Chapter Text
I have no memories of how I got here. I must be in a dream. The world is bright around me. Too bright. I can barely see, blinded by the light that surrounds me. Where am I? I don’t feel any pain. At least in the beginning. Just endless lightness. It makes me uncomfortable. But that lightness is soon enveloped by darkness. Endless darkness. But instead of fear, I feel only comfort, warmth, security. I know instantly it’s Xaden, and my heart soars.
Gradually, the all-encompassing darkness is replaced by dreams. A slow burn makes its way through my body. I hear words swirl around me that don’t make sense, snippets of conversations. Voices. Xaden. Always Xaden. And Garrick. Bodhi. Brennan. That doesn’t make sense. Am I dead? If I’m dead, I can’t figure out why it’s so painful. I feel this burning inside me, the pain nearly consuming me. But slowly, very slowly, the pain retreats, and the fire crackles until its only dying embers, barely a whisper.
I don’t know how long I’m in this state. But suddenly, I feel other sensations. The cool, silky feeling of sheets against my body. The crisp air on my arms, which aren’t tucked under the sheets. The smell of mint and leather and home. It smells like Xaden. I smile and wriggle into it. He must be nearby.
I open my eyes, and he’s the first thing I see. A feeling of warmth and happiness floods through me, remembering our night together. It was perfect.
He’s dressed in riding leathers, which is odd, because the last thing I remember, he was fully naked in his bed with me. He sits down on the mattress by my hip. “Can I check your side?”
I nod and stretch, arms above my head, my body stiff like it hasn’t moved for a while. Why am I so tired? Maybe because of what we were up all night doing?
He pulls back the covers, unties my robe, and lifts up the edge of my nightdress. I wish he’d take it off completely and come back to bed with me. He checks my abdomen near my hipbone, murmuring, “Miraculous.”
“What’s miraculous?” I look down at a scar just above my hipbone. That’s odd, I don’t remember that one. Maybe I’m still dreaming? My throat feels raw.
“Water, you must be parched,” he says, pouring a glass of water from a pitcher on the nightstand.
I sit up and take the water gratefully, realizing with his words how parched I am. I drain the entire glass instantly. “Thanks.”
“You are…” He takes the glass from me and sets it down on the nightstand, then turns back to me, his onyx eyes blazing with gold. The intensity of his gaze takes me aback. I’ll never get used to him staring at me like that. “You are miraculous. I was fucking terrified, Violet. There aren’t adequate words.”
What’s he going on about? “I’m fine, Xaden.” As if to prove it, I take my hand and place it on his heart, which is beating wildly.
“I thought I was going to lose you.” His voice comes out all strangled, and he leans forward to kiss me on my forehead and then my temple.
His words make no sense. “You aren’t going to lose me.” I give him a puzzled look, smiling at him. We just found each other again. I lean in to kiss him, to show him how ridiculous that thought is. After months of denying this between us, we both finally admitted this is what we wanted. The contact instantly sets me on fire. Every inch of my body tingles with want and need, just as it always does when I’m near him.
He kisses me tenderly for a few moments, but then pulls back way too soon. I want him back. “I’ll make it up to you,” he promises, taking my hands between his. “I’m not saying we won’t fight or you won’t want to throw those daggers at me when I’m inevitably an ass, but I swear I will always strive to do better.”
“Make what up to me?” I ask, smiling curiously at him.
Xaden blinks at me, his eyebrows furrowed. He looks so endearing when he makes that face. “How much do you remember? By the time we got you here, the poison spread to your brain and—”
Poison. The words trigger a memory, and suddenly, the last few days flash before me in rapid succession.
I pull my hands from Xaden’s, and I see the hurt flare in his eyes. Welcome to the club.
“Tairn? Andarana?” I call out, panicked as I look around, realizing I’m not where I thought I was.
“We’re here, Silver One,” Tairn’s rough voice calls out.
“Tell me it was all a dream. The venin. Athebyne. Xaden. The gryphons.” I don’t say the other ones I’m thinking of. “Tell me this isn’t real.”
“I can’t do that, Silver One. I promised I wouldn’t lie to you again.”
“Don’t panic. Everything is fine. Andarna isn’t quite the same, but she’s…her.” Xaden pauses, and then continues. “The healer told me he isn’t sure what lasting effects the poison might have, because it was something he’s never seen, and no one really knows how long it will take to get your memories back if there’s any lasting damage, but I’ll tell you—”
I cut him off, throwing up a hand. I look around the room, marveling at what I see. We clearly aren’t at Basgiath, or Athebyne. I scramble out of bed and head to the windows, the light pouring in from outside. The windows are large, taking up nearly an entire wall in the room.
I feel my heart drop to my stomach as I stare out of them. The view overlooks a beautiful mountain range and bottoms out in a valley below us. There’s a line of charred trees that border a small, quiet town, each home finished with an identical green roof.
“Violet?” He has his shields up, I can feel him walled off to me, which is fine. I don’t want him in my mind right now. This can’t be what I’m thinking. That’s impossible.
But my eyes find the building that is the most prominent feature of the city. It’s architecture is unmistakable. But how?
“Where are we?” I ask him in rapt fascination. “And don’t you dare lie to me, not again.”
“You remember?”
“I remember.”
“Thank gods,” he murmurs, which surprises me. Why would he want me to remember all of that? It makes me doubt everything for just a moment, but then I build those walls back up, remembering how he deceived me, how they all made fools out of me. How I made a fool out of myself.
“Where. Are. We?” I ask again, my gaze narrowing at him. “Say it.” I’ll only believe it if he says it.
“The way you’re looking at me says you already know,” he tells me. He doesn’t even look abashed, the asshole.
“This looks like Aretia.” I point out the window to what I know is the Temple of Amari. “There’s only one temple with those particular columns. I’ve seen the drawings.”
“Yes.”
I shake my head in disbelief. Is everything I know a lie? “Aretia was burned to the ground. I’ve seen those drawings too, the ones the scribes brought back for the public notices. My mother told me she saw the embers with her own eyes, so where are we?” My voice is near hysterics. In the back of my mind, I know the scribes hid the venin, so what else are they hiding? But everything can’t be a lie, can it? My entire existence?
“Aretia,” Xaden confirms. I see the truth in his eyes, as if telling me relaxes him.
How? “Rebuilt or never burned?” I turn away from him to stare out the windows again. I am not sure I can handle any more truths, but I need to know if none of this actually happened.
“In the process of rebuilding,” he says.
I feel some relief. At least it wasn’t all a lie then. “Why haven’t I read about this?” Even as I ask that, I realize how naïve I sound. Of course I wouldn’t have read about this. If they knew, they sure as hell wouldn’t want everyone to know. So why is it still here?
He starts to speak, but I hold up a hand. I think, and turn back toward him. I point to the rebellion mark, something Xaden told me clicking into place. “Melgren can’t see the outcome when more than three of you are together. That’s why you’re not allowed to assemble.”
He has the fucking nerve to smile, but it quickly disappears.
“That and we’re not big enough to warrant the attention of the scribes anymore. We’re not hidden. We’re just not…advertising our existence.”
His take seems a little optimistic. I doubt it will be that simple if they find out what he’s done here. I have no doubt that would end in his death. As angry as I am at him, that thought nearly breaks me.
“You can know whatever you want. Just ask,” he tells me.
Part of me realizes he’s trying, but the other part of me rationalizes it. He’s doing it because he has to, not because he wants to.
Then I remember the one thing that’s haunted me since my memories came back. I stiffen, not wanting to know the truth, but needing desperately to hear it. “Tell me one thing right now.”
“Anything.”
“Is…” my shoulders shake as I try to maintain control. “Is Liam really dead?”
He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out, and he shuts them again. He looks like he’s just had the life sucked out of him. With a shaky breath, he pulls out a freshly carved palm-sized figurine of Andarna. My eyes seize on it immediately.
I think about the last words I said to him, yelling at him, beating him across the chest and accusing him of not being my friend. Hot shame flows through me, and my eyes water with grief. “It’s my fault.”
“No, it’s mine. If I had just told you everything sooner, you would have been prepared. You probably would have schooled us all on how to kill them.”
Despite my best efforts, twin tears fall from my eyes, and I hastily wipe them with the back of my hands. I won’t lose control in front of this man. Not right now. He turns one of my hands over and places the wooden carving in it. His voice nearly breaks when he continues. “I know I should have, but I couldn’t bear to burn it. We laid him to rest yesterday. Well, the others did. I haven’t left this room since we got here.”
I meet his gaze, and I’m startled by what I see. But it can’t be what I see, I tell myself. He lied to me. You don’t lie to those you love.
“I haven’t left you.”
“Well you do have a vested interest in my survival,” I say sarcastically. That’s all I ever was to him, I convince myself. “Give me a second to get dressed, and then we’ll talk.” I need a moment of space. Just a moment to collect myself.
“Kicking me out of my own room,” he quietly jests. “New one.”
I shut down. I can’t let myself feel anything for him, because if I let him in just a little, I know I’ll let him in all the way. And I can’t do that, not yet. Maybe not ever.
“Now, Riorson.”
He flinches when I use his last name. I never have with him, ever. But he doesn’t comment. “Bathing chamber is through there,” he points to the far wall. He turns to walk toward the exit, slinging his sword across his back.
The minute he crosses the threshold from the room, I break. I collapse, sinking to the floor. “Tairn?”
“I’m here, Silver One.”
“How much of this did you know?”
“All of it.” I can feel the guilt roll off of him. I expected it, but his answer still crushes me.
“He was going to tell you. I know you won’t believe me, or him, but he was waiting for the right moment.”
“And in the meantime, he slept with me and lied to me, using me to get what he wanted.”
“You know that’s not true, Violet.” I notice he used Violet, something he’s never deigned to use before.
I throw up a shield. I don’t know anything anymore. I just know that I feel lost and totally, utterly alone.
After a few minutes, I finally gain my composure enough to stand up and walk to the bathing chamber. I step into the shower and turn it on, letting the warm water roll off of me. It feels luxurious, loosening my aching joints and muscles. Three days. Tairn told me I’ve been out for three days.
In the water, with no one around, I finally allow myself to grieve for Liam. The tears run freely down my face, intermingled with the water as I gasp and every feeling I’ve felt over the past few days unleashes. I’m angry at everyone. At Xaden. At his friends. At Tairn, Andarna, Sgaeyl. And most of all, I’m angry because he made me doubt myself.
A tiny part of myself acknowledges that he built these walls up between us, kept me at a distance, and that should have been my warning. He told me time and again he couldn’t be trusted. But I didn’t heed that warning, and I fell anyways. I fell because, despite pushing me away, he never denied he wanted me.
But I gave myself to him. All of myself. And he only trusted me with the smallest part of himself. And for that, I’m not sure how I can trust him again. And if I’m being honest, knowing how easily I let him in, I know if I don’t build these walls up, I’ll go tumbling down again. Because if I have learned anything about myself over the past few days, I can’t be trusted when it comes to him. I make all the wrong decisions. And I won’t make that same mistake twice.
* * *
When I’ve finally centered my resolve, I get changed into a pair of black pants and a tight black shirt. He must have brought my rucksack in, because the contents are all mine. Although I don’t see my riding vest, or the leathers I was in. I don’t even want to think about what became of those.
My hair is still damp, and I start to braid it, but then I remember something he said to me…was that really just a few days ago. If I want to bring him to his knees or win an argument, just keep it down. Maybe I’m using it as a barrier, where I feel naked without my armor. But I keep it down.
He’s waiting for me outside in the hallway when I open the door, freshly showered and looking way too damn attractive. He’s leaning against the wall next to Bodhi, who is sporting a sling on one of his arms. It’s been over an hour, so I’m not surprised he’s there waiting. But I needed that long to make sure I was fully in control, that I wouldn’t run to him the minute I opened the door.
I almost lose my resolve when I see the way he looks at me. But I don’t. Bodhi looks back and forth between us, and smiles. “Good to see you up and about, Sorrengail.” He smacks Xaden on the shoulder, looking over his shoulder as he walks off. “I’ll fetch the backup plan. Good luck.”
I briefly wonder what that’s about, but then realize I don’t care. “Come back in,” I tell Xaden, watching him warily.
“As long as you’ve invited me.” He walks in, a look of apprehension on his face.
I’ve been studying the bedroom for the past hour, fascinated by it. It’s beautiful. And so I start with something that’s easy. “Is this all original?”
“The majority of the fortress is stone. Stone doesn’t burn.”
“Right.” Makes sense.
He swallows. “I think after all you’ve seen, the question I have to ask you before I tell you everything is pretty simple. Are you in? Are you willing to fight with us?”
I’ve already talked to Tairn about this, after I got over being angry with him. He’s convinced it’s the right thing to do. And I didn’t really need much convincing. If what he says is true, then everything I know is a lie. My mom knows about the venin. And my dad—that letter he left me, he clearly knew that scribes were rewriting history. Does Mira know? It seems everyone in my life has been deceiving me. But knowing the evil I just saw in Resson, I don’t even know that there is a choice. The only answer is obvious.
“I’m in,” I nod.
Xaden starts forward. “I’m so sorry I had to keep…”
I step back away from him. “Not happening,” I tell him. Just because he’s right doesn’t mean he didn’t break my soul into a million tiny pieces. “Just because I believe you and am willing to fight with you doesn’t mean I’ll trust you with my heart again. And I can’t be with someone I don’t trust.”
The pain I see in his eyes almost looks sincere. But I’ve learned Xaden is a master of disguise, misdirection, deceit. I don’t trust that look, not anymore.
“I’ve never lied to you, Violet. Not once. I never will,” he tells me. He’s so earnest, I almost believe him.
Just more lies by omission. That seems to be everyone’s excuse. I walk over to the window and look outside. It really is beautiful. I take courage from that. I turn around to face him. “It’s not even that you kept this from me. I get it. It’s the ease with which you did it. The ease with which I let you into my heart and didn’t get the same in return.” I shake my head, refusing to let him back in. I will protect my heart, if nothing else.
“You’re right. I kept secrets.” He walks slowly forward until he’s a foot from me. He places his palms on both side of the glass near my head. I could walk away from him, but being this close to him, my stupid heart sputters and those flames try to rekindle. Just being near him reminds me how much I love him.
“It took me a long time to trust you, a long time to realize I fell for you.”
There’s a knock at the door, but he ignores it. Who could that be?
“Don’t say that,” I say, but there’s no bite to my words. Not when he’s this close, when I’m staring at his lips, when I remember what they felt like on every inch of my body.
“I fell for you,” he presses, lowering his head so I’m forced to meet his gaze. The golden flecks in his eyes glow, and I’m nearly lost. “And you know what? You might not trust me anymore, but you still love me.”
I open my mouth to deny it, but I can’t. It doesn’t change anything though. “I gave you my heart for free once, and once is all you get.”
“I fucked up by not telling you sooner, and I won’t even try to justify my reasons. But now I’m trusting you with my life—with everyone’s lives. I’ll tell you anything you want to now and everything you don’t. I’ll spend every single day of my life earning back your trust.”
I don’t want to believe him. If I believe him, I might just forgive him. And I’m not ready to do that. “And if it’s not possible?” I ask, curious to see what he’ll say.
“You still love me. It’s possible. I’m not afraid of hard work, especially not when I know just how sweet the rewards are. I would rather lose this entire war than live without you, and if that means I have to prove myself over and over, then I’ll do it. You gave me your heart, and I’m keeping it.”
The ferocity in his words, in his gaze, takes me aback. But I stubbornly refuse to believe he means this. If this was all just a game to him, why wouldn’t he say these things now? But I see my same stubbornness reflected back in his eyes, and I wonder if perhaps he is telling me the truth. Finally.
There’s another knock on the door.
“Fuck is he impatient,” Xaden mutters. “You have about twenty seconds to ask a question, if I know him.”
Know whom? Garrick? Bodhi bringing some backup plan? I say the thing that’s been on my mind for the past hour. “I’m still hoping that missive at Athebyne was really about the War Games. Do you think there’s any chance we just happened to end up in the middle of a wyvern attack at that outpost?”
“That definitely wasn’t an accident, little sister.” My heart freezes. That voice. I heard it when Xaden carried me in off of Tairn. It couldn’t be.
Xaden sighs heavily and moves to the side, and there he is, standing there, alive and well six years after I was told he died.
“Told you I knew better poison masters,” Xaden says softly. “You weren’t healed. You were mended.”
“Brennan?” My mouth opens in shock, and my heart stops as my entire world collapses around me.
He just grins and holds out his arms, the fucker. “Welcome to the revolution, Violet.”