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Chapter Text

Her head was pounding, and the obnoxiously bright fluorescent hospital lights weren’t helping. As if the night hadn’t already been triggering enough, being back in a hospital bruised, bloody, and broken was making things ten times worse. 

She hated hospitals so fucking much.

She was in pain, trying to block out a flare-up of her PTSD, worried about Noah, worried about the kid she’d shot because she was Olivia Benson—empath until the day she died. People could tell her until they were blue in the face that she’d acted in self-defense, but she’d still feel guilty for it. 

Olivia stood up, grabbing onto the edge of the bed when she felt the room spin. Her headache was making her nauseous. That’s what she was calling it. The ER doctor who had no idea what it was like to be an NYPD Captain in the Special Victims Unit and didn’t understand that ‘taking it easy’ was not an option had called it a concussion.

She had managed to sit back on the bed slowly, not wanting to risk another dizzy spell, when a nurse knocked on the door. “Captain? You have a visitor.” 

If anything was going to keep her in the present the sight of her former partner barreling into the room and rushing to her side had her sighing in relief. 

He had come for her. 

This time he had come for her.

“El-” 

His breathing was panicked, but his hands were gentle as they cradled her face and he leaned his forehead against hers. 

“Oh, thank God,” he whispered. His lips were so close to hers that she could feel his words. “Fin called me. He said you’d been attacked-” 

“He shouldn’t have called you. I’m fine. I’m a little beat up, but I’m fine.” She tried to ease his panic.

“A little beat up ?” He pulled back and tried to keep from raising his voice, but disbelief and frustration still bled through his tone. “You have a concussion, cracked ribs… you were green-lit for Christ’s sake, Olivia! I’m gonna kill those bastards,” he touched her bruised cheek tenderly, leaning into kiss the bandage on her temple softly. “Every single one of them. I’m gonna kill them,” he growled.

“Elliot, stop,” she placed a hand over his chest. “Breathe. I’m alive. You killing them isn’t gonna do either of us any good.” 

She couldn’t deny that it felt good though. His fierce protectiveness and gentle touches made a feeling of safety she hadn’t known for a long time wash over her. She knew he wasn’t kidding. He’d kill to protect her. He would’ve ten years ago.  He still would now, and she’d do the same for him.

A wave of pain hit her before either of them could say anything else, and she closed her eyes, allowing him to wrap her in his arms and rest her throbbing head on his chest. 

“I’ve got you,” he soothed, stroking her hair, and holding her the way she’d wished he had been there to do so many times in the ten years he’d been gone.

A tear leaked from her eye, and she was thankful he couldn’t see her face. “Noah saw everything, El. My twelve-year-old had to see me get beaten up in the street. He was right there, and if they’d seen him-” 

“But they didn’t. They didn’t touch him, Liv. They won’t get a chance to hurt him or you ever again.” 

She exhaled shakily. “One of them had a machete. They knocked me to the ground.  I couldn’t-I’m a cop. I’m a fucking Captain, and I let myself be kicked around like a rag doll. I just laid there,” she gripped Elliot’s shirt in her fist as the memories assaulted her. “I had yelled at Noah to go inside and call 911. I wanted to make sure they didn’t turn their attention to him, so I just let them-” 

“Shhhh, hey, listen to me. Don’t do this to yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t let them do anything. You did what you had to do to protect your son. One of those pricks has a bullet in his knee to prove it.” 

She shook her head. The pain from her ribs was making her breathing ragged as she buried herself in the safety of his embrace. “They had kicked my gun away, but I managed to reach for it. The guy with the machete… he pulled it out, and I was so scared. I didn’t know if he was gonna kill me in front of Noah, or if he was gonna cut through my clothes and-” she swallowed hard, unable to say the word. She didn’t need to. He knew what horror she had been reliving at that moment.  “Something inside me snapped, and I pulled the trigger, and-” 

“And thank God you did.” 

The tenderness in his voice caused more tears to build up in her eyes, and she allowed them to fall in the privacy the solid wall of his chest gave her. 

“He was just a kid. I shot a kid.”

“He wasn’t a kid, Liv,” Elliot growled. “He was a piece of shit who knew what he was doing.” 

“But-” 

“No. No buts. I get it. You know I do, but you can’t do this to yourself. You managed to save yourself. You shouldn’t have had to, but you did.” 

Again. Her mind supplied. 

“They got away. I kept firing, but they ran. They could come back-”

He kissed the top of her head, and his hand gently stroked her locks. “Shh, it’s over now, baby. It’s all over.” She could kick his ass for the pet name later when she was healed. He wasn’t used to seeing her like this, and it was killing him. Right now he just wanted her to feel protected.  “You’re safe.”

“I’m not-”

“With me you are. Always .” 

“I gotta put a detail on Noah. Maybe send him up to Woodstock. He’s staying with Amanda tonight,” she deflected, not wanting to overthink the heaviness of his words.

“We’re putting a detail on you too. Just in case,” he replied firmly. 

She pulled back and glared at him. “No we’re not. I need to catch these guys.” 

“And we will,” he emphasized the we. “But, I’m not taking chances. I want you to stay with me tonight when they discharge you.” 

“El, I don’t need a babysitter, and I don’t want them to chase me out of my home.” 

A small part of her was hoping he’d argue, hoping he’d insist because he knew now about the beast that had destroyed her home a decade ago, and the thought of being alone tonight while she was injured and dealing with the PTSD haunting her made her uneasy. 

Sure, she had a shotgun now, and her new apartment was more secure, but still. They knew she was injured, less able to defend herself, they could bring more with them and sneak in somehow while she was sleeping. The thought made her shudder against Elliot, and he held her tighter. 

As if he could read her mind, Elliot protested. “Do you really feel alright being alone tonight, Olivia? Because I don’t. The thought of letting you out of my sight after you were almost murdered on the street, and the animals who did it are still on the loose terrifies me. Even if they’ve fled the city, do you really feel like you’ll be able to sleep tonight?” 

No, she didn’t. Even if she managed to close her eyes, she knew her sleep would be plagued with nightmares. At least with her partner by her side she knew she had extra protection. 

“I’ll stay with you, but I don’t want a detail.” 

“Olivia-” 

“You’re more than capable of protecting me. I’m not giving them that satisfaction.” 

“It’s not about giving them anything.” 

“Elliot-” 

A nurse came in and interrupted them before Olivia could finish. “I’m sorry to bother you, Captain, but given the circumstances I need to ask if you would like a rape kit done.” 

She sat up, wiping her eyes and removing her head from Elliot’s chest. Bile rose in her throat as the flashback hit, and Elliot squeezed her hand, his voice devastated, but soft. 

“I’ll stay with you the whole time, Liv.” 

She knew he’d taken her hesitancy to mean the worst, and snapped back into the present. “No, no I don’t need one. They didn’t-they weren’t interested in that. I wasn’t raped.” 

She could feel Elliot’s exhale of relief beside her. 

“When can I go home?” Olivia asked, and if his heart wasn’t in his throat, Elliot might have chuckled.

The nurse looked at her chart. “I’ll talk to the doctor. You should be okay to be discharged, but your concussion will need to be monitored. Do you live alone?” 

“I’m taking her home with me. I’ll take care of her,” Elliot absentmindedly stroked the back of Olivia’s hand with his thumb. 

“Are you her husband?” 

“He’s my partner,” Olivia replied, not bothering to elaborate.  She could take care of herself, but couldn’t deny that it felt nice to have someone else there to hold her up for once even though she wouldn’t admit that out loud. 

The nurse smiled. “I’ll bring the discharge instructions as soon as I have them.” 

Twenty minutes later she was walking alongside Elliot with his hand supporting the small of her back, a packet of paperwork, and pain medicine he had promised to crush up for her. 

X

Her partner had shown up for her tonight, and it was healing something inside of her. It was keeping her from running and hiding behind the walls she’d put between them for so long.

When she needed help changing her bandages after she showered he was there.

When she asked him to crush up the pain pill in front of her, because she trusted him, but she needed to watch, he did so without hesitation.

When she gripped his hand tightly, feeling the effect of the medicine sending her into a triggered panic, he was there with soothing words and gentle touches that kept her grounded.

When the first  nightmare came he was there to help slay her demon and coax her back to the present. 

Annoyingly, but out of care for her, he was there every couple of hours waking her up as instructed. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Olivia Benson.” 

“What year is it?” 

“2023.”

“Where are we?” 

“Your apartment.” 

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Three. Now let me sleep,” she grumbled. 

He did… until the timer on his phone went off again. 

When she woke around three in the morning panicked because she thought she’d heard something  Elliot was there. He got out of bed, turned the light on, and cleared his apartment with his gun to reassure her they were safe. 

Even when another nightmare ended with him getting a right hook to the jaw  he was still there. He promised her that he was okay, and she didn’t need to apologize. He wrapped her back in his arms and promised he wouldn’t let anything happen to her or Noah. He would guard them with his life and would never leave again.

He was there.

They still had a long way to go, but he was there, devoted to her, loving her, caring for her, protecting her. 

He was showing up for her, and tonight that was all that mattered. 

Chapter Text

She was putting her coat on, watching sleet cover the streets below her office when she got the call. 

“Benson.” 

“Liv, is this a good time?” Elliot’s voice was hurried, and his panic caused her heartrate to speed up. 

“I was just getting ready to head home. Everything ok?” She put him on speaker as she searched through her purse for her keys. 

“No. I’m driving back to New York now. Mama’s in the hospital. It’s..it’s bad,” he choked out the last word.

“What happened?” She took him off speaker, putting her phone on her shoulder as she locked up her office and headed out in the squadroom. 

“They don’t know. They’re running tests. Bell called me and said the assisted living place had been trying to reach me. I guess mama fell pretty hard. They don’t know if she broke anything, but she’s been delirious all day, hallucinating. She’s been getting her medicine so I don’t-they think she might have a brain bleed, possibly a stroke. The hospital is concerned about how high her blood pressure is, trying to get it down.” 

“Oh God, El. I’m so sorry.” She knew he and Bernie hadn’t always had the best relationship, but the last few years they’d been trying and had grown closer. His mother had been frail when she’d last seen her, and it broke Olivia’s heart to know that her dementia was worsening.  She loved all the Stablers, and their matriarch was no exception to that. 

He cleared his throat. “I know the weather is supposed to get bad, but I just wanted to get back in case she-I wanna be there if-” 

Even though they knew it would be coming someday neither of them wanted to think about it. “Shh, I know. I know, Elliot, listen. She’s in good hands, ok? You said she was at the hospital-” 

“Yeah, Mercy’s Critical Care. Kathleen and Lizzie are with her.” 

“Ok, well that’s good. She’s not alone, and the doctors are doing tests. They’re gonna do whatever they can to help her.” She tried to reassure him, but she knew he had probably heard similar things when Kathy was in the hospital. “I’m leaving the precinct now, so I’ll head up there.” 

“No, no I can’t ask you to do that. The roads are slick, and you’ve got Noah.” 

“Noah’s in Woodstock this week, and I’ll be fine. It’s not too slick yet. Besides, Bernie is important to me too. I wanna see her if I can, and I want to be there for all of you.” 

He sighed, feeling selfish for the relief that washed over him at the knowledge that he’d see her tonight, but also worried for her safety. “Alright. Thanks, Liv. Just be careful, ok? Drive slow, and don’t walk too fast on the sidewalk. I don’t want you to fall and hurt your ankle, or anything again.” 

It was endearing how open he was now with his love for her. His protectiveness had always been there, but it was different now, louder.

“You be careful too, partner. I’ll keep you updated.” 

“I will. Thanks again.” 

It was a few minutes into the drive before it hit Olivia that she was going to see Elliot again for the first time in six months. She took one hand off the wheel to place her fingers on the compass pendant he’d given her; the one that was supposed to lead her to happiness. She had missed him so much, and despite wishing it were under better circumstances, she couldn’t wait to be by his side again.

X

Olivia walked down the hall of the ICU wing, stopping when she saw the two Stabler girls in the waiting room. 

“Liv!” Kathleen was on her feet the minute she saw her father’s former partner. She and Lizzie rushed over to give her a hug. “Thanks for coming,” she sniffled.

“Of course,” Olivia squeezed them tight. “How’s your grandma?” 

“We haven’t been able to see her yet, but they said she was sleeping. They had to give her something to get her to calm down. She was seeing things, and freaking out, and it was making her condition worse. They’ve got her on some strong blood pressure medicine. They think the stroke was caused by the brain bleed, and the high blood pressure from the stroke caused the hallucinations.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“We’re just glad she’s stable now,” Lizzie replied. “We weren’t sure if-” 

“But she made it. She’s ok, and they’re taking good care of her,” Kathleen interrupted either to reassure her sister or herself. 

“Good. Your father is on his way. He called me.” Olivia pulled back to look at the girls she loved like they were her own. 

“In this weather? How far away is he? He shouldn’t be-” 

“I know.  It worries me too, but he promised he’d be careful.” 

“He better be. One family member in the hospital is enough,” Kathleen replied grimly, and Olivia and Lizzie nodded in agreement.

They were interrupted by a doctor coming into the waiting room. “Family of Bernie Stabler?” 

Olivia started to move out of the way to allow Kathleen and Lizzie to talk to the doctor, but they both gripped her hands tightly. 

“That’s us. Our dad isn’t here yet, but he’s on his way,” Lizzie spoke up. 

“Are you Bernie’s daughter-in-law?” The doctor asked Olivia, who wasn’t able to speak for a moment. 

“Uh, no I’m-” 

“She’s our dad’s partner. We’ve known her since we were kids. Grandma knows her too,” Kathleen supplied. 

Olivia wondered what it meant that even though their partnership had technically ended over a decade ago the word partner was still so sacred. 

Almost like a marriage. 

“Your grandmother is awake now if you would like to see her. We are working on getting her blood pressure regulated. It is at a safe level now, but given that she had a hemorrhagic stroke that is something we still want to monitor as well as what other effects it might have caused. We will know better over the next few days.” 

“Thank you Doctor.” She turned her attention back to the Stabler girls when the doctor left. “I’ll let you girls go in. I’ll wait here for your dad.” 

“Are you sure, Liv? Grandma would love to see you too. You’re family.” 

You’re family.  

Elliot had said something similar to her almost a year ago, and she wasn’t sure how to unpack it. 

“I know. I’ll come in when your dad gets here,” she smiled. “You guys deserve to have time with her.” 

They each hugged Olivia again before heading down the hall. She sat down in a chair and yawned, closing her eyes for a minute while she waited. 

X

A light hand gently shaking her woke her up. She opened her eyes to see Elliot’s exhausted face, smiling at her softly. It didn’t reach his eyes, but she knew despite his stress tonight he was happy to see her, and it warmed her heart.  

“Hey sleepy head.” 

Olivia stretched, returning the smile. “Sorry, El. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” 

He reached out and brushed some hair out of her face. “It’s alright. It’s late. I just got here.” Elliot looked at her for a long moment. “I missed you so much.” 

It hit her then that she was seeing him for the first time in six months. He was home, and he was worried, exhausted, and sad, but he was here . 

“I missed you too,” she finally replied, standing up to hug him. 

They held each other tightly for several minutes. Neither of them wanted to let go until they remembered why they were at the hospital. 

“How’s mama?” Elliot asked with his lips moving against Olivia’s hair.

“The doctor told us she is stable. They are getting her blood pressure down. They called it a hemorhaggic stroke.” 

“Jesus,” he exhaled shakily. “They think she’ll be ok, right?” 

“They want to keep her for a few days to monitor her, but she’s alive and responding well to the medicine which is a good sign. Your girls are with her.” 

Elliot sighed. “I know she’s old, and she won’t be around here forever, but-”

“She’s your mom. I’m not ready for her to go either.” 

He finally pulled back to look at her, but kept his arms around her waist. “Your hair is darker.” 

Olivia was taken aback for a moment by the sudden change in subject. “Oh, yeah. I got it done a couple of months ago. I decided it was time for a change.” 

“And the bangs,” he grinned and fondness dripped through his tone. “I like it. It reminds me of our early years together.” The way he said ‘our early years together’ made it sound like they were past lovers reuniting after being separated. 

Her cheeks flushed under the heat of his gaze and the heaviness of his words. “Too bad we aren’t still that young,” she deflected. “I think I pulled a muscle in my back picking up some papers that fell off my desk yesterday.” 

“Tell me about it. My knee is still messed up from Ohio.” 

“Maybe lifting your ex-partner wasn’t the best idea at your age, Grandpa,” she teased, remembering the way he’d scooped her up into his arms as she guided them to safety. 

“It was worth it.” 

Olivia didn’t know what the hell to do with the sincerity in his voice, so she looked away for a minute. 

“You’re wearing it.” His hand reached up to touch the necklace he’d given her, and she smiled, giving into the flirting he’d started. 

“Someone special gave it to me.” 

“Yeah? How special?” 

“El,” she warned, using his nickname, not wanting him to think he’d scared her off.

“Too much?” 

“A little bit for tonight I think.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok,” she squeezed his arm, knowing that he was probably flirting with her to distract himself from the worry he’d felt all night, and stepped out of his embrace. “Let’s go see your mom.”

X

Kathleen and Lizzie greeted them when they got to the door, and Elliot wrapped them in a hug. 

“How is she?” he asked when they pulled back. 

“She talked to us a little, but slept off and on. She wasn’t hallucinating like she was at first at least. She fell back asleep though. We thought we’d wait for you to get here, and then head home and let her rest.” Kathleen replied. 

“The roads are getting pretty bad. I don’t think it’s safe for you to drive all the way home. Why don’t you both just stay at my place tonight? You too, Liv.” 

All three women rolled their eyes at his protectiveness. 

“Elliot-”

“Dad-” 

“Please? One person I love in the hospital is enough.” 

Olivia was tempted to protest even after his daughters gave in, but she really had missed him, and he and his family had had a rough day. She wanted to be there for them. 

“Fine.” 

“Wow you must be really tired, Captain. Barely an argument,” Elliot teased.

Olivia glared at him, but there was no anger behind it. “Shut it, Stabler.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” he winked at her, and gave Kathleen and Lizzie his apartment key as they hugged him and Olivia goodbye. “Drive safe. Text me when you get there.” 

“We will,” Kathleen promised. 

X

Elliot had to swallow a lump in his throat when he saw Bernie in the hospital bed. Olivia squeezed his hand as they walked into the room. 

She appeared to be sleeping, but the partners were planning on staying for a few minutes in case she woke up. Shortly after they walked in they heard her voice. 

“Elliot?” 

“Hey mama.” 

“Am I seeing things again?” 

Elliot shook his head. “I drove in tonight.”

Well if I had known this is what it would take to get you back home with us I would’ve checked myself into a hospital months ago.” 

Elliot leaned down and hugged her. “I was coming back. You didn’t need to scare the shit out of me to get me to do that.” 

“A mother might wonder,” she teased. “And you brought your beautiful partner with you.” 

Olivia smiled, walking over to the other side of the bed and taking Bernie’s hand. “Hi Bernie.” The matriarch’s next words made it impossible to hide her blush. 

“Hi dear.  I saw the two of you holding hands earlier. I can’t believe it took me almost dying for my boy to get his head together.” 

“Mama!”

Olivia stammered. “Oh, we-we’re not-” 

“First of all, I bought her a necklace in May ,” Elliot interrupted. 

“Did you?” his mother gave him a look. “Let me see it.” 

Olivia mentally wanted to kick Elliot’s ass, but it felt wrong to say no to his mother after she’d had a major health crisis, so she showed her  the compass.  

“Oh my. He did good.” 

Elliot looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole, and Olivia couldn’t help the smirk on her face when she realized he was as nervous as she was.

“He did.” Olivia looked at Elliot when she said the words. 

“My boy really does love you, you know. Even if he doesn’t always show it in the best ways, and not just because he buys you nice jewelry,” Bernie added, handing the compass back to her. 

“Mama.” Elliot groaned, worried his mother was going to scare Olivia off, but Olivia surprised him again with her response. 

“I know he does.” 

Bernie squeezed her hand. Her body somehow seemed more frail when she asked the next question. “Do you love him too?” 

“Mama please.” 

Both women ignored him, and Olivia was speechless for a moment, but it was the thought of how close they had come to losing the elderly woman that had the words spilling from her lips. She didn’t want to waste anymore time.  “I do, yeah.” She wasn’t looking at Elliot. She wasn’t sure she was ready to say the words to his face yet, but that didn’t make them less sincere. “I love him, Bernie.” 

She smiled, a peaceful look forming across her face.  “Good. That way I know he’ll have someone that will look after him when I’m gone.” 

Olivia felt a chill go down her spine.  “You-you might still have time left. People recover-” 

“Oh I know, hon, but I’m not getting any younger, and neither are either of you. Let yourselves be happy. You deserve it.” 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, mama,” Elliot choked out, unsure if the emotion was from what Olivia had said, or the reminder of his mother’s failing health. Maybe both. 

She yawned, squeezing his hand. “I love you, son.” 

“I love you too,” he kissed her forehead. “I’ll let you rest and come visit you tomorrow, ok?” 

The only response was a nod as his mother drifted off to sleep. Olivia leaned down and kissed her forehead too. “Goodnight, Bernie.” 

Elliot wasn’t sure how to approach his partner, but she pulled him into a hug again, kissing away a stray tear that had fallen. 

“Liv-” 

“We’re good, El,” she smiled. “We’re good, ok?” 

“Yeah?” 

Olivia nodded. “I’ll follow you back to your place.” 

“I’ll walk you out to your car. The snow is getting heavier out there.” 

His protectiveness didn’t irritate her this time. It warmed her heart. 

“Ok.” 

“Lead the way, partner.” 

They may not know exactly what would happen next, but one thing was for certain.

The compass had led them right to where they belonged, to what they deserved like his mother had said.

With each other.

Chapter Text

There were few moments in Elliot Stabler’s life more terrifying than this one as he looked at the security photos. Distantly, he heard their Captain, but every cell in his body was frozen. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak. 

All he saw was red.

Olivia had been taken. 

Logically, he tried to tell himself that compared to other monsters they’d seen, Merritt Rook’s M.O. was mainly psychological, but that didn’t make him less terrified for the woman who was his partner and best friend. Besides, they didn’t really know what the man was capable of, and regardless, this was the woman Elliot Stabler loved that the bastard had in his clutches. 

If he laid a finger on her, or made her the slightest bit fearful or upset he was a fucking dead man when Elliot found him. 

“Olivia disarmed herself and went with this fruitcake.” 

Elliot was so focused on the picture in front of him that he didn’t even register who made the comment, but his instinctual need to defend his partner snapped him out of his shock. “He must have had a gun on her. She didn’t want to risk him shooting civilians. You know that. Don’t you dare blame her!” 

“No one is blaming her, son,” Cragen replied calmly. “No one is blaming her. We’re gonna find her.” 

The next few minutes felt like a blur. Fin left to go over to TARU to have them look at Olivia’s cell phone, and the rest went to where they were told Rook’s second home was. Elliot’s fear heightened when the search turned up no answers. 

An old colleague of Rook’s, Dr. Chang, told them about his last job. It was an audio recording studio in Brooklyn. Elliot may end up on a wild goose chase, but it was a lead. It was something, and he needed his best friend back safe and sound. 

X

He went in alone despite his Captain’s protests. If they made themselves obvious, lights and sirens, cops barging in, Rook could kill her, and Elliot didn’t want to entertain that thought. 

“Wow, that's very impressive. I didn’t think you’d make it here so quickly.” 

Elliot was tempted to just shoot Merrit Rook the minute he laid eyes on him, but he didn’t see Olivia, which meant she was hidden somewhere and possibly injured. The thought made his blood boil and a low growl left his chest. 

He would find her first, and then when she was safely out of the building, he would kill this bastard with his bare hands. 

“Where is she?” he tightened his grip on the gun, aiming it at Rook’s head. 

“I’m unarmed.” 

“Put your hands on your head,” he ordered, disengaging the safety. “Stand up. Over there. Get over there.” 

“Yes sir. That gun is very persuasive.” 

Rook moved to the wall as instructed, and Elliot hated his smugness. He was acting almost as if he’d already killed Olivia and put her body somewhere he knew no one would find. 

The thought made bile rise in Elliot’s throat.

“Don’t move. Where is my partner?” He didn’t hear any sounds of distress, or see any blood on the walls, but he’d worked this job long enough to know that didn’t mean he hadn’t hurt her in some way.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” 

“No more games,” Elliot moved closer, stopping himself from pulling the trigger, or grabbing the other man and snapping his neck. 

“Or what?” Rook laughed. “You gonna shoot me? Then I don’t think you’ll ever find her.” 

Elliot lowered his gun reluctantly, and Rook flipped on a light, allowing Elliot to see the other side of the glass. 

“That’s better. She’s in there. Let me show you.” 

Olivia was in a chair in the center of the room. She was trapped but alive. 

Elliot pounded on the glass. “Liv!” Her lack of reaction worried him deeply. They had seen dissociation with trauma survivors before, but from what he could see she didn’t have any fresh injuries, and her clothes didn’t look torn, so he prayed he’d gotten to her in time. 

“She can’t hear you,” Rook both explained Olivia’s lack of response and further angered Elliot. “Also, it has one way glass. She can’t see you.” He continued when Elliot quickly grabbed the doorknob. “And that door is wired with an explosive device so if you open it both are going to hell.” 

He had know way of knowing if the man was telling the truth or not, but he couldn’t risk putting Olivia in more danger than she was already in. 

“Go ahead if you don’t believe me, or I could use the detonator.” 

“Alright, what do you want?” 

“Let’s conduct a little experiment. See how far you’ll go to save your partner.” He flipped another switch that appeared to be a microphone. “Liv, Elliot’s here.” 

Elliot saw a mix of relief and trepidation wash over her features.

“Do as he says, El.” 

Her voice was calm, strong, but Elliot could hear the underlying unsteadiness.

“Liv, are you alright?” Please tell me I got here before he had the chance to hurt you. I will never forgive myself.

“Elliot, please. Just do as he says.” 

“Liv-” 

“Shut up!” Rook turned their attention back to him. 

Elliot was afraid to take his eyes off Olivia, as if he could protect her simply by looking at her, but the light was switched off before he could say anything else. 

“I’m in charge now, so sit down and listen.” 

Elliot’s eyes stayed glued to the glass. 

“Sit down!” 

He complied, only out of concern for the woman he loved more than she would ever understand. The woman he would burn the world down for. 

“These are the parameters of the experiment. Olivia is sitting in a chair. It’s wired for electricity, 250 volts to be specific, delivered by this device. Old sparky could give out 2450 volts to fry a convict, so it won’t kill her, but it’ll hurt.” 

“The Milgram experiment.”

“You’ve done your homework. Except this time, the shock is for real.” 

Jesus, no. Elliot’s blood ran cold, and before he could respond a button was pressed and the screams that filled his room pierced through his soul.

“Now press the button.” 

“I won’t do it.” All he wanted to do was rush into the other room, wrap Olivia in his arms, and take her place so the shocks would hurt him instead. 

“Then I will.” 

Screams filled the room again, and Elliot’s heart was shredded. He knew he’d never get the sound out of his head.

I’m sorry, Liv. I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry I failed to save you. 

“Stop! Make it stop!” 

“That was two seconds. If you refuse again it goes up to four seconds, and I double the voltage.” 

“Why are you doing this?” 

“To teach you a little lesson about power and authority. You cops with your guns and badges think you can do anything you want. You think you own the streets.” 

“I don’t abuse my authority.” 

“Oh, every cop abuses their authority.” 

“Like the ones who didn’t believe you when you were a kid.” 

“Oh yeah, I was too scared to stand up to them.” 

“You scared of Dr. Slifkin too?” He had to keep Rook talking. Any minute he was distracted was one less minute Olivia was in pain.

“No.”

“This isn’t about authority. This isn’t about obedience or sheep. You just want me to suffer the way you suffered.” 

By taking away someone I love.  Elliot wondered if Olivia could hear the subtext, and if she would shoot him for it when he got her out of here.

“You have no idea what I’ve suffered.” 

“I have no idea what you’ve been through. To lose your family-” 

“I didn’t lose them. They were taken from me. I knew something was wrong with Juliet. I told him we gotta get the baby out. He said everything was gonna be okay. He was a well-respected doctor. Who was I to challenge his authority? So I didn’t. I caved in, you know? I sat there, and I held my wife’s hand, and I watched her bleed to death. I put my faith in a little guy in a white coat, and he killed my wife and son.”

He pointed the device in Elliot’s direction again, turning up the voltage taking his grief out on Olivia again as more screams were heard, louder this time. 

“Push the button.” 

“No.” 

“Push the button!” 

“I can’t do it,” his voice cracked. 

“No? Why?” 

Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat, forgetting that the microphone was on, and his partner could hear him on the other side of the glass. “Because too many people have suffered already. Because I love her.  I can’t be the cause of her pain, and I’m not strong enough to listen to it. I’m not strong enough to watch her suffer like you had to watch your wife.” 

“Then you, Elliot Stabler, are a human being. Congratulations. You are not a sheep like I was. You are a man. Thank you.” He flipped the light back on, and Elliot nearly sobbed in relief when he saw Olivia looking as unharmed as she had earlier. “Don’t worry about your partner. The screams are pre recorded, and this is just a garage door opener, Elliot. The door isn’t wired.” 

Elliot raced through the door to Olivia, kneeling down, and undoing the straps keeping her in the chair. 

“He said that he had a bomb, and if I didn’t go with him he’d detonate it in Grand Central.” 

“It was all fake. He faked it,” Elliot’s voice was soft as he checked her over for injuries. “You ok?” 

“Yeah,” her voice was thick with emotion which gave Elliot pause. 

“You sure?” his voice took on an urgent, but still gentle tone.  “Olivia, do you promise me he didn’t hurt you?” 

She swallowed and nodded, her voice sounding clearer when she responded. “He didn’t. Other than the fact that I’ve been stuck in this chair and haven’t gone to the bathroom in several hours.” She attempted to joke to ease his mind. “I’m fine, El. Really.” 

“I’m not,” he sighed heavily; his own voice thick with emotion like hers had been. “I was terrified. I didn’t know what he was gonna do to you. I thought he’d taken you from me. I guess I understand him in that twisted way. The fear of nearly losing someone that I-” 

“You love me?” 

The way she said it in a tone of disbelief that it was possible for someone to love her broke his heart. “You heard that?” He tried to deflect.

“Elliot-” 

“I always have,” he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead before he could talk himself out of it.  She could yell at him later. All he cared about was that she was alive. “Let’s get you out of here, partner.” 

X

Everything ended with Merrit Rook tricking them when they were walking him back to the squad car. He triggered the detonator, blowing up the building, and then took off into the water while cuffed.

They watched the water for a moment, knowing their suspect was now dead, but finding it easier to look at the river than each other. 

“Elliot… we can’t-”

“I know. I just wanted you to know. You deserve to know.” 

“I-” 

“You don’t have to say anything. 

“El, I love you too, but we can’t-you’re married.” 

“I know.” 

“I would never allow you to leave your family for me. You know that.” 

“Liv-” 

“We should get back to the precinct and let Cragen know he can call off the search party.” 

“Yeah.” 

They turned to each other, neither speaking for a long moment before he pulled Olivia against his chest, wrapping his arms around her. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if-” 

“I’m alive, Elliot. I’m okay. I promise.” 

“And we’re good?” 

“We’re good. I’m hungry, and you will be paying for my food, but we’re good.” 

Elliot chuckled. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, Benson.” 

“Thank you for having my back.” It was the one way they were allowed to love each other freely. Being each other's protector. 

“Always.” 

Partners.

For better or worse.

Chapter Text

Elliot heard about the NYPD holiday gala from Bell when he was at the airport getting ready to board his flight home to New York.

It was almost Christmas, and he had plenty of things he wanted to do when he landed back in the city after six long months away: See his kids, see his mom, buy presents for them, show Olivia he was staying for good, get to know Noah better. Attending a holiday party 1PP was putting on wasn’t exactly at the top of that list.

“Are you going?” he asked, pulling the phone away from his ear briefly  while he listened to boarding announcements in the background. God, he just wanted to be home. 

Ayanna laughed. “Come on, Stabler. You know I’m not the one you’d pick to be your date.” 

He was grateful she couldn’t see the red that colored his cheeks. “Liv might not even be going.” 

“She’s a captain. She goes every year. Why don’t you call her and ask her.” 

He paused for a moment. “She doesn’t know I’m coming home.” 

“Seriously? Did you ghost her again? I told you you could have limited contact as long as you were safe about it.” 

“I didn’t ghost her. We talked. I just—with it being almost Christmas, I wanted to surprise her. She doesn’t think I’m coming home till after New Years.” He was interrupted by the sound of his gate being called to board. “I gotta go, Sarge.” 

“Have a safe flight home, Stabler.” 

“Thanks Ayanna.” 

He knew though, and suspected she did too, that he wouldn’t be home when he landed in the city. 

Home was Woo-Hop takeout, and dime sized pupils, and a compass full of promises.  

X

The minute he finally laid eyes on her again she was in a long, dark red dress with a sweetheart neckline. Her hair was held up halfway by a clip, and it looked darker than six months before. 

She was beautiful. 

She always had been beautiful, but something about her tonight made her look even more stunning. Maybe it was because of the shift between them after Ohio. Something had changed in that diner, in that urgent care, in her office when they shared a meal together, and again when he’d given her the compass. 

He still didn’t want to push her, but it felt like they were working towards something. It felt like they were healing. They’d stayed in touch when they could in the months he’d been gone, and the conversations they’d had weren’t always easy, but it felt like it had brought them closer. 

Elliot chuckled when he watched her subtle look of annoyance as McGrath appeared to be droning on and on about something. He debated whether or not to go over and pull her away, but decided to wait until the chief wasn’t in earshot.

Olivia nodded once at whatever McGrath had said, and walked over to the drink table to refill her glass. Elliot gave her a minute, watching a few people mingling on the dance floor. 

He smiled softly over as he made his way over to her. “Excuse me, miss. Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if I may be a lucky enough bastard to dance with the most beautiful Captain in this city tonight.” 

She turned at his voice, attempting to hide the flush in her cheeks at his words. “Well, you’ll have to go ask her yourself. Captain Curry is over at the other table.” 

His grin widened. “Liv.” 

“El, I thought… you said you wouldn’t be home until-” 

“Yeah, I may have exaggerated a little.” His heart swelled when he saw the compass pendant hanging from her neck. “Wanted to surprise you.” 

Olivia set her drink on the table, looking away for a minute, beaming at him when she faced him again. “The best surprise, but… your first night off in months and you choose to spend it at a work function?” 

He shrugged. “Bell said you’d be here.” 

She followed his gaze over to his sergeant. “She has been acting… secretive around me tonight. I couldn’t put my finger on it.” 

“She’s the one who told me about it.” 

They looked at each other for a moment as if unsure what to say next. Elliot took a chance, opening up his arms for her. She wrapped her own around him without hesitation. 

“Welcome home, El.” 

He tightened his embrace. “I missed you.” 

Three words neither one of them said out loud when he first returned from his ten-year absence, but that had been different. There had been so much anger, grief, and heartache back then. 

She sighed, relaxing against him. “Missed you too. I’m so glad you’re home.” 

“Me too.” Elliot  was tempted, so tempted to seal their reunion with a kiss, and it took every bit of restraint he had to hold himself back. He cleared his throat, deciding to test his luck again. “So about that dance, Captain Benson?” his voice dropped low, and she laughed. 

“Well, Detective Stabler, I should warn you that I have two left feet, and it’s been a long time since I’ve danced with anyone. In fact, now that I think about it you may have been the last one.” 

“I find it hard to believe there aren’t more men out there wanting to dance with you, Olivia. There’s probably dozens of them that are here tonight.” He couldn’t deny feeling smug at the thought of being the last one to hold her in his arms and sway to music with her though. Their dance at Fin’s not-wedding felt like a lifetime ago.

“Well,” she leaned in close to his ear, a hint of seduction in her tone. “There’s only one I’d say yes to.” 

“Fin?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, you . You big bald idiot. Dance with me, Stabler.” 

Olivia fit seamlessly into his arms when they made it to the dance floor. Elliot pulled her close, one hand on her waist and the other intertwined with hers. Neither of them paid much attention to the song that was playing, but they found the ‘won’t you be my partner?’ line fitting. Even though their partnership had ended over a decade ago it’s what they still considered themselves. Partner had always meant so much more than just coworkers on the job even though they couldn’t admit that at the time.

He twirled her around and his heart swelled at the carefree laugh that escaped her when he did so. The second time he twirled her he ended it with a dip, and they were reminded that they weren’t the only ones in the room when they heard a low whistle behind them. 

Elliot was worried Olivia would decide then that this was too much and pull away, but instead she moved so she was upright, pressing her forehead against his. 

“Hi,” she smiled, but he could hear the slight nervousness in her tone.

“Hi,” he smiled back reassuringly, wrapping both arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around his neck. He wanted her to rest her head on his shoulder and just breathe, let him carry some of the weight for awhile. He wanted her to know she was safe with him, that she could just be Olivia tonight. There was no pressure. It was just a dance between two people who cared for each other deeply. 

“Do your kids know you’re home?” 

“Not yet,” he absentmindedly massaged her lower back. “I’ll tell them, and go visit mama tomorrow.” 

She shifted closer, the compass resting between them as she laid her head on his shoulder, surprising him with her next question. 

“El? Why did you give me the compass?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean it must have cost a fortune, and it’s engraved, customized. It’s beautiful, but-” 

“Too much?”

“I just-” 

“You deserve nice things, Benson. But if you don’t like it-” 

“I love it.” she was quick to protest. “I haven’t taken it off. I just don’t understand-” 

“Because I needed you to know how much you mean to me, and I’ve done a shitty job of expressing that with words.”

She swallowed. “You didn’t need to buy me expensive jewelry to show me that. Honestly I’m-I’m not worth all of that.” 

“You are worth more than all the diamonds in the world, Olivia. One of these days I’ll get you to believe that.”

“Sappy bastard,” she teased. “I really did miss you, Elliot.” She pulled back so she could see his face, leaned her forehead against his, and pulled him into a kiss before she could talk herself out of it. 

The kiss deepened, growing more heated as their tongues moved together. He cradled the back of her head, biting back a groan as her intoxicating scent surrounded him. She tasted like expensive red wine, and he sucked on her tongue as he drank her in. He wanted to let her set the pace, but he’d loved her for twenty-five years and never thought they’d have this. 

“Missed you so much, Liv.” His voice was gravel as he pushed out the words in between kisses. “ So much.” 

He could feel his body responding to her heavy kisses, and couldn’t hold back the low growl that escaped his mouth. It seemed to remind both of them once again where they were, and they pulled back reluctantly. 

“El, I-” 

He couldn’t help the feeling in the back of his mind that she wasn’t really ready, that he’d misread things and fucked everything up again, that she was going to regret kissing him.  “Liv are you-” 

Olivia huffed out a laugh. “I’m fine. I only had one glass, Elliot,” she kissed him again but softer this time. “I know what I’m doing.” Still, she hid her face in his neck for a moment, trying to slow her breathing down before she looked at anyone else in the room again. 

She wasn’t an idiot. She knew their colleagues had likely seen them, but she needed this one private moment. She needed this moment with her head resting in the crook of his neck, and they could pretend it was just the two of them. 

“Olivia-” 

“You wanna get out of here?” she looked up at him again, and her eyes were sincere, trusting. 

Elliot cleared the emotion from his throat. “Your place or mine?” 

“Well,” her voice dropped low enough for only him to hear. “My place is closer and child-free for the weekend.” 

“Yeah?” a slow grin formed on his face at what she was insinuating.

“The whole weekend,” she affirmed seductively, pulling out of his embrace to grab her purse while he stood there unable to move. She walked past a smirking Fin on her way to the door. 

“It’s about damn time,” he quipped. 

“Shut it, sergeant.” There was a swing in her hips when she turned back to Elliot. “You coming, El?” 

In more ways than one, he thought.

He snapped out of his trance quickly, following her to the door. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m coming.” 

She knew exactly what she was doing to him, and he wasn’t complaining in the slightest.

X

They were on each other the minute they got through her apartment door. Her hands reaching for the buttons on his shirt while he sucked kisses down her neck, grazing her skin with his teeth and soothing with his tongue. Olivia knew he was probably leaving a mark, but she couldn’t find it in herself to give a damn. Her dress felt tight, and she moaned in relief when he pulled down the zipper to give himself more access to her skin. 

“You’re still overdressed, Stabler,” she pointed out as red silk pooled at her feet. 

“You gonna do something about that, partner?” he teased her through her soaked panties, cutting off any response she was about to give. “So wet, Liv. All for me, isn’t it?” 

“You cocky bastard.” She went to reach for his buttons again as he slid two fingers through her folds. “Jesus, Elliot.” 

“Say it.” He curled his fingers inside her, finding her clit with his thumb. “I wanna hear you say it, baby.”

She pulled hard at the last button on his shirt, sending it clattering to the floor. 

“Hey, that was an expensive suit, Benson.”

“Shut up and fuck me,  El.” 

“Not yet,” he stepped back to discard his shirt, and dropped to his knees. “Wanna taste you first.” 

“I think you’re forgetting that I outrank you, Detective.” 

He used his teeth to pull her panties the rest of the way down, and the vibrations from his responding chuckle against her center caused goosebumps to form on her skin. “I guess you’ll just have to remind me later, Cap.” 

Olivia leaned against her door and was thankful he had a grip on her thighs when he pushed his tongue inside her. He alternated between giving her deep, slow licks with his tongue, and quick, firm sucks to her clit. He felt her walls clench around his tongue, and he groaned, pulsing in and out rapidly as he felt her nearing the edge. 

He was devouring her as if he was dying of thirst, and he growled, sucking her clit hard as the orgasm ripped out of her.

“Oh God , Elliot!” 

He kept his mouth on her, lapping up every drop she gave him, and swallowing against her. His stubble was slick with her arousal, and he placed a light kiss to her sensitive bud, and an open mouth kiss to her mound before standing up. She kissed him hungrily, slipping her fingers under his waistband and stroking him through his slacks. 

“Liv, I’m not gonna last very long-” 

She silenced him with another kiss. “We’ve got plenty of time. Take your pants off.” 

He laughed at her eagerness. “Yes ma’am.” 

Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist once he was down to his boxers. “Take me to bed. Now.” 

Elliot squeezed her ass, kissing her  as he carried her into her bedroom. She used her feet to shove his boxers down, lying on the bed when he set her back down, and guiding him to her entrance. 

“One problem with that,” he smiled at her frustrated huff. “You’re still overdressed.”

She didn’t know why, considering she was already mostly naked, and his tongue and fingers had been inside her just minutes ago, but the thought of him seeing the few scars that remained underneath her bra made her nervous. 

“Liv?” he questioned when she didn’t say anything, sensing she’d gotten lost in her head. “You in there?”

“Sorry, El. I just-” 

He started to move off of her worried she’d changed her mind. “If this is too soon we don’t have-”

“No, no I want this. I want you. I don’t want us to waste anymore time, but you need to know that… that thing I told you happened to me a long time ago? I told you that I still had some scars, and I don’t want that to impact-” 

“Olivia,” his voice was soft, and he stroked her cheek gently.

“I want tonight to be about us. I don’t want it to be about the things that were done to me, or how you weren’t there. Can you please just… pretend you don’t see them?” 

Elliot kissed her slowly before responding. “First of all, you are beautiful, and there is nothing that could ever make me feel differently, or love you any less than I do.” His declaration of love caused her to look away for a moment. “I know, it’s ok. You don’t have to say it back until you are ready, but it’s the truth. I love you so much , and I hate myself for not being there when you needed me, but that’s not on you. Never on you.” He reached for the straps of her bra, unclasping it, and removing the last barrier between them. “You’re so gorgeous, baby.” 

He lovingly kissed and tongued her breasts, treating them with a delicacy and reverence that contrasted their heated movements in the living room. She arched her back when his mouth closed around her left nipple, sucking while his hand kneaded the other one. He alternated, lavishing her right breast with the same attention he’d given her left, and his touch seemed to soothe her nerves enough for her to quip:

“I always knew you were a breast man.” 

Elliot chuckled. “Can you blame me?” He hesitated for a moment before pressing light kisses to each of her scars as if he thought it would heal her. 

“Elliot,” she exhaled shakily. 

“The only thing I care about is that you survived. Do you hear me?” His voice was thick with emotion. 

She nodded, swallowing hard. “El, I-” she wanted to tell him she loved him so badly, but the words kept getting stuck on her tongue. 

He planted a sweet kiss on her forehead, reading her thoughts. “I know,” he guided himself to her entrance in lieu of speaking further. “Do you need-”

She shook her head. “No, I’m clean, and I trust you. I wanna feel you inside me.” 

He grinned, rocking against her, teasing her folds. “Lube?”

Olivia groaned. “Night stand drawer.” She whined at the loss of contact when he moved back slightly to open the drawer, pulling out the bottle. 

“Patience, Captain.”

“You’re on thin ice, Detective. I believe I already told you I wanted you inside me.” 

He slicked both of them up, even though she was already wet he didn’t want to take a chance of hurting her. She’d already had enough pain in her life, not all of it had been caused by him, but some certainly had, and he still couldn’t believe she’d chosen to forgive him as much as she had. He still couldn’t believe he was allowed in her life at all much less in her bed being granted the ability to love her the way he’d always wanted to.

They both moaned loudly when he sank inside her wet heat, stretching her, filling her to a hilt. “This okay?”

“Perfect.” 

They were broken people, but together they fit.

It wasn’t until he started moving, and her hips lifted to meet his thrusts, that either of them realized she was still wearing the compass. 

He continued his thrusts, leaning down to kiss the pendant. “Do you want this off?”

“No,” she gasped when he angled himself so his cock was hitting her g-spot. “It led us home.” 

He kissed her languidly. “It sure did.” 

“Faster. Feels so good. God, El, please. I need more.” They had all weekend for slow and sensual. Hell, hopefully they had the rest of their lives. He drove into her, thumbing her clit and sucking her nipples again, growling when he felt her walls clench around him. 

“That’s it, baby. Let go. I’ve got you.” He moved up to kiss her lips again. “So beautiful. Come for me, Liv. Lemme hear you. That’s my girl.” 

He continued thrusting through her climax, nearly coming himself when he heard the cry of his name. “Fuck, Liv.” 

“Jesus Christ, El. That was-” 

“Yeah. I’m gonna-” 

“Inside me. Please.” 

It only took a few more thrusts before he was spilling inside her, coating her walls and causing her to moan loudly as her own body continued to spasm. He kissed her lazily as they rested together. She held him against her, feeling his cock twitch inside her as he nuzzled her neck as if nesting for the night. “Damn.” 

“Better than your dance moves,” she teased after a few minutes of silence. 

“Hey!” 

She laughed, kissing his temple and closing her eyes, finally finding the nerve to say the words she’s been wanting to say for years. “I love you, El. So much.” 

“I love you too,” he kissed her nose as she settled against him. “Sweet dreams.” 

God , it felt so good to finally be home.

Chapter Text

They’d been married fifteen years, retired for twelve when it started. It was small things at first. Small enough that Elliot brushed it off as just that they were getting older. Who cares if she asked the same question a couple of times, or forgot what day of the week it was, or what she’d planned to get at the store. She was still his Liv and still sharp as a tack on most things. He started worrying when she got lost driving to Kathleen’s one day; a route they had driven thousands of times. 

“Liv, I think we should call-“ 

“I’m fine, Elliot,” she snapped. “I don’t need to go to the doctor. I’m just having an off day.”

He didn’t make the suggestion again until she forgot to turn off the stove one night, reminding him too much of his mother in her later years for his comfort.

She turned him down again, but after several months of behaviors like that, the kids started noticing it too. It was Noah who finally managed to convince her to make an appointment. 

“Look, it could be nothing, but you know Elliot isn’t gonna stop worrying until you get checked out. Don’t you want to go just to shut him up?” Her son had pleaded with her, using whatever tactic he could.

“I’ll think about it, ok? I’m sure I’m just stressed.” 

Elliot was extremely reluctant to leave her at home by herself due to his increasing concerns for her health. He tried not to make it obvious, but when Maureen got a flat tire, and Kieran needed someone to drive him to soccer practice, Olivia was adamant that Elliot do it. 

“He’s our grandson, El.” 

“I know. I just-why don’t you come with me?” 

“I’m tired. I need to rest.” 

“Liv-” 

“Jesus, Elliot! I need space! You’re suffocating me.” 

He kissed her forehead, not phased by the kind of outburst he had been getting used to.  “I’m sorry. I love you, sweetheart. Call me if you need anything, ok?” 

There was a brief pause before her eyes flickered to his again. “Where are you going?” 

He swallowed, holding back temptation to put her in the car and drive to the hospital. “I’m gonna go take Kieran to practice, and then I’ll be back.” 

The time he spent caring for his mother had taught him to be patient, to not argue, and it was breaking his heart that he was applying the same methods to his wife.

Olivia nodded; her previous frustration with him seemingly forgotten. “Ok, do you want something for dinner?” 

He shook his head, trying to hide the anguish at the fact that they had just eaten dinner less than an hour ago. “I’ll get something on the way home if I’m hungry. I don’t want you to worry about it.” 

Kathleen had been planning to stop by and see them, and Elliot called her from the car to ask her to stop by a little early because he was concerned about Olivia being at the house by herself. 

She promised him she would and reminded him he wasn’t getting any younger either.

“I know. I know. I’m not supposed to be driving in the dark, but I should be home before the sun goes down. Carl is picking him up.”

“Alright, love you, dad.” 

“Love you too. Listen, she’s… Liv’s having a rough day-” 

“Don’t worry about it. I got it.” 

Elliot felt tears burning in the back of his eyes. “Thank you.” 

His phone rang again on the drive back from the soccer field. His heart pounded when he saw his wife’s name on the caller ID. 

“Hey-”

“I just wanted to tell you I love you.” Her voice was rushed, and he wondered if she was agitated again. 

“I love you too, baby.” He spoke gently, hoping that she could still hear the sincerity in his words. “Everything okay?” 

“When are you coming home?” 

“I’m about ten minutes away. I’m almost home. Is Katie there?” 

“Yes. She said you went out. We weren’t sure where you went. I was worried.” 

He gripped the steering wheel tightly, exhaling a heavy breath. “I’m alright. I’m sorry I worried you. I just went to take Kieran to soccer practice.” 

“Oh, silly me. I forgot they were playing this time of year. No, that’s right. You told me that earlier. I’m sorry, El.” 

It was frightening how quickly the switch in and out of lucidity was. “It’s alright. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”  

His doctor, his children, and Olivia on a good day would scold him for the speed at which he was driving, but he had to. He needed to be home, and he needed to not leave her ever again.

X

A few nights later he woke up to a noise in the kitchen, and cursed the arthritis in his back for keeping him from getting up as fast as he could when he was younger. The bed was empty beside him, and his heart jumped into his throat. 

“Olivia?” He reached for his glasses on the table, gripping the night stand to stand up when he heard a crash. “Damn it. Liv?” He turned on the hall light, crossing into the kitchen and saw her searching through drawers frantically. “What are you looking for?” 

“Where are my keys? What did you do with the keys?” 

“Where were you gonna go?” 

“I don’t know. I can’t go anywhere without my keys! Where is your badge? We’ve gotta get to work! Where’s my badge?” 

“Olivia.” He paused for a moment to think of what to say, and that only seemed to add to her frustration. “We’re off today.” 

“We are?” 

“Yeah. Munch and Fin are on call.” 

She stared at him blankly before responding. “Munch? Elliot, Munch died almost twenty years ago.” 

“Yeah, I know.” He placed his hands on her shoulders, kissing her temple and guiding her out of the kitchen. “Let’s go back to bed.” 

“But, it’s the middle of the afternoon.”

The ache in his chest grew, but he smiled at her softly. “I know it is, but I’m tired. I think I could use a nap. How about you?” 

“Well, alright. I guess we are getting too old for these all-nighter cases.” 

He chuckled even though it was killing him inside. “Yeah, we are. Let’s get you to bed, Captain.” 

She placed her hand on his chest like she had in that Ohio urgent care a lifetime ago. “You’re so good to me, El.” 

She kept her hand over his heartbeat as they walked back to their bedroom, and he hoped that no matter what happened next she’d know how much love that heart held for her.

X

It was late fall when he finally got her to go to the doctor, and she got the diagnosis their family had been fearing. They’d had a good morning, despite her moments of lucidity getting fewer, and Elliot placed a supportive hand on her back as they took in the doctor’s words.

“Isn’t there something-” 

“I’m afraid not, Mr. Stabler. I wish I could tell you differently, but this is a progressive illness. Your wife-” 

Elliot wished her grim prognosis was a nightmare they would wake up from. “She’s sitting right here!” He snapped out of protectiveness and devastation. “Don’t talk about her like she’s not in the room, and don’t tell me she won’t recover. You don’t know my Liv. She’s a fighter.” 

He felt her hand on his arm, calming him like she always had, like only she could do. “Doctor Marshall, I would like a moment alone with my husband, please.”  

“Of course. Take your time.” 

They both felt the wave of grief wash over them when the door closed. Neither of them said anything at first, but Elliot wrapped his arms around her when he heard her sniffle. 

“My brain is broken.” 

His heart shattered, and he didn’t hold back his own tears. “Shhh, I’ve got you. I’m right here. I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’m never gonna leave you. We’ll get through this together, ok? You and me.”

“Elliot-” 

He knew that tone of voice. The voice she used when she told him she was fine even when she wasn’t. The voice she used when she wanted to prove she could take care of herself and didn’t need anyone. The voice that made him wish he could go back in time and throttle Serena Benson for making her daughter feel unworthy of being loved and cared for.

“Olivia, listen-” 

“No, you listen.” Under less heartbreaking circumstances, he would’ve smiled at her ‘Captain’ voice that could command any room she walked into. She was still in there somewhere no matter what the doctor said. She was still his badass Benson and always would be.  “I love you, so much, but this is gonna get bad. We both know it is. We’ve seen it.” 

“I’m your partner.” 

She cupped his cheek. “The best damn partner I ever could’ve asked for, but I don’t want you to kill yourself taking care of me. You aren’t getting younger either, Elliot Stabler.”

“I promised you for better or worse-” 

Her voice shook with emotion, but her words were firm. “And I want you by my side for however much longer I have left, but I am pleading with you, while I can still think relatively clearly.  If you and the kids have to put me somewhere I’ll be okay. Just come visit as often as you can.” 

It was too difficult for him to think about, but for her sake he nodded, holding her tighter. 

“Elliot?” She asked after they had spent a few silent minutes crying together. “I’m scared.” 

He could barely speak over the lump in his throat. “I know. Me too.” 

“What if I forget who you are?” 

She sounded so heartbroken, and he wished more than anything that he could take her pain away. “Olivia-” 

“Pence almost forgot Winnie. I don’t wanna forget you, El. I don’t want to forget what we have: our family, our love.” 

It was something that he remembered with his mother.  The way that she could still hold onto some old memories while newer ones were a challenge.

“I don’t think he ever forgot their love, and besides I will always remember you.” He kissed her head sweetly. “I will always love you no matter what. I’ll remember for the both of us, and I’ll remind you if you forget.” He managed a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ll just have to make you fall in love with me all over again every day.” 

She kissed him softly. “Well that will be easy. You promise?” 

“Cross my heart.” 

X

He knew his kids were worried. He knew Olivia herself had been worried, but they didn’t understand that it was impossible for him to bear the thought of letting her go. He loved his family. He did, but what he shared with Olivia transcended time and memory. She was the love of his life, she was his partner, and she needed him. Perhaps what was most difficult for everyone including her to understand is that he still needed her too.

Their kids, their friends, and their doctors kept telling him to find a place for her because he couldn’t take care of her all on his own, but how could he do that? How could he send her away and let strangers care for her? They didn’t love her like he did. They didn’t know her like he did. 

They didn’t know her favorite meals that he fixed for her as often as he could. 

They didn’t know there was a certain way she liked to have her hair done when he brushed it every morning. Sometimes he would leave it down, parted to the right. Sometimes she asked for a small braid. Sometimes she wanted a bobby pin on each side. He’d raised daughters; he didn’t mind learning how for her when her hands got weaker, and she couldn’t remember how to use a brush.

They wouldn’t understand that dementia or not, she was still human, she was still his Liv, and needed to feel some sense of independence. He knew, and that was why he put post-it notes around the house to remind her where things were she might want to find.

“She’s not the same, Dad.” Richard stated one day  in a solemn tone.

“She is to me. I still love her the same. I don’t know how not to.” 

“We love her too. You know that, but you can’t do this on your own.” The words hit hard coming from Kathleen who had always been close to Olivia. 

“I can’t leave her. You’re asking me to… she wouldn’t understand. She’d think I abandoned her. I can’t do it. I’m keeping her home as long as I can.” 

X

He was slow and careful when he helped Olivia  get dressed on the days where she barely spoke, kissing her forehead when he buttoned up the last button on her sweater. “You wanna sit on the porch? It might be good to get some fresh air.” She followed him outside, and he held her hand as they sat on their porch swing. It was crisp, but not too cold, and it was moments like this one he would cherish. 

He made her lunch, and then allowed himself to close his eyes when she went to take a nap. He wished he hadn’t when he woke up to see her standing in front of him with tears streaming down her face. 

“Olivia? Honey, what’s wrong?” 

“I couldn’t find the bathroom.” 

The shame in her voice gutted him, and he pulled her into his arms, not caring that he could see that her pants were soaked. “Shh, ok, it’s alright.” He soothed as best as he could. “It’s alright. Come here.” He helped her into the bathroom, cleaning her up, and finding her a dry pair of pants. Her soft sobs were like a dagger to his chest. “Everything is gonna be okay.” He led her back into the bedroom while he changed the sheets and then laid down beside her. “I’m so sorry, Liv. I’m so sorry.” 

He bought her pads the next day, helping her put one on even when she got frustrated with him. He gave her space when she got angry, but kept a close eye on her from a distance until she wanted him near her again which usually wasn’t a long time. 

He prayed to anyone who would listen that he wouldn’t have to give her up, and wished more than anything that loving her would heal her even though he knew it couldn’t. 

X

The decision Elliot had been dreading was made for him a few weeks later when he woke up to a cold bed, and his wife was nowhere to be found. He called Noah, knowing there was no way he could drive as dark as it was outside, when he saw that the door had been unlocked. 

He didn’t hide the sheer terror from his voice. There was no need to. “I don’t know how long ago she left. I didn’t hear-God what if she’s hurt?” 

“We can’t think like that yet, Dad. I’m on my way.” Noah Benson-Stabler may have been adopted, but he had Olivia’s knack for staying calm and taking charge down to a T.  “There’s no way she got very far. She’s probably just around the block. Maybe she went to a neighbor’s.” 

Elliot shook his head even though Noah couldn’t see him. “They would’ve called me. Damn it, she’s out there somewhere lost, and-“ 

“Dad, dad, I know, but you gotta breathe. Remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure.” 

“I’ll worry about my blood pressure when I know your mother is ok!” he snapped. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t. We’ll find her, and we will bring her home and take care of her. We just-we can’t think the worst yet. We won’t be any good to her if we do.” 

By the time they had driven through the neighborhood with no sign of Olivia, Noah was just as panicked. “Should we call it in?” 

“Look at you sounding like the son of two old cops.” Elliot sighed heavily. “I just  … I don’t know if I trust a bunch of rookies with her. She’s sick. They might not understand. She might get scared.” 

“So SVU?” 

The thought of having to call Olivia’s old precinct, this time because she was a victim, made Elliot physically ill. “I think it would technically go to missing persons, but-“ 

“If their former captain isn’t a special victim then who is?” Noah gave Elliot a sympathetic look when he saw the look on his face. “We’re gonna find her, Dad. Call Velasco. He’s a sergeant now, right? He can get a search team started.” 

Elliot’s phone rang before he could dial, and both men cried in relief when they heard the current SVU Captain’s voice on the line. Olivia had been found by officers out on patrol, and had requested to be taken to her old precinct because she needed to get to work. 

When they got there she looked disheveled, but unhurt, and she was sitting calmly at one of the desks. 

“Hey.” One of the new detectives approached them. “She’s okay. She just keeps asking us if we could call Captain Cragen?” 

Elliot felt Olivia reach for his hand, and he squeezed while he responded. “Our old Captain from when we worked together. He died five years ago.”

“Elliot? Maybe you can help clear this up. I don’t think these people are supposed to be here. When did Don hire them?” 

“Hey, partner.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I’m gonna take you home, okay? Everything’s alright now.” 

“You don’t need to do that. I’ll be fine. You should go home to Kathy and the kids. I’m sure they haven’t gotten to see much of you the last few days.” 

It sounded so much like the old Olivia that Elliot wanted to weep. “I know. I’ll give them a call. I just wanna get you home safely first.” 

“Kathy won’t mind?” 

Noah stepped in, giving his mother a small smile. “Hey mama.” 

Olivia shook her head, facial features softening when she looked at her son. “Noah, my sweet boy. Did you finish your homework?” 

The doctor had told them that sometimes you have to find ways to smile  through the tears. This was one of those moments. 

“Uh, yeah. I did.” Noah saw Elliot smirk out of the corner of his eye at the way he briefly stammered like a child despite being close to forty. “Let’s go home.” 

“I thought you were staying at Connor’s this weekend?” 

As difficult as it was sometimes not to argue, they knew patience was crucial. “I can’t now. They said something came up, so I decided I would just stay home with you.” 

“Oh.” She linked her arms with his and Elliot’s. “Well okay.” 

Elliot kissed the crown of her head softly. “Let’s go home, Olivia.” He never wanted to let her out of his sight again.

X

They manage to get lucky enough to find a nice care place only fifteen minutes away. It was Elliot’s main compromise. If he had to be away from her he wanted to still be as close as he could because he was her partner. It didn’t matter what anyone told him. He would have her back until the day his heart stopped beating. 

She had done okay during the day when they were moving her in; although, they could sense she wasn’t thrilled with the idea. The breaking point came that night when both she and Elliot realized he’d have to leave her soon to go home.

He walked back into her room to see her staring blankly at the wall, and was tempted to go back to the nurse’s station, and demand they let him stay the night. 

How was he supposed to say goodbye to her? How? He’d never been able to. It was the reason he left for ten years with no contact, and even though they’d worked through that, his guilt had never fully gone away. 

“My old partner would’ve killed you. He wouldn’t have questioned himself after what you did.”

Elliot’s blood turned to ice as he watched her speak in a haunted tone to a ghost. It was cruel that on top of everything else she was dealing with, PTSD still had a grip on her all those years later, but at least trauma was something he knew . At least knowing how to help her through a PTSD episode was something he’d had more practice with over the years. This, while it broke his heart, was familiar territory.  

“Liv?” He stepped closer to her slowly. 

“I told him you’d kill him. Why haven’t you done it?” 

“I uh-I had to get my gun back.” God, he wished he was in the past with her. He wished he could kill the bastard from her mind. 

“Then shoot him.” She locked eyes with him and her chin quivered. “Please, El. Shoot him so I can go home.” 

“Baby-”

“I wanna go home. I don’t like it here.” 

He didn’t care that visiting hours were almost over or that their kids were outside waiting for him to get in the car. He made his way over to the bed and wrapped her in his arms. “Shh, I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard. I know it’s not home.” 

“And you have to leave. They’ll make you leave. I don’t want you to go.” 

“I know. I know, but listen I’m gonna be here everyday, ok? You won’t even have time to miss me. I’ll be back here first thing in the morning, and I’ll make sure they’re taking care of you the way you deserve.”

He felt her hand grip his shirt as she spoke shakily against his chest. “I’m scared.” 

“Do you trust me?” 

“With my life.” 

“I promise you that you’re safe here. I’ve got you. I know I’ve gotta go home, but this doesn’t mean you’re alone, ok? I’ve always got your back, partner. Always. ” 

She sniffled, but her tears slowed. “You’ll come back tomorrow?” 

“First thing. We can have breakfast together in the dining hall.” 

She nodded but didn’t pull away. “Ok. Can you get rid of him first?” She pointed at the wall.

“He’s dead, honey.” Elliot  replied in a gentle tone. “I promise. He’s not here. It’s just you and me.” 

Her mood had switched to one of frustration. “You’re lying! He’s in here. I think he’s hiding in that closet.” 

“Liv-” Don’t argue with her, Stabler. Don’t argue. “I’ll go check, ok? I’ll make sure he’s not in here.” 

She pulled her sweater tighter around herself when he stood up. “Thank you. Be careful. Get your gun.” 

He walked towards the closet slowly with his arm outstretched, pretending to clear the area the way they’d always done on the job. When he opened the door he stepped inside, making sure she could see he was being thorough. “It’s all clear. No one’s in there.” To his relief she visibly relaxed, and he kissed her sweetly after another long hug. “I’ll be back in the morning. Maybe they’ll have some orange juice.” 

“You mean so you can steal mine?” 

He rolled his eyes teasingly. “So we can share.” He gave her a reassuring smile. “I love you so much.” 

“Love you too.” 

He held it together until he got outside, nearly collapsing with harsh sobs as Maureen and Kathleen guided him back to the car.

X

Somewhere in the far back corner of his mind Elliot had known the day would come. The doctors had told him Olivia’s condition would worsen.  They warned him to be prepared for many things, but no amount of preparation would help lessen the wound. No medical professional could give him a manual on how to cope with this part of the disease.

The day the love of his life no longer recognized him.

“Oh hi!” She greeted him when he walked into her room, and he smiled at her like he always did. “You work here, right? I can’t get this damn TV to turn on.” 

He prayed that it had been a fluke because she was distracted. “Olivia, it’s Elliot.” 

Her expression changed to a wistful one. “Oh, I used to have a friend named Elliot a long time ago. He was my partner on the job. We lost touch. Something happened, and he left without saying goodbye,” she sighed. “He was a good man though. A wonderful man. He just…well he was conflicted. He had to choose his family. It hurt, but I understand. I’ve forgiven him. I still miss him some days, but I hope wherever he ended up he’s happy.” 

Elliot felt like he had stopped breathing. 

Olivia shook her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bore you with stories. I’m sure you have things you need to do.”

“No, no.” He choked out. “I don’t mind. I’d actually like to sit with you for a while if that’s ok.” She may not remember that he was her husband, but he had promised her more than once since her diagnosis that he would remember for both of them, that he would never leave her to go through this alone.

“That would be lovely. It gets lonely in here sometimes.” 

His arms were aching to comfort her, but he forced himself to hold back. That wasn’t something strangers did, and that’s what he was to her today. Sure, a stranger that reminded her of the man he was a lifetime ago, her old partner who had left her, but that was all.

“I’m just gonna…” He trailed off, motioning towards the bathroom. 

“Take your time.” 

In his younger days, he would’ve punched the wall or the mirror, but his bones were not what they used to be. Instead, he closed his eyes once he shut the door, leaning against the sink and letting his tears fall. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been in there, but when he walked back into the room again Olivia’s face lit up when she saw him, and he dared to hope for just a moment. 

“Young man, are you alright? You look sad.” She opened her arms, and he was reminded of her abundance of compassion that not even Alzheimer’s could steal. She was still in there somewhere. No matter what anyone told him. “I know we don’t know each other well, but you seem so nice. Could I give you a hug?” 

He nodded, wrapping her in a friendly hug as more tears fell.

“What’s wrong?” 

Elliot shook his head. “I’m alright. I’m just–my wife is sick, and that makes me sad.” 

“I hope she knows how lucky she is to have you by her side.” 

“I’m the lucky one.” 

X

The days she didn’t know  he was her husband grew more frequent as time went on, but he tried to take comfort in the fact that a part of her still sensed something about him that made her feel safe, that she trusted. He was the nice man that came and brought her flowers everyday, even if it was just a single daisy. He was her friend, and it killed him, but he would take it if it meant she was okay with him being near her. 

He told her she was beautiful every time he saw her because it was as true now as it was the day they met. She blushed when he flirted with her, and he couldn’t help the smug smile that crossed his face when she asked him to tell another resident who had been hitting on her to leave her alone. 

It worked both ways it seemed because he could tell she was jealous when another woman came up to them in the cafeteria and asked if he wanted to play bingo with her. 

Their kids tried to convince him to take a day off, to come home and go to church with them or anything, but he declined. They wanted him to take care of himself, and they had to force him to sometimes, but he still stayed by Olivia’s side as much as possible. 

They visited once a week, and he saw the sorrow in their eyes when she introduced him as her new friend. 

“Kathleen, this is my new friend. He says his name is Elliot.” She would say with a smile on her face, still looking at him with a fondness she always had. Her heart was still there. Her love was still there. He could feel it as strongly as he had for fifty years. “How are your parents? You should tell them to stop by some time.”

It was hard: the way that she recognized different people on different days. She asked him about Kathy sometimes, and Bernie, and would travel back to their days working together, telling him they needed to rethink the way they were going about a case. 

He hated that those dark memories were still in her head. He wished he could do something so she only had the good ones. 

She would go back and forth between thinking she was still a detective, or a captain. He found the humor in the Captain days. She would give the nurses tasks, asking them to go out on interviews, and to make sure they had their files on her desk by Monday morning. 

In the early days of her illness, when she still had moments she was more lucid, it wasn’t uncommon for her old detectives to come to her with advice about how to handle a case. 

Elliot loved her on those days, but he loved her on the hard days too. He loved her on the days when she was a child again and would sit in his lap and ask him to tell her a story. 

Sometimes on those days, she would ask him why her mother didn’t love her. He never knew what to say because he didn’t understand himself. He loved her more than anything in the world and was quick to remind her of that when she would ask him that question. 

X

The nurses finally gave up restricting him to visiting hours, and the doctors admitted that she was better when he was there. 

She no longer knew how to read, but when she was agitated he would read to her, and he noticed that his voice still calmed her like no one else could. 

He had never been the best with words, but he wrote her a letter when she first got moved in, and he didn’t know she kept it until he saw her looking at it one day. She may not have known what it said, but it still meant something to her, and that warmed his heart that he could give her that. He started writing her new ones, and he would read them to her when her anxiety made it difficult to sleep. If there was any way he could show her she was still deeply loved he was going to find it.

There were nights, though, when just reading to her didn’t help. He’d sit and hold her while she cried herself to sleep unable to voice what was causing her anguish. He wondered on those nights if she was remembering the life she used to have and grieving what she’d lost. He rocked her gently, soothing her with his words, humming a lullaby she used to sing to Noah in hopes that would strike something in her that let her know she was safe. 

She confided in him one day that she didn’t like one of her doctors. Decades of SVU experience caused alarm bells to go off in his mind, but she assured him that the doctor didn’t hurt her. She just didn’t trust the man; something about him made her nervous. 

When he found out the reason was because the doctor’s last name was Harris, and his eyes were the same color as another of Olivia’s demons, Elliot wanted to ban him from the room even though he knew he couldn’t. 

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to the staff when Elliot explained PTSD and demanded that the doctor only see Olivia if Elliot could be in the room. His protectiveness of her was something that was obvious to anyone that crossed paths with them. It always had been. 

Including Olivia, who held his hand tight when the doctor came in, instinctively knowing she was safe long after she’d forgotten Elliot’s name. She still knew he would protect her, and he had to hold onto that. 

Every moment he had left with her was precious, and he didn’t want to take her unwavering trust in him for granted.

X

The nurses let him help her shower, and he was incredibly gentle as he washed her hair. They told him she never wanted anyone else to do it. She’d tell them she wanted to wait for her friend, the nice man with the flowers, because he did it the best. Best hair washer was not a title he ever expected to get, but he was devoted to caring for her in whatever way he still could. He washed her hair, learned to paint nails and apply makeup, anything for the excuse to touch her. 

Eventually, it got to where she couldn’t remember how to use a fork, and he was there with a steady hand and encouragement, feeding her spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and whatever else she wanted. 

No matter who he was to her now, she was his wife, and he was not going to stop treating her as such. 

Her eyes still lit up when she saw him come into her room, and every time it made him fall in love with her all over again. 

Some days she didn’t speak or look at him, or do much of anything other than stare in space, but she let him hold her hand. He could feel her fingers clutch tightly to his, and it meant the world to him. 

She did get angry with him at times, accusing him of stealing something from her room.

It didn’t matter though. Nothing she said or did would ever make him leave her. 

X

There were days when he wondered if she remembered more than the doctors said. 

He wanted to cry when she asked him for orange juice one morning, wishing nothing more to believe that she remembered, but the hope was extinguished just as quickly as it was ignited. 

The doctors had to keep explaining to him that she wouldn’t recover, but he didn’t know how to accept it. He refused to accept it. Accepting it meant accepting that one day he would lose her completely. He didn’t know how he would ever go on without her, and he didn’t want to think about it. Sure, he prayed that he would be the first to pass so she wouldn’t have to bear the pain of him leaving again, but he didn’t know how he would cope with losing her either. 

“You don’t know my Liv.” He would say because it was the truth. They didn’t see her the way he did, and he still saw her heart. He knew she was still in there somewhere. 

“She’s not your Liv anymore, Mr. Stabler. She’s not the same.”

“She’s my wife until the day I die. No prognosis is gonna change that. When she wakes up in the middle of the night she reaches for my hand, and I need her to know that if she ever looks behind her she will find me there because I have her back. I will always have her back.” He squeezed her hand while he stared the doctor down. “She’s my partner. Before she was my wife, or my love, or even my friend she was my partner, and that means everything whether you understand it or not.”

“I’m your partner?”

Elliot’s eyes softened, and he managed a small smile at the sound of Olivia’s voice. “Yes, baby. That’s right. You’re my partner.” He kissed their joined hands, repeating a decades old vow. “For better or worse.”

It became her new name for him since she no longer knew his. She would greet him with ‘Howdy partner’ when he came into her room. He didn’t complain. After all, it was their work partnership that brought them the precious years they had together. 

X

The baby boy she saved from the drawer nearly forty years ago was the final memory that left her, and it was only then that Elliot accepted, even though it killed him, that she would never recover. 

“Hey mama.” Noah smiled at her like he always did. “I brought you a new blanket, and some of that coffee you like with oat milk in it. There’s some for you too, dad. You guys deserve better than the slog they have here.”

“Oh, well that’s very sweet of you. How much do I owe you?” she asked. 

Noah chuckled. “Mom, you don’t need to pay me.”

“Well what shop do you work for, young man? Is there a senior discount for free coffee?”

He shared a look with Elliot, swallowing a lump in his throat as tears burned the back of his eyes. The devastation on their faces was mirrored. 

Elliot covered her with the blanket, kissing the top of her head while Noah handed her the coffee. Both men excused themselves and promised her they’d be right back before going out into the hallway. 

Elliot and Olivia had raised their kids to feel safe expressing their emotions. They taught them there was no shame in crying, that it didn’t make them weak. Noah always knew he could come to them when he had a problem, and that was why he didn’t hesitate to let his tears fall, or to accept his father’s tight hug. 

“She’s my mom.”

“I know, buddy. I’m sorry.”

“She saved me.” He sniffled into Elliot’s shoulder. “She’s my mom, and she doesn’t know me.”

“She still loves you. She’s still in there.”

“They act like she’s no one anymore! She’s my mom. She’s your wife. ”

“She is. You’re right. They don’t know her like we do, and all we can do is keep loving her.” Elliot spoke soothingly. “That’s all we can do, and we just–we have to hope that it helps her somehow.”

“Do you think it does?”

“I do, son.” Elliot thought about the unwavering trust and safety she still seemed to feel with him.  He thought of the  way that even though she didn’t smile as much as she used to she saved her biggest smiles for him and their kids long after she’d forgotten their names. “I really do.”

X

They cried together for a little longer before going back into Olivia’s room, feeling calm when she greeted them with a smile. 

“Someone brought this coffee by. It’s pretty good.”

Her boys sat down on either side of her, kissing the top of her head and wrapping their arms across the back of her chair. 

Noah put his hand over hers when he noticed her own hand shaking as she held the cup, and he brought it up to her lips so she could sip. 

“I’m glad you like it.”

The nurse aide had brought breakfast for her, and Elliot lifted the lid from the plate. “You wanna have some eggs, sweetheart?”

“Well I am feeling a little hungry.”

Noah waited till Olivia had swallowed the bite Elliot gave her and then cut up her orange slices. “Here’s some fruit, mama.”

They took turns feeding her, wiping her mouth with a napkin, and giving her more coffee when she asked for it. 

“That was good.” She handed Elliot a blueberry muffin she hadn’t touched yet. “Here. You haven’t eaten all day.”

He smiled, remembering all the times they would share food. “I’m alright. Why don’t we save that for later if you’re full.”

“You two have been so nice to me, and you don’t even know me. It’s the least I can do.”

Noah’s voice cracked when he responded. “How about we share it, mama?” He cut the muffin into thirds, passing part of it to Elliot. “That way we can all have some.”

“Well, I suppose that would be okay.” 

Before he did anything else, Noah pulled her in for a hug, leaning his head on her shoulder and squeezing gently. “I love you, mama.” 

She didn’t respond, and they knew she wouldn’t, but she did smile and rest her hand on top of his. 

Elliot leaned his head against hers. “We both love you very much, Olivia.”

She smiled at him before speaking. “You two must really be starving. Come on, eat.”

They ate the muffin together, feeling a sense of peace in knowing that while memories can fade, love never would. 

Chapter Text

She didn’t call him back until a week after he’d left her a voicemail and part of him was frustrated at the feeling that she was pushing him away. The heavy exhaustion in her tone reminded him that after ten years of dodging her phone calls he didn’t have the right to be annoyed. 

“Hey.” 

“Hey, you alright?” he asked softly. 

Olivia sighed, hesitating for a moment before she responded. “Not really. No.” She cleared her throat. “So you’re back, huh?” 

A hint of a smile formed on his lips at her quick deflection. “Yeah, I’ve been back about a week now.” 

“For how long this time?” Her tone was clipped, and he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Liv-“

“I’m sorry. I didn’t call to start a fight.” 

“Olivia, what’s going on?” 

“Are you busy?” 

He wasn’t, technically. His asshole brother had just gone back to his hotel, his mother was asleep, and he was planning on distracting himself with a case file to keep from thinking about the words Randall had said. 

You know we are getting to the end, right? 

He refused to accept it. Just like he refused to accept the idea of his mother going into a care facility. 

The insinuation from his older brother that he was just like his father was eating away at him too because he knew he hadn’t been the best father or partner lately,  if ever.

“No, mama’s asleep.” 

“Oh, well I can call back-“ 

“Olivia, what do you need?” 

The sincerity in his tone seemed to break her resolve, either that, or she was too exhausted to argue. “Can I come over?” 

“Of course.” He replied without hesitation. “Have you eaten?”

“I had cereal this morning.” 

Elliot’s response was a disapproving grunt. “Liv-“ 

“I’m not hungry.” 

He could hear the emotion in her voice. “Tough case?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it over the phone.” 

“Are you sure you’re ok to drive? I can come to you.” 

“No, I’ll be fine. I need to get out of the city. I can’t shut my mind off in this apartment.” 

“Why don’t I pick you up?” 

“El,” she groaned. “I’m a grown woman and an NYPD Captain. I’m not one of your daughters.

“I know that, but you’re someone I-“ He stopped short of adding love to his sentence. He had a feeling that wouldn’t go over well tonight. “You’re my partner, and I know I’ve done a shit job of showing it lately, but I’m here for you. I wanna be a man you can come to, a man you can rely on.” A man you will allow to take care of you. “I know I’ve given you plenty of reasons not to trust me.” 

“I do trust you.” 

“You do?” He replied doubtfully, but a spark of hope filled his chest. 

“With my safety? My well-being? Always. That’s never changed.” 

“But not with your heart?” The minute the words came out of his mouth he cursed himself for fear they may make her run. 

“I’m too tired to get into that tonight.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m getting there. I’m closer than I was a year ago, but that’s too heavy of a conversation for tonight, ok?” 

He swallowed, nodding even though she couldn’t see him. “Yeah, I get that.” 

The line stayed connected, but  the only sound that came through was the elevator of her building and her car starting. 

“I did miss you, Elliot. A lot.” Her voice was quiet but sincere. “It’ll be good to see you.” 

“I missed you too, Liv. Drive safe.” 

Elliot smiled softly. Maybe they both just needed their partner tonight.

X

The grin on his face when he heard her knock on the door quickly fell, and his brows furrowed in concern when he saw her. “You look like hell.” 

“Stop with the sweet talk.” 

Elliot opened his arms for her, knowing fully well that she may consider that too much tonight too. “C’mere.” 

She didn’t consider it too much. She sagged against him without hesitation. “I’m glad you’re home, El.” 

They wrapped their arms around each other tightly, and he felt Olivia inhale deeply, breathing him in to center herself. He stroked a hand through her hair. “Me too. When was the last time you slept, Benson?” 

She mumbled something against his neck, and he chuckled, kissing her temple before he could talk himself out of it.

“Hmm?” The hand that wasn’t tangled in her hair massaged her lower back, and he felt her tense muscles relax under his touch.

Olivia picked her head up off his shoulder, nestling back against him after she spoke. “What is sleep?” 

Elliot sighed heavily. “I hear ya.” 

His tone made her pause, and she pulled back, laying a hand on his chest. “Hard week?” 

He swallowed and nodded. “You could say that.” 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“Don’t worry about me. You’ve already got enough to worry about.” 

“Elliot-“ 

“Liv, please just-“ 

“Ok, well are we gonna just stand in your doorway the whole night, or do I get to come in?”

His warm smile returned. “Come on in, partner. Let’s get some food in you.” 

She rolled her eyes. “I told you I wasn’t hungry. I’m too exhausted to eat, and I don’t need a lecture about taking care of myself. I haven’t even had time to shower in three days. I know I look like a mess.”

“You’re beautiful.” 

“Oh shut up. You said yourself that I look like hell.” 

“You look like this week took a lot out of you, and you aren’t gonna be able to stand much longer, but you’re still beautiful to me. Always. I don’t care if that’s too much for tonight. It’s the truth.” He knew things between them had to be at her pace, but he still wanted to love and cherish her the way she deserved. “Listen, you’re the most badass person I know, but you aren’t a superhero. You gotta find time for yourself too.”

 “Does coming to see my old partner count as time for myself?” 

“It can, yeah. If you tell him what he can do to help you.” 

“You got a time machine, Doctor Stabler? 

“Afraid I can’t offer you that, but I do have a big shower.” 

Olivia narrowed her eyes. “Is that your way of telling me I smell like shit?” 

“Never. I value my life.” 

She gave him a look before continuing. “Well you were right about the standing thing. My back is killing me.” 

He guided her over to the couch and stretched an arm across the back cushions. “This ok?”

She sat down closer than he was expecting and leaned against his side. “Perfect.” She snuggled deeper, laying her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. 

“You want some Tylenol for your back?” He spoke in a gentle tone. 

“I think it just needs to rest.” 

“Ok.” He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, allowing his lips to linger in her hair. “Wanna tell me why you aren’t sleeping?”

She shook her head, but didn’t move away from him. “It’s nothing. Just nightmares. They’ve been bad lately. This case seems to be bringing things back to the surface.”

“That’s not nothing. Did you tell your shrink?” 

“I did. He suggested this new therapy. EMDR. He thought it might help. I just started it, so it’s too early to tell if it’s making a difference or not.” 

He didn’t know if the therapy was helping her, but the more she relaxed against him the more he dared to hope his voice was. “Wanna tell me about your case?” 

“You sure you want those images in your head?” 

“Olivia, I worked those cases with you for thirteen years.” 

“I know, but you left that world, Elliot.” 

He nodded. “I did, but I didn’t. Not fully. I still care, Liv. You know that.”

Rita Lasku was proof of that. SVU would always be at his core, in his blood. 

Olivia thankfully seemed to agree. “I do know that.” She lifted her head from his shoulder and cupped his cheek. “You have a beard again.” 

Elliot gave her a knowing smirk. “That’s a good left turn.” 

“Don’t be an ass.” She glared at him. “Are you gonna shave?” 

“Do you want me to shave?” 

“Would it matter if I did?” 

His smirk turned into a soft, loving grin. “Course, it would.” 

Olivia returned his smile and stroked the bristles on his chin. “I don’t hate it.” 

“But, you don’t love it?” 

“It’s just not you. That’s all.” 

Elliot nodded. “Alright. As soon as this operation is over I’ll shave.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “El-“

“What? Those dime sized pupils can get me to do anything.”

She laughed and buried her face back in his neck. “Stop.”

“I’m serious. Try it. Tell me to do something else.” 

“Hire a gardener?” 

“Hey!” Elliot feigned offense. “It’s not that bad.” 

“It could be better.” 

“Since when are you a green thumb?” 

“I’m not, but I have eyes.” 

“Prettiest damn eyes I’ve ever seen.” He murmured into her hair before he could stop himself.

“Are you flirting with me, Detective?” 

“What would you say if I was, Captain?” 

“I would say that flattery-” she yawned and stretched before snuggling back against him. “Flattery will not clean up whatever you call that thing on your patio.” 

He laughed. “That’s cold, Benson” He wondered if she was asleep when the only response she gave was a contented hum. Her eyes were closed, and he could feel her steady breaths against his neck. 

“…Should’ve been me.” She mumbled after awhile, and he wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or dreaming. 

“Hmm?” 

“The van. I saw her in the van. I saw Maddie, and I knew something was off, and I didn’t stop them. I just… Noah was in the car with me and-“ 

It hit him that she was talking about the case. “What is it you think you were supposed to do? Get into a police chase with your son in the passenger seat?” 

“Of course not!” She lifted her head and turned away from him, still leaning against his side. “But I should’ve done something. I should’ve trusted my gut.” 

“Olivia-“ 

“My squad thinks I’m losing it. Even Fin. They think I’m crazy.” 

“You’re not.” 

“Maybe I am. I mean I’ve been working SVU for twenty-five years, and the past few it feels like the brass is pushing me to retire. Noah’s almost grown up, and I’ve missed so much of his life. I don’t understand what’s happening to me, El. I haven’t had a flare up this bad in years.” 

“The PTSD?” 

She nodded. “Is that a sign? Do you think that’s a sign I’ve been doing this too long? Is my judgment not good anymore? Am I getting too old for this?” 

“We’ve both been doing this for too long.” He attempted to lighten the mood but continued when she glared at him. “It’s not a linear process. You know that, and in case no one has told you lately I’m so damn proud of you. You still have some of the best instincts in the NYPD. The brass should be glad to still have people like us with decades of experience. Screw their ageist bullshit. Getting older doesn’t make you less of a cop. It’s not a sign of anything other than you’re stressed, and you need to take better care of yourself.” 

Olivia scoffed, but turned towards him again, resting her hand on his chest. “You don’t think I’m losing it, or that I should retire?” 

“No.” He spoke softly, reaching for the pendant resting over her heart. “I do think my compass isn’t doing its job though.” 

She huffed out a laugh. “It led me here tonight. I’d say it’s helping a little.”

Elliot kissed her temple when she laid her head back down onto his shoulder. “Good. Listen, retirement should be a decision you make yourself because you feel like you’re ready. You shouldn’t do it just because a few assholes think you should.” 

“Even though my own sergeant doesn’t trust my judgment anymore?” 

“Fin still trusts you, Liv. How could he not?” 

“You didn’t hear him.” 

“Maybe he’s just worried about you.” 

“Yeah, worried that I’ve lost my marbles.” 

He paused before continuing, not wanting to say the wrong thing. “We’ve all had cases get to us. We’ve all had ones we couldn’t shake. They  eat us up and make us need to take a step back to see clearly.” 

“That’s not what’s happening. I can see just fine,” she snapped. “I’m getting sick of being talked to like I’m a rookie. I’ve been doing this since Velasco and Bruno were Noah’s age.” 

“I know that. I just mean-“ 

“I know what I’m doing. I know how to do my job. I’m a good cop, Elliot.” 

She had said the same thing to him a lifetime ago on one of their first cases together, and he meant his reply now as much as he did then. “I know that.” 

“But, I made a mistake.  A mistake that could cost an innocent fifteen year-old girl her life, and I don’t know how to get over that.” 

“It’s not on you.” 

“Isn’t it?” 

He shook his head. “You didn’t abduct her. You didn’t drug her.” 

“I didn’t help her. She looked right at me, and I didn’t do anything to help her.” 

Something clicked in his mind, and his heart broke for her even more than it already had. “Officer Hamilton.”

”Excuse me?” 

“The uni that Lewis killed when he stopped the car. That’s why this case is hitting you so hard.” 

She sat up fully, moving away from him. “You do think I’m crazy then. You think I’m making this whole thing up because of my PTSD.” 

“I don’t think that at all, baby. I think what happened with the van triggered a very real response in you because you think you should’ve done what that uni did back then.”

”What are you, my shrink?” 

“I’m your partner.” He cursed himself when she stood up, hugging herself and walking to the kitchen. “We don’t have to talk about it. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry.” 

For what felt like several minutes, the only sound was the hum of the refrigerator, until he heard her inhale shakily. “He stopped for me. Jimmy. That was his name. Officer Jimmy Hamilton. He was young. He had kids.  I remember seeing his wife at the trial for his murder, and I just felt so guilty knowing that her husband was dead because of me.” 

“Because of Lewis.” Elliot corrected firmly. “Not because of you.” 

“I was in the back.” Her voice quivered, and he knew she was stubbornly fighting tears. “Lewis had stopped at a hardware store and gotten the tarp. I thought he’d lock me in the trunk again, but he put me on the floor of the back of the car. I was terrified. I hadn’t heard another car for miles. I didn’t know where he was taking me, and I hadn’t seen any sign anyone was looking. I wondered if they’d even be able to find my body when he was done.” 

Her words turned Elliot’s veins to ice. She turned but didn’t look at him. He could see her fingers wrapped around the compass as if she was using it to ground herself. The sight made him want to go to her so she could hold onto him instead, but he knew he needed to let her set the pace. She was opening up to him, and he didn’t want to push her. 

“I mean… my neighbors didn’t notice. They didn’t hear me screaming. They didn’t notice a man throwing a pile of bed sheets into the trunk of a car in the middle of the night.” 

He had heard this before. She’d told him about the four days of hell she experienced, but it still gutted him. 

“The hardware store? It was New York City. Not exactly the redneck capitol of the world. New York fucking City, and no one is suspicious of a guy buying tarp, duct tape, and a blowtorch? Come on.” Anger was dripping from her tone, but Elliot could hear the pain too. “The longer he drove the more it felt like I was never gonna get away, and it just seemed to make him more confident and careless.” 

She trailed off and Elliot quickly spoke up to remind her he was there. “But all perps mess up eventually-“ 

“So he drove through a red light.” Olivia walked over to the thermostat, pressing a few buttons. “It’s hot in here.” 

It wasn’t, but if she needed to adjust the temperature of his apartment to help her through what she was trying to tell him, he would gladly deal with the cold. 

She walked closer to him then, sitting in a chair next to the couch. Her eyes were glassy, and she sniffled before she spoke again. “When I heard the sirens, and I realized the car was slowing down, that was the first time since I came home to find Lewis in my apartment that I dared to hope that maybe it was over. I couldn’t speak. My mouth was taped shut, and I was in and out of consciousness, but I remember almost wanting to laugh when Hamilton told Lewis he had run a red light. I mean here’s this psychopath that has managed to evade prosecution at every turn, and his luck is finally running out because he broke a basic traffic law while he was holding an NYPD Detective captive. I was still terrified, especially for the uni, but there was a part of me that was so relieved. There was a part of me that could see it ending with him in handcuffs, and me making a remark about how maybe he should’ve reviewed the driver’s-ed manual. A fellow cop lost his life, and I was relieved that someone had put themselves in danger for me. What does that say about me?” 

“It doesn’t say anything other than you were in fear for your life, and you thought someone had finally come to help you. That’s not something you should be ashamed of.” He cleared his throat when she didn’t respond. “Olivia, did the driver of the van you saw Maddie in run a red light?” 

“No.” 

“Did he break any other traffic laws? Had the van been reported stolen?” 

“That’s not the point. You’re missing the point.” She stood up again, pacing in front of the couch. “Someone stopped for me , Elliot. A cop stopped for me-“ 

“Because of a traffic violation. He stopped a car because of a traffic violation. I’m not saying he didn’t care, Olivia. I’m saying that the difference is the initial reason Officer Hamilton stopped the car you were in.” 

“Yeah, initially. Initially it was because of the red light, but I saw him. He looked in the back of the car, and I could see it in his eyes. He knew something wasn’t right. He wasn’t buying Lewis’s charm like the hardware store cashier apparently did. He might not have seen me, but he saw something, and he didn’t want to leave until he knew what it was. If Lewis hadn’t killed him-“ 

“So say you had gone up to the van and asked why there was a teenage girl in the front seat, and the son of the bitch shot you in the head. Would that have been better for Maddie? Was it better for you?” 

“No, but-“ 

“Because not only would she not be any closer to being rescued, but she would be living with the guilt that isn’t hers to carry of knowing another person died at the hands of the monster who abducted her. Instead, in this case, someone did see her. Someone who is alive to  find out where she is and bring her safely back home. How many times over the years did we start with nothing? You have a description of the vehicle and the perp. Your squad had a description of Lewis, but the vehicle? How many times did that bastard change cars? The one person with the knowledge of that particular vehicle died before he could report it. It took your squad two days to realize you were missing. You saw Maddie the same day she was taken.” 

Olivia shook her head, but Elliot continued. “Let’s say Officer Hamilton was off duty. He had his kid with him. They were on their way home. He sees Lewis’s car. He has no idea who either of you are. He just sees a man and a woman in a car. Even if he did know Lewis. Say he knew exactly how dangerous he was. Would you have wanted him to confront him with his child just a few feet away?” 

“Of course not. Lewis would’ve killed the kid too. It was why I was so nervous for Viva and Luisa.” 

“Exactly. You would’ve wanted him to stay in the car, get his kid home, and then when he heard someone talk about the detective who was missing and who the perp was he could’ve went to the 1-6 with a description of the car and a general direction of where he thought it might’ve been heading.” 

“Now you’re comparing apples to oranges. George from Canada isn’t William Lewis.” 

“A scumbag is a scumbag. You have no way of knowing that you stopping that van would’ve ended any differently than Officer Hamilton stopping the car.” 

“He trusted his gut, and I should’ve trusted mine.” 

“You did trust your gut.” Elliot stood up, cupping her shoulders gently. “Look at me. You are only human. Just because you didn’t realize Maddie needed help doesn’t mean you aren’t still one of the best Captains in the city. It doesn’t mean you aren’t the best person she could possibly have working her case right now. I know there are no guarantees with this job, but worst case scenario you don’t find her in time, but you find him and you make him pay. Best case scenario? You find her, and you bring her home, and whatever happened to her she’ll get through it. Just like you did.” 

 “Did I? Because it’s been ten years, and I’m still-“ 

“You’re under a lot of stress, you haven’t slept, and I’m not saying it’s just gonna go away. We’ve worked these cases long enough to know it doesn’t work that way. Liv, there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that if you’d seen someone duct taped in the back of a car with tarp over them, if you’d seen a man in the car that resembled a perp whose face had been in the news for weeks, that you wouldn’t have alerted your squad to it immediately, but that wasn’t what happened. Sure, you saw a girl in a delivery van, but she didn’t look hurt, she didn’t look restrained or upset. It’s not the same thing. I know you, but this isn’t your cross to bear, and you gotta find a way to forgive yourself if you’re gonna keep working this case. You know that.” 

“I don’t know how. I can’t stop thinking about…” 

“Tell me.” 

“I’m a trained police officer. I managed to get free, but she’s just a kid.” 

“Don’t downplay the torture you went through.” He replied sternly. “Being a cop doesn’t make what happened to you any less horrific.”

”I know that, but I got a little spark of hope when he made Lewis stop the car. I wish I could’ve given Maddie that. I wish I could’ve given her that brief moment to think she might be saved.” 

“You don’t know that you didn’t, and you don’t know that someone else won’t. Maybe the next person will be able to alert the police so you can find her. You had the housekeeper and her daughter. Maybe she will too. Again, you’re human. You’re holding yourself to an impossible standard that you should be able to save everyone before you know they’re in trouble. As much as we’d like to be able to do that? It’s not realistic.”

“I had already gotten free when they showed up.” 

“They provided you with a distraction so you could get free while Lewis went to the door. Cop or not maybe that’s all Maddie needs.” Elliot felt her shoulders relax as he pulled her into his arms. “Listen to me. You gotta stop beating yourself up for not knowing, and you gotta get some sleep, and a shower cause I love you, but you smell like shit.” 

She choked out a watery laugh. “Then why are you hugging me?” 

“Did you catch the other part of that sentence?” 

“El-“ 

“Shhh, you don’t have to say anything. Just come here.” He guided her over to the couch, picking up the throw draped over the back and laid it across their legs. 

Instead of pushing him away, she snuggled closer, laying her head in the crook of his neck with her hand over his heart. He wrapped his arms around her securely. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.” She told him.

”Anything I can do?” 

“Talk to me?” 

He kissed the crown of her head. “About what?” 

“Something happy.” 

He paused, thinking of something he could tell her, and smiling against her hair when a memory surfaced. “Have I ever told you about the time Mama, Randall, and I got stuck in a corn maze?” 

“That’s happy?” She raised an eyebrow.

”Do you want me to tell you or not?” 

She laughed and closed her eyes, trying to imagine him as a little kid at a pumpkin patch. “Fine. I’m listening.” 

In the last couple of weeks, he’d witnessed his mother’s health decline rapidly, reunited with his brothers, had a disastrous family dinner, had his sergeant get shot, and gotten suspended. His personal life was a clusterfuck he could do little about right now except one thing. 

Tonight, he could hold Olivia. She had come to him. She had a rough case and was exhausted, and came to him because she needed her partner. For a reason he didn’t know but was beyond thankful for she was accepting his comfort.

 Tonight, and for however long she would let him, he would hold her. He would give her reassurance, he’d remind her that he believed in her even when she felt like no one else did. Even when she didn’t believe in herself. He couldn’t go back and prevent the trauma she’d experienced while he was in Italy, but he could battle her inner demons with her, he could calm her nightmares, he could give her a safe, comfortable place to sleep. He could watch over her, and in this way he could love her. 

He told her a few more stories after that about funny things his own kids had done when they were young. It was risky, but he slipped in a story or two from his time in Italy as well. There was a part of him that worried she’d push him away, move away from him again, but she seemed to be completely relaxed against him. 

When he hadn’t heard her speak in awhile, he looked down to see that she was fast asleep on his shoulder, and the sight made his heart burst. She was sleeping hard, and there was a little spot of drool on his shirt where her mouth was resting. He suspected she may be embarrassed about that when she woke up, but he didn’t give a shit about it.  She looked more at ease than she had in a long time. 

His beautiful, fierce, badass, compassionate partner was sleeping peacefully against him. Her long locks were draped across his arm. Her even breaths warmed the skin of his neck. She was perfect, and she was wearing his compass, and he loved her so damn much always, but this? Seeing her so relaxed in his arms meant the world to him. He never thought she’d let him love her this way, and he wasn’t gonna take it for granted. 

He unfolded the blanket more so it was covering her whole body and pressed his lips to her hair lightly, speaking words he hoped would lift the weight from her shoulders. 

“You can rest now, Liv. I’ve got you.” 

Chapter Text

She could say they never saw it coming, but that wouldn’t be true. Their doctor had warned them for months that her husband’s blood pressure was trending dangerously high, and the medicine didn’t seem to be working. They knew there was a history of heart disease in the Stabler family on Joe’s side, and the lifetime of stress Elliot had dealt with didn’t help.

So it wasn’t that she didn’t see it coming. It was more that she couldn’t bear the thought of her loving husband, her devoted partner for life who had been healthy for nearly all the years she’d known him, having an illness that could take him from her. 

He had the first heart attack in December while shoveling their driveway. Their kids told them he was too old to be exerting himself like that, but he kept insisting. Olivia had a doctor’s appointment the next day, and Elliot wanted the path to be clear for her. He may be in his eighties, but that wasn’t going to keep him from taking care of his wife. 

“Elliot, let one of the kids do it! Or we’ll hire someone for God’s sake! You’re gonna kill your self out there!” Olivia scolded, holding his hand tight as she sat at his hospital bedside. The moment she had looked out the window and seen him collapse in their front yard was one of the most terrifying moments of her life. Her voice shook with emotion, and unlike in her younger years, she didn’t bother to hide it.  “You’ve gotta slow down. Please. I’m not ready to lose you.” 

“You’re not gonna lose me.” He had promised her thirty years ago that he would never leave her again, and he intended to keep that promise as long as he could. 

She cupped his cheek with her hand. “You heard the doctor. You are at a high risk of a bigger heart attack or a stroke, and next time you may need surgery, or-or worse.” 

He took the hand that was squeezing his own and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly, and wiping away a tear on her cheek. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’ll slow down. I promise.” 

She gave him a tearful smile. “You can’t ignore this the way we both ignored the NYPD’s mandatory retirement rule for as long as we could.” 

Elliot tried to laugh, but the movement caused a coughing fit. Olivia quickly handed him a cup of water. 

“Drink.” 

“Yes, Captain.” He grinned with the fond look he always saved just for her. They may be old and gray now, but some things would never change.

She leaned closer, kissing him sweetly. “I love you so much, El.”

”Not as much as I love you.” 

She spent the next several minutes just looking at him, listening to his breathing, feeling his heartbeat with her hand. They were both close to ninety now. Her hair was white, her arthritis had her needing a cane to get around. He had lost his hair decades ago, that wasn’t new, but his thinner frame was, along with the oxygen tube helping him take in air. Neither of them liked to think about the fact that their time with each other was running out. 

They were the last surviving of the crew they used to work SVU with. Fin had passed just last summer, Munch and Cragen years before. 

She wished she could turn back the clock, give them more time together, because she knew it would never feel like enough. They’d had a beautiful life. Thirty-five years of being able to love each other the way they’d always wanted. Truthfully, they had loved each other for almost sixty. The ten years they were apart didn’t change that. 

The nurse knocked on the door, announcing that visiting hours were almost over. 

”He’s my husband. I’m not leaving him.” 

“I’ll be alright, Liv.” 

“You’re right, you will be because I’m staying right here. You’re my partner.” 

He grinned, turning his attention to the nurse. “Eighty-seven years old, and she’s still as stubborn as the day I met her.” 

“You’re damn right I am,” she replied, prompting him to take another drink of water when he cleared his throat.  

“Mrs. Stabler, I promise we will take good care of your husband.” 

“I’m glad to hear that, and I’m still staying.” 

“We just feel that at your age it would be best-“ 

“Oh, don’t give me that age crap. I’m a retired, decorated police captain. My bones may not be what they used to be, but I assure you I am not too old to have my partner’s back.” 

“Mama.” A new voice came from the doorway, but Olivia didn’t falter.

”Noah Benson-Stabler, if you're here to take me home, you are wasting your time.” She narrowed her eyes at her son. 

“We can come back in the morning.” Noah picked up her cane and coat, extending his arm to help her up. “I gotta work tomorrow, but Kathleen will bring you back first thing in the morning. I promise. You need to take your medicine and get some sleep.” 

“I’m fine.” She dismissed him. “I’m not leaving your father.” 

“Olivia, I promise I’ll be alright.” The wheeze in his chest when he spoke didn’t make for a convincing argument. “One of us should get to sleep in a comfortable bed tonight.” 

“I-“ She allowed Noah to help her stand but didn’t take her eyes off of Elliot. “What if you need me?” 

“Then they’ll call you. Just like you told me when I tried to stay after you broke your hip three years ago if I remember right.” Elliot teased. 

“Well.” She let go of his hand momentarily to zip up her coat. “Cragen never split us up. What makes them think they can?” 

“We were his best detectives and their worst patients.” He chuckled. “Noah, bring your mother over here so I can give her a goodnight kiss.” 

Olivia laughed, remembering the early days of their life partnership when their affection for each other would’ve embarrassed her then adolescent son. Now, she hoped that their love had set an example for his own marriage. 

She leaned down, kissing her husband softly, and just like the first time it was like they were the only two in the room. “That better not be the last one of those I get. You hear me, Elliot Stabler?” 

“It won’t be.” He used every bit of strength he had to lift his head up and kiss her again. “Sweet dreams, my love.” 

“You be nice to the nurses.” She said after giving his hand one last squeeze.

”I’m always nice.” He grumbled, turning to Noah. “You get her home safe, son.” 

“I will, Dad.” 

It warmed Olivia’s heart every time she was reminded that Elliot’s protectiveness of her was one of the precious few things age couldn’t take away even when it felt like it was taking everything else. 

X

They managed to have a good few months after Elliot’s health scare. Their kids and grandkids already saw them when they could, but they came by more often when Elliot got home from the hospital, wanting to spend as much time with him and Olivia as they could. 

He had a stent put in his heart in June after the doctor noticed another blockage in his arteries and warned that he could have another heart attack if something wasn’t done. Olivia was worried that surgery would be too dangerous at his age, but Elliot argued that it was worth the risk. There were no guarantees, but he wanted his energy back, and most of all he wanted more time with her and their family. 

The operation did seem to help a little. He wasn’t quite as tired, and though he still looked more frail than he used to, he felt better than he had in a long time. 

They went to Maureen and Carl’s for his eighty-ninth birthday celebration in October. It was a good day. The sun was shining, and laughter filled the yard as they watched their great-grandchildren play in the leaves. They had eaten, and Elliot had opened his gifts. He hadn’t hinted at not feeling well, but when they were sitting on the deck, she heard him grunt as if he were in pain.

“El, what’s wrong?” 

“Just a little headache.” Her face must have shown her panic because he quickly continued. “It’s probably nothing, baby. I’m gonna go get some water.” He tried to stand, but stumbled. 

“Elliot!” 

“I’m alright.” 

“You are not. Sit back down, you stubborn son of a bitch,” she scolded. Her own heart was pounding. 

He opened his mouth to say more but was struggling to get the words out. “L-Liv. Livia-“ 

“Maureen! Mo, honey, call an ambulance. Your father is having a stroke.” She cradled Elliot’s head to her chest when Maureen went inside to make the call. “Help is on the way, El. Just stay with me. Please stay with me.”

She prayed to whoever was listening that this wasn’t the end. 

X

She watched him sleep from the chair next to his bed like she’d done so many times now that they were getting older and each moment they got was precious. The sounds from the monitors he was hooked up to were deafening, and she placed her hand over his heart, needing to feel each beat, needing to see each breath he took. 

He was alive. 

He may have a long road to recovery, and they still didn’t know the full extent of the damage the stroke had caused, but he was alive, and that was what mattered. 

Their whole family was there, though the grandkids were in the waiting room because the hospital staff didn’t want the room to be too crowded. Maureen and Carl sat on the couch, and the twins stood across from the bed. Kathleen sat on the other side of Elliot, holding his hand. Noah sat behind Olivia with his hands on her shoulders, which she was grateful for when the nurse asked if they would like the hospital chaplain to come in. 

“For what?” Olivia snapped. “He’s not dying!” She felt hands squeeze her shoulders, her hand that wasn’t clasped in Elliot’s, and rub her back as a sob escaped her. “I’m sorry.” 

“Dad would want-“ Maureen’s voice cracked when she spoke. “Dad would want a prayer. He deserves one.” 

Elliot’s faith was a huge part of him, and while Olivia may not share it, she’d always tried to honor it. “He does. You’re right. I’m just-I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok, Liv.” Kathleen assured her. “It’s alright.” 

Even though decades had gone by since Kathy’s death, this was a time when Olivia wondered if she really fit in with this family that she loved so much. Kathy had been Catholic like Elliot. She would understand the need for a bedside prayer. 

The kids had never treated Olivia and Noah like outcasts, but part of her wondered if she should leave and let them have private time with their father. Time to be the family they were before she came along. 

She closed her eyes to fight back the tears as she forced herself to let go of Elliot’s hand. ”I’ll have Noah take me to the waiting room.” 

“You’ve been a part of this family since Elizabeth and I were toddlers, Olivia.” Richard interrupted her. “We want you here. We all want you here.” 

“We need each other to get through this, and Dad needs all of us.” Elizabeth agreed.  

Olivia looked at Maureen, who gave her a tearful smile. “We love you. Both of you.” 

“Family isn’t about blood, Mom. You taught me that.” Noah reminded her, and she saw Eli nodding out of the corner of her eye. 

She took Elliot’s hand in her own again, sitting back down slowly. “I love you all so much.” 

A familiar groan broke them out of their thoughts as Elliot stirred. 

“Where am I?” 

“You’re at the hospital, Daddy.” Kathleen squeezed his hand. “We’re all right here. You’re gonna be okay.” 

He looked over at Olivia before responding. “One would think I was already in Heaven since there’s an angel beside me.” 

Tearful laughter filled the room, and Olivia leaned forward to put her head against his cheek. “Not yet, but if you scare me like that again, I’ll put you in the ground myself.” 

“Never doubted your ability to kick my ass, Liv.” 

Hearing his voice after she’d been so scared she was losing him made her nearly sob again. His words were a bit slurred, but it was his voice. The voice she’d loved for as long as she could remember. 

He stayed awake for a while before he started nodding off again. The chaplain came in to deliver a prayer of healing, and Kathleen and Noah managed to sweet talk the nurses into extending visiting hours. 

Elliot’s facial muscles had been weakened by the stroke, but his lopsided smile when she leaned down to give him a goodnight kiss meant the world to her. “I love you.” 

“Love you so much. Always. Even after I’m gone, baby. Don’t you ever forget that.” 

“Don’t talk like that. Please don’t talk like you’re dying.” 

The doctors were concerned though. She could tell, but the thought that her partner’s health was declining, the thought that she may not have much time left with him, was too much to bear. She wondered if he could tell, too. She hoped he wasn’t in too much pain. She didn’t want him to suffer, but she didn’t know how to let him go. 

He broke into a coughing fit before he could speak again. “Just wanna make sure you know how much I love you. I love each one of you.” 

His kids returned the sentiment, taking turns hugging him with tearful goodbyes. 

Noah took Olivia back over to the bed one last time at her request, helping her lean back down and kiss Elliot again. ”Good night, sweetheart.” 

“Night, beautiful.” 

X

Heart failure.

Olivia hated that term. She especially hated it being used in regards to the love of her life. 

Elliot Stabler was many things, but above all he was one of the most tender-hearted people she had ever known. Sure, he’d had moments where his temper had gotten the better of him, but to his family, his friends, and the hundreds of victims they’d worked with he was incredibly gentle, loving, and protective. He was loyal, he was forgiving, he loved with his entire heart, and he made sure those he held dear felt treasured. 

“You don’t know my husband.” She glared at the doctor. “He does not have a bad heart.”

 ”Olivia-“ Elliot started, and she turned to him.

”It’s not right, El. He should come up with a different name for it. Your heart is not bad. I love your heart.” 

The doctor gave them a sympathetic look. “Mrs. Stabler, I know it’s not easy to hear, but-“ 

“No! No, because if you’re telling me his heart is failing, then you’re telling me I’m gonna lose him, and I can’t-“ 

Elliot tried to interrupt again. “Honey-“ 

“I know. I know, just—just stop calling it a bad heart, ok?” She told the doctor.  “It’s not true. There are a lot of evil people in this world, a lot of bad hearts. Elliot Stabler isn’t one of them.” 

Denial is one of the stages of grief, and Olivia supposed that was where she was. Denial because she didn’t know how to come to terms with what the diagnosis really meant, and she didn’t want to.

She knew medically that her husband was eighty-nine, and eighty-nine year-old hearts were weaker than thirty year old hearts, but she didn’t care. She had loved his heart at thirty. She loved it still at eighty-nine. She would love it until her own heart gave out. Sure, maybe medically it was a bad heart now, but it was still the heart she trusted the most, the heart that had loved her the longest and most fiercely, and the heart that felt like home.

”Can I have a minute alone with my wife, please?” 

The stroke had weakened his legs enough that he needed a wheelchair, but he was able to push himself with his arms over to the chair Olivia was sitting in, and he squeezed her hands when he did so. The doctor stepped out, and Olivia looked into her husband’s tired eyes.

”El?” 

He sighed, stroking the backs of her hands with his thumbs. “I want you to call hospice when we get home.” 

She looked away, swallowing the lump in her throat. “The doctor said you might still have-“ 

“I know that, and I wanna spend that time, whether it’s two months or two years at home with you. I don’t wanna spend it in and out of the hospital, I don’t wanna spend it at a nursing home or rehab facility. I wanna spend it with the woman I love and our family.” 

She took a shaky breath, locking eyes with him again. “Even if they might be able to do something to-“

”You heard the doc. There’s not much else that can be done at this point that can’t be done from the comfort of our living room. I don’t wanna spend my last moments with you limited to hospital visiting hours, Olivia. I really don’t.” 

She sniffled. “I don’t want that either.” 

“I’m not ready to leave you. I’ll never be ready, but-“ 

“I hear you. I’ll call them. I promise.”

He gently wiped a tear from her cheek, allowing some of his own to fall. “I’m always gonna love you, sweetheart.”

“Always gonna love you.” She repeated. “Screw them for calling your heart bad. It’s the best one I know.” 

Elliot chuckled, kissing her hand. “Partners for better or worse, right?” 

“For better or worse.”

X

She watched the man who used to fight to save the city side by side with her slowly get weaker as the months went on. He slept a lot more since going into hospice care, and his appetite was much smaller than it used to be. Every time he fell asleep, she wondered in the back of her mind if it would be the last time, and every time he woke up she thanked a God she didn’t even believe in for not taking him from her yet. 

Two months before his ninetieth birthday, he and Olivia were on their porch. She sat on the porch swing, holding his hand. The weather was decent for a late August morning, and it seemed to be one of Elliot’s good days, so they both wanted to be outside. 

The hospice nurse had prepared her for signs of the end stage, things to look for, and the last couple weeks they had barely been able to get him out of bed. She felt her own heart stop when she looked over to see that Elliot had fallen asleep in the middle of their conversation, and his breathing was shallow. 

“Elliot? El, can you hear me?” She patted his cheek gently. It was frightening how it was getting harder and harder to wake him up. “Elliot?” She wondered if she should get the nurse after several unsuccessful tries to rouse him. She released a shaky breath when he stirred. “Hi, sweetheart.” 

“Livia?” 

“I’m here.” She squeezed his hand with both of hers. “You’re not in pain, are you? Are you hurting, El?” 

“No, baby. Just tired.” 

Her chest felt heavy with guilt. “I’m sorry. If you need to sleep, you can. I just—I got scared for a second.” She loved him dearly and felt selfish for not knowing how to let him go. She didn’t know how to say goodbye, but she hated to see him suffer.

“I’m alright. I wanna stay awake. I wanna talk to you.” 

“About what?” 

“About how I was right that night in your kitchen thirty some years ago when I told you it would all work out, and in your office when I said you could always fix things.”

She laughed at his smug expression. “You were. We’ve had a lot of good years together.” 

“We sure have.” He grinned tiredly.

”El, when—when it’s time, when you need to go… I don’t want you to suffer anymore. I’ll be ok. Eventually, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Just wait for me on the other side?” She had never been religious. Faith was Elliot’s thing, but at least in his world, if the things he believed in were true, she would see him again someday. If there really was a heaven, she would have that to hold onto. 

”Always, but not today. Today I just wanna sit with you.” Today was theirs. This moment was theirs regardless of what tomorrow would bring. She gripped his hand tighter, carefully standing up, and she could hear the protectiveness in his voice when he spoke again. “Liv, you need your cane.”

Olivia shook her head and turned, finding the armrest on his wheelchair and using it to ease herself down into his lap. She felt his hand on the small of her back as she did so, guiding her, protecting her like he always had. Her hand rested on his chest and her other arm wrapped around his shoulders. She felt his arms envelop her in return as much as he could, cradling her in an embrace they’d shared so many times before. 

She knew if the nurse came outside she would scold her and tell her that she could fall and break something, but she didn’t care. She didn’t worry about her safety, not in these arms. These arms had held her in gratitude after she helped deliver his son. They had held her in comfort after the death of Sonya Paxton, and in grief after he lost Kathy. They carried her out of a diner in Ohio when he was blinded by tear gas and she had birdshot in her hip. They had soothed her after nightmares that came when her PTSD flared up once their partnership had turned intimate.

They had held onto her when his own demons haunted him. 

They had wrapped around her when they kissed, and when carrying her to the bed they made love in. She snuggled into them while they slept, and they held her tight. She danced in them at their retirement parties and at their wedding. She watched them comfort their kids and hold their grandkids. Sure, she had seen those arms and those hands react in anger to throw perps into walls in those early years, but when it came to her and their family? That strength had always been a source of protection, comfort, warmth, and love. 

She felt at home in these arms. She could relax in these arms better than anywhere else. She never wanted to give them up. 

“It’s a nice day,” he rasped, holding onto her as tight as he could and kissing the top of her head as it laid on his shoulder. 

Olivia kissed the side of his face. “It is.” The hand on his chest moved up to cup his cheek, pulling his head over to rest against hers. She felt him pepper light kisses in her hair, and for a moment it was like they were thirty years younger when their life together was new and full of possibilities. 

He tucked her shawl tighter around her when a cool breeze blew through, and it was like it was sixty years ago, and they were on a stakeout, and he cranked up the heat he didn’t need so she’d be comfortable. 

She had loved him then, she loved him still, and she always would. 

He started falling asleep again, and she kissed him softly as they held each other close, listening to the birds and the cars passing by. 

“Sleep, El. We’ll talk more later.” 

He gently tucked a strand of white hair behind her ear, like he used to do when it was still dark brown. ”Love you.” 

“Love you more.” 

“Not possible.” 

“Oh yes it is.” 

Later that night, Elliot seemed to have more appetite than he’d had in days, so they shared a plate and argued again over who got the last bite before they went to bed. 

The normalcy didn’t scare her anymore. 

Chapter Text

He raced through the Pediatric ICU doors with his heart pounding as Olivia’s panicked voice replayed in his head. A nurse ordered him to put on a mask to prevent the spread of infection. His partner was standing next to where their son lay hooked up to monitors and an oxygen mask. 

“Liv? What’s going on?” 

She sighed, but he could see the fire in her eyes. “The measles.” 

“How-“ 

“Daycare. There was an outbreak at Tribeca Academy because some idiot didn’t vaccinate their children, and you know Noah’s vaccine hasn’t had time to reach full effect yet. Noah was exposed by the sibling of one of the kids that was sick. His doctor had me quarantine him at home, and he was doing ok, but then-“ she sighed heavily, and Elliot wrapped a supportive arm around her waist. “Then he started running a fever, and Lucy called me because he was having trouble breathing even with his inhaler. I was so scared, Elliot.” 

Sometimes he really hated this private security job, and this was one of those times. It kept him away from the people he loved for weeks at a time, and he felt guilty for not being there. 

“Hey, hey it’s ok.” Elliot kissed the top of her head. “You got him to the hospital. They’re gonna help him. He’s gonna be alright.” He refused to even consider the alternative. 

She leaned back against him but didn’t take her eyes off their son. “I’m so angry. I wanna charge that woman with something. I don’t know what, but I wanna arrest her. What the hell is wrong with these people? I mean we got vaccines when we were kids, and it wasn’t a controversy like it is now. It’s just… it’s so selfish. We can’t lose him, El.” 

“I know, baby.” He was trying to stay calm for her, but he couldn’t deny that he felt the same way she did. “What did the doctor say?” 

Olivia placed her hand over his on her shoulder and squeezed. “They had to sedate him, but he’s stable. She noticed Koplik’s spots in his mouth and said he’ll develop a rash on his body within a day or two. They want to keep him here under observation.” She took a shaky breath. “We shouldn’t have put him in daycare so soon. I’m a terrible mother-“ 

“No, no you’re not,” he replied firmly. “You can’t do this to yourself.” 

She shook her head. “He’s so little, and he’s already been through so much. I wish I could fix it, you know? I wish I could take his place.” 

He sighed, holding her tighter. “That’s the hard part of being a parent. You wanna take away their pain, but you can’t.” 

“So what do you do?” 

“There’s no manual, Olivia. You just love them and hope that’s enough. You’ve already got that part down. He’s lucky-“ 

“Lucky? His mother works a dangerous job, and he sees his babysitter more than her.”

”Liv-“

”You really think we will be cleared to adopt him after this?” 

“All kids get sick, Olivia.  All five of mine did. It’s not a reflection on you as a parent. The woman who didn’t get her kids vaccinated on the other hand? She’s the one who was neglectful, not you.” 

They were interrupted by a knock on the door, and both felt their hearts leap into their throats when they saw Noah’s doctor. She listened to his lungs and made a note in his chart before addressing them. 

His blood work had shown that his sed rate and white blood cell count were up, and based on what she heard when she listened to his lungs, she confirmed that he was fighting a respiratory infection. 

“Do you think it’s pneumonia?” Olivia asked, 

“I’m not sure. I want to start him on an antibiotic right away.” 

“He’s been on them so many times.” 

“At this point, I’d rather shoot first and ask questions later. Your son doesn’t need his third bout with pneumonia in his first two years.” 

“Of course not.” Elliot felt an instinctual need to defend Olivia. “My partner and I are aware of that.” 

Olivia placed her hand on his chest, calming him instantly. “We know that, Dr. Lee. We want to do anything we can.” 

She nodded and proceeded to explain what the antibiotic was and what dosage the hospital would be giving him. Olivia spoke up again before the doctor left. 

“One more thing, doctor. Do you know a Dr. Eric Setrakian from Hudson Park Pediatrics?” 

“He’s old school. Doesn’t over-medicate or over-test. Parents love him.” 

Olivia thanked her and pulled out her phone, typing a quick message after Dr. Lee left the room. “I’m gonna have Rollins and Carísi talk to this guy. These people aren’t gonna get away with doing this to our son.” 

Elliot kissed her softly. “There’s my girl.” 

She returned the kiss and smiled when she watched him talk to their baby boy.

”Hey buddy, daddy’s home now. You’re gonna get better, ok? Everything’s gonna be alright. I promise.” 

He prayed to whoever was listening that he’d be able to keep that promise. 

X

Elliot was finishing up his morning workout when his phone rang. He swallowed hard when he saw Olivia’s name on the caller ID. She’d been staying at the ICU with Noah all night, but had texted him earlier that she’d been called into work.

“Hey, baby.” 

“That bastard was deliberately falsifying immunization records.” She spat out in lieu of a greeting. 

“Huh?” 

“Hudson park, Elliot! The pediatrician.” 

It took a minute for it to click that she was talking about her case. “How-“ 

“Nine of the kids at the school were infected, and they were supposedly all vaccinated there. He gave Rollins and Carisi some excuse about the MMR vaccine not being 100% effective, but come on, nine kids? So I had my squad investigate. The mother whose son exposed Noah asked her pediatrician to falsify their records because she couldn’t get a religious exemption. She had some bullshit explanation about how she was protecting her kids from the harmful effects of vaccines. None of which are Scientifically proven.

“Protecting them by endangering the health of every child in this city?” 

“It’s reckless endangerment. I talked to Barba. We are going after her and the doctor.

”Good. Any word on Noah? I’m gonna head back up to the hospital after I shower.” 

“Not yet. Listen, if you go up there let them know I’ll be there this afternoon. I don’t know if I can get away this morning. I feel terrible.” 

“It’s the job, Liv. You know I get that and no one has the right to judge you for it. I’ll let you know what I find out.” 

“Thank you. I love you, El.” 

“Love you too. Be safe.” 

“I will.” 

X

There were few things in Elliot’s life that scared him as much as something happening to Olivia or one of his kids.

He knew Olivia was at court, and he didn’t want to worry her, but when the doctor told him Noah’s fever had spiked and that a spinal tap may need to be done if they couldn’t get it down, he called her immediately. 

“Is your partner coming? It would be really nice if we could discuss things with both of you.” A nurse asked pointedly, and Elliot glared at her. 

“She’ll be here,” he snapped. “I’m getting really sick of people judging her! She is a good mother. She was meant to be a mother. There are a lot of assholes in this world that don’t deserve to be parents. Olivia isn’t one of them.”

“And you?” 

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes I’m not proud of in my life, but I love my kids more than anything in this world. I would give my life for them, and so would Olivia. You have no idea what this is like for her. If you say one more thing like that about her again I’ll have your license. The only reason she went into work today is that you people told us our son was stable, and you know what she’s doing? She’s trying to hold the people responsible for Noah’s illness accountable. Everything she does is for that little boy.” 

“El!” Olivia rushed through the doors with bloodshot eyes. “How is he?” 

“As I was getting ready to tell your husband.” The nurse interrupted, and neither of them bothered to correct her. “We have decided to hold off on the spinal tap for now but will need to increase the dosage of antibiotic.” 

“I wanna see him.” 

“Liv-“ 

“Damnit, I want to see our son!” 

“We will,” Elliot soothed, squeezing her hands. “We will, but we gotta let the doctors work, ok? They’re doing everything they can for him.” 

Olivia waited until the nurse had walked away to lay her head on Elliot’s shoulder and release the sob that had been bubbling in her chest since his frantic phone call. Elliot wrapped his arms around her and kissed the crown of her head. ”I’m scared.” 

He swallowed the lump in his throat, kissing her again. “Me too.” 

“He’s our baby, El. I don’t care if the paperwork isn’t finalized yet. He’s felt like ours since the moment the judge placed him in my arms. He’s a part of me, and I can’t-“ 

“I know, honey. I know.” 

“He’s gonna be ok, right? Can you please just tell me he’s gonna be ok?” 

He couldn’t, not really. There were no guarantees, but his own heart couldn’t accept the alternative either. “He’s gonna be just fine. He’s gonna make it through this. He’s strong like his mama. Biological or not. He’s a survivor, and so are you.” 

Elliot had come back into her life over a year ago, and had been her saving grace in the aftermath of hell. He had helped her heal, and she’d told him more than once she didn’t know how she would’ve survived it without him. He knew she could’ve, but he’d promised her he would be by her side for as long as she let him. 

“Am I? Some days I feel like I’m barely holding on by a thread, but having Noah helps me feel a little less broken. Both of you do.” They were her boys.  Her partner and her son, and she loved them more than anything else in the world.

“Come here.” He held her tighter. “I love you both so much, and we are gonna get through this as a family like we have everything else. That I can promise you, ok?” 

She sniffled, nodding against him. “We love you too.” 

X

Thankfully, the antibiotics seemed to be making a difference, and after a long, harrowing several days the worst had passed. 

Elliot walked into the hospital room and grinned at the sight of Noah cooing in Olivia’s arms. 

“The doctor is gonna bring us the discharge paperwork. She thinks he’s on the mend now and that it’s safe for us to go home, but she wants me to bring him back for a checkup next week to make sure.” Olivia’s voice was thick with relief, and she returned his smile. 

He kissed her softly. “I’ll go get the car and bring it around. It’s raining pretty hard.” 

“El?” She grabbed his wrist before he could turn away. 

“Yeah?” 

“If the adoption goes through I wanna hyphenate our names. I want Noah to be a Stabler.” 

The thought  brought tears to his eyes. He didn’t think he deserved the second chance he’d been given with her, but he wasn’t gonna take it for granted. “You’re sure?” 

“I’m sure.” She gently placed Noah into his arms and wrapped her own around his waist, resting her head on his chest while they peered down at the precious bundle together. “He’s our son. I want us to raise him together. There’s no one else on this planet I would want to raise him with, and Noah Porter Benson-Stabler has a nice ring to it. Don’t you think?” 

“It sounds perfect.” He hesitated before continuing, worried it may be too much too soon. “What about his mom?”  

“What about her?

Elliot cleared his throat nervously. “Does Olivia Benson-Stabler have a nice ring to it?” 

“Elliot, you know how I feel about public proposals.” Olivia raised an eyebrow. 

“Who said this was a proposal?” 

She gave him a reassuring smile. “Just Benson professionally, but legally?” 

“Yeah?” His heart skipped a beat.

She kissed his cheek. “You know me. I don’t want anything too extravagant. Just… a small ceremony with our kids and the squad.” 

“Is that a yes?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, you idiot. I’m saying yes.” 

He kissed her deeply, mindful of the baby in his arms, and prayed to whoever was listening that their family of three they'd formed could stay together.  “Let’s go home, Bensons.” 

“Benson-Stablers you mean.” 

Just a few months later after a shooting at the courthouse, the ink would dry on their dreams.

Chapter Text

The first thought she had when she was finally led outside after four days of hell, besides relief, was that the amount of people standing outside the beach house was overwhelming. There would be questions about if she was okay, about what had happened to her, there would be medical professionals poking and prodding her, she knew from her nearly two decades as an SVU detective that the trauma didn’t end just because she’d been rescued.

She took a shaky breath, suddenly unable to move another step. Nick steadied her when her knees started to buckle. 

“It’s alright. You’re safe now.” 

“I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this, Nick. I’m-“ 

“One step at a time, ok? We’re just gonna focus on getting down these steps and then we’ll tackle the rest when we get there.” 

“I meant-“ facing all these people. 

“I know. Come on.”

Olivia leaned on him, stepping down slowly. The strength seemed to have been drained out of her, and there was a large part of her that wondered if she was hallucinating. There was a part of her that was terrified she’d snap out of this moment of shock and still be trapped in a nightmare with no end in sight. 

“Lewis is alive.” She heard Fin’s voice behind her  but didn’t turn her head.

”I don’t know how.” She spoke in a numb tone as flashbacks invaded her senses. 

“Liv.” Nick interjected, noticing she was dissociating. “Hey, look at me.” He continued. ”They’re arresting him now. He can’t get to you. I doubt he’s even conscious. You got him pretty good.” 

“You think that’s what I want to hear right now? That I almost beat a man to death?” she snapped. 

“Olivia!” Another voice, one she’d only heard in her head for the last two years. One that had been in her head just a short time ago, giving her the strength she needed to fight. 

“El?” Her voice was a whisper, and she couldn’t take her eyes off the man who was jogging towards her. Tears blurred her vision, and she pulled away from Nick, grabbing on to her former partner’s outstretched hand. “Elliot?” 

“I’m right here.” He stepped in front of her effectively blocking her from view of the dozens of first responders that had shown up. The gesture caused a few tears to spill over that she was trying to hold back. He’d always known what she needed without her having to ask and time hadn’t changed that. “I’ve gotcha. Come on.” 

She stepped down with him, allowing both of her partners to shoulder her weight to give her throbbing ribs a break. 

“How are you here? How did you know?” She asked Elliot, squeezing his hand to remind herself he was real.

“Cragen called me. I flew back to New York the minute I heard.” 

“He’s actually the reason we are here right now. He had a hunch that we should check this house,” Nick added. 

Olivia locked eyes with Elliot, trembling with the force of the sobs that threatened to rip from her chest. “Thank you.” 

“Shh, you don’t need to thank me, or any of us, for that. Ever.” 

“I do.” She couldn’t suppress a sob this time. Her panicked breathing was making the pain worse, and she could tell both men were aware of it. “He told me no one would find me. That I wasn’t getting out of there alive.” 

“But you did. You survived, and you’re gonna survive the recovery.  I’m gonna be right here beside you. I’m never leaving you again.” He pulled her into his arms when they got down the stairs and she buried her aching head against the wall of his chest. “Come here. You’re safe now. I promise.” 

“I’m not,” she sobbed. “He’s still alive, El. I thought I killed him.” 

“Sir.” Someone interrupted behind Elliot. “We need to get her to the hospital.” 

Elliot tightened his arms around her protectively, not pulling away an inch. “She needs a minute.” 

“Sir-“ 

“Back the hell up and give her a minute!” A few years ago his protectiveness would’ve pissed her off, but she had missed it, had craved it so much in the last few days that she didn’t have it in her to fight it.

“Elliot-“ Nick started, and Olivia felt Elliot shake his head.

”I wanna get her out of here as much as everyone else does, Nick, but she’s traumatized. I think the squad should drive her. I don’t think-“ 

“You know we can’t.” 

“Look, I know I sound overprotective, but can’t we just give her a few minutes with people she trusts before a bunch of strangers start touching her?”

“I’ll be fine.” She rasped against his shoulder, clearing her throat and lifting her head. “The ambulance is fine, El. Just… stay with me?” 

“Of course. I’m not going anywhere.” He started to say something else, but addressed Nick first. “Tell the medics to bring the bus closer.” 

Nick nodded but looked hesitant. “You good with Stabler, Liv?” 

“Yeah. I’m good.” 

Elliot waited until anyone from the squad was out of earshot before he spoke again. “How much is walking hurting you right now? Be honest with me.” 

“I’m fine.” She tried to walk faster to prove it, but whimpered as a sharp pain stabbed at her when she stumbled. 

“Like hell you are.” His tone was soft but firm. “At the risk of getting my ass kicked, will you please let me carry you?”

She glared at him. “I’m a grown woman.” 

“A grown woman who just spent four days with a psychopath and deserves support. You really feel like you can walk all the way to the ambulance by yourself?” 

She started to insist that she could, but she’d spent so many moments terrified in the last few days and found herself craving the security and relief she knew being in his arms would provide. 

“Look you’ve got every reason in the world to hate me right now, and I’m so goddamn sorry for everything,” he continued.

“El-“ 

“Lemme help you. Please. ” Elliot pleaded, guiding her further away from the stairs when the EMTs carried Lewis out. 

She looked back for a second, and even though she knew the man responsible for her four days of terror was unconscious an involuntary, violent shudder still ripped through her. 

“Olivia, look at me.” Elliot’s voice brought her back to the present. “Lemme get you out of here, ok?” 

She nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck and clinging tightly as if it would make her skin stop crawling. 

 He lifted her with ease, and she looked down at his shoulder, focusing on his shirt to keep from looking at the crowd. “Does this feel okay? I’m not hurting you am I?” She was clutched close to his chest but could tell he was trying not to grip too hard. 

“It feels fine. It feels-“ Safe. Finally. She leaned her head down to rest on his, closing her eyes and taking in his scent. 

He moved quickly but was careful not to jostle her too much. “Let’s get you out of here.” 

X

“I don’t get it.” Amanda said as she and the rest of the squad observed Olivia and Elliot from outside the hospital room. “This guy… Stabler, abandoned her without a word. He ignored her calls. He wasn’t even in the country when y’all tracked him down. I mean we know some of his reasons now, but… he broke her heart . She could’ve told him to fuck off the minute she saw him outside the beach house.” She trailed off, watching Elliot pull Olivia into his arms with more gentleness than he looked like he was capable of. Olivia seemed to sink into him as her body shook with sobs that were too quiet for anyone but Elliot to hear. “He broke her trust, yet he’s the only one she’ll let near her right now.”

“He came when it mattered,” Fin countered. “I’m not gonna say I’ve got no beef with the man, but those two have always had a bond the rest of us couldn’t understand. They get each other. There’s plenty of time for her to kick his ass later, but right now?”

“They love each other.” Amanda watched through the glass as Elliot stroked Olivia’s hair, rocking her, soothing her while she let out the pain and terror she’d been holding in. Love didn’t feel like a strong enough word. Whatever her colleague and the man whose arms she was in shared was beyond love.

Fin snorted. “You should’ve seen them back in the day. He was married. They didn’t do anything, but-” 

“The feelings were there. I mean I–I just think-”

“That she should be angry with him? Hell yeah she should be, but he hasn’t slept since he found out she was missing. He hasn’t left her side since she was found. She may never admit it out loud, and we may not understand how, but she needs him right now. She’ll yell at him later. He’s not off the hook.”

“I would’ve offered to sit in with her when they were doing the rape kit, but-” 

“She wouldn’t have let you.” Munch cut Nick off. “There’s no one else on this planet she’d let see her like that.” 

After what felt like hours, they watched Elliot help Olivia lie down and kiss her forehead, mouthing something to her before standing up. 

Amanda saw red again. “What the hell? He’s leaving?” 

“Nah, he’s coming out to update us. Even if he wanted to take off again, which he doesn’t, we wouldn’t let him.” Fin argued. 

“Hey.” Elliot shut the door as quietly as he could when he stepped out. “The burn specialist is coming by, but it’ll be about a half hour, so I convinced her to try and sleep.” 

“How’s she doing?” Nick asked and the other man sighed.

“She’s… she’s a fighter, but… the things that bastard did to her… “

“She’s got all of us,” Cragen replied. 

“I know that.” Elliot nodded. “You know I’ve sat in on rape kits before. I’ve taken victim disclosures. I’ve–it’s different when it’s someone you… you know.” They all heard the unspoken someone you love. 

“It’s Liv,” Nick agreed. 

“Exactly.” Elliot looked back in the room. “I should get back in there. I don’t want to leave her alone longer than I have to.” 

“Elliot, was she–Did Lewis-” Cragen wasn’t able to say the word.

“I don’t know. She said she didn’t remember him raping her, but he kept her unconscious part of the time-” 

“It wouldn’t fit his M.O. if he did something while she was unconscious,”  Amanda interjected.

Elliot swallowed hard. “So until the kit comes back we just have to hope that he didn’t get that far.” A few moments of silence passed before he spoke again, but he didn’t turn to look at them, keeping his eyes on his former partner, standing guard. “Please tell me I can tell her the son of a bitch is dead.” 

“I wish we could. He’s in the prison ward at Bellevue. She fought him hard,” Fin responded. 

“What room?” 

Cragen gave him a knowing look. “Elliot, son you can’t-” 

“I want him dead,” he growled.

“So do we, but you ending up with a murder rap isn’t going to do Olivia any good.”

“I should’ve killed him when we were at the beach house.” 

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that even though  he deserves it.” Barba walked down the hallway, stopping next to Fin and Amanda. “How’s she doing?” 

A faint whimper had Elliot reaching for the doorknob. “The rest of you catch him up. I need to go back in there.” 

He was back by her side in an instant, and it really shouldn’t have surprised any of them the way her body seemed to relax when she heard his voice. He hadn’t shut the door in his haste to get back to her, and they could hear his soft words. 

“Shh, you’re safe, Olivia. I’m right here.” His hand tenderly brushed her hair back from her face. 

“El?” She looked up at him when she stirred. 

“It’s just me. Try to rest some more. I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

“Promise you’ll stay?” 

“I promise.” They could hear the raw devotion in his voice and moved away, allowing the former partners privacy as Olivia was soothed to sleep once more. 

Chapter Text

Bernie Stabler died on a crisp Thursday morning in October. The nursing staff had told Elliot and Randall that she’d gone peacefully in her sleep. Most people would consider it a blessing, and they were thankful, despite the aching hole in the Stabler family’s hearts. 

The day of her funeral was the sunniest day of the week, which seemed odd given the occasion. The priest told them it was Bernie’s way of sending a sign from Heaven that she was okay. All Elliot felt was grief. Grief and guilt. Grief that his mother wasn’t here to enjoy the sunniest day of the week with them. Guilt for all the time he’d spent undercover, for the decade he’d spent in Rome, for the years before he spent running away, hiding his emotions, and avoiding the people he loved.

He hadn’t deserved the last few years of his mother’s life that he’d gotten to spend with her, and he especially didn’t deserve having Olivia by his side at the gravesite with her arm around his back. He hugged her close, pressing his lips into her hair when the emotion clogged his throat. He worried the gesture would cause her to pull away from him, but she only hugged him tighter. 

“Thank you for being here,” he whispered, unable to speak any louder.

Olivia kissed his cheek. “Of course.” 

Elliot reluctantly let go of her when the priest led the crowd of Bernie’s family and friends in a rendition of Amazing Grace to go stand next to Randall. None of them commented on the fact that Joe Jr hadn’t shown up, but his absence didn’t escape their notice. 

Elliot’s eyes searched for Olivia again when he was done, and he wasn’t surprised to find her embracing his daughters the way she’d done at his wife’s funeral just a few years earlier. 

Jesus, he didn’t deserve her.

He didn’t deserve her at all, but he loved her. He loved her with everything he had. He’d loved her for over a quarter of a century now, and losing his mother had made it even more clear how precious time was. 

He prayed to whoever was listening that he’d have a chance to cherish her the way she deserved before it was too late.

X

Despite Elliot telling  her she didn’t have to stay if she needed to get home, Olivia insisted on accompanying the family back to Elliot’s. She picked up a photo album from the coffee table and flipped through the pages while Elliot and Randall were in the kitchen. 

“Hey, El. Your girl is looking at your baby pictures,” she heard Randall tease and rolled her eyes. 

“Those aren’t my – ait. Shit.” Elliot quickly walked over, snatching the album from Olivia’s hands. 

“Hey! Give that back, Detective,” she ordered. 

“I’ve got a reputation to maintain, Captain. You don’t need to see those.” 

“Oh stop. They’re precious.” She pulled the album out of his hands, taking one of Bernie holding Elliot out of the sleeve. “This is so sweet.” 

Elliot sat next to Olivia on the couch, stretching an arm across the back, and she leaned into his side. He sniffled before speaking again. “You know that’s one of the only pics I’ve seen of mom with one of us when we were kids, and I bet Pop wasn’t even the one who took it. Who knows where the hell he was or what happened after this pic was taken.” 

Olivia didn’t know everything about the Stabler household when Elliot was a child, but she knew enough that it broke her heart. She squeezed Elliot’s shoulder, and he continued. “Mama tried. I get that now. She did the best she could.” He buried his nose in her hair, and she could feel him trying to hide his tears. 

Olivia handed Elliot the picture. “You should keep this one out. Maybe frame it or put it on a canvas and put it in the nursery for Eli and Becky’s baby.” 

“You wanna traumatize my great-nephew by making his grandpa’s ugly mug the first thing he sees in the morning?” Randall attempted to lighten the mood, but Olivia could tell he was fighting back emotion too. 

“I think that it symbolizes family, love, and devotion. Those are things I have always associated with the name Stabler.” 

“Not always.” Elliot’s voice was thick with guilt. 

“Always,” Olivia emphasized, forgetting Randall was in the room for a moment. “El, you have to know that no matter how hurt I was, I wasn’t mad at you for choosing your family. I wouldn’t have let you choose anything else. It was the way you handled things when you left that hurt, but I’ve forgiven you. I’ve forgiven you for not knowing, for not being there when I needed you.” She placed her hand on his chest. “Because I know your heart. You’re a good man. One of the very best, and like I told your mother once, I know enough to know you didn’t get that from your father.” 

She half-expected Randall to make a snide remark about her and Elliot’s job – and was already thinking about what she’d say to defend her partner – but he had excused himself to the bathroom, giving her and Elliot a moment alone. 

“Bernie may not have been perfect, but she raised a man I’ll always trust to have my back. She raised a man who believes in sacrifice, fighting for people who have been through hell, and keeping the people he loves safe at all costs. She can rest in peace now knowing she did a damn good job at that. She was so proud of you. She loved you so much.”  Elliot pulled her closer, and she leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his lips. “ I love you, and I’m thankful to her for you. I’m thankful you’re in my life, and I’m thankful you came back to me,” she whispered low enough for only him to hear. 

It was the first time she’d said those three words to him. She tried not to think too hard about the weight of that, about how long they’d waited to say those words to each other, how long he’d waited to hear them back after he blurted them out to her just a few years ago.

“I love you, too,” he murmured into her neck. “So damn much.” 

A throat cleared behind them and they broke apart, realizing that Randall had returned from the restroom. “Sorry to break up the love fest, but Captain, if you’re staying awhile, we’ve got wine, Biscotti, and some See’s Candies that Mama had left over.” 

Elliot gave Olivia a teasing grin, and she rolled her eyes, knowing what he was about to say. “Well, my partner over here has a sweet tooth, so you may as well give her all the chocolates.” 

Olivia took a piece from the box and threw it at him. “You say that like I didn’t share half of the candy in my desk drawer with you.” 

“The keyword there is your desk drawer.” 

“Says the man who kept a drawer of Starburst and a bag of Cashews in the glove box.”

”The Starburst was because I have kids, and the Cashews were because chasing after perps made me hungry,” he defended. “Plus it’s not as bad as Cragen’s Red Vines stash.” 

The teasing had the effect she wanted because, for the rest of the evening, the conversation was light and comfortable. The sorrow would still be there, but sometimes the best medicine for grief was laughter.

Chapter Text

In hindsight, they should’ve known they needed to take the stairs. But, it was at least a hundred degrees, and they were exhausted from the long drive to drop off her son at the McCann’s, and Elliot’s knee was acting up. So, they took the elevator, and–of course– cheap, old hotel in Woodstock that didn’t have a generator. 

The doors had only been shut for a few seconds before it sputtered to a stop and everything went black. 

“Fuck.” Olivia braced herself against the wall, trying to remember how to breathe. 

“Liv? You alright?” Elliot’s voice sounded like it was a mile away. 

“Yeah,” she huffed out a breath. “I think so. God, it’s hot in here.” She pushed the sleeves of her shirt up that felt like they were sticking to her clammy skin. The walls felt as if they were closing in on her, and she tried to swallow the panic in her throat. There was a sense of relief that she didn’t have to explain to him why she was suddenly claustrophobic because she’d already had that conversation with him. She pulled out her phone, cursing when she found there was no signal. 

Of course there wasn’t. What would she expect in a pre-WWII elevator shaft.

“I don’t have a signal either.” He turned on the flashlight on his phone, squinting to find the call button on the elevator. 

“Here I got it.” Olivia didn’t know how, in the midst of her oncoming panic attack, she managed to pull out her reading glasses, but she reached over and pressed the button.  

A few minutes passed, and slow, steady breathing was becoming enough of a challenge that she couldn’t hide it from him anymore. She tried to close her eyes, but stopped when the flashbacks invaded her senses. ”I gotta get out of here.” Her voice was shaky. “I gotta get out of here, El.” She whimpered, wishing her legs would allow her to move closer to him, but her muscles were locked in a way that she feared if she tried to take a step she would collapse. 

“Shhh, it’s alright. It’s alright, baby. Come here. Grab onto my hand.” His voice was soft, and the minute she felt his fingers against hers she latched on. “We’re gonna sit down here, and I promise this will all be over soon. They told us they’re working on it, and they’re gonna fix it, ok? We’ll be out of here soon. Squeeze my hand as hard as you need to.

She tried to speak, but her throat felt too tight to form words, so she squeezed his hand and allowed him to guide them down to the floor. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and put their interlocked hands against his chest. “Do you feel that?” 

She tried to focus on the strong, steady beat beneath her hand, and the gentle timbre of the voice of the man she loved. His proximity allowed her to exhale shakily, and she snuggled closer. 

“That’s it. We’re gonna breathe together, okay?” he continued. “In and out. Just like that.” 

Olivia buried her face in his neck, trying to focus on the leather and earthy scent that was so uniquely Elliot, uniquely her home. She gripped his hand tighter to help as she sucked in air. 

“There you go.” Elliot’s thumb caressed the back of her hand, and he used his other hand to softly stroke her hair. “Do you know where we are?” 

“I-I think so, but my head is clogged, and I can’t think straight, and it’s so goddamn hot in this trunk-“ 

“Elevator,” he corrected gently. “We are in an elevator in Woodstock, and it broke down on the hottest day of the summer which is kind of our luck don’t you think?” 

The noise that came out of her mouth was something between a laugh and small sob as the panic slowly dissipated. “Yeah.”

He paused before prompting her with a tactic she’d used plenty of times before. ”Tell me four things you can hear.” 

 She tried to concentrate on his words, and not the noises in her head: the phantom taunts and words that paralyzed her with terror. 

“Your voice, our breathing, the hand on your watch… umm… my…oh God, I feel like I can hear my stomach churning.” 

“It’s alright,” he soothed. “It’s alright. We’re gonna get through this together. Can you tell me three things you can feel?” 

She swallowed hard before responding, grabbing onto the back of his shirt with her other hand. “Your hand, your heartbeat, your arms around me.” The safest place on earth. Her skin was crawling, but the more she focused on his embrace the easier she could breathe. 

“Are my arms hurting you? Restraining you?” Elliot asked. 

“No, they never would,” she replied honestly. He’d annoyed her, fought with her, pissed her off, hurt her emotionally by being an idiot, but she’d never feared him. He’d never given her a reason to do that. He took protecting her as fiercely and seriously as he did everything else in his life. Her anchor. Her shelter from the storm.

”That’s right.” He kissed her temple. “Two things you can smell.” 

Sweat and burning flesh.

Fear.

No, that wasn’t right. There was sweat, but it wasn’t mixed with the pain she expected.

“Sweat,” she spoke through gritted teeth. “But-but also you’re cologne, so I know it’s not-“ 

“You’re right. It’s just me. It’s just Elliot.” He cut in, saving her from having to name her demon instead. “Tell me one thing you can taste.”

Olivia shuddered, sinking further into Elliot’s hold. “I-“

”Think of the casserole Ginny McCann made us for lunch. The one we both thought was overcooked,” he added with a chuckle to try to get her mind off of things.

It worked. She snorted. ”I wanted to say something to her so bad.” He tried to be nice to the McCann’s, but she knew they annoyed him just as much as they annoyed her, and he had told her before he didn’t like them because of how inadequate they made her feel. 

“I think we both did, Liv.” He rocked her silently for a few moments before continuing when her breaths grew calmer. “That’s it. I’ve got you. You’re alive. You’re safe, and no one is gonna hurt you here. I promise. Even if they wanted to, I wouldn’t let them.” 

“I know.” He didn’t need to say it. She knew he would kill for her because she would kill for him. “I haven’t had one that bad in a long time.” Her therapist had told her how intense EMDR therapy could be, and days like today made her wonder if she made the right choice. 

Elliot placed a lingering kiss on top of her head. “Anything I can do?” 

“Make the elevator run again,” she quipped, and he chuckled. 

“Remind me next time to make sure to find a place where we can get a room on the first floor.” 

“Or to take Matt and Ginny up on their offer to stay.”

”Nah, they’d drive us insane if we were around them too long.”

She huffed out a laugh. “Are you okay? Getting on and off the floor can’t be good for your knee.” 

“I care way more about you than I do about my knee.” He brushed the beads of sweat from her forehead. “Are you feeling better?” 

“I am.” She closed her eyes for a moment as she felt her muscles relax. She loved this man, more than she probably should, and hadn’t found the courage to convey it until now. ”El?” 

“Hmm?” 

She leaned in and kissed him slowly. “I love you so much.” She could feel his grin against her lips.

”I love you so much, Olivia.” He kissed her again, but they were cut off by a flood of light and the elevator moving beneath them. A hysterical burst of laughter escaped her, and she could tell he was caught off guard. “What?” 

“If I had known that was all I had to say to get this damn elevator to start running again I would’ve said it an hour ago.” She explained when her laughter died down. 

“Eh, I didn’t mind it. There’s no one I’d rather be stuck on an elevator for an hour with than the love of my life.” 

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Sap.” 

Elliot chuckled, wrapping an arm around her to pull her close. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Chapter Text

Olivia woke up gasping, feeling the claws of panic choke her as she fought off the nightmare. It was the worst one she had in years, and it drove her crazy that she couldn’t pinpoint the exact trigger. The first thing that registered when she took in her surroundings was that she was soaked in sweat. New York was in the trenches of a stifling August heat wave, and she sat up, intending to adjust the temperature on her AC, but her muscles were locked. 

Her apartment was silent aside from her heavy breathing. There was no indication that her screams had woken Noah, but she always felt guilty, always worried her terror would wake him. She never wanted to bring her sweet boy into the darkness that sometimes came for her at night. He had googled her, though. He knew the name of her demon, but that was it. She didn’t want to think about him knowing more than that. 

She turned her head, jumping when she thought she saw a shadow in the doorway, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. A glass of water and her phone were on her nightstand, and she reached for both with shaky hands. The liquid soothed her dry throat and she swallowed, trying to calm her breathing before she clicked the number for the man who she knew would soothe the rest of her. 

“Stabler.” His voice was heavy with sleep and he cleared his throat. There was a shuffling sound, and she could picture him sitting up, putting on his glasses to look at the caller ID. “Hey baby, everything okay?” His tone softened to the one she was still getting used to. “Liv?” He prompted when she still didn’t respond, concern coloring his words. 

“Hey, El. I’m sorry I woke you.” She tried to keep the unsteadiness out of her voice, but he seemed to hear it. 

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’re fine because I know you’re not.” 

“I’m okay.” She continued when she heard his disbelieving grunt. “I just can’t sleep. This damn heat.” 

“Olivia-“

”I had a nightmare.” She sighed, knowing he could always see through her the way she could with him. “It was bad, and I don’t know why. I’ve just been on edge this week, and I’m exhausted, and-I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you at two in the morning. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t do that. You can call me any time, you know that.” 

“It’s not like I’ve never had a nightmare before,” she snapped in frustration.

“I know that, but you’re human. You try so hard to convince the world you’re a superhero, and in many ways you are, but you’re also human. Every human deserves comfort, Liv. No one should always have to fight their demons alone. We’ve talked about this.” 

“Elliot-“ 

“What do you need?” 

“I’m okay.” She felt calmer, the shaking had stopped, and her breathing grew steadier the more she heard his voice. 

“You’re not going back to sleep are you? You’re gonna stay up the rest of the night, mainline coffee tomorrow, and be miserable all day because you’re too stubborn to admit you need to talk to someone. You’re too stubborn to admit you don’t feel safe, and you don’t want to be alone right now.” 

“Fuck off.”  She hated how well he could read her sometimes. 

“Why did you call me?” 

“I’m questioning that myself right now.” 

“Liv-“ 

She didn’t hang up, but she remained silent, putting her phone on speaker and lying back down with it on her chest. She closed her eyes and allowed his voice to slow her heartbeat. 

“I love you. I know that scares you, but I do. I wanna be here for you in any way you’ll let me, but this is at your pace. All you gotta do is ask.” He continued when he didn’t get a response. “We both know how shitty PTSD is, and we both know how hard it is to ask for help, but you’ve gotta sleep, Liv. You can’t take care of the city if you don’t take care of yourself.” 

It was working the way she’d known it would when she called him. A feeling of safety washed over her, forming a protective bubble around her that Lewis’s ghost couldn’t get through. 

“Why don’t I come over? I’ll make you some tea? I won’t push you to talk. I just wanna be there. Please let me help.” 

He would, in a heartbeat, if she asked him to come he would. She’d always known that, but she didn’t know how to ask. 

“I can’t-I don’t want Noah to wake up and think something is wrong.” 

Elliot sighed. “I get that. I’m sorry.” 

She swallowed hard, trying to keep the pain out of her voice. “El-“ 

“Tell me what to do, sweetheart. I’m not hanging up until I know you feel safe enough to sleep.” 

It was a thing he did now since they’d started this. He called her his baby, his sweetheart, he dropped the words ‘I love you’ in everyday conversation. He gave her his gentle touch, his warm embrace, his soft kisses anytime she let him. She was still getting used to it and found herself tearing up. She loved him so much, and while she didn’t know how to say the words yet, she could at least give him this. “Your voice is helping,” she sniffled. “That’s all I needed. I just needed to hear your voice. It always helped before. I’ll sleep better now.” 

“Before?” 

She cursed herself,  realizing what she’d admitted. “It’s nothing.” 

“Tell me.” 

They’d talked about the ten years he was gone, and he’d always told her not to hold back, that she didn’t have to hide how hurt she’d been, that he deserved every ounce of anger and heartache she had felt, but he was being so sweet tonight that she hated knowing her next words would break his heart and make him sick with guilt. 

“I used to call you sometimes right after…when the nightmares were really bad I would call your old number just to leave a voicemail. I would hear your voice, and… sometimes I’d leave a message, sometimes I wouldn’t, but I always slept better afterwards because I could pretend you were watching over me. I could pretend you were getting the messages and thinking of me even if you couldn’t talk to me.”

There was silence on the other line for a moment, and she knew he was probably choking down his own emotion. “Liv, I’m so-“ 

“I didn’t tell you that to get an apology,”  Olivia cut him off. “I’ve forgiven you, and it’s because I have forgiven you that I called tonight because I knew you’d pick up. I knew that it would help.” 

“Did it?” 

She knew he probably still wanted to race over to Manhattan, slide next to her in bed, and wrap her in his arms as tight as he could, and the thought warmed her heart. “It did, yeah. Stay on the line until I fall asleep?” 

“Of course.” There was a rustling sound again, likely him laying back down himself. “I love you, Olivia.” 

“I love you too, El.” She pushed the words out, wanting to be able to show him the way he’s showed her. 

When she woke up just a few short hours later, she felt more rested than she had in longer than she could remember. 

X

He waited until her breathing evened out, until her snores were the only sound he could hear. Then even once he knew she was asleep, he stayed on the line another half hour before hanging up. There was no way he would be able to fall back asleep himself now that her confession was running on repeat in his mind, stabbing him in the chest with a fresh round of guilt. 

“I used to call sometimes right after…when the nightmares were really bad I would call your old number just to leave a voicemail. I would hear your voice, and… sometimes I’d leave a message, sometimes I wouldn’t, but I always slept better afterwards because I could pretend you were watching over me. I could pretend you were getting the messages and thinking of me even if you couldn’t talk to me.” 

In a way, he was glad that he was somehow still a comfort to her even when he wasn’t there, but it shouldn’t have been a damn voicemail helping her sleep through the night. It should’ve been him. It should’ve been his arms wrapping around her, his voice reminding her that she was safe, his hands softly stroking her hair to soothe her into a more peaceful slumber. 

He would’ve done it. He would’ve held her and let her cry against him until she let out the pain and fear she’d been holding in. She deserved to have that, but instead he was on another continent unaware of the hell the woman he loved was going through. 

There would never have been a trial because he would’ve slaughtered William Lewis with his bare hands the minute he got Olivia out of the beach house. He would’ve been able to tell Olivia, while soothing her nightmare, that the beast was dead and would never be able to hurt her again.  

Elliot stared at his phone, not wanting to call her again now that she was sleeping, but it was taking everything in him to not go to her. She’d told him she was okay, that she’d just needed to hear his voice, and he needed to respect that. Still, he found himself sliding his shoes on and getting behind the wheel of his truck, driving until he found his storage unit. 

He hadn’t turned on his old phone in years, he had no idea if it even still worked, but there were voicemails on it that he needed to hear. There were cries for help that he never knew about that would haunt him until he laid them to rest. 

He searched through several boxes until he found the phone in one of Kathy’s and the charger it came with, plugging it in when he found an outlet. It made him wonder how this phone got put in Kathy’s things. If his wife had been so jealous that she’d hid his partner’s cries from him until she died. 

His hand was shaking when he clicked on the voicemail log, scrolling down until he could find the unread ones from 2013. He swallowed the lump in his throat and pressed play, feeling his heart crack in half when the broken voice of the woman who meant everything to him filled the space. 

“Elliot, it’s Liv. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news or if you even care, but-“ she sniffled. “I can’t sleep. The nightmares are really bad. I’m scared to be alone, but I can’t tell Brian that. He’s gotta work, and I’m a cop. I shouldn’t be scared to be alone, but Lewis took something from me, El. He took a part of me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. I don’t know how to recover from this. I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me. I don’t know why I didn’t pull my gun when I heard him in my apartment, and I don’t—I’m gonna tell you something that I’m too scared to tell anyone else. I don’t know if he raped me or not. I have been telling everyone he didn’t, but my nightmares… El, they feel so real, and I’m terrified that things might have happened while he knocked me out that I don’t remember, and I don’t know how to handle that. 

Elliot could taste the salt from the tears that were flowing freely down his cheeks, but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. He clicked on the next one, wondering if it was possible for his heart to break more than it already had. 

“Hey, El. It’s me.” There was a pause that was punctuated by a sob. “I can’t sleep again. I had another nightmare. It was a bad one. Brian is working a night shift and I just—I thought maybe if I heard your voice even in a voicemail that it would help me feel safe enough to sleep. You always protected me. You always made me feel safe. I miss that. I miss you so much.”

The next voicemail was longer. 

And terrifying. 

“You saved my life tonight.” Her speech was slurred, emotionless. “I had my gun to my head a few minutes ago, and I was gonna fucking do it. No one would miss me. No one has ever loved me enough to choose me, not even my own mother, but I heard your voice in my head. You were telling me to fight, to not let him win, and I drank a half bottle of vodka, and called you instead.” A harsh sob cut through her words. “But you know something? You’re a fucking idiot. He’s already won. He’s already won because no matter what I do I can’t get him out of my head. I almost did tonight. One bullet, and it all would’ve stopped, but here I am. Are you proud of yourself, you son of a bitch? I hate you, Elliot! Go to hell.” 

He threw the phone back into the box, gasping through his sobs, and heaving the contents of his dinner onto the pavement. 

She was alive. He just needed to keep reminding himself of that in order to erase the image the voicemail put in his mind. She was alive, and he had talked to her just a little while ago. 

He waited until he was calm to listen to the next message. 

“Hey, El. Listen..I was in a really bad place the other night. Please ignore that last voicemail. It wasn’t-I don’t hate you. I’m just feeling a lot of different things right now, but it’s not your fault. It’s Lewis’, and I just…I don’t know why I keep doing this. I don’t even know if you still use this phone, but it’s helping. I don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, no nightmare tonight. I’m just restless. I can’t sleep. My therapist prescribed sleeping pills, but I’m scared to take them, and I know what you’d say if you were here. You’d tell me I needed to take care of myself, but Lewis shoved pills down my throat, and I can’t—your voice is more effective anyway. I miss you.” 

He knew what she was talking about because her voice was a siren song. No matter what she was saying, if he heard it once he would’ve gone to her. He didn’t even remember what his voicemail message was back then. It was probably something mundane like this is Elliot Stabler, leave me a message. Whatever it was had kept her tethered when she was drowning, and he had to hold onto that. 

X

As badly as he wanted to immediately go to her, wrap her up in his arms, and keep her from ever feeling that kind of pain alone again, he forced himself to wait until the next night. He texted her first, not wanting to show up unannounced again especially now that he’d heard a glimpse of her terror. Relief shot through him when she responded, telling him to come on up, and that Noah was at a sleepover, so he could stay if he wanted to.

He hadn’t planned on leaving her side anyway, but was glad they would have the space to talk. 

She smiled warmly when she opened the door, a stark contrast to the night before when he heard her panic-stricken voice over the phone. 

“Hey.” Her smile fell and concern took over. “Everything ok? You look-“

He tried to give her a reassuring smile, kissing her softly. “I’m alright, Liv. Just tired.” He kissed her again, and pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek against hers for a moment. He was so damn glad she was alive that he felt tears spring to his eyes. 

“El?” She prompted after he tightened his grip on her. “Did something happen? Is it Bernie? One of your kids?” 

He shook his head, brushing his lips against her temple. “I just needed to see you.” He needed to see her, feel that she was breathing, feel her heartbeat against his. 

She pulled back, resting her hand on his chest. “And the truth?” 

Elliot sighed heavily. “I need to tell you something.” He laced their fingers together, pulling out his old phone with his other hand.

”You have to go back undercover? How long this time?” 

He could see the resigned sorrow in her eyes, and it gutted him that her first thought was that he was leaving again. ”Liv-“ 

“No, I get it. It’s the job. We’ll make it work. We always do.”

”Baby, it’s not—I don’t have to go anywhere.” 

“Oh,” she breathed out, and he could see the tension in her shoulders drop. “Ok, what’s going on then?” 

He decided to come out and say it, knowing neither of them had ever been able to fool each other. “I heard the voicemails. I found my old phone, and I—I listened to them.”

Her eyes widened when she realized what he was referring to as their conversation from the night before came back to her. “Why?” 

“I felt like I owed you. You had wanted someone to answer, and I never knew, and I should’ve been there.” 

“I wish you hadn’t listened to them.” She wrapped her arms around herself, turning her back to him. It killed him to hear the shame in her voice.  “I wish you didn’t know how weak I was.” 

“Olivia Benson, you are the strongest person I know. I would never, for even a second, think you were weak.” 

“Elliot, the woman on those voicemails… I was so far gone I didn’t know who I was anymore. I hate that I was that broken, that needy.” 

“Liv, look at me-“ 

“I can’t,” she sniffled. “I need you to delete those voicemails and pretend you never heard them. Please.” 

“Olivia-“ 

“ Please , El. Please just forget that you heard them. I don’t wanna go back there. Please don’t make me go back there.”

He couldn’t stand it anymore. He reached for her, gently pulling her into his protective embrace. “Come here. I’m sorry. I’ll delete them, and I won’t bring it up again. I just-“ he held her tighter when he heard a soft sob against his neck. “I love you so much, Olivia. I can’t ignore your pain. You deserve better than an asshole who would ignore your pain.” 

She took a shaky breath. “You really never knew?” 

“I shut that phone off after the shooting, and got a new one when we moved overseas. By the time I even thought about turning this one on again it was gone. I found it in Kathy’s stuff. I had a hunch-“

”I don’t care.” She clung to him tighter, hiccuping against his neck as her tears slowed. “El, the woman in those voicemails doesn’t need you anymore, and I need you to let her go. I need you to stop torturing yourself, and let her go, so that I can let go too.” 

His heart shattered, knowing she’d been carrying so much shame all these years that wasn’t hers to carry. 

He rocked her as a fresh round of quiet sobs rippled through her, stroking her hair to try and soothe her. “Shhh, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” 

She lifted her head, but stayed firmly in the safe cocoon of his arms. “I don’t know what came over me. I just-I wasn’t expecting.” 

“It’s alright.” He wiped her tears with his thumb, kissing her forehead. “Everything’s alright.” 

“It did help, you know? Hearing your voice. Even though you didn’t answer, you still helped.” 

“I’m glad.” He was relieved when she laid her head against his shoulder again, relaxing against him. “But it shouldn’t have just been—I would’ve been there if I’d known, Olivia.”

She nodded, kissing his shoulder. ”I know that. I don’t want you to torture yourself.” 

“I deserve it.” He buried his nose in her hair. 

She shook her head, kissing his neck. “You’re here now. You make me feel safe now when I have a nightmare. That’s what matters to me. It doesn’t take long to go to sleep after anymore. That was ten years ago, Elliot. That was when I was still raw. Now? Especially when you’re next to me, and I can feel your heartbeat and know that nothing can hurt me? That’s all I care about. The Olivia you heard on your old phone doesn’t need you anymore, but I’ve had a tough week, and I could use my partner tonight. Can you please just… be with me?” 

“I’m right here, Captain.” He kissed her temple, continuing to sway from side to side as if it would calm the storms in her mind. 

“Thank you.” 

Later, when they were curled up together in her bed and the nightmare came he was there with a shoulder to cry on, and soothing words and touches. He was there with a reassurance of safety and love, and a promise that she’d never have a nightmare without him again. Which was unrealistic but sweet, and she loved him for it. 

”Hold me until I fall asleep?” She laid her head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat calm her nerves. 

He held her the entire night and every night after that she let him. 

Chapter Text

Olivia knew Elliot would be worried sick if he knew she was driving right now. New York was facing a historic blizzard, and residents were being warned to stay off the roads, but she couldn’t stay in her apartment a second longer. Noah was in Woodstock, and it wasn’t like she was just out driving with no destination in mind. She needed her partner. She needed the man who knew her imperfections and loved her with all of  his heart anyway. Plus, it wasn’t the worst of the storm yet. Road conditions were deteriorating, but she was close enough to Long Island City that she felt like she would be able to make it to Elliot’s before travel was impossible. 

The fact that he may not even be home didn’t cross her frazzled mind until she was just a few blocks from his place, but she had a key, and he’d told her she could use it anytime she wanted. 

Burton Lowe had tried to reach out to her again, and she quickly blocked his number, reminding herself he had no idea where she lived. Still, the  fact that he could show up at the precinct made her shudder, so she wasn’t going there. Not in these conditions when it would be difficult for her squad to get to her due to the slick roads. 

The sleet was coming down harder now, and her car hitting a patch of ice forced her back to the present as she narrowly avoided crashing into the car next to her. To her relief, the lights were on in Elliot’s loft, and she could see his truck parked in the spot. She pulled in next to it, holding on to both of their vehicles to  keep her balance as she walked up to the gate. 

A small smile formed on her lips when she was close enough to see him through his kitchen window on the patio. Just the sight of him made her feel better. He wasn’t looking outside though. He was at the sink, putting marshmallows into a mug of what she would assume to be hot chocolate. 

Despite knowing the ground beneath her was getting increasingly more slippery, she took a larger step and lost her footing. 

Olivia groaned, and knew she must have yelled loud enough for him to hear a noise because she heard the patio door open. 

“Olivia! Shit.” 

She closed her eyes, grimacing as pain shot through her ankle and her head. “Fuck.” 

He grasped her hands and carefully pulled her up, steadying her with his arms around her waist. “Jesus, Liv, are you ok? Where are you hurt?” 

Something in her heart warmed at his protectiveness. “I’m fine.” 

Elliot cupped her cheek in his hand. “You are not fine. I heard you fall from inside. Can you walk?” 

“I think so.” She tried to ignore the pain in her ankle when she moved, but he noticed. 

“Lean on me. Let’s get you inside where it’s warm. I’ll get you something for your ankle, and make sure you don’t have a goddamn concussion.”

She would’ve rolled her eyes if her head wasn’t throbbing, but she leaned on him heavily, remembering that the whole reason she’d come here was that she knew he’d be there for her and take care of her, and that was what he was doing.

They made their way inside slowly, and he took her coat, then guided her to the couch to help her take off her boots. 

He gently pulled her sock off so he could look at her ankle. “It’s red, but doesn’t look too swollen. You might’ve just aggravated it. It could’ve been a lot worse though. What the hell are you doing here?” His face softened when she sighed. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?” 

“I need to talk to you.” 

Elliot kissed her softly, brushing her hair back from her face. “Not that I’m not always happy to see you, sweetheart, but this could’ve been a phone call.” 

“No, it really couldn’t have been.” 

The concern on his face grew, and he stood to retrieve the blanket from the back of the couch, covering her with it. “I’m gonna get you some ice and then we’ll talk, ok?” He kissed the top of her head, and she swallowed the lump in her throat. 

This was exactly what she needed. 

Everything he did: massaging her ankle, wrapping an ice pack around it, preparing a mug of hot chocolate for her, checking her eyes for a concussion, using his fingers to brush the pieces of ice crystals from her hair, elevating her ankle on a pillow, he handled her with such loving tenderness it made her want to cry. 

“I wish you would’ve at least called and told me you were coming. I would’ve put some salt down and helped you walk in.” 

She gave him a knowing look. “You would’ve told me to stay home.” 

“The way it is right now? Probably, but if you really needed me I would’ve found a way. I just-you could’ve been killed. ” He sat down next to her, wrapping his arms around her, and pulling her against him. “You know you’re staying, right? There’s no way in hell you should drive home tonight.” 

She snuggled into him, resting her face in his neck. “I was hoping you’d say that.” 

“You scared me to death tonight. Seeing you laying on the ground like that-“ he shook his head. “ Call me first next time, ok? It’s in the single digits out there. What if I hadn’t been home? Or if I’d been in the shower? You could’ve frozen to death.” She could hear the fear in his voice.

“El-“ 

“Olivia, please. Please promise me if it’s this dangerous outside you’ll call me next time. Promise me.” He held her tighter, leaning his forehead against hers. 

“I promise.” She gave him a long kiss. “I really am ok, El.”

“I know, baby. I just-the thought of losing you…I can’t even think about it.” He returned her kiss with a deeper one, and she moaned contentedly, almost forgetting why she’d come here in the first place. It was the same for her. She’d already lost him once, and the thought of losing him permanently was too painful to even consider, but they knew in their line of work everyday there was a risk, and neither of them wanted to ever take each other for granted again.

She snuggled back against him when the kiss broke, and he adjusted the blanket. 

“Are you warm enough?” Olivia nodded. Elliot’s voice in her ear and breath on her neck made her warm in a different way, but she hadn’t come to him for that tonight. ”What did you need to talk about?” 

She felt her muscles tense. “Do you remember me telling you about Burton?”

Elliot massaged the nape of her neck, as he often did to soothe her when she was upset about something. “Yeah.” 

“He uh…he texted me last night.” 

“Did he threaten you?”

”No, it wasn’t a threat.” She reassured him, seeing the fire in his eyes. “At first he claimed he wanted to make amends. He said he’d been drinking, and that he was just angry about the lies people were spreading.” 

“Sounds less like amends and more like a scumbag making excuses.” Elliot’s jaw was clenched, and he spoke through gritted teeth. His protective rage was a familiar comfort. 

“Yeah, well, I was just gonna ignore him, but then he sent me another message claiming he knew I had just gotten confused, and misunderstood what happened between us all those years ago. I didn’t fucking misunderstand anything, Elliot. He groomed me, he raped me, he got into my head, and tried to make me think he’d actually loved me. Now forty years later he thinks I should just forgive him. He said he didn’t understand why I couldn’t just forgive him, why I was still hung up on it because it wasn’t that big of a deal.” She was shaking with anger and Elliot held her tight.

”You don’t owe him anything. You know that right? He’s a predator, Olivia,” Elliot added firmly.

”I know. I blocked his number, but my skin was crawling, and I didn’t want to be alone. Some of the things he said…he said I didn’t put up much of a fight. How could I have been so stupid?”

”It wasn’t your fault. You were a child . This is not on you. Do you hear me? That’s on him.” 

“I kept thinking I didn’t remember it being anything violent, but… I know at one point I told him it hurt, and he just said that was normal. It wasn’t normal. None of it was fucking normal.” 

“No, it wasn’t.” His voice had softened when he noticed the tears she’d been trying to hold in, and he rocked her back and forth to try and soothe her. 

“I can’t believe I thought he was my soulmate at one point. The fact that I slept with him as an SVU captain makes me sick.” 

“That doesn’t matter, and you know it. He manipulated you. It wasn’t your fault-“ Elliot repeated, and she attempted to cut him off. 

“El-“ 

“If you were working a case, talking to a victim right now, what would you be saying?” 

She shook her head, pulling away from him slightly. “It’s different.” 

“It’s not. You’ve gotta stop beating yourself up for being human, Liv. It doesn’t matter if you were a cop or not. He’s a predator, and he knew how to get into your head. He did to you what he did to so many other women, and you are no more at fault than they are for what that bastard did. I will keep telling you that as many times as you need to hear it.”

“He wants me to meet him-“ 

“Hell no.”

”Part of me wants to say that. I don’t want to ever be in the same room with him again, but part of me feels like I need to hear what he has to say because maybe then he’ll leave me alone. I hate that he has this… power over me. I can’t forgive him, El. I can’t because you’re right, I don’t owe him that, but also because the thing I don’t know how to accept is that I’d thought he loved me at one point, and back then-“ she paused, taking a shaky breath. “Back then if he didn’t love me no one did. Maybe my mother did on some twisted level.  She tried to protect me from him. It took me so long to realize that it was love and not control.” 

Elliot cleared his throat, kissing her forehead. “She still hurt you too. This doesn’t excuse that. Yeah, in this situation maybe she was trying to protect you, but abusing you wasn’t love.  You needed love, and if she’d known how to show it to you, you may not have been targeted by Burton in the first place. Listen, Liv, whatever you decide to do I will support you. You wanna confront this prick, I'll go with you so you aren’t alone. If you don’t then don’t respond to him, and if he finds a way to contact you again, I’ll deal with him.” 

“Elliot,” she warned.

”I’m serious. If he messes with you again he’ll have to go through me, and I’m a former marine and a cop. I know how to make it look like an accident.” 

“Right, and how exactly is it gonna help me if you end up in prison for murder?” 

“Fine. I’ll make sure it’s justified, but I’d do anything to keep you safe, sweetheart. You know that.” 

She did know that, because he’d shown it time and time again, and because she’d do the same for him. 

“Can I admit something that will make me sound pathetic?” 

“You can tell me anything.” He reassured her. 

“The reason I came here tonight was because I couldn’t get his lies out of my head. He makes me  feel vulnerable  like I’m sixteen again, and I hate it. I just—I needed to be reminded of who I am. I wanted to be with someone who actually loves me, and isn’t just saying that to get something from me. 

“You are with someone who loves you, Olivia.” He kissed her tenderly. “Very very much. There is no shame in wanting that. There’s nothing pathetic about wanting that because love is a basic human need. You deserve it whether you think you do or not. You deserve the love you give to everyone else. 

She smiled, swinging her legs over so she could curl up in his lap. “Italy made you soft, Stabler. Either that or age. Maybe those hard edges left with your hair.”

”Hey! Watch it.” He feigned offense, but helped her shift into a comfortable position against him. “Baby, we should keep your ankle elevated.” 

She groaned. “It’s fine. I just need to be off of it for a bit.” 

“I just like taking care of you. You usually don’t let me.”

“Exactly, so don’t get used to it.” She quipped.

“You want some Advil for the pain?”

Olivia shook her head as she snuggled into him, closing her eyes as she rested her head in the crook of his neck. “That would require me to move so you could get up.” 

Elliot kissed the crown of her head, smirking as he stood with her securely in his arms. 

“Elliot! Put me down.” She laughed while he carried her into the kitchen. It was cheesy as hell, and she loved him for it. He set her on the counter, filling a glass with water and crushing the pill up in the water like he knew she needed. ”Now you’re just showing off.” She added after she’d swallowed.

”What? That I know how to woo Captain Benson?” He made a dramatic show of flexing his muscles. 

She smiled wrapping her arms around his neck when he picked her up again. “You don’t need to woo me. You just need to never leave me again.” 

The lighthearted mood was lost as guilt creeped into his expression. “Never again, Liv. I promise.”  

She kissed him deeply in lieu of a response, only breaking the kiss so they could lay on the couch. 

“Shit, I should’ve gotten you another ice pack.” He started to move, but she cut him off with another kiss, giving him a seductive look. 

“I have a better idea. Kiss me, Detective.” 

Elliot grinned cheekily. “Is that an order, Captain?” 

“Oh shut up.” 

They exchanged several kisses, losing themselves in each other as the snow fell outside the patio window. She already felt lighter and safer like she knew she would. He was her true soulmate. The one whose love for her was genuine, who looked out for her, and wanted to take care of her, and would do anything in the world for her, and they were finally free to love each other the way they always had. 

Eventually she dozed off in the protective cocoon she was wrapped in, waking up only briefly a short time later as Elliot carried her to bed. He was her security blanket, and despite the frigid night, she’d never felt warmer.  

Chapter Text

“Damnit!” The coffee pot shattered in the sink, and he pressed a paper towel to the cut to try to stop the bleeding. 

“El?” He heard Olivia’s voice call behind him, and the sound of the patio door closing. “Everything alright?” 

“Hey, Liv.” He attempted a smile and hid his hand behind his back. She’d already been worried sick about him, and he didn’t want to add to that. “I didn’t know you were coming by.” 

“I should’ve texted you.” She put a box on the counter. “I wanted to bring by some baby stuff I still had of Noah’s for Owen. I would’ve taken it to Eli and Becky’s place, but I didn’t know if they’d feel weird about me going there.” 

“Liv, you’re family.” He wrapped his free arm around her.  “Besides, I think they’re grateful for any help they can get at this point.”

Olivia sighed. “It still…what if Eli needs more time to adjust to… us? I just—I don’t feel right taking that title from Kathy. She may not be here anymore, but she’s still grandma.” 

Elliot nodded.  “Mimi? Gran? Meemaw? Nana Liv?” 

Olivia glared at him. “I’m fifty-seven not eighty-five, and we are in New York. If you call me Meemaw I will shoot you, and you know I have perfect aim.” 

Elliot chuckled. “Nana Liv it is then.” 

Olivia smiled hesitantly. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

“My kids are adults. Kathy has been gone for five years. It doesn’t mean we didn’t love her, and we don’t miss her, but you and I? I don’t think this is a surprise to anyone even my family. They love you. I love you.” 

“I love you too, and I love all of them. I just want to make sure-“ 

“I know.” Elliot kissed her forehead.  

“How’s Eli doing?” 

Elliot grimaced, ignoring the sting of pain in his opposite hand when he placed it on the counter. “It’s his first shooting. Becky thinks he’s having regrets. She thinks he’s afraid to tell me he doesn’t want to be a cop because he thinks I’ll be disappointed, so add that to the list of ways I’ve fucked up my kids for life.” 

“Elliot-“ 

”I’m afraid if I say anything to him about it now he will take it to mean I don’t think he’s cut out for the job.” 

“Maybe just…tell him you understand. Tell him how hard it was for you after Jenna. Plus, none of us were prepared for how it would feel the first time we shot someone. We’re human. It’s not supposed to be easy no matter who it is. Cragen always told us not to worry when we feel something; worry when we don’t. Maybe just tell him that, and let him know if he does want to talk that you’ll support him.” 

“You don’t think he’ll take that as me trying to talk him out of doing the job?” 

“If he’s having second thoughts he may be grateful.” Olivia shrugged. “You could also advise that he see a shrink not connected to the department.” 

Elliot snorted. “He’d tell me to shove it. Stablers don’t have a good track record with therapy.” 

“That’s actually the other reason I stopped by. You have an appointment this afternoon.” 

He groaned. “Fucking Randall.” 

“He’s looking out for you.” 

“He should mind his own business. First he’s talking to Vargas about Joey, and now he’s talking to you about me. I told him to stay out of my work life.” He winced when he realized what he said. “Liv-”

“Is that all I am? Your work life?” 

“Of course not, but he doesn’t need to bother you about this stuff.” 

To his relief, instead of looking rejected, Olivia smirked. “You’re just worried he’s gonna hit on me again.” 

“He had some balls asking you out while I was in a coma.”

“It got you to wake up, so it was worth it.” Olivia rested her hand on his chest.  “Besides, he’s not my type, and you know damn well my coleslaw comes from the grocery store deli counter.” 

Elliot laughed. “It got him to shut up, so it was worth it.” 

Olivia stepped back, crossing her arms. “Back to you though, partner, are you gonna tell me what’s up with your left hand?” 

“Huh?” 

“Well when I first came in, I heard you yell, part of your coffee pot is in the sink, you’ve been hiding your left hand the whole time I’ve been here, and you looked like you were in pain when you put it on the counter.” 

As much as he thought he was putting on a good facade, they were still partners. No one could read him better than she could. 

“Nothing gets past you, does it Captain?” 

“I didn’t get the promotion by being clueless. Besides, you had a TBI. You need the people who love you to check on your well-being while you recover.” 

“You know maybe you and Randall should be together. You sound just like him.” 

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Stop deflecting, Detective. Answer the question.” 

Elliot shrugged. “It’s nothing. I was trying to make coffee, and my hand was shaking a little. I dropped the pot in the sink. Some of the glass broke and cut my hand, but it’s not-“

”That is not nothing, Elliot.” She glared at him. “Show me your hand.” 

“I already took care of it. It’s not bleeding-“ 

She cleared her throat. “Detective Stabler, I outrank you, and I need to assess your injury. Show me.” 

“The rank kink is only a thing in bed, Captain Benson,” his voice dropped to a husky level, but he placed his hand palm up in front of her. 

“Jesus, El. I’m gonna get the first aid kit.” He watched as she quickly walked to the bathroom and heard her searching under the sink. “Is this the first time you’ve had a hand tremor?” 

“You’re making it sound more serious than it was. My hand was shaky, and I got a cut. It’s not that big of a deal.” He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince her so she didn’t worry, or convince himself so he didn’t have to think about the possibility of having career ending nerve damage.

She came back into the kitchen, taking supplies out of the kit. ”You should tell your doctor.” 

“I don’t need-“

”Elliot,” she snapped. “You had a traumatic brain injury. You were so close to death that the doctors were trying to prepare us for having to make a decision if you were declared brain dead. Randall and your mother were talking about calling a priest. There was bleeding on your brain, and no one knew if-“ Her voice cracked, and she looked away from him, swallowing hard. 

“Liv, I’m alright. I promise. I’m alright now.” He gave her a soft smile. “I know I scared you even if you told me I didn’t.” 

“You terrified me.” Olivia countered. “I can’t lose you again. It would destroy me.” 

“You won’t.” Elliot kissed the top of her head, pulling her close. He didn’t speak for a couple of minutes, but decided to offer her an explanation to ease her mind. “I had a nightmare last night. The hand thing started after I woke up.” 

“Even if it’s PTSD related you should still get it checked out. Promise me. ” 

He sighed, but nodded. “I will.” 

“And you need to go to your therapy appointment.” 

“I was already planning to.” 

“El-“ 

“I’m going. I swear.” He assured her. “Love you, baby.” 

Olivia kissed him deeply. “Love you. Now sit down, and let me clean your cut.” 

“Yes, Captain.” He grinned when she rolled her eyes. The grin turned into a wince when she began gently pulling out the pieces of glass in the cut with the tweezers.

“Hold still.” She commanded, cleaning the cut once the glass was removed. “I don’t think you need stitches.” 

“Thanks for that, Doctor Benson.” He watched as she tenderly applied a bandage to the palm of his hand, completing her treatment with a light kiss. Then, she reached for his other hand, pressing her lips to his other palm. 

“I’ve known these hands for so long.” She intertwined her fingers with his on his uninjured hand, and he placed his bandaged hand on top of hers. The tremor seemed to have stopped, at least for now. 

“Is that your way of saying I’m old?” 

“Well you are,” she quipped. “But, no. Just that they’re some of the strongest, steadiest hands I know, and they’ve carried a lot, and it’s okay if they need a little help, or just something to hold on to.” 

“That’s deep.” 

“I can be deep,” she deadpanned. “Is Randall driving you to your appointment?” 

“Probably.” 

“Good. I gotta get back to work. Let me know how it goes, ok?” 

“I will.” He watched as she picked up her purse. “Hey Liv, be safe, ok?” 

“I’ll try my best.” 

He pulled her into a tight embrace, and thankfully his hands didn’t shake as he held her.

They held each other steady the way they always had. 

Chapter Text

Olivia smiled when she came out of the courthouse and saw her partner at the bottom of the steps, blending into the crowd, but watching her carefully, scanning the area around her as she walked toward him. 

“Hey.” Elliot reached his hand out, resting it on the small of her back when she got to the bottom of the steps. “You okay?” 

“I will be.” She leaned into him for a moment, resting her head on his shoulder and yawning. The weight of the past few weeks was heavy on her soul. “Thank you for being here.”

”Of course.” They walked to her car in sync, and she stopped him with a hand on his chest before he could open the passenger door.

”Did you-“ 

“I took care of it.” He responded, seeming to immediately know what she was asking. “Bastard won’t be bothering either of you again.” 

“Is he breathing?” She’d known Elliot had gone rogue since Joe Jr’s death, and she’d been keeping a close eye on him to make sure he didn’t go too far and lose himself. She also knew that there was no one she trusted more to protect her and her son. If no one else was going to take her seriously, she had no problem calling for backup. If Gomez was gonna send his guy to threaten her son, she had a guy of her own. 

”Not as easily, no. I didn’t kill him, but he knows if he tries anything again, he’ll have to go through me, and it won’t end well for him.” 

It warmed her heart how seriously he’d always taken keeping her safe, and while she could take care of herself, it was comforting to have him by her side again. He knew what she’d been through in the decade he was gone, and he promised he’d never let anyone hurt her again. She would kill for him too, and they both knew it. The trucker who put him in a coma was lucky she hadn’t had the chance to get her hands on him.

She leaned in and kissed him, now that they were out of sight, feeling the bristle of his beard against her skin. Her hand was right over his heart, and she was beyond thankful for every time she still felt it beating after how close she came to losing him. 

“Thank you.” 

“Always.” He grinned, kissing her forehead. “Let’s go rescue Noah from mama and my idiot brother.”

Olivia laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck. They held each other for a couple of minutes before they got in the car. 

“You’re driving.” She tossed him the keys. “I’m tired.” 

“Aye aye, Captain.” He teased, earning him an eye roll.

They hadn’t disclosed that things had changed between them yet to anyone except their families, but they knew their squads suspected. Bernie, as expected, was excited and immediately started treating Noah like another grandson, and Noah seemed to enjoy spending time with the Stabler matriarch. Randall had offered to have Noah over since he had off school today, and with the threats, Olivia wasn’t comfortable with him staying home alone even with unís stationed outside. 

The minute Elliot had heard about the threats he’d practically moved into their apartment and assigned himself as their protective detail, not trusting rookies to protect them as well as he could. 

“What did you do to him?” Olivia asked after a few minutes of silence.

He cleared his throat, and she saw the muscles of his jaw flex. “Had a chat.” 

“Uh-huh,” she smirked. His protectiveness used to drive her crazy, and still did when it was over the top, but there were times when she found it sexy, and today was one of those. “Is that all?” 

“Are you asking so you can scold me, Captain? Or is this a kink of some kind?” 

“Maybe I’m just curious.” She watched the muscles of his forearms as he maneuvered the steering wheel with ease. Now that they were in the car, they could be more bold with their flirting. 

“I told him everything I knew about him, slammed him against the wall, and told him if he went near my friend or her son again I’d take him apart,” he growled.

Her tone was husky when she replied. “Your friend ?” 

“That’s what we are to the public eye isn’t it?” 

She didn’t reply for a moment, contemplating her response. “Maybe it’s time to change that.” 

His responding grin was wide. “Yeah?” 

“We could talk about it this weekend?” 

“I’m good with that if you are.” He reached over and squeezed her hand, turning into Randall’s driveway. 

“I think I’m ready.” She smiled, turning to him when he stopped the car. “Hey, are you planning to shave?” 

“You don’t like the beard? You seemed to be enjoying it last night.” He replied seductively, sending heat to her core as she remembered the friction of it in between her legs while his tongue worked inside her. 

“I never said I didn’t like it. Maybe I’m hoping I’ll get to play with it again.” 

Elliot groaned. “You’re gonna kill me, Benson.” 

“Are you complaining?” 

“Definitely not, but for the record? You don’t have to thank me like that. I’ll guard your body anytime you want.” 

“Is that all you’ll do?” Even though they’d been teasing and flirting, she could hear the sincerity in his words, and she leaned over and she kissed him softly. “I love you.” 

“Love you more, Liv.” He squeezed her hand again before stepping out of the car. “Let’s go see your boy.” 

Chapter Text

Elliot’s heart stopped when he saw Cassidy’s name light up his phone screen. He’d had a bad feeling all day, and now he was terrified. 

“Stabler.” 

“Hey man, you busy?” 

Even if he was, he’d stop everything if Olivia needed him. “What’s wrong? Is Liv-” 

Cassidy sighed. “She locked herself in the bathroom and won’t come out, but she’s crying, and she won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do.” 

In his mind, Elliot wanted to comment on how Brian had worked SVU long enough that he should be able to handle this, but he knew that wasn’t fair. 

It had broken all of them more than any other case. It was different when it happened to someone you love. 

It helped that Lewis was dead.  He could never physically hurt her again, Elliot had made certain of that. He’d put a bullet between the monster’s eyes, and no one questioned that it was self defense. He wished he could’ve done more than just shoot him, but Olivia had been and always would be his priority, and he would never get her haunted eyes out of his head as she clung to him, pleading with him to get her out of there. 

“Has she said anything?”

“Not a word, but she needs you. You’re the only one she trusts when it’s this bad.” 

Cassidy had called him before, when Olivia woke up from a nightmare, and was too scared to go back to sleep. He’d call Elliot, and Elliot would soothe her as much as he could over the phone, calming her down the way only he seemed to be able to.  

Elliot put his shoes on, searching for his car keys. “Did something in particular happen today that might’ve triggered it?” As far as he had known she hadn’t had a bad week. She’d just been feeling under the weather with a stomach bug. 

“She’s been unsettled all day, but I mean that’s expected after everything. I thought it might be because she knows I’m working the late shift tonight, but you know Olivia, she’d never admit she was scared to be alone.” 

“You try getting the night off?” If he didn’t, Elliot was gonna lose his shit. 

“I offered to. She wouldn’t let me and kept insisting she was fine. My CO is being a stickler about this operation tonight. I didn’t know what to do.” 

Elliot clenched his jaw. He knew what he would’ve done, exactly how he would’ve told his boss to fuck off, not caring if it cost him his job, but he had to put his worry for Olivia above his anger at Brian or anyone else. “Alright, look, it’s probably not that anyway. Knowing Liv, she understands the job better than anyone. She’s not gonna be this upset over you working late, and this isn’t even the first time you’ve had to work late since everything happened. In fact, she’d probably be more pissed if you stayed home because of her. Has she left the apartment today?” 

There was a pause before Brian responded. “She went to the pharmacy a couple of hours ago. I offered to pick up some medicine for her, but she wouldn’t let me, which isn’t surprising itself.  Stabler she was—she was trembling when she got back, and she went into the bathroom to throw up. She didn’t look hurt, that was my first thought, that some asshole hurt her again, but she went into the bathroom, locked the door, and has been crying for at least an hour.”

Knowing she didn’t look physically hurt did nothing to calm Elliot’s fears. Someone could’ve recognized her, someone could’ve triggered her a different way, or–

His blood ran cold. He needed to get to her. Fast.

“You tell her I’m on my way, ok? Tell her I’m in the car, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He flipped on the lights and sirens in the SUV, allowing him to swerve quickly through traffic as he heard Brian gently relay the message on the other end of the phone. 

“Liv? Babe, I’ve got Stabler on the phone. He’s coming. Elliot’s coming. He’s on his way right now.” 

He could tell Brian was closer to the bathroom now because he could hear Olivia’s sobs more clearly, especially now that his phone was connected to his car’s bluetooth, and it was breaking his heart. 

“Crack the door open if she’ll let you. Ask her to unlock it just so she can hear my voice on speaker through a crack in the door. See if that’ll help.” 

Something told her it wouldn’t, but he had to try. He was still a good fifteen minutes away even with the speed he was going, and he had to reach her somehow. 

A few minutes later, Brian’s voice was back on the line. “Nothing.” 

“Nothing?” Terror gripped him like a vice. “What do you mean nothing? You got a key?” 

“I-I can’t just-” 

“I get that. I get that you wanna respect her privacy. I do too, but Cassidy, if there’s even a chance she might be hurting herself.” 

“Oh God, you don’t think she’d–” 

“I think she went through hell, and she needs someone right now, whether she’ll admit it or not, and the thought of her being alone for hours with no way for either of us to get to her terrifies me.” 

“What do I–” 

“Tell her I’ll be there in five minutes, and that we both need her to unlock the door to at least let us know she’s ok. If she doesn’t do that by the time I get there, we’re picking the lock, and one of us is coming in. She can pick who, but one of us is coming in. We’re not upset with her. We just wanna make sure she’s ok.” 

Distantly, he heard Brian doing what he’d asked, but he was barely paying attention, too focused on getting to his partner. He gripped the steering wheel tight as he sped through the streets, not giving a shit how many traffic laws he was breaking. 

X

He took the stairs two at a time when he finally got to the apartment complex, pausing when he got to her door, and putting his phone to his ear again. “Cassidy? Are you still there?” 

“Yeah I am. She’s–she still hasn’t come out.” 

“That’s alright. Listen, I’m here. I’m gonna use my key. I don’t want you to leave her to come and open it, but tell her I’m using my key so the door opening doesn’t scare her, alright?” 

Despite how frantic he was, he kept his footsteps quiet, taking a deep breath so his voice was gentle when he knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Olivia? It’s me. It’s Elliot. Can you please let me in? I just wanna know you’re okay.” There was no response except for sniffles, but after a few moments he heard the door unlock. “Alright. Alright, I’m gonna come in, and we don’t have to talk. I just want you to know I’m here for you unless you’d prefer Cassidy come in. Can I come in?” 

“El?” Her voice was hoarse and shaky. 

“Yeah, it’s me. It’s just me. I’m here for whatever you need. I’m gonna come in and check on you, ok? Then if you want me to leave you alone I will, but I need to check.” He turned the doorknob when she didn’t object, and his heart stopped. She was on the floor leaning against the toilet, eyes red rimmed from crying as he expected. There was a plastic bag from the pharmacy on the counter that looked like it had a small box inside of it. 

She looked terrified. 

“Close the door. Please? I don’t–I don’t want Bri to hear. I’ll tell him eventually. I just–” 

“Shh, ok.” He tried to soothe her, closing the door. “It’s just us now. Can I come sit with you?” 

He wanted to hold her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and hold her until she wasn’t hurting anymore, but PTSD was unpredictable, and he had no idea if she was okay with being touched right now. 

Thankfully, she nodded, and he lowered himself down to sit beside her, restraining himself from reaching for her, but keeping his arms open. She could reach for him if she wanted to. 

“What did Brian tell you?” She didn’t meet his eyes, focusing on the counter instead. 

“Just that you were upset, but he wasn’t sure why.” 

She took a shaky breath. “I can’t just tell you I’m fine and send you home, can I?” 

He shook his head. “Do you want to?” 

“I don’t know,” she sniffled.  “I don’t know how to tell you. I don’t even know how to start. I don’t want any of you to hate me.” 

“Oh honey, we won’t. No matter what it is I promise we won’t. Come here.” He didn’t know where the ‘honey’ came from, but he couldn’t help it. She sounded so broken, and he needed her to know how much she meant to him. “I could never. C’mere.”  She turned and grabbed onto him the minute he pulled her into his arms, clutching him tightly the way she had when she was rescued. He’d held her just as tight, rocking her slowly the way he’d done when he held her in the ambulance. “Shhh, it’s alright. It’s alright. You’re safe now. I’ve got you. Whatever’s goin’ on, we’ll get you through it, ok? I’m right here.” 

He held her silently for a while, not pushing her to talk, just wanting her to feel safe and loved. 

“I don’t know how to tell you what happened, but I need to. I–” she shuddered in his arms, gripping him tighter. 

“Did Cassidy say something that triggered you?” He continued when she shook her head against his neck, adjusting her more securely on his lap. “Did someone trigger you at the pharmacy? Did someone hurt you?” If they did he would kill them, and he would never forgive himself for once again failing to protect her.  

“No. It’s not that. I promise.” 

Elliot pressed his lips to the crown of her head gently. “Is it medicine? Did you get medicine to help with your stomach, and you’re scared to take it?” A fresh wave of sobs ripped through her, and he cradled her head in his hand, stroking her hair. “Shhh, it’s ok. It’s ok. How about we dissolve it in water so you don’t have to swallow–” 

“I’m not sick, Elliot!”

Olivia  was crying so hard he was afraid she might choke, and he wanted to calm her before he asked her anything else. “Shhh, I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk anymore. We’re just gonna breathe together, ok? Just breathe with me. That’s it. We’re just gonna sit here and breathe together.” 

“I’m not sick, El.” She burrowed herself tighter against him, hiccuping as her sobs slowed. “I’m late.” 

“As in–”

The only response was a shaky exhale. 

“Are you worried Cassidy won’t take it well because it wasn’t planned?” He planned to have words with the other man if that was the case, but something about the intensity of her reaction told him it was something else. 

“It’s not Brian’s,” she whispered. “We haven’t… not since before–it’s not his.” 

She sounded devastated.

The realization slammed into him like a bullet right before she continued speaking. 

“I lied. I didn’t think it would matter, you know? Lewis was dead. I didn’t need a kit done. I took the morning after pill, but it had already been more than 24 hours.  I thought I could just try to pretend it didn’t happen, and I know what you’re gonna say. I’ve done this job long enough to know that’s not how it works. I just didn’t want to see myself as a victim. I mean…more than I already am, but now-” 

Her words cut off with a sob, and he had to swallow a lump in his own throat. “Oh Liv.” 

“He raped me. The first night after he–he used my keys to–I passed out from the pain, and when I woke up he was on-” she whimpered, unable to voice anything else, and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna make her. 

Whatever was left of his heart shattered. It had been the one thing he’d held onto, that she’d been spared that. He’d gotten to her in time, but he hadn’t, and now all he could do was hold her as she wept openly against his chest. “Oh God. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so so sorry.” 

“I t-tried to fight at first, but he had found the picture of your family on my fridge. The one of you and your kids from Christmas. The things he said he’d do to your girls…” she shuddered. “I couldn’t let him. He was gonna tie you up and make you watch while he did horrible things to them, and then he said he’d make them watch him kill you. I couldn’t–” 

He wanted to bring Lewis back just so he could kill him again. It was a thought he’d had multiple times since he he carried her out of the beach house, but now it was even more intense. 

“Shhh, it’s not on you, Olivia. It’s not on you.” He rocked her, trying to soothe her as much as he could, wishing more than anything he knew how to take her pain away. “You did what you had to do to survive. It’s all over now. I promise.” 

“It’s not. I lied to so many people, and now I have to find a way to-” 

“No, no you don’t, and you didn’t lie. You don’t owe any of us anything. Listen to me,” he cupped her cheek, coaxing her to look at him. “You have every right to hold things back you’re not ready to talk about. I’m so sorry we didn’t get to you in time.” 

She sniffled, holding onto him tight enough that her knuckles were white. “He was gonna do it again before you got to the beach house. He was taunting me, deciding if he wanted to burn my clothes off or cut them. He had a blowtorch, and-” she squeezed her eyes shut. “But then…then you–” 

“Shh, I know. I know. You don’t have to talk about it anymore. You just tell me what you need right now, ok? You don’t have to go back there, Liv. Not ever.” He knew the rest already,  but more than that, he wanted to spare her from having to relive more of the terror she’d suffered at the hands of the devil. 

“I need this to not be real.” Being in his arms seemed to help with the shaking, but tears continued to fall silently, and she hadn’t loosened her grip. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“Are you sure that you’re–” 

“I bought a test when I went out today, but I haven’t taken it yet. I’m scared, and I’m not ready to tell Brian.” She swallowed hard. “I don’t know how my mother did this.” 

“You’re not her, Olivia.” 

“I might be.” 

“No, no matter what happens you’re not gonna be her because you have support. You have a lot of people who love you and will help you through this no matter what you choose.” He corrected firmly. 

“And if I don’t know what to choose? Because right now all of the options terrify me.” 

“And that’s ok,” he murmured, brushing his lips against her temple. “That’s ok. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You’ve got time to think about it, and you’re not going through any of this alone. I promise.” 

“I don’t know how to tell Brian. I know I should take the test so that I can stop agonizing over the what ifs, but–” 

“Why don’t you stay at my place tonight? Elliot suggested, still speaking in a soft tone. “Brian is working late anyway, and I don’t think you should be by yourself right now. You can take the test at my apartment. We’ll go get your stuff together and then head out. He doesn’t have to know until you’re ready to tell him. No one does.” 

“I can’t put all this on you.” Oh sweetheart. 

“You aren’t putting anything on me. You’re my partner, and I wanna take care of you. We’ll go back to my place. I’ll fix something light on your stomach for dinner. You can take one of those tests, and we’ll go from there. One step at a time.” 

“If I take it, but I can’t look at it?” 

“Then I’ll look, and we’ll talk through it. I think you should call Lindstrom so he can help you process things too. No matter what the results end up being.” 

“What if…what if it’s positive, and I can’t–Elliot, he was so evil. He didn’t have a soul. I’m not as strong as my mother was.” 

“First of all, you are the strongest person I know, but second, I will support you in whatever you decide.” 

“Even–”

“I’ll drive you to the clinic myself and hold your hand the entire time,” he reassured her. “Or Amanda could if you’d be more comfortable with her.” 

“If I decide to keep it?” 

“Then I will remind you as many times as you need to hear it that genes don’t matter. That scumbag won’t have any impact on any child you raise because they’ll be yours. They’ll be loved because they’re part of you, and we love you. I love you with all my heart.” He was well aware of how that sounded considering they were in an apartment she shared with another man, but he didn’t care. 

“El, you don’t have to say–” 

“I’m not saying it because I have to, or because I expect anything. I’m saying it because it’s true, and you need to hear it. Nothing that bastard did will ever change how I look at you. Ever.” 

She snuggled back into him. “You say that, but this wouldn’t just be–if I’m pregnant–” 

“Any child of yours would be loved and spoiled rotten no matter whose blood they share because they are a part of you. I’ll say that as many times as you need to hear it, and I’ll obviously be the favorite uncle because we all know I’m the best.” That got a small chuckle out of the woman cocooned in his arms. 

“Don’t let Fin or Nick hear you say that.” 

“They can be the second favorite.” Elliot gave her a small smile, noticing that she had relaxed against him, no longer holding onto him in a death grip. She didn’t pull away though, so he kept his arms around her securely. 

“What if I think I’m ok with keeping it until the birth, and then they look too much like him, and I can’t–” 

“Then we’ll find them a family, and no one will judge you for that or any other decision you make. None of us will be upset with you. I promise.” 

She pulled back, adjusting his soaked, crumpled shirt collar. “I’m sorry. I’ve been slobbering all over you.” 

“Shhh, no, you hold on as tight as you need to, you hear me? You cry as much as you need to. I’ve got you. I’m right here, and you’re safe with me. Always.” 

Olivia laid her head back down on his shoulder, nodding and sighing heavily. “What do I tell Brian?” What if he doesn’t-”

“I don’t think you have to tell him anything until you’re ready, and if he’s anything other than supportive then he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve you.” 

“I wouldn’t blame him if–”

“I would.” He cut her off, kissing her forehead tenderly. “I would because the only one that deserves any blame or anger is Lewis.” 

Olivia shuddered at the name. “Can we not talk about him anymore tonight?” 

“Of course. I’m sorry. Why don’t you get an overnight bag together? I’ll go talk to Brian and let him know I’m taking you home with me. We don’t have to tell him anything else until you’re ready. We’ll keep the test at my place, and if you’d rather wait and take it in the morning or another time that’s ok.” 

“What about-” 

“I’ll hide it somewhere.” He read her mind. “If you aren’t ready to take it yet I’ll hide it somewhere, and when you take it I’ll get rid of it so no one else finds it if they come over.” 

She sighed, relaxing against him again. “Thanks, El.” 

“You don’t have to thank me for anything. We’re partners, remember? Always.” He gave her one last squeeze. “You wanna shower before we go?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Is that your way of telling me I look like a mess?” 

“I just didn’t know if–” 

“Relax.” She slowly got up, wiping her eyes. “I’ll wait and shower at your place. I’m gonna want a shower after I take the test anyway.” 

“Alright.” He stood up, and wiped a few stray tears from her cheek. “Everything is gonna be alright. No matter what. You go pack and think about what comfort food you’ll let me feed you tonight that won’t hurt your stomach. I think we should go lighter than Wo Hop tonight. You want some soup?” 

“I’m not really hungry.” 

“I know, but you need fluids, and if I remember correctly you liked my mama’s chicken and noodle soup recipe. How about if I make some and then if you decide you want it later it will already be ready? I even have some of those crackers you like.” 

“Sweet talker.” She quipped, and he grinned, knowing he was wearing her down. “Make what you want, and I might try some.” 

“Alright. You need help packing?” 

“I’ll be fine.” 

“I know you will.” 

He’d do his best to make sure of it. Whatever it took.