Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ritsu couldn't sleep.

Yes, Ritsu.

Ritsu, who usually, could fall asleep instantly, no matter when or where he was. Ritsu who could sleep throughout most if not all day, unless he had Knight's practice or other important stuff he couldn't miss.

And yet, now he was laying in his bed not bothering to get up for more than an hour now. At first he tried to fall asleep, but the longer he was laying down with his eyes closed, the worse he felt.

No matter what he did, he couldn't get rid of that sinking feeling in his stomach. More and more bad thoughts started to appear in his head, making him feel even worse.

And still, even that wasn't enough motivation for him to get up.

He let all those feelings consume him.

It was still morning and Ritsu had no reason to rush. No important meetings, no lives - at least not that he remembered. Ritsu had the day all to himself, which he usually liked, yet this time, he wished there was anything that would motivate him to get up and would keep his mind off things.

Reluctantly, he reached for his phone…for the 10th time since he woke up.

No new messages from Mao.

Of course, at this point he wasn't even surprised.

He was busy, either having practice with trickstar or doing student council work. He had no time to reply to Ritsu.

Even though he was online.

'That's fine.' Ritsu tried to think. 'Maybe he just let his phone on, or is doing something important again.'

More important than Ritsu.

That hurt, but it was okay. He understood. He really did.

Yet the feeling in his stomach only got worse.

It felt like they were drifting away. It felt like Mao was going to abandon him soon, forget about all the good memories they ever made together, and replace him with someone else. Maybe he already did.

With someone less annoying and needy, someone who was more fun and didn't need as much attention and reassurance as Ritsu did.

But that didn't feel right.

That wasn't fair.

Ritsu tightened his grip around his phone before chucking it on the other side of the bed.

Why was Mao like this? Why was he treating Ritsu like that?

Did he really not care at all about the time they spent together? Did it not matter to him at all?

Was Mao not feeling even the tiniest bit sad about them drifting away while what Ritsu felt could only be described as torture?

How was that okay?

It wasn't.

It wasn't fair.

How could Mao replace Ritsu so easily? How could he not feel guilty at all? Did he even know how much Ritsu suffered because of him?

Recently there have been more 'bad days' than 'good days' for Ritsu. It really felt like the end of his friendship with Mao. And the black haired boy hated it so much.

Because no matter how mad he could be at Mao at the moment, how much sometimes he wanted to let go of him, he still couldn't do it.

He needed Mao, he didn't know how to live without him.

He couldn't bear the thought that if Ritsu left, Mao would just find new friends, completely forgetting about him.

Someone would be Mao's no.1 and it wouldn't be Ritsu.

He didn't want that.

He hated thinking about that.

And yet he couldn't stop the thoughts, the second he thought he felt the tiniest bit better, they were coming back to stab his heart again and again.

Ritsu didn't know what he felt anymore.

He felt sick, he wanted to cry, he wanted to throw up. He wanted to sleep and never wake up, just to not feel that sinking feeling ever again. He was mad at Mao, he wanted to hate him - and he did in a way. But at the same time he loved him, he loved him so much, he wanted Mao's attention, he wanted to be Mao's special person. He wanted to be important to Mao, he was so terrified of being replaced and losing him. He needed Mao more than anything, he needed him because he loved him so much, but hated at the same time.

And yet again Ritsu knew it wasn't Mao's fault.

Sure, sometimes he felt that Mao should try harder to make some time for Ritsu. He felt the need to have Mao appreciate him more.

But Mao wasn't a bad person.

Far from it actually.

Mao had the patience of an angel, he was always giving his all, working extremely hard and yet he always tried to find time for others to help them as well. He was the kindest person Ritsu had ever met.

Ritsu knew that, he knew it all.

And yet right now he was so angry, he couldn't help but paint Mao in the worst way possible, despite knowing he was going to regret that later.

Because again Mao wasn't at fault.

It was Ritsu.

It was Ritsu's twisted brain that was making him feel like the world was ending whenever something was slightly off about Mao.

It was Ritsu and only Ritsu.

And he couldn't do anything.

He knew he couldn't snap out of it, he knew he wasn't going to heal anytime soon.

He knew he needed reassurance, he knew he needed to be honest with Mao.

But he couldn't, because what if Mao would hate him? What if Mao would be weirded out? What if Mao wouldn't care at all?

What if Mao's reassurance would be nothing but empty promises and lies?

Ritsu wouldn't be able to handle it.

That would break him completely, shatter his heart into thousands of tiny pieces.

That would hurt way too much.

So for now he was stuck. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say. Everything felt too scary and too risky, it felt like there was no escape.

And so he didn't do anything.

He stayed in bed letting all the feelings hit him at once, he let himself be suffocated.

He didn't even realize when tears started streaming down his cheeks while he let out a choked up sob.

It hurt. It hurt so much. Ritsu wanted the pain to stop.

But of course it didn't.

Ritsu sobbed until his body was too exhausted to keep going anymore.

His eyes ended up puffy from all the crying, his cheeks wet and flushed red, his breathing extremely shaky despite him trying to make it go back to normal, by taking deep breaths.

Ritsu felt so guilty, so selfish.

He was such a bad person.

Ritsu let out another choked up noise, feeling like he was on the verge of crying again. His body felt so hot, his vision started to become blurry, it felt like all the strength was completely leaving his body.

He didn't even realize when he passed out, going completely limp.

Chapter Text

Ritsu woke up feeling something brush his bangs away from his face and touch his forehead. 'The thing' was colder than his skin, bringing him a sense of relief and realization of how hot he felt.

The black haired boy slowly opened eyes then blinked slowly a few times to get rid of the blurry vision.

Only then he noticed that 'the thing' was someone's hand, touching his face gently then wiping the rest of the tears that were still on his hot cheeks.

"Ah Ritsu…you're finally awake. I think you might have a fever, I'll get your medication in a second."

That sweet voice…Ritsu knew it so well.

"Maa-kun…?" He mumbled softly, rubbing his eyes and looking up.

Indeed, it was Mao. He stood next to Ritsu's bed with a very worried look on his face, now pressing his hand against his own forehead to compare the temperatures.

"Mm yeah that's definitely a fever." He sighed then looked down at Ritsu, giving him a soft smile. "Don't move alright?"

Ritsu was still sleepy and confused, and fever was definitely not helping either. He slowly started to realize how hot he felt, his body was covered in sweat making his clothes stick to him uncomfortably. The inside of his mouth burned as well, and he felt the need to drink something cold as soon as possible.

That still wasn't his main concern though.

What was Mao doing there?

He didn't reply to any of Ritsu's messages, and now he was showing up so suddenly?

The black haired boy could only sigh, sitting up a little to lean on the pillow more comfortably. He slowly reached for his phone and turned it on before noticing…Mao replied soon after he passed out, apologizing and admitting that he was really busy and feeling a bit down so he couldn't reply earlier.

Now Ritsu felt stupid. Guilty even.

He hated himself even more than before.

He felt embarrassed for having such a strong reaction earlier, despite knowing that it wasn't going to be the last time he feels so overwhelmed by his sudden emotions.

His chest still felt quite heavy as if he was on the verge of crying again, even though he was too exhausted to let the tears out.

Soon Mao came back, holding Ritsu's medications in one hand and a cup with cold water in the other. He slowly sat on the bed and held them out to Ritsu, who took them without a word.

He swallowed the pill cringing at the taste of it then took a big sip of water, letting out a quiet sigh of relief - the cold liquid helping with his burning mouth and tongue.

The younger boy didn't look any less concerned though. He carefully watched Ritsu, expecting him to say something but when he didn't, Mao was the one to start the conversation.

"I'm really worried about you Ritsu…" He said.

The black haired boy glanced at Mao before looking away, for some reason not able to face him.

"It's probably just a cold Maa-kun, you know I'll be fine. Especially if I have such a good caretaker as you." Ritsu replied, trying to add a teasing tone to his voice.

Mao just sighed, not believing it even for a second.

"No, I mean- I know you will, but that's not what I'm talking about. Have you seen your face Ritsu?"

"Now that's a little mean, don't you think Maa-kun…" Ritsu cracked a small smile, trying to act normally, hoping that maybe he can still fool Mao.

"Ritsu." Mao's voice was now stern. "You've been clearly crying, I know there's something bothering you that you're trying to hide from me."

The black haired boy sighed, looking at Mao from the corner of his eye.

He knew him too well.

"It's nothing Maa-kun, please don't worry~." He yawned and sighed, feeling the medicine slowly starting to work, as everything didn't feel as hot anymore.

"Of course I will worry, Ritsu! You're my childhood friend, I don't want to just sit there and do nothing knowing that there's something wrong." Mao replied, a frown appearing on his face.

Ritsu bit the inside of his cheek, clenching his hand into a fist. "I'm your childhood friend so you feel obligated to help me?" He mumbled.

"Huh?" Mao tilted head confused "What did you say Ritsu?"

The older boy took a deep breath and looked at Mao properly. "Do you only want to help me because I'm your childhood friend? If you feel obligated to, then don't, just stop and it will be better for us both."

"W-what-? What are you saying…" Mao looked completely caught off guard by Ritsu's words. "Of course that's not the case, I want to be there for you because I genuinely care. You mean a lot to me, I thought that was obvious."

No, it wasn't.

Not for Ritsu's brain.

It made every act of kindness not feel real anymore, while making the worst, the most nagging thoughts stab his heart through the core, making them seem like something that was surely true.

"I really want to believe you Maa-kun." He murmured, clenching his blanket with his hand.

"Ritsu, I mean it." The frown on Mao's face only deepened as he moved to take Ritsu's hand and hold it in his own. He let out a quiet sigh, a guilty expression appearing on his face. "I'm sorry for not having that much time for you anymore…But I still want you to know that you can always rely on me, no matter what."

"No Maa-kun, it's okay. It's not you, it's me." Ritsu replied, looking at their hands.

Mao stayed silent, not any less concerned.

Ritsu glanced at him then continued. "I can't expect you to always find time for me. I depend on you a lot, when I really shouldn't. I don't want to burden you on top of all the other things you have."

Mao frowned more and squeezed Ritsu's hand tightly in his own. "But you could never be a burden to me, Ritsu. No matter how busy I might be, I still want to know when something is wrong."

"You don't get it Maa-kun." Ritsu quickly replied before Mao could say anything more. "But I can't explain it to you."

Somehow, Mao looked even more confused than before. He let go of Ritsu's hand and grabbed him by his shoulders, looking directly into his eyes.

"Ritsu, listen to me. You're my childhood friend, you're someone really special to me. I hate to see you in so much pain, and I hate not knowing what's causing it even more."

Ritsu could only stare at him, feeling his throat tighten, his eyes becoming wet. He tried to keep his composure, the last thing he wanted was for Mao to grow even more concerned and pressure him more.

"Maa-kun…" He mumbled quietly not able to say anything more - it felt like if he tried to explain anything, tears would spill and he really didn't want to be that weak in front of Mao.

Mao loosened his grip on Ritsu's shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Ricchan…" He said quietly, holding him close, brushing his hand through Ritsu's hair.

Mao didn't use that nickname for Ritsu in ages, and somehow that was what caused the older boy to not be able to hold back his tears anymore.

He started crying silently, wrapping his arms around Mao, holding him close so the red haired boy wasn't able to see his face. Despite that, Ritsu knew that Mao could tell that he was crying - his body was shaking, and he couldn't help but sniffle from time to time, his nose feeling stuffed.

Meanwhile Mao made sure to hold Ritsu as close as he could while still being gentle, not wanting to hurt him when he was still feeling sick. He rubbed Ritsu's back wanting him to let it all out.

After a few minutes, Ritsu started to calm down, no longer crying and just breathing peacefully, still holding onto Mao.

The other boy being there, brought Ritsu some sense of comfort, something that felt like home. It gave him hope that maybe Mao was honest with him, maybe Ritsu was still someone important to him.

Maybe they weren't drifting away after all.

"Ritsu? Are you still there?" Mao asked in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake him up in case he was asleep.

Ritsu just hummed in response, glancing at the other boy, squeezing him gently, to let him know he was fully conscious.

Mao smiled softly and lifted Ritsu's face, wiping his cheeks with his sleeves before cupping them.

"Please Ritsu, believe me when I say you're so special to me. I help you because I want to, I care about you so If I can ease your struggles then of course I'm gonna do so. I'm not obligated to, but I'm happy to do it." He stroked Ritsu's cheeks gently, wiping the leftover tears, while still having that soft smile on his face.

The taller boy could only stare into Mao's eyes, unable to find any words to say.

How much he wished he could explain everything to him.

But despite Mao being nothing but sweet and comforting, Ritsu was too afraid to even try.

He still couldn't do it, he needed time to collect himself and rethink everything.

And it seemed like Mao understood that as well.

"You don't have to tell me now, I'd hate to pressure you. But please, know you don't have to hide anything from me, there's nothing in this world that would make me judge you or think of you badly. Could you consider talking to me about it one day, Ricchan?" He added

There it was again.

That nickname that could always successfully make Ritsu's heart flutter. It felt even more special now since Mao wasn't using it as often anymore.

How could he say no, when Mao was being so sweet to him?

Ritsu nodded and leaned into Mao's touch, a small but genuine smile appearing on his face for the first time that day.

"Thank you Maa-kun…" he said quietly, his voice sounding still a little strained and shaky "You're really spoiling me."

Mao playfully rolled his eyes, giggling. "I think that should be obvious after everything I told you just a second ago."

Ritsu couldn't help but let out a chuckle as well, his smile growing bigger.

He remembered all the reasons why he loved his Maa-kun so much.

His Maa-kun, his sun.

"Now c'mon, you need to rest if you want the fever to go down." Mao said, letting go of Ritsu's face and gesturing for him to lay down.

Ritsu let out a quiet huff of disappointment but did as Mao told him, soon laying on his pillow comfortably, covered with his blanket only a bit since he still felt quite hot.

"Are you gonna stay Maa-kun?" He asked, silently hoping that Mao is going to stay with him for a bit longer.

Luckily Mao nodded, grinning.

"I missed you Ritsu." He admitted, giving the other boy a soft look, one that was only reserved for him.

Ritsu couldn't help but smile more too, reaching out his hand towards Mao.

"I always miss you Maa-kun." He replied in a sleepy voice.

Mao immediately accepted the invitation and laid down next to Ritsu, hugging him again, not too tight but still in a way that brought Ritsu pleasant warmth, butterflies going crazy in his stomach.

He smiled sleepily at the younger boy and gently pressed his hot lips against his neck.

How much he wished this moment could last forever…

He knew it wouldn't, yet he decided to not think about that now.

Right now, he was happy. He had Mao close to him. He felt loved and cared for.

That was enough to bring him a sense of comfort and safety, causing him to fall asleep not even a minute after.

Mao watched him the whole time, the smile not disappearing from his face even for a second. He gently brushed Ritsu's bangs away from his face and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead.

He was still not any less worried, but he trusted that Ritsu was going to talk to him eventually.

And Mao was going to wait as long as he needed to.