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henry has always had a hard time fitting in. he never knew why, but ever since he was little, he always felt different then other people. he talked too loud and moved too much. his father always said it was good to be unique, but as time passed he was forced to stop those traits. after an argument with his grandmother when he was sixteen, he promised himself that he would never have those characteristics again. with his father passing away a few years later, it was an added need to keep it hidden.
if you told henry when he was thirteen that in his early twenties, he would be out of the closet and in love with a man publicly, he would’ve laughed in your face. he never thought that a guy (the son of the American president in fact) would come to be attracted to him, and loved him. henry never thought that he could be loved by someone. not someone like him. alex gabriel claremont-diaz changed that. alex showed henry what love was, and that he didn’t need to be loved like he was a fragile object. the blonde was extremely scared of the fact that someone did love him.
the new year’s party was different. it had to be if he wanted to get anywhere with alex. he wanted to be around him, so the party was a good excuse to go. he even dressed up for the occasion (for the crown standards.) he didn’t think that he would gather enough courage that at the end of the night, he would kiss alex. of course, as henry was he ran away after. he didn’t know if alex would care if he came back, he had a lot of regrets about that later on.
he didn’t talk to alex for months. he didn’t know what to do, or how alex would’ve even reacted. the first thought that came into his mind was that it would never work, the first son (later ex-son) of the us president and a prince from england. his later thoughts were how it was morally wrong, and how he should be ashamed. he didn’t leave his room for a few days after that.
henry had to face alex at some point, however. it was another stupid gala between the prime minister and the president. it was probably something for the public, for there to be good international relations or whatever. henry arrived later, so he could stay for the least possible time imaginable. he wanted to steer clear from any American guards, but when a guard named amy wanted him to go out of the party into a room, he had to. as he was walking, he was trying to think of his apologies to say to him. henry felt genuinely bad, but as soon as he entered the room all those thoughts came out of his head.
the moments in between those months from the red room to the exchanging jewelry is a delightful blur. this was henry’s first chance at love, and he felt like he was on top of the world.
his thoughts wanted to say otherwise, that he didn’t deserve it and wasn’t worth it, but if alex was there it was okay. he felt okay. he felt happy.
henry doesn’t remember a lot from when the emails between him and alex were leaked. he remembers the chain laid on his neck when he woke up with david by his side, he remembers feeling the key move when he was walking towards the noise that was happening. he doesn’t remember a lot after that. all he does remember is faint blurs of that day. meeting after meeting, feeling like he was being walked all over. he remembers some old white man in a suit yelling at shaan that this should’ve never happened, that something was wrong with henry, that he was a disgrace to the royal bloodline. all henry could do was disassociate and dig his finger into where his gold ring once sat.
that day is still a blur for him, and the days after. all he remembers is him in and out of sleep, barely getting up, and staring at the one spot of his wall that when he squinted hard enough, looked like alex smiling at him. he craved him, but he wasn’t allowed to have him. maybe he was the problem.
after his blurry hours about that day, it’s an understatement to say that he was angry about all of this. he was forcibly outed to a horrible environment, and it wasn’t right. he knew that it wasn’t most of these people's fault, but they weren’t helping find who did this. henry felt betrayed. he has regrets about some of the words he said to people working then, but he had to remind himself that those same people were walking all over him. they weren’t helping him, they were hurting him.
he felt so tired. all of these years of keeping up a good and nice persona just for it to shatter with some stupid electronic mail. he wishes he could remember what happened to him during that time. sometimes he craves it because he wants to know what is going on in his head.
after his anger stage which lasted two or three days, he went back to hiding in his room. henry never wanted to leave the comfort of his bed. it was the only thing other than the key still attaching himself to alex. he slept on the side that alex slept on, and when he did he swears he could still smell the Santal 33 cologne on his sheets.
henry sometimes sort of misses his boarding school days. he was looked at a lot, but the palaces did get him a long way. he would get people to sign some before a fling just so he could talk about his feelings after they were done. he knew it wasn’t healthy that way, but he didn’t know what to do.
he never told them about the issues that run deep, however. he never told his flings about him keeping himself under a persona, or him never feeling fully enough for everyone. he didn’t think anyone else would want that cross to bear.
he couldn’t take it anymore. he was so lost in his thoughts, that he finally asked someone for help.
it was late at night before henry had to go into one of his final “email” meetings. he had a panic attack about it earlier in the hour, and instead of shutting himself out again, he walks out of his room and knocks on a door. he feels bad for waking shaan, but he also has a feeling that shaan doesn’t mind.
it’s a saying that with time, the wound heals. that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you will get better. henry agrees with that now, but some days when he wakes up he knows it’s gonna be a bad day. he feels like how he felt when the ball dropped all those years ago, and those two girls kissed alex. he knows that’s stupid since he’s with him now, but it’s still a valid feeling.
he doesn’t miss the past though. he doesn’t miss the multiple panic attacks a day, with him trying to desperately ground himself with whatever he can (healthy or not.) he doesn’t miss the times when he regretfully ghosted alex, desperately pining for him at the same time.
he still remembers some of the times when he was happy he ghosted him when henry thought that he deserved to be unloved. he remembers waking up from dreams where alex was with him, smiling with him, hugging him with no care in the world.
henry feels better now. he knows that the trauma he felt will never truly pass and that some days he will feel like how he felt before the cakegate incident. it’s better to know now with that hard ache, that he is loved this time. this time it’s better. alex makes it better.