Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

New Years Day, 2023 ~ Present Day

Jesper scrubbed a hand over his face, unable to avoid glancing at his reflection in Nina's shiny, bathroom mirror. His eyes were puffy, red rimmed, the glisten of tears stained his cheeks. His lip was sore from where he’d been biting it, hand shaking where it gripped the sink.

How did I end up here?

The sound of the New Years Party raged behind him, music and laughter, the countdown was over. The New Year had began. Another one.

Gasping, Jesper threw his head back and closed his eyes, trembling. He wasn’t normally the kind of guy to sob on his own in the bathroom during a party. But he supposed, this was a long time coming.

Considering everything.

It had all started as a joke. It was very, very far from a joke now. But that’s where it had started. Just two boys, barely even teens, slightly tipsy because they weren’t used to drinking. It had turned from a joke into what it was now, something that killed him every single year, that gnawed on his insides like a forgotten monster, that might have just ruined their friendship.

Jesper had never meant for it to go this far, because. Well.

It had started as a joke.

New Years Eve, 2014.

It was everyone’s first New Years Party. Nina’s adoptive parents were out for the night and had stupidly left their fourteen year old daughter in charge.

So. Obviously.

Nina held a party.

It wasn’t a huge one. Just the six of them and a few other friends from their year. Nina had found Alina’s collection of wine and poured it out for them, so Jesper was feeling slightly buzzed. Not drunk, definitely not, but his head felt light and his tongue looser. He felt good.

He felt even better when his best friend sidled up beside him, handing him the rest of his glass with a grimace. Jesper grinned, “what’s up Wy?” he called over the music, slinging an arm around his shoulder. Wylan tucked himself into his side, glaring at the room. “Its very loud,” he grumbled, shaking his head until red curls fell into his eyes.

“It’s a party! It’s supposed to be loud sunshine.”

Wylan shoved his elbow into Jesper’s side, sniggering when he wheezed.

The room was alight with bright, flickering lights of blue and purple, the blinding white timer on Nina’s laptop screen, and Jesper felt thoroughly alive. The music was coursing through his body like a live hot wire, sparking through his veins until he wondered if he just might explode from the force of it.

Tilting his head so he could speak directly into Wylan’s ear, he said gently, “do you want to go home? I can call my Da to pick us up.”

Wylan looked up at him for a moment, eyes devastatingly blue in the glow of Nina’s LEDs. “No its okay,” he said slowly, “I wanna stay for the countdown.”

Jesper snorted, “why, is there some girl you want to kiss?” Wylan only wrinkled his nose until Jesper laughed under his breath. Then Jesper’s grin dropped, as he watched the countdown to New Years reach the final minute. “Oh saints,” he muttered, and Wylan frowned, “we’re gonna be the only two idiots without anyone to kiss on New Years!”

Wylan looked around, having also spotted everyone dividing themselves into pairs. “Oh that’ll be embarrassing—hey is Nina going up to Inej?” Jesper craned his neck to see, spotting Nina slinging her arm around Inej’s shoulders and yell something over the music. “I thought she was busy mooning over that Fjerdan hunk,” Jesper mused, catching the eye of a very murderous looking Kaz lurking behind them.

He felt Wylan’s curls tickle his neck as the other moved just before he was being poked in the side again. He heard Anika scream ’30 seconds’ as the music was lowered slightly.

“What’s up?” he asked, ducking his head to hear him amongst the cheers.

“Kiss me.”

Jesper blinked. “What?” He pulled back enough to see Wylan properly, expecting him to be laughing like it was a joke but instead his face was dead serious.“It’s just for fun,” he said brightly, inching closer, “Nina and Inej are doing it, and we both know who they’ve set their eyes on.”

Jesper snorted, glancing back over at Kaz.

“10!” The room screamed, and Jesper looked back at Wylan. His blue eyes were bright, his smile wide, the dusting of freckles over his face almost glittered.

“Did Nina put make up on you?”

“9!”

“What?”

“8!”

“Nevermind,” Jesper shook his head, grinning, “I’ll kiss you, alright.”

“7!”

Wylan beamed. “Should I be offended it took you so long to consider?” He teased, turning to face Jesper properly.

“6!”

Jesper snorted, “no but you should be honoured that I get to be your first kiss.”

“5!”

“Shut up or I’ll take it back,” Wylan scolded, shoving him gently.

“4!”

Jesper couldn’t help grinning, pulling Wylan closer with his hands on his waist. He couldn’t remember what happened to his drink.

“3!”

Adrenaline was coursing through him, his hands trembling ever so slightly as he stared into Wylan’s bright blue eyes. Oh this was happening. He was going to kiss his best friend. He felt excited.

“2!”

“Oh I have no idea what I’m doing,” Wylan complained under his breath, looking nervous for the first time.

“1!”

“Neither do I,” Jesper assured him, before he ducked his head and kissed him.

He fucking missed.

Wylan pulled away with a bright laugh, even as everyone else kissed, even as Jesper’s cheeks flamed with embarrassment.

“Jesper!”

“Shut up.”

Wylan laughed even louder when Jesper grabbed him and ruffled his hair, starting to laugh alongside him. “How did you only manage to kiss a corner—”

“Shut up or I’ll kiss you again.”

“You’ll have to aim for that to work,” Wylan giggled, struggling against Jesper’s grip, and Jesper groaned in embarrassment. Wylan was going to hold this against him for the rest of his life.

Jesper’s first kiss was when he was fourteen at a New Years party, kissing his thirteen year old best friend.

And if the next day, Jesper pulled up Google and searched ‘what does it mean if I kissed a boy and I liked it?’ well. That was for Jesper to know and Jesper alone.

New Years Eve, 2015

Nina was hosting the party again.

Jesper still didn’t know how she’d managed to get away with it last year, especially considering the mess that he and his friends had tried to clean up, but he suspected Genya had something to do with it.

Nevertheless, they were here again, the six of them sitting in a circle with a drink in each of their hands.

Wylan was looking uncharacteristically nervous from where he was sat beside Jesper, hunched in on himself and playing with the sleeve of his denim jacket. It was Jesper’s jacket that had been shrunk in the wash –or he just grew too tall—and while he did love wearing it cropped, he thought it looked that bit better on Wylan.

Really made his eyes pop.

He nudged Wylan with his elbow, sending him a small smile that was immediately returned. “You alright?” he asked under his breath, just loud enough for only the two of them to hear. Wylan nodded, taking a sip of his drink, “yeah, you?”

“I’m right as rain sunshine,” Jesper said with a grin, feeling pleased when Wylan had to turn his face away with a laugh.

He turned back to the others, attempting to focus in on the conversation once more –something about comparing Ravka’s cuisine to Kerch—but Wylan was ever present in his peripheral, chewing his nails and fidgeting, looking more and more nervous.

He put down his drink.

“How long we got till midnight?” he asked suddenly, interrupting the conversation. Nina looked away, squinting at her laptop that was set up on the counter. “Uh, about five minutes.” She said finally. Jesper grinned, “cool, I’ll see ye in five, let’s go merchling.”

Wylan blinked, “what?”

Reaching down, Jesper pried his drink out of his hand and pulled him up, steadying him with a hand on his shoulder when he stumbled. “Fancy a dance?” he asked smoothly, winking.

Wylan wavered, “I’m not sure—”

Jesper just tugged him forward anyway, pulling him onto the relatively crowded “dancefloor” –which was really just the sitting room with all the couches shoved in the corner. There was enough people on there that Jesper didn’t feel exposed but it wasn’t clustered. “Come on,” he insisted, “you need to relax, have a bit of fun.”

Wylan didn’t look convinced, “but—”

“—It’s my favourite song,” Jesper lied, and although Wylan raised a questioning eyebrow, he conceded.

Their dance was clumsy, considering Jesper had no idea how to and Wylan was ineffectively trying to remember his minuet lessons from years ago. But it was fun and that was all that mattered. Wylan laughed when Jesper spun him in a circle and yelped in surprise when he dipped him without warning. He watched as all the apprehension and worry seemed to drain from Wylan, his face brightening instead with giddy joy.

He was so caught up in keeping that blinding smile on Wylan’s face that he completely forgot about it being New Years, shoved back into focus with the rooms collective scream of “10!”

They both stilled, Wylan’s shoulders still shaking with laughter. “You’ll have to kiss me again,” Wylan said, stumbling into him.

“Oh hell no—” Jesper began but Wylan cut in swiftly, face flushed red, “—come on! You have to prove that you can actually kiss me properly this time.”

“9!”

Jesper groaned, inciting another laugh from Wylan, “will you ever let that go?” he complained, cheeks flushing with the remembered embarrassment.

“8!”

“Never!” Wylan giggled, grabbing hold of Jesper’s biceps with his warm hands, “not unless you kiss me now.”

“7!”

Jesper rolled his eyes, unable to prevent the laugh from escaping him. He was always so giddy around Wylan, he had been since they’d met.

“6!”

“Do you really want to look sad and bitchless on New Years?” Wylan challenged, arching a perfect eyebrow.

“5!”

Jesper spluttered, “I’m not sad and bitchless!”

“4!”

“Come on, come on, come on!” Wylan pleaded, puckering his lips with barely contained laughter, face as red as Jesper’s button up.

“3!”

“What are you doing?” Jesper laughed, almost stumbling into Wylan’s space.

“2!”

Wylan pulled him forwards with the grip on his biceps, “kiss me Fahey!” he shouted, his breath wafting against Jesper’s lips.

“1!”

“Fine!” With laughter bubbling up his throat, Jesper grabbed Wylan’s face with both hands and smashed their lips together, drowning out the cheers that surrounded them.

They broke apart in peals of laughter, with Wylan’s face still as red as ever and Jesper’s burning up like a flame. “Was that better?” he shouted, grabbing hold of Wylan’s shoulder to stabilise himself.

Wylan nodded, giggling, “it was satisfactory,” he said with a snort.

“Satisfactory—come here you fucker!”

Wylan squeaked when Jesper grabbed him, squirming in his grip when Jesper attacked his ticklish sides. “Wait, wait, wait,” he gasped, tapping Jesper’s bicep, “I have something to tell you.”

Jesper paused, “what is it?”

“I’m—” Wylan hesitated and Jesper quickly let him go, letting him turn around to face him. His blue eyes were as wide as ever, the lines of his face nervous, but his jaw was set and steely determination flashed in those eyes. All around them, the room was erupting into cheers and songs, the New Year among them, and above all that noise, Wylan shouted, “I’m gay!”

Jesper grinned, “cool!” he shouted back, “I’m bi!”

Wylan blinked, then snorted, “I know, you told me that already, dumbass.”

Rolling his eyes, Jesper wrapped Wylan up in his arms and pulled him into a hug. “I’m proud of you,” he said softly, directly into his ear, and Wylan hugged him tighter.

When they pulled away, Jesper kept hold of Wylan’s hands, small and just a little bit sweaty. “Did you tell the others?”

Wylan shook his head.

Squeezing his hands, Jesper asked softly, “do you want to?”

Wylan nodded, “Yeah. I was going to earlier but I kept overthinking it...” he laughed slightly under his breath, “I know it’s stupid.”

“It’s never stupid Wylan,” Jesper said softly, gently tugging Wylan to follow him off the dancefloor. Wylan just jogged to catch up, smiling once again.

That was the year Wylan got his first boyfriend, in March of all months.

“You what?” Jesper half yelled down the phone, elbows deep in hot soapy water as he washed the pile of dishes he’d meant to do yesterday.

Wylan giggled, “I got a boyfriend!”

“When? How? Who? What?”

He heard Wylan snort from the other line, “I think that’s all of them Jes.”

Rolling his eyes, Jesper placed the clean dish on the drying rack with far more force then necessary, “Wy—lan!”

“Right, sorry.” Wylan cleared his throat and Jesper tried to imagine how much his best friend was likely blushing. “I uh—okay. Um. You know Kuwei?”

Jesper blinked. “Kuwei Yul-Bo? The guy in my metalworking class? The one who nearly set the kitchens on fire back in first year? That Kuwei?”

“Listen—” Wylan said, and Jesper started laughing. “Jesper,” Wylan complained, “no—stop. I will hang up on you.”

“Alright, alright, I’m listening,” Jesper said, rolling his lips to silence his laughter.

Wylan cleared his throat again. “Basically, our father’s knew each other so we used to hang out a lot as kids, but we lost contact when I moved in with my mother.”

Jesper was nodding along as he scrubbed the next plate, despite knowing Wylan couldn’t see him.

“And uh, well he’s in my chemistry and art class this year, and we kind of got to talking again and uh. Yeah.” He finished, something rustling on the other side.

Jesper tutted, “I can’t believe this is the first I’m hearing of this, I didn’t even know you had a crush on him!”

“I told you!” Wylan defended, “I told you all the time!”

Jesper snorted. “No, you asked me really vague questions like ‘how do you know if someone likes you back?’ or ‘Jes how do you flirt with someone?’. Google exists, Wylan.”

“I don’t know why I even asked you, its not like you have experience,” Wylan grumbled.

“Hey now,” Jesper scolded, waving his sopping spatula in the direction of his phone, “let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

Wylan’s laugh sounded tinny when coming through the phone, but Jesper grinned anyway. “I’m happy for you though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you deserve it.”

There was a silence for a long moment, the only noise being the dishes clanking in the sink and something rustling on the phone. Wylan was probably drawing.

Then, “thanks Jes,” Wylan said softly, almost serious.

Jesper smiled, “anytime sunshine.”

Wylan’s groan of annoyance and Jesper’s gleeful laugh was just about enough to distract from the slight twist in his gut.

New Years Eve, 2016

“Alina is home tonight so please don’t go too crazy guys,” Nina announced with a huff, hurling a bag of snacks at each of them. Apparently Alina and Genya had decided that two parties in a row was two parties too much. Without supervision, anyway.

“I’m sixteen!” Nina whined, throwing herself down beside Matthias, “you’d think they’d have more trust in me by now!”

Jesper refrained from mentioning that fourteen had been a very lucky age to be able to host a party.

“Yeah but last year Pim got too high on those edibles Rotty brought and smashed a whole cabinet of plates trying to juggle them,” Inej reminded her gently.

Jesper snorted, Nina pouted, and Wylan—

Well. Wylan was busy hanging off his boyfriends every word to have heard any of that conversation.

“Pass me a can of coke will you Kuwei,” Jesper asked, reaching out and making grabby motions with one hand. His rings flashed with the movement, and Jesper found himself smiling. He’d only recently started to experiment with jewellery, and he’d found rings to be his favourite so far. Especially the big chunky ones with some sort of stone set into them. Inej had once told him that he could make a living making and designing rings, if he wanted, and while he’d scoffed at the time, sometimes Jesper was able to think ‘that’s not so bad actually.’

Kuwei passed him the coke with a smile, arm still looped around Wylan’s shoulder. Jesper had to tear his eyes away.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like Kuwei. He liked him a lot, actually. They were partners in their metalworking class and they worked well together, and Kuwei was fun to be around. He could see why Wylan was dating him.

It was just—

He was always around now.

It was almost impossible to get a moment to hang out with his best friend without inevitably turning into a third wheel. A seventh wheel sometimes, when they all hung out, because everyone else in their friendgroup seemed hopelessly oblivious to their own love lives.

And Jesper was, quite frankly, sick of it.

He watched as his friends all returned to their conversations, feeling distinctly left out. Wylan and Kuwei had returned to their soft discussion, Nina and Inej were choosing on the next movie they should watch meanwhile Matthias and Kaz were arguing over who’s religion was more absurd.

Jesper was personally voting for the Kerch. It seemed much cooler to worship a tree then money.

It’s not just money, it’s trade and business as a whole, Wylan would argue hotly, but when Jesper went to nudge him into the conversation, he paused. Wylan was snuggled into Kuwei’s side, his head resting on his shoulder and a soft blush over his cheeks.

Jesper sighed.

It seemed cruel to disturb him.

“I’m gonna get some ice,” Jesper muttered to the circle of six people, standing up before anyone could respond. He caught Wylan’s eye as he moved away, and sent him a small smile to ease the worried furrow of his brows.

He was lonely.

Objectively, Jesper knew it was his fault that he was lonely. Romance didn’t come to him the same way it did for the others. Nina had dated boys and girls before, Wylan had a boyfriend now, Kaz and Inej were Kaz and Inej. Even Matthias was besotted with Nina.

For Jesper...

He saw a pretty girl and a pretty boy and he’d smile and wink and flirt and that would be that. He knew that he did someday want a relationship, that he craved the idea of loving someone and being loved back.

He just—

He needed a couple extra steps. That was all.

You know there is a label for that, Nina would say, and Jesper did know that really. He was just fine without one—for now anyway—while he figured out exactly how he felt.

Sexuality, huh? He thought with a snort, bending over to rifle through the freezer. Why the was there so many prawns?

While he was shoulder deep in the freezer, he heard the timer going off and Nina and Kuwei’s excited shout.

“Fahey get your ass over here!” Nina yelled over the sound of Inej, Wylan and Kuwei chanting.

“Give me a minute darling,” he called back, voice muffled by the freezer, triumphantly finding the bag of ice.

“3!”

Jesper straightened and slammed the door shut with his hip.

“2!”

His hands fumbled with the packet and it slipped from his grip onto the floor. Jesper snatched it back up with a curse.

“1!”

Armed with the ice, Jesper spun around on his heel to face the others, and froze.

He watched as Nina kissed Inej on the cheek with an exaggerated smack of lips before she jumped on a very surprised Matthias. He watched Inej gently take hold of Kaz’s wrist and press a kiss to the back of his gloved hand. They maintained eye contact the whole time, to the point Jesper felt like he was intruding just by being there. He watched Wylan cup his boyfriends face and push up onto his knees to kiss him, not quite straddling him but not far off.

He blinked.

Saints, everyone was just pairing off weren’t they?

“Save some room for Sankt Emerens!” Alina yelled suddenly, startling everyone apart. Jesper turned to see Alina poking her head through the door, smiling knowingly at everyone. “Since when is Jesper the sensible one of you lot?”

Jesper held up his prize sheepishly, “I just wanted some ice.”

Alina rolled her eyes, made an ‘I’m watching you’ motion with her hand before disappearing back upstairs.

Jesper slipped back into spot between Wylan and the arm of the couch, smirking at everyone. “What, I leave for like two seconds and everyone’s making out?”

Nina flashed her middle finger at him, still draped halfway over a blushing and shell shocked Matthias, “shut it Fahey, we all know you’re just jealous.”

Jesper wrinkled his nose, “jealous? Oh hell no. Although...” He rolled his head along the back of the couch cushions to face Wylan, “I am a bit miffed that someone forgot the bro code.”

Wylan’s brows furrowed in confusion, “bro code?”

“Yes, the bro code. You know, bro’s before hoes, best friend solidarity new year tradition-- thing. You know.” He waggled his eyebrows as if anything he just said made any sense.

Wylan just blinked at him for a moment, face blank, before realisation dawned on him and he groaned, whacking Jesper on the shoulder. “You’re so dramatic!”

“I am not dramatic!” Jesper defended himself rather dramatically, “you forgot about our tradition!”

Kuwei glanced between them with raised brows, “am I missing something?”

Jesper opened his mouth to speak but Wylan cut across him, “ignore him, he’s an idiot.”

“Hey!”

“We have a tradition where we kiss on New Years to save him—”

“—us—”

“—from looking all sad and bitchless.”

Jesper rolled his eyes, but he was smiling to let Wylan know he wasn’t really annoyed, “and now that you’re all happy and got a bitch, bye bye to all the JesperWylan traditions!”

Kuwei looked far too pleased at being called Wylan’s bitch even as Wylan threw his eyes to the heavens. “Ugh, come here you infuriating bastard.” He grabbed hold of Jesper’s collar and pulled him close enough to leave a kiss on his cheek. “There, happy now?”

Jesper tutted, “you missed, darling,” he teased, puckering his lips. Wylan shoved him. Kuwei laughed. Kaz told them all to shut up. And that was that.

It was March again, when Jesper got the call. It was always fucking March.

The first thing he heard when he answered Wylan’s call, reclined in his bed and throwing his ball against the ceiling, was a choked sob.

Jesper sat up immediately, the ball bounced off the ceiling and crashed into his desk. “Wy? Wylan what’s wrong? Talk to me sunshine.”

Wylan sucked in a breath, the noise shaky and threatening to tear Jesper’s heart out. “Kuwei—we—uh—” he heard a muffled squeak, a sound that he’d come to recognise as Wylan biting his hand mid sob.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said softly, swinging his legs over the side of his bed, “you’re okay, I’m here.”

Wylan pulled in another shuddering breath before saying quickly, “we broke up.”

Jesper blinked. “Shit,” he breathed without thinking, mouth always moving faster then his mind ever could.

He heard Wylan release a shaky, humourless, “Yeah, shit,” before his voice broke again with a gasp.

Feeling utterly helpless, hands itching with the need to hug his best friend, Jesper stood up and started shoving his feet into his shoes, balancing his phone between his ear and his shoulder. “Talk to me sunshine, what happened? Do I need to punch a bitch? Because I will, I’m a farmer.”

Wylan laughed wetly, “no its okay. I broke up with him.”

“Oh.” Jesper was half hopping on one foot as he tugged his boot past his heel. Stupid bony ankles.

“Yeah,” Wylan sniffed, “I don’t even know why I’m crying, I’m so selfish, it was my decision to break up.”

“You’re not selfish love,” Jesper murmured, picking his phone up properly and taking the stairs downstairs two at a time.

“I just—I like Kuwei, and he didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just a very different person then I was last year and—I don’t know. It didn’t feel the same.”

Jesper paused in the kitchen to scribble a note for his Da, having to rifle through the cabinets for a pen. “There’s nothing wrong with that Wy. If it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out.” He could feel Wylan about to object so he interjected hurriedly, “it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t feel like absolute shit, because it will. But you’re not selfish to recognise that a relationship you wanted a year ago doesn’t suit you now.”

Wylan was silent, bar the odd sniffle or hiccup, and Jesper succeeded in locating a pen. “Did you enjoy the time you had together?” he asked gently.

“Yeah,” Wylan sniffed, “I really did.”

“Then that’s all that matters love.”

He pulled on his jacket and slipped out the door, patting his pockets to double check he had his keys and wallet. “Are you home?”

“Uh—yeah of course. Why?”

“Good.” Jesper set off at a brisk walk towards the nearest bus stop. “I’m coming over, how do you feel about some hot chocolate and Spiderman?”

He heard Wylan half sob into the phone at Jesper’s words and he quickened his step. “...And brownies?” Wylan asked softly, barely anything above a whisper.

Jesper smiled, “of course Wy, anything you need.”

He didn’t hang up the phone once, not until Marya opened the door and sent him upstairs with a slightly worried pinch to her brows, not until Wylan flung himself at him the second he entered his room.

Jesper held Wylan as he cried, watching all the Spiderman movies on his tiny laptop and stroking his back in an attempt to comfort him. He'd never been very good at the whole comforting thing, but it was Wylan. His best friend Wylan, and Jesper would do anything in the world to try and make him smile.

"Thanks Jes," Wylan mumbled into his chest, still clutching Jesper as the lay snuggled on the bed. Jesper smiled, squeezing Wylan's shoulder tighter, "anytime sunshine."

Wylan shoved him lightly, and Jesper allowed a tiny huff of a laugh to escape him. 

Anytime.

Chapter Text

New Years Eve, 2017

Jesper glared down at his phone.

His girlfriend had broken up with him two weeks ago, she hadn’t messaged him since, and yet for some reason here he was, tucked away in a corner on New Years Eve expecting her to reply to his happy new years! message.

It wasn’t that he wanted to get back together with her, they’d both felt the end coming long before she’d finally sent him that message, but he just wasn’t used to this.

This being after spending seven months of fun and laughter with someone, just pure radio silence.

“Are you moping?”

Jesper jumped, hurriedly shoving his phone back into his pocket, “I’m not moping,” he said quickly.

Wylan raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh, sure you’re not.”

“I just really like corners, you know,” Jesper said easily, leaning his shoulder against the wall with feigned nonchalance.

Wylan looked very convinced.

But thankfully, he didn’t question Jesper any further, instead he slid in beside him and leaned his back against the wall, foot bouncing to the tune of the music. Jesper cocked his head, “didn’t place you as an Arctic Monkeys fan.”

Wylan smiled up at him, “oh I’m not, I just know this song off by heart from all the times you blare it off Spotify.”

Jesper ducked his head sheepishly, he did listen to Florescent Adolescent a bit too much.

“It’s fine.” Wylan huffed a little then, “it’s fun watching you sing off key so confidently.”

Jesper shoved him.

Unperturbed, Wylan just laughed lightly and caught hold of Jesper’s wrist, gently attempting to tug him out of his corner. “Come on, this party is sorely missing its cowboy.”

This year, Nina had decided to make the New Years Party more entertaining and had demanded everybody wear a costume. Jesper, naturally, had forgotten all about it until the night before and had to scramble together an outfit from a mixture of his Farming clothes and his denim jacket that he’d ripped the sleeves off last month. He’d even robbed his father’s stenson hat and his mothers –empty—revolvers.

Wylan, the organized little skiv, was wearing a highly accurate, infuriatingly cool pirate costume, complete with the hat and sword. Inej gave me the sword, Wylan had said and Jesper chose not to think too much about it.

Jesper followed him without too much hesitation, eyeing Wylan’s long swishy coat with a frown.

“Is that my jacket?” Jesper asked as soon as they reached the kitchen where Nina and Inej were mixing drinks. Wylan’s red flush was answer enough, and Jesper barked out a laugh. He’d been looking for that jacket for months.

Nina looked up as they entered, dressed as a witch that left very little to the imagination. “You got him to stop moping?” she asked, ignoring Jesper’s gasp of betrayal. “For now, anyway,” Wylan responded with a smug smile.

Jesper rolled his eyes, little shit, and gladly accepted a glass of something from Inej. He eyed her costume appreciatively, “nice spiderwoman ‘Nej.”

Inej smiled, looking down at herself. She’d done her own spin on the classic Spider Gwen suit, dying it black, purple and dark grey over the white, pink and blue. “I’m a spiderwraith now,” she said, eyes sparkling and Jesper snorted, full of so much love for his friends. “Where are the other two?” he asked the room at large. Inej flushed, ducking her head and Nina grinned wickedly, leaning across the counter. “Matty is giving him the ol’ shovel talk.”

Jesper blinked, lost. Wylan evidently came to the conclusion half a second before he did, gasping out an “Inej he didn’t?”

When she nodded, cheeks darkened, it finally struck him. He grinned, swivelling to face Nina with an outstretched palm. “Pay up bitch!” he cried gleefully.

Nina groaned, but she snatched up her phone and tapped on it, fake nails clicking against the screen like mini tap dancers. Jesper’s phone pinged the next second but he didn’t bother checking it, already knowing she’d sent him his fifty quid.

“I knew he’d copy Matthias and ask you out on New Years,” he told Inej smugly, giving her a one armed hug once Wylan finally released her.

“Everybody’s pairing up now, how cliché of us,” Wylan said with a playful roll of his eyes, downing his drink. Jesper snorted into own glass, “Everyone except us, you mean.”

“In your dreams, Fahey,” Wylan deadpanned.

Jesper leaned back against the counter and grinned over at him, “oh everynight darling.” He winked and Wylan threw him the middle finger.

The conversation moved on soon after, and Jesper allowed himself to get lost in the music and lights and the happy buzz in his veins from the alcohol. Wylan had moved over until their sides were pressed together and Jesper was glad of that point of contact. It helped to ground him in the moment, even more so when Wylan allowed him to fidget with the charm bracelet around his freckled wrist.

There was six charms, one for each of them, and Jesper kept circling the flat of his thumb over the silver gun that represented him.

“I think I’m demiromantic,” Jesper said suddenly startling Wylan out of his own thoughts.

“Yeah?”

He nodded. “Yeah.” He sucked in a breath, letting his fingers skim over to Inej’s tiny knife charm, “I think that’s why it didn’t work out between us. I like her, I like her a lot, but I don’t know.” He gestured uselessly with his free hand, “it was like I needed an extra couple of steps, some more time maybe, before I could return what she felt for me.”

Jesper could feel Wylan’s eyes on him the whole time, and he swallowed nervously. He didn’t do well with silences.

“That’s okay, Jesper,” Wylan said finally, “you know that’s okay, yeah?”

Jesper nodded, turning his head to smile down at him gratefully, “Yeah, I do. At least in here anyway.” He tapped his chest with the pads of two fingers. “Up there? Depends on the day.”

Wylan leaned his head against Jesper’s shoulder, grasping his hand and giving it a squeeze. “Thank you for telling me,” he murmured, “I’m proud of you.”

Jesper blinked hurriedly, feeling something pricking the backs of his eyes. I’m proud of you. That was all Jesper wanted of people, really.

Their small, silent moment was interrupted suddenly by Nina shrieking excitedly, “the countdown is nearly here!”

Wylan rolled his eyes, straightening, “you’d think she’d get less excited each year,” he mumbled, and Jesper snorted. “It’s Nina, what do you expect?”

“True.”

Wylan poked Jesper’s side, “hey I’m bitchless too this time, you don’t have an excuse to mope again.”

“10!”

“I do not mope!” Jesper cried, exasperated.

“9!”

Wylan sniggered, “oh you mope so much.”

“8!”

“I’ll show you moping,” Jesper grumbled half heartedly, grabbing hold of Wylan’s bright red neckerchief and pulled him closer until he stumbled into his chest with a squeak.

“7!”

Wylan’s cheeks flushed with mortification even as Jesper’s brows shut up. “Well that was interesting—”

“6!”

“—Shut up.” Wylan snapped, cheeks blooming an even brighter shade of red then said neckerchief.

“5!”

Reaching up with his spare hand, Jesper swapped their hats, soaking up the way Wylan giggled.

“4!”

“Do you promise to actually aim this time?” Wylan asked cheekily.

“3!”

“All saints and your Aunt Eva,” Jesper groaned, “will you ever let that go?”

“2!”

Wylan only looked up at him through his lashes, smirking, “why don’t you make me?”

“1!”

“Oh I’ll make you alright,” Jesper muttered, using his grip on the neckerchief to tug Wylan even closer so he could capture his lips properly. The room erupted into cheers as everyone celebrated the New Year, but to Jesper the sound came to him like through water.

On the spur of the moment, Jesper dipped Wylan like all those actors on stage, laughing against his lips when Wylan gasped in surprise. They broke apart with laughter blooming between them, Wylan’s—well Jesper’s—hat falling onto the ground.

“Let me up, you dork,” Wylan giggled, stumbling once more when Jesper pulled him up far too quick.

“Falling for me already, darling?” he teased, and Wylan shoved him gently.

Jesper stooped and snatched the Stenson hat up again, plopping it back onto Wylan’s head with a flourish. “There,” he said, tilting his own –Wylan’s—pirate hat so that it sat on his head crooked.

“You look ridiculous,” Wylan stated.

“And yet you couldn’t pull it off, sunshine.”

Jesper looped his arm around Wylan’s shoulder even as his best friend spluttered, steering him in the direction of Matthias’ hulking figure.

Their hats stayed swapped for the rest of the night, and Jesper couldn’t help but think how much his Da’s old Stenson hat suited him.

New Years Eve, 2018

It was New Years, and Jesper had lost his best friend.

They’d arrived together, but one of Jesper’s new college classmates had dragged him away to sit down at a game of 3 Man Bramble as soon as he’d stepped foot in the door. Wylan hadn’t seemed to mind, saying he wanted to say hi to Inej and they’d meet up after the game.

Well, it was after the game, and Jesper couldn’t find him.

Weaving past the people on the dance floor and waving to any familiar face, Jesper scanned the jostling crowd for a glimpse of curly red hair and a bright blue blazer. They’d gone for matching, inverted colours, with Jesper wearing a green suit and blue shirt and Wylan with the opposite. They’d found them in a charity shop at stupid o’clock in the morning and Jesper had treasured his set dearly.

Where was he? He was beginning to find out that parties weren’t half as fun when he didn’t have his best friend snarking in his ear.

Maybe I should’ve accepted that offer of another round, he thought, sticking his head out the door and checking if Wylan was outside. He’d both texted and rang him, but Jesper was yet to get an answer.

Jesper gently pushed past the swarm of people collected in the centre of the room, cheering and some already counting down even though there still was about three minutes left.

His first college party, a college New Years Party even, and Jesper couldn’t even spend the countdown with his best friend.

It was a crazy thing to think of. Him. Jesper Fahey. In college. He’d taken an agricultural class to please his father, even though he knew that he had little interest in it. But Colm had just looked so happy that Jesper felt sick to the stomach at the thought of letting him down.

Just as he had began to give up on finding Wylan, just as the clock hit its last minute, he spotted a glimpse of bright red and the sound of a bubbling laughter.

“Nina!” he yelled over the cheers, shoving himself over to where Nina was dancing with Matthias. Nina cheered when he approached, but Jesper only hugged her half heartedly, “where’s Wylan?” he panted, looking around.

“That’s it? Not even a hello for your—”

“—Nina.”

“Fine. He was in the kitchen a few minutes ago,” Nina relented with a sigh, shoving him in that direction. With the sound of thirty seconds ringing in his ears, Jesper took off into the kitchen, barely sticking around long enough to properly register Nina’s sudden, sharp intake of breath and the shout of “Jesper wait—”

All Jesper knew was that he wanted to cross into the New Year with his best friend and he was not missing their yearly tradition.

Forcing his way through all the people who’d ultimately decided to spend their New Years in the kitchen for some reason, Jesper bounced up on the balls of his feet to peer over their heads.

“10!”

Just as he was tempted to give up, once again, there was a flash of red hair from right at the back of the room.

“9!”

“Wylan!” he cried, pushing past people again.

“8!”

He lost him almost as quickly as he’d found him, lost to music and laughter and bright, pulsing lights.

“7!”

“Nina needs to invite less fucking people –excuse me please,” Jesper muttered, attempting to squeeze past all the people pairing up for their New Years kiss.

“6!”

Call him greedy or selfish, but Jesper wanted his kiss this year again.

“5!”

He tapped Anika on the shoulder, ignoring her angry glare when she had to look away from her girlfriend , “where’s Wylan?” She rolled her eyes, gesturing carelessly over her shoulder and ignoring his hurried thanks.

“4!”

Another flash of red hair, another cry of “Wylan!”

“3!”

Someone stepped back suddenly, colliding with Jesper just as he put on another burst of speed, whatever was in their red cup sloshing all over his outfit.

“2!”

“Oh shit man, I’m sorry,” the person slurred, awkwardly patting at Jesper’s chest. Jesper peered over their head, “it’s fine,” he said distractedly, searching once more until—

“1!”

Oh.

He’d found Wylan.

More specifically, he’d found Wylan pressed up against Nina and Inej’s rented countertop, arms looped around someone else’s neck and—

Oh.

Jesper felt himself stumble back slightly, tuning out the sounds of the drunken person attempting to mop up his clothes.

Wylan was kissing someone else.

Which was—

Oh.

“D’ya have a change of clothes?” the person asked, frowning at his jacket. Jesper blinked, feeling like the whole world was being pulled out from under him, feeling horribly off kilter.

“What?” he asked, voice unnaturally quiet.

It was like his heart had plummeted down his stomach like a large stone thrown into a lake, and it was confusing and all saints it hurt.

It was like—

It was almost as if—

Oh.

Oh.

He took a rattling breath, stumbling back again and only left upright because the person had grabbed him, swearing. “Whoa man you alright? You gonna faint on me?” They shook Jesper slightly, jostling all of his complicated, painful feelings and oh, oh, oh.

How could Jesper have been so fucking oblivious all this time?

Oh shit.

He liked Wylan.

He liked Wylan.

Oh fuck.

“Lets get you out of here man,” the person mumbled, trying to turn Jesper around but his eyes were locked on Wylan, they were always locked on Wylan. Taking in the way they kissed and kissed and just kept kissing, long after the timer had ended.

They had never kept kissing, but that was to be expected, wasn’t it?

Jesper was half man-handled out of the kitchen by some poor drunken person who’d just happened to spill a drink and be lumped with having to help him.

He vaguely registered Nina’s voice saying, “Jesper? What the fuck happened?” and completely tuned out his helpers reply. He barely registered the hands on his shoulders pushing him into one of the bedrooms and shoving him onto the bed. He only just about registered those same hands pulling off his sopping jacket.

He couldn’t register much of anything, except for the fact that all this time, he liked Wylan.

Wylan Van Eck, his best friend, his partner in crime and the most stubborn, annoying bastard he’d ever met.

Jesper didn’t like people very often, why the fuck did he have to like Wylan?

“Jesper?” he heard Nina say softly, shaking his head gently, “Jes you alright? How much did you drink?”

He swallowed, forced himself to focus. “Not—not much at all,” he managed, his throat feeling like it was closing up, like a noose was wrapped around it and ringing it tighter and tighter with every realisation and every memory of every moment that made him so fucking aware that he liked Wylan.

Nina pressed the back of her hand against his forehead, her bracelets cold against the burning skin, and it grounded him, just a little.

Just like Wylan’s silver charm bracelet, just like—fuck.

“I want to go home,” he murmured, pathetically, voice wavering. He didn’t want to be here anymore, in the rented house, amongst the music and fun that just didn't seem so fun anymore. He didn’t want to go back to the dorm room he shared with Kaz either. He wanted to go home.

But home wasn’t here. Home was hours and hours away, in another fucking country because his Da had moved back to Novyi Zem once he got into college.

He felt Nina press her lips to his forehead gently, comfortingly. “Okay,” she whispered, “Matthias can drop you back, he hasn’t drank anything yet.”

Jesper was so fucking grateful for Nina Zenik.

She didn’t make him talk just yet –although he could tell by the way her green eyes watched him suspiciously that he’d be telling her tomorrow one way or another—she just kept her hand on his knee, thumb rubbing a comforting circle and rang Matthias to come in instead of going away to get him.

Jesper loved her so much.

He didn’t speak much on the journey home, choosing to look out the window of Matthias’ battered old truck instead. Matthias didn’t push, he just put on his Fjerdan folk songs on a low, manageable volume and hummed along to them.

He liked Wylan.

The realisation floored him, and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

It felt natural, because Wylan was always drawing Jesper in, always capturing his attention in the way that nothing, nothing ever could. It felt like the only sane way somebody would feel about him, because how could you not take a look at the magical creature that was Wylan Van Eck and not want to give him fucking everything.

Wylan had always just been his best friend, but he supposed he didn’t think of an excuse to kiss his other friends every year.

He both thanked and rejected Matthias’ offer to stay with him, telling him to go back and enjoy himself and that ‘I can look after myself just fine, thank you very much.’ He shot Jesper a look at those words, but he finally left after giving Jesper a cartoon of leftover food that he’d smuggled with him.

Jesper could have cried.

He didn’t cry. Instead he placed the carton onto his nightstand and sat down on his bed heavily. His shirt was still wet, but he made no move to take it off.

Instead—

“Jesper?”

The voice over the phone was crackly and tired, and Jesper realised he probably should have remembered that timezones exist.

“Hey Da,” he whispered, feeling every string that was holding him together start to fray and snap.

“Jes?” there was more rustling, his father’s voice sounding more worried then sleep riddled now, “you alright?”

“I’m uh—” he hesitated, sucking in a breath, “I’m fine. I think.”

“Jes—”

“—Please.” His eyes burned like someone was poking them with red hot needles, his hand trembling where it clutched his phone to his ear, “please. I just—I just want to talk to you. I miss you.”

He could tell his father didn’t believe him, but Jesper didn’t feel ready to admit just yet what he’d saw, what he’d realised. He’d have to tell Nina tomorrow, he’d accepted that, but for right fucking now he wanted to forget.

Because if he didn’t forget he’d only end up crying, and Jesper felt too old to be crying over a boy in the dark.

He didn’t tell his Da about Wylan. He didn’t tell him that he’d only just realised that he liked his best friend. He didn’t tell him that he was struggling, that his course made him feel like he was drowning already, only three months in. He didn’t tell him that he already regretted ever coming here.

Instead, he lay back, shirt still wet, Matthias’ food sat unopened on the nightstand, eyes closed as he listened to his father talk about his week and what it was like being back on the farm and his Ma’s cherry tree.

“Jesper?” his father said suddenly, disrupting him from his sad thoughts.

“Yeah?” Jesper managed, forcing his voice not to crack.

“I love you, you know that right?”

Jesper inhaled suddenly, squeezing his eyes shut as tears seeped down his cheeks. “Yeah,” he tried, he tried, “Yeah I know. I love you too Da.”

When Kaz came back in the early hours of the morning, he wacked Jesper in the shin with the bottom of his cane, telling him to get dressed and eat something or ‘I swear to fucking Ghezen Jesper—’

Neither of them addressed his tear streaked face, or the way his voice was raspy and eyes red rimmed. He just ate his hutspot and let Kaz steal a few mouthfuls.

Later that night—morning—just as the clock turned to 5am, Jesper’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out on instinct, stomach turning to lead when he saw who it was from.

Wyvil

You OK? Nina said you had to leave early.

Jesper sucked in a breath. He could ignore. It was fucking 5am, Wylan wasn’t going to blame him for being asleep.

Jessie

im fine

someone spilled their drink on me and i nearly got sick

Jesper could never ignore Wylan, not really.

Wyvil

Well shit.

Want me to come over tomorrow with some stroopwafels?

And if any one word was likely to make Jesper cry, stroopwafel was the word.

Jessie

nah dw

i think nina has already claimed the nurse keeping position

Wyvil

Well if you need anything else let me know!

Jesper promptly shoved his face into his pillow and he and Kaz both pretended he wasn’t crying.

You Wylan, I just need you.

“Alright. Spill.”

Jesper sighed.

The next morning—well, lunchtime—saw Nina sat in Jesper and Kaz’s shared dorm room, two steaming bowls of ramen balancing on his bed and Kaz grumbling about how he didn’t get any ramen.

‘If you want ramen you can get your own, Brekker,’ Nina had said, before turning her sharp, expectant gaze on Jesper.

“I may have... seen something,” he muttered, grabbing his bowl and cursing when it burnt his hands.

“I guessed that,” Nina huffed, “what did you see? Did you see what I think you saw?”

Jesper narrowed his eyes, “what do you think I saw?” He wasn’t appreciating this interrogation, thank you very much Nina.

Before he had a chance to answer, Kaz cut in, sounding bored, “he saw Wylan making out with that drummer.”

“How the fuck do you know that?” Jesper cried, nearly dropping his bowl of ramen at the exact same time Nina exclaimed, “I fucking knew they were making eyes at each other!”

Kaz blinked at both of them, flicking through his business book because only Kaz fucking Brekker would be studying on New Years Day.

Jesper groaned, abandoning his bowl in favour of burying his face in his hands. “Do I have a crush?” he whined, almost pitifully except he was moping too much to really care. Maybe he was a moper.

“You have whatever is after a crush,” Kaz said flatly, not even looking up.

“Alright Brekker, shut up or I’m kicking you out,” Nina snapped, turning back to Jesper. “Do you think you have a crush?”

Peeking at her from between his fingers, Jesper shrugged, “I mean, maybe? I think so. I don’t know. Ninaa.”

Nina huffed lightly, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips, “congrats Jes, you’re officially the last to know. Now eat your ramen.”

“Yes mom,” Jesper grumbled, but he felt eternally grateful for her anyway.

His phone buzzed from where it sat on the nightstand and he had to slap Nina’s hand away when she went to intercept it.

Wyvil

If you’re still feeling sick I’m on the way with Spiderman and hot chocolate.

And if you’re feeling fine I’m still on the way with Spiderman and hot chocolate lol.

Jessie

...and brownies?

Wyvil

If you want :)

Jesper huffed out a tiny laugh, then groaned. Saints.

New Years Eve, 2019

Jesper was nervous.

He didn’t get nervous all that often –or at least that was what he told everyone—but right here, right now, it was undeniable. Jesper was nervous.

“You’re going to give yourself a headache with all that worrying Jes,” Inej said gently, nudging him with her shoulder.

Jesper scoffed, eyes darting, “me? Worried? Come off it ‘Nej.”

Inej raised a judgemental eyebrow, and Jesper winced. Yeah okay...

“Its stupid,” he said finally, glaring at his drink and swirling the dregs in his tiny glass.

“Nothing is stupid if it makes you worry, Jesper,” Inej said reassuringly, but it did little to soothe his worries. “If you’re that worried about kissing him then just don’t do it this year,” she said simply, as if any of this was simple.

Jesper swirled the drink more, watching the tiny little whirlpool start to form. “He’ll question why I won’t want to do it this year though.” That’s if he hasn’t already found someone else to kiss.

Wylan had apologised after that night, telling Jesper that he’d completely forgotten all about their tradition and ‘he was just so hot Jes, what was I supposed to do?’

Kiss me anyway, Jesper had thought miserably, but he didn’t say that, instead he just reassured him it was fine and joked, ‘was it a good kiss?’

Wylan had wrinkled his nose, ‘no,’ and Jesper had snorted, and it had been fine.

It was fine.

“He’s not going to put that much thought into your little tradition Jesper,” Inej said bluntly, resting her hand on the crook of his elbow as if to make up for her words. Jesper winced anyway. He knew that. He knew now that these little New Years kisses meant more to him then they ever would to Wylan, he didn’t need the reminder.

“But I like kissing him,” Jesper whined, feeling all four hundred kinds pathetic. It was pathetic that he looked forward to these stupid kisses every fucking year, even before he’d ever realised that.

Inej rolled her eyes, “oh you’re hopeless,” she sighed, but she smiled up at Jesper to let him know she didn’t really think that.

Jesper expected her to continue lecturing him, but it became very apparent why she didn’t when something collided with him, narrowly missing the mostly empty glass of drink that Inej had rescued just in time. Jesper blinked, suddenly holding an armful of a very giggly, slightly tipsy Wylan.

Oh saints.

“Are you moping again?” Wylan questioned, poking Jesper in the ribs. Jesper gasped, squirming away from the ticklish prod, “I do not mope!”

“Yes you do,” Wylan laughed, straightening up but leaving his hands clutching Jesper’s arms, “you get such a lost puppy look on your face, it’s so cute.”

Jesper scrunched his whole face up at those words, unsure of whether to feel insulted or flattered because Wylan called him cute!

“Are you having fun?” he said instead, steering away from that line of conversation and slinging an arm around Wylan’s shoulder.

Wylan nodded, his curls brushing against the base of Jesper’s neck as he did so, “Yeah, not as much fun as if you were with me though.”

Jesper’s heart discovered fifty new ways to skip a beat, a world record. “Well, I’m here now,” he said, and it was a miracle that he kept his voice steady.

Wylan had brought him another drink and Jesper drank it greedily, relishing in that slight burn down his throat and the increased lightness in his mind. Over the years his alcohol tolerance had greatly increased, but he still enjoyed that easy moment in between sobriety and drunkness, when he was tispy enough to feel like he was floating but not drunk enough that it became numb.

It was starting to veer on the side of the latter in recent months, as college piled more and more stress on him, but Jesper tried not to think of it right now. He put his empty glass on the counter with a swallow, making a mental note not to drink anymore that night.

“Did you gamble today?” Wylan asked suddenly, likely figuring out where his train of thought had taken him. Jesper’s fingers found Wylan’s charm bracelet once more, and he began to play with it without really thinking too much about it. That was another thing that had been happening over the past year, increasingly so since the new term had started. He knew it was a bad habit and it was hurting him, but in the moment he’d been finding it very hard to just stop.

“Not uh—no. Not yet, anyway,” Jesper said in a low voice, looking down at his fidgeting hands.

“That’s good, Jes! I’m proud.”

Jesper snorted self deprecatingly, a reflex action at that point, but he allowed himself to feel some semblance of pride. A little bit couldn’t hurt, right?

“Do you feel up to dancing?” Jesper asked, tipping his head in the direction of Nina’s cleared out sitting room.

Wylan beamed at him. “Weirdly enough, I do.” He grabbed Jesper’s hand and dragged him out of the open kitchen, startling a surprised laugh from him.

They moved clumsily, still equally terrible dancers, but Jesper didn’t care. How could he care, when Wylan was laughing and spinning and grabbing hold of his arms with those fucking hands. Jesper put on a show of swaying his hips and shaking his shoulders just to make Wylan nearly fall over with laughter, and Wylan tried to teach him some fancy ballroom dance that ended with them both tripping into the dancing pair beside them.

The music boomed, the lights pulsed, bright flashes of pink and blue and purple because Nina was nothing if not dramatic. The buzz of the party thrumming through Jesper’s veins, toeing on the line of being too much and Jesper lived for it. That adrenaline, that rush, that thrill that he found himself constantly searching for, all in the boy in his arms, his best friend, Wylan.

“10!”

Their dancing drew to a sudden halt, both of them stumbling into each other.

“9!”

“Already?” Wylan shouted above the cheers, confusion showing on his face. Jesper could relate, surely it wasn’t midnight already?

“8!”

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” Jesper said with a shrug, resisting the urge to wipe the back of his hand over his forehead. He was panting, just from their dancing, which was a little embarrassing, really.

“7!”

Maybe it was just Wylan.

“6!”

“Do you think Matthias will propose this year?” Wylan asked, hopping up on his toes to peer above the crowd.

“5!”

Jesper raised his brows in surprise, “you really think that’s an option? Already?” Wylan had shuffled closer sometime since stopping, until they no longer had to shout quite so loudly to be heard.

“4!”

“Its Matthias and Nina, they’re practically married already.”

Jesper snorted. True.

“3!”

The scream of three seemed to snap Wylan to attention, blue eyes flicking to meet Jesper’s. “Shit,” he swore gently, “I need to make up for last year.”

“2!”

Something soured in Jesper’s gut at the mention of last year, and he blinked, startled at the reminder. Wylan slung his arms over Jesper's shoulders –and when had he gotten so close?—“I think we could both do with a bit of good luck this year, don’t you?”

“1!”

“So I’ll wish upon a star,” Jesper murmured, before leaning, easy as anything, to claim Wylan’s lips. His eyes fluttered closed, his hand reached up to cup Wylan’s cheek, he kissed a boy who tasted like sunshine and fireworks and he wished. Wished upon the star in his arms, the light of his life.

Please, see me as I see you, don’t let me be alone in my affections.

They lingered, far longer then their prior kisses, Jesper mortifyingly chasing after the feeling when Wylan pulled away with a soft sigh. Wylan’s face was flushed bright red, and Jesper could feel his own burning up.

It was Wylan who broke the silence first, barely having to speak as neither of them truly left the other’s space. “You’re getting better at kissing,” he murmured, the left side of his mouth tugging up into a light smirk.

Jesper rolled his eyes, then huffed, then snorted, “I’d fucking hope so, turning twenty this year and all.”

“Awh grandpa.”

Jesper shoved him, mourning the loss of Wylan’s close contact, but unable to truly deny himself the sound of Wylan’s bright, joyous laughter.

Fucking hell.

--

Jesper was drowning.

It was like this course, this stupid agricultural course had taken everything he'd previously known about himself and thrown it out the window. Gone was the gifted kid who effortlessly got his grades, gone was the kid with ‘so much potential’. Gone was the kid his father could be proud of.

I can’t do this...I can’t do this....

“Jesper?”

Jesper jumped at Inej’s soft prompting, having forgotten she was sitting beside him. “Yeah ‘Nej?” He asked, almost breathlessly, trying to wrangle his thoughts into some semblance of an order.

Inej’s frown deepened, and she put down the fork she was using to cut her waffles with. “Are you okay?”

“Never been better!” he breezed, stabbing at his own waffle with more force then necessary. Inej levelled him with an unimpressed stare, and Jesper immediately backed down.

“Did you mean it?” He asked, voice small and almost pitiful, he hated it.

“Mean what, Jesper?”

He swallowed. “When you said I could make a living making jewellery or some other form of metalwork. Did you mean it?”

Inej’s gaze softened, and she brought a hand up to rest it on the crook of Jesper’s elbow. “Of course I did, Jes,” she implored, staring him down with soft brown eyes, “I think you could do anything you put your mind to.”

Then why can’t I do this? He thought miserably, sniffing. Why can’t I make Da proud?

It was March when it all came to a head.

Everything always happened in fucking March.

Jesper hadn’t planned on going to Wylan’s dorm, but after staring wide eyed at that email for ten minutes, feeling his whole body turn icy with dread, his feet had taken him here without his express permission.

He rapped on the door harshly, feeling his whole body trembling.

For a moment, when Wylan cracked open the door and saw it was Jesper standing there, his face twisted into annoyance and Jesper had a sudden moment of clarity that ‘oh shit yeah we’re not talking’ but then Wylan seemed to take him in properly, and with a muttered “saints” he grabbed Jesper and pulled him into his dorm.

“I’m sorry,” Jesper was saying hurriedly –while being manhandled to sit on Wylan’s bed—“I’m sorry, I forgot you’re mad at me, I can go—”

“—Jesper shut up.”

Jesper’s jaw snapped closed immediately.

Wylan’s hands were resting on his shoulders, half bending over to look Jesper in the eye, his own blue eyes swimming with concern. “I don’t even remember why I was annoyed with you, we both know I’m just being petty at this point.”

Jesper snorted, but he was shaking too much that his attempt at humour didn’t land properly. Wylan’s expression softened further and he moved to sit beside Jesper on the bed, clasping both his hands between his own. “What’s wrong?” he asked gently, always so gentle, and Jesper crumbled into a thousand little pieces.

He lurched forward with a broken sob, collapsing into Wylan’s warm embrace, feeling a horrifying mix of terrified and ashamed.

The truth was wrenched from his throat by hands that didn’t feel like his own, a force he couldn’t control.

He’d been dropped from his course.

Too many absent lectures, missed assignments, and his professor had finally decided that ‘enough was enough.’

‘We’ll be in contact to organise your departure from the school accommodation Mr. Fahey.’

And that was that.

“I just want to make Da proud,” Jesper sobbed, through great, hiccuping breaths. It was all he ever wanted to do. Why couldn’t that ever be enough? Why couldn’t he ever be enough?

“He is proud,” Wylan assured him, running his hands along the back of Jesper’s shoulder.

Jesper scoffed. “Oh yeah, proud of his college dropout kid,” he spat scornfully, tasting something like acid on his tongue.

Wylan’s hand hesitated in its motions for just a second, but it was enough to make Jesper’s stomach churn all that bit more. “Maybe he won’t be proud that you dropped out per ce,” Wylan conceded, and Jesper squeezed his eyes shut, “but—and there’s a but—that doesn’t mean he won’t be proud of you for trying. You tried, Jesper, and it wasn’t for you, and nobody can ever fault you for that.”

“Did I though?” Jesper asked with a sniff, voice pitifully small, “did I try?”

“Yes,” Wylan said firmly, tilting his head to rest it atop Jesper’s, “you tried your best, that’s all that matters.”

It wasn’t, not to Jesper. Not when he was going to have to find a new place to live, not when he’d have to figure out how to pay a student loan for a course he’d never finish, not when he’d have to tell his father. Not when he was so scared.

But he trusted Wylan, so he tried to listen.

“Thanks Wy,” he mumbled, tears still leaking from his eyes. He felt Wylan’s lips brush against his hairline, “anytime Jesper,” he whispered, sounding just as vulnerable as Jesper felt.

Then Wylan shifted, wiggling in Jesper’s grip until he could reach his phone. “Now,” he said determinedly, clearing his throat, “What do you think of Spiderman and hot chocolate?”

Jesper sobbed.

“And brownies?” he managed, failing at taking a single, shuddering breath.

“And brownies,” Wylan confirmed, arms wrapping around him and rocking him back and forth, “anything you need Jes, I promise.”

He'd figure it out, he knew that. He and his friends were all resourceful, he knew that too. He just also knew that he was so fucking scared of what his future might hold for him.

Maybe Inej had a point. Maybe he could make a living out of something practical.

He’d always been better outside then he’d ever been inside a classroom.

“I don’t care how mad I am at you,” Wylan was saying into his hair, still rubbing circles across his shoulder, “don’t ever feel like you can’t come to me for help. I’ll never turn you away, I promise.”

Jesper held onto him tighter, and cried all that bit harder.

Chapter Text

New Years Eve, 2020.

Okay.

Yeah.

Wylan was right.

Jesper was a moper.

“I feel like I’m spending more of these parties hanging around on the outside then I am actually participating in them,” Jesper muttered to Wylan under his breath, trying to ignore how Wylan’s nose scrunched up so beautifully when he snorted. “Welcome to my world,” he said cynically, bumping their drinks together.

The two of them were hiding in the kitchen, Wylan sitting on the counter and Jesper leaning up against it, far away from the music and bright lights. It was all a bit much for Jesper that night, and to his relief Wylan shared the sentiment.

“It’ll be annoying when the New Year comes,” Wylan said distractedly, kicking his heels against the washing machine below him. Because Nina had a washing machine in her kitchen, obviously.

“How come?”

Wylan shrugged, laughing slightly, “I don’t know! It’s kinda fun saying 2020 though. Like: twenty twenty. It’s fun.”

Jesper shook his head in amusement, feeling a laugh bubble up his throat because only Wylan would come out with something like that. “Yeah, and now we have to stick a one on afterwards.”

Wylan snorted again, giggling like they were still kids, “you’re ridiculous.”

“I’m ridiculous?” Jesper gasped, and Wylan’s giggles increased, “you’re the one who thought of it, I’m only agreeing with you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t agree with me. Sure sign of madness.”

Jesper rolled his eyes, “one, that’s my line, get your own. Two, that is not the context it should be used in.”

Wylan stuck his tongue out at him. Jesper—very maturely—stuck his own out in retaliation.

They lapsed into silence when a particularly rambunctious burst of laughter sounded from the sitting room. Jesper found himself smiling. It was crazy to think that Nina and Matthias had their own place now.

The decision had come not long after Jesper had dropped out of college and been forced to leave his shared dorm room with Kaz, back when Nina and Inej had graciously let him sleep on a pull out mattress on the floor of their own shared room. They had decided against moving into dorms like the rest of them had, and instead shared a small two storey house with four other people.

They’d shuffled around then, everyone trying to help Jesper out the best they could, and as it had turned out, Nina and Matthias had been looking for their own place anyway.

Four months later, Matthias and Nina moved into their very own house, Wylan took Jesper’s old spot sharing with Kaz, and Inej took the dorm room that had previously been used by Wylan and Matthias. That left Jesper to take Nina and Inej’s room in the shared house, but he didn’t care. He got on with his new housemates anyway, and it was only until he finished his apprenticeship and was able to find a better paying job.

As it had turned, Inej did have a point, all those years ago.

“It’s funny,” Jesper said suddenly, and Wylan turned his full attention onto him, “that Nina has been the one hosting these parties ever since we were fourteen.”

“Ohmygod” Wylan gasped, and Jesper chuckled, sipping his drink. “Jesper—we’re so old now what the hell.”

“You’re not even twenty, settle down kiddo.”

Wylan shoved him, causing Jesper’s drink to spill out over the rim, but Jesper was too busy laughing to even care. “I will be in like six weeks,” he defended hotly, and Jesper snorted.

They settled into silence once again, the song of their laughter hanging in the air long after it had faded from their mouths. Jesper felt easy, despite the wild beating of his heart and the way his skin prickle uncomfortably.

Maybe he wasn’t ready for parties just yet.

Wylan –beautiful, perfect Wylan—seemed to be on the same wavelength as him.

“Want to get out of here?” he asked lowly, already moving to place his cup back onto the counter and slide of it.

“Please,” Jesper agreed with relief, pushing away from the counter eagerly.

He'd been doing good, so good these past few months, that this was the first time he’d gone out to a party since he’d dropped out. And surprisingly, Jesper was proud of himself.

Wylan sent a quick voice message to Nina, letting her know that they were okay and ‘happy early new years!’ and then they were off, sneaking out of the house before Nina could catch them and keep them distracted.

The night air was cool once they were finally out in it, shocking Jesper right out of his head. He gasped, and beside him Wylan shivered, tucking himself in under Jesper’s arm. He blamed his warm cheeks on literally anything else.

“Where to sunshine?” he asked, to distract himself from the feeling of Wylan’s hand clutching the side of his jacket. Wylan shrugged, the movement brushing against Jesper’s ribs and he nearly squirmed, “I don’t mind. What about that diner you took Inej to a few weeks ago?”

“I took Nina,” Jesper corrected, already steering him down the street. Wylan scoffed and poked Jesper’s rib.

The diner was small, a bit shitty, but it was affordable and the only damned place open this late on New Years Eve. A little bell tinkled when he pushed open the door, which made Wylan laugh gently and a woman with fake nails that were way too long guided them to their table with a smile that was just as fake.

It was weirdly nice.

“I’m sorry for making you leave the party,” Jesper said once they’d sat down, because he felt like he had to apologise even though Wylan waved him off immediately. “Don’t worry about it,” he said cheerfully, “parties aren’t really my scene anyway, I only really go to them for you guys.”

Jesper smiled softly at him over the table, feeling so damn fond he wondered if his heart might just burst out of his chest and hand itself to Wylan on a silver platter. Or a gold one. Maybe diamond. Wylan deserved the best platters in existence.

Yeah, Jesper really was a moper after all.

“What’s your plan for the New Year?” Jesper asked, just to fill up the silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, exactly, but silences allowed Jesper’s mind a chance to think far too much, and he never liked it when that happened.

Wylan shrugged, fiddling with the salt shaker on the table. “I’m not sure,” he said finally, voice carefully measured like each word had to be thought about, “there is... one or two things I’d like to happen but..” he paused, eyes darting to meet Jesper’s gaze for half a second, “I’m not sure it’s possible.” He looked away again, smile faltering.

Jesper could relate. “You never know,” he said instead, tapping the table with the pads of his fore and middle finger, “things might surprise you.”

“Maybe,” Wylan said earnestly, too earnestly his gaze suddenly serious. Jesper felt a little awkward under his sudden scrutiny, and he squirmed slightly in his seat.

“What can I get you two?” the waitress interrupted suddenly—definitely not startling Jesper so that he bashed his knee off the table—her voice dripping with boredom. Wylan sniggered at Jesper’s clumsiness before turning to the waitress with a polite smile and ordering them both hot dogs and milkshakes. Oreo milkshake for me please, Jesper said with a strained voice, and Wylan wrinkled his nose with disgust.

It was nice.

“Smooth,” Wylan commented dryly once the waitress moved off to collect their order, and Jesper scowled at him, rubbing his knee. “Shut up,” he grumbled, wincing. Wylan sniggered again, and the sound was just so adorable that Jesper’s heart was doing multiple backflips all at once.

He hurriedly looked down, clearing his throat and trying to pretend that everything wasn’t moving at 100 miles an hour just because Wylan fucking laughed.

Saints I’m so far gone for him.

After a moment, Wylan hesitantly began to talk about a concert he was considering going to in June, which then of course turned into a long—one sided— discussion about certain music styles. And Jesper really did try to pay attention to what Wylan was saying, but in all honesty he was getting a bit too distracted in the bright sparkle in Wylan’s eyes and the way he gestured with his hands as he spoke.

Saints.

Wylan paused suddenly, eyes narrowed, and Jesper had a fleeting moment of oops before Wylan was saying suspiciously, “you didn’t get a single word of that, did you?”

Jesper smiled sheepishly, “I—yeah. No. I got distracted, sorry.”

Wylan snorted, “dork,” he sighed with a smile and a tiny shake of his head and Jesper wondered what might go wrong if he pushed this table over and kissed Wylan right fucking now.

The waitress slammed their tray of food onto the table with a harsh clang, causing Jesper to startle and hit his knee again.

“Fuck,” he cursed, gritting his teeth and glaring when both Wylan and the waitress shared twin looks of amusement. What was this, bully Jesper day?

“We’re closing in about an hour, so don’t take too long m’kay,” the waitress told them before disappearing back into the kitchen before they even had a chance to respond. Jesper blinked, rubbing his knee once more, and Wylan started sniggering again.

He pointed across the table with a faux glare, “you’re paying.”

Wylan sobered up immediately.

Jesper had just stuffed a bite of his hotdog into his mouth when he heard the somewhat crackly count of “10!” coming from behind the counter.

Both he and Wylan blinked, looking over to where the staff had crowded around the waitresses phone and were cheering quietly.

“9!”

“How long do you think it will take Nina to notice we’re not there and come looking for us?” Wylan questioned, checking his phone distractedly.

“8!”

Jesper made a point of waving his hand at his stuffed face while he tried to swallow it down before saying, rather muffled, “I’m surprised she hasn’t already sent us both a million messages.”

“7!”

Wylan snorted, and Jesper’s smile stretched across his face unbidden. Cool it Fahey.

“6!”

“Where are you on the moping scale this year?”

Jesper took far too long to answer, distracted by the way Wylan’s lips curved around his straw.

“5!”

Jesper leaned over, allowing his smile to becoming more slanted and flirtatious, revelling in the way Wylan’s cheeks flushed furiously. “Why, what are you suggesting?”

“4!”

Wylan glanced around, almost nervously, “don’t make me say it,” he whined, but he put his hotdogs down all the same and copied Jesper in leaning over.

“3!”

Jesper refrained from mentioning that Wylan had no qualms about begging for a kiss in the years prior, and instead he just winked, “alright, alright, pucker up buttercup.”

“2!”

Wylan’s nose wrinkled distastefully and Jesper laughed loudly, uncaring at how the staff most likely heard it. “Buttercup? Oh saints you are such a dork.”

“1!”

“And yet you’re here anyway,” Jesper said through his laugh, leaning over and meeting Wylan halfway. His lips were just as soft as they were every year, just as dangerously intoxicating and Jesper just knew he was drowning. He found he didn’t mind all that much, and it scared him, just a little bit.

At least, he didn’t mind until Wylan let his tongue trace the seam of Jesper’s lips tasting distinctly like—

Jesper pulled back with a disgusted sound, furiously rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand while Wylan’s giggles bounced off the diner walls.

“Was that—was that mustard?” Jesper spluttered, face contorting into a grimace and Wylan’s giggles burst into peals of bright, uncontrollable laughter. Jesper hated mustard.

“You little shit!” He cried, grabbing his milkshake and furiously trying to wash the acrid taste away. Oh he really hated mustard.

“Oh I hate you,” Jesper sighed, grimacing all that more, “oh you’re awful.”

“You love me,” Wylan said smugly through his giggles, one hand brought up to his mouth in a failed attempt at muffling the sound.

And—

Yeah.

Feeling his face burn furiously and something like lead dropping in his stomach, Jesper realised quite suddenly, that yeah. He loved Wylan.

It didn’t feel that revolutionary of a realisation. He loved Wylan, and yet it felt as natural as breathing. More natural, even, because he felt like he could get away with not breathing if he meant he could love Wylan.

All saints.

Wylan’s eyes sparkled as he laughed, his face flushed red with happiness and the gaudy, overly bright light above their heads just highlighted every aspect of Wylan that was perfect. Which was pretty much all of him, to be honest.

All saints indeed.

They got up to pay for their food almost unanimously, aware of the way the staff were staring them down and hoping they’d leave, and inevitably they squabbled over who was paying the bill. Jesper only conceded when he realised he’d left his wallet at home –for practical, self preservation reasons—and Wylan got to smugly tap his card, flashing Jesper a shit eating grin that he just craved to kiss right off his stupid, beautiful face.

“You guys are so cute,” the waitress commented as they prepared to head out, finally showing something other then resentful boredom in her voice. Probably because she can go home now, Jesper realised, but he was ultimately more bothered by making sure his face didn’t heat up any more that it already was to think about her.

Wylan laughed, sounding much less freer than it had a moment ago, and said, “oh no, he’s just my best friend.”

Jesper winced before he could stop himself.

Thankfully Wylan didn’t seem to notice, instead just waved to the other staff members, wished them a happy new year! and started for the door. Jesper hung back for just a moment, using the time to catch his breath and force some semblance of normality on his face so that he could face Wylan again, while trying to ignore the icy cold pain that surged through him.

Just his best friend.

The waitress winced sympathetically, likely connecting the dots. “Oof, that’s rough buddy,” she said, but the way her voice gained a trill of eagerness he just knew she would be gossiping about his idiotic, pining ass to all the other staff.

He exhaled deeply, “Yeah,” he agreed, before turning on his heel and following after Wylan, leaving behind a mumbled happy new year or whatever.

I’m never going back there.

“Where to now?” Jesper asked when he drew up beside Wylan, unable to hold back a smile when he heard Wylan’s muttered curses of “cold, cold, cold,” while he bounced on the balls of his feet.

“Literally anywhere else,” Wylan grumbled, shaking his shoulders against the cold winter air.

“Want me to walk you back to yours?” Jesper asked. Let me walk you back so I know you’re safe before I go home to wallow and cry and yes, mope.

Wylan inched closer to Jesper, tucking his cold hands under his jacket and giggled when Jesper gasped in protest. “As long as you come with me and we can watch a movie before Kaz comes and kicks you out?” Wylan proposed, tilting his head up so that he could meet Jesper’s gaze with an eager smile and a raised eyebrow.

Saints...

He could mope another day.

“Sounds great,” he said in a controlled voice, slinging an arm around Wylan’s shoulder and biting his lip as they walked so he wouldn’t say something stupid like I love you.

New Years Eve, 2021.

“I’ve got shots!” Nina cried, balancing them all on a tray as she wove her way through all the people.

“Not more,” Wylan complained, but Jesper paid him no heed and instead cheered, making grabby hands at Nina. His rings flashed in the bright purple LED light, and Jesper felt something like pride fill him.

He’d completed his first year as an apprenticeship at a jewellers and the rings he currently wore were all made by him. It served as a reminder that he did it, he was okay.

Throwing his head back, Jesper downed the shot, relishing in the way it burned on the way down, the fiery taste acting like a boost to his system. He felt so good.

It didn’t help that Wylan had spent the whole night pressed up next to him.

It also didn’t help that Jesper had sworn off doing anything with anyone since realising he loved Wylan, and Wylan had spent the whole night pressed up next to him.

He felt like he was going to explode.

To distract himself from the feeling of Wylan’s hand on his leg, the way the small contact burned like a hot iron, Jesper instead tried to focus on the shot glass he was holding, frowning at how thin the glass was. He might as well have been holding paper. He wondered absently if it would crunch.

“Don’t eat the glass.”

Jesper startled—almost dropping said glass—and looked down at Wylan with raised brows, “who said I was gonna eat the glass?”

Wylan’s face was flushed red from the alcohol, eyes sparkling and an easy smile curved his lips. “You were looking at that glass like you were contemplating how crunchy it would be.”

Jesper looked back at the glass guiltily, “listen—”

Wylan snorted.

“Look at this glass—”

“—Oh don’t try and defend yourself—”

“—Listen,” Jesper protested, feeling oddly defensive, “look at this glass and tell me it wouldn’t be crunchy.”

Wylan’s brow was cocked judgementally, gaze darting between Jesper and the glass. “Don’t eat the glass,” he said finally, with a long suffering sigh.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Jesper muttered, promptly biting the side of the shot glass.

Wylan whacked him with the couch cushion and Jesper nearly fell off said couch from laughing too hard, feeling so light it was as if he was floating.

I love you, he thought suddenly, I love you, I love you, I love you. He swallowed the words down, forcing them back into that little box inside his chest that held his stupid, pining ass together.

“I’m gonna get some water,” Jesper said suddenly, placing the offending shot glass onto Nina’s tiny coffee table.

“Oh, I’ll come with,” Wylan offered brightly, bouncing up after Jesper with a smile, despite Jesper’s internal groan of nooo. Under the sparkling lights, Wylan looked simply incandescent, and Jesper’s self control was fraying more and more with every second.

It just also didn’t help that Wylan was wearing one of Inej’s crop tops and ripped jeans. Saints.

Jesper led the way past the small groups of people and into the empty kitchen. Over the years Nina had started to invite less people to her New Years parties, and while that normally was a good thing to Jesper, it just also meant that he and Wylan were alone in the kitchen. And Wylan looked like that.

And both of them were very, very tipsy.

Not drunk, because Jesper knew by now just how much his alcohol tolerance was and when he needed to stop, but tipsy enough that it was like all rational sense had flown out of his head and Jesper was simply left with the soul shattering reality that Wylan was stunning.

“10!”

The cheers of their friends sounded muffled through the closed kitchen door but they both startled anyway, Wylan spilling his nearly full glass of water onto the counter.

“9!”

“Am I getting old or is that countdown coming quicker and quicker every year?” Jesper asked slowly, turning off the tap.

“8!”

“Nah its not just you,” Wylan confirmed. Then he paused, “you are getting old though.”

“7!”

Jesper shoved him—little shit—but as he did Wylan stumbled over his own feet and Jesper was forced to grab hold of his waist to keep him steady, hands grasping smooth, freckled skin.

“6!”

Wylan stumbled backwards, pulling Jesper with him until his back hit the counter behind him, a soft oof escaping from between shiny lips.

“5!”

Jesper swallowed. They were so close that all he could see was the gleam of Wylan’ bright blue eyes, could feel the tip of his crooked nose brushing against his own, his hot breath wafting over his own lips. Saints.

“4!”

Jesper could barely hear the countdown over the pounding beat of his pulse, the roaring in his ears and the way his entire world slowed down and stopped, focused only on Wylan.

“3!”

“Ghezen,” Wylan breathed, and Jesper could only nod dumbly, totally captivated by Wylan and Wylan alone.

“2!”

Reacting only on pure instinct, Jesper’s thumbs gently swiped over the smooth skin of Wylan’s waist that was left exposed thanks to the sparkling, cropped top he was wearing. Wylan sucked in a shallow breath in response to Jesper’s motion and—

“1!”

The thread snapped.

Jesper dove forward and caught Wylan’s lips in a searing, biting kiss, swallowing down Wylan’s startled gasp. He felt so alive, blood pulsing through his veins like every breath, every beat of his heart had led him to this moment right here. Kissing Wylan against Nina’s countertop, feeling Wylan’s soft lips kiss back, just as furious, just as passionate as his own.

Wylan’s arms looped around the back of his neck, tugging him ever closer and Jesper was unable to do anything but listen to him.

Saints, he thought vaguely, but how could he even think when kissing Wylan was just so perfect. It drove every other thought he had out of his mind, blowing it away like a gust of wild wind, like the force of an explosion, clearing his mind of every single thing that wasn’t simply Wylan.

He pressed Wylan further back into the counter with the grip on his waist, feeling his legs go weak when Wylan gasped in response, allowing the kiss to deepen.

Oh it was stupid, it was so dangerously stupid, but the adrenaline was coursing through Jesper too fast, too hot, and when everything just felt so fucking right Jesper had a hard time figuring out why something so stupid could feel so good.

Kissing Wylan had always felt like meeting the other half of his soul, but this—

This was like the ending to an unfinished song, the conclusion to a story left unsettled, the perfect epilogue to every daring tale that was left hanging.

Kissing Wylan like this was the answer to every question he hadn’t even thought of asking.

And when Wylan’s hand crept into his hair and pulling him closer then he’d ever thought was possible, Jesper simply couldn’t fathom how this could be stupid.

“Jesper have you seen—oh.”

They sprung apart like teenagers caught by their parents, Jesper stumbling backwards until he crashed into the island in the middle of the kitchen. He spun around on his heel, frantically trying to scramble together his mind because fuck, to see Inej standing in the open doorway, brows raised incredulously.

Fuck.

Jesper’s chest heaved, his cheeks burned and he didn’t even dare to cast a glance behind him to see how Wylan was faring. Fuck, why the fuck did he—

“Guess that’s Wylan found,” Inej said slowly, eyes darting between the two of them. Jesper tried to crack a smile, “what’s up ‘Nej?”

Before Inej could answer, Nina barrelled past her and into Jesper’s arms with an excited screech of “I said yes!”

Jesper blinked, still feeling like a puddle of broken pieces fractured because of fuck—

Then he registered the gleam of something shiny and familiar waving in front of his vision and he snatched up Nina’s hand, inspecting it with narrowed eyes.

“That bastard!” Jesper laughed, all thoughts of Wylan mostly flying out of his head as he embraced his best friend. “That fucking—I made that ring, how dare he not tell me what he was gonna use it for!”

Nina giggled into his shoulder, bouncing on the balls of her feet and he could hear Wylan’s excited gasp of realisation, and he just felt so fucking happy for her that his heart felt like it would burst from his chest.

Gently shoving Nina off him so an impatient Wylan could hug her himself, Jesper sidled over to Inej, expecting to see her smiling too but instead he was met with her suspicious gaze, and he was suddenly reminded of how he spent the last few minutes.

The smile dropped from his face.

“Not right now ‘Nej,” he pleaded under his breath, suddenly feeling his throat constricting with the beginnings of panic, “not now. This is Nina’s moment.” And Matthias’.

Inej’s heavy gaze inspected him for a moment, expression indescribable, but eventually she sighed and nodded, letting the matter drop. “Just don’t get hurt Jes,” she murmured sadly, letting her hand rest on his bicep, “Please.”

Jesper swallowed, “it’s not hurting me,” he promised, but he found he didn’t believe the words as they left his mouth.

It’s not hurting me, right?

It didn’t matter.

Jesper forced all thought of Wylan out of his mind, turning on his heel to give Matthias his due congratulations.

It didn’t matter.

It couldn’t matter, not now.

The next day found Jesper waking up at 3pm, head pounding from a hangover and mind fuzzy. He woke however, to zero messages from Wylan, which Jesper found rather odd.

Normally Wylan would send him a message the morning after a night out, checking in to make sure he was okay and that he got home safe. It made Jesper’s heart both crack with longing and swell with love.

Now though, the radio silence made Jesper frown at his phone, clarity starting to rush towards him far too quick for his sleepy brain to handle.

Fuck.

After—Well. After that, Jesper had been too preoccupied with Nina and Matthias to focus too much on Wylan, and now, in the late hours of the next day, Jesper suddenly came to the horrifying conclusion that he hadn’t seen much of Wylan at all.

Feeling something like apprehension building in his gut, Jesper hesitantly typed out a tiny, you okay? didn’t see you around much last night.

The response took far too long to come in.

Wyvil

I’m fine.

I went home early.

Jessie

i guessed so lol

pretty exciting news for matty and nin!

Wyvil

Yeah I guess.

Jesper frowned at his phone. Wylan was sounding too dry, but he pushed the panic away, desperately trying to remember instead how good it had felt to kiss Wylan last night, that it had to have meant something to him too.

Jessie

u good?

hangover kicking your ass?

Wyvil

Something like that.

Jessie

wylaaaaaaan

talk to me sunshine

whats up

Let it mean something, Jesper pleaded, staring at his phone screen, please don’t let it be a mistake. Please don’t be avoiding me. Selfishly he hoped Wylan was just suffering from a killer of a headache, because at least that he could fix.

Wyvil

Uh.

I just wanted to apologise.

No!

Wyvil

For last night.

Fuck.

Jesper swallowed harshly, dread already beginning to curl in his stomach and his blood turning to ice. No, no, no. He’d come so far, it had been so long. It couldn’t be a rejection, it just couldn’t.

Jessie

what for?

Maybe Wylan was overthinking the fact he left. Maybe Wylan wanted to apologise for leaving without letting him know. He did that sometimes, he—

Wyvil

For kissing you like that.

--nevermind.

Jessie

wylan it’s fine

Wyvil

It was a stupid mistake.

I think I was drunk.

I’m sorry.

Jessie

i enjoyed it actually [Deleted Message]

oh

The first tear that slipped from Jesper’s eye was the final confirmation for exactly what he never once wished to confirm.

Jessie

ok

Taking in a great, shuddering breath, Jesper allowed himself to fall back against his bed, his eyes blurred and pure, icy pain gripping his heart like a vice.

Wyvil

I’m sorry.

Jessie

it’s fine

don’t worry about it

The phone slipped from between his shaking fingers and onto the floor, the buzzing of Wylan’s next message gone unanswered as Jesper curled in around himself, burying his face into his arms as he cried.

Stupid, he thought angrily, stupid, idiotic, fuckwit.

A mistake. A mistake. Wasn’t everything Jesper did a mistake?

For a moment, for one, beautiful moment, Jesper had allowed himself to think that maybe. Just maybe, Wylan might feel the same.

It was a mistake.

I was drunk.

In the end, Jesper was just another boy to kiss on New Years, another unsatisfactory kiss to be brushed under the rug and ignored.

Fuck.

He’d lied to Inej last night after all.

It was hurting him.

Chapter Text

New Years Eve, 2022

“Jesper! You made it!”

Jesper grinned, scooping Nina into a hug and spinning her around the room with a bright laugh, “of course I made it! I wasn’t gonna miss your famous New Years Party.”

“You missed Christmas,” Nina scolded half heartedly once Jesper let her down, but he only kissed her cheek and she let him off, hugging him a fraction tighter. “It’s been weird without you,” she said into his shoulder, and Jesper smiled sadly.

Because it was always March when things happened, for better or for worse, Jesper had decided to say fuck it and had gone to visit his Da as soon as he completed his apprenticeship and just... didn’t come back. Things were too strained here in Kerch, he needed a break.

And besides, he missed his Da.

“Jesper!”

Untangling himself from Nina, Jesper spun around on his heel just quick enough to intercept the flying hug from Inej, nearly being knocked clean off his feet.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming back tonight!” Inej cried, punching Jesper’s arm lightly.

“Suprise?” Jesper tried, burying his face in her hair. He missed his family.

Kaz nodded solemnly, the hint of a smile quirking his lips and Jesper grinned back, feeling the last dregs of his apprehension start to fade. He’d ran away from Kerch to escape... well- something, but he was pleased to come back to people that still loved him.

He wasn’t entirely sure what he had expected to happen in his absence, but he was glad to see nothing had changed.

“I’m just gonna get myself something to drink and I’ll be right back, okay?” Jesper said, still grinning as he untangled himself from Inej’s tight grasp. “Don’t be ages,” Nina said, waving a finger at him, “you are late, its nearly midnight.”

“I’m only just in the country!” Jesper cried, backing into the kitchen. It wasn’t his fault that his flight had been delayed.

All over the hallway was little reminders of Nina and Matthias’ upcoming wedding and a selection of people that waved and yelled out a welcome home Jesper!

Jesper wondered just when did Kerch become home, and when did he stop minding.

He pushed open the kitchen door with his shoulder, exhaling with relief when it swung closed behind him to cut out all the noise. Seven months in Novyi Zem had made him all that more sensitive to the clamour of parties.

“Jesper?”

Jesper startled spectacularly, gaze shooting up to find Wylan on the other side of the kitchen, half hiding inside of the fridge.

Fuck he looked good.

“When did you get back?” Wylan asked with an incredulous laugh, slamming the fridge closed and half running—half walking over to him.

“About... an hour ago? My bags are still in the hallway.”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to be back for another week?” Wylan drew up in front of him, blue eyes bright and sparkling, smile slowly widening. He was wearing Jesper’s denim jacket.

Jesper shrugged, forcing himself to look away, “yeah I was, but I really missed you guys and my Da was getting sick of me moping so he kicked me out.”

Wylan snorted, then he stepped up slowly and threw his arms around Jesper’s torso, “I missed you too, you dork,” he said, voice muffled by Jesper’s shoulder.

Jesper reacted on instinct, burying his face into Wylan’s hair and wrapping his arms around him, holding him tightly. “Keep insulting me and I’ll go back to Cofton,” he huffed, closing his eyes.

Wylan held him a fraction tighter at those words and Jesper's blood pumped all that faster.

He’d missed Wylan so fucking much, but that didn’t mean he’d forgotten the reason he’d ran away to Novyi Zem for seven months.

After their disastrous kiss on the prior New Years, Wylan had been avoiding Jesper to the point it had become noticed by everyone else in the group. And Jesper had tried to ignore it and move past, determined on slowly picking up the pieces of his fractured heart, but there was only so many times Jesper could walk into a room and deal with Wylan walking right back out as soon as it was socially acceptable before he started to go insane.

It was a horribly isolating experience to be ignored by the person who’s company you craved the most, and Jesper had been suffocating in Wylan’s pointed absence.

Moving slowly, Jesper slipped from Wylan’s grasp and over to where Nina kept all her cups, determined in letting all of this disappear behind them. “How have you been?” he asked carefully, finding his favourite Spiderman cup that Matthias kept just for him, “I didn’t hear much from you.”

You know, because you still won’t answer my calls or respond to me with anything more then one word.

A full twelve months later, and Wylan still didn’t have it in him to try and make amends. How bad of a kiss had it been?

A quick glance over his shoulder revealed Wylan looking suitably awkward, a red flush covered his face in that slightly blotchy way it did whenever Wylan was embarrassed for all the wrong reasons. “Uh, not much,” he said lowly, “did I tell you about my mother’s gallery?”

“No.” A small hint of Jesper’s bitterness slipped past the carefully formed wall around his emotions, but it was small enough that Jesper could hope that it went unheard. You haven’t told me much of anything at all. Bar that the best kiss I’ve ever had was a stupid mistake.

Wylan shifted where he stood, and Jesper filled up his cup with water, allowing the silence to stretch uncomfortably between them.

So maybe Wylan did hear the bitterness.

Hesitantly, voice faltering at the start, Wylan started to tell him about the gallery that Marya had opened a month or so ago, and that it was doing pretty well all things considered.

Eventually, Jesper dared to lean on the counter opposite Wylan, glancing up at him every now and then and resolutely refusing to acknowledge how fucking beautiful Wylan was. Seven months and a couple heartbreaks since the last time he’d seen him did nothing to taint or diminish Wylan’s sheer beauty. He was ethereal, and he was wearing Jesper’s fucking jacket.

Jesper tried not to read into it too much, but something sour curled in his gut anyway.

“How’s Colm?” Wylan asked suddenly, having relaxed a little bit more once Jesper didn’t confront him on his avoidance, seeming eager to skirt around the glaring elephant in the room.

Jesper shrugged, “he’s good. I brought him a couple of things I’d been making in the workshop in my last weeks of the apprenticeship and he was really happy.” He was even proud, and Jesper was only barely ashamed of the fact that he’d broken down into tears as soon as those words had left his father’s mouth.

Wylan beamed, and Jesper’s heart twisted like crazy. “That’s great news! I’m happy for you Jes.”

Jesper tried to smile back, but it felt like it fitted his face a couple sizes too tight.

How he found himself sat on the couch squeezed between Wylan and Nina, Jesper hadn’t a clue, but he cursed whatever it was. As if it wasn’t enough for him and Wylan to be clearly avoiding the crumbled bridge between them, Inej kept watching them both with narrowed eyes, making it clear that she was unhappy with them.

Trust me ‘Nej, I’m not exactly feeling too peachy about this either, Jesper thought with a scowl, resolutely ignoring the press of Wylan’s thigh against his.

It was only when the last ten seconds of the countdown began, those ten numbers that had sounded down both doom and joy over the years, that Jesper realised that maybe he shouldn’t have made his grand return on New Years.

Beside him, pressed close enough that Jesper could feel every moment coming from him, Wylan stiffened. The little mismatched stitches on Jesper’s heart that he’d tried so hard to fix began to fray, his pulse skyrocketing and dread turning his blood to ice.

Apparently a full year wasn’t enough for either of them to move past a stupid fucking kiss.

Around them, their other friends all kissed each sweetly, the cries of ‘happy new years!’ that Jesper had heard so often over the years erupted around them, but there was nothing happy about this moment. Not to Jesper, not when Wylan was sat stock still, resolutely ignoring Jesper’s gaze.

Saints.

He hadn’t realised just how much their little tradition had ingrained itself into Jesper’s mind, the same mind that thrived on routine and shut down in the face of change, and this, this, was too much change for him to handle.

Is this it? He thought desperately, are you so disgusted by the thought of me liking you that you can’t even entertain the idea of going back to what we were? Is this just forever?

Jesper also hadn’t realised how much their tradition had ingrained itself into the mind of all their friends, not until he tore his heartbroken gaze off Wylan and met the eyes of everyone else.

Everything seemed to both go too slow and too fast, time moving weird in that disorienting way it did just before Jesper fell apart.

“Whoa.” Nina was the first to speak, clearly not noticing Inej’s warning glare, “no kiss? That’s like, unheard of for you two.”

Except for the year he kissed someone else.

Except this time was worse. This wasn’t Wylan getting distracted by a pretty face and forgetting, this was Wylan purposefully forgoing it without even a word. This was Wylan choosing to ditch their tradition all because of one drunken kiss one fucking year ago.

From beside him, Wylan laughed, the sound of it clearly forced, and the next second a warm pair of lips were pressed against Jesper’s cheek, the reluctant happy new year that was muttered against his skin the final straw.

All those frayed stitches fell apart, and Jesper’s entire being shattered once again.

Without sparing anyone a single glance, Jesper shot up from the couch and blindly shoved his way out of the sitting room, pulse thumping loudly in his ears. Maybe he should have taken a moment to think about how that choice would have painted Wylan in a particularly bad light, but just for right fucking now, Jesper didn’t have it in him to mind.

Jesper barely registered the path he took, nor did he particularly care where exactly that was until he found himself fumbling with the door to Nina and Matthias’ bathroom, swiftly locking it behind him. It felt like all the tired, shattered pieces of his body were crumbling all over the polished tile flooring, and before he knew it he was clutching the sides of a marble sink and avoiding his gaze in the mirror with a shaking lip clenched between his teeth.

Which brought him right back to—

New Years Day, 2023 ~ Present Day.

Jesper scrubbed a hand over his face, unable to avoid glancing at his reflection in the mirror in front. His eyes were puffy, red rimmed, the glisten of tears over his cheeks. His lip was sore from where he’d been biting it, hand shaking where it gripped the sink.

How did he end up here?

He knew why, really. He just hated the answer.

Maybe he should have expected this to happen eventually. Should have known that he’d struggle to keep cool around Wylan, that although Wylan seemed happy to indulge in Jesper’s antics over the years, eventually, eventually Wylan would have enough.

Jesper was always too much and never simply enough.

As usual, there was the ever insistent to urge to simply run. To duck his head and plough on, leave everything complicated and messy behind it and avoid it for as long as he could outrun it. That sweet temptation to just say not yet!

But avoiding things was how he got into this mess. He couldn’t handle being around Wylan after that wonderful kiss had ended up being just a drunken mistake, so he’d fled to Novyi Zem for seven months like a rabbit bolting at the first sign of trouble. And now things were awkward and weird and—

Somebody knocked on the door.

Jesper froze, staring wide eyed into the mirror, contemplating on flushing the toilet so he could let them know he was here without mortifyingly yelling “don’t come in!” or just stand there in silence until they gave up.

As it turned out, he didn’t need to do either.

They knocked again, more insistently that time. “Jesper let me in.”

Jesper’s first instinct, as soon as he heard Wylan’s voice through the door, was to scramble away from the sink and cry a frantic “No!”

Eloquently handled.

Wylan jiggled the handle, “Jesper. Please let me in.” His voice sounded a touch desperate and it sent Jesper’s brain into panic mode.

“Uh—” he looked around the bathroom helplessly, “don’t come in I’m pissing.”

He heard the click of something turning in the lock and he quickly turned the cold tap on –as if that was gonna do anything—“Wylan don’t open the—”

The door swung open, Wylan standing in the doorway with an unreadable expression carved onto his face.

“—door.” Jesper finished lamely. “I could have been pissing.”

Wylan stepped into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him, “but you weren’t, so it’s fine.”

“Yeah but I could’ve—”

“—Jesper.” Wylan’s voice sounded tired, hinging on desperation, and Jesper quietened.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, looking down.

He heard Wylan sigh, and he glanced back up warily. “Don’t,” Wylan said lowly, voice barely over a whisper. “Don’t, its—I’m the one who needs to apologise, not you.”

That made Jesper frown in confusion.

Taking a deep breath, Wylan crossed the threshold of the bathroom, coming to a stop once he was close enough that the tips their shoes could brush if one them shifted just slightly. Jesper’s gaze latched on to the shoes, Jesper’s scuffed up green converse and Wylan’s shiny, rose patterned Doc Martins. It made him smile, just a little, and also made him realise that he should’ve worn nicer shoes. In fairness, he did just get off a plane, was he supposed to be wearing platforms at an airport?

Yes.

“I shouldn’t have been avoiding you,” Wylan said lowly, catching Jesper’s attention once again. He swallowed, and nodded. Because yeah, it was a shirty thing to do.

“I just...” he wavered, gaze darting around the room with ill disguised panic. It made Jesper want to wrap him in his arms and soothe that panic, he never wanted Wylan to feel that way. But he also wanted to hear what Wylan had to say, and if he knew anything about the both of them, it was that they’d take any opportunity at not having to communicate.

“You know how I am sometimes,” Wylan was saying, and Jesper had to force himself to focus again, “I overthink and I get worked up and I convince myself that the easiest and best thing to do is to cut my losses.”

Jesper slowly reached out and took hold of Wylan’s shaking hands, stilling their anxious movements. “Why would you have to cut your losses?” There was hope, dangerous, tentative as it was, starting to uncurl from where he’d beaten it down a year ago. It was dangerous, foolish, downright stupid, but it was there, and Jesper didn’t know how to feel about that.

Right now, all he could do was stare into Wylan’s wide, blue eyes and pray that the tendrils of hope didn’t shine through his own.

Wylan took a tiny step closer, the tips of their shoes brushing against each other, faces that little bit closer. “Because...” he said, nerves apparent in every line of his face, but there was also a steely determination in his eyes, stubbornness setting his jaw, and with one last sucked in breath, he said, “because I like you, Jesper.”

And the whole word suddenly stopped spinning.

“I like you, so much,” Wylan was continuing, barrelling on as if the words he was uttering wasn’t rewriting everything Jesper had previously known about the world, “and that kiss last year—” he cut himself off with a disbelieving laugh, to which Jesper could definitely relate, “it was so good, it terrified me.”

Jesper could also relate to that.

“And I thought—and it was stupid I know—but I thought that you would have known how much I liked you, and it would make you uncomfortable or—or worse that you would’ve thought I only wanted a hookup or a friends with benefits thing which I really don’t—I—” Wylan made a frustrated noise, lightly stamping his foot in that slightly petulant way he did whenever he was trying to make a specific point, “I like you Jesper, and I want to date you, and I stupidly just assumed you didn’t so I—”

“—you cut your losses,” Jesper finished for him, feeling all those little confused pieces start to slot together.

Wylan blew out a breath, shoulders loosening, “Yeah.”

Jesper nodded, still holding Wylan’s hands in his own, and suddenly that hope didn’t feel so dangerous anymore. “Why are you telling me this now?”

Wylan smiled up at him sheepishly “our friends just made me sit through a gruelling talk about how I need to get my shit together and tell you before you get the wrong idea.”

Jesper snorted, “yeah that checks out.” Hesitantly, he squeezed Wylan’s hands, and tried to ignore the way Wylan’s breath hitched in response. “Did they... tell you anything else?”

“Just that you’ve been pining after me like an idiot for years.”

Jesper rolled his eyes, “thanks Nina for stealing my moment,” he muttered, but Wylan huffed lightly in amusement so Jesper didn’t have it in him to mind. “But—she wasn’t wrong,” he said anyway, slightly resigned.

“How long?” Wylan’s voice was slightly breathless, his eyes staring up at Jesper like his answer was the most important thing in the world.

Jesper glanced away awkwardly, “officially? Since you made out with that drummer on new years. Probably longer, you know I’m an idiot when it comes to feelings.”

Wylan’s expression was slightly devastated, which made Jesper groan, “please tell me we haven’t been dancing around each other for fucking years.”

Wylan’s cheeks flushed a bright red, “listen—” Jesper groaned again, “—you looked really hot in that cowboy outfit.”

“Wylan! Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?” Wylan shot back.

Jesper spluttered, “you were kissing someone else!”

“Oh and you were entirely virtuous this whole time?”

As they spoke, they’d somehow managed to come even closer to each other, until their breaths wafted over each others faces and all Jesper could see and feel was just Wylan. It was all he ever wanted to see and feel.

He swallowed, glancing down at Wylan’s lips without meaning to. It wasn’t new years eve. There was no countdown. No music. There was just them, locked in a bathroom while the party raged outside.

“Jesper,” Wylan breathed, and Jesper shuddered at the sound of his name being said like that.

Saints.

He leaned forward slowly, freeing one of Wylan’s hands in favour of gently holding his waist. In return, Wylan brought his newly freed hand up to cup the side of Jesper’s neck, trailing his thumb over that sensitive spot above his collarbones.

Wylan nudged him with his nose pointedly, releasing that pent up breath within him, releasing that restraint that he’d been just barely holding onto.

When their lips finally met, it wasn’t an explosion this time. It wasn’t anything grand or fabulous, it was just simply, beautifully right.

Wylan sighed into his mouth, just a tiny thing that made Jesper’s heart do truly wondrous things. He wondered just briefly how it could ever hope to beat properly again.

He slipped his arm around Wylan’s waist to pull him closer, pressing every line of their bodies together. He let his mouth travel lower, kissing a line along his jaw and down his neck. “Go out with me,” he murmured against smooth, freckled skin, feeling Wylan’s hair tickle his face, “let me take you out, please.”

“Fucking hell,” Wylan exhaled, tipping his head to the side to expose more skin and Jesper chuckled. He kissed Wylan’s pulse gently, then a tad harder when Wylan gasped. “That’s not an answer.”

Wylan didn’t answer right away. At least, not with words. Instead he grabbed Jesper’s face and pulled him in for another kiss, lips curving into an addictive smile. He cradled Jesper’s face in his hands like it was something worth treasuring, like he was something worth treasuring, and Jesper found himself falling love all over again.

“Yes,” Wylan whispered when he pulled away, not moving any further then he had to, “there is nothing I’d rather do.”

Jesper could have melted.

So he kissed Wylan instead, drowning in the intoxicating press of lips against lips, buzzing with the knowledge that it wasn’t new years! Well, it was, technically, but the countdown was over. It was gone past midnight. They weren’t kidding for show, they weren’t kissing for fun, they weren’t kissing because they’d unknowingly started this tradition way back when they were fourteen. They were kissing because Jesper was in love and Wylan wasn’t that far behind him, and there was nothing he would rather do.

+1

New Years Eve, 2023.

Jesper yawned.

He watched the movie's end credits start to scroll down the black screen, the nostalgic music starting to fill the darkened room. Wylan poked his side, “you feeling sleepy?” he teased.

He was lying back on the couch in Wylan’s apartment, Wylan sprawled all over him like a warm, wiggly blanket. He poked Wylan’s side in retaliation, “no, I’m just yawning.”

“Yeah. Cos you’re sleepy, old man.”

 “I am ten months older then you, you little shit.”

Wylan squealed when Jesper attacked his sides, wiggling and squirming in top of him until with another shriek of laughter—

“Ow! Wylan!”

“Oops, sorry,” Wylan giggled, not sounding apologetic at all. Jesper glared at him, massaging his cheek where Wylan had accidentally elbowed him. “Why am I dating you, you’re so mean to me.”

Wylan tucked his head into Jesper’s chest, protectively squeezing him with both arms and legs, “cos you think I’m pretty.”

Jesper snorted, “among other reasons, yes.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, both of then simply savouring the feel of the other against them. Jesper closed his eyes, listening to Wylan’s soft breaths mirroring his own. Wylan shifted, lifting himself up slightly—and Jesper mourned the loss—and said suddenly, “Jes did you set the timer?”

Jesper blinked. “What timer?”

Wylan rolled his eyes in exasperation, “the new years timer! You know, the whole reason we stay up late every new years eve!”

“Oh shit!”

Jesper scrambled for his phone, laughing sheepishly. “There’s a reason Nina normally hosts these and not me.”

This year, for the first time since they were 14, Nina had decided not to host the party that year. She was six months pregnant and just hadn’t felt up to it this year. The rest of them all understood, even if they all opted out of hosting their own. It was all of them or it was none of them after all.

Jesper didn’t mind, it meant he could spend the night alone with his boyfriend instead.

Finally managing to locate his phone, Jesper turned it on, then he felt his cheeks flush suddenly.

“Uh oh, I don’t like that look.”

Jesper looked up to see Wylan watching him warily, and he sheepishly turned his phone around to face him, “don’t be mad okay,” he started, exposing the 12:08 am.

Wylan blinked. Then he groaned and swatted Jesper’s shoulder with the back of his hand, “Jesper! Ohmygod!”

Jesper let his phone drop and he fell back against the sofa, covering his face with his arms. “So maybe I’m an idiot,” he conceded, and Wylan laughed. “You are such a dork ohmygod, why am I dating you?”

“Because you think I’m pretty?” he tried, Peeking up between his arms, “besides, I don’t think that’s the right context to be calling me a dork.”

“You are a dork,” Wylan said firmly, his cheeks flushing an unnatural shade of red, “but its fine because—because I love you anyway.”

Jesper blinked.

“Because you—because—Wylan?” he sat up slightly, gaping, “really?”

Wylan’s cheeks turned impossibly red, but he nodded, teeth gnawing his bottom lip. “Yeah, I’ve known for a while but I wasn’t sure when to tell you.”

A smile stretching the corner of Jesper’s lips, he reached forward and cupped Wylan’s face, running his thumb over his cheek. “I love you too,” he breathed, almost unbelieving, “I love you so much its crazy, you’re gonna hate me if I tell you how long I’ve loved you for.”

“Before we started dating?” Wylan whispered mischievously, mirroring Jesper’s grin.

“Oh well before that my love.”

Wylan’s smile stretched impossibly wide, his blue eyes crinkling with the force of it. There was never a more beautiful sight, in Jesper’s unbiased opinion.

He tugged Wylan’s cheek gently, “come here sweet prince.” Wylan followed eagerly, laughing under his breath, “are you quoting Hamlet at me?”

“Shut it you.”

Wylan snorted, “you are such a dork.”

Jesper nudged their noses together insistently, grinning like a fool, “you love me.”

Wylan made a soft noise, saying a tiny, “yeah, I really do,” before he finally closed the distance between them, kissing Jesper so sweetly he wondered if he might just melt from it.

Falling back into the couch cushions with Wylan following and attempting to deepen the kiss was every dream, every wish he’d ever made come true. I love him, Jesper thought, feeling Wylan smile into the kiss and being wholly unable not to smile back, and he loves me.

“Happy new year,” Wylan mumbled into his mouth, unwilling to move away just yet. Jesper didn’t want him to.

Happy New Year indeed.