Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I walk to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I suddenly felt the urge to relapse.. to see the sharp object drag along my skin. Fuck, what was I thinking? I recovered a year ago. But I needed to cut, to see blood running down my wrist. I couldn’t resist anymore. I pick up the blade and cut at least ten deep cuts into my left arm. What the hell have I done? I think to myself as I drop the blade to the floor regretting my decision. I then realized that Jake had heard me. Shit. “Johnnie? What are you doing in there?” Fuck, “I uh, nothing. Just uh… brushing my hair?” I say out of pure fear. What would happen if he just walked in. “Alright?…” he answers before he walks away from the bathroom and goes to the sofa.

I look down at my blood covered arms, why the hell did I do this. I’m so fucking fragile. Why the hell does Jake even want to be my friend? He could have anyone, he deserves someone better I think as I begin hulking at the thought. God, cutting hurts worse than I could remember. I grab the bandages from the top shelf and wrap it around my newly cutter scars. I didn’t even have a good reason to do this.

I wear a hoodie so that Jake won’t notice. I don’t think I can do this. How the hell am I gonna hide something so obvious when we are this close, it’s summer and it’s hot- that means I’ll have to explain why I’m still wearing long sleeved shirts. OH GOD. This was so fucking stupid! As I walk out of the bathroom I see Jake still sitting in the sofa, he looks over at me. I cross my fingers and hold that he doesn’t notice my swollen eyes.

“Johnnie?” He says in a casual voice. “Yes?” I answer trying to stay as collected and calm as possible. I really hope he doesn’t notice, please don’t notice, please. “Johnnie.. have you been crying?” I don’t answer. “Johnnie please answer me.” “No- of course not. Why would I cry? I would never! I uh…” as I was trying to explain myself I could already tell he knew. He knew I had cried. “Please tell me what happened.” He said. I really didn’t want to answer so I just ended up trying to get to my room but before I could get that long he grabs my wrist and keeps me from walking away. “Ow fuck Jake” I say as I feel him pressing on the still bloody scars.

“What the fuck Johnnie!?” He says as he drags up my sleeve as he’s met with bloody bandages. Fuck I got caught-

(Hope you liked it, don’t forget to leave a comment or a kudo)

Btw- next part will be tomorrow

Chapter Text

“Johnnie. You can’t keep doing this.” Jake states, looking at me with a serious look in his eyes. I can tell he’s worried, fuck I made him worry. I don’t deserve to have someone who cares about me. I feel so bad. I sit down beside him as I silently sob into my palms. I can feel him wrapping an arm around my shoulder, stroking my arm ever so carefully. I feel so stupid as I sit here and cry like a child, I feel like a teenager again. As a teenager I cut myself a lot, this very moment brings me back to that awful time. “Johnnie, your zoning out again” I hear Jake say as I realize I haven’t heard him talking to me.

“I’m fine i swear” I utter “you don’t need to worry, it was just a small episode.” I assure him knowing it’s far from the truth, as I really aren’t okay. Far from okay. I’m doing shit honestly. I don’t even have any fucking reason to feel this way, I’ve been depressed since I was 13 and now I don’t really care because now it’s “normal” I guess. It’s okay because I’m used to it is what I tell people. As all these thoughts are wandering around my head I feel myself realizing how bad it really is. The anxiety, depression and the anger. I can’t do this anymore.

“Johnnie are you sure..?” He asks with little trust in the words I just spit out. “You can tell me anything you know.” He assures me making sure I do know. He always tells me that I can always talk to him but I really wouldn’t want to put that kind of pressure on him, especially since he just got diagnosed with autism and he hasn’t been feeling too good since. I’d rather not have him worry, but still. I know I should tell him, I should tell him I can’t do this anymore. “I..” stops, I just stop myself from telling him. What if I regret it? What if he doesn’t care?

“Tell me, it’s okay.” He tells me in a soothing voice. I finally find the courage to tell him. “I can’t to this anymore-“ I cry out bursting into tears again, I feel cold tears running down my face. I was planning on saying more but I couldn’t. Fucking shit, I just confirmed that I am indeed fragile as hell. I can’t even say a simple sentence without breaking. I feel myself shaking as he tightens his grip around my shoulder, making sure he doesn’t touch any of the scars. I lay my head on his shoulder as I continue my crying.
He grips tighter and I can hear him silently crying. Wait what? Why is he crying. I look up to see him wiping the tears of his face.

“Jake what are you crying for?” I ask as i finally collect myself to some degree. He takes a deep breath before he starts to speak “it’s just that it breaks me to see you like this. When we met I thought your depression would go away after a few months but it never did. And I just feel so sorry that you can never get out of it” “But Jake, that’s none of your fault.” I tell him hoping that he’ll let it go knowing this conversation will be long.

“I.. it was some of my fault.” He answers “what the hell do you mean Jake?” I ask him wondering what his delulu ass has made up. “When your first told me you were depressed I just tried to avoid talking to you about it and before I knew it you were standing on the edge of the bridge. I- I should have helped you! But.. I didn’t.”

“Oh Jake. That’s none of your fault. At the time we barely knew each other anyway”

End of chapter two, have a nice day!

I’m thinking of updating this 1-3 times a month so stay tuned if you’d like more✌🏻 Also sorry that the chapters are so short, I just don’t have the motivation to make them very long

Chapter Text

“I know Johnnie but still, I wish it never got as bad as it did. If I helped you or- if I did something you would never feel the need to jump of the bridge” he says as his crying gets more intense, at this point he’s bawling his eyes out. “But Jake, I promise that wasn’t your fault. It’s nearly three years since I stood on that bridge, it’s a long time ago! Even tho I told you it was bad I didn’t tell you the whole truth, I never told you I were suicidal.” I tell him as I watch him sob. This time, it was the truth.

“Jake it’s fine” I say trying to comfort him as I failed miserably. “FINE!? Y- you could have been dead Johnnie.” He adds. I know he’s worried, but it’s a long time ago. It’s all better now I try to tell myself but I know I’m lying, it really isn’t better. At least I don’t want to die… “But Johnnie, what the hell made you relapse? Why?” He asks me, he has stopped crying now but his eyes are still red and puffed. I ask myself that too, the weird thing is that I’m not quite sure why. Why did I relapse? “I.. I don’t know?” I tell him, he looks a bit confused by my answer but it’s the truth, I don’t have any better answers.

I try to recall the thoughts I had before I let the blade run over my skin. Shit, I remember why. It’s because I saw Jake and Tara kiss, that’s still no valid answer for me to hurt myself. I think I was just.. jealous? Why the hell am I jealous? They have been together for ever, I’ve never really felt this way, I guess I’ve been I slight bit jealous of him but that’s only because he has a lover and I don’t. Should I tell him this, maybe he will think I crush on him. Not that it’s totally wrong either, lately I want to hold his hand and brush my hand through his black hair. “I relapsed because- because I’m jealous- of you.” I say. “Me? What did I do?” He asks curiously and he frowns his eyebrows.

“I mean, it’s not you it’s just, I wish I also was hot, had a lover and was actually attractive.” Oh god. Why did I say that? “You think I’m hot and attractive?” I don’t know what to answer, I guess I do.

End of chapter three!

Sorry this was a very short one😭 But i genuinely have no idea how to write fluff or love confessions. Anyways, do anyone have any tips on how to write fantasy, I have to write one for school next week and I’m shit at fantasy…

Well anyway, hope you enjoyed todays chapter!

Chapter Text

“You think I’m hot and attractive?” I didn’t know what to answer, I guess I did. I had no clue on what to tell him at all. It just ended up being uncomfortable and it all felt weird. We sat in an empty silence for way too long before I found it too overwhelming to just sit there and stare at each other not knowing what to say. After a while I just ended up going to my room. When I opened the door I feel the regret come back to me, what the actual fuck I think to myself. Why did I say that? He has a god damn girlfriend you stupid fuck! I feel myself cringing at the words I told him. WHAT THE HELL.

I can’t just ignore him for the rest of my life, I can just find some sort of excuse, how hard can it be? Like I’ll just tell him that I meant it in a friend way, right? It wasn’t the truth but right now he was indeed my friend, my best friend. I couldn’t possibly loose him. For now I think I should just keep my distance is what I decided, it’s probably best for both of us. No one gets hurt and Jake can just continue his life just the way it is. While I will just wait my crush on him out, it might take a while but I’ve been through worse things.

When I’m worried I always read this one fic on ao3 from this very (extremely) good author called star14. I always find comfort in her poems and thoughts. I wish I was also able to write stories and poems this well.

As I finish all the chapters in her collection I end up looking a bit around in the site. I find myself stumbling over a fanfic called JakexJohnnie, it is probably a bad idea to read it but fuck that. I begin reading it and soon realize it’s a story about us kissing and being on love. I feel myself getting jealous and wondering if I could ever have that with him…

(10 days skips)

I’m currently looking for some sort of video idea for my next YouTube video. I think of the things me and Jake have done in the past and I realize we still have’s been shopping useless shit at Walmart. I quickly decide this will be the next video for my channel. I will tell Jake when he comes home I tell myself. 

I hear the door open, it’s Jake! “Hey Jake, I thought that for our next video” I say as I storm down the stairs “we should go to-“ I stop. I see Jake crying, he runs over to me and hugs me. He hulks and his mascara is everywhere. “Jake.. what happened?” I ask him while still hugging him tight. I lead him up the stairs and to the sofa. He sits down still with his eyes looking like a water fountain. “Tara… she..” he starts “she what?!” I ask with a bit to much force than I intended, he slightly flinches at my unintentional loud voice. “She broke up.” What.

End of chapter four (?). I hope you liked it! Sorry for the delay but I was just very tired. Also what the hell, school is starting in two days and no way in hell I’m going back to that shithole. I really don’t want to go😀 Especially since we have maths first thing in the morning and its gonna be 19- outside… oh and also I’d rather not to back to that zoo looking place called ✨the lockers✨.

Chapter Text

“She broke up” what.

”Jake, what happened?” I tell him watching him shake beside me. They were perfect together, why the hell would she break up?! “She said she felt like it wasn’t working out and that… that I was a waste of time…” WASTE OF TIME?!? Jake will never be a waste of time, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t believe Tara would tell him such. He is still sobbing, I can tell he wants to say more but the tears make it hard for him to speak. “But Jake, you are literally not a waste of time and if Tara thinks that then she is in the wrong, I have never once regretted that we met and I never will” I say to him as he looks up at me, his eyes red and slightly swollen. 

“Thanks Johnnie” he says in a shaky voice. I can’t help but get angry at Tara for making him feel this way. I thought they were a forever thing and so did probably Jake. He look me deep in the eyes and his crying eyes makes me feel even worse even though I shouldn’t be the one to feel bad. He lets out yet another cry followed by a loud hulk. 

end of chapter five! This one was very short but I might just post one later today as I’m not doing much today. School is starting tomorrow (😭) so I won’t be posting as much as I have the past week when I start school. But as I’ve already said, I will update 2-7 times a week.

Please leave a comment or a kudo, it helps me going and gives me motivation. I’m the future you might get to see longer chapters with a bit more depth as I don’t plan ent of these chapters.

Hope you liked it!

NOTICE: the next chapter will be on next Friday, it will be maybe, 2/3 times longer than most of the current chapters to stay tuned for that

Chapter Text

NOTICE:

So I just wanted to clear up a few things. No one asked but I’m kinda confused myself. So Johnnie and Jake does not live together even tho it might seem like it since Johnnie says “your home Jake”, that was just very goofy thing for me to add but please just pretend that they are so close that it’s basically normal for them to say this. So you probably get the fact that Jake and Tara lived together.

I am very sorry that the plot is rather bad and confusing but when the story is finished I’ll try to look over all the chapters and make them work.

The next chapter will be longer but since it’s longer it takes more time, next chapter will come out this Friday

Chapter Text

I feel so sorry for him as I watch him continue his loud sobs and hulks. I can feel he’s having a hard time accepting the breakup. Not that I blame him, I would too. I carefully brush my hand over his back trying to give him somewhat of a safe feeling. It doesn’t seem to be working because his crying just got even heavier. After a while he finally stopped his crying but it was followed by an insufferably painful silence. All in his own thoughts he stared blankly at the wall in front of him. He didn’t seem to even notice that I brought him a glass of water a few minutes ago as he hasn’t even given it a sip. After all the crying his eyes were all puffed up and red, jeez, they even look tired.

“Jake” no answer, “Jake!” I follow repeating myself. He tilts his head towards me waiting for me to continue to speak. “I- I’m very sorry Jake, the breakup and all. And since, you know, you’ve been together for five years” I say, I’m not understanding quite what I’m getting at because I’m basically just stating facts. I also remind myself that five years of being together means that they are both used to each other’s company and it probably feels quite lonely now. I’ve never had a relationship last more than a few months, and still, after the breakups I was crushed. I can’t imagine being in Jake’s situation.

“I know you really love Tara but you will find someone new, it might take a while but you aren’t that long into life either” I tell him keeping my voice down. Normally when one of us has a bad day we just joke and laugh about it to feel better but I know it will just feel like an insult if I do so. He is nearly falling asleep. “I’m gonna just sleep on the couch for a bit” he says before he lays down, it doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep and when he does I take a blanket over his body.

He looks so beautiful as he lays there, I bring my fingertips to his lips and carefully brush over them. Sometimes I just want to kiss him or hold his hand. For some reason that need just got even worse after Tara broke up. I move my hand to his nose and follow his perfectly curved nose. I wish he was mine. Wait, what the hell am I doing I think to myself before taking my hand fast of his face. I need to stop this, he is straight and I always tell everyone I’m straight. Don’t let anyone see the real me, I repeat in my head.

As I walk up the stairs to my room I hear Jake grunt. “Jake, are you okay?” “It’s just that I don’t have anywhere to stay.” He says as I walk downstairs again. “You can stay here if you’d like? I only have one bed so we would have to share, unless you want to sleep on the couch?” I say. This scene feels like a very typical ao3 and I wonder why someone would make a plot this bad and unoriginal. I remind myself that my life isn’t some random story written by a stranger and that this is real life. (Ik I’m so funny)

“I guess it would be best to sleep in the bed together? I’m not sure how long I’m gonna have to stay since me and Tara still have to sell the house and figure out what things are mine and hers.” I can tell he’s fighting back tears at this point. I want to tell him everything will be okay but I really don’t think I’m the right person to be telling him that as I have been depressed the past 10 years. And it really hasn’t passed. “Yeah sure” I tell him avoiding telling him my thoughts.

*Jake’s point of view*

I can’t believe Tara broke up with me, I thought we were a forever thing. At least I have Johnnie. I don’t know who else I would talk to if it wasn’t for him. And I mean, me and him are close but it still feels kind of wrong to sleep in the same bed as him but at the same time I know I will get the worst back pains if I sleep on the couch. I genuinely have no idea how long I’m gonna have to stay.

And at the same time I feel somewhat relieved that we broke up, I feel more like my own person. Not that I didn’t with Tara but now it’s just Jake. Not Jake and Tara, just me. Honestly I get sad thinking about it, I obviously want to be my own person, but I want to be my own person with her. Johnnie has already made his way up to his room as it got kinda awkward after we said we had to share a bed. Not that I have a problem with it or anything but this really isn’t gonna help the gay rumors.

I only now realize that I’m gonna have to tell our fans we aren’t together anymore. I don’t know if I can even do that without sobbing like a fucking child. Not that there’s any wrong with crying but I’m literally the world’s ugliest crier. Not only that, my whole fyp will be filled with crying edits of me and that will just make everything worse. I honestly think it would be better to just wait a week or two before I tell anyone, unless if Tara does it first. It feels weird that we aren’t together anymore, but that’s life I guess.

Johnnie’s house smells like subway and Dr Pepper, not in a bad way but not in a good way either. I always feel quite bad for him whenever I’m at his house. He has no one to visit him except for me and when I’m not here he just sits alone in his room. He does nothing, just feeding his depression and making it worse. I always knew it was bad but I would have never guessed he would have relapsed, and I guess it’s understandable I just don’t know why? He said he was jealous of me or something but still. What kind of excuse is that to harm yourself, I know that there has to be something more to it.

*

“Hey Johnnie!” I say as I knock on his door. “Yeah?” He answers from the inside and I take it as a yes. I open the door to him just casually sitting tucked up in the bed watching YouTube. “Do you have an extra toothbrush and some pajamas I could use?” I ask him. He looks up at me and nods over to the closet. “I have pajamas in there but not quite sure they will fit you though. As for toothbrush I have an extra in the bathroom drawer.” He tells me, I’m quite relieved actually to hear that he knows where his things are.

I open the closet and begin looking through the slightly organized shelves and drawers. I finally find some clothes to sleep in but soon notice the bottoms being two sizes too small for me. No way in hell I’m sleeping in just my boxer, I always get freezing while sleeping and Johnnie’s thin blankets aren’t exactly helping with that. Well it is what it is I think as I continue looking in the drawers hoping to find something that fits. With no luck I sight and accept my fate.

I’ll probably go out and buy one tomorrow, I would today but it’s getting late and I’m very tired.

End of chapter six!! Hope you liked it, don’t forget to leave a comment or a kudo🫶🏻

Chapter Text

I walk over to the bathroom and look in the drawer under the sink to find the extra toothbrush. I look through the things before I find it, but I also find this small little box. At first I don’t think anything of it but I then realize it has some blood looking substance on it. I grab the small blue box before carefully opening it. There it was, a blade. I knew Johnnie cut himself but after he relapsed he has been in some ways more distant. I look at the blade to see new blood. It was ten days since I caught him in the bathroom but the blood on it was more recent.

I need to stop I say to myself. I have absolutely no right to be going through his personal stuff I say to myself before putting the box back before continuing my search for a toothbrush. When I finally find it I brush my teeth and walk to Johnnie’s bedroom. I open the door to Johnnie sitting in the bed watching YouTube, he has already gotten ready for bed. He looks up at me before putting his phone on the small table beside him.

“Uh, did you find the toothbrush and stuff?” He asks. “Yeah, yeah. It’s all good” I answer him. It’s very awkward as I sit down on the bed before pulling the covers over me. Thankfully he has two blankets so we wouldn’t have to share. He walks to the door and turns the light off, I feel myself drifting off to sleep quickly.

*johnnie’s pov*

“02:05” says the clock. Me and Jake went to bed about two hours ago now. I feel so awake even though it’s the middle of the night. I look up in the ceiling before I lay on to the side and watch Jake sleeping. He looks so beautiful and carefree as he is covered to his neck with the blankets because of the thin covers. Oh god, he is so pretty. He lays there ever so silently before he says something. “Jake, are you awake?” I ask him, he babbles a reply before I realize he is sleep talking. He always does this when he’s sleeping on the couch so it really isn’t a surprise. “Johnnie, y.. you look so pretty” what? “I love the way you put on your m-makeup and, and I think you are so hot..” he says before he goes silent. Oh.

He thinks I’m pretty and hot? I get a warm bubbly feeling in my stomach. What he just said isn’t helping with my crush on him, but I probably shouldn’t believe what he’s saying. He is asleep and in a whole other world. I don’t think he actually means it, that would have been weird. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

*jake’s perspective* (I am so sorry that the perspective’s are changing so often but please, bear with me. Oh and also, I have ACTUALLY figured out a plot for the story, to some degree though)

I wake up and grab my phone to check the clock “10:46” it says. I never sleep in for this long but I figured Johnnie is still sleeping and that’s why he hasn’t woken me up. But to my surprise he isn’t in the bed still. He probably just wanted me to sleep in well. I sit up and walk over to the living room. Johnnie’s sitting in the sofa, all zoned out. Its not particularly normal for him but I guess he’s had a bad night of sleep. “When did you wake up?” I ask him. “Since four” he answers, since four?! Why the hell was he up that damn early?

“Why did you wake up so early?” I ask him wondering what would make him be up this god damn early. He answers “Nothing special.” To my question. “Huh, weird” I say. He normally goes to bed at four, or at least he used to. I think nothing more of it as I walk over to the kitchen. As I open the fridge I get meet by a nearly empty refrigerator. Why doesn’t he have any food? Does he just live of instant noodles and lunchable’s? “JOHNNIE!! Do you have any food?!” “No not really”. No not really? What’s that supposed to mean, he has had to eat something.

I walk back to the kitchen before rummaging through the cupboards. I finally find a half full box of cereal and find some milk. It’s not much but I’ll be okay. I just don’t get how he survives without food in his own fridge?

I drop the thoughts and walk back to the living room where Johnnie is sitting peacefully in front of the tv like an iPad kid. Though there’s something off.. something about the expression on his face?

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: *TW: SEX, (it won’t be full on anal sex, but sucking off and jerking off)*

Third pov:

“Johnnie are you fine?” Jake asks the boy not getting an answer. Johnnie seems bothered by something? He’s still looking blankly at the screen in front of him. He fiddles with the phone in his hand as he looks up at Jake for a few seconds. What is wrong? Jake wonders. Jake sits down beside him and brings their hands together, Johnnie flinches immediately and takes it away from Jake. Johnnie seems nervous and anxious, as he normally doesn’t react this way when Jake tries to hold his hand or being a bit touchy.

As Jake gets more and more concerned what’s going on he says “Johnnie you can tell me”. “Um… you- you said last night- when you were sleeping that…” he stops. “What, what did I say Johnnie??” He asks the emo boy as his eyebrows knit together in a confused expression. “You said I was… hot” hot?! The brown haired guy thinks to himself. Though it was indeed true, he really did think that, he had never said it out loud before now. He did joke about it in videos but he never meant it in that way, did he?

“Oh.. did I say anything else?” Jake asks out of curiosity and embarrassment. Jake feels himself blush at his own words, did I really say that? Jake asks himself.

“You said I was pretty and you loved the way I put on my.. uh.. makeup.” Oh my… he thinks, it’s not like he doesn’t think that but he has never brought himself to say it out loud. It feels very morally wrong but he really wants to kiss him right now. Fuck, what is he thinking. He just broke up with Tara. This is so so fucking wrong he thinks as he cup Johnnies face in his hand.

“Jake” Johnnie says but Jake’s not stopping. He pulls his face closer to his own as they are currently cm from each other. “Jake” he repeats “are you sure about this?” He says knowing it’s so wrong to do this. “Yes, yes I am.” Jake says confidently knowing damn well he is so nervous and that it feels as his heart is pounding out of his chest. He makes his way even closer to his lips as they meet Jake’s. The kiss feels so warm and welcoming in a sort of way. (What the fuck am I doing with my life)

I’m kissing my own damn best friend Johnnie thinks. They pull off catching their breath. He looks so good as he stares at me Jake thinks to himself as the emo stares at him. Jake’s heart is pounding in his chest as their lips join again. He pushes his tongue in and the innocent kiss turns into a heated make out. Their tongue’s fighting for dominance. Johnnie grabs Jake’s neck and pulls him even closer, making so there’s no air between the two of them. Jake moves his hands from his face to his dead hair and carefully tuck on it. Fuck, his mouth feels so good against mine they both think.

Johnnie lays down on his back and Jake goes on top of him continuing the heated kissing. Grinding against each other as the older boy whimpers. Jake feels his erection getting rock hard. Jake brings a hand down to Johnnie’s pants and begin palming him through his black skinny jeans, earning a loud moan from the boy under him. So vulnerable and open for him.

“Fuck Jake” he says. Jake immediately takes his hand off Johnnies dick wondering if he’s okay. “Don’t stop, please, I need you” he says in a seductive but needy way. Shit, the way he said that turns Jake on so much. Jake helps Johnnie drag his t-shirt of him as Jake kissing his neck. The small pecks soon turn into more animal like biting and sucking, leaving hickeys all over him. Jake trail his tongue down to his nipples and suck on it and pinching the other one with his hand. This motion making him silently moan at the sensation.

“I need more, please Jake” he begs, what an impatient bitch jake thinks to himself but still fulfilling his wish. Jake moves his way down to his crotch. He begins to unbuckle his belt and drag his pants off as well as his socks (idk why but I want the socks off during sex). Jake starts to lick the thin fabric of his boxers before pulling them completely off. Kissing and cat licking the tip of his cock and kiss the shaft.

He breaths heavily as Jake continues to kiss around his rock hard dick. “Jake, stop teasing me” he says in a bit more of a serious tone than before. Wishing to please him Jake begins sucking on the head before taking him halfway before he is gaging. Jake brings a hand to the lower part of his dick and begin jerking the part that isn’t covered by his own mouth.

He slips out the most lewd and gracious moans known to man. The emo grips Jakes hair so hard it feels like he is gonna rip it off and forces jakes head down on him. His moans get louder as Jake moves his hand from his dick snd slip it down my pants and boxers and begin to jerk myself himself off at the sight. Fuck, he is so god damn beautiful Jake thinks as he beging bobbing his head faster and jerking off harder. His moaning getting louder and sluttier by the second. Johnnie pulls his head all the way down on him as he whimpers.

Jake feels his throat hurting but it doesn’t matter because he is in so much pleasure and Jake love watching him. Jake can tell he’s on the verge to coming and so is he too. He sucks him as hard as he possible can before he comes down the punks throat. He feels himself orgasm only mere seconds later. Jerking him off through his high while their both seeing stars.

“Shit, that was so good” Jake says panting (what the fuck have I done….). He hums in agreement before they get cleaned and dressed again.

(Sorry that the smut was so fucking bad, I’ve never written something like this before but I felt the need to since 50% of you guys probably are here only for the sex… so I gave it to you guys I guess)

As well as the fact that I originally write this in first person my changed it to third person after u was finished so there are MANY wrongs here sorry

*

Jakes pov:

We’re both lying in my bed, I can’t believe we did that. I sucked off my own best friend, I sucked of Johnnie. What have I done, I just broke up with Tara and before i know it I’m doing sexual stuff with my best friend? And what the hell will I tell our fans if we actually get together? And Tara, she’ll be absolutely pissed. She obviously broke up with me but that doesn’t give me any right to just date someone only days after our breakup.

Johnnie fell asleep about ten minutes ago, he is so fucking pretty as he lays on his back beside me. I can already tell it’s gonna be a lot of tension and awkwardness between us when he wakes up. I lay beside him faced toward his face and kiss his forehead before I put a blanket on top of the smaller boy.

It’s the middle of the day and I decide to go and buy some food at Walmart. I get in my car and feel the burning hot sun as I drive while listening to this cool punk band called Hayeminol. Everything feels so perfect and soothing, that’s what I think before I’m greeted with Tara standing right outside of the store. She glances at me and.. smiles? Why would she smile? I ask myself.

I park the car as I watch her approach me. She looks at me with a loving expression on her face as I make my way out of the vehicle. “Jake” she starts, “I regret my decision, I wanna to get back together.” What… if she asked me yesterday I would probably say yes but… I don’t think I want to anymore.

“I’m sorry Tara, I don’t want to.” I tell her trying to sound as empathetic as I can, though I don’t feel sorry for here at all. In the end she was the one who broke up, not me. She should have thought through her decisions before telling me, she could have at least given it some thought! “What fuck Jake?! You should be wanting me to be your girlfriend!?!” She screams at me, I only feel embarrassed for her screaming in the parking lot. She continues to babble about how she made a mistake and that I should just date her again.

I want to agree with her but I know damn well I’m not getting back together with her after what happened with Johnnie. “I’m sorry Tara, I don’t think I can” i tell her. “What, why? You said you still loved me when I broke up. Is- is it someone else…?” She asks. I couldn’t possibly tell her that I gave my own best friend a blow job and that I might possibly have done the gayest thing ever in my life. As well as falling for him.

“Could we discuss this elsewhere?” I ask since there are quite some people staring, she nods and we walk back to my car. When we’re both in the car she looks at me with this expression that I can’t seem to explain. “In answer to your question; yes, there is someone else.” I say as her face turns into this weird and shocked expression.

I didn’t mean to be this bold but it’s better to be a 100% real than sugar coating the truth. For some reason I feel a bit relieved to have finally told her.

“Who.. who is it?”. Oh- I forgot I had to actually tell her who, or I didn’t forget I just wanted to avoid it. How would I even tell her that my best friend of over three years (let’s act like they have been friends for three years) is the guy I’ve been in love with for the past four months without even realizing it? The guy I just suck off. What the hell have I done…

I look up at her as I say the following words; “Johnnie… Johnnie Guilbert.”. Shit, I told her. She looks confused but mad, I guess she has right to be mad, I was falling in love with my best friend less than two days after she broke up with me. She looked offended by my behavior but I really don’t bother. It’s my life and I chose what it’s gonna be like.

“Oh..” she spoke. She looked surprised, like she couldn’t seem to get angry but really she was absolutely pissed.

*

Tara had already left as I got inside the store and got myself a lunchable as well as one for Johnnie who probably hasn’t eaten anything because of the lack of food in his house. He really does need some serious help I think as I get back in my car.

When I get home Johnnie has already woken up from his nap and is currently in his room, he seems to be streaming so don’t bother him. But then I remember that I brought food for him. “Johnnie?” I say as I knock on his door, “may i come in?” I ask. “Yeah, go ahead” he answers from inside. I open the door and as I thought; he was sitting there streaming. “I brought you some food” I say as I’m feeling a bit awkward as I’m reminded of the past actions we did less than an hour ago.

“Oh… thank you” he looks a bit… scared? For what? I ask myself. “Johnnie, are you okay?” No answer, he stares at the food I brought him before he looks up at me and smiles. “Want to eat together?” I ask him. “No!” He clears his throat “no thank you” he corrects. He seems a bit off I think as I leave his room and close the door behind me.

I sit down in the sofa and turn on the tv as I eat the food. Johnnie seemed a bit weird today but I don’t really care, he has had his episodes where he doesn’t eat but it always seems to get better after some days. I mean, he can’t just not eat? I mean, he could but I don’t think he will? Or will he? Fuck, I need to stop being so negative and cross the bridge when we come to it. (I found that on some random forum so it might be wrong asf but I so bad at English lol)

Chapter Text

Something was off about his behavior? I couldn’t really seem to figure out just what. Of course I had seen him going through difficult stages of his live but then there was always and understandable explanation. This time I had no idea what was going on inside his head, I wish he would talk to me. I guess I could always just go ahead and ask him but I think I would be a bit too anxious to do that. But what of he really needed my help? What if he really isn’t fine?

Fuck, I have to ask him I think as I get up from the couch and make my way to the door of his room. I stand in the hallway for a few seconds just to check if I can hear him. I knock on the door, “Johnnie can I come in?” I ask waiting for an answer. “Yea… sure.”

Huh, weird I think as I grab the door handle and open it. He is sitting in his bed with a blanket over his lower body. “How are you?” I ask him, “I’m fine, why?”. It seems he doesn’t want me to worry, but honestly, him not telling me why makes me even more worried.

“You turned down food, you never turn down food Johnnie. Please I need to know what’s wrong, I can’t afford to lose you. You are my everything. Talk to me Johnnie, please.” I say on the verge of tears. Fuck, keep it in, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

“Oh- I just want to know… what are we? It’s been stressing me out for the past couple of hours, that’s why I turned down the food” Huh? What are we? “What do you want us to be?” I ask him.

“Boyfriends. I want us to be boyfriends.” He says. “Should we maybe keep it down for some time, I don’t think I would want to tell anyone yet. And yes, I want to be boyfriends”. “I agree, I think we should wait and figure out how we feel and then start by telling our friends” he says. “Also, there is a party at Colby’s if you’d like to go?” “Sure” he answers.

*

Tara’s perspective:

TW: VOMIT

I just got to Colby’s party, I’m still a bit surprised about the fact that Jake has a thing with Johnnie. I should have seen it coming. I grab a glass of wine from the bar, I hate the taste of wine but I don’t care, I need to stop thinking.

It’s quite the big party really, most of my friends are here. Normally I love going out but not today, fucking everything goes to hell. Jake doesn’t love me anymore, and here I am, at a party I don’t even want to be at. I begin to skim through the crowd and make my way to what seems to be the bathroom.

I need to breathe for gods sake, I feel as if I’m getting suffocated. I grab the door handle and rip the door open, and there I see, Jake and Johnnie making out. Fuck. Jake is pinning Johnnie to the wall, it hurts, I can’t do this. I slam the door closed, normally when I catch people kissing or whatever at parties I apologize but I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel the need to apologize.

I make my way over to the host of the party, Colby. “I need to go-“ I say as I basically run out of there. I feel tears forming in my eyes. Pain in my chest, everything hurts so, so bad. I feel as if I’m going insane, I need to throw up. I run over to the closest bushes and vomit, not caring that I get it in my hair. Normally Jake would hold my hair but he’s fucking gone. All because I thought I lost feelings for him, all because of my own stupidity.

It feels like nothing makes sense. Everything is blurred, I walk back to the door and grab a bottle of vodka I find on one of the tables and chug the whole thing. I don’t want to feel anything. Everything goes so fast, I can’t think.

I firmly grab the vodka bottle in my hand as I dink down the last bit of alcohol before I smash it on the ground. My mascara is smudging, I begin stepping on it till you can no longer tell what it is. I don’t care that I ruin my shoes, I already ruined fucking everything. I scream, letting out the boiling anger in me.

Chapter Text

Chapter 10: (I’m so sorry for putting Sam in a bad lighting here lol)

What the fuck have I done I think as I sit down till I’m crouching looking at the mess of broken glass. I have to clean this shit up. I put my hands behind my head and lock them together. I stand up and attempt to wipe off the majority of the tears.

I collect myself and walk back into the party. I spot Sam and walk over to him. He is Colby’s best friend and they have managed not to fuck it up after years of being friends. Sam basically knows his whole house by heart and I decide to ask him where the broom is. (sorry that sounds silly but I couldn’t find a better word)

“It’s in the long cabinet over there, why?” He questions. “I just accidentally smashed a vodka bottle, nothing special.” I say trying to sound as calm as possible. I grab the broom and walk as fast as I can back outside before Sam stops me. “Tara, wait” he says “have you been crying?”. He could see it, couldn’t he? I would guess it’s quite obvious, I haven’t looked to see how bad my makeup looks because someone decided to fucking kiss in the bathroom.

“No, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Everything is fucking fine! It’s even PERFECT, everything works out so damn well for me!!” I scream at him, deep breaths, deep. fucking. breathes. Tears are flooding down my face. “Tara please, what is wrong? I’m sure we can figure out a solution.” He says, I know he’s trying to comfort me but I don’t want his help, I don’t want him to feel petty for me. He can just go fuck himself with that perfect best friend.

“It’s gonna be fine, come on, it can’t be that bad. You’re probably just overreacting.” He says. “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!?!” I scream even louder at him than last time. “Calm down Tara. You can talk to me.” He tells me. “I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have screamed at you like that.” “No it’s fine. Just- just tell me what happened?”

“It’s just that everything has been going so shitty lately. Jake isn’t my fucking boyfriend anymore. Neither Jake or Johnnie wants to talk with me, I fucking broke up with him because I thought it was lost feelings even though I didn’t. I fucking messed up everything..” I say. I look up at him wondering what he will answer but instead of saying anything he walks me over to the outdoors sofa and holds me.

I begin crying again because what have I done. “Shhh it’s okay Tara, it’s okay” he says as I hulk “at least you still have me.” He says comforting me. I feel safer in his arms, isolated from everyone and everything that is happening around me. I lay my head on his chest and hear the calming beats of his heart.

*Johnnie’s perspective*

Jake is freaking out, Tara just walked in on us making out and he isn’t exactly taking it well. I can’t blame him, he is probably still sad about their breakup. He isn’t crying but I can tell he’s holding back tears.

“Fuck, this was so fucking stupid. We shouldn’t have done that. Tara is probably crying now because of us. What the fuck was I thinking? We literally said earlier today that we wanted to keep this down and not be too public about it, and my stupid ass decides to pin you to the wall at a public restroom! I didn’t even bother to lock the fucking door. Like why am I this stupid?!” Jake screams.

He isn’t about to cry as i thought earlier but instead it’s like he’s boiling with anger inside of him. Sometimes I wonder if he is the emotional one and not me because he often overthinks shit a LOT. I remind myself I literally look straight out of a MySpace post. I think I’m a bit more emo, as well as the fact I still have fucking scars.

Enough about me, I need to comfort the guy I front of me who turned me. He looks as he’s about to explode on the spot. Jake isn’t good with situations that don’t go his way or aren’t planned like he intended.

“Jake. It’s going to be fine i promise!” I say as I hug him tightly.

End of chapter ten!! So in the following chapters I’m gonna try and make this work and kind of smush it together so it makes sense. I hope you liked the angst. Stay tuned for the next one, I’m hoping to get a chapter out in the start of next month or the end of this month. Bye, bye, stay safe and have a nice purrey (idk wtf that was but I tried to make it cling or whatever)

Chapter Text

I continue hugging him tightly as he silently cry’s, bringing his arms around my body, returning the hug. He sits down on the toilet beside him so that I am taller than him. He lays his head on my shoulder. I feel his cold tears on my chest.

Everything has been falling apart recently.

I feel like nothing makes sense, I don’t really get it to be honest but it’s fine. Sometimes I wish everything would go back to normal. Not that I don’t want to be dating Jake and all that but I miss when we were just friends and no hard feelings. I can’t even bring myself to fucking eat. It’s getting worse every day.

I start crying with him. We are both a hulking mess gripping onto each other for some sort of support. Trying to feel some sense in what is happening. We can’t loose Tara. I hold onto him for dear life, gripping his shirt, his hair, holding his neck.

I feel every emotion go through me in the matter of a few seconds. Crying, I hold him as tight as possible, hulking. He holds me, I feel so out of place but so safe.

(I blame YOU for making this so angsty, you know who you are. You told me you were subscribed so you better not be lying. I expect you to comment and tell me this is fucking awesome because it is.)

Gripping and holding on as hard as possible, not in a romantic but more of a way of attempting to breathe. I feel suffocated in my own skin, wanting it to end. I want it all to end, please, please, please.

I need to breathe, I can’t. The walls are getting closer. The room darker. Closer. Darker. Less air. Fuck, I can’t breathe. The walls are so close now. Everything is circling. Spinning. Flicking lights. No air. Hyperventilating. Stuck, I feel as I’m made of stone. Closer, darker. Please end, please.

The whole world is spinning. I feel as if I’m going to faint. Please stop. Please, please, please. I need air. Fuck, make it stop, please.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I whisper, repeated it over and over.

“Hey” huh “breathe Johnnie, I’m here for you” Jake says. I snap back to reality. Reality doesn’t feel any better than the walls getting closer. The room gets lighter, warmer, no flicking lights.

(Sorry for the short chapter but I felt like it was appropriate to end it there)

Also, quick notice: I’m reposting this on wattpad because why not. So if you find it there, it’s not stolen. Just me reposting it

Chapter Text

I’m sorry to anybody who thought it was an update buuuut I JUST ORDERED THE JOHNNIE GUILBERT ZOMBIE PLUSHIE AND IM SO EXCITED EVEN THOUGH IT DOESNT ARRIVE TILL JULY!! AND I ALREADY HAVE THE TINAS TEE AND AMERICAS FAVORITE LADIES TEE!!! I FEEL SO LUCKY OMG!!!! YIPPEEE XD

Jessie ate some beans, he was happy, happy, happy!!!! :D

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Chapter Text

Chapter 12: (Tara’s perspective)

I finally got home from that shitty party. Still I feel as if I’m going to die. It’s already the next morning and I feel the regret coming back. The screaming, the panicking and so on. Obviously I wasn’t sober and I was stupid. I don’t have anyone to talk to you know.

Even though I have an awful headache I have to numb the pain somehow, not only the physical pain, but also the mental pain. I need to stop thinking. Even if I’m hangover I need to get drunk again. I check the clock only to see that it’s 7 pm. It’s way too early to go to a bar or party but I don’t care. I need some alcohol in my fucking veins.

I get out of my clothes and change into a bit more of a chill outfit. Normally when I go out I want to look good but now I look really bad, just as bad as my life is. I’m still really hangover but fuck it. I walk outside and jump into my pink car.

As I drive fast to this random bar in town I see Jake and Johnnie on the street? Holding hands. Fuck. I drive past them trying not to look at them.

I feel my heart pounding. It feels all empty. Isn’t it funny how we all say that love is in the heart when it clearly is your brain. Right now my brain feels like a hot fucking mess. It’s like one big database, but I just got hacked and everything is being taken apart, very, very slowly but painfully… and now, now it’s rotting. It feels like literal rats are running freely in my head. Ripping every fucking cable there is.

(Tara’s swearing a lot right now, take a god damn chill pill lmao)

Even though I’ve already seen them kiss this still hurts. I spotted the bar, it’s a 24/7 open bar thing in the middle of the town. For some reason I’ve never been there. Probably because it’s full of creeps and crackheads and the fact that I’ve never felt the need to drink at 7 pm.

I park my car and open the door. I make my way to the bar. I sit down. “Could I have five shots of vodka?” I ask the shady guy in front of me. He nods and grabs five shot glasses and fills them all to the rim. He cheerily smiles at me before walking away.

I stare at the shots glasses in front of me. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I grab the first shot and force it down my throat. It hurts. I feel the alcohol running down my throat, into my blood, my veins. One shot isn’t enough to make me stop thinking.

I grab the shot number two, then number three, and the next. Before I know it, five new shots are in front of me. My heart is pounding. My throat burning. I drown the next shots.

And suddenly.

Everything goes silent.

A guy sits beside me now, I didn’t even notice him. He puts a hand on my thigh.

Fuck.

Everything happened so fast. Suddenly I am pinned to the wall. Making out with a stranger. He pushes me into the closest empty room and unbuckles his belt on the way.

He forces me down on my knees. He pulls his fly down. Forces me onto him. I feel tears folding in my eyes. Dripping down my face. “You’re such a slut” he says. I feel so dirty. My throat hurts. He’s too strong, I can’t stop him. He cums in my mouth.

He drags me onto the red sofa beside us. Pushes me hard so I fall down on the couch. He drags my pants down. Takes off my underwear. I try to stop him but I can’t get a single word out. He takes off all my clothes, I feel so exposed. Naked. I feel tears pricking in my eyes.

He rams his cock into me. It hurts so bad. It hurts, it hurts. Stop, please. Stop, stop, stop. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

“Whore”. STOP, STOP. Please. Stop.

Chapter Text

So this will be the updating schedule:

Chapter: Date:

13. 15th of April✅
14. 05th of May✅
15. 27th of may. 🛑CANCELED!!🛑
16. 12th of June✅(Also slightly moved)
17. 25th of June✅
18. 12th of July

So I’ll be taking a 25 day break now to prepare some of the future chapters so it’s not too stressful. I know it’s a long time to wait for a short chapter but I hope you guys understand. The schedule might change but this is what it looks like for now.

Chapter Text

So again this is not a chapter. You guys will probably notice that future chapters will be shorter than normal because I just found out my grandpa who has been sick for the past five years will soon have the end of his life and I’ve been quite sad about this. The schedule will still remain the way it is but the chapters might be short. Sorry.

Also, I have no idea what should happen next but who cares lmao

Update: I know one one cares but he passed a week ago

Chapter Text

IM CHANGING THE NAME OF THIS FIC!!!!

so honestly I don’t feel as if relapse describes this so imma change it into “men’s first flowers are at their funeral”

And no, no one’s gonna die bc I want a happy ending, also I’m thinking of starting a one shot but I feel like I’m not that good at writing,

Anyways. The next chapter is so soon and I’ll be changing the name of this fic when the next chapter is posted.

Yippeeee

Update: never mind, I ain’t gonna change it

Chapter Text

I remember everything vividly from that day. The way I stood in the shower for an hour. Scrubbing so hard i felt like my skin would fall off. I kept getting reminded of his words. The way he called me a whore. I scrubbed till I was bleeding. At that moment, I did feel like a fucking whore.

It’s already been three days since it happened but it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve been feeling light shivers ever since. Showered five times every day, still feeling just as dirty.

*

(Jake’s perspective:)

Me and Johnnie just started on this new movie. It’s quite fun actually. I notice my phone is calling. “Tara” it says. I wonder whether I should answer it not.

“Hello?” I answer. I hear crying from the other side. “If you’re trying to get back with me it’s not gonna happen.” “No, no” she sobs out. She clears her throat before continuing.

“Um, so I went out today. This morning. I- uh- went to that shabby place in town. And um- this guy he- he…”

“He what Tara?” I ask.

“He… raped me, and- and he touched me.” she says as she breaks down in tears. As she’s crying I feel a tear dripping down my face too. “Do you want me and Johnnie to come over?” I ask. “Yeah, that- that would be nice. If Johnnie’s okay with it?”

“Alright, I’ll pick up some food on the way.” I tell her before hanging up. “What was that?” Johnnie asks me. “Someone… he raped Tara.” “Oh…” he says.

He agrees to join me. We drive to the closest mc Donald’s and order some food for both me and Tara since Johnnie said he’d already eaten. (More hints of an eating disorder, JAKE PICK IT UP NOW. YOUR POOKIE BEAR BO BOO IS SUFFERING RN AND YOU DONT EVEN NOTICE WTFFFF)

After a ten minute drive we are finally outside of Tara’s house. I quickly open the car door and run to the door of her house. I rip it open and sprint to her bedroom. I am met with Tara sitting crumpled up in her bathrobe. Newly showered.

Her skin lightly bleeding. Hand marks all over her body. I sit down beside her and bring an arm around her. She lays her head on my shoulder and cries silently.

I look at her thighs that are ever so slightly showing and aren’t covered by her bathrobe. Her thighs are covered in small, little rips and scars. Her hand meet mine, they are dry because of what seems like her scrubbing the shit out of her skin.

I hear Johnnie coming in through the door and close it behind him. He walks fast over to the two of us. His eyes slightly teary, he puts the food down on the table and puts a hand on Tara’s shoulder before hugging her tightly, making so that she is squeezed between the two of us.

“I- I’m sorry.” I say. “You didn’t deserve that.” I say as Johnnie lays his head on her back. It’s nearly turned into a triple cuddling session. “No Jake, it was my fault. I decided to go out and get way too drunk.”. No, it wasn’t her fault. I grip her tight.

“Tara, that’s- that’s not true.” Johnnie says. “You weren’t yourself. It’s never the victims fault.” He adds. At this moment I couldn’t agree more but I just slightly nod. He is such a sweet soul and it feels like I’m falling in love with him all over again. She hulks onto my shoulder.

*
(Tara’s perspective)

It’s been three days since it happened. Jake and Johnnie have been staying over every day since I’ve called, don’t get me wrong, I love that they took their time to be here with me but I wish that it never happened.

No matter what we talk about there’s always this underlying feeling. No matter what we talk about, what I read, what I see I always get reminded of the pain. The way he touched me. Everything reminds me of me of one small moment.

It’s kind of like the moments before my grandpa died. My mom tried peppering it with colors and happy things, but even with the hundreds of vibrant colors I still was reminded of one single thing. Behind every pink and colorful surface there was a black feeling of emptiness and guilt.(Me rn)

I remember feel certainly empty when he couldn’t remember my name or who I was.

And now, every time Jake or Johnnie brought it up I felt the same tightness in my chest. The light shivers down my back. The constant reminders of the pain. Because no pep talk or deep conversation could make me forget for just one second how much it hurts. Every single fucking night I’ve cried myself to sleep. Every fucking day, night and morning.

Never any rest from the big hurting emptiness. The way every breath I took felt sharp but lifeless. No matter how big the smile on my face is or how loud I laugh I never feel the way I did.

Chapter Text

So I’d like to say a big thank you to pawccilla for being so kind and beta reading my fic. So shout out to her, go read all her fics!! And remember, next chapter on 05th!

Chapter Text

So this is again not a chapter!! But I just had to cancel the 27th of may update because I genuinely don’t have time this month as I’m very busy with school and such. The next chapter will still be on the 5th just as planned. It’s quite long so please enjoy that. Also again a thanks to my awesome beta reader Pawccilla!!

Chapter Text

The fans have gotten a bit angry at all of us because we haven’t been posting for the past who knows how long. I think it’s been maybe two to three weeks. I don’t know anymore. We all have things to address.

We have all talked about it, we have decided that we will keep what happens to me a secret but tell them something happens to me without hinting that it’s rape. As with Jake and Johnnie, they want to tell friends and family first before telling the whole internet.

*
Jake’s perspective:

Me and Johnnie have been together for maybe a week now, a lot of kissing. We haven’t taken it any further and we’ve both agreed to keep it casual and we’ll try telling everyone at this small outdoor friend gathering. It’s only Tara, Larry, the triplets, Colby and Sam. And us of course.

It’s really no biggie since all of our friends would accept us for who we are.

We all jump in my car, a Tesla to be exact. Not too punk from my side. We arrive at the gathering and are met with quite a few questions. Like why we haven’t posted in so long, why me and Tara aren’t dating anymore, and what we have been doing. We still haven’t mentioned that me and Johnnie are dating but we’ll take it later tonight, right now we just want to have some fun.

“Who would like some driiinkssss??!!” Larry shouts from across us. “ME!” We all scream in sync, but not Tara. Everyone’s a bit flabbergasted by the fact that Tara just said no to a drink, except for me and Johnnie, because we know why. “Are you sure the queen of parties doesn’t want just a little drink?” She shakes her head. “Come on, don’t- don’t be a loser,” Matt adds. (Florida project reference)

She shakes her head once again trying to avoid topic it seems. I watch her look away as a tear travels down her chin.

Time skips (120 minutes)

I tightly grip Johnnie’s hand before I say “I and Johnnie are dating”. I look up at him, he smiles softly at me with that cute smile. I smile back at him before I bring my lips to meet his. We smile into the kiss. And for the first time since me and Tara were dating I finally felt at peace. Everything goes quiet.

I hear cheering from the others in the background. Our lips part and our hands intertwine. I tighten my grip as we both look up at the same time. Honestly, it was a bit of a cringe moment, but for me, it felt so perfect. And even if we still had a lot to figure out, it was fine, because we will be doing it together (or will they? I have a big wanting to sabotage the fuck out of this).

After a few hours we are all fairly drunk, but thankfully Tara can drive us home since she hasn’t had anything to drink. Obviously, she can have fun without alcohol but I think the others have noticed there’s something off about her. I throw my keys to her and she sits behind the wheel.

She drives us home and I think about how awesome the night was. We came out to our friends, we had fun and now we can get home and just be together. I look at Johnnie before I glue my eyes to the window, the way the wind blows in the trees. I smile at myself and watch as we move further and further from the party. We go through the tunnel before I see the light at the end.

When we are fully out of the tunnel I open the ceiling window and stand up in the car, I drag Johnnie up with me as we scream. I feel the warm spring air hit my face and slick my hair back. “I FEEL SO FREE!!!” Johnnie screams. “I LOVE YOU JOHNNIE, I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!” I shout. “ I LOVE YOU TOO JAKE, IM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU’RE FUCKING AWESOME!!”

And before we know it we get an 800$ fine, but damn was it worth it.

*

“Men’s first flowers are at their funeral” (don’t ask)

We get home and our hands are all over each other. We end up in my bed. Roaming along every part I’m allowed to touch. I drag my hand along his as our lips meet in a deep kiss. I laugh at him as our gazes meet. I chuckle before I unbuckle my belt. I rip off my jeans as well as his.

[I want to hold you close, skin pressed against me tight]

I grind against him. Shit. “Um- Jake?” I stop. “What is it?” I ask as I take my hands off him. “It’s just… I’ve never done this before.” He says shyly, covering his face with the sleeve of his sweater. I chuckle at him. “W- what?” “You’re cute. And for the record, I haven’t either.” I assure him.
(I’m so single it’s not even funny, never been in love, never had a crush, never had sex, never kissed, never had someone like my music taste, I’m a real fucking loser virgin👍🏻 jeez I sound like some kind of incel now wtf)

[lie still, close your eyes boy]

Our lips meet again. I feel warm tingles go through my body. He holds onto my neck bringing me as close as he can. I take my lips off his and breathe heavily, I pepper kisses down his neck, leaving red marks and hickeys. I feel suffocated in the best way possible, I lightly suck on his nipples. He buckles his hips against mine as he whimpers (imma go vomit real quick). I grab his other nipple and caress his hips with my free hand.

[so lovely, it feels so right]

I make my way up to his face again as I drag my hands along his chest to his thighs as I tease him. “Jake please,” he says “What? I need you to tell me” I ask knowing damn well what he wants. “Please Jake, touch me.” (Vomited again) Shit, my stomach fills with butterflies at his words. “I want to hold you close”

[soft breath, beating heart]

I carefully palm him through his boxers. He whines and I take it as a hint to take them off. “May I?” I say as I bring my hand closer to his length. I caress his thighs and look him in the eyes waiting for an answer. He shyly looks away turning his head against the white pillow beside him as he nods. “Words baby” I whisper as he shudders “Yes Jake, just fucking do something”

[as I whisper in your ear]
“I wanna fucking tear you apart”

As I begin to stroke his hard shaft small whimpers and low ‘fuck’s slip out of his petite lips. “This won’t hurt I promise,” I say as I take my hand off his length and bring two fingers to his mouth. «Suck,» I demand. He looks at me as I lay over him. He takes the two fingers in front of him into his mouth and gently sucks, lathering them in his spit. He glimpses at me as he sucks harder, making him look sexier than ever.

I drag my fingers out before moving them to his entrance. He moans as I push them in. I smile as his back arches, pushing both of my fingers all the way in. Looking for that sweet spot (Vomited again). As I push further in I finally find that textured spot, pressing it carefully making him whimper.

“Justfuckme.” Johnnie says in one continuous breath. “Be patient baby,” I say even though I’m gonna fulfill his wish in the following minutes. I begin to thrust my fingers in and out of his tight hole (ew), I scissor my index and my middle finger. Continuing thrusting, hitting right on his prostate. I look at the moaning mess underneath me as I slightly smile at my work.

When I’m finally done with stretching him out I take off my boxers, slide on a condom, pour on some lube, and line myself up with him. I carefully insert the tip earning a groan from my own lips. I shove my whole length in him as he shakes out of pleasure. He wraps a hand around my neck bringing me closer as he uses his other hand to tightly grip the white sheets. I stay still while he adjusts.

“Ngh-“ slips out as I thrust hard into him, dragging my length all the way out before slamming back in. He lets out continuous long moans as he throws his head back. I thrust in and out making all kinds of lewd noises coming out of him.

I groan when I hit a particularly deep spot, making his stomach bulge (uh…ew).

“Fuck- Jake. You- ngh- ah.. feel so good.” He breathes out. I groan at his voice, fucking him harder than before, making him close his eyes out of pleasure. “You’re doing such a good job,” I say keeping my eyes on him. He looks up at me as he smiles before his mouth opens again to let out a whimper.

We continue this act for quite a while. I feel my thrusts getting sloppy and more difficult as everything is so sensitive. “Jake- ah- fuck, I’m so close.” He moans. I thrust harder to try and get him over the edge as I also felt myself getting closer.

“Please don’t stop, please.” He begs. “I won’t baby, I promise.” I ensure him.

I grab his dick in my hand, jerking him off as I continue sloppily thrusting into him. After less than a few seconds, he comes with a big sigh. I follow right after him coming hard in the condom.

I slip out and collapse beside him. Both of us breathing heavily. “Fuck Jake, I didn’t know sex could feel that good.” I hum in response.

We clean up and cuddle ourselves to sleep, not knowing the horror that would come tomorrow.

Chapter Text

For some reason when I wake up Jake isn’t beside me. I don’t think much of it until I hear him maniacally talking to Tara on the phone. I could tell it wasn’t about Tara, it was Jake who was stressed. Talking his ass off, being worried about who knows what. Jake is normally a stressed person, small incidents and he’s crying on the floor like a baby.

I sit up in the bed, grab my phone and open twitter. I see that I and Jake are trending? What the fuck.

The first thing I’m met with is a video of Jake and I (thanks mixi). I play it as I see we are at the friend gathering that was last night? Not a lot happening really. But then, I realize.

It was when we told them. When we held hands, kissed and told them. It wasn’t happening. No, fuck. It couldn’t be true!

Why would someone even do that in the first place. No question why we were trending on Twitter. I had been tagged millions of times on TikTok, insta and so on. People were starting threads on Reddit.

I scroll through some of the tweets.

“I knew Johnnie was a fag”
“It was so fucking obvious”
“Ew, I can’t believe Jake agreed to do that”
“Fucking faggot”

The list went on. The comments get worse and worse. My notifications were getting many it was never stopping. I couldn’t believe someone would do that. My brain felt like it was being torn apart. Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

What if Jake doesn’t want me after this. What if this is all we will ever be. My mom didn’t even know I was gay. My heart was beating faster. My head hurt.

I can’t loose Jake.

I can’t loose him.

I would be hopeless.

Jake was the only thing keeping me alive. If he left… I couldn’t even think about it. It hurt so bad. (Jeez this took a dark turn, it will only get worse after this you guys, I’m warning you<3)

I wanted my happy ending. Of course I did. Who doesn’t? But maybe my happy ending wasn’t as close as I thought.

Jake’s perspective(yay!… or not, idk, look at it the way you’d like…):

I had panicked so bad I had to get Tara. I called her hoping she could help me. I don’t really know what I was thinking. She couldn’t do anything about it.

I don’t think I can keep being Johnnie’s boyfriend after this. I don’t think this will work out (I’m so sorry guys). I had to break up with him.

<\3

Chapter Text

Jake’s perspective (still):

I knew I had to break up with Johnnie even though we hadn’t been together for long. I felt a tear run down my face at the thought. My eyes filled with water, making my vision blur (I love Blur, basic I know but they are bangers). I couldn’t believe I was going to break up with him. Our whole friendship would shatter in seconds. But at the same time, I knew I couldn’t handle the hate from our relationship. I wasn’t ready for people to know.

My heart ached and I wanted to rip it out. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I had never felt this way before. Fuck. It was even worse than breaking up with Tara. Because this time I was the one saying the words. This time I had to make someone else feel empty.

It felt surreal. At least I had nothing left to lose. Not that it was much comfort. It only made me feel worse. There was absolutely nothing positive about the situation I was put in.

How did I always mess up everything?

Johnnie’s perspective:

I could hear Jake’s footsteps getting closer to the bedroom door. They were silent and careful. Each step sounded like feathers hitting the ground, a nail falling from the table. Everything was so silent, yet so loud. He took another step. I was scared. Another step. I felt my eyes tear up.

Another step.

And another.

I felt a tear run down my face, I was scared. My hands were getting sweaty. I wasn’t scared of him, I fucking loved that guy with all I know. I was scared of what he would do.

One last step.

I heard him stop.

His fist to the handle.

I felt my breathing getting heavy. My hands clenched around the sheets.

A screeching noise as he pulled the handle down. Slowly opening the door. Something the once make me so happy, was now what made me scared. I knew he would never become friends with me again.

The door opens.

I stare into his dark brown eyes.

He stares into mine.

We say nothing but so much. Just eye contact says more than a million words.

I don’t know what to say. I guess he doesn’t either because he just stands there, staring at me. Hoping that maybe, just maybe life could go our way for once, but I remember we aren’t in some fairytale.

We aren’t assigned with a happy ending, no one is.

We stare at each other. He’s so close, but so far away. He’s miles away. Lost in the distance. The fog made it hard for me to see him. He’s right here, but I know he isn’t.

This is it.

I want to hold him by my side. I want to save us.

My eyes fill up with tears. I can’t see him anymore. I can’t. I never will.

When I wipe my tears he’s gone. (metaphors yall, he’s actually already left Johnnie if u didn’t get it)

It’s been so long. I haven’t seen him in soon to be a year. 319 days. 7656 hours since I last saw him, the last time I spoke to him. Even if he wasn’t dead it felt like he was.

459,360 seconds since I’ve seen him.

The clock in my room ticking.

Tick tick tick.

(Jeez this got dark fast..)

I would never see him again.

I would never see his hazel-brown eyes again. His tatted body. The way he had small spikes in his hair. How he always smiled when he saw me, how he stimmed when he was happy. The way his dimples showed when he smiled with his teeth. How anything that looked like it could give him diabetes made him hungry after it. The way he didn’t care if I couldn’t pronounce my g’s.

It was almost like he was dead.

Tick tick tick.

And now everything about him only made me cry.

I had even taken a break from one of the few things that used to save me, I had quit YouTube for a while becoming I just couldn’t handle the camera in front of me without literally bawling my eyes out. The little red light on the black square. What once was an escape was now a prison.

Tick tick tick.

I knew I was wasting my time, I knew this wasn’t good for me, but when I tried to do anything I used to enjoy it just felt different. Everything just was different in a way.

Nothing felt the same anymore.

I couldn’t write music the way I used to. The lyrics wouldn’t come to me.

My hobbies were slowly slipping away from me. They no longer gave me any joy. Just pain, anger.

I didn’t know what to do without him.

Tick tick tick.

Chapter Text

Chapter 17:

Jake’s perspective:

I’ve been trying to date again, but I haven’t found anyone I like. I believe I’m over Johnnie, I should be, it’s been so long. I am over him. I definitely am.

I’m going on a date with this guy, his name is Thomas (the train lol). He’s about three inches shorter than me. Somehow curly hair. Quite the average guy, but he seems cool. Maybe this once it could work?

He’s a few years older than me, he has dark blue eyes, a few ear piercings and maybe ten tattoos, and I met him on some dating site. While I usually wouldn’t use one of those I was just so desperate at the time.

It felt weird not to have Johnnie in my life, but I knew it was for the better. Honestly I don’t think I could take the internet knowing while we were together too. I didn’t miss it. I was just… thinking about it.

I had been thinking about it for longer than I’d like to admit. He was still a person of who made me, me, but he was gone, I said it wouldn’t work out so it doesn’t. I was the one who cut him off, and I’m over it.

I get out of my trance as I hear the doorbell ring. I open the door and I’m met by Thomas, he was in shape, more than id like him to be, maybe if he was a little smaller? I’m not sure.

His looks are quite convincing, he’s definitely attractive on the outside. Hopefully he is on the inside too.

“Should we go?” He asks. I nod and follow him, we jump in his car, quite the shitty car, he also can’t drive at all. He drives at the red lights, forgets to use the light when he’s taking turns and it’s honestly pissing me off.

He takes a right even though he just signaled with the lights that he’s going to the left. This fucking man can’t drive. We finally get to our destination after a bulky ride. It’s not much, he had said he didn’t like it “too fancy”. We were sat down at some random restaurant Thomas had apparently just discovered. The chairs are very uncomfortable. As I grab the napkin in front of me to put on my lap, he just scrunches his up and lays it down in the edge of the table.

He grabs the water can and pour a generous amount of water into his own glass before mine. The water pouring down, it feels as if it’s never going to end. Thomas sets the mug down at its original location, making me have to grab it myself.

I look up at him, he gives a weak smile. He seems like a douche, but I have to at least give him a chance.

“What would you two like to eat?” The servant asks. “Uhm, id like a…” I look down at the menu. “He’d like a salad, can’t get too fat. Gotta get em’ muscles in shape! Haha” he finishes me, laughing at his own words.

“Yeah, a salads fine I guess” I awkwardly told him. I chuckle slightly, trying not to make this absolutely dreadful (oh dear that bloody bad. Oh no it’s pouring dogs and cats would thy like to come inside of my lovely house. Would thy like a cup of tea my dear?)

Our food arrives, mine a salad, with lots of greens and fresh tomato’s. While his a greasy burger. He brings the burger to his mouth and eats a handful, chewing loudly. “So… whatcha” he chews “whatcha mthink?” He says his words muffles by the food pooled up in his mouth. “Oh yeah, the salad is good.” I say as I bring my fork down to the greens. It’s quite an okay meal really, other than the fact that I didn’t even order that.

“Tfstsgood” he says through the food. “Do you enjoy music?” I ask, trying to start some conversation. “Imnot rehlly into tmthat.”

God this date was absolutely horrendous.

Chapter Text

Don’t worry you guys, this fic won’t stop any time soon, I’m just busy these next days! Here’s an updated schedule:

Chapter 18: 25th of July✅(I know it’s long away but bear with it)
Chapter 19: 15th of August
Chapter 20: 29th of August
Chanpter 21: 20th of September

Chapter Text

So this isn’t a chapter but it’s on its way and it’s finished too!! I just wanted to thank yall all for actually taking your time to read this, which is absolutely crazy to me- like what do you mean people are actually looked up to me- a sad little teenager. It’s really cool and my English grade has actually gotten better after I started writing and reading more on this site haha. So yeah, I just wanted to say I am really really really thankful for all the support. Every comment makes me smile. Have an amazing day!! Also the next chapter is gonna be very angsty!!😽

Chapter Text

Chapter 18:

I let him take me home with him. Nothing mattered, there was nothing to lose, everything was already lost. He pushed me onto the bed. He was such an asshole.

He took off all his clothes, threw them onto his dirty floor, where all his other clothes laid. His dick standing up straight.

It wouldn’t be rape because I let him do it.

(That lowkey hurt, like that sentence bro…)

I let him undress me, I let him touch me, I let him ram his cock into me.

It hurt, but it was nice to feel something.

I wanted to feel something, even if I felt both guilty and awful. It hurt so bad, it stung, he just rammed into me with no intention of my pleasure.

Everything hurt, my eyes felt as if they were bleeding. Red and swollen, puffy and holding back tears. Not only my eyes, my heart and chest hurt too. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to feel good. I tried to imagine it was Johnnie.

For some reason it nearly felt good when I imagined it was Johnnie.

Fuck, why was i imagining Johnnie, I was over him, I am over him.

Third person(kind of just a sad little thing): BIG TW-NOT FOR THE WEAK

“How you doing little Tony?”

“Bad”

“Why do you feel bad?”

“Because everything’s been falling apart and I can’t do anything about it”

-oakwood

🛑I just wanted to say I do not recommend reading this chapter if you have experienced following/attempted and is sensitive about it: self harm, loss of people(both actually dead and just lost), pills and suicide and suicidal thoughts/ tendencies.🛑 (why is this chapter so me right no tbh)

When one is separated from a loved person, you might become someone you aren’t. Someone who you would have despised, is the one you have become. You become who you hate, you come to hate yourself. Those who already had a hatred against themselves will only get stronger when you hate yourself for your own actions.

You come to build a stronger hatred against not only yourself, but also those you are surrounded with. Those who you used to have as a friend or family suddenly become enemies in your brain. They become someone you can’t stand.

You seek the feeling you had, you seek what you had. You get a need for something you have lost, something you know is lost. You overcome this- or at least attempt to- by isolating yourself and- or doing things you would have never thought about doing before now. Some might even come to harm themselves, whether it’s physically or mentally, everyone harms themselves in some way.
(It’s starting to sound like I’m not okay lmao)

What once gave you comfort, only gives you pain, or in some cases; absolutely nothing. A thing you used as an escape mechanism just won’t comfort you anymore, you don’t feel the same security as you used to feel. A comfort show will never feel the same. Loss is something we can’t control; just like most things in life.

You come to realize you can’t control your life, so instead of trying to hold onto the things you have left you try to control the things you can. Suffering. Making yourself feel pain or not eating at all for periods of time- excusing it as an ‘diet’.

Some people don’t isolate themselves- instead they numb the pain by doing things they normally would have never thought about doing. Maybe using others for pleasure to try their hardest to numb their feelings and mind.

You try to harm yourself in every way possible. Some take pills or drink till they black out- to calm yourself- to stop feeling. Maybe to stop feeling guilty- or just to stop feeling anything at all.

Sometimes it’s nice not to feel anything. Even if you feel an overwhelming amount of guilt, pain and sadness afterwards. Some might even go as far as just… ending it.

While this wasn’t the situation of neither Jake or Johnnie, both of them did most of the following above. Johnnie isolating himself, bringing himself pain in multiple different ways, and coming to hate not only himself but also those he was around.

Jake didn’t isolate himself- he did quite the opposite actually- he forced himself to forget by sleeping with random people, attempting to numb the pain with pleasure. He tried keeping his bond with people, but most just fell apart because they couldn’t handle how fake he felt- which was stupid since Jake was the person who probably needed them the most. It was different for those who surrounded themselves with him. He was wasn’t the fun person he used to be.

A person who loses, often makes what makes them into the person they are- into what people hate about them. If they are originally an outgoing person they will now become a person who needs to be with someone all the time, even if this person is an absolute asshole and doesn’t care one bit about them, but at that moment, most people don’t really care.

Tara had also done this- not out of loss, but because of the aftermath of being raped. It was worse than she had ever admitted to anyone. While it was many months since it happened she still had dreams about and, waking up cold and sweaty. Feeling like it was entirely her own fault. (Guys what the fuck am I doing with my life, it’s eight pm and I’m just sitting in my bed on the verge of tears writing a fanfic)

You might never tell anyone about your problems before it’s too late because you wouldn’t want to irritate others with your own thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it can feel nice not to tell others- just to suffer in silence.

Everyone deals with pain in different ways, when you were a child- pain was so much easier. All that needed to be done was a little bandage on the wound and it would all be okay. Being an adult- or even a teenager was so much more difficult than you thought. The pressure was on you, everyone excepts a certain amount of responsibility- things you are supposed to ‘fix’.

Some can’t handle it anymore. It all becomes so much. The three had thought about killing themselves at least once- maybe even multiple times. Neither one of them had gone through with it though. Johnnie had attempted once- unsuccessfully.

You sink so far you don’t know how the sun is supposed to feel on your skin anymore. You can only imagine how warm your skin would feel. The yellow shine on your arms. You forget how it feels to breathe properly- how it feels not to be suffocating. It’s like being choked- maybe even worse. You can only imagine the way it is to be free.

You might want to disappear forever. Running away and escaping what makes you feel so worthless.

You start to wonder; am I sinking or am I swimming?

Chapter Text

Guys so I’ve said I will change it because but I am for real doing it now. I’ll give yall a quick warning so the fic will change name in 7 days. I will change it to “Dig a hole and bury pain”!! I felt as if relapse wasn’t fitting as it just described the first few chapters so that’s why it’s being changed!! Also the proof reader has been changed from pawcilla to Jaz (wattpad user is dillfy0) super grateful for both my old and new proof reader so big thanks to them

Chapter Text

So the next chapter was actually supposed to come today.. but guess who got too lazy and has written very little hehe. Well I’m pushing it out on the 25th instead! I’m starting school in four days so wish me luck lmao😰 have a nice day🫶🏻 new chapter will come before you know it💕

Sorry for the delay🙏🏻💀

Chapter Text

Chapter 19🖤 (it’s crazy that I’ve written this many chapters, we are nearly at 20 wtf):

Note: sorry that this chapter is a little boring!! I just want to get some character development I guess? Well have fun(?), even tho this chapter isn’t exactly very fun…
So everyone’s probably wondering, will these two men ever have a happy ending? That depends…
You’ll just have to see.

Jake’s perspective:

What the fuck have I done. I wake up in an unknown guys house. I remember faintly what I did last night, went to a bar, went home with him… and well, slept with him. It was stupid I know, but it felt right, even though it was so wrong and awful minding the fact I was still thinking about Johnnie.

It was hideous acting like this. It was nearly a year since we had last met.

Tara’s perspective:

It has been a long time since I’ve seen Johnnie, or Jake in that case. After the whole drama we had all taken a break from youtube. I haven’t spoken about it to my fans yet. I think it has been two months maybe, no one knew about the rape, nor the breakup, if you could even call it that considering the short time they spent together as a couple.

I kinda knew I had to tell my fans soon, they were making assumptions and spreading rumors. Some were near hideous to read, like I was kidnapped. Sometimes it felt like I was kidnapped, I hadn’t done what I loved for two whole months. My friends were worried too.

As I mentioned no one knew about the things going on in my head. The weird and twisted memories. Every time I closed my eyes, I used to see black- see absolutely nothing- now… now I see him. I feel him on my body. I used to be able to see him clearly, I used to remember his features, what he was wearing, now I only see a shadow of the man. He is a cloud of bad memories and a gut wrenching feeling.

I found myself crying when looking at myself. All the bruises were gone now. But I still remember how it felt, so damn vividly. I feel him on me. It’s more like he is haunting me. A ghost I can never seem to get rid of.

Actually, maybe it wasn’t a feeling at all. It was more of an emptiness.

Jakes perspective again:

I had to get out of this strangers house, I didn’t know him, and he most definitely didn’t know me. Sometimes I wondered if I even knew who I was after all the shit that had happened.

I ran out of the room, he was still laying in the bed. I didn’t even bother to write a note, I just left as it is. Leaving him there, just like I had left Johnnie nearly a year ago. It was weird, I still hadn’t fully understood it yet. It felt fake, like a fake reality.

I grabbed my coat and got out of his house, I heard a muffle from inside his room. I slightly stopped, looked back, he said something but I couldn’t understand what. Neither did I fucking care. I walked back to the door, opened it and left.

As I ran down the stairs of the apartment I felt my head spin, I was so hung over.

I was quite relieved to get out of that place. Now all I can hope for is for me to get better (modern baseball refrence).

I was hungry, I hadn’t eaten since last night. I had to get some food. My car was still parked outside so it was no problem just to drive to a restaurant. I drove out on the road and looked for a restaurant. I spotted some kind of okay looking place. I drove in and parked the car outside. I hadn’t even realized it was actually afternoon. I had woken up quite late at that guys place.

As I step out of the car I skim over the menu that hangs on the side of the door. Nothing outside of the ordinary. As long as it’s edible I guess.

I walk inside, looking down at the ground. The restaurant has a dark atmosphere, not a lot of light. Some people in here. The walls are brown, floor i a wine red color.

People speaking quietly, some sitting by themselves, others with a friend. There’s some music playing in the back, very silently. I sit down at a table, I can see most of the people here that way.

I look down at my phone, ‘17:00’(5pm for y’all Americans). No new notifications. Not surprised really.

“Sir, what would you like to order?” I hear coming from above me. The lady looks down at me with a smile. “Uh, i think I’ll take…” I say as I look down at the menu. “The burger with extra cheese,” I politely say.

“Great, would you like something to drink with that?” She asks. Maybe some doctor pepper? A quick flash of Johnnie goes through my head. Johnnie would have ordered doctor pepper. I would tell him that it really wasn’t that good but he would still convince me it was the best soda out there.

“Sir?” “Oh yeah, I’d like some cola with that,”

I take out my phone, I get on TikTok. Nothing out of the ordinary. It’s like a black hole, it’s so big but you don’t register because you only see so little of it. I get up a video saying “who are you written by?”. Continuing with a list of people, mostly vocalists. Aesthetic pictures on each person, red and roses for Lana del Rey, black and white for arctic monkeys and so on. Which one am I? Am I allowed to be written by myself?

I look up from my screen. The food is probably not done yet, not that I’m surprised, it’s only been a few minutes. A lot can happen in a few minutes.

As I put my phone down on the table I notice someone that looks familiar. The guy sitting at the table a few tables away from me turns around. When he has fully turned around. I blink a few times and I realize that it’s Johnnie…

His eyes are big, I don’t know if it’s fear or anger. He looks somewhat shocked to see me. I honestly don’t think I should bother him, he probably doesn’t want to see me.

He gasps, I can nearly feel it. The way his mouth slightly opens. He takes a deep breath. We just stare at each other for a few seconds. His blue eyes stare at me, it’s so nice seeing him. I don’t really know how to react. We just sit there, staring at one another. Everything else seems to go away, it’s just me and him.

I hear nothing more than my own breath and heart. My head is silent, every sound closes out. He looks just the way I remember. I feel warmer inside. It’s like I have been frozen all these past months and I’m finally getting the warmth back. I want to hug him. I want to be close to him again.

We continue like this, staring a hole through the other. He takes a final deep breath before he turns around. Now there is only his pitch black hair facing me. It is a lot longer than I remember. He’s still the same right?

I also take a final deep breath as I look down at the table again. I feel myself getting colder, frozen again. This is it. There is no more us. No more YouTube. No more of us. ‘Americas favorite ladies’ are now gone. We are just someone on the face of earth. He is just ‘the guy I met in my twenties’, nothing more, nothing less.

It’s nearly funny how a year ago we were everything to each other, our will to stay here. The will to wake up and get out of bed every day. I know I did in fact ruin it but you can’t blame me for missing him so fucking bad every single day.

There’s no point in imagining and missing what was. Sometimes we just need to accept reality. What is gone will never come back, if we accept it or not. I know we won’t ever be a thing anymore. Just two souls in the same room. In the same country.

Two individuals. Two different people who will never meet again. We are nothing more than that. It’s me against the world now. Him against his world. Everyone against their own separate world.

Their own challenges alone. I’ve realized that helping myself might not be so bad after all. Nothing changes if I don’t do the changes myself. I tell someone and nothing happens. It’s better to cry to sleep and fix it myself. To feel so frozen and numb you can barely differentiate between dreams and reality.

Or maybe even nightmares. They all feel the same. I don’t really feel anything anymore. I just let it all happen and do it on repeat. My mind numb. I don’t think I could handle feeling anything anymore. I would break. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be the same if I wasn’t here.

The food comes on the table, it looks a bit bland, like everything else. I remember I once went here as a child, I remember the food was better than whatever this was. It didn’t really matter what I just got served. I don’t really love eating the way I used to.

Not like an eating disorder but in the way that I don’t feel the same joy I used to.

I pick up the burger, it is sloppy and watery. The bread is wet and the meat is fake and processed. It smells just okay. It’s just a burger. It’s just life. Just like everything if that even makes any sense at all.

I quickly look up at him. Catching a glimpse of him.

I start to eat my food, it tastes shitty. Definitely wasn’t worth ten dollars. Who cares, it’s just numbers. We all work for some numbers and pay for things with numbers.

I don’t know if anything even matters anymore. I take a bite, just as bland as the last one.

Chapter Text

So most of you guys have probably already heard about Johnnie Guilbert and Grace Van Dien dating. And I’m kinda unsure what to do about this fic considering both might be uncomfortable with fanfiction about Jake and Johnnie being written. The information about their relationship is still quite new and both Jake and Johnnie have said something about an announcement today. That will be said that even if I stop writing about Jake and Johnnie I will continue writing but most likely in other fandoms. I’m not sure how to go about this. I might write one last chapter or wait a few weeks to post anything new. Hope you guys understand, I’m interested to hear what you guys are planning on doing with your own jxj fanfics?

Chapter Text

Chapter 20: CANT YOU JUST FILL THE FUCKING VOID

After some thinking I’ve decided to continue this, even tho Johnnie is in a relationship with Grace. Remember that this is a work of fiction and is not real. I think Johnnie and Grace are so cute and I am very glad they are together. Hope you enjoy this next chapter, sorry if the story is getting messy and a little shitty.

Tara’s perspective:
Listen to “summer gardens” by hole in heart.

I sat my camera up and turned on the ring light. The bright light hit me like a star. It had been a long time since I had picked up YouTube. My fans were somewhat worried and I had been putting off making this video for quite some time now. I had started but I just ended up crying or messing up whatever I was planning on saying.

I reach over to the small button on the right side of the camera; a small red light starts to appear and It’s filming.

“Hey guys” I start off by. “I haven’t really been active as many of you already know” I take a deep breath. “I’ve been putting off this video for a while now,” I look down “it’s not any of y’all’s fault I promise,” lightly I bite my lip before continuing. “I’ve had some… difficult weeks because-“ tears start to grasp the back of my eyes, trying to get out.

“Let’s just take it from the start.”

I start my telling them about everything from the start. How me and Jake broke up and how I found out Johnnie and him were dating. This part wasn’t that difficult to talk about, but when it came to the part where I was going to talk about the rape I felt so lost. I just couldn’t explain what I was even feeling. Whatever it was, it was still haunting me.

“He touched me.” I manage to explain. Not only did he touch me- he also created a void I could never fill. A never ending black hole that would drag the whole of me in it if I weren’t careful. Sometimes I would pinch myself to make sure I was still intact. Maybe somehow that was the day my body would get slurped up by the void, by the intense hurting vacuum. A blank space.

I felt my heart drop my to stomach as I uttered those words. Tears fell from my face, I tried to wipe them away with the sleeve of my shirt with no success.

Cold tears ran carefully and slowly down the carved surface of my face. From my cheekbones to the edge of my face. Dripping to my clothes. Small drops forming spots on my shirt.

I felt out of touch with my very own body. The surroundings seemed so dead. Who had I become?

The pit in my stomach was still there after months since he was the one who started digging his dick and fingers deeply inside me. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. It all hurt. To know who the person I once was. To know that person is forever gone, now a memory out there somewhere on the horizon.

I wish I could have her back. I wish the old me would still have even just a little spark of light. If so that was the last I would ever see of who I was that would be enough.

I look up at the camera in front of me. A deafening silence. Maybe I really was the pick me everyone painted me out to be, maybe this whole video was a bad idea, just a girl seeking any kind of attention she can get. An attention seeker. Or maybe it’s just a cry for help. I wish I knew. I really do.

It would be nice to have someone tell me what to do. Instead I just isolate myself like some sort of freak. I’m the Tara yummy, the girl full of pride. Or so I was.

That girl was somewhere deep within me, but she was dead, she had lost her spark. It’s just me now, a blown out candle, a broken heart and a lost will to be here. I promised I would forever love YouTube, forever post. Maybe this was the end of forever.

Everything expires after all.

I do, you do. I remember I once said to Jake ‘everything expires’ and he told me that ‘my love for you does not’. I did though, it really did. Even though I was the one who ended it I still felt so incredibly empty and hurt. It was my choice, smart? Definitely not, but it was needed I think. If only someone could tell me how to live this long and insufferable life, or short. Some people think it’s too short, while for others it’s awfully long and draining.

Some people even loose the will to be here. I have thought of it, but I’ve never gone through with it. I planned it once, i did, never happened though. In some ways I’m thankful I didn’t, but sometimes, I wish not to exist. I don’t want to be dead, I just don’t want to be aware of anything at all anymore.

“Sorry for this unusual video,” I say as I wipe the last tears that fell from my eyes. “Thanks for watching.” I click the stop recording button, then I post it. After I record I just sit there, staring at my wall. I close my eyes, but all I see is him.

I still have nightmares about it all. Not as vivid as they first were, but they are still there. The bruises are gone, the red marks on my thighs have disappeared. I still remember everything.

Johnnie’s perspective:
Listen to “End of the world” by Hether<3
I spend a lot of time finding the perfect songs so I would appreciate if you listened to the songs while reading thank you:3!!

When I look up I am met with Jake. The Jake Webber. I haven’t seen him in months. We have never been away from each other for this long.

The world stops for a second. We just stay there, staring at one another. The world goes silent.

Until I snap out of it and look down again. How could this even happen, my best friend and I haven’t talked for months. In the start I thought I could bear it all, turns out I couldn’t. I’ve been crying myself to sleep every day, walking up with red eyes and a messy room. I relapsed four times already. I loved the feeling, it hurt so bad.

I look up at him again, I can’t tell if I’m mad at him or madly in love, I can’t lie, I have been jerking off a few times to him in the past months, though I can’t say it was fully painless, because I would always end up crying of guilt afterwards.

I wish so badly that prick wouldn’t leave me in the first place. Actually, fuck him. I’m so done with him, he is the one who left me so he might as well live with it.

Before my mind can comprehend what my body does I sit up from my chair. I walk over to him. I really haven’t planned what to say for shit but I might as well wing it just like everything else in my life. Fuck. What do I say.

I stare him directly in his eyes. From what I can tell he just seems shocked, not exactly mad.

“Johnnie..” he says as he stares at me. “Jake” I reply. “You have no idea how fucking mad I am at you,” I fight back the tears “you fucking douche.” He seems to get a little more angry now. “I fucking hate you Jake, I can barely look you in the eyes.”

His expression gets more intense and serious. I feel a tear running down my face. “Jake.. why did you do that?!” I cry out. I want to hug him and punch him so badly. I want to let him touch me everywhere, hold me close, kiss my head, hug me so I can’t remember the outside world. “Please Jake- hold me close please.” Tears stream down my face, my body feels like it doesn’t belong to me. Not unless Jake is there with it.

I miss him in every way, I miss his plump lips, his black hair, his voice, his stimming, the blush on his face whenever I came into the room. His never emptying jar of affection.

I bring my hand to his face and smack him as hard as I can. “Ouch what the fuck was that for!” Jake nearly screams.

“I hate you,” I say as I hug him. “I hate you Jake!” I cry out. I feel him standing up and holding his arms around me.

The owner of the shop asks us to get out because we were apparently causing a scene. We end up on a bench outside on a hill. Looking down at a beautiful sunset. It’s just us two. Nothing else.

We just sit there staring at one another. I have never felt so safe in my life. “Jake?” I ask. “Yeah?” He answers. “I didn’t mean the part where I said I hated you, I just have been missing you so bad, and like I didn’t know what to do I just said I hated you and smacked you..” I admit. “I know you were the one who distanced yourself from me but I still feel like I did something wrong, and like I’ve only been thinking about you for the past months. Like how I wanna hug you and just kiss you” I ramble.

“What I’m trying to say” I take a deep breath. “I love you Jake.”

He looks beyond shocked by the words. But he brings me in close again, this time, not for a hug, he kisses me(!!!!).

Chapter Text

I do not wish to finish this as I am demotivated and no longer as interested in writing in this “fandom” I will however share the last part I wrote, maybe you can find your own little ending (if there are still people reading this). I hope you enjoyed this little story and maybe found it somewhat interesting. I’ve gotten a few friends through this fic as well as getting to know some awful people lol. I will probably not be posting anything in other fandoms either for a while because for starters I’m not in any other fandoms and I just don’t have the energy at the time. Sorry if anyone was looking forward to seeing something more happening here, have a good day. I’m also sorry if this is a shallow and bad last part but I wrote it like a month ago and really didn’t want to do anything more with it.

It was a sweet kiss, it was unexpected and I didn’t know what to feel, but I can’t help falling in love with you. Your hand touches mine and they interlock into a knot that would never be unraveled. Some things are just meant to be.

Everything else blurred, it was only us, our hands stuck together and not a care in the world. I felt a warm breeze, the sun startet to set. The vague city lights in front of us.

His hand was warm, skin to skin, it felt like a dream. We pull apart and sit there, just starting at one another. Brown eyes looking lovingly at me.

The sun was smiling at us, hugging us with her warmth.