Chapter Text
High school is where the both of you met. He was two years older than you, but that didn’t stop you from forming the strongest friendship in your existence, even though for you sometimes it felt like more than a friendship, but you didn’t stop yourself there, perhaps it was the same for him, you always thought that, it wasn’t out of delusions, it was real, at least for you.
After high school ended, you had to leave your town for university, and that was heartbreaking enough because it meant you wouldn’t be able to see him again, at least until you visited your parents during breaks. That was the plan, but apparently he had another one. After your first year at university, he moved from town as well, permanently. He left nothing, no notes, changed his phone number, and you couldn’t find him again.
That devastated you; you missed him, he was your dearest friend, devoted companion, and most beloved soul. His sudden disappearance ruined you, for him you didn’t even deserve a goodbye. Time passed, nothing changed except for that you got used to the constant depressed feeling until it became your life, and you kept going with it.
Today, it’s been 11 years since the last day you met your sweetheart Loki in high school, and forty eight hours since you met the dark, fat cat, scary Loki. He looked like your Loki, just from the outside.
Your Loki was so sweet, always laughing and always looking at you with loving eyes. Which in the past made you think that he was feeling the same for you. You loved him, and you didn’t know that you did until he left you. And most certainly, he didn’t know that you did or that you would let him know; how would he even know? You thought you were partners in life but he had another thought. You were broken, utterly shattered. That’s why, when you saw him after all of these years, you couldn’t let go.
You were shocked by yourself after meeting him that you still had all of those feelings in you; you thought you forgot about him, moved on, and engrossed yourself in your busy work life but then there you were, your world turned upside down after pumping into him one time in a local pub.
His sudden appearance caused sleepless nights full of tears, hope, and despair. You wanted anything from him. And you were willing to do anything for him just to keep him by your side.
And that was what you did.
Accepting a sexual relationship was the last thing you could ever imagine in your life; your high school self would be horrified, and you wondered if Loki’s high school would feel the same. It was actually shocking when he offered you that. After meeting him again as adults in the capital,
In two months, he made the offer, which wasn’t entirely fast or expected. At first, it stung because you never thought he would ask you such a thing; you were afraid he was seeing you as a whore. But as you looked at his life, there was no woman, no love interest, nothing but business. Perhaps he didn’t want love; he only wanted pleasure. And if that meant that he was desiring you, even in that way only, if anything, it made you feel better.
But you wondered, had he done this before?
You couldn’t let yourself go with it until you knew the answer. You didn’t want to be another woman in the line disposed once used. Upon discussing the matter, at first he gave you a cold reaction, which you calmly bore until he gave you the answer you were desperate for listening, you were his first and only lustful relationship, he never asked a woman such a thing, that was enough for you.
You both were getting closer as time passed, but it wasn’t like the old days—never. He grew up cold; sometimes it felt like he wasn’t even there, mostly staring at the void and puffing out his cigarette. But when he fucked you, he was there—focused, earnest, determined, eyes full of life—and it fascinated you. You understood that life changed him as it did to you too. It’s not like you were the same. In the past, you were cheerful and always bright. Now you were just a lonely woman in her early thirties because you stayed loyal, against your will, to the man who left you behind. nothing to stay cheerful for, wasn’t it?
You just wished he would open up to you more; he was doing his best, that’s what he would always say. He was doing it bit by bit, you didn’t mind, at least you got to know about his days, every single day.
If he didn’t visit, he would call. He would always start by asking about you; you were first and before everything. It always made your heart swell, perhaps he still carried a little bit of your sweet Loki inside him.
And when he visited, he would talk with you until you both fell asleep in the arms of another after having the most mind-blowing, toe-curling, body-shattering sex. You just wanted to know what happened to him. You wanted to know why he left you……
Standing in your apartment that he gave to you on your last birthday. You protested but he insisted on giving it to you, it was lavish. It wasn’t like you didn’t have the money. Friends gave each other apartments as a gift, sure, right? You didn’t want to think much of it, as you didn’t want your hopes to get high after all. No strings attached; that was the rule.
You checked your phone for any messages from him but found nothing. After a minute of thinking you decided to text him before heading to your bed.
‘Are you coming tonight?'. Delivered
He was supposed to be here today; he was supposed to text at least by that time. You were exhausted; it had been a long day at work, you just needed to rest. Taking your phone to bed with you, not before changing your clothes, you waited for him to answer.
Sleep started to take over you, and as you were drifting off, the sound of your phone notification could be heard throughout the room indicating that you had received a message.
‘I will be there by seven’ Loki.
It was still six o'clock; you still had some time to rest, or that was what you thought. With that, you closed your eyes to sleep off your drained mind.
The next time you opened your eyes, you checked your phone, and it was seven and a half. He was supposed to be here, you thought. Uncovering yourself and leaving the warmth of your bed reluctantly, you wandered through your apartment in one of his shirts, in search for him. You headed first to the kitchen for water, on your way out you noticed his dark-haired head resting on the back of the sofa. You sighed before you made your way towards him.
There he was, absentmindedly puffing his cigarette, staring at the void outside the window, in his white shirt and simple black suit pants, the colour matched his hair. At moments like these, you just wished you could rip his skull open and see what was consuming his thoughts.
Instead of ripping his skull open, instead of sitting beside him as you would always do, you decided to sit on him.
Straddling his lap, you sat yourself carefully on his hips. That seemed to pull him out of his thoughts as he moved his gaze towards you. He said nothing, just stared you down with his intense gaze.
“You are late,” you said in a lowered tone,
Not trying to ruin the calmness of your place, specifically with one of your favourite songs playing faintly in the background. You didn’t remember playing the music; perhaps he did. It was interesting that you both had the same music taste.
Slowly, he started rubbing your left thigh with his hand that wasn’t holding the cigarette, making agonisingly slow up and down deliberate strokes. It drove you mad whenever he did that, yet you remained calm, and it was hard.
He hummed and after a minute or two of silence he finally replied, "I was thinking” in a low tone, drifting his gaze towards the window again.
“About what?” You asked, your gaze never leaving his face before lowering it down towards his neck, you wanted to bite him there.
Few moments passed before he spoke again “How was your day?” changing the subject clearly, which made you feel disappointed, but alas, you were used to that, and you knew better than to argue or repeat your question, so you just told him about your day.
As you told him about the boring traffic that he seemed to never get tired of listening about, he lightened a new cigarette. As he was taking a puff you leaned closer and before he could get the smoke out of his mouth you kissed him, sucking all of it into your mouth, breaking the kiss with a little lick to his lower lip.
“I hope you don’t mind sharing your cigarette,” you whispered upon breaking the kiss. You could see his eyes coming back to life as it focused on you.
"Fuck," he breathed. His hand that was stroking your thigh a minute ago stopped to squeeze there firmly. Staring at you he asked, no commanded you to do that again, and you did.
Three cigarettes were down, and it seemed that he wasn’t getting enough, nor were you. Your chest was burning, but you didn’t care; you wanted more of him—his lips kissing yours, his tongue dancing with yours—and the way he kept stroking your thigh and the next minute would be cupping your arse was fueling you more and more. You didn’t want his touches to end, as you always did whenever it started. As you were kissing him, you could feel him growing harder underneath you with each passing moment.
He took a hold of your hair and pulled your head back firmly yet softly. He never hurt you, not in that way. You knew what was to come, but it didn’t stop you from moaning softly as he flattened his tongue on your neck and slowly licked up to your jaw. "Luscious,” he whispered against your skin.
Trailing a path of open-mouthed sensual kisses from your jaw down to your collarbone while still firmly holding your head in place. Your breath was quickening, but it didn’t stop you from asking him again “Would you tell me what were you thinking of?”.
"You," he muttered after what felt like hours but it was merely minutes as he proceeded to relax his hold on your hair as his dexterous fingers slowly and delicately unbuttoned your shirt or his shirt that you were wearing, one button by one.
That made your breath hitch, he was thinking of you? Did he finally get enough of you? you thought but the vivid look in his eyes made the thought fade straight away.
Softly, you whispered, “Me?” barely audible.
Delicately, one finger trailed from under your left breast to your back, creating goosebumps all over your body. He reached back unclasping your bra with his skilled fingers with one hand. With his cigarette in his mouth, leisurely he moved the straps of your bra off your shoulders, humming to your question.
Once your breasts were exposed to the air, your nipples got erected as the cold weather hit you, making goosebumps a-raise more on your skin.
You were in your knickers, with him fully clothed, it made you feel small. And with the words he was saying to you, it made you feel a chill, making you shiver a little.
“What of me Loki?” you asked as he started to stroke your sides, he loved touching your skin, he would do that for hours and it always drove you mad.
Letting his cigarette on the ashtray he replied his voice ever to calm and husky “you terrify me”. You looked at him dumbfounded as you looked at him bewildered with a slight frown on your face, yet you waited for him to continue.
He hesitated at first, as he opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. Brushing your thumb over his lower lip, you looked at him, encouraging him with your eyes to speak, and that seemed to work. After few moments he opened his mouth again, but this time he uttered the words that you never thought you would ever hear from a man, much less him.
“I don’t want my contentment to depend on someone” he replied as he lowered his head and bit on your nipples playfully making you yelp, yet in pleasure.
Grabbing your chin as he raised his head, staring you down intensely he said before pressing his lips vigorously on yours “but I can’t control that“.
He took a hold of your hips bringing you closer to his, you were met with intensity, of his hard wood, making you both moan. “that is why I left before” he continued “you make me lose control”.
Your lips couldn’t form a coherent sentence, you could feel your mind barely functioning, were you dreaming? You just looked at him dumbfounded.
“And it’s so hard to do that again, I can’t do that now isn’t it? specially not now, not after this” his gaze was holding you down making you get lost in him. All you could think of, was him.
“How can I possibly summon the strength to resist the pull of your enchantment when it has seeped into my own soul?” he finally said, and you couldn’t breathe for a second.
You could feel a single tear rolling down your cheek, before you could do anything, you felt his thumb wiping it. Maybe you were dreaming, that was too good to be true, you thought.
He looked at you with slight anger laced with anguish in his eyes, but you were just glad that those icy eyes were giving emotions.
“I am sorry” he muttered stroking your cheek with his thumb.
You closed your eyes and let yourself get comfort from his touch. He was sorry because he wasn’t going to do anything about it, and perhaps he was sorry because he knew that you felt the same about him. But at least he wasn’t going to leave you again, wouldn’t he?
Drawing you into an intimate embrace, he pressed his head against your chest, seeking solace and warmth. His arms encircled your waist with an unwavering grip, pulling you closer, as if afraid to let go.
“I love you but I am lost” he whispered his words as he was caressing your skin.
A tender smile graced your lips in response, a bittersweet blend of love and sorrow in your eyes. Deep within, a storm raged, leaving you feeling desolate, and miserable. Why, you wondered, life was treating you with such a cruelty. Your heart, already broken from the past, broke into more tiny pieces, and the pieces shattered into fragments, each fragments piercing your wounded soul more deeply than the other.
A tender kiss placed itself on the crown of his head and you held him closer to you, and you could feel peace washing over him, as if your very essence had the power to calm the storms that raged within his mind.
He rarely showed vulnerability but you found solace in the fact that you could be his refuge. You were glad to be there to protect him in the shelter of your embrace.
After a while of you listening to his steady breathing, you continued to stroke his back moving to his head every now and then. With an aching heart you spoke, you wanted to tell him ‘I love you too Loki, but I am not lost. The love i have for you is what anchors me. I have loved you forever, since the day I met you, specially the first time you braided my hair, I knew my heart belonged to you. I have loved you through every day afterwards, and i still love you to this very moment. Let us hold into one another while we walk through each and every fear you have until eventually i get to have you as mine and you get to have me as yours’
instead, eyes brimming with unshed tears you opened your mouth and spoke for real this time. “Would you make love to me?”.
That seemed enough for him to move as he raised his head slowly off your chest, with his hands firmly still caging your body he started to lay you down on your back on the sofa, and gently he kissed you.
Moving from your lips to your jaw, to your neck and he kept on placing tender kisses on his way down to your ankle. Your body was flushed, covered in kisses full of love. You could feel your tears falling down from the corner of your eyes, you didn’t even try to stop it. You knew if you told him what you desperately wanted him to hear, it wouldn’t change anything. So, you just shut your mind down and let yourself enjoy the love and pleasure he was giving you.
He was gentle, sweet, and loving, going as far as to whisper sweet nothings between prolonged thrusts. You were so lost, overwhelmed with many emotions.
Hearing him plead pulled you back into focus. Blinking twice, you found his eyes piercing yours. “Please say it” he rasped, breathing heavily. “I know you do” he continued.
With tears blurring your vision again, you cupped his face, thumb caressing his cheekbone “I love you too, Loki” you whispered, barely audible, as if afraid your confession would drive him away even though he is the one who asked for it.
He kissed you again, this time with more passion. He pleaded in whispers between kisses “say it again”. He kept pleading for you to confess your love again, and again and each time you obliged. You got lost in him again as he didn’t stop kissing you, while thrusting so slow inside you, never broke the kiss. Perhaps he was trying to make the kiss reach your heart to mend its broken pieces. You never wanted it to end.
Your bodies, bare, entwined as one, with love spilling from both your lips, ecstasy consumed you both. It was too much, you both came together moaning into each other’s mouths. You didn’t miss his whispered ‘I love you’ as he got consumed by his release, he enchanted it like a prayer.
Resting his forehead on yours, he seemed that he didn’t want to let go, as he placed his head in the crock of your neck, crushing your body with his, snuggling to you, while still remaining buried deep inside of you. It was perfect, you wanted time to stand still.
Resting your head on his, you closed your eyes, pushing every thought in your mind for later, you wanted to enjoy that moment, then you would have your whole life to mourn.
You started to drift off. You were so tired already, it had been an overwhelming day. You started to worry about tomorrow. The Loki in your arms would disappear, perhaps forever, and the cold emotionless Loki would be back.
And most certainly you knew both of you would and had to forget about that night the next morning, but it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t leave you in misery, worse than before. The rule was the rule m; no strings attached.