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Wan frowned at the rude awakening that morning.
An arm slammed across his face and he groaned out in annoyance, tempted to start complaining, but instead he gently wrapped his fingers around Kitae’s wrist and slowly guided his arm down, closing his eyes yet again. Still, Wan’s eyes snapped open a second later when he felt Kitae tossing and turning next to him and that was enough to properly wake Wan up.
Wan felt groggy as he slowly sat up, rubbed his eyes and looked to his left, where Kitae was sleeping. He heard a little whimper and his eyes widened in surprise when he saw that Kitae was apparently having nightmares.
Kitae’s eyebrows were raised, his hair a mess as he mouthed out a name.
Wan.
Wan’s heart sank a little bit and he placed his hand upon Kitae’s shoulder, giving it a little shake in an attempt to wake his boyfriend up from the nightmare, but it didn’t work. Kitae was still trapped in the nightmare and Wan’s fingers were shaking when Kitae threw his face into the pillow and let out a little sniffle.
“Wan-ah… Lee Wan- ” came out of Kitae’s mouth.
Kitae sounded desperate, calling out to Wan, whose heart sank even deeper and he felt his stomach turning. He was the source of Kitae’s nightmares? Biting into his lower lip, Wan gripped tighter onto Kitae’s shoulder and he gave it another little shake.
“Wake up, it’s just a dream,” whispered Wan, trying to wake up Kitae gently as he was already in too much of a distress for Wan’s liking, but Kitae couldn’t really hear him.
“Where… are you?” continued Kitae and Wan’s fingers dug deeper into Kitae’s shoulder.
“Right here,” whispered Wan and smiled through his fear, leaning closer. “Right here, I’m right here,” he said, trying to get Kitae to wake up. The nightmares were about him. Even if things have settled down and things were peaceful for the past couple of months since the two of them started dating properly…
It was too good to be true – Kitae’s fears wouldn’t just disappear. He was living with this for seven years and Wan just…
It was his fault.
Kitae’s abandonment issues were still there.
“Wan… don’t leave me again, ” sobbed Kitae and Wan shook his head, gritting his teeth. “I’m scared… It’s my fault-” he carried on, the rest of the sentence coming out as muffled sniffles and Wan tensed up, leaning closer and he planted a little kiss on top of Kitae’s forehead, kissing the frown away and he closed his eyes.
No matter how many times he had told Kitae that he wasn’t going anywhere this time around, that wouldn’t just erase Kitae’s fears overnight and he knew it. Wan was going to fix it, no matter how many times he needed to tell Kitae that he was never leaving, he was going to do it.
Wan was just-
“Not your fault, it was mine,” whispered Wan, desperate to get Kitae to wake up and he laid down next to him, wrapping his arms around Kitae and he pulled him closer, running his fingers through Kitae’s messy hair. “It was my fault, understand? I was a coward,” he said and shook his head. “But I’m here now, open your eyes,” he carried on by saying, gently shaking Kitae, who groaned.
Kitae was trapped. He could hear someone calling out to him, but he couldn’t…. Wan was missing again and this time – it was his fault. Kitae knew it, he was the one who drove Wan away.
Then it came again.
The gentle voice, calling out his name. Over and over again, telling him to open his eyes and Kitae’s body finally listened to him. Slowly, but gradually, Kitae managed to open his eyes and he found himself in a comfortable and safe warmth hugging his body, his eyes fluttering open and then he realised what happened.
A dream.
It was just a dream.
A horrible dream, but just a dream nonetheless and he slowly sighed out in relief, clinging onto Wan, burying his face into his shoulder and Wan sighed out in relief as well when he saw that Kitae was finally awake, slowly calming down in his arms and he smiled when he felt Kitae nuzzling into the side of his neck.
They stayed like that for a little while, Wan giving Kitae the time to calm down and Kitae took a deep breath, smiling.
Good, that wasn’t real.
Wan was still there; he didn’t leave. Not again, not like in the dream, but Kitae felt shivers going down his spine and he swallowed thickly.
The dream could become a reality.
Kitae gritted his teeth – why did he have to do this to himself? He and Lee Wan were happy now, so why was he…
“Better?” asked Wan and Kitae gave him a little nod.
“Mn,” whispered Kitae, feeling out of it a little bit. It always sucked waking up from a nightmare. It’s been a while since he had last had a nightmare like this. It felt so real and he didn’t like it. It filled his heart with uneasiness and he bit down onto his lower lip, his eyes finding Wan’s.
“I’m sorry,” came out Wan’s breathy voice and Kitae frowned.
“Why?”
“You were having a nightmare because of me,” mumbled Wan and he shook his head. “It’s my fault-”
In the dream, it wasn’t Wan’s fault. It was Kitae’s fault and he was terrified to talk about it. Talking about that period of time was easier now, but he still didn’t like thinking about it because it was just-
It filled him with the unneeded paranoia.
That was something that he really didn’t need right now, not when he was supposed to be happy. And he was, but perhaps, he was too happy? It was weird and Kitae slowly glanced down.
“Not your fault,” forced Kitae out and Wan slowly waited. “In the dream, it was my fault for-” he started, but his voice trailed off. Still, Kitae wanted to talk about it. He didn’t like feeling this way, he didn’t like being too paranoid that Wan would leave once again.
Being too paranoid would make him act in a way that he didn’t like. Even if the dream wasn’t reality, it could become. If he got too scared, he might become too controlling, he would be stifling Wan too much – so much so that would end up driving him away and leaving him for good.
And that was what he was afraid of, terrified.
The fear of being left behind again was crippling, so much so that Kitae was prepared to go into many lengths to keep Wan around. But forcing Wan to stay with him would just have the complete opposite effect and-
“You’re shaking,” whispered Wan, wrapping his arms around Kitae’s waist and he brought him closer, his chest heavy with guilt. It was constricting around his ribcage, it didn’t allow him to breathe properly because he knew that he was the reason for all of Kitae’s fears.
It killed him to see Kitae like this.
Small, broken, afraid.
“I’m afraid I’ll end up driving you away,” stammered Kitae, finally saying what was on his mind – as always clear about how he felt, conveying his feelings… no matter what they were and Wan stiffened. What was that supposed to mean? “Like in the dream…”
“It was just a dream,” said Wan quickly.
“It could become reality,” whispered Kitae and closed his eyes as he felt his heart hammering against his ribcage and he shuddered. “I’m afraid, I don’t want to-”
“Ay, no matter how annoying you are, I’ll never-” he started, trying to make a joke out of it, but as Kitae looked at him, his voice trailed off and he swallowed thickly.
Fear.
Wan could see genuine fear in Kitae’s eyes.
“It won’t,” said Wan instead. “I’ll stay, I promised, didn’t I?”
“What if I do something,” started Kitae and made a little pause. “That’ll drive you away? If I do something stupid out of fear of losing you,” whispered Kitae and scooted closer, seeking comfort and he felt Wan’s arms wrapping around him tighter.
“You won’t,” said Wan.
“Do you ever feel like I’m suffocating you?” asked Kitae and Wan narrowed his eyes.
“What?”
“If you ever feel suffocated by me,” said Kitae.
Showing his vulnerable side wasn’t something new to Kitae, but it was just… Wan much preferred to see the playful side of his boyfriend. He wanted to see him smile, he never wanted for him to-
“No,” said Wan. “Never.”
“Never?” asked Kitae, needing a second confirmation and Wan nodded.
“No, never,” whispered Wan and Kitae sighed in relief, but the uneasiness still lingered around. Nightmares really sucked.
“But if you do-”
“That’ll never happen,” said Wan.
“But if it does-”
“I’ll tell you and we’ll work it out. Like adults,” said Wan and Kitae’s eyes were a little bit unfocused. “I won’t just leave, no more running away,” he said and Kitae nodded. “I’ll never hurt you like that ever again. Understand?” asked Wan and Kitae nodded silently. “When I said I’m never leaving I meant it, y’know? You won’t get rid of me that easily,” said Wan and a little smile spread across Kitae’s lips.
“Good,” said Kitae and leaned closer, closing his eyes as Wan pulled him closer and he finally relaxed, slowly calming down in Wan’s arms, sighing out in relief.
Wan wasn’t leaving, Kitae believed him
It was just a stupid, awful dream that was never going to come true and Kitae was annoyed with himself for allowing it to get to him. It was really stupid, wasn’t it?
“I’m so stupid,” whined Kitae.
“You aren’t,” said Wan as he continued combing his fingers through Kitae’s hair. Kitae eventually glanced up at him, slowly leaning up to him, so that they were face to face. “Feeling better?” asked Wan and Kitae nodded.
“Mn, much better,” said Kitae and Wan pressed his lips together. “It was just a stupid dream,” he said and Wan nodded.
“Very stupid,” confirmed Wan.
“The stupidest,” said Kitae as a little smile tugged in the corners of his lips and Wan chuckled, but his smile slowly disappeared when he saw Kitae coming closer, leaning closer to his face and he licked across his lower lip without even knowing it himself.
Amused, Kitae tipped his head to the side.
“Someone’s eager,” commented Kitae.
“What?” asked Wan, his voice coming out as a mixture of a whisper and a stutter. Flustered already? Really adorable.
“To kiss me,” said Kitae.
“Don’t flatter yourself-” started Wan, but never got to finish that sentence as a pair of lips suddenly pressed against his own and he took a sharp breath in, but soon relaxed and before Kitae was given the chance to pull back, Wan took the bait and leaned in for another kiss.
Feeling Kitae’s fingers gently cupping his face, Wan’s eyes fluttered shut as Kitae applied more pressure into their kiss, gasping out softly and in the next moment, Kitae was already climbing on top of him, Wan knitting his eyebrows together as he was staring up at Kitae, who was looking down onto him.
“Now, what?” asked Wan playfully.
“Hmm?” asked Kitae with his usual little grin as he leaned closer and placed a little kiss on top of Wan’s nose, then one on the side of his cheek, one below his chin, then another one against his left eyebrow and another one…
“Stop it,” said Wan in between his laughter, Kitae just grinning as he pulled back a little bit.
“Why don’t you make me, hm?”
“Oh, just you wait,” said Wan and wrapped his arms around Kitae, flipping them over, so that now he was the one on Kitae and he could feel his heart fluttering, his face getting too hot for his liking, but he didn’t move away. Instead, he leaned closer and filled the remaining distance between the two of them, kissing Kitae.
Kitae was melting as he found himself trapped between the soft mattress and Wan’s warm body, kissing him back and all of his worries were finally gone because he knew that he had nothing to worry about.
It didn’t mean that his fear was never coming back, but at least for now… things were peaceful, just as they should be.
Wan was never going to leave him.
Kitae was allowed to be happy.