Chapter Text
Quiet.
Akaashi’s house usually was. He lived alone in a fairly small apartment. His neighbours had a dog which he frequently heard yapping throughout the day, but he hadn’t heard the dog lately. He wondered if it had died.
Thinking about it made him remember back in high school when Bokuto’s family had to put their dog down. Bokuto had been depressed for weeks after that. Akaashi vowed to never have a pet after seeing how much it hurt Bokuto having to put his dog down.
Although it did get lonely sometimes. He quietly envied his friends and their exciting lives. He would scroll through social media, growing increasingly more bitter as he saw videos from Bokuto. Bokuto lived with three others - Kuroo Tetsurou, Semi Eita, and Suna Rintarou. They were an odd bunch, but they enjoyed each other’s presence; it was evident from the videos on social media that they would post on a typical night at home. Bokuto was never alone. He was always with another person.
And then Akaashi would continue scrolling, and he would stumble upon videos and photos of Kenma’s cats, and of Hirugami’s dog, and of Sugawara’s classroom guinea pigs. His face would pinch up with jealousy at their happy, comfortable lives oozed through the phone screen.
Scrolling some more, he would inevitably reach the disgusting couple selfies. Most frequently he saw Daichi and Suga (Suga was constantly fawning over Daichi on social media). He would tiredly ‘like’ photos of Kuroo smushing his face with an annoyed Kenma; photos of Kiyoko and Tanaka on expensive dinner dates; photos of Oikawa hanging off of Iwaizumi’s neck.
After finishing his obligatory social media catchup, Akaashi would do some dishes by the light of the stove’s vent-hood lights. He would flick off the lights, fumble his way through his apartment in the dark, and collapse into bed, surrounded by darkness and silence. He wanted so badly to say that it was peaceful; that he was happy this way. But… he wasn’t. It was lonely. It was so devastatingly lonely , this life that he’d placed himself into.
In the morning, he would take a lukewarm shower, choke down a piece of buttered toast and chug a large mug of coffee, and then sit himself down at his computer and open up his work. He could go weeks without leaving his 800 square foot apartment. Week simply robotically following the same patterns over and over again until oh, he no longer had bread and coffee. At that point, he would go one block up the street to a convenience store, buy the bare necessities, and return to the safety of his apartment. He had the bulk of his groceries delivered right to his door.
Kenma had brought up the term ‘agoraphobic’ once or twice before. Akaashi brushed it off. He wasn’t agoraphobic. Or, he hadn’t been. Now, he wasn’t too sure. Was it normal to stand in front of his door for ten minutes, trying to gather the courage to leave his apartment? Was it normal to poke his head out of the door five times, checking the hallway to make sure it was clear, before leaving? Was it normal for his heart to pound in his chest and for him to be short on breath every second he was away from his apartment?
Maybe not. Maybe that wasn’t normal.
He tried therapy. He finished three sessions before having to request that his file be closed and that he wouldn’t be seeing her again. He wasn’t fucked up enough to deserve therapy. People had worse things to deal with than him; he could handle it on his own. Also, he couldn’t afford it in the long term.
Bokuto would stop by sometimes. Akaashi would stop him at the doorway, squirting hand sanitizer into his palms and then spraying aerosol sanitizer all over his clothes. Bokuto quietly let Akaashi disinfect him. People rarely visited Akaashi’s place anymore; they found it irritating how uptight Akaashi was. But Bokuto made sure to stop by every week with a few groceries for him; maybe to try and coax him outside into the world again.
If Akaashi went outside, he made sure to have two masks over his mouth, latex gloves on his hands, a beanie covering his hair, and hand sanitizer and extra masks in his pockets. Bokuto never complained about the constrictor-like grip that Akaashi would have on his arm when they left the apartment. He let Akaashi cling to him.
Akaashi’s zone of comfort only extended as far as a block away at the convenience store. Further than that was unpredictable territory.
Akaashi no longer owned a car. He couldn’t remember when the idea of driving terrified him so much, but eventually he decided to sell his car. He didn’t mind riding in a car, but being the one behind the wheel, having to take control of so many sudden, unexpected situations, made him dizzy.
And then one night tipped the scales.
Showering had started becoming a struggle. Akaashi was starting to shower every 4 days, usually around midnight. One particular night, after 5 days straight of not showering and wearing the same pyjamas, he started the shower and started undressing. He placed his glasses on the counter and then pulled aside the shower curtain slightly.
He paused, leg raised over the edge of the tub. He stared at the water splattering on the white porcelain. He squinted.
He put his glasses back on and peered into the shower again.
The water that was splattering into the tub and running down the drain had a yellow tint to it. Akaashi frowned, turning off the shower. He ran the main faucet and yellow-brown liquid came rushing out. He quickly turned the water off, heart starting to pound in his chest.
Akaashi moved to the sink, running the tap. More yellow-brown liquid.
He snatched up his phone, shakily pulling up Bokuto’s contact.
“What..?” Bokuto’s low voice croaked. He had already been asleep, but the panic washing over Akaashi ignored that.
“I went to have a shower and the water is running yellow,” he said, licking his dry lips.
“Okay?”
Akaashi shifted anxiously. “Do you think it’s still okay for me to shower in it? I haven’t showered in five days and I feel disgusting but I don’t know. Do you think it’s okay for me to shower?”
“I don’t know…” Bokuto hummed tiredly. “Run the faucet for a few minutes and it’ll probably run clear. It’s probably just some rust or something in the pipes. It shouldn’t be harmful. My grandma lived in the country-side and the bath water out there always had a little bit of a yellow tinge to it. I’m sure that it’s fine, ‘Kaashi.”
“Okay,” Akaashi nodded. “You’re right. It’s probably just rusty pipes. I should be fine.”
“Exactly,” Bokuto mumbled. “Don’t stay up too late, okay? Go to bed after you shower.”
“I will.”
“Alright, goodnight.”
Akaashi quietly said goodnight in return, hanging up and focusing his attention back on the faucets. Just as Bokuto suggested, after running the water for a few minutes, it started to run clear. But unease and anxiety had already settled into Akaashi’s stomach and he decided not to shower, knowing that he’d feel dirtier if he felt that he’d showered in unclean water.
So he climbed into bed and turned off the lights. In bed, he Googled what causes yellow-looking water. Sure enough, the top results were that it was rust. But then… then there was advice saying not to drink or wash dishes with the water until you knew what the cause was for certain. Akaashi immediately thought about the dishes he’d done earlier that night. Those would have to be rewashed.
And then he came across dangerous water discolourations.
And then he thought about the water he might have drank that may have had toxins in it.
And then he thought about the water that he’d gotten on his skin as he ran the faucets.
And then he thought about the ill-effects that bad water could have on his body. On his mind. On his growth. On his life.
And then he thought about how he was laying in bed, all those toxins all over his skin now and getting in his bed and on his blankets.
And then Akaashi sprung out of bed, violently turning on the light and tripping towards his shelves. He grabbed the hand sanitizer and squeezed a massive glob onto a palm.
He smeared his body and skin with an entire bottle of hand sanitizer before stiffly getting back into bed. He held his hands out, above his body, laying in the dark again. He was sticky now. His nose and eyes were burning from the alcohol.
And then he thought about the water that was probably in his system. His mouth felt dry all of the sudden. Of course he was thirsty now.
Akaashi forced himself to throw up in the toilet, desperate to get rid of any water that might have been in his stomach. He wiped his mouth and then filled a glass to wash out his mouth.
He stared at the glass of water. His hand was shaking.
He dumped the water and returned to his bedroom, rubbing hand sanitizer over his hands again and then got back into bed. He smelled of alcohol and vomit now. And… whatever disgusting smells had accumulated in his five days of not showering.
Akaashi didn’t fall asleep that night.
“Do you have everything you need?” Bokuto asked from Akaashi’s bathroom, staring at the rushing water as he ran the tap. It was running clear, not a tinge of yellow or brown anymore. Yet Akaashi had let it get into his head and was terrified to shower, drink it, or wash his hands in it, so at 5am that morning, he’d called Bokuto, teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack and asked if he could go to his place to shower.
Akaashi stood in his bedroom, twisting his fingers together, going through a mental list of everything he thought he might need for the day, possibly the night, at Bokuto’s. His bag was certainly heavy enough for less than 24 hours, that was for sure.
The sound of the water rushing stopped and Bokuto stepped into the door of the bedroom. “You all ready to go?”
Akaashi hummed nervously, uncertainly. “I really don’t want to go out feeling so… gross. I look disgusting. And smell.”
“No one is even going to take note of you,” Bokuto assured. “It’s a short ride on the elevator and my car is just out the main entrance. We probably won’t even bump into anyone.”
Akaashi nodded, inhaling deeply, and said, “Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, just give me a second to grab a mask.”
He moved past Bokuto to his towel closet and pulled out two clean masks, strapping them behind his ears. Bokuto placed Akaashi’s bag over his shoulder and patiently waited for Akaashi to comfort himself with his typical routine before leaving his apartment. Two masks. Beanie. Latex gloves. Lights off. Double check that lights are off. Double check that the balcony door was locked. Keys in pocket. Extra mask in pocket. Hand sanitizer in pocket. Phone. Bag. Bokuto.
It only took thirty seconds to get down to Bokuto’s car, but Akaashi felt like he was going to explode, hyper aware of how he looked, how he smelt, and his heart pounding in his chest. Bokuto had Akaashi on one arm, and Akaashi’s bag on the other.
Bokuto lived about a fifteen minute drive away and the drive gave Akaashi time to relax and calm his anxiety a little bit, safely in the enclosed vehicle with deeply tinted windows. Bokuto pulled into the driveway of the house he shared with Kuroo, Semi, and Suna. There was a car pulled onto the grass.
“Suna’s home, just so that you’re not surprised. But he’s probably down in the basement playing games, so you won’t have to talk with him much,” Bokuto said, turning off the car and stepping out.
“That’s okay. Just… I don’t want to see him before I get cleaned up and feel better,” Akaashi said, sniffing and following Bokuto into the house.
Bokuto got him set up in the bathroom and then left him alone to get him feeling a bit more like himself.
Akaashi showered and brushed his teeth, putting on fresh clothes and looking at himself in the mirror. He was kicking himself at putting Bokuto out of his way to pick him up so that Akaashi could stay at his place, when it probably was just rust in his pipes. Again, he was being stupid and getting too much in his head, letting his anxiety get the best of him.
He ground his teeth together, exhaling aggressively, and picked at the skin of his lips until he felt a stinging pull and blood reached his tongue. He was scared to leave the bathroom, afraid to see Bokuto, worried he was annoyed with him. He was scared to run into Suna and have to interact with the still mostly unfamiliar man.
“ Fuck ,” Akaashi swore loudly, pounding a fist down on the counter. “ Fuck, fuck, fuck! Ahh, you fucking idiot. Can’t you just shut up for once?”
Akaashi pulled open the bathroom door and stared down the hall, listening intently for any indication of who was where in the house. He could faintly hear the sounds of a videogame coming from below him, so Suna was still downstairs. Bokuto couldn’t be heard.
“Bo?” Akaashi called into the house, shifting on his heels.
“Yeah?”
Akaashi breathed out in relief and followed where Bokuto’s voice came from, finding him on the couch scratching at a lottery ticket.
“Feeling better?” Bokuto asked.
Akaashi nodded, perching hesitantly on the sofa beside Bokuto. He twisted a damp piece of hair between his thumb and forefinger, wondering if Bokuto had heard his outbreak in the bathroom. Embarrassment numbed his gut.
“I’m sorry for bothering you and interrupting your day like this,” Akaashi apologized. “I can take the bus home if you have things to do today. I can pay you gas money.”
Bokuto scoffed good-naturedly and said, “You’re not bothering me. You can stay the night if you want, that’s fine, especially if you aren’t sure if you trust your water at home. Just make yourself at home. I can let the guys know you’re here so that they can just chill out accordingly before they get home.”
Akaashi felt tired tears well in his eyes and he leaned over, bumping his head onto Bokuto’s shoulder. Bokuto wrapped his arm around Akaashi, sighing.
“I’m tired,” Akaashi sniffled. “I wish I wasn’t so scared all the time.”
“I can’t even imagine what it must be like,” Bokuto responded softly. “I don’t know how your head works, but if there’s one thing you don’t need to be uncertain about it’s that I’m always going to do my best to make things a little bit easier for you, however is going to make you feel the most comfortable and secure.”
Akaashi slid down, laying his head on Bokuto’s lap, taking a few shaky breaths and closing his eyes. He felt Bokuto gently dig his fingers into his damp hair. In his other hand, Bokuto pulled up his phone and sent a quick text to the house groupchat.
Bokuto … akaashi is here for the night. Doing really badly. No shit tonight guys, k?
He got three thumbs up emojis in response.