Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Six months.

Six months of fear and guilt Shadow never thought he’d allow himself to feel again.

A few months before Eggman’s attack that famously brought down Sonic The Hedgehog, Sonic and Shadow had developed what could be called a situationship. They were together, but they weren’t. They would hold hands some days, try to kill each other sparring other days. They had movie nights with heads on shoulders and stolen glances during battles. They went on dates, but it wasn’t serious yet. At least that’s what Shadow thought Sonic was thinking. He didn’t get a chance to ask.

Shadow had planned a race and picnic to tell Sonic that he wanted to make things serious. He felt pathetic for being nervous about it. He spent days rehearsing what he would say, how he would say it, ruminating on the thousands of scenarios that could possibly happen. He was probably missing some considering he was planning for the unplannable with Sonic, but he tried his best regardless.

He was being flooded with tearful declarations of Sonic’s death before he was able to say a word.

Shadow fell into despair. He should have known. A creature like him wasn’t deserving of love. The universe had made that clear yet again. 

The day everything changed, there was a knock at his door. His room was a disaster. The room he and Sonic should have shared. Gone was Shadow the neat freak, in his place was what seemed like a nesting animal. He had spent the day under his covers, blocking out the world and its cruelties. He remained silent, hoping the visitor would be smart enough to know to walk away. 

“Shadow, I’m coming in. Hope you’re decent.” Rouge’s voice bled through the wood of his door. He had gloves on, but even if he didn’t, it’s nothing Rouge hadn’t seen before. They lived together for years.

She walked in and shut the door behind her, eyes taking in the Ultimate Lifeform looking the most pathetic she’d ever seen him. “I need to tell you something.”

“I do not care,” Shadow simply replied, focused on something on the wall.

“Oh, trust me, you want to hear this. Sonic is alive.”

Crimson eyes locked on her and he immediately sat up, his struggle apparent. “What did you say?”

Rouge gave a half smile. “Your Blue is alive, hon.”

“Please, don’t do this to me.”

Rouge walked over and sat at the foot of his bed, the bounce of her weight dropping on his mattress making him feel dizzy. His fists gripped the sheets, anchoring to something real in the room. This had to be a dream. “They already sent out a rescue team. He’s coming back, Shadow. He’s going to be okay.”

The next thing he knew, he was standing outside the room where Sonic would be treated, a panel of glass making the wall they stood outside of. The Resistance mostly used it for decontamination, but that day they used it as an impromptu trauma bay. Multiple nurses rushed around the room getting things ready. Shadow recognized everything they picked up and moved from one place to another, trying to make reaching for the IV kits and bandages more convenient. 

The pain in his limbs started, the memory of losing them to the scientists of fifty years ago never leaving him fully, especially not in medical settings. He tried to keep the flashbacks at bay and focus on the present. Now was not the time for the walls of the ARK to be seen behind his eyelids. This was about Sonic.

Eventually, Knuckles and Amy walked around the corner as Sonic was wheeled on a stretcher into the glass room. Shadow felt a mixture of shock and rage. Sonic was so thin his ribs could be seen under his skin, his fur was tinted dark red with dried blood. His quills were blunted, and his eyes opened and closed sluggishly, like he was trying to stay conscious. That fucking doctor would pay. The minute Shadow got his hands on that motherfucker he would regret every second of pain he caused Sonic.

He had to look away. The anger was gnawing at his insides, combined with heartbreak and regret. If all of this had never happened, they probably would have continued without him ever telling Sonic how he truly felt.

All of his emotions hit him like a bus. Like a sack of broken bones, he stumbled backwards into the closest wall sinking down, still facing the room but being unable to look through the glass. He held his head in his hands. He couldn’t face his cowardice head on. Sonic could have died without him ever knowing. 

His head was tucked in his knees for so long, battling a barrage of feeling. His breath shook and his fingers and toes tingled as he fought back the tears that kept threatening escape. No. This wasn’t about him. This was about Sonic. 

That’s right. It was always about Sonic. From the moment they met it was always about Sonic. Something in the back of his mind always drew him to his blue rival, whether that be his obnoxious optimism or something as simple as brilliant green eyes, he didn’t know, but Shadow never disliked Sonic. He appreciated the challenge, the bickering, he liked that someone could keep up with him in every aspect. If he was pissed off he could take off into the woods, and chances were, Sonic would find him and start to race him, or spar. It started to make Shadow feel like he wasn’t just trudging through life anymore—instead he was living. The green Chaos Emerald started to remind him of green eyes, and the smell of pine and fallen leaves started to become comforting.

Somewhere along the way, Shadow fell in love with living again. He fell in love with Sonic.

And here he was, beating himself up because Sonic almost died, and he never got to tell him. 

Soon, Sonic was wheeled off to another room. Tails had a vice grip on his hand as if he would float away if he let go. Shadow vaguely heard Knuckles tell Rouge that he and Amy were going with him. They wanted to grab some of Sonic’s things for his room.

Rouge made her way over to Shadow’s side and sat down next to him so their shoulders were touching, his fur brushing against her thin wing.

The contact he felt he didn’t deserve but also desperately needed.

Rouge’s shoulder was eventually soaked with Shadow’s tears, the shame that he felt for his lack of dignity nowhere near as intense as the regret that threatened to overtake his heart.

Chapter Text

Six months. 

Six months of anguish, of being beaten multiple times a day, of being starved, of Infinite screwing with his sense of reality, left Sonic without any dignity left. Six months of physical and mental torture would have broken down anyone else on day one. 

The Death Egg was cold. Metal walls that echoed and gave the feeling of living inside a soda can. The bench he slept on was hard and unforgiving on his injuries, some old and unhealed, and some brand new. 

While Eggman never took a particular liking to Sonic, ever since the day he came into his custody, the doctor seemed to relish mocking and humiliating him before beating him to a pulp. Sonic would mock him back at first, thrashing and refusing to give up, but after a few months, he stopped fighting back. He seemed to lose hope, which only made Eggman more thrilled. 

He spent a lot of time in his soda can cell trying to discern the illusions from reality. He realized fairly quickly that any time he saw Shadow, he was an illusion. Phantom Copy Shadow had a rigid posture, cold crimson eyes that only held hatred, and a mocking tone that the real Shadow never used with Sonic anymore.

A situationship does that to someone.

He couldn’t call Shadow his friend, or his rival, or even his boyfriend yet either, so he just was. And Sonic was okay with that, but there were so many things left unsaid that it brought on this sense of guilt that Infinite happily fed into whenever he could. The true reason for that guilt was unknown to Infinite, so Phantom Copy Shadow would say things like, “I always knew you weren’t strong enough” and other taunting insults. 

The day Sonic busted out of his soda can prison, he was surprised he had the energy to fight. Once he was finally aboard the shuttle, he collapsed from exhaustion and starvation. He was wheeled into a big room with some Mobians he recognized and some he didn’t. Barely conscious, he had to work to pick out much of anything, his reality being toyed with again, this time his own doing. They did the standard tests, shining a light in his eyes and asking him to follow it, asking him questions.

“What’s your name, hon,” an orange cat, the nurse, asked him, obviously caring more about checking a box than Sonic’s actual well-being.

Sonic swallowed harshly. “Sonic the Hedgehog.”

“Do you know where you are right now?”

Sonic then looked around, eyes heavy. “Uh, not really.”

The nurse didn’t seem to have any reaction to that answer, instead gesturing to Sonic’s feet. Tails moved to her side, eyes bloodshot and ears pricked down, obviously having been crying.

“Do you know who this is?”

Sonic blinked. In the time it took Tails to arrive at his side, he’d almost fallen asleep. “Tails? Buddy?”

“Yeah! Sonic, hi!” Tails grabbed his hand, nearly shoving the nurse and her stupid clipboard. “We were so worried! I can’t believe you’re here, and you’re okay! Well, you’re gonna be okay. Amy and Knuckles are outside. They want to give you some time to acclimate on your own before everyone charges in to say hello. Is that okay?”

Tails’s fast pace sentences nearly made him dizzy. “Sure, bud, whatever you guys want. Just do me a favor? Don’t leave me alone.” Sonic’s eyes started to drift closed again. 

“Yeah, of course, Sonic…”

That was the last thing Sonic heard before darkness fell.

-

He had to lay in bed for a few days and that only made Sonic restless. He hadn’t had a run in six months. That was all he wanted, but his goddamn legs didn’t work and could barely hold him upright. So he had to wait for his muscle mass to return at least enough to be able to walk. 

He longed for the feel of the wind, the smell of fallen leaves and dew on the grass. He would even be okay running in the rain or the snow! He just so desperately wanted to be outside.

The first day, Tails never left his side. He sat with Sonic until he woke up asking for a drink of water, and continued to stay through the night. The second day, Knuckles and Rouge poked their heads in, Knuckles patting Sonic on his bony shoulder and Rouge giving him a light hug, both telling him they missed him, and they were glad he was okay. Knuckles and Tails got called to a meeting, so that left Sonic and Rouge.

The bat took a seat in the chair Tails had been sitting in, lightly rubbing Sonic’s gloved hand. He was thankful the infirmary supplied temporary gloves. He was tired of others taking away his dignity.

Sonic tried to get some moisture in his incredibly dry throat as he swallowed and asked, “Where’s Shadow?”

Rouge looked at him as if she didn’t expect him to ask about Shadow at all. “He’s here. He’s been pacing around the damn hallway the last couple days.”

“Why hasn’t he come in?”

Rouge gave him a tired smile. “I think he wanted you to have the time that you needed with your friends.”

Sonic suddenly found his hand not being held by Rouge very interesting as he picked at the hospital blanket. “Oh,” was his reply.

Rouge looked at the door before standing up to sit on the edge of his bed and lightly moving her hand that was joined with Sonic’s, gesturing for his attention. Green eyes met her blue ones.

“Okay, Blue. I’m not supposed to be telling you this, so if you tell him, I swear to Chaos . When they brought you in, Shadow and I were outside of that room where they were asking you questions. Do you remember that?”

“I remember the room a little, but I don’t remember seeing you.”

“That’s because we were outside, hon. Anyway, we were standing there waiting, and when they moved you to this room, Amy and Knuckles went with you and Tails to help get things organized for you as best they could. We watched you go, I figured Shadow needed a minute. When I turned to ask him if he was okay, Sonic, I’m telling you, I have never seen Shadow look so broken. That boy really loves you, whether he’s admitted it to you or himself or not. I shouldn’t be the one telling you this, but I needed you to know just in case you have doubts that he missed you. This ate him alive.”

Sonic looked at her dumbfounded, trying to get his brain to catch up to what Rouge had just said. 

“I…I knew that. I think,” Sonic started, meeting Rouge’s confused face. “When Infinite would make the hallucinations, illusions, whatever they were, he would use Shadow a lot. But the thing is, his Shadow was always so angry and mean, because that’s the only way Infinite has ever known him to be. The way copy Shadow would look at me sometimes, the real Shadow never looked at me like that. Even when we were enemies, he never looked at me like that. Which is how I figured out it was an illusion. And I also suspected he had real feelings for me for the same reason, but I didn’t wanna assume.”

The bat looked at him with a blank expression. “I seem to forget that you two are more in tune with each other than you let on.”

Sonic chuckled and kept his eyes on his and Rouge’s joined hands. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“Oh, don’t be. None of this was your fault. We’re all just so glad you’re okay.”

He responded with a tired smile. The bat let go of his hand and stood. “I have to go. I’ll let Shadow know you’d like to see him.”

“Thanks, Rouge.”

“Don’t mention it, babe. I look forward to seeing you back on your feet and kicking some robot ass.” She smirked as she started to close the door behind her.

“Ha! You and me both,” Sonic chuckled. 

For the first time since solitary confinement, Sonic was once again alone. Before, being alone never bothered him all that much. He would go wherever the wind took him, taking on hundreds of enemies by himself, and never batted an eye. However, his imprisonment seemed to make him…needy. He suddenly craved company. Tails needed to rest, but Sonic was so tempted to call him to his room just so he wouldn’t have to be alone with his memories of the last six months. 

He would be hard-pressed to admit it, but his torture haunted his dreams. It seemed like every time he closed his eyes he felt another bone break. 

Sonic was startled by a knock at the door. Thank Chaos. 

“Yeah?”

The door slowly opened to reveal his disheveled…rival? Boyfriend? Sonic still didn’t know. What he did know was Shadow looked terrible . His eyes were downcast, quills messy, limbs seemingly carrying heavy weights as he pulled the door shut behind him.

“Hey! Dude, you look like hell. I’d think you were the one locked up for half a year!”

Shadow didn’t respond. Didn’t even look at him. Almost robotically, he stepped toward Sonic’s bed and slowly sat down in the exact spot where Rouge had been sitting. That’s when Sonic noticed tear tracks that stained tan fur.

“Shads?”

Silence filled the room, the air between them feeling impossibly thick and making it hard to breathe.

“I love you,” he whispered, so quiet that if Sonic had been rambling like he normally would have, he wouldn’t have heard it. His eyes were glued to his hands in his lap. “I understand if this is too much for you right now. I’ll leave. I couldn’t let another second go by without you knowing how I feel.” 

Sonic’s jaw was on the floor. That was not what he expected Shadow to say when he walked in. He hoped Rouge had been right, but also still didn’t fully believe her.

Shadow moved to stand so fast Sonic almost missed a stray tear falling from ruby eyes. He reached out and caught his partner’s hand at the last second.

“Whoa, hey, Shadow. Please don’t go.”

The black hedgehog allowed himself to be pulled back down, still refusing to meet Sonic’s gaze.

“Look at me,” he commanded softly.

Reluctantly, Shadow met emerald eyes. Rouge had been right—he looked so broken. Defeated. Even when he had lost in the past, Sonic had never seen that look on Shadow’s face before. He was the one injured, but all he wanted was to protect Shadow from everything that was haunting him.

“I’m okay. Do you feel me? I’m right here,” Sonic squeezed his gloved hand. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry I scared you. Honestly, I expected you to come in here and tell me how I could have been more careful,” the hero chuckled.

The agent's lovely baritone voice was still so soft, and his eyes moved away from Sonic’s again to rest on where they were joined, as if he was committing it to memory. “Giving you a lecture was the last thing on my mind.”

Sonic let silence overtake them for only a moment. “Hey,” he prompted, Shadow’s eyes returning to his.

“I love you, too. I always have, and I’ve been itching to tell you but I thought it was too soon. I should have known we’d be on the same page,” he grinned.

Shadow gave a rare light laugh while still fighting to hold back tears.

“C’mere,” Sonic said, opening his arms and gesturing for his partner to lay down. Shadow did, snuggling up to him like a child who had a nightmare. He inhaled, smelling cheap soap and hospital sheets, but underneath, he could still pick up pine and fallen leaves, the scent that was so uniquely Sonic. Shadow simply couldn’t get enough. He never thought he would have him again. He turned his head so he could look up at him, Sonic’s emerald eyes already trained on his form like nothing in the world could ever be more important. 

“Do me a favor?” 

“Yes?”

“Put your ear right here,” Sonic gestured to his chest. Shadow scooted a little lower in the bed and did as he was told. 

The hero’s heartbeat was loud. So loud that he was tempted to move away, his ultimate hearing amplifying absolutely everything. Shadow had been here before, he knew the sound of his heart and how fast it beat under his ear. The fastest thing alive also had the fastest resting heart rate, which would be concerning to anyone else but him. His heart was like Shadow’s personal anxiety pill, a constant in the world of uncertainty that they lived in. 

He almost felt stupid for doubting Sonic. Shadow knew better. Even when he was at his lowest, Sonic always found a way to keep moving forward. 

He couldn’t move away from him. To hear the evidence that it wasn’t a dream, that Sonic was warm and alive and loves him was something Shadow would never take for granted again. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky exhale.

He felt a light kiss between his ears and a hand stroking his quills. “I promise you, I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Sonic’s affirmation chased away the remaining doubt he had, the demons that threatened his peace by convincing him he was dreaming.

“I’m trying to believe you’re here. I can feel you, I just need some time.”

“I understand, trust me,” the hero chuckled. “I’ll be here.” 

To chase away the last six months was left unspoken, but fully understood.

“So, you were worried about me, huh?” Sonic asked, playfulness taking over his voice. Shadow rolled his eyes and scoffed, but he knew there wasn’t a day in the future in which he wouldn’t welcome Sonic’s relentless teasing. If it meant he would live, Shadow would welcome it for the rest of his life.

“You’re so damn lucky I love you, hedgehog, because I’ve lost what little dignity I had left in the last forty-eight hours.”

Sonic chuckled and reached to guide Shadow’s face to look up at him again, placing a sweet kiss on his lips. 

“Yeah, I’m really damn lucky.”