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Chapter Text

Texas knew of an old saying.

"I was born tired and I’ve since suffered a relapse. One wheel down and the axle dragging. I’m near about past going."

She'd laugh if she could do it but could only breathe heavily with clenched fists, clearing her throat to ease the feeling. There wasn't anything exhilarating about this and she knew that very well, yet she couldn't help it. She couldn't help but grab one more. She couldn't help but open one more. She could not help but drink one more.

Halfway was the mark. It was where she poured the rest onto the ground in silence. That didn't feel good either, only making the action burn her heart with each passing minute. She didn't have the dedication, nor the heart and soul to talk about it. Suppose it was for the best she didn't worry the others about it. She squatted down and leaned against her hand behind before her bottom made contact, looking over the horizon to the dozens of stars that soon littered the orange hued sky from the setting sun. Texas gazed at the empty glass bottle in her hand before raising it in front of her, viewing the horizon through the clear glass before setting it back down seconds later. The once white sclera of her eyes had become bloodshot, a quick surge of irritation making her rub them harshly.

She took off her buckaroo hat and set it down gently before falling onto the grass. How beautiful, she'd think. The stars against the black, cold, and vast space seemed so alluring that she raised a hand and clenched it like she was grabbing a small part of that allure. 

She opened her hand to find her palm.

Texas didn't know how many hours had passed since she had passed out on the cliff. It was only safe to assume it was probably midnight. The base was quiet, no one was roaming the halls or still awake in their rooms as she approached the Eagle Union dorms. Lucky her that she doesn't have to deal with anyone, not with how tired she felt. 

"Late drinking again?"

Fuck. She didn't think of Vestal being up and about on the lookout for her. She steadied herself, turned around, and looked down at annoyed and concerned lavender eyes.

"Staying silent like always?" Vestal crossed her arms, kicking the tip of her high heel. "You know I'm here yet deliberately ignore my offers to help you. Gods, Texas, when was the last time you talked to someone?"

"No," low, raspy, weak. Her voice sounded so foreign to Texas from not talking for months. 

"The first thing you say in such a long time," Vestal glared.

"I just need time."

"Time for what?"

Texas clasped her hands together. "I just need —"

"You've had months, Texas," Vestal cut in. "Maybe if you would just tell me, I wouldn't be on your case about this. Every. Single. Night."

"Vestal."

"Texas."

"Vestal, let me go for now."

"I can't do that. It's getting ridiculous at this point."

"You would understand it if I explained it. But I do not want any sympathy or pity from the others," Texas said and shoved the repair girl aside.

"Listen closely you stubborn, alcoholic, tough shit," Vestal intoned, gripping the woman's wrist. "You were removed as flagship, been out of combat for many months now, and do nothing around the base. All you do now is waltz the halls or hang out at our dorm's bar before Nevada has to kick you out. You barely speak to anyone anymore, the destroyers are scared of you now, and you drink like it's a goddamn party every day! Look in a mirror, your eyes are bloodshot and you look tired as hell!"

"... I talk to Nevada," Texas murmured.

"Nevada talks to everyone not the other way around. She runs the bar, you need to talk to her to get your drink. Not only that, all you do is rant, not talk."

"Ca-Can I just have time to myself first? I'm tired right now," Texas whimpered.

Vestal let her grip go and turned around. "Yes, you can. But I want you to take some time out of your miserable and self-destructive life to at least talk to someone. I don't even care who it is, just someone."

Texas merely tilted her head and chewed on her gums with a dull stare. A minute later she blinked and continued her walk back to her room, clasping her hands together and rubbing them to warm herself. A long sigh left her lips.

"Fuck."

The bar in the Eagle Union's dorm was rarely crowded during after hours. At most a small crowd of cruisers or battleships would come for a few drinks before dipping out. Nevada knew everyone's favorite drink and who her regulars were. As such she was not surprised to find Texas leaning against the counter, mumbling some incoherent mess as she dozed in and out of sleep.

"Another night venture? I wonder what it is you drank," Nevada mused.

"... G-Garrison Brothers," Texas mumbled.

"I'm not surprised," Nevada ruefully smiled. "Going to ask me for a drink or start rambling like usual?"

"Tired..."

"Just tired?"

"... I guess..."

"So it's going to be rambling tonight."

"No," Texas sighed. "I don't feel like rambling... I'm just tired... God."

Nevada then walked up to the loathing battleship and crossed her arms, pressing them against the counter to lean on it. "Not the first time you seem tired, but you seem more tired than usual."

"Thinking over some stuff," Texas said.

"Enough that you are talking more than usual to me?"

"I don't know, I'm just tired."

"You know? I won't tell anyone but I sorta looked up to you," Nevada picked up a glass cup and set it down. "Sort of sad how you ended up like this. I'm sure other battleships like me looked up to you."

"Are you going on some... Shell of former self talk?" Texas asked.

"Just telling you the truth. Nothing more," Nevada looked behind her to grab a bottle with a blue wax stamp on it. Balcones Blue Corn.

"God..." Texas murmured, rubbing her face with the palm of her hands as Nevada poured the bourbon for her. "Don't."

"This is for me, not you," Nevada said and put the bottle down, taking the glass in hand before taking a small, sugary sip.

"I'm not going back out into combat. I'm not fit for flagship title."

"You've been out for months."

"I'm unfit."

"Out for months."

"Everyone also hates me."

"Maybe you should try talking to people once in a while. Or even watch any exercises, so it looks like you're participating to some extent. The same advice I've been giving you for the past two months!"

Of course by the time Nevada began talking, Texas was on her way out and prompting the bar owner to yell the last part out. She did hear her out like the other thousands of times when she found herself in the bar, but right now she just wanted to sleep. Each step felt heavy, sluggish, and weak. Texas scratched the nape of her neck, yawned, and soon found herself at the indoor park of the dorm. It's all she could remember seeing before her vision blackened.

"... Texas. Texas! Texas! Wake up!"

"What...?" 

Grumbling, Texas adjusted her caramel eyes to the shining sun above her, parts of it temporarily blocked by a head looming over her before stepping away. The full force of the sun making her close her eyes shut now. It was morning and it meant she had slept in the indoor park. As if her night hadn't gone bad already, now she had to deal with a rowdy Hammann.

"Gosh! I have been calling you for ages!" Hammann yelled.

"... Stop," Texas murmured, her brain hurting so much it threatened to escape her skull. "Shut up."

"Did you —"

"Stop! Just... Fuck, you're too loud."

"You... Ugh! Why did I bother!?" Hammann grunted, kicking her feet before walking away from the bench.

She would watch the small destroyer leave the park before turning onto her back again, dipping her buckaroo just enough to block the sun out of her eyes. Texas crossed her arms with a sharp exhale, closing her eyes to let sleep take her once more.

Chapter Text

"Texas, why are you like this? Being so miserable?"

Pennsylvania shook her head, arms crossed as she stood atop the woman she used to praise. She saw said woman turn onto her back on the grass, gazing at her with dull eyes. A weak shake of Texas' head made Pennsylvania close her eyes and take deep breaths. She was miserable.

"You drink like it'll be your last. Which it won't, you haven't seen combat in months. How someone like you stoop this low is something I will never wrap my head around because you refuse to tell anyone."

"... I just want time for myself," Texas rasped, blinking to moisten her bloodshot eyes. Her nose and throat were on fire, sniffling and grunting to clear them. "Just leave me alone for now."

"So you plan on being a lazy drunk? What happened to the Texas who'd crack jokes or even fire a salvo from a single scratch of her hull? What happened to the woman who would mentor me, Arizona, Nevada, and the other girls?" Pennsylvania closed in, squatting near her. "All I see is a sad sight of a person I wished I was as skilled as them."

"I'm still her."

"No you are not."

"I am."

"You're not that Texas."

"Leave me alone then."

"... At least find it in you to stop avoiding the others," Pennsylvania grunted and stood back up, uncrossing her arms. "You better start getting your shit together, Texas, 'cause it's just you against your alcohol addiction and self-loathing mindset, and it would be luck if you could still get through life like this."

The battleship left Texas with those words, the drunk woman sitting upright with a groan and scratching her head. She raised the almost empty Garrison Brother in her hand, eyeing it in contemplation before staggering onto her feet, spilling the rest of the bourbon on the grass, and chucking the bottle off the cliff. She briefly stumbled forward before falling to her knees, barely stopping herself from falling off the edge as just below the cliff in the ocean was a naval exercise. All the girls looked happy. They always did when the carriers were exercising with them. Texas looked from her spot as she quickened her breathing before it became shaky. She couldn't stop it. She began to involuntarily shiver, and, before she knew it, her vision became blurry. 

The first tear fell to the grass. 

"Hey, Laffey."

"Yes?"

"Why is Texas acting like that?" Allen Sumner then pointed ahead of them, eyeing a Texas that failed to keep herself balanced. "When I was summoned, I always heard about how respected and revered she was. She was Eagle Union's flagship no less!"

"Laffey doesn't know..." Laffey murmured, also eyeing the battleship that sniffed loudly before stumbling through the doors leading to the dorms. "Laffey thinks that it has to do with the carriers. But that is only what she thinks is the reason."

"How did the carriers turn her into... That?"

"Laffey doesn't know that either."

"Will she be fine?"

"No."

"Oh... Does anyone talk to her?"

"No."

"Not even the submarines or destroyers?"

"They don't talk to her because she is scary to them now."

"Now?" Sumner mused. "So she was nice before?"

"Laffey knows her drinking made her scary," Laffey said.

Sumner walked next to her fellow destroyer before they found a nice spot in the base's main park. They sat and cooled off as Laffey reached into her jacket for a cola bottle. After popping the cap off and taking a few sips of the soda, she turned to Sumner with a dull look.

"No one wants to help her," she abruptly revealed.

"What? Why? Wouldn't the girls want to help?" Sumner asked incredulously.

"She pushes them away," Laffey said. "Laffey hears her say she needs time to herself."

"Do you wonder what she means by that?"

"No."

"Well, perhaps she does need time for herself."

Laffey only shook her head, eyes focused on her empty cola bottle. "She doesn't need time for herself."

"Then what does she need?" Sumner leaned closer.

"Laffey believes Texas needs someone who understands her." 

Stumbling back to her room isn't new for Texas. Almost breaking down at her drinking spot and stumbling to her room was a rare occurrence that usually left her calling that patch of grass on the cliff her bed for the night. It wasn't night though, and she still had some strength and willpower to walk down to the base, ignoring all the glances she got from fellow battleships, cruisers, and destroyers not in the exercise. One of these days she's gonna probably end up in the medical wing with Vestal yelling at her for drinking so much she needed to be admitted there. She wouldn't mind though, the beds in the medical wing were very comfy. There were also nicer looking.

Her room wasn't what one would call "upholding standards." Her bedsheets were crumbled with the blanket having half of it laying on the floor, a floor littered with empty whiskey bottles. Some were broken, but she had some decency to toss them into the small trash can near her nightstand. Just one whiff of the room would make someone scrunch up from how it practically smelled of the inside of a whiskey bottle than an actual room. It didn't take long for Texas to get used to the smell or the way she would sleep on her bed: on her belly without any blanket covering her, not even bothering to change into proper nightwear.

Once white walls were losing their touch as picture frames barely hanged by a thread against the nails. One was so crooked that she tried to straighten it, snapping the thread and shattering the frame on the floor in the process. It was a pain in the ass but she squatted down and began to pick up the bigger shards of glass that broke away, once bright caramel eyes landing on the picture that slipped out the frame. Trembling hands picked it up and raised it for the sunlight to be cast upon it. There, in front of her, was a picture of a happier her standing between equally happy battleships. From left to right it was Oklahoma, Nevada, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Texas, Tennessee, California, Colorado, Maryland, and West Virginia. All the girls looked happy. They always did when she was around them.

But she wasn't there for them now. Just knowing that hurt a lot and she didn't like feeling hurt. Reaching into her nightstand she grabbed another Garrison Brother, tore the top open, and began to down the whole bottle. She would repeat this five times before wobbling out her room and towards the bar.

"Texas?"

Whipping her head, the battleship looked down to see the bubbly Allen Sumner looking up with gleaming red eyes. Of course Texas didn't care much at all in her current state, so she pushed her away, hearing a grunt in return from her actions.

"Hey!" Sumner got in front of the woman, pacing her steps. "What's the big deal with your attitude? What happened to you?"

"Leave me alone..." Texas mumbled.

"But why do you drink? You smell of alcohol! Is it because of carriers?"

"Go away."

"Is it because of —"

"God fucking dammit!" Texas yelled, punching a hole in the wall near her right. "I said leave me the fuck alone!"

"Yes ma'am! I'll go now! Bye!" Sumner exclaimed before running away from the drunk and seething Texas.

"Laffey thinks you were too mean to Sumner," from around the corner Laffey poked her head out, carrying a case of cola bottles in her arms.

"Laffey... I want to be left alone. You know that well," Texas sighed, staggering away from the sleepy destroyer towards the bar.

Once she was out of view, Laffey shuffled the case in her arms into a more comfortable position. Her tired eyes gazed down the hall for a few seconds before, with great effort, dragged herself back to her room to drink cola and play games with Long Island.

"Texas... idiot..."

Yorktown rubbed her head in distress, attempting to stop the headache that was slowly beginning to form and leave her out of it for the night. Naturally if she was distressed she would drink wine. But she was having a headache, and it would only worsen from it. Her fast way to alleviate it was Nevada's bar, which was usually packed during this time.

"Nevada, a double of Hennessy VS," Yorktown sighed out, massaging her forehead.

Nevada nodded sharply, flipping a cocktail shaker in her hands. "Sure thing, Yorkie!"

"Not that name again..." Yorktown whined.

"Nothing wrong with it, sounds like a cute nickname!" Nevada defended whilst pouring a glass for the revered carrier.

"I'm not cute, I'm but an old and mature woman."

"I don't think so. I know girls older than you, Yorkie."

"Still..."

"You have the nerve to walk in like nothing happened!?"

The shout caught both of the girls', and pretty much everyone's, attention. Yorktown turned around in her seat to see the blob of white hair that was Colorado standing in front of a tall black-haired woman with a braided bun.

Yorktown caught her breath, navy blue eyes squinting. "Is that...?"

"It is," Nevada said, features becoming gloomy. "I'm a little surprised she came during the early hours. She's around here during after hours."

"Hey! What makes you think you can just come here and act so tired and miserable after all that has happened!?" Colorado yelled. "Answer me, Texas!"

"I'm just... Tired..." Texas murmured.

"I'm tired too! All of us are! Just because you got pushed back doesn't mean you become a depressed alcoholic woman! You know how much the battleships looked up to you? Do you!?"

"Colorado."

"Don't you start!"

"Leave me —"

"Did you even care about us!?"

"Leave me the fuck alone, Colorado!"

Colorado went to grab Texas' hand before the woman yanked away harshly and pushed her. With a reluctant glare, Colorado stepped back and went back to her table, a group of cruisers staring at Texas which she ignored and began walking to the bar in relative silence. Each click of her high heels sounded louder throughout the silent bar and, before they knew it, she was sitting on a stool next to Yorktown. The carrier tried to pay no mind to her but the atmosphere was already ruined. 

"Texas," she said softly.

"... Yorktown," Texas rasped out.

"I didn't think you - Uhm... I didn't think you got out anymore."

"After hours."

"Oh, well, are you —"

"You know what you did."

Yorktown wanted to ask but she froze, eyes staring back into bloodshot ones before they flicked back to the counter. Texas said nothing afterward and tipped her hat downwards to cover her eyes before a glass of Balcones Blue Corn was placed in front of her. Nevada looked at her solemnly before going back to mixing a drink in the cocktail shaker. As she takes her first sip of the sugary bourbon and everyone waited in anticipated silence for her to leave, a voice called out.

"Texas!"

The shattering of glass reverberated in the air. 

Chapter Text

"𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚗."
— 𝙵𝚕𝚎𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝙼𝚊𝚌 - 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜

Texas turned around. Bourbon stained her left hand, glass shards scattered across the counter, and her caramel eyes met rogue ones as lively as hers were in the past. Strands of red hair tied in a ponytail fell in front of her face, making her tuck them away. The action turned her attention towards her gloved hands, gazing at them for a minute in silence before she faced Texas again with even more fire in her eyes. Fire which was not ignited by any desire to fight but by deep-seated resentment.  

"I know you heard me!" The woman yelled again. 

"Maryland? You rarely come around her," Nevada raised an eyebrow.

"I heard Columbia yelling at Texas, so I came to check it out," Maryland said. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

Texas, pressing her elbows against the counter, intertwined her fingers and covered her mouth. She blinked rapidly to collect herself and stay awake. "Go away. I just want to be alone for now," Texas said. 

"You always say that," Maryland grunted. "When do you ever not want to be alone?"

"When I feel like it," Texas rested her forehead on her knuckles, giving up on keeping her eyes open. "Let me be."

"So you're just going to keep moping? Not even gonna try and go into combat like some of us or even work around the base?"

"I need time to think about it."

"You've had months."

"Go away, Maryland."

"Months, Texas. Are you still grumpy about it?"

"Stop," Texas attempted.

Maryland huffed. "So you are still grumpy about being —"

The battleship couldn't finish when a loud shatter interrupted her. Warm whiskey stained her thigh-high boots and spread onto the surrounding floorboards, the glass bottle that once held Balcones Blue Corn now scattered in shards. She went to yell something, but she was loomed over by a tall, threatening figure. Bloodshot eyes burnt into her own as a hand gripped her.

"I. Said. Stop," Texas intoned, firmly clenching Maryland's right shoulder.  

"Oooh... Drama," whispered a bubbly voice.

"Cleveland! Hush!" Another rebuked harshly.

"I'm only stopping because I don't wanna fight and hurt others around us," Maryland jabbed her finger at Texas' chest. "I don't take orders from an alcoholic hedonist."

"Fucking ruin everything," Texas mumbled and pushed her away. Her heels clacked against the boards as she began to leave the bar.

Maryland felt her frustration grow, crossing her arms with a frown. "Walking away? I'm not surprised, that's all you do now. Walking away instead of facing the problem, right?"

"You don't know what goes through my damn head," Texas snarled.

"Why would I ever want to know what goes through the head of someone like you, Texas?" Maryland snarked as she narrowed her eyes.

She didn't respond. Her fist clenched in great anger but held herself back because, much like Maryland, she didn't want to fight and hurt the others. Only a huff left her lips before she continued her walk, not daring to turn around and face Maryland. Hands came up to rub her eyes, blinking away something before coming to a stop to lean against a wall in the hallway. If only Maryland knew what was going on in her mind, then she would fully grasp why she was like this. But she didn't and could never. She could never grasp her turmoil or feel the overwhelming pain, misery, and disappointment. She. Could. Never. So as Texas leaned against the wall and stopped blinking, she couldn't help but cover her face and begin to snivel.

Mighty T. She felt so pitied for having such a name.

"Maryland! Why did you say all of that!?" Yorktown yelled and grabbed Maryland's arm.

"It's the truth, Yorktown," Maryland said as she scratched her neck. "She avoids her problems. She refuses to even have it brought it and will threaten you!"

"Because you decided to come off as rude," Yorktown rebuked. "Doesn't hurt to be as friendly as me!"

"You're friendly to everyone."

"Is it so wrong?"

"When you're trying to be friendly with a deadbeat battleship like her!"

"She's not deadbeat! She's lost without purpose! She needs someone or something to motivate and guide her back!"

"We were lost, but we all got back up and found a place with purpose! It's not that damn hard for her to do that!"

"Maryland. Tell me, have you ever been a leader?" Yorktown got up in her face, staring down at her. "Have you ever been looked up to? Have you even been flagship before?"

"No to all of them," Maryland said slowly.

"Exactly. Texas had all of that weight bearing down on her. When that day came, she felt it all crashing down," Yorktown said. "The disappointment she felt in herself, her own skills, and pride as a leader is something you won't even get to feel. She felt useless, that disappointment overwhelmed her and made her begin her spiral into alcoholism. That and a few other circumstances turned her into what she is now. One can say she's a shell of her former self. A husk."

"And have you ever had someone you look up to become that husk?"

"No I haven't, Maryland."

"Have you ever felt so heartbroken from that same person pushing you away now like nothing after giving them your all before?"

"No either," Yorktown shook her head.

Maryland yanked her arm from Yorktown's grasp. She winced and huffed. "Then it's damn hard to understand each other than."

With a few short steps back, Maryland rubbed her wrist and turned around to leave the bar as well. Silence returned seconds later with Yorktown standing in the middle of it all, glass crunched under her heels as she walked back to her seat at the counter. As insulting as it was to think about it, she did believe everything was going good until Texas decided to unintentionally cause a ruckus with Colorado and Maryland, more so with the latter.

But she knew how much the battleships looked up to Texas and how it affected them when she became such a desolate person in just a few months. She also knew how jealous Maryland was when the woman had spent more time with the Pennsylvania sisters. It seems all her jealousy turned into resentment towards Texas, something the other battleships like her feel. The thought made the pity Yorktown held for Texas grow.

Two minutes had passed and no one still had the courage to kill the silence, a matter she decided to take into her own hands. "Nevada, I need to know something," she said slowly.

"Know what, Yorktown?" Nevada asked as she leaned on the counter.

"Do you know where Texas is heading?"

"Her usual spot is the cliff overlooking the base. Are you going to see her?"

Yorktown only smiled at her. "Does she drink anything other than Balcones?"

Footsteps were one of the two sounds Texas could hear behind her as she sat alone on the cliffside again. The second sound was that of glasses clinking against each other. With her great memory she knew it was glass bottles, possibly alcoholic drinks. The person carrying them was someone she didn't expect to come to her.

"Nevada said you liked drinking this when you're here," Yorktown said softly, placing down two Garrison Brother bottles. "She said it was a good whiskey, so I got one for myself."

"You pity me," Texas said.

Yorktown froze. Then she smiled at her. "Is it so wrong to do so?"

"I don't need it from someone like you."

"It isn't wrong to receive it. Especially from someone who has gone through a similar experience like you."

"It's different."

"It really isn't when I was and still am looked up too," Yorktown paused to open both whiskey bottles, placing one in Texas' lap. "Did you know I wanted to get out of combat and quit being flagship? Once they finally took me out of the roster, I have been spending the past month enjoying myself. Nothing serious, just the occasional visits to the bar and casual strolls around the base and small talks with the others. I knew those girls at the Royal Navy had good tea, but it went beyond my expectations."

"Mine was forceful. Let that be clear, Yerktown," Texas huffed, feeling insulted and mispronouncing her name before taking a big gulp of her whiskey. 

"But did you know how much I hated the pitiful and questioning looks everyone gave me? The little privacy I get when someone barges to ask me questions or ask if I'm okay? To ask if I will ever return to combat or if I will ever do something?" Yorktown asked, her smile becoming crooked. "No. You didn't know because you never bothered to talk to anyone. Nor would you even care about me. Yet here I am for you."

"You know how I feel about that?"

"How? Tell me how you feel."

"I feel that you still only came out of pity."

"Pity or not, at least someone gives a shit about you, Texas," Yorktown said as she finally turned to face her. The smile she once held had faltered into a frown that was uncharacteristic as someone as elegant as her swearing without care. "If you want to be alone. Be alone. Just pretend I'm not near you."

"Just... Fuck," Texas groaned out. "Don't talk... Let me drink in peace. Let me do that."

Yorktown merely hummed before taking a small sip of her whiskey, smacking her lips behind her hands as she got familiar with its taste. A few seconds later and she began taking it with big gulps like Texas. The woman in question only stared at the horizon aimlessly, blinking away her sleepiness every time she felt the urge to take another sip. The times she did fully close her eyes only lasted for a few seconds before being interrupted by Yorktown lightly nudging her elbow against hers. The action made it hard for her to feel like she's alone like any other time in the past but, fortunately, she could just pretend she was just near a very big wolf that always nudged her. 

A big wolf that just so happens to be a woman that drinks and has a similar turmoil like her.

Chapter Text

"𝙸𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚢, 𝚒𝚝'𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝, 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎."
— 𝙲𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚝𝚘𝚠𝚗 - 𝚃𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚃𝚘 𝙼𝚎

Yorktown woke up to find herself leaning against Texas' shoulder, the woman not showing she was bothered by it as she twirled an empty bottle in her hand and stared out into the starry night. She raised herself up and held herself up with her left hand, rubbing her head tiredly. 

"Two hours," Texas said.

"What...?" Yorktown asked slowly.

"You were asleep for two hours."

"You timed it?"

"Needed something to keep my mind occupied."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"And I don't know what to say to you sleeping on me either," Texas shot back. "You seemed so peaceful doing it."

"Sorry if it bothered you," Yorktown said, feeling her face burn.

"I didn't mind it. Just unexpected. Doesn't mean you do it again though," Texas said.

"Oh... Did you sleep? You were about to fall asleep before I would nudge you."

"I only stayed awake in case someone needed to drag your ass back to the dorms."

"Really?"

"No. I was too tired to move you away and lost any urge to sleep," Texas admitted.

Yorktown merely raised an eyebrow at the truth as Texas stood up, each step had her wobbling before she stood at the edge of the cliff, reared her right arm back, and threw the whiskey bottle out into the ocean. Her unsteady balance made her lean forward from the throw, and she would've fallen off the cliff if Yorktown hadn't stood up earlier as well to bear hug her, falling onto her back with a painful groan. 

"Are you trying to hurt yourself!?" Yorktown whispered harshly. 

"I would've caught myself," Texas grunted. "Now let me go."

"Fine," Yorktown said and let her go, watching as she dusted herself off.

"Don't follow me. Don't even be near me."

"Even after what I did earlier? I know you appreciated my company."

"That's not even the reason... Don't be near me."

"You need someone to talk to. I can see it."

"Don't test my patience, Yorktown."

"I'm already testing how far you'll go to avoid me," Yorktown said. Each word was one step closer to Texas. "Don't test my patience."

Texas snarled, getting close to the carrier's face. "Test mine and you're ending up in the damn medical wing."

"Are you ready to face the other carriers if that happens?" Yorktown asked slowly.

"Does it look like I value my shit life anymore?" Texas jabbed a finger at Yorktown's chest. "You don't even know how little I care about it at this point."

"Me coming here shows that not only do I not know, but how I do not care," Yorktown said and pushed her finger away.

"... Don't be near me in public," Texas huffed, abruptly turning around and walking away.

Yorktown wouldn't describe the scene as "walking" as the woman would stumble every few seconds, almost crashing into a tree before she rebalanced herself and continue her trek back to base. The sight looked pitiful to her, she wondered if someday that would be her but erased those thoughts as quickly as they came. It wouldn't do any good thinking like that when she's supposed to be helping Texas, an emphasis on the helping as it seems one-sided right now. Her positive mindset makes her hope it will change one day. 

But right now Yorktown could only look at the bourbon bottle, take one last gulp of it, and follow behind Texas back to base.

Hangovers were always painful to deal with. Texas knew this better than anyone on base as she stumbled into the bar before opening hours and sat herself at the counter, laying herself on it with a heavy groan of pain that was followed with incoherent mumbling. 

Nevada looked upon with a questioning glance. "Rare instance of you coming before opening hours. Hungover and got nothing in your room to help?"

"No. I came to see you," Texas said.

"See me for what —"

"I know you told Yorktown about my spot."

"I see no problem. Like I've been saying, talk to someone for once."

"Don't start giving that shit away like candy. I like my alone time."

"So you aren't mad at all about me telling her."

"Don't twist it, Nevada. I am mad."

"Doesn't sound like it. You look less... Grumpier," Nevada snorted. "Seems Yorkie did her whatever-it-is magic."

"I only talked to her, Nevada," Yorktown smiled from her spot at the doorway.

"For fucksakes," Texas whined, resting her head in her hand. "Leave me alone."

"I came to give you this," Yorktown slid over a small cup. "Green tea, courtesy of Amagi."

"Another carrier? I'd rather get it from Mikasa."

"I know you don't mean that, Texas. Amagi was actually keen on helping you."

"Only out of —"

"What? Pity?" Yorktown cut in. "Not everything is done out of pity. Some do things out of the kindness of their heart and simply wish to help others just because of that. Shut that mouth of yours, Texas, and drink. The. Damn. Tea."

"... Fine," Texas grumbled, grabbing the cup harshly and taking one sip of it. Her face scrunched as she hurriedly swallowed. "Motherfucking...! Christ, tell me that it's hot beforehand!"

"Slipped my mind," Yorktown said and tapped her chin, gazing away.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Texas said and stood up with the cup in hand, walking out the bar but not before mumbling. "... Thanks, I guess."

This time she didn't stumble out of the bar and, instead, walked normally and took occasional sips of the green tea after blowing on it loudly. Yorktown almost giggled at the sight but held herself back, she knew that Texas wouldn't hesitate to throw the hot liquid at her face if she did and the last thing she needed was an angry and grumpy battleship. Once out of the bar, she let out a yawn and stretched her arms, resting her head on her hands as she watched Nevada cleaned dirty shot glasses. A minute later and she was back up to leave.

"I'm going to go follow her," Yorktown said.

"Are you sure?" Nevada asked, concern riddling her face. "She might've let you slip by when you went to the cliffside, but I don't know, Yorkie."

"I'm knowing her little by little," Yorktown smiled. "And I'm sure she doesn't mind my company."

"What the hell are you doing now?"

"Being company, of course."

"Didn't I say to not be near me?"

"Ah, but didn't you say in public?" Yorktown asked with a sly grin. "We're in private, aren't we?"

"God dammit..." Texas groaned.

The battleship had not anticipated the carrier barging into her room as she recovered from her hangover. She couldn't get any other answer other than her wanting to give her company. If Texas were thinking about it hard enough, she'd assume it was out of pity. Well that's what her mind thinks, but even she's starting to doubt that a little. She didn't know at this point.

"Is there an actual reason you're here?" Texas asked.

"I already told you, I want to keep you company," Yorktown smiled.

"I don't need company. Nor do I need someone to talk to."

"Always on this "not wanting company or people to talk with" mindset. Why?"

"There's a reason I don't want you to be seen around me in public. And I don't want to talk to people because I just don't want to."

"I'm here right now, just... Talk. Talk to me."

"No. Just go away, Yorktown."

"Not until you talk to me."

"York —"

"Please," Yorktown placed her hand over Texas' hand, squeezing it. "At least have one person to talk to."

"Dammit! Just..." Texas trailed off and looked away. Yorktown couldn't tell what expression she was making but could barely hear her whisper something out. "I'll fucking talk, stop being so damn pushing."

"See?" Yorktown sighed. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Don't push it," Texas growled.

"If that's what you say. Texas, I want you to tell me everything. Tell me why you're like this," Yorktown explained. 

"It involves you and the others," Texas said. "I hold grudges for a reason."

"I don't care. Just tell me why you harbor them," Yorktown squeezed her hand.

Texas, for the first time in a long time, felt vulnerable. Was she really going to tell this woman, whom she only knew for two days minimum, everything? Was she really? Would she go behind her back and tell everyone? She had no answer to any of those, her mind began blanking out momentarily. Whether it was from the situation itself or her headache she could not tell. All she knew was that she needed to do something at this very moment and get this woman away. She was being too close for comfort.

Texas balled up her free right hand, rested her elbow against the table, and covered her mouth. Her caramel eyes gazed hard into the wall ahead before, with a tired sigh, she turned to Yorktown. She could just blame the hangover for making her agree to this. She could just drown in bourbon again to forget this ever happened. She could just talk to someone.

"It..." She paused, unballing her hand to grasp the cup of green tea and hurriedly gulp the remaining liquid down. "When those light carriers came back after their first sortie. That's when... I guess when everything crumbled for me."

"How?" Yorktown asked.

Texas offered her a sad smile. "My sister died that night."

Chapter Text

"𝙼𝚢 𝚏𝚊𝚞𝚕𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚝𝚑, 𝙸 𝚠𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚎 ... 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞."
— 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚢 𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚜 - 𝚂𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚜

"'Ey, sis! Whaddya say we hit up my bar after my sortie tomorrow?" 

"Now, what makes ya think I'll agree with this, York?"

"Because it's you! You never turned down an opportunity to drink free."

"... Got that right."

Texas blinked away her last remaining sleepiness and glanced up at her sister, New York. Her older sister tipped her fedora and flashed a small grin back, mumbling something to herself before chuckling softly. Even if she was the oldest, she rarely sees any combat and loves to occupy herself with maintaining the bar in Eagle Union's dorm building. Texas was asked why, and she only mumbled something about her namesake state loving alcohol.

All week New York has been going around offering the other battleships a free round at her bar when she returned from her sortie. Texas felt she was the only one that felt a tinge of concern for her sister, even if she really wasn't the only one. The fact she barely has any experience being a shipgirl worries her.

New York clearly saw Texas' troubled look, so she uncrossed her arms and yanked her sister's buckaroo hat forward. "Don' give me that look, Tex! Your sister'll be fine!"

"This is your first time in combat since you were resurrected," Texas sighed, adjusting her hat again.

"You just worry 'bout being the flagship, aight?" New York smiled, patted her shoulder, and walked away. "Your big sister got it all under control."

Texas never felt her worry leave. She wanted to take New York's spot, but her older sister was insistent on doing this. It didn't help that her worry was heightened by the arrival of those light carriers. "We're the future of naval warfare," they say. Texas felt herself scoffing at such a thing, how could a bunch of flat decks with planes dish out more firepower than her and the other battleships? She would be the judge of that, even if it meant going toe-to-toe with one of them in a sortie.

She just wished she could do that tomorrow instead of her sister.

New York stretched her back until a pop was heard, making her groan in satisfaction before she got up from one of the many benches in the base's main park and walked to the docks. She won't deny being excited to see how these light carriers fought, all the talk about them being the new ones to rule the waves has her more than eager to see if they can prove that to her, a battleship, a mass of steel made to rule the waves.

"Are you New York?"

The woman turned to her left, nearly gawking at the girl's outfit which, in her words, seemed either unintentionally or intentionally sensual. Some sort of schoolgirl-almost-looking-like-a-stripper hybrid outfit. If she had recalled the briefing from Vestal of all people, this white-haired girl was Casablanca. 

New York thought that was a cool name, giving the girl a welcoming grin. "Sure is, and you ought to be Casablanca, right? I'm going to call you Casa, cool?"

"Wait," Casablanca put her hands up. "You can't —"

"Don't bother, Casablanca," another voice cut in, also adorning a schoolgirl-almost-looking-like-a-stripper outfit. The hairband and brown hair told her it was that Independence girl. "If we can trust what Washington had told us on the way here, then we should get used to, and I quote, "antics of New York.""

"... She told you both that?" New York crossed her arms. "I shoulda gave Washy a good threat before she went off if I knew she'd badmouth ol' me!"

"Is that now one of the few things that gets you riled up, New York?" Asked an unamused Tennessee.

"'Ey, pass the buck to Washy," New York shrugged.

"She'll fight you."

"You an' her would fight me or Tex if presented the opportunity, Tenn. Why don' ya tell me somethin' new, huh?"

"Texas is worried still."

New York blinked, uncrossed her arms, and laid her hands on her hips. "Ya don' say? Well, where she at?"

"In her room. Alone," Tennessee said, a frown adorning her face. "I would say her worry is reasonable. When was the last time you saw combat?"

"Really?" New York huffed. "Well, during —"

Tennessee cut in. "As a shipgirl."

"... Probably once. But hol' up now! It ain't all that different!"

"It is, New York."

"Tenn, I've been a ship long before you were aroun'. I can handle a simple sortie."

Even saying that, New York could feel the two light carriers exchange glances behind her in what she could only assume was doubt.

"So..." Yorktown trailed before regaining herself. "Tennessee told you that's what your sister said?"

"That woman never forgets anything. Especially involving me or my sister, Yorktown," Texas drawled, idly twirling the tea cup in her hands. "Tennessee said I was worried, but you want to know what I really felt?"

"What did you feel?"

"Fear."

"But fear of what?"

"That I wouldn't see her again. I feared every single second, minute, hour, and day of that week. I begged that a storm would come and it would be cancelled, I begged that those carriers never arrived, I fucking begged that some other girl took her place."

"Oh, Texas..." Yorktown muttered.

"It sounds fucking selfish, but I don't care," Texas tried to grumble out, yet her voice cracked and got lower. Almost whimpering. "I just... I just wanted my sister to not go."

Yorktown for a moment didn't know what to do. She didn't know what made her body act before her mind could think as she reached behind to give the tired battleship a side hug before turning her to give a more proper hug. Considering they were sitting there was no height difference, but it didn't stop her from gently pushing Texas' head to her chest. She took off the hat and laid it on the table before giving a firm yet comforting squeeze, face pressed against Texas' mane of dark brown hair.

Texas grunted exasperatedly. "Yorktown —"

"Don't," Yorktown hushed, pushing her head away from the Texas' hair. "Finish the story later. Right now, just be quiet and accept something physical from someone for once."

The battleship could only mumble something Yorktown couldn't quite hear, but she could tell she agreed to it from how she stopped resisting against the hug she gave. It was weird for her because she did something without thinking, she can't remember the last time she did something like that. Maybe to her sisters or Hammann if they were having trouble sleeping. But those were close people to her, this woman - this battleship, was someone she rarely talked to up until yesterday. Yet here she was hugging her like she knew her for years. Pity? Sympathy? Sorrow? No. She knew it had to be something else. Something more than those.

But she was stumped. What really was it about Texas that made her do that?

Chapter Text

"𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎. 𝚁𝚎𝚌𝚔𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚍𝚎."
— 𝚆𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝙱𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚘 - 𝙸 𝙺𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚈𝚘𝚞

Blood, she tasted it on her tongue. Oh, god it hurt. New York could barely register the pings on the radar, neither the deep rumble of engines above that came spiraling towards her. 500 pounds of explosive power would come down on her at any moment, and those few minutes before that she felt at peace. Smoke blocked her view of the damage on her ship. It smelled nauseating, burning her weak lungs with every breath as her injuries proved dire. She stumbled hard onto the metal deck of her bridge, hands pressed flat against a console and using whatever strength she had to look through the broken glass. 

She was surrounded. Had she played the wrong hand it would have been worse. Something had hit her starboard side. A destroyer. Siren.

The first bomb came down with a low, deathly whistle before hitting the ocean hard near her port side. A miss. They were attempting a dive run from the side, of course they wouldn't land all their bombs. Another thing rammed into her from the bow. Upon contact with the Siren carrier, metal creaked and groaned and scraped against each other as a terrible pain surged through New York's head. She fell back to the deck and clutched her head, it was useless to try and soothe it, but her instincts told her to attempt to do so.

By the third bomb, however, she would find her pain being alleviated. First came her bow, rocked with smoke reaching to the clouds, then the rest of her ship followed.

Texas' eyes snapped open. She jolted out of Yorktown's firm hug and grasped the table frantically, she grabbed the tea cup and tried to chug it down, only to realize it was empty. In either anger or panic, or both, she slammed it back down and breathed heavily. Her right hand raised high and balled up before slamming down on the wooden furniture. Only after she did that did she calm down slowly, forehead pressed against the table and arms sprawled in front of her head. Why did she just do all of that?

"Did you remember something?" The ever gentle voice of Yorktown reached her ear just as a hand pressed against her back. Soft circling motions. "I'm sorry I brought back painful memories."

"I'm..." Texas stopped herself. Fine? She wasn't fine, but that was always a safe answer to give, so people would let it go. The problem was who she was talking to. Yorktown wouldn't let it go, not now. "Thinking. Just thinking."

"About?" Yorktown pressed. The battleship wondered if this woman knew any boundaries.

"My sister," Texas said.

"So that day, right?" Yorktown asked further.

"I was imagining how my sister might have died," Texas said. "I know I'm a mess, but I want people to leave me alone. Just let me... Just let me think —"

Yorktown cut in. "I think I understand now."

"Understand what?" Texas asked.

"You don't drink and sulk like this for some self-indulgent pleasure or time for yourself," Yorktown stopped removed her hand from Texas' back and placed it on her shoulder. "You're still grieving."

The only thing that elicited a physical from Texas. She flinched, sat hunched over, and stared at Yorktown. Caramel brown met navy blue. Distant and cold eyes met gentle and soothing eyes. A worn, grieving, and fundamentally purposeless battleship faced an energetic, happy, and caring carrier. Texas saw something else in Yorktown, but couldn't put her mind on it. Something so... Motherly? No. Not motherly, it was something else.

Yorktown saw her confusion and grasped the opportunity. "The others have simply moved on, yet here you are months later, grieving still for your sister and drinking away to not feel the pain. Yet... Yet you neglect those emotions by doing so and you repeat this endless cycle of self-destruction. You feel empty, don't you? Your feelings are unresolved. You want closure."

"They said she died bravely," Texas mumbled. "But I feel there's more to it."

"Can't you ask them?" Yorktown asked.

"I... Can't," Texas said.

"Why not?" Yorktown narrowed her eyes.

Finally, Texas tore her gaze away and stared at the table again. "Every single carrier hates me for what I did to them."

"What did you do?" Yorktown asked slowly.

"Unlike the others, I didn't take New York's death that well. I vented it out on those two." 

Casablanca suppose something like this should be dealt delicately. It really isn't everyday someone hears this. It shouldn't be something so openly said and should be done privately. But it didn't stop her friend from saying it like nothing. 

"Texas has perished in battle."

Be more polite, Casablanca would've chided. She'll do that later. "Independence, should we really be the ones to...?"

Her questioned was drowned out. Mumbled voices filled her ears from shipgirls of all types. Cruisers, destroyers, submarines, and the ones she dreaded to receive the news: battleships.

She had never seen a group of people shout in disbelief before crying so much in such a short amount of time. All of them cried except one. Texas. She noticed her gaze at them, how lifeless her eyes seemed. It scared Casablanca, it was like she wasn't staring at a fellow shipgirl, but an actual ship.

"Texas, are you there? Texas?" Arizona waved at the battleship, nudging her. "You're spacing out."

"... I'm fine," Texas said.

"Hey, don't do anything now," Pennsylvania warned. "Look I... I know it's hard to process but don't be irrational now."

"I'm fine," Texas said lowly.

"You're not fine," Pennsylvania pushed a finger to her chest. "Stop bullshitting now and —" 

"Fucksakes, Penn, I'm fine!" Texas growled, shoving the battleship aside.

"Penn!" Arizona yelped in surprise.

"Texas, cut it out!" Pennsylvania yelled.

"Oh, so we just grieve like this? Just like this!?" Texas yelled back, pointing at the two poor light carriers. "And them! Who do they think they are telling us this!? You... Bastards! Did you even help her? Did you even try!?"

"Texas! Stop it now!" Maryland cut in.

"So that's it! You probably think you carriers see us below you all! Is that why you didn't help her? Is that why!?" Texas got up to Independence. She yanked at her coat and shook her furiously. "Fucking answer me you fucking swine!"

"Texas."

She didn't even realize how heavy she was breathing. And while Independence didn't want to show it, she was almost on the verge of tears from the frightening woman holding her up. Texas reared her head back, stern blue eyes met her furious caramel brown eyes in a deadlock stare. Reluctantly, she let go of the light carrier who fell on her ass. Free of anything she fully turned to face the other woman.

New Jersey walked up to the woman, each step followed by the clacking of her heels before she stood before Texas, standing just a few inches taller thanks to the heels. Her frown never fled her lips. "You're causing a scene. As someone the others, myself as well, look up to, I expected better... Just better."

"Don't talk like you know shit, Jersey," Texas grumbled and shoved the more powerful battleship aside before walking away, leaving a crowd of shipgirls in her wake. 

"Penn, Ari," Oklahoma said, having watched it all from behind Nevada. "Is Texas okay?"

The Pennsylvania sisters shared a glance between each other. "Leave her be for now."

They promptly left afterward to their room.