Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a normal day for Dazai. He woke up, drank a couple of vodkas for breakfast, and went to the Armed Detective Agency. He didn't feel like doing work like always and instead came up with a new idea to annoy Kunikida. The plan was that once the day was over, he'd tie nooses around every lamp in the building and stick superglue to them so Kunikida couldn't get them out. However, Dazai didn't have any rope since Kunikida burned down all of it, and he was broke, so he'd have to try to get some money from the agency. His first target is Kunikida. Dazai snuck up behind Kunikida and shouted "Kunikida-kuuuuun!" Kunikida had five heart attacks at the same time. He turned around to Dazai and shouted at him "Dazai! You little...!" Dazai chuckled "No bitches, Kunikida-kun? Oh, I wonder why... Maybe it's because-" Kunikida yelled "Shut up! Get out of the agency! Now!" He started pushing Dazai out of the doorway. "Waiit! Kunikida-kuun! I-" Kunikida shouted "Silence!" and Dazai was on the floor outside. It looks like he has no choice but to go to his last resort, Chuuya.

Dazai got into the Port Mafia building and was searching for Chuuya. He found Chuuya singing in the bathroom "POOOOOORRRRRRNNNNN!" Dazai's ears started bleeding once Chuuya hit a high note. Dazai grabbed Chuuya, threw him on the floor, and then dragged him out of the building. Chuuya stood up "What the fuck!?" Dazai replied "I should be saying that. Your singing sucks so much that my poor ears started bleeding." Chuuya shouted "Shut up! I sang exactly like Arianna Grande!" Dazai laughed, saying "That's probably why you don't even have a girlfriend. I bet you've been bitchless all your life!" The ugly Ed Sheeran anime version copy glared at him "That's none of your business, bastard! Anyway, why are you even here? Just seeing your face makes me want to throw up!" Dazai replied "Listen, I didn't want to see your Chihuahua face either. I just need some money." The stupid little ginger asked "And what do you want me to do about it?" Dazai smirked "Give me your money." Chuuya took a step closer "And why should I give you money?" Dazai smirked "Because you're my bungou stray dog, you little ginger loser, remember? You're supposed to do whatever I say." Chuuya shouted "That bet was made years ago! I'm not giving you anything!" Dazai reached for his pocket "Oh, really now? Let's see your reaction to this."

He pulled his phone out and turned on an audio that Chuuya had made of himself giving birth. Chuuya yelled "What!? How the fuck did you even get that audio!?" Dazai smirked "Mori sent it to me by accident. Anyway, that's not all. I have a video of you taking off your socks, getting those (bungou stray) dogs out, dipping them in mustard, and licking it off." Chuuya reached for Dazai's phone "Give me that!" Dazai lifted his phone above his head "Oh, what's wrong? Can't get it? You should've listened to me when I told you that you ought to drink some more milk." Chuuya replied "Shut up! I ate bing chilling like that guy on the internet, and bing chilling has milk in it!" Dazai laughed "Wow, I never knew you could be this dumb. Anyway, will you give me your money now?" Chuuya punched Dazai in the face "Never!" Dazai sighed "Okay then, I guess we have to settle this in a fight." Dazai put his phone back in his pocket and pointed in a random direction "Oh my gosh! It's Mori! Look! Over there!" Chuuya looked around "What? Where!?" Dazai kicked Chuuya in the balls. He took off his coat and shirt to show his muscles and ten pack. Chuuya's jaw dropped to the floor "You're a gigacha-!?" Dazai grabbed Chuuya by the chin and punched his jaw, knocking his teeth out. Then he grabbed a gun from his coat and shot him in the ass. Chuuya screamed "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Dazai laughed and whispered in Chuuya's ear "Waltuh, put your dick away, Waltuh. I'm not having sex with you right now, Waltuh." before knocking him out.

Dazai took off his muscle suit he found on Wish for free "Wow, this thing really helped. Anyway, I need to hurry and take his money before anyone sees me." Dazai reached into Chuuya's pockets and took out a wallet. He opened it and found 5 Yen there. Dazai sighed "Oh, come on. I'll just steal his ridiculous hat and sell it somewhere." Dazai kicked Chuuya's body around, poured 10 gallons of vodka in his mouth for fun, and left. The end.

Chapter Text

It was September 6th, an ordinary day at the Port Mafia. Dazai and Chuuya just beat Randou the other day, whose real name was revealed to be "Arthur Rimbaud." It was fun seeing Chuuya get betrayed by his only comrades due to a misunderstanding. However, it was really a shame that Mori-san wanted to recruit Chuuya. It was beneficial to the Port Mafia, after all. But it really is a pain to witness his stupidity every day. But maybe there's a single good thing about that...

"I can bully a stupid, sluggish, ugly, and short idiot! What could be any more fun than this?" Dazai smiled to himself while reading his favorite book, The Complete Suicide, on the couch. He put down the book and sat up on the couch. "How should I bully him now?..." Dazai placed a hand on his chin. "Oh! I know! I'll go onto his Roblox account and read his chats!"

It was 3 a.m. when Dazai got into Chuuya's room. He turned on his computer and opened Roblox. Before him appeared Chuuya's username, 'EdSheMewing' Dazai cringed so badly that he gagged. He slightly hesitated before pressing the "chats" button, afraid of what he might see next, but nonetheless, he still pressed it.

A bunch of usernames appeared "Hmm... Who should I pick...?" Dazai was reading all of the most recent messages from each chat until he spotted one that stood out "Baby... grill? What kind of chat was thi-" Suddenly, Dazai got jumpscared by Chuuya's awful flirting and horrendous pick-up lines. There were plenty. 'R U BUS? BECAUSE İ WANT RİDE U' 'ARE U MATH? BECAUSE UR HARD' 'ARE U MİXED BECAUSE UR HALF FİNE HALF Mİ-

Dazai gagged as he kept reading. Dazai knew that Chuuya was definitely bad at flirting and all that, but... what just is this? "I'm gonna throw up at this poin... Huh? The user is responding?" The reply read, '*blushes* EdSheMewing-kun... I-I'm edging to your pick-up lines so hard... AAAAH! IT'S COMING OUT!' At that moment, Dazai realized that he was capable of doing a really dangerous thing.

The brunet smirked before typing '69.420.014.696' and sending it. The other user replied, 'W-W-What!?' Dazai chuckled as he typed even more degenerate things 'you little goofball... :sob: ill come over to your place and swing my balls across your face like a grandfather clock dont let me catch you failing edging again'

Minutes passed before he finally got blocked. Dazai started looking up various furry porn websites on Chuuya's computer. He did the Kira laugh as he imagined the look on Chuuya's face as Mori-san and everyone else saw the new things in Chuuya's search history. That's right, Dazai wants to get Chuuya cancelled on Twitter.

Hours passed, and it was already 9 a.m. Everything was on Twitter. Dazai posted on Chuuya's account every single pick-up line he found and his search history. It was over for Chuuya. Dazai sighed and got off of Chuuya's computer to go back to his room and nap a little before Chuuya could wake up. He hoped that he didn't wake up early-

"What the actual fuck are you doing in my room?"

Oh, fuck.

Dazai smirked. "Oh, nothing, of course. I was just trying to see how short people live for a change." Chuuya shouted, "Huh!? Get out of my room, right-!" The door slammed shut, and Dazai was gone before Chuuya could even finish the sentence.

Dazai ran back to his room as fast as possible. When he finally got back in it, he laid down on his bed and opened Twitter. And all of the things that he posted on Chuuya's account remained. Dazai turned off his phone and smiled before napping.

When Dazai woke up, he heard shouting in the hallways. Dazai walked up to his door and opened it slightly to peek at whatever the fuck was going on. Dazai could barely make out what anyone was saying or doing, so he stepped out of his room to watch.

He couldn't explain exactly what was going on, but it was definitely like a fever dream. Chuuya was surrounded by enormous Skibidi toilets. They were all edging to... the furry porn that Dazai searched up on Chuuya's computer? Wait... Chuuya was edging too!?

Dazai played the audio that Chuuya made of himself giving birth. Silence fell over the room. All of the Skibidi Toilets looked at Chuuya and ###### #### ###### ######## ###### ########### ###### Rose Toy Blender ####### ############## ########### ############### ############### ############ ########## ########### pepe ########### ############ ############### ##############

He walked over to Chuuya and the Skibidi toilets from behind. He reached into his pocket.

"PEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEeeEEEEEEEEeEEEeEEeeEeeEEeeEEeEeEeEEEeeEeEEEEENIS!!!"

Dazai had shot Chuuya in the ass. "What the fuck!? Dazai!" Chuuya yelled at Dazai. Dazai grabbed Chuuya's collar and brought a finger to his own lips. Then he turned his head and outlined his jawline with his finger before kicking him in the balls with a vodka bottle, it shattering everywhere and causing fatal wounds on the ugly little gingers body.

He grabbed his knife #### ######### ########### #### ############# ############## ########### ######################### ############ ################ ############### ############ ############# ############ ############ ########### ########### ########### ###################### ######### ########

The suicide addict laughed maniacally before finishing the anime copy of Ed Sheeran off by writing his name in the Death Note. Dazai kept staring at his watch, wanting the little ginger mistake to die already.

When the time passed and Chuuya had finally died, he brought his corpse to Monokuma and proceeded to ask him to make butter out of him.

The next day, the Port Mafia had a party with only sandwiches with butter. The end.