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Chapter Text

It was years after the Battle of Hogwarts, everyone had moved on from the war and had continued living their lives. This, as always, excluded the Golden Trio, more commonly known as Harry Potter; Hermione Granger; and Ronald Weasley.

As per Harry's wish, he got to be an Auror in the Ministry after the war alongside his best friend Ronald Weasley. Their other best friend, Hermione Granger, decided to become a healer as it piqued her interest due to the Battle of Hogwarts.

Although many remember that the golden trio had a particularly hard time with a certain group of Slytherins. Said group, is currently working alongside the trio and have long made amends.

This leads us to the beginning of our story where said few adults were sitting together after work having a drink and doing their weekly meet-ups only for it to be ruined by a certain red-headed woman.

Harry P.O.V.

"Well isn't this a wonderful site to behold?!"

"Ginny I swear we are just catching up."

"JUST CATCHING UP?! They bullied you. They bullied all of us and you are just going to go and be all buddy-buddy with them?! WHAT WOULD RON AND HERMIONE THINK?! WHAT WOULD I THINK? I'M YOUR WIFE HARRY JAMES PO-"

"Gin. Gin. Calm down look Ron and Mione' are with me. Alr, Calm down. And we are not married."

"HOW COULD YOU? ALL OF YOU. YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE ALL DEATH EATERS. So this is where you go. This is what you do instead of staying home and planning our wedding with me?"

"For the love of Merlin Gin. No, we are not having a marriage anytime soon. I love you Gin. I do, but I'm not ready to get married and settle down. Please, if ur going to be more persistent then just go."

*GASP*

"Potter, you don't mean it. You are just stressed from work calm down."

"No. Nott. I'm serious this time. I'm tired. I'm Fucking tired of having to go home every.single.day. and having to repeat myself. I'm not comfortable nor ready to get married yet Ginevra. If you can't respect that then please just fucking GO."

"Oh shit he didn't."

"Riddle. Now is not the time."

"Sorry, Granger."

"HARRY JAMES POTTER. HOW DARE YOU. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE CAN'T BRAKE UP. DUMBLEDOR PROMISED ME YOU'D MARRY ME AND WE'D HAVE KIDS. HE PROMISED ME I'D GET ALL THE FORTUNES AND BE LADY POTTER. YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME. YOU NEED TO SLEEP WITH ME SO I CAN BLAME DEAN'S KID ON YOU."

"What did you just say, Ginevra?"

"H-H-Harry I didn't mean it. I promise. I was just really frustrated and said some random things. I promise its not true."

"Oh shit. She didn't."

"Riddle! And Ginny how could you do this to Harry? Being frustrated isn't an excuse you know."

"Right, right. Sorry, love."

"Well, you were never home. I haven't seen you in ages and we never do anything and when Dean came up to talk to me I couldn't help it. AND SHUT UP MIONE. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT NOT WHEN YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON RON WITH HIM.  I know Ron's not good enough but still choosing him? You really have no shame. He's a monster His pare-"

"Shut up."

"Ron?"

"I said shut up. I'm not going to just sit and watch you throw tantrums and act like a five-year-old. It's pathetic. It doesn't matter what Riddle's parents were like because they are his parents, not him. He's proved himself to have changed and I believe him. They've all proved themselves and if you can't open up ur fucking eyes and see it then you can go fuck off, Ginevra. And for the record, she is NOT cheating."

"Oh shit."

"Oh shit indeed, Harry."

Ginevra left.

"Well. Sorry mate but I don't think it's going to work out between us."

"Took you long enough, Harry. You never would have worked out she was way too obsessed with you and none of us noticed until it was too late."

"Well, this was an exciting day."

"Really? I realize that the woman I'm dating and considering marrying is not only cheatING on me but also using me. And you find this amusing, Malfoy?"

"In my defense, I never like the Weaslette. You lot were tolerable but she? She was a nightmare that I actually considered murdering."

"Wait. wait. WAIT. You're trying to say that you never considered murdering us? Even me?"

"Even you Weasley. Even you."

"Holy shit that's a surprise."

"Hey. You got no right to talk. You are single and you never told me, Granger."

"Ah. Details, details. Not important, Riddle. hehe"

"Alr. That's enough drama for the day. Let's continue with our annual drinking and games." After receiving positive responses we all start drinking, talking, and playing games and among these blurry moments, none of us notice the heavy deathly magic that seems to surround us.

-A few hours ago, Death's Office-

*Death P.O.V.*

Jesus Fucking Christ. Just how much had that madman altered the future of those kids? I will be sending those kids back no matter what Time says. Just as I was planning for a way to convince Time I'm brought out of my thoughts by a heavy and loud sound. I look up to see Eight people storm into my office.

"Why, hello fellow comrades. Who may you be? And do, pray tell what I have done to be blessed by your presence." I ask sarcastically

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Death. I am Fate"

"And I am Destiny. We are honored to be meeting you, sir." The twins reply in sync as usual.

"Really? Every damn time. You do this every damn time we meet Death."

"My, my. Who pissed in your cereal this morning Night. Can't take a joke?"

"Children, enough. We have matters to discuss." Life said not unkindly.

"Yes, we have things to discuss. First, I would like to suggest we send the kids back. I checked the timeline and I admit, we have no other choice. The whole wizarding world is going to be destroyed because of that old fool."

"Woah. Woah. Woah. Hold up. Who are you and what have you done with Time? Weren't you just against my plan?"

"Well maybe it was because it was you."

"Time!" I gasped dramatically and dabbed my nonexistent tears.

"Moving on, do we all agree with this idea?" Time asks.

"They must have their memories otherwise it would be pointless."

"They will have their memories intact Mrs. Potter. So, everyone agrees?"

"Yes. But let's help them out and stuff." Life replies.

"Deal, bring them here Death."

"Yes, sirrrrr." With a swish of my beautiful deathly majestic magic, I killed the said few adults in cold blood –painlessly, unfortunately- and brought them back to my office with a loud bang.

*Harry Potter's POV*

I opened my eyes, expecting to see myself in the pub from our meet up only to realise that I'm in... an office? I assess my surroundings in alert and let my guard down slightly when I notice the others in the same position. We locked eyes with each other and went into defensive mode, ready to fight as we have done together so very many times.

"Woah, woah, chill. All of you can put your wands down we mean no harm."

"Aaaand, Y'all are already dead so no point in trying to kill anyone."

"The fuck?"

"Ron!"

"Mione, love. Hate to break it to you but this isn't a time to be scolding Ron for his language."

"It's because of Him isn't it?" The second we hear this sentence everyone's head is turned to the speaker's direction and to our shock it's Blaise that spoke.

"What?" I ask

"Logically speaking there is no way that all of us would be here together because we know each other and we were having a meet up so unless we all coincidently died at the same time this has to have something to do with you. If that's not the case, then the only reason we are here together would be because of that old fool. And the fact that this fellow has the Deathly Hallows on his wrists while the white floating lady has the exact opposite aura to him means that they are either Death and Life, or this is just a hallucination and we are all fucked up due to the alcohol."

"Great now there's another one of them being with HARRY POTTER situations. My poor SANITY. Curse you, Harry."

"Well thank you ever so much Ronald. Buut acording to my research we are not simply dead, are we? There's some other shit that I have to go save or some shit right?"

"Spot on, son. Spot on. Right, so you guys will have to go back to a certain date in the past to relive your lives from 1st  year. All of your fates have been twisted completely by an Old Dumb Goat who goes by the name Albus Dumbledore."

"James!"

"Lily-Pad he's old enough now. Well, anyway. He's been altering everyone's Fates and has been manipulating the British Ministry and has influenced the ongoings of international politics. His influence is causing the rest of the world to turn their backs on Britain and slowly causing the economic collapse of Britain so you are being sent back to prevent that."

"We would like to also say that you don't need to fear Voldemort as he wasn't the one who killed the Potters but Dumble-whore. Just restore his sanity with a bit of life elixir and his Horcruxes."

"What Life forgot to say was that we would give you the Horcruxes and a phone each for easier contact purposes. And that Bellatrix had a child." Death encourages.

"Her Name is Ji-Yung. Child of Bellatrix Black, Ji-Yong Kwon, and Rodolphus Lestrange. She won't be of much importance just will be mentioned that's all" Life explains

"Waiit. So like my step-sis?"

"And my cousin?"

"Whaa-"

"Mione in the wizarding world everyone is connected somehow. BUT what in the name of PORNHUB is this fuckery."

"You know your also related right Ron?" I ask

"Shove off, Harry."

"Right... Jokes aside let's get this shit straight. They are the child of Bellatrix, Ji-Yong, and Rodolphus. And Mattheo is the child of Bellatrix and Tom. So those two are siblings and then there is Draco who's the child of Narcissa and Lucius. So his cousin. Then there is Weasley who's related to this through a second uncle of sorts. And last but not least you have Potter who is ur second cousin through his grandma."

"Sounds about right Ms. Parkinson" Life nods

"holy shit you fucking inbred purebloods are giving me a headache."

"Alr. Now everyone is acquainted with the situation we will be sending you guys back and communicating through your phones." Death supplies. I give my parents a hug and say my goodbyes before going to stand with the others. Death swishes his hands and we are surrounded by a swirl of deathly magic that somehow sends us all back to our original places.

Chapter Text

-June 23rd, 1991-

4:00 am

*Harry Potter POV*

Blackness. Nothing else. I'm starting to panic that I fucked something up again when I remembered everything.

"Oh shit. Did I die? Oh, wait never mind. I have my eyes fucking closed wonderful. I'm going insane with the weight of the wizarding world. Hah Fuck."

I sit up getting ready to stretch and start my day when suddenly I have a strange sensation on my left side. It feels like there was something touching me. Wtf. If everything is correct, I should be in my cupboard with no one else. So, I did the most reasonable thing to do. Scream and punch. Well, it was a piece of string. And now I am being yelled at by Petunia for waking her up how nice. Once she finally goes back upstairs, I go out to the local park to do some stretches and light workouts. I decided to test my stamina only to be more fucking furious at Dumbledore for placing me with abusive muggles. Never mind let's just focus on getting better.

I go back home and check the time. 7:00. I go for a shower and come out smelling better than a baby's arse. Wait. Oh shit, it's supposed to be smooth as a baby's arse. Well, guess I smell better than shit. Nice. I walk into the kitchen and start cooking breakfast for the fucking obese Dursleys. There were only the drinks left when Aunt Petunia walked downstairs to wake me, and I could tell she was quite shocked. I broke the compulsions on her and watched as she was thinking. I could tell she was having a moment and left her to it.

"I... I don't know what to say. I promise I never meant to do any of the things I have done. Oh, Lilly. I'm so sorry for disappointing you I don't even know why I did what I did. Harry. Please. Believe me. I-"

"It's alright Aunt Petunia. I know you didn't mean to. I believe you and I'm positive my mother did as well. You were forced to by Dumbledor. I undid all of it though don't worry."

"Thank you, Harry. Could you please help me store some of Dudley's presents away? I never did want to spoil my child beyond belief."

"Of course, Aunt Petunia." Wtf. Dudley's presents. Why would he have presents wha? Ohhh. It's Dudley's birthday that makes sense I swear I'm so dumb sometimes it's not even funny. With a wave of my hand, I banish most of the presents to Aunt Petunia's room and continue making breakfast.

Seconds later I can hear loud stomping and creaking from the stairs signaling Vernon and Dudley's arrival. Honestly how the fuck that staircase still has not collapsed is a fucking mystery. I mean it has two whales going up and down it constantly. A big round of applause and congratulations to you staircase good job. I lift my head up and focus on the conversation going on.

"How many are there?" Dudley practically demands

"36... wait there was more when I placed them last night." Vernon bellows until something clicks in his god-knows-how-it-functions-tiny-fucking brain. He turns to me, and the ghost of a smirk appears on his face.

"It was you wasn't it, Boy? You wait. I will give you the beating of your life for stealing Dudley's present you-"

"It was me" What holy shit. OH MY GOD Aunt Petunia. No way.

*Dramatic betrayal Music*

"Petunia? What is the meaning of this?"

"I-I went through the presents and thought that some were unnecessary. I will send them to the store to return." Vernon, Dudley, and I all gasp. I did it just for the fun of it but still.

"And starting from today You and Dudley will be going on a diet. So, I would suggest that you two enjoy your last unhealthy meal." 

Dun.Dun.Dun.

She didn't. She fucking didn't. Damn, she's awesome. Fuck you Dumbledore for taking her away.

"But-but. What is going on?" The Walrus demands. Dudley starts fake crying and wailing for his presents.

"Now let's eat breakfast and go to the zoo as we planned." Walrus reluctantly sat down and ate while Dudley opens his remaining presents. Like in my past life, the Dursleys get a phone call from Mrs. Figg that says she can't look after me and I am forced, quite literarily, to come. As we enter the zoo everything goes the same way as it did in my past life. That is until we reach the reptilian section. This time I walk straight to the giant Boa constrictor and start hissing at it because I want a snake and why the fuck not. It'll piss Dumbledore off so FUCK YEAH.

~Hey, there~

~Ooh a Speaker~

~Yes. That's me wassup. Would you like to come with me?~

~Sure, Speaker~

~hehehehe I have a snake companion fuck yeah this is awesome~

~Maybe I chose the wrong human...~

~Too fucking late. Wait two seconds I'll get you out of there mwah~

I walk away and snicker as I imagine the horrified expression of the snake as I sent it a kiss. Pfft, I am a fucking genius. I stand next to my Aunt and discreetly keep an eye on the Boa constrictor. Once Dudley and his friend went towards the snake and pressed their faces up against it, I waved my hand and made the glass vanish. This resulted in Dudley and his friend falling headfirst into the Boa's sanctuary. I tried so fucking hard to control my laughter. I swear that was hilarious no matter how many times it happened. I alerted my Aunt and Uncle and the three of us rushed towards Dudley. I secretly shrank the Boa and hid him underneath my extremely large jacket from Dudley. We went straight back home after that. I had no punishment and Vernon even slightly nodded in my direction in acknowledgment. That felt fucking weird I'll be honest. I did the rest of my chores and went back to my cupboard and lay down. Then I remembered I had a fucking snake wrapped around somewhere. I panicked and got up hissing softly at him.

~Shit. Sorry you dead?~

~Wow. I really got a weird human~

~Hey! But it is what it is snakey~

~I'm not complaining you seem strong and the best of us are a little bit weird.~

~Glad to know we agree. So, what's your name? -

~My name is Asmodeus~

~Please call me Harry, Asmodeus. Can I call you Deus for short or Snakey? ~

~Alright, Harry. I'll call you dipshit then.~

I chuckle light-heartedly at Deus's humor and nod my head telling him that I don't mind. Suddenly the phone that I received from Death starts buzzing. I pick it up and open it.

*Text*

M.R.=Mattheo Riddle

T.N.=Theodore Nott

L.B.=Lorenzo Berkshire

D.M.=Draco Malfoy

B.Z.=Blaise Zabini

R.W.=Ronald Weasley

H.P.=Harry Potter

H.G.=Hermione Granger

P.P.=Pansy Parkinson

Death;)

Life:)

_Fate_

_Destiny_

Time

Day

Night

The_Red_Head

Prongsie;)

D.M.- Yo.

H.P.- Tf do you want

H.G.- Language, Harry.

H.P.- Let me be woman. I am a free soul. And don't act all fucking innocent we all know you're not. <3

Death;)- @D.M. Your parents have been informed about your cousins' situation. The story is that after she was kidnapped, she escaped and ended up in Wool orphanage. They will pick her up from there. Don't tell her about you guys coming back.

H.P. has changed their username to The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing

D.M. has changed their username to Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple

H.G. has changed their username to Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google

R.W. has changed their username to Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life

P.P. has changed their username to Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm

B.Z. has changed their username to Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss

M.R. has changed their name to Fucking_hottest_Riddle

T.N. has changed their name to The0;3

L.B. has changed their name to Why _am_I_Fucking_here

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Hey guys:|

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- Hey

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- Hoi

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Hey

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- Yo.

Why _am_I_Fucking_here- Wassup?

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- What's wrong?

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- She's screaming at me for annoying 'Perfect Percy'

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Molly?

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Yes :(

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- LOL. Good luck, mate.

The0;3- Yep. Just saw and haha. Suck on that Weasley<3

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Really feeling the love here folks. ;}

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- Yo, @The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing. What's your social media?

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- I can't have one yet I need to wait until my birthday when I get my letter and go 'buy' a phone. I'll tell y'all when I get one:/

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- K. It's late I'm going to head to bed. Gn.

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Gn.

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Gn.

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- Gn.

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Gn.

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Gn.

The0;3- Peace

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- night

Why _am_I_Fucking_here- Gn.

*Text Done*

I close my phone got changed and settled comfortably on the bed. Before sleeping though I remembered to charge my phone and set an alarm for tomorrow. Let the fucking plan: Destroy mf Dumbledore begin.

-July 31st, 1991-

5:00 am

I wake up to my alarm ringing at 5am. I splash my face with water to freshen myself up a bit then get changed and walk out the front door to do my daily exercises. I usually do this with Vernon but sadly he is on a trip overnight and will be back tonight so it's just me today. It's lonely. I come back from exercising at 7.00 every day and today was no different. I take a shower and come downstairs and cook breakfast with Aunt Petunia. By the time I'm done with everything its usually 8.30ish and so when I walked into the kitchen, I see my Aunt.

"Morning Auntie."

"Morning Harry and happy birthday."

"Thank you, Aunt Petunia." Fuck yeah. The letter is here. I can finally start my plans NYAHAHAHAH.

"Your Letter is going to come today so be prepared for that and I got you a present that I hid under your bed for you"

"Thank you, Auntie. I'll open it later." I turn around and open the windows to refresh the air inside. Once done I turn to my Aunt, and we start chatting about everything and anything like usual. We stop when there is a loud sound of footsteps. I stand up and wait for him to sit down and bring him his organic juice. I sit down next to Aunt Petunia and start eating my portion of food. Just as I finished eating and cleaned my plate the mail post arrives.

"I'll get the post." I offer and can barely conceal my happiness at getting that bloody fucking letter. Just you wait Albus. Just you FUCKING wait. Nyahahahahahahahaha.

I get up and walk towards the door to get the mail that had just landed on the floor. I check through them and find my acceptance letter, which I shove into my cupboard, and walk back to the kitchen. I hand the mail over to Petunia and take the finished plates to the sink and wash them.

Once I'm done with the dish washing, I walk up to my Aunt, and she gives me my chore list for the day. Once I'm done with the chores with a bit of magic, I go into the kitchen to see Aunt Petunia drinking tea and doing the crossword. I look around to see Dudley but when I only see my Aunt, I deduct that he is gone to a friend's house. I take this opportunity to go to my cupboard and bring out my letter along with my present. I walk into the kitchen, sit across from my Aunt and open the letter to 'read' it.

"Auntie my letter came. It says I must go buy certain things for school and that I must reply. Can I borrow a piece of paper and a pen to answer?"

"Of course, Harry. Let me just go get one for you quickly." She walks back in with a fancy looking envelop, paper, and pen.

"Remember to be very polite when you write the letter, to annoy a certain someone." I nod my head and inwardly do my evil maniac laughter and write my letter. When I'm done, I show it to her, and she approves so I place it neatly in an envelope and address it to Hogwarts. The letter said:

Dear Deputy Headmistress,

I would be delighted to attend your prestigious school located in Scotland. I do not, however, need assistance to collect my school supplies. I hope that this letter finds you in great health.

Yours sincerely

Hadrian James Potter Heir to the Most Ancient and Noble houses of Black and Potter

I look outside to see an owl waiting patiently on the edge of the kitchen window. I go up to it and tie the letter to its leg and tell it to give it to Miss. McGonagall. I watch as the owl flies away and only when it flies out of sight do I turn around to face my Aunt.

"Right. It's currently 12pm I'll take you to the place you need to buy your school equipment, however, I can't go in with you seen as I'm not a witch."

"That's alright Auntie I have a clear memory of when my parents used to take me there as a baby."

"Alright then, go get changed and we can go. I'll go straight home after dropping you off I know that you have made plans."

"But before that, I need to open my present ehehehehh." I opened the present to see that my Aunt bought me my own phone? Wtf? I look up to see my Aunt standing next to death and smiling at me.

"Well. Death explained everything to Vernon and I the night of Dudley's birthday. I thought that if I gave you a 'phone' as a present Dudley wont question it. And yes, we are working on Dudley together."

"Ahh. That explains why he suddenly was nice to me. So, you were both hurt by Dumbledor. Fine I'll make him pay. I'm hoping you'll stay as my guardians?"

"Of course. I give you full permission to do what you see fit" We look at each other for three seconds before breaking out into laughter. It felt good to have an adult know what was going on and support me about it. Fuck yeah.

"So. How's the weather upstairs your high and mighty Majesty?" I ask death in a teasing tone.

"Ah the weather is very spectacular in the high heavens. Especially with life and Time breathing down my neck :(" Death sighs in the most dramatic manor possible and falls on to the couch like in those theatric ways. I shake my head at Death's antics and go get changed into 'decent' clothes tell Deus that I will be gone for the day and walk out the front door. The only respond I receive is a soft low chuckle from death. I walked into the backseat of the car and took my phone out.

*Text*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing has sent a picture

*View picture*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- On my way to Diagon Ally.

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Ooh meet you there, Potter.

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- I second^^

Why_am_I_Fucking_here- Third^^

The0;3- Forth^^

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Meet you there Haribo. Fifth^^

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Haribo 😂

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- *Audible Gasp* ShE kNoWs HoW tO uSe EmOjI's.

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Pfft😂

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Wow guys. Just Wow :|

The0;3- Aww. Guys, google knows everything. Who is surprised?

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Tf? You fuck-

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- Calm down love. Shut it all of you.

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Alr. We get it no teasing Riddle's girlfriend folks. You heard that? Also, is anyone else coming?

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- Potter, I'm warning you zip it.

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- @The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing Pansy and I are coming to;)

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing-Mione?

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- I just asked my parents, and they don't know the way so...

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Niceeeee. Mione, could you send me your address?

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Sure. It's *random street*. Y?

*Off Text*

"Auntie can we pick up a friend of mine?"

"Sure, Harry. What's their address?"

"*Random street*."

"Alright off we go."

*Text*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Mione tell your parents that were coming to pick you up and get ready I'm not planning on giving you back. Nyahahahahah.

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Thx Harry. I owe you one.

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- @Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google why do you owe him one for taking you away from your parents, Love? What did they do? @The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing tell me.

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- I don't know I just picked up a friend it's her thing ask her yourself.

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- It's nothing big. My parents are muggles. They don't approve of magic. It goes against their religion, so they think I'm a demon or smth.

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- What the fuck? And you all still wonder why we hate muggles @Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life @The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Shh. We get it now. Not important.

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Okay, well looks like everyone is coming. :)

Real_Life_Google_- @Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life Lmaoo mood. They agreed to let me come, though they said they have to meet you first. And a heads up they might say very insulting things too you. You know the drill.

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Like what they did to you after they figured out you were a witch in the original timeline?

Real_Life_Google_- How? Did you?

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- I'm not as blind as you think I am. I noticed while we were still in school, I promise I did try to do something about it, but I was a kid. This time I'm going to do everything I can to protect you so you can relax. I've got your back.💪That goes for all of you btw. <3. Anyways, I'm coming to rescue you princess👑.

*Off Text*

I close my phone and can feel my anger about to burst. Once again fuck Dumbledore. Mione' went through so much yet I didn't see anything because of fucking Albus. I swear I will never let him control me ever again and do everything in my power to protect her. My Sister. To protect them all. To protect my family and Albus can fucking suck it.

I calm myself down and lean on the window and close my eyes.

"Harry. Harry? We are here."

"Huh? When wha-." I open one eye and look around in a daze. Once I knock some sort of sense into my head, I realized we have arrived and get out of the car. I do a once over and once I've deemed myself acceptable to go visit her, I knock on the door. The door opens seconds later to reveal a mop of bushy hair.

"Tf. Huh? Never knew Mione' had a hobby of growing plants? Thought that was more Neville's type of thing? Meh." I reply teasingly only to get a smack in the arm.

"Ow. Ow. Mione'! Your plant is attacking me." I laugh at her red face and flick her forehead with an affectionate smile.

"Harry! It's not my fault my hair is curly, and I refuse to use gel and ruin my perfect hair like your certain boyfriend." She huffs and wiggles her eyebrows at me, and I can feel my face grow hot at the mention of Draco.

"He's not my boyfriend. We are just friends. Yeah, yeah. I get it, so ready to go?"

"Ah, you must be the Mr. Potter that my Hermione has told us about?" a man with light brown hair states, while eyeing me carefully and wrapping his hands on Hermione's waist in an uncomfortable way. This reminds me of the incident Mione' mentioned just as the battle was over.

*Flashback Start*

The battle of Hogwarts had just ended recently, and the three of us were talking with each other.

"Hey. Umm. Don't you two find it curious as to why I didn't go look for my parents again?"

"Well yeah, but everyone has reasons do they not? You didn't mention it, so I didn't bring it up."

"Harry?"

"I agree with what Ron said. Tell us when you feel comfortable."

"Well, don't interrupt me while I'm talking. My dad tried to harass me. I just never felt comfortable with him ever since I started puberty, he kept being weird and I was uncomfortable. I later learned that he had some weird sexual thoughts and things with kids, and I was always one of his targets. He never actually did anything thankfully but still. It was traumatizing. I'm going to get therapy for it and try to get him caught."

*Flashback End*

Thank God this bastard didn't do anything, but I can never forgive him or myself for not doing anything for her.

"Please, it's Harry, sir" Damn I can't even be respectful without wanting to kill him.

"Well, hello Mr. Potter" A woman with dark chocolate brown curls and eyes says. The mother or the fucking accomplice as I like to say. She completely ignores my earlier statement and goes on with whatever fucking thing she has to say.

"I'm Mrs. Granger and this is my husband Mr. Granger and our daughter Hermione of course."

"Yes, yes. Where are your parents though? How old are you? How do you know Hermione. We made sure she wouldn't have any friends at school so she could always rely on me. So, How do you know MY Hermione and what do you want with her? Hermione dear, you should stay away from these guys they only want to bring you to hotels and fuck you. That's ALL they are after your body." Mr. Granger states.

"Your Hermione? Sounds quite peculiar and messed up when you word it like that, sir but of course you don't mean it like that do you?" I taunt with a raised eyebrow.

"You have some nerve boy. You hear him, Emma. Thinks he can say anything he wants and that we are not going to do anything about it. Where's your parents? I'd like to have a word with your parents. They must be sorry people if this is the product that they produced and raised." Oh, shit he went there.

"Father! Harry, I'm so sorry you know my father never meant those words. Please don't take them to heart. I promise I don't agree with him one bit, Harry." She looks at me with actual worry in her eyes and lets a few tears slip. I smile softly at her and pat her head.

"Mione.' Calm down. It's fine. I'm used to this type of treatment already." I turn to Mr. Granger and give him my best glare that I have developed over the years for reporters and stalkers. Damn the perks of being the Boy-Who-Fucking-didn't-Die.

"Mr. Granger my parents are dead. You say you are her father, yet do you know her? I probably can tell you more about her than you, her own father, can. Says a lot if you ask me. I'll have you know that I will be escorting Miss. Granger to get her school supplies." I pause and look Mr. Granger dead in the eye before continuing.

"Secondly, she is joining a different world. A world in which I was born and raised. I can help her more than you ever will be able to. If you really are her Father then you would agree with me but seeing as you are so against it makes me wonder... Are you really a decent father? And I'll have you know that in the wizarding world insulting one's family, especially dead family, is a heavy crime that you cannot afford to cross. Allow me to also introduce my Aunt, Petunia." I glare coldly, befitting of a Lord, at the Grangers. A small lie doesn't hurt. My gaze softens when I look at Mione' and tell her with my eyes to go get her stuff.

"Is there something going on that I should know." My Aunt stands in front of me blocking the Grangers with an unimpressed glare. Seconds later Mione's voice can be heard from the stairs.

"Harry. Can you please help me carry these things? It's a bit heavy." I don't waste a second and go up the stairs without shoes. I see her with all her bags and carry them all down the stairs and out the door to the car. My Aunt comes up to me to 'help' me load them into the car while actually giving Mione' space to talk to her parents alone.

*Hermione's POV*

"You know I actually know all about your weird sexual obsession with kids and have evidence of it. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is you can fucking suck it in hell Bitch. Have fun in jail~. Peace out" I grab my handbag walk out the front door and walk up to the car and sit next to Harry.

"So, you good?"

"FUCK YEAH. That felt fucking refreshing." With that Harry and I talked about random shit to pass time.

*Harry Potter's POV*

I took out my phone and took a selfie with Mione'

"For the others. Everyone is fucking worried for you." I say in reply to her questioning gaze. She smiles in return

*Text*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing has sent a picture

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing - Got the girl in one piece. On our way.

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- Slaying babe~

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Sexy🔥

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- I'm wearing Dudley's hand-me-downs? How is this sexy?

Why_am_I_Fucking_here- Potter. You'd look hot even if you wore a trash bag. Hush.

The0;3- Agreed ^^

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- ^^

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- ^^

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- ^^

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- ^^

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- ^^

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- ^^

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- I fucking give up

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Whatever, we are coming so see y'all. We will be waiting at the ice cream parlor. 💅

*Text Off*

-30minute drive later-

Once we reach The Leaky Cauldron Mione and I bid Aunt Petunia a good day and walk into the pub. When we entered, we barely took notice of our surroundings as we went straight to the back section and tapped the wall. Once the gateway opened, Mione' cast a glamour over me to remove my scar and we walked over to the ice cream parlor and sat down. Only seconds later did Mione' and I see a group of teenagers walk our way heading towards us.

"Oi Oi Oi. What's up Mione'. Where is Haribo and who is this guy?"

"Well, well, if it isn't my favorite friend Ronikins."

"Haribo? Ohh a disguise, smart idea."

"Thx. I did it"

"Alr. What do we do now?" Theo asks.

"Let's split into groups and go to specific shops. We can buy the supplies for everyone, and less time spent."

"Damn. Since when where you so smart Ron?"

"Fuck off Harry"

"Alright let's see I'll go with Mattheo, Pansy, Ron and Hermione to get books. While Harry, Draco, Theo, and Lorenzo can go get the equipment's. When we are done, we can just head to Ma'am Malkin's robe shop for fitting."

"Always the planned one Blaise?" I reply with a soft chuckle. We all agree with his planning but go to Gringotts first and each get an unlimited pouch and cards. After that we go our separate ways.

We went to each store and got supplies for everyone with occasional jokes and shit. Once we are done 30 minutes later, we walk over to Ma'am Malkin's and meet up with the rest of the gang.

"Oh. God, the flirts are back." Mattheo announces

"What are you on about?" I ask as I cock my head to the side.

"Yippee. Harry's being an oblivious twat. And the other three are drooling over each other and Ha-. Mmph." I can see Draco clamp his hand over Hermione's mouth. What's that about? Anyway. I go on to look at the fabrics and can't decide between Acromantula silk or Dragon hide robes. Honestly the only difference I see is one is expensive the other is not. Let's go with the expensive one because silk feels soft and expensive is genuinely always good.

"Choose the Silk one"

"Heh? Wha-. Oh, hello Theo" I look around in confusion and see Theo.

"Pfft. Hello, Harry. The silk ones softer and more comfortable to wear. Also, you look quite cute when you're confused." he says with a soft chuckle, and I can feel my face go hot. I tell Ma'am Malkin's what material we want, and she says it'll take a few hours, so we all leave to go get our wands at Ollivander's. When we went to Ollivander's we all had the same wands as last time. We got out and looked at each other before pulling up our hoods and going to Knockturn. We got a custom wand each without trackers.

"Right. Where to next?" Lorenzo asks.

"The muggle shopping center nearby?"

"Why the Muggle shopping center, Mione'?"

"Your Haribo needs new clothes look at the states of his clothes. I also need some muggle clothing so you guys in?"

"Fuck yeah. Let's go to a mall. I Wanna look around. But let's meet with our parents first." Pansy says and everyone, but Ron agrees.

"It's fine Ron. We'll talk to Molly together." I tell him and he smiles at me. We all go together one by one to everyone's parents and ask for permission to leave. When we reach Ron's mother, we all look to each other and nod.

"Good afternoon, Lady Weasley I am Hadrian Potter." I say as I bow and kiss her left hand as it is pureblood tradition. The others follow my lead and do the same things. The girls curtsying instead and ask for permission. Once she agrees we all place glamours to look 16/17 ish and go outside into the streets of London and look for a shopping mall. A few minutes later finds us inside a mall and we start to get our plan ready.

"Alr. So, we are in a new environment so let's not split up but stay together."

"Smart, Draco. But First FOOOD. Let's go." We all laugh at Ron's love for food and go to the food court and have Burgers and fried chicken. His face was comedy gold.

"WAIIT. You're telling me they have fried chicken. FUCKING fried chicken. And none of you fucktards told me?!"

"Yeah. Well, it's never too late to taste it now pretty boy."

"Who?" Ron asks looking around. We all turn around to see a handsome boy who winked at Ron.

"Well looks like you're getting hit on by a muggle Ron" I whisper to him. He looks completely flushed and smiled at me.

"You heard that Harry people find me attractive. I'm pretty." He says with the brightest smile on his face.

"You are love. You are very pretty" I reply to Ron

"Well, this is lovely, but we must get going" Blaise replies coldly. I smirk at him and wiggle my eyebrows before looking at the random dude.

"That's fine if you wouldn't mind giving me your number, pretty boy?" I laugh so hard at Blaise's cold expression as Ron gives the guy his Instagram. I make eye contact with the others and point towards Blaise with my eyes. Once the guy leaves, we all finish our food and go to the first cloth shop we see. "Alright bitches let's have some fun." I yell and we start enjoying the day.

*A few hours later*

We all went back to the Leaky Cauldron and went straight to Gringotts to take a few tests and see what we should do.

I let Riddle do this part as he has power.

*Mattheo Riddle P.O.V.*

I walk up to a teller and bow my head at him and state our names and our purpose here today. The others following my lead. The goblin looks at us in shock before bowing back and leading us to a room in the very back.

We all kneel before the Goblin king and pay our respects before he allows us to sit and talk.

"I'm going to be honest, sir. All of us are from the future with valuable information and we are willing to take an inheritance test if necessary." After that everything went smoothly, and we all did the tests. The results were not smoothly though.

*Harry Potter P.O.V.*

I look at my inheritance test results in fucking shock.

Fake Birth Certificate

Name: Harry Potter

Father: James Potter

Mother: Lilly Potter

Godfather: Sirius Black

Godmother: None

Siblings: None

Inheritance: Human

Mate: None

Guardian: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Petunia Dursley

Core: Light

Abilities:

Parsel tongue: Blocked (99%)

Parsel Magic: Blocked (99%)

Wandless Magic: Blocked (99%)

Wordless Magic: Blocked (99%)

Trust Compulsion: A.P.W.B.D, Ginny Weasley,

Love Potion: Ginny Weasley

Hate Potion: Tom Marvolo Riddle, Severus Snape, Slytherin, Dark side

Real Birth Certificate

Name: Hadrian Arcturus Potter-Black

Father: James Charlus Potter-Black, Regulus Arcturus Potter-Black (Blood adoption)

Mother: Lilly Potter-Black (Née Evans)

Godfather: Sirius Black-Lupin, Remus Black-Lupin, Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, Frank Longbottom

Godmother: Narcissa Black, Alice Longbottom (Née Fortescue), Minevra McGonagall

Siblings: Draconis Lucius Malfoy (Godbrother), Neville Longbottom (Godbrother)

Inheritance: None

Mate: 3people identity unknown.

Guardian: A.P.W.B.D (Illegal), Petunia Dursley (Muggle), Sirius Black-Lupin (Azkaban), Alice Longbottom (Illegally placed in coma),

Core: Grey (Binded 99%)

Abilities:

Parsel tongue: Blocked (99%)

Parsel Magic: Blocked (99%)

Wandless Magic: Blocked (99%)

Wordless Magic: Blocked (99%)

Death magic: Blocked (99%)

Trust Compulsion: A.P.W.B.D, Ginny Weasley,

Love Potion: Ginny Weasley

Hate Potion: Tom Marvolo Riddle, Severus Snape, Slytherin, Dark side

All blocks placed by A.P.W.B.D.

What the actual Fuck? I'm Pissed so bloody fucking pissed.

"Beautiful absolutely FUCKING beautiful. I have a fucking father that I never knew about. Albus, you fucking piece of fucktarded bitch I'm going to fucking torture you to death" I seethe

"Could you please get rid of all our blocks and spells and compulsions and can we get a heritage test for Harry and Hermione please." Mattheo asks. The goblin nods his head and hands out a parchment to me and Mione' to look at.

Heritage Test

Name: Hadrian Arcturus Potter-Black

Heir: Black, Lupin, Snape, McGonagall,

Lord: Potter, Gryffindor (Father), Slytherin (Conquest), Peverell (Conquest), Gaunt (Conquest), Le-fay (Mother)

*All Lord ships and Heir ships may be claimed upon the age of 11*

The rest of the test was about how much money each vault had. I'm rich. Damn bitches. We all went and got cleansed painfully.

Once everyone got cleansed, we thanked the goblins and left. Well folks. This is great.

"Right Let's have some ice cream before we leave?" We all nod at Lorenzo's suggestion and walk to the ice cream parlor and sit down after we order.

"Alr. Let me make an account." I said as I busy myself with Instagram and make an account.

-July 31st, 1991-

17:30 pm

"Well. We part way's here piece out bitches. Let's meet up again sometime."

"No~~ Haribo don't leave me."

"Yeah. Blaise come collect your man" I reply and can see Ron flush completely red. We all part ways and leave to go home.

-July 31st, 1991-

18:00 pm

"I'm Home~~" I yell as I walk in through the front door and drop my stuff inside my cupboard and get changed to a pair of pajamas and go to the kitchen.

"Wassup." I say as I see Dudley in the kitchen with Vernon.

"Welcome Harry. Would you like dinner?"

"No Aunt Petunia. I already ate. Do you need any help?"

"No. I'm fine Vernon helped." I nod get myself a juice from the fridge and sit down next to Dudley and across from Vernon.

"I see you are back from your trip Uncle Vernon. How did it go?"

"Quite fine actually I got a few more steps before I seal this deal but enough about work. Happy birthday. I left your gift in your room along with some other presents that seemed to have come through the mail btw. I do hope you enjoy it. How's your day been? I heard you went with your friends to buy your school supplies. Did you have enough money?"

"Yes. Yes. I had enough money sir. No need to worry. Got to buy some clothes quite fun." Our conversation went on about random things and just soft chatter. After dinner we all went our separate ways to bed, and I sat in my cupboard. I had enchanted this place with magic to look like a normal room with everything I could need. I found Uncle Vernon's present to be a smart watch that seemed to be magical with a questioning look I open the note that came with it.

'Harry,

This was your father, James Potter's watch for when he turned of age. While I know you are technically 21 mentally, I thought it would be wise to give you this. James gave this to me before they went into hiding and told me to give it to you if something had happened to him. I hope you liked it.'

I'll be honest I may have cried a little bit.

I went to look through the other presents I got. One by one. Pansy, and Hermione got me K-pop merches and light sticks? Mattheo got me a bunch of tickets? WAIT two FUCKING seconds. K-pop tickets? THERES A FUCKING concert. FUCK. yEAH. Ron and Blaise bought me a few albums I was missing. Draco got me a clearly obviously handmade yet very sparkly and elegant looking green apple necklace with the words 'your favorite ferret' engraved on the inside. Quite cute if you ask me. Lorenzo made me a pair of handmade earrings that resembled two little green snakes crawling on my ear. Matched my eyes apparently. And Thedore made me a black ring with silver linings that came together to form the words Mischief Managed over the silvery white Stag, Wolf, Dog, and Rat. My eyes watered at everyone's gift for me and took out my phone.

*Text*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Pieces of shits the lot of you. Also I know you are dating other people Mattheo but I CAN FUCKING KISS YOU RN <3 @The0;3 @Fucking_hottest_Riddle @Why_am_I_Fucking_here @Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life @Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google @Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple @Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss @Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- Hmm? Wha? Rude bitch. He's mine

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Your man got me concert tickets. <3

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- He has a point. @Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm

(Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Don't kiss him. Kiss me.) *Message unsent.*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- @Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple You say something?

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Nah just spelling mistake. Congratss~~

The_Red_Head- Happy birthday, Harry.

Death;)- ^^

Life:)- ^^

_Fate_- ^^

_Destiny_- ^^

Time- ^^

Day- ^^

Night- ^^

Prongsie;)- ^^

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Thanks but woww. The effort.

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Happy birthday, Potter <3

Italian_Fucking_Mob_boss- HBD Harry.

Lives_off_Cafeine_and_Sar-fucking-casm- ^^

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google-^^

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- Happy Birthday, Haribo.

Fucking_hottest_Riddle- Hbd mate.

Why_am_I_Fucking_here- Happy Birthday, Love

The0;3- Hbd dArLiNg~

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- Thank you. Loved the gifts.<33

*Off Text*

I smile softly as I look at all my gifts. I have friends and a family that cares about me. Fuck you Dumble-Fucking-got-to-many-names-whore you won't take them away from me. Not this time. I hug my necklace close to me and smile softly as I think of Draco, Lorenzo and Theo.

Chapter Text

*Harry Potter POV*

-September 1^st, 1991-

5:00 am

I open my eyes and fall into my usual routine of working out. Vernon and I finish getting ready and freshening up by 7am before we have a quick breakfast and depart for the train station.

“Alright. I will be leaving do not miss me too much~”

“Bold of you to assume you'll be missed Harry” Aunt Petunia replies sarcastically.

“Aunntiee. Why are you being so meaan?~” I pout. While Uncle Vernon is busy trying to cover his laugh with a cough.

I wave and bid my goodbyes before silently apparating to the Leaky Cauldron and using the floo to get to the station as I technically should not be able to apparate to the station. Fuck legal laws. I’m rich andd the Boy-Who-Lived. I should be able to do whatever I want. I stumble out of the floo and fall clumsily into the station and curse every single eternal god out there then realise that maybe they might hear me and apologise. I lift up my weightless trunk and head into one of the carriages on the very far back.

*Text*

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing has sent a picture

The_One_Who_Causes_Every_Fucking_Thing- I'll be waiting for you lot here.

*Off Text*

I close my phone and look up at Hedwig's empty cage before turning to Asmodeus with a thoughtful look.

~No, Dipshit, I will not bite Albus~

~Aww Snakey you wound me old pal.~

~I may or may not be able to spook him out though~

~Ehehehehe I see I have rubbed off on you Snakey~

I lift my head up as I feel the door compartment slide open and in walked Theo, Lorenzo, Blaise, and Pansy. I wave with exaggerated enthusiasm as Theo slides into the seat next to me and Lorenzo sits on my other side. Blaise and Pansy sit across from us as Snakey pops out.

“Holy Fuck knuckles is that a snake?”

“Fuck knuckles? Really Blaise?” Lorenzo asks with a smirk and amusement glancing in his eyes.

“Shut up. I had to cover it up around my mother.”

“Its fine Blaise we get it your gay.” I respond with a sly smile as I wiggle my eyebrows and pretend to be Ron.

“Pff. Look the Italian Mob Boss is blushing...”

“Damn Pansy be careful. I don’t want to have to bury my friend in case you know he pulls one like his mother.” I say as I realise everyone freezes before all bursting into laughter including Blaise.

“OH. DAMN. Go Harry.” Lorenzo wheezes.

“Smooth, Darling. Real smooth.” Theo chuckles lightly.

“Alright that was nice not gonna lie. Even if it was my mother.”

“What was nice? Who’s banging Blaise's mother?” A soft voice asks from the doorway.

“Everyone Run. A bush has come alive its going to attack us. Take cover.” I mimic a panicked voice before bursting into laughter with a teasing tone.

“God damn you Harrison James Son-of-A-Bitch Potter.”

 “Nevermind folks false alarm. Its just Hermione with my favourite Shin Ramyun.” I said enthusiastically only to get an eyeroll in return.

“What’s this about you having other Shin Ramyun’s? Aren’t I the only one?” A very small and cute Ron walks in.

“Ronnikins I missed you soo much my Shin Ramyun.” I said as I started to fake cry dramatically.

“My Haribo. I missed you too.” Ron replies as we both pull each other into a dramatic hug and pretend to cry.

“My two best friends for the 7 years of my life people.”

“My poor innocent angel. I’m so sorry for your sanity, Love.”

“Finally, someone who understands I can kiss you for that comment Riddle.”

“OI” Me and Shin Ramyun both shout.

“Can I ask since when the fuck did this ‘Shin Ramyun’ thing happen. Did you two see each other in secret and have some inner jokes or smth?” Draco asks clearly jealous but as my typical usual oblivious self his jealousy flies right over my head.

“Oh no.I was eating Ramyun a few days after we all met up at Diagon and thought the red package reminded me of the Weasley's with their red hair. So, I did the reasonable thing and texted Ron privately and told him about calling him Shin Ramyun from now on and that we can surprise you all when we meet on the train.” I explained casually not paying attention to the relived looks that Theo, Lorenzo, and Draco all wore.

We all head inside the compartment and I smile as I sit in-between Lorenzo’s legs as Theo sits to my left and Draco sits to my right. I lean on Lorenzo as the others were discussing some topic.

“The sorting. What do we do? Do we just go to our original houses or have everyone in one house?” Asks Blaise.

“I think we should let things flow as it is. Like let the hat decide and we just roll with it. Regardless we all can still contact each other. This way even if by some miracle we end up all in the same house we can just shrug our shoulders and say we where destined to be like this.”

“That seems so wise yet so relaxed. I like this option. I agree with Hermione.” Says Theo as he nods his head.

“Agreed.” Was heard around the compartment coming from everyone else. ‘I guess we'll just let fate decide whether she wants to continue fucking with us or not.’ I thought with a shrug before snuggling into Lorenzo and falling asleep.

“Wake up Harry we are almost here.” I heard as I was gently tapped awake by Theo who was already in his robes. I mumble some curse words at him before getting up and stretching my sore muscles. I look around at everyone already dressed in their robes and look at myself before cursing.

“Merlin’s saggy left ba- oh my god. Ew no why do wizards have such cursed curse words?! Now my brain is fucking filled with that image.” I moan as I bury my face in my hands only to immediately open my eyes as I do not want to see such horrifying images. I do not notice the bawling laughter that is filled in the room due to my comment.

“Oh no forigve us your highness.”

“We have sinned and do not deserve to be forgiven. Have mercy.”

To everyone’s surprise it was Shin Ramyun and Bush that was on their knees and begging to be ‘forgiven’

“As I was saying... what was I going to say again.... oh right. Why did none of you bother to change my clothes for me don’t we have spells for that shit?” I ask with a raised eyebrow as I changed my clothes with a spell before fake pouting as I sit back down on Lorenzo’s lap. I lasted two seconds before the three of us bursted into bubbling laughter.

“I swear that was funny before and still is funny now.” Shin Ramyun says as both Bush and I agree with him.

Soon it was time to get off as we all separated into three groups. Ferret, Broken lungs, sunshine, and I in one group Italian mob boss, sarcastic woman, and Shin Ramyun in another group and Riddle Spawn and Bush in another group. We headed to the boats and sat on the last three boats. As we ride past the bridge everyone turns to look at the castle in all her glory. Damn I’m home.

“Guys. Anyone up for a swim?” I ask as I look everyone in the eyes and after receiving 8 positive glances I jump into the lake. I don’t hear anything other than muffled shouts and screams before 8 more splashed and everyone else has joined me. Lorenzo takes out his wand and spells everyone to sprout gills and we just swim in the black lake occasionally tickling the giant squid and showering him with attention. Soon mermaids join us and we talk with them and make new friends before goofing off in the lake.

Eventually we swim back to the shore where we all dispel Lorenzo’s spell and swim up to the shore where a panicking Hagrid and a bunch of other first years are waiting.

As we all just shrug the worried look of Hagrid off and head inside the castle only to be met with Mcgonagall and her stern gaze at our wet appearances. All of us just casually shrug and tune her out as we wait for our cue to head into the great hall. After an eternity of waiting, we all line up and head into the Great Hall receiving multiple stares for our wet clothes. We all just roll with it as none of us look at Dumb-Ass-A-Bitch-Door. But just in case we all have really weird and crazy mind places as we all had studied subtle Occlumency to prevent our knowledge of the future to be leaked. Now as for the next part of our Plan gain Sevvy darlings trust.

Chapter Text

*Harry Potter POV*

As we move towards the front we see the hat sitting on a stool with McGonagall standing next to it. We all patiently waited for the Hat to finish his song while we notice everyone around us was panicking. Eventually when the Hat finished his song the all 9 of us clapped really loudly and whistled praises at the Hat who bowed very dramatically at us before going still again. We all got ready to be called as we waited with bated breath for Sunshine’s turn.

“Berkshire Lorenzo.”

Right on cue Sunshine walks up with a confident stride as he is still soaking wet before vigorously shaking himself as a joke to get us all wet. Ferret and I both coo at him very loudly.

“Hmm? Ooh this one is funny and quite adorable. Better be HUFFLEPUFF.”

Before anyone can react the rest of us 8 people clap extremely loudly and whistle as we all act like proud parents. Sunshine just shrugs gets off and blows a kiss at us before walking to the side and waiting for the next person to be sorted.

We wait patiently as the next person to be called happens to be…

“Granger Hermione.”

She walks up to the stool only for me to ruin it.

“Look it’s a moving bush everyone.” I shout fascinated as all of us try not to laugh with the Bush herself jokingly glaring at me.

Regardless she went up to the stool and had a talk for a few minutes before the Hat sighed.

“This one’s too feisty. Someone come get their Bush.” The hat mumbles and all 9 of us burst out into really hysterical laughter as I laugh so hard, I had to physically hold onto the nearest person who happened to be Ferret. We both fell to the floor still laughing as we dragged Shin Ramyun with us. After a good few minutes we all got up and calmed down before listening to the Hat.

“Fine. You win. Better be RAVENCLAW.”

Once again, all 8 of us cheer extremely loudly as I smile before shouting.

“That’s our mud-blood.” To which Bush just laughs, nods her head and curtsies as it was not actually a degrading term. However, as all other not knowledge mud-bloods and blood-traitors look at me with shock and glare all the well knowledge pure-bloods, half-bloods, and mud-bloods look at me with well-hidden amusement and respect. I don’t pay them much attention as I start laughing along with the others. Bush just laughs and moves to the side to stand next to Sunshine.

We all wait for McGonagall to come out of her shocked state before she calls more students and the next student, she called was…

“Malfoy Draco.”

Ferret stalks up to the stool and sits down before talking with the Hat.

“Ohohohoho. This one’s very Brave cunning yes but… Better be GRYFFINDOR.”

Everyone freezes until all 9 of us burst out laughing and Ferret’s face flushes slightly despite his laughter.

“Oh my mama.”

“Holy shit he just.”

“His Father will definitely be hearing about this.” We all said at the same time and laughed harder. After a long 20 minutes we all calmed down enough to stay still as Ferret just shrugged and stood next to Sunshine and Bush

A few more names where mentioned before…

“Nott Theodore.”

Broken Lungs walks up with a cup of coffee disguised as water and slurps loudly on his straw before sitting down on the stool and wearing the Hat.

“Hmm? This one’s weird. Very much potential. Better be RAVENCLAW.”

We all applaud and nod in approval as we all clap loudly. But I grab his cup and sip loudly on his straw before shooinghim away and gathering multiple stares.

We all just wait for the next person which happens to be…

“Parkinson Pansy”

She walks up and just shrugs before poking the hat and asking if it hurt. We all just face palm as I go up and physically pull her away and onto the stool before giving her a good whack on the head and a lollipop. I walk back down and wait for her to be sorted.

“Hmm. Gryffin- no wait. Slytherin? Emm. This ones not that obvious. SlYtHeRiN I guess.”

At this point poor hat is tired of this shit. But we all laugh and clap as the Sarcastic One gets off and yells.

“Take that Ferret you fu- furry Lion.”

We all laugh as she gets a gentle whack from Shin Ramyun for cussing. As that dies down we wait for the next person, who happens to be...

“Potter Harry”

I look around to look for him when all 8 of them stare at me.

“What?”

“Harribo are you insane?”

“He’s finally lost it hasn’t he?” I look at them confused not understanding when Shin Ramyun and the Italian Mob Boss both whack me in the head.

“Your Harry Potter you idiot.”

“Oh shit. Your right sorry my bad. Wait I’m Hadrian not Harry. Please make this change as soon as possible Miss. McGonagall.” I said as I walked up to the stool with whispers as I just turn around dramatically and shout.

“Can you all please inform me if you find this Harry Potter fellow, I would love to meet the man I’m filling in for.” I shouted as I smile and look around before shrugging and sitting on the stool.

“Ah, Mr. Potter-Black. Another Time-Traveller ey? Honestly I’m not surprised with all the shit I’ve seen through Miss. Grangers head.” I hear a smooth voice talk in my head.

“Hahahahaha. Very funny hat. Say hat do you have a name? I feel bad calling you hat every single time.”

“No. I do not.”

“Well lets call you Bob.”

“Hm. Why not? But what house do you want? Slytherin suits you best.”

“But I don’t wanna be in Slytherin, Bob.”

“Too bad.” I pout as he starts talking to the Hall.

“This ones to childish.” *Dramatic theatrical gasp as I clutch my heart and the Bush subtly plays dramatic betrayal music. ‘How could you Bob?’ and ‘After years of friendship and trust?’ could be heard around the hall as I drop to the floor and start acting out a dramatic scene as the others all tsk and shake their head at bob in disapproval. *

“But better be SLYHTERIN.” Drop dead silence. It’s only broken by the Weasley twins dramatic shouts of ‘We didn’t get Potter.’

“Yes. HAH Fucking suck it Mione’ you owe me ten galleons.”

“God damn you Harrison James Potter. You cost me 10 galleons to Ronald.”

“Can we pay attention to The-Boy-Who-Lived being evil for a sec please.” Some random ass students says.

“Oh shit sorry my bad. I got sorted into the house of snakes by a fucking 5 billlion year old crusty ass Hat and suddenly I’m a FUCKING evil 11 year-old sorcerer.” I reply with very thick sarcasm.

“You heard Bob-the-hat he’s a snake he’s evil folks.”

“Your right Draco we must stay away from him. He’s evil after all.” Shin Ramyun says really dramatically as Sarcastic Women hides Bush behind her back mumbling something about me going to hurt mud-bloods.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’m a evils sorcerer that’s fucking 11.” I mumbled as I went towards the others only for them to dramatically move Bush away, which I laughed at and played along by pretending to curse her.

The next person to be called was…

“Riddle Mattheo”

Dead silence but just as he walks up to the stool I sneak a peek at Bastard-Who-Doesn’t-Know-How-To-Stay-Out-Of-Others-Business and realise that he is furious.

“HMM. Ooh. This one’s how did that child put it again? Aha, evil. This one’s evil to. Better be SLYTHERIN.”

“YAYY. I have an evil mastermind friend.” I shout happily as I grabbed Riddle Spawn’s hand and dragged him with me as we both started pretending to plot some evil plan not letting his hand go. Unbeknownst to me was Riddle Spawn smirking at Ferret, Sunshine, and Broken Lungs as he pointed at our interlocked hands.

Eventually the next person was called…

“Weasley Ronald”

Just as Shin Ramyun walks up to the sorting hat, I hear Ferret with his snarky comments.

“Red hair and a hand-me down robe? You must be a Weasley.” Two voices say at the same time in sync. We all turn to see Shin Ramyun and Ferret looking at each other. We all hold our snickers in.

“We get it Mal- I mean Ferret. You like me. You can just be honest you know.” Shin Ramyun says with a small smirk.

*Dramatic gasp from Ferret.*

“Riddle. I thought you and I where friends? How could you tell Weasley my deepest secret.”

Everyone gasps as Shin Ramyun just softly chuckles and sits down on the stool. After a few minutes of arguing.

“This one’s quite stubborn and very reckless. Better be GRYFFINDOR.”

“OMG. He’s in the same house as me. Riddle hold me I’m going to pass out.”

“Calm down Ferret you wont die.” I tease as Shin Ramyun walks towards us and gently holds Ferret from passing out.

“That’s making it worse Shin Ramyun.”

“I know Haribo.”

I just shrug and turn my head back to the sorting and surely the next and last person to be called is…

“Zabini Blaise”

We all applaud as he pretends to look around only to realise, he’s the only one left and just shrugs before bowing and heads up to the stool.

“Hmm this one’s weird a little too cold ooh if you ever start a cult please invite me.”

That was enough to set all 9 of us into fits of laughter for the next 30 mins. After some long time we all controlled our selves and waited for his announcement.

“Better be HUFFLEPUFF”

Silence. Absolute dead silence.

“So the son of Mrs. I’ll-kill-all-my-husbands-for-their-assets-and-then-get-off-scorch-free-because-I’m-too-cute-and-innocent is a FUCKING Hufflepuff? I guess you took keep it in the family a little too seriously no?” I respond.

Pansy is the first that cracks and within seconds of my comment all of us are howling with laughter as none of us can stand straight and are either holding onto something or just plain on the floor. Eventually Minnie spells us all back to normal and Italian Mob Boss comes to stand next to all of us.

“Well?” I ask as everyone was staring at us.

“To each their own?”

“Wtf is this some weird ass dating show or smth, Granger?”

“So… I guess everyone to their houses?” Sunshine boy suggests

“Well, I’m going to have lots of fun with my new evil friends so bye~~” I said dragging Riddle Spawn and Sarcastic Women with me to the table of snakes. I don’t recognize the stares from the others as I sit down in between the two.

“Well. I guess me and Ferret are going to plan how to stop the evil duo.” Shin Ramyun says as he and Ferret head towards the house of Lion.

“Well? Shall we? O’ fair lady o’ mine?” Broken Lungs asks Bush as he holds out his hand which she takes and they walk to their own table.

“Well? Lorenzo?”

“Right behind you mafia boss.”

As the last of us sit down Dumb-Ass-A-Mother-Fucking-Door stands up to give his speech which we all tune out.

“TREACLE TART.” I hiss happily as Riddle Spawn just pushes a plate of Treacle tarts in front of me. I look at him with heart eyes as I just take the plate and sit quietly and eat.

“What is Potter doing here in our house?”

“Potter? Who? Are you talking bout Harry Potter? Where is he?” I said looking around frantically as Sarcastic Woman just laughs at my antics while Riddle Spawn just flips the dumb Slytherin off. The dinner ends with all of us heading to our respective dorms. As I follow the other two to the Dungeons.

“Damn its chilly in here. How do you guys survive this cold?”

“What’s wrong? Itty bitty Potter can’t handle the cold?” I just pout as I feel Sarcastic Woman’s arm around my shoulder and I just lean into her. I look up to see Riddle Spawn with bleeding knuckles. Cocking… ew damn I have a dirty mind. Tilting my head to the side I ask him with my eyes.

“Oh? I don’t know guess its to dry here.” The three of us all proceed to head inside the common room ignoring the bleeding guy with a broken jaw that had insulted me.

“Damn. This looks dead ass really regal.” I whistle as suddenly there is a cough to reveal SEVVY<3.

“Welcome to house Slytherin. The Noble house of Salazar Slytherin. You will face discrimination outside these walls hence why all problems are solved within these walls. Do NOT get caught if you do have an alibi at all times. Stick together and if you have problems pray to the heavens above. Do NOT at any given time come find me as I have to much shit going on to deal with your relationship problems. That is all. Snape out.”

WTF. What in the actual FUCK is this? Since when the fuck did this dungeon bat have humor?? And why the fuck is he looking directly at me? Oh shit. Why did he call me? What tf is going on?? I nod regardless and head towards his office. But take out my phone and text the others.

*Text*

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Y’all. Does anyone wanna explain why Snape is suddenly spitting bars, has a humour and asked me to his office?? @Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- Yeah about that. I MAY OR MAY NOT have told him about his blocks and about coming back because Death agreed and it would be smart to have an adult to help us in case Remus and Sirius can’t with their status as werewolf and criminal.

Chicken_Nuggets_Are_Life- You mean he’s a Swearwolf?

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- Haha Ron. How much does he know? And somebody add him to the group chat.

Fucking_Obsessed_with_green_apple- @Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google Basically everything from Harry’s perspective of the 7 years and the inheritance test. I’ll add him just a sec.

Fucking_Obsessed _with_green_apple Has added S.S to the group chat

S.S has changed their username to Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair

The_Red_Head- Sevyy. Hi~~

Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- Wtf? Lily? Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- @Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair How tf are you texting while walking I don’t even see your phone?

Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- The beauty of having Siri.

Prongsie;)- Oi. Hello Snape. I apologize for being an absolute git. I know you would prefer an in person apology but I’m kinda dead so… :’)

Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- Ok what the fuck. James Potter is apologizing?? This is some comedy Wattpad shit.

Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- But your forgiven @Prongsie;)

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Wow. You really see some weird shit the longer your alive huh?

Real_Life_Mother_Fucking_Google- @The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing you’re*

The_one_who_causes_every_fucking_thing- Big deal you little shit

Lowkey_Batman_With_Greasy_Hair- Wtf did I get myself into?

Prongsie;)- Hell.

*Off text*

 “This way Mr. Potter” I only nod my head as I head into Dungeon Bat’s lair and stand awkwardly.

“So. Have a seat.”

“What’s the occasion, sir?”

“Well I just wanted to know the details of your 7 years here and will be taking you to the headmaster as he has asked for you.”

“GOD DAMN IT. That slimy can’t-keep-his-old-nose-and-hands-to-himself Dumblebitch.”

“Well that’s definitely Regulus”

“You knew Regulus??”

“Of course, we were close friends.”

“Could you… tell me about my parents some time? Anything really. I don’t know anything about them despite living and study here for so long”

“Anytime Mr. Potter”

“Hadrian. Please call me Hadrian in private Professor Snape. Thank you sir and before we leave” I handed him a small package with all the memories I have of my years at hogwarts.

Snape just nods and looks at me for a second before simply saying ‘Severus’ and walks towards the fireplace as I follow after him with a wide smile.

“*Cough* Mother-of-all-things-holy. Damn *Cough* this dust is ever- *Cough* everywhere.” I curse as I head into Dumbles office.

“Ah. Harry, my boy. How are you?”

“Who-in-the-name-of-namjesus are you? Do you know Harry? Is he your boy? When did that happen? Could you introduce us please?”

“Namjesus? Do I wanna know?”

“No you don’t professor McGonagall. You don’t want to know. So what am I here for. As you know I’m very busy looking for this Harry Potter you wizarding folk speak so highly of.”

“Emm. Harry my boy we wish you could have a resorting as we suspect the hat has made a wrong choice.”

This motherfucker. I’ll skin him alive. He…HowFUCKING dare he. Only cuz I’m in Slytherin and quite evil. I still pretend to smile.

“I still don’t get why I’m here and not Harry. I’m Hadrian. I know its similar but you can’t just take another student in the place of one”

“Harry. You are Harry mybo-”

“I’m not Harry. I’m Hadrian.”

“Alright. Hadrian. We will need you to be re-sorted as I’m sure you’d like to honor your parents and family by being in Gryffindor.”

“Will my family hate me if I’m in Gryffindor? Where they all in Gryffindor?”

“Of course my b- Hadrian. Of course. After all Slytherin is evil.”

THIS MOTHER FUCKING-

“Albus!!”

“Yes, Minerva?”
“I know James wasn’t the best of people but really?”

“Ahh but Minerva you forget that James himself said that he would disown any kid of his that’s not a Lion like himself. And I’m sure Lily will agree.”

“Oh.” I said pouting as I was filled with rage but then calmed down when I realised I can mess with him. 

“So my Bo- Hadrian. What will your choice be?”

“Well if my parents will disown me over my house…” I can see the smirk and glee radiating from Dumbass

“…They can FUCKING suck it. Because I don’t give a flying Duck’s arse about what people who are literally dead would or wouldn’t do.” I said as I just simply cross my hands across my chest. I can distantly hear a few chuckles before a subtle ‘well done’ is said to me by the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black. THE Black everyone looks up to after Arcturus Black.

“Well regardless this is a decision made by the school so if you will just comply Mr. Potter.”

“It’s Potter-Black Sir. So, I can’t be evil now can I? But I really wanted to be an evil mastermind like in those movies.” I pout as I just hang my head really sad. I don’t notice Sevvy’s eyes flashing in a protective mode and can only squeak as I feel his strong hands wrap around me and pull me into his embrace.

“Hey its alright little one. I’ve got you. No need to be sad.”

“Huh?” I say looking up at Sevvy.

“You can still be an evil mastermind even if you get into a different house. All houses have their good traits.”

“*Sniff* Really? I can be *Sniff* be an evil mastermind? Can I be special? Even *Sniff* *Sniff* Even if I’m not a snake?” I sniffled as I look at Sevvy with hopeful eyes.

“Of course. Shh. It’s ok you can be an evil mastermind. Shh. It’s fine now.” Sevvy says as he wipes my tears away and gently reassures me. I sniffle as I just stay in Sevvy’s lap and for the first time in my life I finally feel safe and secure. I finally feel like I can act however I want without giving any fucks.

“Bleh bleh bleh. Go change houses they say. Fine.” I said sitting down and wearing the hat with a pout and attitude as I was acting like Dracula from the show.

“Bleh bleh bleh?” Says a confused McGonagall only to cause Sevvy to groan.

“Bleh bleh bleh? I do not go bleh bleh bleh.” I said with an accent as I pretend to use my robe as Dracula’s cape.

“AYO. Wassup Bob the Hat.”

“Hello. I see you have come to visit me again Mr. Potter-Black. Ooh a re-sort? Well I know my choice but I want to take my time to talk to you so you can help me with my song for next year.”

“OOOOH. Lemme help. HMM. I think something to do with Dumbles having no sanity and too colorful robes, Minnie slaying like usual, Sevvy being a depressed wannabe-Batman, Sprout being sprout. And how amazing I am.”

“Ohohoho. I’ve gotten some ideas to think. Come join me in the middle of the year for my song so we can do some editing.”

“Of course bob.”

“ALRIGHT. BETTER BE Slytherin.”

“YAAAY I’m still an evil mastermind. Suck on THAT mother, father and Dad. NYAHAHAHAHAHhahahaHAHAHA.” I cough twice as I notice everyone staring at me including the portraits.

“Sorry had to do my evil laugh.”

“Well. As you have seen Albus I will be taking Mr. Potter-Black back to Slytherin.”

“BYEE~~” I said cheerfully as I secretly hand Minnie a pack of premium cat treats while being dragged back to the dungeons by Sevvy.

We walk to the dungeons and I bid Sevvy a farewell before entering the common room dorm only to be greeted by the others, who where on the couch. I just went to sit on the couch as I just sprawled onto the couch and laid my head on Riddle Spawn’s lap as I just mumbled about dumb-as-a-bitch-who- cannot-mind-his-damn-business. And apparently Riddle agrees with me because he was humming and agreeing with me as he brushed his hands through my hair calming me down from a possible panic attack.

“Your phone is ringing.” I said pointing at his ringing phone. He just shrugs and hangs up on his father. While I look at him with a questioning glance.

“Your more important right now.”

“Oh dear mother of magic. Damn.” I said flushing and burying my red face in my hands. None of us notice Pansy taking multiple videos and photos and sending it to the group chat.

“Pff. Hades you blush way too easily. It’s almost impossible to stop myself from teasing you. But that aside you good?” I look up and see him looking down at me like in those romance books. FUCK. Why does he low-key look so hot?

“Tell me bout it. I’m so tired of Dumbles he just tried to take me away and subtly hinted that my family was all in Gryffindor and would all be disappointed if I didn’t switch.” I said as I felt like wanting to cry so I just lay down on the couch and placed my head on his lap and just sighed as Pansy placed a disillusionment charm around us and gave a subtle nod of the head. I just pouted and snuggled into Riddle Spawn’s lap as I was pouting and could feel his hands through my hair lulling me to sleep.

I groan as I hear muffled voices and shouts in my sleepy state.

“You fuckass. You are *Blurred Conversation* absolutely *Blurred Conversation* ridiculous *Blurred Conversation*.”

“Hm? Why swearing? Wha’ ime?” I mumbled half heartedly while trying not to fall asleep again after waking up sometime later.

“Bird nest you good?”

“Bird nest? Whatever you say. Anyway, Haribo means ‘why is there swearing?’ and ‘what time is it?’”

“Thanks Bird nest translator.”

“Mhm? Who pissed in your cereal Bush. And Why pray tell is Theodore calling Mattheo a Fuckass?”

“Wha? How much did you hear of that, Potter?”

“Hm? Not much just that Theo is saying ‘You are absolutely ridiculous.’ What happened? Don’t fight. Please?”

“No one is Fighting, Potter. You missed out on half the conversation you know.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever ferret. Hold up… Why in Merlin’s saggy left ballsack is everyone in the Slytherin dorm?” I ask instantly sitting upright and covering my torso as I was not wearing any shirt.

“We are in the ROR you, dumbass.”

“OI. I’m just slow not dumb you sarcastic WoMaN.” I said throwing up the middle finger at her as I uncovered my torso as everyone’s seen me naked before.

“So? What’s the plan?” Sunshine asks

“Well, the plan is to get the stone for the ritual and than we can get Reggie back.”

“WOW. I’m surprised your actually planning to be serious Haribo.”

“Sirius? Oh SHIT. I KNEW I FORGOT SMTH.”

“That’s the boy we know.”

“Lmao Ferret that sounds really sus.”

“Is anyone of us not sus or mentally-not-available at this point, Chicken?”

“CHICKEN? FIRST Haribo with SHIN RAMYUN and now you with Chicken? Really BUSH What’s next grilled steak?”

“OOH? I’m going to call you that.”

“SHUT TF UP YOU ITALIAN MAFIA BOSS.”

“OK. Everybody lets all go for our run take a shower and head to breakfast.”