Chapter Text
-This is the story of something that never happened.
To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story crawling by at a pace like this. And, furthermore, the tone is way off base, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.
But, with all that said, it's that magical time of year again, where Saint Nicholas (who famously cut down a Demonically Possessed Tree that was probably unrelated to a certain Dead Apostle) circles the globe and leaves presents for good girls and boys (much as he once left three bags of money so a poor man could afford the dowry for his daughters and not be forced to sell them into prostitution).
That's right. It's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.
Grab a glass of eggnog, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?) tale.
The Santa who Judges the Sinners, Part 1
"-ke up!"
Someone's shaking me awake… but it's cold, so I roll over and huddle beneath my covers, where everything is soft and warm.
"Baru, wake uuup!" she shouts again. "You're not Mama, so you can't just sleep all daaay!"
...I know this voice. A young girl, calling me by the last two syllables of my name. Yeah, this person is…
"Baru is being Slothful… Hm, then does that mean...?~" Typhon, the Witch of Pride, giggles menacingly. "Hey, Baru… are you a sinner?~"
"I'M AWAKE!" I scream, jumping out from beneath my blanket - and almost immediately, I regret it. "It's freezing! And it's windy! Hey, just what the he-eck is- wait, where am I? Are those clouds? Typhon, what is thiiiis!?"
"Heh, heh, heh! Don't worry, Baru! Typhon hasn't done anything unusual. This is just Typhon participating in Earth Culture! Come oon, don't you recognize it? Look at Typhon's costume, and the sleigh Finnie made for her!~" The Witch says cheerfully, and I poke my head out from under the blanket.
She's wearing a poofy red coat and cap, along with… is that a fake beard? Oh no. Oh no, no, no!
"You can't be serious." I mutter numbly.
"Wahaha! If an old man can do it, Typhon can do it!" She laughs, forcing an antler headband onto my head and pumping her arms into the air. "Come on, Baru! Let's judge the sinners!~ Presents for the good boys and girls! Punishment for the evil boys and girls!"
"No, that's not the point of the holiday at all-!" My attempt to reason with her is totally ignored.
"[White Whale, Compact Model] - descend!"
"Wait, we're riding what!?" I scream as the sleigh shudders and begins to spew fog.
"First stop, Clock Tower! Prepare for the judgement!"
"Oh my god, we're going to kill so many people…" I mutter in horror.
I find myself pitched forward in a tumble of limbs as we breach the Clock Tower walls. Oh God, look at that damage! Forget being worried for other people's lives, the only problem I need to think about now is how to survive Barthomeloi's wrath-!
Poor [White Whale Compact Model], on the other hand, is moaning in pain, with tears streaming from the sled-like creature's eyes. Ah, somehow, I can sense some kinship there.
-Typhon, seemingly unaware of my emotional pain and White Whale-kun's physical pain, pulls a long scroll from who knows where, and, giving a cute 'ahem!', begins to speak.
"Our first stop tonight is to visit little El Melloi, age 2!"
"Is it really okay to just blatantly steal someone else's joke like that!?"
"Hush, Baru! Reindeer don't talk!" She says, lightly kicking my shin. "-Little El's letter to Santa says:
'I just wanted a grand strategy game that lets me bring the Diadochi to heel and put my king's son on the throne. Was that too much to ask for? You promised that my choices would matter, but in the end, this is just a glorified dating simulator! I understand the need for marriage in political alliances, but you took it too far! I don't want to marry Princess Roxana, I just want to protect her son! And while we're on that, why is there no route that puts the poor boy on the throne? In summation, zero out of ten, give me more freedom, shitty devs!'"
"Isn't that obviously a videogame review, and not a Christmas wish!?" I blurt out. Naturally, Typhon ignores me completely, save for another light kick to my shin.
"The letter used a lot of made-up words Santa didn't understand, but she thinks she has a good present for him! So! Long haired old man, bring little El here, and let Santa Judge him!~"
The witch concludes her exclamation by pointing forward at - oh, I know this guy. He's definitely years younger, so all his hair hasn't gone grey yet, but…
"...I am Lord El-Melloi the second, yes." He says, taking a drag of his cigar and staring at the snow blowing in from the breached wall, slowly piling on his fine red carpet- eh, when did Professor Velvet start smoking? And he was the second El-Melloi? That's a twist.
He exhales and massages his brow. "Fuck. I can tell you're some kind of Servant, so the Santa setup is pointless. Cut it out already, and if you're gonna kill me, just get it over with. It's bad enough that you broke my wall and made me listen to that embarrassing screed from a month ago."
"E-eh!? But Typhon is Santa! Really, she is! Baru, you tell him!"
"Sorry, Reindeer can't talk."
"Ah, you're right!"
"Typhon, huh… The Father of Monsters, but you've taken on the form of a little girl. King Arthur was a woman, though, as was [Faker]… No, you're not that Typhon, are you? But the alternative is even more absurd - 42355 Typhon, a planet sharing its name with the mythical beast - if you were an Ultimate One, the Wizard Marshal would have already struck you down…" the Professor mutters, pacing back and forth.
"...Baru, he's saying we~ird stuff." Typhon says, tugging at my sleeve and looking up at me. "Typhon isn't a daddy, so what's he talking about, huh?"
"Ah, that's-" I start to respond, but the moment I meet the gaze she's directed at me-
Professor Velvet, whose movement I had harmlessly dismissed as 'pacing back and forth' - suddenly tosses his cigar to the ground, where it erupts in a plume of smoke, and takes off in a dead sprint out his study door, which he had managed to open while pacing without us noticing!
"Graaaaay!" - he yells the name of a color in desperation, which is never good news when Magi are concerned.
"Ah, Baru, he's running away! We've gotta catch him!" -with those words, Typhon latches firmly onto my back. "Forward, Reindeer! Santa commands you!"
"Nope. Not happening." I reply
"E-ehhh? But Baru, you gotta! How's El going to have a Merry Christmas if Santa doesn't judge his si~ns?" The little Witch whines, rocking back and forth to shake me from her piggyback position.
"No! Professor Velvet's a good person, so I'm not going to help you traumatize him! I refuse! In fact, we're leaving right this instant." Grabbing Typhon's legs to secure her in place, I start to climb back into the hideous horned sleigh we had arrived in.
"B-but! But if El isn't a sinner, then he doesn't need to be afraid at all!" She protests, forcing her way out of my grip - and then with the sound of glass breaking, she drops to the ground. "Santa's judgement doesn't hurt good people! Baru already knows that, riiight?"
"You just broke my arms off! Here you are saying all that, but you just broke my arms off because it was convenient!" I yell, pointing at her with my right stump. It doesn't hurt, and it can be easily fixed, but that's really not the point!
"That's just 'cause Baru's a dummy who's guilty about dumb stuff! Now wait here, Santa will fix you later!" She sticks her tongue out at me, and races off into the hall, with me hot on her heels.
"At least he got a head start, so he's probably long gone by now- or not!?" I yell upon seeing the professor doubled over, breathing heavily. Fifty meters!? He only made it fifty meters!?
"Now, let's see!~ El, are you a sinneeeer!" Typhon shouts as she launches into a flying tackle - and as she impacts him, Professor Waver Velvet breaks into a dozen separate pieces.
And then everyone starts screaming.
"Ahhh!" Typhon yells, clutching her bruised forehead. "Baru, he was weird like youuuu!"
"Ahhhh-!?" the Professor's head and upper torso scream in terrified confusion.
"Ahhhh!" I scream, completely mortified. Okay, it's fine, there's no blood, that means he hasn't been killed, he just felt guilty, I can still salvage this-!
"AAAAHHHH!" Screams a fourth person. "Teacher, you can't-! Ahhhh! Add-!"
The cage clutched in her hand bursts as a small silver cube floats to her hand - and from it, a voice emanates. "Pseudo-personality suspended. Mana yield exceeds regulation. Second stage restraint rescinded. Seal Thirteen… Decision, start!"
Something's familiar about this. I know, something's-
A blast of wind casts her hood off her face as she lifts her hand, blazing with golden light, revealing green eyes, grey hair, and- "What the hell, it's Arthur again!?" I blurt out.
"-Approved. Third Restraint removed." A shining golden cone of energy pours forth, and she begins to level it at Myself, Typhon, and the Professor's broken body
"[Rhongo-!" Ah, I'm going to die again.
"Wait, Lady, I'm still alive, and I'm going to be very cross if you wipe me out with that-!" The Professor all but screams.
"Ah, Sir-!" She exclaims, just barely tipping the spear into the sky as it fires, smashing a second hole in the clocktower building and arcing over the horizon, where it explodes in a fiery supernova so bright that for a moment it seems like day has suddenly returned all at once.
"Oohhh! That's really cool! Hey, is this that thing? You know, the shepherds looked up and saw a shining light, that thing?" Typhon asks the Professor, lifting his body to put him at eye level.
"It's not."
"-Heeey, Baru, help Santa put El back together! She can't give him his present if he's like this." Typhon says, holding up the Professor's torso and head in both hands - he looks so completely done with this, it's kind of hilarious.
"Help with what hands, Typhon!?" I yell, waving my stumps at her.
"Oh, that's right. Hey, hey, pretty-beam-Onee-chan, can you help Baru fix his hands, please? Santa will put you on the nice list, just this once! She won't even test you for sins!"
"I'm so confused right now…" Grey-haired-Arthur mumbles as the golden spear returns to a vaguely cubical shape.
"Eh? Hey, hey, hey, Gray, the hell's this!? Did you miss? How could you miss!? You even unsealed the entirety of Rhongowhatsit, and you missed them!?" The little box - [Logos React Replica], one of my scraps of memory from Atlas supplies - chatters crudely.
"Add, shut up." The Professor groans. "And so? Typhon, was it? -You're just going to put me back together again, just like that? Even though I failed your test?"
"Ehehe, that's funny, El! If you were a sinner, you'd be vomiting blood right now!~ You just broke 'cuz you were feeling guilty about dumb stuff that's not your fault." Typhon laughs off his concerns in her usual manner as she sticks his arms back onto his body. "There, now you can hold your present, so-!"
A ridiculously large bag materializes from nowhere, and Typhon reaches into it, pulling out - is that some kind of picture frame?
"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!"
"What do you-?" Professor Velvet's voice catches in his throat.
[His Rightful Place]
Slowly, trembling hands reach for the gift, as tears start to stream down his cheeks.
"Aw, does El not like it?" Typhon sighs, starting to put it away-
"No!" He snatches the photo and clutches it to his chest as if it were his firstborn child. "No, this is-! Truly, truly-!" He smiles, voice cracking.
"-The greatest Christmas Present I've ever received."
"But you're crying?" Typhon tilts her head.
"I am. Since, adults-" He sniffs. "Adults are stupid, so sometimes we cry when we're happy as well."
"Ehhh?~ That's pretty du~umb, El!" She replies. "Hey, Baru, does that mean, that time you were talking to Dona-?"
"I'm not answering that." I deadpan, as… Gray, I guess her name is? Gray retrieves my arms and reattaches them, a small smile on her face as she watches the Professor weeping with joy.
"Ah, you did it! Thanks, Onee-chan! Merry Christmas!" Typhon shouts as she thrusts another strange photo into Gray's hands.
[Why Done It]
Gray's face goes red, but I don't have time to ask, because Typhon suddenly grabs my wrist. "Come on, Baru! We're gonna be late! Santa's still gotta visit a bunch of places!"
"Nooo! I was hoping we would end on a high note-!" I yell as she drags me to the [White Whale Compact Model].
"Santa's work is never done, Baru! Neveeeer!"
***
"Lady, can you stop stealing glances at whatever she gave you and help me with my legs?"
"A-ah! Right! Of course, Sir! Sorry, Sir!"
"Heh. Merry Christmas, Gray."
"...Merry Christmas, Teacher."
