Chapter Text
No.
That was my first thought when I heard it.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
They say denial is the first step, I guess they weren’t lying.
I shook my head side to side, as if it would make me unhear what I just heard. As if it would scramble my brain enough to make me forget. Like, if i just keep saying no, it wouldn’t be true. It didn’t work.
She was sick, again.
Suddenly, this wasn’t just another argument. Not just another debate or miscommunication, this was hell. It seemed like all the anger, the rage, the ache that accompanied my parents as they fought this afternoon, had all been zapped at this..announcement.
I stood at the doorway, my backpack still on, my car still in the driveway. From the ajar front door I could hear everything, whether I wanted too or not. Just 5 minutes prior I had planned on walking in, grabbing a snack, talking to mom about my school day, then heading to my room. I had no intention on eavesdropping on what might’ve been the most important argument, moment, of our lives.
Fuck.
“…Suz-“ My dad, Adam, had said, but my mom was already crying. There’s nothing more fucked up in the world than hearing your mom cry. “Suz, what are you talking about?”
“Its back.” My mom had retorted. “It’s..it’s here, the cancer it’s…” Her voice shook and from behind the door I could imagine her watery eyes. Hell, I could feel them myself. I hated this, she was too kind, too soft, too special to be sick again. No. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My hands shook and my chest felt weird. My mind raced and I felt dizzy, I leaned against the doorway and tried to breathe.
It’s quiet for a beat, “..Suz-“
“Get out.”
“Suzannah.”
“Get out! Get out Adam! Leave!” Mom was yelling now. “What are you gonna do?! Cheat on me again?! Lie to my kids while i’m barely breathing?!” and soon Dad was too. Cheat? Again? Dad had cheated?
The shouts continued as I processed it all. It was the kind of yelling that made me happy that Jeremiah stuck around for Drama Club after school. It was the kind of yelling that I would always shield Jerme from when he was younger, I would cover his ears even though it mean compromising my own. How sick it was, I thought, that when I was the one hearing something like this, I thought of helping others before myself.
“Get out Adam, Get Out!” Mom shouted.
I left, quickly. Running to my car and getting in, slamming the door and backing out as fast as I could. I didn’t know why I was rushing, what I was running from. Maybe I didn’t wanna get caught, maybe I didn’t want Mom to know that I knew. Maybe I was trying to avoid all of it. I just couldn’t stay there, I had to leave.
I turned the radio up all the way, rolled the windows down. I gripped the wheel until my knuckles turned white. My jaw was clenched and my heart was pounding. I was barely stopping at red lights, barely acknowledging where I was going, I just needed to go .
I don’t remember driving all the way to Hartford.
I don’t remember blocking all my moms and brothers concerned calls.
I just remember pulling to the side of the road. Feeling panic, anger, sadness, grief, all at the same time. I remember taking off my seatbelt, feeling like my heart might burst though my chest and rip it if I didn’t. I ran a hand through my hair, then again. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking, I put them on the wheel as I panted and my vision swam.
I huffed, and shook, and eventually broke down crying. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried so hard, so much. It hurt, it hurt so bad.
Then,
I screamed.
——-
The ride back was a lot more memorable. Maybe because I had almost passed out after my stupid mental breakdown, and forced myself into alertness. Maybe because I felt like all the water in my body had been poured out as tears. I dunno. It was quiet. I think it was Doja Cat playing on the radio, it reminded me of Jer, and of Belly. I stopped myself there, not letting myself think of her, not now.
I opened the front door timidly and stepped inside, looking down then up.
Speak of the devil,
“Conrad, what the fuck?!” Jeremiah had said. “When I call you, you pick up your fucking phone, you hear me?!” He was all in my face now, like an asshole. I could tell his anger was laced with worry, but it didn’t make my ears ring any less. Funny, sometimes my brother sounded just like dad, but he looked and had the heart of Mom.
Mom.
I miss my mom,
already.
Jeremiah snapped his fingers in my face, “Hey! Are you listening to me?!”
“Yes, uh, yeah sorry, I hear you.” I said quietly, looking at mom behind Jeremiah. She walked up to me, placing her soft (frail) hands on my face. In that moment, I looked into her eyes. I’d seen them so many times. Lit up with excitement, droopy with exhaustion, stern with disappointment, watery with hurt, in Jeremiah, everyday. I looked at her face; her pale skin, her fine hair, her pinkish lips. I was analyzing, memorizing. I took note of her pointed nose and her rosy cheeks and imprinted it into my mind.
It was like I was seeing her for the first time,
or the last.
“Don’t do that again, Connie. You had us worried, I thought i’d have to call Officer Peters to go fetch you.” Mom said, with a light smile. She had found this situation a little more comical than Jeremiah had, it made me wonder if she know what I knew. I tried to smile back at her, but i’m not sure what my face ended up doing.
Cancer, the word looped around my mind like a car on a track, like a crappy vinyl that only played the bad songs right. I fucking hate that word. The memories of the argument earlier played in my mind, and I felt like I was gonna puke.
I was drowning, but like always, Mom was there to bring me back to shore. She tapped my cheek lightly, and she came back into focus. “You okay?” She asked, quietly.
I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell her that I knew. I wanted to ask her a million questions, I wanted her to tell me I misheard, that she was healthy, that dad didn’t cheat and that she was fine, everything was fine. I wanted her to hold me in her arms and run her hands through my hair, hear her heart beat strongly and listen to the song she always had on her lips when Jeremaih or I would cry.
*You are my sunshine, my only sunshine*
And everything would be fine.
But it wasn’t.
I wasn’t.
“I’m fine, mom.” I had lied, “Just…needed some space.” I smiled sheepishly, she smiled back, Jeremiah eyed me suspiciously but didn’t say anything. I apologized for leaving, we ate dinner, then I went to bed. I couldn’t have been laying in bed for more than 5 seconds before a sob racked my chest. It was ugly and painful and it made me feel hot and sick. I shook as I buried my sobs into the pillow.
That was the first time I cried myself to sleep