Archive of Our Own ^beta

Repeat to yourself that they're not really gone, 

Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were polar opposites. Evan was shy and kind, Connor was the one to always jump to mean acts fearlessly, secretly it was just a trauma response. For the both of them. However, finding each other made them better, in a way. It didn't fix anything, no, it just made it more bearable. But they still felt like shit, so this is why Connor one day decided he had enough after a big fight with his parents and took his own life. Needless to say Evan was destroyed, he didn't notice it had gotten so bad for the other? How could he have not noticed?

Time has proven that fooling yourself into believing a lie is the most effective way to deal with things you have no control over

He knows it’s not normal, but he still texts Connor, hoping for a reply that will never come. Evan was still in denial, even though time was going by and he was supposed to be getting better. He can’t . Pretending Connor’s still there makes it slightly better for a split second. He knew this wasn't healthy, but neither was Evan (and neither was Connor).

Keep listening to the mixtapes they made you, overanalyze every single word you hear. "Was this a sign that things were going wrong?"

He keeps listening to the Spotify playlist Connor had made him at the very start of their relationship (and all of the other playlists on his account) looking for anything , any lyric that could've showed how much his boyfriend was struggling, any sign he missed. He didn't find anything. Figures.

No no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them.

Of course, there’s the irrational anger. It was one of the first feelings he had, after the shock. It didn't last long, obviously. But, what the hell? How could Connor just leave him like that? How could he? Evan knew he was being selfish, this had nothing to do with him and, oh God if he felt guilty. Dr. Sherman told him it’s a part of grieving, but he really doesn't get how he could ever be mad at Connor for feeling so alone he killed himself. (If anything, Evan should be mad at himself for not noticing his boyfriend was struggling so hard).

Stay up every single night staring at your phone either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream.

Evan used to be the kind of the guy who slept a lot, he went to sleep early and took naps during the day. Now, he can’t seem to fall asleep, because everytime he closes his eyes he sees Connor and it just fucking hurts. Not that it doesn't hurt without sleeping, but he can't find any other solution. He used to say that Connor was his other half and well, what was the blonde supposed to do now that a big part of him was missing? How was he supposed to bear the constant feel of having a gaping hole in his stomach and brain? How was he supposed to go on? He’s alone now. No matter how many people there are in his life, he was alone, because Connor was gone, forever .

Or praying just for one second you could feel the warmth of equally returned love.

He used to be someone’s boyfriend. Now that Connor was not here anymore, he couldn't be someone else’s person, because how could he? How could he ever let himself feel loved if it’s not by Connor?

Go out for coffee four times a week by yourself,

There’s a coffee shop nearby his house that Evan used to go to with Connor most days, now he went alone multiple times a day, just to find the old comfort of the memories, which is nice at first, but he always ends up having a mental breakdown on the way back home.

Always bring your notebook, never stop writing,

Under all the anger, Connor had passions, hobbies. He mostly liked drawing. He had a little sketchbook he’d bring to school everyday to show Evan his drawings. After his passing, Cynthia gave Evan the sketchbook. “I know how much he means– meant to you, honey. I thought you should have this, since there are some pictures of you, too” She had told him.

Leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip,

The sketchbook was barely used, since he had just bought a new one, and Evan decided to start doing little doodles himself, he could never be as talented as Connor, no. But it was familiar. Almost comforting. He started giving out his drawings with the tips he gave to the waiter (His name was Miguel, he was a pretty cool guy and he was friends with Connor since when they both went to boarding school).

Watch them smile as you get in your car.

He meant to stop after the first few days, but Evan knew that Miguel also needed this, so he kept going.

Talk down on yourself whenever possible,

But just living was getting way too fucking hard. He went back to The Tree from his first attempt, sat on one of the highest branches deciding whether to jump or not (He decided not to in fear that the height wouldn't have been enough for the impact to end him). The last time he was in that situation, Connor had found him. But Connor wasn't there anymore and he wouldn't be ever again.

My life is shit because I deserve it, right?

The universe must be punishing him, because why else would it fucking take Connor away from him? Why take the only thing he truly loved?

You must have done something real bad,

What in the world could he have done to deserve this? Why could not the universe have taken out him instead of his only love?

It’s nearly impossible for you to cry now

He’s a really bad person. He should be crying. He felt like crying . Yet he’s just numb, his eyes hurt and feel heavy, a mix between missed sleep and old tears hurting his vision. But no matter how much pain he’s in, he can’t bring himself to cry anymore.

Avoid your friends for weeks even though they’re the only sense of consistency you have left in your life,

Of course, Jared, Alana and even Zoe , have been reaching out to him, they’re worried about him. Evan knew that they were just scared he had thought of joining Connor and they were so, so right. It’s all Evan seemed to think about these days. Dying.

If they really wanted to see you they'd come, but they won't (who cares?).

He can’t bring himself to reply, because they don't really care, do they? They just don't want another death on them. (Evan doesn't blame them). Jared even came over, just to check if the other boy was even alive. Sadly, he was. Evan just told him to leave him alone and Jared did, not knowing what to do.

Allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love.

He doesn't get the appeal of trees anymore. They remind him of Connor way, way too much and it just hurts. He just wished he’d jumped higher that summer, so he wouldn't be going through this now.

Watch as you begin to take a backseat to the world around you, don't fight it.

Nothing felt real anymore. Everything was numb and he felt nothing but pain. It was like he was dead inside. It’s kinda fucked up he was calling himself dead when Connor actually was gone. Whatever, Evan was a bad person anyway.

Become a secondary character in your own motion picture.

All Evan thought about was Connor, he wasn't even taking care of himself anymore. His hair was greasy and he hadn't gotten out of his room in days. It was like he wasn't there anymore and it was really fucking pathetic.

But most importantly, drown every single one of your feelings in old stolen weed.

So, he tried weed. Connor had an addiction and he wanted to try anything that could remotely bring him close to the long gone brunette. He doesn't hate it, not at all. It makes him feel a little bit better, actually. He gets why Connor liked it so much now.

Learn to love the taste of it stalking down your throat,

At first, though, he hated it. He coughed a lot. It took him a few tries before he learnt how to take it in without fucking up and almost chocking. He enjoyed it now.

Find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach,

This was the closest he had been to Connor since he died and Evan felt a bit better. Weed took things off his mind, not completely, obviously, but it still made him feel a little better, lighter, plus it was just comforting since it was connected to Connor.

You're smoking rolled love now.

He missed him a lot, but at least now he had some sort of comfort, he supposed.

You don't need other people to drive away your loneliness,

It was way better of any comfort he got offered, because no one really helped, but with the weed, he even saw Connor sometimes, which makes him happy and miss him a lot more at the same time, but it was better than nothing.

You just needed to find a way to talk to it.

Until it all became too much. He couldn't bear it anymore, so he decided to embrace the shallowness and to follow his boyfriend’s footsteps. Evan lasted exactly two months after Connor’s death and the days without him felt excruciating slow, like a torture. Evan wasn't even sure there was something after death, but since he couldn't bring back Connor, then he decided he’d try to go to him. It was worth a shot. That’s what he thought as he jumped off the Murphy’s house's rooftop, dying the same way his boyfriend did.