Chapter Text

Kyle’s POV:

It was the beginning of a normal Tuesday. It was 6:15 when he woke up, a little earlier than when his alarm usually goes off. He got dressed in a green collared shirt, his signature orange jacket, a pair of tan cargos, and his signature hat. He then brushed his teeth, ate a small and quick breakfast, and left. The cracks in the asphalt roads ran on the sides of the road and occasionally down the middle. Luckily it didn’t affect his driving as much as it looked like it would, or maybe he was getting used to it. A random song by The Weeknd played on the radio, decreasing the silence as he drove. He was so proud of himself for getting his license on his first try, he only got it two weeks ago. The memory flashed into Kyle’s head, and he grinned.

Kyle lived close to the school, so he was there in no time. He closed the driver’s door of his black SUV and started walking into school with his backpack slung around one shoulder.

“Kyle!” Kyle heard a familiar voice from his left. Kyle could recognize his best friend’s voice from a mile away.

“Hey, Stan!” Kyle said and glanced at Stan as he finished getting stuff out of his locker.

“Garrison’s not here today,” Stan said cooly, leaning on the lockers. He was wearing a 100% HEMP shirt to promote his dad’s business and wore sweatpants with a black hoodie wrapped around his waist.

“Finally.” Kyle faced Stan as he rolled his eyes and closed the door of his locker.

“Right.” Stan exhaled. “Anyways, I’m with Wendy again.” Stan said like it was nothing.

Kyle stared at Stan, clearly disappointed. They broke up, like, every 3 months at most. Stan was still proud of it though, he always was.

“Good for you,” Kyle said in a monotone, clearly being sarcastic.

“Thanks. I’m gonna hit by her and see how she’s doing, bye dude!” Then Stan just walked away, smiling.

Kyle couldn’t care less though. He has seen Stan in every stage of breakup a million times. It’s his fault he keeps putting himself in that situation.

Kyle walked to his first period class, biology. When he got to class, he noticed there was a new seating chart on the Promethean board. He used to sit beside Clyde. He was definitely more annoying than you would’ve thought. First off, he was super dumb. He always asked for help and when Kyle declined (which most of the time was because they weren’t allowed to work together), he would pretty much cheat. Second, he was so loud. He attracted so much attention because he talked so much. And he was so annoying, He’s grateful Kyle didn’t snap on him. He was grateful he was finally getting moved. The only reason Kyle isn't in the AP class is because the teacher is super sick or something.

Well, that’s before he heard that he would be sitting next to Cartman.

As Kyle looked up at the board in the front of the room, he couldn't help but whisper "Oh my god, you're fucking kidding me." under his breath. He dramatically dragged himself to his new seat. It was the table in the second column in the third row, and he specifically sat in the left chair. Kyle dropped his backpack on the floor beside his chair before falling into it. He hates this class. At least it's easy. He looked at the Bellinger on the Promethean board and scribbled his answer on a piece of notebook paper.

The first bell rang, and then the second. Cartman didn't show up on time. "Probably skipping. He'll get caught soon." Is what Kyle thought of in the meantime.

But he never showed up. Kyle was for sure confused, but he would never complain. It was just, quiet. Almost a little too quiet. The teacher, Ms. Salm, could actually talk without being called racial slurs. And Kyle didn't have to almost break his voice from yelling at his fat face every day.

Plus, Kyle got to use the entire long desk. Knowing Cartman, he will hog the entire table with a mixture of snacks, his Chromebook, a book or two from Ms. Salm, and more snacks. "He's so fat oh my days."

Soon enough though, class ended. "I guess Fatass isn't here today." He walked to his second period, AP Calculus.

And soon, that ended, and then he had AP English. He liked that class. He wasn't entirely alone, he had Craig.

And finally, lunch came. They had the third lunch, or the latest lunch. It started at 1:30 and ended at 2:05. He walked there with Craig, like always. Their classroom was luckily close to the lunchroom, so they were usually one of the first classes to get there. 

After he got his food, he sat down, waiting shortly for Kenny and Stan. The four of them somehow had the same lunch period. They hadn't all had lunch at the same time since... freshman year?

"And she said she forgave me, and now we're back together," Stan said to Kenny. He's probably talking about him and Wendy.

Kenny sat across from Kyle and Stan sat beside Kyle. They sat near the end of their lunch table.

"Wow. I wish that could happen to me." Kenny softly clapped for him. He doesn't wear his hood up in the fall so people other than Kyle, Cartman and Stan can understand what he's saying.

"Yep. That was a dream come true right there." Stan beamed with pride.

"Hey, Kyle?" Kyle felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Oh, yeah?" Kyle looked behind him. It was Craig.

"Where's Cartman at?" He asked.

"I dunno. Why ask me?" Kyle furrowed his eyebrows a little.

"You guys are together, like, all the time." Tolkien cut in.

"No. He's with me. I'm not with him." Kyle tried to defend himself, but just sounded stupid.

"Alright, dude." Craig said nonchalantly.

As he walked away, the boys paused before continuing. Stan leaned into the middle of the table. "Anyways, Wendy was telling me today about something really weird. I don't know if I believe her to be honest." 

"What?" Kyle asked, not taking the hint that Stan was trying to be low-key about this.

"So, apparently, during this year, you're supposed to get these things called soulmate tattoos." He whispered to them.

Kenny and Kyle were quiet.

"Like, you get your soulmate's name tattooed on you in cursive or something. They're not sure if they're actually tattoos and how to get them, but they know they exist."

"...What?!" Kenny and Kyle said together. "Jinx! You owe me a Dr Pepper!!" Kenny exclaimed, smiling. He opened a bag of chips. "Is that why I saw Craig's name on Tweek's arm last week?"

"Wait, you saw that too?" Stan asked, eyes widening. "Okay, so I wasn't tweaking."

"To be honest, I don't think I'd believe them. They're girls, they're probably faking it to make a guy like them." Kyle bit into a burger. They taste like ass. "And Tweek could be in an alliance with them, you never know." Kyle talked with his mouth full.

The others laughed. "Yeah, for sure." Stan giggled. 

Cartman's POV:

"Thank you for shopping!" The self-checkout machine said brightly. Cartman just scoffed in response as he picked up his small bag.

Cartman rushed out of the beauty store to his red pickup truck. He climbed into the driver's seat, started it up, and drove away, without a word.

When he got home, he was greeted by his mother.

"Eric! Did you get the medicine?" Liane asked.

"Yep." Cartman lied.

"Good job! I hope you feel better." She kissed him on the cheek. Cartman rolled his eyes and he made his way upstairs.

His first stop was his bathroom. He stomped in and locked the door immediately behind him. His heart rate began to pick up again. 

"I can't believe I have to do this," he whispered, complaining to himself. He opened the bag and took out the pale, liquid foundation he had bought for $10. Before opening it, he took off his black turtleneck sweater to reveal a white T-shirt. Cartman sighed, his eyes glued to his left collarbone, as he read the name written in blue-black ink over and over again.

Kyle Broflovski.

Cartman sighed as he opened his liquid foundation. He took the dropper and squeezed one drop on the back of his hand. He then took a random blush brush he bought, dabbed it on the foundation, and wiped iy over that fucker's name until it was invisible.

Cartman gave a half smile. "Better."

When he finished, he put everything back in the plastic bag it came from and began to walk to his room.

Chapter Text

Cartman's POV:

After dropping his new beauty products off in his room, he walked back to the bathroom. Cartman gave himself one more exhausted look in his mirror before bursting into tears.

His mind was racing a million miles a minute. Why the hell did he get this stupid mark on his skin? "Maybe somebody put a stamp on me in my sleep. With his name on it. Or maybe he put some jew curse on me. Or, like, I don't know?" Although there are a million solutions for how this happened, they all don't make sense to Cartman. Kyle would sneak into his room for a prank like this though, according to Cartman.

Cartman looks at his reflection. He's the shortest out of his friend group, followed by Stan, Kenny, and Kyle being the tallest. He's about 5'7. He still had some chub to him, but alot of it evened out as he grew older. His heterochronic eyes keep falling back to where the name was. It was signed beautifully in cursive. He grits his teeth at this visual reminder. He was glad it was covered with that foundation.

He looks down, nervously tapping his left foot, trying to think of how it even got there. It just appeared this morning. Like, he was brushing his teeth for the morning, and suddenly Kyle's name was stained on his neck. He knew he was NOT showing up to school like this. Even though he would put on his turtleneck jacket either way, he knew he had to get something to cover it, not just clothes. That's how he got here.

Okay, maybe the first thing Cartman thought of when he woke up was the jew. And maybe it wasn't just causally. So what. Cartman hates admitting this, but he's liked him for a while. Like, since middle school maybe? Well, he's been aware of it since middle school. If this had something to do with Cartman's true opinion on Kyle, it wouldn't really help pinpoint when this potentially happened. He thinks about Kyle all the time. No joke. 

He didn't choose to love the Kyle Broflovski. He didn't choose to get jealous every time he would talk about a girl. He didn't choose to admire his big, bright ginger hair and his fucking gorgeous amber eyes. And he didn't choose to have Kyle's name printed on his skin in this blue-black ink.

Then suddenly, Cartman looks back at his reflection again, eyes widened.

You know, that looked a lot like a tattoo. He thought.

Maybe I can get this mother-fucker's name off me for good.

Yeah, that sold him. He quickly got a washcloth and put it in cold water from the faucet, then tapped his under eyes to prevent his eyes from puffing. He tried rubbing the foundation off with it, but it was already soaked in. That's okay. His mom has makeup remover somewhere.

He soon found some in the cabinets under the sink. He grabbed some random cotton balls, put in some drops of makeup remover, and tapped some of it on the signature, washing away the heavy foundation he put on earlier. Then he left the bathroom, bolting for his room. He grabbed the fake ID from his drawer and made it straight downstairs. He is getting this shit removed ASAP! He didn't run though, he didn't want his mom to get suspicious. By the time he got downstairs, he noticed his mom wasn't even home. And, like always, didn't even say bye.

After unlocking his phone, he searched Safari for the nearest tattoo shops. He found a place 20 minutes away. "Fucking god." His mom drove him mad sometimes. But right now is not a good time to dwell on it." At least I can get this son of a bitch's name off me."

He got into his red pickup truck and slammed the door shut after hopping in the driver's seat. He started the truck, and it rumbled deeply. Cartman pulled out and was now off, straight to the shop!

Kyle's POV:

It was about 2:06 pm when the bell rang for the boys to get back to class after Stan's blabber about his girlfriend and that soulmate bullshit. Time for Kyle to stroll along to his last class of the day, and it was with Kenny. They hardly ever got classes together, considering how far apart they were in school. Kyle was very close to valedictorian, while Kenny was at rock bottom, hardly passing any of his subjects. Yet they shared 4th period art.

Kyle split up with the rest of his chattering friends to exchange some materials from his last class in his locker.

If he's being so honest, Kyle never really never understood how Stan could be in love with the same girl for so long, I mean, it's been since grade school that the man's been pining over this girl. Kyle's never really, really been in love with a girl before, sometimes he would pull girls and sometimes he would like them, but they would leave so quick that he wouldn't have enough time to genuinely fall in love with them. It's honestly made him feel kinda hopeless. For a little while in middle school, he thought he may have been on the aromantic spectrum, but he still liked different girls romantically. So by the time the beginning of freshman year came, Kyle decided that he was simply just a stage every girl had before they found their true love.

But he didn't really care if he ended up with a wife or not, he surprisingly cared more about how embarrassing it would be to end up without a soulmate. Just imagining Cartman's reaction if he somehow DID have a soulmate and Kyle never did infuriates him. And almost jealous. Because Cartman definitely does not deserve a girl's heart.

Kyle was snapped out of his thoughts when he finally reached the art classroom.

And just like that, at 3:35, his class was just about over. He was ready to get home. His teacher announced it was time to clean up, followed by curses under her breath at her computer. He did not like Mrs. Smith. He put away the 4B and 6B pencils he and Ken shared, put his sketchbook back in his bag, and stood idly, waiting for Kenny to come back from the restrooms. He was shocked he was even allowed to go, considering how late it was, and he'd already been there for almost than 5 minutes.

The desks are organized in a semi-circle, all facing the whiteboard and beside that was her Promethean board. She had a desk where her computer sat in the front of the classroom on the other side of the Promethean board and another in the back, where she usually was to grade assignments. The boys sat on the right side of the room, directly beside the door to the hallway.

Soon enough, at 3:38, Kenny's back, bouncing in every step, like he's excited.

"Where'd you run off to now." Kyle said pessimistically but smiling.

"You're not gonna believe what I just saw!!" Kenny giggled as he pulled his phone out of the pocket of his iconic orange parka.

"Oh great. Should I be worried." Kyle sighed.

Ken unlocked his phone and grinned. "Look!!!" He exclaimed followed by a beaming smile as he leaned in with Kyle. He was cute sometimes.

It was a video of Tammy Warner, Kenny's ex-girlfriend from not only grade school, but also middle school, and also dated again recently, breaking up with her, well, now ex.

And Kyle took that back immediately. "Dude!" Kyle jerked a tad.

"What? Isn't that AWESOME. I might have a chance now with this smokin' hot babe." Kenny pointed at himself like he was the man.

"Yea. I don't know about that BJ though." Kyle muttered. "And how did you even spy your camera against that wall like that?"

"Well-" Ken would've said more, but the bell rang. Time to go.

Kyle was walking to his car with his hands in his pockets, honestly thinking about that whole tattoo bullshit from earlier. Does he really believe in that? Of course not. This'll pass like everything else has. Although these chicks are a bit old to be making up dumb rumors like this, especially Wendy.

Maybe he should text Cartman.

Kyle got to his car and opened the passenger door to drop his stuff off. Then, he walked over to the driver's door and sat in his black leather seat. He pulled his phone out of his navy cargos, unlocked it with face ID, and opened it to the contact 'Fatass'. He was the only person in there who didn't just have their normal name.

"Where the hell were you today?"

Kyle texted. He started his beautiful SUV, and very quickly got a text back.

" the jew misses me alr??"

Kyle scoffed as he continued texting.

"No, people were asking me about you"

"liek who"

Cartman always spelled 'like' like that. Kyle doesn't know why.

"Craig was"

"ew"

"wna play smt @ mine l8r"

"You're sick. I'm not coming over while you're sick."

"oh yea mb"

"Wtf"

"Dumbass"

Kyle then put his phone down to hit the road.

He got home very quickly. It never took him long to get home-- he lives almost 5 minutes away.

He walked up the familiar stairs to his front door and swung it open, accidentally letting the fall breeze in. He quickly closed it to take off his shoes and his jacket and bolted straight for his room. His mom nor dad were home. Ike was on his computer, probably on Roblox or something.

Kyle closed his bedroom door a little louder than he should've and laid flat on his bed. It's been a long day. But he has to study. So he quickly got up and started to unpack. He has no time to rest yet.

Until he gets a call.

"Oh my god, if this is Fatass," Kyle said under his breath. He picked up his phone and lo and behold, it was Stan.

"Hey dude!" Kyle said into the phone

"Dude. I might have a problem."

"What..." Kyle got concerned. Stan said stuff like that a lot, but he wouldn't usually get to the point like that. And he sounds really creeped out. Kyle began walking to his organized desk.

"You know the thing I said Wendy was talking about at lunch today?"

"Yeah..." Kyle stopped walking. His eyebrows furrowed.

"I think it's fucking real. And I think it just happened to me."

Chapter Text

Kyle's POV:

"WHAT?!" Kyle was taken aback by Stan's sudden news. "Are you serious man?"

"I'm being so for real," Stan says, astounded. "You're the first person I called."

"Awh." Kyle chirped in.

"It happened sometime after school. Maybe during my drive home? Like, I had just said goodbye to her and kissed her, and then I got home and got dressed into my pjs, and I saw my, like, waist, and it was right there. It just says "Wendy Testaburger" in cursive. It almost looks like her signature. I can send you a picture if you don't believe me."

Kyle's jaw was indeed dropped. "Show me. Please." Kyle said, pacing around his room. "How was this even happening...?" He thought.

He soon gets a notification from Stan: "One attachment." Kyle wasn't sure if he wanted to open it, to be honest. He didn't want to believe it. But he did anyway.

And there it was, a picture of Wendy's full name in what looked like black ink on his screen. "And you're not faking this," Kyle asked dumbfoundedly.

"On my soul, I'm not faking this." Stan said pridefully, but in a bad way.

"Duuuude." Kyle stopped pacing. "That's insane. Has Wendy got your name or something? Or is it not reciprocal?"

"Not yet, but I don't see how it can't be reciprocal"

"I see..." Kyle says, one hand on his hip, again pacing his room. "And you really think it's true?"

"Of course. How couldn't it now? You heard Kenny talking about Craig and Tweek at lunch, and if Tweek really does have Craig's name, that should be saying something. The girls probably called them soulmate tattoos for a reason."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Kyle reasoned.

"Alright, I gotta go. Just wanted to update you because..." Stan closed.

"Yeah. I gotta finish some classwork. Bye, man." Kyle smiled.

"Bye bro." Stan said before hanging up.

Kyle sighs at the loss of his best friend's voice, throws his phone on his bed, and continues unpacking. He decides to reserve his thoughts for a minute. He got out his AP Calculus notebook and Chromebook from his dark teal backpack and placed them in their respectful places on his desk.

He booted up his small black Chromebook, logged into his school account, and he went straight to Google Classroom. He sighed at the assignment he saw under "Due Today". He clicked the assignment and opened the document attached. He got a pencil out of his pencil mug and started working out the problems.

As he was working, he couldn't help but have his mind wander back to Stan and Wendy. 

"I mean, I just don't get it. How could he love her so much and not even get too stressed out by the thought of her like not liking him or something? Especially considering that's Stan Marsh, the biggest overthinker on the planet. I wish I could find a girl as easily as he did. He sniffed. I know they're soulmates now, but I mean before this shit."

Sometimes, Kyle can't help but compare himself to literally every couple around him. "Like, how have Tweek and Craig been in love since the 4th grade? I don't even care if this soulmate bullshit is real or not, they got their names first. Well, according to Kenny, they were first. Then Stan and Wendy. What's next, Cartman and Getting His Teeth Kicked In™? Or no, even better, FOOD. Maybe that's why he was sick, FOOD poisoning. Yes, definitely something along the lines of that. And Ken's is probably gonna get every high school girl in South Park's name, to be brutally honest."

His mind just kept talking. "Man, I wonder who mine is. I have to have a soulmate. I wonder what she looks like." He paused."What does my dream girl look like..."

He mindlessly started scribbling his thoughts down:

1. "I don't want some boring girl. I want someone who stands out from the crowds. Unique personality or unique features, I don't care. Having both is the preferred option though." He learned this after his dates in grade school.
2. "I want her to be shorter than me. 5'5-5'9 is a good height I think." Kyle is at peak 6'0. One time in middle school, he went from 5'4 to 5'10, while Cartman shrunk an inch.
3. "And I'm not really into blondes, I think." He remembered back when Bebe liked him in grade school. Thank god she's taken.

That's all he really knew about a dream girl. He's never thought about it before.

He continues his work and finishes a little more than 20 minutes after starting, it was about 4:30 now. He closed his Chromebook and went over to the computer charger. Ike broke his charger a little earlier in the school year, so he wiggles the charger around a little until the light on the side flashes orange. He put his pencil back in his mug. He kept everything else where it was so he could go over it later tonight.

He laid on his bed silently, staring at his ceiling. Plastic stars remained from when he was younger, he loved anything that was labeled glow in the dark back then. He actually got these plastic stars from Cartman. It was one of Kyle's limited good memories with him...

"Are you serious?!" Kyle's smile was huge after seeing the top of a box that reads 'Glow Stars'. His heart was pounding as he continued unwrapping the blue toybox wrapping paper, tearing it up without mercy. He'd been wanting these stars forever, of course he was thrilled.

He sees the box fully now. They were stars of all different sizes. 300 pieces. "How did you guys know I wanted some of these?" Kyle looks around his room, beaming.

Cartman struck a classic egotistical smile. "Oh  you know, through the grapevine," 

"OH." Kyle gave him a stare. He hates how well Cartman knows him sometimes.

Kyle picked up the gift and noticed a light green envelope. Kyle lightly picked it up. 'Open This Last JEW' was written on it, 'JEW' being in his attempted cursive. Kyle gave a small smile at the familiar nickname.

After opening it up, Kyle saw a card that said "You're 11!" with a Lion on the front. Kyle rolled his eyes and he heard Cartman snort a little.

He gently opened the card to reveal the inside. In Cartman's average handwriting, he wrote:

"jew,

i got u stars cuz i know jews have stars in their flag or smt. i think they have 6 or 7 points though. craig used to have like 20 packs of these b4 stripe 8 some and the rest 'kinda just dissapeeₐred', when he was talking ab them i thought they would be kewl in yr room to fit in w/ your jewish aᵉsthetic ಡ∀ಡ keep them up their 4ever until u die. or else. hbd ig. ╭∩╮(-_-)╭∩╮"

"Thanks a lot Cartman," Kyle muttered, embarrassed to be the most excited over a gift from Cartman.

"Yep. Keep thanking me." Cartman put his hands on his hips and giggled a little. 

"Don't flatter yourself."--

CRASH!!!

Kyle heard Ike drop something loud enough to make Kyle snap out of his flashback. It was made of glass.

"SHIT, MY BAD" Ike yelled in response.

"Nope, not this today. I am NOT doing this again. I am not getting sentimental with that asshole for no reason again. I'm going to take a fucking nap."

Cartman's POV:

A few minutes after getting texts from 'jew', he finally got to the shop. He parks in the front and slams his truck door with most of his remaining anger so he can put on a not-so-pressed attitude on whoever he sees in the shop. 

He opened the glass doors and a little bell rang. A girl, bent over while trying to pick up boxes, looked at the door quickly. She was a goth girl with short, black hair and bangs. She has sleeves of tattoos. "She must enjoy her job."  

"Welcome!!" She said politely, standing up straight. She's shorter than Cartman and had a surprisingly high-pitched voice. "You can sit on the chair in the front." Providing Cartman with her full attention before picking up one last box. Cartman looked to his right, there was this big navy hospital chair waiting for him.

After thanking the tattoo artist, he laid on the chair. It was like one of those chairs at the dentist. He checked his phone.

After a minute or so, her attention went back to him. "Hello, sir! My name is Katie. What type of tattoo would you like to get?" She sat down on a red stool and rolled it to where he was sitting.

"You can call me Eric," Cartman said confidently. "Can you do tattoo removal?"

Katie softly smiled. "Yep! What happened?"

He had second thoughts before telling this random girl what's up, but she wouldn't care, she's just a tattoo artist. "Okay, really strange story, but I woke up this morning and I had this stupid tattoo on my neck. I don't know WHY. I didn't even do it! It was just there." Cartman nervously rambled.

She raised an eyebrow. "Strange. What of?"

"This guy's name." Cartman unzipped his turtleneck and opened it up a little. He tilted his head up to make it easier for Katie to see.

She smirked. "Ohh, I see." She huddled into him. "What's your relationship with this guy?"

Cartman looked down at her, confused at first. "He's my opp?"

"So you don't like, have a crush on him at least? Don't worry, I don't have anyone to tell." She assures and crosses her arms on her legs, still leaning in a little.

"I- WHAT?" Cartman's mouth dropped and he locked his head back to normal. "Dang, you're jumping to the point, huh? But..." He hesitated. "I do. Just keep it down." He grumbled.

"I see." She sucked her teeth. "I can't remove those. Sorry." She got out of her stool and stood behind it.

"Why not? I need it gone as soon as possible. I'm seriously." He looked over at her disapprovingly.

"It's quite literally permanent. It's not a tattoo."

"Can you just cover it with a tattoo then?"

"I mean, I could, but it's not a good idea." She walked to her counter in the back.

"Why not? I think it's a great idea." Cartman put his hands on his round hips and began to get up and follow her.

Katie shrugged and turned her body to him. "If you tried covering it, you'd know. I tried doing that my senior year, and I regretted it." She lowered her arms and hung on a hip. I swear, after 24 hours, my feelings for that person pretty much doubled. It didn't matter when or how. I had to get it removed before I would, like, kill myself. They didn't even give me a warning!" She shrugged. "After that, I tried using makeup. Did not help." She looked at Cartman with a grim expression. "And the worst part is, it can even take years for an obsession you can create with doing this to calm down to a normal extent. They're not called soulmate tattoos for a reason, although plenty of people your age think they are."

Cartman's eyes widened, looking flabbergasted. "What did you say?" His energy immediately deflated.

"Which part, how my feelings doubled?" She paused. "OH. Wait." She grimaced. "Oh, my BAD." She itched her neck and looked away nervously. "You didn't know he was your..."She whispered. 

"Uh..." Cartman shuffled awkwardly. Very out of character. "Well, thanks for telling me that... but I gotta get going now." Cartman points behind him. His mind is spinning in all different directions, "What does this bitch mean by "not a soulmate tattoo"? What does she mean by "'soulmate'??"

"Aw man, that's okay. Hope you feel better bro my bad."

"Yeah kewl have a good day." He said hastily, immediately staggering out of Katie's tattoo shop, closing her door a bit too hard and shaking back to his truck, his only safe space at this point.

Chapter Text

Cartman's POV:

Cartman got back in his car, so much angrier than he was when he arrived at Katie's. His outcome was not expected and now he was now clueless about what else he could do.

"The fuck?" Cartman's mood has been so disoriented in the past few hours. He puts his face in his arms, which are resting on the steering wheel. "What you mean 'soulmate'?" He yelled at nobody but his windshield. "I need to drive." he thought as he slammed the truck back and forth out of the parking lot.

From deciding what he should do with this stupid signature to how he should even feel about Kyle, he does not know how to handle this news right now. Even that name is beginning to make him sick. What does one even do after learning their nemesis is their romantic soulmate? Cartman slammed on the gas, going 50mph on a one-lane road. "This day is a fucking nightmare. Right." This is anything but reality to him.

He thought about stopping by the KFC where he usually stops for dinner if he's out, but he didn't switch lanes, deciding he did not have time. He wanted to get home immediately.

He parked his truck up his driveway and locked it. He opened the door to his house, only to be greeted with silence. Mom still wasn't home. Cartman mindlessly threw his keys on the couch, flew up his stairs, and headed straight for his cluttered room to dump off his phone. His next stop was the bathroom. Again.

He opens the door and avoids his reflection. Instead, he reaches over the bathtub to turn on the knob for the shower. "I could use a refresher." He sighed. After the water heated up, Cartman stripped and dragged himself to the shower.

"This isn't even the "He has to love me one day" type because he's going to kill his ginger ass the second he witnesses his name on me. If he ever does. And if he didn't kill himself, there's still no way HE would willingly want to date, to live, to marry ME. He would probably just date some random girl anyway. And I'm not even all that bad, I'm the GOAT actually, he's just... never mind." Cartman always avoided complimenting him. To him, that would only make his raging crush worse.

"But for real, this has to be rigged or something. Unless he realizes how much he's missing out on. Like just look at me! How could he say no to this ripped body?" He grabbed a handful of his rolls. "Six-pack right there."

The rest of the shower went surprisingly well, it really helped him chill out.

He walked back to his room feeling way better, grabbed a random change of clothes thrown on his floor from days earlier, and got dressed. When he was dressed, he grabbed his phone from his bed and laid on his stomach, facing his pillows. Two texts from 'poor boy'. Cartman swiped the message right and typed in his PIN. His phone was directed to the text. It was a video. And as he watched it, he saw Tammy Warner and the backside of her ex-boyfriend. Under that was a text that said:

"guess whos singl noww😈😉"

Cartman rolled his eyes and smiled. 

"ur not giving up on her r u."

He replied. It could take Kenny weeks to respond, he's honestly lucky even to get his TV working at home.

He checks the time. 5:52. Cartman scrolls through his contacts until he comes up with the perfect plan to help him get this taken care of.

hey bro wsg

Everyone except Kenny does not know how close he and Heidi stayed after they broke up. It only ended because Heidi decided she didn't like guys. Cartman was slowly falling for Kyle the whole time, so he didn't have a problem with it. He and Heidi are very close friends still. 

Hi

Oh you know just the usual

Heidi responded with a minute later.

i have a ?

Ask away

nvm lemme ft u

Cartman texted before calling Heidi.

"What do you need?" She said through the phone. Her face was super close to the camera, then she leaned it on her white vanity. She was sitting on her white square stool, her creme bedframe visible in the background.

"Have you gotten your soulmate's signature yet," Cartman says quickly.

"What? Well... yes. I have." Heidi hesitates.

"Really?!" Cartman's face brightens. "Who's name was it?"

"I-I can't say." She flushed.

"Bitch come on. We tell each other everything. Please~" Cartman begged like he used to with his mom when he was younger.

"Fine."

Heidi paused. She put her arms on her desk and buried her head, ashamed. Cartman looked at her camera wide-eyed. "Red."

"RED?!" Heidi nodded. "And when did you get her name?" Cartman was stunned. That was not who he would expect.

She tilted her head back up and looked side to side. "Last month?" 

"Whaaat. How did you get it?" Cartman's intrigued. 

She twirled her hair. "I don't know. Ever since I came out to you four years ago, I felt something different about her." Cartman looked very surprised. "I'm being so for real. I mean, I thought of Wendy briefly, but she's constantly something to Stan and her personality is a bit much. After I realized she's not my thing and came back to Red, I had her name on my leg."

"Did not ask for that backstory but okay." Cartman snorted. "So you really are one of 'em queers."

"Yep. Glad you can admit it." Heidi rolled her eyes sarcastically. "You can't be talking though."

"AY!" Cartman yelled through Heidi's glitched laughter. "I have a serious question!!" He said with his classic 'Respect my Authoritah!' voice. Heidi is one of the only people who Cartman came out to. And Kenny, but he doubts he remembers.

"Was that not it? When you asked if I got a name yet?"

"No, actually. There's still more. Chill out."

Heidi sighed. "What do you need to ask."

"Do you," Cartman paused for emphasis. "Regret falling for her?"

"Well yes. Obviously. She's your average straight girl who simply looks gay and maybe listens to Chappell Roan. She's pretty close to Craig so she's not homophobic, but I think she's the type of girl who would rather see the pearly gates than fall for a girl. I think she likes this random sophomore anyway." Heidi said, her words laced with defeat and acceptance.

"Okay. Well, I got mine today and I'm certain they would rather fucking die than spend the rest of his life with me. They're looking forward to senior year just so they can get rid of me."

"That doesn't rule out anyone."

"Doesn't matter. All that matters is if we can perhaps... replace their names with ours? Temporarily?" Cartman fake smiled with his teeth for good measure.

Heidi frowned. "So you want us. Me and you. To fake date," She asked for clarification.

"Yes."

"Depends. Who did you get."

He responded by twitching his eyes. Heidi thought it was creepy but it eventually led her to the answer. She covered her mouth in shock. "Did you get fucking Kyle?!" 

He stopped smiling and instead made a thin line with his lips. "...Yeah. I did."

And she busted out laughing.

"You fuckin' bitch." He muttered while crossing his arms.

"Oh my gosh, that's crazy. I technically have to say yes now, there's no way he's gonna like you back anytime soon. No offense."

 Cartman nodded his head a little. "I'm aware buddy, thanks." His sarcasm was very present.

"Are we doing this to make him jealous or what?"

"Well, now that you put it that way, sure. And the same thing with you. Maybe Red'll get upset. Never know. She was pretty mad every time I would play with you." Cartman reminded Heidi, and she blushed. "Nuh-uh." Was her response.

"So how is this gonna go down?" Heidi asked.

"I'm gonna pull up to school telling everyone you got my name and now we're dating."

"Okay..." She looked down. "What good would me getting your name first do for me?"

"Well, people would think you're straight. And if I got yours, everyone would think I'm faking it. Your friends would probably hunt me down or something, prolly thinking I'm tryna target you again."

"True. If I got yours, they would probably be more supportive." She put her elbows on her vanity. "They would be pretty shocked though. And they would think I still think about you."

"How about this, you got yours last month like normal and you didn't know what it meant until you searched it up or something." Cartman brainstormed.

"Or, even better, they were gossiping about these today for the first time. I can say I learned from them!" Heidi's voice got higher pitched as her ideas blended.

"Atta girl, see, you're still smart. Not funny though." He referenced.

"Oh shut up." Heidi again gave him a dirty look and Cartman laughed. She put her forearm on her vanity. "Wait, where did you get his name on you?"

"My neck?"

"Oh. Yep okay, you definitely need me."

"Was I not supposed to get it there?" He asked. "Where did you get yours?"

"It doesn't matter where and I already told you, my leg. Technically my calf. But Kyle's name would be very easily seen on your neck, considering how much nasty t-shirts you wear."

"Good thinking." Cartman winked. "You got a foundation, right?"

"I should be asking you that." Heidi opened her powdered foundation on her vanity which she rarely used and her beauty blender.

Cartman walked to the bathroom, phone in hand. "Nah man, I bought some for this reason in specific." He set his phone on the sink and pumped the foundation he left on the back of his hand once.

"Is that why you weren't at school today?" She put her right leg on her stool.

"Mainly." He didn't want to elaborate. He took the brush he bought to dab into the foundation and then dabbed it instead of swiping it on his collarbone. 

They both covered their respective names until they weren't visible anymore. While it set in, they both signed a piece of paper, took a picture of it for each other, and copied it in the same place the best they could with Sharpie.

"THANK YOU BABE I LOVE YOU." Cartman squealed when he finally finished Heidi's "complicated" signature after trying to perfect it.

"Ew, we don't have to fake it over the phone."

"It's called practice, sweetheart."

"Yeah, no, we're done here. I have to eat dinner anyway. Bye." Heidi hung up immediately. 

"God, my girlfriend's so mean to me." Cartman said to the silent phone as he changed her name in his contacts from 'ex: dont text!!' to 'my world'. And before you question it, her original name was a joke. Obviously.

Cartman figured maybe it was time for him to get food too. So he went downstairs, grabbed his keys from the couch, and made his way out the door and to his truck yet again.

Kyle's POV:

It was 8:53 pm. Kyle was mindlessly scrolling through TikTok before bed.

He kept seeing all these soulmate videos reposted by the girls, mostly Wendy, a few by Stan.

Kyle does not know why he's getting so discouraged over this. It's only been a day, and this soulmate shit is the most trending phenomenon in their grade. It feels like everyone is beginning to discover who their soulmate truly is except him at the same time. While a few people, like Tweek and Craig, probably got their tattoos days, even weeks before today, Kyle was unaware of their significance or even their existence. It seems like all this knowledge has been suppressed until today, a meaningless Tuesday, and nobody but him seems to care. All of a sudden, all every guy cares about is which girl he's going to marry. They're 16, they shouldn't be worrying about this!

Kyle sighed. He scrolled under the comments of one of Stan's reposts. One said:

Never got their soulmate gang -->                                       ♡︎₄,₀₄₇

His stomach twisted instantly. Is getting a soulmate not guaranteed? He checked the replies.

I wish getting a soulmate at a young age happened to

everyone. My ex-husband got his at 23 and it was not

me. Broke my heart to see him go.💔                                    ♡︎₆₈

"Damn." He thought. "I can't imagine if that happened to me."

"What if me or my soulmate never get our names? Or what if she's just some random girl on the streets?  Or even worse..."

"What if I don't even have one?"

Kyle looked at his ceiling, the stars glowing in his pitch-black room. "Whoever it is, it'll play out properly, I guess." Kyle hates being clueless. He would rather be faced with his soulmate now than later, whoever she is. Even if it's a girl who's the exact opposite of his 'type', so far. He just wants someone to love. "Because, c'mon, am I that bad? Like, Cartman for example is probably gonna be alone. But he's brought himself to that. He's gonna be single for a reason." That calmed him down a little."Not many people deserve that, but Cartman's a bitch. No matter how good-looking he is."

He went to the search bar on TikTok and searched 'How to find your soulmate'. He pressed search and after showing a loading screen, 4 videos came up. He tapped on the first one. The background had a beautiful view of the ocean from a random beach. It had 67k likes.

3 facts for finding your soulmate! read before it gets taken down <3

• you must be able to admit you're in love with them and mean it. you can't just say you love them because they love you, for example, you have to mean it.
• you can't rule out anyone- unless they already got theirs. it could be the cashier at your local mcdonald's, you never know.
• if you don't get yours before you're 25, you do not have one or you did not fall in love in time </3 if you lose yours in your 30s, don't worry, you're supposed to lose them then."

Kyle favourited the video for later. He plugged in his phone using his screen as a flash and turned it off for the night. If this trend continues, he'll just burn for love more and more. He's never been much of a romantic, but he doesn't just want to be humiliated and without a soulmate by the time senior year rolls around. He put his phone on his nightstand and drifted himself to a distressed sleep.

Chapter Text

Kyle's POV:

♩♩♫♩♩♫

Kyle's alarm buzzed from his nightstand. His alarm set was 'Night Owl', his favourite Apple default choice. Kyle woke up and peeked his eyes open as much as he could. He could see the outline of objects in his room because of the moonshine through his curtains- it was still dark outside. Kyle spotted his phone and slammed the ringing off before rolling out of bed.

He picked out his clothes: A white long-sleeved T-shirt under a black T-shirt, the same tan cargos from yesterday, a pair of Nike shoes, and his signature hat. He hates doing his hair if it isn't obvious, he usually ignores it. He limped to his bathroom and found his dark orange toothbrush on the sink.

After brushing his teeth, he walked down his stairs softly to his kitchen to make himself breakfast. While the bread's in the toaster, he packs lunch for today. And by that, I mean a Lunchable.

By the time he finished packing, the golden-brown bread popped out of the toaster. Kyle put some butter on it and hopped in his car.

Soon enough, he gets to school. He parks near the front of the student parking lot, locks his black SUV, and carries his heavy backpack to the building.

"What's good, bro!" Kyle looks to his left to see his best friend, Stan Marsh.

"Hey!!" Kyle smiled as he dabbed him up. Today he was with Kenny.

"Okay, now that Kyle's here, I'll tell you," Stan said, facing Ken.

"Tell him what?" Kyle gave a confused glance at Stan.

"Remember what I told you yesterday?" Stan looked back.

Kyle oohed. "You're not gonna believe this, dude. Honestly."

Kenny began to look worried after Kyle's reaction. "Is it bad?"

"Nah man, it's just kinda crazy." Stan leaned on the lockers.

"Alright. I'm used to crazy."

"So. Remember the soulmate stuff Wendy was talking about?"

"Yes?"

"Well. I got a tattoo yesterday. Of Wendy's name." Stan put his head down.

"NO WAY?!" Kenny's mouth dropped. "Did it just appear there??"

"Pretty much." Stan put his hands in his pockets.

"You're lying. Lemme seee!" He shook Stan's shoulders.

"Ay ay! Kyle's got a picture. Show him!" Stan commanded.

Kyle unlocked his phone and quickly went through his and Stan's messages. He scrolled up a little to find the photo. After finding it, he held the phone in front of his eyes.

"See bro! It's crazy, I don't even know how it happened!!" Stan explains.

"Who's fugly name is that?"

The two boys screamed. Kyle couldn't see who said that until he took the phone out of his face, but he recognized his distinct voice easier than he could for anyone else. Eric Cartman. 

"Wendy's. Have you heard about these soulmate tattoos?" Kenny asks his best friend.

"Yes, I have, " he said, looking down at his nails. He had painted them pink last week, but the paint was starting to chip off.

"Really?" Stan asked. "I thought it was just made public."

He smirked, still looking at his fugly nails. "Yep. And in fact, somebody got me already." 

WHAT. 

That snapped Kyle back to the conversation immediately. "No, they didn't."

"Yes. She did. She called me last night telling me what had happened to her, and we're dating now." He hung on a hip.

"Who?!" Kenny asked, eyes twinkling with curiosity.

"Heidi." Cartman put his hands on his hips with confidence. He makes Kyle sick when he's confident. Actually, everything he does makes Kyle sick, Cartman's presence to him is honestly sickening itself and--

"Wait, who did he say?"

"Heidi? Again?" Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Here we go."

Kyle's eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh."

"Did she not learn her lesson or something?"

Cartman laughed, his laugh was one that Kyle will, again, always recognize as his. "I just can't help my charm." His wink went straight through Kyle. "Ew."

"Do you have proof?" Kyle stepped forward towards Cartman, breaking the square the four naturally shaped themselves in.

"Not on my phone. Maybe she'll show it off at lunch or something. Have patience, Jew." The familiar nickname made Kyle feel so personally attacked. And weird. In a bad way. 

Kenny broke the tension. "That's crazy man. Congrats. Hope you guys aren't so bad again." He looked a little confused, almost like this didn't make sense to him either, but he pushed it away. He's probably still processing him and Stan.

"Thank you, Kenny. See, why can't you be like him?" Cartman tsked, putting his attention back on Kyle.

Kyle's not really in the mood for his bullshit, now that he's learned Cartman got a soulmate before he did. Like, how is that even possible? "Becau--"

"Shit, I needa get to class." Stan said while putting his phone in his pocket, obviously not meaning to interrupt him, he probably wasn't even listening. He has to leave early every day, his class is one of the farthest from the lockers they were always at.

"Want me to walk you?" Kenny smiled. His was around that area too, but nearly not as far. "Sure," Stan said.

"We," Kyle grabbed Cartman by the arm. "Should be going also."

Cartman yelped. "Ay! Get your Jersey fingers off me!!" He kicked and cried like a baby.

Kyle chuckled. "To class." He said, dragging the larger one down the halls. He's stronger than one would think.

Cartman and Kyle soon entered Ms. Salm's. "Did we get new seats?" Kyle heard from his right.

Kyle remembered. "Oh yeah. I forgot. Come, fatass." Kyle reached down to grab his wrist. Cartman's wrists were very warm, even his cheeks were tinted baby pink. It was usually pretty warm in Ms. Salm's though. 

They walked around a few duos until they arrived at their duo seat. "You sit with me."

"Are you serious? Ohmygodd." Cartman complained. "You're joking. Do I have to ask Ms.Salm if you're lying?"

"Yep. That was my reaction too." Kyle put his stuff down and sat in his chair. Cartman opened his mouth to continue complaining, but luckily the first bell rang before he could start, so he just sat down.

After the second bell and Ms. Salm assigning a quick bellringer, she did the attendance and started with what we were assigned to do today.

Cartman elbowed Kyle in the shoulder.

"Duude. I'm so bored. Do you have anything fun to do?" He put his hands on his semi-chubby cheeks.

Kyle looked at him, surprised he had actually finished the assignment on time. "Do you not have any makeup work?"

"Nah, man. For once." He looked at the Promethean board at the front.

"Not even from when you weren't here?"

"Yep, I did all of that yesterday." Cartman looked back at Kyle.

Kyle didn't respond.

"You're finished with yours, right?" Cartman paused, but he didn't wait for a response. "We should compete in snake."

"Cartman." Kyle blinked. "No."

"Whyyy..." Cartman quietly wined again.

"Because. I don't want you complaining when I beat you." Kyle smirked.

"You'll be shitting your jew pants after seeing me play." Cartman snorted.

Kyle looked back at his computer and sighed. He's not gonna pick a fight with him over Snake. "You know what, bet." He opened a new tab and googled 'snake'.

"Let's go." Cartman said with that wide grin Kyle hates.

They were knee-deep in the first round when Ms. Salm got on them for being on games. Cartman sulked and Kyle apologised. They were assigned a study guide, and the class ended. And Kyle went to the rest of his classes, like any ordinary day.

And soon enough, it was lunchtime! Kyle usually enjoyed lunch. But not so much after learning someone new joined their Quad.

He got to lunch as early as always, he sat at the same round seat near the end of the tables. Cartman was already in the cafeteria before him and in line, waiting for everyone else.

"Is he waiting for Heidi?" Kyle thought in the back of his mind anyway. "Fucking better not be."

And soon enough, Stan arrived. And behind Stan was Heidi. They both cut in front with Cartman and so did Kenny when he finally arrived.

Kyle couldn't hear what any of them were saying, But he was facing the line and close enough to see what they were doing. He began opening his lunchable.

Kenny pointed at something on Cartman, Ken widened Cartman's T-shirt a tad to reveal something on his chest area. Kyle couldn't see anything, but the boys and Heidi were freaking out.

Cartman looked over to Stan. His eyes were wide and he nodded. Kenny cheered- Kyle could hear that, Ken's a pretty loud guy- and Heidi kissed him. 

Yep, you heard that right. "She kissed him. Willingly!! They've been dating for not even a day, and they're kissing. Already." Kyle thought, unintentionally balling his hands into fists.

And the worst part was, when they pulled away, he could've sworn he saw Cartman shoot a glance at him. "BRUH. Did he look at me? Does he know I'm pissed?? I swear he did. He's trying to make me mad. Well, I'm not. I'm fucking fine thank you."

And really, all he can do to keep his rage inside of him is roll his eyes and continue eating. He's honestly not sure why he was getting so worked up. Maybe it's "what happened in the past with them. Or maybe my crush on Heidi is coming back?"

"I hope it's not the second one. I can't like her again. They're soulmates, dude."

He snapped out of it when he saw Kenny speeding to his seat. "Dude, Kyle, have you seen anything on Cartman's chest?!" He asks, acting like he just went on a roller coaster for the first time. 

"It's kinda crazy man, honestly." Stan appeared from behind. He softly chuckled. "You're not gonna be happy about this, though."

The two boys sit down, and behind them are Cartman and Heidi. Before sitting down, Cartman pulls the neck of his shirt to his left and turns his head up.

"What do you mean..?" Kyle looked up at Stan, and then Cartman as he arrived.

"Look." Cartman broke eye contact to look at the ceiling and points at his collarbone.

Kyle's eyes searched his chest before finding what looked like a scribble.

"What is that?" He stood up and leaned in. Heidi sat down in the seat beside his, turning the square they had into some random ass unnatural figure. 

As he looked closer, he noticed a name in cursive.

His amber eyes read the name 'Heidi Turner'.

"What." He's speechless. "This is not real."

"Yep. There's your proof. She's my bitch. Sorry Kahl, you're too late." Cartman said, Heidi giggled under her breath. 

"So she thinks this is funny too? You literally just called her a bitch??" Is what Kyle wanted to say. Instead, he choked out, "I could not care less."

Cartman hummed. "You know, maybe you don't even have one, Kahl." He smirked.

Kyle was at his limit with Cartman's bull shit. "What? Why would you suggest that?!" He began to stand up. "Cartman I--" 

Stan pushed him down. "Dude. Relax. Don't let him get to you."

He looked at Stan, and then back to Cartman and his stupid wide grin. Kyle took a deep breath and sat back down.

Cartman's POV:

KICK!

"Ow! What the fuck!" Cartman gritted through his teeth. He looked to his right, Heidi was looking straight at him.

"That was kinda harsh, Eric," Heidi said, sounding as sweet as possible.

"Shut up, man." He looked at Kyle. He was talking to Stan and Kenny like normal, like hardly anything ever happened. "Aren't we supposed to make him jealous?" He said an octave lower than his normal voice.

Heidi grabbed his face, attempting to make it look like they weren't talking about Kyle. "Honey, don't tell him he doesn't have a soulmate. You know, he could end up never searching for his and then he will never fall in love with you. Then you both would be cooked."

"Trust me, man, I've been doing this for years. I got this in the bag." Cartman looked back at Heidi, confident with what he was saying.

"Dude." Heidi stopped being so sweet after noticing the other three were in their own little world. She put Cartman down and put her face in her hands. "i swear you have green aura with flies. You have to make him jealous, not scared for his future."

"There's a difference?"

Heidi just stared at him. "You're never gonna win him over like this." She hugged him just in case.

"...Can we make out in front of him for good measure?" He whispered in her ear.

She sighed as loud as she could. "Fine."

And to Cartman, that was worth it. The burning death glares he got from Kyle was enough attention for him.

Chapter Text

Kyle's POV:

Kyle threw his dark teal backpack on his bedroom floor and jumped to his purple bed. "What a mid day." He sighed.

He laid there for a minute, head empty with nothing but flashbacks to his school day. For example, lunch. When Cartman was all over Heidi. That made him pretty mad.

He rolled out of bed and grabbed his backpack. He quickly unzipped the main pocket and grabbed his sketchbook from art class. He flipped it to the page dated '9/23', his current assignment. He took the sketchbook along with his backpack and brought the two to his desk. He grabs some graded pencils he's borrowing in the side pocket of his bag. He tosses them on the desk, quickly sorting them from darkest to lightest and gets started.

He's currently shading a cat template. While his shading is not flawless, it's certainly better than Kenny's.

Kyle put on some Metallica and begun his unfinished project. But his mind, again, couldn't help but wonder on the events of today.

"It's such a coincidence that Cartman got his tattoo right after Stan." He picks up the 4B pencil and starts where he left off. "He's probably faking it like always."

"But how would he drag Heidi into that lie? And why isn't Cartman blocked on her phone? God, this is so confusing."

After finishing his shading, Kyle sat there for a moment, contemplating what to do next. In the end, he decided he just wanted to play some Roblox and unwind.

So he does. He goes on Roblox from his phone and sees Stan playing Murder Mystery 2. So he joins him. He's not really in the mood to call or anything. He gets up from his desk and falls on his bed, laying on his back.

Kyle sees Stan's avatar jumping around him as his black screen fades.

Kyle types in the chat. What's good bro

heeeyy Stan says. He plays on the computer. im with wendy rn

Good thing Kyle didn't call. Nice

ya shes watching me play rn

Cool

The round started. The map was Mansion 2 and Kyle was innocent. Obviously. He walks around the small map, mindlessly collecting coins. He hears a gunshot and hears victory music, meaning the sheriff won. Short match.

ez  Stan says in the chat. He was sheriff.

Kyle goes to the voting room and he sees his favourite map, Research Factory, as one of the votes. He votes for it and it turns out to be that map for the next match. He gets innocent again.

Hey Stan

ye

About Cartman, do you think him and Heidi are faking it or something?

not rlly

i can see him faking it but heidi got it first, so im not sure

What if both of them are faking it tho

The murderer kills Kyle. He waits for the round to end before he sends a chat again.

idk man

i dont think heidi would do that

i dont see why it matters anyway

It doesn't

I just don't want Cartman to be taking advantage of Heidi agaim

again

they're soulmates

he cant take advantage of her

The round ended. The murderer ran out of time.

Idk man It's Cartman

do youlike heidi or something?

you like*

What? No

Kyle loads into House 2. He's innocent.

idk man you sound a little jelous

I'm not jealous?

you sureee

Yes? Heidi's not even my type. Kyle's starting to get a little mad.

Stan's the murder, and he kills Kyle.

mk man

Kyle leaves after that. He didn't have to play with Stan anyway. He'll just hop into the shower or something.

He gets up from his bed and notices the sunset from his window. It appears red, but it shines an orange glow in his room.

Kyle looks out his window and across the street and notices Cartman's truck is gone. "I wonder where he is right now..."

Cartman's POV:

"Finally." He stretches as he finishes translating his Spanish homework. He stands up from his chair and leaves his desk. "Time to go get some KF--"

His phone starts to ring. "Oh my godddd." Cartman wipes his eyes.

"Hey honey!" Cartman says, trying to be cheery just in case.

"When are we ending this." Heidi sighs. She's laying on her bed.

"Dang. So eager. Am I that bad?" Cartman looks at her like he's offended.

"Yes. My friends are also pissed."

"That's too damn bad." Cartman hangs up.

His phone rings again instantly.

"What." He says, clearly annoyed.

"Answer my question." Heidi wines.

"Fineeee." He wines even more. "We can whenever you're ready to come out I guess. Or when Red gets your name."

"But that's never going to happen."

"Yeah huh, you just have to be better." Cartman snorted as he sat on his bed.

"Shut up hoe." Heidi rolled her eyes.

"You shut up."

"You know what you should do." Heidi raised her eyebrows.

"What. Kill myself?"

"Well yes, but you should also go to Kyle's this weekend!" Heidi said, forcing a straight face.

"WHAT. Why. I mean, I'd like to, but why."

"I dunno, to hang out with him?! I go to Red's every weekend!"

"I usually bring everyone to mine." Cartman is not convinced.

"Please? It will be so worth it. I want to break up asap and I know you want him bad. You can make a move on him, c'mon! Pleasee." Heidi begs.

"FINE." Cartman says without thinking. He doesn't like Heidi sometimes.

"Good job. BYE." Heidi yells and hangs up on him.

"That fuckin' bitch." Cartman curses. He grabs his keys and a lighter from his nightstand. "I am not going to that Jersey's house."

Cartman closes his bedroom door and walks down the stairs to his house door. Kyle could hear his mom's music playing downstairs, but there were no sounds of her moving around.

Cartman couldn't help but think to himself "Perfect." He stopped by the kitchen but didn't see his mom there, but he did notice her half-full cigarette box. He walked to the counter it was on, got himself four cigarettes, and he walked out of the house. No goodbye.

After finally getting to KFC, he decides to take a quick smoke break in his truck before he gets his food. He lit up a cigarette, placed it between his lips, took a short inhale, and exhaled a cloud of smoke.

Cartman's mind stops thinking about the cigarette and begins drifting to Kyle again, and can't help but giggle a little. He takes another hit of it. "His stupid fucking smile." Cartman felt a light blush heat up his chilly cheeks. "I wonder what he's up to." There's an orange glow tinting the inside of his truck. Golden hour always reminds him of the day he realized he was in love with Kyle.

It was a Sunday in the summer of 7th grade, Stan was on a trip with his family so it was just Cartman, Kyle and Kenny. The three boys had been playing all day at Cartman's. Kyle was leaving first, his mom had ordered him to be home an hour before this.

All three of them were in Cartman's backyard, just about to play again, until Liane said it was time for Kyle to go. 

"Guys, I think we should hang out more like this. Just the three of us." Kyle said to them.

"What do you mean? You sick of Stan?" Kenny asked.

"Well, no, but he complains too much sometimes. You guys are more laid back than he is, I like that." Kyle smiled and looked down, shy of what he was saying.

" You finally realized." Cartman put a hand on one hip.

Kyle went quiet at that comment and closed his eyes.

Suddenly, something in the background moved, revealing the sunset. The orange glow of the sunset shared its light with the curls, giving them beauty and making them look like they were on fire. The warm hue tinted his pale skin, accentuating the countless freckles that adorned his skin. When Kyle opened his eyes, Cartman was struck by how the sunlight made them sparkle. He was captivated by the way Kyle's eyes were suddenly fixed on him, and they were more beautiful to him than any other pair he'd ever seen before. "Thanks for inviting me over man. Can I come tomorrow too?" Kyle said softly, almost dreamily.

Cartman honestly felt shell-shocked. "The fuck.?" Cartman thought, before spitting out "Sure, whatever."

"I can't make it. I have to take care of Karen tomorrow. Sorry to disappoint!" Ken beamed.

"That's alright!" Ken took his gaze off Cartman and gave it to Ken. 

In the distance, you can hear Kyle's mom screaming something incoherent. "Well, that's my call. Bye guys!"

"Bye!" The remaining two say simultaneously. Cartman turns to Kenny immediately, and Kenny's eyebrows furrow.

"Dude, why is your face is so red?" Kenny asks. "I don't think it's that warm out."

"What? No? It's not. My face is fine." Cartman distracts him by running inside. "Bet you can't beat me to my room!"

"I- Hey!!!" Kenny's baffled, but that doesn't stop him from chasing Cartman to his backdoor and into his room.

Chapter Text

Cartman's POV:

"Fuckin' school again." Is what Cartman thinks to himself as he walks towards South Park High. Usually he's at least looking a little foward to pissing off Kyle, but not after everything from Tuesday. He always parks far away from the school in case he needs a smoke break or something.

When he gets out of his vehicle, he looks to his right and already notices Kyle's car parked in the same spot as always, three parking spaces away from the front, and sighs. "Why does he have perfect attendance?"

His phone goes off as he steps foot into the building. It's Heidi.

It reads: "Wya?"

He walks to the bathroom and texts her back, "just got to school".

She responds in seconds. "Meet me in the lunchroom <3"

Cartman sighs. "call me rq"

Cartman watches the text open, and he receives a call after keeping his phone open for a few seconds.

"What." Heidi deadpans. 

Cartman paces the bathroom. Although there are only some random freshmen here right now, he still keeps his voice down. "You told me to ask Kyle if I could go to his. Remember." 

"OMG THAT'S RIGHT! Didn't mean to get in the way of you two! Sorryyy~" Cartman hears the smile in her voice, which makes him fight the urge to roll his eyes. 

"Shush." Cartman flusters.

"Hehe, bye babe." She giggles as the background noise grows gradually louder before he hangs up.

"Fuckkkkkk." Cartman combs through his hair with his fingers to fluff it out. He's using the camera on his phone with his other hand to see himself since there are no mirrors in the boys' bathrooms. 

"Let me just get this shit over with." He takes a deep breath. "I just have to be nonchalant. C'mon. He can't say no to me."

So on that thought, Cartman pridefully walks out of the men's room and walks towards his locker. He opens his phone again to shoot Kyle a text, but he decides not to after reminding himself that he shouldn't try to make a big deal out of it. So now, Cartman's on a search for Kyle.

Or maybe not, because he's just at his locker with Stan and Wendy. As fucking always. Cartman rolls his eyes and stomps his way to them. Stan glances at him and notices he's coming their way, so he decides to end the conversation between him and Kyle and take Wendy away. "Thank god."

"Hey." Cartman lightly pushes Kyle.

Kyle turns his body to him at impact, but his face drops and the nasty looks begin after he notices who it was. "Shouldn't you be with your girlfriend?" He crosses his arms and leans on the lockers. His hair peaks through his hat enough to cover his eyebrows, but Cartman still knows they're furrowed based on his demeanour.

"Damn bro, can I not spend time with my favourite Jew?" Cartman teases. 

Kyle rolls his eyes. "Shut it." He squints his eyes at Cartman. This is one of his favourite looks.

He eyes Cartman up and down. "Your hair looks fucked today."

Okay, maybe he shouldn't try to fix his hair before seeking Kyle anymore. "Your face looks fucked today."

"Why are you here?"

Cartman takes a quick pause to regain his confidence (although he'd never admit that). "I'm just letting you know that I'm coming over on Friday." He looks to his left and right as he says this to ensure that no one else is listening.

"What? Why?" Kyle's eyes widened, and his eyebrows knitted.

Cartman didn't really think about how this ball would drop on him. He hasn't been over to his alone in, like, months. He never gets the chance anymore. "'Cuz I said so. Do you have plans already or something?" 

Kyle tilts his head down in confusion. "Why don't you hang out with Kenny or Heidi?" 

"Kenny's busy with his job, and Heidi's not allowed to hang out with boys anymore. Remember?" He only added the last sentence to prove his point; there's nothing Kyle's supposed to remember. "And I'm assuming you have no plans."

"I'll make plans if it'll keep me away from you." Kyle says with a sarcastic smile.

Cartman looks down dramatically and almost sighs, but Kyle soon answers with "Fine."

Cartman looks straight back at Kyle, his eyes brightening a little too much. But he does calm himself down. "I didn't need your permission."

Kyle walks away from his locker, but symbolises for Cartman to follow. "You can't just walk into my house. You wouldn't fit in my doorframe."

Cartman almost giggled. "I've gotten skinnier and you know it." He walks on Kyle's right side, closer to the hallway.

"Mmm." Kyle side-eyes Cartman, and the pair let out a laugh.

Once they stop, they walk in silence for a few seconds before Kyle blurts out, "Why don't you just sneak into Heidi's room?"

Cartman ponders for an answer. He never thought about that. He can't just be like 'Oh yea, fuck Heidi, she doesn't deserve my time of day like you do,' He has to come up with something. 

But when he sees it from Heidi's point of view, he finds an answer pretty quickly. "She would be so pissed."

"I would get pissed off when you'd sneak into mine too." The pair makes it to the cafeteria.

Cartman rolls his eyes. "Yeah, but I want you to be pissed off. I don't wanna fumble in front of my girl." He smiles. "Clocked." 

Before Kyle can reply, Cartman spots Heidi. "OH! Speaking of Heidi, I gotta go say hi." He glances at Kyle to see if his facial expression changes.

And it does. It's subtle, but it does. His freckled jaw twitches, and his frown drops lower on one side, something only Cartman would notice. He's spent way too long being around his childhood friend and being a 'retired' master manipulator to miss it. "K." Kyle says in a monotone. One thing Kyle can usually pull off is maintaining an average(ish) tone of voice when he's upset. He used to be really bad at that, and, don't get me wrong, he still is in Cartman's eyes, but he could probably fool anyone else. 

He scurries off to where Heidi and her friends are sitting. Red is sat to the left of Heidi. Across from her is Wendy, and to her right is Stan.

"Hey, baby," Cartman says, surprising Heidi. She looks up and smiles, then pecks Cartman's lips as a hi back. Cartman shoots the quickest glance to Red, and oh lord, is she obvious. He forgot how pissed off she always is at Cartman. Her face darkens, and her eyes are locked on him. He could almost laugh, it's so obvious she likes Heidi back that it hurts.

Cartman sits to Heidi's right and pulls out his phone. He notices that Heidi is wearing shorts today. That means his name should be visible to everyone. "Hm. I'll ask her about this... decision later..."

He holds Heidi's hand over the table as he continues scrolling through his phone. He opens Instagram and sees that Kyle posted a story! He almost smiles. But, he can't be caught smiling at someone else's posts, especially while he's around girls. They inspect everything a man does. His profile picture is a sunset with a silhouette of himself and the mountains behind him. Honestly, Cartman would almost call it aura. 

It was posted an hour ago, and it's a picture of a broken phone that looks a lot like Ike's. There's white text above it saying "Bro 💀💀".

Cartman can't even crack a smile. This is difficult. If he weren't surrounded by his girl's best friends and his man's best friend, he would be crying by now. Not even glaze.

Speaking of which, "Where is Kyle?"

And of course, that's when the bell to dismiss the kids goes off. "Bruh."

When everyone else in the cafeteria packs up their stuff to leave, Kyle is nowhere to be found. And when he and Heidi leave together, he can't find him in the hallways.

After the others leave, He immediately starts talking about Kyle. To Heidi, this is just your average Cartman. "Have you seen Kyle anywhere?"

Heidi starts laughing already. "Why don't you just text him?"

"I don't feel like it." He complains, dragging out the last syllable.

"Whatever. Don't even care anyway." Heidi speeds up her walking.

And Cartman follows. "Did you see Red's face when I pulled up?" Cartman teased.

"No... I was more focused on kissing you. Are you telling me I should've paid attention to her?" Heidi pauses to sigh. "I pay all of my attention to her, and once I don't, that's when she starts acting suspicious?" Heidi slows down and looks at Cartman. "You're joking."

He smiles at the sharp glare he can feel from Heidi. "I guess so." He shrugs.

"Omgggg. Shut up." She tries to be mad, but she's more focused on what happened with Red. "What did she do?"

"Bro, I swear she looked at me like I killed a puppy."

"Liar. That's just how she looks at people."

"But not you?! I'm telling you, she's obsessed." He snorts.

Heidi's face gets redder and redder. "Shut the fuck up."

She calms down for a moment before asking, "Sooo, how did you and Kyle go?"

Now it was Cartman's turn to blush. His cheekbones tinted pink as he said, "Fine. Obviously. I just told him I was gonna be there Friday."

"And he was okay with it?" She turns her head to Cartman.

"Yes? He was like 'fine' and I was like 'I didn't ask you for permission, Jew'"

Heidi sighs. "Well, I guess that's one way." 

She looks to her left. "Isn't this your class, hun?"

"Bruh." He mutters before shaping back up. "Yeah, but I don't wanna see Kyle..." He complains loudly. 

"It'll be okay! It's only 90 minutes." She moves her head up to kiss his forehead. "See you later! Love you~"

"Love you too, babe." He says confidently. But that pride is so quickly deflated, and in fact, he has a pit in his stomach.

He takes a deep breath. "Since when have I had to take deep breaths before fucking biology class?"

"Whatever. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm fine~" He sings in his mind and hymns to himself on his way in, but his heart practically stops when he sees Kyle. Why? Oh, I don't fucking know.

"It's all good, Eric. This is definitely normal. You may be a little sick, but hey. It's alright. You've handled worse."

He learned to talk to himself like this because of South Park Elementary School's retired chef.

Liane used to let really messed-up guys do really messed-up things to him when she drank too much. When they were finished and she sobered up, she would do her best to make him feel better by baking Cartman sweets and buying him presents. It would never help him at all. She would apologise once, if ever, then spoil him the rest of the week. One of the only decent parental figures he has ever had in his life is Chef, from his elementary school. But of course, he had to leave him, too. Anyway, He would comfort Cartman when his own mother wouldn't. After he died, Cartman had taught himself how to comfort himself since nobody could anymore.

He puts on the Cartman Poker Face™ as he walks to sit down. 

"What the fuck are you up to?" He hears a voice from his left.

Fuck. Kyle knows him well. 

"Nothing?" Cartman says, sounding more like a question. "Why?"

Kyle crosses his arms. "You have that stupid look on your face again."

Cartman sits down. "Probably from Heidi" He follows with a giggle. (It only sounds so realistic because he's giggling at the thought of Kyle, not Heidi. But nobody needs to know that.)

"Of course." Kyle rolls his eyes.

"Or maybe cuz I'm trying to lock in. Don't we have that study guide to turn in today?" He put his textbook on the table.

Kyle's expression went blank. "Fuck, that's right. My ass went to bed early last night. Broo." Kyle put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his arms.

"I can help you." That's what Cartman wants to say. "I did it right after I got home, after my flashback about you at KFC." That's what Cartman wants to say. But he can't. That'll only ruin the surprise.

"Sucks for you," Cartman says, resisting a laugh. "If you pay me $20, I'll give you the answers."

"I was not supposed to say that. The fuck's up with me today? Me when bro keeps fumbling (im bro). ME WHEN SHUT UP"

"Hell no? I'd rather take the zero?" He peeks his head up, and all Cartman can see is a few curls and an eye.

"Cute."

"SHUSH."

"Okay. $10."

"THAT WAS EVEN WORSE NOW IT LOOKS LIKE I CARE OMGGGGGGGGG I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY"

"Do you want to help me?" Kyle got up fully now, with an eyebrow up.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Nah. I just need money."

"Good save."

Kyle looked as if he was actually debating it. Then, he saw Mrs. Salm come in, and tensed. "Fucking fine." He snarled.

"HEHEHEH I'm going to regret this."

Cartman slightly tilted his textbook towards him and pulled out his phone. While Kyle was busy sloppily copying the gist of his answers, he didn't notice when Cartman shifted his body away from him. Luckily.

He went to text Heidi. Because this is not cool. He needs to be humbled.

HEIDI

HELP

I FUMBLED

i told him he has to pay 20$ for answers and when he said no i said what about 10$.

IT LOOKS LIKE I WANT TO HELP HIM

He sent that in separate messages. He debates saying 'and its bad because i do' but Heidi does NOT need to know that much.

He leans back over before Kyle can finish. Mrs. Salm is already checking the textbooks on tables in front of them.

"I'll give you the $10 later." Kyle mutters.

"No the fuck you won't, but okay." He would've said more if he weren't so flustered. 

Kyle rolls his eyes and checks his phone. Text from Stan Darsh. That loser.

"Maybe I shouldn't be tryna look at his phone."

They wait in silence for everyone to be checked. Mrs. Salm doesn't say anything to them, only gives them a red stamp with a smile on it.

"Class! We will be going over the study guide. Anyone who didn't complete this already got a zero, so don't think you can fool me." Cartman could feel the relief wash off Kyle shoulders from where he is.

Out of habit, while Cartman looks back at his paper, he shoots the quickest glance at Kyle. "That side profile tho."

She pulls up the answer key on the board. The answer to number one was D. Cartman put C. The answer to number two was A. Cartman put fucking D. He takes his chances with another glance at Kyle, and he's already looking at him.

"HELLO??????"

"You got those wrong. Didn't you." Kyle deadpans.

"You did too, dumbass." Cartman fake smiles. He's good at fake smiling at Kyle because it's always half-real.

Kyle smiles. "Nope. I read the questions and then looked at your answers. A lot of the answers you put are wrong. Check your answers again."

Cartman does. The answers on there now were D and A.

"The fuck? Did you change my answers?" Cartman looks back up at Kyle with the most confused expression.

Kyle gives Cartman a smug smirk. "Yep. J-Just to prove how much smarter I am than you."

"Oh my. God."

Cartman's eyes widened. He could feel his neck tingle a little. "You didn't have to change my precious answers, though." He doesn't know how he got that out so confidently.

"I know." Kyle paused, almost pondered what to say, but it was too quick a pause for that. "But it proves the speed that I can have to get through assignments, too." 

Honestly, dumbest excuse Cartman's ever heard. He'd believe it more if he said 'I just hate seeing incorrect answers', but he doesn't want to make Kyle admit he's wrong. "Fuck you. Shut up." 

"Do I still have to pay you?"

"See, that makes so much more sense." "Yes. Duh."

"Bruh." Mrs. Salm scrolled down to review number three. The answer was B. Cartman's new answer was A. His original answer was B.

"You bitch." Cartman muttered.

"Bro ain't NO way. How did you get it right but not me?" He put one hand on his forehead.

Cartman felt so smart for once. "Ha. Yep. That's what I thought." Cartman said with a smile.

He felt his phone vibrate. He peaked at it from his pocket, it was from Heidi.

Cartman did his face ID and red her texts.

Don't tell me this through texts

We can talk about this later I'm deleting these

"FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THAT"

1:30. You know what that means--Lunchtime!

Today was Cartman's turn to sit with Heidi's friends.

By the time he sat down, all of her friends were already there. Most of them packed their lunches today.

He hates most of Heidi's friends. "They're all backstabbing assholes and all they talk about is their fine shyts. It's so annoying."

Luckily, the worst of them, Bebe, has first lunch with Wendy.

At the table are Heidi, Nichole, and Annie. Annie and Nichole have been getting pretty tight recently, so he doesn't get to hear much outside of the two. And of course Heidi too, but she's... busy.

"Soo... Baby... About biology class..." Heidi starts after another peck.

Cartman twitches an eye. "What about it, sweetie?"

"I saw your texts..." Heidi giggles.

"Bro don't play with me right now. Am I actually cooked?" He sticks his bottom lip out.

Heidi giggles even more. "A little. But you told me later that more happened?"

Cartman's cheeks get visibly pink. "STOP. Oh my god it was so sus you won't believe me."

"I probably won't, but tell anyway." She faces Cartman with her hands in her lap and food in her mouth.

Cartman leans closer to Heidi. "So. You know what I told you, about how I lowered the price to 10?"

"Yes. That was stupid. What in your mind would make you do that?"

"MAN, I DON'T KNOW. It just kinda happened..." Cartman started loudly, but trailed off. 

Heidi saw the pair look at them. She tapped Cartman's knee twice, which has always symbolised to the pair that they have eyes on them. "Well, don't let it happen again, okay?" She said in her sweetest voice. Cartman can't deny that she's good at that.

"I won't..." He says shyly. He thinks it sounds so fake, but it gets the pair to stop paying attention.

"Anywayyyyy, I got my textbook back, right..."

"Yeah."

"And we go over the answers in class, right..."

"Yep!"

"And I was supposed to get the first two wrong. He tells me I did, but to look at my paper again. And all of a sudden, I had the right answers!"

"WHAT...?" Her eyes beam, and she leans forward at Cartman and puts her hands on her thighs.

"RIGHT?? And he had the AUDACITY to say 'haha yeah I did it just to prove I'm so smart and a genius'. I could see the lie in his eyes. Bro is not fooling no one." 

Heidi leans back and taps her index finger on her chin. "Bro, he wants the best for you. He wants you to pass. I swear, there's no other reason he would do all that!" 

"But then he asked if he still had to pay, so..." Cartman adds.

"And? May have done that to throw you off." Heidi winks.

"I don't know anymore. I doubt it." Cartman sighed.

Heidi paused for a second before looking back up at Cartman. 

"I can not do this anymore. This is kinda scary, Kyle will not stop death glaring us." Heidi got out as fast as she could, while maintaining eye contact with someone diagonally across from her.

"Bro you're lying."

"He's getting up. He's going to the bathroom." Her eyes move from her right to her left, to the entrance of the cafeteria.

"BRO DON'T PLAY WITH ME."

"You need to follow him." She looked Cartman dead in the eyes and shook his shoulders.

He looked back. "What the f-- WHY? IS THIS STAGED??"

"No. He wants you to go."

"How do you know that?"

"You'd come to the same conclusion if he looked at you like he did at me."

"Bruh." Cartman sighed as he got up. "Baby, I'm going to run to the bathroom. You wait here for me, okay?"

"Okay! I love you!" She giggled.

"You too, doll." He fake smiled and made his way towards that fuckass bathroom up the hall.

Kyle was washing his hands when he walked in.

"Why are you here bro." Kyle spoke.

"Just happened to need to pee at the same time you did." Cartman shrugged. He knew exactly how to make Kyle talk.

"Whatever." He only stayed quiet for, like, three seconds max. "What do you like so much about Heidi?"

"The fuck you mean?" Cartman cocks his head to Kyle.

"What attracts you to her?"

Cartman pauses for a moment just for dramatic effect, but he'll just say what he used to say in grade school. He won't notice. "She has the shiniest hair. She's smart and I love when she wears her glasses. She has the clearest skin and she's taller than me."

Kyle gives a look that mixes dumbfounded, unconvinced and concentrated. "What about her personality?" He says, laced with venom.

"She's nice to everyone, and she's pretty funny," Cartman says. He begins to turn his body towards the taller man. "Why the fuck do you care?"

"I just feel bad for her. I don't know how she could love you so much."

"Then why not ask her why she loves me?"

Kyle's ears go red, and if he were in a cartoon, steam would be coming out of them. "I also think this is some scheme you're putting her through."

Cartman sighs. "I would argue with you on why the fuck youre wrong, but I have a girlfriend I need to attend to. We're soulmates, how could we even fake it?"

"It seems pretty easy to pull off, especially by you."

"Hehe, he complimented me and he doesn't even know it lol I'm so telling Heidi this" "Dude, I wouldn't play with her like that again. That was, like, so long ago. I can't help that she loves me."

"You fat bastard, do you love her?" He said with anger. Not a hint of sadness or jealousy.

"Sure, I do." He said with certainty. (Spoiler alert: He doesn't.)

Kyle huffed and walked over to Cartman. He got close and jabbed a finger hard into Cartman's chest, just under his-- Heidi's name, and it made him hit the wall behind him right by the hand dryers. "I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, no matter what. You catch that?" Kyle says in a low, quiet voice.

"oH FUCK i cant do TS TODAY TOP 5 LOCKED IN MOMENTS"

"Try me." Cartman replies daringly.

"WRONG ANSWER ERIC"

Kyle gives him the nastiest look before taking his finger back and walking with heavy steps out of the bathroom.

Kyle's POV:

"That BITCH." Kyle sits back down at his lunch table furiously.

Stan sighs. "What Kyle."

"I just took ONE stop at the bathroom, and fucking Cartman FOLLOWED ME! I tried symbolising to his girl to NOT follow me. What the fuck." Kyle says, talking with his hands.

"Why not just ignore him?" Kenny asked.

"Exactly. See, Ken! You are smart sometimes!" Kenny blushes at Stan.

"You wouldn't get it. I asked if he loves Heidi, and he said SURE. Who in hell says SURE?"

Stan looked at Kyle in the eyes. "Kyle, you're looking into this way too much. What they're plotting, if anything, is none of your business. Cartman probably wants your attention."

Kenny cuts in. "He's ragebating you."

Stan claps and points at Kenny. "'Zactly."

Kyle doesn't reply. He doesn't just know what to say. "Maybe I am? But Heidi is either in danger right now or will be in danger in the future when they get married. Oh my days, they better not get married."

"I just... want Heidi to be okay..." Kyle looks down, embarrassed. "But you're probably right. I'll chill out on you guys, sorry."

"Shit man, It's alright." and "Yeah, don't worry about it!" Come out at the same time by Stan and Kenny.

Kyle smiles. "I hope it's alright. Heidi, I mean."

Kyle would get himself lost in his thoughts again, but the bell snapped him right out of it. "Thankkkkk fuck."