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Even outside of Hallmark movies, studies show that spending Christmas alone can significantly make your mental health decline. No amount of Spending Christmas Alone? 7 Tips from a Therapist articles could’ve prepared Ethan for the amount of loneliness he was going to feel. There was an emotion he yearned to feel, but he couldn’t quite figure out the word.
The dripping of the coffee maker came to a halt. A tired hand pulled open the cabinet just above it. Fingers scanned the assortment of mugs before one was plucked and set down on the countertop. The hot coffee being poured into the mug – adorned in drawn images of a moose, lobster, a lighthouse, other smaller things, and the state name MAINE – reminded Ethan of home. He tried to get a flight home in time for Christmas, but the only ones available were either after Christmas or exorbitantly expensive. It’s usually something he never forgot to plan in advance, but this year, it seemed to slip his mind. Lately, a lot of things had been slipping his mind, including the coffee he had just poured.
A bead of it slid down his forearm. He hissed from the instant burn he felt. He set the coffee pot down and rushed to the sink with wide, urgent steps. He ran his forearm under cool tap water, chilled from the Southern California winter. Thankfully, there was no actual burn on his skin, only a line of redness that would eventually fade throughout the day.
He turned the water off after a few seconds, then used the kitchen towel hanging from his oven to dry off. Returning to the coffee pot and mug, he poured the rest of it in without any casualties.
Ethan brought the mug to his lips, letting the coffee fill him with the warmth he lacked. He took the mug along with him up the stairs to the patio on his balcony. The gingham pajama pants he was wearing dragged under his feet, nearly tripping him. He made it to the balcony unscathed, though the pajama pants gathered Spencer’s loose fur and dust. I’ll throw them in the wash later , he thought.
He parked himself at the very corner edge of his balcony. Just over the large trees that provide privacy to most of Ethan’s property, he could see the sidewalk that he walked Spencer down nearly every day. He leaned over to get a better look when he heard laughing coming from a woman. She walked hand in hand with a man, stopping right where Ethan had a perfect vantage point.
“We need to go back to the house.” she urged the man beside her. “My mom is going to get worried and then what?”
“You’re twenty-five. What is she going to do, ground you?”
The woman playfully punched his side. “C’mon. She’ll want to see my now boyfriend .”
“I love it when you say it.” The boyfriend kissed her, then they walked off in the direction from whence they came.
Ethan brought the mug to his lips again, but the coffee tasted as bitter as he now felt. The quiet sound of a drop in the mug didn’t alert Ethan as he stared blankly at the lonely sidewalk. A tear fell into his coffee.
He placed the mug on the table a few steps to his left, then gathered a few leaves that Spencer had once dragged in from the backyard. How they managed to stick to him while trotting up the stairs, he doesn’t know, but that’s not relevant.
Ethan leaned over his balcony, crushed the dried leaves and watched the foliage confetti reunite with the uncut backyard grass underneath him.
Better the leaves than me .
The pocket of gingham buzzed, causing Ethan to step back from the balcony as if he had been caught having terrible thoughts despite being alone.
He pulled out his phone to see who was calling. Spam likely. Of course. Scam callers never take a day off. Though, this was the one time he wished that somebody would call. His mom and dad called him earlier in the day to say merry Christmas, but the seasonal depression hadn’t hit him yet. The fact that he was alone hadn’t hit him yet. It wasn’t until he stood over that balcony, watching two strangers kiss that he realized he was truly alone. Spencer had always sufficed just fine, but today’s overwhelming sadness sat on his chest like an elephant.
Ethan made his way back inside, downing the rest of the coffee so he could leave the mug on his nightstand and ignore it for the rest of the day.
He continued his morning routine as normal, but he carried the loneliness like a barbell over his head.
The shower he took only provided Ethan with minimal respite, merely becoming a-thing-that-people-do rather than a relaxing part of self care that most people find when they take a shower or bath after a long day.
As he finished his shower, trembling from the ache in his heart, the sound of his phone vibrating against the sink counter made him break. Tears poured down his face incessantly. It felt never ending. He didn’t want to look at his phone only to see that he missed yet another call from the all important Spam Likely. It was one of those things where he had been doing fine with holding it all in, only to start crying at the stupidest shit possible.
Against his body and mind’s wishes, he turned off the warm water shielding him from the cold, empty house and stepped out to dry himself off. Eventually after dressing, he felt enough courage to finally pick up his phone and see who called.
Ethan was pleasantly surprised to find that the person who called him wasn’t another scam. It was Mark. His friend Mark. The one who always woke up at six a.m., saw his trainer on Thursdays, and squinted when he concentrated too hard. That Mark.
He could hear his breath as he pressed his phone to his ear, listening to it ring. Once, twice, three times…
“ Hey .” Mark greeted, voice gravelly and tired.
“Hey,” Ethan echoed.
“I made tacos.”
Ethan smiled for the first time all morning.
“Cool,” he said.
“You should come over. A bustling party’s going on. It’s your speed.” Mark was fibbing, of course. There was no party. No people. It was him and Chica. Chica barked. “See? She agrees with me.”
Ethan exhaled briefly through his nose. “I’ll bring Spencer. See you in a bit?”
“Wait, uh…”
“What’s up?”
“Don’t hang up yet.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
The silence between them brewed. It lasted for a good ten seconds before Chica scared them both with one of her bellowing barks. Ethan jumped in fright and could feel Mark doing the same through the phone.
“Fuck. Alright, girl, here.” The sounds of the sliding door to the backyard could be heard over the phone.
Ethan almost wished they were talking on one of those wired phones so he had something to coil around his fingers in anticipation of what Mark was going to say next, but unfortunately for him, it’s 2023. Instead, he simply played with his fingers and picked at the skin around his nails. He really should stop doing that since the skin around his fingernails is starting to look like he ran a cheese grater over it. It was a fairly new habit he had picked up when trying to coax his anxiety.
“Sorry, she’s–”
“Don’t worry about it.” Ethan cut Mark off with reassurance before he continued the obligatory apology for being rude that they’re both all too familiar with.
“So, you’re coming?” Mark queried.
“Mhm. Just waiting for you to hang up so I can get Spencer, then head out.”
Ethan began to navigate his house, eyes scanning every nook and cranny for the new harness he paid a pretty penny for. The cashier at PetSmart had even given him an offended look for daring to place it on the moving belt. That memory alone served enough of a reminder that he was not leaving without it.
“I thought you were good at multitasking.” Mark chided.
Ethan tucked the phone in between his head and shoulder, then rummaged through all of the clothes and other trash that was scattered around the room.
“ Uh-huh. ” he replied.
“You didn’t hear a thing I said, did you?”
Ethan huffed, now holding the phone to his ear as he was before. Aha! Found it.
“You put that you were good at multitasking on your resume when you first started working for me.” Mark still refused to hang up in the form of coming up with more things to say.
“Everyone puts that on their resume, Mark. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.”
He ventured into his walk-in closet to pluck a pair of sneakers from the wall that matched well with his outfit, then tossed his phone and the expensive dog harness on the bed after putting the call on speaker. He sat down at the foot of the bed to put his shoes on.
“Guess you’re right.” Mark stood up from his own spot on his couch to let Chica inside, then made his way over to the kitchen where his freshly made tacos still sat over the original crumpled foil he was going to use to put them away in. Instead, he reached into a cabinet beneath the counter space to pull out a red tray instead. Festive. “You should bring some cookies or something.”
“Do you want me to get there sooner or do you want me to get cookies?” Ethan slipped on one shoe, then the other. Spencer came trotting over to Ethan. Luckily for him, he didn’t have to chase the dog down like he usually does. He slipped the harness on him, then clipped on the rogue black lead that had been on the nightstand to his right.
“Both,” Mark smiled, wishing that Ethan could see it.
“I’m heading out right now. I’ll see you when I get there.” Ethan made his way over to the front door, lead wrapped around his knuckles a few times.
“I guess this is the part where we hang up?”
And with that, Ethan let out a brief exhale through his nose and hung up the phone without a word. He couldn’t help but find it humorous that Mark tried every which way to keep him on the phone. He won’t lie, he enjoyed talking to him. He always did.
Ethan got Spencer settled in his bucket shaped dog seat in the back of his Tesla, then got himself settled in the driver’s seat. He made sure a holiday playlist was going before pulling out of his driveway and was on his way to Mark’s house. Well, almost. He had to get the cookies first.
Truth be told, Ethan was dreading going to any store on Christmas Eve. A lot of stores would be closed, but he could always count on the corporate chains to be open. He opted to go to Target. Not for any particular reason, but it was the first store chain that popped into his brain.
Target was only a short drive away, but when he got there, he already knew it was going to take him just as long as it took him to get there in order to park. It was like those cutaways from Mean Girls where Cady imagines everyone to be engaging in animalistic fighting. People were honking, swearing, cutting people off. It was an absolute madhouse.
After driving around in circles for ten minutes, waiting for the chance to pull into someone’s parking spot as they left, that opportunity finally came. He pulled into the spot, then made sure to put the car into Dog Mode. Now bystanders wouldn’t feel the need to break his window when they’d see Spencer in the back. Normally, he didn’t like leaving Spencer alone in the car, but since he wasn’t going to be very long and the holiday music had lulled him to sleep, he figured that it would be alright.
Inside the store there was no break from the chaos outside. If he was speedy enough, he could grab the cookies, manage to end up at a self-checkout stand, and be out in a jiff.
Most people would think he was rushing because of the fact that the store was so crowded, but in reality, he, too, wanted to get to Mark’s house quicker than what he originally planned.
As Ethan briskly walked down the fixed middle path to navigate to the different aisles, his eyes landed on the word cookies . He swore that Target changed their layout every few months to disorient customers.
He ventured into the aisle, scanning for potential options. He had picked up a few different packages of cookies, but then realized that he would have to check every single one that he hasn’t had before for traces of nuts. That’s when he decided to give up on being adventurous and plucked a package of Oreos from the shelf instead. What was the point of being adventurous if he had to meticulously check the ingredients anyway? It was probably not the Christmas themed cookies that Mark had in mind, but he figured that he wouldn’t care much. Food or not, they wanted to see each other.
Ethan wormed his way through the many families in the store towards the cash registers. While on his way, his eyes laid on the dollar section of Target that’s meant to be a last attempt to sucker customers to spend even more money on stuff they don’t need. When he spotted a mistletoe, he became a sucker.
He snagged it on his way to self checkout, then patiently-not-so-patiently waited for a spot to open. The poor retail workers kept having to repeat that because it’s a holiday, self checkout would only be open for people with ten items or less. Thank god , he thought. The line moved quicker than expected because of that rule.
With the Oreos and mistletoe now purchased, he sent a quick text message to Mark once he was in the car and buckled up with a photo of the Oreos in frame only.
ETHAN
omw
MARK
See you soon
The drive felt more scenic than usual and Ethan wasn’t quite sure why. He had been down this road before. The whole thing felt like a metaphor to him. Everything was happier, brighter , with Mark. It definitely wasn’t a crime to admit such a thing, but in his head, it was. He tried to bury it and blame it on loneliness. However, as he drove down one street and turned down another, getting closer to Mark’s house by the minute, he realized that loneliness was a lame excuse for having feelings for his best friend. It cheapened the feelings he had and made him look like they weren’t significant enough to pursue. Deep down, he knew that they were significant enough not to ignore them.
After Unus Annus ended, Ethan felt defeated. He tried to tread through the funk and continue making videos as he did before, but the entire experience had completely altered how he viewed himself and his content. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He’s been uncertain ever since. Only recently, though, has Ethan become burnt out. He hit a plateau. This was the worst year for him in terms of growth in his entire career since he started. The only thing that made him have any kind of spark for creativity was Mark. Mark lit his tender flame again. How and why would he ever cheapen his emotions towards his best friend down to loneliness?
Shelving the turmoil for later, Ethan pulled up to the security gate of the community where Mark lived.
“Good afternoon. Where are we headed?” The security guard preemptively grabbed the wired phone installed on the wall of the booth with his pointer finger ready to dial numbers on the number pad next to it.
“Mark Fischbach.” Ethan was proud of Mark for being able to move into a new house, but he did miss the security guard at his old place already knowing him and his car. That’s how often he was at Mark’s house during Unus Annus.
Ethan grabbed his I.D. out of his wallet.
“Can I have your name and I.D. please?”
“Ethan Nestor. Here you go.” He reached over to hand over his card to the guard, then waited for the obligatory call to Mark’s residence. They always had to do that to prevent anyone unwanted from coming in. Once everything was confirmed, he was given his I.D. back and the gate arm lifted open to let him inside.
He drove on in and went down the road of lavish houses before he reached Mark’s. He pulled into the driveway, then took a deep breath. After the rollercoasting of thoughts he just had, this was going to be a doozy.
Ethan stuffed the mistletoe into his pocket, then got out to get Spencer from the backseat. The dog’s tail wagged happily as he recognized whose house they were at.
“Are you ready to see Chica, Spence? Yeah? Oh, yeah. C’mon, buddy.” He wrapped the lead around his knuckles as Spencer jumped out of that car. Ethan shut the door, then went back to the front seats to reach for the package of Oreos.
The car beeped once it was locked. Ethan slowly made his way to the front door with Spencer trotting excitedly in front of him. Before he could knock, the door flung open. Chica jumped with joy. He quickly unclipped the lead from Spencer’s harness before allowing him to run off and play with her.
Ethan slowly looked up to Mark, now not having a dog to distract him from the reality of the situation.
“Hey, man!” Mark greeted him with a warm hug. “Merry Christmas! I have a present for you inside.”
“Hey. Merry Christmas.” Ethan hugged him right back, ignoring the Oreos in one hand. “Oh my god. I forgot to get you a gift! I’m so sorry. I’ve been all over the place for three years straight.”
Mark took the cookies and made his way over to the kitchen counter where the taco platter had been set. Ethan followed behind him, making sure to close the door. “Don’t worry about it! It’s fine. Come in.”
It was awkward. They could both feel some type of tension in the air that was eating away at them.
“Help yourself. Paper towels are over there. Plates are in the cupboard next to the dishwasher, but I’m making you wash your own dish.” Mark smiled humorously.
“Oh, wow, thank you for your hospitality.” Ethan laughed, deciding to grab a paper towel only and placing a pair of tacos on it to start with. “Why did you make so many?”
“Because I was banking on you being able to come over. It’s stupid, but –”
“No, no.” Ethan spoke with his mouth full of carne asada, but quickly shut up to chew his bite. How rude. “It’s not stupid at all. I think it’s sweet.”
Mark indulged in the Oreos first, pulling open the tab on the blue package.
“Remember when we dipped Oreos in different liquids?”
A flood of memories washed over Ethan in a bittersweet nostalgic way. It hadn’t even been that long since Unus Annus ended, but at this point, it feels like a lifetime ago.
“I do! That was a fun video.” A silence fell over them after Ethan responded. It wasn’t an awkward silence, it was depressing.
“You okay, Ethan?” Mark asked, in a tone that told Ethan that he knew what was wrong.
He sighed and set the half eaten taco down onto the paper towel. “Just homesick. I was really excited to see my family and be in my hometown. It’s my own fault for being careless about it, so. I’m more surprised that you of all people are alone today, though. What happened to you?”
“When I saw that you hadn’t already posted stuff in Maine, I kind of got the feeling that you were staying here. I didn’t want to ask you upfront because I didn’t want you to feel bad about me staying behind if you did decide to catch a last minute flight.” Mark’s fingers hovered over a row of Oreos, refraining from plucking another one out of fear that he might seem inattentive.
“Wait, so, you stayed…for me ?” Ethan was stunned, but tried not to show it too much.
“Yeah, I,” Mark reached for Ethan’s hand, “I didn’t want you to be alone.” He ran his thumb over the skin on the other’s knuckles.
Ethan almost jumped out of his skin when Mark took a gentle grasp of his hand. He settled into the touch. A soft smile was given.
“Thanks, Mark.”
“Always.”
That silence came back, cozier this time. The memories came back too, serving as a reminder of how good they were to each other. All of the great times made them both feel warm inside.
The feeling of loss that Ethan experienced whenever he would reminisce on Unus Annus was always cold and lifeless, kind of like the channel itself in its current state.
They were able to finish the tacos and about half of the package of Oreos once that weird awkwardness had been broken. Afterward, Ethan insisted on washing the platter Mark used for the tacos, but he didn’t allow him to.
“Do you want to see what I got you?” Mark smiled, excitement bubbling internally. Seeing the reaction to any gift he buys for anyone was arguably the best part about it.
“It’s the only gift under the tree, but yes.” Ethan chuckled, then walked over to the lit Christmas tree in the living room. He made a space for himself on the couch. Mark followed him and sat beside him. Chica and Spencer came trotting in from the backyard, but paid no attention to their owners on the couch.
Ethan tore open the wrapping paper on what felt like a small box, but once the wrapping was undone, he could see that it was definitely no box. It was a frame, indicated by the stand on the back of it.
“Sorry. I put the bow and tag on it on the wrong side.” Mark admitted.
“Of course you would.” Ethan laughed.
When he turned the frame over, a lump formed in his throat. Inside the frame was the selfie that Ethan had taken of them at PAX East, where they first met.
“Oh, Mark, this is –” Ethan noticed a piece of paper inside the wrapping. He set the photo aside and plucked it out. Unfolding it, he could recognize Mark’s handwriting right away.
To the person responsible for continuing to shape who I am, know that regardless of wherever the wind takes us, I will always be by your side. You will never be alone as long as I’m alive. Merry Christmas.
Mark.
One tear slid down Ethan’s cheek, then another from the other side. Mark placed a comforting hand on his back and rubbed it.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to make you cry this much.” The pair shared a collective laugh together at Ethan’s waterworks.
“No, don’t be sorry. It’s just,” Ethan paused to gather his thoughts, “I’ve been so burnt out, Mark. You have no idea. I’ve felt so lost and aimless ever since Unus Annus ended. There’s not a day that goes by where I’m not thinking of giving all of this up because I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I forgot why I make videos. I forgot why I do what I do, but now I remember: it’s you . I do it for you because I want to make you proud.”
Mark softened and shifted in his spot to turn to Ethan attentively. “Oh, Ethan, that’s sweet, but you should be doing it to be proud of yourself, not me.”
“I know, I know,” Ethan assured with a sniffle. “I really appreciate you and what you’ve done for me. I know that I don’t say it enough, but I love you so much. Thank you.”
Mark tugged his friend into a tight embrace. He almost got choked up, but suppressed it since Ethan was the type to start crying more if he saw someone else cry.
Ethan didn’t let go of Mark for a while, but when he did, he couldn’t help but laugh again. “It’s fucking Christmas and I’m crying on your couch.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time you’ve cried on my couch.” Mark ruffled Ethan’s hair playfully while the other rolled his eyes at his statement. Something green and velvety poked out of Ethan’s pocket. His eyes narrowed questioningly at the object. “What’s in your pocket, E?”
Ethan raised an eyebrow in confusion, then abruptly tensed at the realization of what he was asking about. There was no way out of it, so he decided to pull the mistletoe out of his pocket after setting his gift aside.
` “A mistletoe?” Mark queried.
“Yeah, I –”
Mark surged forward, placed both hands on Ethan’s cheeks, and kissed him passionately. Ethan was more than stunned. It took him a minute to figure out his bearings before he relaxed into it. He inhaled and exhaled through his nose, letting the warm air hit their skin. It gave Mark goosebumps.
They weren’t really sure who was the first one to pull away, but when they did, they were both as red in the cheeks as the glutinous berries on the artificial mistletoe.
“You kissed me,” Ethan said along an exhaled breath.
“I mean, yeah, that’s what a mistletoe is for.” Mark tried to hide the fact that the kiss was definitely romantic, but at this point, it was clear as day.
“Do you kiss your friends like that all of the time?”
“No, but you’re more than that.”
“More than what?”
“A friend .”
“ Thank god ,” Ethan breathed with relief.
With that, they kissed once more. Ethan straddled Mark, getting as close to him as he possibly could. Their lips parted, mutually deepening the second kiss. When they were nearing making out, that’s when Mark took the initiative to recede. He didn’t want to move too fast. Ethan seemed alright with that.
“Remember how you said that you didn’t have a gift for me?” Mark tenderly tucked a piece of stray hair behind Ethan’s ear.
“Yeah.”
“Consider us even.”
Ethan exhaled briefly from his nose and pecked Mark’s cheek.
So, at the end of the day, he wasn’t alone anymore. Ethan was pleasantly reminded to maybe go through the contacts of his phone when he was feeling lonely instead of relying on cognitive behavioral therapy blogs to help him through his inner turmoil. He started out the day unhopeful and bitter, but now can gently replace that in his mind with something much better. He was never alone in the first place. His missed flight home was now on purpose. Christmas of 2023 now meant something more than a period of time of fantasizing what he wished life was.
Fulfilled. That’s the right word.