Archive of Our Own ^beta

[Chamomile]

It’s midnight when a series of soft knocks comes from Dan Heng’s door. He stops reading, eyes flicking up to the door warily, and then a small, meek voice comes from the other side. 

“Um, Dan Heng?” It’s Caelus. 

“Yeah?” Dan Heng closes his book and tries his best not to sound a little too excited when he answers. “What do you need?”

Caelus isn’t answering, not stepping in either, and it takes Dan Heng a moment to realize he hadn’t allowed Caelus to enter his room. It’s one of the rules the residents of the Express had adopted, and Caelus is always the obedient boy. 

“Come on in.” Dan Heng adds.

The door slides open with a resounding hiss and Caelus gingerly steps inside, closing the door behind him. He’s wearing a loose shirt and baggy pants—his usual sleepwear. A hint of sleep clings to his eyelids, eyes only opening a sliver to show dull gold underneath. He’s carrying his favorite pillow with him, a stitched-up thing with barely any fluff inside that he cleaned and fixed after finding it in the trash can.

“I can’t sleep.” Caelus mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. 

Like this, Caelus looks softer than he usually is, all soft edges and gentle curves. It’s so different from the Caelus he sees in the battlefield—the stalwart that stands between his friends and danger, a selfless hero who willingly casts his fears aside to protect those he loves.

Dan Heng wants nothing more than to hold him in warm moments like this, keep him safe in his arms. But he knows best not to be selfish, so he schools his expression and shoves his book aside, putting on the mask of aloofness he’s used to wearing. 

“Sleep here then,” Dan Heng gestures towards his messy bed. He hadn’t cleaned up after doing extensive research on a particular rare fauna they found in their previous stop. “Wait a moment, I should—”

“No, it’s fine.” And Caelus makes himself right at home amongst soft blankets, curling like a tiny little worm and snuggling with his pillow. It’s cute. “I don’t mind the mess.”

Dan Heng tries not to focus on him too much, to Caelus’s cute face lit by gentle starlight, to the mingling smell of Caelus’s pleasant chamomile and his own seawater. He peruses with his books again, hoping it’ll be able to take his mind away from the adorable sight before his eyes.

It doesn’t take long for Caelus to sleep, snoring like the express’s engine without a care in the world. Dan Heng found it annoying back when Caelus still slept with him, but now, it’s one of the things he looks forward to hearing. Because if Caelus is snoring, that means he’s careless enough to lower his defenses, and it’s a display of trust he only shows to those he cares about. 

Dan Heng puts his books away and tucks himself into his bed, laying next to his precious starlight. Caelus makes a cute face and snuggles a little closer to Dan Heng, and it takes all of Dan Heng’s self discipline not to lean in and kiss him right then and there. 

Aeons above, Caelus’s eyelashes are so pretty, each pale strand catching stray lights from the stars. The way his face glows under the dim light is ethereal, like a dream beyond his reach, so far yet so close at the same time. His lips looks so soft and plush, and Dan Heng can just lean forward and devour it, catches Caelus’s breath upon his tongue and—

He turns around, back facing Caelus, and pretends the rapid heartbeat jackrabbiting behind his ribs is a part of the background noise instead.

[Sunflower]

Himeko brought back a few pleasant snacks, gifts from her distant acquaintance. There’s butter cookies in a tin, candies of all flavors, and some jelly-like snacks that look like the clear blue sky.

March and Pom-Pom are already engorging herself on the snacks, tasting each and every sweet they can get their hands on like a very hungry Trotter. Meanwhile, Welt and Himeko settle for the butter cookies and a cup of pleasant tea instead. Dan Heng isn’t really fond of sweets, so he only takes a few of the butter cookies for himself.

“Dan Heng,” Caelus is sitting beside him, a piece of candy in hand. The mischief in his smile is enough warning to remind Dan Heng of all the shenanigans he did with March. “Open your mouth, aah.”

“I don’t like sweets.” Dan Heng shakes his head and turns away.

Caelus, the ever persistent soul, leans closer to him, the hand holding the candy hovering too close to Dan Heng’s lips. He’s giving him puppy eyes, hoping it’ll melt Dan Heng’s cold, unrelenting heart. It doesn’t.

“It’s not that sweet, I promise!” Caelus begs, batting his pretty lashes at him. He’s leaning until their arms touch, skin against skin, and Dan Heng makes a small noise at the back of his throat. “Humor me a bit, will you?”

Dan Heng stares at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling in slight annoyance, but he relents moments after. Caelus is too stubborn for his own good—he would not stop until his goal is seen through, and that’s including the pranks he’ll commit once in a while.

“Fine,” Dan Heng plans on taking the candy and spitting it out later when Caelus doesn’t notice. It’ll be a waste, but at least he won’t have to deal with his antics. “Give it to me.”

Caelus shakes his head. He keeps the candy between his fingers and gently hovers it in front of Dan Heng’s mouth, inches away from touching him. It takes a moment for Dan Heng to get the message.

With a roll of his eyes, Dan Heng opens his mouth just a sliver, making sure his fangs are tucked away safely because he’s not having a discussion over his past over a harmless candy. Caelus smiles and gently pushes the candy in, the tips of his fingers caressing against plush lips and Dan Heng is almost tempted to lean and bites those pretty fingers.

Almost.

It was a miracle that his own morality is still able to hold him back.

“How is it?” Caelus’s voice snaps him back to the present.

Dan Heng tousles the candy in his mouth, an artificial taste of a combination of fruits blooming all over his tongue. It’s not pleasant in any way, but it’s bearable, and Dan Heng can settle with that.

“It’s fine.” He says, leaning back to his seat.

Caelus gives him this wide, warm smile, and Dan Heng’s heart skips a beat. At the end of the day, he keeps the candy inside of his mouth until it fades and disappears, leaving behind the fruity aftertaste. 

Caelus might try his best to charm him with his puppy eyes, but unbeknownst to him, Dan Heng will always fall for his simple smiles instead.

[Marigold]

Dan Heng is accompanying Caelus on a mission today. Apparently someone had requested his aid in driving away the spirits haunting an old, abandoned home. Dan Heng doesn’t understand why someone would ask Caelus out of all people, but he can’t really complain, not when Caelus looks so excited to explore the location.

Their client, a lady from a rich family, is already waiting for them by the house’s entrance. Even from this distance, Dan Heng can smell the perfume she wears; a combination of thick musk and some sort of artificial smell he can’t really pinpoint the origin of. Caelus doesn’t seem to mind the smell though.

“This house belongs to my old grandparents,” The lady says as she opens the locks for them. “Please help me find a box, a wooden one. The certificate of ownership is stored there, and I can’t find it with all the ghosts roaming about!”

The lady then escorts them in, and she chooses to stick with Caelus, holding his arms and leaning on him whenever the smallest sound appears to startle her. Dan Heng is quietly trailing behind them, the ever silent sentinel watching their safety. 

As much as he tries not to focus on them however, Dan Heng’s eyes always goes back to the lady hanging by Caelus’s side. Somehow, seeing her act so unnecessarily clingy to Caelus makes him feel… off. 

It feels as if there’s fire in his veins, a fluttering bird trapped inside of his chest, and it wants out, clashing against his ribs with its talons. It’s an ugly, horrible feeling, and it drives him to accidentally flash his fangs at them a little too much for his liking. 

Thankfully, the house is dimly lit—if not, then he’ll have to give a lengthy explanation as to why he looks so demon-like.

Eventually, they reach a small room by the attic. The lady refuses to leave Caelus’s side, pointing here and there while Caelus does all the dirty work for her. Dan Heng walks closer to help, but before he can reach them, a pair of cold hands settle on his shoulders, pulling him back—

“Do not give my precious treasure to that witch!”

A cold chill runs down his spine. Dan Heng turns around, fully expecting to see a ghostly skeleton looking back at him, but he finds nothing but there. Well, not exactly nothing per say—his eyes land on a wooden box tucked by the corner, hidden from view. 

Dan Heng opens it and finds the house’s certificate inside, along with a note and a picture. He reads the note, a flash of surprise flitting across his gaze in the blink of an eye, before he schools his expression and shoves the papers into the hem of his coat. He keeps his silence until the lady is too tired to continue (despite not doing anything at all) and asks them to return back.

Now back under the light, Caelus looks absolutely horrendous; sweat-ridden bangs clinging to his face, dust and spiderwebs intertwined in his hair. He looks exhausted, but as always, is too polite to say anything to his client’s face. Because they failed to get what she wanted, she gives them half of the money she promised to pay them with and leaves them alone.

By the time she’s gone, Dan Heng taps Caelus on the shoulder gently and points his thumb to the alleyway by his side. “Let’s talk for a sec, I got something to show you.”

Once they’re out of public’s eyes, Dan Heng shows him all the documents he got, and the look on Caelus’s face as realization dawns upon him is saddening, and Dan Heng feels a twinge of distant pain fluttering in his chest. 

“So that lady is…”

“Yes, she is the owner’s oldest granddaughter. The owner wanted to give the house to her younger sister, but it seems he died before he could relay the message.”

“I see,” Caelus reads the note once more, his thumb digging into the paper until it crinkles. “So she’s looking for the certificate to sell the house and get the money for herself…”

It’s odd to see him act like this. For Dan Heng, the affairs of others is not something he would meddle with, and one he would rather not think about. For March and Caelus however, the problems of others are as important as the things they’re dealing with at the moment, and so, that’s where their sympathy grows. 

For all the strength he has in his hands, Caelus’s heart bleeds too easily for others, and Dan Heng wants nothing more than to provide comfort for his beloved starlight.

“We should give this to her sister,” Dan Heng whispers. “She deserves this more.”

“Hmm,” Caelus tidies the documents in his hands. He tries to smile, but Dan Heng notices the hint of exhaustion clinging to the corner of his mouth. “Let’s go.”

Ah, that pitiful sight rouses the dragon that sleeps inside of Dan Heng’s soul, and it bares its fangs at him with the instinct to claim and take, to protect and keep its precious treasure safe for all eternity. How dare a mere mortal hurt him? 

Dan Heng clenches his fist, willing that wild, untamed part of himself to yield. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

The dragon inside of him laughs, its booming voice reminding him of the harsh waves of the sea as they crash against steep cliffs, of the thunder that screams in the beginning of an ugly storm. Its lips curl into a sinister smile.

No matter how much you try to run, you will never be able to change who you are. 

[Lotus]

When Caelus sees him again, it is with contempt and betrayal in his eyes.

Dan Heng lied to them, to everyone he considered to be his own family, and he is ready to face the consequences of his actions. No matter how much conviction he has however, it all comes crumbling down when he sees Caelus’s pained expression, the flash of hurt painted so clearly in his eyes it lashes against Dan Heng’s heart like a thousand whip.

You lied to me.

Dan Heng properly explains himself to March and Welt, and they accept him for who he is despite all he had said and done. But when it’s time to talk to Caelus, his precious starlight refuses to say anything to him, anything at all.

Caelus merely shakes his head mutely and turns his attention to the wide expanse of sea beyond, his expression unreadable. The pain and hurt that paints his eyes is gone now, and what’s left is something that even Dan Heng can’t decipher.

Dan Heng understands. He quietly pulls himself away from him, from the warmth of his precious starlight, and goes to fulfill his duty as the High Elder of the Vidyadhara. There’s a great rumbling inside of his head, and Dan Heng feels the ghostly claw of a dragon wrapping around his neck like vice.

You hurt him, our precious mate. The dragon whispers. We must comfort him, keep him safe and sound in our nest.

I can’t. Dan Heng replies, casting his gaze towards Caelus for the last time before summoning his precious weapon to his side. I betrayed him, and now I must pay the price.

The dragons snarls at him then, a shred of its bestial nature laid bare. It recedes back to the dark corner of his mind with a distant rumble and a bitter aftertaste, and Dan Heng feels a pang of pain more profound than the blade that pierced his chest earlier.

[Dandelions]

It’s been weeks since all the happenings in Scalegorge Waterscape, and everyone is basically back to doing their usual routine at this point. 

Most, but not all.

Caelus still refuses to see Dan Heng. Even if they come face to face, he would subtly avert his eyes somewhere else and walk away from him. It’s the silence and constant evading that kills Dan Heng, his heart withering slowly and painfully until all that’s left is a hollow husk.

March, bless her soul, tried to glue them back together again, but her attempts were met with minimum enthusiasm from Caelus. Dan Heng knows she’s trying her best, and seeing her two best friends acting like strangers must’ve hurt her too, but Caelus is just too stubborn for his own good.

“Just give him time,” Dan Heng says to her over lunch. “He’s still processing everything that happened.”

“Ngh, I know, but still…” She slumps over the table, pouting like a child. There’s a bit of sauce left on her cheeks, and Dan Heng quickly dabs it clean with a tissue. “I had enough seeing you two act like bitter exes!”

Dan Heng snorts. Yeah, now that he thinks about it, they do act like bitter exes—and they haven’t even stepped over that line yet. “Be patient.”

“I can’t!” March is pulling at her hair in frustration. “I’ll find a way to get you two back together! I swear!”

And her conviction is proven true days later, when somehow, for some reason, March thought it was a good idea to leave the two of them in Scalegorge Waterscape. 

She takes them here to snap some photos, but she accidentally slips (more like forces herself to trip over like a dramatic actor) and breaks an important part of her camera (is it even the usual camera she uses? Dan Heng swears she uses a different colored one), so now she has to go back and get the other one she has on stock (which means leaving them together for some forced bonding time).

So now they’re here, waiting for March to come back, and neither of them are willing to break the silence just yet.

Caelus is sitting by the steps leading down into the ruins underneath, and Dan Heng is standing a good distance away from him. He wants to get close, but his guilt is creating an invisible barrier between the two of them, a cage of his own making. Just taking a step closer feels like a herculean effort.

Dan Heng sighs and turns his attention to the statue erected in the middle of the platform—a statue of his previous incarnation. He hates it. It’s exactly because of him that Caelus is unable to look him in the eye, it’s exactly because of him that he has to live with sins that are not his own. 

It’s easier to put the blame on someone else at the moment, and Dan Heng did just that to put a bit of ease over his heart.

A gentle voice comes from behind him, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

Dan Heng whips around, expecting to see a stranger singing, but he’s wrong—Caelus is the one humming a song under his breath. 

The song feels somewhat familiar, nostalgic, and it takes Dan Heng a moment to realize that Caelus is singing a Vidyadharan song, one created to praise the High Elder for the countless deeds they’ve done for their people. Caelus must’ve learned it from his frequent visit to Xianzhou. The song is quite controversial to sing though, especially after what happened to the previous High Elder. 

“That song…” Dan Heng finally breaks the silence as he walks closer to Caelus, brows knit together in worry. 

Caelus stops singing and turns his head around, finally meeting Dan Heng’s eyes and ah, his darling star always looks so beautiful under the gentle sunlight. “I learned it from a Xianzhou historian. I haven’t memorized the lyrics though.”

“You’re doing good,” Dan Heng clears his throat. Dammit, why is he acting so sheepish now? He has to compose himself. “I mean, your voice is, um, it fits the song well and—”

“Let’s go down,” Caelus suddenly stands up, brushing the tail end of his jacket free of dirt. “I wanna see the eggs up close. I didn’t really have the chance to do it back then.”

“Okay,” Dan Heng sucks in a breath. There’s progress—slow still, but it’s something at least. “Lead the way.”

Caelus walks ahead, Dan Heng tailing behind him like a lost puppy. Despite his earlier willingness to open himself, there’s still an air of coldness around Caelus that Dan Heng dares not to step into, so he keeps his distance, not inching any closer and touching him. 

They beat up a couple of mara-struck still lingering around the place before settling on the nearest bundle eggs they can find. Caelus is on them in an instant, eyes going wide with awe as he caresses the egg’s scaly shell. 

He tries to peer inside, but the egg is too opaque to properly see through. Still, he can feel the surge of affection pulsing through him, thanking him for the gentleness he gave to them. The sight of him interacting with the eggs so warmly rouses the feral part of Dan Heng’s psyche, and he shoves it aside before it can do any harm.

“Dan Heng, I can feel them kicking!” Caelus laughs, and hearing that pleasant noise after being deprived of it for so long makes Dan Heng melt. “I wonder what they’re dreaming now?”

“They’re dreaming of their previous lives,” Dan Heng helpfully explains. “Well, it was like that for me, at least.”

“Then, you dreamt of Dan Feng too?” Caelus turns to him then. “Of what he did?”

“Only what happened after.” Dan Heng closes his eyes with a grimace.

He can still feel the nails stabbed into his back, the chains holding him up in the air, the trickle of insanity slipping into his mind as he’s left to rot in pure darkness. He remembers asking himself “Why? Why must I suffer like this?” over and over again, before they dumped him out of the Xianzhou like trash, and Dan Heng is forced to pick himself off the ground without anyone by his side.

A warm hand presses into his cheek and Dan Heng jerks awake, staring into Caelus’s eyes. 

Caelus does not pull his hand away, nor does he say anything. He merely rubs his thumb underneath Dan Heng’s eyes, tracing over the red lines as gently as he could, and Dan Heng can’t help but lean into his palm with a sigh, closing his eyes once again.

“I’m sorry for asking,” Caelus pulls his hand away, and Dan Heng doesn’t dare stop him, not wanting to let his selfishness show. “Those memories must be painful.”

“Not all are like that,” In between the nightmares, Dan Heng experiences ephemeral joy too, of bonds shared between long lost friends and pleasant dreams. “I’ve learned to accept those memories. They are a part of me after all.”

No matter how much he hates Dan Feng, no matter how much he tries to run away, Dan Feng is still a part of himself too. It’s hard to accept his past, to accept all the pain he experienced, but by doing so, he can leave it behind and start anew as Dan Heng, as his own self. 

It’ll take a long, long time for him to heal after everything, but he’s lucky to have so much support from those he cares about.

“It’s…hard for me to accept everything, to accept you.” Caelus shifts his gaze towards the eggs by his side. “How could you betray me like that? After all we went through and done, I thought you trusted me enough to share some of your burden with me.”

“Caelus—”

“But I understand now, just a little bit. You were scared of forming a connection with us because you think you don’t have a place to belong—those bastards drilled it into your head, didn’t they?”

Though he says it with a flat tone, the amount of spite in Caelus's words is enough to send any Aeons running for their life. Caelus is angry for him, for all the things he went through, and Dan Heng’s heart melts right then and there. “Caelus…”

“But you have a home now, a place to belong.” Caelus says it with so much conviction it shakes Dan Heng’s heart to the core. “So please, don’t you ever think about leaving us.”

Don’t ever leave me behind, goes unsaid. 

Dan Heng shakes his head. The Express is his home now, forever and always. He would never exchange the warmth he received here for anything else. “I would never.” He says.

“Promise me you won’t leave?” Caelus lifts his pinkie. 

It’s a little childish to make pinky promises at this age, but Dan Heng links their pinkies together anyway, smiling softly. The things he would do for the man he loves. “I promise.”

Contrary to what he expected, Caelus suddenly pulls his pinkie away and hugs him, keeping him all wrapped up and warm. Dan Heng freezes in his grasp, brain short-circuiting for a moment before he relaxes his body and hugs him back, savoring the feeling of heat against his skin.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you again,” Caelus pulls away, eyes burning with newfound determination. “So let me stay with you, Dan Heng.”

Ah, the corners of Dan Heng’s eyes crinkles in fondness, and he pulls his precious starlight close to his chest again, feels every beat and thrum of his heart against his own and closes his eyes. So this is what it feels like to be loved by someone else.