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Chapter Text

“This is a big one, are you sure you two are cut out for this?”

Qiao Ling slid the envelope across the shop’s main counter to Lu Guang, who caught it before it slid over the edge. 

“We’ll take our time to look into it. If it’s doable, It’ll be done by noon tomorrow,” he stated.

“Thank you, Lu Guang!” She smiled brightly at him. “I can always trust you to make sure Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t slack off on the job.”

“Hey!” Lu Guang turned to glance over his shoulder at Cheng Xiaoshi. He had been playing a game on his phone while Qiao Ling had reviewed the job with Lu Guang. “I know when I’m needed. If you actually trusted me to make the business decisions, I’d be up there with you.”

“Idiot,” Lu Guang mumbled. 

“I can handle shop up here for the rest of the day,” Qiao Ling brought his attention back. “You two get ready for the job, and I’ll make notes of any other requests or processing commissions.”

“Thank you, Qiao Ling, I’m sure we’ll both appreciate it.” He glanced back at Cheng Xiaoshi, who huffed a ‘thank you’ to Qiao Ling as he moved to discuss with Lu Guang in the sunroom. 

“What’s the job again?” Cheng Xiaoshi threw himself lazily on the couch. 

“We need to get our eyes on a top-secret financial report, remember?” Lu Guang asked, unfolding the envelope and taking out the pictures he’d been given. 

“Can’t be that hard. I’ll just take a peek at the big boss’s computer while he steps out to use the restroom.”

“I’ll tell you what you’ll do,” Lu Guang turned to him. “It’s much more difficult than that.”

“So bossy…” 

Lu Guang peered into the photo. He ended up skimming over the finer details in an attempt to summarize the job to Cheng Xiaoshi without wasting time.

“You’ll start late at night in her office building. Post a photo of her take out… a chat with her boss…” his voice lowered. “…shit, maybe not just a chat…”

“What was that?”

He sees the situation resolve. “Never mind, nothing to worry about. You’ll take a phone call with her parents, then it’s back to work. For.. about four hours…”

“FOUR HOURS?” Cheng Xiaoshi sat up now, mouth agape. “Lu Guang, you can’t possibly expect me to-“

“After you finish your report, you’ll bike home, at around two in the morning.”

He saw Cheng Xiaoshi stiffen out of the corner of his eye. 

Lu Guang blinked away his learnings from the photo and turned to look at him. “Is something wrong?”

“What?” Cheng Xiaoshi laughed awkwardly. “What-what even would be wrong? It’s just biking, I can do that!” 

Lu Guang continued to stare at him. Cheng Xiaoshi eventually met his gaze, in which he shrunk to hide his face in his hands. “You don’t need to do that, you know,” came a muffled voice from between them.

“Do what?”

“The staring. The prying.”

“Cheng Xiaoshi.” 

He groaned, and reluctantly slid his hands down to peek out over them. 

“If something’s wrong, It’s better to tell me before the mission. We shouldn’t risk-“

“Yeah, yeah, don’t risk the timeline, I know.”

A beat of silence passed.

“If I tell you, you can’t be mean.”

Lu Guang nodded.

“I don’t… I didn’t… ever… really learn how to ride one. A bike.” Cheng Xiaoshi shrunk back into his hands and curled away. “It’s stupid! I know, I know! I…”

“Cheng Xiaoshi.”

He stopped talking, but remained behind his hands.

“Did you ever have anyone to teach you?” Lu Guang leaned forward, in an attempt to face him whenever his hands decide to rest.

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed. 

Lu Guang reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. Cheng Xiaoshi unfolded at the touch, finally meeting his gaze.

“We start at ten tonight, It’s only just past noon. We can find pay bikes by the park, and I’ll teach you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes lit up. “You will?”

Lu Guang’s breath caught in his throat. He composed himself, cleared it, then nodded.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s smile that followed undid all the previous composure in an instant. 

“Thank you, Lu Guang!” He jumped to his feet. “I’ll go get ready now! You can explain the rest of the job to me on our way there!” And just like that, he turned the corner and bounded up the stairs.

Lu Guang only realized how hot his face had gotten once it had cooled off in Cheng Xiaoshi’s absence. 

What the fuck was that about?

He could worry about it later. He stood up to stretch, then made sure to memorize the events in the photo to explain to him later. 

…

Click!

The lock popped open, and the bike moved freely. 

“Here,” Lu Guang angled the handlebars for Cheng Xiaoshi to grab. “I’ve adjusted the seat for you, let me know if it’s not comfortable.”

He took the handlebars awkwardly, staring at the bike as if he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“Uh…” Lu Guang pondered. He hadn’t exactly had to teach anyone how to ride before, and wasn’t certain on where to start. “Try just sitting on the seat, and getting a feel for the balance and the positioning.”

Cheng Xiaoshi steadied himself as he climbed on. He leaned to the side, bracing himself against the pavement. 

Lu Guang reached his hands out for Cheng Xiaoshi to lean against. “You can kick yourself upright, and I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”

Cheng Xiaoshi did as he was told, and Lu Guang carefully caught his shoulders. 

“Should I… try moving?” Cheng Xiaoshi looked over at him.

“Not yet. Do your feet rest on the pedals okay? And try just squeezing the brakes.”

His balance wavered as he attempted to find his footing. He tensed, leaning more towards the side that Lu Guang was holding him on. Lu Guang responded by holding him tighter.

“Thank you,” Cheng Xiaoshi breathed. “Is it really this hard to balance all the time?”

“Not really, it’s harder when you’re not moving. Try just sitting on the seat and walking the bike with your legs, and I’ll walk right beside you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi kicked himself forward, slowly making his way along the sidewalk. Lu Guang walked beside him, slowly releasing his hands, allowing him to find his rhythm. 

“Do you think you’re ready for tonight’s dive?” Lu Guang put his hands in his pockets as he walked beside Cheng Xiaoshi. 

“Should be simple enough.” He turned his head away from the ground in front of him, first looking at the scenery, then to Lu Guang. “Nothing more than just a day in someone’s life, right?”

“It’s not a life you’re used to.”

“I’ll make do.” Cheng Xiaoshi slightly swerved to avoid a rock in the road. “And you’ll be there to guide me. Like you are now.”

Lu Guang turned to him and was met with Cheng Xiaoshi’s soft smile. He turned away, hoping he had done so in time to hide his own.

“Besides,” he continued, “if the hardest thing I’ll have to do is ride a bike, we’ll have that debt paid off in no time. Look, I’m already getting the hang of it!”

He kicked off with both feet, using only steering to keep himself balanced. He didn’t go very far before he planted his foot on the ground again, turning back to catch Lu Guang’s approval. 

“That’s good,” Lu Guang commented. “Let’s try more of that. There’s a slightly downhill path over to the left, you can practice steering and braking.”

Lu Guang hummed to himself as they went along. The air was gentle and quiet, filled with the slight rustling of leaves and singing of birds. The noise was cut through by a group of teens passing by on a parallel path. The distance was just far enough to muffle what they were saying, but it was clear they were laughing in his direction. Their attention was then whisked away by another teen ahead, and they ran out of view to go meet up with them. Lu Guang swallowed nervously. He hoped Cheng Xiaoshi hadn’t noticed.

Cheng Xiaoshi stopped.

Fuck.

“Lu Guang,” he stepped off the bike, hanging his head in a way where Lu Guang couldn’t see through to his eyes. 

“Don’t pay any mind to them, Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. 

“Lu Guang,” he started again. “If I hadn’t told you to not be mean on the couch, what would you have said? Would you have called me an idiot?”

He froze. Guilt washed over him the longer he stayed silent, the longer he had to actually consider what his natural reaction would have been. His silence clearly wasn’t helping Cheng Xiaoshi either.

“I wouldn’t have meant anything I said,” he confessed. “I usually don’t. You know that, right?”

Cheng Xiaoshi shrugged. He lifted his gaze, but still didn’t meet Lu Guang.

“I don’t think you’re an idiot, Cheng Xiaoshi. Especially not for this. No one who hasn’t lived your life deserves to judge you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed, then finally turned to look at him.

“Can you give me a reason to keep going? With the biking?”

“Are you sure you’re okay to? We can find alternatives. I’ll make sure nothing gets ruined.”

“No,” Cheng Xiaoshi said firmly. “I want to learn.”

Lu Guang thought for a moment. “We can grab boba on our way home, I’ll grab a bike too.”

The other considered his words, then took in a deep breath. “Boba does sound good,” he smiled.

Lu Guang smiled back, fighting against the instinct to turn away in an attempt to hide it.

The warmth that followed made up for the cold breeze that had been biting at his cheeks. 

…

“Let’s try this,” Lu Guang stopped him at the top of a slight hill. “Let the hill accelerate you, but gradually slow yourself to a stop near the bottom.”

“Seems simple enough,” Cheng Xiaoshi assessed the decline below him.

Lu Guang walked down towards the base, stopping about three quarters of the way down. He gave a thumbs up and watched as Cheng Xiaoshi picked his feet up and let himself be brought down the hill.

Just as he approached Lu Guang, he began to apply pressure to the brakes, but seemingly misjudged the sensitivity. The wheels shrieked against it before suddenly halting, throwing Cheng Xiaoshi forward.

Lu Guang acted instinctively, throwing his hands out to brace his fall before he was off the bike completely. 

“Holy shit,” Cheng Xiaoshi said breathlessly, He grabbed one of the arms holding him. “Thank you, I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I’m just glad you’re alright,” Lu Guang sighed. 

“Are you sure I’ll be alright at this?” Cheng Xiaoshi turned to him with a worried expression. “What if I get her hurt?”

Lu Guang looked down at the hand holding his forearm. “You won’t let that happen, I know you. Once you’ve got braking down, you’ll be off like you’ve done it your whole life.”

“I don’t know what I’d do if I got her hurt.” He was still dwelling on the thought. “Are you sure it’s my place? Possessing people like this? What if I’m too careless?”

“Cheng Xiaoshi, you are the last person who should ever be worrying about not caring enough for someone. I don’t have a single doubt about that.”

He gave Lu Guang’s arm a quick squeeze before letting go. “I want to make sure I’m good at this. I’ll go gentler on the brakes this time.” He smiled confidently to Lu Guang. 

Lu Guang gave him a nod as he hopped off the bike to bring it back towards the top of the hill. As he prepared to kick off again, Lu Guang thought over their situation. Cheng Xiaoshi was really someone who acted selfless at the drop of a hat, and it had gotten him into his own little predicaments in the present alone. So far, none of the jobs they had taken had dealt with any truly heavy situations, but as their range expanded and their work paid more and more, Lu Guang wasn’t sure what situations Cheng Xiaoshi would find himself in, or if he could truly withstand what the job asked of him.

“LU GUANG! I DID IT!” Cheng Xiaoshi’s excited cheers brought him back to the present. Lu Guang cleared his head, then headed down the hill to meet him. 

“Do you think you’re ready to go on your own?” 

“Mmm…” Cheng Xiaoshi hummed. “Not entirely, but I do want that boba tea, so yes.”

“I’ll follow you back to where the other bikes were, and we’ll go from there.”

Cheng Xiaoshi kicked off and began to pedal. He started off slowly at first, then gained speed and confidence. Lu Guang began to jog behind to catch up. He watched as Cheng Xiaoshi began to swerve, not to avoid things, but to entertain himself in his new ability. Lu Guang appreciated their closeness. Watching Cheng Xiaoshi build up his confidence and find his rhythm- it was like watching him fly. 

…

The door to the photo studio slammed open.

“Qiao Ling!” Cheng Xiaoshi called. 

“Careful with the door, idiot,” Lu Guang scolded from behind him. “We don’t need to worsen our debt with repairs.”

“Finally, you two are back!” Qiao Ling stepped out of the darkroom and shut the door behind her. “What were you even out so long for?”

“Here ya go!” Cheng Xiaoshi slid Qiao Ling her drink across the counter. She managed to catch it right as it slid off the edge. “No need to thank me.”

“Really?” Qiao Ling stared at him. “I give you the day off to prepare for work, and you spend three hours on a boba run? Lu Guang, you were supposed to keep him from slacking!”

“Don’t worry.” Lu Guang gently shut the door and turned to inspect the wall for chipped paint. “It was important for tonight.”

Qiao Ling sighed. “One day you’ll let me in on your secret, and everything will finally make sense. I should thank you for the tea, though.”

“No worries. Thanks for covering the shift.”

Cheng Xiaoshi made his way straight to the sunroom and threw himself back on the couch, kicking his legs up on the coffee table next to his drink. Lu Guang went to sit next to him, but not before shoving his legs off the table.

“Hey!” Cheng Xiaoshi squawked. “I need to rest my legs before I bike again tonight!”

Lu Guang yawned. “There’s plenty of room on the couch.”

Just as he was about to unfold his book, he was met with Cheng Xiaoshi kicking his legs up to rest them on Lu Guang’s knees instead. He allowed it to happen, ignoring the temperature change in his ears.

“By the way, Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang flipped a page. “Did I mention you’ll be biking in high-heels?”

Chapter Text

“So, have you decided?”

“Mm.” Cheng Xiaoshi nodded. “Ready to dive.”

“Wait,” Lu Guang stopped him just as his eyes filled with gold. “Not yet.”

“Lu Guang, it’s alright, I promise I’ve thought it over.” Cheng Xiaoshi blinked away the gold, revealing his usual brown irises. “I’m ready to experience what Xu ShanShan went through last night. I’ll be safe, I can handle it.”

“It’s only two-thirty, and yesterday’s photo was taken at four. We’ve got time to spare,” Lu Guang explained, leaning back against the couch. “Come and sit, you’ve been anxiously pacing all day. Rest, then I’ll give you a rundown of the events in the photo.”

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed and sat down beside Lu Guang, leaning back and bobbing a leg up and down anxiously. Clouds had begun to cover the sky overhead, making the sunroom considerably dimmer than most days. If not for the events of the past few days, Lu Guang figured he’d probably be spending the afternoon relaxing and cloud watching, with a comfortable blanket and hot chocolate to accompany him.

The world hadn’t been so kind as to grant him that. 

A murder case far too complex to be solved by a single glance at a picture, the unknown status of an old friend, and the anxious state of his most treasured friend next to him. That’s what the world had granted him.

The world. Deep down, Lu Guang knew that wasn’t the truth. This wasn’t just a spin of fate’s wheel. This was because of Cheng Xiaoshi. Stupid, impulsive, reckless Cheng Xiaoshi. Cheng Xiaoshi, who never listened to his instructions. Cheng Xiaoshi, who felt Emma’s pain and reached out to her parents when she didn’t have the strength to. Cheng Xiaoshi, who dropped everything to try and solve a murderer in his drunken state. Cheng Xiaoshi, who was willing to face possible death head on in an attempt to make up for his wrongdoings. 

Naive, genuine, selfless Cheng Xiaoshi. It would get him killed one day. 

Lu Guang shook his head to clear it. He didn’t like thinking about that. 

“Everything alright?” Cheng Xiaoshi turned at his friend’s movement. 

Lu Guang bit his tongue and nodded. “Just the chills.”

Lu Guang couldn’t blame Cheng Xiaoshi. He didn’t have the heart for it. He was already regretting the earlier events of the day. Cheng Xiaoshi had listened to him for once, and as relieved as he was at the fact, it nearly broke his heart. 

He recalled Cheng Xiaoshi’s sudden reappearance and the image of him trembling and silently crying. Lu Guang had acted out of frustration and panic, not stopping to comfort his partner before he grabbed him by the shirt and scolded him for being so reckless. He scolded Cheng Xiaoshi for leaving without him, for messing with the timeline, for putting himself in a situation completely out of his control. Lu Guang’s control, that was. That period of time where Cheng Xiaoshi had been gone was terrifying to Lu Guang. He couldn’t make sure he was safe, he couldn’t reason with his impulsiveness, he couldn’t make sure that he wouldn’t try and save Emma at the cost of his own life. And yet, when Cheng Xiaoshi returned, nothing had been changed. Nothing but the look in his eyes and the tears on his face. He hadn’t saved anyone. He hadn’t grabbed the killer and taken justice into his own hands. He hadn't found Emma and promised to fix her past. He did nothing, just like Lu Guang would have wanted him to.

Naive, genuine, selfless Cheng Xiaoshi had swallowed all his feelings and brought himself back. For Lu Guang. 

The only way he could think to help him now was allow him to do something to make a difference. To actually change something. Which is why, despite all his worries and anxieties, he was allowing him to possess Xu Shanshan on the night of her break in.

“Are you alright?” Lu Guang turned to him.

“Better, I think,” Cheng Xiaoshi sighed, meeting his gaze. “Can you give me the rundown on the photo? Sitting here much longer won’t make a difference. I need to be doing something I know will help her.”

  “Right.” Lu Guang pulls up the selfie on his phone and gazes into it. “It was taken right before Qiao Ling brought Xu Shanshan into the studio. You’ll need to have the conversation explaining her situation again, then you’ll leave after Qiao Ling… well. You know.”

“Damn right I do,” Cheng Xiaoshi grumbled. “I’m still sore from where she hit me. I’ll have to get her back for that.”

“Then, you’ll walk and chat with Qiao Ling on your way to grab boba for dinner. It looks like… that’s all you eat for the night.”

“Really?” he groaned. “The best part of diving is always the food. No point in this photo, we’ll just have to find another one,” he smirks, still finding a way to make light in his situation.

“I’d recommend eating now before you hop in. After the drinks, you’ll walk Qiao Ling home, then it’s back to her own apartment. She spends some time reading, then sorts through a pile of clothes and patches up some holes. A quick clean of her apartment, and she spends the last stretch of time in bed on her phone. I can guide you through finding the intruder and keeping you safe.”

Lu Guang blinked the photo away before he had to rewatch the events of the attack and picture Cheng Xiaoshi in Xu Shanshan’s place. He turned back to Cheng Xiaoshi, who was staring off in contemplation. 

“Something on your mind?”

“Mm, not really.” He sat back. “Should be smooth sailing up until tonight. Talk, grab drinks, head home, clean, then wait, right?”

“Don’t forget the sewing.”

“Right…” he trailed off. “But that’s easy, right? Just poking a little stick in and out a few times.”

Lu Guang stared at him for a moment. “Cheng Xiaoshi, do you know how to sew?”

Cheng Xiaoshi groaned and slid his face into his hands. “I told you, you don’t need to do that.”

“Evidently, I do, if you keep holding back on asking for help like this.”

“Is it really common knowledge?” Cheng Xiaoshi peeked up to look at him. “Like, do you know? I always assumed people just handed whatever needed fixing to the closest person that knew how to sew. Qiao Ling was the one who fixed all of my clothes.”

“I’d say it’s pretty common knowledge. And yes, I do know.” Lu Guang held out a cuff of his white button up. “I’ve had to patch this one up quite a few times. My mom taught me how.”

Cheng Xiaoshi turned away from where he had been inspecting the sleeve. Right, Lu Guang remembered. Most people’s parents had taught them. 

“Wait right here.” Lu Guang brought himself to his feet, then went upstairs to rummage through the closet. He brought out a small cookie tin and a plastic bag filled with fabric scraps. 

“Cookies?” Cheng Xiaoshi lit up at the sight of the tin Lu Guang reappeared with. “Lu Guang, you shouldn’t have!”

Ah, right. Lu Guang probably should have considered transferring the supplies to a different box before bringing them down.

“Sorry to disappoint,” Lu Guang opened the container to show him. “Only sewing supplies. I’ll teach you before you head in.”

Cheng Xiaoshi rolled his eyes. “You owe me cookies later.”

Lu Guang sat down and retrieved two sewing needles and thread. “First, you’ll need to learn to thread the needle. It’s a tricky process.”

Cheng Xiaoshi took the needle and thread and examined them. “Should be easy, just get the little string through that hole? I could have figured this out fine during the dive.”

Lu Guang decided to let him attempt this on his own. He pressed the frayed end at the hole, examined it, then tried to smooth it out with his fingers. The strands popped right back into their original state, unable to be pushed though. This time he tried to twist the threads back into place, but to no avail. Lu Guang decided to stop him when it looked as if he was attempting to braid the threads into a unified rope.

“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang grabbed his wrist, stopping him from struggling more. “You can ask for help, you know. That’s why I’m here.”

Cheng Xiaoshi huffed and averted his gaze. “I shouldn’t need to ask for help. This isn’t like diving, where the only way forward is through your eyes. This is something most people can do without help. I don’t need help either.”

“It’s ok to need help. Everyone who can do it had to ask for help at some point too.”

“Right, but-!” He tensed his shoulders in frustration. “These are things you struggle with when you’re little. When you need your parents to help you with everything. It’s not supposed to matter that they’re not here to teach me anymore.” His voice began to crack. “I’m supposed to be beyond that now, I’m supposed to be done with the phase of youth where you don’t know how to do things.”

Lu Guang let the silence rest between them for a moment before speaking again.

“You are not any less than everyone else because you didn’t have your parents to guide you.” He loosened his hold on his wrist, then began to move his thumb across his skin to soothe him. “I will never think less of you because of that. Ignoring the hole they left in your childhood isn’t going to fix it. You have to reach out and ask for help.”

He felt Cheng Xiaoshi release the tension in his shoulders. He leaned back into the couch and let his head roll over to rest on Lu Guang’s shoulder. “You really don’t think less of me? Even now?”

“Even now.” Lu Guang hoped his heart wasn’t beating too loudly.

The head resting on his shoulder remained there for a few moments after they had stopped talking. Lu Guang liked sitting there, listening to the steady breathing, tracing along the veins in his wrist, feeling that his pulse was calm and steady- but most importantly, there. Compared to the Cheng Xiaoshi of earlier in the day- restless, trembling, anxious, crying- he struggled to comprehend how the Cheng Xiaoshi of now was the same person. Nothing had been changed, none of his worries solved, so many uncertainties still lay ahead of them. And yet, he was here, relaxing and calmly breathing next to him. He wondered what caused that.

“Alright,” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled, lifting his head. “Let’s not waste more time. Can you help me, Lu Guang?”

“Always.”

Still holding his wrist, Lu Guang lifted the hand holding the string up to his mouth. Cheng Xiaoshi turned and watched in silent confusion, catching his breath in his throat. Lu Guang carefully placed the string in his mouth for a moment before removing it. He released the hand he was holding. “There you go, now try.”

Cheng Xiaoshi was still staring at him, wide-eyed. Lu Guang froze in the sudden realization that that was probably not a very normal thing to do. Heat spread up his ears and into his cheeks as he stared wide-eyed back, unsure of what to do. 

“Uh, right,” Cheng Xiaoshi stammered, bringing the thread up to his own mouth. Very clearly lost in confusion, he mirrored what Lu Guang had just done, placing the thread in his own mouth.

Lu Guang choked, bringing a hand up to cover his face now burning with heat. “No, no,” he coughed, fighting to get the words out. “I meant… I meant try to thread it…” 

Cheng Xiaoshi blinked at him, then burst out laughing. “Lu Guang!”

Lu Guang didn’t realize how much he had needed to hear Cheng Xiaoshi’s laughter today up until now.

…

“For holes where the stitches won’t show through the other side, It won't matter too much which stitch you use. You’ll just want to make sure it’s clean.”

“Right,” Cheng Xiaoshi nodded while Lu Guang watched him stitch over his shoulder. “I think I’m getting the hang of it. How many do I have to sew up?”

“Only three things. There’ll be time to spare, so it’s ok to take longer than anticipated.” He checked his watch. “We’ve got thirty more minutes until the dive. Anything you need to go over?”

Cheng Xiaoshi finished up his stitch and practiced his knots one more time. He sighed and set down the fabric amongst the mess of scattered sewing supplies before leaning back against the couch. Lu Guang followed, and they both gazed up at the clouds together. 

“I think I just want a moment to breathe,” Cheng Xiaoshi admitted. “So much has happened. None of it is anywhere near over.”

“I wish there was a way I could help,” Lu Guang sighed. “More than just guiding you through the dive or teaching you how to sew. You haven’t been yourself.”

A silence settled between them for a moment. 

“Thank you for teaching me.” Cheng Xiaoshi rolled his head to the side to face Lu Guang. “I know it was for the dive, but it was relaxing to learn something new and not have to think too much about the night ahead of us. Or any of the next few nights. It was nice to just exist with you.”

Lu Guang softened as he met his gaze. “It was nice to just exist with you too,” he breathed. “Things have been very tense recently. I feel like I’ve been on my feet for the past few weeks. Maybe after we solve this, everything can go back to normal, and we can breathe for a moment.”

“That would be nice.” Cheng Xiaoshi smiled at him. Lu Guang found it easier to smile back at him today, even if just for a moment before the warmth in his cheeks urged him to turn his head back towards the sky. He would really need to get that under control.

“I want to apologize for earlier today.” He swallowed. “I shouldn’t have been so harsh to you. I know it hurt you, to leave Emma. I worry about you, Cheng Xiaoshi.” He sighed. “Thank you for coming back to me.”

Cheng Xiaoshi remained stilled for a moment. Only their breaths touched the silence that hung between them.

“Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi started. “Why didn’t you tell me about Emma’s death?”

Lu Guang froze. He took in deep breaths, trying to organize his thoughts into something he could admit, but he failed. Every feeling began to trip over the other, memories he didn’t want to remember came back to him, words he didn’t want to say pushed at the edge of his mouth. He had so many feelings, so many reasons, but he couldn’t help but bite his tongue before he spoke again. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

Cheng Xiaoshi stared at him a moment longer, then closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He rolled his head back towards the sky as he let it out. 

Was he frustrated with Lu Guang? Had his silence finally been too much for him? Was he about to unfold on him in the way that Lu Guang had done to him only a few hours ago?

Lu Guang tensed as he waited for Cheng Xiaoshi to reveal how he was feeling. He lifted his head as Cheng Xiaoshi rose from the couch. Lu Guang was expecting to be met with a hurt look, but instead found Cheng Xiaoshi only giving him a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Do you want a hot chocolate before we dive in?”

“Oh,” Lu Guang cleared his throat. “Yes, thank you.” He watched Cheng Xiaoshi leave the room before throwing his head back at the sky and sinking further into the couch.

Why didn’t you tell me about Emma’s death? a voice replayed in his head. 

How could I tell you? Lu Guang thought. I would break you. Your smile would fade, your voice would fall flat. Your eyes would flicker and tremble with tears. You would pull your outstretched hand away from others. You would curl yourself in instead of reaching out. You would hesitate in the doorway. I would lose you, Cheng Xiaoshi. Your naivety, your selflessness, your genuineness. Everything that brings me back to you, everything that prevents me from letting you die. As much trouble as those traits might get you into, I cannot let time give its punishment. In doing so, I would lose myself, too. You are everything that is good in this world. I cannot tell you the truth, Cheng Xiaoshi. I cannot break you. I cannot let go of your smile. I cannot tell you the truth, Cheng Xiaoshi. I cannot tell you because I love you.

WOAH. Lu Guang sat himself upwards in surprise towards himself. That was new. That was a new thought. His heart began to race. He didn’t need to be thinking that. He wasn’t ready to be thinking that. Too much hung in the air at the moment. Things were too uncertain right now. He didn’t need thoughts like that making him act reckless.

… But, even then… 

Did putting it into words really change anything?

He could feel it. Everything he had felt had always culminated in this. He couldn’t recall a time where he didn’t love Cheng Xiaoshi. And yet, putting it into words was terrifying. It meant he was conscious of it, that it wasn’t just a feeling anymore. Now it was a hunger, something to be satisfied. That’s what being in love meant.

In love…?

Lu Guang ran a shaky hand through his hair, leaving it pressed against his head to brace it as he leaned forward over his knee.

Did he want Cheng Xiaoshi to love him back in the same way?

“Here ya go!” 

A cup of hot chocolate appeared in front of him on the coffee table. 

Lu Guang blinked, then jumped back, startled by Cheng Xiaoshi’s sudden reappearance. 

“Dude, are you ok? You look…” He trailed off, studying Lu Guang’s appearance. He felt himself practically boiling in the spotlight. 

“Thank you,” Lu Guang cut in before he could finish. “For the hot chocolate.” He made himself busy with drinking it, as if he needed the increase in temperature.

Cheng Xiaoshi stared at him for a moment. “You’re strange, Lu Guang,” he told him before sitting back down by his side.

Lu Guang was trying his hardest not to implode. It was not working.

“One moment, Cheng Xiaoshi.” He stood up, ignoring how dizzy he felt just saying his name. 

Making his way to the bathroom, he reasoned with himself. Too much was happening tonight. Much, much too much. He needed to focus for just one night. He could shove everything inside until all the dust they were about to kick back up settled. Then he could address these thoughts. But for now- just a fresh start would do.

He let the water run until it was ice cold before plunging his hand in. He winced at that enough, but followed through with bringing it up to touch to the back of his neck. Shivers ran down his whole body, waking him back up. His head stopped spinning thanks to the shock from his nervous system. He leaned over the sink until his breath steadied along with his heart. Looking back up in the mirror, he was greeted by his relaxed reflection. Just as he had always been.

He combed his hair properly before leaving to sit next to Cheng Xiaoshi on the couch. 

“You ready for the dive?” Cheng Xiaoshi placed his cup down next to Lu Guang’s on the coffee table as he resumed his spot on the couch.

Lu Guang took a deep breath in. “I’m ready for anything."

Chapter Text

Lu Guang peeked at his watch.

5:28 am, January 22nd, 2022. 

It’d been about a month since they had gotten back from the hospital.

Life had been slow with usual “side-gig” commissions suspended. He and Cheng Xiaoshi had been awkwardly bumbling around the studio trying to find things to do, more so to pass the time than to work. Qiao Ling knew not to be persistent about the rent… or about anything, really. The studio had become much quieter. Everyone seemed to have their secrets, something to bite their tongue over. Trying to peer in would put yourself in the spotlight too, so in unspoken agreement, they figured silence was best.

Lu Guang had been up for hours at this point. There wasn’t much point in staying in bed— he’d make use of his energy now, and then nap later in the day. It wasn’t like there was going to be much business to attend to. He yawned, sat up, and carefully made his way down the bunk bed ladder so as to not wake Cheng Xiaoshi below him.

Once downstairs, Lu Guang went over what was available for him to do. Two processing orders, three completed orders that needed packaging, and a camera that needed to be shipped out in the morning. 

Business really was slow. 

He contemplated actually getting the work done. About three sleepless nights ago, he had completed all the work before Cheng Xiaoshi arrived downstairs in the morning. He had intended it to be a kind gesture, allowing Cheng Xiaoshi to spend the day not worrying about things to do. However, he had only seemed more restless that day. Lu Guang would peek over his book to find Cheng Xiaoshi waiting by the entrance of the studio like a dog waiting for its owner to return. Cheng Xiaoshi had sprung up at the arrival of their only customer for the day, handling the whole interaction by himself. It pained Lu Guang to realize that Cheng Xiaoshi sounded the liveliest these days when working. Cheng Xiaoshi fulfilled and packed the order himself, and returned to where he had been sitting before, waiting for the customer to return.

So, instead of working, Lu Guang decided to tend to the chores.

He washed the dishes with a slow stream of water, both to make the process quieter and longer. He dusted the corners and mopped the floors (a process in which he had already done eight times in the past few weeks), polished the (already perfectly clean) camera lenses, and straightened the picture frames on the wall (despite knowing not a single one was out of place). He checked that the books on the shelves had remained just as organized as when he placed them there the other night. 

Lu Guang peeked at his watch.

6:37 am, January 22nd, 2022.

Maybe he was going insane.

…

Lu Guang only got out of the shower once the lack of hot water forced him out. 

Dragging each task out as long as possible could only get him through so much of the day. Even if he was just hoping to make it to a time that was reasonable to nap at, every minute felt twice as long and he had checked his watch twice today to make sure it hadn’t been set incorrectly. 

After drying, dressing, blow drying and carefully combing every strand of his hair, he opened the door to the bathroom and met face to face with Cheng Xiaoshi. 

“Good morning,” Lu Guang greeted him. 

Cheng Xiaoshi only stared blankly for a second before blinking away his haze. “Ah, sorry,” he rubbed his eyes. “Morning, Lu Guang."

“There’s some work to be done downstairs,” Lu Guang informed him, stepping out of the door frame. “Would you like me to cover any of it?”

“No, no, let me,” Cheng Xiaoshi yawned, then flashed Lu Guang a smile. “Enjoy the time off, we won’t have it forever.”

Lu Guang stepped aside as Cheng Xiaoshi disappeared behind the bathroom door. 

Enjoy the time off. Funny.

Lu Guang headed downstairs, resisting the urge to check his watch again. Running a hand through his hair to press at his growing headache, he missed the sight of Qiao Ling waiting behind the counter.

“Lu Guang,” She grabbed his attention, which caused him to almost miss the last step of the stairs. 

“Ah,” Lu Guang regained his balance and composure. “Hello, Qiao Ling.”

“We need to talk. Is Cheng Xiaoshi nearby?”

“No, but not for long.” He glanced upstairs to check that the bathroom door was still closed. “I forgot to tell him we’re out of hot water.”

“Let’s make this quick then.” 

Qiao Ling grabbed an envelope Lu Guang hadn’t seen earlier and walked past him into the sunroom. He couldn’t help but grow anxious at this new tone from Qiao Ling. “Is something bothering you?” He asked, sitting in the armchair next to the couch.

Qiao Ling let out a long sigh as she sat down. “I don’t quite know where to begin on what’s bothering me right now.” Her eyes didn’t meet his. “So much has happened. So much has changed, and yet we’re all trying to make things go back to normal by not addressing anything.

“I’ve seen how you two are now. Cheng Xiaoshi has no clue what to do with himself, and you haven’t been focused on the books you try to distract yourself with. I…” Qiao Ling stopped abruptly. She took in a deep breath, then met his gaze. Lu Guang wondered if her eyes were always this pale. 

“Lu Guang, I know why you don’t sleep at night.”

He froze. 

She was exaggerating. She had chalked his nightmares up to the awful week they had in October. She didn’t know any more than that. She couldn’t know any more than that. 

Lu Guang relaxed his shoulders and gave a small laugh. “Qiao Ling, I appreciate your concern, but-“

“Lu Guang.” She cut him off, staring deep into his eyes. Lu Guang almost felt as if she could see through them, right into his head and everything he kept perfectly packed away in there. “I know what happened to Cheng Xiaoshi.”

His heart plummeted. “Qiao Ling,” He broke eye contact, struggling to breathe. He bit his tongue, then drew a shaky breath in. “You- you’ve got something mixed up. Nothing has happened to Cheng Xiaoshi.” His voice cracked. He’s not used to being uncertain in his words, he’s not used to being broken open and looked into like this. What else did Qiao Ling know? Did she hate him? Did she know he’s the biggest hypocrite to walk this earth?

“Hey,” Qiao Ling appeared in front of him, holding his shoulders. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that. Everything’s okay.” She leaned over to hug him, holding him tighter as his shoulders quivered. He shut his eyes tight. “Everything’s alright, Lu Guang. I don’t understand everything, but I do know that you and Cheng Xiaoshi are hurting. I’m here to help you. I’m here to keep both of you safe, no matter what that means.” 

She pulled back, and looked Lu Guang in the eyes. He met her gaze for only a second before he couldn’t hold it longer, flinching away to watch the rain pour outside of their window. He stopped shaking, but his breathing hadn’t calmed quite yet. 

“Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice rang out from upstairs. “You didn’t tell me we were out of hot water!”

Qiao Ling sighed. “I’m sorry, again. Come tell me when you’re ready to talk about it, alright?” Her voice was gentle and sweet, and would have been calming if Lu Guang was able to hear her more than his heartbeat in his ears. “It’s alright if the time never comes, I just wanted you to know that I don’t want things to remain unspoken until they get to you. I won’t think or bother you about it until you tell me to.”

Lu Guang relaxed a bit more at those words. Qiao Ling stood up and grabbed the envelope from the coffee table.

“I’m guessing you don’t want Cheng Xiaoshi to see you like this, right?” She turned to him as he nodded, still looking out the window. “I’ll let you breathe before he comes down. When you’re ready, look into this,” She handed him the envelope. “It might be good for both of you.”

Lu Guang turned as she walked by him to leave, grabbing her wrist before she was gone. He let go to set down the envelope as he stood up to face her. He raised his hand to his forehead, with his palm facing outwards and thumb tucked in. Then, he rotated his hand as he brought it out and down to his chest, making a fist with only his pinky sticking out as he pressed the side of his hand against himself.

Qiao Ling smiled softly. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, I promise.” She gave him one more hug before turning back to the door. “Text me if you need anything! I’ll be right there!”

As the door to the studio swung shut, the door to the bathroom slammed open. Lu Guang sat back in the armchair and pressed his hand to his head again, praying his headache would let up soon. As Cheng Xiaoshi appeared at the bottom of the stairs, Lu Guang flipped open a book he had left on the coffee table. 

“Lu Guang.” He was suddenly beside the armchair, poking a finger into Lu Guang’s cheek. Cheng Xiaoshi only received a wince in response before the face returned to the same neutral expression Lu Guang typically wore, not looking up from the book.

“No fun,” Cheng Xiaoshi muttered, then leaned back into a stretch. “At least give me a heads up about the water next time. I’m gonna go start on work, let me know if you need anything.”

Lu Guang nodded, only looking up from his book after the sound of footsteps traveled down the hall. He sighed in relief at the fact that he had been able to get through the conversation without needing to say something. He didn’t want to speak again until he knew his voice would come out just as it always had, without any faults or cracks. He realized that would mean feeling okay. He wasn’t entirely in the mood for self care right now, but if it meant not spilling the truth, he’d prefer it.

Lu Guang peeked at his watch.

9:02 am, January 22nd, 2022.

January 22nd, 2022.

Lu Guang fetched himself a glass of cold water.

January 22nd, 2022.

Lu Guang brought in a watering can from outside. The scent of rain lingered as he watered the houseplants.

January 22nd, 2022.

Lu Guang traded the book left on the coffee table for one from his bookshelves upstairs. He took his time to select one he hadn’t read yet, but found intriguing enough to focus on. He also grabbed a quilt on his way back downstairs. 

Just as he was about to retake his place in the arm chair, he noticed the envelope. Qiao Ling’s words echoed in his ears. 

It might be good for both of you.

He placed the envelope in the front cover sleeve.

…

“I've looked it over already. There aren’t any risks.” Lu Guang handed the photo over to Cheng Xiaoshi. “I wouldn’t have proposed it to you unless I knew it was something you could handle.”

Cheng Xiaoshi brought the photo closer to his eyes, as if he was trying to see into it like Lu Guang could. “You really trust me to take on another client?” He pulled the photo away to look at Lu Guang instead. “After everything I just got us into?”

“Don’t blame yourself, Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang looked away. He’d chosen his words carefully. “Don’t do anything you’re not ready for.”  

` Silence hovered for a moment as Cheng Xiaoshi looked at the photo again. “What exactly is it that I’ll be doing?”

Lu Guang opened his book to retrieve the envelope. He pulled out a handwritten letter from inside and began to read it aloud. 

“To the kind agents at Time Photo Studio,

“I hope this letter finds you well. My apologies if I’ve fallen victim to rumors online, but I’ve heard this photo studio has the ability to gain information from the past through just a photograph. If this is true, will you help me?

“Over the Summer, I took part in a program for art students. There was a student in my class who I always admired from afar, yet never stepped forward to contact. I fell in love with one of her paintings, and ever since that day, I have been aching to buy it. However, I never learned her name in time, and all my attempts to find out who she was have ended in vain. Will you help me?

“I am happy with just her name to start my search. Please contact me with the information left on the flip-side.

“P.S., I hope you enjoy the photo of the Hoopoe I captured the morning of our last class.”

“Ah,” Cheng Xiaoshi nodded in understanding. “That explains the picture of the bird.”

Lu Guang held his hand out to take the photo back from Cheng Xiaoshi. “Your day will be simple, you won't need the full twelve hours.” He paused to focus on looking into the photo’s contents. “You’ll just have left the house. The client was on their way to the train station when they stopped to take the picture of the bird. On the train, they had a conversation with an old friend and gave them some comfort. Once you arrive at the art studio, we’ll be able to find or ask for the target’s name, and we’ll be done just like that.”

“Oh,” Cheng Xiaoshi smiled. “That really does seem simple. With this, does that mean that we’ll be back to diving again?”

Lu Guang met his eyes and hesitated. He didn’t want to make any promises, especially with how uncertain their future was right now. He had wanted Cheng Xiaoshi to lie low for a while longer, in hopes of properly preparing himself for what could possibly set this timeline back on course with the others. A course that lead to Cheng Xiaoshi being gone, and Lu Guang left to-

“We don’t need to decide now.” Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice brought Lu Guang back out of his head. He was still watching and waiting for a response.

“Right,” Lu Guang sighed and cast his gaze outside the window. “Let’s just start with this.”

“You don’t seem very certain,” Cheng Xiaoshi was the one who hesitated now. “We have to work together during dives. If you’re not certain about it, why did you accept the job?”

Lu Guang sighed. “Oh, so I don’t get to pry, but you do?” He gave him a half-lidded stare.

“Wait,” Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes lit up. “You mean you’ll tell me?”

Goddamn it, those eyes. Lu Guang quickly turned his face away to hide the feelings that were about to be written all over it. “Idiot,” he mumbled, making himself busy with putting the letter back into the envelope. “You’ve been restless recently. You only truly smile when you get to assist people at the front desk. You and your stupid heart can’t go without helping people, can you? You toss and turn on nights that you go without doing a favor or offering a hand.”

The damn silence that returned reminded Lu Guang to watch his mouth. He couldn’t help but instinctively check what Cheng Xiaoshi’s reaction was. He was met with the same wide-eyed stare that had greeted him last time he did something stupid like this, but it was paired with something else. Were Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheeks always this… pink?

Lu Guang cleared his throat as he flicked his gaze back to the envelope, rushing to play it off before the moment escaped him. “Seriously, you rock the bed like crazy. I can’t sleep with all the creaking.”

“Ah,” Cheng Xiaoshi turned away. “Sorry about that. If you’re really certain about doing this, I promise I’ll let you get a good night’s sleep tonight.”

Lu Guang wished it was as simple as that. A wave of guilt followed for making his friend believe he was the cause of his sleepless nights. Well, in a different way, at least.

“I’m certain. A good night's rest for you, too.”

Cheng Xiaoshi smiled teasingly as he met his gaze again. “Always so caring, Guang Guang!”

Lu Guang rolled his eyes. “Maybe it’s a sign to move out instead.”

Cheng Xiaoshi huffed out a laugh. “Like you could leave my side. Are we gonna dive or not?”

“Wait,” Lu Guang stopped him. “You’re not ready to go in yet.”

“What?” Cheng Xiaoshi questioned him. “Everything you described in the photo seems just fine, no problems or uncertainties. I’m sure I’m ready for it.”

Lu Guang gave him a glance. Then, he lifted his hand to point at Cheng Xiaoshi, then formed and “L” shape in front of his chest and flicked his wrist to rotate it twice. He pointed his finger out to his right, facing the back of his palm out as he brought the tip of his finger to his chin before moving the gesture once in a circle outwards from him. He then moved his arm to point the finger back out between them, before finally making another “L” shape pointed at Cheng Xiaoshi and lightly rocking it side to side. He returned his hand to his lap. 

Cheng Xiaoshi was staring blankly at him, wide eyed in confusion. 

“If you respond to what I just signed, I’ll let you go in.” Lu Guang held out his hand for Cheng Xiaoshi to clap. He flinched away.

“More sign language? At least you have the sense to teach me ahead of time,” He grumbled. 

“If it’s too much to learn,” Lu Guang started, pulling his hand back. “we can always write the commissioner back and tell them we can’t acc-“

“No!” Cheng Xiaoshi sat straight up, grabbing Lu Guang’s wrist to stop his hand from retreating. “Teach me, I want to help people. I would never give up over a difference like that.”

Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes shined with the passion he burned with when he set his heart on something. The passion that led him to try to fix things out of his control. The passion that led him to consider others before himself and get him into danger. The passion that Lu Guang had fallen in love with, the passion he couldn’t look away from, the passion that he would rather break the world a million times over for than ever ask to die out. 

You are everything that is good in this world.

Lu Guang coughed into his elbow, giving him an excuse to pull his hand back and break eye contact with Cheng Xiaoshi. “Sorry about that,” he rasped, before clearing his throat (and his mind with it). “I’ll teach you. The conversation with the friend on the train is done completely in sign language. I can give you a translation of what their friend says as you talk to them, so I’ll teach you what you need to respond with.”

Cheng Xiaoshi beamed. Lu Guang wondered how much more of Cheng Xiaoshi his heart could handle.

…

“… They’ll express concern for telling you so much, to which you’ll need to sign that you don’t mind. It’s a motion like this.” 

Lu Guang pointed at his chest, then moved his hand up and over his face swiftly to come down over his shoulder and finish with a brushing motion.

“Alright,” Cheng Xiaoshi hummed, lifting his finger up to point at his chest the way he had been shown. He then brought his hand up to his head, and hesitated. “Wait, how am I supposed to move it?”

“Here,” Lu Guang leaned over the side of the armchair awkwardly to guide Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrist. “It moves over your face but-“

“Lu Guang, why have you been sitting in the armchair recently?” Cheng Xiaoshi cut him off. He patted the couch beside him. “Come sit over here, it’ll make it easier. Besides, you’ve always complained about how uncomfortable that chair was.”

Lu Guang stared hesitantly at the space on the couch. He slowly brought himself to his feet, but they wouldn’t move near it.

“What’s wrong?” Cheng Xiaoshi watched him with concern.

Lu Guang bit his tongue. “Nothing,” he said, but his body began to expose the lie. His breathing began to shake. 

“You don’t have to,” Cheng Xiaoshi told him. “What is it that’s bothering you?”

“I guess I’ve just avoided it,” Lu Guang struggled to get each word out, “ever since I was sta-“

His voice cracked, and just like that, his throat ran dry and his mouth snapped shut. 

Shit.

“Lu Guang?”

He shut his eyes tight. He wanted to be gone, far far away from this moment where his voice failed him. His head spun with panic and embarrassment.

“Lu Guang, say something!” 

He couldn’t. His voice wouldn’t sound right. He didn’t know why he couldn’t get over that fact. Standing there and trembling was bad enough as it was. He didn’t need his voice to make him feel any smaller than he already felt.

“Lu Guang, look at me.”

Lu Guang opened his eyes to see Cheng Xiaoshi standing to face him. He lifted his hand to point at Lu Guang, then rotated his finger into a thumbs up with a tilt of his head.

Are you alright?

Lu Guang blinked. It was the sign he had just taught him. Cheng Xiaoshi had only just started learning, but if he was keen on details, maybe Lu Guang could communicate with him.

He lifted his own finger to point at himself before bringing both hands to his chest and making flexed claws that grabbed inwards towards him.

I am afraid.

It was a sign the client’s friend had used, but not one Cheng Xiaoshi had been taught to sign. Lu Guang had quickly signed it once as he ran through the conversation. Lu Guang could only pray that he remembered the translation.

Cheng Xiaoshi looked up from Lu Guang’s signing and smiled. He pointed, then made an OK sign with his hand and flipped it into a thumbs up.

It is okay.

Lu Guang softened. Of course Cheng Xiaoshi would remember it. 

He smiled more at the sight of Lu Guang relaxing slightly. He went to speak again, but caught his voice before it came out. He thought for a moment, before bringing his hands next to each other, palms up, and lightly bouncing them. Then, he looked back towards the couch and tilted his head at Lu Guang, offering his hand for him to take.

Now?

He had plucked the word from a phrase he was taught. Lu Guang pieced his actions together, and assumed he was asking if he wanted to try moving to the couch now or if he wasn’t ready yet. He took a deep breath in and nodded, taking Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand.

Cheng Xiaoshi positioned himself by Lu Guang’s side. He hovered his hand over where Lu Guang’s scar was, waiting for approval in the form of a nod, before gently placing it over his sweater and pressing lightly. Lu Guang let himself gently be guided forward, taking in how gentle and intimate Cheng Xiaoshi could be. 

Cheng Xiaoshi sat down first, still keeping his hands on Lu Guang as he guided him to sit. Lu Guang almost expected it to feel harsh, sitting back where he was the night everything went wrong, but instead he found himself unfolding. He really did hate that armchair. Even if this was where he was when everything went wrong, it was also where he spent every moment that things went right. He leaned his head all the way back where rain was pattering down on the sun roof.

After he had felt his body relax, he lifted his head back up and turned to Cheng Xiaoshi, who had been carefully watching him the whole time. Lu Guang sighed. He raised his hand to his forehead, with his palm facing outwards and thumb tucked in. Then, he rotated his hand as he brought it out and down to his chest, making a fist with only his pinky sticking out as he pressed the side of his hand against himself.

I’m sorry.

Cheng Xiaoshi smiled softly, lifting his finger up to point at his chest, then up to his head, and hesitated. A confused expression crossed his face as he tried to remember the rest of the sign. Lu Guang gently took his hand in his, and finished the sweeping motion over his shoulder.

I don’t mind.

Cheng Xiaoshi beamed in pride after finishing the sign. Lu Guang smiled softly, then let his hand rest intertwined with Cheng Xiaoshi’s as he leaned back into the couch. 

He had always found it easier to be honest with his body rather than his mouth.

Lu Guang glanced at the clock on the wall. 

1:14 pm. 

January 22nd, 2022.

He could worry about being busy later. As for now, it was the perfect time for a nap.

Chapter Text

“I’m ready to talk.”

Qiao Ling looked up from the record book. “Are you sure? I was expecting you to hold off for longer.”

Lu Guang grumbled. “I wanted to, but I have questions for you, too.” 

Qiao Ling cast her gaze to the sunroom, where Cheng Xiaoshi had set up his laptop and headphones to watch the new episode of a show he’d been following. She hummed. “Let’s talk in your room.”

Lu Guang followed her up the stairs, pressing his fingernails against each other to stall his anxiety.

“So,” Qiao Ling threw herself into Lu Guang’s desk chair. “How do you want to do this?”

Lu Guang turned back from shutting the door. “I think it would be best if you told me what you knew. I can work with that.”

“Alright,” Qiao Ling sighed, then paused to gather her thoughts. “It was the night Li TianXi died. When we were in the subways. I… I learned things.”

Lu Guang raised an eyebrow.

“As the light faded from her eyes I- I felt a sensation, coming from her hand. It went up and to the center of my forehead and then- I suddenly knew.” She paused. “I got all these memories that I had never lived, but in an instant, I felt each and every one of them. Some were hers, some were ones she had seen from other people. One of those people was you, Lu Guang.”

“But- how did she get a photo of me? I deleted everything online.”

“Oh…” Qiao Ling looked away guiltily. “That would have been my fault. After you had been taken hostage on the boat, Cheng Xiaoshi and I wanted to see if she could tell us if you were okay. However… she wasn’t able to keep her hold on the picture. She threw herself away from it, sobbing.” She brought her gaze back to Lu Guang. “And… I think I understand why.”

Lu Guang sighed and moved to sit on Cheng Xiaoshi’s bunk. He winced his body away from Qiao Ling, anxiously awaiting for the truth to leave her mouth. 

“You lost him, didn’t you, Lu Guang?”

His heart plummeted. He brought a hand up to shakily run across his face before drawing in a breath to speak. 

“I didn’t lose him.” He paused. “I didn’t lose him. Because he’s here. Because I retraced my steps, and I found him again. And I’m not going to lose him this time.”

He could feel Qiao Ling’s gaze from the back of his head.

“I assume you haven’t told him.”

Lu Guang laughed. “I haven’t told anyone. There’s not a reason to.”

“You don’t think so?” Qiao Ling asked gently. “You don’t think he’d appreciate knowing?”

He doesn’t respond right away. The premise of telling Cheng Xiaoshi the truth brings out memories from the back of his mind.

Lu Guang remembered the only two times he had ever seen Cheng Xiaoshi cry because of him. 

Once was after Lu Guang had lied. He had told him he could save the client’s mother when he knew it would be futile. Cheng Xiaoshi punched him for it, then sank to his knees and wept. The sight of Cheng Xiaoshi contradicting everything about himself- his usual smile, his upright posture, the laugh in his voice- stung so much more than the swelling in his cheek.

The second time was after Cheng Xiaoshi had listened to Lu Guang. He knows the memory well, but the core of it still lingers in his mind. Cheng Xiaoshi had listened to something Lu Guang had asked of him- he had asked him to be safe- and after doing so, Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t bear to stand on his own two feet or keep the tears that pooled in his eyes from spilling. 

Lu Guang spoke again. “He’d be better off not knowing. I would only hurt him.”

“You don’t feel the need to get it off your chest?”

“No,” Lu Guang huffed out without stopping to consider the question.

“I think it would be good for you. Telling him.” She gave a soft smile. “You can’t live by just swallowing it forever. Even now that I know, I can see it in the way you interact with him. You want to do so much more. You want to say so much more. But, you don’t.”

“What does that have to do with this?”

She thought for a moment. “You seem so scared of the idea of Cheng Xiaoshi knowing you love him. You’d do anything for him, but you won’t say it. You want him to be by your side every step of the way, but you play it off as annoyance. You two have been through thick and thin, Lu Guang. I don’t think there’s anything that would separate you two now. You would do anything for him, except for tell him that you would.”

Lu Guang thought for a moment. “I wouldn’t do anything for him, though.”

Qiao Ling tilted her head. “Would you not?”

“Qiao Ling, I can’t…” his voice trailed off. “I can’t hurt him. I can’t fade his smile. I’ll do anything to put the light back in his eyes and make it stay there, but- I could never ask it to fade, even for his own good. I’ll do whatever needs to be done to keep him okay and smiling. I can’t tell him. He’d never let me continue through with it.”

Qiao Ling paused for a moment in thought. “Lu Guang… that’s not healthy. Keeping that responsibility to yourself isn’t healthy.”

He shrugged. “I can take it.”

“Lu Guang, you and Cheng Xiaoshi are partners,” She reasoned. “You work together. You know him, he loves to help people. He wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to help you out, to make sure that he doesn’t have you worried every second of the day.”

“I don’t want help with it. I trust myself to fix things, and that’s all I’ll need. The future can come as it wants; I’m ready to undo it.”

“Lu Guang, how can you still think like that?” Concern grew in Qiao Ling’s voice. Lu Guang still avoided her gaze. “After everything we all went through in October?”

He huffed and tried to think of an excuse before he had to actually consider Qiao Ling’s words. He didn’t want to remember that week. 

“Lu Guang, you’re overthinking it. A lot of things are going to have to change in our lives now, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

“Nothing needs to change,” He stated. “We’re all acting as if it didn’t happen anyways. I’d prefer life just go back to normal.”

“It can’t go back to normal.” Her voice became stern.

“Why not?” He bit back, finally turning to look at her.

She stood up, clenching her fists and raising her voice. “Because I stabbed you, Lu Guang!”

Silence hung in the air as the words echoed in the room too small to contain them.

“Lu Guang, I stabbed you.” She closed her eyes and hung her head, shielding them from Lu Guang’s view. The tears that fell to the floor gave her away.

“I- I didn’t know it. At first. But- but every night since then, it’s been in my dreams. And the words Li Tianchen said to you are in my voice.” She was sobbing now, her shoulders shaking with her voice. “Lu Guang, I stabbed you, again and again, and I watched you collapse and bleed. I couldn’t move my own body. I couldn’t save you.

“And- and one night, in Cheng Xiaoshi’s hospital room, we talked about it. Only one time. And he- he told me something. He told me that after you got st- after I stabbed you, that you said nothing. Lu Guang, you said nothing. You let Cheng Xiaoshi live in the past and you closed your eyes and you laid down. 

“That night, I spent it in your hospital room. I said I was just keeping you company, but- but after you went to sleep, I pieced it all together. You didn’t see Cheng Xiaoshi die just once, did you? You’ve seen him die over, and over. But- but this time- you thought it was your turn and you-“

Qiao Ling grabbed her mouth as she choked on her tears. 

“Lu Guang…” She whispered. “Tell me this isn’t your last time. Tell me you haven’t given up.”

Those words pierced his ears. They shot straight through him, hitting his heart and spinning his head and sucking the air out of his lungs. Carefully, he met eyes with Qiao Ling, watching as her mouth trembled and her shoulders heaved. He couldn’t say anything to confirm them. He couldn’t bite his tongue to deny them.

Lu Guang slowly rose to his feet and walked over to Qiao Ling. All he could do was place his hands on her shoulders and press his forehead to hers.

“Lu Guang…” She swallowed and wiped at her tears while they continued to flow. “Lu Guang, I don’t know what happened to me in other timelines, but-“

He tightened his hold on her shoulders.

“-but I’m not going to make the same mistake.” She pulled her head away from his, and held his face in her hands.

“I stabbed you, Lu Guang. Cheng Xiaoshi took a bullet for me, and you changed everything for him, but me? I don’t deserve you. That changes in this timeline, Lu Guang. We are going to make this timeline work. It’s going to be both of us. You are going to let me show you that there are reasons to speak. There are reasons to speak when you are stabbed. There are reasons to speak about what happened. There are reasons to speak to Cheng Xiaoshi. I need you to trust me on these things, and I need you to stop biting your tongue if you ever doubt that. But, it has to be both of us. Promise me, promise me, Lu Guang, that you will try your damned best to come speak to me, and I will make it work.”

His vision blurred as his mouth quivered. “Qiao Ling,” He whispered before she crashed into him, wrapping her arms around his chest and sobbing into it. He pulled her in as his own tears began to flow, shaking his posture. “Qiao Ling, I-“ 

His voice cracked.

Lu Guang knew he would have no trouble communicating with her in sign language, but- he didn’t pull away. Qiao Ling had really seen everything now. She had cracked him open and dissected him, seen every ugly secret Lu Guang had kept swallowed, and yet- she was here, clinging to him, begging him to stay. There was nothing he needed to hide from her, no faults he needed to keep sealed.

“I promise,” He sobbed into her. “I promise, I promise.”

“I love you, Lu Guang,” she sniffed as she pulled away from his chest, looking him in the eyes. “You are so, so loved. By both of us.”

“I love you too, Qiao Ling.” He rubbed at his tears. “Don’t say that, about you not deserving me. I don’t know what I could have ever done to deserve you.”

She laughed. Lu Guang felt better at her smile. “Lu Guang, you’ve never needed to do anything. I’m here.”

Lu Guang lightly smiled as he pressed his forehead back to hers one more time. “I’m here too.”

Qiao Ling sighed and pressed in. “We don’t have to talk about things today. Just- try to take a moment to think about it, alright?” She pulled back to give him a reassuring smile. “And, y’know, shoot me a text if things pop up. We can talk about them as they happen naturally.”

Lu Guang nodded. “I think that sounds good. I can do that.”

…

Lu Guang yawned as he sleepily made his way to the front of the shop. He was much too tired to keep his eyes open, much less place one foot in front of the other, but he managed to make it to the door without any casualties. He flicked the lock, then turned to start a kettle for tea.

However, he found himself fully awake without the tea- thanks to a young woman who had slammed the door open and nearly knocked him to the floor.

“AH! I’m so so sorry!!” she stumbled backwards, out of breath. Before Lu Guang even had time to stand himself upright, she suddenly spat out, “You’re the ones who can go back in time, right? You can change things?”

Lu Guang brought a hand to his spinning head. Slowly, he focused his eyes, taking in the guest for the first time. She was young, probably fresh out of high school. She was wearing an oversized sweater, and her hair was a mess of curls. She seemed very disorganized, and very, very anxious. 

“Not… not me personally,” Lu Guang began to explain. “Can you describe to me what you’re looking for first? It’s not certain that we can help you.”

She sighed, then resumed speaking at a normal pace. “I need someone to make up for my idiotic mistake. See, a week ago, my girlfriend departed for an overseas trip, and i wont see her again for another six months. She’s my first love, and I confessed that night. She confessed back and everything was going so so well… until her train came.

“I pulled her into a kiss before she left, but-“ She let out an anguished cry. “I did it WRONG!!” 

“Wrong?” Lu Guang blinked. How could you kiss someone wrong?

“Yes! I pulled away and she had such an awkward expression…” She threw her hands over her face in embarrassment. ”My last memory of her was her cupping my face, giving a small laugh, and telling me, ‘we’ll have to work on that when I get back,’ before giving me a kiss on the cheek and disappearing forever!” She threw her arms over the counter and hid her face in them again. “It was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life…” she mumbled from between them.

“Oh.” Lu Guang stared at her. “That does sound… distressing?”

She shot her head back up. “But you’ll help me, right?”

“Uhm,” Lu Guang looked away. “That really is up to-“

“Good morning,” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbled as he appeared at the bottom of the stairs. He yawned before blinking his eyes open. “Woah, a customer this early?”

“- Him…” Lu Guang finished with a sigh. Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t making the best impression of their professionalism.

The girl, however, didn’t seem to care for professionalism. “Sir!!” She ran up to him and pulled her phone out to show him a photo. She began yapping excitedly, retelling the same story in dramatics to Cheng Xiaoshi. His face displayed a look of confusion with a polite smile plastered over it as he occasionally flicked his gaze to Lu Guang. All he could respond with was a shrug of shared confusion.

“Will you help me?” She finished.

“Uhh…” Cheng Xiaoshi trailed off. “Lu Guang, is this allowed?”

“Wait, you’re considering it?” Lu Guang looked at him in surprise. 

“Why not?” Cheng Xiaoshi shrugged nonchalantly. 

“I… guess it’s fine. Again, it’s up to you.”

“What are you so worried about, anyways?” The girl looked between them. “What could be complicated? Don’t you just like, write down what you want to change in a magical notebook?”

Cheng Xiaoshi burst out laughing as Lu Guang sighed. “No, it’s not that simple,” he explained. “You don’t need to be concerned with it. I’m assuming you heard about the service online? Did you see the requirement of a photo taken at most 12 hours before the desired change?”

“Yes!” She pulled out her phone again and swiped to a picture before showing him. “I took this two hours before I left for the station, when I was asking her what outfit she wanted me to wear. Does this work?”

Lu Guang stared at the photo. She had taken it while standing in a mirror, showing off her sweater vest over a button up and a plaid skirt. He hummed. “It should be doable, but no promises.” He went around the back of the counter, where he pulled out an empty form. He clicked a pen open and crossed out the words “Sought Information” and changed them to “Desired Change” before sliding the paper across the counter. 

“Just fill out this form and send the photo to the printed number. We’ll contact you tonight if there are any problems, otherwise, expect it to be done by noon tomorrow.” He yawned as he finished his statement, the sleepiness taking hold of him again.

“Thank you! Thank you so much sir!” She beamed excitedly before eagerly scribbling out her information. Lu Guang cast a glance over to Cheng Xiaoshi as he waited, studying his expression. He had taken over Lu Guang’s previous quest of starting tea, still half-lidded and as nonchalant as ever. 

Lu Guang wonders if he really thought through the mission he just agreed to.

…

“I’m really surprised you decided to take this mission,” Lu Guang looked up from his book to cut through the silence that had rested between them.

“Hm?” Cheng Xiaoshi lolled his head to the side, now looking at Lu Guang instead of the dusky blue sky above him. “Why does it surprise you?”

Lu Guang stared at him for a moment before sighing. “No, now that I think about it, it doesn’t surprise me at all. Only you would volunteer to kiss a stranger to help someone sleep better at night.”

Cheng Xiaoshi laughed. “Come on, it’s the least I could do. You wouldn’t do the same?”

“Euagh,” Lu Guang grimaced. “Not even for double the amount we’re getting paid for this.”

“Huh,” Cheng Xiaoshi hummed. “Forgot we were getting paid for this.”

“You’d really do that for free?” Lu Guang raised an eyebrow. “Someone’s desperate.”

“Tch,” Cheng Xiaoshi scoffed. “As if. I’ll have you know, I dated plenty of people in college.”

“Not for more than twenty minutes.” 

“Hey!” Cheng Xiaoshi shot upright and pointed a finger at Lu Guang. “It’s not like I’ve seen you kiss anyone! Sounds like someone’s jealous I’ll be getting all the action!”

“Sit down, you idiot,” Lu Guang pushed his finger away. “That’s because I’m not desperate enough to kiss anyone who presents themself to me. I’d rather be still waiting for my first kiss than have thrown it away like you.”

“Hey, I had a good reason for pushing those people away.” Cheng Xiaoshi’s tone sounded more serious this time.

Lu Guang kept his gaze on him, prying for more. 

“So quick to assume…” he mumbled before continuing. “I never kissed any of those people I dated. Or anyone, for that matter. I’m saving it for the right person.”

Lu Guang stared at him for a moment. Cheng Xiaoshi sat with his arms crossed, eyes closed, chin pointed upwards. His chest was puffed out, as if he was trying to make himself look tougher.

“But… why?” Lu Guang couldn’t help but ask.

Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him in surprise for a moment, then looked away and scratched the back of his head. “I… I don’t know, man!” His face was fully turned away, but Lu Guang could see that his ears burned bright red. “I wanted it to be genuine. I wanted to wait until I knew I found someone I could trust.” His voice got quieter and quieter as he went on, as if he was making it difficult to hear on purpose. “Someone… who would kiss me gentle… and sweet…” 

An image appeared in Lu Guang’s mind. One that brought way too much heat rushing to his face. He quickly coughed it away, leaning over to hide and jolt himself out of it. He did not need to think about that, not today. Not when he still had too much to admit to Cheng Xiaoshi before anything about his intimate feelings could make it to the surface. And especially not with the mission Cheng Xiaoshi had just agreed to.

“I meant-“ Lu Guang cleared his throat one more time before he sat himself back up. “I meant why- why would you agree to the mission?”

“Oh,” Cheng Xiaoshi laughed sheepishly, still avoiding eye contact with Lu Guang even as he had turned to face him now. “Right, right,” he cleared his throat. “I guess… I’ve just given up on it. I mean, If I can’t hold hope for my own first kiss anymore, I might as well spend it making sure someone else’s goes right.”

Lu Guang pushed his thoughts aside for a moment as he softened at Cheng Xiaoshi’s words. He hadn’t been expecting Cheng Xiaoshi to admit anything like this, and especially not anything that he could relate to. He had held off on his own romantic pursuits in college for similar reasons- he wanted to be sure of things, he wanted someone he could trust, someone who wouldn’t make a fool of him by backstabbing his feelings later. 

Silence hung in the air for a moment before something caught in Lu Guang’s mind. “Wait,” he started slowly, then looked at Cheng Xiaoshi. “You said you’ve never kissed before. Do you even know how?”

Cheng Xiaoshi seemed to have regained his nonchalant, confident persona, which he showed off by laughing at the question. “Lu Guang, you have no faith in me. Of course I know how to kiss.”

Lu Guang stared at him skeptically. “Show me.”

“Wh-What?” Cheng Xiaoshi snapped out of his facade to stare at Lu Guang, flustered and caught off guard. “Like. Like right now? You want me to-“

“No, you idiot,” Lu Guang hid his face in his hand. “Just, like, kiss the back of your hand!”

“Oh, ahah, right.” Cheng Xiaoshi laughed nervously and cleared his throat.

He sat upright and made a fist with his hand. He looked to Lu Guang for quick approval in the form of a nod before bringing it up to his mouth. He opened his lips against his skin, then began to suck.

“Oh my g- STOP.” Lu Guang reached out and yanked Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand away from him, using his other hand to hide his own face which was now burning with embarrassment.

“What?” Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him. “Is that not how you do it? Isn’t the ‘muah’ or- or the ‘smooch’ sound a result of su-“

“No.” Lu Guang tried to compose himself. “No, no it is not.” He sighed, sliding his hand off his face. “You know, I was really wondering how it was possible to kiss someone wrong, but I think I get it now…”

“No need to rub it in…” Cheng Xiaoshi pouted.

“Here, just watch me. It’s a first kiss, so don’t get carried away with it. Something simple like this will do.” Lu Guang waited for Cheng Xiaoshi’s attention, then brought his own hand up to his mouth, and pressed a simple kiss to the back of it. “See?”

Lu Guang swore he caught a glint of light in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes before he blinked them a few times, seemingly to bring himself back to the present. He made a fist again and brought it up to his mouth, pursing his lips. He hesitated. His eyes flicked between his hand and Lu Guang in confusion.

Lu Guang sighed. “Here, let me just-“ 

He leaned over and grabbed Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand-gently, this time- and held it in his. He took a deep breath in and closed his eyes, then slowly lowered his head to gently press his lips against the back of it. He tried-very hard- not to think about how soft the skin he was pressing against was, or about how long he had wanted to perform such a gesture, or about how long he could stay in said gesture. He lifted his head slightly to break the contact, being careful as to not open his eyes, before he tossed Cheng Xiaoshi’s own hand back to him. Lu Guang turned his body to lean on the arm of the couch, hoping he looked much calmer than his heartbeat was as it pounded in his ears.

“Right,” Cheng Xiaoshi spoke shakily from next to him. “Thank you. For, for uh… showi- teaching, me.”

Lu Guang cringed into his hand. God, they were both stupid. He resolved to nod with a hum instead of trying to form words in response.

Awful, awful silence settled between them as Lu Guang waited for his face to cool down. The realization of what he just did didn’t help him speed up the process. What was he thinking? Did he really just reach out and kiss Cheng Xiaoshi? Without asking? After everything he had just said about how much it meant to him? Especially with how much Lu Guang has been hiding from him?

That’s the worst part, he thinks. If he could be honest with Cheng Xiaoshi, maybe that would make up for it, maybe then he could give it meaning. He could tell him that the kiss was a promise to be more open, both in relation to the truth and his feelings. A promise to stop biting his tongue. It could be a confession within itself, a confession that Lu Guang did want to be close to Cheng Xiaoshi, no matter how much he pushed him away to protect his facade. 

But he couldn’t confess that. Not when Cheng Xiaoshi only knew half of the life he’s lived. 

He really should not have done that. 

“Shit, Cheng Xiaoshi- I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

Lu Guang’s voice caught in his throat as something tugged at his wrist. He spun his head back towards Cheng Xiaoshi and watched as he held Lu Guang’s hand gently in his, leaning down to bring his lips to it. Warmth flooded from the point of contact to just about every inch of Lu Guang’s body as his heart clenched. He only had a few moments to take in the beauty of the scene- how delicately Cheng Xiaoshi’s chafed fingers rested under Lu Guang’s palm to support it, how sweet the simple moment of pressure felt as he embraced the smallest pinch of Lu Guang between his lips, how genuine it seemed to see Cheng Xiaoshi bow to meet his skin instead of bringing his hand up to meet him, how the moonlight kissed Cheng Xiaoshi’s hair in the same moment Cheng Xiaoshi kissed his hand- before he lifted his head, and their contact disappeared. He slowly opened his eyes, setting Lu Guang’s hand back down to rest on the couch.

Their eyes met.

“Was that alright?” 

Was that alright. Lu Guang thinks Cheng Xiaoshi should be a comedian.

“Yeah,” Lu Guang breathed, then looked away to clear his throat. “Something like that.”

The slight movement of the back cushion told him that Cheng Xiaoshi had resumed his usual sitting position. Lu Guang tried to calm his thoughts. If he didn’t clear his head, and fast, the reality of what just happened (and how much he enjoyed it) would kill him. Right, he thought, don’t overthink it. Bring the subject back around to the mission.

“So,” He started, “Now that you’ve got that down, let’s look at the rest of the mission.”

“Right,” came Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice, sounding hesitant, “The mission…”

Lu Guang paused. “Did you forget?”

“‘Course not. Anyways, what’s the mission?”

He stared at Cheng Xiaoshi. 

“Know what? Don’t even worry about it, just send me in.” Cheng Xiaoshi held out his hand for the dive.

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” Lu Guang pushed his open palm away. “Let me at least give you a rundown so you’re prepared.”

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed as Lu Guang pulled up the selfie on his phone. He closed his eyes for a moment before he reopened them, revealing the new cyan hue. Upon focusing on the picture, his vision dived in.

Lu Guang hummed. “Looks like you’ll mostly be texting back and forth with the client’s crush right before you leave. Remember, the confession happens on the platform, so don’t get too comfortable with her. You’ll need to leave early so you have time to stop and grab flowers for her. Once you’re on the platform, I’ll read you your lines and give you your cue, and it should be smooth sailing from there. Just remember to kiss her gently, no need to overdo it.”

“Right,” Cheng Xiaoshi nodded.

Lu Guang closed his eyes again, then relaxed as he put his phone away and sat back up. “I still don’t entirely understand why you’re okay with doing this.”

“There’s not really a use in holding off from it. I mean, if I didn’t get my first kiss in college, it’s not like I’ll get it now.”

“But- a stranger? You don’t even know what she looks like.”

Cheng Xiaoshi grumbled, staring into the expanse of the room before them. “I’ve already agreed. I don’t really have other options.”

“Guess not. I mean-“ Lu Guang laughed, looking away, “at this point, who would you rather your first kiss be? A stranger you’ve never met, whoever you can find on the street at this hour, or me-?“

His mouth snapped shut a syllable too late.

Fuck.

He did not mean to ask that.

He did NOT mean to ask that.

Never, in a thousand timelines, would Lu Guang have uttered the words he just did if he had heard them while they were still in his mouth.

He kept his eyes straight forward at the opposing wall as his pulse raced ahead of him.

This is Cheng Xiaoshi, he reasoned with himself in consolation. He’ll probably burst out into laughter any moment now and use this as ammunition to tease me for the next few months.

But Cheng Xiaoshi remained dead silent.

Lu Guang gathered all his courage to perform the simple act of turning his head to him.

Cheng Xiaoshi, wide-eyed, locked eyes with him. There was nothing Lu Guang could do but stare back.

“Can it be?” Cheng Xiaoshi breathed. “You?”

Lu Guang was completely frozen. Nothing he could say could convey how his heart and mind had reeled at those words- how desperately Lu Guang wanted cry and beg him yes, yes, please kiss me, close one of the barriers between us, if can’t be mental then let it be physical. Please, let me have one way to be honest with you.

His mind would not allow him to say it. All the longing for that type of intimacy with Cheng Xiaoshi was held back by the truth, unable to be passed unless it took itself with it.

So, instead of speaking, Lu Guang bit his tongue. Hard.

But... he couldn’t close his eyes. He couldn’t turn away.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes lit up. And they were staring right at Lu Guang. Unbroken, unfaded. They lit up for Lu Guang.

Those eyes were really what had caused him all his troubles and yet- he’d do it all again tomorrow, just to see them hold onto the moonlight they shone with now.

Lu Guang could never deny them what they lit up for.

He couldn’t say yes. He couldn’t say no.

So, he took a deep breath in, and said nothing.

His body moved without him, so gently it almost didn’t move at all. Subtly, he found himself tipping his chin up, then lowering it down. Once, then twice.

Lu Guang had always found it easier to be honest with his body rather than his mouth.

Cheng Xiaoshi let out a breath in recognition, slightly trembling the rest of his body. His eyes never moved from Lu Guang’s.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand lifted to sit on Lu Guang’s cheek, fingers splitting to rest between his ear. His thumb traced down from his cheekbone to rest in the corner of his mouth. Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes followed his thumb as he ran it across Lu Guang’s lower lip, over and back to where it started. Then, he pressed it in, making the lips separate as a breath of air escaped Lu Guang’s mouth. The rest of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand curled under Lu Guang’s chin as his thumb slid down, now holding him just by his thumb and index finger. He pried his jaw so that it hung ever so slightly open, before his eyes finally left Lu Guang’s lips and met his gaze one last time.

Then, they closed, and Lu Guang found himself mirroring them. He let himself be led by the feeling of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand alone as he guided him forward.

The open space of his mouth was filled with the warmth of Cheng Xiaoshi’s lower lip pressing gently to it. They moved lightly against each other, sliding off and then resuming their original place. Tenderly grabbing each other, over and over again, but not holding on tightly enough to remain embraced or imply devotion. There was an art to it, a rhythm. Lu Guang desperately wanted to keep a hold of him, secure the warmth and sweet taste of him in his mouth while he had it, but in doing so he would risk losing the taste all together if Cheng Xiaoshi pulled away. If he held him lightly- although it felt like the objective right thing to do- his heart would ache, their lips would part too soon, and he would never forgive himself for letting them slip from his. How they were now- embracing over and over again- pretending to never suggest commitment except for the fact that they returned without fail each time they began to part- was the only way Lu Guang could think to be. He could call it one kiss, delicately held together by the careful amount of contact they maintained each time before they pressed back in, even as his heart dived deeper into his chest each time they reunited in full. He tried to savor every detail of it he could- the warmth, the pressure, the softness, the taste- before he felt Cheng Xiaoshi’s movements slowing. Lu Guang dived back in one last time and held him there softly, not daring to be the one to break away. Cheng Xiaoshi remained there, too, and they sat in a silent promise to not be the one to recede, not until the other had drunken in the moment to their heart’s content.

A moment passed while they sat intertwined before they took in a delicate breath in unison, then parted, breathless.

Their eyes reunited.

“Was that-” Lu Guang paused to swallow- “was that gentle enough?”

Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes were shining like the stars themselves. He blinked a few times before coming to, parting his lips to speak. When only his heavy breathing escaped, he resorted to nodding his head in confirmation.

Lu Guang felt every muscle in his body untense as he let himself fall back against the couch with an exhale. His head tilted up towards the sky as he closed his eyes, letting his chest heave as he caught his breath.

He really just did that. Lu Guang didn’t think he could process any other thought in that moment, so he didn’t- he repeated it to himself as he rolled the taste of Cheng Xiaoshi around on his tongue. 

The air was filled with the quiet sounds of their breathing for longer than Lu Guang could keep track of, not that he was trying to.

“Lu Guang…” Cheng Xiaoshi broke the silence between them. Lu Guang carefully turned to face him in response.

“…you tasted like blood.”