Archive of Our Own ^beta

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The Farmer had arrived in Stardew Valley on the First of Spring three years ago and had become an integral part of the community. Throwing themselves wholeheartedly into every event, becoming close with all of the townsfolk (even those not so pleasant) and even fixed up the community centre. Something Mayor Lewis seemingly didn’t even attempt before the Farmer's heart of gold and go-lucky attitude.

Shane despite his stony exterior and general demeanour had developed a soft spot for the farmer. Shane had been a mess for years but when things truly began to spiral out of control the Farmer was there to help him pick up the pieces, something he would forever be grateful for. When the Community Centre re-opened and Shane lost his job with Joja the Farmer helped him pick up an evening job in the Saloon, they helped him get sober and there’s not much else to do in the valley anyway and if he’s not gonna drink he might as well make some cash from it. The Farmer has become somewhat of a constant in Shane's life, not only his but Jas and Marnie’s also, frequenting the Ranch to give gifts to Jas and discuss the Farm with Marnie.

On the Farmer's third Winter in the Valley, they had gone silent. Nobody had seen or heard from them for the first week of Winter. When Shane brought it up in the Saloon Gus and the others brushed it off.
“There’s not much work for a Farmer in Winter, they deserve the break anyway.”
Still, unease sat in the pit of Shane's stomach.

Missing the Festival of Ice was something the Farmer hadn’t done before, but again was brushed off.
“Well, the shine of all these events has to wear off eventually, don’t worry they’ll show up.”
Shane tried to focus on polishing but the back of his mind couldn’t let it go.

Maybe they’re visiting family or friends in the city for the Winter, there’s no point causing a bother, especially for the Farmer, they do deserve the break. Shane lay in bed each night and told himself, it’s not like they’re best friends or anything. It would be weird to go knock down the door if they’re just trying to rest.

-

It’s only on the day of the Feast of the Winter Star that murmurs of concern begin amongst the others. The Farmer doesn’t come to collect their present and Shane doesn’t receive one. Mayor Lewis assures Marnie that he sent the invitation to the Farmer the same day as everyone else’s.

When the Feast ends, Shane gives both Marnie and Jas a hug and decides he’ll swing by the Farm to drop off the Farmer’s presents. Promising Marnie he would check on the farm animals also he sets off. Trudging through the thick snow to the farm and his heartbeat in his ears, Shane starts to catastrophise. At least that’s what his therapist says it is, really he’s just considering the possibilities.

The Farmer did always know what to say, that night at the pond, their first real conversation the farmer seemed to understand. It wasn’t just sadness in their eyes but an understanding Shane hadn’t seen before. Then on the cliff, the Farmer was there and wasn’t angry or upset with him but talked to him, listened and comforted. What if the Farmer didn’t just understand but related? What if the Farmer had spent all this time helping him while he neglected their problems? His boots started moving quicker in the snow.

Coming into the Farm his breath caught in his lungs. The pathing is cracked and the stone walls are practically collapsing, they don’t look like they have been maintained if not for weeks but for the entire season. The layer of snow on the front porch was thick enough to have been there for at least a week, with no sign of footsteps or shovelling. He places the Farmer's gift on the snowy steps and heads towards the Barn and Coop. Part of him knows he’s avoiding knocking in case something terrible has happened, the blood is still loud in his ears and the air is having difficulty getting to his lungs.

The Chickens don’t seem happy to see him, they squawk angrily at his touch, their food storage and water are full as well and the radiators are on. It’s clear that the Farmer hasn’t been in for a while, Shane picks up the eggs and feathers left on the floor and places them neatly into the chest at the door. He doesn’t count them for fear of knowing for sure how long it has been since the Farmer has been out. The Cows have much the same reaction to him, mooing unhappily and moving away from his touch. They have enough food and water also.

He hovers at the door of the barn, the longer he spends in here the longer it will be until he has to knock on the farmer's door. His chest is tight, and he berates himself for being selfish but still hesitates to leave the barn and move back towards the house.

From the porch, he can’t see anything inside of the house. The curtains are drawn tight enough that he can’t even see the light inside of the home. He knocks on the door. Nothing. He takes a step back and considers just heading home, maybe the Farmer isn’t in. After a couple of minutes too long he takes a deep breath and tries the handle.

-

The door creaks open loudly from disuse, Shanes's eyes have to adjust to the darkness of the house. The only light was a faint glow coming from under the door on his right. The dog Marnie gifted the farmer on their very first Spring is on the armchair in the corner and only blinks at him before drifting back to sleep. Shane places the present on the kitchen table and steps towards the door.

“Farmer… are you in there?” He says softly through the door, silence for a second and he feels his heart rate pick up. A small sniffling sound is heard, he almost couldn’t hear it over the sound of his heartbeat, “Hey, I’m coming in, okay?” Pushing the door open gently and taking a deep breath, Shane steps into the room not expecting the sight before him.

The Farmer, only lit by a soft lamp in the corner sitting in the middle of the bed clutching a soft stuffed bear that’s seen better days, a blanket draped over their shoulders and tears streaming down their face.

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“Hey buddy,” He stepped into the room carefully, the Farmer sniffed and wiped their face with the blanket.

“I’m so sorry,” they whispered voice so soft Shane almost couldn’t hear, tears were still rolling down their cheeks and the teddy clutched tight to their chest.

“Don’t havta be sorry Farmer, we’re just worried is all, haven’t seen you in a minute.”

That seemed to have burst the floodgates, the Farmer started sobbing and apologising, bringing the teddy up to their face, “I’m sorry, I don’t know whats wrong with me. I’ve been so mean and missed everyones birthdays and the Feast and I’m just being so silly!” The words were tumbling out of their mouth faster than they could speak, all falling over each other between gasping breaths of tears.

It reminded Shane of Jas when they first moved to the town, full of emotions and words but not being able to organise them, everything spilling out once the feelings got too overwhelming.

He moved to the side of the bed, rubbing the Farmers back gently. The poor Farmer’s whole body shook with tears as they cried into the soft teddy, “Farmer, nobody thinks you’re silly, it’s okay.” The Farmer only shook their head in response, “I’ve only came by to make sure you’re okay buddy, and it sure doesn’t seem it, do you wanna talk about it?”

The Farmer shuffled backwards in the bed, leaning against the headboard and pillows, Shane sat on the edge of the bed quietly. The Farmer looked at him with wide eyes, still swallowing sobs and shaking slightly. Shane just smiled softly and waited for an answer, Jas got like this as well, desperate to say something but the words got blocked in her throat.

“I don’t know…” Shane barely heard it, “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Only worried because we… I, want to help you, Yoba knows you’ve helped us all beyond words.” He placed a gentle hand on their knee drawn up to their body, “It’s not silly to feel upset and you haven’t been mean in the slightest.”

The Farmer took in a deep breath, “Winter is sad,” the words were strained like they were forcing them out, Shane just nodded waiting for the Farmer to fight out the next words, “I just… It’s so lonely here. Everyone has family and people and I’m not even useful in Winter,” tears slipped down their cheeks, brows drawn in concentration, “I’m the Farmer, I grow plants and help everyone and nothing grows in Winter, there’s no point in me.”

Shane patted their knee lightly, trying to think of something, anything to say, he disagreed with the farmer but these feelings were familiar to him, just saying they were wrong wouldn’t help, and then the Farmer spoke again.

“I feel so small and useless, like everything in the world is just too big. I miss my family and friends and feeling loved! I wish I could hideaway all Winter and come back and feel better in Spring but even when I have crops and fruit the feeling doesn’t go away, I’m just too busy to feel. I hate how small I feel, I hate me and I hate the Farm!” The words had anger in them but the sobs dampened them, the Farmer curled up into themself and their whole body wracked with sobs.

“You’re very brave for telling me, those are very big and difficult feelings to have,” Shane felt like his therapist but the words felt right, “sometimes big feelings are difficult to deal with especially if you feel alone.” The Farmer only made a strangled noise in their throat as a response, still curing in on themself.

Shane’s mind was running a mile a minute, scrambling to understand what's being said, and then something clicked, like a puzzle piece, “Hey bud, when you say you feel small, how do you mean?”

The Farmer shook their head and buried their face into the teddy, very much reminding Shane of Jas when she was younger.
“I promise it’s okay, I’m here for you no matter what,” the farmer blinked at him with large owlish eyes, childlike. “Do you feel smaller in your head? Bein a grown-up get too much?”

“I’m sorry,” the Farmer whispered again, so softly that it was barely louder than a breath, “I don’t mean to be bothering you.”
“Not bothering me buddy,” Shane smiled softly, “Would you like a hug?”

The Farmer, shuffled closer to Shane, legs still tight to their body, leaning onto his side, Shane still on the edge of the bed brought his arm around the Farmer to hold them close, gently rubbing their arm. They sat like that for a while, Shane’s arm got tired and the Farmer's tears had stopped.

“Hey buddy, why don’t we move a bit, just to get you more comfortable?” The Farmer only nodded, letting Shane move them back to the top of the bed, “do you wanna get under the covers? It’s a little chilly in here,” the Farmer again only nodded letting Shane bring the covers up over them and sat again on the edge of the bed facing the Farmer, “have you been feeling this way for a while?”

Again the Farmer nodded gently stroking their teddy's ears, Shane felt he could barely breathe, the Farmer looking so sad and exhausted, all he could think was that he should’ve come to check on them sooner. Left it to nearly the end of the season while the Farmer has been thinking it is their fault.

“I want you to know you aren’t alone, even if it feels that way,” the Farmer met his eyes and Shane just couldn’t stop thinking how young they look, with the weight of the world on their shoulders and all of the feelings that no one deserves. “I’m here for you buddy, no matter what. There’s nothing that could make me upset with you, you’re one of the most important people in my life.”

The Farmer's eyes welled up with tears, Shane continued, “Let me do what I can for you buddy, nobody deserves to feel the way you are.”

The Farmer moved over in the bed and patted the sheets next to them, Shane kicked his boots off and got onto the bed next to the Farmer, above the covers, the Farmer burrowed under his arm and rested their head on his chest. Quietly spilling tears onto his sweater, Shane rubbed their back.

“Everything is going to be okay sweetheart,” the farmer nodded and blinked up at him, eyelids heavy, “It is getting late isn’t it? Crying always makes me tired.”

The Farmer only brought their teddy to rest between them and snuggled closer, “Why don’t I tell you a story?”