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Lila sighed, and her breath came out in puffs.
It was a cold night, probably the coldest ever since they left Tanek, and she couldn’t sleep. She didn’t even want to get warmer with magic. Shrugging herself deeper into her coat, she gazed at the dock where they moored a day prior. Her gaze longed to see activity, an immediate way to distract her thoughts, but to no avail. This could be the quietest or the busiest moment at a harbor, and regrettably for Lila, this place preferred to be asleep at night, its people safely tucked into their beds. As I should, probably, she thought, and managed a mocking smile.
Lila knew she should probably head downstairs to her quarters, and try to sleep it off. To forget for a few hours about it all. About his pain, his suffering – If it wasn’t this late, she could have had a few drinks by herself. But if the docks were empty of souls, what luck could she have to find a tavern that still accepted customers? What a bore.
She knew that she needed movement. She could have roamed the entirety of the ship and waited for tiredness to come, but she didn’t want to wake the crew, nor Kell. She hadn’t heard him at all when she passed his cabin, and she was confident he was sleeping.
She needed to go. Benefit from the drowsiness of her traveling companions and draw herself away from the stillness of the ship. At least for the night.
God, I can’t wait to set out to sea tomorrow morning, she thought. She didn’t like being stuck in the same place for long, especially when it was unfruitful. The only way to cope with the urge to change the setting was to take a break from everything for a few minutes, or hours.
She was by herself on the prow of her ship, but it wasn’t enough. The crew was still below deck. He was still below deck, within reach. On another day, she would have climbed into bed with him and let him hold her. That night, however, she felt like she needed space to run from her thoughts about him, so she ran into the night, and it welcomed her with open arms.
There was something so calming yet so eerie about a city drowned in sleep. The lack of noise helped to think and to relax, or to hear a thief’s footsteps more clearly. It was also a foe. As Lila walked through the silent streets, she tried not to let it bother her. She watched the closed stalls and the dark houses and she began to imagine who must be living there, and what they did for a living. How did they solve their mundane problems?
She felt like a ghost haunting the town, the chill of winter seemed to engulf the city differently from the ship, because the buildings were a shield, she supposed. They felt homely, while the dock was open to the cold wind. Lila felt a little warmer within the narrow alleys. For a while, it seemed like the change of setting was helping dull her mind. Her own fantasy about who roamed these streets during the day was a ploy to divert her attention, until it wasn’t anymore.
She felt the tears before she realized she was crying. They left a trail of iciness on her face, which jolted her back to the issue, back to reality, back to the thing she was running from. Back to – she stopped in her tracks and listened. Breathed in the air of the small port city, and what hit her nostrils wasn’t the crisp tang of winter, a signal of void and absence.
The night smelled like flowers, and Lila closed her eyes and heaved a sigh, inhaling the familiar scent, letting it engulf her bones, but she kept walking as if it was nothing.
It didn’t last long, though, and soon, she stopped again. The tears still ran freely onto her cheeks, and she sucked in a breath trying to get a grip on herself. Tried to hide the evidence before her mood would be known to the world. To him .
Lila told herself to keep walking, to pretend. The city might be tiny, but there were still so many paths to explore. Like there were many unexplored places where they could find a cure.
She decided to ignore the scent, but how could she?
It was all over her, grazing parts of herself she thought were long sealed and dead. That gracious smell found ways to slip into her, it made her believe that she wasn’t alone, and that she was worth loving. That she was loved. It clung to her skin and to her clothes. It ignored the thorns that she had tended for years, it ripped them apart. Let new blossoms of different colors bloom inside of her. It gave her a new reason to live, and to die for. Her flower boy.
Right now, she knew that she was dying for him to be alright, and it ripped her apart. Yet, he was one of the few reasons to keep trying. To resist. To stop running. To open up. Yet, the first thing she said to him was: “I can handle myself.”
She heard a soft chuckle behind her, but she did not turn. “Trust me, I know.”
“Then why are you here?” she blurted out, flinching. Not because of the cold. She knew she was bracing for his answer. Afraid, she realized with time, that he would say something that would make her love him even more. Loving someone was a desperate business, and it hurt tenfold compared to a knife fight. “I can handle myself,” she repeated, trying not to stutter.
Steps. He advanced and got close to her. She could feel his breath on her neck, stronger now that he was right behind her. It instantly calmed her down, made her feel less lonely. She didn’t move.
“You didn’t return to your cabin and I was worried,” he whispered, his voice genuinely concerned.
“So you followed me,” she rasped, but it came out weak. “As you can see, I’m all in one piece. You can go back to the ship.”
“Lila, don’t,” he pleaded, and she wasn’t sure if he meant ‘I don’t want to go back’ or ‘don’t lie’.
“What else is there?” she wondered, clenching her hands instinctively. A way to prepare for the blow, whatever that was. Damn, she was so stupid.
“You’re in a mood,” he said.
“I’m in a mood,” she echoed, without agreeing or disagreeing. “So you followed me to quell my anger, that’s it? Well, for your information, there’s nothing you can do about it,” she seethed, while inside of her she screamed to herself: Lies. Lies. You’re lying, Lila. Lies.
“Would you stop?” he inquired, and turned her body toward his. Now they were facing each other, and Lila couldn’t help but gaze up at him, even if it meant that he would see . He opened his mouth slightly, newfound concern and fondness glinting in his mismatched eyes. He wiped away her tears with his thumbs, and his fingers were warm. “Lila,” he whispered lovingly, embracing her without asking for answers. And she let him.
Even his body was unlikely warm in the freezing night, but it was probably because of his magical coat. She envied him for it at times, but she would never trade the coat if it meant losing Kell’s warmth. And right now, he was like fire lighting her match.
He didn’t say anything, but his doting affection and care, his muscular arms cradling her head and her back, the way he made her feel protected even though she knew how to take care of herself – they told her everything she needed to know. So she leaned into him, letting the tears come freely. Letting him, the center of her thoughts, console her. Because he was also the cure.
“I’m preoccupied,” she said later, when they were returning to the ship, holding each other’s hands. And angry and powerless , she wanted to add, but that was clear.
Kell nodded. “What for?” he asked quietly, and this time she felt like sharing her thoughts.
She bit her lip. “You,” she confessed, and he sighed.
“You shouldn’t,” he answered quickly, offering her a smile. But it didn’t reach his eyes, and Lila had learned how to read him. Sometimes, they were so alike. “I probably just need to rest my magic for a while,” he added somberly. “I’m sure it will come back soon.”
“What if it doesn’t,” she voiced her thoughts. “What if you need someone’s help?”
“I doubt someone can help my case, if not myself,” he said, eyes glancing at the road before them. They almost reached the docks.
Lila rolled her eyes. In this too, they mirrored each other. “Kell,” she squeezed his hand, and he turned to her. “What if we find somebody who can help you?”
“I said, there’s no –”
“Don’t be stubborn,” she halted. “This world is a big place, and we still haven’t seen everything. There must be someone or something out there that can fix your magic. And I’m not stopping until I find them.”
“Don’t waste your time on something so trivial,” Kell replied, and kept walking, but she was sure she had hit a nerve and he was trying to pretend not to be bothered by this issue.
“Trivial?” God, she wanted to punch him in the guts. Idiot . “I wish I could fix you with my magic,” she whispered, reaching him.
She took his hand again, and he kissed her knuckles. Sometimes she forgot he was also a prince. The gesture made her blush, and she could tell it was his way to shut the argument. He was done talking about it because she knew it hurt him, and he probably didn’t want to make it her problem. But she couldn’t look away.
I care about you, idiot, she wanted to tell him. And it pains me to see you suffer like this. I wish I knew how to help you.
Give it to Kell for being stubborn. Then again, wasn’t she equally stubborn for wanting to find a way to fix his magic even if he was convinced that they didn’t need to? Wasn’t that also a form of head-headedness? Probably.
Unlike him, who seemed to have already accepted his fate without question, Lila would not go down without a fight. She would not give up the search for whatever could fix Kell. They had a world to explore, and the whole time in the world to do it. And they had each other. She would not give up on him.
When they finally reached the docks, it was dawn, and sailors were bustling about with boxes and other things. They stopped in front of her ship, but Lila stopped Kell before he could go aboard and gave him a heated kiss.
“What was that for?” he asked, breathless and red-faced.
“For luck,” she whispered with a smirk. Not that we need it , she added in her mind, and she wondered if he had caught the reference. If he remembered.
Kell smiled in acknowledgement, and stretched out his arm. “After you.”
Lila giggled softly, and dragged him aboard, his flower scent enveloping the ship with the smell of home and hope.