Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The preface will be updated with chapter descriptions once the chapter is posted. Since this is an anthology series, the chapters can be read in any order as the stories are not connected. I recommended listening to the song the story is based on before reading. While it is not required for overall understanding, it enhances the story. The goal is to have the story feel the way the song feels, as well as including easter eggs and plot points depending on the song. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Lavender Haze: After debuting their relationship at school, Devi and Paxton attend a party at Trent’s house. Devi gets high as an attempt to fit in, but eventually leaves with Ben in order to calm down. (Devi/Ben, Devi/Paxton)

Chapter 2: Would've, Could've, Should've: Five times Devi talks to Dr. Ryan about her boink with Ben (including one scene from the show), and the one time she reaches acceptance. (Devi & Dr. Ryan)

Chapter 3: Glitch: What if Ben stayed at Devi's house when he was high, instead of leaving with Margot and her dad? (Devi/Ben)

Upcoming:

Maroon: (College Devi/Ben)

Anti-Hero: (Devi)

Snow on the Beach: (Devi/Paxton)

You're On Your Own, Kid: (Ben)

Midnight Rain: (Devi/Paxton)

Question…?: (Devi/Ben)

Vigilante Shit: (Devi/Des)

Bejeweled: (Devi/Ethan, Devi/Ben)

Labyrinth: (Devi/Ben)

Karma: (Aneesa)

Sweet Nothing: (Kid Devi & Mohan)

Mastermind: (Devi/Paxton)

The Great War: (Devi/Ben)

Bigger Than The Whole Sky: (Devi & Dream Mohan)

Paris: (College Devi/Ben)

High Infidelity: (Devi/Ben, Devi/Paxton)

Dear Reader: (Ben)

Hit’s Different: (Devi & Eleanor & Fabiola, Devi/Ben)

You’re Losing Me: (Devi/Paxton)

Chapter Text

———

I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say.

———

It’s a Friday night after school which could only mean one thing; someone is having a party.

Scratch that, someone popular is having a party.

Now that Devi is dating Paxton, she knows she has to attend these sorts of things to keep up appearances.

It’s not like she doesn’t love going to parties. There was a time where no one would even think of inviting her in the first place. But after the slew of terrible rumors about the unveiling of her brand new relationship, she’s dreading tonight.

Devi and Paxton make their way to the front steps of the house, his arm casually draped around her shoulder.

“This should be fun,” Paxton says, smiling at her.

She gives him a tired nod, slightly rolling her eyes. “Yeah. So much fun.”

Devi doesn’t want to tell Paxton about what Zoe, Shira, and Carley said about her in the bathroom, or about all of the dirty looks she’s been getting from the other students. She wants what she has with Paxton to be theirs, without anyone else interfering. Getting him involved would just be a stain on their otherwise fantastic week-long relationship.

Paxton looks at her, picking up on some of her discomfort. “Is something wrong? Did you have a really big lunch again?” he asks, concerned.

She wishes she hadn't used that excuse so many times to get out of hooking up. No matter where she is in life, Paxton will always remember her as the girlfriend he had with really bad IBS.

She shakes her head and shrugs. “I guess I just feel weird about going in.”

“Why? Everyone loves you,” he says earnestly.

After the day she’s had, she knows for certain that is not true. But before Devi can figure out a way to respond, Trent opens the front door with extreme force.

“Sup bro! Sup Crazy Devi!” Trent shouts as he stumbles onto the stoop, almost crashing directly into Paxton.

Paxton laughs, shaking his head. “Are you sure there’s gonna be enough beer? It looks like you drank all of it.”

“And then some,” Devi mutters under her breath. Paxton grins at her quip while Trent shakes his head, denying the accusation.

“Dudes, I would never drink from the party supply. That would make me a terrible host.”

“You have no trouble drinking the entire supply when the party's at my house!” Paxton exclaims.

“Yeah, when I’m a guest I can let loose!” Trent crosses his arms, speaking with conviction, “But hosting is a righteous honor that needs to be taken seriously.”

Trent turns and shouts back into his house, “Is everyone in here getting fucked up?”

The party bursts out in a loud cheer. Trent looks back, beaming at Devi and Paxton. He opens the door wider, ushering them in.

As Trent runs ahead of them happily, Devi trudges inside with significantly less enthusiasm.

She looks around the room, taking in how cold and uninviting the environment looks. Within seconds she spots the popular girls she was dreading seeing, staring at her with the same intensity as everyone else.

The rumors from earlier replay in her mind as they catch her eye.

“Maybe she’s just a huge slut.”

“The only reason a guy like Paxton would be with a freak like Devi is if she puts out.”

“No other logical explanation.”

Devi shakes her head, willing the memories away. Maybe this is just her anxiety. Maybe everyone isn’t actively trying to make her disappear with their minds just because she’s dating the hottest guy in school. Maybe they all just have resting resentful face, and it doesn’t actually have anything to do with her.

Unfortunately, she doubts that’s the case.

Paxton puts his arm around Devi, skeptically looking at Trent. “So if you’re not drinking from the party supply, how are you so drunk?”

Trent sways in his spot, grinning wide. “I got a separate keg, just for me. It’s in my room. Want some?”

Paxton nods, letting Devi know that he's going to get drinks before running off with Trent. She sighs, making it her mission to find a spot to hang out away from all of the prying eyes.

Trent’s house is packed with faces she doesn’t even recognize, laughing, drinking, and having way more fun than she’s ever had at a party like this. Eventually she finds an empty spot in the corner, far away from the rest of the party. Devi sighs, leaning back into the couch.

Her solitude is short-lived as a group of some medium popular girls from her grade (that she’s literally never spoken to before) surround her. They smile, but the simmering jealousy behind their eyes still finds a way to shine through.

One the girls flips her hair back, speaking to Devi with a clear lack of conviction. “It’s like so cool that you’re dating Paxton. We totally don’t hate you for it at all.”

Devi offers them an uneasy grin, trying her best to engage in a normal conversation. “Oh. That’s good-”

“Cause everyone else like seriously hates you. There’s a dartboard with your face on it in the girls bathroom.”

“There is?” Devi gapes, hoping a janitor has since taken it down.

They nod, shifting in place before the brunette girl speaks again. “So, is it like long term? I don’t think Paxton’s ever dated anyone seriously before.”

“I mean, I hope so…” Devi says, bracing herself for further interrogation.

“So, are you guys gonna get married, you think?”

Even though she is at a loss for words, Devi tries to answer anyway. “Married?!? I mean, we’ve only been dating for-”

One of the girls frantically raises her hand, waving it around. “Can I be a bridesmaid?”

“Sorry, what’s your name?” Devi asks, already so exhausted by the constant questioning.

“Shelly.”

“Right, Shelly that I’ve never met before tonight. I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

“I call maid of honor!” one of the girls squeals, overly excited. “Can you make it a beach wedding so Paxton can show off his abs?”

Devi nods half-heartedly, trying to remind herself that she is receiving the attention that she had once desperately craved.

The conversation strays away from wedding plans, as the girls continue to chatter about Paxton. They ask her trivial questions about him that she doesn’t even know the answer to. She responds politely, but can’t help but think about how her personality has been reduced to ‘Paxton’s girlfriend.’ That’s her identifier now.

She always thought she hated being called a Member of the UN, or Coyote girl, or Crazy Devi, but at least those names were descriptors of her as an individual. Now, she was just an attachment to someone else.

Paxton makes his way through the crowd, casually sitting next to Devi. The girls around her disperse as their smiles fall, uncovering the dirty looks that had never really left in the first place.

“What did those girls want?” Paxton asks as he gets more comfortable.

“Just the save-the-date for our wedding,” Devi says under her breath.

“What?”

“Uh, nothing.”

Paxton passes her a cup of something fruity while he takes a small sip from his red solo cup. “Here, I got you some jungle juice. I figured you wouldn’t want beer.”

“Thanks. I don’t trust anything from Trent’s room,” she says with a smile, taking the drink.

He puts his cup on the table in front of them, leaning in close in order to be heard over the upbeat music. “I'm glad you're here,” he says, smiling.

“Me too,” she replies.

He leans in for an affectionate kiss, just like he’s been doing since they started dating. There might be some downsides to being in the public eye, but she’s instantly reminded that this is the part she enjoys. Being with him.

Paxton pulls back, taking another sip of his beer with his arm still draped around her. They relax on the couch together, staring at the ceiling as the party carries on. Trent has covered the ceiling in glow in the dark stars, so it’s actually pretty romantic.

Well, at least it would've been, if the intricate pattern of stars above spelled out something other than ‘boobs’ in all capital letters.

This is nice, she thinks. Quiet, but nice.

The longer it goes on she wonders, does he think it’s quiet but nice, or does he think it’s just quiet? He’s not saying anything, but it’s not like she is either. Should she be saying something?

After debating in her head whether or not to start a conversation, she gives up and continues to stare at the ceiling.

Paxton rests his head on the couch, turning to look at her with a glimmer in his eye. His smile is so infectious she can’t help but smile back. He leans closer, speaking so only she can hear him, “So, Devi…”

“DUDE!”

Devi and Paxton turn abruptly, startled by the voice shouting from across the room.

Trent and the rest of the hot pocket run up to them holding a bong and some very strong smelling weed. “Dude, I got it,” Trent says proudly. “It took forever, but I finally got it.”

Paxton sits up, instantly putting some distance between him and Devi. “No way! Is this what I think it is?!”

“What is it?” Devi asks. She’s not actually all that curious, she just wants to be part of the conversation.

Paxton turns to her, excitedly explaining the reason for the commotion. “Trent has been going on and on about this strain of weed for like years, but his dealer never has it. I thought he was just making it up.”

Trent nods. “It's called Lavender Haze. This shit slaps. I once got so high off it, that I just randomly just started speaking Spanish. Like complete sentences out of nowhere.”

Devi shakes her head in a disbelieving manner. “Without knowing the language? That’s insane.”

“I’m a citizen of the world, Devi. It would be uncultured of me to not know a single other language,” he scoffs.

“Oh, right… Cause you made it sound like you-”

“Here, check it!” Trent hops on top of the coffee table and waves his arms, commanding the attention of everyone around him. He takes a deep breath, projecting his voice to the entire room. “Hola! Cómo estás? Yo soy un perro.”

Devi gapes at him. “You do realize that you just said that you’re a dog, right?”

“I never said I understood what I was saying. Just that I knew it,” he says, slightly annoyed. He shakes it off. “Anyway, do you want a hit? There’s enough to share.”

She looks over at Paxton who is already holding the bong, if you can even call it that. It’s a weird makeshift plastic water bottle filled with water that Trent clearly threw together in under five minutes. It doesn’t look structurally sound.

“I mean, didn’t you say it was hard to get? I don’t want to take it from you,” Devi says, trying to gracefully get out of it.

Trent shrugs, “Apparently it’s a bitch to grow, but I’m not the kind of stoner that won’t pass a blunt. You’re welcome to anything in mi casa.”

Devi looks around the room, unsure of what to do. She’s never done drugs before. The hardest thing she’s ever taken were Flintstones Vitamins.

Paxton lowers his eyes, speaking to her softly. “Devi, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.”

Zoe and Shira, who have just joined the circle surrounding them, look at each other and laugh. Devi takes a sharp breath. The rumors from earlier start replaying in her mind again, drowning out her rational thoughts.

“Isn’t it crazy that Paxton and Devi are together?”

“She’s dying, right?”

“It’s like a deathbed, last wishes thing?”

She shakes her head. She doesn’t want to reinforce their already existing opinion of her by being a lame loser that can’t hang with the crowd.

Devi takes a deep breath, putting on an air of false confidence. “It’s fine. I do want to.” She gestures to the water bottle bong, “I mean, it’s just weed, right? If Barack Obama can smoke it, I can too.”

Paxton looks at her nervously, handing the unused bong back to Trent as he hops off the table.

Devi knows that she can do this. All she has to do is acquire more information, like she would with any new skill. Her teachers consistently give her positive feedback for her ability to quickly grasp new and challenging subject matter.

“So what do I do?” she asks, eager to learn.

Trent holds the object up like he is giving a rehearsed presentation to the entire class. “So this is a gravity bong that I made out of a water bottle and a liter soda bottle.” He nods, proud of himself. “This is so the kind of thing that would get me an A in Shop Class.”

“Our school doesn't have Shop Class,” Devi says, raising an eyebrow, “and isn't that primarily wood?”

“Ha! You said wood.” He stands up straight, preparing himself for what’s next. “Look, I'll go first. Just watch.”

She watches as Trent fills the outer bottle with more water until it’s mostly filled. He grabs his lighter and packs the bottle cap with weed. Once he lights it, the inner bottle completely fills with smoke. He removes the cap and sucks in the smoke, leaving some of it still in the inner bottle. He holds the smoke in his lungs for a few seconds before releasing it out his nose, into the air.

“Damn, I’ve missed this!” he exclaims, passing Devi the bottle. “Or should I say, buenos dias, por favor.”

Devi rolls her eyes, too anxious about her current predicament to correct him again.

Trent repeats the process, getting everything ready for Devi. He lights it, and as it fills up with smoke, passes it to her with a smile.

Here goes nothing, she thinks, as she brings her mouth to the bottle. It smells strange, almost like a pungent floral soap. She ignores the fact that she’s now sharing germs with Trent Harrison and takes a deep breath, inhaling the contents of the bottle.

She inhales, and inhales, and inhales, sucking in as much of the smoke as she can.

“Holy shit!” Trent exclaims, as the crowd around Devi starts to cheer. She continues inhaling, not knowing when she’s supposed to stop. She doesn’t want to look like she’s incapable of taking a hit, but based on everyone’s reactions, it seems like she’s doing alright.

She hears Paxton’s concerned voice from amongst the crowd. “Uh, Devi, I think that’s enough. Maybe you should-”

She keeps going, the cheers increasing in volume. Once there is nothing left in the bottle she backs up, holding the smoke in her lungs. The weed may have smelled like a mix of vanilla and lavender, but the aftertaste is not as good as the floral notes might suggest.

A cloud surrounds her as she begins emptying everything she’s been holding in her lungs. Trent grabs Devi’s shoulder, jumping up and down as she continues letting out smoke. “I think you just earned a new nickname, Hazy Devi!”

Before she can begin to bask in the joy of her new descriptor, she starts coughing up a storm. Like an embarrassing amount of coughing. She’s worried she might seriously cough up a lung. How would she explain that injury to her mother?

After her coughing slows down, she forces herself to burp a few times, trying to get the remaining smoke out of her lungs. Everyone stares at her with a mixture of disgust and pity. Somehow, she even managed to dork up recreational drugs.

“Ew,” Shira says, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Paxton rushes closer to Devi, his eyes wide and full of concern. “Hey, are you okay?” he asks, putting an arm around her.

She stares at him, still trying to regain her bearings.

“Devi?” he asks again, his eyes searching hers, trying to get a feel on how she’s doing.

Devi forces a smile. “All good, bro. Just chilling.”

Paxton raises an eyebrow. “Right… Are you-?”

“Fine. I’m fine. I just feel dumb about all the coughing,” she mutters, trying to ignore the fact that everyone is currently staring at her.

Trent shakes his head. “Coughing is actually a good thing because it gets you higher faster. That’s why I haven’t told my mom about the black mold in my bathroom. One whiff of that and I’m coughing up a storm!”

While Trent may be cool with the coughing, the looks from the rest of the group say otherwise. Devi starts replaying the past few moments in her mind as she sees Marcus run over, empty bottles of liquor in hand.

“We're out of alcohol! We need to go on a run,” Marcus says, informing the crowd. “I think Trent drank most of it.”

Paxton shakes his head, looking at Trent. “Dude! You were just bragging about not drinking from the party supply!”

“Yeah, at the party! I never said anything about the pregame,” Trent informs him.

“And he pregamed the pregame,” Marcus adds.

Trent grins, swaying in his spot. “I pre-pregramed!”

Marcus shakes his head. “Look bro, can you just take us to the liquor store? You’re the only sober one here!”

Paxton looks back at Devi, nervously. “Nah. I should really stay with Devi.”

Marcus shakes his head, clearly annoyed. “Damn dude, you're like an old married housewife or something. You're no fun anymore.”

“I don't think I'd be the housewife,” Paxton says.

Trent puts his arm on Paxton's shoulder. "Hey man, we reject the gender binary here. You can be whatever you want to be."

“Right…”

Devi has been watching this conversation go down while unsuccessfully trying to suppress her coughs. She’s already looked so lame, it would be complete social suicide to embarrass herself any further.

“It's fine, you can go with them,” Devi says, against her better judgment.

Paxton turns to her, looking at her with a concerned demeanor. “I can stay with you. It's seriously not a big deal.”

“No, I'm good. Like, sooo good,” she says extremely causally, as she gives him a thumbs up.

He lowers his voice slightly, leaning in closer to her. “But... have you ever even been high before?”

She shakes her head, shrugging in slow motion. “No, but how bad can it be? If Trent can spend his entire life zonked out, I'm pretty sure I can manage a few hours.”

Paxton rubs the back of his neck, surveying the situation at hand. “I don't know…”

“Listen to your girl, man!” Marcus says. “We need you. Plus, you’re the only one with a fake ID that works.”

Paxton turns to Trent. “What happened to your fake?”

Trent groans. “Got taken away on a technicality. Turns out Octember isn’t actually a real month. And Marcus cut his fake ID up so he could put it in a locket for Shira.”

“I didn't have any other good photos of me. My fake ID was the best one taken, so I wanted Shira to have it,” Marcus says.

Shira gets up from the couch, wrapping her arms around him. “Awww, babe. That's so romantic.”

Marcus leans back slightly, looking at her neck. “Why aren't you wearing it?”

“Well, the locket doesn't really close,” Shira explains. “The picture's kind of bulky.”

As they talk, Paxton turns back to Devi. “If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”

While that’s exactly what she wants, Marcus had just called her ‘Paxton’s girl.’ His girl. It was kind of a sexist remark, but she would renounce feminism a million times over just to hear it again.

“I really don't need anyone looking after me. Plus, I want alcohol and it seems like they really can't get it without you,” Devi says, trying her best to keep her voice steady, hoping it won’t reveal how she’s feeling inside.

“But-”

“I honestly feel fine. Maybe I'm immune to this shit.”

Paxton takes this in, looking back at his friends. “Well... I'll only be gone for like ten minutes.”

“Ok, cool. I'll just be here, you know, vibing.”

He nods reluctantly. “Right. Just… text me if you need me, okay?”

She smiles as he leans in and kisses her goodbye. As he pulls back, Paxton gestures towards the couch. “Just sit with Zoe and Shira. They’ll look after you.”

Devi looks over at them. They have the most ‘put out’ expressions on their faces, as if they were just asked to pick someone up from LAX.

He kisses her again, before running off with the hot pocket. She follows his request and sits with Zoe and Shira as they stare at their phones, endlessly scrolling through every social media app known to man. Devi leans back against the couch, bored out of her mind.

Some babysitters they are. If she was a kid, she could’ve run away at least five times by now.

It’s not like she even needs to be under their supervision. She feels fine. Yeah, she might’ve taken a big hit, but it clearly doesn’t affect her the way it affects everyone else. Maybe the entire world is just exaggerating.

Her phone buzzes with a text from Paxton and as she goes to answer, she realizes she could really use a snack right now. She’s really hungry. And her body feels weird. Vibrating almost? And the room is really big. Was it always this big? She has to pee and it’s probably going to be really hard to find the bathroom now that Trent’s house has turned into a gigantic mansion.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Devi says to nobody in particular.

Zoe rolls her eyes while still looking at her phone. “Can you hold it? Paxton texted that we can’t let you out of our sight, and I really don’t want to watch you pee.”

Unable to process anything that was just said, she stands up anyway. As her body readjusts to the new position, it finally hits her. She’s high.

Really high.

Really really high.

She has never felt like this before in her life; like she doesn’t have control over reality. She’s not really sure where she is right now. She can feel everything around her, hyper aware of the skin on her bones, the hair on her head, even her eyelashes. It’s like she could feel things that she didn’t even know carried a feeling before tonight.

Devi sways in place, unable to move. Shira groans, putting her phone in her pocket and reluctantly standing up.

Shira walks closer to Devi, clearly annoyed. “Fine, I’ll wait outside the bathroom for you. But just know that this is like a huge favor. I’m going to count this on my resume as community service.”

As she stares at Shira, the features on her face start moving around slightly. Devi starts to giggle, bringing her hand up towards Shira’s face. “Shira? Why is your face all swirly?”

“Oh my god, you’re so high. Just come with me.” Shira grabs Devi’s hand midair and starts guiding her to the back of the party.

“Excuse me, move weirdo, out of my way!” Shira shouts like a string of consciousness as they barge through the crowd on the way to the bathroom. Devi watches as the crowd’s shocked reactions form in response to Shira’s rudeness, causing her fit of giggles to turn into intense laughter.

Devi buckles over, holding her stomach as she laughs louder than she ever has before.

“This is going in my progress report to Paxton, just so you know,” Shira says as they arrive at the bathroom. Devi lingers by the door, giggling about nothing in particular.

“Oh my god, just go inside!” Shira forcefully shoves Devi in the bathroom by her shoulder’s. The door slams shut as she walks back to Zoe to resume their endless scrolling, leaving Devi on her own.

———

A few minutes later, Devi stumbles out of the bathroom only to be greeted by a long line of annoyed faces that have been waiting patiently (or not so patiently) since before she cut in. As she scans the crowd for Shira, someone pushes past her, nearly causing her to fall flat on her face. She desperately reaches out and grabs onto the nearby wall, trying to steady herself.

Amidst the lively party noise, she hears the distant sound of footsteps heading towards her. Her eyes scan the ground, instantly drawn to a pair of fancy overpriced designer sneakers that are currently getting closer.

“Well, well, well. Look who succumbed to peer pressure?” a voice says, dripping with sarcasm.

Devi looks up, locking eyes with the person whose voice she could recognize anywhere.

“Ben?”

“No shit, David. Are you that out of it that you don’t know who I am?”

Her shoulders drop, feeling the tension that she had no idea she was even carrying, instantly melting away. Finally, someone she knows is here. Someone who actually knows her.

She shrugs, trying to come across as casual as she can to hide the fact that she’s high as balls. “What, that's what? Like so not... Me? I'm like, fine, so. So fine.”

Ben crosses his arms, clearly amused. “If you were fine, you'd be able to form an actual coherent sentence.”

Devi’s eyebrows shoot up. “I... I just tripped over my words a bit. It happens to everyone.”

He takes a step closer to her, catching her off guard. “And I'm guessing your eyes are just really red because you've been around a lot of pollen?”

She takes a deep breath, determined to hold her own. She may be high, but she’s not about to let Ben Gross win this interaction. “It's allergy season, dude!”

He laughs. She smiles, proud of herself. That was a pretty witty comeback for someone who can't tell the difference between the floor and the ceiling.

“Right, right,” he says, stepping even closer. “Well in the future, you should probably stay away from all that pollen. I wouldn't want to become Valedictorian by default because you went and killed off all your brain cells. I want to win fair and square.”

Ohhh shit. The room is spinning.

Was it spinning before? She’s not sure, she can't remember what was happening five minutes ago. Or five seconds ago. What is she talking about right now?

“Devi? Are you okay?”

She looks up from the combination ceiling floor to see Ben staring at her, eyes filled with concern. His brow furrows, wrinkles appearing on his forehead.

Wow, she is so gonna age better than him. She can't wait until he's fifty and looks like he belongs in a nursing home, while she still looks so good that she gets mistaken for a middle school boy.

Actually, will she even know him that long? Will she still be in his life when they’re fifty?

Oh shit shit shit, the spinning. The spinning is back.

So this is what being high is like, she thinks. It’s just like shaking a winter wonderland snow globe.

She never liked snow globes, even as a kid. At first, she was always overtaken by their beauty. She savored those few fleeting moments after the snow globe was shaken, in awe of the way the object had come to life. But she quickly learned that novelty items are just that; a novelty. Once the water had stilled and the scene had returned to normal, all she could feel was disappointment. It was clear any joy that the item had left to bring had already been spent.

That is, until someone new picks it up and shakes it, starting the process all over again. So much disappointment, so many false promises. Does anyone ever think of what the snow globe wants? How insensitive.

“I don't think it's insensitive to shake a snow globe. That's what they're like, made for.”

Devi's eyes shoot up to meet Ben's. Can he suddenly read minds?

“What are you talking about?” she frantically replies.

Ben responds in a sarcastic tone, shaking his head. “You've been rambling about snow globes for like the past five minutes. You kind of sound like a white dude with dreads that’s just discovering empathy.”

She freezes, eyes widening in surprise. How much of that did she say out loud? Does he know she wants him to be in her life when she's fifty?

Just at that moment a group of girls walks by them, bumping into Devi as they pass. They whisper to each other as Devi slightly loses her balance. She reaches out and grabs Ben’s arm, trying to steady herself.

“Woah, are you okay? Was that on purpose?” he asks, eyeing the girls as they fade into the distance.

She needs to get out of here. It’s too much. This party, these people… What was once a place she wanted to be more than anything, she would now give anything to make a quick escape.

She pulls Ben in closer, speaking into his ear. “Can we leave now?”

“I didn't bring you here,” he says in his typical condescending fashion, with an added level of concern.

“I want to leave. Can we leave?” She repeats, firm and unwavering.

His expression softens as he pulls back, assessing the current situation. She can tell she got through to him, even though she can’t tell much right now. He always displays his thoughts on his face, and she knows exactly how to decode every small quirk of his brow or turn of his mouth.

He nods and quietly says, “Yeah, okay. Okay, we can go.”

She barely hears him, heading straight towards the front door anyway. He quickly grabs her things, holding the door open for her as she stumbles outside.

———

Devi stands in the middle of a dark room. Purple smoke surrounds her, like flares being set off in a time of distress.

She starts to look around for cover before she realizes that everyone around her is cheering her name. A spotlight finds her, illuminating what seems to be the Sherman Oaks gym. She turns to see Paxton, standing by her side wearing a crown.

“Devi, it’s time!” he exclaims, putting a sash around her.

“Time for what?” she asks as the room starts to spin, the excited faces of her classmates becoming one monotonous blur.

“You’ve just been crowned the first lady of Sherman Oaks High School. Here, take your crown!”

Devi could get used to this. She grins as she eyes the crown and the crowd of faces, feeling emboldened by her rise in social status. She takes a deep breath, taking in the scene like it’s a burst of energy.

“Speech, speech, speech!” the crowd chants, as Paxton puts the crown on her head.

She opens her mouth to speak, but for some reason, nothing comes out. She tries again, but still comes up empty. Why won’t her stupid brain say anything? She needs to speak now, knowing her lack of response won’t please the ever-demanding crowd.

The hordes of excited faces start to sour, the light purple smoke darkening in color until it’s a hauntingly deep shade of violet.

“Do you not want this?” Paxton asks, as he starts backing away from her.

Wake up.

Devi looks up, trying to locate the ominous voice speaking through the loud speaker. The crowd starts to bleed into the darkness, as Paxton is pulled along with them.

“No, wait! Don’t go! I’ll try again. I’ll be what you want!” she shouts, but it’s too late. The school set starts to collapse around her, leaving her by herself alone in the night sky.

She sits on one of the clouds, watching as the gigantic koi fish that live in the sky swim around her. So open, so free. Not a care in the world. She wishes she could be like that.

The night sky turns into majestic ocean waves as the fish swim freely. Devi lays back, burrowing herself in the softness of the cloud, hiding from the world.

Wake up!

———

“I said, wake up!” Ben says, slightly raising his voice.

Devi’s eyes open slowly, taking time to adjust to her new surroundings. She's still with Ben in his car, yet it’s clear they aren’t in Sherman Oaks anymore.

“God, you sleep like a corpse. I was seconds away from taking you to the hospital. Are you sure your drugs weren't laced with pcp or something?”

She looks out the window trying to formulate thoughts, but the sound of the waves crashing in the background make it impossible to think.

“Why are we in Malibu?” she asks, drowsily.

Ben exhales, exasperated. “Seriously? You said you wanted to come here.” He shakes his head, recounting the previous events. “Actually, you demanded that we come here after knocking down the entire snack display at Rite Aid. I had to buy the Frito's you accidentally stomped on.”

“Poor you. Did you get the water?”

“Yeah, I did... Do you not remember carrying the six pack to the car?” he asks, passing it to her. She grabs it a little too aggressively and starts chugging, ignoring his question.

The water is helping. She's never felt so dehydrated in her life. She throws the now empty bottle towards the back seat of his car, not paying attention to where it lands.

Air. She needs air.

Ben’s eyes scan her face, desperately searching for something. “Do you not remember… what you said to me? In the car? Before you fell aslee-”

The car door swings open as Devi tries to exit the vehicle. She’s a little wobbly, so she does not do this gracefully. More than a little wobbly, actually. She almost faceplants onto the sidewalk.

“Hey, be careful!”

She saves herself from falling and sinks further into the car seat, where it’s safe.

“Just wait a second, I'll help you get out.”

He runs over to her side of the car and tries to open the door all the way, but Devi pulls it out of his grasp. “You’re a butler.”

Ben tries to comprehend her statement, but ultimately fails. “What? A butler?”

She’s not entirely sure what she’s trying to say, but she continues anyway. “No, you’re rich. Opening car doors is for your butler. You’re butlering.”

“You’re making zero sense right now. Save your witty quips for when you’re sober.”

She smiles. “You think I’m witty?”

“Just let me open the door! Here, take my arm,” he says as he tries to help her out of the car. She reluctantly accepts his help. “And I told you, we call them house managers now.”

Devi stumbles forward, unable to walk in a straight line as they head towards the water. It’s a good thing there are no cops around. She would so not be able to pass a sobriety test right now.

Eventually, they make their way through the sand to the middle of the beach. Devi stands with her feet placed firmly in the sand as Ben finds a spot to put their things, claiming the area as their own. Ben sits on the overpriced blanket that he happened to have in the backseat of his car while Devi chooses to stay on the sand.

There is so much history here. Between them, between her family. It's her dad's resting place. It makes sense she'd want to go here without thinking, like a default option in her brain that she wasn't aware existed before tonight.

It's kind of cold. LA isn't warm at night, but it's always worse by the water. Even though she was shivering, the chill in the air was actually kind of helping keep her grounded. Having Ben beside her was doing the same thing.

Ben sits quietly, observing her. Making sure she’s okay. The more she looks at him, the more she realizes he looks kind of... sad. She can't put her finger on it. Shaken, maybe, would be a better word for it. Like he's replaying something really unpleasant in his mind.

She’s chugged three bottles of water so far, and is on her fourth. She tries to dig into the snacks in the bag next to her, but every bag is already empty. How did she eat that many bags of Frito’s so quickly?

“We can get more on the way back, if you want,” Ben says, interrupting the silence.

She hums in response. “Sorry I made you miss the party.”

He shakes his head, still looking at her with concern in his eyes. “Feeling better?”

She shrugs. “I mean, the world isn't spinning anymore, which is good. But I still feel... floaty.”

“Floaty?”

“Yeah. Like my mind is in a helium balloon above my body,” she says, holding her hands above her head to demonstrate what she means.

“That sounds awful,” he grins.

She nods, tucking her arms back under her knees. “Yeah. It kind of is.”

He notices her shivering and passes her his jacket. She puts it on without a second thought.

“Thanks.”

“No problem,” he says, crossing his arms to stay warm. “And just so you know, the world is still spinning. The earth orbits the sun.”

“No shit, dumbass. You know what I meant.”

He giggles, which makes her feel better. She likes the sound of his laugh. It’s carefree and childlike, qualities he carries but doesn’t exhibit very often.

Devi lays back, looking up at the stars. She’s relieved that the real stars don’t spell out boobs, like the ones on Trent's ceiling. They are beautiful, bright, and randomly placed around the sky.

While she looks at the constellations, her mind quickly goes back to the party. The rumors. The popular girls in the bathroom.

“Isn’t it crazy that Paxton and Devi are together?”

“She’s dying, right?”

“It’s like a deathbed, last wishes thing?”

Devi shakes her head, trying to get the rumors to stop. This is the last thing she wants to be thinking about right now.

“Maybe she’s just a huge slut.”

“The only reason a guy like Paxton would be with a freak like Devi is if she puts out.”

Usually, she can shut it off but they keep getting louder and louder.

“Maybe she’s just a huge slut.”

“Maybe she’s just a HUGE SLUT.”

“MAYBE SHE'S JUST A HUGE SLUT.”

It’s not working. Devi starts talking, trying to get it to stop.

“I still feel kind of weird... Like I can't stop thinking about what everyone's been saying about me. It keeps echoing around me.”

“Makes sense,” he says, doodling random symbols in the sand. “Is that why you got high? Cause of the rumors?”

“No. Maybe. I don't know.”

“That was profound.”

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

Ben raises an eyebrow, looking at her with a knowing look. He can read her so well, like he knows everything she’s thinking before she says it. There’s no point in hiding anything from him, when she really thinks about it. He knows anyway.

“I mean yeah, I guess that was kind of part of it,” she mumbles, hoping he doesn’t hear her admission. “But I also thought it would be kinda fun! Like how Dumbo got high and saw pink elephants. I wanted pink elephant high. All I got was dizziness and anxiety.”

“And dehydration.”

“Exactly!” She sighs, “But you're probably right, the rumors aren't helping.”

He nods, understanding where she’s coming from. “Yeah, the rumors are wild. I heard you guys have a secret baby together that's living on its own private island.”

“What!” She exclaims, laughing at the ridiculousness of the statement.

Ben smirks. “It's better than the rumor that says that he's part of the FBI, and is only dating you so he can send you to jail for getting him hit by a car.”

Devi groans, dragging her hands down her face. “Are people still harping on the car thing?! That was forever ago! He only broke his arm, it's not like he went into a coma.”

“I mean, it was kind of a big deal..."

“And everyone acts like I pushed him. I didn’t tell him to stand in the middle of the road!”

He chuckles, “Yeah. Even I knew to stay in the house.”

She looks at him, eyes widening. The memories of that night suddenly rushing back all at once. The hurt on his face when he realized what had happened. How betrayed he looked. How she had been the one to inflict that pain on him.

She takes a deep breath, starting to apologize. “Ben, I’m-”

“I mean, had you seriously not heard the FBI rumor? I heard that one like ten times today,” Ben says quickly, deliberately keeping them on topic.

“Ten times?!?”

He nods. She throws herself back into the sand. “God, that rumor makes no sense! He's been going to our school since the third grade. How would the FBI know to plant him that early?"

“Maybe they got some intel that you would grow up to be a national security threat.”

She throws a handful of sand in his direction, but it lands nowhere near him. Her aim is off. She could’ve totally pelted him if she wasn’t stoned.

“Come on! You don't actually believe all this, do you?”

His eyes soften as he looks over at her. “Obviously not.”

She sighs. She doesn’t know why she even doubted him. He’s too smart to buy into all that shit in the first place.

“But I mean, it would explain why he looks so old,” Ben says, playing devil’s advocate.

“He doesn't look old!” she exclaims, in Paxton’s defense.

“He looks thirty,” he bites back.

She laughs, more than she would otherwise. Ben is only moderately funny, on a good day. But today, he could say anything and she'd be in a fit of unstoppable giggles. “Whatever. It's better than looking twelve.”

He joins her in her laughter, the anxiety from earlier slowly starting to wash away. This is helping. Maybe things aren't as serious as she's been treating them. Maybe these rumors were just started by some stupid jealous kids trying to make themselves feel better. She probably would've done the same, if she wasn't directly involved in this situation.

“Paxton's the most popular guy in school. Everyone's gonna talk about you. It comes with the territory.”

At that, she groans. Ben shakes his head, continuing his thought. “I don't get it. I thought this was what you wanted. You love attention.”

“No, I love positive attention. I thought dating him would make an icon. I thought everyone would cheer and applaud when I entered a room. I thought I'd be like an Indian Regina George!”

Ben giggles again. She turns to look at him, speaking in an animated tone. “I mean, I performed a feat in the name of unpopular nerds everywhere! I should be their Queen!”

“A feat that only serves you.”

She sighs, taking that in. “Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way.”

Tired of talking about the situation, Devi lays back and looks up at the stars again. Ben follows suit. It's quiet for a while again, which is nice.

She starts to think about the school year, her relationships, how she used to fight with Ben about everything. It all seems so... meaningless now. Flashes of their whole life start to pass by her. Non-stop memories of one upping each other down to a 0.01 percentage point, splitting extracurriculars, taking up a majority of class time with their heated arguments. Why did they spend so much of their energy competing? What did that ever accomplish, other than wasting both of their time?

She starts laughing uncontrollably. He turns his head, looking at her inquisitively. “What? Why are you laughing?”

“We used to fight about everything. For like, a decade,” she says with a grin so wide her cheeks hurt.

“I know.”

“Why did we do that?”

He grins, starting to join her infectious laughter. “I don't know.”

“I used to smash things every time you got a higher score than me,” she says, laughing to the point of tears.

He rolls on his side, watching her intently as she laughs harder and harder. “Yeah, you did.”

“Do you remember our first fight?” she asks, as her laughter gets even louder.

Ben squints, thinking seriously. “Our first? I don’t know. We’ve had so many.”

“I think it was show and tell. When you wouldn’t shut up about some VIP tour you got at Disney. You acted like you personally knew Mickey Mouse himself or something.”

“No way. We definitely fought before that,” he grins.

“You think?”

“We fought on the first day of first grade, remember? When Mrs. Campbell asked who should be the line leader.”

Devi raises her eyebrows, clearly picturing the incident. “Oh shit, you’re right! You told me I wouldn’t even be able to lead myself down the hall, let alone lead the class.”

“I stand by that.”

She sighs, thinking about every other memory the two of them share. “What about the first time we were sent to the principal’s office? My mom was so pissed. I got grounded for like a month. I wasn’t even allowed to eat my candy on Halloween.”

“Was that in fourth grade?”

She nods. “Yeah. When we interrupted the school assembly because we were fighting about the results of the spelling bee.”

Ben laughs, smiling at her with a sense of admiration that he was lacking when they were nine.

“What about you?” Devi asks, focusing on the deep blue of his eyes.

“What about me?” he responds, staring at her with a similar intensity.

“Did you get grounded that day?”

He scoffs. “No. I’ve never been grounded.”

“No wonder you were so insufferable,” she says jokingly.

“Yeah,” he says softly, a clear sadness creeping up in his expression. “You know, if we talk about every fight we’ve had, we’ll never be able to leave Malibu.”

She laughs some more, forgetting everything she was upset about earlier in the night. “I know.”

Just then another memory comes to mind, proving to be even more ridiculous than every single one they’ve mentioned so far. She loses it, her laughter resuming its previous intensity.

“What now?” he asks, more amused than ever.

“I just remembered when I said that I wished the Nazi's would kill you,” she says in disbelief.

Ben stops laughing, eyebrows raised. “Hey, that wasn't funny. Anti-semitism is on the rise, you know. I can't even listen to Kanye anymore.”

“Well, you told the whole school I was an unfuckable nerd!”

He nods, agreeing. “You’re right, I did do that. But I still don't think that's as bad as literal hate speech.”

“Yeah, I did go too far I guess…”

“You always do. I'm used to it.”

She sighs, spreading her arms and legs out as far as she can. She starts making snow angel impressions on the sand. “Don't worry, though. I'm never gonna be angry again.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Dude, trust me. Getting high has cured me. I don't think I even have that emotion anymore. I feel lighter.”

“Well... that would suck,” he admits.

She stops moving on the sand and lays on her side, looking into his eyes again. “Why? You have some weird degradation kink?”

Ben grimaces, shaking his head. “Ew, no. I just mean, it's part of who you are.” His expression softens, speaking earnestly. “You wouldn't be you, otherwise.”

Devi looks at him, taking in every ounce of who he is now and who he’s always been. For a moment she’s not dating Paxton and he’s not dating Aneesa, and they are just two nine year olds screaming about the proper spelling of the word sacrosanct.

Ben rambles on, “I mean, did you even watch Inside Out? All of the emotions are equally important. That's like the whole message.”

“Yeah, but no one likes Angry. Out of all the characters in that movie, Angry is no one's favorite.”

“I bet your favorite character is Disgust.”

She smiles and laughs. Of course, he's right. “And what, yours is Fear?”

“Duh. It's voiced by Bill Hader. Comedic Genius. Best part of the whole thing.”

“Seriously? When Amy Poehler is in the same movie? Now that's just sexist.”

“I never said she wasn't a comedic genius! I'm just speaking within the confines of this specific movie. Side characters are always better than the leads. They get to be the comedic relief without driving the story. The main character usually has to go through some type of metaphysical metamorphosis throughout the film that-”

Devi sticks her fingers in her ears, aggressively burrowing herself deeper into the sand. “Ughhh, I'd rather drown in the ocean than get some brain dead film bro analysis from you. I'm too high for this.”

Ben abruptly stands up and reaches his hand out. “Let's do something else, then.”

She waits for a second before reaching out and grabbing his hand. He pulls her up, leading her towards the sidewalk. For some reason, she doesn't let go of his hand.

———

“Are you gonna eat that?”

With a wide eyed and innocent expression, Devi points to the meal that Ben has yet to start. He’s had enough time, he's just been too busy putting his napkin on his lap and carefully opening his plastic silverware.

Devi can't believe he's like this, even in a fast food joint. Everyone knows it's classier to act without class in a place like this.

“I was planning on it...” Ben looks down at the table, surprised. “Wait, how did you finish so fast? I ordered you two portions.”

She shrugs. “Dunno, I'm still hungry. Can you order more?”

The cashier shouts towards their table. “Kitchen's closed. And soon the entire place will be, once you leave…”

Devi leans forward to speak to Ben. “How'd she hear what I said?”

Ben smirks at the fact that she is comically unaware of her surroundings. “You've been shouting. You still are, actually. It's kind of unpleasant.”

She leans even closer, in his face, finally speaking in a hushed tone. “But she was so rude, right!”

“We did show up five minutes before they close…”

She shrugs, leaning back. “Shouldn't these types of places be required to stay open for 24 hours? I mean, what about all the people in desperate need of fast food?”

“I don't think ‘starving stoners’ is an epidemic people care about.”

“Just saying, they should be open longer.” She gestures again towards his chicken tenders and fries. “Can I-”

“Fine, just take it. I'll eat at home.”

She grabs his food, shoving her face with it at an intense velocity. He grimaces, leaning as far away from her as possible. “Can you stop? Watching you eat is like watching a wildlife documentary.”

As he says that, she forces the chicken tender a little too hard into the dipping sauce and gets it all over the table and her shirt.

“...I'll get some napkins.”

She eats it anyway, getting even more sauce on her face. It drips down her chin in slow motion.

He sighs. “A lot of napkins.”

While he’s gone, she quickly finishes his food. She's still hungry. Her stomach feels like a never ending black pit that will never be satisfied. To take her mind off of it, she looks at her phone.

It's 11:01pm. The restaurant is officially closed, and Trent's house party is undoubtedly in full swing, if not almost winding down.

She looks through her phone to see what she’s missed, and sees several missed calls and a few worried texts from Paxton asking where she is. She knows she should answer, but she doesn't really want to get into where she is or why she left… or who she’s with.

Plus, he only started texting her about thirty minutes ago. She wonders why it took him that long to realize she was gone.

“Okay I got some napkins, along with several dirty looks from the staff,” Ben says, taking his seat back in front of her.

She takes the napkins from him with a smile. She puts her phone down on the table. “Thanks. I'm sticky.”

He laughs, “Yeah, you are. But you look kind of cute with all that barbecue sauce on your face.”

“What?” she squeaks as looks up at him, eyes wide. She moves so quickly that she accidentally hits her drink, causing the cup of HiC in front of her to go flying across the room.

Oh shit.

Ben watches in horror as the orange puddle on the floor grows in size, creating a giant mess.

The cashier shakes her head. “Alright, time to go.”

———

Ben and Devi stand outside the restaurant as the employees walk to their cars. There is a chill in the air, causing Devi to sink further into the slightly oversized jacket that she has yet to return to Ben.

“We can never come back here,” she sighs.

“And who's fault is that?”

She hmph’s in lieu of response as Ben’s gaze falls down to her lips.

He’s not… There’s no way he’s…

He moves in slowly as her heart starts to pound out of her chest, the feeling reverberating through her entire body. She’s not sure if this reaction is due to the fact that she’s high, or the fact that he’s moving in, closer and closer.

It’s definitely the weed. No other reason.

“You still have sauce on your face, you know,” he says softly.

She wines, “My dexterity is off! I just need a mirror…”

“Here, let me,” he says as he reaches out, wiping the rest of the sauce off of her face. She stares into his eyes as he slows his movements.

The pads of his fingers stay on her lips, moving ever so slightly as Devi feels her eyes start to close.

He moves his hand to cradle her face, pushing her hair back behind her ear. She can feel his breath on her face, as hers rapidly increases speed.

She starts to lean in, choosing not to listen to the logical part of her brain that is currently screaming at her. It’s not like she ever listens to that part of her brain anyway.

Just as she gets closer, Ben lets go, backing away from her. “Um, we should probably go…”

She opens her eyes, blinking repeatedly. “Oh, right.”

Ben clears his throat, looking down at his feet. “It's just that you don't really seem as high anymore. At least not Snow Globe high.”

“God, let it go! I don't even remember what I said.”

He laughs, “I just mean you can form coherent sentences. They may be loud, but they make sense.”

She nods, letting the moment they just shared wash away as she comes back to herself. “You're right, though. I'm not. At least, I don't think I am, anyway.”

“So, am I driving to your house? Or back to the party?”

“Paxton texted me a bunch of times… so back to the party. I think.”

“Yeah, ok,” Ben says with an intense look that she can’t entirely read. He averts his gaze, finding an oddly shaped rock on the ground to kick as they walk back to his car.

“Sorry I made you miss the whole thing.”

Ben shakes his head, speaking honestly. “I never cared about the party.”

Devi nods to herself, swaying away from Ben as they walk. She knew he felt that way, so she’s not sure why she was even apologizing. Possibly just to fill the silence, trying to erase whatever tension hangs in the balance as she heads back to see her boyfriend.

They walk silently, the air heavy between them. Ben continues to kick the rock, keeping it in front of them as they walk down the poorly lit sidewalk. Before she knows it she will be back at the party with Paxton, completely sober, and this insane night will finally be over.

She’s been gone a long time. There’s no doubt everyone has been talking about her in her absence. Just thinking about it makes her want to rip all of her hair out.

“God, going back there is gonna be so embarrassing,” Devi groans, breaking the silence.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why? Cause I freaked out and left the party when everyone else was super chill and having a great time. I just proved everyone right. That I'm not cool like they are.”

Ben nods, listening to her as he gives the rock another little kick, rounding its edges as it skips a few feet in front of them. “But you don't need to do this, you know. Getting high to fit in.”

“Why? Cause even if I do, it still won't matter?”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean, I've never fit in. I always thought if I tried hard enough, I'd be able to eventually. But it's obvious that it's just a lost cause,” Devi says, admitting the thing she’s been afraid of since the relationship began.

“And so what if it is? Why do you want all of these people to like you so bad anyway?”

Devi rolls her eyes. “You don't get it. You like being lonely.”

“I don't like being lonely. I just know how to be,” he says, instantly.

She looks at him, startled by the honesty of his response. She's still a little too fuzzy to try and unpack that statement, but she wants to try.

“Ben-”

“Look, I do get it, Devi,” he says, interrupting her. “I just don't think getting them to like you is worth compromising who you are.”

She nods, distracted enough by her own thoughts that she won't press him about what he meant by that. He's right, anyway. It's not worth it to get them to like her if it feels like this.

“Do you ever get tired of being right all the time?”

“Nope, not really,” he laughs. “But it's like you said, cause I understand you, right?”

That sounds familiar, but she can’t quite place it. “What?”

“Oh, it's uh... it's nothing.”

She looks at him, trying her best to figure him out but he's not giving much away. They keep walking to the car in silence. Ben gives the rock one last kick before letting it roll into the street, leaving it behind. She wonders if he'll do the same with his memories of tonight.

———

Thanks to the fresh air from the open windows, Devi is feeling a lot better. She’s still feeling weird, but more of a normal weird than an otherworldly weird. She leans slightly out the window, letting her hair flow in the breeze.

When they first got in the car, Devi smoothed things over with Paxton by letting him know they’d be back at the party soon. His texts indicated that he was a little upset that she left, but after some explanation he seemed to understand the reason why.

She’s not that worried about that anyway. She knows he’ll forgive her. She’s got other things on her mind.

Devi turns her attention to Ben, who is currently focusing on driving. As she watches him carefully switch lanes, her mind starts echoing things he said from earlier in the night.

“You’ve been rambling about snow globes for like the past five minutes.”

“Devi, get off of the Fritos!”

“I think we’ll know each other when we’re fifty.”

She shakes her head, the memories instantly vanishing. They might not even be memories, she's not really sure. She can barely remember them. She said a lot of things at the party, on the car ride up, at the beach… But she was high. She probably wasn't making much sense anyway.

The one thing she knows for sure, is she is definitely never getting high ever again. This experience made it clear that she’s not even cut out for basic recreational drugs. She is glad she tried it, though. At least she has an entertaining story she can tell to future coworkers or write about in her future memoir.

Once she arrives back at the party, the first thing she does is find Paxton. He’s standing in the corner alone, taking slow sips from his red solo cup.

He must have seen Devi approach him, but his eyes still stay glued to the floor. “Hey,” she says softly, hoping for his attention.

He looks up at her briefly, before looking back at his cup.

Devi sighs, trying to make things right. “I'm sorry I left. I should’ve told you that I was going.”

His eyes finally meet hers, and she can tell they are filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt. “It's midnight, Devi. Shira says you've been gone for like 3 hours. I get like stepping out for a little bit, but you were gone all night. I've been texting you, and you weren’t answering-”

She reaches out, holding onto his arm in an attempt to ease his worries. “I know, I just got a bit paranoid and I needed some fresh air and some water. I couldn't think, I just knew I didn't want to be here anymore.”

“You could've waited for me. The liquor store run didn't take that long. I mean, it took longer than expected because Trent knocked over the entire wine display, but I still could've been there for you.”

“I know.”

“I was really worried. I shouldn’t have left,” Paxton regretfully says.

Devi shakes her head, moving closer. “It wasn’t your fault. I told you to go.”

He takes her hand off of his arm, intertwining his fingers with hers. “Still. It was stupid. I’m really sorry.”

She rests her head on his chest as he sighs, running his fingers through her hair.

“Just with all the rumors and everything, it's been really hard. I didn’t want to stay here when all I could think about was what everyone was saying about me,” she says, her voice muffled from speaking against his chest.

“Rumors? What rumors?”

Devi pulls back, looking up at him. “Haven't you heard what everyone's been saying about you dating me?”

Paxton rolls his eyes. “No. I don't listen to that kind of shit.”

“Really? Not even the one that says you're dating me as a social psychology project?” she asks, eyebrows raised.

Paxton shakes his head, leaning back against the wall without letting go of her hand. He looks into her eyes, speaking with genuine care. “Look Devi, I like you. I don't really care about what anyone else thinks. Honestly.”

Devi rests her head back on his chest, as Paxton wraps his arms around her. “So I take it that getting high isn’t for you?”

She shakes her head frantically, most likely getting makeup all over his t-shirt. “I don’t know what Trent was talking about. That shit did not slap. It bulldozed!”

Paxton chuckles, “You don't need to do things to try and impress me. I already like you.”

“I like you too,” she says, confessing her lingering anxieties. “I just worry sometimes that you'll stop.”

He pulls her closer, kissing her to provide as much reassurance as he can. As they part he says, “I like you. Just... let me like you, okay?”

Devi smiles softly, taking this in. “...Okay.”

They walk hand in hand towards Paxton’s friends, rejoining the group. “So he knocked over the whole display?” Devi asks.

“Yup. It was a pyramid of bottles. Pretty stupid design, though. It was almost asking to be bumped into.”

“Did you have to pay for it?”

“Yeah, but Trent put it on his Aunt Judy's credit card. She is not going to be happy when she gets her credit statement in the mail.”

They laugh, taking a seat with the people Devi had been trying to impress all night. None of that seems to matter anymore as she lazily leans into Paxton’s touch. They don’t mention that she’s back after missing for hours, and it’s clear they aren’t thinking about her as much as she’s been thinking about them.

She lets go of the need to impress these people and just enjoys the moment for what it is, a dumb high school party that nobody will remember the details of on Monday.

———

Ben watches from the background as Devi jokes around with Paxton and the hot pocket, with an ease of confidence he has never seen her display amongst such a large crowd.

He stands alone in the corner, opening up a beer for the sole purpose of looking busy. He checks his phone, staring at the text message from Aneesa from hours earlier. It was a simple text, apologizing for being unable to sneak out and asking how the party is going.

He puts the phone back in his pocket. He'll answer later.

The party seems to be emptying out as people hover by the door, waiting for their uber’s to approach. Even though the night is almost officially dead, Trent seems to be even more energized than ever. Ben watches as Devi cuddles up to Paxton, internally cringing but unable to look away.

All he ever does at parties is observe, anyway. He hates things like this. The only reason he even went in the first place was because he knew Devi was going. Dating Paxton means she'll be at all of these from now on.

After what Eleanor said at the Winter Dance, Ben can’t seem to get Devi out of his head no matter how hard he tries. He knows it's wrong to come only for her, he should be focused on Aneesa. And he should feel glad that he came, because Devi needed him, because he got to spend time with her. But being her lifeline, while momentarily fulfilling, just isn’t enough.

He wonders how often his mind will bring him back to this night, to the long car ride on the way to Malibu. To the things she said to him that will never be acknowledged again.

It's a special kind of torture that can only be temporarily eased by having a drink. He goes to take a sip, just as he sees Paxton and Devi approaching him.

Paxton’s arm is wrapped around her, yet Ben can tell that she still looks a little out of it. Devi smiles at him, but looks at Paxton slightly confused as to why they've walked up to him. Ben doesn't blame her, he's unsure of what's happening as well.

“Hey man, I just wanted to say thanks for helping her out.” Paxton nods to Devi, pulling her closer. “Going with her to the beach to calm down. That was really nice of you.”

“I feel a lot better now,” she squeaks out, still slightly uncomfortable by this interaction.

“Yeah, it's... Don't mention it.”

“Well, we're gonna head... I have to take her to Eleanor’s house. But I think the party is still going strong. Trent said he was about to get his Twister Monopoly set from the attic.”

“Twister Monopoly?” Ben gapes, trying to piece together what that game could possibly be like.

“Trent created it. He doesn't have the Twister mat, just the wheel, so he makes everyone stand on the Monopoly board. I think I still have a scar on my foot from stepping on the Wheelbarrow.”

“He leaves the pieces on the board?” Devi asks, finally joining in on the conversation.

“Yeah. He says taking them off would compromise the integrity of the original game.”

“That sounds awful,” Ben says, grinning.

Paxton nods. “Which is why we're leaving. But don't tell Trent I said that. He thinks that it's my favorite game and that I've obtained the patents for it.”

Ben looks directly at Devi, taking on a more serious expression. “I won't say anything.”

They look at each other for a moment but she eventually looks at the ground, breaking their eye contact.

Paxton doesn’t seem to notice, shaking Ben’s shoulder. “You're a good guy, man. Later.”

As they leave the party, Devi looks at Ben over her shoulder. He stares back, wondering if she's thinking about the night they shared. About their car ride up, when she was so high she was saying things she would never say otherwise.

He shakes his head, throwing the half-full beer can out. He waits before leaving to make sure he doesn't bump into them again.

Once he gets to his car, he ignores the discarded empty water bottles in the backseat and the remnants of sand on the car floor. Instead, he turns to the empty passenger seat where Devi once sat, replaying the car ride to Malibu over and over in his mind as he drives home.

———

The windows are down, causing the crisp air to whisk through the quiet car.

Ben puts his signal on, leaving the Rite Aid parking lot as Devi struggles to buckle herself into the front seat. Ben follows Siri’s directions, heading towards the nearest entrance to the 101.

He takes his eyes off of the road for a moment to look at Devi. Her eyes are bloodshot and glazed. She’s barely able to keep them open.

He can tell she’s not in this universe right now. He kind of wishes he was with her, wherever her mind is. It’s probably peaceful. It’s not like his mind is ever peaceful.

He thinks back to what she had said earlier, when she didn't know she was speaking. Amidst the nonsense about shaking snow globes, she'd talked about him. He wonders if she knows she did.

The silence is long and airy, and he worries that maybe she's gone too far into her own mind. Her expression sours as he continues down the windy road, and it dawns upon him that maybe her mind isn’t as peaceful as he once thought.

He'd say anything to break the silence, to pull her out of it.

“I think we'll know each other when we're fifty,” he says, looking back and forth between her and the road.

Devi meets his eye level, broken out of her trance. That had worked.

She smiles slightly, still holding the zoned out unfeeling expression that had been frightening him for most of the car ride.

“That's a long time from now. A lot can happen. I'll probably do something to make you hate me again.”

“I could never hate you,” he says. He corrects himself, stuttering, “I, I mean, I’ve never hated you. Even when I was upset.”

She sighs, her head leaning back against the headrest. “I can't imagine you not in my life. But I've never really known otherwise, you know?”

Ben nods, bringing his eyes back to the road.

She continues her thought, choosing to not wait for his response. “Sometimes, I think you're the only person that understands me.”

"Why is that? Cause everyone else is dumb?” he says with a smirk.

“No. Cause you understand grief.”

Ben frowns, gripping the cold steering wheel tighter. He’s not sure what to make of that. A heavy silence passes between them before he decides to answer.

“No one close to me has ever died. Not even my grandparents,” he says softly, shifting his gaze back to her once again.

“I know. I mean, I've experienced grief, but you have it naturally. Like another language you were taught so young that you don't remember learning it. It's just part of you. So you understand.”

She's not looking at him, but it's like she can see through him without even trying.

He takes this in, as an intense sadness washed over him. A sadness that has always been there, it’s just resurfacing at her words.

He could think about what this means. How it rings true for their bond, how it could be why he’s never connected with any girl he’s tried to date, how he’s never deeply connected with any of his friends. All because they all lack their shared understanding. But instead, he just shakes his head.

He can’t focus on that now. He has to focus on her.

“You know, I also know Hebrew. And a little Yiddish. And I'm obviously fluent in Mandarin,” he says, joking around to lighten the mood.

She laughs a little too hard. “You're stupid.”

“Your IQ has been significantly lowered by the substance you're on, so you're one to talk.”

She rolls her eyes, and wearily taps her forehead a few times with her index finger. “I'm like five times as smart on this, bro. All of my thoughts are happening at once. Like a tornado of intelligence.”

“Well I'm very happy for you,” he sarcastically bites back. “But I have a feeling you won't remember any of this tomorrow.”

She hums, resting her head against the car window.

Ben merges into the right lane, approaching the highway entrance to Malibu. They still have time to turn around, but they won’t for much longer.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to bring you back to Paxton?”

She shakes her head. “I just want to stay with you.”

He nods, continuing on the route to Malibu, merging onto the freeway.

Her eyes flutter as she dreamily says, “I always want to stay with you.”

“Yeah?”

She hums again, her voice barely above a whisper. “No one else. Just you.”

She drifts off, drowning out the Siri directions to Malibu. His heart hurts for her, but it also hurts for himself. He wishes he could ease her pain, but he knows he’ll never be able to.

If he could, he'd stay here with her forever. As they get closer to their destination, he knows the moment is close to over and the night will turn into a normal night, just like any other.

Devi starts to snore, a blissful expression on her face as she's in what seems like a happy dream.

He smiles at her, but his smile fades as he keeps on driving. 

Chapter Text

If you would’ve blinked, then I would’ve looked away at the first glance

“It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Doc!”

The door slams open, as Devi stands triumphantly in the doorway of Dr. Ryan’s office. Dr. Ryan looks up from her phone, startled by Devi’s presence.

Devi throws her hands up, waiting for the imminent applause. “It happened. I boned.”

“Boned?” Dr. Ryan asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You know, popped my cherry, turned in my v-card, what have you.”

“So, you lost your virginity,” she says carefully, pulling her notepad closer.

Devi shrugs. “I mean, that works too.”

“That’s a lot to hit me with first thing in the morning, Devi. Are you going to come inside?” Dr. Ryan asks, ready to begin the therapy session.

“That’s what she said,” Devi says with a wide grin. “See, I totally understand those jokes now! I’m about to have sexual innuendos out the wazoo.”

Dr. Ryan shakes her head. “Why don’t we start with how you feel about it?”

Devi sighs, pacing back and forth instead of taking her usual seat on the couch.

“Devi?”

She finally sits, resting her head in her hands. “Well, you know how I’ve always talked about getting railed? This wasn’t really like that. It kind of ended before the railing could begin.”

“So, I’m guessing it wasn’t exactly what you were expecting?”

Devi looks down, purposely trying to avoid eye contact. “You mean, did I have my mind blown? Because if that’s the question, then no. No, I did not.”

“I see…,” Dr. Ryan says, leaning forward. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know,” Devi shrugs. “I mean, it’s not like he was small or anything! At least, I don’t think so. But I also have nothing to compare it to.”

Devi sits up straighter, as if a lightbulb moment just passed her by. “If I measure it with my hands, could you tell me if it’s a respectable size or not?”

She starts moving her hands apart, waiting for a reaction. Dr. Ryan’s expression stays the same.

“Devi…”

She drops her hands back into her lap, rolling her eyes. “Sorry. I know you’ve called a moratorium on all penis talk.”

“Thank you. Can we talk about how it made you feel instead of the act itself?”

“I have girl talk right after this, Doc! I’ll get into all that stuff with them. I’m more looking for advice and tips from an experienced adult.”

“This was your first time, Devi. You’ve been talking about this since the day I met you,” Dr. Ryan says, speaking gently. “I’m sure we can go a little deeper.”

Devi raises her eyebrows, shooting her a knowing look.

“And no more ‘that’s what she said’ jokes,” Dr. Ryan says firmly, pointing her pen at Devi.

Devi sighs, giving in and opening up. “Fine. Even though I didn’t have my guts rearranged or whatever—”

Dr. Ryan sighs and shakes her head.

“—I think I might kind of, maybe, want to be with him. Which is dumb, I know.”

“Why is that dumb?” she asks, seeing that they’re making some progress.

“You know, classic teenage girl, getting attached,” Devi says meekly. “Next thing you know I’ll be getting his initials tattooed on my forehead, or throwing away my birth control in order to trap him.”

“I strongly advise that you do neither of those things,” Dr. Ryan says, slightly alarmed. “And I don’t think those are teenage girl stereotypes.”

Devi sighs, taking her phone out of her pocket. She scrolls through past texts with Ben. He hasn’t texted since that night. She puts her phone face down on the couch, leaning back.

“I don’t think there is anything embarrassing about falling in love with him, Devi,” Dr. Ryan says.

“I didn’t fall in love with him!” Devi exclaims.

Dr. Ryan gives her a knowing look.

“I didn’t,” Devi insists. “Yeah, he might’ve been the first person to see me in ways I’ve never shown anyone, and I might’ve felt like we were one or whatever, and like I could finally let my guard down and feel safe with him, but that’s totally normal. I’m sure the people porking on Too Hot to Handle feel the same way.”

“Right. Let’s work together and try to unpack that statement,” Dr. Ryan says.

Just at the moment, Devi’s phone buzzes. Her eyebrows raise, abruptly standing up.

“Gotta go, time for girl talk,” Devi says, bumping into the table between them, running towards the door.

“But Devi we still have—”

The door slams, leaving Dr. Ryan alone in silence.

“—Fifteen minutes left…”

Dr. Ryan sighs, trading her notepad for her salad, taking a well deserved break.

Dr. Ryan’s silence is short lived. An hour later her office door slams open, as Devi and her problems come crashing back in without warning.

“He friendzoned me!” she exclaims, talking wildly with her hands.

“Devi? Didn’t we already have an appointment today?” Dr. Ryan asks, taking a second to take in the disruption.

“I need to talk to you. I texted him and he totally swerved me!” Devi takes out her phone, reading what he said, verbatim. “I’m actually pretty busy, but thanks for the invite. Have a great summer.”

Dr. Ryan puts down her lunch, gesturing for Devi to take a seat on the couch. She continues pacing.

“I mean, he literally took my virginity! Shouldn’t that mean something to him?” she asks, starting to get emotional. “All I get is have a great summer???”

“I understand how you’re feeling, Devi. This wasn’t the outcome you wanted,” she says. “You wanted to be with him.”

Devi stops pacing, breathing heavily, her expression showing how hurt she is. “Um, I mean…”

She shakes her head, rebuilding her tough exterior instantly. Her anger rises, flames building in her eyes. “I should show up at his house, right? Leave several angry voicemails? Maybe vandalize something? What’s the move, Doc?”

Dr. Ryan takes a deep breath. “I think the move is to do nothing.”

Devi’s mouth drops open. “Nothing?!?”

“Devi, the two of you shared something very special together. And he chose to blow you off. Is that someone you want to spend your time with?”

Devi lets her arms go limp, looking sadly at the ground. “…No.”

“Before you jump into anything, you should think about how this makes you feel. Now, why don’t we schedule another appointment for next week so I can finish my lunch.”

“Okay,” Devi says quietly, as she stalks out of the office for the second time in one day.

Devi sits across from Dr. Ryan, speaking excitedly about her summer so far. Her demeanor is more positive than it has been in past sessions, as she details her most memorable moments of the past week.

“And that’s when Fabiola, Eleanor, and I went to Erewhon for the first time,” she says. “Did you know they charge thirty five dollars for chicken noodle soup? And don’t get me started on the price of a single carrot.”

Dr. Ryan smiles, gently redirecting the conversation. “That does sound fun, but I was thinking we could talk about something else.”

“Talk about what? Are overpriced groceries not exciting enough for you?” Devi asks.

“How do you feel about what happened with Ben?” Dr. Ryan asks, hoping to uncover how she’s really feeling about it.

Devi stutters, eyes widening. “Uh, Ben who?”

Dr. Ryan shoots her a look.

Devi groans, throwing her head back. “I mean, I obviously know who Ben is. That’s just the attitude I’m emulating. I don’t care about him anymore!”

“And why is that?” Dr. Ryan asks skeptically.

“Because I don’t!” Devi insists. “I mean, so what he doesn’t want to be with me? Big woof. I’m so out of his league anyway!”

Dr. Ryan writes more on her notepad, listening to Devi’s rationalization.

“I pulled the hottest guy in school,” she says. “He’s probably going to pull the Senior Superlative for being most like Urkel. We’re on totally different playing fields!”

“I’m not sure this is a healthy way to process what happened between you,” Dr. Ryan says.

“I told you Doc, I’m over it! I’m onto my next crush. You have famous clients right? Can you call in a few favors and get me a date with Conrad from The Summer I Turned Pretty?”

“Devi,” Dr. Ryan sighs, with an eyebrow raised.

“Tell him I’m experienced now and would be down to put out on a first date,” Devi informs her.

Dr. Ryan shakes her head scribbling more concerns down on her notepad.

The therapy session started five minutes ago, but Devi has yet to say anything. Instead, she paces back and forth, mumbling to herself.

“What’s wrong, Devi?” Dr. Ryan asks. “Would you like to sit?”

Devi turns around frantically, finally facing Dr. Ryan. “I shouldn’t have shown up with the note. It gave him the wrong impression!”

“Wait, what are we talking about?”

“Ben! The note made it sound like I wanted it to be a one time thing. One free boink. What if that’s what he thinks?”

“I see we’re back on Ben,” Dr. Ryan mumbles with a sigh.

“Whatever. So maybe I’m not like totally over it,” she says. “It’s just that if I could just go back and do it again, I would have played it completely different!”

Dr. Ryan leans back in her chair. “Okay, let’s talk about this. How would you have done things differently? If you had all of the knowledge you have now.”

Devi stops pacing, thinking about this seriously. She takes a seat on the couch.

“Well to start, I would’ve shaved, you know, the ol’ hoo ha,” she says, gesturing to her crotch.

Dr. Ryan shakes her head, a usual occurrence for one of her meetings with Devi.

She leans forward, resting her head in her hands. “Or worn sexy underwear or something. My underwear had hot dogs and hamburgers on it.”

“And for the actual boink…” Devi takes a deep breath, “If I could do it again, I totally would’ve moaned more! Reddit says guys like that. Maybe I messed with his confidence or something.”

“Devi, you don’t need to perform during sex to improve a boy’s confidence. Sex should be about something the two of you share, it shouldn’t be solely about him. What kind of incel reddit page were you looking at?”

“I was in deep, Doc. I was in deep.”

“That’s what she said,” Dr. Ryan says with a smirk.

Devi exhales with a faint smile, but the quip does very little to cheer her up.

“Listen Devi, this is not your fault. You can spend all day combing through the events of that night, picturing what you would’ve done differently and wishing things would change, but nothing you do is going to alter the actual outcome of the situation. What happened, happened. All you can do is learn from this, and focus on the future.”

Devi throws herself back, sinking into the cushions. “Okay.”

“You have your Senior Year, college applications, things you’ve been looking forward to for years,” Dr. Ryan says, trying to put a positive spin on things. “You have a bright future ahead of you. Now that is what your focus should be.”

Devi sighs, repeating that in her head over and over until she actually believes it.

“Ooh, this sconce is nice,” Dr. Ryan says, combing through her Anthropology catalog.

“Dr. Ryan, stop everything. I need you,” Devi says, barging into her office and immediately taking a seat on the couch.

“Um, we don't have a session for another hour, and I'm right in the middle of my lunch,” Dr. Ryan says, pointing at her In and Out.

“It... It couldn't wait, Doc. Ben's dating a bitch,” she says forcefully.

Dr. Ryan looks stunned, but puts her things down, preparing herself for the impromptu session. “Oh—Okay, let's get into it. Why do you care that Ben is dating a... girl you don't like?” she asks, carefully.

“Because Margot's horrible, and he deserves so much better. So I called her out in front of everyone,” Devi states in a matter of fact tone.

Dr. Ryan sighs. “Devi, you know it's okay if you still have feelings for Ben.”

“What? That's what you got from this?” she exclaims.

“I mean, what you two shared was something incredibly intimate, Devi, and then he abandoned you.”

“Uh... He didn't…,” Devi stutters as Dr. Ryan gives her a knowing look. “I don't... I don't have feelings for him.”

“You don't?”

“It's just... I know it's so obvious and pathetic to be that teen girl that has sеx with a guy once and gets attached. You know, like, ‘Get over it. He doesn't care about you.’ But I'm just so…”

“Hurt?” Dr. Ryan asks gently.

“Yes,” she says sadly, her expression breaking.

“Oh, baby,” Dr. Ryan says, getting up and sitting next to Devi on the couch.

“What is wrong with me? What would make Ben sleep with me and decide not to be with me?” she asks, close to tears.

“Hey, hey, there is nothing wrong with you,” Dr. Ryan says, moving Devi’s face towards her by putting her finger on her chin. “When I look at you, I see a smart, beautiful young lady. And I don't mean that feminist woo-woo 'every woman is beautiful' kind of thing. I mean real beauty. You're extraordinary, Devi.”

“I am?”

“You am. Why else would I keep seeing you? Girl, you drive me crazy,” Dr. Ryan jokes, making Devi chuckle.

“Thanks, Doc,” Devi says with a smile.

“Listen, it is okay to be mad at Ben. What he did to you was unkind. But what you're not allowed to do is lash out at this new girlfriend. Uh-uh. Okay?” she says, wagging her finger. “Women always wanna take something out on another woman when most of the time it's the man's fault.”

“Yeah, 'cause it's easier to be mad at women 'cause we know what sneaks we are,” Devi says, as Dr. Ryan looks away, exasperated.

“Dr. Ryan, I know you're right, but I'm still jealous as shit!”

“You know what I think would be more valuable?” Dr Ryan asks, as Devi shakes her head. “Venting. Mm-hmm. Let's write down all the mean things you wanna say about this girl, and we can get it out your system.”

Dr. Ryan points at Devi’s backpack. “Come on. Get your notebook out. What you got?”

Devi immediately takes out her pen and paper and starts writing angrily. "Enjoy my slоppy sеcоnds, you artsy hоe."

Devi looks up at Dr. Ryan waiting for her disapproval, but instead she encourages her to continue writing. “Uh... Okay. No, no, no, get it all out.”

“Now that you're on the path, you think you can be a grownup about this girl?” Dr. Ryan asks, giving Devi a dubious look.

“I do,” Devi nods confidently, sitting up straighter. “But it's gonna be a long list,” she admits.

Dr. Ryan’s eyes widen as Devi continues writing things that would be considered very unkind, but at least she’s getting it out of her system.

It’s not like Margot will ever see it.

Devi sits on the couch, fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater. The office is silent.

“So I know you’re probably tired of hearing me talk about Ben and his new skank…”

“Devi, what did we say about the name calling?”

“To just do it behind her back?” Devi asks, raising her eyebrows.

Dr. Ryan shoots her a look.

“Hey, don’t start,” Devi says, her annoyance rising. “Your plan totally backfired by the way! She read all of the things I said about her, and now Ben won’t talk to me.”

“What did he say?”

“Well, he said Margot asked him not to speak to me anymore,” Devi says sadly. “But it’s not like he’ll never talk to me ever again, right?”

Dr. Ryan looks at her with sympathy, shrugging her shoulders.

“Like, all I have to do is say Parks and Rec is better than The Office and he’ll have no choice but to rudely mansplain all the reasons why I’m incorrect.”

“Devi…”

“I know, I know. I can’t trick him into speaking to me. I should try to keep my distance.”

“I think some space would actually be good for you, Devi. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it will in the long run,” Dr. Ryan says.

Devi nods. “I mean, I get it. I do tend to mess up his relationships…”

“How so?”

“Well, I kissed him when he was with Shira so he broke up with her. Then I cheated on him, as you know. Then I inadvertently spread rumors about Aneesa cause I was jealous… So I haven’t exactly made his life easy.”

“That you haven’t,” Dr. Ryan says.

Devi gives her a look, but eventually nods, knowing she’s right.

“I understand why he’s doing this. I don’t like it, but I can respect it.”

“You can?”

“It’s not like I can force someone to love me or whatever,” Devi says, looking down at her feet. “If he wants to be with someone else, then I’m happy for him.”

“That’s very mature of you. It sounds like you’ve reached acceptance.”

“What?”

“You went through the stages of grief over this, Devi,” Dr. Ryan explains. “You went through anger, denial, bargaining, and depression, and now you’ve reached acceptance.”

“Right… Acceptance,” Devi sighs, knowing that while she may have accepted the situation, it doesn’t change how much it hurts.

She just really really wants her friend back.

“Devi?” Dr. Ryan asks, sensing a change in her expression.

Devi looks up, putting on a smile to show she’s moved on. “Thanks for always listening to me, Dr. Ryan. I feel a lot better.”

Dr. Ryan smiles warmly, nodding to let her know she’ll always be there to listen.

“Now all I have to do is get under the hot new bad boy who spray painted stupid bitch on my car. Your advice has worked wonders!” Devi says, standing up from the couch.

“Wait that’s not—”

Devi runs out the door, slamming it shut in the process.

“—What I was suggesting…”

Dr. Ryan sighs, knowing there is nothing good that will come of that, but that she’ll be there for Devi whenever it falls apart.

She leans back, trying her best to appreciate the silence while she still has it.

Chapter Text

Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch.

Ben stands alone in Devi’s room, swaying back and forth unintentionally. The music that was loudly playing in his head has quieted down, but his distorted vision hasn’t changed much, which is why Devi basically threw him into her room after Margot and her dad left their house.

He waits for her to come back, since she said she would, but it feels like hours ago, at this point. He sighs and checks his phone. It hasn’t even been a full minute since she left. He groans, hoping the effects of the drugs will wear off soon.

The bedroom door opens. Devi quickly slides in, then shuts the door, leaning against it. “Alright, I think my mom bought that. I told her you have pemmaphobia. You’re gonna have to act like you're scared of cakes from now until the end of time.”

“I think I am now. It winked at me!”

She laughs, shaking her head. She has a beautiful laugh. The sound replaces the odd music, and this time, he hopes it never goes away.

“So why did you come here in the first place?” Devi asks. “And you still haven’t told me the deal with the flowers.”

Ben gulps, realizing he’s going to have to quickly come up with a lie. He’s already not a great liar, and now that his neurons aren’t firing at the same speed they usually do, it’s going to be even harder. He quickly cobbles something together, as he’s been silently staring at her for some time now.

“Trent told me to come here. Said it was impolite that I never congratulated your grandmother on her engagement,” he says anxiously.

“How does Trent–”

“Eleanor.”

“Oh, right. Well, I’m sure she’ll like them,” she says, accepting this as fact. She tosses the bouquet on her desk, no longer caring about them since they’re not for her. A few flowers get smushed in the process, which alarms him since he picked them out specifically for her. He stumbles forward, waving his arms backward to try to stay upright.

“Oh my god, just sit down! I’ll put on a movie or something.”

“No, no movie,” he says, as she sits down anyway, pulling his arm so he has no choice but to sit on the ground across from her.

Devi feels around for the remote on the floor. “Uh, why? You're high as balls, dude! A movie is like the only anecdote.”

“Trent said no.”

She rolls her eyes. “Right. And Trent is known for his wisdom.”

“He knows more about weed than we do,” Ben says. The two of them are pretty clueless in that department.

“That is true. So, what does Trent do when he’s high?” she asks, leaning against her bed.

“He shares.”

“What, like show and tell?”

“No, we’re not five. Like thoughts and feelings and shit.”

“Of course he does. So what were you sharing?”

Shit. He shouldn't have mentioned the sharing. This conversation is heading towards dangerous territory.

“Uh, nothing,” he says quickly. “We were talking about nothing.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Nothing? You expect me to believe that?”

“I was hoping.”

She grabs a pillow off her bed and throws it at him. “Tell me!”

“Jesus!” he exclaims, unable to duck fast enough. The pillow hits him square in the face.

“Sorry,” she laughs, not sounding apologetic at all. “You should tell me, though. I have a bed full of pillows.”

“Fine. Dreams,” he sighs. She’s scary when she’s pushy.

“What kind of dreams?”

He inhales sharply. He’s sure she can hear it. He lets out the shaking breath then whispers, “…I can’t say.”

“Why?”

He shrugs, looking away, his neck beet red. “Cause.”

There’s a long silence, but he can still hear Devi breathing, so he knows he hasn’t completely disappeared from embarrassment. When he finally looks back up at her, he can see a devilish expression has taken over her face, as she’s made the realization he was hoping she wouldn’t make.

“Oh, shit. Ben Gross has sex dreams?” she says with a grin, clearly enjoying seeing him squirm.

“Why do you always talk about me in the third person?!?”

“Right. Sorry. My b.”

“And why is that so surprising, anyway? I’m a teenage boy.”

“Yeah, I know. You just don’t strike me as someone with a vivid imagination.”

“My imagination is very vivid! Case and point, winking cake!”

“Drugs made you see that! It doesn’t count.”

“Even so, you’re still wrong. My imagination is vivid as hell.”

She laughs. “I’m no stranger to… those kinds of dreams. I used to have them about Paxton all the time.”

Ben grins at that, glad the focus is no longer solely on him. “Of course you did. Do you still have them?”

“Hell no! It would be pathetic to have dreams about someone after you’ve already broken up.”

“Right. Pathetic. Totally,” he spits out, nodding robotically. It’s just blow after blow today… This is not panning out the way he thought it would. But at least he gets to spend time with her. He can’t remember the last time they hung out like this. There’s no one else that he’d rather be around, especially when he’s this out of it. Her presence is comforting.

“See, you get it,” she says, punching his shoulder. “Plus, they weren’t totally accurate. I had zero experience when I was having them.”

He laughs, rubbing his shoulder with his hand. “This I need to hear. How would they go?”

“I’m not telling you that, Gross,” she says, crossing her arms.

“We have to share! Those are the rules,” he exclaims, waving his arms around.

“I’m not even high! That shit doesn’t apply to me.”

“I always knew you were a cheater.”

She doesn’t take that accusation lightly. She raises her head, accepting the challenge. “You know what, I’ll tell you about mine if you tell me yours.”

He doesn’t want to tell her about his dream, he can’t ever tell, since it’s literally about her, but he’s not really able to think about anything other than the present right now. And at the moment, he really wants to hear her ridiculous dream.

Against his better judgment, he hears himself saying, “Deal.”

Devi takes a deep breath as she scoots closer to him. He wonders if this is how she shares gossip with Eleanor and Fabiola.

“Okay. So, usually he’d barge into my room and take off his shirt with one arm and tell me he was there to have sex with me. Then he’d kiss me, and tell me I looked sexy in an oversized t-shirt and that my hair smelled like dandruff shampoo.”

Ben guffaws. “Dandruff shampoo?!? And that was supposed to be sexy?”

“It was sexy! Being observant and detail oriented is a turn on. And so is not worrying if there is dandruff in my hair because my scalp has been saved by Head and Shoulders.”

Ben laughs uncontrollably, just picturing this ridiculous scenario.

“It’s not that funny!”

“It is! Was that the whole thing?”

She shakes her head. “And… he would say that I had the beauty of Priyanka Chopra with the intellect of Ruth Bader Ginsberg.”

He loses it, doubling over. He laughs so hard his stomach hurts. Maybe weed isn’t so bad. This story is a million times funnier thanks to the edible he’s on.

Devi joins him, giggling along. “Whatever. Now it’s your turn to embarrass yourself.”

Oh shit. He stops laughing, sitting rigidly upright. The part he didn’t fully think through is currently happening.

“Maybe I do want to watch a movie…” he squeaks out.

Devi kicks his knee with her foot. “You asshole! There’s no way I’m letting you bail on telling me this. I just made myself look like an idiot!”

“It wasn’t that bad,” he says, slightly giggling. He is acutely aware that her foot is still resting on his leg.

“Shut up. You’re basically contractually obligated to tell me your dream.”

“What are you gonna do, take me to dream court?”

“No, I’ll just go downstairs and tell my mom you’re zooted. She’d have a field day with you.”

“Fine! Fine. I’ll tell you,” he exclaims reluctantly, knowing the threat of her mom is a worse fate than death.

“Good. And I would so win that case, by the way.”

“Just… Don’t freak out.”

“Why would I freak out?”

He feels his neck heating up, more than it was before. His face too. He looks at her with a guilty expression, holding in his breath for longer than he should. He watches her, as she begins to understand.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” He exhales, looking down at the floor. “This was so stupid.”

After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, he looks back up at Devi. He’s not quite sure what she's thinking. He wishes she would just say something, put him out of his misery.

“It’s okay. I want to hear,” she says finally.

Ben takes a break from trying to find the closest window to jump out of, to process her statement. He shakes his head frantically. “No, you don’t understand. It’s about–“

“Yeah, I know dude. You’re not subtle. I just… want to hear anyway.”

His eyes widen as she looks at him with a curious but slightly nervous expression. He’s not sure what his expression looks like right now. He thinks his face might be melting, but that could just be because of the drugs.

“Um… Okay,” he says, taking a deep breath. He digs his fingers into his knee, speaking so quickly she might not even be able to make out what he’s saying. “The lighting was purpley, there were candles everywhere, and you had all these gems on your face. It looked like an episode of Euphoria, or something.”

“See! I knew you wanted Euphoria sex.”

“What?”

“Nothing! You can, uh, continue.”

He closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to face her for this next part. He can't believe he's actually doing this right now. “You were on my bed in this… um, provocative outfit, and then you made my shirt disappear and told me that you were so much better at school than me.”

She snorts. Ben opens his eyes, instantly meeting hers. “Then you… crawled over and sat on top of me, and told me to sit back and let you take charge. And that you know I like it better that way.”

Maybe he should’ve omitted that last part. The beginning probably would’ve been enough. But he’s not thinking clearly. A long silence passes as he waits for her to speak first.

“Woah. That actually sounds–”

He hangs his head low. “Like objectification. I know. I’m so sorry–”

Devi puts her hand up, interrupting him. “Dude, I’m not gonna try to cancel your subconscious. It’s fine. I was gonna say it sounds kinda… I don’t know. Hot, I guess.”

He blinks. He must have hallucinated that. His ears must be playing tricks on him too. Unless… unless she actually just said that to him. He’s not sure, based on her expression. She should be telling him he’s gross, and kicking him out of her room. But she’s not. She’s just… staring at him. With an emotion he can’t place.

She looks aways nervously, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Definitely don’t have the sexual prowess to be that confident, though. So your dream is also inaccurate.”

“You’ll get there,” he says softly.

Devi raises her eyebrows, her eyes wider than he’s ever seen them. Ben quickly realizes what he’s said, jumping to his feet.

“Fuck, I didn’t mean to say that. I’m so high. I was just thinking that, but I can’t seem to keep my thoughts in my head,” he says frantically, covering his face with his hands.

Devi’s voice softens, a bit of amusement in her tone. “You can’t keep your thoughts in your head?”

“Nope. I honestly think you could ask me anything right now and I’d probably tell you,” he rambles, lowering his hands back to his sides.

A mischievous grin appears on her face. “Really?”

He groans. “Shit, I shouldn’t have said that either.”

“Yeah. You shouldn't have. I could get so much blackmail material on you right now,” she laughs, grinning wide.

“Seriously, David? We’ve never resorted to blackmail. That’s how you’re going to get ahead?”

“No. I wouldn’t do that. But…”

“What? Did you want to ask me something?”

She nods.

“Maybe nothing too revealing. I’m at your mercy, here.”

“Why did you get high with Trent? Seems kind of unlike you,” she asks. Upon further thought she says, “Actually, you do love stoner bro TV shows, so maybe it’s not.”

“I just wanted to relax, I guess. I don’t really know how.”

“Do you feel relaxed?”

“I did a little, before the cake winked at me.”

She nods slowly, looking at him through squinty eyes.

“You look like you want to ask me something else,” he says immediately. If only he’d just keep his mouth shut, he’d stop making things worse for himself.

“I may have a few more questions.”

“Shoot,” he says. He’s in too deep to turn around now.

Devi pulls her knees closer to her body, looking up at him. He studies her expression, and it reminds him of the expression he gave her, that night at graduation, before she showed up with the coupon.

He can tell that this question isn’t going to be a softball like the first one. He sits down on the floor in front of her as she gets ready to ask.

“You and Margot still talk,” she says, dragging her finger against the carpet, back and forth repeatedly.

“Is that a question?”

She shoots him an annoyed look, but continues anyway. “Are you guys like talking, talking? Or just… talking.”

“David, I’m too high to decode what that means.”

She sighs, explicitly stating her point. “Will you get back together, you think? Like, do you want to?”

He’s not sure where this is going. He decides to be honest, shaking his head. “No. I was just kind of bummed with how things ended between us. I wanted to end on good terms before college.”

“Oh. That makes sense. Why’d you break up?”

“Well, I overheard something that she’d said, that our relationship wasn’t that serious. And then when I talked to her about it, she said I was tightly wound but she loved how dorky I was. I didn’t really want to be with someone that saw me that way, so I ended things.”

“What? That bitch,” Devi mutters under her breath.

“No, she’s not. She just didn’t really understand me that well.”

Devi nods, listening intently.

“But it was also more than that. I thought an easier relationship was what I wanted, but it’s not.”

“And what do you want?” she asks, and maybe he’s imagining it, but it seems like she’s moving closer to him.

“Something real,” he says, his gaze locked on hers.

They’ve always been able to communicate through looks and glances. She looks at him, dropping any walls she had put up to hide her emotions. She’s not hiding anything anymore.

“Um… So, the flowers. Were they really for Pati?” she asks, crawling closer to him on the carpet.

“No. No, they weren’t for Pati,” he says, watching every move she makes as if she’s moving in slow motion.

Her face moves closer, until he can feel her breath against his skin. “Margot?” she asks softly.

“No. They weren’t for Margot.”

Her hand moves to his neck, moving up until she cups his cheek. He lets his eyes close. If this is real, he’ll know in a few seconds. He waits, and to his surprise, it is. It really is.

She presses her lips against his, and it’s so much better than he remembered it being. They’ve kissed before, the first time they were dating, during their first hookup, but this feels different than all of those times.

He’s learning that things also feel better when you’re high. His entire body is vibrating as she kisses him. He runs his fingers through her hair, the feeling of it so soft he can’t believe it’s even real. He can’t believe she’s real.

He pulls her closer, arms wrapping around her waist. She sighs into his mouth as they continue their pace. It might just be the best sound he’s ever heard.

Everything is louder than it usually is too. It’s like he can hear every movement she makes, almost like he can feel it in his bones. It’s addicting.

She pulls him impossibly closer, he’s not even sure he’s remembering to breathe. Or if he even cares to. He’d rather just share her breath for all of eternity.

The door opens abruptly, a voice booming through the room. “I don’t know how Kamala did it, but she was able to salvage some of the cake, if–”

Devi and Ben shoot apart, immediately standing up. Nalini stands at the door in shock.

“What is this!?! This is why the door STAYS OPEN!” Nalani shouts, waving the paper plate in her hands.

They all watch as the piece of cake goes flying across the room. Ben yells, the cake hitting his designer shoes.

“Look what you just made me do!” she continues shouting. “Now this boy will never get over his fear of cake!”

Devi rushes over to her mom. Ben backs up, bumping into her bed and almost toppling over. He tries to look for something to clean up the cake, but comes up empty.

‘I’m sorry!” Devi pleads.

Nalini grabs her by the shoulder, scolding her. “What is your excuse for kissing him this time, huh? So overcome with grief? Spreading another family member’s ashes?” Nalini frantically looks around the room. “Someone check on Pati!”

“God, Pati is fine! Stop freaking out!”

“I think it’s time for Benjamin to go HOME.”

Ben nods, stumbling towards her. “Right. Okay. I’m so sorry, Dr. Vishwakumar.”

Nalini shakes her head, gesturing to Ben. “I’ll take you home. Now.”

“Just let me say goodbye!” Devi says, grabbing his arm.

“Fine,” Nalini says with her arms crossed. Devi looks at her, waiting until she leaves. Instead, Nalini stays in the room, watching them sternly.

Devi looks back at Ben, sheepishly. “Right. I guess I’ll see you around?”

He nods, unable to stop himself from grinning ear to ear. She begins to grin too, just as her mom whacks her on the back of the head.

“Enough with the love sick puppy looks! It’s time to go!”

The door shuts. Ben smiles to himself as he follows Nalani to the garage.

The car ride back is uncomfortable to say the least, but he doesn’t care. Maybe the universe is glitching, and everything will go back to normal once the edible wears off, but the text from Devi makes him think otherwise. Things finally make sense, and he can’t wait for the rest of his life to begin.