Work Text:
You were one of the few people who trusted me and now look at you.
Just the two of us.
Your white dress gently floats around you, its brightness dimmed by the depth of the lake. You look almost alive, as if you’re a siren lurking against the lake floor, biding your time, watching.
It’s hard to see you from the water’s edge, and I can only barely make out your features, but I’ve been coming to see you almost every day since I left you here to rot. You’ve changed steadily, little by little. Your pose remains mostly the same-your arms resting in your lap, your legs folded beneath you, your head tilting upwards, neck exposed. Your hair hasn’t completely rotted off yet, and what still remains gently caresses your neck, the bruises there now a darker shade of cerulean. Your skin is various shades of blue and purple, preserved a little by the icy water, made more dramatic by the lack of light. Enough time has passed that whatever’s been able to survive in this lake has taken your eyes, and I don’t know if the empty sockets of your skull boring into me are better or worse than the faux tranquility on your face before.
If someone wasn’t paying attention-and why would they?-they’d miss you. The winter’s lasted far too long for my liking, almost like you were personally prolonging it to taunt me, but it has made it easier to be near you. No one comes this far to visit the lake in winter, and no one would expect you to be here. They’d stopped searching for you not long after you “left”. I think they were almost relieved. It made me angry to think that I was almost relieved, too, for my own selfish reasons.
I remember coming out to this lake in the middle of the night. I half hoped I’d get frostbite and lose a limb, or get mauled by a bear that was pissed that I’d come too close to its hibernating spot and woken it up, or get buried under an small avalanche of snow from a tree- some sort of ridiculous divine punishment under the stars for what I’d done to you, for what I didn’t do for you. I held you against me for what felt like days. Something in my brain forgot-wanted to forget-what time was, and just hold you. Every so often I’d mistake my own cloudy breaths for yours and my heart would hammer in my throat. I kept making the mistake of thinking that you were still alive, and whether I was afraid or hopeful of that I’m still not sure. The way your body kept sapping the heat from my own constantly reminded me that you weren’t.
Lowering you into the lake was the last kind thing I could do for you-letting you rest somewhere I hoped no one would find you, where you could finally be at peace away from everything. I thought I knew you so well, to the very end. And I was wrong of course, this is why we were here. But at the very least I could be kind to you. All I ever did was watch you, and I’ll continue to do just that.
There was a thin sheet of ice over the lake, and instead of breaking apart the ice to lower you down gently, I simply dropped you. If I’m being really honest with myself, I tightened my grip on your body before I sent you tumbling against the ice. I’m not sure why, maybe I was angry at you. Maybe I still am. Maybe I wanted to hear your body crack against the ice, wanted to see you struggle again. But the ice didn’t resist much against the weight of your body.
I watched you sink to the bottom, your lips and under your eyes already a sickly shade of blue. It was quite beautiful, actually. Your skin was so pale already, and without the hindrance of blush in your cheeks the cool blue color in your veins really shined through. I knew this beauty would become bloated and distorted as time went on, and I didn’t want that for you. I hoped the cold temperature of the icy lake would slow the decomposition process, preserve your beauty for as long as it could, even if you became a more ghoulish version of what you used to be.
But mostly, I just didn’t want to remember you as a distorted version of who you once were.
Your body slumped against the ice, the cracking of it almost deafening as your body was pulled into the water. My shoes were soaked, frozen in place in the snow as I watched. I couldn't feel my face anymore and I imagine you couldn’t, either. The cracking of ice sounded like a threat as you went under, like you were cursing my name in a language I couldn’t understand, the water slipping in between your fingers and enveloping your hair. I almost wished you’d wake up just then-reach for me and beg me to pull you out, to not let you go. To hold you again and please, please warm you up, forget this ever happened, and never come out to this lake again. Your lips parted slightly and I flinched, wondering what you’d say to me, what you’d scream at me-but your lips closed as if you decided I wasn’t worth speaking to.
The lack of oxygen in your lungs made it easier for you to sink, the freezing water rushed into your body like it was accepting you as a part of the lake. The cinderblock I tied to your ankles helped your descent along, but it felt like I was watching you in slow motion. The silence of the forest was too loud, the cracking of ice was too threatening, my fingers so cold they almost felt like they were burning. I thought I could feel something watching me. Maybe it was just an animal, maybe it was God. I didn’t care. And obviously neither did He.
I fell to my knees as I watched you go. For a split second I thought I saw your eyes open-it looked like you were glaring at me, cursing me silently. I knew it was just the water brushing them open, maybe the bubbles of your last breaths slid into your eyelids and caused this, I didn't know. But I hated that last look you gave me, wished I hadn’t stared so intently at your face as you fell.
Your arms were pulled upwards as your feet were pulled down and I almost sobbed as I reached for you. You looked like you were apologizing, your hands up in surrender, your chin tilted upwards. I didn’t want to forgive you, not in a million years-I don’t think I had it in me to, then or now. But at that moment I desperately wanted to. I hissed as the water burned my already numb fingers. You belonged down there, I didn’t-and the lake made that clear. All I could do now was watch you and not interfere. I’d given you up, and I couldn’t take you back.
Now I stare at your lifeless body in this lake almost every day, and I no longer remember what you look like.