Archive of Our Own ^beta

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5/10

I guess I have a diary now.

Mom gave it to me because I refuse to go to a therapist. "At least write in it once a day, even if it's just the weather," or something absurd like that.

I don't know why I'm even doing this and not just pretending. Mom probably would look through, and I don't know when so I can't plan a specific day to write up to.

I'm here now, though. Today is Thursday, 5 October and it's windy.

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6/10

Friday. School was boring. It's windy again.

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7/10

Still windy. I found my 3DS and it had Pokémon Y inside. I haven't seen that since I was 8. The last save was 27 December 2015. My team was underlevelled as hell, I don't remember how I got past the first 5 gyms.

Maybe I'll play it later.

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8/10

Less windy. I laid in bed all day and did my homework on my laptop. Mom was out with her girlfriend so it was a free-for-all dinner. I made Cup Noodles.

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9/10

Was almost late to school. Barely made it on the train. Thankfully we were just watching a movie in History. The teacher was sick or something so we watched the first quarter of Gone With the Wind. What a snoozefest.

Funny how it wasn't that windy.

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10/10

Class was super boring, nothing notable happened. It was less windy.

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11/10

Nothing of note. Again. It's cloudy with some wind.

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12/10

Zoned out during every class. Couldn't focus. Oh well.

It was much windier, lots of leaves everywhere and I don't doubt the possibility of a tree falling.

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13/10

Woke up early so I could pick up some tea. It helped and I managed to catch up this week during lunch. My sandwich tasted bad. It was windier so I worked and ate inside.

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14/10

Heizou texted me and asked to hang out. I said no. I didn't pay attention to the weather since I was inside again.

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15/10

Mom was busy so I did the laundry and dishes. Miko's bra was in the laundry. Ew. The wind was a lot louder and harsher. I wanted to open my window but it was too much. Also ew.

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16/10

Had a Chemistry test today. Plain old Periodic Table. I memorized it all beforehand out of boredom one time. It's been so windy lately.

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17/10

The wind is making all the leaves fall. It's pretty, but also a pain because you can slip so easily.

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18/10

Wow, I survived two weeks. That's surprising. Class was boring but I watched that astrology freak slip on the leaves and fall onto the ground. I'm surprised people helped her. She's so weird.

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19/10

Gods, I hate Phys Ed. I can't aim for shit and I'm too short to even have a chance. The only sport I can do well is track, but we just finished that unit so I'm truly fucked. Also the locker room smells really bad, but probably not as bad as the boy's. It was less windy on my way home.

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20/10

Today was a B Day, which meant I had Phys Ed again. I hate Study Hall but at least I can rest. I finished my work early so I made a new save file on Pokémon Y. I chose Froakie again. When I was younger I just liked frogs but Greninja is arguably the best starter. I would choose Fennekin but it's more dog than cat and Delphox is weird. The teacher didn't mind since besides Phys Ed (can't help much there) my lowest grade was a B in Liyuen. It was more cloudy than usual.

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21/10

I had to look up some answers for my Liyuen homework. We weren't following a textbook since the teacher was already fluent. He preferred to be addressed as Xiansheng, but most people call him John Lee. At least I try to pronounce it right. And the weather was super cloudy too. I like that.

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22/10

I hid this so no one ever finds it. It's under my dresser as far back as possible, and thankfully my rug is tall enough to hide it completely. I use a clothing hanger to push it out to the side. I'll never take it out of my room; too much of a risk. Doesn't seem like anyone's found it. Good.

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23/10

The school announced a Halloween dance on Friday the 27th. I'm not going, too many people in too small of a space. It makes me want to vomit.

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24/10

Heizou, Fish and Rosalyne are the closest things to being my "friends". They're more like acquaintances I can tolerate. They're not friends with each other, though. All of them were talking about Halloween. Heizou's going to dress as a detective, Fish's being some anime character, Rosalyne's being either a royal queen or a fire witch– she hadn't decided. They each asked me and I said I'll be going as a homicidal maniac– they hide in plain sight. I wanted them to back off, but they all laughed at me and said it was funny.

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25/10

Art was incredibly boring. We had to draw something from nature. I drew a spider. The teacher said I was clever since it wasn't specified that it had to be a plant. I just find spiders more interesting than trees and flowers.

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26/10

It was cloudy. That's it.

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27/10

Today is the day of the dance. It started at 6 and I'm glad I'm at home. Currently just past 8. I kind of want to know what's happening. Only a little, though.

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28/10

Mom, Miko and I went out to the new Inazuman restaurant for dinner: Uyuu. I didn't say much. Their unagi chazuke was really good, actually. Miko liked their fried tofu. Mom was weirdly ecstatic when she saw they have tri-colored dango. Also she asked if I've been writing daily. I'm glad she didn't say "journal" or "diary" out loud. I said yes, and then she nodded and kept eating.

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29/10

Rosalyne told me she's hanging out with her friends. She asked if I wanted to come. I said no. Who even wants to roller skate these days? Apparently them.

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30/10

Word got out that two people were caught *more than* making out in the bathroom at the dance. It was the weird goth girl and the Student Council vice president. Honestly, I'm not surprised. Glad I wasn't there.

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31/10

People dressed up at school. I was a homicidal maniac. They thought it was funny. Then everything went downhill. Fish forced me to wear a cat maid outfit and it was HELL!!! People said I looked great in it and laughed, but not really in a taunting manner??? But to someone who hates people this was awful regardless.

Despite my pleas, Fish made me trick or treat with her. I'm 16, I'm too old for that. Fish essentially said I was wrong and I'm only too old once I graduate high school in her weird fancy dialect. I also don't like candy so I just gave it all to Fish. She's just glad I came with her.

I saw Rosalyne and her friends doing a big group cosplay. Some people go to our school, some don't. So much for queen or witch.

All I want to do is sleep now. At least Mom and Miko didn't see me in that stupid cat maid getup.

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1/11

I was so tired. So were a lot of other people. Thankfully classes were pretty easy-going and didn't have homework.

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2/11

It's been getting less windy. Some rain, but not much. I like November.

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3/11

Class was boring, which isn't anything new.

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4/11

Thank gods it's the weekend because that means I can sleep in as long as I want. I slept until noon and I'm going to take a nap at some point. I'm so tired.

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5/11

I realized it's been about a month since I started writing in this. I somehow got into the habit, but I don't really enjoy it. Weird.

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6/11

Rosalyne told me her friend's transferring next week. Apparently he's moving here on the 11th. Let's just hope I can tolerate him.

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7/11

I'm thinking about stopping at Uyuu more instead of bringing lunch. Heizou was worried when I didn't have my lunch. He asked if I was purposely not eating anything again. I'm done with that, but I still look the part and it sucks. If anything, I want to gain some weight. Not a lot, but enough that I can carry more than 15lbs and *not* tip over. I told him about Uyuu. He was skeptical, but stopped.

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8/11

Liyuen grammar is ridiculously hard. You can't just count, you have to add another word to it. Pronunciation, too. Like how the tone of one word changes if it's before another word with the same tone. Why Liyuen of all languages? I would've aced Inazuman, easily.

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9/11

In Literature, we were assigned a new book: Moonlit Bamboo Forest. We had to read up to page 25 by Tuesday. I finished the book by this evening. It was okay.

I forgot my lunch so I told Mom I'm stopping by that restaurant on my way home. I got unagi chazuke again– they're the only ones who have it. The folks there are nice, too; both workers and customers. They're so much easier to talk to since they're more mature and polite. I ended up having a super long conversation with this old guy eating sashimi. It went from food to cats to philosophy. His wife died early into their marriage, and it took him a while to accept it. He showed me this really old photo – black and white with a little yellow – of her. She was very pretty.

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10/11

Friday. Yay. Rosalyne's excited that her friend's transferring. I didn't pay attention to his name, but apparently he's the "ginger from Halloween". I don't remember who that is, I just caught a glimpse at the group when Rosalyne waved and said hi. 

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11/11

Mom said we have new neighbors and we should say hi. Of course it was the "ginger from Halloween". Ajax is his name. Unfortunately, they're the house directly next to us. Even more unfortunate is that his bedroom is directly across from mine so he could see into my room at any moment. I'm glad I have curtains. I am never opening that window ever again.

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12/11

Mom said the new family needed some help moving boxes and setting up since they arrived a little late yesterday. Of course I had to come along. Miko did, too. I had to move some silverware. It technically wasn't that heavy, but it was much more difficult than I'd like to admit. Ajax moved cups. Gods, he's so tall it's unnerving. He's like a giant. So is his dad and one of his younger brothers. Yeah, he has three siblings here and apparently three more that moved out already. I don't know how they manage.

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13/11

Rosalyne was way too excited. She immediately wanted me and Ajax to meet. She considers both of us her best friends (plus a bunch of others). I don't get it. She found it funny how we're neighbors.

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14/11

Of course Ajax is in my Phys Ed class. Of course he excels in every sport known to man. Of course he becomes the moviestar of sports immediately. And of course people are already fawning over him. At the very least he doesn't seem like an asshole about it. He also has Literature and Study Hall so I have 3 periods in a row with this guy. At least he's not in Algebra with me.

Also in Literature we answered questions and need to read up to page 40 by Thursday.

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15/11

I read online this morning that it was going to rain. I brought my umbrella. It wasn't raining in the morning so I kept it in my backpack. Ajax insisted we go to school together. He wasn't wearing a jacket so he likely didn't know it was going to rain. Sure enough, it started raining midway through school. Ajax had to dash his way to the train. By the time I got there he was covered in water. I don't know how he could simply laugh.

And no, I did not let the idiot use mine.

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16/11

Ajax talks so goddamn much on our way to and from school. He just doesn't ever shut up. I'm going to start going to Uyuu on Tuesdays, Thursdays and maybe some Fridays. Partially because the food is good, partially because Ajax is annoying as hell. He didn't seem bothered when I changed directions. Good.

I had a really nice chat with a woman there. She was visiting and wanted to try this place. She got what I got and loved it too. Unagi chazuke truly is the best dish known to mankind.

We need to read up to page 66 by Tuesday. Answered questions and discussed.

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17/11

Ajax told me that if the weather is fine tomorrow (it's raining again) his family's going to host a potluck for all the neighbors. Mom obviously heard about it, too, and wanted to bring something. Miko and I don't trust her to cook, so Miko's going to make a lot of fried tofu. I'll admit, it does taste good. I wouldn't dare say it directly to her face, though.

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18/11

Out of all days, the sun picked today to be out. Ajax's family invited everyone possible– which was a lot. The other kids there were Ajax, his 3 younger siblings, Albedo, his cousin Klee, Qiqi, Collei, and Yoimiya. Albedo's homeschooled so we don't see each other very often, but he's cool. He's calm and also likes art. But he cares a lot about Klee, so he spent most of his time with her.

I stayed in a chair in the corner of the yard. Qiqi came by and she sat on my lap. She's a sweet and quiet girl. She likes it when I hum and sway forward and back. She's like a little sister to me and I think she holds the same sentiment.

Ajax saw and sat with us. Qiqi doesn't really like him because he's basically a dog in a human body. He was surprised I was so good with kids because I look so hostile all the time. I didn't respond to that.

Ajax's family instantly became friends with everyone. And I'm so socially exhausted I want to hide in my room and see no one for 3 months.

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19/11

I'm spending as much time as possible in my room in the dark playing Y. Mom seemed to kind of get it. Miko made dinner so I just took the plate to my room and ate there. Heizou wanted to hang out but I told him I never want to see another human ever again. He didn't get it and I don't have the energy to elaborate.

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20/11

Ajax walked with me. He wore a coat and had an umbrella this time. He seemed to understand how weather works now. He told me the potluck was fun and all the neighbors were nice. They're okay for the most part. During the summer when it's not raining Yoimiya hosts a lot of firework shows, which are always so fucking loud. I just watch from my kitchen window. Ajax would probably love to see them. 

Collei and Yoimiya go to our school, so Ajax went to hang out with Yoimiya, which gave me more time to myself. Fish ate lunch with me. The astrology freak fell again. Fish helped her up while I watched.

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21/11

Heizou offered his tangerine to me during lunch. It was good, and didn't affect my appetite too much. The old man from a while ago was at Uyuu again. We talked a lot.

He's also of Inazuman descent and lived in Old Inazuma for most of his life. He was a rice farmer who started a few years after the Merging of the Nations and kept farming until about 10 years ago. We laughed when I thanked him for his service. He's a huge fan of tonkatsu. I like tonkatsu. Not as much as unagi chazuke, obviously, but it's good.

Same thing in Literature. Page 80.

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22/11

I zoned out a few times. Not enough to miss anything important.

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23/11

Ajax apparently slept in and ended up missing the train. He's such an idiot. I finally had a peaceful morning after so long. He ended up not getting to school until lunchtime. At least he kept to himself during Study Hall. He complained about Literature (page 105), but I didn't pay attention. I went to Uyuu. No one I recognized was there.

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24/11

Rosalyne forced me to join her, Ajax, Zandik, and a couple other people for dinner. I hate a lot of them, actually, they've done things I can never forgive. But, again, I was forced. And Rosalyne changed.

I texted Mom about it, she said it was fine as long as I didn't do anything illegal. Alcohol sounds gross, so I'm not interested at all. Rosalyne smokes. Zandik vapes. Ajax pretended he smoked but everyone immediately called bullshit. They just laughed about it. I'd be embarrassed out of my mind.

We ended up getting curry. The only good thing about this. Ajax must be rich as fuck because he covered the entire bill like it was nothing (but to be fair, big houses in the mountains get really expensive). I kept to myself while the others all socialized. I felt like an alien. I kind of always do, but seeing them all have fun while I sat there only eating was… more than lame.

Turns out Ajax was having everyone sleep over. Obviously, I said no, and obviously, they're loud.

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25/11

There was a lot of yelling last night, I don't care to learn why and I don't know if Mom and Miko heard them. His parents did so it was a pretty abrupt end. The window was open the whole time and I heard his mom scolding them. I couldn't sleep last night at all. Ended up sleeping all day and I'm still tired. Mom and Miko went on a date so I ate Cup Noodles. I'm gonna take a shower and then go to bed.

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26/11

Miko finally moved in. She spends more time here than she does at her own place. The days we don't order takeout she makes the food. Plus, it's a big house. She turned our storage room into an office. We have one other room besides that for guests, even though we never have any.

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27/11

Ajax was quieter than expected. I knew that if I pressed he'd talk on and on and on, so I didn't. Something or other happened at that sleepover. On my way to school I got a text from Mom saying Baizhu needed someone to babysit Qiqi on Thursday afternoon/evening, after school to 9 or 10, at most 11. The end was unclear. I agreed. I'll need to pack lunch that day.

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28/11

Fish decided to hang out with the astrology girl during lunch. She told me to stop calling her a freak. I played Pokémon Y in the Study Hall room. Ajax ended up tagging along with me (without my consent). He's been more quiet. I didn't ask. He did see me gaming and asked if we could trade sometime since he has Alpha Sapphire. I said "maybe" which really just meant "no".

Uyuu was great as ever. I ran into Albedo, weirdly. He ordered some desserts and we talked about what's been happening. He said he's going to graduate (can you do that in homeschool?) early, which isn't surprising since he already skipped a grade. He's 15 and we're both juniors.

We walked home. It was much more pleasant than walking with Ajax, that's for sure. Also page 122.

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29/11

Ajax asked if he could call me Kuni because, "Kunikuzushi's too long." I said no and if he didn't want to say my whole name he could just not talk to me. He kind of pouted and said that he'd just need to call me Kunikuzushi, then. Ugh.

A Days are always so boring. History, Chemistry, Art, Liyuen. I can finish all my work almost immediately, and I know most of History and Chemistry already– at least the curriculum. Art doesn't give a lot of freedom, but it's easy. And Liyuen is just frustrating.

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30/11

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1/12

Was too tired when I got home yesterday. I didn't go to Uyuu so I ended up walking with Ajax. He was confused as to why I was going to Baizhu's house (he’s much lower down the road). I said that I was babysitting Qiqi. He asked if he could come. I said no.

I babysat Qiqi from 3 to 11. She’s very quiet and didn't mind that I took longer to make dinner. I'd never made “No Tomorrow” (as she called it) before. Other than that we watched a couple movies. One was Song of the Sea, which I had never heard of. It was pretty. The other was Coraline. I wasn't expecting her to like it, especially since she's 6, but I was the same. I like that movie.

After I put her to bed, I just hung out on my phone. When Baizhu got back he was very thankful. He paid me extra; instead of 2000 Mora per hour, it was 2500. So I made good money. And then I went home and instantly fell asleep.

The only thing of note today was that people are already putting up Christmas decorations. Ugh.

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2/12

It seems Ajax's family loves decorating. I can't stand it. They have so many lights up and things in their front yard already. I bet they're going to find a tree or something. Mom, Miko and I don't decorate or get trees. We don't listen to Christmas music on repeat over and over again. We just open a present or two at our couch. It's better and easier that way.

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3/12

I’m really bored. I don’t feel like playing Y. It’s really cold so we turned on the heater. It doesn’t snow here, I don’t know if I like or hate that.

Neighbors got a tree. It was loud and looked like a huge hassle.

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4/12

I’m getting tempted to ask Ajax about whatever happened, but I know that if I do,

1. Ajax won’t shut up

2. Ajax will start relying on me as his therapist

I don’t want either of those.

He seemed happy when he left/got home and at school, but then was quiet and depressed(?) on our way to and back. Something bad happened at that sleepover and he’s hiding it from people. I can recognize that from a mile away.

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5/12

Ajax acted normal in Literature and Phys Ed, but then he hung out with me during lunch. I started going to the Study Hall room instead of being outside since it’s always so cold and is just getting colder. I asked him why he wasn’t hanging out with other people, and he said something along the lines of, “You’re better to be around right now.”

He was on his phone the whole time but still sat next to me. I reread what we had to read up to in Literature (page 170). After that I did my Liyuen work. Writing is easy, pronunciation is not.

Ajax asked if he could come along to Uyuu. I said yes as long as he paid for his food. He seemed happier when we ate. Maybe not completely happy, but in better spirits. He got sweet shrimp sushi, mixed yakisoba, tonkotsu ramen, taiyaki, and a couple other things I think. I don’t know how he could eat that much. At least he paid.

He seemed better on the way back. His parents didn’t know he was going to Uyuu and were panicking that their son was late. He’s the one that asked me, so it’s not my problem.

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6/12

I forgot my birthday’s in 4 weeks until Fish asked if I wanted something. It’s just a day to me. Fish tends to make gifts by hand and spend a lot of time on them, so she always asks exactly 4 weeks before. I told her to get me a small cactus. Cacti are prickly and simple, but knowing her she’ll go all out decorating the pot and chances are she’ll make an elaborate story to go with it about how it “emerged into existence” or whatever. I knew that if I didn’t tell her a gift she wouldn’t stop bothering me. Fish can be so annoying…

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7/12

We finished that book (it was really short) and we all wrote an essay. It was easy for me. Ajax, apparently, not so much. He worked on it during Study Hall. He also was super distracted in Phys Ed. Some people may not have been able to tell – he's good at hiding these kinds of things – but I could. I'm a mentally unwell person, I noticed this. I do the same.

Ajax came with me to Uyuu. I'm starting to take pity on him. He texted his mom this time. He ate a lot again and paid again. I don't know how he's not overweight. But he *is* super into sports and probably has a good metabolic rate to boot, and I know that if *I* ate that much I'd vomit it all up (not in the B/P way, just a general “too much food” way).

He thanked me multiple times, which was really awkward, especially in public areas. It's easier when we're walking up our road but at Uyuu? In front of people? No thanks.

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8/12

I'm really tired today. Zandik bothered me during lunch. He's weird. And not the cool, unique weird, I mean CREEPY weird. I never liked him, he sees me more as some object to study than an actual person. Ajax was sitting next to me. There was a lot of passive aggression between them. Ajax clearly developed some kind of hatred for him. Same with Rosalyne, I assume. She started avoiding both of us.

For once I was glad Ajax was with me on the way home. I fell asleep on the train and would've missed our stop if Ajax hadn't woken me up. Thanks, I guess.

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9/12

I slept in. We were invited to Ajax's for dinner. The younger kids were rowdy but the food was good. Ajax showed me his room after. It had sports trophies, a few anime posters, and was surprisingly clean and didn't smell like a dirty sock. He has a blue 3DS and showed me his AS team of shinies. He got a foreign Ditto in Wonder Trade and Masuda Method(ed?) everyone. He wants to get a Living Dex of shinies. I could never have that patience, and I don't think he could, either.

He told me it'd be cool if we could throw messages back and forth between our windows. He specified during the day. I said that it was stupid and I'd rather give him my phone number, which was a joke, but he got it anyway.

So far he's said "hi" and sent a narwhal GIF. I'm going to ghost him.

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10/12

I came across Additional Memory again. I listened to that over and over when I was in middle school and early high school. It was my favorite song but it only made my depression worse. Now I can't get it out of my head. It makes me remember and do things I never even wanted to think about ever again.

At least my legs are always covered.

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11/12

I almost gave in to whatever happened with Ajax. I pointed out how different he was in different crowds. He told me he was going through a rough time. I told him to get a therapist (hypocritical, I know), but he said his parents don't believe in them and he didn't want to burden me. I've become more apathetic as I've grown up, it didn't bother me. If he wants to bottle it up, okay. If he wants to talk to me about it, I’d honestly prefer him not to, even with my curiosity.

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12/12

Today was really boring. I couldn't go to Uyuu because I had to do chores. Mom literally texted me as I was walking in. Ugh.

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13/12

We had a History sub today. Our teacher caught a cold from what I assume was the weather. More excuses to bury myself in layers.

That fucking song won't leave my head, I can't focus...

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14/12

I didn't see anyone I recognized at Uyuu today. Besides Ajax, of course. He tagged along, bought a shitton of food and then paid our entire bill. He said he was glad I was his friend. I'm not. But apparently he needs a friend right now so whether I like it or not I'm stuck with him.

Mom said Ajax's family invited us to dinner on Saturday again. I hope this doesn't become a trend.

Ajax just texted me saying he wants to trade when I come over. I'm going to keep ghosting him.

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15/12

The only notable things today were that it's Friday and it rained again.

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16/12

We went over to Ajax's again. His sister really likes talking with Miko. I can't see why.

Ajax cooked dinner tonight, he's really good at making calla lily seafood soup. I brought my 3DS and we traded. He traded me a shiny Umbreon and I traded him my hacked Volcanion (I didn't tell him that, though).

Our moms suggested we have a sleepover, but both of us said no. I'm not surprised Ajax agreed with me.

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17/12

Ajax texted me earlier to thank me for "being a good friend". Firstly, I'm not his friend. Secondly, if I *was* his friend I'd be a terrible one. I don't like hanging out with people. I don't care if it makes me sound edgy, I like being alone in my room either reading or playing games (preferably in the dark). Mom doesn't interfere. She's somewhat similar, but personally it feels more like she still doesn't care, even after everything.

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18/12

Winter break is next week. I'm goinv to try to stay inside my room but knowing Mom, Miko and Ajax I'll be forced out one way or another.

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19/12

Ajax stuck with me during Lunch. I was forced to stay outside since Ajax was asked to join different sports teams. Apparently this happened a lot since people kept asking again, but I don't like sports, so I wouldn't know. Ajax denied all of them except for the swim team. I don't remember the last time I swam.

I went to Uyuu. I asked one of the workers about the old man since they were friends. It turns out the old man passed away. Unfortunate, I liked our chats. He *was* pretty old, though; judging by our conversations, I’m guessing he was around 90-ish.

I may visit his grave. I don't know. I'm more sympathetic with older people, maybe because they already went through life and now tell interesting stories. They had felt loss before and understand that any day could be their last. I also haven't met many cranky/mean old people. Most are friendly.

I hope that man rests in peace and sees his wife again in the afterlife.

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20/12

It rained for 2 minutes and then completely stopped. That's all.

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21/12

Heizou came up to me today. He introduced a friend of his: Kazuha. Kazuha's okay. The best way I can describe him is "lukewarm day-old soda". I mean, he's nice, but nothing stands out. He's reserved, and while I can relate there's no point hanging out with a person who hardly says anything.

Maybe Heizou has a type, but for people he socializes with.

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22/12

Forgot to say I went to Uyuu yesterday and that's pretty definitive on how noteworthy it was.

Mom asked if I was still writing. I said yes. I don't really have a lot of things to do. Well, I do, they just don't interest me much. I get bored really easily. And, unfortunately, I really got into the habit. I don't even need an alarm anymore.

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23/12

Mom told Ajax's mom how we celebrate Christmas, and apparently it was so egregious I have to spend it with them. I can't even begin to imagine how chaotic it would be. Also, Teucer (Ajax's youngest sibling) apparently thinks I'm cool and wants me to sleep over on Christmas Eve. For once I'm glad Miko said something and I get to sleep at home.

After dinner Ajax and I played Pokémon together. He asked if he could tell me what happened since I'm not someone that shares secrets. I said, "Ok."

Someone at that sleepover (he didn't give the name) joked about brutally murdering his family in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep (with graphic descriptions). Ajax added, "And another thing that makes me sick just thinking about," and I can connect the dots from there. He got pissed and a fight broke out – both verbal and physical – and most of the group excused that person by saying, "It's just a joke, it's not gonna actually happen."

Some things just shouldn't be joked about, I know from experience. That group always felt off to me. They've said things that shouldn't have been said; in general, to me, to others. But they think it's fine. I guess some people really never change.

Ajax has been extremely stressed since and is scared of having his window open or people sleeping over in case that joke ever becomes a reality, even if none of them seem like the type of people to actually do it. He looked like he'd cry but didn't. I didn't say anything. He asked if he could hug me. I let him. He thanked me for listening.

Then I went home. And now I can't sleep.

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24/12

I’m really tired because of last night, but I had to wake up early. Ajax's parents said we didn't need to get them anything, but Mom wants to. She and Miko dragged me out to get presents. Mom got things for the parents, Miko got things for Tonia and Anthon. I got a ruin guard toy for Teucer. He showed me his collection a couple weeks ago. I saw discounted Diamond at the same store so I got Ajax that since I was in charge of his present, too. Maybe it’ll help him stop stressing.

We finished wrapping presents about an hour ago. We're all bad at it, but they're passable.

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25/12

Oh gods it was CHAOTIC. At least for me. Everyone else enjoyed it, but I was on the couch trying to prevent a full blown anxiety attack as Ajax's siblings were running around and being loud and excited as shit. But Ajax seemed genuinely happy. Or he's just a good actor. I doubt he's *that* good. Even I'm not.

Funnily, he also got me a Pokémon game. He got me White since I look like I'd prefer Zekrom (I do). He also said the current save file has Victini and I could put it in Pokémon Bank before resetting. I'm glad I got it before the eShop shut down.

Teucer was very excited to see I got him a ruin guard figure. I wasn't expecting a hug. Everyone found it funny.

Ajax's family made a huge brunch, to the point where the amount made me super nauseous. His mom made sure to put extra food on my plate. Does she really think I'm *that* skinny? I mean, I guess I am by normal standards. Ajax already saw that I don't have a huge appetite and would take some of my food when no one was looking. I still ate, of course, but assumptions really annoy me.

By noon everyone busied themselves with what they got. Other than the game I got a book. Mom didn't like how I was reading it when we were at someone's house because

1. It's rude

2. She doesn't want the younger kids seeing the giant "CANNIBALISM" on the cover

But everyone was doing their own thing, and I didn't have my 3DS.

Ajax immediately jumped into Diamond. He chose Piplup, which wasn't the smartest choice, and named it "Monoceros". I don't care to learn the meaning. He was a lot more relaxed, and it seemed venting to me helped. Ajax cares a lot about his family. He has people he loves that keep him alive. I can't really relate.

Dinner came around. Lots of food again, Ajax ate some for me again. The ham was good, though. I ate all of mine.

Then we all watched a movie. I was pretty tired and I had already seen Home Alone, so I took a nap for a bit.

We went home after. I'm about to go to bed. I am *so* tired right now. I never want to see anyone ever again.

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26/12

Tired. So fucking tired.

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27/12

Cannibalism (the book) is pretty good so far. I wasn't expecting nonfiction to be so easy to read. Usually it's super stiff. I've been reading it all day. Highly recommend.

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28/12

I kinda needed a break from reading, so I played White. I chose Snivy, but I didn't name it. I don't really care much for naming. I also caught a Purrloin. I love cat Pokémon. They're some of my favorites.

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29/12

Heizou apparently gave Kazuha my phone number because Kazuha texted me. He asked how I was and I said I was fine. He said "that's good" and didn't text again.

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30/12

Dinner was good. Still loud, but not as much. They made curry. It wasn't super spicy, but it did have a kick to it.

Miko told them about Yoimiya's firework show on New Years. I'm staying inside because of how loud it'll be. Ajax's mom asked if it would be okay if Teucer stays inside with me since the sudden bang noise triggers sensory overload but he still wants to watch. I agreed.

The rest of his family seemed excited, though. It gets pretty big, but thankfully Yoimiya is mindful of all the trees. Fireworks are illegal here because of the risk of forest fires, but they do it anyway because she makes her own and we're relatively secluded.

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31/12

Writing before Teucer comes over. All I did was find earplugs for us.

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1/1

Happy New Year, I guess.

Teucer and I watched from the kitchen window. He brought the toy I got him and had to get up on a chair. It seemed everyone else went outside except for us. Earplugs were a good choice. While fireworks *are* pretty, they're way too loud. Teucer was fine, though. We snacked a bit and he was surprisingly quiet. I guess it depends on the crowd.

He also called me Kuni, which was weird, but I allowed it.

Mom and Miko drank sake after the show when everyone went home while I just went to bed. I was super tired. I woke up a lot later than usual.

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2/1

Ajax texted me about him being annoyed that I let Teucer call me Kuni and not him. I told him that if he was 8 I'd allow him. He also said he got 67 Pokémon registered in the Dex. I'm both surprised and not at the same time.

I'm almost done with Cannibalism. When I'm done I'll get back to Y. Maybe White. I don't know yet.

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3/1

Happy birthday to me, I'm officially 17…

Mom almost burned down our kitchen trying to make a cake. She forgot I hate sweets, but I can't say that surprises me. It took a noose to get her to finally notice, so in the end this is just another long-awaited lesson for her. We instead went to Uyuu. I got my regular. So did Mom and Miko.

When we got home Mom gave me a t-shirt with multiple youkai on it and chain earrings, made by I assume Sara. Miko gave me a few books. I'm glad they're small things that have use to them and not forgettable trinkets.

Fish and Heizou texted me "Happy Birthday". Ugh. I never cared for birthday celebrations, it’s just a day and nothing more.

Fish said my cactus will arrive tomorrow. I don't really see why she can't just get a ride here, but to be fair that'd cause a bit of a scene and I don't know if Ajax would be home to see.

Rosalyne didn't text me. I'm not surprised and I don't care.

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4/1

The cactus arrived today. Fish painted the pot to look like a boy going through his life(?), starting as a puppet, then wearing white and with a heart in his hands, then with a different outfit and shadows of people and lightning, and then floating with another different outfit. There are names under them: Puppet, Kabukimono, Balladeer, Wanderer, and they rotate: front, left, back, right. I don't know what it all means, but he looks like me.

Fish went all out with gems and glitter glue and paint, but not the tacky kind. She's really good at details. I can tell how long and hard she worked on it.

The cactus is nice, too. It's short, round and has a tiny flower on top. She included instructions on how to care for it. I can't understand her fancy dialect or calligraphy so I'm going to look it up later.

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5/1

I got back to Y. Yveltal took way too long to catch. Other than that, nothing new.

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6/1

Writing this real quick before I go to Ajax's to spend the night. He actually wanted to. Packing right now. Dinner was good.

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7/1

I slept on the floor of Ajax's room. He kept insisting that I should sleep in his bed and have him sleep on the floor, but I said no. It's big enough for both of us, and Ajax tossed that as a compromise, but I don't like sleeping next to people.

We did watch movies on his laptop together on the bed. We sat really close and it was unnerving how warm his arm was, but I’m willing to bet that’s just because of how cold my body is. He was appalled that I have never seen Star Wars. We watched movies (episodes?) 4 and 5. I don't understand why we didn't watch 1 and 2.

When we were actually going to bed Ajax thanked me for being a good friend and making him comfortable enough to sleep near. I don't understand it much, but I guess it's good. He's a lot more relaxed now, like when we first met. Before he told me what happened it was pretty awkward.

I woke up early and played some Y. I also looked around his room a bit. He’s the shining example of a mix of sporty and geeky. I didn’t notice how many comics and manga he had until now. He woke up later, so we had breakfast late. Everyone forced me to try pancakes with blueberries. I like the tartness but not how it makes some parts soggy.

We hung out a bit more and then I went home. The rest of today wasn’t notable.

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8/1

School's back. I thanked Fish in person. Heizou asked me to join him and Kazuha at a café on Thursday. I eventually gave in because free tea is free tea.

Our schedules changed. A Days are now Art, Study Hall, Geometry (no more Algebra, thank gods), Phys Ed. B Days are now Biology, Literature, Liyuen, History. Friday still switches.

Kazuha is in Liyuen and Geometry. Fish is in Bio, Literature and Art. Heizou didn't say specifically but we don't share any on Monday. Ajax and I don't have any classes together this semester but the History classroom is right next to Art, and so are Bio and Liyuen, so that's convenient.

Other than that, it was pretty uneventful.

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9/1

Heizou only has Bio with me. Today's the first day of actual homework, we started reading a new book in Literature: Vera's Melancholy. It's *extremely* boring so far. We need to finish Chapter 1 by next week (it's longer) and I read about half of the whole book when I got home.

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10/1

I had trouble sleeping last night. Heizou dragged me and Kazuha with him during Lunch. I'm fairly certain he's trying to matchmake us. I'm not interested. Honestly, I'm not interested in anyone right now. I'm not ace or aro, just no one caught my eye.

I actually don't know if I want a relationship. Sure, people are attractive, but I have my own shit to deal with. And I know for a fact I won't be faithful and I can't support others.

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11/1

I didn't go to the café with Heizou and Kazuha. Didn't feel like it. Went in a different direction and stopped at Uyuu instead.

Ajax joined me, of course he did. At least he paid. That's his only use to me.

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12/1

Heizou and Kazuha are disappointed, but I don't care. Weirdly, I find hanging out with Ajax to be more engaging. We have contradicting opinions, which means no awkward silence. And then also similar interests. Also he pays for me.

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13/1

Dinner was good again. Ajax's mom and Tonia made Natlan food. It was loud, and Ajax helped sneak some of my food off again. Not a lot, he told me that I should still eat enough since I'm still very underweight.

I don't want to lose weight again– at least, I don’t think so. When I did it fucked me over, but for once I had motivation for something. But even after partially recovering the aftereffects still linger. My appetite sucks, I still have some rituals and I’m somewhat picky, not to mention almost relapsing multiple times.

Ajax cares too much, it's honestly extremely uncomfortable. Next thing I know he'll be professing his undying love. I really hope that doesn't happen because I know for a fact I'd be very toxic. I still don't understand why he thinks we're friends.

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14/1

I just noticed I’ve written over a hundred entries? That's really weird. Hilariously, nothing special happened. Not even the weather.

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15/1

I played White. Too bad Victini counts as a traded Pokémon, that would've made early game a breeze.

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16/1

Rosalyne came up to me and had the audacity to ask why I was avoiding *her*. I asked the same back. Instead of answering, she asked why I hang around Ajax. I said that whether either of us like it or not he's a better person than she'll ever be. Then she scoffed and walked away. Drama queen.

Uyuu was good. We got our usual. Ajax announced how he's joining the swim team once he gets his grades up. All I said was, "Ok," and he said he wished I was more excited about my friend getting on the team.

I caved in on saying we're friends. We hang out too often to just be acquaintances. It's weird having real friends. My last “friendship” was with that group (Rosalyne, Zandik, the others) in middle school, but they were shit. They made light of bad topics and I don't think they realized that they were fueling my depression and anorexia until I broke off. They were apologetic and claimed they didn't mean it, but it was a mistake to forgive them.

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17/1

I write about Ajax here way too much. I sound like I'm obsessed, but he's just the most memorable (in a not really good way) part of my day. It feels boring without him. But to be fair, every day felt boring before that annoying ginger appeared.

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18/1

Today's Thursday, so we went to Uyuu. I told Ajax to order unagi chazuke, and in return he told me to order mixed yakisoba. An employee asked if we were boyfriends (ew) for coming here together multiple times. We both said we're just friends. That was so embarrassing…

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19/1

Heizou dragged me out with him and Kazuha. We went to a café. All of us got tea. It was pretty good.

We talked a bit. Kazuha writes a lot of poetry and even read some aloud for us. He's a good writer. He should publish them, I wouldn't be surprised if he got famous for it. It's funny picturing a 16 year-old writing a bestseller– poetry, no less.

That's something interesting about Kazuha. What lacks in difference and presence excels in literature.

Heizou was happy that Kazuha and I are getting along. Yep. Definitely matchmaking. I'm not interested, and I don't think Kazuha is, either, but I'm not entirely sure. His quietness makes him hard to read.

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20/1

Miko made everyone dinner this time. It took a while, but it was enjoyable. Tonia asked me if I cooked, and I said that I can, but not many dishes. She and Teucer asked if I could make dinner next week. Everyone else looking at me was too pressuring to deny. So now I have to make dinner for nine people. Fuck my life.

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21/1

Decided to think about what to make for next week. Unagi chazuke would take too long and I don't want to ask Mom or Miko for ideas. I think I may try to make pizza. The recipes I found online seem simple enough, and everyone I've met likes pizza. I'll get plain cheese with toppings on the side. Mom likes the atrocity that is pineapples and doesn't like the beauty that is spicy sausages.

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22/1

I just had a dream about Ajax, what the fuck…

Thankfully it wasn't sexual because that would be SO weird and disgusting since we're friends. It was us in some fantasy world where we were rivals(?). We were fighting and there was a lot of blood, but it wasn't scary at all. Ajax got beaten up pretty bad by me. It ended with me winning and then being obligated to take care of his wounds. I did that and then Ajax said something about being glad he was given the honor to fight the 6th. I don't know what that means and then woke up before I could say anything.

It was so weird. And I'm never telling him about it. Ever.

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23/1

I'm glad a lot of people who see Ajax and I get food at Uyuu don't assume we're boyfriends. Most people there are more suspicious when a guy and a girl walk in vs. a guy and a guy or a girl and a girl, or really anything not cishet, I guess.

Same as everytime I go with Ajax, lots of food and lots of money.

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24/1

Nothing of interest. It’s raining, but not too hard.

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25/1

Ajax didn't go to Uyuu, so I went by myself. It wasn't busy today, which meant it was really peaceful. Unagi chazuke was as great as ever.

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26/1

I picked up ingredients for tomorrow. I got a lot of premade dough, sauce and mozzarella cheese. I bought canned pineapples in case Ajax's family wanted them. I also got green onions, peppers, mushrooms, and a lot of meat that we don't already have. Tomorrow I'll pre-cook the ground beef and sausages and slice the vegetables before we leave to save time.

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27/1

Slicing and cooking the vegetables and meat ahead of time was a smart choice. It'd be a hassle to do it at Ajax's and judging by how the kids acted before their impatience could lead to disaster.

It caused a mess and the pizzas were all complete at different times, so there was no formality in waiting for everyone's to finish. Mine turned out good with spicy peppers and meat, but I absolutely cannot believe Ajax's ENTIRE family likes pineapple on pizza. Disgusting.

We didn't do much after, only really talking more at the table, so we went home early. Besides the chaos of everyone making their own pizzas, I don't feel too terribly exhausted. I'll still be hiding in my room tomorrow, though.

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28/1

Slept almost the whole day. I was too bored and unmotivated.

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29/1

I don't understand why couples have the incessant need to be so openly affectionate. It'd be so embarrassing to be kissed in public or called "baby" or whatever. Even hand-holding I find iffy.

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30/1

History class was more boring than I anticipated. I spaced out almost the entire time and thankfully wasn't called on. I can always just look up answers later.

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31/1

January felt way longer than it should've. Baizhu asked if I could babysit Qiqi next Monday, including picking her up from 1st grade. Qiqi's the only kid where that isn't a problem. She's quiet and easy to care for.

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1/2

Ajax asked if I wanted to go get food with him somewhere else. Since he promised to pay, I said yes.

We went to some place with a Snezhnayan name I didn’t bother remembering. It was almost all seafood. Ajax let me try his soup, which was surprisingly good. It was weird how he held the spoon for me, and then got a million times weirder when someone in the restaurant said we were disgusting for being so openly gay. I didn't mean to yell at her about how we aren't, but I did and we almost got kicked out.

The topic dropped until we were walking back home and Ajax said, "You'd be a pretty bad boyfriend." I replied, "Certainly worse than you."

Ajax would be a good boyfriend. As annoying as he is, he cares a lot and isn't all that selfish. Sometimes emotions get the better of him, like that one incident, but he's still very gentlemanly when he wants to be.

Out of curiosity, I asked if he was gay. He made a joke about me being interested, then said he's a closested bi. I asked why, and he said his parents wouldn't really approve of being related to someone who wasn't straight. They were fine with others, though.

He asked me back, I said I was gay, and we mutually agreed to not let our sleepovers get weird since we both like boys.

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2/2

Thankfully the conversation about our sexualities didn't ruin our friendship. If anything, it made it easier to talk about certain things– at least for him. I'm not closeted, but I don't flaunt it like others.

I think anyone that gets with Ajax would be lucky. People like Yoimiya would fit well, but he hasn't said anything about it when I have a feeling he would.

Just an observation.

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3/2

Dinner at Ajax's was soup his mother made. Thick potato soup with chunks of ham, carrots, green onions, some other things. It's good, but I got full very quickly. While the flavor is good, it’s too thick to eat a lot of, plus my low appetite. If I ate any more than half the bowl I’d be sick and at risk of vomiting.

I'm sleeping over tonight. Ajax joked that he should just clean out one of his drawers to put my clothes in so I don't need to keep going back and forth. I said no and left out how the reason was that I have to write in this.

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4/2

Now that we're able to talk about things like sexualities, Ajax told me about how Steven Stone was his first fictional crush and the reason why he likes guys. I laughed at him, because what the hell? I can never understand fictional crushes. They're not real and shouldn't be seen as such. And it being a guy named Steven? Steven?!

He defended himself by saying it's “how powerful” Steven is that's hot. I joked that he's probably a masochist and he whacked me in the arm instead of denying. Huh.

Breakfast was fine, and when I got home I took a long nap. I'll need to take some melatonin before I go to bed.

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5/2

School was boring. I went to pick up Qiqi and saw Albedo doing the same with Klee. We talked for a few moments before leaving.

Qiqi hadn't been on a train before, Baizhu always drove. The noise got too much at one point so I covered her ears. She sat on my lap and held onto me the entire time, though I can't tell if that's because she likes being with me, was scared, or both. Probably both.

I carried her on my back when we went up the road. Even though Baizhu's house isn't nearly as far up as mine, the distance is too much for her to walk.

Baizhu wrote a list of snacks for her. She chose sliced sunsettias. I also gave her coconut milk. He only needed me over until dinner so I didn't have to worry about cooking.

Qiqi and I colored together. I liked how quiet it was. She sorted sheets of some animals and gave me a few she didn't mind not coloring. She only really cared about the birds– finches, specifically.

Baizhu came home, thanked me and paid me 3500 Mora, and then I went home. Since I had some celery at Baizhu's I only ate some leftover fish from the other night.

I'll do some homework before bed. 

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6/2

Very tired today. I hardly paid attention to what anyone was saying. I think Mom said something about going out with Miko on Valentine's Day and that I was on my own that day. Something like that.

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7/2

There was road work on my street that woke me up. I took the side path shortcut. Ajax had no idea of its existence. There's a swing there, but it's pretty old. Since we left a little early, Ajax hung out on it for a few minutes.

On our way back home Ajax told me he thinks he has a secret admirer. That kind of weird cliché of letters, which creeped him out more than flattered him. He said he didn't like the stalker vibes and would say no to whoever it is. I also don't care for them, but I've thankfully never gotten any.

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8/2

Fish and the astrology girl are hanging out more. I guess they became friends. I don't talk to Fish unless she talks to me, which isn't very common. She's too dramatic.

Other than that, nothing of note. The weather is cloudy and cold.

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9/2

Another boring, rainy, very cold day.

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10/2

Spending the night at Ajax's after dinner again. We had more of that potato soup. I'm grabbing more clothes this time since the whole "clear out a drawer for my clothes for less hassle" thing is becoming true. Ajax says next time he should visit my house since he's never gone in. I don't remember the last time a friend has come over.

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11/2

Last night Ajax showed me more of the letters. It's stalkerish, but thankfully only at school. This person watches him almost constantly there and even said they were jealous of me. We did laugh at that.

We watched some anime, too. I showed him Another. He liked it and could see why it was my favorite anime. I told him the original books were much less gruesome, which got him disappointed. But he said it didn't matter much since he wouldn't have read it anyway because he's dyslexic and hates reading. His problem with Literature makes a lot more sense now.

The next morning, we just had some toast. Nothing special. I think I prefer it that way since it's less of a big deal and more normal. Plus it’s a safe food (at least safer than others).

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12/2

We kept an eye out for the secret admirer (stalker). Ajax joked that he should kiss someone to get them to back off. I asked, "Like who?" He said, "Anyone who says yes."

I pointed out that'd cause more harm than good and they'd likely come forward on Valentine's Day and he should just reject them then. He agreed that's a better idea.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ajax is missing 80% of his brain.

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13/2

For some odd reason Yoimiya thought Ajax and I are dating. When she asked me what I was going to do tomorrow I said, "Nothing." She said she thought I'd be doing something with Ajax because APPARENTLY friends can't just hang out! That's the third time this has happened. I have no clue how people just jump to that conclusion.

I told her we're just friends and she did that, "Uhhhh-hhuuuuhhh," thing. I really hate people who do that.

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14/2

I'm glad no one professed their love to me. Apparently Ajax had a lot of secret admirers he barely or never knew. It was frankly absurd. The stalker was some girl he'd never met and he told her no because he wants to get to know a person first. She accused him of liking me (which apparently happened a lot today) and said he was making a mistake. When she finally left I joked he did make a mistake. He whacked my head, but laughed anyway.

Mom and Miko are out on a date. I'm home alone. It's nice and a breath of fresh air.

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15/2

The rumor of Ajax and I dating spread faster than I imagined it to. I wasn't expecting so many people asking if it was true. I denied every time and so did he.

Ajax got really popular really fast, which is why the rumor was spread. It's probably for his looks. He's attractive, but on an objective level. Others have no clue how annoying he really is.

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16/2

Same as yesterday. People are annoying. It's sprinkling.

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17/2

Writing this before dinner at Ajax's. I don't know how the sleepover will play out. Hopefully okay.

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18/2

Last night was the weirdest night of my life. Weirder than that one loud sleepover.

It started out pretty normal. We watched some movies, played some games, same old same old. But then when we were finally going to sleep, we realized that I don’t own a blowup mattress or sleeping bag, we couldn't sleep in the living room, and my floor is too uncomfortable to sleep on.

So GUESS WHAT. Same bed. It was so awkward because despite having plenty of space we slept alarmingly close. To make it worse, Ajax asked if he could hold me because he likes holding something and I only have one pillow. And it left me so speechless and stunned that I. JUST. LET. HIM.

Apparently this happens a lot when he has sleepovers with other people in one bed, but I've never experienced this. So here I am, being held by my only friend whose body is very, VERY warm and being really weirdly comfortable as Ajax instantly falls asleep (and thankfully didn't touch my chest).

The worst part, the absolute WORST part was that I... kind of liked this. It made me feel really fucking weird. I felt… safe? And maybe needed? He didn't ask for another pillow, he asked for me.

I don't know how to feel about that. It's so unfamiliar it's frightening.

Is this what actually being cared about feels like? I want it gone. Really, really bad. And there's no way in hell I'm ever telling Ajax.

I hope this won't last and we can just go back to how we were before.

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19/2

Ajax has been acting completely fine. I guess it is just something normal and it's all in my head. The way he acted normally makes it easier for me to not think about it so much. It still sits in my mind as something unusual, though.

The rumors are dying down a little given how many times we had to reassure we're not dating, but we could tell it was definitely there. A lot of people say it's "weird that someone so popular is always with the loner" or something to that effect. Ajax finds it amusing. I find it bothersome.

Heizou asked me about it, too. I said no, he said that's cool, and I'm even more positive he's trying to hook me up with Kazuha. I'm ignoring it so hopefully he eventually gets the hint, but I'm sure sometime soon I'll need to say it directly. I'm just going to not bother. I have more important things to think about and do.

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20/2

Since we went to Uyuu and got one of the small rooms instead of the normal tables or bar, Ajax and I talked about all the rumors. He could see where they were coming from more than I could, since at his last school he got the same rumors with another friend. He said it's because life gets boring, so you search for things to make it interesting. You see two people almost constantly with each other, you assume there's more to their relationship. I guess I get it, but it's still weird. Probably because I've never been real friends with anyone but Ajax.

He told me to not be too bothered by it since they're only rumors but if anyone asks tell them the truth instead of ignoring. Dodging it tends to lead to more suspicion.

Ajax almost said something else, but our food came before he could finish and he ended up forgetting after. It was good, he paid, and then we walked home.

That chat was relieving.

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21/2

Today was actually kind of a chill day– if we ignore rumors. It was raining a bit, and except for walking down and up the road, it wasn't too big of a problem.

I studied for the History test next Friday. Both History and Literature are in tandem right now, which also makes tomorrow's essay easier. I'm not really one to get stressed over assignments, but everyone else – with the exception of Heizou and I suspect Kazuha – does. I don't like procrastinating, it's all just blissful lies until everything crashes down.

Though, sometimes I do need to reign in my emotions on essays and things like that.

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22/2

The essay wasn't hard, but I did need to hold back a bit.

We had to write about how mythology has influenced the modern world. Things like names, logos, events, etc. We got to choose a god, so I chose Rukkhadevata. Since that involved Kusanali, I asked the teacher if doing two gods counted as extra credit. It does, so alongside accuracy I get bonus points.

But my personal opinions on how dumb our ancestors were always seeps in one way or another. Other than how gods were only imagined to answer the unanswered, Irminsul makes no sense at all. And I have no idea what magic flowers that give money to people even represent other than some delusional excuse for greed. Not to mention how confusing all of Old Sumeru's lore is. To be fair, all the old nations' myths are confusing when looking at it from a modern perspective. At least the whole knowledge thing affecting scholars and thus education is relatively easy to write about. The teacher would probably appreciate that specifically, so as long as my opinions don't take over too much, I'll get an A+.

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23/2

I was bored after dinner, so I decided to clean my closet. I found the box of laxatives and diet pills from when I was working towards my UGW and trying to maintain when I hit it. It's weird seeing them, even though it hasn't really been that long since I last took them. They probably still work.

Seeing them gives me a really strange feeling. It's almost nostalgia? I don't know how to describe it. Even though those were some of the shittiest years of my life, I kind of miss it? Because it gave me a sense of control and at least then I had a goal I was determined to reach, and did.

I just stared at them for a while, then I flushed them down the toilet to stop myself from getting too tempted.

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24/2

Writing this before we leave for dinner since I'm not going be heading back to pick up clothes. The day's been mostly lackluster; calm weather and I did homework, but I'm trying to avoid thinking about last night.

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25/2

Last night went about the same as our last sleepover. Ajax showed me how he now has every available Pokémon in Diamond (besides trades and exclusives, which he asked my help for). He told me about how when he was younger he hyperfixated on narwhals and wished there was a narwhal Pokémon. Dewgong doesn't count.

We slept in his bed and he held me again. I don't want to admit it, but it feels nice. It was cold last night so I felt warmer, both externally and maybe internally? It's a really uncomfortable feeling, but I think that comes more from me not knowing how to label it. I'll do research on it later.

We had a normal breakfast, and when I got home I played some White.

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26/2

Finally, no more rumors. That made today much more peaceful and it felt like how it was before. Schoolwork was relatively easy, too.

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27/2

I saw a cute calico cat outside on the way home. Since I wasn't in a rush, I petted her. She really liked me but hated Ajax, which I thought was funny. She was very clean, cleaner than a stray, so I didn't take her with me. All cats deserve a home, and I don't want to take that away from her if she does have one.

I want to get another cat. We had one when I was younger and I was really close to him. Another cat isn’t necessary, though, so no new cat yet.

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28/2

Kind of tired today, which made it feel slower than usual. Ajax had his first swim meet, so I went home by myself. I'm going to bed early.

Also, I forgot to say yesterday that I did get an A+ on the essay. As to be expected.

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29/2

I forgot that this year's a Leap Year, which tripped me up a little. But it's fine. I didn't feel like going to Uyuu today so instead I went home and ate some leftover rice and salmon. I should get unagi from the Inazuman market so I can make my own unagi chazuke, but I'd need to go on a weekend because of how far it is. Two trips in one afternoon would be impossible, even if I immediately turn around and go back.

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1/3

It was extra cold today. I wore one of my thick jackets and hung out by myself during lunch, which was nice. I like having time to myself.

I went home alone again since Ajax has swim meets on Wednesdays and Fridays. I did my homework and afterwards picked one of the books Miko gave me to read. So far, I'm really enjoying it. Even though we never get along, she knows my tastes.

I missed good books. Literature tends to be dreadfully boring and it takes the fun out of reading.

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2/3

Ajax is coming over again and is actually having dinner here. It's just him, not the rest of his family, which is nice because that means it'll be more calm and less chaotic.

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3/3

This weekend… my gods. It was like a roller coaster and I'm afraid I'm understanding what this feeling is.

First off, Mom let Ajax and I eat fried fish at the couch since it'd be awkward if we four ate together. I felt colder than usual so I wrapped myself in a blanket. Ajax told me I can come closer because of how warm his body temperature is, so, reluctantly, I did. It was… comfortable. And I got that weird feeling again.

When we were laying in bed and he held me, he said he's glad he met me and that I'm not as mean as people say. That feeling got really intense and it was a little hard to breathe, but I barely managed to brush it off.

Today I looked up what this feeling was. No wonder I didn't recognize it.

I can't believe my first crush is on Ajax.

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4/3

Gods, I can NOT think clearly now! It’s like this realization took over my entire brain, ugh!!! Everything clicks now and it’s so weird and embarrassing it makes me want to scream!

I hate this so much…

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5/3

My mind keeps on alternating between “spend time with him” and “avoid him” and it’s so annoying… I can’t see going to Uyuu with him as anything BUT a date so I decided not to go, but that means we walk home together and that *should* be normal like it was before but it’s not!

I feel so disgusting… At least I still sound and act normal. Other than those rumors that went away, no one suspects anything between us. So I’m okay for now.

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6/3

Ajax has swim meet, which gives me time to think. Walking up the road alone is nice, it’s much more peaceful and pretty. I also don’t have to worry about people seeing me getting like this over a boy.

I don’t want to confess– at least for now.

Actually, scratch that, I’m never confessing since that means my one and only friendship will disappear if I say anything in regards to how I feel. It’ll get too weird and too awkward, he’ll be too uncomfortable to be near me and I don’t want that. It’s just better if I don’t say anything.

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7/3

Ajax dragged me to a café to pick up some baked goods for his family and food for us. Thankfully, we weren’t sitting down there and instead ate on our way home, so it felt much less like a date.

Ajax got crumbs on his cheek. I don’t know in what way but I wanted to wipe it off somehow. Instead I mocked him for being a slob. He found it funny and then wiped it off himself.

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8/3

I was able to catch up on homework that I couldn’t focus on for obvious reasons. It’s gotten a little easier to cope but I fear all my mental progress will be gone tomorrow.

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9/3

Despite how much I oddly wanted to spend time with him, I managed to get out of our sleepover under the guise of homework (which is technically true if you count reading). I fear I’d accidentally let something slip and being so close to him is getting more embarrassing because there are… *things* I want to do with him when we’re next to each other. Things that friends don’t do.

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10/3

MIKO KNOWS. MIKO TOTALLY KNOWS. She told me I never need to catch up on homework on Saturday night or Sunday AND she noticed the tiny differences of how I acted! This is so embarrassing, why did my practical stepmother notice?! Why did she say something?! She mocked me for liking him and then had the metaphorical balls to then say, “You should tell him.” DOES SHE WANT TO RUIN MY LIFE THAT BADLY?! OF COURSE SHE DOES!!! SHE’S MIKO!!!!!

She also says Mom acts the same which makes it worse and even more embarrassing.

Fuck my life. Fuck my life. Fuck. My. Life.

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11/3

I can see Miko and her stupid fox grin in the window when Ajax and I leave and come back. She did promise not to tell Mom but it’s still so embarrassing that someone – ESPECIALLY her – knows.

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12/3

We have no homework since tomorrow’s a holiday, which is nice. I’m still not going to Uyuu with Ajax.

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13/3

Today is the 72nd anniversary of the Merging of the Nations. This time the feast was at Albedo’s. Yoimiya’s family brought the tables and chairs since they’re next door to Albedo.

All of us brought food from our cultures. Miko made a lot of fried tofu, Ajax brought calla lily seafood soup, Collei brought pita pockets, so on and so forth.

Qiqi sat on my right and Ajax on my left. So much food all together still makes me incredibly nauseous and anxious. No one except Mom and Miko knows about how I had/have (not entirely sure) an ED, but they think I’ve fully recovered since I’ve been eating most of my meals, so they don’t check anymore. But still, it made me feel so, so sick and internally panic.

Ajax noticed how I couldn’t even get food on my plate. It felt nice that someone cared, but also *very* embarrassing. I don’t want him to know. He gave me some of his food and helped me eat since it was difficult to do on my own. I think Yoimiya saw us, which is certainly going to be awkward given the lack of context.

Even though I still hate Merging of the Nations Day – it makes me want to purge every single time – I hated today a little less, especially when Ajax said he’s glad I’m eating.

I like it when he smiles because of me.

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14/3

I was really tired today, as was everyone else, so classwork was simple. Biology was the easiest of them, all we did was watch a documentary about symbiotic relationships and take notes. I have a good memory, so notes aren’t always necessary.

But yesterday still leaves me feeling that uncomfortable warmness in my chest. I still don’t know if I like it or not. At least it doesn’t seem like Yoimiya saw.

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15/3

I checked out a book at the school library to read: Snezhnayan Kingpin. It’s about the rise and fall of a drug dealing website. So far, it’s really gripping. I like it. And it helps me keep my mind off of other things.

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16/3

Ajax texted me and asked if I was caught up on homework. I told him yes, and he said, “Then you’re definitely sleeping over tonight.” I can’t believe I fell for that trick.

About to head to dinner. Wish me luck.

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17/3

I don’t know how to describe how I feel. Relieved and calm yet embarrassed and exhilarated?

We stayed up later than normal because Ajax needed help with the Dex and I showed him the Gift Pokémon exploit. But when we woke up it became the most embarrassing yet oddly happy moment of my life.

I woke up earlier than him, as per usual, but when I tried to grab my phone, he pulled me back and told me not to move. I didn’t mean to say, “You’re lucky I like you,” but I did. I 1000% blame morning delirium.

And then there was a really long pause because Ajax *definitely* heard me and *definitely* understood me. And my gods, did I want to die so bad…

But then he said, “I guess I am lucky you like me.” It wasn’t a confirmation nor a denial, which made me panic a little (I swear, only a little). I asked him if he felt the same, and all he did was laugh, put his head in my neck, sigh and somehow hold me even closer.

That seems rather definitive.

We laid there for a while and I don’t think Ajax fell back asleep. I asked him what we are now, and he told me that we can be whatever I want. I said, “More than just friends,” and he said he liked the sound of that.

It’s so surreal that someone feels this way about me. I don’t deserve it, but I like it. A lot. It makes my chest squeeze and burn, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this way– if ever. When was the last time I genuinely smiled?

I don’t know if I want to do anything more than hand-holding in private when it comes to physical affection, and Ajax said that’s okay. And Miko immediately guessed right when I got home.

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18/3

Today was a nice day, and not just because it was cloudy and cool. I felt more relaxed than I have in a long time and while we didn’t do any PDA, I don’t really mind the (now faded) rumors as much.

Ajax told me to keep this a secret from his family, but it’s okay to tell mine if they promise not to say anything. I told him that’s fine and Miko already guessed, and he found that funny and predictable.

We did sit closer than usual on the train, but not to the point where people would notice– an inch closer at most. We didn’t talk, which was surprising, but I liked the silence.

I like how warm his hand is.

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19/3

Yoimiya asked, because apparently she did see. We said yes, but there isn’t much of a reason to spread the word. She just seemed excited to be right.

Ajax said he wants our first official date to be on Thursday. He wanted it to be more than regular Uyuu (which we both accepted as us dating before dating). I told him that as long as there’s no PDA, it’s fine.

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20/3

I’m a bit over halfway through White. While the graphics are kind of weird, the story makes up for it. I’d rank it below Platinum, above SoulSilver.

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21/3

Today was our first official date. We took a short train trip to an art gallery. The paintings were all greyscale watercolor, depicting various forms of life and death by small hints instead of flat-out showing it. That’s what I think makes them beautiful; their darkness is hidden. My favorite was the electrocution painting.

Ajax was glad I enjoyed it. He said the look in my eyes when I saw the paintings was prettier than the paintings themselves. I had to cover my face from embarrassment and I’m glad no one was close enough to hear, but I’m positive someone saw me push him away.

Afterwards, we went to a café, picked up some food and drinks, then headed back home. It was almost dark when we got back.

It was more difficult to thank him than I predicted, but he could tell and said he’s glad our first date was a success. I think I’ll sleep well tonight.

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22/3

Writing this in the morning because I did in fact *not* sleep well. I had a nightmare and ended up waking up in a cold sweat at around 4. I was running through a house of mirrors and every mirror showed a different time my attempts failed. I kept on hearing my own voice shouting and crying and laughing in my ears, taunting me and ridiculing me and saying everything’s my fault. I don’t deserve to live. I’m nothing but an insufferable inconvenience that makes everyone’s lives worse. I don’t belong here. I should just stop being a pussy and end everything already.

How can someone love me? I don’t deserve love. I deserve hate and pain because everything is always my fault.

I fucking hate how a nightmare caused this. I can’t believe I hit styros over a *fucking* nightmare of all things. It wasn’t even real. I’m so fucking pathetic.

I need to get ready for school.

School’s over so I’m adding that Phys Ed, unsurprisingly, made my thighs hurt more. The scabs ended up opening which is always annoying. I’m glad I wore black. Ajax noticed something was off. I told him I just had trouble sleeping last night and he said he hopes I sleep better tonight since tomorrow’s Saturday and he wants me to have fun. I’m never telling him what actually happened.

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23/3

I will say I slept better, but my mind and body still feel very off. It was nice hearing that someone cares and wants me to feel better, even if they don’t know why I feel this way. But I can’t help but doubt.

I’m not sure how this sleepover will change now that he and I are dating, and that worries me. I’m just going to hope for the best.

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24/3

The only thing that was different was he held my hand while we slept. Since it’s just the two of us, I didn’t mind. My hand did start to get sweaty, so I eventually had to wriggle it out. Still… being held felt nice. I felt more okay. And I slept better. No nightmares.

This morning I put cinnamon on my toast. I like the taste. It’s like Fontainian toast, but minus the horrible sweetness, disgusting texture and truly awful syrup. A.k.a. Fontainian toast but good.

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25/3

Kazuha knew Heizou was trying to matchmake us and wasn’t exactly sure how to break it to him that he also has a boyfriend. His boyfriend is from the other swim team’s school and it’s on the down low.

We told Heizou that both of us are with other people. I was extremely blunt because it’s always best to get straight to the point. Kazuha is too polite. Heizou denied his actions via congratulating us, but we could both tell he prefers not to admit defeat. It was relieving to get this over with.

Phys Ed hurt a bit, but I can tolerate much worse. I’ve had to do Phys Ed directly after hitting beans, this is nothing in comparison. But I ended up scratching at it and making it bleed again because of the itch. Thankfully my clothes are dark.

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26/3

Fish invited me over to hang out this Saturday. I told Mom about it and that I won’t be at dinner. She’s fine with it. Fish lives in an apartment in the city and is pretty far from the train station, so I’ll leave early.

I went to Uyuu by myself and talked with an older woman. She went to the Sumeru Akademiya and became a professional sculptor. She’s technically retired but enjoys selling her pottery. I asked for contact info in case I wanted to buy, so she gave me the website name. By the looks of it she’s very talented. It’s a shame art isn’t as profitable now unless you really luck out on MewTube or something.

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27/3

I visited the older woman, who just sells her pottery at her home. I got a cat mug. The sculpting is really well done. I mainly chose it because it’s purple and the tongue sticking out is cute. We wrapped it in newspaper and I carried it in my backpack.

I’ll need to wash it before using it. Maybe I’ll make it my designated tea mug.

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28/3

Apparently on the last Friday of the month, the swim team has a competition with another school. Ajax asked if I could attend and watch, and I said yes. I prefer to think of it as an exchange with the art gallery date.

We went to Uyuu, which was actually relatively the same as all the times before. We sat at the same distance, ate the same food, had the same mannerisms, and I liked how casual and not romantic it felt.

The rest of the day also went normal, with the exception of Miko’s teasing. Overall, it was nice.

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29/3

The bleachers were a lot more packed than expected, and the noise of cheering hurt my ears. Our team was surprisingly good; though, perhaps that’s just due to Ajax’s skill. And I absolutely HATE how hard it was to not just think about how he was shirtless, it makes me want to fucking die…

I didn’t yell and instead just clapped. He saw me when he finished the freestyle race (first place), which I suppose is good. When it was over I told him he was better than expected, and he laughed and thanked me for the compliment.

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30/3

Since I’ve never been to Fish’s place, I left early in case I got lost. She lives in an apartment on the outskirts of the city and almost the complete opposite side as the train station. Walking the rest of the way wasn’t terrible, though. It took maybe two hours, I’m not sure. I avoided the crowded parts and stayed on the edge instead.

Fish’s apartment is relatively small, but I guess it’s the right size for how small her family is. It has a nice view, too. As soon as I made it she pulled me in and showed me her crow ("raven") named Oz. As far as I know, you can’t legally own a crow, but she assured me that everything was fine.

A lot of what she said was impossible to understand, but we did talk about anime. She’s a fellow Another enjoyer, but also is really into Madoka Magica. It’s pretty clear both Mei and Homura greatly influenced her, and then toss in special interests in D&D and Malice Mizer, and you have Fish. She has the second album’s CD and played it for us, and I can totally tell why she loves it (I found it okay at best).

We ended up just microwaving some frozen mac n' cheese for dinner. It wasn’t bad, but it could be better.

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31/3

I’m pretty tired today. I reread one of my favorite books, though, which was nice.

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1/4

It’s raining, so April showers bring May flowers? But it rains so much here it’s more like daily showers drown the flowers. I bet the river is even higher now. There haven’t been any floods since last June, but when the next one comes around we won’t be at any risk at all. The entire road is high enough, which means Qiqi is safe, too.

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2/4

I let Ajax very briefly hold my hand when we left Uyuu. It made him happy, and I think holding it when no one’s around makes it easier to do it now. And we sat closer on the train, too, with our sides almost touching.

He asked me what I wanted to do on our next date, and I told him I’d need to give it some thought.

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3/4

I’m thinking about what I want our date to be. Something that’s us going out but not really in public. Definitely not a restaurant, we already go to one biweekly. Maybe just to the park– there’s an awning over some benches there, and I highly doubt anyone will be there if it’s still raining.

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4/4

I told Ajax what I want us to do, and he agreed. We decided to do it on Saturday since that’ll conveniently ease into our dinner. He asked if I minded reading him our current book in Literature since he can’t find a free audiobook, and I joked that our date was just going to be a homework session, but said yes anyway.

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5/4

I forgot to return Snezhnayan Kingpin, but thankfully it just barely wasn’t overdue. I decided to check out a few books on psychology, they seemed interesting. I’ll start reading them on Sunday.

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6/4

Today was nice. We headed out at about the same time as we do for school and picked up some breakfast at a bakery along the way. Ajax got a meat and cheese croissant and I got an almond croissant.

When we made it to the park, I was glad no one was there because of the rain. The rain was slightly angled but not enough to worry about. We sat on the bench together and I read to Ajax. He didn’t mind how I refused to voice act and was holding me because I was shivering. I’m more okay when I’m moving, but even with multiple layers I’m still cold. A side effect, you could say.

Him holding me actually didn’t warm me much, but I couldn’t help but feel this strange sense of safety. Like I was okay. It’s such a weird feeling, and it’s really difficult to explain; it’s something I know but there aren’t any words to properly convey it.

After I finished reading, we just sat together for a bit. He put his chin on my head and we listened to the rain. It almost didn’t feel real, how calm I felt just sitting here, not even really doing anything. It was so… peaceful, like a dream. Usually my mind is never at peace for one reason or another, so this is like a breath of fresh air.

Just sitting here, listening to the rain, feeling safe and at peace, it may have been the best day of my life. Every day before today for as long as I can remember there was always at least one bad thing, but that’s gone today. Hell, even writing this it’s not deterring me.

So, yeah. Today was nice.

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7/4

Ajax brought his 3DS over so we could play together. I helped him with the Gen 4 Gift exploit again since he got lost. It is kinda hard to understand at first, but after setting it up you can do them all in one sitting.

I caught Miko smirking at me and I wanted to scream at her SO badly, but I didn’t because I’ve learned that it results in nothing but more teasing. But then it got WORSE and I HAD to yell when she asked me if Ajax and I should sleep in separate rooms since our family doesn’t want another teen pregnancy! My gods, I want to grab her hair and pull it and rip it out of her skull and then stuff it in her mouth to shut her up because she is the WORST!!!

Aside from… that, it was fine. It was normal. It was good. I’d still consider this a really nice day– the pros heavily outweigh the cons.

When we were laying in bed, Ajax told me he enjoyed today, too, and that I chose a really good spot for our second date. It’s nice that he’s able to understand what I’m trying to say, he’s the only person who can. Everyone else gets frustrated and leaves me. It’s still foreign, but it’s relieving to know that he won’t misunderstand when I’m trying to thank him and stuff.

I have a feeling he may have his own experiences.

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8/4

I like taking the train. It’s better than a cramped car and very few people take it. More often than not there are six people max on the whole train. I also like how it’s the rural train so there aren’t many stops. The only downside is the noise, but otherwise it’s nice.

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9/4

Fish properly introduced me to the astrology girl. Her name is Mona, and while she’s still annoying, she’s not as annoying as I initially expected. I hardly know anything about my zodiac (or any of them, for that matter), but the way she described Capricorn could be accurate if you bend the meanings a bit.

The whole “determined” part’s been mostly gone since I hit my UGW, even though I’m no longer there. I’ve kinda just been… going through it now. The whole semi-recovery thing. I don’t know, it’s weird balancing on the line between recovery and relapse. Like the littlest thing could make me fall back in. That’s why I don’t weigh myself anymore.

Mona talking about determination made me remember when I actually had a drive for something and a goal I wanted to hit.

…I miss it. A lot.

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10/4

I returned the books but couldn’t find any that I was interested in. And my Geometry homework was harder than anticipated.

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11/4

Ajax and I talked about our next date. He said it’d be kinda fun to just walk around downtown and possibly do some shopping. It’s simple and easy, so I’m fine with it.

I told him I may be ready to actually hold hands by then, but I’m not entirely sure yet.

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12/4

I wasn’t expecting city pop to appear on my Modify playlist. How can anyone listen to that crap? Instant skip.

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13/4

I finished my homework early, so I reread some of my books. As dumb as Teyvat mythology is, it does make an interesting read. 

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14/4

Last night when I was in Ajax’s bathroom, I saw they had a scale. It made sense given his father is overweight and is actively trying to lose, but I shouldn’t have been so tempted. When I stepped on the scale and saw my weight, I couldn’t stop myself from panicking.

I’m 83.4lbs now, which means within the past year I have gained 13.7. I’m now BMI 15.3, and that terrifies me. I don’t know why, but I feel *fat*. I know I’m not, I know I’m very skinny, but I can’t help but feel this way.

Gods, I can’t stop panicking. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!!!

I’m relapsing. I can’t stop myself from relapsing. It’s all too much. I’m too much.

I hate myself. I hate my body for gaining weight. I hate my mind for panicking over it. I want to rip the flesh off of me with my bare hands. I’m so revolting in every single way.

I shouldn’t have thrown away those pills. I *need* this gone. I *need* to look like how I used to. I *need* to get back to 70 and in the 12’s.

Why do I have to be this way? Why do I have to cry my eyes out over this? Why is it so easy to fall back in?

My body is absolutely disgusting.

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15/4

I decided my OMAD is lunch. In the morning I can just drink tea and if Miko gets suspicious I’ll make breakfast and then flush it down the toilet. At dinner I’ll say I’ll eat in my room (already common) and flush that down the toilet, too.

Lunch will be miso with ginger and tofu, 60kcal. I’ll also drink a full bottle of water before first period, during lunch and twice when I get home. It’ll help get rid of water weight and curb my appetite. And if I get *really* hungry I’ll eat 5 almonds max, 10kcal.

I want to avoid purging, but if push comes to shove I’ll do it. Uyuu should be mostly fine, Saturday will be tricky because they would definitely hear me purge, so if I can at least avoid eating most on my plate, I can consider it closer to a metab day.

Aside from Saturday (kinda unavoidable) I’ll keep my intake under 100kcal per day. When I go downtown with Ajax and we get food somewhere I’ll purge in the bathroom. I’ll take two toothbrushes: one to help and one to brush my teeth after. I don’t want them rotting.

Walking up/down our road is good cardio and I redownloaded my step counter. Walking to, at and from school is about 5k steps, and I can walk at least another 5k in my room. I can burn at least 400kcal. I’ll walk the second 5k after I finish writing this.

On Wednesday I can buy a scale. I’ll hide it under my dresser like my diary. I’ll weigh myself after I take a cold shower before morning tea and before I go to bed.

Not sure how long it’ll take, but as long as I keep losing I’ll be okay.

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16/4

Unagi chazuke is 316 calories, which is way too many, but at least I’m able to burn it all. Plus, white rice is easily digested and unagi has protein. I’ll accept this as an exception as long as it’s all burned by the end of the day. Today I burned 406 calories, but with decline/incline it’s more like 425, if not more. At least I burned 100.

I’ll buy a scale tomorrow.

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17/4

Have scales gotten more expensive? I think so.

I avoided the employees and got a scale, metab pills and laxatives (for Saturday and any emergency. They take 24 hours to kick in, so there will be no suspicion).

I decided to fast on Wednesdays and walk at least 15k on Fridays to make up for Uyuu. Calorie intake was 0. I burned 467.

I weighed myself after using the bathroom. 83.2. It’s a start. I’ll add a second ginger cube to the miso.

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18/4

This morning I weighed the same as last night. Tonight I weigh 84.9 because I ate. I know taking a laxative is a bad idea after only eating one dish and that it has no effect on calories burned, but I can’t handle seeing my weight that high. Any increase is absolutely vile. 316 intake, 400 burned. Net -84kcal.

Ajax and I are going downtown on Saturday. He wants to get pizza there, so I’ll definitely purge. I hate purging, but it’s a necessity. He also wants to go shopping, so if I see anything I like he’ll buy it for me. At least he’s happy and doesn’t suspect anything. I know he’ll notice eventually, but I really hope not.

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19/4

I forgot how fucking dizzy I get after lowering my intake. It was there a little earlier, but it hit extra hard today. Were it not for putting salt on my tongue, eating almonds and drinking more water, I may have collapsed. I’m not upping my maximum intake, though, it’s too risky.

This morning I’m 83.6. Currently I’m 83.3. Intake 70, burned 761, net -691. My legs hurt so much… but that’s fine. The ginger helps keep my energy up, which is good. I’m glad no one noticed how loud my stomach rumbled at school.

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20/4

I enjoyed going downtown. Aside from purging (pizza is so fucking painful), it took my mind off of things.

I let Ajax hold my hand in public for a little bit. He was really happy about it. After that he called me Kotenok. Or was it Kotonok? Kotonek? I don’t know Snezhnayan, but I guess it’s an affectionate nickname because he called me it more. If I ever give him a nickname, it’ll be 鮪. I’ll never tell him what it means.

We stopped at a bookstore and he bought me a novel on the history of cats and their impact on society. It’s interesting reading about how they were once worshipped all around Teyvat but are now overshadowed by dogs. I wish cats were still as praised as they once were.

I can’t avoid dinner, so I quickly weighed myself before Ajax comes over. This morning I’m 83, right now I’m 82.9. Intake 0, burned 492. Net -492kcal. It’s really slow, but it’s always been that way. As long as I’m losing, it’s fine. Losing 45lbs took 4 years, I can handle it.

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21/4

I was forced to go to Ajax’s instead, which was so, *so* nerve racking. No one pressures me to eat as much as his mother.

I managed to avoid some of dinner. They cooked burgers on the stove, so I took that and some of the vegetables. I’ve never finished a full plate there, but there’s technically more leftover now. I ate most of the vegetables since they’re low cal and a third of the burger (no bun or condiments, just the patty) and chewed and spit the rest. No one seemed to have noticed. I also drank two full glasses of water before and after.

Ajax and I talked about our favorite media as kids. I’m not surprised he was into a bunch of ocean-related shows and movies. I told him about how I used to collect Monster High dolls. He didn’t know much about them other than a few dolls Tonia has. I showed him the characters and he said his favorite is Lagoona, but he also liked Sirena. My favorite’s always been Toralei.

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22/4

When I weighed myself this morning I was 84.5lbs. Because of that, I fasted today and walked 15k steps. -782kcal. Now I’m 82.7. At least that’s a little better.

I know most of that was food weight but it was too terrifying to *not* do something about it. I can't stand seeing my weight that high.

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23/4

I’m praying today will be fine. This morning I’m 82.5 and took a metab pill with my tea. So close to being out of the 15’s… Just .7 more and I’ll have made actual progress.

83.8. Fuck my life.

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24/4

Fasted today, this morning it was the same as yesterday but now at 8p.m. I’m 82.4.

Tomorrow I’ll make up an excuse to skip Uyuu and fast again. Then I’ll hopefully finally no longer be in the 15’s.

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25/4

The dizziness was so extreme this morning I went into an uncontrollable panic mode and binged a bunch of random things in our kitchen. At the very least I purged after, but I fucking hate losing control. Even with purging, I was too afraid to weigh myself today.

The dizziness eventually subsided, but I refused to go to Uyuu. Ajax wasn’t disappointed, and he doesn’t suspect anything. My excuse is I have extra homework (slightly true, it’s not too much more), which he understood.

We walked home together and shared his umbrella. It’s cold, but pretty. And his hand is really warm. I’ll never tell him that I didn’t want to let go of it.

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26/4

This morning I finally got into the 14s. I’m 81.7lbs, which makes me BMI 14.9. I’m losing a bit faster, and it’s so relieving. The ginger, pills, walking, and fasting are beginning to actually help. I may start fasting on Thursdays as long as I don’t get too dizzy. Thankfully ginger cubes don’t break fasts, so I can still have it with hot water.

Today is another one of Ajax’s swim competitions. He was 1st place in freestyle again, and I clapped a little louder than before. Afterwards, we went to a café together. He got an iced latte and I got green tea.

Today’s a good day; both because of my weight loss and Ajax winning. I’m glad he can understand that “I’m surprised you even got a medal” means “I’m proud of you.”

Intake 60kcal, burned 814kcal. Net -749kcal.

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27/4

When I took a shower a little more hair came out than usual, which is rather early, but I don’t care. My hair thinning more doesn’t bother me, but having to clean it off my shower floor is *so* annoying.

I’m 81.2. I’ll try to monitor my intake tonight.

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28/4

Did the same as last time with two glasses before and after. We got Liyuen takeout because no one felt like cooking. I kept to the broccoli in broccoli beef, with the sauce I estimate it was about 185kcal. I burned 243kcal yesterday and another 501 after Ajax left. Net (about) -559 this weekend. Tonight I am 80.1lbs. So close to the 70s…

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29/4

I want to fucking kill myself. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I’m 80.7lbs tonight. Walking at least 15k steps every day until Saturday. Fasting tomorrow, Wednesday, and if I’m not below 80 then Thursday, too. I’ll drink exclusively hot water with ginger. I won’t give into cravings. I won’t give into pressure.

If I’m about to pass out, I will allow 1 cup of miso, but that is it.

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30/4

I’m 80.2, so I skipped Uyuu to hopefully get out of the 80s, but I promised Ajax I’ll make up for it next time. I’m not entirely sure how yet, but I need to persuade him away.

Burned 736kcal, thankfully. Hopefully by Thursday morning I’ll be 80lbs or lower. If so, I’ll go to Uyuu, but I’ll walk at least an extra 7k when I’m back home.

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1/5

I did it! Tonight I’m 79.9lbs! I hope to be 79.5 tomorrow morning, and I’ll take a laxative before I go to bed so I can (hopefully) be less by the end of the day.

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2/5

I got fried tofu this time. Lowcal, great benefits. As much as I love unagi chazuke, it’s too fattening. It’s not a fear food, but I’ll save it for when it’s time to maintain as a bit of a reward.

To make up for last time, I let Ajax hug me in public. It felt... nice, but also somewhat wrong with how the reason was because of an ED. He liked it a lot, though, so that’s good. He didn’t say anything about how my body felt, and I don’t know if I like or dislike that. I flip-flop between wanting people to notice and not wanting people to notice. I’ve only lost 3.8lbs (now 79.5), so I guess it’s to be expected.

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3/5

I walked 17k, and my legs hurt *so* bad. I stretched after, which alleviates it a bit. I should get actual sneakers.

Intake 60kcal, burned 783kcal, net -723kcal. Tonight I’m 79.2lbs. I hope I can lose faster.

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4/5

Before leaving I’m 78.8lbs. In the mirror after my shower I noticed my chest was slightly smaller, which will always be a major motivator since alongside dysphoria that's where most of my fat goes to. It’s my favorite of the changes. As for below… For my entire life it's grossed me out, but at a low weight it’s even worse. I try my best to avoid thinking about it.

I may be able to do that Monster can trend, but I doubt my thigh will be thin enough until I’m maybe 75lbs. And I hate energy drinks, anyway, so that’s just wasted money.

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5/5

Last night was roast chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, and green beans. I ate the green beans and some chicken without the skin– lean protein is always good. I estimate it was 350kcal total, which is over the limit, but I took a laxative after.

The thought of kissing Ajax briefly passed my mind today, but I don’t feel ready yet. Ajax said we can go at my own pace, so when I feel ready I will. Not relying on a GW for this.

Currently I’m 78.5lbs. I have a feeling Ajax will notice once I hit 75.

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6/5

I told Ajax what I want our next date to be. If it’s raining, we’ll go to a cat café. If it’s not, we’ll go on a walk in the woods to the river and hang out there. He said he wanted to go to the river since he’s never seen it before. It’s probably much higher now.

Intake 60kcal, burned 452kcal, net -392kcal. Tonight I’m 78.2lbs.

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7/5

I think I prefer Uyuu’s fried tofu over Miko’s. Sure, hers is good, but something about the way it’s cooked at Uyuu just tastes better. It’s not as fried and the tofu is less firm.

I’m 78lbs. Intake (about) 250kcal because I c/s half while Ajax was in the bathroom, burned 477kcal, net (about) -227kcal. Less than I’d wish, but any loss is good loss.

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8/5

I visited the library and picked a book about the last Inazuman dynasty before the Merging of the Nations. I know the general events from school, but it was also a couple hundred years long. I hope it goes into how they fell after the Merging since we glossed over that part.

77.8lbs now. Once I hit 76, I’ll be out of BMI 14 jail. Burned 488kcal.

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9/5

It wasn’t raining, so we went to the river. We stopped at a convenience store on the way. I got dried seaweed and extra water. Ajax got chips and soda.

When we sat by the river, Ajax told me about when he lived in Old Snezhnaya. He talked about how cold it was and how much he loved ice fishing. That’s what he misses most. He moved due to his father’s work changing locations, something or other relating to business. He doesn’t exactly mind it, but he does miss his old friends. They’re still in touch, though.

Intake 73kcal. Burned 901kcal. Net -828kcal. I’m now 77.4. This is going faster than last time, but that’s because of how bad my control was before. It was insanely hard for me to control cravings, and the slowness was why it took so long to be noticed.

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10/5

I got the dizziest yet this morning and the tea, ginger water, salt, and almonds only helped until just before lunchtime. Miso and tofu hardly did anything, but I had to tough it out through the day. By the time school was over, it was hard to stand.

It was so embarrassing when Ajax carried me on his back, I want to fucking die so bad. What made it worse was that he stopped at a deli and made me eat a sandwich with a disgusting amount of different foods in it. I can tell he doesn’t know and is only assuming it’ll make me feel better, and I fucking hate that it did.

I couldn’t measure any calories, and by the time we got back it was too late to purge. I weighed myself and I’m 82.1lbs. I want to die. I want to die so fucking bad.

I know he was doing this out of concern and care, but all I can feel right now is disdain. For both of us. I want to tear open my stomach and rip the food out, toss it out the window or flush it down the toilet or light it on fire. Just get it out of me and my sight.

I took a laxative, but it doesn’t make me feel any less disgusting or resentful. And I can’t find it in myself to consider today a metab day.

I fucking hate myself.

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11/5

The laxative kicked in half an hour ago. I weighed myself again. 78.9. I feel awful and my stomach still hurts like hell, but at the very least I walked 5k steps.

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12/5

Last night both frightened me and comforted me.

Ajax walked in on me changing, but it wasn’t that I was outed that made me panic. It was because he saw my legs. Cat scratches and styros and beans, new and old, every single cut from my hips to my ankles.

Him seeing everything made me panic so bad I cried. I hate that I cried and screamed at him to leave and not look. I hate that I felt so weak in front of him. I hate that he saw how fucking pathetic I am. And I hate that I was terrified that he *would* leave me.

But he hugged me close and let me cry and didn’t complain that I got snot and tears on his shirt. He told me that it’s okay and I’m okay. He told me that he’s here for me and if I need him in the middle of the night he’ll come over without a question. I think that was the first time I ever thanked him.

After I calmed down he brought me my blanket and held me on the floor. He told me that while he’s never self harmed, he’s dealt with self-hatred for a long time.

It’s somewhat comforting knowing he’s also experienced these feelings, even if it was for different reasons and he’s never gone as far as I have (which I never want to happen). It makes it a little easier to let my guard down, and I really do appreciate him being there for me. I told him I’ll be there for him, too, but I know that’s a lie and I can’t actually commit to that.

It felt really bittersweet, but we just sat there for a while. He held my hand and hummed some song that was really calming. I nearly fell asleep to it. And I’m also really glad he didn’t kiss my cuts, I would’ve kicked him in the face if he did.

He stayed until the afternoon today, and I made miso and tofu for us. He added a pack of instant noodles to his. We watched movies, played games, and the whole time he stayed right next to me. Mom saw, but didn’t say anything. I’m glad. 

I guess in the end this weekend was a little more sweet than bitter.

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13/5

I’m still thinking about the other night, but this week is finals week, so there are more things to prioritize over that, no matter how much the feeling of his warm hand on mine or his humming won’t leave my mind.

Geometry is an open note test and I assume History and Biology will be the same. We’ll probably be writing an essay in Literature. I’m not too worried about Liyuen, but I need to stop mixing up Inazuman and Liyuen readings and the small changes in characters (like 魚 vs. 鱼).

I’m one of the top students, so I won’t have much of a problem with this. My focus is off and I’m more tired, but I’m still able to work.

Intake 60kcal, burned 392kcal. Net -327kcal. I always leave out BMR because it tempts me into eating more, but if we count that it’s another 1,091kcal burned since I’m 77.7lbs. It’s annoying that I’m going so slow despite that, but at least I’m getting back on track.

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14/5

The Biology test went fine. About a third of the students didn’t finish, but that’s what Thursday’s for. I have a nagging feeling that I got *something* wrong on the Liyuen test. A few questions confused me, specifically the ones where you translate a sentence to pinyin.

Literature, on the other hand, was incredibly easy. Our prompt was writing a long essay comparing our experiences to our last book (The Boar Princess) and the main characters. I couldn’t relate to any of them, so everything I wrote was about the differences.

Tomorrow is only Geometry, we’re not doing anything for Art so we’ll be watching a movie instead.

Intake 150kcal, burned 427kcal. Net -277kcal. A lot less than preferred, but I’m 77.4lbs. It’s so relieving that I lost 6 pounds in a month after struggling so hard last time. I learned from my mistakes and it makes me feel euphoric, especially when I’m so close to being under BMI 14.

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15/5

When I looked in the mirror this morning I noticed that I’m considered bonespo. I’m not going to post any pictures online, though. I don’t want to influence others.

While I had more trouble focusing, the Geometry test was easy because of my access to notes. All things considered, it was more or less a breeze. In Art we watched a documentary on the creation of oil paints. It was boring, so I took a nap.

Phys Ed is getting more difficult, and I can never measure calories burned from it. We’re doing volleyball and after only 10 minutes I got so exhausted I had to sit down for the rest of it. It never helps that it’s my final period. I passed out as soon as I got home.

Intake 60kcal, burned (at least) 358kcal, net (at least) -293kcal. I’m 77lbs. At 76 I’ll be BMI 13.9, and I’m almost halfway back to my UGW, which I’m looking forward to.

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16/5

This morning when I saw I was halfway there, I kind of just had a moment to think about *why* I relapsed. Last time it was so people would start caring about me, but now I don’t want anyone knowing. It’s the exact opposite.

Am I so fucked in the head that I relapsed for no reason? Or is this all self-loathing? If that’s true then I hate myself even more. I’m so pathetic.

I made a rash decision without thinking at all to eat more at Uyuu. I felt so sick after. It wasn’t even that much, but it felt like a binge. A me-sized binge, I guess. And I didn’t purge, either, like a fucking bitch.

Eating so much makes me so exhausted, I think I fell asleep for a bit on the train. I didn’t weigh myself when I got home and instead just laid in bed and slept until past 9:30. I’m such a fuckup.

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17/5

I’ve had an awful headache all day. Since I finished everything there wasn’t anything to do. School gets out in a couple weeks, so until the 30th things will be slow. We should just get out next week if all we’ll be doing until graduation is different social activities.

I’m too scared to see my weight right now, especially when I lost control and binged a full box of crackers (I purged after, but I still can't look at it). What the hell is wrong with me? I was doing so well, but now I’m an even bigger disappointment. I hit beans as punishment but it didn’t help this time. If anything, it made me feel worse.

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18/5

My thighs are absolutely *screaming* today… At least me laying in bed all day because of that also means no kitchen. I’m just going to hope no one notices if I limp. 

I considered calling Ajax last night, but I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be alone or with someone. I’ll never tell him this, but his voice is nice to listen to. I should’ve called, I really should’ve, even if I didn’t tell him what happened  I would’ve felt calmer.

At least I’ll be seeing him tonight, I guess that’s something to look forward to. But I need to make sure I don’t look like I’ve been crying for hours.

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19/5

I refrained from eating most of dinner. At least I still have some level of control. I only ate the fish they grilled and nothing else.

Ajax told me that when it’s summer we should do a lot of things together. I do want to spend time with him but I also want time for myself. He wants to take me to the lake he heard about and the amusement park and “whatever summer events there are here”. The lake is the only one I want to go to since it won’t be crowded and we can just sit at the pier.

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20/5

On our way home, Ajax and I found a black kitten in a dumpster. She was very thin and dirty and I’d estimate she’s two months old at most. Her whole body was shaking, too. She couldn’t stop at all.

Obviously, we took her. She was shivering and huddled against my chest in my jacket, but scratched Ajax’s hand when he tried to pet her.

We then ran to the pet store and got food, litter, toys, and cat shampoo. Ajax paid for everything. We gave her food as soon as we paid. She was so hungry she ate all the food in my hands. She also drank from my water bottle.

When we got to my house, I gave her a bath. I kept the water warm, but she still shivered. I made sure to be gentle. Afterwards, I wrapped her in a towel and held her as Ajax set up the food, water and litter box in my room. I decided to name her after the third guy on the cactus pot because of the color of her fur, but Ajax said Balladeer was too long and weird of a name, so she’ll mostly be called Bella.

Ajax told me that when I was holding Bella I looked the most relaxed he’s ever seen me. It’s weird to think about, me being like that, but in the end it makes sense. Cats were always there for me when no one else was.

Bella will be staying in my room until she gets used to the place. Mom and Miko don’t mind. They said that while Bella will be mainly my responsibility, they’ll take care of her when I can’t.

She’s sleeping and purring in my bed under the blankets right now. I’ll hold her close tonight.

I’m so glad I found her.

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21/5

Miko made sure to frequently check up on Bella while I was at school. She told me Bella mostly just rested in my bed. She meowed a lot when I came home and ran over to me– or, rather, tried to run over to me. Her body’s very wobbly and jittery and she can’t walk straight at all, but she’s very clearly happy to be in a warm, comfortable environment now, as opposed to the dumpster. This morning I made a pseudo-ramp out of books against my bed so she can get up and down easier. I also surrounded my bed and the ramp with pillows in case she falls.

When I hold her and feel how bony she is, it makes me think about myself. It makes me question my choices and why I don’t eat much. Why do I want to be sick? Why do I want to be so thin? It’s no longer a desire to be noticed and cared for, but instead self-hatred and disgust. It’s hard to sort my thoughts, when I see my weight drop I enter a loop of pride and double-questioning.

But Bella is doing a little better. She hasn’t physically changed – it’s only been two days – but I had to refill her bowls a little, which is good. We scheduled a vet appointment for Saturday to make sure she gets healthier.

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22/5

Ajax came over to hang out after he finished swim meet. Bella is calm unless he gets too close, but him sitting near me and her being on my chest is safe. We watched some MewTube videos Ajax wanted to show me. They were about different murder cases, and they were actually rather interesting. I would’ve never guessed Ajax liked these sorts of things, and when I asked about it he said he absolutely loved them, but has to reign in his overzealous fascination or else it’d freak people out. I don’t mind, though. I let him ramble about gruesome topics.

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23/5

I can tell Bella gained a little, but she’s still very wobbly. I’m worried that she’s injured despite how happy she acts.

I’m currently 76.8lbs, which is so pathetic of a change compared to before. If I didn’t binge I would be lower. But I’m not *as* panicked over only losing 0.2 as I would be if I didn’t have a weak kitten to worry about. I need to make sure she stays happy and gets better.

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24/5

Miko watched over Bella so I could go to Ajax’s last swim competition. Apparently the last one of the year is the biggest where the schools elect their three best players to compete. There's a round for each and the best performing player of each school moves onto the finals. Whoever wins gets a medal for themselves and a trophy for the school.

Ajax passed to the finals, and while he got third place during the backstroke, he was first in the other three, which meant that overall he won.

I should’ve expected the cheering to be as loud and chaotic as it was. My ears felt like they were going to burst. But he did get first in the biggest competition of the year, so I suppose it’s to be expected.

On our way back we stopped at a café. I ate half of my plain croissant and drank two sips of tea before each bite. Ajax was too distracted by his medal to see it.

I was able to tell him I was proud of him. As in, I actually said it. Not a, “You’re better than expected,” or an, “I’m surprised,” like before, but actually telling him that I was proud. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to say, but it made him even happier.

If I had the ability to, I would’ve done something more.

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25/5

Bella was scared of everything and clung onto me, but she did get into the appointment. The vet said the reason why she’s so wobbly is because she has moderate cerebellar hypoplasia. Thankfully, it’s not *inherently* dangerous, she’ll just have a lot of trouble moving around and should be watched over.

They prescribed special food that’ll help her gain weight since they can’t spay or vaccinate her when she’s so thin. They don’t detect any injuries or illnesses, but her immune system's so low getting sick from something small is still a possibility. She was going to stay an indoor cat, anyway.

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26/5

When Ajax spent the night I gave him a pillow to sleep with after he told me he was jealous of Bella. Something about a kotenok choosing a kotenok (now I know the meaning…) over his own boyfriend. I laughed at him for being jealous of a cat of all things.

I told him about Bella’s cerebellar hypoplasia, which he found interesting, and while cats hate him he’s happy that it's not particularly dangerous. He also didn’t mind that I’m skipping our lunches to care for Bella, he agrees that those can be put on hold for an indefinite amount of time. I’m glad he understands.

I had certain… thoughts this morning. They’re thoughts that have never been this detailed, but… I kind of want to kiss Ajax. It’s crossed my mind before, but just… He’s done a lot for me, and I really appreciate it, even if it’s impossible to say aloud. I wouldn’t be able to feel those little sparks of joy and relief if he wasn’t here. He’s important to me, and I don’t want to know his reaction if I were to die.

He’s the only person that really does care about how I feel. And while it’s hard to convey outwardly, I care a lot about him, too, and I want to show that.

I’m not ready to say, “I love you,” but I kind of feel that way. He probably does, too, but maybe he’s not ready to say it, either. It’s too much commitment.

I don’t know if I’ll do it sooner or later, but I want to at some point. I just hope I don’t regret it.

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27/5

I hung out with Fish and Mona during lunch. They’re already the best of friends, which is odd. But then again, I suppose that’d make me a hypocrite. Mona’s rambles about astrology are so annoying, it’s fun to refute and make her stutter. Fish tried to be the mediator, but more often than not she was entertained.

They asked if I wanted to have a slumber party with them and some other girl named Layla. I told them I’d consider it if they managed to catch a thousand birds. I hate slumber parties, they’re too chaotic and I always go to a different part of the house to read instead of engaging in everyone's insanity. In any social situation one-on-one will be superior.

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28/5

Bella is looking a lot healthier already. When I weighed her she gained .3lbs, which is a great improvement. She was 0.5lbs when we found her. Once she gains another 1.2lbs she’ll be perfectly healthy.

Since I weighed her with me, I noticed that I maintained and am the exact same as before. I don’t exactly know how to feel about it, but I'm hoping it’s just food weight. My body’s looked about the same for the past two weeks, and I like the way my bones look (except for ana face), but I'm still not thin enough.

I know I’m eating less than my BMR, but I’m still eating more than before due to sudden panics and subsequent binges, not to mention how fucked my metabolism is. I feel sick thinking about it.

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29/5

Fish is fucking insane. How the fuck did she make a THOUSAND origami cranes?! I can’t believe her, this is ridiculous!

I gave them to Tonia because she wanted to decorate her room with them. I did keep a purple one to let Bella play with (which was almost instantly ripped apart), but otherwise they’re not my problem anymore.

Tomorrow’s the last day of school, which is relieving.

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30/5

Today’s the last day of junior year. The graduation went the same as usual; boring, snoozefest speeches that are just wasting time.

But Zandik and Rosalyne graduated, so I thankfully don’t have to see them all the time next year. They’ll probably both enroll at the Sumeru Akademiya. I’m fairly certain Zandik got multiple letters of recommendation despite how he’s completely mad in the head and I know Rosalyne has the money to get into any school no matter how prestigious.

Other than that brief talk with Ajax, I don’t know what I want to do during summer. I’ll probably do my usual and stay alone in my room, maybe read or play/replay Pokémon, but now that I have a boyfriend I can’t guarantee it.

Actually, going to the Inazuman market and buying unagi and books sometime could be nice. I’ll make Ajax pay, there are better things to spend my allowance on.

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31/5

I spent all day inside with Bella. I opened my door and she started exploring around. I made sure to stay close in case something bad happens. Thankfully, she had no interest in going downstairs. If she ever does, I’ll carry her.

She found Miko’s office to be the most interesting of the other rooms. She spent a lot of time sniffing the furniture and I briefly let her explore Miko’s desk.

When she was done I held her for a while. I can feel that she’s gained a bit more, and I hope she’ll be healthy soon.

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1/6

It’s raining extra hard today. The roof’s so loud it feels like my ears are going to burst. I haven’t heard any thunder or lightning yet, but the storms will probably start tomorrow as per usual.

I’ve always hated June.

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2/6

The first of many thunderstorms.

I couldn’t sleep last night, and neither could Ajax, so we watched a show instead. I don’t remember what it was about or even its name because we talked the whole time. He told me that he’s never heard rain this loud and how only hail can compare. It didn’t hail often in Old Snezhnaya, but there was constant snow. He’s never seen what’s below the snow and theorized that it’s probably similar to here. That’s one of the ways he copes with moving so far. I don’t feel any connection here like he does to where he lived. Moving will be easy.

Since there’s no pressure from homework or school, he stayed longer and went home when I got so tired the rain was no longer a bother. I slept until just past 10p.m., but it’s summer, so there’s no issues.

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3/6

I finally finished Y. Overall, it was disappointing. They should’ve gone farther and fleshed out Team Flare and made their ideals more compelling (although, my expectations are skewed by White). It was also just way too easy. I do like the new Pokémon, though – Espurr now being my all-time favorite – and some of the character designs like Valerie were neat. But in the end there was a lot of wasted potential.

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4/6

Ajax asked what our next date should be. The storms are always heaviest in June, so it’d be best to do something inside.

We’ve mainly been doing things I prefer, so I thought for a while about what he would want. If I want someone to care about me, I need to show them I reciprocate, or he’ll just leave like everyone else. It’s painfully hard, but it’s something that I need– no, *want* to do.

Which is why I’m going to try to kiss him at the aquarium next Tuesday. At least on the cheek. I just hope it goes well and I don’t end up regretting it.

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5/6

Bella’s made a lot of progress. She’s already almost at a normal weight and on the rare occasions where she isn’t in my room she hangs out in Miko’s office on her lap while she works. Her cerebellar hypoplasia really damages her movement and I always follow just in case, but she doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest.

I’ve lost 0.3lbs and am now 76.5/BMI 14, and I’m still in some sort of limbo over it. I don’t know what to think. Am I happy that I’m losing? Am I disappointed that it’s so little? Or do I hate myself for relapsing? But I still refuse to let anything stop me.

I have no one to talk about this with, so I’m stuck to wallow in conflict.

Emotions are a pointless mess.

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6/6

There’s been thunder and lightning all day and night, which made it impossible to sleep. Bella’s scared of the noise, so I held her close to me so she knows she’s safe. It’s ironic given who she’s named after.

Speaking of which, the cactus is still alive. I’m not a plant person, but watering it is now part of my routine. I’m still impressed by Fish’s skills, too.

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7/6

I drew a bit today. I don’t draw nearly as often as I used to, mostly because what I drew was almost entirely vent art. I just sketched Bella sleeping.

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8/6

I could hardly sleep last night due to another nightmare, so I napped until some point in the evening. It was more peaceful, but a good rest can never erase that house of mirrors. At least I didn’t cut deep styros this time, which I suppose is better than before. It’s less blood to worry about.

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9/6

I didn’t tell Ajax about what happened yesterday, even though I really should’ve. I’m still too scared to be so open and weak. I don’t want to cry in front of him ever again, I refuse to let him see me being so pathetic.

But even with all that, I felt this unnervingly strong desire for physical touch– for warmth. When we sleep, he hugs me from behind, but last night I faced him instead. It got stuffy after a while, but I didn’t want to move. I’m sure he could tell something was different since this has never happened before, and I’m glad he didn’t pry. Maybe he saw it as a good thing judging by how happy he looked. I’ll keep it as that.

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10/6

I’m regretting convincing myself to kiss him tomorrow. Gods, it’s starting to make me panic. Is he going to be weirded out? Is he going to think I stepped too far? Is he going to think I’m a freak? Is he going to hate me?

Am I going to have to be alone again?

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11/6

Miko drove us to the aquarium because of the rain, and since I didn’t tell Ajax where we were going his excitement was painfully overwhelming.

Ajax tried to pay, but I covered it with my allowance. He ended up touring me around and showing me his favorite spots. He liked the giant whale skeleton hanging above the most (I had to stand there for a whole 10 minutes). He held my hand the whole time so I was dragged around, which made me trip and lose my breath multiple times. Despite that, I didn’t stop him. I can’t help but feel good seeing him smiling because of me. At least I’m not entirely useless.

When we were by the anemones, I finally did it. I didn’t know how to properly initiate, so while he was leaning down I quickly kissed his cheek. And then he just stared at me and didn’t say anything for way, way, *way* too long. I tried to pull away and leave out of pure, unadulterated embarrassment, but he pulled me back and kissed me. On the lips. It was very short, but despite wanting to do this I was still embarrassed and shocked. I ended up burying my head in my jacket so he couldn’t see how red my face was. He just laughed, which was incredibly humiliating.

Ajax was much more affectionate after that and hugged me multiple times (in public). When we got back he kissed me again before going to his house, and I couldn’t help but like it. I don’t want to kiss too often, just every now and then, but I really did like it when he kissed me.

Miko made another comment about teen pregnancy (of course she did), and I yelled at her to shut up for once. If it was hell for me, it’d be hell for my kid, too. And I don’t even want kids anyway, much less getting pregnant! Why can’t Miko ever just shut up?!

Even after that, I liked today a lot. I’m glad Ajax can see that I’m trying and that he thinks I’m worthy of being kissed.

I never imagined the feeling of being loved in any form – any *real* form – would be this comforting.

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12/6

Those two kisses won’t leave my head. My face’s been burning and my chest’s been tight all day, but at the same time I feel like crying. All these feelings are so confusing. It’s just so absurd to think I was worthy of something like that. I mean, I wanted it, but now that it happened it feels fake. Love is so bizarre. I still don’t deserve it. The only “special” thing about me is how pathetic I am. Does someone as useless as me actually deserve love? I look disgusting, I’m weak in every way, everyone hates me, I make everything worse– there is absolutely nothing good about me.

I’ve been the cause of so much trouble and pain that it’s impossible to accept that this is real. Even still, when I think about Ajax I feel comforted. He didn’t start caring until seeing me almost die like Mom. He didn’t start caring until I was losing weight like anyone at school. He just… did. And there’s something about that that makes me grateful. It wasn’t because of pity, he just always felt some level of care for me.

On a whim I thanked him via text. It’s easier to type than say aloud. He replied that he didn’t know why I was thanking him, but said “you’re welcome” anyway. Then he sent a blue heart emoji, and I was too caught off guard to send one back.

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13/6

I only have a few pages left of this book, so I asked Mom if she could pick up another on her way home from work. It was so embarrassing and awkward to say… But Mom was happy about this and said she’ll get another one tomorrow. This doesn’t help the same way as a therapist, but at least I can let out my emotions and thoughts without fear of being judged or seen.

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14/6

Bella’s now at a healthy weight, but she won’t be getting spayed or vaccinated for a while because we don’t want to risk anything. She’s still eating the special food, and when she’s a bit older she can switch to regular food. It’s really nice to know she’s already doing so much better than when we found her. She’s very happy and loves to play with strings. The one with a puff ball and a feather on the end is her favorite, she even holds it when she sleeps sometimes.

She has very poor aim, but that doesn’t stop her. Maybe it gives her a bit of a rush. I’m still slow with moving it, though. I don’t want her to go too crazy and get hurt.

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15/6

I’m screwed for life. Miko asked for permission to marry Mom. I obviously said no because I don’t want that fox to be in my life until the day I die, only for her to say, “Too bad,” and that she’s proposing anyway. I hope they get a divorce immediately.

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16/6

This is the last entry of this book. I can’t believe I’m continuing on to another. That’s ridiculous.

I told Ajax about Miko, and he had the balls to say it may not be that bad. My own boyfriend doesn’t believe me. I hate this world.

But last night Ajax asked if he could kiss me again – a kiss goodnight – and I said yes. I’m glad he asked, I would’ve punched him in the face if he kissed me out of nowhere. And Bella seems to be a little more comfortable around him. She slept between us, but still stuck onto me. She thought Ajax petting her was me, and when she realized it wasn’t she tried to bite him. I couldn’t help but laugh.

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17/6

First page of my second book. Instead of purple with a small cat silhouette it’s aqua with a lotus design in the corner. I don’t know if I want to fill the entire thing, maybe I’ll just do a year and then see how I feel at the end. I’m already over 2/3 way through, it’s not all that unrealistic. But I also don’t know how old it’ll get. Besides, writing in a diary as an adult is childish.

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18/6

I searched online for any new games to get. I don’t have a GBA, DS or Switch, so no games before Gen 4 or after Gen 7. I’m considering Black 2. I found one for only 1,799 Mora on meBay, which is a good deal, but shipping is 400 and tax is 250. Still cheaper than retail, especially given how old it is now.

I’ll give it some thought before buying. I wish ROMs could run fine on my laptop.

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19/6

Okay, I will say I am *very* annoyed that Bella ripped my favorite sweater with her claws. But I’m not going to yell at her for it. I’ll never yell at a cat, especially not one as small and young as her.

I'll keep my other sweaters out of her reach.

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20/6

I think Ajax is catching onto my ED.

It started when Ajax came over to hang out and I asked him to tell me more about his morbid fascinations since it still seemed unusual. He was hesitant at first, but once I assured him I won’t judge, he started rambling about all these random gruesome things. He laughed ridiculously hard at this one story about a family who died from a basement of potatoes. He thanked me for not calling him a freak.

He asked me if I ever wanted to hurt someone (he was fairly violent in middle school and early high school as a form of stress relief), and I said I have wanted to, but accidentally slipped out that I can’t do much. He then held my arm and pointed out how I do look skinnier. I tried to tell him I look the same, but he wasn’t buying it. He told me that he’ll take me out to lunch tomorrow because being at such a low weight (75.1lbs/BMI 13.7) is worrisome. I know it is, I can’t deny it, but I still don’t want to stop, nor can I find the care to.

I can’t tell him. I can never tell him. But he’s starting to catch on, and that frightens me. He’s connecting the dots. And if he fully realizes what’s happening, I have to convince him not to tell anyone.

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21/6

The entire day I was stressed out of my mind. Yes, it’s nice to know someone cares about my wellbeing, but I hate, hate, HATE being forced to eat– especially such a big lunch.

It was another Snezhnayan place I don’t even want to remember the name of, and it was so, so much… First there was this sour soup, then meat-filled buns, and then some kind of eggplant caviar. I can’t even begin to imagine the calories. It was so sickening and I was on the brink of vomiting by the end. I could hardly move without *something* threatening to come out.

I kept trying to convince Ajax I’m fine, but he still wouldn’t listen. He pulled me out of the restaurant before I could go to the bathroom to purge. I wasn’t even able to ask, so I don’t know if he was suspecting.

From downtown to the train to back here at home, I couldn’t stop stressing. The nausea was the most intense it’s ever been and there was constantly something in my throat. I’m so fucking disgusting. I want to die so fucking bad. And since we were downtown for hours, by the time I was home I could only purge a little of it.

I hate everything. I fucking hate everything. Even him for forcing me.

I’m too scared of this happening again, so I’m distancing myself from him. I know it’s wrong, but I *need* to do this, or else I’ll stab my throat and let myself bleed out.

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22/6

I felt sick all day, which was an easy excuse to skip meals. I laid in bed and slept since I was too nauseous to move. I didn’t bother reading Ajax’s texts. At least Bella was here to comfort me.

I'm not having dinner or a sleepover. I can’t handle any of that.

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23/6

I’m still sick. Whenever I think about food I feel like I’m about to vomit. At least I got up to take a bath and brush my teeth and actually take care of my hygiene. I hate the feeling of being dirty.

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24/6

Ajax came over today to check on me against my will. I fucking hate that we’re neighbors and he can just do that at any time. He apologized and explained that he was just really worried about me. I couldn’t look at him the entire time, especially when he asked if I was doing this on purpose. At this point there’s no possible way to deny, so I just didn’t say anything and hid myself with my blanket. Ajax hugged me close and told me he’ll “help” me get better. He doesn’t understand how this works. It’s not a switch you can flip. Yes, I have felt some conflict over why I’m like this, but it’s not something I can change. I don’t even want to.

I said that as long as he doesn’t tell anyone, I’ll recover– I’ll pretend to. I’m too scared to gain, I can’t ever let that happen again.

He was happy about this, and I can’t help but feel guilty for tricking him. But at the same time, this is for the best.

I can’t believe I used to want people to worry. Now it’s become a pain.

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25/6

Ajax said he spent the entire night researching, hence why he looked so tired when he came over to check if I was eating lunch and dinner. He’s watching me like a hawk now. This is so, *so* stressful…

At least he now understands not to make me eat such large portions. He’s having me eat “small” things like fruit and chicken breast. I’m burning as much as I possibly can and walking until I can’t walk anymore. And I’m not eating anything else.

But I have to admit, it did feel nice when he kissed my cheek after I finished. I just can’t say it’s worth it.

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26/6

Same as yesterday. I’m afraid I’ll be forced to eat this much every day. I weighed myself and I’m 77.6lbs. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just the food’s weight, but I know it’s not. I’ve been walking around my room every moment I can to ensure I don’t gain. Even if it makes me feel like my legs are going to break, even if it makes me pass out, I need to do it.

In other worse news, Miko proposed to Mom today – on her birthday, no less – so I’m fucked for the rest of time. I’ve never seen her so happy. She’s hardly ever been happy over me, only within the past year and a half and even then it’s too bizarre to accept. I’m such a fuckup.

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27/6

I’ve been so tired the last few days. It’s hard to exercise when I constantly want to sleep my worries away– even at the cost of nightmares. My body hurts from pushing myself to burn as much as I can. I’m so exhausted and I’m aching everywhere and I *hate* it. But I have to do it, no matter how many times I fall over. I have to burn everything and more. I can’t let that number go up again.

Bella likes to bite my hair, but the way she does it is by walking on my face, so I’m forced to wake up at random times during the night when I have no energy to move. All of this makes me feel worse.

I want to die so bad, but there’s something comforting about Bella playing and being with me and only me that makes me calmer. Right now, she’s the only one I can outright say I love without shame or embarrassment.

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28/6

June is always the worst month– not only for storms but how so many things go wrong and I suffer the most. I remember this was the day I first attempted suicide, but this is the first time in five years I didn’t repeat. I’m just so, so tired…

It almost felt like a tradition, strangely, some kind of thought that I’d finally do it this time. It always backfired in some way, though, which only made June worse.

The last time I attempted must’ve been last October, I’m surprised it’s been that long ago. It was so much more common before. Maybe my life temporarily stopped deteriorating.

Could eating a whole bottle of sleeping pills make me sleep forever?

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29/6

The rain alternated between heavy and normal, but like every day this month there was thunder. I saw a few lightning strikes this morning. I’ve always hated thunder and lightning. It’s never been anything but bothersome, and the fact that it’s my surname makes it even worse.

I was scared of it as a kid, but I had to get over it myself. I envied other kids whose parents reassured them they’re safe, but I had to come to terms that would never be possible for me.

How would my life play out if Mom *did* reassure me, if she *did* care? I doubt I’d be falling every hour, constantly hating myself and everything around me, wishing to die.

Maybe I’d be happy. But you can’t turn back time no matter how desperately you want to. You can never escape the pain. It will always be there, holding you and never letting go.

Love is unfamiliar, love is painful, and that’s why I still can’t accept Mom’s many apologies and impossible attempts to make up for 16 years of absence. I suppose that’s why she was so compliant with me not wanting to go to rehab as long as I ate, or me not wanting a therapist as long as I wrote, to make me happy and to show she listens now.

That’s not how I thought my mother would go about caring. And I never expected my desire for love would turn in a completely different direction.

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30/6

I couldn’t get out of bed at all today, my legs couldn’t move and I felt too dizzy. I’m glad I moved this to my bedside drawer. But it’s so frustrating that I can’t get up by myself.

I say “by myself” because the only person that’s bothered helping me is Ajax– for better or for worse. The only thing I can thank him for is carrying me to the bathroom and helping me bathe. The water was covered in bubbles so he wouldn’t see anything.

We’re pretending I’m just sick. He made me three different soups for each meal and asked me to rate them from 1 to 10. I refused to eat more than a third of lunch’s soup and rated it a 0.

My favorite is still miso, but I'm not telling him that.

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1/7

Ajax erased his Alpha Sapphire file for me to play, so I’d “have something I like to do” while I suffer through my misery and weakness. I questioned him about it (he had 350+ hours on his save file), but he said he transferred everything to Bank and that it’s just a game. It took a few moments to tune back into reality after he said, “You’re more important.”

Whether it be proof that June is over or just pure, stupid luck, I somehow got a shiny Mudkip without even trying.

He told me I should name it after the pot, like Bella, and while naming Pokémon is stupid, it does look a little bit like a Kabukimono. I’ll still call it Mudkip, though.

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2/7

Today has been mundane. I have no energy to do anything but curl up and sleep and hope I don’t wake up.

I hate that I have to be cared for. I hate that other people have to do everything for me. I hate that I’m completely and utterly useless. But I can’t get better, nor do I have the motivation *to* get better, so I’m stuck.

So long as I'm alive I will always be in pain. I need to end it as soon as I can– permanently this time.

I swear by it.

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3/7

Another day, another three soups, another lackluster conversation. I don’t even remember what it was about, the brain fog was too intense and whenever it wasn’t I was thinking about a plan.

The easiest at the moment is an OD. Not a lot of effort, not a lot of energy required. I just need to get myself to the bathroom and back on my own.

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4/7

I haven’t bothered to play any more of Alpha Sapphire beyond how far I got when he gave it to me. There’s no point when you're stuck in purgatory. But I know that if there’s a heaven, I won’t be there.

Sunday night will be proof.

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5/7

I had to force myself to stretch out my legs. Every movement makes me exhausted and nauseous and like I’m two seconds away from vomiting, but if I want to get to the bathroom I need to do it.

Eating is making me worse. Why can’t he see that?

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6/7

I managed to crawl to the bathroom. All we have are sleeping pills and not a lot at that, but I hope it’s enough. 

I’ll kill myself tomorrow night. There’s no point to me. There never was, not even before I was born.

If all goes right, this is my final entry.

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7/7

I didn’t say anything or write a note, but it didn’t even matter in the end. The pills got stuck in my throat and I couldn’t stop myself from coughing them up. It also left a permanent disgusting taste in my mouth. By the time I finally calmed down all the ones that had fallen out were already being dissolved by my saliva. Whatever I did manage to swallow wasn’t enough.

My blanket is a mess now. Crying makes my throat hurt more.

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8/7

I didn’t die, but I sure as hell feel sicker. I vomited this morning into the empty drawer of my nightstand but it was entirely acid, which burned like hell. I haphazardly cleaned it up with the end pages of this. And I absolutely refused to eat no matter how many times Ajax tried to force me to. It was just too sickening. Purging is one thing, involuntary is another.

But he didn’t leave me alone. I hate being watched. When he hugged me I couldn’t decipher if it made me feel better or worse. On one hand, it made me feel warm; on the other, my stomach dropped. I wish it’d be just one or the other, black or white and not a disgusting mixture of greys.

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9/7

I’m still pissed at myself. I’m pissed at everything, ESPECIALLY Mom for using so many sleeping pills. She should’ve just stocked up, but instead she STILL buys things one at a time and gets to make me suffer even more than she already has.

And why hasn’t Ajax given up yet? I don’t understand. I’m not worth it and it’s not even helping, so why bother? Why can’t he just let me rot away and finally die? 

Being cared for is so much more suffocating than I ever thought it’d be.

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10/7

Ajax asked me what things I like to do that I can’t do when I’m like this. I couldn’t think of anything, but then he asked about visiting the library since I like to read.

I like libraries. I like how everyone just unanimously decides to shut up and enjoy quiet time to themselves. It’s one of the few bearable public places out there.

He told me that when I get better we can go there and that’s something to look forward to. As much as I like libraries, I don’t feel nearly the same amount of enthusiasm. Not even close. If I want to read something new, I’ll just find an ebook.

But phones can never replace the smell of paper.

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11/7

Today was the first day where I actually somewhat enjoyed one of Ajax’s soups. It’s not heavy in any way, just vegetables and tofu in broth. It was the first soup I ate more than a third of because I’m positive it’s lower calorie than the others.

I rated it a 3, though it could be as high as a 4. I’m sure he could tell since he decided he’ll make it more often.

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12/7

I feel sick. The soup wasn't worth it.

The rainy season is ending now and it’s a miracle there weren’t any floods. It’s still raining, but it’s slowly becoming more of a drizzle.

I was able to stretch my body a little, but nothing beyond that. It’s not worth the effort.

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13/7

Watching the weather clear up reminds me of when it used to be warm. The last time summer was warm was in elementary school. I must’ve been 8 or so.

If there’s one thing I miss about those summers, it’s wearing shorts. I miss wearing shorts in general, but it’s impossible to wear them without also seeing the cuts on my legs. It’s stupid of me to cut as low as my ankles, but I never think about a longer future and I’ve been doing it for so long I started running out of room.

I won’t ever get to wear shorts again without people seeing my cuts. Not that it matters, anyway. I’ll be gone soon.

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14/7

Ajax asked if I’m feeling better compared to when this started a couple weeks ago. It’s undeniable that my body’s still in pain and I still feel nauseous, but I don’t feel like I’ll vomit as much when I need to get up.

I don’t want to admit to him that I feel better because I ate. Even if it’s just by a little, I can’t see it as actually good. It's never worth the cost.

He’s more observant than he lets on. I used to think he was just some idiot, but he pays attention well and has good critical thinking skills– even if he does get caught up in his emotions every now and then.

He said he hopes I’ll be better enough to come over this Saturday since that’s his birthday. Even if I need to sit down the whole time, he at least wants me to be able to attend. He said that’s the only gift he wants.

I told him that I may be well enough by then (though I sincerely doubt it), and he smiled and said that’s all he needed to hear.

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15/7

Ajax showed me his music playlist. It’s all well-known classic rock that everyone’s already heard a thousand times. How boring.

I don’t particularly want to go to his birthday party, but I keep thinking about what happens if I don’t go– beyond just “not being there”. I didn’t realize until now how different the pressure of going to an event is when you’re no longer just friends. It’s become less of an option and more of an obligation, and I hate that.

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16/7

I tried standing up. Not moving, just standing. My legs feel weak, but I wasn’t as nauseous and could keep myself upright for a few seconds before I fell back onto my bed from exhaustion and pain.

I’m not exactly sure why I pushed myself to try. Curiosity? Ajax’s birthday? I don’t know. If I go to his party (I should, but I don’t know if I actually want to), I’ll likely need to just push through the pain. I won’t be fully better by then, but maybe I can at least walk over and sit down at his couch.

If I go, I don’t expect to spend a lot of time there, even though he said he “wants” me to come. I’m fine with leaving early, parties are hell and I can hardly handle any large social interaction without getting tired to some degree. Noise and crowds are already painfully irritating. But then comes that obligation; since we’re boyfriends, don’t I *need* to go?

I’ll see if I can push through it.

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17/7

I stood again. I was able to hold myself up more, but it didn’t take long for me to sit back down. Exhaustion is a bitch. Weak legs are a bitch. I won’t be able to walk without aid, much less go down the stairs and back up. If I feel up to being there, I’ll see if Ajax can help. He probably wouldn’t mind, but I’d die on the spot if anyone sees us.

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18/7

Ajax helped me stand, and I tried to not let him notice my pain. His joy was overbearing. People say that laughter and smiles are contagious, but I’ve never experienced that. 99% of the time I have no positive reaction at all.

Still… it’s nice knowing that even in this state I’m able to bring happiness to someone. Not that kind of sadistic, cruel happiness, but something actually good. Something that shows my presence is valued and I’m making someone else’s life better for a change.

It’s stupid of me to want more of that. I’ll never deserve it.

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19/7

As long as someone can help me move, I think I can go.

I know Ajax said he just wants me there and nothing more, but everyone will judge me for not bringing him something. I don’t want their stares and attention.

It’s been a while since I did any origami, but I made him a narwhal. He once mentioned loving them. It’s just white printer paper, but hopefully it’s enough.

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20/7

Ajax carried me over. Thankfully, no one else was there yet. I just sat at the couch and we talked together until people started coming over.

I gave him the narwhal and he thanked me more than he should’ve for something made out of printer paper. He also got me to eat three crackers. It’s weird eating something crunchy and dry after so much soup, and definitely anxiety-inducing.

I also kissed him since no one was around, which made him smile. Is a kiss really worthy of being called the best gift?

A lot of people came over. Most were family friends who seemed to be there more for his parents than him. But his friends from Old Snezhnaya were there, so they joined us at the couch. I didn’t engage much, they seemed too into catching up and it’s awkward being that one person out of the loop.

They asked me the standard questions you’d ask your best friend’s new partner. Who I am, how we met, so on and so forth. I hated how they asked if I really am a boy. I look androgynous, but that means people constantly assume and question. I wish they didn’t have to ask, especially with how Ajax had clearly introduced me as his boyfriend.

I expected them to ask about my weight. When I lied that I’m just naturally like this, one of them said they were jealous. None of them caught the glance Ajax and I shared. He quickly changed the topic after that, something or other about school.

I stayed on the couch until cake was served, Ajax and his (rather bothersome) friends being with me for most of it. During that, multiple people came to talk to me and asked who I was (I said I’m a friend). We tried making my walk to the table as inconspicuous as possible. It worked well enough and I sat next to Ajax. I didn’t eat any cake, the sweet scent alone was way too disgusting.

Ajax got multiple presents but told me his favorites were the ones from me (me coming over, the narwhal and the kiss). I questioned if he was only saying that, but he said he genuinely meant it. He also said he really wished he could kiss me when everyone was having cake, so when we made it to my room I let him kiss me to make up for it.

I’m not spending the night because his friends are staying for a few days, but even if I could I wouldn’t have the energy. That doesn’t stop me from pretending my pillow is him.

It was a good idea that I went. Even with how annoying everyone else was, it was worth it because I got to see Ajax happy that I was there. Whenever I make him smile, there’s a part of me that warms up. Some days may be less warm, but with this being a special day for him and all, today was the warmest.

Even with how empty I feel, I’m grateful Ajax is here. This feeling of care and value is something I never want to lose.

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21/7

Unsurprisingly, I’m extremely tired. Ajax texted me to eat some of the snacks he brought to my room because he won’t be here today and I should start eating some more solid food. It was extremely stressful when he made me record myself eating crackers. I only ate three, it’s still weird eating dry solids and I don’t want to ingest too many calories. I couldn’t actually see how many calories it was because he didn’t bring the box, just the inner package. I’m praying it’s still a small amount.

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22/7

A repeat of yesterday. It’s actually relieving to be by myself, even if I have to record myself eating. It’s quiet and I don’t have to engage in conversation. I can just lay in silence with Bella.

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23/7

Bella knocked some of the things off my shelves by accident. It wasn’t until after I checked if she got hurt and fixed the things that I realized that my body was in much less pain than usual. Not thinking about it for once dumbed it down.

I ended up crying on the floor for an hour after that. I could’ve been able to actually walk around if I didn’t keep thinking about all of this. I could be at a library right now, but instead I’m making myself worse without even trying.

How much of that pain was real? Was it my mind’s fault for the sudden drop after eating so much a month ago? Did I self-sabotage myself and was actually fine this entire time?

Would I have been able to care for myself?

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24/7

I’m haunted by yesterday, but I still tried walking around my room for a few seconds. I kept my mind focused on cats. They’re cute. They’re sweet. They’re soft. Small paws and long whiskers.

It worked– mostly.

I was tired by the end, but when I sat back down, I realized that focusing my mind on cats made me feel a little better. Just a little.

Anorexia is constant suffering until you finally hit your UGW, and even then maintaining is hard and you still want to go further. Is it possible to feel better if I try not to think about it? Would I be able to walk down the stairs?

Is losing weight even worth it if feeling better in another way is possible? It's always been due to self-loathing and a desire for love. But cats make me feel better. It temporarily distracts me– not in the way of distracting me from eating, but a moment where I’m not constantly thinking about the numbers “70” and “12.8”.

Just… cats.

I don’t know. It was sort of like this when I first semi-recovered, but not to this degree. Bella following me helped with that.

My mind is a scrambled mess and I broke down again, but if I try to think more about cats, maybe I can go to the library. Maybe I can have another sleepover. And maybe I won’t constantly be watched.

Maybe I’ll truly be okay for the first time in my life.

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25/7

I tried to walk around while focusing on other things again.

Espurr, Delcatty, Liepard, Glameow.

My legs still hurt from being immobile for so long and I can’t walk any more than seven steps at a time, but it’s gotten slightly better.

Is this considered recovering? I don’t know if I want to stop, but at least I can function better. This could somewhat count as maintaining, I suppose.

Ajax’s friends will be leaving tomorrow morning, so he’ll be coming over again. I’m wondering how he’ll feel about this. Probably excited, which I can’t help but expect I’ll be overwhelmed by.

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26/7

When I ate all of the vegetable and tofu soup, I wasn’t expecting so many hugs or kisses or “I’m so proud of you”s. It *was* overwhelming and I had to warn Ajax that if he squeezed me any tighter something would come up.

But still… seeing him so excited for me and my health makes me want to just… try a bit harder. When he says he’s proud of me, it makes me hate myself a little less. It makes me not want to hurt as much. It makes me feel like I belong in this world. But I loathe myself for being so weak and pathetic that he had to take care of me for a month.

I broke down again. I couldn’t stop crying and I hated it. It was hard to say why when it’s impossible to speak, but I think he knew. He just held me and told me it’s okay and he’s proud of me.

This was bittersweet, like last time.

He held me as close as he could when I calmed down enough to breathe. And then he said, “I love you so much.”

It was the first time someone wasn’t forced to tell me that. I hope hugging him back was enough to convey that I feel the same.

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27/7

He said he loves me. For the first time in my life, I’m actually loved.

It’s not some kind of switch from anorexic to recovery, obviously, but it's comforting and relieving to know I don’t have to rely on getting sick for someone to notice and love me anymore. It makes my chest burn.

I tried walking more and eating four crackers instead of three. It’s still torture, but I’m pushing through it. My head hurts a little bit less.

Ajax first helped me walk around my room and down the hall, then I did it on my own to the best of my ability. He caught me before I could fall. He also told me this was like that one scene in Howl’s Moving Castle, which, frankly, was *very* embarrassing.

Despite that and the different context, it did feel a little like that scene.

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28/7

This morning I had a slice of plain whole grain toast and a quarter of an underripe lemon. Ajax couldn’t understand how someone could just eat a lemon like that. They’re good, they lack sweetness. Underripe ones are the best because they have a bitterness to them.

I’m staying more upright as opposed to laying down. It makes my head hurt, but it’s supposedly worth it.

Again, I walked around a bit. I also stretched my body so my legs wouldn’t be as prone to buckling, but that happened anyway.

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29/7

My body feels a little better. My intake has risen– not by much, but it’s still more than before. I estimate that I eat about 300 calories, which, now that I’m writing it, makes me feel nauseous.

But distractions are helping. Keeping my mind on other things makes it a little harder to constantly think about my ED. I always think about it at night, though, when nothing can distract me and I can’t sleep. I’m still scared of how much I’ve gained. I haven’t weighed myself since before getting sick, and I fear seeing the number will cause me to fall back into being bedridden and completely useless. The next time I spend the night I’ll use the downstairs bathroom.

I can also walk more, enough to move down the hall so long as I have something to lean on. It’s difficult and my legs hurt, but I keep telling myself it’s worth it, even when it’s hard to believe.

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30/7

It’s a little strange that I managed to go down the stairs on my 300th entry. Not back up, but it’s still progress. Sort of.

It was unintentional, actually. When I wasn’t looking Bella decided she wanted to explore downstairs, but she wasn’t as cautious as she should’ve been. She ended up tumbling down, so I obviously went to help her. Thankfully, she wasn’t hurt, but *gods*, was that stressful…

Despite the intense pain, when I realized I reached the bottom – still with struggle and tripping and losing breath and nearly falling three times and then *actually* falling at the end – all I could think was, “Huh.” Somehow, within my panic, I did it. But I don’t want to have to rely on panic – especially with Bella – to be able to move more.

Ajax hadn’t come over yet, so in the meantime I sat on the couch with Bella and watched TV (I didn’t have the energy to go back up anyway). It was safe to say that when he did arrive he was beyond excited.

We watched this Liyuen dramedy called Soy Sauce & White Rice. It’s about three friends living together. One of them had a crush on the second, while the second had a crush on the third’s sister. This all came to a head at a group dinner, when the second guy confessed his love to her, only for the first guy to make a sly comment. They broke out into a fight, only for it to end with the sister slapping them both and saying she’s not interested. The third was recording it and posted it online, skyrocketing them into popularity as everyone thought it was merely a skit.

The Common dub was pretty bad, but I was forced to watch it and its truly awful lip sync. I also just never particularly cared for comedies. Overall, it was a 2/10. He rated it a 7/10.

I had a similar breakfast to a couple days ago, but with a green apple and peanut butter instead of a lemon. I didn’t eat the peanut butter. Lunch was that soup and dinner was grilled trout. He overcooked it by accident, so I only ate a little. I hate the texture of burnt food.

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31/7

School is starting about a month from now, so I’m wondering how difficult it’ll be to walk along our road. Sure, I’m getting better, but I doubt I’ll be well enough by orientation to walk down and back up nearly every day.

There’s a chance I can get Miko to drive me.

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1/8

We finally got Bella spayed and vaccinated today. I feel bad for making her fast last night. The vets put her under anesthesia while vaccinating because her body can’t stay still, then they spayed her. She’s staying there until the day after tomorrow, and then we can take her home.

I feel anxious about not having her around. I keep worrying about any complications. It’s like I’m her dad or something. I guess that’s not too far off.

At the very least I got out of the house and walked in and out of the veterinary office (though I was exhausted after). Bella won’t let anyone else hold her when she’s not at home. Mom said she’s happy I’m “feeling better”, but her not doing anything more than what I tell her to do (like bringing me water) has me doubtful. It sounds more like an obligation to say, just like when she says she loves me.

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2/8

I’m so paranoid right now. Were there complications? Is she not well enough yet? Did she get sick? *Is* she sick?

Tea is sort of helping, but I’m still worried. It’s been a while since I had a cat to worry over, so it’s like I’m getting hit with ten trucks full of emotions.

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3/8

I’m so relieved everything went fine and there were no complications. Bella has to wear a cone so she won’t lick the stitches and we need to refrain her from activity. I’ll need to feed her myself, too. She needs to be like this for two weeks, but at the moment she’s very tired and seems to be just as glad to see me as I am to see her. She hasn’t let go of me since we picked her up, and it’s almost 11p.m.

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4/8

Bella’s been so tired she let Ajax pet her. She even purred.

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5/8

There’s a possibility we can go to the library at the end of the week. I’m not completely sure yet and I’ll still need a form of transportation along our road.

I don’t look too different, but my energy is slightly higher. And I can walk a little more.

Will I be able to go to school?

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6/8

Fish texted me about that slumber party. I’m not well enough, but I’m still considering it. Her and Mona can be entertaining and she told me I’d get along with Layla since she’s calm and has insomnia. What a strange trait to include, especially when my insomnia isn’t nearly as awful as others.

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7/8

I looked around for a new show to watch and saw Breaking Bad is on Metflix. It’s surprisingly funny, although that can just be attributed to my dark humor. I’m only a few episodes in, but it’s good so far. Jesse reminds me of Ajax with how annoying he can be sometimes. Thinking about Ajax dressed as Jesse makes me laugh a little.

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8/8

I think I’m well enough to go to the library tomorrow so long as I can take breaks from walking. I hope so.

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9/8

Miko drove us to the train station since she had a meeting and wouldn’t have time to drive us all the way there. It was quiet as always, with even less people since we left at 10.

I had to take multiple breaks on our way, so we stopped at a bakery. We shared an almond croissant. It felt nice to have a proper date after so long. It reminds me of when we’d go to Uyuu together after school. Our conversation was so casual, just about whatever random things came to mind and not my health. It made me think slightly less about what I was eating.

Ajax told me he wants to take me somewhere on the last day of summer. It’s still about three weeks away, but he warned me we’ll need to wake up early to have plenty of time. I’m skeptical, but curious.

It really did feel nice to go to the library again. The smell of paper is always a comfort, and nothing can change that. We laid against each other in the lounge area and I read a Sumeru historical fiction novel while he shiny hunted with the Poké Radar (2 hours of no luck even with a full chain). No one bothered us, so it felt like we were just in our own world. I didn’t realize how much I truly missed our dates until then.

I spent so much time reading that Ajax eventually fell asleep against my shoulder after getting demotivated and bored. To be fair, we did spend hours there. In fact, it was past dinnertime by the time we finally left.

Afterwards, we went to Uyuu. It felt different as a dinner, but not in a bad way.

I missed unagi chazuke. A lot.

Everything was just… really nice. These are the days that I think of fondly. Just days that distract me from my problems. Days that tell me life can still have a few good moments in it.

Reading at a library, going to Uyuu, the quiet train ride home. It leaves me tired, but I don’t mind it because it felt like my energy was put into something good.

Before we parted ways when we got back home, I kissed him and thanked him to the best of my ability. I wanted to elaborate, to tell him that it was for more than just today, but saying those two words alone is already too difficult.

He seems content with me paying back with just hugs and kisses, but I need to do more than that. I’m just not sure how.

Still… I enjoyed today.

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10/8

My dream wasn’t as bad as others. It was like I was walking back in time and seeing moments from when life was still somewhat okay. Things like my best friend in 2nd grade. It’s been a while since I thought about Niwa, he ended up moving away soon after. But I remember swimming in the ocean and just having fun with him and his friends. The sun was bright and warm, but the water was *freezing*. And I can't help but laugh at the memory of everyone being shocked that a 7 year-old liked extremely bitter tea and was disgusted by soda and s’mores.

I’ll never have the confidence to wear shorts again, so it’s both comforting and sad to see me wearing them. Even if I do ever get the confidence, it’s too cold nowadays.

If and when I move out, I want to live somewhere warmer. Rain is fine at the beginning, but it gets bothersome– not to mention the year-round temperature. Maybe I’d move to somewhere in Old Sumeru. I don’t know.

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11/8

Bella keeps trying to wriggle out of the cone, but I know it’s for the best so I’m not taking it off of her.

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12/8

I’ve been repeating what I’ve been doing recently: practicing walking, eating a little bit more, reminding myself that I don’t need to make myself suffer for someone to love me anymore. It’s hard. Really hard.

I still think about dying every day. I hate this world  and there are only a few things that bring me happiness and relief, but they’re stronger and I suppose could partly make up for how much is missing.

I’ll never truly be happy. There are spikes here and there, limited periods of time, but I’ll never be able to live life to the fullest. People preach about how life is great, but that’s a lie and can never apply to me. It’s simply not a possibility.

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13/8

Nothing notable other than me being exhausted from pushing myself more than before. It’s not even much by normal standards, but it’s still difficult.

I have to raise my intake to adjust, but right now I just want to sleep.

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14/8

I weighed myself for the first time in nearly two months. I was avoiding it because I knew it’d stress me out, but I had to see it.

I’m 76.6lbs, BMI 13.9. I have gained 2.5lbs since my last proper weigh-in, and I don’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, I know I don’t need to lose anymore and I’m getting healthier (even by just a little), but on the other, I still feel that anxiety whenever the number goes up. No matter how hard I try, it won’t leave me.

I can’t sleep– both from how much I slept yesterday and my anxiety.

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15/8

Trying every day to be better makes me so tired… I know upping my intake will help, but I’m scared to go over 300 calories after seeing my weight yesterday. No matter how small the food is, if it goes over I’m not eating it.

I'm such a fuckup.

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16/8

I tried to eat a little more, but it’s so, *so* difficult. Ajax put on a show for us to watch because people “eat more when they’re distracted”. It’s the opposite for me, so it didn’t help.

Instead, he told me that he’ll take bites with me, which is… weird. I don’t get it. But I don’t want him to *not* eat– restricting is miserable even when you’re used to it.

I followed along the best I could. It was *so* hard to eat five crackers, four slices of an apple and one slice of cheese… But I did it. He kissed me and said he was proud of me.

I did feel a little sick after, though.

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17/8

I practiced walking down and up the stairs. I almost fell, so thank gods for the railing.

If I ever get well enough, I’ll carry Bella down. She’s currently locked in my room so she doesn’t follow me and get hurt.

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18/8

Bella no longer has to wear a cone. As soon as I took it off she started rolling around on my bed and playing with my hand.

I’ve had her for nearly three months now, and she’s improved a lot. She’s like any other five month-old cat, except smaller. Maybe being smaller is a byproduct of cerebellar hypoplasia, or being a malnourished stray, or it’s just her breed. I don’t know what breed she is, just that she’s black.

I’m so glad she’s happy *and* healthy now. I just wish I could feel the same without anxiety and stress constantly looming over me.

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19/8

Now that Bella can freely move around, she wanted to go downstairs. I didn’t want to risk anything, so I held her and just scooted down instead of walking.

She had fun exploring the living room and kitchen. I used some books to make a pseudo-staircase for her to get on the couch, but instead she tried to jump up and instantly fell. She didn’t get hurt, but I still held her like she did.

I continued watching Breaking Bad, but near the end of Season 1 I fell asleep, so I’ll need to rewind.

It was exhausting climbing back up, but it was worth it to see Bella happy.

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20/8

Ajax just texted me and asked if I wanted to spend the night with him. I said yes. It’s been too long since we had a sleepover. I missed them.

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21/8

Ajax didn’t hide that something was up. He didn’t talk about it until I made him some hot cocoa.

He said that during dinner a relative texted everyone to say they’re coming out as pan, and his parents instantly decided to cut contact with them. It sent him into a sudden rage and he accidentally snapped at them, causing a fight with his father while his mother and siblings just stood to the side. He had to lie and say he only liked girls and instead just tell them how stupid they are to stop loving someone over something so trivial.

He’s scared that’s going to happen to him and they’ll kick him out if they ever find out he’s bi or dating me. I told him that he can live with us, but he said he can’t leave his siblings and right now just needs a little space away from his parents.

He’ll have to apologize to them and say that he was wrong since that’s the only way to stay in the family. I can’t understand why he won’t just leave them if it stresses him so much. If it’s that bad, why can’t he just walk out? Then again, the closest thing to a sibling is Qiqi and I hardly see her, so I can never understand how his love for his siblings impedes.

He’s heading back tomorrow, he doesn’t want to be gone for too long or else they’ll really start suspecting. He’s going to frame it as some kind of reflection and realizing that they, as his parents, are right.

I can tell he didn’t sleep much last night, but he’s stayed next to me all day. He held me and kissed me a lot. I didn’t stop him.

I decided to cook for us. I ate more to make him feel better. It seemed to help.

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22/8

It’s hard trying to help someone. I have to wing it and hope for the best, but I think it’s working. Ajax is the type of person who needs physical affection to feel better, so I let him lay his head on my lap while we watched Daily Lives of High School Boys (we had previously discussed Death Note but now's not the time). It seems petting his hair, gently rubbing his face and simply holding him brings him the most comfort.

He didn’t talk about the situation beyond what he already told me. I didn’t push him to talk about it more, forcing someone to tell has never worked. But it was clear that he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He’d occasionally show anger, like he was seconds away from exploding, but holding him helped him calm down.

He went back home in the afternoon but apologized for the trouble since I already have my own problems to deal with. I reassured him it was fine, and he thanked me. This was the first time we both said, “I love you.”

He later texted me that it went fine and his parents were glad that he was “normal” and not like his relative. He hates it but apparently it was “the right thing to do”. I don’t understand it and I can’t agree. I told him he can come over whenever he needs to. Even though it’s still hard to help and be there for him, it's getting easier and I’m more comfortable with it now.

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23/8

It was more difficult than I thought it’d be to text Ajax and ask if he was okay. I’m not used to it, but I’m trying. He said he’s fine and he’s only talking with his parents if he has to. He also said Tonia had her suspicions but loves and accepts him and will keep it a secret. He asked how I’m doing and if I’m feeling better, which I am. I can walk up the stairs a bit easier now as long as I hold onto the railing.

I asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner, but his mom is making his favorite soup, so he declined. Texting “I love you” was too difficult, so I said, “I’ll talk to you later,” and that was that.

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24/8

Ajax checked in on if I’ll still be available for that special thing he wants to do on the last day of summer. I told him that as long as it’s not strenuous, I’ll be fine. He said that’s great, but reminded me that I’ll have to be up at sunrise since it’ll take a while to get to where he wants to take me. Waking up that early is *not* something I’m looking forward to, that’s for certain.

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25/8

Mom bought unagi slices today, so I made my own unagi chazuke. When I opened the package Bella ran over (I carried her down) and started meowing for it. I cut a slice into smaller bits for her to try and she instantly ate all of it. It seems unagi is her favorite food.

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26/8

Today’s been slow, but calm. I spent most of it reading with Bella while listening to the Snowpoint City theme. It makes me wonder: was it inspired by Old Snezhnaya? The only other place with snow is uninhabitable, so it'd make sense. I've never lived or been in any other former nation except for Old Inazuma, and even if being cold is torture I'd 100% go to Old Snezhnaya instead of those wretched islands.

Alongside unagi chazuke, I got myself to eat five crackers, two of which with small slices of cheese. It’s hard, but at least it wasn’t as bland.

Whenever I’m in the kitchen Bella meows nonstop. She’s begging for unagi now, so we’ll need to stock up.

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27/8

Ajax is going to come over tonight for dinner and a sleepover. He promised he won’t stay as long this time, but I told him it’s fine if he needs to.

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28/8

After dinner (chicken and vegetables, smaller portions than a normal person but a little bigger than my usual) Ajax and I hung out in my room. He briefly mentioned his stress with his parents, then asked if I ever wished I was “normal”.

When it’s just the two of us alone, I can be more vulnerable. He already knows most of what I have going on, so I said that I do all the time. When he asked if I wanted to elaborate, I told him about how I used to always wear shorts, but can’t with how my legs are. Having so many cuts and scars makes it impossible.

Ajax said that the thing he wants us to do on the last day of summer is something private, so I could wear shorts if I wanted to. It would be nice to feel normal for once.

But I’m hesitant, so I first made him swear that if I do he will 1. promise we’ll be completely alone, and 2. not say anything about my legs. He agreed and made me do one of those childish pinkie promises, which was painfully awkward, but also noted to pack them if I do since we’ll be taking the train.

I know why he asked me about this, so I reassured him that he is normal for also liking guys. He’s accepted himself, but still stresses about it when those he loves speak about how disgusting the idea of being related to people like us is. He held me close and thanked me nonetheless. It’s weird to admit, but I don’t completely mind how long our kiss was after that. It wasn’t heated or anything, but it was longer than usual.

Again, it’s easier to be vulnerable when we’re alone, so I slept facing him and held him back. It was warmer, which is nice when you’re constantly freezing.

Telling Ajax that I love him will never not be hard, but I got myself to say it first before he left today. He’s always said it first, so this hadn’t happened before, but I did it. It was hard, but I did it.

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29/8

I thought a bit more about wearing shorts, but I’m still not sure. Shorts were practically forbidden for years, but now I’m given a moment where I can wear them and not be judged for not only my scars, but also fresh cuts.

Is it actually fine? Is it actually safe?

I’ll think about it more tomorrow.

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30/8

I decided that it’s okay to wear shorts. I trust Ajax, he’s not someone who judges people like me or sees me as pathetic like everyone else. He sees me as someone he loves and cherishes, no matter how hard it is to believe.

Ajax texted me saying that I should go to bed early since we’ll be leaving at 6:30. He said that if I get too tired walking down the mountain he’ll carry me, and then carry me back up when we get back. He also said to pack a couple snacks and something to do since it’s apparently a long train ride.

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31/8

I was tired when I woke up, but showering and tea helped. I packed a few crackers as a snack.

When we were walking down the mountain, I got too tired at about the quarter way point, so Ajax carried me the rest of the way. Thankfully, it didn’t seem like anyone else was awake and thus didn’t see us.

The train ride was long – over two hours – so I brought my 3DS and Alpha Sapphire. I hadn’t made any progress since that first day, and by the time we arrived I had just beaten Wattson. Funnily, we almost missed our stop. Ajax went to this place when his friends were staying for a few days, but it took a moment to recognize where we were. Regardless, we made it.

It was a stop in nature near a long path into the woods, so Ajax carried me there. It turns out that he was taking me to a place we had previously talked about: the lake.

We were completely alone, so I changed into shorts. Ajax didn’t say anything or stare, which was relieving. We sat together on the small pier with our legs in the water, just enjoying how calm it was. The only sounds were the birds and the waterfall.

After a while, Ajax asked me if I ever made birthday wishes. I said no, because wishes are just blissful lies that only lead to disappointment. He laughed, but disagreed. He said that wishes help give him hope for a better day. I find hope to be a lie, too.

He told me his birthday wish was that he’d be able to kiss me without fear of his parents seeing, for them to accept him and us. He knows it’s far fetched and unlikely, but it’d be relieving to not have to hide.

In response, I said he could kiss me whenever we’re alone, so he did. It was another long one, but not too long. Just long enough to show I really do love him and care about him. Long enough that he knows he’s safe.

He thanked me for being here with him and that he loves me more than anyone else. I don’t want to tell him about any of my attempts, especially not my last one. I hate life, but I don’t want someone I love to suffer because of my own suffering. It’s conflicting and hard and stressful to think about. But in the end, I think I’d feel less regret killing myself than not killing myself. Life is just… too painful.

A little while after that, Ajax had the sudden urge to jump into the lake. I don’t swim for a multitude of reasons, so I stayed out, and I *hated* the splash he made. It made my sweater horribly wet and gross. He apologized, but it sounded more playful than actual sympathy.

I watched him swim around as we talked about random subjects. He probably spent two hours swimming around and even caught a fish. I don’t see how he wasn’t bored after five minutes. And he ended up shaking the water off like a dog when he got out, which just made my clothes even worse.

We then ate our snacks while talking about what we think will happen during senior year and beyond. I don’t like thinking so far ahead, but if I end up graduating I’ll be going to a university away from my parents. Probably one in Old Sumeru (not the Akademiya). Ajax’s grades have always sucked, so he’ll either be going to community college or straight into the workforce. He mentioned how his dad wants him to join the military, which he wouldn’t mind, but they’ve been entirely dormant since the Merging.

We left at around 3, but didn’t stop until we reached the city. He took me out to Uyuu and we had dinner. I tried some of his food, but I only ordered unagi chazuke. I love Uyuu, and Ajax does, too. A waiter even recognized us despite how we don’t go nearly as often as we did before.

It was getting dark by the time we went home and Ajax carried me up. I’m too tired for a sleepover, so we kissed and bid our farewells. It’s embarrassing, but I can’t stop hugging my pillow. Having not known where we were going lowered my expectations, but today has to be my favorite date, if not the best day of my life. The main reason was the lack of judgment, it was relieving to wear something I love without fear.

I really do love Ajax.

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1/9

Today’s the last day of summer break. I spent the day resting since yesterday was… a lot. I’m exhausted, but there’s a small part of me that wants to relive yesterday– or at least watch it. It was just so… nice.

Well, thinking about it, it was more than that. I guess a better way to put it is “a day where I can let my worries go”.

I want to experience it again. I want to feel that comfort, that inner warmth, despite how strange it always is. But I don’t know how to ask without it coming out as clunky or awkward or even aggressive to some degree. I know that Ajax is able to understand what I mean, but still… It's hard.

Everything is hard. Even the things I like are hard to do or convey. But at the same time, here I am, thinking about yesterday, remembering how relieving it was.

If I were to die, would I remember that?

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2/9

I never thought I’d live long enough to become a senior, but here I am.

It’s strange, and I feel this mix of contrasting emotions over it. I’m not proud of myself, but I’m surprised. But then there’s this profound regret and disappointment that I still haven’t managed to kill myself. I’m just prolonging my suffering. Even with Ajax or Bella, I still want to die. They’ll miss me– Ajax would blame himself and maybe even cry, Bella would meow for me in my room, but why is it so hard to care about that?

Yes, I’d feel guilt over it – if there is an afterlife – but my mind pulls me away. It eats me, it ruins me, it makes me worth nothing, because I am worth nothing.

I’m already useless no matter how many times people try to deny. I was never even supposed to be here in the first place. So why have I still not succeeded?

Senior year. Despite it all, I somehow made it to senior year.

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3/9

I thought about the same things today, so much so that I mixed up my classes. It was so, *so* embarrassing going into the wrong classroom…

Miko drove me to the train station yesterday and today. I didn’t have too much of a problem walking around at first, but I had to leave Phys Ed early and go to the nurse's office due to collapsing and nearly passing out. The nurse said that if this continues I can possibly be excused from it due to it being a danger to my health. It’s embarrassing to have everyone see me being so weak, but I’ve always hated Phys Ed. She also said that, if so, I can pick another class and use those credits in its place.

I ended up missing the rest of the school day because of the exhaustion. Since I skipped my lunch, Ajax brought me to Uyuu. He was so worried he made sure I ate more than just unagi chazuke and gave me more of his food than usual. I’ll never not hate myself for being so useless, but I suppose this is all some form of karma– if karma is even real.

He carried me up our road (and everywhere after school) and hung out until past dinnertime, where he helped me eat. I feel sick from eating even more, but if I want to function and get better it’s a horrible necessity.

Senior year really started out like this, huh? Me being so weak I can’t even properly do my classes despite being able to last year. How laughable.

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4/9

Today was (physically) easier than yesterday, and since I have Study Hall again I read through the syllabi for AP Art and Government. I also went through the electives in case I do stop taking Phys Ed. I’m in Film, I have no interest in Creative Writing, I already did Photography in sophomore year and Psychology in freshman, and there’s no way in hell I’m doing Theatre, which only left Philosophy.

Giving Phys Ed another day isn’t worth it in the slightest, but I probably have to go through it until at least the end of next week, which is four more times.

My knees hurt.

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5/9

At the very least I’m not fainting when I fall. Being in a hospital for any reason sounds like the pinnacle of hell.

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6/9

Liyuen 2 won’t be too hard. I’ve forgotten most of the pronunciations, but being fluent in Inazuman means the characters are – for the most part – easier to memorize.

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7/9

Ajax and I are going to have a movie night tonight. He wants to show me The Lord of the Rings so we’ll be watching all three movies. They're supposedly long but worth it.

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8/9

The movies were fine at best and *so* much longer than I thought they’d be. Boring and slow at many parts, interesting at a few others. And it was *extremely* gross when Ajax kissed me after drinking Coke, which made him taste too sugary and sweet. I made him pause The Two Towers so I could wash my mouth out. I still can't believe he found it funny.

We fell asleep on the couch with Bella between us at around 4, only to be woken up by Miko in the kitchen two hours later. She was ABSOLUTELY being extra loud on purpose, things like setting her mug down harder and being less careful taking a pan out. We really should’ve just gone upstairs…

Bella seems to not hate Ajax as much now; while she still doesn’t like being petted by him and will whack him with her paw, she’ll let him be closer to her and won’t hiss or scratch.

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9/9

I continued Alpha Sapphire during Study Hall. Picking up a Shroomish early helped with Norman.

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10/9

Yet again, I couldn’t do Phys Ed at all. The nurse brought it up to the principal and they decided to let me switch classes. This seemed to be some kind of special case. I’m both relieved that I don’t have to do it anymore and hate that people are pitying me. Mom didn’t know about this until the school called her about it, but she immediately agreed that this was the right choice, which no longer surprises me.

Since today’s fall resulted in hitting my head on cement, Ajax was more worried when he picked me up at the end of school, but was also relieved that I don’t have to do something dangerous anymore. But he promised he’ll help me get back to being able to move more freely. As an example, he helped me walk to Uyuu and kept me from falling.

Uyuu was a repeat of last time: I order unagi chazuke, he gives me some of his food, and when I finish he kisses me and tells me I did a great job because he knows it makes me feel a little better. We’ve been using the private tables so no one else sees us.

It’s still tiring, but I suppose at the very least I’ve been eating more lunch– even at the cost of a smaller dinner.

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11/9

Knowing I no longer have to do Phys Ed made me less anxious about it today. The other classes went by slower than usual, definitely due to my headache.

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12/9

Since I’m out of Phys Ed, I joined the Philosophy class. After a discussion of optimism vs. pessimism, some kid convinced the teacher to play Inside Out. Do I seriously have Film back-to-back now? I’ve never watched it, but I doubt it could relate to anything philosophical. At least it won’t be much work.

Instead of Uyuu we went to a sandwich shop. Too many had a sickening amount of food in them, and all the trays just sitting out was absolutely disgusting. The door was open, for gods’ sakes. How many bugs have flown in?

I still had to get one, though. Mine was lettuce, cucumber, bell peppers, some unknown fish, and pesto. I had to deconstruct it and separate everything. It was so much stacked all at once that it made me sick. The lettuce felt like it was drowning in water, the cucumbers were as dry as a rock, the bell peppers didn’t even taste like bell peppers, the unknown fish was overcooked yet cold, and the pesto was absurdly oily. The only thing salvageable was the bread, it was the only thing that tasted and felt bearable.

Because I could hardly eat my sandwich, Ajax offered me some of his. He cut his sandwich into smaller slices so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. It was meatballs (which he also cut) with marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese. It tasted fine, so I got myself to eat a quarter of it. It was much easier to swallow than if I were to simply bite into it, but the richness still left me nauseous for hours.

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13/9

Philosophy was… unexpected.

I fucking hated Joy. I hate anyone who’s like that. They disregard everyone and give pointless advice. Saying everything is fine and you can get better by just looking on the bright side shows you have no understanding. Anytime someone acts that way I want to punch them in the face. Optimism is the most delusional mindset known to mankind.

But Sadness being so useless and unwanted… I hated how familiar it was. Knowing that I was a mistake, knowing that I wasn’t supposed to exist, knowing that there was never and will never be a place in this world for me. I didn’t show my emotions at school but when I got home I cried my eyes out and punched my pillow until I ran out of energy– which took a pathetically short amount of time.

I hate her. She should’ve just killed me when she had the chance, but she didn’t, so I need to take it into my own hands.

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14/9

I can’t stop thinking about yesterday. It fills me with resentment, rage, sorrow, guilt. I hate it with all my heart.

I always forget how itchy cutting my inner thighs is, but that’s the most empty space. Doesn’t change how annoying it is.

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15/9

I thought a little less about it today– mostly only when my thighs itched.

I forgot to tell Ajax about today’s holiday, so I had to explain it by showing him the Mikipedia page. He had never heard of The Inazuma Day of Silence before, which isn’t surprising since he likely only grew up with Snezhnayan holidays.

He also thinks the fact that the last shogun and I sharing a surname is proof I’m royalty. Everyone else agrees for such irrational reasons. “Raiden’s an unusual surname,” and, “You both have dark hair,” to name a few. Plenty of people share surnames and all Inazumans have dark hair! It’s all so annoying and it will *never* stop…

The shogun’s death has no meaning at this point. It’s been decades since the Merging, we only learn about it from family unless you’re in Old Inazuma, so why even bother? At the very least it’s the one day of the year all Inazumans collectively shut up– including Miko. I just wish the rest of the population would do the same.

Despite that, as per tradition I didn’t speak. I don’t mourn anyone but I still have to do it.

Ajax told me about how weird it was to not hear me speak, even throwing in a compliment about my voice. I whacked his arm at that. He ended up talking enough for the both of us. A lot of his rambles became white noise and I eventually zoned out into a nap. He let me sleep until shortly before 3p.m. since I had to be home by then to do my chores.

I’m still not supposed to exist, but knowing there’s a person that genuinely loves me gives me a little peace of mind. Just a little.

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16/9

Moving around made my legs itch so bad that I had to hide in the school bathroom and scratch the scabs off. I didn’t get all of it off, so the itch just got worse. I should just let them heal since scratching only prolongs it.

Ugh…

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17/9

Our first big assignment in AP Art is to draw the same thing in five different styles: abstract, monochromatic, realism, multimedia, and in our own style. It’ll be over the course of three months. Since as of late whenever I draw it’s only been Bella, I decided to draw her. Abstract will be the easiest, mono and realism will be fine, but I never cared for multimedia. I don’t need to worry about that until later, though. I’m going to start drafting the first piece tomorrow.

We also have an overarching project of a realistic self-portrait that’ll be worth half our grade. If Albedo went to my school I’m sure he’d finish his within a week.

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18/9

Econ is *easily* the most boring class. Judging by the rest of the room, everyone felt the same. Ajax fell asleep on his desk, which meant I had to tutor him on what we learned during Study Hall. We both ended up getting lost.

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19/9

I’ve been staying out of the Philosophy discussions as much as I can without getting docked points. Last Tuesday’s discussion ended up continuing to today because the conversation took too long. I debated briefly about my hatred for Joy, some people are just too optimistic to stand listening to.

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20/9

Liyuen 2 has been fine so far since the first few weeks are dedicated to reviewing last year’s work. Xiansheng knew that no one would’ve retained everything across summer.

I remembered the characters that resemble Inazuman and their meanings, but I had completely forgotten the pinyin. I also kept reading the identical characters in Inazuman, as well. Switching between the different pronunciations for the same words is a pain.

I spent the whole afternoon and evening going through both my old notes and new notes, and I eventually got it to stick. I had completely forgotten to eat until I finished and felt hunger hit me like a truck. I made myself a bowl of rice with sliced carrots, green onions and edamame. Anything more would make me sick, even though I’m still somewhat hungry.

The hunger will go away by the time I wake up. It always does.

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21/9

When I checked my calendar for the date, I saw that about two weeks from now I’ll have reached a year of writing every day. It’s surreal to think about, and I’m not sure what to do after.

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22/9

Even though being a senior means more work, Ajax and I talked about another date. We tossed out seeing a movie, going to a fancy Fontainian restaurant, the new café that had opened up, the amusement park, an upcoming concert at the beach, and so on.

He somehow managed to convince me to go to that restaurant. He told me about how fun it is to try new things, and it’s okay if I only eat one bite as long as I just try it.

The majority of the food I eat is bland, has a subtle flavor or is a repeat, but they’re safe. The only foods I eat that don’t fit those are the meals prepared by others. They used to not make me feel sick, but even after one bite I feel like I’m about to vomit.

When I was younger I was more explorative and open, and I remember trying all these different foods other people had and *enjoying* them. They were so much better than the cheap stuff we used to have to get, but after dysphoria and dysmorphia took over it’s like I’m right back to being a little kid.

Even with all of this, there was still this pressure and obligation to agree. But maybe I can still find some kind of that same enjoyment, so long as I restrict myself and hold back from eating anything more than one bite. I don’t want to see a single change in my body, or else I might have a heart attack.

I’m protected and secure with how I am now, but that also means I’m just becoming more and more useless, more and more pointless.

Maybe I can free myself a little bit, as long as I’m able to return to my safety.

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23/9

A Days seem to be repeating. Econ is torture, the teacher has no sympathy, and all we’ll get if we say we missed something is, “You should’ve been paying attention.”

I managed to pay attention and take proper notes, albeit rushed, messy and only legible by me. But we managed to finish the current assignment and judging by our combined notes it’ll be at least a B.

I’m still thinking about last weekend. I’m scared, but there’s a very, very small part of my mind that is optimistic. It makes my head hurt.

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24/9

Miko’s been pissing me off all day. She keeps telling me about her ideas for her and Mom’s wedding, saying she’ll make sure I catch the bouquet and then going on to telling me exactly how my wedding should go. I’m never getting married, even if I do make it to adulthood.

But then it somehow goes FURTHER into children and her becoming a loving grandmother and I need to have exactly two daughters and one son before SHE dies! Gods, she’s so fucking selfish! She never cares about what I want! I wish I could just strangle her!

The only “good” thing about her is her money, but every time a word comes out of her mouth I question if that crummy apartment and 100 Mora instant noodles were better.

Never needing to hear her sly, mocking voice is another thing to look forward to once I die.

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25/9

Of course Ajax tries to find a silver lining because, "Surely she's not *that* awful." He’ll never get it, and I refuse to tell him about what life was like before Miko. That’s too much information and I don’t want a pity party.

Other than that, the only thing notable is Liyuen 2. We’re now getting into new material. I’m surprised we’re learning 白, 百, 出, 男, 女 and so on during our second year. Those were among the first kanji I ever learned. And, embarrassingly, I read them aloud in Inazuman by accident.

Alongside that, someone had asked Xiansheng why we’re not calling him Laoshi as that’s on this year’s vocabulary list. He ended up going into this long winded explanation that somehow took the entire rest of class (we were only 5 minutes in). The worst part was that it all could’ve just been simplified to “dialect”.

I’ve never been so glad that Liyuen 2’s my last class.

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26/9

I finished up the base sketch of the abstract project. I want to get it over with as soon as I can while still getting a good grade, so I’m using soft pastels.

Also, the wind's beginning to pick up again.

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27/9

Ajax checked in on dinner tomorrow night. I’m telling myself it’ll be fine as long as I hold back and choose my foods wisely. Most restaurants nowadays list their calories, and from there I can estimate how much per bite– or at least overestimate. 500 is my absolute maximum limit, but I’ll try my best not to reach that.

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28/9

Dinner was… conflicting.

The menu was extensive, but not a single dish included the calories. My mind shut down and I suddenly felt the urge to run, but I know I can’t go up the road by myself, and I doubted Ajax would let me leave without at least trying one thing.

Since I couldn’t choose anything, Ajax suggested he order different things and put a little of each on my plate. Narrowing everything down to just one bite helped calm down my panic attack a little since I wouldn’t have to stare at a massive pile of food. I could just have one small thing on my plate at a time.

He ordered four dishes: foie gras, tripes du port, trout amandine, and lasagna. He told me to choose three to try a bite of, and if I don’t want more he’ll either eat it or save it. Lasagna was instantly off the table, I refuse to ever budge on fear foods, but that meant I had to try the other three– all of which I hadn’t even heard of.

Tripes du port had too many flavors and foie gras tasting like a stick of butter made me spit it out into my napkin. But I didn’t mind the trout amandine as much as I thought I would. I scraped off the almonds, but fish is a safe food so long as it’s not in large quantities.

It was painfully hard to say that I wanted more. It made me both sick and relieved. But it tasted good. It did. Despite all my wishes for it not to, it did, and I wanted more.

I stopped eating after the third because I felt too full and nauseous by the end of everything. My body can’t handle strong flavors. If I wasn’t full or sick, I would’ve allowed myself one more. Even still, I wanted so bad to run to the bathroom and purge everything. It took all my willpower and the knowledge that I’d be stopped to not try.

It’s hard to handle the thought of liking a dish so much that I want more of it. I don’t like that feeling after the fact, but in the moment I found that I was enjoying myself a little.

Why do I have to feel that way?

Ajax calls me Kunikuzushi in public and Kotenok in private, so when he said, “I’m so proud of you, Kuni,” I felt this weird, tingling sensation throughout my body. It’s weird being called that, but I don’t exactly mind it. If anything, it makes me feel warm. I can’t pinpoint why, but it made me ask if he could call me that more often. It was hard to say it, but he still heard me and agreed.

My mind is cycling between liking and disliking this date. For something like this… maybe it’s okay to raise my intake. Just a little.

Ajax is knocking on my door, so that’s all I’ll be writing tonight.

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29/9

I felt extra tired last night, so we just went straight to bed after changing clothes. I’m fairly certain Ajax was on his phone for a while after I fell asleep.

This morning I finished the rest of the first slice of the trout and ate half of the second for dinner. I wasn’t hungry enough for lunch, nor would I have allowed it after yesterday. It wasn’t as good the next day, but I still liked it. But again, eating more than half at a time makes me sick.

I’m scared to ask for more. I’m such a glutton. But why does fish have to taste as good as it does? It’s not fair.

Struggling to restrict because of fish is ridiculous, but I screamed into my pillow today over liking it so much that if I lacked that last bit of control I’d go over my limit.

EDs and fish paired together is a nightmare.

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30/9

I ate the last bit of trout for lunch. I hate how good it tastes. I hate how I asked Mom to buy fish. I hate how I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I used to be able to distract myself and I have enough fear foods to lack a lot of cravings, but fish has never been one of them. I haven’t experienced this level of cravings in years.

But it just won’t leave me alone. I can’t stop myself from looking forward to getting more. It’s driving me insane.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to think now.

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1/10

First day of October, but for some reason it doesn’t quite feel like it. Maybe it’s because it’s not that windy yet.

My focus when studying was better after eating salmon. It was bizarre how in-the-zone I was. When was the last time I was *that* focused?

And then I felt this weird thing in my brain. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s strange and both pleasant and unpleasant.

The question of how many calories keeps nagging me in the back of the head, but it’s less prominent than any other food besides miso.

It’s been a long time since that happened.

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2/10

I got most of the abstract project done today.

Ajax is now trying to convince me to go trick-or-treating with him and, even worse, do matching costumes as Platinum’s Lucas and Barry. I can’t believe he wants us to match... He won’t shut up about it, which makes me fear the possibility of being forced to go along. And I can’t decide if it’s worse than that stupid cat maid outfit from last year.

Salmon is fine on its own, but lemon juice and pepper was a good addition. I’ll probably have it again tomorrow.

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3/10

I hadn’t realized that tomorrow marks one year of writing until someone at school mentioned what day it was. I never expected that I’d end up writing every day for an entire year, especially at the beginning.

I don’t plan on writing more beyond tomorrow, but I’m thinking of rereading everything. I don’t remember most of the year, and I want to know what’s changed. As for how much change, I’m not sure.

Also, I ate trout with small slices of vegetables for dinner. It was good when pan fried in watered down teriyaki sauce together.

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4/10

Today is the final day of writing every day for a year.

I reread every entry from beginning to end, and I remembered all the things I felt. The days that were good and the days that were bad were so much more different than I remember them being. Some days I was sobbing and suffering, but then there were other days that I genuinely felt happy for the first time since I was a little kid.

Even in just the past few days my body has felt a little better than it did earlier in the year.

Those days won’t leave my mind. Reading about mine and Ajax’s dates and the day I found Bella and the days I knew I was *loved* warmed my chest.

It warmed my heart, I realized.

And I want to feel that more.

After doing some research, I came to a decision: I’m going to get a therapist. I want to feel that happiness and not that suffering, and all sites pointed to therapy.

I’m scared to be so open to someone I don’t know – or any person, for that matter – but I know that to feel something good I have to feel pain and discomfort. I’ve known that for six years, for better or for worse.

I don’t want to feel useless. I don’t want to feel pathetic. I don’t want to feel weak.

I want to feel like I’m worth something.

And I think this is the answer.

I’m too nervous to tell Mom right now, I’ll need to prepare myself. I never thought I’d ever want a therapist, so I don’t know how to tell her without her asking questions. It’ll take time to ask, but I’ll do it.

I swear by it.

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Thank you so much for reading all of Kunikuzushi’s Diary! All of your support along the way means so much to me, especially because there was… a lot to this. I never expected this to get so popular, especially with the subject matter. Seriously, how did this become one of the most kudosed Chiscara fics of all time?

As I said in the notes of the very first entry, I wasn’t going to say anything until the end of the last one for the sake of immersion (except for that one time in April, lol). Originally it was just going to be in the end notes, but I figured some folks may have questions, so this final chapter is for answering all of them.

I’ll respond to your comments and then copy-paste all the questions and answers below for better organization. Any and all questions are welcome. It can be about the fic, about me, anything.

Q: Does Ajax know that Kuni is trans?

A: Yeah, he learned after walking in on Kuni changing clothes in entry 221.

Q: Will there ever be a spin-off or sequel that's from Ajax's point of view?

A: Sorry, I’m finished with this, but that doesn’t mean the story has to be over. If anyone wants to make a continuation or duology or alternate ending, go ahead. I consider whatever people want to add to this story as canon and you guys have full creative freedom. My only request is that you put “This has the Senti Seal of Approval” in the description/notes/tags/etc. so people know it’s all good.

Q: You don't have to answer this, but do you have an ED?

A: No worries, I don't mind. I had anorexia for about 7 years, but the side effects built up and a year ago I got a health scare similar to Kuni's. I did a 180° flip to orthorexia out of panic and that lasted for about half a year until my meds made me gain a bunch of weight, which led to me falling back into anorexic habits. Now I stand with one foot on each side which I just simplify to EDNOS. Picture that "two wolves inside of me" meme and that's the vibe of it, lmao.

Q: Was each entry written daily or did you write on a back-up basis (e.g., you published day 20 and you had days 21 to 36 ready etc)? 

A: Every entry from 1 to 366 was prewritten, but as I posted I changed things here and there. For example, the Fontanian restaurant was originally Mondstadtian, but I thought it'd be fun to change it.

Q: When you started writing, did you already have a vision of the ending, or did the endings and the story itself change during that year?

A: I had a general gist of how I wanted it to go, but as I wrote it things shifted around or changed entirely. The ending was entirely different, but I thought this ending would be a bit nicer.

Q: What inspired you to write this?

A: I don't exactly remember because I had the idea years ago, back when we all thought Ei and Scara were siblings, but when I was writing it I found that it was paced too fast. So I left the idea behind until around June 2022 when I found the document again. From there I started brainstorming and as I did so I decided to add in anorexia. I was tired of fics only scratching the surface, and while I never doubt they come from experience, they don't really get into it beyond restricting (it should be noted, however, that it's never the main focus of the narrative so less detail does make sense). There are so many other factors that are rarely written about such as purging, hair thinning, fear vs. safe foods, fasting, the intense dizziness, it interfering with your social life, and most importantly that distorted euphoria you feel after seeing your weight go down by even just 0.1lbs and still thinking you're fat when you're dangerously underweight. This kind of stuff really matters to me, so I wanted to represent it in all its painful glory. So a mix of "I don't remember" and wanting more realistic anorexia representation in fanfiction.

Q: What exactly is the relationship between Ei and Kuni? Was she a teen mom?

A: Ei was unintentionally a teen mom and combined with how she had to spend nearly all her time working to keep them afloat a rift was formed between them. When Kuni was 8 she met Miko who has a high paying job (picture that one promo art with her & casual Ei) and helped get them out of poverty, but there was still a lot of distance between her & Kuni. This fueled Kuni's depression and he became anorexic out of desperation for her care, love & attention. Ei still didn't give him that until she walked in on him about to hang himself shortly after turning 16. This made her realize, "Oh, shit, what have I done to my son, I need to actually be a mother and care for him," but because she never learned how to be a parent she assumed that to show care she should let him do what he wants, which ironically made things worse without her realizing, as Kuni was able to deny getting psychiatric help because he knew that it'd be a horrible experience. So in short she's a bad mom who has been worse but is now trying (& failing).

Q: Do you have ideas about what happens next?

A: Eh, not really. The most I think about is his therapist being Nahida because I really like their dynamic but other than that I've got nothing.

Q: What happened to Scara and Childe Kill People?

A: There are two reasons for why I deleted it. The first is simply losing ideas and inspiration (I mean, it had been two years). The second was a change in view. In 2024, I had shadowed a funeral director for a few days because at the time it was my dream profession. The reason why it was my dream profession was because I found death overly fascinating, but as it went on I realized how disrespectful that was to those who passed and their loved ones, especially with how much more emotional and different the cry of a mother is. Frankly, I had become rather disturbed that I ever thought what I was writing was funny (especially in regards for who they killed). Something as serious as death and murder is a disgusting thing to joke about and make light of. That is why it is no longer up and never will be again.

Again, thank you so, so much for everything, it truly means the world to me!

With all that said,

See you later, Feraligatrs!