Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Henry had been doing this to Jasper for a while now. Cornering him to touch and be touched only for Henry to walk away looking ashamed as a dog caught eating its own vomit. Henry barely let Jasper kiss him any more, whittling down the routine to just mechanics. The reluctant beginning of all of this was seared into Jasper’s memory. 

It was January, they’d had a half day at school for testing and now they were sitting on opposite ends of the couch in Henry’s bedroom both paying attention to their own phones.

“It’s kinda cool if you want to see it…,” Jasper tried to make the offer sound tempting.

“Bro, I don’t care that you correctly identified the manufacturer of a bucket in the background of a 70s porno!” Henry said for probably the 3rd time that hour.

“It’s interesting! That company stopped manufacturing with lead in 1980 so you almost never see that exact stamping on the―”

“Dude! Shut up!” Henry cut him off, he realized he was overreacting and took a breath. “Okay, fine, if I look at this damn bucket, will you stop talking about it?” 

“Yeah, pretty much,” Jasper shrugged. “I mean the porno’s kind of impressive too I think it was shot on 70mm for some reason,”

“Fine show me,” Henry said, now almost curious. Although, he knew only enough about film and porn production to know that that would have been superfluous. He was also confounded as to how he found himself with a best friend that had an opinion on the aesthetic value of vintage porn. Henry rolled his eyes and held his hand out for Jasper’s phone. 

Henry was surprised by three things: one) the video was playing, two) it was gay porn, and three) it actually was easy to spot the marking on the bucket that Jasper was talking about. He squinted pretending to still be looking for it, because there was something that captivated him about the scene.  Jasper was right it was oddly well shot for 70s cowboy porn, (although Henry wasn’t exactly a connoisseur) but that wasn’t it.  Henry was struck by the sweat, chest hair, elastic musculature, and chiseled faces. 

“Ahem!” Jasper cleared his throat gesturing for his phone back. 

“Oh, right yeah I see it now!” Henry said of the bucket he could see the whole time, despite the guys blowing each other in front of it. “Why do watch gay porn, dude?” He asked, trying to deflect and like he didn’t just also get distracted watching said gay porn.

They were turned toward each other now, both with their feet on the couch. Jasper gestured to himself and gave Henry a look like ‘Don’t ask stupid questions.’

“Okay, cool I guess,” Henry generally kind of tried to avoid talking to Jasper about him being obviously gay, a fact that had become less avoidable as they’d grown up. “Not for me, but cool for you, ya know?” It just kinda tumbled out of Henry’s mouth. 

“Not for you? Sure, Henry” Jasper used a condescending tone, to elicit an argument from Henry in hopes to snap him out of his awkward verbal trap. 

“Yeah, I’m not gay dude.” Henry sounded annoyed, which meant Jasper’s effort to keep him away from his own anxiety worked. 

“Don’t knock it til you try it,” Jasper kind of sang. Now he was just trying to make Henry mad for a laugh. 

“You haven’t even tried it!” Henry spat back. “When have you ever even kissed a dude?”

Jasper was only hurt by that for as long as it took him to think of a response. It wasn’t a perfect one but it would definitely shut Henry up, even if physically. 

Jasper moved quickly towards Henry, placing one hand at his jaw and one at his waist, their foreheads were almost touching and Henry gave a nod slight enough to be denied later before Jasper closed the remaining space between them. Henry kissed him back, and kept kissing him back and before they could internalize any chance of consequence they were full-on making out.

It was different than kissing a girl, Henry noticed. Not better or worse, just different. Being kissed felt imbued with a different, protective, sense of strength. Although, that might have just been Jasper. His light stubble felt commanding over Henry’s skin. Henry joined his hands around the back of jaspers neck and opened his mouth slightly.

Jasper felt a rush with his hands connecting to Henry’s frame. He’d of course thought about this before, but never so concretely.

Jasper was curious to see how far Henry would let him get with this stunt, in his mind he was still just taunting a straight friend, and that straight friend was humoring him for the bit. But that lie only got them so far. Jasper leaned Henry back so that his head was on the armrest of the couch and felt an electric hum in his brain when Henry shocked him by deepening the kiss. Jasper decided to go bold and moved his hand from Henry’s waist to touch him through his jeans and stroke him gently. He felt Henry’s body react to his touch and Henry blush deeply into the kiss before shoving Jasper away. 

“Stop!” Henry said abruptly, sitting up.

“Yeah of course! Sorry! That was pushing it,” Jasper was worried he’d overstepped another boundary he’d failed to see. 

“Yeah it’s okay,” Henry said, turning away from Jasper and giving his attention back to his phone. “Let’s just, you know, move on.” 

The next time Jasper and Henry were alone in Henry's room in an empty house, Henry had his mouth on Jasper’s before the door was completely closed. Henry’s shame seemingly dissipated if he was the one who initiated it.  That time ended differently, still pretty soft-core, but differently. After, the only thing Henry said was a lame string of words indicating Jasper could borrow some of his clothes. 

It took Jasper weeks to get Henry to talk about it. He noticed Henry digging his fingernails into his hands during the entire conversation. Henry explained that he wanted them to figure things out, and he wanted to keep doing what they were doing but, he also asked Jasper to trust him and to “just go with it.”

Truthfully Jasper didn't need to figure it out. He'd ‘figured it out’ the second he saw Jim in Treasure Planet as a kid. Maybe because he was lonely or maybe it was because Henry meant that much to him but Jasper agreed. 

They went with it, and it stayed secretive, soft-core, and painted with shame. That’s the moment Jasper found himself in now, leaving a supply closet at work with a guy who just high-fived him like they’d been playing video games. Henry headed down to the man cave and Jasper headed back up to Junk n Stuff with a nagging feeling like he wasn’t alone. 

Ray was standing by the counter when Jasper entered the store. He held up a hand to wave off pleasantries. 

“Listen, kid, I also don’t want to be having this conversation with you but, I can’t exactly bring it up to Henry without outing him to himself,” Ray said, he was serious but oddly compassionate. “Yeah, I think he would chemically sublimate in shame if I even thought of bringing it up to him so I gotta say it to you.” 

Jasper thought playing dumb would hold up the conversation so he just nodded for Ray to go on. 

“Can you two…” Ray was clearly trying to be careful with his word choice, “be more  discreet?” He said, with a tone less pleasant than he started with. 

Jasper was desperate for this moment to be over so he just nodded again, internally wondering if Henry would let him talk about it for long enough to tell him they had to be discreet. 

“Like, go find your own private Idaho somewhere-the-fuck-else discreet, understand?” Ray shot him a look. 

Jasper nodded again and said, “Is that movie good?” 

“I don’t remember,” Ray pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not the point. Just― do you understand what I am asking and why I’m asking it?” He spat, exasperated. 

“Yeah, yes,” Jasper said while nodding 

“Okay good,” Ray sounded relieved that he could finally leave. He was headed toward the elevator when Jasper stopped him. 

“Ray, what you said…” Jasper started “about outing him to himself?” He finished, quietly.

Ray turned and Jasper watched him search his brain for the right words, fair to Henry, fair to Jasper, and fair to the entirely bizarre set of circumstances both of their lives took place in. He took a deep breath before saying 

“Henry doesn’t let himself have problems. As long as he considers whatever he’s going through a problem, he won’t consider it his,” Ray really hoped that got his point across.

“How do not let yourself have problems?” Jasper asked, although he understood. 

“Burying your own to solve everyone else’s,” Ray said, turning again toward the elevator.

Chapter Text

Okay, so he was kissing his best friend, his best guy friend, who maybe just moved his hand from Henry’s side to the crotch of jeans, and maybe he kinda sorta started getting hard. That didn't mean he was gay. He was a teenage boy, he’d get hard from a stiff breeze. And the kissing thing is totally Jasper’s fault. He said Henry couldn't knock it til he tried it right? He felt himself twitch under Jasper’s touch, then felt a rush of blood to his ears and flood of shame in the gravity that connected his cells. He pushed Jasper off of him. 

“Stop!” Henry wished he'd said something gasserting his heterosexuality. For some reason, though he was anxious that Jasper might think he was scared to go further. 

He tried to play off the moment and move on, but it was like something gossamer and tainted had fallen over them. Henry couldn't stop thinking about it. For days he poured over the details. Jasper said not to say he wasn't gay until he tried it, so he tried it. That should be the end of the story, right? But, did kissing count as ‘trying it’? Kissing was pretty neutral, probably. People in TV and movies did it with their co-workers for work, ya know? So maybe… he should give it a more honest try?

Ugh, this was fucked. He knew he was looking for an excuse to get Jasper to touch him again. Well, it wasn't that bad right? Jasper liked dudes, Henry didn't, but he liked… what did he like? Liking girls was a yes, liking guys still felt like a no, and liking Jasper felt like something he never wanted to think about― if he could help. 

He fixated on it for days. Any second that didn't revolve around something else had him fixated on what couldn't have been more than 10 minutes in his bedroom. It was an anxious fixation that sometimes left him queasy, sometimes left him hot under the collar, and mostly left him fixated.  

He wanted to go back and redo it. He wasn't sure that Jasper kissing him first was technically him trying it. The details needed to be right, no planning, no judgment, home alone on a school night.  Home alone on a school night would be the easiest part. His parents had hard-core checked out for the past couple of years and he knew they would be in Bordertown that weekend. He'd bought Piper two movie tickets to promise to stay out of the house that evening and she didn't even care enough to ask why. 

Henry was sitting on the couch in the living room, bouncing his leg as he had been for the last half hour. Jasper would be over soon. Henry replayed the last time in his mind. The porn, the posturing, the predatory feeling filling Henry up now. This wasn't right to do to Jasper, not fair to his attractions or emotions, but it didn't feel right unless it was with him. 

This was a terrible idea, and it was cruel and stupid, but here Henry was. Thinking to himself only now that maybe he should have just given the cowboy porn a second chance. He was just about to text Jasper to cancel when the door rang. 

Henry opened the door to Jasper to see him soaked. It was raining nearly sideways and Jasper was only in a t-shirt and Adidas warm-ups. 

“What are you doing?” Henry asked before thinking of a better question. 

“You invited me over!” Jasper gave an indignant huff.

It made Henry smile. 

“Come on,” Henry said, “let's get you dry,” he gestured up the stairs. This ‘no plan’ thing was working out better than he expected. He was glad to be going to his room, the living room seemed vulnerable for what he didn't have planned. He gestured for Jasper to head up the stairs and followed him trying not to pay attention to how Jasper’s wet shirt clung to him.  Jasper entered Henry’s bedroom and turned back.

“Can I borrow that green, long sleeve―” Jasper started. 

‘Now or never’ Henry thought, although it wasn't. 

Henry darted forward, only to kiss Jasper like it was a question. He was shocked at how cold Jasper was from the rain. Jasper seemed to understand though, because he kissed back in a way that could have only meant yes. 

Maintaining the kiss, Henry maneuvered Jasper towards his bed and shoved his hips back to sit after his calves hit the side. Henry kissed him again more passionately and sunk to his knees in front of Jasper, reaching towards his waistband. 

“Henry, stop,” Jasper panted.

Henry looked up, meeting his gaze and Jasper tried not to think about how rejected Henry suddenly looked he looked. 

“What are you doing?” Jasper asked. 

“You said not to knock it, til I tried it so… this is me actually trying it,” Henry said, feeling now that his explanation was a little pathetic. 

“Okay,” Jasper said, sounding oddly compassionate. “We can do that, just you know maybe some warning. Next time… I mean if there is… I mean… whatever.”

“No, you’re right,” Henry said, feeling guilty for just kind of springing it on him. 

“So…” Henry asked, “is this okay?”

Jasper almost looked conflicted but settled on “yeah,” quickly enough. “Come here, though,” Jasper said offering his hands to help Henry up into the bed. They sat there quietly for a moment, sitting, touching at the side. Henry had his hands in his lap and when Jasper tried to take one he instead raised it to Jasper’s jaw, tilting his head so that Henry could kiss him again. 

They were still sitting on the edge of the bed, with both feet on the floor like Hayes-code era blocking. They readjusted to be angling towards each other and Henry kissed Jasper again, from his temple to, his jaw to his lips. 

Jasper kissed back, and Henry kissed back and then they were just kissing. Henry was bewildered as to how he thought that kissing ‘didn’t count’ even minutes earlier. Right now it felt like it counted more than anything. Like his nerve endings were taking in information they hadn't before. 

It made Henry want to chase the feeling, pulling himself closer to Jasper. Henry’s senses felt alight at the contrast between Jasper’s warm skin and still wet clothes, which were now dampening the bed spread. Jasper, in turn, pulled Henry into him, both of his hands resting on the small of Henry’s back. 

“Is this okay?” Jasper asked, moving his hand to Henry’s outside thigh. Henry nodded and moved his own hand to Jasper’s hip, he was unable to verbalize the question so he broke the kiss to indicate asking “Is this okay?” Jasper responded with an indication that it was okay, it was also okay if Henry wanted to get in his lap. 

A lump formed in Henry’s throat. This was what he didn’t plan right? To actually do… something? Now, it felt like the confidence he’d had to get on his knees seemed to have never really existed. He was acutely anxious and was trying to shove away the feeling that he might just shut down. He turned his head from Jasper.

Before he could settle on a new line of sight, he felt Jasper’s cold, strong fingers cupping his jaw lightly and turning his head back toward him. 

“You dont have to, it’s okay,” Jasper said, softly. 

Somehow being told he didn’t have to, gave him the confidence to want to. He kissed Jasper’s cheek, moved even closer, and started to drag up the hem of Jasper’s shirt. Henry felt like suddenly everything was real. He was really doing this, this was really Jasper and it was all actually real. But it was exciting, and electric. Jasper was freezing and soaking wet and still felt similarly.

Jasper pulled henry into his lap, so that Henry was straddled over him partially kneeling on the bed. Pulling away from the kiss, this was the first time they’d truly looked at each other since Jasper arrived. They both said nothing but they both thought ‘damn he’s something.’

He raised his hands again to Jasper’s jaw and kissed him with an open mouth, savoring the masculinity of his shape and stubble. Jasper grabbed Henry’s ass pulling him closer. Henry was unignorably hard and from this position, he could tell Jasper was as well. Jasper swept his tongue between Henry’s lips and Henry involuntarily thrusted into the sensation. Jasper responded in kind, squeezing Henry closer to feel the friction between the two. Henry thrusted again, and then Jasper, and then they were moving in tandem. They held each other more firmly now, kissing and touching and thrusting until they lie side by side, sticky under their clothes. 

Jasper has his arm around Henry’s waist and slipping at the precipice of sleep. It was a nice sensation, a really nice sensation. But since the rush has subsided Henry could feel the smoky tendrils of shame creeping again at the base of his skull. He was hoping this experience would have given him some answers and now in the dark, he wasn't even sure he knew what the question was. 

And so it continued.

It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t immoral, he wasn’t going to get disowned, or sent away, but every time Henry thought about it, he felt like the walls were closing in on him, aside from when it was actually happening. When it was actually happening his thoughts were clear, and in the moment, and addicted to the touch. And then it was over and the weight of what it meant about him felt like it was trying to drag his brain down his throat.

Chapter Text

Henry bit at a hang nail and wiped the saliva on his pants. He felt kinda gross about it. He was feeling kinda gross about a lot of things. There were didn’t agree with about being Kid Danger.

When he was younger and everything was new it was easy. He didn’t understand it all yet. Now… it was harder.

He was sitting uncomfortably on the Man Cave’s circular couch in Kid Danger’s formal uniform. A muted dark red suit that made his shoulders look about an inch wider than they actually were. When he’d first gotten it tailored, Schwoz told him it made him look like a man, but it sometimes made him feel like David Byrne. He still liked the suit though, it was the nicest thing he owned. Kind of. Henry would never be able to wear it as himself, but he could pretend for a moment though. He peeled off his mask and rubbed at his eyes and the silver pigment that obscured him from facial recognition software. He wiped it on his pocket square.

He started fidgeting with his cuff links, a part of the suit he didn’t like— they had the Captain Man logo on them, Ray insisted they match. They’d been dragged out to some corporate gala celebrating a new contract with the city. A contract Henry had first heard about through Jasper. They were going to be building a new chemical plant that had the potential to poison the soil and water in some of Swellview’s poorer neighborhoods, including the one where Jasper and his mother lived. 

“Well that sucked,” Ray said, sitting next to Henry, will in his formal captain man attire. 

Henry noticed he was holding a tumbler of some kind of dark liquor. Henry was intrigued. Ray had previously gotten squeamish drinking a beer around Henry because it “felt sleazy.” Henry didn't say anything about it though, worried he would now be the one looking prudish. 

“Yeah it sucked, that's why you shouldn't have ditched me,” Henry said with little patience.

Ray had disappeared for over an hour to ‘talk to the mayor.’ Henry wasn't invited to meetings with the mayor but that didn't matter. Henry had caught just a second of a kind of tacky woman touching Ray’s arm and their forms fading in a similar direction out of the corner of his eye. Henry had been left alone, now the object of attention of adults that he neither knew how to talk to nor knew how to talk to him. 

These weren't upper middle-class yuppies, they were rich rich. Henry had a vague notion that any of them might jump at a chance to eat human flesh if the meal was billed exclusively enough. Kid Danger was passed from conversation to conversation like a board game timer, taking 5 to 15 minutes before things got awkward. About half of the exchanges he'd been thrust into included an offer to sneak him a drink from the bar. He thought it was funny. The first time.

When Ray reappeared he rescued Henry from a miserable conversation with three women, his mom's age who had all managed to touch Henry’s arm or shoulder every time they spoke. Ray told Henry it was time to go and they'd said very little since. 

“Whatever, Who were those biddies holding you hostage?” Ray asked judgmentally. 

“Dude. Mary, Kay, and Letourno,” Henry said, exasperated. 

“Ha!” said Ray out the side of his mouth. “I forgot about Mary Kay Letrourno. Gross! probably better than my meeting with the mayor though!” Ray wasn’t taking Henry seriously. He didn't want to take Henry seriously because that would have meant that it was his fault. It was. 

Ray had begged the mayor not to make him take Henry to this bullshit. The woman Henry had seen Ray with had given a substantial donation to the mayor’s campaign in exchange for “some of Captain Man’s time.” That time was meant to be during the reception, so someone had to be the social consolation prize for the people missing out on a selfie with the local hero. Ray didn't know that Henry had noticed. 

“Yeah right,” Henry scoffed, “you could do better by the way.”

“I can do better,” Ray, said hoping a lie would come to him. “She... Uhm… Works for the city, kind of a Man-Fan. The Mayor was avoiding the crowd, she led me to the office where he was posted up,”

“Great.” Henry’s anger had shifted from Ray to the situation at large. “Bro, why do I have to mingle with a crowd the mayor wouldn't get near,” 

“We go active crime scenes, like a lot, you already do that bro,” Ray was trying to coax the threatening feeling of the evening out of Henry’s memory. He didn't want him to pay too much attention to that in connection to what he saw. 

“That's not the same!” Henry was trying to make Ray understand.

“Whatever.” Ray couldn't let Henry know that he understood. 

“You suck,” Henry said knowing it was about as mature as ‘whatever.’

Henry removed his cuff links and set them on the table. He fidgeted with them for a moment and then texted Jasper asking if they could hang. Jasper texted back almost immediately: please do!

Henry said something lame about getting home before midnight, transformed into his own clothes, and took the tubes to Jasper's neighborhood. When Henry got to the house Jasper was on the stoop in a trench coat lighting a cigarette in a citronella candle. Henry wanted to know what was up with the candle but knew the question might risk a lengthy answer. 

Jasper put the cigarette out before even taking a drag when he saw Henry coming. He tucked it behind his ear. Henry thought it made him look kind of chicly dangerous. Or, it would— if the rest of the outfit didn't consist of neon green basketball shorts and a photoprinted crewneck creating the all-over image of a bear catching a salmon in the river. 

“Hi ya, Henry!” Jasper said, standing up and opening the door, he sounded cheerful.  

“Hey, Jasp,” Henry wasn't sure he'd sounded convincingly content.

Henry ascended the stoop and entered the house, heading directly for Jasper’s room. This started to make Henry feel worse about where he had been tonight, and feel bad about the fact that he was coming here because he felt bad about where he'd been that night. 

They walked into the room and Jasper turned on the string of Christmas lights he used instead of a lamp. Henry loved Jasper’s room, it was the type of place where you noticed something new about it every time you visited. Henry looked around the room, from the futon Jasper slept on, to the stacks of 80s sci-fi paperbacks, to a lead box containing Jasper’s prized uranium glass ice bucket. Henry watched Rosie, jaspers pet tarantula scuttle back Into a hollow log in her terrarium. Turning again he met Jasper’s gaze, Jasper wrapped his arms around Henry’s waist and pulled him into a kiss. Henry kissed back.

He wasn't surprised that Jasper had thought this was the intention. Henry kinda wished it was, but he didn't have the energy to participate. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk either, and wracked his brain for something he actually wanted. 

“Can we uhm…” Henry started, pulling away from the kiss, “not this, not right now,” he breathed. He stopped Jasper just before he could get Henry’s jeans unbuttoned.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Jasper said softly, suddenly concerned. “What do you want to do?” 

“Can we just lie down for a bit?” Henry asked, nodding slightly toward the futon. 

“Of course yeah,” Jasper whispered. He crawled into bed and waited to hold Henry with open arms. 

Henry really didn't want to be touched right now, he crawled onto the edge of the bed, lying on his side and facing Jasper, and gave a weak smile. Jasper took the hint and mirrored Henry, looking worried. Jasper put out his hand between them and wasn't sure if he was supposed to be less concerned when Henry took it.

Chapter Text

Henry’s chest was heaving breaths into Jasper's stomach. His head was resting on Jasper's sternum and he was trying hard to hide how hard he was breathing after failing to hide the fact that he'd came quickly, and still in his jeans. They were lying on Henry’s bed and suppressing their startle instincts at every pair of headlights on the street, knowing anyone of them could be Piper or Henry’s parents coming home to break the soap bubble tension of the moment. 

He was ashamed, even to initiate the encounter after he told Jasper the week prior they couldn't do that anymore. He meant it, until he was home alone with Jasper and it was dark and comfortable, and his mouth was right there.

Now Henry was ashamed.

Jasper knew that. That's why he was stroking Henry’s hair so sweetly. 

Henry was so apologetic when he started kissing Jasper again and so ashamed that he finished quickly. Jasper was ashamed that he knew that's how he was keeping Henry close to him. If Henry came out, he could find someone better, better than Jasper. 

So Jasper let Henry do this fucked up push and pull. For which Henry would always be forgiven. Jasper took a noticeably deep breath to enforce calm. He massaged Henry's lower back for a moment and waited for him to relax before lowering his hands into Henry’s jeans. Henry always got squeamish any time Jasper’s hands got anywhere near his ass but Jasper knew he wouldn’t say anything about it this time.

Jasper wasn’t even going to do anything, he just wanted the novelty of the lack of protest. Jasper knew that Henry felt like he owed it to Jasper; Henry would concede some of his boundaries like it was a little treat for Jasper’s compliance in violating his own. 

Jasper pulled his hands back to Henry’s waist. Henry pulled himself up so that he and Jasper were face to face. Henry’s eyes were wide in the dark and were glassy with something between fear and shame. Jasper wondered if he was in for another apology — he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to resist telling Henry to shut up this time. 

Instead, Henry kissed him. He hadn’t done that in a while.