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Language:
English
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Published:
2023-11-11
Words:
1,202
Chapters:
1/1
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10
Kudos:
38
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His raw heart

Summary:

Roman has a raw heart and Gerri knows. That's why she'll always forgive.

"It wasn’t meant to be like this. This…them…it was never supposed to be such a heavy burden for him. This should be it. His glorious victory. The thing he’s being waiting for. The final proof that persistence will always prevail, that he has finally worn her down. Instead, it feels like it’s drowning him. Like she pushed his head forcefully into an ice-cold bucket with just four stupid words."

Notes:

A/N: This music video finally pushed me over the edge. And so here I’m going off the deep end and posting my very first Gerri & Roman fanfic. It’s terrible, poorly written, embarrassingly short and way too OOC. But well, I’m not a native speaker and this idea has lived rent-free in my mind for months now. Maybe now I’ve got it out of my system and can finally put these two to rest. (Highly doubt that…too many drafts on my old computer for that.)

So here it is. The best I could do, which isn’t much. But still, I would like to ask you to please be gentle and kind. Don’t kill this small thing with harsh words. It means the world to me. Thank you and I’m sorry.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Go softly with me.
My heart is raw.
Too many losses have left me down.”

„Did you mean it?“ He whispers into the darkness of the bedroom. His voice is so soft it’s almost swallowed by the heaviness of the night around them. She catches it anyway because she knows him. Knows that she caught him off guard today. Hell, it shocked her too.

So, this doesn’t really surprise her. She has anticipated it. She’s almost impressed how long he hold on, how long he kept it all at bay. But it’s late and she’s tired. So is he. But not his vicious insecurity, his persistent doubts. They’re wide-awake tormenting him mercilessly. Playing a cruel game with his heart that he is doomed to lose.

Someone else would probably feign sleep. Most of his (other) girlfriends would certainly have been offended. But that’s not her. She’s made of much stronger stuff than to be insulted just because her…her very-complicated-and-hard-to-name-anything-but-Rockstar-somebody would rather have a midnight meltdown than answer her very startling morning declaration with actual words.

It’s not a big deal. She won’t hold it against him. She refuses to let this become yet another grudge for her to hold onto when her own uncertainty catches up with her. No, this time she’ll be gentle with him. She won’t use harshness to get to him. This time she’ll be soft and kind with him. Even though she has no idea how. Even though she feels so far out of her comfort zone that she fears she might get lost in her own mind. Even though she’s a little bit afraid herself. She’ll do it and she’ll succeed.

Because she gets it. She knows. Better than anyone else. Behind all his youthful bravado and snarky boundary-pushing he’ll always be like this. Her loving, soft, beautiful boy with a heart that is way too raw for a man in his early forties. That has endured too many losses in the past years.

“What?” She askes tenderly. Anything to make him feel safe, protected, loved. Silently hoping that he’ll believe it this time.

“That…” His sounds so fucking exhausted. It shouldn’t be like this. It wasn’t meant to be like this. This…them…it was never supposed to be such a heavy burden for him. This should be it. His glorious victory. The thing he’s being waiting for. The final proof that persistence will always prevail, that he has finally worn her down. Instead, it feels like it’s drowning him. Like she pushed his head forcefully into an ice-cold bucket with just four stupid words.

This was supposed to be a happy day maybe even his happiest yet. Now it lays in ruins around them with him struggling to talk to her.

But she’ll be damned to leave it like that. She won’t let this day end on such a bittersweet note even if she has to drag him over the finish line kicking and screaming. Blindly she reaches for him. Trying to give him the courage and strength to continue. Her hand lands softly on his chest. His raw, precious heart right under her palm. Safe, protected, loved. Then finally, she feels him take a deep breath.

”That I’ve good instincts.” Displeased she frowns. That’s not what you wanted to say. So, he chooses to hide from her. She won’t lie. It saddens her. It even hurts a little bit. Much more than his inability to say it back in the morning did. But she’s Gerri fucking Kellman, the unfireable General Counsel of GoJo Waystar Royco, his ruthless Molewoman and she’ll also always, always prevail, weather every storm especially when it comes in the form of a lost and broken slime puppy looking for guidance and affection.

“I never say anything I don’t mean wholeheartedly, Roman. Now go back to sleep.” She is neither stupid nor shortsighted. She knows it’s wrong. It isn’t healthy for their relationship – if you could even call it that – to let him off the hook that easily. But even though she’s everything but weak he often makes her so. Sometimes she wishes she could loathe him for that, but her own fragile heart would never allow it. Stupid, useless thing. Choosing him of all people...

“Alright.” It’s pathetic how he doesn’t even manage to convince himself. But she also knows. He isn’t done yet. All she has to do is wait. Waiting for him to trust her. To truly feel safe, protected, loved…by her.

“And…the other thing? Did you…did you mean it…was it real, Gerri?”

She wants to crake a joke. She wants to say. “Yes, I’m also very serious about you having horrible instincts.” She wants to get rid of the terrible sadness in his voice. She wants to be his champion again, his competent, clever filing cabinet, his Molewoman. But she can see it now. She swears she can feel it under her tickling fingertips. One wrong word and this raw, precious heart will break...again and she is done being the reason for that to happen.

In the end it’s easy. It’s easy to turn things around. To make it if not happy than surely a better night. It’s easy to let her hand wander, to capture his face, to be gentle and soft with him. It’s easy. It comes so naturally to her. It’s like she was born to do it.

“Yes, I did. I do.” It’s so easy to admit it, so liberating. She has to bite her lips to prevent them from stretching into a warm smile. She can’t remember a time she’s felt so light. It feels exhilarating.

“Ok. You know…I…I do too. I just…” She quickly shuts him up with her index finger on his lips. She doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t need his fumbling excuses. Because she knows. She’s always known.

“I know. I know, honey.”

“How?” God, he sounds so small. So tremendously terrified.

“I just do. It doesn’t matter, Rome. It really doesn’t. It’s fine. You aren’t ready. But I’m. So what? I won’t pressure you. I also won’t run away. And I’m sure as hell not planning to say goodbye to you.” Not again. Once, twice, thrice was painful enough. But he doesn’t need to know that. Instead, he snuggles closer to her. Buries his head under her chin right into her neck. His shaky breathing makes her shiver, but she just tightens her hold on him and his gorgeously messy heart. Mine. All mine.

“Could you…could you maybe say it one more time.” And mean it. Just to be sure. He doesn't add that. He doesn't need to. She hears it anyway. Can read it between every quivering syllable. This time she doesn’t stop her lips from forming the goofiest smile she has ever dared to show.

“Of course.”

It’s late. It’s so fucking late. She is tired. So is he. But she’ll never be too tired for this. Nothing will ever drain her too much for this. To keep it safe. To protect it. To love it. His beautifully raw heart. After all it’s so easy. It only takes four small words.

“I love you, Roman.”

Notes:

A/N: Yes, I know. She would never in a million years say it first. And even if she did Roman would never ever not jump at saying it right back. But my mind kept circling around this stupid "but what-if" bullshit, so I had to shut it up somehow.