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“You need to take care of yourself better,” Leanne said, leaning against the rail. She wasn’t looking at him, not directly at least.
“I do,” he lied.
“Liar.” She whirled around to face him, punching him in the chest. He winced—he hadn’t fully healed from their battle in the basilica. Leanne would know to, she had helped him rewrap the bandages this morning. “You don’t value yourself at all.”
“I do,” he hissed, rubbing the spot she hit. When she cast him a disbelieving glare, he amended. “I care enough.”
“No, you don’t.” Angry, she poked his chest. “You don’t at all. I may not be the best in battle and I might still be a bad shot, but even I can tell when you’re taking risks. You’re reckless.” Her expressions softened and she pulled back. “I know…I know that you were only trying to help me before, that you want me to be happy, but I can’t be happy if you’re not.”
“I…” Zephyr leaned against the rail, staring out into the city. In the night, the dim lights softly glowed on the streets, the only light down here. Like fireflies, it was just enough to see, to move. Above them, a single pearl glowed in the sky, the Chandelier and all it held. “I just—”
“Don’t give me that ‘I don’t deserve it’ bullshit.” Leanne rolled her eyes. Zephyr flushed, glad that she couldn’t see it in the dim light. Turning around, she bumped her shoulders into his and stared out over the city as well. “Isn’t it enough?”
Caught off guard, he looked down at her. “What is?”
“You saved my life. You saved my life and Vashryon’s so many times. And I saved yours, I know I have. Isn’t that enough? To have people to care about, to have people care about you, what more do you need?” Leanne looked up at him, her expression earnest. Her eyes demanded honesty and gave him pause.
“I…” At a loss for words, Zephry looked away. She wasn’t wrong, he knew. She wasn’t wrong and yet, she wasn’t right either.
Vashryon. Leanne. The Seminary. The people they saved. The people he killed. What scales did he have to balance before he thought he was in the clear?
All of them. None of them.
Sometimes, he was sure nothing would ever compensate for his sins.
Inside his bedroom, the single bible still sat on his table. Unopened, untouched, a reminder of a past he didn’t want to remember.
So what could he do? Leanne was still staring at him, her eyes bright and wide. There was something desperate about that look. Something desperate and hopeful and those feelings, they’re too sharp and strong for him.
He’d rather stay in the muted tones of apathy, in the reds of rage and the grey of despair.
“I’ll think about it,” he finally replied, because he needed more time than just this. He had no answers, not now.
Leanne considered his response for a moment before smiling brightly at him. “Ok, that’ll do.” She gave his hand a brief squeeze before turning and heading down the stairs.
“For now, that is.”
Her words lingered like a promise and he tried not to smile.