Archive of Our Own ^beta

Working the night shift on Christmas was not something Lucy Chen initially planned for, but she made the somewhat last minute request, and since no cops want to work on Christmas, her presence was welcome. She entered the roll call room where Detective Sergeant Caradine took the podium, covering for Sergeant Grey who wanted to spend the day with his family, and she waited for riding assignments.

Lucy had completely forgotten about the fact that someone ALWAYS works a shift on Christmas day.

Tim Bradford.

She sucked in a breath as Tim strolled in and stood beside Caradine next to the podium with his hands resting on his duty belt. With his classic scowl on his face, he scanned the room as Caradine spoke, and then it happened.

Tim's eyes found hers.

It was bound to occur. Of course, they work in the same building; they see each other regularly, which included making eye contact, but it made Lucy's heart race each time.

Seeing Lucy could not be considered a rarity for Tim; they ended up working many of the same shifts, they would enter the station at the same time, so he would hold the door for her without a word, and if they brought someone in for booking at the same time, he would let her go first...and just stare. He COULD have resisted the urge to look at her if he tried, but Tim knew his eyes would always find her regardless of how crowded the room or how far away she was standing from him. He wanted to attribute it to a year and a half of riding together as his rookie and aide, but in some dark corner of his heart, he knew there was a deeper reason why Lucy seemed to be a magnet that drew him in. He would not admit to it, though. He almost did once, and that was not necessarily his greatest moment, which resulted in Tim and Lucy not speaking to each other. Their only interactions in recent months had been fleeting, silent eye contact and chance glances at each other's backs when the other was not looking in their direction. Nothing more. Not even a "good morning" or "good night" when they came upon each other at the beginning or end of shift.

Their radio silence was Tim's fault again. The first time they found themselves not speaking to each other was after he urged her to go to undercover school and telling her to "move on". Lucy did not want to speak to him when she returned from her immersive undercover training, well, actually she DID, but what could she say to the man that was pushing her away? They had ALMOST slept together, and then he wanted nothing more than to forget it ever happened and create some distance between them in the form of him appointing a new Sergeant's Aide. She was not sure their relationship would ever return to normal after that, but seeing each other at the station and crossing paths on cases or at the food trucks started to help thaw the chill between them. The first time Lucy felt like they were working back towards the friendship they once had was when she sat at his side all night in his hospital room after having back surgery. He was quiet at first, but she knew how to probe him to actually reply with more than two grumbled words, and by the time she fell asleep in the chair at his bedside with her head propped up by her hand, Lucy was smiling. Tim's soft grin and general grumpiness felt like a warm blanket of comfort.

She had missed that.

Just when she thought they could be friends once more, Tim went back to being icy after his breakup with Ashley as if the end of their relationship was Lucy's fault. He refused to even tell her about Ashley until she sent him on a scavenger hunt for his radio. Even then, he was back to being tight-lipped as if the time they spent in the hospital had been a figment of her imagination. Only because they were brought back together to work on an undercover sting operation did they even have a real conversation, and then they stopped talking for a few shifts after that. It was MADDENING.

Tim recognized the far-off look on her face that he interpreted as her "lost in thought" expression. Was she thinking about him, he wondered, or was he the only one deeply effected by the boundless emotional distance between them?

"...And last but not least," Caradine continued, "Bradford, you're riding with Chen." Hearing her name snapped her out of her stream of thoughts and forced her to process what Caradine had said.

Looking between Tim and Lucy who wore matching indescribable expressions, Caradine regarded the room saying. "Dismissed." As everyone began to leave the room, he spun on his heel to ask Tim, "Is there a problem?

"No, sir," Tim replied, even if his voice did not necessarily convey the confidence he attempted to pretend to have. "I don't need a partner, though. I'm fine on my own."

"It's a holiday. Lots of unexpected stuff happens on days like today. I want everyone paired up, so unless there's a reason why you and Chen can't ride together..."

Lucy rose from her seat and went over to Tim and Caradine as she assured, "No, sir. We're good."

Tim stared, wiling her to look at him, but she seemed to be purposefully averting his gaze.

"Good. Then, roll out, and be safe out there," Caradine instructed.

She started walking first, but Tim's long-legged strides resulted in both of them reaching the doorway at the same time and bumping into each other as they tried to fit through the exit simultaneously.

"You go," Tim whispered and stepped back to give Lucy space to leave first.

Offering a tight smile, she exited the roll call room and went over to the desk to collect their war bags and body cameras. She gasped at the unexpected contact when Tim reached for the bags at the moment she did and their hands brushed. Lucy was frozen staring up at him wondering why he was trying to collect the bags. As long as they had ridden together, she ALWAYS grabbed them, and he NEVER did.

"I got it," he said quietly and picked up both bags. They went over to the sallyport to stock up their shop without a word, and by the time he sat in the driver's seat, Tim knew he was about to have a VERY LONG shift

She slipped into the passenger seat and chanced a glance at Tim who was logging into their shop's laptop with that adorable furrowed brow expression he always wears when he focuses, but then she remembered the last time they sat in a shop together, and it felt like a cold glass of water was poured over her head bringing her back to her reality.

It was a bit of deja vu to ride on patrol with Tim again. Lucy had hours of memories with Tim in the driver's seat as they navigated the streets of L.A., but the only one that came to mind was from the last time the sergeant in charge assigned them to ride together, and they spent the shift trying to help victims who had bombs on collars strapped around their necks. The shift that was the reason for their second phase of radio silence, and it was Tim's fault...again.

Deafening silence. Tim would consider their shop to be filled with deafening silence as they wordlessly drove around. Surprisingly, they had yet to respond to a call since their shift started two hours prior. For a holiday, the boisterous city was suspiciously quiet. An actual silent night in L.A.? What were the odds?

Though he would consider himself a man who enjoyed the quiet, experiencing it with Lucy in his presence was eerie and unnatural. She was always chatty. He used to hate it, but Tim would have given anything for her to speak to him again.

But, her mouth stayed closed, and her eyes wandered around observing their surroundings but never looking at him...as far as he knew.

Lucy could probably cite some psychological reason that was purely biological why she kept flicking her eyes over to Tim's side of the shop. She could not necessarily think of that reason off the top of her head, but there had to be some logical explanation for wanting to look at Tim even when she was so upset with him. As her eyes scanned the streets, in her mind, her memory transported her back to when Tim had opened his mouth and ruined everything...

It all started as they completed the mountain of paperwork that came with the conclusion of their bomb collar case and the endlessly long shift; Tim casually said, "I’ll meet you outside after you change," then stood from his desk across from hers and went to turn in his case files and reports from the day. Lucy had been curious then, and she changed quickly, interested to hear what he had to say as a continuation of their conversation on shift. In hindsight, she probably should not have sat with him at the planters outside of the station's entrance. She probably should have gone home to speak with Chris about his sudden urgency to buy a house.

But, Lucy went outside to talk to Tim. "Okay, let's talk," she sighed and sat beside him.

He had been trying to think of the right words to say to her. Tim had been making thinly veiled comments for the entire shift telling her that she deserves "someone who's worth the effort" and probing her by inquiring if she loves her boyfriend. Her responses had not inspired a lot of confidence, so he wanted to speak his mind. Lucy had voiced her concerns when he was dating Ashley; it should have been perfectly reasonable to offer his perspective about her relationship in return. "Has Chris sent you anymore listings?"

"One's in Monrovia. Who wants to live in Monrovia?”

"Chris does, but it's pretty clear you don't."

"I'll tell him to look somewhere else."

"Is it the location that's the problem or is it something else?"

"What do you mean?" Lucy wondered.

"Look, this clearly isn't working out. I don't know why you won't just admit it. Unless…is it guilt? Is it because of what Rosalind did to him?”

"Oh, like I'm the only one that's stayed too long when things aren't working. You dated a lifeguard. You don't even like going to the beach."

"This isn't about me." She opened her mouth, and he put his hand up to stop her from deflecting. "This is about you staying in this safe relationship because you're scared."

Accusing her of being "scared" struck a chord with Lucy, and she put a hand over her chest and shot back, "I'm not scared."

"Yes, you are. You're scared to leave a stable guy like Chris when you know he's not right for you."

"That's not true!"

"I know you, Lucy. You said it yourself that you don't love him, and you've been twisted in knots all day at the thought of moving in with him. It's written all over your face that Chris isn't who you want anymore, so don't stay with him."

"Am I supposed to take that as an order from my sergeant?"

"No, I'm your friend. I'm trying to help you."

“We haven't been friends in months. You wouldn't even tell me about what happened with you and Ashley until I made you go on a wild goose chase to get you to open up."

"That was different."

"How? It's okay for you to try to talk to me about who I'm dating, but it's not okay for us to talk about your girlfriend?”

"Do you hear yourself? You don't even refer to Chris as your boyfriend most of the time. It shouldn't be this hard. Can't you see that?" Tim's eyes pled for her to see his perspective on the situation.

"You're right. It shouldn't be this hard to try to be friends with someone. All you've done is avoid me, and now suddenly you want to talk?" She clicked her tongue and stood up, not sure why Tim was suddenly so interested in speaking to her after endless days of silence.

"I didn't think you wanted to hear from me," he admitted to keep her from leaving.

"That's what happens when you shut me down about what happened when we got back from Vegas."

"Nothing happened," Tim insisted.

"You don't get it, do you?" She shook her head in disbelief.

"That day...whatever happened or didn't happen...that's not the point here. I'm trying to tell you that you need to stop kidding yourself into thinking you can keep dating Chris."

"I can if I want to," she crossed her arms defiantly then realized what she said and corrected herself, "I mean, I can date him if I want to. You don't get a say in my love life or really anything. You made that clear when you stopped talking to me after you got discharged from the hospital. I was worried about you and your recovery, and you stopped answering my texts or taking my calls."

"Because I was fine. I didn't need you worrying about me."

"How could I have known since you couldn't be bothered to text me back, and you came back to work on Halloween and brushed me off?”

"What did you want me to say?"

"The truth about why you ghosted me and why you and Ashley broke up would've been a good place to start, but no, I basically forced you to talk to me for five seconds, and then you went back to giving me the silent treatment."

"Why are you turning this back on me? The point of this conversation is that you need to face the facts and end things with Sanford."

She felt her anger flare. "No, the point of this conversation is we clearly aren't friends anymore, because a friend wouldn't say any of this to me."

"The truth? Friends tell each other the truth all the time, Lucy."

"Is that what you think you're saying? I can't believe you." She turned around to get as far away from Tim as she could.

"You're making a mistake," he called after her, but she kept walking away from him...

Lucy had replayed their conversation outside of the station countless times. Each recollection angered her more thinking about Tim trying to tell her to break up with Chris. There were a million unanswered questions as a result of one discussion, but he did not breach the subject again. He just watched her enter the station the following day and did not say a word to her, and she was not exactly eager to rehash their argument, so they both found it easier to stay quiet and avoid each other as best as possible. She knew it would happen eventually. She knew they would be forced to speak to each other again eventually, but she never expected to find herself on Christmas Day stuck in a shop with him practically choking on all the unsaid words between them that sucked the air out of the car.

Though a rarity in the time they had ridden together, Tim found himself being the one to break the silence. "Did you do anything special this morning?"

She whipped her head in his direction in her shock at his inquiry. "What?"

"It's Christmas. Didn't you do anything special to celebrate?"

Part of her wanted to ignore the fact that he had asked her anything, but her mouth moved of its own volition. “Tamara and I had breakfast together. She tried to make us reindeer-shaped pancakes because of something she saw on ClipTok."

"Tried?"

"It was a disaster. You know neither of us can cook," she chuckled thinking about the mess in her kitchen that she abandoned to get ready for shift.

There it was. For the first time in too long, Lucy was smiling. His stomach flipped at the sight. "Sounds fun. Why wasn't Chris at breakfast?"

Her face fell instantly at Tim's mention of Chris.

"What did I say?" He inquired. He was unwilling to return to deafening silence, so he had no choice but to press her more.

"Nothing," she sighed and ran her hands down her thighs as she returned to looking outside.

"Definitely something."

"Can you drop it?" Lucy did her best to respond evenly, but there was still a hint of aggravation in her voice.

"Fine," he murmured.

The deafening silence resumed, and Tim drummed his fingers on the steering wheel to distract himself from the tension overtaking the air.

“What are you doing?” She asked, since she had never seen Tim be so fidgety.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Then, what’s that?” Lucy pointed to the steering wheel.

“Is that bothering you, too?”

“You’re acting really weird, and that’s what’s bothering me.”

“So are you! You’ve never been quiet for three and a half hours straight!”

“I thought that’s what you always wanted.”

He rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat. “No, it isn’t,” Tim grumbled.

“What’s that?”

“I said it isn’t.”

“That’s not what you used to say.”

He stopped at a red light and twisted to see her better. “Things change, Lucy.”

What “change” was he referring to? She would not dare to ask.

The light changed, and he refocused on the road. A few more long minutes passed, and he decided they could talk about a safer topic. “How’s Tamara?”

“Good.”

He nodded, thinking she would say more, but that was the only answer Lucy gave.

The car in front of them pressed on the brakes unexpectedly, and Tim swerved the car a bit to avoid hitting the back bumper of the vehicle in front of them, but the car hit a pothole on an odd angle, causing the wheel to make an audible pop. He exited the shop to assess the damage and confirmed their front left tire had a hole in it, so he returned to the driver’s seat, sighed, “Great. We have a flat,” and pulled over using the three functional wheels. “I’ll call it in.”

She listened to him radio for help and dispatch responded that a tow truck would take at least thirty minutes to arrive. “What are we supposed to do?” She wondered.

“Protocol dictates we can’t abandon the shop, so we’ll just have to wait,” Tim responded. Lucy stared ahead blankly, so he asked, “Want me to get you some coffee? There’s a place a block away. I can walk over and be back in a few.”

“It’s probably closed. It’s Christmas Day.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Wow, so you CAN apologize,” she scoffed.

“What am I supposed to apologize for?”

She turned, finally willing to face him in her anger. “You told me to break up with Chris.”

“Because, he’s not right for you! You SHOULD break up with him!”

“Well, I DID!” Lucy shot back, then watched as Tim’s expression changed as he digested the information. His speechlessness caused her ears to ring and the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up straight.

After a few attempts at speaking, he sputtered out, “Y-you did?”

“Yes,” she breathed, threading her fingers together nervously.

His lips turned down into a frown. “Good.”

“Good? That’s not what you’re supposed to say. You’re supposed to be sympathetic. Break ups are hard.”

Tim rolled his eyes. “Hard? You were with CHRIS!” 

He acted like that was enough of an argument. “He’s a great guy,” she felt the need to defend ever entering a relationship with him.

“Sure, and that’s about it.”

“You know, he was great in so many ways,” Lucy found herself repeating the words she said to Tim last time they spoke about Chris, and a chill went down her spine at the second wave of deja vu on the same day. When Tim opened his mouth again, she felt too flustered to continue the conversation, so she preemptively cut him off by suggesting, “I think we should wait for the tow truck in silence.”

He wanted to object, but she was so firm when she spoke, so Tim shifted to sit as far away from Lucy as he could manage in their cramped shop that felt smaller somehow. An hour passed without a word. He noted when exactly sixty minutes had passed based on constantly checking his watch, so he radioed, “Dispatch, this is 7A-19. Where’s our tow truck?”

That gruff, impatient voice of Tim’s was one Lucy had not heard in a while, but then again, she had not heard much of his voice in recent weeks. They exchanged a glance when the dispatcher reported they would still have to wait a little longer without specifying an amount of time. Lucy cleared her throat and said, “It’s Christmas, which means,” she leaned forward and turned on the radio, scanning for a station playing Christmas music. “Before you say anything, we can’t exactly respond to any calls, so we don’t need to listen for dispatch. There’s nothing wrong with a little Christmas spirit. It is a holiday after all.” She left out how the music might help break up some of the tension.

“I know you love Christmas. It’s a little strange you’re working today.”

She shrugged, “It was my best option…my parents’ house is a no-go right now.”

He turned towards her, worried, “Did something happen with them?”

The concern in his eyes made her soften slightly; the edges of her anger with him lessened knowing that even though their relationship was strained, Tim showed he cared for her well-being. “No,” Lucy assured softly then breathed before elaborating, “My…my parents really love Chris. I couldn’t sit through a whole dinner listening to them tell me how disappointed they are that I broke up with him. It was just easier to say I couldn’t come over for Christmas because I had to work.”

“Work is a lot better than dealing with family.” She nodded in agreement. “Especially days like today,” Tim added.

His gaze burned her pleasantly. Lucy had missed how his eyes had a singularly unique way of effecting her. It was easy enough to interpret that “days like today” referred to the fact that he was riding with her. He was not supposed to be charming. She was mad at Tim, after all, so she crossed her arms and stared ahead.

“Seriously?” He blew out an exasperated breath and leaned over slightly to observe if her resolve was melting at all. “When are you gonna stop doing this?”

“Doing what?” Lucy pouted.

Even though he was upset with her demeanor, he still felt his lip turn up a bit at how adorable her expression was when she was angry. “Being mad at me and-and shutting me out.”

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to shut you out, but you’re allowed to shut ME out? The world according to Tim Bradford makes no sense.”

“I wasn’t trying to shut you out.”

“Yeah, right. Look, I get you’re not the most talkative person, but there’s a difference between the normal quiet Tim and the avoiding Tim. That’s ALL I’ve had for months! Since Vegas!”

“Don’t,” he warned sharply. His heart was slamming in his throat at the mention.

“If you want me to talk, then that’s what I want to talk about.”

“Lucy,” he whispered.

She had thought back to that day when they returned from their undercover assignment in Las Vegas. She claimed they were still undercover and asked him to come into her apartment with every intention of leading Tim into her bedroom and crossing a line that Lucy struggled to admit she considered crossing on more than one occasion before. He followed her inside. He seemed apprehensive, but he entered. In her mind, she kept seeing that look on his face when she offered him a drink, and he refused; his blue eyes sure and steady how they were fixed on her. Tim was ready to sleep with her, and Lucy was ready to sleep with him, and then… “Don’t you ever wonder why we did what we almost did?”

“Lucy…”

“I can’t be the only one that thinks about it.”

Her eyes were PLEADING for him to say something, and how was he supposed to resist the urge to give her what she wants? “We were…undercover is intense.”

“Undercover is intense? That’s what you’re going with?”

“It IS.” Tim tore his eyes away to check their surroundings for their tow truck. He reached for his radio to ask again, and Lucy covered his hand.

“The tow truck will come when it can. Dispatch can’t make it get here any faster. We’re stuck in this shop until then, so please.” She was not really sure what she was asking for from him, but she was willing to accept anything more than the hushed discussion in the corridor of her apartment building when he told her to move on and left her teary-eyed. After waiting a second, Lucy withdrew her hand from his despite her desire to knit their fingers together and hold onto him forever.

“I’m sure the tow truck will be here any second. They can’t expect us to be stranded here for half a shift.” He kept checking his surroundings in the hopes that his one and only rescue from their conversation would arrive.

“Tim,” she murmured. He made a sound that he was listening as his eyes scanned the streets. “Look at me.” He did not obey, which made her click her tongue. “You’ve been trying to get me to talk all day, and now that I want to, you don’t. You are unbelievable.” The sky was dark, but the Christmas lights everywhere provided enough illumination that Lucy could see him and his furrowed brow clearly. “Our…problems really started then, you know. Everything was fine before we went undercover.” A tight smile formed on his lips, urging her to ask, “You don’t agree?”

“I regret going on that undercover assignment with you,” he grumbled.

“You…” her chest felt heavy. “Regret?” was all Lucy could choke out.

“We would’ve been fine if we kept going the way we were…riding together and everything,” Tim justified. It hurt, but it was true.

It made sense. They had opened a door that could not be closed again once they kissed the first time let alone a second time. Whatever they had become was awkward, like tense acquaintances with so much unsaid between and even more they would not dare to do. Truthfully, it was not uncommon for their relationship to change; things between them had morphed and recalibrated regularly since they met, but while those other phases were welcomed with open arms, their post-two-kisses-and-do-you-want-to-come-in strangeness was displeasing. Reflecting on their new normal, Lucy sometimes wished they had not kissed, either. “I could’ve moved in with Chris. He did end up buying a house in Monrovia, by the way.”

“You dodged a bullet with that one.”

“He was so upset when I told him I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to buy a house with him. He accused me of leading him on and said we should’ve broken up sooner.”

“I hate when I agree with Chris, but he’s right.”

“Tim!” She hissed. “It’s YOUR fault. I would’ve been fine getting a house with him if you hadn’t asked me all those questions like if I love him. What the hell did you do that for?”

“You were headed down the wrong path, and I was trying to help.”

“Wrong path? I could’ve been fine with him!”

“And, that’s all you want? To be FINE? Not GREAT?”

“Great isn’t really an option, so now I’ll just be alone forever like my mother always said,” she replied frustratedly.

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true!”

“You’ll find someone, Lucy,” he tried to be encouraging and gentle, but there was a large part of Tim that did not want her to find anyone else purely for selfish reasons, since he did not want to see her with someone else, yet her happiness remained his priority.

“I did!”

“CHRIS? You can’t be upset about CHRIS?”

“I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT CHRIS! I’M TALKING ABOUT…” she bit her tongue before the word escaped her lips.

But, “YOU” clearly hung in the air unspoken between them yet again just as the last time they were in the shop together, and Lucy had been speaking about how great Chris is and meant to insinuate that he was just not as great as Tim. The third wave of deja vu made her feel dizzy.

“Say it,” his voice was so low it could barely be registered over the Christmas carols playing on the radio. Last time, she had not said “you”, he knew what she was saying and understood that it would have been unfair to compare her current boyfriend with someone else, but Lucy was single, and Tim was just greedy enough to request her to finish her sentence this time. If there was a chance she wanted him, he wanted some sort of confirmation that he was not alone in his feelings.

She shook her head so slightly it was a barely registrable movement, but he saw it. He noticed, because the second he did, Lucy watched him clench his jaw. “I…” she wanted to explain herself. She wanted to tell Tim how harrowing it was to be honest with him. “I’m scared,” her voice broken on the brink of sounding completely shattered. That was all Lucy could manage saying even though her eyes were swimming with so many words that felt impossible to utter.

“Me, too,” he admitted. Being truthful with her was easier on some days more than others, and sometimes his honesty came out unbidden in a way that it was clear that Tim’s subconscious yearned for him to be more vulnerable than his logical thinking would usually permit.

“You…you know you’re the most important relationship in my life…” Lucy probably would have said more, even if she was unsure how else her mouth was going to betray her and make more admissions of other sacred secrets, but he gasped, and his eyes went wide for a moment, and that was enough of a reaction to get her back in control of her body and snap her jaw shut.

“Mine, too,” Tim murmured. His eyes studied her face, but there was no surprise found, of course she knew that already. Lucy knows him so well. He was not really sure when his gaze dropped to her lips, but then he could not look away. He licked his own lips as if hoping to taste hers- something he had most certainly committed to memory.

Lucy was aware of only two things in the moment: that her heart was racing, and that Tim’s lips were only feet away…and they seemed to be moving closer to hers. She was not really sure if she was moving towards him, or he was leaning into her, or more likely, they were probably bending together to meet somewhere in the middle. It seemed to happen too slowly and yet could not will herself to bring her lips to his any faster.

At some point, almost as if the world had been moving at a snail’s pace, Tim felt his nose brush hers, causing his already irregular breathing to falter. His eyes finally snapped to hers, and there was a silent question they seemed to be asking each other: Do you want me to kiss you? It was a serious inquiry; there would be no “work” excuse to explain away whatever was about to happen. It would be REAL. It would be because they wanted to. Because they wanted each other in a different way than rookie and Training Officer, friends, Sergeant and Aide, or even undercover coworkers.

Was it a good idea? Lucy thought not, yet her bottom lip quivered, and she inched microscopically towards him, having already surrendered to diving into Tim and giving into the whirlwind of emotions that circulated inside of her incessantly threatening to completely destroy every fiber of her being. Even if she was terrified, there was safety with Tim, she realized in a moment of clarity and confidence as her mouth was about to cover his. Tim was synonymous with security in her mind; no matter how scared she was to act on her feelings for him, she would be okay, because she was with him. Tim was safer than her orange Datsun, the warmth of her favorite blanket, and the forts she used to build as a child. So, it was a worthy risk…was it even a risk if Tim was her endless refuge? Only a few millimeters, and it would be over; the terror would leave her body, and it would be replaced with the taste and feel of him. Lucy was ready for her mouth to continue its steady and sluggish progress over to him.

The only coherent thought in Tim’s head was a shouted STOP! But, every single one of his muscles pulled him closer to Lucy regardless. His self control had completely melted the second he was close enough to smell her perfume. By the time he could feel her breath on his mouth, he was lost. Rational thought would have dictated that he withdraw immediately, but rational thought was not the driving force drawing him to her; it was gravity or perhaps the weight of eventuality as if the universe had been pushing them together for a long while, and only now Tim was willing to relent, but perhaps it was Lucy’s jasmine shampoo, floral perfume, her barely parted lips, and something intrinsically about HER that was just too strong for anyone to resist the pull of. He was going to kiss her, and then face the consequences, since there was no stopping it.

Bright headlights shone behind them, reflecting in their rearview mirror accompanied by a few short, loud honks. Whatever spell was working to bring them closer had suddenly broken. 

Lucy dared to look into Tim’s eyes that were filled with vulnerability and wanting, but then he blinked, and all that remained was the grey blue steel that flashed when he tried to push his feelings down like when he told her to forget about what had almost happened between them when they returned from Las Vegas and urged her to go to undercover school. It was enough to sit all the way back and reach for the door handle in one fluid motion before stepping out of the shop as quickly as she could.

Tim did his best to speak to the tow truck driver as evenly as possible even with a rushing in his ears muffling all of his own words. The problem was that they needed to ride on the bench seat of the tow truck, so he turned to Lucy to allow her to sit down first, and then he slid in beside her with one whole side of his body pressed to hers for the ENTIRE drive back to the station. It was…uncomfortable, but that was on par for most of the shift they rode together. He should have known he could not KISS her. Tim was not allowed to HAVE Lucy. Whatever sign he thought the universe was trying to give him was clearly a misinterpretation of the situation. Harsh reality chilled him to the bone at an even colder temperature than a Los Angeles winter ever reached. He had lost control, but he regained it, and with it came the self loathing and scolding that he was being a careless, reckless fool for even daring to kiss her. The last two times he had tasted her, he thought he was going to remain letting their tongues tangle together until they perished. A third kiss? How was Tim meant to survive THAT especially when he knew that afterwards, Lucy would pull away and realize she does not want him? That kind of rejection would be too much to bear. It was safer to accept that his feelings were unrequited, and keep her at arm’s length and their conversations at a minimum to avoid saying or doing anything that would give him away. He had almost told her he wanted to be with her when he not-so-nicely told her to breakup with Chris. Tim barely stopped himself before he confessed that. If he had, if he said that truth and opened himself up to Lucy, he knew she would gently tell him she did not feel the same way, or worse, she would elaborate on why she felt scared as she said so in the shop and explained that she might have SOME feelings for him but it was not worth the risk. He just had to push his feelings down and keep them bottled up where they would remain contained for the rest of time; Tim promised himself it would get easier…after some rest, a long walk with Kojo, and maybe a few days of opposite schedules.

Caradine was waiting at the sallyport for his officers that managed to damage a patrol car on Christmas Day. After exchanging a few words with the tow truck driver, he instructed, “I would hate if you have to stay late, but I’ll need you to fill out a few forms to explain what happened to your shop.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Tim volunteered.

He cast a look to Lucy then back to Tim before saying, “That’s very kind of you to take it on instead of pawning off the paperwork on your aide. Guess that’s your Christmas present, Chen.”

“I can fill out the paperwork,” Lucy volunteered, staring straight ahead to Caradine even though she was speaking to Tim. 

“Change and go home. I got this,” Tim assured coldly and strutted through the automatic sliding doors out of the sallyport and into the station in search of his desk.

Lucy checked her watch. They had spent pretty much all night stuck in the shop, and the sun must have been about to rise, which meant Christmas was over, and so was whatever opportunity she was given to clear the air between her and Tim…unless, she took matters into her own hands. “Merry Christmas, sir,” she regarded Caradine and rushed away to find Tim where he was sinking into a chair with a few pieces of paper.

He could feel her staring and sensed her presence even though she was not speaking and standing a few paces away. “We didn’t respond to any calls, and the incident with our shop was small, so this really won’t take long. I already told you not to worry about it.”

“Tim…” she checked her surroundings where some overly exhausted cops were scrubbing at their faces as they entered the station to report for their shift the day after Christmas while their fellow equally tired night shift officers were preparing to leave and probably get some sleep; since everyone seemed too preoccupied to eavesdrop, Lucy felt confident saying in a low voice, “we should talk about…”

“Go home,” he snapped and dropped his eyes and attention to the paperwork.

“Tim…”

“Merry Christmas,” he cut her off saying, and though it was supposed to be a phrase used as a warm greeting, the two words coming out of his mouth sounded harsh to communicate that he was uninterested in talking to her at all let alone about the fact that they almost kissed in the shop less than forty five minutes prior. Lucy paused, waiting, hoping, silently pleading he would look up from his desk or say anything more, but he continued to work on the forms in front of him and acted like she was not there. Eventually, she stalked off in the direction of the locker room where she took her time to shower and change, since she was in no rush to go home. When she was finally ready to leave, she glanced back in the bull pen to see that Tim was gone. He must have completed the forms, so Lucy hurried into the parking garage.

Tim thought that the mind numbing paperwork would be enough to stop thinking about Lucy. It was certainly not. How could he have let himself lose control like that? Before he knew it, the forms were completed, and it was time to go into the locker room and change out of his uniform and into a comfortable henley, denim jacket, and dark jeans. He navigated to the parking structure on autopilot, his brain filled with images of Lucy, which was why he thought that maybe his mind was playing a trick on him when he saw her hip resting against the side of his truck. 

“After everything that happened today, all you had to say to me was ‘Merry Christmas’?” She repeated his words just as coldly and crossed her arms.

He smirked wryly. “What do you want from me?”

“You and I have been avoiding talking for a while now, and I…I hate how we keep leaving things so…and then in the shop just now, you…we were about to…” Lucy was not exactly effectively verbalizing her mind’s jumbled feelings, but she was trying.

“But, we didn’t,” he cut her off.

Three words. How could three simple, otherwise meaningless words render her speechless for a second time? Once she recovered from the shock of the heft behind what he said, like a wave that had crashed on her shore that started to retreat, all that remained was anger. “I’m getting sick of hearing that from you.”

“It’s true.”

“You almost kissed me!”

“What? No, YOU almost kissed ME!”

“If anything it was MUTUAL! You can’t just forget it happened!”

“But, NOTHING happened!”

“Just like after Vegas, huh? Nothing happened?” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“That’s right!” He agreed emphatically.

“You and I both know what was going to happen if we didn’t find Chris in my apartment! You can’t pretend we weren’t thinking about sleeping together!”

“It was better we didn’t! I’ve never cheated on anyone before!”

“Neither have I!”

“So, then it doesn’t matter!”

“It matters to me! I wanted us to acknowledge it! Just like I want us to acknowledge that you were about to kiss me tonight!”

“YOU were about to kiss ME!”

She rolled her eyes, “FINE! WE WERE ABOUT TO KISS EACH OTHER!” Their voices were getting louder and louder, echoing throughout the large concrete structure; if anyone was listening to their conversation, neither Tim or Lucy paid any mind to that with their blazing eyes solely focused on each other.

“WE DIDN’T! LET’S FORGET ABOUT IT!” He finally looked away to try finding a path around her to get to his car. Tim took a wide step in an attempt to reach his truck.

“NOT AGAIN! I LET YOU WALK AWAY THE LAST TIME, BUT NOT AGAIN!” She reached out to hold onto his bicep to prevent him from trying to leave.

“WHY NOT? YOU WANT ME TO SAY I WANTED TO KISS YOU?”

“YEAH! THAT’S A START!”

“A START?”

“I WANT THE WHOLE TRUTH ABOUT THE NIGHT YOU CAME OVER AND TOLD ME TO GO TO UC SCHOOL!” Every time she replayed that conversation, Lucy read the look in Tim’s eyes as there was something ELSE he was trying to say despite the words coming out of his mouth, and that lack of honesty had vexed her since; that discussion felt like the beginning of their awkwardness and tension, because it was a LIE, and she was tired of lies. 

“WHAT WHOLE TRUTH? I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH!”

“YOU DIDN’T OR YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TRIED TO KISS ME TODAY!”

“YOU TRIED TO KISS ME!”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT, AND YOU KNOW IT! TELL ME THE TRUTH! CLEAR THE AIR ONCE AND FOR ALL!”

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THAT I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND WAS TEN FEET AWAY FROM US? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY THAT I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU NOW WHEN I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT ME?” Tim felt all the air escape his lungs and swung a little where he was standing. Had he really said his most heavily guarded truth he had buried so deep inside? Lucy’s wide eyed reaction was all he needed as confirmation of what he knew in his gut- she did not feel the same. In her shocked state, he stepped around her easily and climbed into his truck. Once he started the engine, he glanced at her in the rearview mirror where she was saying his name; he could tell from reading her lips, but he could not hear anything. Instead, he backed away quickly and raced out of the parking garage to go home. He had ruined everything WORSE than when he told Lucy to break up with Chris. Tim was so embarrassed and ashamed, he started listing all of the stations where he had made friends or Grey had connections to, because what he needed to do was call his Watch Commander and start the process of transferring to another station as far away from Lucy as possible.

Had he really said he loves her and then drove away? Lucy was so stunned she thought she would have to physically pick her jaw up from the ground. It took her several long seconds to recover and start calling for Tim to stop trying to leave, but he did, and she was standing alone in the parking structure wondering what to do next. The only option that made any sense was to go after him. If she thought they needed to talk before, after Tim’s confession, they definitely needed to talk. She may have broken a few traffic laws to speed to his house and reached his driveway right as he did. Lucy quickly got out of her car and barreled over to him. “What the hell, Tim?”

“Leave me alone,” he groaned, all the fight had evaporated out of him after their argument in the parking structure; his pacing away from her towards the front door of his house was slow as if releasing that truth out into the world was so cumbersome he was on the brink of collapsing.

“I’m not…hey,” she grabbed at his wrist to turn him around. “I’m not going anywhere,” Lucy whispered and was grateful he made no attempt to move away from her. “You really think I don’t want you?” His silence and sad blue eyes was confirmation enough. “Why do you think I wanted to sleep with you when we got back from Vegas? Why do you think I broke up with Chris? Why do you think I almost kissed you today?”

“I told you that YOU were the one trying to kiss me,” he pointed out with a ghost of a smile playing at his lips despite the otherwise intense moment.

She felt herself start to smile, too. “You’re such an idiot. I can’t believe I love you.” His whole face changed to guarded hope, and that made her heart pick up speed. Lucy put a hand on the side of his neck with her thumb gently gliding along his jaw. “Yeah, you idiot, I love you,” she said, and before, she had been so scared to tell him how she feels or act on those feelings, but at some point as their mouths inched towards each other in the shop, that fear gave way to confidence that she could never move past how she felt and needed to embrace it instead. Tim seemed frozen in place, slowly blinking at her. “You’re not gonna say anything? Not even ‘Merry Christmas’?” She teased.

He slowly reached up and smoothed his hands down her hair to rest on her shoulders. “I think the time for talking is over,” Tim murmured and bent low to dive in for a kiss. The kind of slow and fierce meeting of lips, and tongues, and teeth that lit every one of his nerve endings like a Christmas tree. The kind that tilted the world on its axis. The kind was never going to be long enough.

It was chilly even as the sun rose higher in the sky, but Lucy felt a trail of warmth everywhere he touched from her neck, to her cheeks, to the space between her shoulder blades, to her biceps, and the small of her back. When she broke away for some much needed air, she found his half lidded eyes and sighed. “For the record, YOU just kissed me.”

“I did. Want me to do it again?” He asked, a newfound confidence building with every second she was under his hands. 

“Say it again. Consider it my Christmas present.”

“You only want me to tell you I love you once a year?”

Lucy whacked his shoulder playfully. “Come on, Tim. I’m being serious!”

“Fine,” he smiled. He took a deep breath to give the moment the severity it deserved. “I love you.”

“Merry Christmas,” she replied with a smirk.

Tim clicked his tongue. “Are you kidding me?” She laughed so hard, that he could not keep his face looking upset.

“That’s what you get for trying to push me away.” His mouth remained open even with the beginning of a smile. “Let’s go inside. It’s cold out here.”

“Wait,” he held onto her hips firmly. “I didn’t know, okay? I thought you didn’t…”

“It wasn’t obvious?” She wondered.

“You didn’t say anything.”

“You were sorta worse. At least I didn’t try to convince you that nothing happened, and then you really were so rude about Chris.”

“I’m sorry. For all of it. I was being…”

“An idiot,” Lucy suppled. “We’ve established that. I still love you anyways,” she smiled, and then her heart threatened to burst at the sight of a huge grin that took over his whole face. “Come here,” she mumbled before pulling him down to bring his mouth to hers.

When he had finished fighting for dominance and claiming her mouth, Tim moved slightly to catch his breath as his forehead dropped to hers. 

“Best Christmas ever,” she whispered against his lips.

“Christmas is technically over.”

“Do you want me to come inside, or do you want to be technically right?”

“We should go inside,” he agreed easily, earning a happy smile from her.

“You don’t have hot chocolate, do you?”

“Why would I have some ridiculously sugary drink on hand? I have coffee… guess your coffee is basically hot chocolate with all the sugar and milk you put in it.” He shot back before unlocking his front door and letting her inside his house first.

“Some people need sweetener to make coffee palatable.”

“It’s fine without sugar.”

“Black coffee is gross,” she scrunched her face in disgust.

“Your coffee is gross. That chai whatever stuff you always order is terrible.”

“How would you know?”

“I accidentally took a sip of yours once, and…never again.”

The revolted expression was cute on Tim somehow. Lucy unzipped her boots and took his hands in hers as she sighed in relief. “I missed this, you know.”

“What? Arguing about coffee?”

“Yeah, I’ve missed arguing about everything with you.”

“Really? Doesn’t it drive you a little nuts?”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to stand up as tall as she could. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Lucy gave him a light kiss then stayed close to his face.

“Is there another argument you wanted to have? Make up for lost time?”

Mischievously, she glanced down the hallway then back at him. “I think there’s a better way we could spend our time other than arguing.”

“Better?”

His cluelessness made her chuckle. “I’m talking about, sex, Tim.”

“Oh,” he felt his cheeks warm.

Lucy made a show of glancing at his couch. “I don’t see anyone else here this time, so…” the rest of her proposition remained unspoken. Since he failed to react, she added, “Consider it my other Christmas present.”

“Christmas is already over.”

She sunk down from her tip toes and started to pull away. “It’s okay. We can wait. I didn’t mean to rush you.”

“Hang on,” Tim kept his hands fixed on her back. “I didn’t say ‘no’. I didn’t say ‘no’ last time either.”

“Tim, it’s really okay. I’ll make us some coffee.”

“Later,” he rumbled and grabbed her hips. “Let me show you what I wanted to do last time.”

“I’ve got ideas of my own,” she smirked. “Sounds like a long day.”

“Good. I don’t have any plans until New Year’s Eve.”

“You plan to keep me here ‘til New Year’s Eve?” She was surprised, but definitely interested in doing so.

“If it were up to me, I’d keep you here until next Christmas,” he replied as his hands moved up her sides.

“That long? Then, you better get me some hot chocolate.”

“How about oat milk for your coffee?”

“You don’t love me enough to buy me hot chocolate?”

“When you put it that way, I’ll order some to get delivered right now,” he took one hand away from her to reach into his pocket for his phone.

“Don’t bother. It’ll get cold by the time we’re done.”

The promise mixed with fire in her eyes made his knees buckle. “Okay,” was all he could manage, and then her lips crashed into his.

As she twisted her fingers in the material of his henley, Lucy tried walking backwards towards his bedroom while his tongue started making her feel lightheaded. 

Much later when they were finished with round one, breathless, sated, sweaty, and a tangled boneless pile of limbs, Lucy looked up at him where her chin rested on his shoulder and said, “Christmas is alright, but I think December 26th just became my favorite day of the year.”

“Mine, too,” he snickered and angled his head to caress her lips slowly, unhurried. There was no need to rush since they had until next December 26th, actually, it felt more like they had the rest of their lives to be together in each other’s arms and reverently whisper their love for each other between kisses, or better yet, show each other how they feel. That was more fun.