Archive of Our Own ^beta

Do you ever wake up and just breathe for a moment?

Stiles woke up with a smile on his face that didn’t last long. His hopes of not waking up were dashed as he felt the cold and empty bed beside him. He sighed. Derek always seemed to leave in the middle of the night when he was dead asleep. He never said goodbye. He never stayed.

Stiles wanted to go back to sleep in hopes that it was a dream and when he did wake up, he wouldn’t be alone. But it was hopeless. This wasn’t a dream. This was real life.

He tried to keep his breathing calm and even despite the racing thoughts he was having as he stared up at his beige ceiling being lit from the sunlight through his curtains.

Do you ever wake up and wonder how you got to the point in life that you were at?

Stiles shook his head.

It wouldn’t do him well to dwell on things he couldn’t change. Derek was one thing he would never be able to change. The sourwolf he had come to know, treasure, and even love seemed to keep a barrier between them despite the years they had been stealing small moments away with each other.

Even though he had his own toothbrush in Stiles’ bathroom and a drawer in Stiles’ dresser, Derek acted as though Stiles was an inconvenience at best and only useful when it suited the werewolf at worst. Stiles was often left confused at the ever changing feelings that were aimed toward him.

Was he worthy of Derek’s time and love?

Or was he just convenient for the older man?

Do you ever wake up and regret doing so?

All he wanted to do was lay in bed. He didn’t want to leave. Especially with today being the monthly pack meeting. He didn’t want to look Derek straight in the eyes and pretend they were nothing more than situational acquaintances. It broke his heart every time.

He was sure one of the werewolves could smell the heartbreak on him. But, gratefully, no one ever said a word. If anyone ever suspected anything between him and Derek, they kept to themselves. Stiles didn’t know how he would feel being confronted by Malia or Liam or even Scott about this affair he was having.

Do I really have to go? He thought to himself as he rubbed at his eyes.

His cellphone on the night stand beside him buzzed with a text. It was from Scott.

>Meeting at 2pm. Don’t forget!

Looks like I don’t have a choice, Stiles thought ruefully as he got out of bed and got dressed.

The process took more energy out of him than he cared to admit. He knew he was falling back into a depressive state, especially with the rumors that Derek had been seeing a pretty woman and going out on cute dates with her around Beacon Hills.

If only he could be her. What he wouldn’t give to be openly loved by the man he was head over heels for.

Sometimes he regretted ever meeting Derek Hale that day when he went with Scott to find his inhaler. Other times, he thanked the universe for throwing Derek onto his path. Even if it came with more bad feelings than he was prepared for.

Do you ever surround yourself with people and still feel completely alone?

Stiles sat on a couch sandwiched in between Lydia and Malia at the refurbished Hale House across from Mason, Liam, and Hayden on the other couch. The droning of Scott’s voice was background noise for him. He stole glances over at Derek, who was staring intently at his cell phone as he leaned against the fireplace. The occasional smile that would grace his face pierced Stiles’ chest. He had rare ever received them. Whoever Derek was texted had already gotten more than he ever had.

“Stiles,” Scott said firmly from the center of the room.

Stiles shook his head. “Huh? What’s up, man?”

Scott sighed. “Were you even listening?”

“I mean, kinda?” Stiles said in an attempt to cover up his staring. “Something about reenforcing the boundaries around Beacon Hills and patrolling due to increased wolfie activity.”

Scott seemed pleased. Apparently that bare minimum information convinced him Stiles was paying attention. When Scott was back on his rant, Stiles stole yet another glance over at Derek. This time, he found Derek staring straight at him with a displeased look on his face. Stiles averted his eyes.

A hand on his thigh caused him to experience the sympathetic smile Lydia directed at him. It didn’t make him feel any better. The diamond ring on her left hand dully glittered under the lighting. It reminded him how far behind he was in the romance department. Scott and Malia were already married. Lydia and Parish were engaged. Liam was back to dating Hayden. Mason was with Corey. Even Isaac, when he visited occasionally from France, spoke about his dear werewolf wife.

Stiles felt utterly and hopelessly alone in a sea of partnered people.

Do you ever feel heartbroken by someone who never cared?

Stiles kicked a rock down the road as he walked down the sidewalk. Everything looked the same in his town, yet nothing felt the same. He knew, though, that it was him who was different. He wasn’t the same sixteen-year-old who roamed the streets with Scott in search of trouble. He wasn’t the same nineteen-year-old who came back to help rebuild the pack. He wasn’t the same twenty-three-year-old who took over his father’s Sheriff position when he retired.

He was almost twenty-seven-years-old.

Where was his happily ever after?

As he passed by the jewelers, he stopped mid-step. Inside was Derek with a beautiful dark haired woman looking at rings. Not just any rings. Diamond rings like the one Jordan Parish had given to Lydia when he proposed. Derek was showing them to the mystery woman with a large smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. Whatever he said had her laughing.

Stiles’ heart broke.

He knew Derek wouldn’t want to settle down with him the rest of their lives. But to have such blatant evidence crushed him. Derek didn’t even have the decency to tell him that he was getting engaged when they fucked last night. It left Stiles with a bad taste in his mouth. Was he the mistress? Was Derek cheating on the gorgeous woman in the shop with him?

Stiles didn’t have the heart to confront Derek so publicly.

He turned tail and walked away as fast as he could.

Do you ever feel the urge to pack up and run away?

Tears fell down onto Stiles’ clothes as he packed them in suitcases.

He had already put in a leave of absense and named Parish acting Sheriff. He couldn’t continue to live the way he was. He couldn’t be Derek’s little secret anymore. He couldn’t be the affair partner to Derek’s cheating. If he wanted to step out on his girlfriend, he would need to find someone else.

Stiles sat on top of the over-filled suitcase to zip it shut. When it was closed, he stared at the wall across from him. It used to be filled with picture frames, and now it was empty. Much like his heart.

He shook his head. The train he had booked with a one-way ticket out of Beacon Hills would be leaving soon. Stiles couldn’t afford to miss it.

He signed the letter he had written on the off-chance Derek would come back to his apartment. Hopefully the tears he had shed wouldn’t stain the paper and undercut his message. He placed it down on the kitchen counter and sighed.

With one final look around his apartment, he closed the door and left his key under the mat next to the one Derek would use when he came over.

Do you ever wish you could rewind time and have a re-do?

Derek smiled widely as he approached Stiles’ apartment door. He was finally ready. It was finally happening.

He lifted the welcome mat to grab his key when he spotted Stiles’ Mets themed key next to it. Something was wrong. Derek sniffed the air for any anxiety or fear chemo-signals with Stiles’ scent attached to it, but only found grief.

With lightning fast reflexes, he unlocked the apartment door and burst through.

“Stiles?!” Derek called out frantically.

His eyes caught something white on the kitchen counters and he raced over. Would he find a ransom note? Or something worse?

Derek.

If you find this letter, I’m gone. I know you’re dating someone, a pretty someone, and I won’t be the homewrecker.

Homewrecker? Derek’s eyebrows furrowed as he continued to read.

I saw you today picking out a ring with her. You both seemed happy. I don’t want to ruin that.

No, Derek shook his head. It wasn’t what it looked like. He wished Stiles was here so he could explain.

I don’t want to be what ruins your happiness. So, I’m leaving. Don’t try and find me. The only person who knows where I’m going won’t tell a soul.

I know you were never particularly happy with me. I should’ve known it was an affair when you started sneaking out in the morning a couple of months ago. You had to get home to her, didn’t you? You couldn’t risk her finding out you were still fucking me. That you were still making a mistake.

Tears welled up in Derek’s eyes. Stiles had it all wrong. Stiles wasn't a mistake. He wasn’t having an affair. He didn’t have a girlfriend. She was helping him pick out a ring.

I hope you’re happy with her, Derek. You deserve all the happiness in the world after the shit life you've been given. I hope it works out between you two.

Love, Regards,

Stiles

She was helping him pick out a ring so he could propose to Stiles.

The ring box in his jean pocket suddenly felt as though it weighed ten tons. He wasn’t sneaking out in the morning to go home to anyone. He was helping Scott with extra preparations for Beacon Hills and the Nemeton so he and Stiles could relax on the vacation he had planned after he proposed. He had met a fellow werewolf who knew the pains of loving a human who could so easily get killed and offered to help him find the perfect ring to suit Stiles. Something that screamed he was protected and loved by a supernatural being. Something to protect him when Derek wasn't around.

Derek knew he wasn’t the best at expressing his emotions. He had been working on that in therapy that Scott had suggested when he first brought up proposing to Stiles. He thought he was progressing. Even Noah, Stiles’ dad, had applauded him for all the work he had put into himself to be ready to ask Stiles to marry him. The two of them were the perfect fit for each other, Noah had once told Derek. He couldn't wait to call Derek his son-in-law.

Scott and Noah were the only ones to know of his plans. He didn’t want the others to accidentally tell Stiles and ruin everything. Especially Malia, who would bluntly blurt it out without a care.

But everything was already ruined.

And he didn’t know if he could ever fix it.

Do you ever regret something so strongly that you begin to hate yourself?