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29th of April, 858
I don’t know why I’m writing this down. I’ve never kept a journal before, but after what just happened to me Armin suggested it. Maybe he's right, maybe if I write my thoughts down and go over what I’ve done I’ll see that what happened isn’t my fault.
Armin suggested that I write these journal entries like I’m talking to someone. I might as well explain everything that happened.
About a year ago, I returned to Paradis for the first time. I had spent three years touring the world with Armin and what was left of my friends. We went to places affected by the Rumbling and told everyone we met about how we killed Eren and stopped the Rumbling. Armin had us doing this to encourage these people to make peace with Paradis. I don’t know how successful we were. No one has tried to attack Paradis since the Rumbling, but based on some of the hateful looks we got I’m not sure if that’s because they don’t want to, or if they just can’t.
Historia hosted a small reception for us when we arrived, but it still felt tense. Some people in the crowd threw rocks at us. I think the only reason why we weren’t mobbed is because it had been three years since the Rumbling. But none of that bothered me. When I got back to Paradis the only thing I cared about was seeing the girl I had loved for so long, Mikasa.
Mikasa seemed strange when I got back to her. She seemed emotionally distant. I wish I had recognized the signs back then, but all I could think about was how beautiful she looked. She had let her beautiful dark hair grow long. I thought she was lonely, and maybe she was. That might have been why she allowed me to date her. At the time I had hoped that I would be the one who would end her loneliness.
It seemed like half of our dates were trips to visit Eren’s grave. Mikasa had apparently buried Eren’s severed head under a tree that she, Armin, and Eren would play under when they were kids. Though I have no idea how she got to Paradis. Fort Salta was halfway across the continent. How did she get back to Paradis all by herself? Mikasa kept going to the tree once a week. I thought it was a little extreme and considered talking her into going once every three or six months instead, but I didn’t want to upset her.
Six months later, I proposed to Mikasa. She accepted but was a little reluctant. When I went down on one knee and offered her the ring she seemed more surprised than shocked. She hesitated for a moment before saying “Yes”. I was so happy with her answer that I didn’t stop to think about what state she was in. I wish I had given it more thought.
About two weeks ago is when we finally got married. The ceremony was modest. Mikasa didn’t really have any family left. Most of our friends made it, but the celebration was somewhat tepid.
Things started to get bad on our honeymoon. We rented a small cabin out in the woods together for our honeymoon. It seemed okay at first, but the first night Mikasa seemed reluctant to go to bed with me. The fact that she wasn’t refusing was enough for me though. As I laid her down, I tried my best to ignore the apprehension in her eyes. Our first time was a lot less enjoyable than I imagined. Mikasa just laid there and let me do what I wanted. Not only did she seem uninterested in me, but she also seemed tense. I was so caught up with finally living out the dream of making love to the woman of my dreams that I didn’t notice that she wasn’t enjoying herself until after I had finished. As I laid on top of her and reveled in my orgasm, I looked at Mikasa’s face. She seemed to be forcing a smile, but there was no joy in her eyes. “Uhh…thank you, Jean” she said to me awkwardly. Her words broke me out of my stupor, and I rolled off of her.
The rest of the honeymoon was like something from a nightmare. We didn’t really do much together other than go on a few walks. Every meal we ate together was little more than awkward silence. After dark we would just sit in the house and do nothing. We never really talked about anything. I’d try and initiate a conversation with Mikasa, but they always went nowhere.
Our second night together was when I started to realize that things weren’t well. We got in bed together and I tried to initiate some intimacy with Mikasa, but she didn’t seem to enjoy it. I stopped and laid my head down. “Good night” I said and tried to go to sleep. Mikasa simply nodded and laid her head down next to me. I started to feel nervous when Mikasa turned onto her side and away from me. I couldn’t help but feel inadequate. I had a hard time falling asleep. I heard Mikasa gasping as she lay next to me and realized she was crying in her sleep. “Eren…I’m sorry…” she seemed to be whispering to herself. In that moment, I felt a pit in my stomach that didn’t go away.
After that night Mikasa seemed to get worse. It got to the point where she seemed to actively avoid me. We tried to have sex again, Mikasa even initiated this time. I thought that was a good sign, but as I was making love to her I realized she was whispering something. I stopped what I was doing when I heard her mutter “Eren…”. I was in such a shock that I immediately lost my erection. When Mikasa realized what had happened she looked at me in shock. “J-jean…I’m sorry” she whimpered. But the damage had already been done. I got off of Mikasa, put my nightclothes back on, and went to sleep on the sofa in the living room.
We ended the honeymoon early by leaving the cabin the next day. I could tell Mikasa felt guilty, but she didn’t seem willing to talk about it. It was at that point that I knew that I had made a mistake.
Mikasa and I went to the apartment we had planned on living in until our house was built. I had bought a small plot of land just outside of Trost district to build a modest home on. It was where I hoped to start a family with the woman of my dreams, but before the first shovel had been put into the ground, that dream was shattered.
I was ready to file for an annulment of our marriage. Mikasa seemed to understand and decided to stay with Armin and Annie in Shinganshina district where they had planned on building their own home. I went with Mikasa to make sure she got settled in.
I told Armin what happened. He seemed to understand how humiliated and broken I was. That was when he suggested I start writing this journal. We’ll see how it goes. I already feel a little bit better after writing this.
15th of May, 858
I haven’t written in a while as nothing really happened until yesterday, but it was something big. Yesterday morning I heard a knock on my apartment door. I answered it and was shocked to see it was Mikasa. She didn’t tell me when she was coming back or if she would at all. Part of me was hoping that she wouldn’t. She had an apprehensive look on her face. “Um…Jean, can I talk to you?” she asked timidly. I nodded and let her in. She seemed incredibly nervous.
Mikasa sat down in a chair. “Well, what is it?” I asked. She let out a deep sigh and halfheartedly said, “I’m pregnant” I felt the same pit in my stomach that I had felt when I heard he call out Eren’s name in bed. I never thought that I would dread hearing Mikasa say that to me. I guess my swimmers were strong enough that I got Mikasa pregnant with only one shot. I couldn’t believe that I was wishing that that weren’t the case.
“What do you want to do?” I asked. Mikasa looked up at me. “I…think I should keep the baby. I don’t want to harm an innocent life” she said. I nodded in agreement. It was clear that Mikasa already saw the child as being alive, despite how early she was in her pregnancy. I didn’t want to make things worse by suggesting that she find a remedy to miscarry. The look of pain on her face as she told me her plan to keep the baby told me that terminating the pregnancy wasn’t an option. I didn’t see any point in suggesting that she give the baby up for adoption either. I had gotten the impression in our brief courtship that she wanted a family. Maybe our honeymoon made her realize that she didn’t actually want that with me, but I got the feeling she would want to press on with this.
Our options are somewhat limited. I knew that the best thing to do was to stay married to Mikasa and help her raise the child, even if she didn’t truly love me, and probably never would. I wish there were some way to get rid of the baby. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who can’t love me. I know it’s selfish but that’s just the way I feel. It’s funny, here I was with the person I thought I had wanted doing exactly what I thought I had wanted to do. But I couldn’t help but feel like all of the dreams I had were suddenly dashed.
“I…won’t get that annulment, Mikasa. We’ll stay married and do our best to raise this child together” I said to her. Mikasa sighed and nodded. She seemed relieved to hear me say that, but it didn’t do anything to help how I felt. I couldn’t help but think that I was taking on an immense burden.
It’s a good thing I didn’t go back to the construction company to cancel the construction of our house.
13th of November 858
The house is finally done. Mikasa and I moved in. But it didn’t feel like a happy day to me. It feels like we’ve spent the past six months just existing together. Mikasa did all the things a normal wife would do, but there seemed to be no life in her eyes when she looked at me. We would sit down to eat a meal together that she had prepared and just eat in silence. Much like during our honeymoon, I found it hard to talk to her about anything.
Mikasa would often make trips to Shinganshina to visit Armin and Annie. Sometimes she would spend several days with them without coming home. I learned to cook well enough for myself in that time so I didn’t really miss Mikasa. In fact, I almost felt relieved whenever she went to Shinganshina. Things felt a lot less tense when Mikasa was gone. But the feeling of inadequacy, that I had failed as a husband and a man always lingered.
One night my mother insisted on visiting me for dinner. She was impressed with how my cooking skills developed and enjoyed what I made for her. But after dinner she had a tense conversation with me. “I think you should still get that annulment. What kind of a wife just leaves her husband all alone?” she asked. I just looked down at the floor and nodded. “You might be right, mom, but I don’t know what would happen to Mikasa if I went through with the annulment. I already promised to help her raise our child” I said. My mother shook her head and wagged her finger at me. “What kind of a man are you?” she asked angrily. “You deserve better than what that cold fish is doing to you!” she said. Again, I nodded in agreement. “I know, but there’s nothing else we can do, mom” I said. My mom sighed with a huff. “Well,” she said, “At least you’re taking responsibility”.
Mikasa and I did our best to get our home ready for the baby. But it felt like we were just playing pretend.
I let Mikasa sleep in the main bedroom alone while I slept in a guest bedroom. I couldn’t bring myself to touch Mikasa in a loving way and she seemed to have the same problem with me. There was no argument about our sleeping arrangements. I never heard Mikasa asking me to come to bed with her. It just seemed like the best way to handle it.
21st of January, 859
Today should be one of the happiest days of my life. Mikasa gave birth to a healthy baby girl. When they finally let me into the hospital room, I saw Mikasa lying on the bed with the baby in her arms. She looked up at me, gave me a small smile and nodded at me. It felt more like a nod of appreciation of a job well done. Like a boss handing his workman a paycheck. Still, it was nice to see Mikasa seem to appreciate me. Our marriage had begun to feel like a nuisance to both of us. Something we only maintained out of obligation.
We decided to name our daughter Ellen Kirstien. I cringed when Mikasa told me the name she had picked. I’m pretty sure that if the baby had been a boy she would have wanted to name him Eren. I wouldn’t have wanted our son to be named after the man who killed 80% of humanity and may have indirectly ruined my chance at happiness. But luckily the baby was a girl and I didn’t feel strongly enough to oppose Mikasa’s choice
Not much has happened since my last entry. Mikasa and I never really do much together. She would make dinner when I got home like any other wife, but she didn’t feel like my wife to me. Every night we would finish dinner, clean up, go to our separate bedrooms and get ready for bed. Mikasa set up the crib in her bedroom.
9th of February, 859
In the days since Mikasa and the baby came home things don’t seem to have changed much. I’ve changed a few diapers but haven’t really done much to help Mikasa. I think she’s been doing her best not to ask too much of me. It might be her way of making up for the mistake she made in agreeing to marry me.
Mikasa made another trip to Shinganshina today. She told me that she would be staying the night with Armin and Annie and showing them the baby.
11th of February, 859
Mikasa was gone for two days. I was upset when she got back to the apartment, but Mikasa seemed indifferent. I’m starting to think about divorcing Mikasa again. If she prefers to spend time with Armin and Annie, then maybe it will be better for both of us.
21st of February, 859
Today, Mikasa got an invitation from Historia to come visit her on her ranch near Mitras. The invitation included me. I went with Mikasa to see Historia, but I wasn’t looking forward to catching up with Historia. I heard that Historia and her husband got divorced. I never understood why they got together. Why did Historia need to get pregnant to prevent the military from turning her into a Titan? Why did she have a baby with a man who used to be her childhood bully? And they got married two years after Historia’s daughter, Ymir Reiss, was born. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to ask her those questions.
3rd of March, 859
Went to Historia’s ranch with Mikasa today. Historia seems like she’s happy running the orphanage on the ranch.
After dinner the three of us sat down and talked, though I was reluctant to tell Historia about what had happened to me and Mikasa. Historia suggested that Mikasa and I get divorced. When she said it out loud I wasn’t upset. I just sighed and nodded in agreement. I looked up at Mikasa. She had a grave look on her face and nodded as well. It’s strange. Mikasa and I had maintained a life that felt like a ruse. The two of us agreeing to a divorce felt like a relief. It also seemed like it was the first time we had ever been on the same page about something. Historia offered Mikasa a place at her Ranch. She offered to help Mikasa raise our child. I would be welcome to visit whenever I liked but also free to start my life over at the same time. For the first time in almost a year, I felt a sense of relief, though I also felt guilty about that. I’m going to help Mikasa move her things to Historia’s ranch tomorrow.
10th of April, 859
I visited Mikasa, Ellen, and Historia for the first time. Mikasa seems a little bit happier than the last time I saw her. It was nice to see her feel content. I can’t remember the last time I’d seen her that way.
Mikasa and Historia seem to have become much closer since they moved in together.
I had Mikasa sign the divorce papers. She seemed a bit sad when I pulled them out for her, but accepted it nonetheless. I felt relieved when I signed my name next to hers. She gave me back her wedding ring without any fuss. In fact it almost seemed too easy. She had to go get it from a drawer in her bedroom. When Mikasa came back with the ring she handed it to me casually, as if it were just a sweater she had borrowed. When she did, it felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. The first thing I’ll do when I get back home is make a trip to the magistrate in Trost and file the papers.
12th of April, 859
Well, it’s finally over. Mikasa and I are officially no longer husband and wife.
I haven’t worn my wedding ring in a long time. I’m going to take my ring and the one I gave Mikasa to the jeweler tomorrow and sell it.
Despite being a bachelor again, I don’t feel like it. Mikasa and I agreed that I would come by Historia’s ranch to see Ellen once every month.
I’m not sure how I’d be able to date again. Divorces aren’t exactly common in my hometown. I get the feeling that explaining to a woman that I have an ex-wife and a daughter might be a big buzzkill. It might be a while before I try my luck.
I don’t know what the future will hold, but I get the feeling that I’m finally on the right track in life. I’ll have to live with my mistakes for the rest of my life, but I’ll live.
This is probably going to be my last entry. Armin might have been right at first about this journal making me feel better, but now every time I see it I think of Mikasa and my failed marriage. Maybe one day I’ll dust it off when I’m feeling nostalgic. Or maybe Ellen will ask me about what happened between me and her mother and I’ll have this journal to show her. It will definitely make explaining everything to her much easier.