Archive of Our Own ^beta

Strong ...

Excuse me for a while
While I’m wide-eyed
And I’m so damn caught in the middle
Have you wondered for a while
I have a feeling deep down?
You’re caught in the middle

Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I've never been so wrong

Shusei curled in on himself on the windowsill. His right hand traced idle patterns on the wooden surface in front of him without the boy looking at his creations.

"I miss him," he spoke softly, voice muffled from his face being hidden in his safe created cocoon.

"I know." Clothes rustled as the person he had spoken to came closer. But it wasn’t his presence Shusei wanted. It wasn’t this person’s touch he craved for. It wasn’t this voice he yearned for. "We will find him."

Shusei didn’t react. It were just empty words. A promise he had already heard countless times without it ever coming to fruition. Hotsuma was gone. His partner had left and left him behind. There was no truer evidence of him being a failure.

"Shusei," the man spoke anew but he just pulled up his shoulders. Drew more into himself. If Takashiro couldn’t give him Hotsuma, then he didn’t want him here. Thankfully the Giou leader seemed to get the message. Shusei heard him sigh and then leave.

Empty, sad, golden green eyes left their hiding place and gazed outside into the darkness. His right hand lifted, the tip of his index finger coming to rest against the cold surface of the window. Moisture had gathered on the glassy surface and Shusei found himself writing Hotsuma’s name into the dampened layer. He stared a few moments longer at the name and then buried his head back into himself.

‘Where are you, Hotsuma?’

It had been days since anyone had seen the blond. All the time Shusei had been held in a coma-induced slumber to help with the pain from his chest burns, Hotsuma hadn’t left his side. The blond had refused to set a single foot outside the room and had camped out on the floor in Shusei’s hospital room. But the very second there had been talk about bringing Shusei out of his coma, Hotsuma had disappeared. A few items had gone missing from the blond's room at the Twilight Mansion but no one had truly seen God's Voice coming to collect them. The only real proof of the thief having been Hotsuma was the Zweilt ring that had been placed on top of the night drawer.

Shusei’s fingers absently turned the second Zweilt ring around. It was too big to fit him but that hadn’t stopped him from adorning the ring on his own thumb. It was the only thing remaining from his hot tempered partner. The ring and the memories …

God how he wanted to hate Hotsuma but he couldn’t. He loved the other boy way too much for that. Even when they had just been mere children had he known that his feelings for Hotsuma were stronger than Hotsuma’s for his. That his feelings went beyond mere Zweilt partnership. Losing the blond hadn’t been an option but he had lost him, hadn’t he? And it was just another cruel reminder how in the end he didn't mean that much to Hotsuma.  Cause if he had, Hotsuma would never have left.  Hotsuma would never have tried to take his own life to begin with.  This whole nightmare would have been avoided ...

No, that wasn't true.  Shusei knew he was being unfair now.  The act ... it couldn't have been avoided.  Hotsuma wore his heart on his sleeve.  Had a heart way too big for this world.  Finding out that the people who had claimed to love him only saw him as a monster and actually only held fear for Hotsuma within them ...  Shusei could still recall that evening Hotsuma had turned up on his doorstep.  Soaking wet and with dull, dead eyes.  It had only been a matter of time before Hotsuma's own strange and peculiar way of thinking had lead to the blond believing everyone would be better off without him.  How wrong Hotsuma was ...  He couldn't be without Hotsuma.  He needed the blond.  He pretended to be strong, but the truth was that he wasn't at all.  It was just pretence.  An act as to not trouble anyone else.  He had come to learn at a very young age already that his parents didn't see him as a human being but as a freak of nature.  And it had pained and feared him.  At that time he hadn't know where he would end up if his parents would throw him out so he had tried to grow up as fast as he could.  He had learned to do his own laundry and to pack his own lunchbox for school.  He had taught himself to excell in his schoolwork so that the school didn't have to call his parents over for meetings about worriesome grades.  He had never asked his mother to prepare meals for him, only had eaten at moments when his mother had been in a good and giving mood and a plate had been set for him at the dining table.  But more than not had he after coming home from school gone to bed with an empty stomach.  He had been a ghost in his own house.  Trying to let his presence be as little known as possible.  Even now he still carried those scars within him and failed to act properly no matter how many times everyone at the Twilight Mansion tried to remind him that he was welcome here.

Shusei's head lifted anew and he stared out over the darkened lawn beneath his window. 

Had he been wrong?  Should he have let Hotsuma die?  Had it been his own selfishness that had driven Hotsuma away?  When he had seen those flames engulfing Hotsuma's form, something within him had broken.  The shell of the perfect boy had cracked and he had shown his true self.  For the first time in a long time had he made his presence known.  Had he made it impossible to ignore him or brush him off.  But with what result?  Was it this that had made Hotsuma leave?  The glimpse the blond had come to see off Shusei's true self?  Had it revolted Hotsuma?  Perhaps in the end he trully was the one whom was at fault.  For so long he had ignored his mother's words.  Whenever she had been screaming at his father that Shusei wasn't her son, that that thing couldn't be her son, Shusei had drowned her out by burrying himself in his schoolwork and telling himself that it wasn't his fault.  That there had been something wrong with his mother.  But perhaps it was time to face the truth.  To stop running.  The problem hadn't been his mother.  It had been him and still was.  His mother hadn't been able to help it that she hadn't been able to love him.  There was clearly nothing love-able about him.  His own Zweilt partner, the person who should want to be with him for always, didn't even want him.  Couldn't stand to stay by his side.  He was clearly a failure.  Something that needed to be erased from existence.  Hotsuma had been wrong when he had tried to kill himself.  It wasn't Hotsuma that needed to disappear.  It was him ...

Shusei uncurled from the window sill and started to walk to his small connected bathroom.  Hotsuma's ring slipped from his thumb and bounced a single time on the ground before it came to lay perfectly still.  But Shusei didn't stop nor did he retrace his steps to pick the jewel back up.  What was the point after all?  He switched on the light in the bathroom and stared at his own reflection in the mirror above the washbasin.  Dark shadows lay underneath his eyes and his cheekbones were very pronounced from the lack of food these last few days.  The face that looked back at him was from someone whom clearly already had one foot in the grave.  It wouldn't take much more anymore ...

Shusei's right hand came up and absently traced one of his cheekbones.  A glint caught his attention and made him stare at his own Zweilt ring on his finger.  He gazed at the ring for a few moments before he slipped the ring off and placed it on the ceramics of the washbasin.  There would be no need for the Zweilt ring anymore ...

Shusei opened the small cabinet beside the washbasin and pulled out his razor blade.  Just weeks ago Hotsuma had been standing behind him and staring together with him in this same mirror whilst the blond had teased him about needing to shave already.  Shusei bet that neither of them at that time had expected the sharp utensil to become used like this now.  His index finger ran over the sharp edge.  Hotsuma had made a comment about being careful with the blade, not wanting Shusei to accidentically cut himself.  Shusei wondered what Hotsuma would say now had the blond been here.  But Hotsuma wasn't here, was he?  And it was all his fault. 

His fault ...

THE END