Chapter Text
Please wake up
I thought that he was okay, he had trouble sleeping, he had trouble keeping up in class, he had trouble swimming, but…I never thought that this could happen. The relationship I had with Team couldn’t be held down with words. Yes, we slept together, a few times, but I wouldn’t say we’re friends with benefits…at first it was something like that, even though at that time we were just Nong and Phi. We sleep beside each other a lot, it helps him sleeping peacefully and it helps me. I just feel good whenever I know he’s beside me. I thought it could work out with us, I’m still scared to admit to this thought, but I know what it means. I don’t want to accept these feelings, I’m scared of them, I flirt with him, but am not able to actually go for it. I let him down a lot, but he’s the same. He starts something and ends it just there, not even letting one small slit open for those words, feelings, thoughts.
It was right before the tryout for the K-university swimming competition. He had terrible eye bags, it was obvious, but I couldn’t just force him to come to my room. I could…but I don’t want to force him into anything.
We told everyone in the swimming club that training was canceled on this day. No one was supposed to be at the pool. Late in the evening someone went against our words. When I was walking down the place I saw the lights on at the pool, I thought I forgot to turn them off, I hurried inside, because I just wanted to get home, there I saw it. My heart stopped beating, my body stopped moving, I no longer could take a breath. Someone was in the pool and this someone...it was him. My junior, my boy...Team. Without thinking twice my body was moving on its own, I jumped into the pool trying my best to get down to Team. He was drowning, I don't know how or why, he was one of the best swimmer in the club, so why? My brain had too many thoughts, but the loudest was "TEAM", I shouted after I got him out of the pool. He was not answering. "Team!” I shouted again.
Was I too late, it can't be. How long was he in there? How much water did he choke on? I tried to give him first aid. Mouth to mouth, breathing in, breathing out. Pushing down his chest. "Team, please." my heart won't stop beating. "Wake up!". After a while, which felt like hours, he started to breathe again, but there was no response. I took out my phone to call the ambulance, I don't care what consequences I or he had to face, I just need to make sure that Team was okay. After a short time the ambulance arrived, they took him with them. They put him on mechanical ventilators. Something in me broke, everything hurt when I saw Team in the ambulance. Because I was the one who found him, I was allowed to go with them. I took all of Team belongings with me. We needed them later. The paramedics did everything for Team, but I was just in a trance. What just happened? Was that all just a dream? Why won't Team wake up?
We arrived in the hospital and everything just happened too fast. I felt like moving in slow mo, while everything else just moved past me in high speed. They asked me questions, which I answered as good as I could. I told them how I found him, what I did, what happened the days before the accident and then the question came that made me stop breathing. "Did he ever show any sign of suicidal behavior?" I couldn't answer them, I thought. Did he? No, he did not...he was eating a lot, had fun with his friends, at swimming, but did I ever really saw behind this? I thought I knew it all. I thought I was always there, but what about the time he didn't came to me to sleep? What about all the nightmares? What were they about, I never dared to ask. The nurse touched my shoulder. "It's okay if you don't know, it's just a routine question. Please take a seat, we will soon tell you more."
My head was empty. I called Dean, I knew he was with Pharm. Pharm his best friend, did he knew about anything? Would even Dean know? Manow, his other friend. Would they all know about it...just not me? I felt like I was just a small shadow in his life, even if I wanted to be more. I wanted to be the person he thought about first, always. Pharm called me. I told him that we don’t know much yet and we had to wait for the nurse. He wanted to come right away, but I told him not to. It's late and I have to go too soon. I don't want to leave Team here, all alone. I want to stay by his side, holding his hand but seeing him on all those machines...my heart couldn't take it.
A nurse came up to me. "We still need to keep him on the machine, but we hope that he recovers fast. We will keep him for tonight and call you up tomorrow." Without thinking I talked fast. "You don't need to call me. I'll be right here when it's allowed to." The nurse just nod. "If something hap-pens during the night I'll call you, okay?" Her face showed pity. I felt cold. Nothing should happen during the night, except him waking up and asking for food. I nod and walked off, leaving Team belongings in his room.
I couldn't sleep, there was no way I could. I plugged my phone in and looked at it the whole night. What if...something happens? My body was shaking, it was my fault wasn't it? If I was just there for him more. No, I was always there, tried my best to be beside him, so…why? “Team. What made you do this? Was it on purpose? Was it an accident? You have to wake up, tell me a stupid story to make me laugh. Please.” I didn’t even realize it but the night was over. I could see the sun rising, but the phone was still silent. Did I not hear it? Was it out? I grabbed it quick, but everything seemed fine. I sighed. It was time to go back to the hospital.
My thoughts were blank, what If he was still asleep, what If I lost him? I shook my head, no. Every-thing will be good. I entered the hospital and asked for Team. The nurse told me that he was still sleeping, but everything was normal. I was allowed to be with Team. I sat down beside him, just looking at him like that hurt so much. My heart clenched. Team. I took his hand to squeeze it. “Please wake up.”
Pharm came to visit together with Dean and Manow. Pharm and Manow weren’t able to hold it in and shed some tears, while Dean and I were just watching. Dean tried to calm Pharm down. He’s a good boyfriend, better than I will ever be to Team, no I wasn’t even his boyfriend just someone beside him. Time passed and the three of them had to go, I decided to stay, I didn’t care about school or anything. I wanted to be here when he wakes up.
Visiting hours were over, but I refused to leave. With all my charm I asked them if I could stay with him. I wouldn’t do anything, just sitting here and waiting. After some discussion they allowed me to stay. I smiled softly.
The night was difficult. This would be the second sleepless night, but as long as Team is not with me again I can’t just sleep. I still hold his hand, lean my head on it. “Team, I’m here, please wake up.” I talked to him in a soft tone. “No one is angry at you, everyone is waiting, they want to hear your voice again. Don’t let them wait too long, okay? We still need go out to eat. I’ll even allow you your favorite snack.” I tried my best, but he was still breathing softly without any sign of waking up. Against my will I fell asleep, still holding onto Teams hand.
Someone opened the door to the hospital room and touched my shoulder, I woke up in a bit of jump and hoped that Team was finally awake again. As my eyes were focusing on the person lying next to me I let out a sigh. “You should go home for now.” A soft voice spoke to me, my eyes followed the sound and it was a woman who woke me up. “Are you-“I couldn’t really speak, my throat was dry, when was the last time I drank or ate anything? “I’m his mother.” She said while looking with drowsy eyes on her sleeping son. I had to swallow hard.
His mother, what am I supposed to say? How am I going to tell her that I was my fault…wait, was it my fault? “You must be Win, I guess? Team told me about you when he called me. He said that you were really strict but also a good coach, teacher and senior.” She chuckled, trying to hide her sad-ness. I just nod. “Ma’am I…this. Team, he…” I tried my best to form a sentence, but it didn’t work. I never had a problem to talk about things with others, why can’t I do it with Teams mother?
“I already talked to the nurse, when they called me I did everything to get here. I’m sorry for being late.” I shook my head. “No, it’s good that you’re here. I just wish that…that Team could already talk to you.” Teams mother smiled softly and slowly placed her hand on the sleeping Team. “My son. I was not there for you, again.”
I don’t know what she meant with “again”, but the way her voice sounded broke my heart. I could feel the sadness, the anger, the guilt. It was all that I felt. “Ma’am, I-“, “Please go home for now. You look tired, go eat something and sleep some more. Team will wait for you. I’m going to watch over him, okay?” I wanted to protest, how could I just leave him? I need to be here for him, I already failed once, but I just nod and took my things. Before leaving the room completely I looked back to Team and his Mother. She sat down where I previously sat, holding on Teams hand, bringing it to her forehead and sobbing silently.
There was more to all of this or am I just too emotional?