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Tony sighed as the skies opened up over him. It started with a deep rumble of thunder as the raindrops steadily began to fall. He hardly reacted as the rain began to speckle the sidewalk in front of him to turn it a darker gray. A few cold drops struck the back of his neck and he couldn’t suppress a shiver as the rain began to fall more heavily all around him. His eyes squinted as his hair plastered against his neck and forehead, moisture trickling down the sides of his face. He ran a hand over his eyes to clear them as it began pour so hard that Tony could hardly see a hand in front of his face.
A shiver racked his spine as his suit began to stick to his skin. It was far from comfortable, yet as he rocked from one foot to the other, he couldn’t find it in himself to care. His head tipped back as he stared at the darkening clouds, a few raindrops landing in his eye. He shook his head stubbornly to clear it, shoulders dropping as a long sigh traveled through his body. As cold and jarring as it was, it was grounding in the same way.
“What the hell, DiNozzo?!”
Tony winced as his head snapped around to see his Boss, alit with fury, heading straight for him. There was no coffee cup in his hand, and for it being as late as it was with a killer still on the loose was pretty abnormal for him. The rage in his eyes was unmistakable and part of Tony wanted to start towards the parking lot and try to outrun him. That idea was short lived as even in his older age, Gibbs was surprisingly swift for his age and would eventually be able to match pace with him in little to no time.
“Boss,” Tony began as he took a step deeper into the pouring ran.
“What do you think you’re doing,” Gibbs seethed, lips peeled back in a snarl. “And without a coat on? You’ll catch your death if you stay out like that.”
“And would that really be the worst thing?”
Gibbs stopped dead just shy of leaving the overhang, expression furious. It took him a moment to really absorb what Tony had just said. He was used to the sarcasm that the younger agent possessed, but downright self deprecation wasn’t one of them.
“Like, seriously, what is the point of all this?”
“The point? We do our jobs, DiNozzo. That is the point.”
Tony rolled his eyes and threw his arms into the air, moisture falling from the edges of his sleeves. “And do we really? Because they end up dying anyway…..or we do. So, what is the fucking point?!”
“DiNozzo.”
“No, no!” Tony took a step forward and pointed a finger at Gibbs’s chest. “Don’t you use the disappointed father tone with me, not now!” He suddenly realized what he had done and took a frightened step back in case Gibbs’s retaliated—not the expected that he would. He slunk back into the rain and narrowed his eyes in hatred. “Death just follows us anyway. If we wouldn’t have gotten involved, the lieutenant would still be alive.”
“She knew that was a risk to take when she spoke to us,” Gibbs argued with surprising patience in his voice. “Thanks to her, no one else died. Sergeant Marret was stopped. We did our jobs.”
“And people still died!”
“We are not here to prevent everything. You know that’s not what law enforcement of any kind does. We do our best,” Gibbs pressed.
“Yeah, and what if it’s not good enough? Like not even damn close?” Tears shone in Tony’s eyes as his tongue wet his bottom lip. His jaw was tensed as he opened his mouth to speak, the rage building within in making it almost impossible to speak. “We may delay it, but death seems to always win. And the only thing that we can hope for is that we don’t end up dead in the process.”
Realization dawned on Gibbs like a religious awakening. He eyed Tony with a newfound understanding, to which he could tell his younger agent absolutely loathed. “Is this about Kate?”
Tony’s tear filled eyes flashed. “You don’t even remember what day it is, do you?”
“I….” Gibbs wracked his brain, and although it only took him a moment, he still felt the betrayal that Tony felt he was experiencing. “It’s the anniversary of her death.”
Tony pulled his head back into the violent stream of rain. It disguised the tears that were now running down his cheeks. His throat felt full and any words he even tried to speak, felt like it would come out a violent sob. The amount of pain and anger that rumbled through him was unfathomable and Tony felt like if he didn’t release it, he may just explode.
“And she died for what? For that?!” Tony let out a feeble gasp. “She died and then Ari died…..and all for what? More death!”
“We can’t control what other people do. It’s our job to give them a voice and solve these crimes so that the rightful perpetrators pay for what they’ve done. It’s the job.”
Tony shook his head. He couldn’t possible believe that, not now, not ever. It couldn’t be that simple. Sure, it was a job, but there were real people’s lives that had been effected and had changed forever. One couldn’t see that everyday, day in and day out without it doing something to them. Tony hadn’t thought that it had bothered him so deeply, yet now that he had gotten that thought stuck in his head, he couldn’t even begin to try and dislodge it.
“Yeah? That what you really think?” Tony crept closer to Gibbs. The courage he had from that whole flask of whisky he downed was beginning to burn in his stomach.
Gibbs stood his ground as always, head lifted, chin set in determination, and shoulders forced back. “You know that I do.”
Tony nodded absentmindedly. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked from his heels to the balls of his feet in turn. “And….would you be able to look your family in the face and tell them what you’ve done and think they would be proud? Would Shannon still love you after what you’ve done?”
Before he could stop himself, Gibbs instantly retaliated. He swung his fist and punched Tony square in the jaw. The younger man stumbled at first before falling back into the grass, grunting as Gibbs was on top of him, holding him with his forearm pressed against Tony’s throat. Tony attempted to wriggle free, but Gibbs’s weight made that impossible to force him off. The Marine leaned down, mouth mere millimeters from Tony’s ear.
“Never speak of my family again.” With that, Gibbs lifted Tony by the shoulders only to shove him down hard. Tony’s head reverberated off the grass as Gibbs pulled himself off his agent. He shook the rain from his eyes, hair sticking to his forehead. He felt nothing but hatred for the man he nearly considered a son as he walked back towards the front door of NCIS headquarters. “And don’t even think about coming in again. You’re done!”
Tony let out a harsh laugh as he laid back in the sopping wet grass, mud caking the bottom cuffs of his pants. He didn’t have the strength nor desire to move, instead could only breathe heavily as rain pelted down on him and soaked him to the bone.
“You can’t hide forever inside those walls! One day you’re going to have to face the truth!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gibbs suddenly felt hands grip his shoulders tight and shake him, screaming his name urgently. He fought it with all his might, head shaking from side to side and eyes closed tightly.
“Gibbs? Gibbs? Jethro!”
Suddenly, Gibbs’s eyes peeled open as he took in a deep breath. It burned through his chest, like that of hot acid being poured down his entire respiratory tract. A harsh cough seared through him as he twisted his head to the side and forced his exhausted eyes open. There he saw the familiar face of Dr. Mallard, concern shinning in his gaze. He used all his strength to hold Gibbs steady, even with Gibbs being as strong as he was.
“Jethro, listen to me,” Ducky continued when Gibbs finally began to calm and no longer thrashed around on the bed. “I need you to calm down. Take a few deep breaths.”
Gibbs attempted to do as Ducky asked until the need to cough practically overwhelmed him. He was left gasping and sputtering off to the side, fist lifted to his mouth in an attempt to contain the coughs. He couldn’t remember feeling this rundown ever, and combined with the body aches and general crappiness, all Gibbs wanted to do was go back to sleep and forget this was even happening.
The hand that was on his shoulder came to rest on his forehead, the familiar voice of Ducky sounding in his ear. “Still warmer than I’d like. I say it’s time for another dose.”
Another dose? Hadn’t he just had one before he fell asleep? That couldn’t have been over twelve hours ago, could it?
Ducky saw the worry on Gibbs’s face and smiled comfortingly. “Not to worry, this is just precautionary. I have a feeling that this will be the last fever spike we deal with.”
“Fever spike,” Gibbs repeated. He wheezed with the ragged inhale, phlegm crackling in the back of his throat. Crinkles begin to form in the corner of both eyes when he squinted, tightness like a vice around his lungs. “Hmmm, Ducky.”
Ducky rested a hand firmly on Gibbs’s chest. “Easy there, my friend. We don’t need you working yourself up. You’ve been through enough as it is.”
Gibbs rolled his head to the otherside of the pillow, breathing noisily. “T-Tony. Where’s DiNozzo?”
“Oh, I’ll bet he’s at home….entertaining right about now.” Ducky picked up a bottle of room temperature water and helped hand it over to Gibbs. Gibbs turned his head enough to take the bottle on his own and take a few timid sips in case his throat rebelled. “It is almost eleven o’clock at night.”
How could it possibly be that late? The last things Gibbs remembered was two a.m. the morning prior?
“You’ve been quite ill,” Ducky reminded him. “I’m hoping it’s just a case of a bad flu, though if you aren’t feeling any improvement by Monday, I may need a second opinion.”
Gibbs waved him off as he handed the bottle back over. The liquid had wet his tired throat just enough that speaking wasn’t sheer agony, though there was no telling exactly how long that would last. He tried not to speak as he looked around the room at his familiar surroundings until Ducky held a chalky white pill in the center of his line of vision. Gibbs took it albeit reluctantly and swallowed it dry, wincing as the pill momentarily became lodged in his esophagus until he swallowed harshly three more times to dislodge it.
“Really, Jethro? The water is right here.” Ducky handed it over, and although Gibbs took a sip, it didn’t do anything to wash down the pill. When Gibbs handed it back, Ducky muttered something about stubbornness under his breath before pulling up his chair closer to the edge of the bed. “Why don’t you try to get some more sleep?”
“All I’ve been doing is sleeping, Duck.”
“Yes, well, that is one of the best ways to allow your body to rid itself of an illness. Did you know that once leeches were thought to cleanse the body and were used regularly? Although, of course anemia was also present quite frequently then as well. Such as when—“
“Can we maybe skip the stories for today,” Gibbs interrupted as he closed his eyes tightly once more.
Ducky dipped his head. “Of course. Whatever you need. However, I would like to ask you about that nightmare you seemed to be having. It caused you quite some distress.”
Honestly, the last thing that Gibbs wanted to talk about was the nightmare as he wasn’t fully aware what had transpired. He remembered bits and pieces, the feeling of punching DiNozzo and the pain on the younger agent’s face. That was something he never wanted to see again, and although it had been a dream, Gibbs wasn’t ready to know whether or not Tony’s feelings on the matter was realistic or not.
He could still remember the day that they lost Kate. He could recall the look on Tony’s and Tim’s faces, their grief and horror all rolled into one. It had taken each of them in their own times to be able to go forward with their lives, and Gibbs knew that Tony had perhaps taken it the hardest. They hadn’t talked about it, not really, not even when Tony came over on all those late nights to talk to Gibbs while the older man worked on his boat. No, it was still reserved for mostly light talk or philosophical questions; Kate’s name never came up, not even once.
Now Gibbs wished he had brought it up.
“Does this have anything to do with our dear Anthony?”
“Why should it?” There was ice in Gibbs’s voice as he coughed into the back of his hand.
Ducky shrugged. “Well, you were saying his name in your sleep. I just supposed that was what you were dreaming about.”
Gibbs felt a shudder trail through his body. His jaw clenched as he forced himself to look away from Ducky, fearing if the two made eye contact then Gibbs would feel the need to be honest. Ducky was the only person that happened with anymore, and although that made him a great accountability partner, it didn’t help when there was some information that Gibbs would rather keep to himself.
Knowing that he wasn’t about to get anything else out of the seasoned agent, Ducky rested his hands on his knees as he made to stand. “Well, I’m going to take a shower if you don’t mind. Give you some breathing room so to speak.”
The sound of footsteps padding away from the bed allowed Gibbs to look back in Ducky’s direction. There was a million things he could’ve said, asked, or even explained. Yet, he couldn’t manage any of it, and when Ducky finally headed out of the room, Gibbs was left to realize just how alone he had come to be.