Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

In the middle of the night, a massive creature spontaneously appeared near a house in the middle of a forest. The creature approached the house, its mottled green skin vaguely illuminated by the light above the front door. A man opened the door, having been awoken by the noise. “What’s going on out here?” He stepped back in horror, his mind feeling as though it were unraveling from around him.

The monster entered the house. It was alien to the man’s entire universe; an entity that was never meant to exist. The sight of it threw him into a panic. “What… what the hell are you?”

The creature lunged, covering the walls and floor in bright ink-blood. The aberration gnashed its teeth. A single word escaped its mouth, with inhuman contempt. “Disgusting.”

Dr. Alto Clef sat in Site-19’s employee lounge with his lunch in his hands. The lounge was also inhabited by a few of his colleagues; the perpetually stoic Dr. Gears, Clef’s rival Dr. Kondraki, and a dog laying on clef’s lap, much to the doctor’s irritation. “Kain, I swear that if you drool on me, I will send you to the pound.''

The dog, Dr. Kain Pathos Crow, retreated to the other side of the couch while complaining about how his genius was never appreciated. The door opened as a monkey walked into the room. “Dr. Bright, why are you here? You don’t seem to have anything to eat.” Gears inquired of the primate.

Bright looked at Gears, exasperated at his lack of expression. “Well,” He began, “I’ve been sent to report that there’s been a containment breach recently.” He explained, as though it were the everyday occurrence that it was at Site-19.

“Great, just what we need. Which one is it this time?” kondraki demanded, sounding more like someone asking who won last night’s sports game than which of an endless selection of horrific monsters had escaped into the Site’s halls. “The old man? The shy guy?”

“Actually, it was 682.”

Everyone paused. “Did anyone see where it went?” Clef asked.

“As a matter of fact, it went inside one of the dimensional portals.” Bright answered.

The room was instantly filled with cheers and hollers of jubilation, Kondraki in particular shouting, “finally! That overgrown gecko is someone else’s problem!”

“Pardon me.” Gears requested of his colleagues, “But does any one else remember what happened last time we tried to get rid of SCP-682 by throwing it into another dimension?”

A millisecond later, nobody was celebrating. A few years ago, the SCP Foundation had tied 682 to 507-a perfectly average man who involuntarily teleported between random dimensions at random times. They had hoped that doing so would banish the lizard to another dimension for all eternity, but instead a different SCP-682 came back, even worse than the last. They’d only managed to send it back after dozens of agents had been killed, half the site had been wiped out, and multiple SCPs had been annihilated.

The entire incident had nearly resulted in a broken masquerade scenario. Even the 05’s had been shaken; the stoic, unfeeling leaders of the Foundation. “Well, that doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.” Kondraki didn’t sound as sure as he’d hoped.

“Of course. But are we entirely certain that it won’t? Is it not possible, that in ridding ourselves of one threat we may inadvertently be inviting another, worse threat? One that risks exposing us to the outside world, or worse.” Gears implored, deadpan as always.

“Alright, fine. Let’s get our scaly omnicidal friend back.” Clef begrudgingly relented.

“That’s exactly what we’re doing. Clef, come with me. We’re going with the Bailey triplets.”

“Really? Weren’t they at different sites?”

Bright shrugged, “I guess someone sent them here.”

Chapter Text

A 14-year-old boy with green tentacle-hair was sitting at a table, eating a meal of fast food after engaging in several hours’ worth of turf war. He still had a relative surplus of funds left over from his victories in the sport. Just as the inkling was taking another bite into his burger, the massive screen in the middle of the square turned on, the logo for Inkopolis News blaring its obnoxiously catchy music.

After the logo ended, live footage of Pearl and Marina’s studio room appeared on the screen. They skipped their usual opening catchphrases, in favor of Pearl stating, “We have a breaking news broadcast. Marina, give us the details."

The octoling hesitated before speaking, "Last night, we received an anonymous report that someone had seen what they described as a monster while walking through the woods. Here’s the photo they took."

A picture appeared on the screen, showing a clearing in a forest. There was a house with an ajar door on the edge of the photo, with a barely-visible creature in the center. Its back was turned to the photographer, a long scaly green tail emerging from the back of what seemed to be a massive, mottled green lizard. A sense of foreboding seemed to emanate from the photo.

“We advise everyone to stay indoors as much as possible. If you see anything that could be this monster, please get somewhere safe and notify the authorities.” Marina explained, “In addition, turf wars will be postponed until further notice and respawn generators moved to the most densely populated areas of the city. However, respawn generators can only resurrect so many at a time, so don’t get careless.”

Pearl added, “Plus, we don’t know what this thing’s deal is, so we don’t even know if respawn generators will work with it.” That simple revelation would’ve sent a chill of dread down the spines of everyone watching the broadcast if they hadn’t all been invertebrates. The two recited their usual farewell without their usual jubilation, before the screen switched to a commercial.

The green-haired boy dialed his arrow-shaped cell phone. He whispered, “Hey, Katherine. Something just came up on the news; we need to get to the base.” After the few seconds taken up by her response, he hung up.

The boy walked briskly towards a manhole cover in the corner of the square, easily going unnoticed in the commotion of everyone around him rushing back to their homes. After looking around himself to make sure no one could see him, he transformed into a squid to dive into the manhole.

Chapter Text

Drs. Tristan, Thomas, and Trevor Bailey stood in one of Site-19’s interdimensional portal rooms. Bored, they watched the security cameras as a man with a giant spider for a face walked through the hall next to a monkey.

Trevor opted to pass the time by asking his brothers, “So, how are things with you two?”

Tristan was the only one of them who still worked at site-87, in the anomalous town of Sloth's Pit, wisconsin. Trevor worked at site-19, and had been the one to call his brothers there when SCP-682 went through the portal. Tom worked in Antarctica, as an ambassador to the secretive Third Antarctic Empire.

“Oh, we recently captured a gorgon in the woods. Had a whole collection of statues and everything.” Tristan told of one of his latest exploits.

“That’s nothing. Last week, my squad repelled a small army of man-eating penguins. Must’ve been about 100 of the things, at least. Still didn’t lose a single man.” Tom bragged.

“Yeah, well, what we’re going after is a bit more dangerous than an army of penguins, Tom Bombadil.”

Thomas resented the nickname, despite knowing Tristan was right; nothing any of them had ever done could prepare them for trying to retrieve SCP-682. While the three of them were talking amongst themselves, Dr. Alto Clef walked into the room, accompanied by Dr. Jack Bright. “Alright, fellas, let’s get this show on the road. I see the portal’s open, let’s go already.” Dr. Clef sounded strangely excited.

“Yeah, let’s get this over with already.”

“It’s good to see we’re all at least somewhat willing to hit the interdimensional road. Oh, and before anyone asks, I don’t know where it leads. I was supervising some tests before we had to evacuate because of 682’s containment breach, so it could be just about anywhere in the multiverse.” Trevor led the group through the portal.

Chapter Text

The boy with green tentacle-hair arrived at his destination on the other side of the manhole cover. The small militia’s base was located on a floating island in the middle of nowhere, with a noticeable lack of notable features. There was a couch in front of an outdoor TV, some training equipment, and a ramshackle old hut that barely looked big enough for 1 inhabitant, though it was larger on the inside.

After a few minutes, a 16-year-old girl with bright yellow tentacle-hair emerged from the grate, in the middle of their section of the island. “Hey, agent 4. Ready for some monster hunting?”

“Lauren, you can call me Marcus. But, yeah. I take it you saw the news?”

She lowered her arms, biting her lip. “Yeah, definitely seemed like something we need to investigate.”

The door opened from the inside of the nearby hut, with two more inklings emerging. “Has anyone seen Katherine?” Marie asked the two younger inklings.

“Last I saw her, she was at home. I just texted her, though, so she should be here shortly.”

“Good to know.” Callie noted.

A few moments later, an octoling girl emerged from the grate. Her purple tentacle-hair curled on either side of her face, and her skin was pale from spending most of her 15 years underground. “Sorry I’m late guys; I just forgot where the base entrance was.”

“Agent 8, I explained the location to you yesterday.”

“Yeah, sorry, Ma-I mean agent 2” Katherine ran over to Lauren and Marcus. “So, we’re going out monster hunting, huh? That’s new.”

“Yeah, let’s hope this doesn’t become a precedent for us.” Callie prepared to brief them on how they were going to approach the situation, when her phone started to vibrate. “Oh, hold on a sec.” She looked at the text message while her cousin and the other agents looked on, exasperated. “It’s Marina. Apparently, something’s appeared topside. She’s not sure what it is, but we’d better go check it out.”

“Oh, wonderful. Because of course we don’t have enough problems already.” Marcus rolled his eyes.

By the time the five agents made it back to the deserted square, a blue disc of light was floating a few inches off the ground in the middle of the area. The agents trained their weapons on the portal; Callie’s roller, Marie’s charger, Lauren's hero shot, Marcus's splatling, and Katherine's dualies. “Be ready for anything, team.” Marie reminded them.

The portal broke apart. Five creatures emerged into the square. Four of them vaguely resembled inklings, except slightly taller with hair that wasn’t made of tentacles, smaller faces, and a lack of fangs. The other was much smaller and hairier, with a long, thin tail.

The agents of the New Squidbeak Splatoon dropped their weapons, in shock at the sight of a species that was supposed to be extinct for a dozen millenia. “I… I wasn’t ready for that.” Lauren breathed out.

One of the humans turned to his colleagues. “Alright, gents, anyone wanna bet this is gonna be one of those days?”

Chapter Text

Tristan Bailey had been to a number of universes. One where earth had four moons, one that had a word rhyming with both purple and orange, and one where the earth was a gas giant. However, he’d had yet to visit a dimension inhabited by strange humanoid creatures holding a variety of weapons, which they promptly dropped in surprise. One of them gasped, “I… I wasn’t ready for that.”

Tristan turned to his brothers, Clef, and Bright. “Alright, gents, anyone wanna bet this is gonna be one of those days?”

One of the creatures picked up a weapon that resembled a giant paint roller. “Stand down, agent 1. We don’t know if they’re hostile.” one of the other creatures told its fellow, “Maybe we should try to be friendly.” It extended a hand towards the five scientists. “My name is Marie. Sorry about my cousin. Who are you? Where did you come from?” It looked curious, yet harmless.

“Like we’re gonna fall for that!” Dr. Clef pulled out a blaster rifle and shot at the five humanoids. They ran back, retreating from the explosive blast. When the smoke cleared, the creatures were lying on the ground, struggling to regain their balance.

Trevor quickly took Clef’s gun, scolding him, “What is wrong with you?! I know we should be careful, but there’s a difference between careful and paranoid!” He would have continued, but felt a massive blunt force on his back.

Trevor’s spine felt like it was about to snap as he and Clef were knocked over by the girl with the giant roller.

Dr. Bright jumped on her, mauling her face as she screamed in pain, trying to pull the sentient monkey off of herself.

Marie loaded her charger, firing a thin jet of green paint that knocked Bright off of Callie, covering him in the paint. She rifle girl ran over to her cousin, who was clutching her face in agony. “Callie, you okay? Are you bleeding? Do you still have your eyes?” She turned to the monkey writhing on the ground, then to Clef.

Marie gave him a glare that Clef hadn’t seen anything quite like since an incident involving a reality warping little girl, Dr. Crow piloting a giant mech, and Dr. Kondraki wielding a sword.

Before anything else could happen, Trevor jumped between the two groups, holding his hands out in what he hoped looked like a sign of peace rather than a sign of aggression. “Woah, woah, woah! Hey, we don’t want a fight. Team, stand down.”

The ten of them regrouped, facing each other about three yards apart. Marcus was the first to speak up, “Alright, humans. Explain yourselves. Why’d you attack us? Why are you here?”

Tristan stepped forward, hands out in front of himself. “I apologize for my trigger-happy friend. Rest assured, we come in peace and I thought…” At this point he turned and glared at Dr. Clef. “...that we agreed we wouldn’t shoot first. Anyway, we came looking for a creature from our dimension that escaped to this world.”

At that point, Kat stepped into the conversation. “Wait, you're looking for a creature? Was it by any chance a lizard, about 20 feet long?”

Thomas smiled, yet it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, it’s exactly that. It’s more dangerous than you could imagine, though.”

Marie turned to her colleagues. “Okay, team, you heard the man. Something tells me we’re in for the fight of our lives. Any votes on teaming up with these guys?” The other four agents all raised their hands in approval, Katherine hesitating slightly moreso, as Marie turned back to the foundation employees. “Looks like it’s unanimous. I’ll give you a map to our base, since the main entrance is inaccessible to your species.”

“Thank you for accepting our help. We’ll be right over.” Tristan assured the agents. The scientists looked the map over and headed off.

“Wait!” Lauren shouted at them, “Don’t let anyone see you! Humans are supposed to be extinct; there’s no telling what could happen if you got sighted!”

The only response she got from Dr. Clef was a dry, “Whatever you say, kid.”

The five agents returned to their headquarters, where they waited for the new inhabitants to arrive. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Katherine complained, “I mean, we’re just supposed to be stopping petty crimes, keeping civilians safe, preventing a second great turf war. This? Teaming up with humans to fight an interdimensional monster? This is way out of our league.”

“Relax, Kat. it’s just this once, and besides, we could use the help.” Marcus refuted.

“You got that right, kid.” Dr. Bright and the other scientists emerged from a hidden door in the wall; meant to serve as an auxiliary entrance.

“Okay. We’ve got four inklings, an octoling, four humans, and a monkey. If that’s not the perfect team, then I don’t know what is.” Callie remarked sarcastically, “Besides, 8 raised her hand in vote earlier, so I don’t see what her problem is now.”

“Hey, I can change my mind. Still, I suppose they might be our best hope in catching this thing.”

“There’s nothing ‘might’ about it. Without us, you wouldn’t have a prayer against 682.” Clef told the other team.

“Wait, hold up. 682? Does that mean there’s more of them?” Marie asked, in blatant horror.

“Sort of, but not exactly. I’d explain, but I’m afraid that information is classified.” Trevor offered apologetically.

As soon as he finished speaking, Lauren interjected, “Fair enough, I guess. And now that we’ve agreed to team up, let’s get looking for this 682 lizard.”

“Hey wait. If we’re gonna team up with these guys, shouldn’t we at least know each other’s names?” Marcus argued, “Hi. Name’s Marcus. The others are Lauren, Katherine, Callie, and Marie.” He pointed at each of the other agents in turn.

“Fair enough. I’m Trevor Bailey. My brothers are Tristan and Thomas. That’s Dr. Clef, and the monkey is Dr. Bright.”

“Thanks. Quick question: Why the sweet-and-sour hell is one of you a monkey?!” Katherine shouted.

“Oh, that? Long story short, but I got bonded to a magic amulet that allows me to possess the body of any living creature if I die. If you want, I could demonstrate on one of you.” He gave a toothy grin.

“I’ll pass, thank you very much.” Katherine denied the monkey doctor, taking a step back.

“Agreed. Now that we’re all introduced, though, I think we ought to go capture that lizard.” Lauren decided.

“Finally. Let’s go already!” Trevor yelled.

The 10 agents left through the auxiliary entrance, leading to a hidden alcove on the outskirts of the city. “Any ideas where 682 could be?” Marie asked. At that moment, the ground trembled from the roar of something massive a mile away, loud enough to feel every bit of malice and hatred.

“That might be a start.” Tristan suggested, with the group running off in the direction of the noise.

After a half hour, they encountered a reptile about the size of a bus. Its skin was mottled green, covered in matted gray-white fur that looked coarse to the touch. Its tail took up a quarter of its length, tapering off into a lethal-looking point. Its four legs resembled grossly discolored miniature tree trunks, with massive claws that could, and many times had, disemboweled a human without a second thought.

Despite its fur covering the thing’s eyes, they could still feel the animosity, contempt, and disgust emanating from every pore of its gargantuan, deadly body. Its mere presence felt inherently wrong, as though it didn’t belong in any plane of existence.

When SCP-682 spoke, its voice was a guttural growl, so loud and deep that it caused those around it to feel as though the ground itself was shaking beneath them. “Ah, there you are. I was wondering when you scientists would show up.” Every syllable out of 682’s massive maw, filled with hundreds of foot-long sharply-pointed teeth, was filled with unfathomable rage at the mere existence of the creatures before it.

The beast charged at the mortals, fully intent on killing and devouring them whole, as it had done so many times before. Dr. Clef moved to the front of the group, staring dead-on at 682.

The monster stopped, uncanny in how abrupt it ceased its run. The agents could still feel how much it wanted them to perish, but it merely stayed there, as if paralyzed by Clef’s gaze. “Now! The chains!” the doctor shouted, still keeping his eyes on the eldritch reptile.

Tristan pulled a mass of chains out of a bag, throwing some to his brothers, Bright, and the native agents. Despite how heavy they were, the team of nine ran around 682, wrapping the chains around its neck, legs, and tail.

Dr. Bright in particular wasn’t able to carry any chains because of his small monkey body, though he was able to jump around the lizard’s body and fire a foundation-enhanced shotgun at its tail, blasting off the sharp end so that Callie and Trevor could safely wrap their own chains around it, attaching them to the back legs.

After the group finished applying and attaching the chains to each other, Clef pulled a device out of his pocket. He tossed it down to activate a portal back to his own universe. SCP-682 roared in rage, shaking the air itself. Dr. Clef rolled his shoulders.“Well, it’s sure been ni...pleasa...”

“Interesting.” Thomas suggested, “It’s been very interesting, being here. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we really must get back to our own dimension.” The five of them, dragging the still-paralyzed 682 by its chains, walked through the portal before it closed behind them.

The five humanoid cephalopods stared ahead, at where the portal used to be. “Yeah, interesting. That’s one way to describe… whatever that was. I say we just go home and forget about this whole thing.” Marcus suggested.

The others all voiced their approval before departing to their respective residences. With the humans departed and the threat of SCP-682 neutralized as far as they were concerned, they could wait until their next mission, whenever it came.

Meanwhile, in another universe, Drs. Jack Bright, Alto Clef, and Trevor, Tristan, and Thomas Bailey settled back into their normal lives. SCP-682 was contained in its chamber, partially submerged in hydrochloric acid, stewing in its rage at being recaptured once again.

Chapter Text

An inkling walked down a hallway in the New Albacore Hotel in the middle of the night, after getting something from the snack shop. Something made him wary of the darkness surrounding him, and all the strange sounds of the night. He was fully aware his worry was entirely misplaced, yet he couldn’t shake the lingering sense of paranoia, as though something were watching him just out of sight? He shrugged, assuring himself, “Nah, it’s probably nothing.”

His own words did nothing to assuage his fear. Before he could turn around, something grabbed his head from behind hard enough that he felt as though it were being crushed. He tried to scream for help, but his voice cut off as a long, gangly hand emerged from his stomach, having impaled him from behind.

The inkling fell dead, only to immediately rise again as an eldritch creature.

“What is it this time?” Marcus asked Marie, after she had called an emergency meeting with the other agents.

“Agents, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. We’re dealing with a potential full-blown zombie epidemic.” Marie paced from left to right, noting the shocked expressions of her colleagues.

“Wait, zombies? You mean undead, living corpses that feed on the living in order to convert them into their numbers?” Lauren asked.

“No, agent 3. I mean politicians.” Marie continued to explain the situation, “Last night, hundreds of guests at the New Albacore Hotel fell victim to a disease that turned them into zombies. Right now, the entire building is quarantined and we’ve got a cover story that there’s been a gas leak. That leaves us to find a cure, but the only way to do that is to get a sample from one of the zombies. Any volunteers?”

The other four agents all stepped forth.

“Keeping in mind we can only send two of us since this is just a recon mission.”

Katherine raised her hand. “Marcus and I stayed there when I first moved here; while we were waiting for my bedroom to get ready at our place. Maybe we could go.”

Marie nodded. “Very well. You two seem to get along well, and I’d say you’ve more than proven yourselves over the past few months. Just remember, they’re still innocents, so only incapacitate them if they attack you. Understood?”

“Oh, please. You think we need to be told not to kill civilians? What kind of agents do you take us for?” Marcus asked his team’s leader.

“Good.” Marie smiled. “You set out now, agents 4 and 8.”

The teenagers nodded.

Marcus and Katherine sat in a helicopter across from Pearl and Marina. “So, I’ve got a kinda weird question. Do you think this might have something to do with that lizard monster from last week?” Marina asked.

“Huh. I hadn’t considered that. Now that you mention it, though-” Kat was interrupted by Marcus elbowing her shoulder, a clear signal to stop talking. “-Um, yeah, no, def-definitely not. Nope. No chance they have anything to do with each other. They’re as unrelated as two things that aren’t related.”

Marina rolled her eyes, but she was was too polite to point it out. Pearl, conversely, decided to pry further. “Alright. By the way, how did you get rid of that lizard? Plus, what was with that thing we called you about last night? I mean, you have to admit it’s all pretty suspect. A monster that disappears with as little explanation as it appears, some weird glowy-thing that I still don’t know anything about, and a hotel infested with zombies overnight, all in one week?”

Marcus had never been so relieved to see the hotel’s roof directly below them. “Oh, sorry. Looks like we’re at the drop zone.” He tried to hide his relief as he opened the helicopter door, dropping a rope ladder so he and Kat could infiltrate the building from above.

The two climbed down the ladder until they made it to solid ground. “Alright, explain. Why didn’t you tell them?” Katherine demanded, as the ladder was pulled back into the helicopter before it flew off.

“Isn’t it obvious? Those two have a news program, so if they find out about the humans, we run the risk of them becoming public knowledge. Who knows what could happen then?”

“What, you don’t trust them? I know you weren’t there, but they saved my life last month! They helped me save the world when that AI from the human era tried to wipe out all life, because he thought we weren’t worthy to inherit the planet!”

Marcus held his forehead, gasping in exasperation, “Look, I know they’re our friends, but they’ve also got a news show to run. Of course we can trust them so far, but if they reported on that lizard monster, what’s stopping them from reporting on something this massive?”

“Unbelievable.” Katherine tried to sound calm, but she was unabashedly furious at his paranoia. “They only reported on the lizard because we never requested for them not to, and who knows how many lives they saved doing so? Besides, we trusted them for this, so why not-”

“We only told them about the zombies so they’d airlift us here. Besides, we already have a cover story with the gas leak that everyone’s going to believe over a spontaneous zombie outbreak. Maybe if we figure out a cover story for the lizard, we can tell them then. Until we do, though, we keep it our secret.”

“Okay. You know what, it doesn’t matter right now. What’s important is we get one of the zombies and bring it back to base so we can get the cure. Transporters ready?”

They checked their transporters, wrist-mounted devices that would instantly take them back to base at the input of a code. Satisfied that the signals were online, they started searching. Unbeknownst to them, one zombie was hiding in the nearby pool, lying in wait.

The moment the agents came near the pool, the zombie launched itself out of the water. It grabbed Katherine, biting into her shoulder as she screamed in pain.

“Kat!” Marcus panicked, grabbing his splatling and firing at the zombie. He stopped the second it was off Katherine so as to spare its life. Marcus ran over to the unconscious octoling, who’d already started showing signs of conversion. Her skin was slowly turning a mottled, gangrenous black-green, spreading down her arm and under her shirt.

“No no no, stay with me Kat. Just think alive thoughts.” He entered the code on her transporter, teleporting her back to base, before setting down a beacon and doing the same for himself.

The moment Marcus’s molecules reconstituted, he could feel the confusion and worry of the other three agents. “What happened? What’s wrong with Kat?” Callie almost sounded scared.

“She got infected.” Marcus explained succinctly.

“What!? How could you let-”

“Hey, wait a second, Cal.” Marie tried to hold her cousin back, struggling against the physical strength that came from her years of being a roller user. “Maybe we can use this to our advantage; it means we have a specimen to get the cure from.”

While Marcus was holding Katherine back, a portal opened in the middle of the group. “Ah shoot, here we go again.” Lauren lamented as an unfamiliar human stepped out of the portal. Following him was a quadrupedal creature, covered in golden fur with a long tail attached behind it.

“Oh. So you’re the ones the Baileys met.”

“Sorry, but who are you?” Lauren demanded, “And in case you didn’t notice, we’ve got stuff of our own to worry about.”

“Well, good morning to you too. If you must know, I am Dr. Kain Pathos Crow and he is Dr. Kondraki.” the dog answered.

“Why is the dog talking? That dog shouldn’t be talking. Right? I’m pretty sure dogs didn’t talk.” Marie questioned.

“They usually don’t, but I used to be a man before an experiment made me this way.”

“Seriously?” Marcus grunted, still restraining Katherine, “A human-turned-dog by an experiment? This is starting to sound like a bad comic book plot.”

“Oh, sure. Dimensional portals, giant lizards, zombie hordes, that’s all fine. But a talking dog is where you draw the line?” Kondraki scoffed.

“Yeah, gotta admit, it’s been kind of a week.” Callie acknowledged.

“Spill it, Kondraki. What’s the story with the zombies?” Marcus snapped.

“I’m afraid even we don’t know. I was monitoring a sample of SCP-008 when it disappeared from the containment chamber. After we got the entire site on lockdown, the site director managed to track the lost strand to this dimension. He was going to let it stay here and fester, but I managed to reach a compromise with him. I was allowed to come and contain the virus with a supply of the cure, but as you can see, I wasn’t given an ideal assistant.” Crow exposited.

“Hey, I’ll have you know I once threw cat pee on a vampire!” Kondraki defended himself.

“Yes, and then you rode 682 around Site-19, nearly destroying one of our biggest facilities in the process.”

“You rode the lizard monster?” Marcus yelled, “You’re either the craziest guy I’ve met, or the bravest!”

“I assure you, it’s just the former. Anyway, we didn’t come here out of the goodness of our hearts. I just believe in the Foundation’s mission statement of containing anomalies unless it’s absolutely impossible for whatever reason. In this case, I presumed that recontainment was possible, so here we are.”

“Foundation? Site-19? Let me guess, you guys are part of some sort of organization, aren’t you?” Marie asked of the two scientists.

“I’m afraid you’ve found out our little secret.” Kondraki smirked, “Or at least, what we’re letting you find out. Now, I’m guessing she’s the lucky first patient?” He gestured to Katherine, still being held back by Mark. He pulled out a small plastic can of pills, tossing one directly into Katherine’s mouth.

Katherine started choking, until falling over. She stood up, clutching her head and groaning in pain, “What… what happened?”

Marcus embraced Katherine, knocking her breath out. “You’re alive! You’re not a zombie!” He turned to the scientists. “Thanks so much!”

“What the- oh no, there’s more of them.” Katherine noticed Kondraki and Crow, evidently realizing she’d missed out on several key developments.

The agents spent a few minutes informing Katherine on the events following her infection. Dr. Crow told the group, “I’m afraid that our supply of the cure is severely limited. We only have 47 pills. Now, how many are infected?”

“About, I think, 500.” Marie estimated.

“Alright. You guys got nukes in this universe?” Kondraki suggested.

“We are not nuking another hotel!” Kain barked.

“It doesn’t have to be a nuke. Enough regular bombs ought to do the trick.”

“We are not destroying the hotel! Not an option.”

“Oh, I know!”

“Lauren, you got an idea? Cause if so, I’d really like to hear it.” Katherine responded.

“Okay, hear me out. What if we put a bunch of ground-up pills into our weapons, and then fired them at the zombies? Not enough to endanger them of course, but enough to cure them.”

Kain clacked his nails against the ground in thought. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea. We’ll give you each a dozen pills to grind up. With any luck, that should be able to cure-”

“I just feel like I should point out that my weapon is actually a melee weapon, so I won’t be able to join in on the fun. Will that change anything?” Callie piped up.

“Oh, yes, that means you’ll each get 3 dozen pills. Hopefully, I’ll be able to explain all the missing ones to the higher-ups.” Dr .Crow explained.

“Y’know, for someone who isn’t doing this out of the goodness of his heart, you sure do seem willing to provide resources to help us.” Marie pointed out.

“Yeah, well, Kain here said that if we could limit the spread of the virus, it’d be easier to contain or something like that.” Kondraki retorted before tossing the pill jar over to her.

“ Are you sure this’ll work?” Marcus asked.

“No, but I’m afraid it’s the best we can do.”

“Well now, ain’t that reassuring. Callie, stay here with these two-” Marie gestured over to Kondraki and Crow. “-and whatever you do, don’t let them outside. It was risky enough with the other guys, and now we’re headed to a public area.”

“You got it.” Callie affirmed.

“The good new is, I set up the recon beacon at the hotel rooftop, so the transporters should teleport us there. We can transport back in case things go south. The bad news is that we’ll need you two mammals here for the same reasons.” Marcus told the 6 others.

Dozens of zombies wandered around the rooftop, mindlessly shambling. The second the agents teleported in, they were swarmed by the undead. They all readied their weapons. “Well? Was there this many when you first got here?” Marie loaded her charger.

“No, it was practically just me and Kat.”

“Maybe the one that bit me got his friends up here!”

“I doubt they’ve got that kind of agency.” Lauren pointed out, “I’m willing to bet they operate on some kind of hive mind.”

“Whatever the case, we have a mission.” Marcus readied his rapid-fire splatling gun, “Let’s cure these suckers!” The four agents readied their weapons, charging at the zombies with intent to cure.

“So, what’s the deal with this Foundation you guys work for?” While the other agents were out on what she’d decided to call ‘The Battle of New Albacore’, Calllie had decided to try striking up a conversation with the personnel from the other universe.

“Well you see-”

Crow bit the hem of his shirt, snapping, “Kondraki! Don’t tell her too much!”

“Oh, please. It’s not like it matters in this dimension.” He quickly turned to face Callie. “Say, you guys don’t have interdimensional capabilities, do you?”

“Uh, no. Up until last week, the idea of alternate universes was a hypothetical at most.”

Kondraki spat on the ground. “Believe me, kid, if my hunch is right, you’ll wish it stayed that way.” Kondraki told her.

“Kid?! And why? What’s your hunch?”

“Well, my tentacle-haired little friend, considering the way that 008 spontaneously disappeared, only to reappear in this dimension, it seems entirely likely that 682 entering this universe may have caused some sort of dimensional imbalance.”

“Yes, well, what about the time we sent it to another dimension attached to 507? Nothing of this sort happened then.” Dr. Crow pointed out.

“True. But last time, we didn’t send in five researchers after it.”

Callie’s mouth fell open. “So you’re saying that your own actions inadvertently caused a transdimensional paradox in the space-time continuum that can only be fixed by reversing the flux capacitors utilizing multimodal reflection sorting?”

The two scientists stared at Callie, dumbfounded.

“What? I wanted to sound smart. Did it work?”

“No. Just… just stop. Please, just stop. Now.” Kondraki stated bluntly.

“Much as I hate to interrupt this truly thrilling conversation, we should discuss the implications of Kondraki’s theory.” Kain tried to get the trio back on track, “If he’s correct, and I suspect he may unfortunately be, then the barrier between our dimensions might be in the process of gradually breaking down as a direct result of an extra-dimensional being such as SCP-682 entering this dimension, as well as several foundation researchers.”

“Meaning…?”

“Meaning that a whole bunch of SCPs are going to start invading your reality, until our two universes collide with each other and get annihilated in the process.” Kondraki explained nonchalantly.

“Oh, okay. Just excuse me a sec.” Callie casually walked into the nearby shack, where she proceeded to clear her throat before screaming in abject horror.

The battle of New Albacore had rendered the entire building covered in various hues of ink. Marie’s charger was painfully slow, so she had to compensate by trying to shoot multiple zombies at once. At one point she jumped off a banister on the middle of a staircase, swinging on a chandelier with her legs while firing upside-down, striking 4 zombies with a single burst of ink.

Lauren’s splattershot had a much better firing speed, but the sub-par range meant she had to get fairly close to her targets. She fired yellow ink into a zombie while hooking her arm around its neck, pivoting around it.

Katherine’s dualies allowed her to target multiple zombies at once, but had a below-average firing speed. She backflipped over multiple zombies in a row, shooting them two at a time.

Marcus was doing by far the most damage to the hordes, as his splatling combined a decent range with great firing speed. However, it took a while to recharge after each shot, meaning he had to keep his distance regularly.

“So, agent 4.” Marie started, whacking a zombie in the head before curing it. “You seemed awfully relieved when agent 8 was cured. Plus, with you two living together, is there something going on between you?”

Marcus fired the cure into a dozen more zombies before answering, “No! I mean, I guess I kinda think of Kat as more than a friend since we live together, but definitely not like that!”

“Whatever you say, kid.” Marie disappeared into the battlefield as they continued.

After several hours of fighting, the agents stood at the entrance of the hotel, exhausted and covered in green, yellow, and purple ink. “Okay, everyone was unconscious, so there shouldn’t be much trouble with the cover story.” Marie decided.

“Yeah, and the ink stains can be explained with temporary gas-leak-induced psychosis.” Lauren added, “Although I still don’t get how you convinced Pearl and Marina to provide transport without spilling the beans.”

Marie shrugged, with a small smile. “I told them it was official squid sisters business. So kinda the truth, but not the whole truth.”

“I still don’t like the idea of lying to them. Pearl and Marina are practically honorary members of the New Squidbeak Splatoon; they shouldn’t be kept in the dark about these things.”

Marie squeezed her subordinate’s shoulder. “I get where you’re coming from, but I’ve decided that the risk would outweigh the reward right now. We can discuss this later, but first things first, let’s get back home. Okay?”

Katherine clenched and unclenched her fists a few times. “Okay.”

After making sure no one could see them, the four agents activated their transporters to teleport back to their headquarters.

Callie was shuddering and muttering incomprehensibly, while Drs. Crow and Kondraki were sitting on the couch eating popcorn. While most of the agents were shocked at the sight, Marie sighed, “Oh, for the love of… Callie, you didn’t look up our pictures on the internet again, did you? You remember what happened last time.”

“What did you two do to her?” Marcus crossed his arms.

“Oh, I just told her that your entire dimension is at risk of being destroyed from an influx of SCP items, caused by the earlier incursion of 682, a being from another plane of existence.” Kondraki explained, “Popcorn? I’ve bet Crow 5 bucks that she’ll recover in another 20 minutes. He’s got 20 on an hour.”

Chapter Text

“Oh, I’m sorry. What!?” Lauren screamed, ignoring how it burned her throat, “You mean to tell me our entire dimension is going to die?!” She tried to sound calm, but still shook with fear and rage. “Why are you two so calm about it? Your universe is in danger too.”

“Oh, please. Do you honestly think this is the first time we’ve had to flee a universe before it was destroyed? Please.” Kondraki rebutted.

“I...bu..., well, good for you two that you can just flee between dimensions at a moment’s notice, but we’re not so lucky! We need to figure out a way to stop this, and you two aren’t leaving until we do!”

“My apologies, child, but you can hardly keep us here.” Kain argued.

“Wait, you said you were here to contain that zombie virus, so if any more of your ‘SCPs’ show up...” Katherine tried to convince them.

“Very well. I suppose we can stay, at least until we’ve contained enough items.” Dr. Crow conceded.

“A week, at most. Maybe a month if the food’s good.” Kondraki decided.

“Alright, fair enough. I’ll grab something from outside. Trust me, you’ll love it.” Marcus offered. As he was walking out, he saw a strange object near the mirror. When he went to investigate, he noticed it was a small red disk with strange symbols engraved on it. “What the… is this another-” Before he could finish, he fell into the mirror.

“Mark! What happened!? Explain, now!” Callie demanded.

“Okay first off, Crow owes me a fiver. Second off, it looks like your little friend just fell into SCP-093, an alternate dimension where he’ll most likely be ripped apart by undead kaiju. Not to worry, though. I have an idea.”

“Oh, hell no! Last time you had a plan, you caused a dozen different containment breaches in the process of fixing one!” Kain argued, “You nearly wiped out one of our most important sites!”

“Hey, I got them all back, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but only after most of the site was destroyed and the nuclear failsafe nearly had to be deployed! This time, let me do the planning.”

“Okay, fine then.” Kondraki reluctantly, bitterly accepted, “What’s your plan?”

“I’m glad you’re finally seeing sense. First things first, I suggest we send your friend some help, preferably from somebody who’s been to that universe and survived. Namely, Lord Blackwood.”

“Cool. Who’s Lord Blackwood?” Katherine asked the dog, crossing her arms and glaring down at him.

“No one much. Just a telepathic sea slug who fancies himself a 19th-century British explorer.”

“Oh. Of course; that makes too much sense.” Marie snarked.

“Good plan and all, but how do you plan to get Blackwood? Last I checked, he was locked up in site-19.”

“Kondraki, have you forgotten that I’m a level 4 operative? All I have to do is sneeze in the guards’ general direction and they’ll let me in.”

“Okay, so why not send me then? I’m also level 4.”

“I don’t mean you any undue disrespect, Kondraki, but this requires subtlety so as to not draw suspicion to what we’re doing here. You just so happen to have all the subtlety of an explosive hammer.”

Kondraki raised his hand, as if to argue, before stopping himself. “You know what? That’s fair.” He dropped a device on the floor to activate a portal. Dr. Kain Pathos Crow walked through the portal to find lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood.

Marcus found himself in a wide desert expanse, right next to a steep cliff face. He decided to look out over the cliff, and immediately regretted it from what he saw.

The creature was about 500 feet long and 100 feet tall. It walked on hands attached to arms whose lengths seemed to fluctuate as they moved, dragging its legless torso along the sand-covered ground. Its skin was uncannily pale, and its face lacked any visage, instead being a blank surface that wandered about the landscape aimlessly.

Marcus dove backwards, ducking behind some ruins to avoid being sighted. Even though the creature didn’t have any eyes to see with, nose to smell with, or ears to hear with, it was perfectly capable of hunting down food.

Desperate to avoid the extradimensional horror, Marcus turned and ran to the other side of the cliff.

After hundreds of miles, Marcus approached the remnants of a barnyard. There were no surrounding features; the fence had disappeared long ago, and all that remained of the livestock was a few bone piles. The front wall of the barn had collapsed, along with part of the roof.

Marcus had encountered a half dozen of the eldritch kaijus along his travels, barely escaping presumably unnoticed each time. Exhausted and desperate for anywhere to rest and hide, he ran into the barn.

Marcus sat on an old mattress on a bed frame to rest. The bare mattress was hard as a rock from lack of care, and was one of the only furnishings in the room.

After a few hours of laying on the bed, continually trying and failing to fall asleep, Marcus noticed a hatch on the floor. Curious as to what it might be, he decided to investigate. The handle on the hatch barely moved when he pulled, forcing Marcus to use all his strength to open it. When he did, a strange, musky smell wafted into the room, like the culmination of decades of rot and decay.

Coughing and rubbing his eyes, the inkling climbed down a ladder that had long ago turned brown from rust, ignoring the cold and bugs that nearly covered his hands. He moved slowly to avoid the jagged, broken pieces of the rungs until he touched the ground.

There was a minimal amount of natural light from outside, and the light switch had gone dead long ago. After feeling around in the darkness for some time, Marcus eventually found a flashlight and batteries. Marcus returned to the base of the ladder where the light was brightest, enabling him to install the batteries. He removed the cobwebs on the flashlight and found that it still worked, to his amazement and relief.

Marcus surveyed the room. It was stocked with various cans and containers of food, the majority of which were either rotted and infested with bugs, or already eaten. He continued walking and searching with the flashlight, until he found a pair of skeletons, covered in cobwebs.

Marcus nearly threw up, with a full-body shudder, and kept moving. The only thing he found was enough relatively safe-looking food to last him about a week if he rationed it properly, and a day’s worth of warm, stale water.

In another room, he found a bed with a crusty pillow and blanket. Marcus reluctantly covered himself and tried to fall asleep despite the cold and underlying fear that pervaded his entire being within the eldritch, monster-infested wasteland.

Chapter Text

Dr. Crow walked down the halls of Site-19. The researchers continued going about their jobs, paying him no mind while his claws rhythmically clacked against the linoleum floor. After several minutes, he came across SCP-1867’s containment chamber. “Pardon me.”

“Huh… Oh, Dr. Crow. I thought you were out on an assignment with Dr. Kondraki.”

“Never you mind that. I need to see SCP-1867. It’s urgent.” The guard opened the door without question. “Good work. And if you see whoever told you about me and Kondraki leaving, please turn them in to a superior officer. You weren’t supposed to know about it.”

When the door closed behind him, Dr. Crow noticed a medium-sized fish tank. Inside was a brightly-colored sea slug, crawling around the tank. When it noticed Crow, it spoke in a British accent, “Ah, Dr. Kain. I was wondering when you would come to speak with me again. What brings you here, old chap?”

“My apologies, SCP-1867, but you are needed urgently. Someone has fallen into a hostile alternate world, and you’re going to follow him in and help him return home.”

“Well now, finally an adventure worthy of my experience. And a rescue mission, to boot! Let it never be said that lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood turned down a request to aid those in need!”

“Does that mean you’ll go?”

“Of course it does, good doctor. What self-respecting naturalist such as myself would turn down an opportunity to explore a new world, and aid another in the process?”

“Very good, sir.” Kain activated the portal, taking the handle on Blackwood’s tank in his jaws and carrying it through the hole between dimensions.

“Well, whaddaya know? He actually made it.” Kondraki remarked.

Crow set Lord Blackwood’s tank down on the nearby table. “Don’t act so surprised.” He turned to the others, “Blackwood here has agreed to help your friend.”

“Good. Will you want any payment?” Marie asked the sea slug. “Wait, what am I saying? You’re a slug.”

“Pardon me, young woman! Don’t be ridiculous! I’m a naturalist, not a slug! And besides, I haven’t been on a good adventure in ages. I’ll be happy to return your friend home free of charge, provided I can find him of course. Say, you’re not quite human yourselves, are you?”

“Uh, no sir. Most of us are inklings, and Katherine here is an octoling. More importantly, can you get our friend back?” Lauren reminded him.

“Yes, yes of course I can. Now, where’d you last see him?”

Lauren pointed over to the remains of the broken mirror, where SCP-093 remained. “He’s in there. Apparently it’s some kind of alternate dimension.”

“Well, I say, I believe I recognize that artifact from the late 1870’s. Fortunately, I believe my experience in that world will help me retrieve your friend. No w tell me, what does he look like?”

Katherine held up a picture of their group from last month, pointing to Marcus. “Right here. His name’s Marcus. Please, I-I’m really worried about him. I just moved here, and he’s letting me stay at his place, and I’m not ready to live on my own yet.”

“By Jove , a colored picture! Will such wonders never cease? Now then, here’s my plan. While the mirror has been broken, the individual pieces can still be used to enter what I have dubbed the Land of the Unclean. However, the portal won’t operate on that side, so I’ll need the 6 of you to stay here and fix the mirror. That way, I can retrieve your friend Marcus and lead him back to the portal.”

“Good plan, but how’re you going to find him? I’m no expert in alternate universes, but it’s probably a big place.” Callie asked.

“Have faith in me, young one. I could scarcely call myself a naturalist were I not an expert tracker as well. No, my real concern is the unclean for which I have named this world. They are truly monstrous creatures, vulnerable only to the holiest of weaponry. If your friend has come across one and failed to hide, then I fear his chances of survival are naught.”

“Just how fast are these unclean?” Katherine nervously inquired.

“In a race with a bolt of lightning, I believe an unclean would win invariably. Now then, off I go.”

Dr. Kondraki took Blackwood out of his tank, placing him on the ground so he could crawl over to the red disk and enter the portal in the nearest mirror shard.

“Now then, I suggest you five start fixing that portal.” When Kain realized the others were giving him odd looks, he added, “Well? I’m a dog. How do you expect me to pick up mirror shards?”

Katherine shrugged. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

Day 7. Running out of food and water. No idea where civilization is, assuming there is any civilization here. Every time I try to leave, I’m scared away by one of those things. What are they? On second thought, I don’t want to know. I’m scared. I don’t know if I have any chance of survival. At least I didn’t have any arguments with my friends, so no regrets there. I’m sure they’ll be able to keep going without me. If not, the universe might be doomed.

Marcus put down the small book of blank papers he’d found, as well as the small pencil he’d been writing in. His attempts to keep a log of his experiences, in the hopes of distracting himself from his fear, had been met with mixed success because he didn’t have much to write about except his fear.

He walked over to the skeletons he’d encountered when he first found the bunker, trying once again to strike up another of their one-sided conversations. “So, you two come here often? Robert, did you build this place? I can’t imagine how long that must have taken.”

“Neither can I. Someone must’ve been planning months ahead.”

Marcus paused. “Huh. Never expected you guys to talk back.”

“That wasn’t them. Right here, child.” A voice with a British accent came from one of the eye sockets.

Marcus noticed a brightly-colored sea slug. “Who are you?” He asked.

“I go by the moniker of lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood. I take it you’re Marcus?”

“Yeah, last I checked. But how do you know my name, and why are you a slug?”

“Oh now don’t you go starting with that nonsense too. You look much too young to be drinking, especially so much you would think me a mere slug. I am the most distinguished adventurer and naturalist of the 19th-century, and I will not tolerate such disrespect. Now, as for your name and my knowledge thereof, I was sent to retrieve you. Your friends are currently fixing the mirror through which you entered, so that we may go back through the portal.”

Marcus found himself overjoyed. “Yes! I knew it! I knew they’d try and find me! But why’d they send you?”

“Most likely because they’d heard of my experiences in this realm, and of my other exploits over the years. For now though, we must escape this realm.”

Marcus winced. “Sorry, dude. I’ve tried to leave, but I keep seeing those giant monsters around.”

“Ah, yes, the Unclean. A most threatening adversary, indeed. Pray tell, do you have any holy weapons?”

Marcus looked around the dark and musky bunker. “Sorry. Fresh out.”

“Most unfortunate, though not unexpected. An Unclean may only be slain by such a weapon, so without any we’ll have to hide if we see one of those abominations.”

“Got it. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Blackwood thought for a moment. “Should be no more than a week or so, seeing as that’s how long it took me to get here.”

Marcus blanched initially, and then paid it a moment of thought. “Are you sure about that? Because it only took me half a day to get here.”

“Well now, how odd. I wonder how that could be.”

“Yeah, I wonder.” Marcus rolled his eyes. “Anyway, let’s get out of here.” Marcus picked up Lord Blackwood and climbed back up the ladder. Once he’d gotten back to the surface, he sprinted in the direction he’d come from, making sure to avoid the unclean.

After half a day, the inkling and the sea slug finally caught sight of the portal. “Very good, my boy! I say, you could make a truly fine adventurer!” Blackwood congratulated jubilantly.

“Yay...” Marcus’s voice trailed off in exhaustion.

“Now all that’s left to do is- by Jove it’s spotted us!” Blackwood screamed in terror, “Run boy! Run like hell!”

The Unclean on the steep side of the cliff had let out a screech as though from a thousand tortured souls and started running at the two, covering hundreds of feet with each second.

Despite the portal only being a few feet away, the Unclean had nearly caught up with them by the time they reached it.

The second before Marcus jumped through with Lord Blackwood in hand, the Unclean swiped at him with its massive hand, missing by less than an inch. As soon as he was through the portal, he picked up his splatling gun from nearby, and threw it at the mirror.

The Unclean was already passing through to enter their dimension.

Chapter Text

“Everyone, run, now! We haven’t much time!” Blackwood commanded the group as Marcus dropped him into his tank, refit the lid, and gripped the handle before running off with Callie, Marie, Lauren, Katherine, Dr. Kondraki, and Dr. Crow.

While the 4 inklings and the octoling, human, dog, and sea slug were escaping through the base’s auxiliary entrance, the unclean’s gigantic form was entering through the portal. Only once the group had arrived on the surface did the agents realize they’d allowed the humans into a public area. “Oh, oh no. We have to hide you guys, now.” Marie panicked, swiveling her head to look around for somewhere to hide the humans. Before she could find anything, a massive hand burst out of the ground, causing a geyser of stone to erupt. The hand was holding the entire shack from the base.

The crowd of civilians scattered, screaming in confusion and fear while others were scared into silence. The hand launched the shack across the square, shattering and breaking the front wall of the news studio.

While the other hand emerged several dozens of feet away, the group of 8 sprinted into the center of the square, having forgotten any concerns of secrecy. “Hey, guys, look!” Katherine gestured to the edge of the square, at a building with an IKEA sign. “That building wasn’t there before, was it?”

One of the hands moved across the square, destroying a swath of buildings.

“Who cares? Let’s move!” Marcus ran through the square.

“Wait, wasn’t this…?” Kain wondered aloud as they entered the store. “Wait… oh no. I just remembered, this is the infinite IKEA. We’ve doomed ourselves to an eternity in here!”

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic.” Marcus scoffed, “It’s not like we’re trapped or anything; the exit’s right over...” He realized the exit was no longer where he was pointing. It had been replaced with endless rows of shelves. “...there. Hoo boy.”

“Come, fellows. We must continue forth, and see if we can’t find some way out.” The group followed Blackwood’s advice, walking down the aisle.

After several hours, they encountered a tall humanoid creature, with long gangly limbs. It turned around, revealing its lack of a face. “Excuse me, but the store is closed at this time. Please exit and return when we reopen in the morning.” Its voice sounded eerily calm.

Katherine stepped forward, extending her hand to the creature. “Actually, we’re just looking for the exit. If you could point us towards-”

The humanoid ran at the group, claws extended. Katherine backflipped out of its way, firing her dualies at its head. Marcus ran at the thing, ducking under its blind strikes until he got close enough to swing his splatling gun at its stomach. The blow winded the creature, giving Kain enough time to jump on top of it. He kept it pinned to the floor while Callie crushed it with her roller and Dr. Kondraki finished it off with a single headshot. “Jolly good, dear fellows! I daresay we might just make it out of here alive yet.” Blackwood congratulated the 4.

“Yeah, thanks. Now come on, we have to find the other survivors.” Kondraki commanded them.

“Alright, but how do we get there?” Callie asked.

Kondraki thought for a moment. “I have no idea. We’ve never actually sent any manned explorations into here.”

“Oh, this is going to be one of those days, isn’t it?” Lauren groaned.

The squadron started wandering around the infinite building.

At the tenth frozen food aisle, they ducked behind the counter. A dozen of the humanoid creatures wandered around the aisle. “Great, because just one wasn’t enough. What are those things, anyway?” Lauren whispered to the dog.

“Those are the employees of SCP-3008, the infinite IKEA. According to the survivors’ logs we’ve recovered, they’re quite docile during the day, but at night, not so much.”

One of the employees apparently overheard their conversation, and screeched in their direction. The rest followed suit, and moments later they were all sprinting after the group. Despite Marcus, Lauren, Katherine, Marie, and Kondraki’s best efforts at shooting them, more kept coming.

“Loathe though I am to admit it, I believe we must retreat. I am typically not one to surrender so easily, but-what the Dickens are you doing?!”

Marcus had grabbed Blackwood’s tank and was now sprinting down the aisles, pursued by the rest of the group and a small army of ravenous IKEA employees. “Sorry man, but your old-timey talk is a lot less fun when we’re all about to get ripped apart!”

The group ran through the store, turning corners as a mass of claws stormed after them. “Man, these things make my ex look sane.” Marcus panted.

“Wait, your ex?” Katherine asked.

“I don’t tell you everything.”

After a few minutes, they found themselves at a dead end, with cardboard boxes stacked hundreds of feet past where the ceiling should have been. “This must be a survivor base!” Kondraki announced, grinning in relief.

“Are you sure, good fellow? I thought it a mere pile of boxes arbitrarily stacked together.”

“You’re kidding. Was that sarcasm? Coming from you, old Blackwood?”

“I am still capable of making a jest now and again, my good man.”

“We don’t have time for this!” Kain interjected. “Those things are almost on us!” He started pawing at the front of the fortification, shouting, “Let us in, now!”

A slit opened in front of him, revealing a pair of blue eyes. “Password?” The voice was clearly male, not that that mattered to anyone at the time.

“The password is screw you, let us in, we’re all going to die!” Kondraki shouted, knocking Crow away from the opening in the process.

“Sorry about that. Can’t risk letting outsiders in.”

“What if we aided you in fending off these savages?” Blackwood suggested.

“Now that might be another story.” The slit closed, and they could hear a faint voice, “Oi! We’ve got some newcomers who want to help us fight the employees!”

The group outside turned around. The employees had already caught up to them. “Alright team, help or no help, It’s time to stand our ground!” Marie shot her charger at the employees, knocking over a small group of them in the process. Within a few seconds, they all got up, ready to keep attacking.

Marcus shot a swift, punishing round with his splatling. Kondraki aimed his shotgun, filling their heads with bullets. Kain had to get closer to start biting and clawing at them, while Callie used the size of her roller to her advantage, knocking over one or two at a time.

Lauren and Katherine were able to keep their distance, but weren’t able to do as much damage as the others. Lord Blackwood, being a slug, was only able to shout encouragement. They continued for about 15 minutes, yet the employees kept coming.

Eventually, the group started to tire out. Kondraki, Kain, Lauren, and Katherine were able to keep going with their more lightweight weapons, while Marcus, Callie, and Marie used heavier weapons that tired them out faster. When Callie was about to get mauled from behind, she heard the sound of a rifle firing. The employee lay dead before her in the next second.

At the entrance of the survivor base, a dozen people carried various weapons. “Behold, companions! Reinforcements have arrived! Our salvation is at hand!” The dozen survivors joined the group in fighting the employees, picking up the slack and helping them cut down all the creatures within minutes.

By the time they were finished, dozens of corpses littered the aisle. “There’ll be more of them. Come inside, now!” One of the newcomers, presumably the guard, commanded them. The others complied. As soon as they were inside, Kondraki slammed the door shut while one of the other survivors locked it.

“Alright, is everyone fine? Good! Welcome to the firearm tribe!” The leader of the tribe greeted them.

“Funny, I wasn’t aware IKEAs had firearm sections.” Kondraki pointed out.

Marie rebutted, “Are most IKEAs infinite and filled with zombies? Actually, we don’t have these in our world.”

Kain ignored their debate. “Greetings, my new friends. I am-”

“Why is the dog talking?” One of the tribe members asked, staring at Kain.

“You live in an infinite store filled with undead abominations. At this point, I’d think a talking dog shouldn’t be that weird to you.” Lauren pointed out.

“Fair enough. Say, you’re not human, are you?”

At that point, Katherine decided to enter the conversation. “Well, we’re pretty sure he’s human-” She pointed to Dr. Kondraki. “-but I’m an octoling, and the others are inklings.”

“Fascinating. I can’t say I’ve heard of such a species.” A new voice piped up.

“Yeah, well, we’re actually from another dimen- HEY!” One of the firearm tribe members had grabbed Katherine’s hair to study it. Startled, Katherine turned and bit his arm.

“Sorry, sorry! I just wanted to study you!”

“At last! A fellow man of science! Though perhaps it might be more pertinent to gain permission when studying a sentient organism.”

Kondraki merely shrugged with an odd look on his face.

“Hold it, the slug talks too?” Another tribesman asked.

“Slug? I beg your pardon? I am Lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood, famed naturalist and explorer of Great Britain. I will not tolerate such demeaning slurs, even from someone who has saved me from the unholy inhabitants of this wretched place.”

“Just humour him, man. Trust me, it’s easier that way.” Marcus whispered to him.

“I… alright, I will.”

“Just out of curiosity, what exactly sort of studies do you want to do on me?” Katherine asked.

“Oh you know, standard IQ tests, some blood samples, physical examination, dissecting you to study your organic structure.”

Katherine stepped away. “I’ll pass.”

“Well obviously I’d pay you. Of course, our entire currency is built on trade with the other tribes.”

“Hold up? Other tribes?” Callie asked hopefully.

“Oh yeah, there’s a bunch of them. Exchange and returns, checkouts, aisle 630, self-serve, LEGO, household tools, bedroom furniture, kitchenware, camping supplies; there’s dozens of tribes all over. Most of us are on friendly terms since the staff give us all a common enemy. Plus, all the supplies get restocked at night and this place is literally infinite, so it’s not like there’s any reason to fight over resources or territory.”

“Fascinating. What a remarkable example of human sociology, and the resilience of the species in the face of crisis.” Lord Blackwood replied.

“Yeah, something like that. Anyway, I suppose we ought to introduce ourselves. I’m shotgun, the leader of the firearm tribe. You see, we’ve all forgotten who we once were, so we’ve taken on new names. My companions go by Med Kit, Lawnmower, Bathroom Sign, Ottoman, Wide-Screen TV, Loveseat, Mahogany Table, Vacuum Cleaner, Foldable Chair, Automatic Rifle, and Elmer.” He pointed to each of his fellows in turn.

“I take it Elmer’s still got his memories.” Kain presumed.

“Nope.” one of the firearm tribesmen announced. “They just found me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue stuck to my forehead.”

“Do I even want to know how the rest of you got your names?” Lauren asked.

“Most of us are named after the furniture we were found near.” Med Kit replied, “I just happen to be the closest thing to a medic around here, and I was found in the first-aid section. Funny how that works out, isn’t it?”

“Pardon my query, but if you were located in the first aid section, should you not be living in the town there?”

“I used to, but the town was destroyed by the employees a few weeks ago. I was one of the few people who managed to escape. They only just started to rebuild it.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Hey, wait a second! I just got an idea! Marie, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Callie asked her cousin.

“Of course I am. And since we’re in an infinite IKEA, we should have no problem gathering a dozen rolls of toilet paper, some hand sanitizer, and a few cans of soft drinks.”

Everyone stared at Marie blankly. Callie replied, “No, just… just no. I’m thinking we should form an alliance of a dozen or so tribes, revolt against the staff, and find a way out of this dump!”

“Great plan, genius, except you forgot one thing.” Marcus pointed out, “This is an infinite IKEA. The operative word being ‘infinite’.”

“Actually…” Ottoman countered him, “There have been sightings of people who found the exit and managed to escape that way. The door teleports randomly, though, so there’s no way to track it down.”

“Well now, if this store truly is infinite, then this doorway outside may very well be at any location at any time. I daresay, it could take perhaps months-years, even-to procure it.” Lord Blackwood’s words carried a certain weight of dread to them.

Marie piled up some stray soap boxes, standing on top of them and shouting, “Alright, listen up! I know the odds are against us getting out. But people have done it before, haven’t they?”

“Yes, actually. In fact, most of our knowledge about this place comes from a journal we recovered from someone who escaped shortly before being mauled to death by a member of staff.”

“I’m just going to ignore that last bit.” Marie continued, “Anyway, here’s the plan: Everyone who was here before my group got here, split up and take some sort of communication devices with you. Each of you, go to a different tribe and tell them we’re making an alliance at the firearm tribe. Any questions?” She saw a raised hand. “Yes?”

Automatic Rifle replied, “Since the staff are docile by day, I figure we should leave then, and take the walkie-talkies we have nearby. As for your group, I’d recommend you use the time to go looking for food and water.”

“Sounds great! Any more suggestions- Marcus, these soap boxes can’t support two.”

“Relax, I just want to ask everyone a question.” Marcus turned to address the firearm tribe. “Is there any reason why we’re only just now doing this?”

Bathroom Sign piped up, “Maybe we just didn’t think of it.”

Marcus facepalmed. “How long have you guys been here?”

“Anywhere from 8 to ten years.” Med Kit answered.

“You guys have been here a decade, and you never once thought to team up with the other tribes? No wonder you guys went extinct.” Marcus deadpanned.

“Okay, well, great insight, really good stuff.” Marie pushed him off the box pile. “Now, if there are no more questions...” she paused for a few seconds to no answer. “Alright, everyone do whatever it is you do at night. We leave in the morning.”

After that, most of the tribe went off to the two makeshift sleeping quarters. The inkling and octoling agents went in the same quarters as Med Kit and Elmer, while Kondraki, Crow, and Blackwood opted to help shotgun and Automatic Rifle keep watch for staff.

Katherine turned to Med Kit. “Hey, dissection dude. Are you ready for tomorrow?”

Med Kit replied, “Yeah, pretty sure I’m ready. Sorry about that, by the way.”

“Don’t worry; water under the bridge. Speaking of which, how’s the arm? Y’know, the one I bit?”

“I’m a medic, kid. Of course I’m fine.”

Marcus asked him, “So, when you say medic, do you mean doctor, vet-”

“Anatomy teacher, actually.”

“So you’re not an actual doctor, then.” The green-haired inkling accused him.

“Nah, I’m just the closest thing we’ve got in this tribe. Although I did once perform CPR on a hobo. I figure that counts for something.”

“Hey, not to sound rude, but your green friend seems really jaded about something.” Elmer added.

“Sorry, but spending a week in a post-apocalyptic alternate dimension filled with giant unkillable monsters can do that to a guy.”

“A week?” Callie sounded confused. “You were only gone for a few hours at most.”

Marcus shot up in bed, not even caring that he made himself dizzy from moving so fast. “You mean that I spent seven days holed out in a bunker, eating expired food and drinking stale water, with nothing but skeletons and bugs for company, and for you guys it was only a few hours?” His voice sounded like it was about to crack.

“I’m afraid so. Sorry about that.”

“Yeah. Okay.” He pulled his knees up to his chest, closing himself off.

“Hey, kid. We’ve been here for years, and personally, the only thing that’s kept me going is the sense of unity we all have.” Elmer replied, “I can’t imagine being alone for that long; I was found on my first day here.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure I’ll forget about it someday. And I’m sure you’ll all forget someday, after we’ve escaped.”

“Hey, I just realized something.” Katherine brought up, “If we escape, won’t we be releasing dozens of humans into our world?”

“Kat, think about it.” Lauren argued, “We’ve already got that Unclean thing running around out there. At this point, keeping the situation secret would only do more harm than good.”

“Wait, what’s an Unclean?” Med Kit asked.

“Giant, undead monsters. One of them followed me through the portal when I escaped from that other dimension. Honestly, part of me doesn’t even want to escape this place, because then I’ll have to see how much that thing’s destroyed.”

“We have to, though. It’s the reason our team exists, to protect our city no matter what.” Callie responded.

“I know; of course I know. You should, too, seeing as you’re the founder.”

“Nope. I may be agent 1, but my grandfather founded the group, and the original squidbeak splatoon from a hundred years ago. The one that fought in the great turf war.”

“Just to be clear, I have no idea what you two are talking about, but it’s fascinating.” Med Kit piped up.

“Oh yeah, I guess you wouldn’t really have any context to our history.” Katherine offered, “I could give you some of our history books, and some science articles. We’ve even studied our own anatomy so you don’t have to dissect anyone.”

“Thanks. You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Nope.” Kat chuckled, “But don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll all find some way to make it in our world. There’s plenty of uninhabited territory to establish a new settlement in.”

“Hey, I just realized something.” Marie sat up worriedly. “Lord Blackwood, the slug with the accent, said that the Unclean can only be killed by holy weaponry. I don’t suppose there’s any of that in here, is there?”

“No, I don’t think so. Sorry about that.” Elmer replied.

“Alright. Don’t worry, I’m sure we can find some way to get rid of it.” Lauren tried to assure them.

Unable to think of anything else to talk about, the seven of them drifted off to sleep within the hour.

The army had gathered in the center of the firearm tribe’s hideout. The entire place had been cleared out in preparation; they would all either escape or die trying. Hundreds of people from dozens of tribes had gathered from all over the store, and there was plenty of food and other essential supplies for the human inhabitants to bring with them into the new world.

“Wow. I only told you guys to recruit one tribe each.” Marie told Shotgun. They stood together in front of the army; the leaders of the firearm tribe and the new squidbeak splatoon both raised on a podium made of furniture pieces.

“We did. Turns out, some of them went and made recruitments of their own.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining. The more the merrier.” Marie turned to the rest of the alliance, along with Shotgun. “Alright, I’m sure you’re all wondering why we’re having this alliance. Well, first off, I want the others who I came into this place with to step up.”

Callie, Marcus, Katherine, Kondraki, Lauren, Crow, and Blackwood stepped up to the podium alongside Marie and Shotgun, with Blackwood’s tank being carried by Kondraki. Shotgun addressed the army, “We have all gathered today for one goal: escape!”

The main reaction was cheers, though some seemed skeptical or even apprehensive. “Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering one thing, though now you’re also probably wondering why the dog is talking. Well, I’ll leave that one up to the imagination.” Kain started, continuing, “You’re probably mostly wondering how we plan to get out. You see, we’ve discovered that this place does have an exit, it just teleports around randomly.”

Callie then continued, “Therefore, our plan is to go around the store, picking up anyone we can, be they individuals or entire tribes. Don’t worry about not having enough space in the new world; there’s thousands of miles of uninhabited territory outside the city limits. The different tribe leaders will join us as field commanders. If they would step up, please.”

All of the tribe leaders migrated to the makeshift podium; 50 of them now, including the 7 non-humans. The leader of Exchange and Returns announced, “Because larger numbers of staff are attracted to larger groups of people, it’s absolutely crucial that each of us carry a weapon that we’re at least familiar with. Since we’re in the firearm tribe, I figure now’s the time to arm yourselves.”

Dozens of people, including some of the leaders, left to get weapons before returning to position. Once that was finished, Shotgun shouted into the crowd, “Alright, everyone! Now who’s ready to escape this hellhole!” The response was unanimously positive. “Then we set out now!”

Inkopolis was in ruins. 24 hours ago, a creature had emerged from beneath the main square. It was a half-formed, legless and faceless colossus that dragged itself on its arms and destroyed all in its path without care or discrimination. The city had been evacuated within a few hours, but most of the square was in shambles. The casualties numbered in the dozens, and the damages were in the hundreds of millions.

Marina thought about all of this, while piloting a helicopter with her friend, Pearl, in the back. While the city was large enough that only a quarter of it had been destroyed, the creature was so massive that it would be able to reduce Inkopolis to rubble within a matter of time if allowed to continue unchallenged.

A century of peacetime meant the only military was the New Squidbeak Splatoon, which had seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth. “I can’t believe it’s all gone.” Pearl muttered.

Marina found it strange to hear Pearl sound so despondent. She decided to try and cheer her up. “Well, look on the bright side. At least mostly everyone got outside the city. Besides, I’m sure the agents will be back before long.”

“What if they’re not, though? What if that thing killed them already? What if there’s no way to kill it?! What if-”

“Enough, Pearl. We can’t afford to focus on what ifs. Our job is to report on damages. Are you ready to do that?”

“I...yeah. Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Good. Can you set it up? I’m kind of piloting right now.”

After about an hour, the head of the wilderness survival equipment tribe shouted, “I see the exit! Over there!”

Callie confirmed, “He’s right! Come on you apes, you wanna live forever?! Let’s go!”

The army charged at the exit, only to be blocked by a legion consisting of thousands of employees. They screeched their shrill wails, threatening to draw blood from the listeners’ ears.

Without hesitation, the coalition engaged the staff in savage combat. They’d picked up several other tribes on the way to the exit, meaning their numbers had increased substantially. Every one of them was armed, further enabling them to fight back against the staff.

A few dozen of the humans, as well as a few hundred of the employees, all fell. “Remember, we’re not trying to kill all the employees, we’re just trying to get through the exit!” The leader of the bedroom furniture tribe shouted.

Everyone complied by pushing through the throng of inhuman monsters. Eventually, they saw an opening in the enemy forces. They exploited the weak spot, rushing through the gap and finally making it out the door.

The army emerged outside of the Infinite IKEA. They were greeted by a smoking crater of ashes, which they couldn’t fully register as staff started pouring out of the exit. The tribesmen all engaged them in battle, while a rope ladder descended from a helicopter. Pearl’s voice followed it, amplified by a megaphone, “Get up here! We’re saving you, suckers!”

“Works for me.” Lauren decided.

The agents started climbing the ladder. Marie shouted, “Kondraki, Crow, Blackwood, you’re coming with us!” Kondraki followed them, while Kain had to hold the handle to Blackwood’s tank while carefully climbing with his paws.

Only when the agents got into the helicopter did they realize how much they’d have to explain. “What are they doing here? What’s going on? Where’ve you guys been? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everything’s gone insane!” Pearl yelled rapid-fire.

“Okay. I may have left a few things out of our last conversation.” Marcus started to explain, “But long story short, anomalies from another dimension are leaking into our reality, these guys are from that universe and they’re trying to help us contain the anomalies, and there’s an army of humans outside we just liberated from an infinite store dimension.”

Kondraki added, “Also, that thing that’s destroying your city is a kaiju from a different alternate dimension that can only be killed by holy weapons.”

Marina narrowed her eyes. “Well then, I don’t suppose any of you brought any holy weapons, did you?”

“I am afraid not, young miss. However, I do have a hypothesis that may prove advantageous.” Blackwood explained.

“And you’re just now telling us this?!” Katherine shouted, furiously, “You didn’t think we could use this information earlier?!”

“Well, I beg your pardon, but I believed we had more immediate concerns at the time. For example, escaping the infinite IKEA.”

“Focus. What’s the plan?” Marina asked, completely serious.

“Quite simple. You see, this creature is made of pure sin, or at least what the inhabitants of its dimension perceive as such. Therefore, with this universe’s inhabitants presumably having a different perception of sin, perhaps this creature is weaker here; susceptible to more conventional weaponry.”

Marcus looked out the window of the chopper. Entire swaths of buildings had been reduced to ruined flames, sending clouds of smoke into the sky and nearly blotting out the sun itself. “I dunno, Blackwood. I’m pretty sure a lot of civilians are going to perceive this as really sinful.”

“Ah, yes, but not the same particular sort of sin as that considered by the inhabitants of its native reality. Hopefully.”

“It’s worth a shot, at least.” Marina sighed, trying to calm her own panic, “I’ve got five hyperbombs, so they’re going to be our only chance. I’ll deploy them on the thing’s head and limbs, and then I’m going to need you five agents to activate them simultaneously.”

The agents all gave their confirmations. They managed to find the beast within minutes simply by following the trail of horrific destruction. “Alright, is everyone ready now? And followup question, what happened to Pearl?” Marina asked.

Kondraki poked the diminutive inkling woman in the arm. “I think she’s gone catatonic with shock.”

Marcus added, “Speaking of which, you seem to be taking this all surprisingly well.”

“Honestly, I kind of suspected you were hiding something. granted, I couldn’t have imagined the scale of it all, but I figured something was up.” Marina steeled herself, piloting the helicopter over the immense amalgamation of otherworldly sin. “Now remember, you need to activate all of the hyperbombs simultaneously. Otherwise, they won’t work.”

“Why’s that?” Katherine asked, “When we were using them against that AI last month, I activated them individually, and it worked out fine.”

“That’s because we were only using them to weaken the enemy, not destroy it like this time. See, I designed the hyperbombs so that if two or more are activated at once, it’ll cause a chain reaction, which will create a bigger explosion that’ll hopefully be big enough to destroy that monster.”

“How are we going to survive, then?!” Marcus yelled.

“I’ve put these guys on a timer, so after you activate them, you’ll have 30 seconds to contact me so I can retrieve you.”

The agents confirmed their readiness, and were dropped at the head and limbs at the same time as the hyperbombs. Each of them struck their respective bomb a dozen times with their weapons, as the unclean thrashed beneath them.

After she had struck her individual hyperbomb 12 times, Marie called the others. “Alright, everyone at twelve strikes each? Good. Now, I want you all to count to three before giving the final strike. Then, we’ll call in the chopper.”

Marcus shot his bomb with a round from his splatling.

Katherine shot hers with both her dualies.

Lauren fired her splattershot.

Callie struck hers with her roller.

Marie fired her charger.

Despite the shots all occurring simultaneously, Callie was the one who called Marina first. “Good news, we just activated the bombs! 20 seconds left!”

“Great! I’m right over you!” The ladder emerged out the window of the helicopter, passing over the agents as they grabbed on and started climbing in turn. They’d barely gotten halfway up when the bombs went off. The impact caused the ladder to sway until it was practically horizontal. The agents hung on, with their hands turning white from the pressure, until the ladder was finally still. They looked backwards.

The beast twitched around for a few seconds, partially obscured by bright purple smoke, before falling over, dead. “Wow. We actually did it. We killed that thing.” Marcus’s grin gave way to laughter. “YES! Shouldn’t have followed me through that portal, huh buddy?!”

The other agents started cheering until Kondraki yelled down to them, “Hey, kids! Get up here before I cut the ladder!”

The five of them complied, returning to the chopper within a minute. “Jolly good, my friends! You slew that wretched beast like true adventurers!” Blackwood congratulated them.

“Yeah. I’ll admit, that wasn’t half bad.” Kondraki grinned.

“Not half bad?” Pearl had recovered from her shock. “That was great! Everyone’s going to go crazy now that they can go back home!”

“Yeah, at least the ones who still have homes.” Marina lamented.

“I’ll donate to the rebuilding! We’ll get volunteers! This could bring the city together like never before! And there’s humans in Inkopolis now! Just think of all we could learn from them!”

“Glad to see you’re doing alright now.” Marina playfully punched her shoulder, grinning.

“Yeah, if by alright you mean kind of scary.” Marcus leaned back from Pearl’s excitement.

After no more than half an hour, the group found themselves in Inkopolis plaza. It was a 20-minute walk from the square, and had miraculously been spared from the destruction by the kaiju walking in the opposite direction. The 10 of them got out of the chopper and looked around the plaza.

“Man, I haven’t been here in years. Yo, Marina, ever seen this place before?” Pearl asked her co-host.

“No, I moved directly into the square after I left Octo Valley. So, this is the plaza I’ve heard so much about.”

“Yep. I’m getting nostalgic already.” Lauren breathed in the air. “It’s been a year since I moved away from this place along with the rest of the New Squidbeak Splatoon.”

“Yeah, but it looks like we’re going to have to move back into our old base.” Marie responded.

“Honestly, I’m just excited to see the old base. How ‘bout you, Kat?” Marcus nudged her shoulder.

Katherine shrugged. “I’ve never really thought about it. I guess it’d be kinda cool though.”

“First things first, we’ll have to do some cleaning since we abandoned it last year, but I’m sure we’ll get it done fast enough.” Callie turned around, walking backwards to address Pearl and Marina, “You two are free to stay if you want to become full members.”

“Even if you don’t want to join us, you’re probably going to need somewhere to stay and get new jobs for the time being.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I think we’ll just stay there as support.” Marina refused.

“Same. Sorry, but being a secret agent and fighting monsters isn’t really my thing.” Pearl confirmed.

The group arrived at the sewer grate that served as the main entrance. Marie informed Kondraki, Kain, and Crow where the other entrance was so that they could access the base themselves.

The five agents, Marina, and Pearl all entered the headquarters a few minutes before their interdimensional companions.

“I will bring SCP-1867 back to its chamber. No doubt his absence will draw suspicion sooner rather than later.” Kain proposed.

“Indeed, old chap. I believe my mission here is done, and what a grand adventure this has all been! I daresay I shall never forget you strange creatures!”

“Thanks. Can’t say I’ll forget you, either. Thanks for saving me from that other world, by the way.”

“Think nothing of it, my dear boy. I daresay anyone in my position or of my stature would have done the same. Now farewell, my fellows, and godspeed.”

Kondraki activated the portal. “I’d say it’s been fun, but that would be a lie.”

Kain turned around in front of the portal. “I’ll send Dr. Gears to aid you all. He’s knowledgeable in a great number of SCP items, and he’s one of the more level-headed employees of the Foundation. Not that it’s a high bar, but still.”

“Thanks! We could use the help!” Callie waved at the three, while they walked through the dimensional portal. It closed immediately.

The portal was replaced after several minutes, allowing a new human to emerge. “Hello. My name is Dr. Gears. I take it you’re the ones whose dimension is being plagued by SCPs?”

The agents hesitated, put off by the man’s apparent lack of emotion. Katherine was the first to continue the conversation. “Yeah, that’s us. The dog said you knew your stuff about these things.”

“My colleague made a wise decision. I have been working with the Foundation since its infancy, and as such I have significant insight. This will no doubt prove crucial.”

“Right. Which unimaginable horror are we going after first?” Lauren asked.

“Currently, the only missing SCP that I know of is SCP-140, a book which compels any individual who looks at it to write in it with their own blood, causing a temporal anomalous effect that retroactively brings a savage pseudo-human society closer to the modern era.”

“Great.” Marie groaned, “That’s all we need.”

Chapter Text

“Is it just me, or are we walking in circles?” Katherine asked. She’d been walking through the forest with Marcus and Lauren for the better pa rt of the day while the rest of the group stayed with Dr. Gears to monitor him in the base. “Sure I’m no tracker or navigator, but I’m getting a real ‘walking in circles’ vibe about this. Tell me you haven’t seen that tree earlier.”

Lauren scoffed, “Kat, we’re in a forest. There’s trees all over the place.”

“No, she might actually be onto something. Look. I was leaning on this tree earlier. It’s got a piece of my shirt on it from when I rubbed my back too hard. See?” Marcus turned around, revealing a small bit of exposed skin on the small of his back under the shirt. “Turns out tree bark doesn’t make for a good back scratcher after all.”

“Huh. Okay, Kat, I guess you’re right. Any suggestions where to go next?”

“How about… that way?” Katherine pointed in a direction they hadn’t gone in last time. “And remember, we can’t look at the cover of this book, at least not directly, or else we’ll fall under its spell .”

“Got it. And no splitting up.” Marcus insisted, “If we’re going up against something straight out of a horror movie, then we may as well learn from the mistakes of horror movie protagonists.”

“Works for me.” Katherine agreed, “Now, the way I see it, we’re best off heading that way until nightfall. Then, we can set up camp for the night.”

“It’s not a great plan, but it’s probably the best we’ve got right now. Lauren?”

“Same. Let’s go.”

The trio departed northwards. After a couple of hours, they found themselves in a clearing. “This looks like as good a place as any to set up camp. And not a minute too soon, either.” Marcus pointed at the rising half moon.

“Good call. Two of us will go to sleep, and the other will keep watch. We’ll go in shifts, and whoever’s watching should also look around to see if the SCP’s nearby.” Lauren instructed.

“I’ll stay up.” Marcus offered, “I don’t really feel much like sleeping.”

Katherine yawned, stretching her arms overhead. “No objections here.” She took the knapsack off her back and unfolded the blankets; just small enough to facilitate warmth without sacrificing mobility. “Lauren, get in.”

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna make this weird.”

Katherine burrowed in between the blankets. “It’s only as weird as you make it. Now get in here and sleep with me so we can be rested in the morning to hunt down an evil time-altering history book.”

While the girls were sleeping, Marcus wandered around the perimeter of the clearing, keeping his eyes down to search for SCP-140. At some point, he started climbing trees to get a better look. By the time he was nearly done with his shift, the most disturbing thing he’d seen was two birds mating in the tree on the other side of the clearing.

Just as Marcus was about to get down and exchange shifts, he saw a human appear nearby. “G uys!” He yelled down from the branch, “Wake up; there’s a dude!”

Lauren and Katherine sprung up and tackled the man to the ground. “Hey, what the-” he started, just as Marcus jumped out of the tree behind him.

The 20-foot drop forced Marcus to roll on the ground in order to break his own fall. “Hey, teleporter. Mind telling us how you got here?”

“We don’t have time. He can teleport, remember?” Lauren pointed out sleepily.

“Who are you kids? What is this?”

“We’re trying to get you to the Foundation.” Kat told him.

“What? Don’t tell me they’re recruiting kids!”

“Not exactly. We’re just temps until their reality stops leaking into ours. That’s why we have to get you back to them. Dr. Gears is at our base.”

“Hey, don’t worry about me. I’ll just teleport again, and eventually I’ll find myself back at the Foundation like always.”

“A likely story.” Katherine argued.

The strange man ripped himself out of the teenagers’ collective hold. “It’s likely because it’s true!”

“Now, guys!” Lauren grabbed the other arm, while Marcus ran over and grabbed the back of the man’s shirt.

The dimension-jumper screamed, “No! You can’t! There’s no telling when I’ll-” he was interrupted when he teleported, taking the other three with him.

Chapter Text

Item #: SCP-8888

Object class: Euclid uncontained (see addendum 8888.3)

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8888 is currently contained in 3 separate chambers in site-100. Each chamber is located 100 feet away from the other two in order to prevent the SCP-8888 instances from communicating to escape. Each chamber has the following furnishings:

1. One (1) bed.
2. A means to access food and water milk now used as a hydration source. (See description)
3. One (1) carpet

If an SCP-8888 instance escapes its chamber, 5-10 available agents will be called to reestablish containment, with their main priority being to prevent the instance from finding the position of and instigating the release of either of the other instances of SCP-8888.

Description: SCP-8888-1 through -3 refers to three superficially-humanoid creatures, native to an alternate dimension. In their default forms, SCP-8888’s height is an average of 5 feet, though their weight is approximately half that of an average human of a similar height. This disparity has been determined to result from the fact that SCP-8888 possesses no skeletal structure, with their muscular system supporting their bipedal mobility.

SCP-8888’s organ structure is consistent with cephalopods, including three hearts and an ink sac consistent with those found in a hawaiian bobtail squid( Euprymna scolopes ; SCP-8888-1 ), firefly squid( Watasenia scintillans; SCP-8888-2 ), and common octopus( Octopus vulgaris; SCP-8888-3 ). SCP-8888’s head is slightly larger and more angular than a human’s, with triangular ears located on the center side of SCP-8888-1 and -2’s heads. SCP-8888-3’s ears are rounded, similar to a human’s. SCP-8888 possess raccoon-like masks on their eyes, connected by a similar black stripe on SCP-8888-1 and SCP-8888-2, which SCP-8888-3 lacks.

SCP-8888’s eyemasks are hypothesized to improve vision. Their pseudo-hair has been proven to have a similar consistency to cephalopod tentacles, with suction cups being located on the inside of the tentacles on SCP-8888-1 and SCP-8888-2, while SCP-8888-3’s suction cups are on the outside of its tentacles.

SCP-8888 has an aversion to water, which was proven when the first attempt to convince SCP-8888-1 to drink was met with refusal. 3 days later, SCP-8888-1 appeared to be suffering from severe dehydration. As a result, it was seen attempting to drink the water provided to it. After hearing it make vocalizations of significant pain, guards entered the room to find that SCP-8888-1 had scarred 25% of its face, with its tongue having burned as well.

Once SCP-8888-1 was able to speak coherently after an hour, it was able to confirm that water is acidic to its species. As a direct result, all instances have had their primary source of hydration changed to milk.

SCP-8888 possesses a moderate shapeshifting capacity, specifically the ability to turn into small cephalopodic forms. SCP-8888 moves significantly slower in this form and has severely limited mobility. However, it is also harder to see, and capable of moving through grates.

SCP-5092 also possesses weapons resembling non-anomalous firearms, specifically one (1) FN P90, one (1) standard handheld gatling, and two (2) derringer pistols. These weapons are capable of firing an ink-like substance, and are currently undergoing reverse-engineering.

Addendum 8888.1: Discovery

SCP-8888 first appeared on september 22, 2020, holding SCP-507 while he teleported into site-100. Several nearby researchers and MTF agents were able to subdue SCP-8888, and SCP-507 was interviewed to determine the possible cause of SCP-8888’s presence.

Addendum 8888.2: Interview 8888-507

Interviewed: SCP-507

Interviewer: dr. ██████████

Dr. ██████████: Alright, 507, let’s start. How many dimensional transfers did SCP-8888 accompany you for?

SCP-507: You mean the kids? Just the one, going from their dimension to this one. I really don’t think you should be locking them up, honestly. It sounded like they had something important to do in their dimension.

Dr. ██████████: Be that as it may, that’s their dimension’s problem. We have enough to concern ourselves with in this world.

SCP-507: But they know about the Foundation! They called Dr. Gears by name! I don’t even know who that is, but clearly something’s going on, and I want to know what it is! One of them said something about-

( SCP-507 is interrupted by an involuntary dimensional transport. )

Dr. ██████████: Oh for the love of… fine, I suppose we can finish when he’s back.

Interview 8888-1

Interviewed: SCP-8888-1

Interviewer: dr. ██████████

Dr. ██████████: Alright. SCP-8888-1, why did you-

SCP-8888-1: Lauren.

Dr. ██████████: Pardon?

SCP-8888-1: My name is Lauren. Not SCP-whatever.

Dr. ██████████: Maybe where you come from, but here your name is SCP-8888-1.

SCP-8888-1: We shouldn’t even be here. Where are my friends?

Dr. ██████████: I’m afraid I’m not authorized to tell you that.

SCP-8888: What can you tell me then?

Dr. ██████████: I can ask you questions. For example, why did you travel here with SCP-507?

SCP-8888-1: You mean teleport man? We were trying to capture him.

Dr. ██████████: And how did you know he was there? SCP-507 told me you referred to Dr. Gears by name.

SCP-8888-1: Yeah, he’s in our dimension. He was trying to help us contain the SCPs that’ve been leaking into our dimension.

Dr. ██████████: I shouldn’t believe you, but come to think of it, we have been getting some reports of missing SCPs. I’ll have to investigate that, but I’ll leave Dr. Gears’s location to the personnel at Site-19.

SCP-8888-1: Wait, you actually believe me?

Dr. ██████████: In this job, I’m willing to believe just about anything. Now, I believe that’s it for this interview.

Addendum 8888.3: incident 8888-AWCY/SH/CI

On October 22, 2020, Site-100 was raided by members of the Chaos Insurgency, the Serpent’s Hand, and Are We Cool Yet?. The attack was inferred to be non-coordinated, due to the members of the three groups being observed combating each other as well as foundation staff.

Due to interference by foundation staff, as well as conflict between the three groups of interest, each group was only able to obtain 1 instance of SCP-8888. At this time, retrieval of SCP-8888 is considered extremely low priority.

Chapter Text

“It’s been a month! We have to start looking for the kids immediately!” Callie yelled across the circular table.

Dr. Gears calmly responded, “I have told you repeatedly, that is not in our best tactical interest. I’ve recently found out from my contacts that SCP-507 has undergone one of its signature involuntary dimensional transfers. Due to the nature of its primary anomaly, they could potentially be anywhere in the multiverse.”

“All the more reason to go after them! You’ve got that dimensional transporter, right? Why can’t you go looking for our friends yourself?” Marina asked.

“Apologies, but I’m afraid I’m needed here. Your group is grossly ill-equipped to combat the anomalous entities the foundation contains on a regular basis.”

“Dude, can you please show some emotion? What are you, some kind of robot?” Pearl snarled.

“No.”

“To which one?”

“Getting back on track, I’ve decided the four of you should go out and search for SCP-140.”

“We’re searching for the kids first.” Marie argued.

“No, SCP-140 must be your first priority. If the other agents are killed, then we will need to ensure no civilians are entranced by SCP-140’s anomalous properties.”

“What?!” Pearl shot upright, slamming her palms on the table. “How can you say that?! Those kids aren’t just agents, or soldiers; they’re our friends, and if they’re in danger, then we have to help them!”

“Very well. I suppose you may split your resources between the two searches.”

“Oh, thank you for your endless generosity. Gears, any suggestions?” Marina asked, pushing Pearl back down into her seat.

“I have never been a member of a containment team, nor am I experienced in handling SCP-140. You will have to figure out how to contain it by yourselves.”

“At least you admit you’re completely useless.” Pearl deadpanned.

“Okay, let’s head up to the city and figure out a plan.” Marie suggested, “Or at least the vestiges of a plan.”

“Can we all agree that guy’s full of it?” Pearl asked, looking at the others around the table.

Despite the fact that rebuilding had started a while ago, Inkopolis Plaza was still sporadically populated, allowing the group to discuss their strategy fairly openly without fear of being overheard. “Oh yeah, definitely.” Callie agreed, “Now, here’s the plan: you three go out and find the other agents, and I’ll look for this freaky blood book.”

“Why are you going out to look for it? Isn’t that dangerous?” Marie asked.

“Think about it. I put on those mind-controlling glasses that made me side with the octarians a couple months back, so I figure at this point I’ve pretty much built up an immunity to weird mind stuff.”

“That’s stupid. There’s no way it works like that.”

“Please, Marina, I can handle this. Besides, you three need to go look for the others.”

“I don’t like this, Callie. You’re my cousin. I can’t just let you put yourself in danger without backup.”

“Marie, I’m not a kid anymore. I can handle myself just fine now.”

Marie slammed the table, shouting, “I can’t just-”

She was interrupted by Marina putting her hand over her mouth. “You know what, I think Callie’s got the right idea here. You, me, and Pearl should go look for the other agents while she goes looking for the SCP.”

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea?”

“Yes, Pearl, I’m sure.”

“Finally! Someone who sees sense! I say we head out now.”

“I… yeah, okay. Be careful.”

“You too.”

“Mind explaining to me why you let Callie go on her own? You know she won’t be able to-!”

“Marie! Do you honestly think I’d-” Marina looked around, making sure no one could overhear them, before continuing, “Do you honestly think I’d let her go without backup? Look, you should know better than anyone how stubborn that girl can be. If one of us tried to follow her, she’d just send us right back.”

“True. What’s your plan then?” Marie asked.

“Simple. I’ll tail Callie while you two go and find the others.”

“Okay, I trust you. Pearl? Ready?”

“Of course! I don’t care where they are, we’re getting our friends back no matter what!”

“Right, so we all agree once we’re done we’ll meet up back at base, right?”

“You got it. Good luck, you two. I’ve got an inkling to track.”

“So, I take it things have been going well with Off The Hook?”

“Yeah, they were until the city was thrown completely out of whack. Then again, being a newscaster and a singer isn’t as glamorous as, well, I guess you’d have experience with that.”

“You’re not wrong there. Honestly, I’m kind of grateful to you and Marina for letting us have a couple years out of the limelight.”

“Oh, so you admit we’re the superior group?” Pearl grinned.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“Eh, you and Callie aren’t half bad yourselves. Anyway, where do you think the others could be?”

“Honestly? I’ve got no idea.”

“No, no, no. Where’s that stupid book?” Callie hissed, trying to keep her voice down. Deciding that the best place to look for a book might be the Inkopolis public library, she’d been poring through the seemingly endless shelves, filled with musty old books. Some of them actually looked interesting, and she frequently had to pull herself away from them.

After a few hours with nothing to show for it, Callie decided to go over to the librarian’s desk. “Excuse me, miss. Has anyone checked out any weird-looking books?”

“I don’t think so. I did see something when I was out hiking in the woods, though. I didn’t go near it, of course. Not after all the supernatural rumours that’ve been going on.”

“Oh. Right, of course.” Smiling, Callie walked out of the library, heading in the direction of the woods.

While searching through the forest, Callie noticed a brown pouch hanging from a tree branch, about fifty feet up. She thought for a moment before whacking the tree with her roller, covering it in purple ink and knocking the pouch into her hands. She picked it up, and read the note scrawled on it, in what looked like red ink.

Don’t open

Too dangerous

Too late for me

Save yourself .

While taking another look around, Callie noticed a trail of red ink leading away from the tree. She opted to investigate by following the trail, holding the pouch by her side.

After a few minutes, she found a cabin, with an open door and an interior covered in shadows. The trail of red ink ended somewhere inside. Callie dropped the pouch, knocking the book out of it and into Callie’s line of sight.

It was a dark red, with a title engraved in the top center: A Chronicle of the Daevas . Inexplicably, Callie found herself opening the book. “No! I can’t!” Despite her best efforts, Callie accidentally glimpsed the first passage. “Actually, this is pretty interesting.” She found herself perusing the novel, inexplicably desperate to discover all she could about the Daevas.

“Callie! Callie! Come here right now!” Marina screamed until she was coughing, nearly losing her voice. Stumbling out of the thick of the forest, having completely forgotten she was supposed to hide, Marina looked through the starry night where the moon was at its zenith. She noticed a tree, with its side partially covered in ink.

Marina recognized the ink as being the same color as Callie’s roller, and noticed a trail of red ink. “Oh, Cal, tell me you didn’t...” Marina ran in the direction of the trail. Quickly, she managed to find a cabin. Nearby, Callie was sitting with her back turned.

Marina crept closer to her friend, until she could hear her muttering, “I have to find out… what happened next?”

Marina decided to make herself known by yanking the book out of the inkling’s hands. “Callie!”

“What? Huh?” Callie looked like she’d been pulled out of some other realm. “Give me the book. Now.”

“No, Cal. That’s enough evil magic book time for you.”

“No! No, no, there’s more, I can make more! It’s horrifying, but I have to read more! I have to make more! You can help, too! You can help me make more! Your fingernails are sharp, right? If we just dig hard enough, I bet we can have more than enough ink to keep it going!” Callie was smiling wider than what should’ve been physically possible by any means, to the point where she looked physically pained. Her eyes were widened to the point where they looked bloodshot on all edges.

Marina barely resisted the urge to step back from her friend. “Callie, please, just calm down.” She closed her eyes so she wouldn’t be tempted by the cover, then swiftly put it back in the pouch.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!” Callie’s smile had turned into a look of pure rage, and she looked ready to maul her companion.

“I’m, uh, I’m saving it for when we get back to base.”

Callie’s face changed to a glowing smile in an instant. “Oh, I get it! You want to show our friends! Sorry I ever doubted you, Marina!”

“Uh, right. Now, let’s head back to base. We can try to contact the others once we’re there.”

Chapter Text

Lauren was punching the wall of her containment cell. She’d lost track of time. She screamed, “Let me out! Let me out right now!” After a few hours, she became hoarse, just as she did every day since being contained.

At some point, alarms started to blare. She stood up, hopeful. “Mark? Kat?” The one way door to her cell blew apart, sending her flying backwards into the wall. “Ow. Hey, what the-?”

Half a dozen men in black kevlar armor walked into her cell, their shoulders emblazoned with a logo that clearly wasn’t of SCP Foundation origin. “Yes! Thank you so much!” She sprinted for the open doorway. One of the agents grabbed her shirt collar. “Let me go!” She screeched and turned into a squid to slip away.

The second Lauren turned back into a humanoid, another of the agents kicked her to the ground. Before she could stand up, she felt a needle jab her in the back of her neck.

“No!” Lauren’s vision blurred. “I won’t… you can’t…” Her mouth refused to function, followed by her brain, before she collapsed.

The first thing Lauren registered when she woke up was a splitting headache. When she groaned, she felt something soft and wet in between her jaws. It took her a few seconds to realize she’d been gagged with a piece of cloth, her hands were tied behind her back, and her legs were similarly tied together.

Lauren scanned her surroundings. She was in a moving black truck, walls emblazoned with the same logo as the one on the shoulders of the agents who’d kidnapped her. It consisted of a red circle, radiating black lines on a white background. She was accompanied by the half-dozen men, each of them wearing black kevlar armor.

Lauren tried to steady her breathing. She was unable to speak or move. The agents remained entirely silent and staring at her, blinking only occasionally and never more than two at a time.

“Why did we take this thing?” One of the agents asked, clearly fed up. “What use could it possibly have to our cause?”

Lauren growled into her gag. The man next to her argued, “Who knows? If we can reprogram it though, it might make for a halfway-decent soldier. And it’s not like we’re using a lot of resources on the thing.”

Lauren turned her gaze down and to the side, where she noticed that the agent next to her was continually flipping an unsheathed knife between his fingers. With her mouth and limbs rendered non-functional, she leaned and turned her body. She tried to move slowly enough to go unnoticed, and yet fast enough to execute her plan before it was rendered obsolete.

“What’s it doing?” One of the men demanded. Lauren cringed in fear, and hurriedly leaned back into the knife. Her ropes came undone, but in her haste, she’d also carved a sizable gash into her back; half an inch deep and a quarter-foot long. Lauren’s eyes widened, and she let out an agonized scream into her gag. Viscous yellow ink-blood dripped out of her and off the silver blade of the knife.

Lauren forced herself to push past the pain, and to breach the limits of her body. She twisted to the side while the man with the knife was startled, kicking him in the stomach with both heels, while simultaneously headbutting the shoulder of the man on her other side. She fell to the metal floor of the truck, where she reached into her mouth and pulled out the wet gag.

Lauren took a millisecond to register her circumstances. She’d freed her arms, but she was bleeding onto the floor, and lying on her back with her legs uselessly bound together. She lunged her upper body up, screaming in pain, and grabbed the knife. With a flick of her wrist, she tossed the knife. It spun and sliced through the ropes, freeing her legs and allowing Lauren to stand up, with her lower back partially covered in sticky yellow ink-blood.

Immediately, the man who’d been holding the knife stood up and kicked Lauren in the stomach. She doubled over, clutching her midsection and gasping for breath. Without her splattershot to defend herself, Lauren had to step backwards, putting her hand on the wall so she could kick at the man.

He jumped backwards, just as the truck hit a pothole, launching the knife off the floor. Lauren and the man both dodged the blade, leaving it to embed itself in the back wall. “Dammit! How come I’m the only one fighting here?”

One of the men laughed while sitting down. “What, you can’t fight a little girl-thing?”

The man rolled his eyes while lunging, trying to punch Lauren. She dodged, only for her face to collide with his other fist. Winded, she found herself kicked to the floor.

Still reeling from the kick to her stomach, the punch to her face, and the slice in her back, Lauren could barely process her surroundings. All she could think to do was transfer back to squid form, allowing her attacker to punch the hard metal floor where her face had just been. She went back to her humanoid shape, trying to ignore the lingering pain all over her body.

Lauren’s entire body screamed in protest as she jumped onto her opponent’s back, trying to strangle him. He tried to pull her off, while her hands tightened around his throat and her sharp fangs stabbed every part of his head they could reach, drawing blood more often than not.

The agent closest to the knife grew bored and yanked it out of the wall, throwing it at them in a swift motion.

Lauren felt a sharp, stabbing pain above her previous cut, while the other agent felt the girl’s grip on his neck weaken, until she fell to the floor, covering the surface with her own yellow ink-blood.

In the last seconds before she lost consciousness, Lauren could hear the agent’s voice, “About time. It’s a fighter, I’ll give it that. Now let’s patch it up and see if we can’t use that fighting spirit to our advantage.”

Hours later, Lauren was in handcuffs, being dragged by a pair of guards through a metal hallway interspersed with doors, leading to rooms whose contents she could scarcely guess at. Her wounds had been disinfected and bandaged, and she’d been screaming bloody murder even as her throat grew painfully sore. “Let me go! I won’t let you lock me up! I don’t care what you do, I won’t be one of your experiments!”

For all the teenager’s kicking and screaming, the guards ignored her. Eventually, after she’d lost her voice a while ago, they came up to a door that looked no different from the dozens of others they’d passed. It was guarded by a lone sentryman, who asked his colleagues, “New test subject?”

“Yeah, let’s just hope this one’s brains don’t get fried like the others.”

“Shouldn’t be a problem. I hear the science department spent weeks working out the kinks. Besides, if something does go wrong, there’s always more anomalies.” He entered the passcode on the door’s padlock, causing it to raise into a slot in the wall just above it.

Too exhausted to keep struggling, Lauren barely noticed as she was strapped to an operating table, with a device hanging above her. She heard one of the agents tell his colleagues, “Time for the reprogramming.”

Chapter Text

gr33teengs m3r3 moartalz 1 ahm y0ur noo l0rd @nd m@star d@rth epick teh destr0yahr @nd 1 c4n keel y0u w1th mah eyez!

Dr. Gears observed the computer screen, which was clearly infected with SCP-732. At the Foundation, a computer infected with 732 was a mere annoyance. However, there it was at least confined to the database, so it couldn’t expose itself to the outside world. Here, it could potentially spread to other devices and expose its existence to the civilian population. He thought for a moment before typing on the keyboard.

Greetings, 732. I see you’ve migrated to this dimension as well. Tell me, is this the only computer you’ve infected thus far?

It was only a few seconds before the response came.

U cant foool m3 i knoe u r 1 of thoze SCP nerds butt gess wut suckah now im free @nd u cant stop meh from takeing oevr thiss worlld!

732, I hope you are well aware that you don’t have the capacity to come anywhere close to taking over the world.

Lalala I cant here u after over 9000 years im frea itz tyme 2 conker earf!

Is there, perchance, anything I could offer to convince you to not attempt to, as you put it, conquer earth?

W3ll, maebeh ith u gaev meh a 72-rume m@nshun and @ bunch uv virjinz than wee culd tock.

You are well aware that, due to your nature as a computer virus, you are unable to receive material gifts of any sort. Is there anything else I could offer? Perhaps a grammar lesson might do you some good.

Noh, i th!nk ah’ll stik 2 teh orijanal plahn bai suckah.

Are you sure this is what you really want to do?

Dr. Gears waited hours for the next reply, but none came.

Chapter Text

Marcus paced around his containment cell, trying to figure some way of escape. He’d been marking the days on the wall using his fingernail, but stopped once they started chipping off. “Okay, can’t kick down the door, don’t have a weapon, the guards apparently can’t hear me, there’s a security camera...” He glared at the camera above him, flashing a single finger at whoever might be watching.

“Damn it.” Marcus spat, sitting in a corner. His mind started wandering to the dimension of the unclean, and before he realized it, he was crying. “Damn it damn it damn it!” He shot up and started punching the wall, again and again, harder each time, until it was stained with flecks of green ink-blood, sobbing the whole time. “I didn’t want this I never wanted this please just let me go I just want to go home!”

Alarms had started blaring. Marcus looked up, briefly wondering if he’d been too loud, before he realized it was more likely the result of an unrelated containment breach. He walked to the front of the room, pressing his ear against the wall and listening for any noise outside. The door opened.

Marcus balled his fists at the four people in front of him. One had a second mouth on his stomach, another had a third eye on his forehead, the third had six fingers on each hand, and the only woman among the group had sideways pupils and feline ears. “Guys, I found one!” The cat-lady told her colleagues.

“Yes, Dana, we all did.” The twelve-fingered man stepped forward, slowly approaching Marcus. “Hey, kid, it’s alright. We just want to help you.”

“Oh, sure you do.” Marcus snapped, “You just want to kidnap me, don’t you? You’re going to experiment on me, or keep me locked up, or who knows what else!”

“No, no, it’s not like that. We’re from the Serpent’s Hand. Our group exists to help anomalous people.”

Marcus looked over the four. “Gotta say, your thing’s kinda underwhelming compared to your friends.”

“Yeah, well...” The man bent his thumb, causing it to extend down to the ground. It turned flaccid, creating a pile of skin on the floor as his bones audibly bent and extended.

Marcus screamed, backing up into the wall while the three-eyed man smacked twelver in the back of the head. “C’mon, Fred, quit scaring the kid. I swear, you do this every time.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright, Jack.” Fred flicked his hand, causing his thumb to immediately revert back to its original state. “Sorry, kid. Sometimes that just happens and I can’t control it. Jack, can you open us a Way?”

“With pleasure. I’d like to free some more people, but...” He paused, listening to the guards fighting two other factions outside the containment cell. “...maybe some other time.” He stood off to the side, his third eye glowing a deep blue.

“Wait, who exactly are you guys?” Marcus asked.

“Like Fred just told you, we’re from the Serpent’s Hand.” The two-mouthed man explained, “I’m Troy. You’ve already met the others. Jack, how’s that Way coming along?”

“Got it!” Jack gestured to a glowing blue portal in the middle of the chamber. “You ready, kid?”

“Nope! ”Marcus barely hesitated before jumping through the Way.

“You know, out of all the people to get abducted by, I probably could’ve done a lot worse.” Marcus was sitting at a desk with the Serpent’s Hand members.

“Don’t think of it as an abduction. More like liberation.” Fred corrected him.

“Yeah, well, speaking of liberation, do you guys have any idea what could’ve happe ned to my friends? Are they with some other members of your group?”

“About that.” Troy muttered, “I saw one of them with some of the madmen. The other was with one of the artists.”

Marcus saw red. He punched the surface of the table, shouting, “What?! I thought you were supposed to be helping the ‘anomalous’, not pawning us off to other shady organizations!”

“There was nothing I could’ve done! There were too many of them.” The mouth on the guy’s stomach answered him.

“Yeah well, now we’ve got more of us, and we can make a plan of attack.” Marcus rebutted.

“Are you sure about that?” The three-eyed man asked. “There’s going to be a ton of risk involved. Everything you were scared of us doing to you, those groups will be more than willing to actually do.”

Marcus narrowed his eyes at Jack. “That’s all the more reason to go. Those two have never left me behind, and I’m never going to abandon them.”

“Alright.” Dana accepted, “We need to find a Way that’ll get us to where your friends are being held. The question is, where do we go first?”

“I say we go to the most dangerous one first. I need to save my friends.”

“Now wait just a minute.” Fred interrupted Marcus, “Wouldn’t it make more sense to go to the less dangerous place first, so that we’ll have more help rescuing your other friend from the madmen?”

Marcus thought about it for a minute. “Ok. We’ll save one of my friends from the artists, and then we’ll all go and do the same with the madmen. By the way, what’s their deals? What do they do exactly?”

Fred explained, “The artists-they call themselves ‘Are We Cool Yet?’-they’re a terrorist group that creates anomalous pieces of art, then put them where they can get maximum casualties.”

Dana elaborated, “A few of them are more pacifistic, creating pieces that only cause adverse effects without actually killing anyone. The madmen, on the other hand, call themselves the Chaos Insurgency. They’re a rival organization to the SCP Foundation, except whereas the Foundation is morally gray at best, the Insurgency is outright evil. They’re dedicated to weaponizing anomalies for their own self gain.”

“Alright. Okay. Which of the artists do you think took my friend? Art terrorists or art pacifists?”

“No clue, kid.” Troy responded, “We need to find a Way first.”

“Okay. In that case, the first step is to-”

“No, kid, that’s not what he meant.” Jack chuckled, “A Way is a portal which acts as a gateway through time and space, like the one we used to get here. This place we’re in, the Wanderer's Library, is a multiversal hub. There’s Ways leading all throughout time and space, including other dimensions. Believe me, if we’re going to find your friends, a Way is our best bet.”

“Ah. Thanks for clarifying. So, we just use a Way to save one of my friends from the artists, and then we all go save my other friend from the Insurgents.”

“You got it. Fortunately, Jack here’s been studying Ways longer than the rest of us, so he’ll be our best bet infiltrating the artists.” Dana confirmed.

“Well, it’s mostly the third eye enhancing my thaumaturgy, but thanks. We’ll need to go elsewhere in the library, where I can access a Way that’ll actually get us where we want to go.”

“Alright then.” Marcus stood up. “How big is this place?”

“Infinite.” Troy answered, “But don’t worry. If we’re lucky, it shouldn’t take too long.”

“Yeah, luck. Cause that’s been on my side lately.” Marcus scoffed bitterly, “Come on. Now that we’ve got a plan, we can’t waste any more time.”

Chapter Text

Katherine poked around the containment room, looking for any imperfections she could use to her advantage. While she was fruitlessly searching, she heard alarms sounding from outside. “Huh? What’s going on out there?”

After a few minutes, a hole appeared in the door from a red, burning circle. The hole expanded, allowing a man to step through with a flamethrower. “Well, glad that’s over.” He muttered under his breath, “Too bad about the others, but oh well.” He turned to Katherine and spoke aloud, “Alright kiddo, ready to break out of this dump?”

“Yes!” She answered emphatically, before hesitating. “Wait. Last time someone promised to help me escape a weird facility, I nearly got ground into doomsday paste. How do I know I can trust you?”

The human rolled his eyes. “Look, kid, you can either take your chances with me, or you can rot in here and wait for these guys to start experimenting on you. Trust me, it’s only a matter of time.”

“I...okay, but first we need to help my friends.” She started walking out of the room.

The stranger grabbed Katherine’s shoulders before she could walk out. “Sorry, little tentacle-hair girl, but we can’t do that right now; it’s too dangerous. If we stay here any longer, we’ll both get locked up.”

“What? So you’re telling me I should just abandon my friends here?”

“No, no, of course not. I just need you to do something for me.”

“Oh yeah? Like what? And what’s your name, anyway?”

“Name’s David. And as for what you can do for me...” He set down a piece of blank white parchment, scribbling on it with a tiny brush. “Aperite hoc Modo, ut possimus evadere.” The parchment shimmered a multitude of colors, until a glowing blue portal opened in its place. “...You can start by coming with me.”

“I…” Kat stepped back. “I don’t really think so.”

The sound of armored boots echoed through the hall, growing louder as the Foundation agents approached the cell.

“Well, fine then. Have fun trying to save your friends while fighting off armed agents working for one of the most powerful organizations unknown to mankind.” David walked up to the portal.

By the time the human had one leg in the portal, Katherine yelled, “Wait!” David paused, turning around. “I’ll go with you. But if you try anything-”

“Relax, kid. You can trust me. Besides, what other choice do you have?”

Hesitantly, Kat followed him through the portal. On the other side was an alleyway, abandoned and covered in graffiti. “Wow. Nice place you got here, Dave.” Katherine deadpanned.

“Yes well, as a member of Are We Cool Yet?, I have to make do with what I have. Now here.” He handed Katherine a blank easel. “How are you at painting?”

Kat shrugged. “I’m alright, I guess. In my dimension we have an entire sport based around ink.”

“Fair enough. Now, how do you feel about a group project?”

“Uhh… I dunno. How long will it take?”

David shrugged. “Who knows? Probably about a week.”

“Oh hell no, that’s way too long.”

“Please, kid-what’s your name, anyway?”

“Katherine. But please, let me go help my friends.”

“Sorry Kat, but I’m afraid that’s not an option. If we’re going to storm the Foundation, we’re going to need some really powerful thaumaturgy-the kind that takes a while to prepare. Otherwise, we won’t stand a chance.”

Katherine clenched her fists. “Alright, I understand.” She looked around the alleyway. “But, uh, what’re we going to do about sleeping? Because if you think I’m going to sleep anywhere near you, then we’re going to have issues.”

“Relax, kid. I’ll open Ways to the Wanderer’s Library so you can get some rest. I’ll get you in the morning until we finish this painting.”

“I...fine. If I have no other options, then it’s a deal.”

“Glad to hear it. Now, let’s start right away.”

“Alright, is that it?” Katherine asked, stepping back to get a better look at her and David’s painting. The background was a psychedelic mix of colors that hurt the eyes to look too long. In the middle was a multicolored serpentine creature, with jade green eyes and a blood-red mouth. Something felt off about the serpent, as though it might jump out and attack someone at a moment’s notice.

David slapped her on the back and laughed, “Nice one, kid! Guess you were telling the truth about being from an ink dimension. Now, let’s bring this into that Foundation base.”

“Sounds good to me.” Before David could open the Way, they heard the sound of another one opening nearby. “Hey, what the…?” Katherine walked out of the alley. She caught four unfamiliar voices, and a single one that she recognized. “Marcus!”

“You’re sure this is it, Jack?” Marcus looked over skeptically at the three-eyed man. “Because last time, we ended up in a universe where they had a word rhyming with both orange and purple.”

“Okay, I’ll admit that was a bit of a mindscrew. This time, though, I’m sure.”

“How sure?” Troy’s mouth asked.

“Eh, 50-70%.”

“That’s reassuring. I thought I told the kid you were an expert in Way navigation.” Dana snarked.

“I am. It’s just that Ways aren’t exactly a precise science. They are anomalous, after all.”

Marcus stepped forward. “It doesn’t matter. If this Way can take me to either of my friends, then it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Jack, open the portal.”

“Right. Just give me a sec here.” Jack pushed Marcus back, putting himself directly in front of the wall. He concentrated for a moment, until the wall collapsed in on itself, revealing a glowing white portal. It looked different from the ones Marcus had seen the foundation scientists use,and the portal produced by SCP-093.

“Well, what’re we waiting for? Let’s go already!” Marcus jumped through the Way.

The group emerged on a sidewalk below a rising sun. “Man, this place looks like it’s seen better days.” Jack mentioned, his third eye blinking.

“Yeah, and we’re used to so much better.” Dana rolled her eyes.

“Come on, guys, we need to find these other kids.” Troy reminded them.

Fred looked around the immediate area. “Maybe she’s in an alley somewhere, trying to keep a low profile?”

“Good call.“ Marcus started approaching a nearby alleyway. “I’ll check in-”

“Marcus!” Katherine body-slammed him, knocking the wind out of the boy with a tight embrace. After a few seconds, she pulled away, jostling his shoulders while ye lling, “Where were you the past week?! Who are these guys? What’s going on here?”

“Ka-gah! Kat, I can explain. These guys are with a group called the Serpent’s Hand, and I’ve joined up with them to look for you and Lauren. We’ve been searching for days now.” He brought his friend into a hug.

“You have?” Katherine sounded almost surprised, even as she leaned her head against Marcus. She looked up at the Serpent’s Hand group. “Wait, where’s-”

“Your other friend’s been taken by a group that calls itself the Chaos Insurgency. That’s why we’re trying to get you to help us.” the six-fingered man explained.

“The Insurgents? No, kid, you guys...you guys should stay with me. You’ll be safe.”

Katherine turned to the Are We Cool Yet? Member, who looked visibly shaken at the mention of the Chaos Insurgency. “I don’t care about safety now that I know where my friend is. C’mon, let’s forget about that painting and go save Lauren from these insurgency guys.”

“What?” David grabbed Katherine by the shoulders, practically seething with rage. “How dare you suggest we forget about my art? There is nothing greater than art! Art is-”

He was interrupted by Marcus, slapping him in the face and pulling Katherine over to the rest of the group. “Fine! If all you care about is your art then so be it. Kat and I have a friend to save.”

“No, wait, I...I didn’t… kid, you’ll come back, right? You’re one of us, a member of Are We Cool Yet?!”

Katherine glared daggers at David while he held the painting. “If I’d known how you really were, or what you really thought was important, I would’ve stayed with the Foundation. I’m going to go help save my friend from the Insurgency or die trying, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”

David hesitated for a moment. His eyes narrowed, until he was glaring down at his brief pupil. “Fine then. But I wouldn’t necessarily say there’s nothing I can do to stop you.” Grinning like a madman, he threw the painting face-up on the sidewalk. “Surge, Apep, et adducam interitum in te excitare.”

The painting shimmered in a multitude of colors, including some for which humans didn’t have names. A serpentine shape emerged, retaining the vibrant rainbow hues from from the painting. Its eyes glowed with a harsh green light, and its hiss sounded like a gemstone being slowly ground into dust. When it fully emerged from the painting, it was 20 feet long, baring its 3-foot fangs.

David spread his arms wide. “Do you like our painting? I call it ‘The Vengeance Of Apep’. It would’ve been your big debut as a member of Are We Cool Yet?, Katherine, but oh well. There’s always the next recruit.”

“Oh please.” Katherine snarled, “You think a snake’s going to stop us?”

“Believe me, girl, Apep is a very special snake. Observe.” David turned to the serpent and commanded it, “Make their deaths fun for me, will you? The slower and more painful, the better.” He then proceeded to lean against the nearest wall.

“I don’t believe this! This whole time, you were just using me to help make a weapon for you?!” Katherine was interrupted as Apep barreled into the group of six, scattering them across the sidewalk and into the street.

Marcus tried to jump onto the snake, but found it too fast, leaving him grasping at air. It lunged at him, and he barely managed to jump out of the way of Apep’s massive fangs. They left a small crater in the ground, and Apep found itself briefly stuck.

Marcus and Katherine both used the opportunity to jump onto Apep’s back, only to realize they had no plan or weapons. “Wait, what are we doing up here?” Marcus asked.

“Beats me. I honestly didn’t think we’d get this far.” Apep used the opportunity to thrash about, easily throwing the two off itself. Marcus slammed into the nearby wall before collapsing to the ground, while Katherine found herself in the middle of the street.

Some nearby doors started opening, as a result of people coming out to investigate the noise. “Come on, we’ve gotta leave! Now!” Fred told the group, while Jack concentrated on opening a new Way.

“What’re we going to do about the snake?” Marcus asked, staggering up from his fall.

“I dunno. Leave it to them?” Kat answered, running out of the street.

A squad of cars was approaching, bearing the Foundation’s logo. “Oh, great. The Jailors, just what we need right now.” Dana addressed Jack. “Hey, how’s the Way coming along?”

“Just finished. Come on; we’re getting out of here.” The six of them left through the Way, as the Foundation soldiers started engaging the serpent.

“Again, you’re sure this is it, right?” Katherine looked up to ask Jack.

“Yeah, this is the Way that’ll lead us into the nearest hideout of the madmen. With any luck, your friend will be somewhere in there.”

“Okay, let’s go over the plan again.” Marcus reminded the group, “You four take care of the Insurgents, and Katherine and I will get Lauren back.”

“Great plan, kid. Especially the part where it was all my idea.” Fred remarked.

“Doesn’t matter. Let’s get this over with.” Troy instructed, prompting the 6-man team to walk through the Way. They’d managed to procure some weapons from the Wanderer's Library, including some blaster rifles they’d managed to get some practice with.

When they emerged on the other side of the Way, they found themselves in a hallway with gray metal walls. In front of them was a group of five men, with Lauren in the middle of them. She was unrestrained, and her face was emotionless. “Who are you?”

One of the Insurgency agents demanded, “What’s the Serpent’s hand doing here?”

“You know exactly why we’re here. Let our friend go, and we’ll let you live.” Marcus commanded.

“I do not know you. I’m where I belong.” Lauren’s voice was emotionless and robotic.

“Mind control. You two try to break it while we hold off the Insurgents.” Fred told the teenagers.

“Got it. Kat, ready?”

“Let’s hope so.” The two of them ran at their friend.

One of the insurgency agents pulled out a communicator. “We’ve got Serpent's Hand. Requesting backup at-” Before he could finish, his device was blasted by Troy, as each member of the Serpent's Hand started fighting a single member of the Chaos Insurgency.

Lauren unholstered an Insurgency-model blaster rifle from her hip and immediately shot at the others. Marcus pushed Kat out of the way as the shot exploded beside them, knocking them into the wall.

Nearby, Dana was engaging in a fistfight with an enemy agent, needing to dodge most of his hits to keep up. After helping her by firing both their blasters at her opponent, Marcus and Katherine started to re-engage Lauren. Both of them had set their blasters to the lowest setting, whereas Lauren had no qualms about trying to kill them. She effortlessly dodged out of the way of her friends’ shots, before sideflipping and firing one of her own from midair.

Marcus and Katherine jumped over the blaster shot, leaving it to explode directly behind them. Katherine utilized the momentum of the blast to turn into her octopus form and launch herself behind Lauren.

While Marcus was fighting Lauren hand-to-hand, Katherine took the opportunity to aim her weapon at Lauren’s back. When she did, the mind-controlled girl screamed in pain, as though she’d gotten injured there before.

Marcus used the opportunity to wrest the blaster out of his opponent’s hands, shouting, “I got her! Jack, open the Way!”

While Marcus kept trying to keep Lauren from biting him, Katherine took over fighting the Chaos Insurgency agent Jack had been exchanging punches with so he could start opening their exit back into the Wanderer's Library.

After a few seconds, the Way appeared in the middle of the hallway. Lauren was still trying to bite and punch Marcus, even after he dragged her through the Way after the rest of the group. Unable to think straight, he randomly picked a book from the bottom of the nearest shelf and started wacking his friend on the head with it. After a dozen hits, Lauren got off of him, rubbing her head in pain.

Marcus looked at the cover of the book. “Removing Mind Control for Dummies. Huh. Hey, guys, I think this can help us.”

Fred took the book out of his hands. “Yeah, this place does that sometimes. If you need information, odds are the Wanderer's Library can provide. Comes with the territory of being an interdimensional hub world. I’m pretty good with tech, so I’ll take care of it. Troy, Dana, Jack, hold her down. Marcus, Katherine, you two… I dunno, just stand there and try not to break anything.”

“Okay. Just make sure to keep her safe.” Katherine requested.

“Of course we will.” Fred assured her.

While the group started on their work, Marcus and Katherine sat down at a nearby desk. The octoling asked, “So, Marcus, how’d you meet these people anyway?”

“They’re the ones who got me out of the Foundation. They broke into my cell, and Jack opened a Way, so I figured it was better than containment and went with them. What about you? What’s the story with David?”

“Kinda similar, actually. David came into my cell and offered me to join him as a member of something called Are We Cool Yet?. Of course, he made it sound like he just wanted to make weird art, break the masquerade, shake the status quo, that sort of thing. He made it sound like he didn’t actually want to hurt anyone.” She finished bitterly, “I guess I was more gullible than I thought.”

Marcus put a hand on Katherine’s. “O r desperate. And besides, it all worked out for the best, didn’t it? Mostly.”

“Not yet. We still haven’t gotten back to our own universe.”

“True, but Jack’s an expert with Ways. I’ll bet he can get us there no problem.”

“I guess you’re right.” Katherine smiled. “Once your new friends fix Lauren’s mind control, we can get them to help us get back to our home universe.”

“Yep. I wonder how the others have been doing without us.” Marcus paused for a moment. “I was really worried about you. I know this might sound kinda weird, but with how long we’ve been living together, you’ve almost become like a sister to me.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Fred calling out, “Hey, guys, I think we got it!”

Marcus and Katherine ran over to the Serpent’s Hand group, where Lauren was sitting on the floor. She opened her eyes, reeling backwards at the sight of the Serpent's Hand members. After a moment of gasping and sputtering for breath, she muttered, “I have several questions.”

Marcus reached down to help Lauren to her feet. “Relax, these guys are cool. They’re members of a group called the Serpent's Hand. They helped me find you two.”

“Serpent’s...okay then. And that’s…?”

“We’re a group dedicated to ensuring equal rights for law abiding anomalous individuals.” Fred explained, “So, now that you three are back together, I take it you’ll want to get back to your own dimension?”

“Of course we do! Who knows what’s going on there by now?” Lauren confirmed.

“In that case, let’s get you three a Way.” Jack offered.

While the group of seven was walking through the library, they started hearing screams before library patrons ran past them. “What the he- sweet Sally Cheesecake!” Lauren shouted as she turned around to see a giant, multicolored crystalline snake rampaging through the library, knocking over shelves with a man riding its back.

“David!” Katherine’s voice was filled with venom.

“Wait, you know this guy?”

“I’ll explain later; c’mon!” Kat answered Lauren’s question as the group was trying to get away from the snake. After a few minutes, they managed to get behind a desk, hoping it’d be far enough away to not be seen.

“Okay, Kat, it’s later. Mind explaining now?”

Katherine shrugged nervously. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing too bad. I just got recruited by a member of an anomalous art-based terrorist group that tricked me into making a living snake painting as a weapon.”

“Whu- oh, yeah, nothing wrong with that.” Lauren replied sarcastically.

The desk disappeared, effortlessly lifted into the air and crushed by the serpent’s jaws. “Katherine! I see you thought you could escape your fate! I’ll give you a choice. Rejoin Are We Cool Yet?, or die here and now.”

Kat leaned her head against her palm. “Y’know, let me think...about how much I want to say no!”

“Alright, suit yourself. Time to die now!” The serpent’s eyes shined an even brighter green, and the seven-man group barely managed to dodge the resulting explosion. Despite how small it was, they could still feel the intense heat.

“Okay, new plan: I’ll open a Way, and you three go through it and hope for the best.”

Marcus responded, “I’m noticing a few flaws with this plan.”

“You got a better idea?” Jack fired his weapon at the snake’s head.

“Fair enough.”

Jack started working on the Way, while the others stood in a long horizontal row and started firing their weapons at the snake. After about a minute, the serpent had started consistently dodging their blasts. “Way’s open! Go in, now! We’ll be fine!” Jack shouted.

The three teenagers ran over to the vortex. “Are you sure?” Marcus asked.

“Of course I’m sure. This isn’t the first time someone’s tried to attack the Wanderer's Library, and it won’t be the last. As members of the Serpent’s Hand, we’ll always be here to protect it. Now go and protect your own home. I can’t hold this open for long.”

“We will, sir. And thanks.” The three jumped through the Way.

Chapter Text

Dr. Gears found himself in a seemingly infinite field of grass, with a single tree on top of a nearby hill, the only elevation he could see for miles. Nearby, a man who looked about 50 was wearing a 1960’s american business suit. Dr. Gears thought for a second, and recognized the man. “SCP-990. I see you’ve come to this dimension as well.”

The man calmly responded, “So it would seem. Seeing as you’re the only Foundation employee in this dimension right now, it only made sense to appear to you.”

“Given your typical anomalous functions, I suppose you’re here to warn me of something.”

“That’s correct. For whatever reason, I can’t tell you as much as I’d like. It probably has something to do with the fact we’re in a different universe. Oh well, I suppose I’ll just have to make do. Just know that all dimensions are in grave peril.”

“I am aware of this. This dimension and my own are in the process of a mutually catastrophic dimensional merge event.”

The man shook his head in disappointment. “If only it were that small a matter. No, I mean the entire infinitum of the multiverse is in jeopardy, or rather, I suppose, more jeopardy than usual.”

“Well then, can you at least explain how we can prevent it?” Gears asked.

“I’m afraid I can only give you one word.” The man in the business suit sounded regretful. “Khahrahk.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.” Gears told SCP-990.

“I apologize, but that’s really all I can say. I believe that’s all for now.” The dream-world swirled, blurred, and disappeared.

Dr. Gears woke up in the middle of the night, still alone in the other group’s base of operations. He got up and opened a laptop. He next spent a few seconds entering the necessary SCP Foundation encryptions.

After a brief stint of static, a camera feed appeared on-screen. The figure on the other end wore a hood, concealing their face. Their voice was modified by the computer, creating a deep, artificial echo. “Dr. Charles Ogden Gears. I know you wouldn’t call me for any matter less important than the fate of the world.”

“Your assessment is correct, O5-1. While staying in the dimension where SCP-682 escaped to previously, I had an encounter with SCP-990 just now. I believe it is cause for grave concern.”

“Any encounter with SCP-990 is cause for concern. What did it tell you?”

“SCP-990 was uncharacteristically non-descriptive, which it told me was because of a sort of inter-dimensional dissonance. However, it told me that the multiverse is currently being threatened by something it called ‘Khahrahk’.”

The O5 paused for a brief moment. “I have never heard of that name. I will have one of the other O5’s lead a research group to investigate any multiversal or pluripotent beings called Khahrahk.”

Dr. Gears nodded. “My thanks. Will that be all?”

“If you have no more to say, Charles, then yes.”

“Very well then.”

The O5 nodded. “Secure, contain, protect.”

“Secure, contain, protect.” Dr. Gears echoed, closing the laptop.

Chapter Text

Marcus, Katherine, and Lauren found themselves in the middle of what a nearby sign denoted as main street. All around them, dozens of humans were going about their everyday lives, paying no mind to the blatantly non-human interdimensional visitors. “Do you girls think there might be something wrong with this town?” Marcus asked.

Before anyone could respond, everything on the street that wasn’t attached to the ground started floating in the air. Lauren, Marcus, and Katherine were flailing and panicking, while everyone else seemed mildly annoyed at worst. A few younger people were actively laughing and trying to beat each others’ altitudes.

After precisely ten seconds, gravity returned to its original state. Everyone else went on like nothing had happened, while the cephalopods were left startled on the ground. “Someone want to explain to me what that was?” Kat asked no one in particular.

“Must be Tuesday noon.” A vaguely familiar voice answered. The trio got up to see Trevor, Tristan, and Thomas Bailey standing in front of them, wearing the logo of the SCP Foundation on their uniforms. “Hey, aren’t you the ones from that other dimension last month?” Tristan asked.

“Yeah, we were until your Foundation locked us up in containment!” Lauren shouted, furiously pointing at his logo.

“Woah, wait, how’d you even get to this dimension anyway?”

“Long story short, Trevor-”

“-I’m Thomas.”

“I’ll let you know when I care.” Marcus continued, “We met an SCP, the guy who travels between dimensions, and we found ourselves in a Foundation site.”

“You mean 507?” Trevor realized.

“Yeah, if you say so. We’ve had more important things to worry about over the last month.” Katherine answered.

“Look, usually I’m the only one who works here. Trevor and Tom are just here to help out, since this place gets even more insane than usual on Halloween.”

“Alright, fair enough.” Marcus responded, “Now, please tell me there’s some way to get us to our own little neck of the multiverse.”

“Well, okay. I’m going to level with you. Our interdimensional tech has been down ever since we contained SCP-682 last month. That means there’s just one place we might be able to find a way out of this dimension.”

“Actually, we might know what’s up with that.” Lauren started.

Trevor held up his hand, interrupting her, “We shouldn’t be talking about this here. C’mon, let’s get to site-87.”

“And how’re we supposed to believe they won’t just try to recontain us?” Marcus asked bitterly, pushing Katherine behind himself.

“Relax, kid. Sloth's Pit is a nexus, so the anomalous is commonplace around here. We don’t contain anyone unless they pose an actual threat to the town.” Tristan assured him.

Katherine poked her head out from behind Marcus. “These guys helped us out last month, remember? Besides, It’s not like we’re spoiled for options.”

The three Foundation employees and the three extradimensional foreigners walked down the streets of Sloth's Pit, completely unnoticed. After an hour or two, they came up to a building. It was designed to look like a normal business establishment, with a sign over the front door reading “S&C Plastics”. Tristan pulled his employee card out of his pocket and held it up to the reader.

The door opened, and the half-dozen entered the building. There were some chairs and other furniture off to the side, almost like a sort of lounge area. The receptionist’s desk had a bowl of candy on it with a note attached requesting the reader ‘take only two’.

“Ignore the note.” Tristan told the newcomers, “SCP-330’s over at another site.”

“SC-what now?” Kat asked him.

“It’s a candy bowl that cuts off your hands if you take more than a couple pieces out. Don’t worry, this one’s harmless.” Trevor explained, nonchalantly tossing a few pieces over to the teens while the Baileys took some for themselves.

“Nothing like free candy from near-strangers.” Lauren snarked, “Oh well, guess there’s nothing for it at this point.” She unwrapped a piece and popped it into her mouth.

The group walked through the door into the main section of site-87. It more resembled what little they’d seen of site-100, except decorated for the holidays. There were black and orange streamers hanging on the walls, some posters from various horror movies over the past century, and a plexiglass case containing a floating roll of toilet paper being orbited by a dozen eggs. “What’s with that thing?” Marcus pointed at the toilet paper.

“That would be E-5768.” An entirely new person answered, “I caught it myself back in October of ‘12.”

“No kidding?” Katherine sounded amazed. “You’ve been around since the 1910’s?”

“No, 2012. Say, you’re not native to Sloth's Pit, are you?”

“No, we’re from another dimension and we’re trying to get back.” Marcus confirmed.

The man winced. “Sorry kid, but our interdimensional tech’s been on the fritz the past month.”

“Actually, we think we might know why that is, Dr. What’s-your-face.” Lauren interjected.

“Name’s Dr. West. Now, if you’ve got an explanation for our interdimensional malfunctions, I suppose we’d best sit somewhere.”

“Okay, full disclosure, we don’t actually know for certain what’s going on with your dimension tech. It’s more like an educated guess.” Marcus started, “See, a week after you guys left with SCP-682, two other Foundation employees came over to contain a zombie virus that’d infected a hotel.”

“Ah. 008, I take it?” Tristan guessed, “But what does that have to do with anything?”

“Those two scientists, I think they said their names were Kondraki and Crow, figured the SCPs were coming to our world from some sort of dimensional something-or-other that meant our two universes were merging, and it’d destroy both dimensions.” Katherine answered.

“Oh, yeah, that would explain why our multi-universal tech’s been down.” Trevor looked like he’d realized something. “That means we’ll probably have to turn to magic to get you back to your dimension.”

“Seriously? You’re actually going to help us?” Lauren asked skeptically.

“Sure, my schedule’s open. I figure it’d probably make it easier to stop our universes from colliding.”

“Finally, some good news! So, where are we going?” Katherine asked.

“The Eight Rings Nightclub. Or you are, at least. Humans can’t go there, but with any luck you three will be fine since you’re not humans.” Tristan answered her.

“Oh, that’s reassuring. If humans aren’t welcome there, who is?” Marcus asked.

Tristan grinned. “Monsters. Don’t worry, we’ll figure out a way to remotely communicate with you. According to our research, your best bet is the Goatman. Trust me, you’ll know him when you see him.”

Katherine nodded. “Alright, thanks. Now then, team, who’s ready to go to a monster nightclub?”

“Cool. Woohoo.” Marcus responded dryly.

A few hours later, the two inklings and the octoling found themselves entering the ancient, oaken doors of the Eight Rings Nightclub, each having a small device in their ears and on their foreheads so the Bailey triplets could communicate with them and see everything they saw. In the pub, the lighting was dark, with an orange glow. There were tables scattered around the building, with a bar near the front.

“Keep your heads down. Remember, we’re just here for the Goatman.” Marcus reminded them.

“Affirmative.” Katherine responded. Lauren nodded. The three wandered around the pub, looking for the Goatman while avoiding eye contact with the other patrons. There was a faceless man in a business suit with tentacles on his sides whose drinks couldn’t get through his lack of mouth, a pale young man with no eyelids feeding a pasty white creature with glowing eyes, a giant dog with a strangely human-like smile walking around begging for food, and several other creatures.

After a few minutes, they saw a man with the legs, eyes, and horns of a goat sitting by himself at a table in the middle of the establishment. The three pulled out the chairs around the table, sitting to face the Goatman. “Oh no, no, no. Don’t ask or anything. Just pull up some chairs for yourselves.”

“Thanks.” Marcus responded, completely ignoring the obvious sarcasm. “We’ve got something we need to talk about.”

“Very well. Mary! Over here!” The Goatman called someone over, his hand raised in the air.

A few seconds later, a woman walked over to their table, wearing a bloodred dress. A viscous black liquid poured down from her empty eye sockets. “You called?” She asked, tone deadpan and cynical.

“Mary, get me some tequila.” The Goatman narrowed his gaze at the three teenagers. “I get the feeling I’m going to need a drink.”

“Sure.” As Mary walked away, they could hear her muttering to herself, “You kill one teenager who summons you from a bathroom mirror and suddenly you’re too untrustworthy to be anything other than a waitress.”

The Goatman glared at the interlopers. “Now, explain. What’s a bunch of kids doing in a tavern of monsters? Actually...” He leaned over, getting a better look. “You’re not human either, are you? I don’t recognize you.”

“Actually, we’re inklings. Well, Katherine’s an octoling, but that’s not important. What’s important is that we’re from an alternate dimension.” Lauren told him.

“Well now, that is interesting. Maybe I won’t disembowel you and devour your entrails after all.”

Marcus leaned back in his chair, holding onto the table to keep himself from falling. “Thanks, that’s very reassuring.”

“Say, that scent…” The Goatman sniffed the air around them, growling in anger. “You’ve got the smell of plastic fanatics.”

“Plastic who now?” Lauren asked.

“Do you have any idea how much trouble those plastic fanatics have caused us?”

“He must mean the Foundation. Play it cool; I’ve got this.” Marcus whispered to the others. “If you’re worried about us, don’t bother. We were actually contained by the fanatics for a month until being liberated by the Serpent’s Hand.”

The Goatman’s anger dissipated, replaced with a sort of approval. “You know the Hand? Now I’m really starting to reconsider killing you all. Oh, there you are, Mary.” The woman from earlier had returned, now carrying a glass of alcohol that she placed in front of the Goatman. After downing half the glass in a few seconds, the Goatman started speaking again, his voice now slurred, “You know, I think I might be able to help you out here. If you’ll give me something in return, of course.”

“Whaddaya want?” Marcus asked, fully aware the Goatman was likely their only way back home.

“A few years back, my girlfriend, Sinning Jessie, broke up with me because the humans stopped telling her stories. We’re the embodiment of stories and folklore, so that means if people stop telling our stories, we disappear. Course, they actually did something worse to her.”

“What’s worse than that?” Katherine asked.

“They weren’t content to stop telling her story. Instead, they changed it. Now they call her Singing Jessie.”

“Let me guess: you want us to find your old flame and convince her to get back with you.” Marcus assumed.

“No, I’ve given up on that. I just want you to find her so I can know how she’s doing. Make sure she’s happy, at the very least. Then, I’ll help you get to the Wanderer's Library. If you’re really in league with the Hand, you should have no problem getting back to your dimension from there.”

“Alright, deal. We’ll find out how your ex is doing, and you’ll help us get back to the library.” Lauren confirmed.

“That’s about i- hey!” The Goatman turned in the direction of tables being overturned and drinks flying across the tavern. “Ripper! Spring-heel! If no one’s placing bets, take it outside!” He turned back to the others. “Sorry abo-” He was interrupted by two woman insulting each other in a foreign language and trying to cliche each other with scissors and sickles. “Kuchisake-Onna, stop calling Teki Teki halfie! Teki Teki, stop calling Kuchisake-Onna smile girl!” He waited until they died down.

“Sorry about the interruption. This year, we’ve gotten a lot of foreign visitors. The two Jacks are from Britain, plus there’s la llorona from Mexico, and some yokai from japan. I take it you’ll be leaving now.”

“Yeah, we’ll be back after we find Sinning Jessie.” Marcus confirmed as the three left the table.

Once they’d left, the Goatman muttered to himself, “What a day.” He downed the rest of his tequila.

“I hate to ask this, but what exactly is our plan here?” Katherine asked. “We agreed to find Sinning Jessie, but we have no idea where to start looking.”

“Don’t ask me. I only agreed because the Goatman’s our only way out of this dimension. If anything, we should probably start looking in the forest.” Marcus suggested.

“What makes you say that?” Lauren asked.

Marcus shrugged. “Hey, it’s a dark forest on the outskirts of an anomalous town. Where else would the manifestation of an urban legend hang out?”

“Fair point.”

“Y’know, this is kinda reminding me of the teleporting guy.” Katherine pointed out.

“Oh yeah, because that ended so well for us.” Lauren snarked, “Let’s just hope this one doesn’t send us to another dimension, or scatter us across the multiverse, or teleport us into space.”

“Probably not. We should still be careful, though, in case she turns out to be hostile.” Marcus suggested.

The three aimlessly wandered through the forest for several hours. Eventually, Katherine asked, “So, have either of you two ever dated anyone?”

“Nah. I knew this guy named Tyler back at Innsmouth county, but we never really had anything.” Lauren explained.

Marcus cleared his throat. “I, uh, I actually had a girlfriend once, but...” He stared at the ground. “...I don’t like talking about it.”

“Okay, fair enough.” Katherine continued forward, opting not to press any further. A few minutes later, she yelled, “Hey, guys, check this out!” She was gesturing at something that resembled an old campsite. There were four rotting logs arranged in a loose semicircle around the remains of a small campfire, unlit for years.

Katherine picked up an old guitar that was leaning against one of the logs, its paint chipped and strings cut. “You guys think this might mean something?” She experimentally strummed one of the strings, eliciting a hollow, tinny sound. The string instantly snapped.

“Maybe. Why would anyone leave a guitar here?” Marcus wondered aloud.

“Hey guys, check this out!” Lauren called over to them, “Whaddaya think this stuff is?”

“I think it might be dried human blood. Pretty sure I remember seeing some in a book in the Wanderer's Library.” Marcus answered.

“Well, if this is blood, it could give us some kind of lead.” Kat suggested. “Like forensics investigators, but without the luxury of being able to rule out the impossible.” Her eyebrows raised. “Wait a sec, you mean you saw it in a picture, right?”

Marcus glanced to the side. “Sure.”

“Who are you looking for?” A strange voice asked. The three looked up, seeing a woman with blood around her mouth wearing a dirty, tattered old wedding dress. Closer inspection showed that she was translucent, and floated a few inches above the ground.

“Are you Sinning Jessie?” Lauren hesitantly asked the spirit.

The strange woman gave them an approximation of a smile. “Yes. I must admit, it’s nice to hear someone speak my real name. But why are you looking for me in the first place?”

“It’s not us, it’s the Goatman. He told us to see how you’re doing.”

“Him? Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt any.” She said, sounding almost apprehensive. She picked up a nearby piece of bark, and closed her eyes until her hand caught on fire. The fire went out after a second, and Sinning Jessie held out the bark towards the trio.

After a moment’s hesitation, Marcus took the bark from Jessie. As he’d expected, it was painfully hot to the touch, though it cooled surprisingly fast. “What’re we supposed to do with this?”

“Take it to the Goatman. He’ll understand what it means.”

“Alright, if you say so.” Marcus held up the bark, smiling. “Lauren, Kat, let’s head back to the Eight Rings.”

After about a half hour, they found the goatman at the same table from earlier. “Did you find her?” He asked succinctly.

“Yeah. She gave us this.” Marcus pulled the burnt bark out of his pocket to hand it to the Goatman.

The longer the Goatman gazed at the bark, the more his demonic eyes welled up with tears. “Thank you. Now, I suppose it’s time to uphold my end of the bargain.” He stood up, and led the teenagers out behind the inn. Once they were outside, he drew a series of runes on the dirt with his fingers. He stood up, holding his arm out over the runes. “Magna bibliotheca ad centrum omnium, aperta tibi ad me.”

The runes glowed a warm, bright blue for a few short moments, until a Way appeared above them. “Good luck. This is as far as I can help you.” The Goatman walked back inside the pub.

“Alright team.” Lauren stood between her companions, placing her palms on each of their nearest shoulders. “Let’s go home.”

When the three teenagers entered the Wanderer's Library, they saw that several shelves of books had been knocked over, and some had been reduced to splinters. Marcus picked up a couple of books, reading the titles aloud, “Huh. The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe and T he Fellowship Of The Ring .” He set the books down among the pile of ripped pages and jagged wood. “I’m guessing David and his snake monster have been here.”

“Yeah, but it looks like they took care of him already.” Katherine pointed to a giant, crystalline serpent, lying dead on the floor several dozen feet away. David was nowhere to be found. “Can’t say I’m sad. C’mon, let’s find Jack so he can open us a Way back home.”

Chapter Text

Dr. Charles Ogden Gears had taken hours to arrange a meeting between what he’d hoped would be the best and brightest the SCP foundation had to offer. He was sitting at a table with Drs. Bright, Clef, Kondraki, and King. Despite his explanation of his encounter with SCP-990, they’d been unable to figure out the meaning of the word Khahrahk meant. They’d since moved on to discussing the influx of SCPs, as well as the impending collision of the two dimensions.

“What we need to do is find the SCPs as they appear, and bring them back into containment.” Dr. King suggested.

“And how do you suggest we do that?” Clef pointed out.

“We could always keep an eye on the news. Ever think about that, Alto?” Kondraki responded.

“Always the wisecracker, eh Konnie?”

“You two, settle down.” Gears calmly ordered.

“Now, now, Charles, don’t interrupt them. I want to see where this goes.” Dr. Bright grinned while watching the altercation. He was wearing an amulet around his neck with a red gemstone in the center and an elaborate pattern of silver archways within its perimeter, as well as an orange jumpsuit with a tag on the chest reading 9341.

“Bright, could you at least try to take this seriously?” Dr. King snapped, “We’re trying to save the multiverse here!”

“So? How’s that any different from our usual job?” Bright asked.

“Enough, all of you.” Dr. Gears swiped his arms forward. “Now, I believe that Kondraki’s suggestion to monitor the news may be our best bet, as any anomalous activity would no doubt be immediately reported on by the mainstream news here.”

Dr. Clef derisively retorted, “Figures you’d side with the guy who nearly destroyed Site-19. Remember that, Konnie? The time you nearly wrecked one of our most important facilities just because you wanted to ride 682?”

Kondraki’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Why yes, I do remember that, Clef. Say, do you remember the time you tried to kill a little girl on the off chance she might have gone rogue, even though her containment procedures already ensured that wouldn’t happen?”

Clef loudly slammed his palms on the table, practically snorting out of his nose. “SCP-239 was a disaster waiting to happen and you know it! If Gears hadn’t injected her with coma juice, who knows what could’ve happened?”

“It was a chemical, not a juice.” Gears argued.

“Really? That’s your takeaway?” Bright pointed out.

“Accuracy is important, my good man. Speaking of importance, I think we’re losing track of the conversation.”

“Agreed. We should be focused on locating the escaped SCPs.” Dr. King added.

Roughly a dozen feet away, an old man crawled out of the manhole. He seemed to be well past his 90’s, hunched over and gripping a bamboo-colored walking stick with his right hand. Despite his eyes looking partially glazed over, he almost immediately noticed the humans. “What’re you lot doing here? This is my secret base; get your own!”

Dr. King stood up. “Allow me to explain.” He gestured for his colleagues to stay at the table, while he walked over to the old man. “I am Dr. Everett King. My fellow scientists and I have come from an alternate universe to contain anomalous entities that are escaping from our dimension into yours.”

The old man slowly put his hand up to his face, shaking his head. “I suppose I had better sit down.”

Marie was in the forest, searching for the three lost agents, when her phone rang. She answered it without hesitation as soon as she saw the caller’s name. “Hey, gramps! Where’ve you been? Do you have any idea what’s going on?”

“Actually, I just found out.” He sounded much more tired than usual, as though he’d aged even more over the past month and a half since they’d seen him.

“Oh. I guess that means you met Gears, then.”

“Yes. I also met Dr. Clef, Dr. Kondraki, Dr. Bright, and Dr. King.”

Marie thought for a moment. “I’m sorry you had to find out from them. Cal and I would’ve been there, but right now we’re looking for agents 3, 4, and 8.”

“Yes, I heard about how they went missing. I hope you find them, really, I do.”

“Thanks, gramps.” Marie remembered something that’d been nagging at her for some time. “Just out of curiosity, what took you so long to get back?”

Her grandfather hesitated. “He escaped.”

“Wait. Who escaped?” Marie hoped she was wrong about the only guess she could think of.

“Octavio. While I was helping the police transport him to the prison in Octo Valley, our vehicle was attacked by a group of octarian loyalists. He managed to escape, and we spent weeks trying to relocate him until we heard about how a monster nearly destroyed Inkopolis. I couldn’t be prouder of your team for stopping it.”

Marie fought back bitter tears. “How can you be proud?! That thing wrecked a quarter of the city!”

“Yes, but thanks to all of you, it was only a quarter, and from what I’ve heard, the rebuilding is going well.”

“Thanks or whatever. Do you want us to head back to base now?”

“No, not until you find the other agents. I know they’re alive somewhere, even if I don’t know where. Those kids are too tough to go down without a fight!”

“That’s true. I’ll tell the others about this.”

“Thank you, Marie. I love you.”

Marie smiled. “I love you too, gramps.” She hung up, and started texting the others.

[Marie] Hey, Callie, guess what?

[Callie] What is it?

[Callie] Hold up, I’m getting a call from gramps. Let me take this, and then I’ll get back to you.

[Marie] K. I’ll contact Marina and Pearl.

[Marie] Hey guys! Big news, respond now.

[Marina] What is it? Did you find the others?

[Marie] Well, no sadly. But my grandfather just called me, and Callie’s talking to him right now.

[Pearl] Wait, your grandfather? You mean Craig?

[Marie] Yeah, exactly. Turns out he came back after he heard about the kaiju incident. There’s bad news though.

[Marina] What is it? Another SCP?

[Marie] Not this time. Octavio escaped, and they don’t know where he went.

[Marina] This is really bad. Who knows what he’s up to now?

[Pearl] Wait, Octavio? Wasn’t he the guy in charge of the octarians?

[Marina] Yeah, I was one of his higher-ranking scientists until two years ago.

[Callie] I remember that. That’s when we recruited agent 3. If octavio’s out, then we have to recapture him immediately.

[Marina] Agreed. I remember he had a real giant mecha fetish, and in case you don’t remember from a couple months ago, he can hold a grudge like no one’s business. Leaving him to his own devices for too long, especially right after an even bigger defeat than last time, can’t end well for anyone.

[Pearl] Well, on the bright side it’ll be nice to see Craig again. Marina and I haven’t seen him since the Deepsea Metro incident.

[Callie] Isn’t that when you guys met Kat?

[Pearl] Yep, sure is. Honestly, I think Craig might’ve been a bit untrusting of her at first, but Kat’s a good kid. Same with Marcus and Lauren. Just hoping we find them soon.

[Marina] Since when are you on a first-name basis with Cuttlefish?

[Pearl] Well, he never said we weren’t on a first-name basis. Besides, he owes me for teaching him how to text.

[Callie] Nevermind all that. What’re we going to do about Octavio?

[Marie] It’s not just Octavio. We’ve also got the SCPs to deal with, and we’ve got to find the other agents.

[Callie] We’re already stretching our resources way too thin. Gramps told me Gears brought some other foundation guys into the base. Maybe they could help us look?

[Marina] Isn’t that way too risky? I mean, who knows what could happen if someone saw them? Their species is supposed to be extinct, remember?

[Callie] I’ve honestly been thinking for a while. We may as well break the masquerade.

[Marina] Callie, are you sure that’s a good idea? If the public finds out that these SCPs are leaking in from another dimension, not to mention the fact the entire universe could be destroyed, who knows what sort of mass panic could happen?

[Pearl] Hey, wait, I think I’m getting this. We don’t tell them everything, just the basics. There’s monsters from another dimension, but we’ve got people from the same dimension helping us get it under control, and we don’t bring up the universal collision at all.

[Callie] That’s exactly what I was thinking.

[Marie] Okay, that’s not a bad idea. If everyone knows about the foundation, they’ll be able to look for Octavio while we keep looking for our friends, and Gears will have an easier time monitoring for new SCPs.

[Pearl] Now we’ve just gotta figure out who’s going to break the news. Obviously, it should be one of us four introducing it to ease everyone in, and then one of the foundation guys coming in from offscreen, making as good an impression as possible. Marie, you’re technically the leader of the new squidbeak splatoon. I’m thinking you should do it.

[Marie] Thanks, but Callie’s always been more personable than me, so it should probably be her. Any objections, cous?

[Callie] No, that sounds reasonable.

[Marina] Cool. Now that that’s settled, quick question: Why d’you 2 call yourselves the Squid Sisters if you’re cousins?

[Callie] Alliteration

[Marie] Yeah, pretty much. Everyone loves alliteration.

[Marina] But wait, if your grandfather is Craig Cuttlefish, wouldn’t that make your last names Cuttlefish too? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call yourselves the Cuttlefish Cousins?

[Callie] But we’re not cuttlefish, we’re inklings. That’s just our last name.

[Lauren] Callie? Are you there?

[Marcus] Marie? Can you see this?

[Katherine] Marina, respond ASAP.

[Katherine] Pearl, respond ASAP

Three young agents emerged from a Way, into the middle of a long-abandoned alleyway. They walked out into the street, where a few inklings and octolings were casually walking around. “Yes!” Katherine jumped and screamed in unbridled joy, “Finally, we’re back home!”

Lauren slapped her palm against her friend’s mouth. “Kat! Down-low, remember?”

Katherine let out a muffled squeak, and nodded.

We should call the others right away.” Marcus suggested.

Lauren took her palm away from Katherine’s mouth. “Agreed. Who knows what’s happened, or how worried they are at this point? Marcus, you call Marie. I’ll contact Callie. Kat, call Marina and Pearl.” The other two nodded, and the three started texting their friends.

[Lauren] Callie? Are you there?

[Marcus] Marie? Can you see this?

[Katherine] Marina, respond ASAP.

[Katherine] Pearl, respond ASAP

[Callie] Wait.

[Marie] Mark! Finally!

[Marina] Where are you three?

[Pearl] Where’ve you been the past month? We’ve been worried sick. We thought you might’ve been dead!

[Katherine] Sorry about that. We actually got stuck in another dimension.

[Marie] That’s what Gears told us might happen. This whole time, we were hoping you’d be able to come back.

[Lauren] Yeah, eventually.

[Marcus] Wait, are the seven of us all in one chat thing? Is Gears here too?

[Callie] Yeah, you three joined our conversation from earlier. Gears isn’t in on it, though. He’s still back at base and besides, we’ve got a lot to talk about.

[Lauren] Figures. What’s changed?

[Pearl] Oh, not much. Just Cuttlefish is back, Octavio’s escaped and is no doubt plotting his revenge, Gears brought in some more foundation scientists, and we’ve decided we have to reveal the humans so they can help us easier.

[Lauren] That sounds like the opposite of not much changing!

[Marcus] Are you guys sure exposing our operations is such a good idea?

[Marie] Don’t worry. We’re only telling them about the SCPs and the scientists, not the universes colliding. Plus, we figure Callie and one of the Foundation guys ought to be the ones who break the news.

[Callie] That about sums it up.

[Lauren] That’s actually not a bad idea.

[Katherine] Agreed. This way, it’ll be easier for Gears and the others to operate without having to hide, plus with the three of us back it’ll be easier to split our resources between tracking down the SCPs and finding Octavio.

[Marcus] Alright, let’s head back to base. Looking around, we should only be an hour or so away.

[Callie] Wait a second. Katherine, did you just respond to Lauren’s text with another text? I thought you three were all together.

[Marcus] We are.

[Katherine]...

[Katherine] No.

[Pearl] Uh-huh, sure. Just head back to base, will you? I’m sure you’ve got plenty to tell us about.

[Marcus] You’ve got no idea. Headed back now.

[Lauren] Same

[Katherine] Ditto

[Marie] Alright, the four of us will start heading back now, right?

[Callie] You got it!

[Marina] No reason to stay here now.

[Pearl] Some other thing because I want to contribute to this conversation!

It was nearing an hour later when Marie, Callie, Marina, and Pearl entered the New Squidbeak Splatoon’s base of operations. “Guys, we’re back! And we found the others!” Marie yelled excitedly.

“Excellent! Where are they, then?” Cuttlefish looked around.

“They texted us from another part of the city. We’re not sure how they got there, but it should only take a couple of minutes.”

“C’mon, I can see the plaza!” Marcus gestured in the general direction where they were going.

As soon as they entered the plaza, they heard a deafening “ CACK! ” The sound knocked over a dozen tables, and nearly deafened the agents.

“Ow! What the hell was that?” Lauren asked, not expecting an answer.

“CACK! AM CHRISTENED HERR DOKTOR SPANKOFLEX!” The voice was painfully loud.

Despite how much the three looked around, they were unable to see anything nearly big enough to produce the volume they were hearing. “Careful, it might be invisible.” Kat warned.

“CACK! NOT UNVIEWING ABLE-TO! VERY OCULAR FRIEND-LIKE!”

“Ah man, what’s it saying? Sounds like gibberish.” Marcus pointed out.

While they were scanning the plaza, a small bird flew onto one of the nearby tables that hadn’t been knocked over and stared at the agents. When it opened its mouth, they heard the loud voice again. “HAVE YON PROCURE-GOT A PLUS-NAUGHT NUMERICAL OF STRANGLEFRUITS?”

“Guys, I think that bird might be what’s making all that noise!” Katherine realized.

“Got it!” Lauren tried to grab the bird, only for it to fly off. Marcus jumped on the table, using it as a springboard to catch the bird in midair and land on his feet, stumbling forward from the momentum.

The bird was struggling in his hand. “CACK! WHATFORE DO YON BE THOUGHT-SPOUTING TO PERFORM UPON MY BODY-SELF?” It sounded slightly louder than before.

Marcus screamed in pain, with his green ink-blood trickling from his ears. Lauren rushed over to him, covering his ears while Katherine closed her hands over the bird’s beak, stopping it from speaking. “Lauren, get something to stop the ink-flow and something to tie around the bird’s beak. Man, now how’s that for a sentence?”

Lauren glanced around for a few seconds, and decided to take some napkins from a nearby table, balling them up and stuffing them into Marcus’s ears. “Sorry, buddy. This is just until we can get to the first aid kit in the base.”

“Thanks.”

Lauren wadded up several more napkins and tied them around the bird’s beak, preventing it from rupturing their eardrums. “C’mon, let’s go.” Katherine gestured over to the base entrance. “Mark, can you hear me? Are you feeling okay?”

Marcus nodded, patting his cheeks. He yelled in order to hear himself. “Yeah, I’m fine!” The three of them ran over to the base.

The group of ten had been waiting in awkward silence, for the past five minutes, when the entrance opened again. Marcus’s ea rs were stuffed full of napkins, stained with green ink-blood, while Lauren was holding a bird with a piece of napkin tied around its beak.

The three agents ran over to the table where the others were. “Here.” Lauren handed Dr. King the bird to examine it. “SCP-2337?”

“Yeah, I thought this thing would be an SCP.” Lauren remarked, “It nearly deafened my friend.” She brought Marcus in by her side.

“I’ve got something for that.” Callie retrieved a box of bandages from the table they were sitting at, and applied them to Marcus’s ears to replace the napkins before throwing them into the garbage.

“Thanks.” He muttered.

Dr. King stood up, holding the loud bird. “I’ll get SCP-2337 back to Dr. Edison. It should only take a few minutes.” He activated a device to open a portal, and walked into his own dimension while it remained open.

“Wait a second.” Katherine remembered, “When we went to Sloth's Pit, one of the Baileys told us their interdimensional tech was down. What gives?”

“Wait, when did you kids go to Sloth's Pit?” Kondraki asked her.

“That was the last place we got lost in before we found our way back here. Anyway, they said they were having trouble with tech involving different universes.” Marcus loudly explained in order to hear himself.

Dr. Gears nodded in thought. “Site-87 is located in the anomalous nexus town of Sloth's Pit. Considering the information SCP-990 imparted upon me last night, it makes sense they’d start experiencing such problems sooner than other sites. No doubt unless we prevent this situation from escalating any further, the rest of the Foundation may soon follow suit, and we may no longer be able to reliably transport SCPs back to our universe.”

Marie turned to him. “Wait, SCP-990? Why didn’t you tell us about him?”

Kondraki laughed, “Shows what you know.”

Dr. Bright elaborated, “SCP-990 only exists in dreams, so there’s no way to actually contain him. Besides, he helps out the Foundation by warning us when the apocalypse is coming, so it might not be in our best interest to contain him anyway.”

“And as an added bonus, he only appears to Foundation personnel as far as we know, so we don’t have to worry about him spilling our extremely dirty little secrets to the world at large.” Kondraki added.

“Okay, that clears it up. So what did he tell you, Gears?” Marcus asked, while his hearing was starting to recover.

“Unfortunately, he was unable to be as transparent in his warning as he usually is, due to being in an alternate dimension from usual. All he was able to informed me about is that the entire multiverse is being threatened by something called Khahrahk.”

“Do you think that might be what’s causing our dimensions to merge?” Lauren asked.

“Could be. Whatever this Khahrahk thing is, it’s probably crazy powerful. Of course, that would mean we were wrong about our lizard theory.” Callie answered.

“Lizard? You mean the one from right before the zombie incident?” Pearl asked.

“Yes, I’ll presume you’re speaking of SCP-682.” Gears responded.

“As though Octavio escaping wasn’t enough trouble, now we have a new, even greater threat to consider.” Craig looked more concerned than his granddaughters could ever remember seeing him.

“One problem at a time. First off, we’ve decided it’s in our best interest to expose the humans to the public.” Marina informed the scientists.

“No way! The Foundation is sworn to secrecy! Maintaining the veil is one of our top priorities!” Dr. Clef yelled above the others.

“Maybe in your world, but here, it could be in our best interest, since cephalings will be more inclined to contact us about SCP encounters.”

Craig thought for a moment about Clef and Marina’s reasonings. “I don’t like the idea of exposing our group’s activities to the public. Still, I must admit that the logic of doing so is sound.”

Dr. King exited the portal, and closed it behind himself. “Alright, I just got SCP-2337 back to Dr. Edison. Turns out, he was just looking for gummy worms, or as he calls them, stranglefruits.”

“Good. By the way, what’s with the way he was talking? It didn’t make any sense, and it was ear-piercing. I should know.” Marcus gestured to his bandages.

“Oh yeah, SCP-2337 talks in some language that’s only tangentially related to english. As for the volume, he’s physically incapable of talking below 90 decibels as far as we can tell. From what we can gather, he honestly doesn’t mean any harm.” Dr. King explained.

Marcus rolled his eyes bitterly. “Yeah, I’m sure. Anyway, we should probably catch you up on what we’ve been discussing.”

After a few minutes, Dr. King had been convinced of the group’s plan to break the New Squidbeak Splatoon’s seal of secrecy. “Hey, you know what I just realized? There’s thirteen of us, like our own little overseer council.”

Craig looked over at Dr. King. “May I ask what an overseer council is?”

“Oh, right, you guys wouldn’t know. The overseer council, or the O-5’s, are the people in charge of the Foundation. No one knows anything about them except there’s 13 of them.”

“Even that isn’t completely certain.” Dr. Clef remarked, “Some say there’s 14 of them, or that the ethics committee might hold even more power. Really, the Foundation higher-ups are an ambiguous number of question marks and enigmas.”

“Takes one to know one.” Kondraki replied.

“Clef, Kondraki, silence. We must figure out which of us will be the human portion of the impending announcement to publicise ourselves to this wo rld.” Gears reminded them.

Chapter Text

“Okay, let’s go over our plan.” Dr. King addressed the New Squidbeak Splatoon, as well as a small group of SCP Foundation scientists, “Callie will start the news broadcast. She’ll talk about how she has an important announcement, but it’s nothing to worry about, and then she’ll pull off the bandaid of the Squidbeak’s existence. That’s when one of us humans will walk in from offscreen and reveal the SCP Foundation’s existence, the existence of our home dimension and the SCPs, but keep it a secret that the multiverse might be en route to exploding. Now, any ideas on which of us should go?”

Dr. Gears stood up from his chair, and pointed at one of his fellow scientists. “I would like to nominate Dr. Clef.”

“Why me?”

“For once, I agree.” Kondraki glared at Clef. “What reason could you possibly have for choosing Dr. Clef of all people?”

“Simple. I want to see if the cameras of this world obscure his face in the same way as the ones in our world.”

“I don’t get it. What exactly are you looking for?” Marcus inquired.

Dr. Clef leaned back in his chair. “In our universe, cameras are incapable of capturing my face. It always shows up as a ukelele, an alto clef symbol, or a giant spider. Nobody knows how or why, myself included.”

“Some of us have got a hunch it might have something to do with his time working for the GOC before he joined the Foundation.” Dr. King added.

“And the GOC is…?” Lauren waved her hand in a circle.

“Above your nonexistent pay grade.”

“Hey, Clef, maybe we could test if your effect on women works on inklings!” Dr. Kondraki suggested.

“I’m sorry, what effect does he have on women?” Callie squinted at Dr. Clef.

Kondraki shrugged. “For whatever reason, women are anomalously repulsed by Dr. Clef.”

“I’’m not entirely sure that’s anomalous.” Marie remarked.

“Oh, not you too!”

Callie was sitting in the news studio at Inkopolis Plaza, waiting for Dr. Clef to arrive. She looked at the clock, and realized she only had five minutes until they were supposed to go live. “Oh shoot...” She looked around the empty studio, quietly begging, “Come on, Clef, show up already…”

By the time Callie only had a few seconds before she’d have to go live, Clef still hadn’t shown up. “Guess I’ve gotta improvise.” She adjusted her shirt, trying to look relaxed as the cameras activated. “Hey everyone. I, uh, I know we’ve been having something, uh, a bit of a month recently.” She hoped she wasn’t sweating as much as she thought she was. “I have to admit, we, well, I mean, that is to say, we haven’t been entirely honest. Or really honest at all.” She hoped this wouldn’t be seen as damage control.

“For example, some of you may remember the… what was it? Oh, right, the gas leak at New Albacore. Well, some of you might’ve suspected there was something more. Just know that there was.” Callie inhaled, and then exhaled. “It was a zombie epidemic. Some of you might not believe me.” Callie almost smiled; she was starting to get more confident as she kept talking. “I can’t say I blame you, but now, I’m telling the truth. The kaiju from last month that destroyed part of the city was from another dimension, and the two incidents are connected. So was the giant lizard monster from even earlier.”

Callie paused, second-guessing her decision. She ultimately decided she was in far too deep to back out. “The theory of alternate dimensions has been proven correct, and all of these creatures have come from a different universe. I urge you all to not panic, because I’ve got some good news too. My cousin and I, along with our grandfather and three others, are all part of a small peacekeeping militia known as the New Squidbeak Splatoon. We’ve been operating in secret for a few years now, keeping the peace from the shadows, and we’ve recently gathered some allies from the alternate reality.”

Callie looked around, growing more frustrated by the second. “I said, we’ve got some allies from that dimension! Oh for the love of- can someone cut to commercial? Oh right, We can’t- No wait, I just remembered, uh...” Callie ran offscreen, flipping the switch to change to a commercial for a new food product.

All Marie could say was, “Wow. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.”

Out of the 10 others watching the broadcast, Drs. Bright and Kondraki were eating from a tub of popcorn before the commercial break started. “That was...” Bright trailed off.

“Interesting.” Marcus finished.

“Yes, if by ‘interesting’, you mean a complete disaster.” Dr. King corrected him.

“Now, now, there’s still hope they can salvage this. So long as Dr. Clef shows up soon.” Craig tried to keep up morale.

“Yeah, we probably shouldn’t have let him leave drunk.” Bright admitted.

Katherine nodded. “Yeah.” Her eyes widened. “Wait, what do you mean, drunk?”

“Oh, did I say drunk? I meant-”

“Intoxicated. Inebriated. Completely hammered.” Dr. Kondraki interrupted.

Lauren facepalmed. “Okay. I know I’m going to regret asking this, but how drunk is he?”

“It’s Clef. Trust me, you do not want to know.” Kondraki answered.

“That’s probably true.”

“This is going to be a disaster.” Marina spoke quietly, putting her head in her hands.

“Tell me about it. I didn’t make nearly enough popcorn!” Kondraki exclaimed.

“We’re back already?!” Callie looked around for Clef in a panic, shocked at how quick the commercial break had been. Before she could start figuring out a nuclear option, the door opened.

Dr. Clef burst into the studio. “Sorry I’m a bit late.”

“A bit late?! You were supposed to be here an hour ago, dude! And are you drunk?”

“What? No.” Dr. Clef drawled, staggering on his feet, “Now, let’s get started with this.” He turned to the camera, saying, “Kids, if a stranger approaches you on the street, all you gotta do is deck ‘em and run. Cut open their jugular with a pencil, exsanguinate them with a paperclip, or just go the old-fashioned route and give ‘em a nice hard kick in the happy sack. Just make sure they can’t-”

Callie aggressively slapped her palm over his mouth. “Clef, I don’t mean to sound rude, but what the hell do you think we’re doing here?!”

“I thought we were doing a PSA on stranger danger.”

Callie instinctively recoiled, as though she could subconsciously sense something inherently wrong with Clef. “Okay, first off, no one would ever let you do a PSA on stranger danger except as an example. Second, we’re breaking the masquerade, remember?”

Dr. Clef thought for a moment. “Oh, right! The masquerade! How silly of me! How could I forget?”

“By being drunk?”

“No! Maybe a little drunk. But anyway, the masquerade.” He turned back to the camera. “Myself and some other humans have come here to help contain anomalies from our dimension, or as we call them, SCPs. if you see anything strange or, as we say where I come from, anomalous, be sure to call us at 1-500-BITE-MY-”

Before Dr. Clef could finish, Callie took off her shoe and threw it at his head. “Ow! What was that for?”

“Clef! That’s not our number and you know it!”

“Well what do you expect? I’m drunk. Oh wait, I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

Callie lowered her face, and pinched her own forehead. “Oh, man, this is a disaster. Anyway, for everyone at home’s sake, the real number is (03) 215-2020. Just call (03) 215-2020 if you see something anomalous, and we’ll contain it in no time.”

Dr. Clef looked lost. “Now what do we do?”

Callie turned off the camera. “Now, we book it.”

“Hey guys. How’d it go?” Pearl asked, grinning at Callie and Clef when they returned to the base.

“I don’t wanna talk about it. You guys saw the broadcast, didn’t you?” Callie snapped.

“You bet we did. Still causing trouble wherever you go, eh Alto? Honestly, I didn’t expect anything different.” Kondraki laughed, “At least it made for good TV.”

“Very funny, Konnie.” Dr. Clef almost looked like he’d started to sober up.

“That was a complete disaster. We’ll be lucky if there isn’t a mass panic!” Dr. King yelled at them.

“Okay, I see your point, but you have to admit it was mostly his fault.” Callie gestured over to Clef.

“Look, here’s my idea: We wait a week or so for everyone to get used to the fact there are humans living around here, and then we send Kondraki, Clef, and Bright out to look for Octavio while Dr. Gears and Dr. King stay here to help us out with the SCPs.” Marina suggested, “Right? I think it’s pretty sound.”

Dr. King shook his head. “I hate to disagree, but those three together, without any proper supervision, can never end well. Instead, I’d recommend sending Drs. Gears and Clef. Myself, Kondraki, and Bright can stay here and help out with the SCPs.”

“Very well. You know your colleagues better than we do, and you seem mostly well-adjusted compared to them, so I’ll trust your judgement.” Craig approved.

“Alright, so we’ve got something vaguely approximating a rough outline of a plan. Now there’s just one more question.” Marcus started, “What’re we going to do about the humans from the infinite IKEA?”

“I doubt they could’ve made an entire settlement in just a month.” Marie considered after thinking for a brief moment, “I say we wait until next year and then send 5 of us to go check on them.”

“Alright, sounds good.” Lauren agreed, “Maybe we could give them financial aid as well. Our world’s economy is probably way different from theirs, so we should help them adjust. Maybe we could even establish a trading system to capitalize on an open market, thereby establishing a self-sufficient symbiotic economic relationship between us and the humans.”

Lauren realized that about half the group was giving her odd looks. “What? I paid a lot of attention in finance class.”

“Seriously? I was just thinking we could help them figure out what to name the place.” Bright suggested.

Chapter Text

“Kat. Katherine. Wake up.”

Katherine woke up to her housemate shaking her awake. “I...whuh...Mark? What is it?”

Marcus was standing over Katherine’s bed, grinning from ear to ear. “Dude, do you know what day it is?”

“I… yeah, it’s Octo-”

“It’s October 31st! Halloween!”

Kat shot up, sitting bolt upright. “Seriously? That’s a thing?”

“Yeah, man! It’s one of the most popular holidays in the world. Haven’t you seen the decorations everywhere?”

“Oh, I was wondering about those. So there’s really an entire holiday dedicated to mouth decay and night terrors?”

Marcus was bouncing on his heels in excitement. “Yeah, isn’t it great?”

“Yeah.” Katherine mused,  “Man, you inklings are bonkers.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Marcus took the octoling by the arm. “C’mon, let’s head down to the base and see if we’re needed for anything. I think the captain mentioned wanting to get the humans outside tonight.”

Katherine groaned, “Seriously, Mark? First you wake me up, now you want to head out without any breakfast?”

“Okay, good point. Breakfast first, then the base.”

“That’s more like it.”

“Lauren, are you sure about this?” Marcus questioned, “Letting the humans go out in public tonight sounds like, eh, how do I put this? A terrible idea?”

“Nonsense, it’s a great idea! What better time than Halloween to officially introduce them to the public? And let’s face it, we need all the good PR we can get after that stunt Callie and Clef pulled yesterday. Mainly Clef”

Marcus relented, “Okay, you’re definitely right about that. Plus, it’ll be Kat’s first Halloween after escaping the Deepsea Metro. I told her about it this morning, and she seemed skeptical, but on board.”

“I’ll bet she was.” Lauren smiled.

“Everyone, I’m afraid I have dire news.” Dr. Gears announced.

“Oh great, what is it this time? Another SCP?” Katherine asked from a few feet away.

“I’m afraid so. I just received a call from a civilian saying that a giant, hairy creature wearing some sort of helmet jumped out at her in her apartment, causing her to faint. When she woke up, as far as she informed me, nothing was disturbed, she was unharmed, and the monster was nowhere to be seen.”

“That’s weird. You mean it just scared her and left?” Marcus asked in confusion.

“I’m afraid I know exactly what we’re dealing with here. Everyone, come sit.” Dr. King gestured over to the table. As soon as all 13 of them had gathered around it, he started explaining, “What we have here is SCP-2006. It’s a creature with possibly limitless shapeshifting capabilities, obsessed with inflicting as much fear as possible. Other than that, it’s surprisingly friendly, and it has a very limited grasp on human emotions. We’ve been using that to our advantage, showing it low-budget B-movies from the fifties and convincing it they’re the pinnacle of horror.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad. If all this guy does is cheesy jump-scares, and he doesn’t actually hurt anyone, maybe we can wait until after Halloween to contain it.” Katherine suggested hopefully.

“Yeah, maybe he could even help with the holiday spirit.” Lauren agreed, “I think the city could use a morale boost like some actually harmless scares.”

“I’m afraid it’s not that simple, or harmless.” Bright shot her down, “Didn’t you hear what the man said? SCP-2006 has limitless shapeshifting potential, or if it does have an upper limit, then we don’t know what it is. It’s also obsessed with causing fear, and so far our best bet for containing it is limiting its grasp of fear.”

“Bright is correct.” Gears added, “If SCP-2006 were to find out what true horror is, the results could be disastrous.”

Lauren shuffled in her chair. “Oh. Yeah, I see what you’re getting at.”

Marcus nodded in agreement. “And especially with everything that’s been happening recently, the broken masquerade, and Halloween...” His voice trailed off.

“So much for the holiday spirit. We need to capture this guy immediately.” Katherine decided.

“From our interactions with him, we’ve gathered that he’s actually polite and friendly. With any luck, that’ll extend to outside containment as well. Just make sure that no matter how silly its chosen form is, you act like it’s the most horrifying thing you’ve ever seen.” Dr. King made sure to emphasize the right words to get his point across.

“Noted. How many of us are going?” Marie asked.

“I want all hands on deck for this one. The longer SCP-2006 is out wandering on its own, the bigger risk we take.”

“A good strategy, I must admit. You may yet prove yourself a useful ally.” Craig stated.

“Well, maybe not all of us.” Clef gestured to the old inkling.

The captain chuckled, “Ah, fair enough. I suppose I am more fit for mission-control status.”

“Alright, so the 12 of us will fan out across the city and look for SCP-2006. Any advice for the lucky winners who find it first?” Callie looked at Dr. King expectantly.

“Again, just convince it you’re utterly horrified by whatever form it’s adopted. Once it’s satisfied, it should come back quietly once you explain it’s going back to the Foundation.”

“Are you sure? It seriously doesn’t mind being contained?” Marina asked, surprised.

“Nope. it’s convinced we show it top-notch horror movies, so it’s content to stay with us. Still, we shouldn’t let it wander around too long.” Clef replied.

“Well, what’re we waiting for, then?” Pearl jumped out of her seat. “Let’s go already!”

“Right. We’ll split into teams of two: myself and Callie, Pearl and Marina, Marcus and Dr. Clef, Lauren and Katherine, Drs. King and Kondraki, and Drs. Gears and Bright. Does that sound good to everyone?” Marie recommended.

“Yes. I think that should prove fairly effective.” Gears approved.

“We set out now. Let’s go people, go, go, go!”

“Wait, are we supposed to go?” Marcus asked sarcastically, “I couldn’t exactly tell.”

Lauren and Katherine were searching through the streets in the middle of the night, after several hours of fruitless searching, periodically broken up with short breaks to eat and conserve energy. Katherine was busying herself with looking at the decorations, when Lauren asked her, “What was it like?”

Katherine snapped herself out of her own distracted stupor. “What was what like?”

“Joining up with that artist guy. What did he call himself?”

A look of recognition passed over Kat’s face. “You mean David, right? He said he was a member of something called Are We Cool Yet?. I’ll admit, it was actually kind of nice at first. He told me once we got done with our little ‘project’, he’d help me save you and Marcus from the people who kidnapped you guys. Guess we know how that turned out, huh?”

“Yeah, that didn’t end well. I’m guessing your project was that giant snake that attacked us in the Wanderer’s Library?”

“Yep. It was actually a painting I worked on with David.” She started counting the cracks and pockmarks in the sidewalk.

Lauren reached out, slowly, to hold Katherine’s hand. “I’m sorry you got lied to like that. Just to be clear, it absolutely wasn’t your fault.”

“No, no, I’m fine. Thanks, though. I appreciate you saying that.” Katherine tightened her grip on Lauren’s palm. “Besides, I saw what happened to you with the Chaos Insurgency. I think that was way worse.”

Lauren looked like she was trying to grasp at something she knew was there, but she just couldn’t get a grip on it. “It doesn’t matter. Even if that’s true, that doesn’t negate what you went through. And in all honesty, all I can remember is waking up in a truck surrounded by some guys in uniforms, trying to escape, and then there was this really bad pain in my back. After that, everything’s pretty much just a blur until I woke up in the Wanderer’s Library with you guys.”

Katherine thought for a moment. “Want me to tell you?”

Lauren flexed the fingers on her free hand a few times in concentration. “Yes, please. I think I can handle that easier than I can handle not knowing.”

“Okay. Sorry to tell you this, but when we found you, you were being mind-controlled.”

Lauren stopped in her tracks, slack-jawed. The two girls’ hands came apart. “Like Tartar.”

“Come again?”

“Don’t you remember? That AI that tried to destroy the world? It mind controlled me to try and kill you, but then I could see everything I was doing, and afterwards, I can still remember all of it.”

“Wow. Lauren, I-I’m sorry. I had no idea-”

“Don’t worry about it.” Lauren smiled at her friend. “You’re a really good fighter. If it weren’t for you, that genocidal phone would’ve won and we’d all be dead.”

“Thanks. Of course, now it seems we might all die sooner or later. I mean, we’ve got this fear monster to catch, not to mention whatever other SCPs show up, Octavio’s still out there, and now we’ve got to figure out what Khahrahk is, and how we can stop it from destroying the multiverse…”

“Easy, Kat. Remember, one crisis at a time. That’s how we’ll get through this. And we will get through this.”

Kat smiled. “You’re right. Y’know, you seem to be taking this pretty well for someone who just found out she was mind-controlled for the second time in a year.”

Lauren shrugged. “Honestly, I figure I have two options: a complete mental breakdown, or trying to take everything in one at a time in the hopes of staying sane.” She gave a forced smile.

Katherine noticed the inkling’s discomfort. “Maybe we should change the subject. Remember when we were looking for Sinning Jessie, and we talked about ex-partners?”

“Yeah. I mentioned I never had a boyfriend.”

Katherine leaned forward, with an impish grin. “I know, but are you sure you’ve never had a crush at least?”

“Nah, I’ve never really been interested in boys. Maybe a teacher or two, but that was just a naive schoolgirl thing. Obviously none of them reciprocated.” She blushed, laughing, “This one time, I gave my english teacher a poem-”

Lauren was interrupted by a scream of terror, just around the corner some 20 feet away. A dozen civilians ran past them, screaming about some horrible sludge monster. The girls exchanged glances. “I’ll tell you later. I think we just found our guy.”

“Got it.”

Marcus and Clef searched through a different part of town, no less well-decorated or densely populated with trick-or-treaters. Every house was covered in black and white streamers, with sculptures of ghosts, vampires, black cats and all manner of classic horrors. Out of all the decorations, none drew close to as much attention as Dr. Clef.

The scientist didn’t bother hiding his scowl at the fact that any civilians, let alone most of them, recognized him from the news broadcast. At least one small child in a cheap, homemade vampire costume had pointed at him and yelled, “Look, mommy! It’s drunk human guy!” His mother to quickly push him away while making sure to avoid Clef’s gaze.

Marcus smiled and waved goodbye to the younger child. “So, do you ever go out on Halloween?”

Clef almost smiled, though not quite, regarding Marcus as though he were an adorably naive grade-schooler. “Honestly, kid, I can’t really be bothered to remember what time of year I go on missions.”

“Oh, well, do you think you’ll remember this at least?”

Dr. Clef thought for a moment. “I dunno.”

Marcus sighed, “Such a way with words.”

While they were walking, a small drop of slime appeared on Clef’s head. “Oh, gross! What is-hey wait a minute.” He recognized the substance, whispering, “Quick, kid, act scared.”

Marcus immediately got the message, dropping to his knees and shaking in mock fear. A gigantic monster dropped down before them. It was a slug, about ten feet long, resembling a man wearing a cheap costume that wouldn’t have scared any but the most extreme molluscophobe.

Dr. Clef begged, “Please don’t hurt me! Take the kid!”

Marcus loudly muttered, “Can’t trick-or-treat. Slug will eat me.”

The slug made a casual, friendly laugh. “Hey, is that you, Clef? I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again! You can relax; it’s just me.”

Dr. Clef picked himself up off the ground in mock-relief. “Hey, kid, you can get up now. It’s just 2006.”

Marcus got to his feet, making sure not to do it too quickly. “Oh, thank goodness.”

“So, what’s up with this place? One minute I’m watching a movie, the next minute I’m in this place surrounded by weird squid-and-octo-people. I swear, this is the second-weirdest day of my life.”

Marcus silently decided not to ask about the weirdest day.

“Still, it’s been fun. These people have been a lot of fun to scare, plus I’ve got some great reactions. Guess it’s time to go back now, right?”

“That’s right, 2006. You’ve had your fun.”

“Alright then. By the way, who’s your friend?” The slug pointed one of its eye stalks at Marcus.

The boy cleared his throat. “Name’s Marcus. I’m part of a group in this dimension aiding some of the foundation’s scientists in recapturing SCPs that’ve escaped to this universe.”

“Sounds fun. Guess I may as well try out a new form.” The slug shrank, its shape changing until an inkling was standing in front of them, pale-skinned with deep black eyes, spiky red mohawk hair, and the number 2006 tattooed on his forehead. “How do I look?” He asked, looking at the two like a child showing his mother a drawing he was especially proud of.

“Wow. Dude, you look seriously creepy.” Marcus told him.

“Thanks! That’s exactly what I was going for. Lead the way, Clef.”

Clef nodded, and the three started heading back to the base. Marcus got his communicator out of his pocket to call the captain. “Good news, sir. We managed to get 2006 to come with us peacefully.”

“Excellent. I’ll be sure to let the others know.”

“Noted.” Satisfied, Marcus put his communicator away and continued walking.

Lauren and Katherine found themselves in an old, nearly ruined haunted house. It was a building that had been abandoned years ago, decorated into a recreational attraction by a group of local volunteers. Unnatural black sludge littered the interior, occasionally dripping onto the floor and making it sizzle and dissolve.

“Looks like 2006 managed to pick up some actual scares.”

“Got that right.” Katherine agreed, “This stuff kinda looks like that green goop from the Metro.” She was startled by her communicator beeping, and pulled it out of her pocket. “Yeah, Cap? What is it?”

“Good news. SCP-2006 has been retrieved and is coming back peacefully.”

Katherine went pale. Her palm shook. “Oh. Okay, we’ll be right there.” She turned off the device.

“What’s wrong?” Lauren asked.

“It’s the captain. He just told me another one of the groups already got 2006.”

Lauren backed away a few feet. She gazed down at the black sludge, oozing and pulsating and dissolving the floor. “Then what’s in here?”

Chapter Text

He didn’t understand. He was in his cell. Contained. He hated it. He hated them.

The ones who’d contained him. Imprisoned him. He didn’t know who they were.

They didn’t know who he was. What he was. How much he despised them.

All he knew was hunger. They wouldn’t let him sate himself. He needed food.

He wanted to hunt. Hear screams. Feel flesh. Taste flesh. He wanted release.

And suddenly, he had it.

The cell disappeared. Less dark. Open. Nighttime. He could see people.

They were wandering around. Oblivious. He was hidden. A dark alley.

He was hungry. Now there were people. There was food. He was happy.

Soon his hunger would disappear. He would be sated. He heard a voice. A mother. Calling her children. “Robert! Lawrence! Over here!” He paused.

Something about those names. He recognized them. No matter.

The past didn’t matter. There were children. Finally, he could begin his feast.

Lauren had started to sweat, for reasons entirely unrelated to any sort of temperature. “I mean, if 2006 has already been recontained, then where’s all this sludge coming from?”

“Maybe it’s part of the attraction. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with any anomaly.” Katherine tried to keep them both from panicking, difficult though it was.

“Oh, yeah. That must be it. I always see haunted houses on a neighborhood volunteer budget with sludge monsters convincing enough to send a dozen grown adults running and screaming in fear!” A particularly large glob of black slime fell between them. A small piece of the floor sizzled, leaving behind a circular hole. “Still don’t think it’s an anomaly?” Lauren asked, bitterly and sarcastically.

“Okay, well, maybe just the two of us can take it. I’ll call Dr. Gears.” Katherine grabbed her communicator, punching in Gears’s code he’d obtained the previous day.

It was only a few seconds before he answered. “Hello? We’re heading to the base right now because of SCP-2006 being successfully recontained.”

“Yeah, about that. Do you know of an SCP that leaves black sludge everywhere?”

Gears paused. “Is the sludge corrosive in nature?”

Kat looked down at the hole in the floor, with one last puff of smoke. “Extremely.”

“Run.”

“What was that?”

“Find the quickest way back to the base, and get back immediately. That’s SCP-106, a highly dangerous humanoid entity. Do not engage it. I repeat, don’t engage SCP-106, under any circumstance.”

“Okay, got it.” Katherine pocketed the communicator. “It’s called 106, and Gears said to just run back to base. I guess this thing must be one of the really dangerous ones.”

“I knew it. If it’s not one thing trying to kill us, it’s another.” The two ran towards the door, only for a puddle of black slime to appear in their way.

A monstrous humanoid emerged from the puddle like an eldritch monster out of the void of space and time. Its mouth was stretched open into a horribly wide, sadistic grin. Pitch-black sludge comprised its entire emaciated, 6-foot form. It opened its mouth, emitting a horrible, deep, rasping noise that might’ve been some perversion of laughter. It sounded almost as if multiple voices were manifesting simultaneously from a single body.

“Okay, I’m guessing that’s SCP-106.” Lauren had started shaking.

“No, it’s my uncle Larry. Run!” Katherine screamed, pulling her slightly older companion by the arm. The teenagers sprinted through the haunted house, ignoring the plastic skeletons and felt spiderwebs and other cheap horrors that could never hold a candle to the visceral monster pursuing them.

Lauren glanced back at the humanoid monster, still approaching them. Its gait was methodically, tauntingly slow. “Here goes nothing.” She muttered, pulling out her splattershot. She pulled the trigger a dozen times, leaving a small hole in its chest.

The m onstrous old man showed no signs of pain, and the damage repaired itself after a second. “Gears was right. Fighting’s not an option; we have to leave now.” Katherine observed.

“Ya think?”

“Wait, I think I see the exit. C’mon!” the two left through the back door, not bothering to look behind them as SCP-106 emerged through the wall, burning a large hole in the building.

Lauren pulled out her own communicator as they continued to sprint down the street. “Gears, we’re being pursued! Any advice?”

“Whatever you do, don’t let it catch you.”

“Oh thanks, you’re as helpful as always! What do we do if it catches us?!”

There was a brief pause, followed by a single word. “Pray.”

“Okay, new plan. Let’s not find out what happens if it catches up.” Lauren turned off her communicator.

“Agreed. I’ll call Dr. King and ask him if it’s got any weaknesses.”

“Good call. Put it on 3-way.”

Kat nodded, pulling out her communicator. She punched in Lauren and King’s codes as her companion whipped out her own device, allowing the three to communicate all at once. “Doctor, we’re being chased by SCP-106! Please tell me it’s got at least one weakness!”

Dr. King paused. “106? You mean the old man?”

“Tall, pitch-black, made of sludge that corrodes everything it touches?” Lauren clarified.

“Yeah, that’s him alright. He can only be subdued if you subject him to intense bright light.”

“Got it. I think I know just the place.” Lauren put her communicator away. “Kat, we’re going to the bar!”

“You’re sixteen!”

“We’re not buying. I’ve got a plan to stop that thing. Is it still chasing us?”

Katherine looked behind them. She watched as SCP-106 casually walked through a car, reducing it to scrap metal. “Yeah, it’s still chasing us. What’s our ETA for the bar?”

“Should only be a few miles.”

“And you know this how?”

Lauren whipped out her phone. “GPS. what’d you think?”

“Nevermind that.”

Lauren would’ve laughed if she weren’t so terrified. The two ran across the streets of the city, occasionally looking back to see 106 gradually closing the gap between them. After some 15 minutes, the exhausted teens found the sign for the bar.

“Look.” Katherine tapped Lauren’s shoulder, prompting her to turn around. SCP-106 was no longer visible.

“Where’d it go?” Lauren asked, frantically looking around. Her neck felt sore from how hard she was swiveling it.

“How should I know?!” Katherine felt the ground dissolve beneath her. She and Lauren were barely able to jump backwards in time before it completely gave way. SCP-106 slowly rose from the ground, letting out its hellish laugh. It slammed its palms to the ground, turning the pavement to sludge while it continued to rise. “Nevermind. Found him.”

“Yay us.” Lauren deadpanned. The two ran into the bar, where dozens of patrons sat around drinking. There were some halloween decorations around, albeit with significantly more gore than most of the city’s decor. Most of the customers didn’t seem to notice the two scared underage girls entering the establishment.

The bartender leaned over, adjusting his glasses. “Hey, you kids don’t belong here. Get out now, please. Come back when you’re 21.”

“Please, sir, you don’t understand.” Katherine argued, leaning against the counter. She hyperventilated between every syllable, “We...we have...have to...” Kat paused for a moment. She felt as though she was about to pass out from exhaustion. “Wait, what are we doing here?”

Lauren stepped up to the counter, loudly panting as she told the bartender, “Monster. Weak to light. Evacuate bar. Alcohol and fire. Please.”

The bartender laughed. “You want me to send everyone outside so a couple of kids can set my workplace on fire to stop some monster?”

Lauren nodded.

“Sorry. Not happening.”

Lauren started panicking. “Please, sir! It’s the only way.”

The door to the bar turned black, rotting away, as SCP-106 entered the bar. The patrons took notice and screamed, running out of the back door into the streets. Katherine turned back to the bartender, exhaustion giving way back to adrenaline. “Now do you believe us?”

He nodded before leaving with everyone else.

Katherine turned to Lauren. “Let me guess. We’re going to set this place on fire so the light will paralyze 106. Right?”

Lauren nodded. “Yeah, that’s the plan. All we need is a match.” She looked around. “There!” They both ran toward a table where someone had left a matchbox.

A pool of viscous black liquid appeared on the tabletop. SCP-106 emerged from the void, reducing the table to splinters. The matchbox dissolved into oblivion.

Lauren’s eyes dilated in horror. “It can think. It knew what we were trying. It’s been toying with us the whole time.”

Katherine covered her mouth, feeling as though she might vomit. “We’re just its playthings.”

SCP-106 slowly approached the teenagers, with a wide grin splitting its viscous head in half. A facsimile of a laugh, as cold and jagged as a row of icicles, filled the bar.

Katherine whimpered in absolute terror, “Now what?”

Lauren weighed the options. She clenched her fists. “Now, we die fighting.”

Chapter Text

Dr. Gears and Dr. Bright had been walking back to the base when one of the inklings had called, saying she was being pursued by SCP-106. Gears knew full well what it did to its victims, and he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy.

When SCP-106 caught someone it deemed a prey item, usually anywhere between ten and twenty-four years old, it imprisoned them in a pocket dimension where it was all but God. It had complete control over matter, space, and time, and used that power to inflict unimaginable psychological and physical torture on its victims before expelling them to devour later.

A few weeks after 106 had been initially contained, it had managed to breach its containment, and drawn an agent into its pocket dimension before being recontained. When he was released, the agent survived for a full hour as a cracked, misshapen, eyeless husk. If his mouth hadn’t been twisted into something barely recognizable, he surely would’ve been screaming until he finally passed on.

“What do you think happened to them?”

Bright thought for a brief moment. “You mean the kids getting chased by the old man?”

Gears nodded. “Yes. do you think they’ve managed to evade it?”

“Charlie, you of all people should know you can’t just evade 106, and you can’t fight it either. Unless they can outsmart that thing, they’re as good as dead. I don’t like it, but it’s true.”

“Regrettably, you’re right. Once we’ve returned to the base, the ten of us can go out and search for them. Right now, however, we can only hope they manage to find some way to survive.”

While they were talking, they heard a loud, demonic screech, heralding a monstrous humanoid jumping down, from what they could only assume was the roof of a building. Its entire body was gray and brown in coloration. Its oversized head was perfectly round, inexplicably balanced upon a 2-foot twig of a neck. Its hands and feet terminated in three razor-sharp claws each.

“SCP-001.” Gears verbally identified the first SCP he’d ever caught, back when the Foundation was in its infancy. 001 circled the two scientists, ostensibly sizing them up. Without warning, it lunged at Dr. Bright, who managed to roll to the side just as its claw cut up the sleeve of his shirt.

Dr. Bright screamed in pain. He examined the scratch, and decided that despite the sting, it wasn’t any more immediately dangerous than SCP-001 itself.

Dr. Gears jumped backwards to avoid the monster altogether. He pulled out his Foundation-issue blaster and fired it at the creature whose documentation had been a prototype of the modern Foundation’s classification system and terminology. It stumbled, rubbing the massive, spherical eye suspended within its skull.

Dr. Bright, ignoring the searing pain in his arm, threw a flying kick into the prototype’s side, causing the beast to fall and roll onto its back. It managed to get up immediately, only for the two scientists to start aiming their blasters at it.

SCP-001 barely dodged the blasts in time to retreat. It jumped onto the side of a nearby building, using it as a springboard to turn around and jump at the two. Gears and Bright both managed to duck down to the ground a second before 001 could strike, causing it to pass right over them, skidding to a stop when it landed on the ground.

Before Dr. Gears could get up, SCP-001 had him by the throat, and was trying to smash his head into the pavement. Despite the scientist’s attempts at resisting its push, SCP-001 was inhumanly strong.

Before it could split his skull across the road, the prototype lurched backwards, freeing Gears from its grasp. Dr. Bright was on its back, trying to strangle it. “Now, Gears! Shoot it!”

Gears pulled out his blaster and fired a dozen times, into the monster’s milky-blue eyeball. It stumbled backwards, throwing Bright off of itself.

Dr. Bright took advantage of his enemy’s vulnerability by turning on his flashlight. The prototype was instantly paralyzed by the flashlight, providing Gears an opening. “Jack! Throw me your weapon! I have a stratagem which I believe may allow us to reestablish containment of SCP-001!”

While keeping the flashlight trained on the SCP, Bright tossed his blaster over to Gears. Holding each weapon in one hand, Gears aimed them both at 001’s eye. He fired them simultaneously a dozen times, leaving the beast unconscious.

“Not half bad. Now how do we get it to the base?” Bright looked to Gears for an answer.

“We carry it.”

“What? You can’t be serious. Then again, you never joke.”

Gears put one of 001’s arms around his neck. “Take the other side. We’ll each carry half the weight.”

Sighing, Bright reluctantly put the other arm around his own neck. Being careful of its claws, the two men stood upright, supporting the unconscious monster between them. “Right. So we get this guy back into containment, and then we see if we can get 106.”

“Correct.” Gears confirmed. The two started carrying the surprisingly lightweight monster back to base.

Dr. Bright muttered under his breath, “This is going to be the second longest Halloween night of my life.”

Hunger. He hungered. Not anymore. He was happy. So happy.

He could sate his hunger. New creatures. Unfamiliar. Looked human.

Not human. Different taste. Good taste. Very good. Delicious.

Screams. Wonderful screams. Fear. Terror. He smiled. Two of them. Female.

Running. Chase. The hunt. The thrill. He loved it. Tried to fight.

Couldn’t beat him. No damage. Running. Fun. It was fun. Streets. Nighttime. Ran inside.

He waited. Let them hope. Take it away. He knew their plan. Burn him. Fire.

He went inside. Screaming. Running. Panic. Perfection. They ran. His prey.

Matchbox. Burning. He destroyed it. The matchbox. No way to burn. No more hope.

They didn’t run. They fought. Tried to throw things. No effect. Shooting. Nothing.

He regenerated all damage. Nothing could kill him.

The old man grinned.

Chapter Text

It was hopeless. SCP-106 was invincible; any damage they did was instantly regenerated. The acidic substance that comprised its entire body prevented Lauren and Katherine from actually hitting it for fear of losing their skin. They settled for throwing things and shooting at it, fully aware that they were only delaying the inevitable.

Eventually, Lauren took notice of a fire crackling in the back of the building. “Kat, I just got a really stupid idea! Go to the fire, now! I’ll hold him off!”

“Wha-? Oh, what the hell at this point?” Katherine overcame her brief hesitation to run for the fireplace. There, she found a poker that had been abandoned in the chaos. “Insert pithy quip here!” She pulled it out of the fire, and tried to throw it at SCP-106.

The hot poker impaled SCP-106 through the stomach, eliciting a horrific, raspy sound that resembled laughter. Lauren stepped backwards, as the poker fell out. It clattered to the floor, with one end smoldering and melting. SCP-106 regenerated. “No…”

“Okay, now it’s my turn to do something desperate and stupid!” Katherine swiped one of her dualies into the fire, setting it ablaze. Screaming at the burning, searing pain in her hand, Katherine tossed the dualie into the shelf filled with alcoholic drinks. “Lauren, run!”

The teenagers sprinted outside and onto the sidewalk. The fire on the dualie reacted with the hydrocarbons in the alcohol, causing a deafening explosion of red and orange flame, as though the bar had been engulfed by the sun itself. Lauren jumped on top of Katherine, shielding her from the flames and the glass shards sent flying by the explosion.

SCP-106 emitted a horrific screech, multilayered as though two or three entities were screaming at once. It writhed in pain from the light of the fire, too weak to teleport away.

While SCP-106 was incapacitated, a small part of the fire split off from the rest, burning a single word into the floor directly behind the empty doorway.

 Lauren looked up at the fire. Her pupils dilated at the carving. “ Oh no. ‘Burn’. Another one?!”

The flame shifted and warped. Lauren and Katherine backed away, further into the street. The bar collapsed into flames, with the echoes of snapping wood and crackling flames as the fire solidified itself into a 25-foot tall humanoid. “Finally. Fuel. Yes.” The humanoid’s voice was loud, deep, and booming, forcing the cephalings to cover their ears. Their skin rapidly dried from their proximity to the living flames.

Kat pulled out her communicator to set up a 3-way call between herself, Dr. King, and Marina. “Hey, Kat! Headed back to base?” Marina asked obliviously, “Isn’t it great we already got 2006?”

She was interrupted by Dr. King, “Have you managed to subdue SCP-106?”

“Wait? 106?”

“It’s a corrosive, highly dangerous humanoid. It was pursuing your friends the last time they called me.”

“What?!” She yelled, frightened, “Are you two okay?”

“Yeah, um, there’s good news and bad news.” Katherine and Lauren were running away from the flaming giant, though it didn’t seem interested in pursuing them. “We managed to take out 106, but now there’s this crazy giant made of fire!”

“What? Oh, right. I believe that may be SCP-457, the burning man. Whatever you do, don’t let him near anything he could use as fuel.”

Katherine looked behind herself, craning her neck at the towering, glowing figure. “Yeah, that’s going to be tough.”

“Right. I’ll call Gears and Clef.”

“Good.” Marina responded, “I’ll call Callie. Hopefully, the dozen of us all together might be able to figure out a way to stop that thing.”

“Let’s hope so.” Kat took another glance back, where SCP-457 had already set a few apartment buildings ablaze.

“So, Clef, I have a question.” Marcus had been walking with the Foundation scientist and SCP-2006, still in its inkling form, back to the base for about 20 minutes when he’d thought of something.

Dr. Clef shrugged. “Shoot.”

“How does 2006 know your name? Do all SCPs know your name?”

Clef chuckled, “Well, he managed to overhear another agent calling my name, and the higher ups decided he wasn’t dangerous enough to do anything about it.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” SCP-2006 confirmed giddily, “I love living with the Foundation! They’ve got all the best horror movies, so I can really hone my scares.”

They all heard Clef’s communicator start to beep, until he turned it on. “Hey, what is it?” seriously? 457? Where are they? Of course they are, where else? Alright, we’ll be right there.” He put away the communicator. “Kid, get 2006 back to base. I’m headed off to the bar.”

Marcus glared at Clef indignantly. “Seriously, dude?”

“No, kid! There’s a fire SCP there!”

“Oh! Okay, I’ll be right back.” Marcus ran off with SCP-2006, while Clef sprinted towards the bar.

Dr. Gears and Dr. Bright were carrying 001 back to the base when Gears’ communicator started going off. “Seriously? Great timing.” Bright snarked.

“Keep holding the SCP still.” Gears pulled out his communicator.

“Keep it still? You don’t have to tell me twice.” Bright heard Gears talking on the communicator.

“Yes? Hello, Everett. Is there a problem with SCP-106? I see. That is most unfortunate. Unfortunately, Jack and I just incapacitated SCP-001, the one I dubbed the prototype. I’m afraid it’s taking both of us to transport it back to base. Right, we’ll hurry. As soon as SCP-001 is returned, we’ll hurry straight to the bar.” He hung up, taking back his side of the creature. “We have to hurry. We’re needed to deal with 457.”

“Oh great, the fire man. Just what we need right now. C’mon, let’s move.” The two kept moving, faster than before.

Callie couldn’t help but smile in spite of everything. “Hey, Marie, which of the pairs do you think got 2006?”

“Who knows? I’m sure we can ask when we get back.”

“Yeah. Let's just hope we can handle the next SCP so eas-” While Callie was talking, her communicator started beeping. “Hold up.” She answered the call, “Yeah?”

“Callie, it’s Marina. I just got a call from Katherine. She and Lauren are being attacked by a giant SCP made of fire.”

Callie came to an abrupt halt. “What? Fire?” “Yes, that’s what I just said. They’re calling for all hands on deck.”

“Got it. Where are they?”

“They’re at the bar. And no, not for drinking.”

“I…what- oh, alright. We’ll be right there.” Callie turned off the device. “Marie, there’s some sort of fire giant near the bar. Everyone’s going.”

Her cousin groaned, “Seriously? First a shapeshifting fear monster, now a fire giant? Alright, let’s head out.”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t wanna get left out, would we?” Callie smirked as the two changed course for the bar.

SCP-457 walked away from the bar, leaving a swathe of flames wherever it went, occasionally shooting blasts of fire out of its body. Several dozen buildings had already been burned by the time Marina, Pearl, Callie, Marie, Dr. King, and Dr. Clef rendezvoused with Katherine and Lauren. Katherine waved her arms, calling out, “Yes! You guys actually came!”

“Of course we did. The kid’s still gotta take 2006 back to containment, but he shouldn’t be long.” Clef explained.

Marie looked around. “Wait, where are the other scientists?”

Dr. King answered, “Kondraki’s bringing an evil mask called SCP-035 back to the base. We saw it on a lawn, so I sent him to get it back to containment along with 2006. When I called Gears, he told me he and Bright were transporting SCP-001 back to containment.”

“That’s odd.” Marie pointed out, “4 SCPs all in one night?”

“Try 5. That guy burned up SCP-106 before it could dissolve us with acid.” Lauren corrected.

Dr. Clef shook his head. “Fire doesn’t kill SCP-106. We’ve only ever been able to incapacitate it, and even then, only for so long.”

“Oh great. You mean we’ve still got to deal with the old man?” Lauren complained.

“What old man? And what were you two doing at a bar, anyway?” Pearl snapped.

“Not what you’re thinking, that’s for sure! SCP-106 is a creepy old dude made of some sort of acid slime. It’s weak to light.” Katherine refuted.

“That’s true.” Dr. King confirmed. “Let me guess: you were hoping to cause a fire to react with the alcohol, and create a big enough glow to completely incapacitate SCP-106, weren’t you?”

“Exactly. The living fire was kind of an unexpected monkey wrench, though.” Lauren stated, looking over at the destruction.

“Fair enough, but why would you set an entire bar on fire? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?!” Marina sounded uncharacteristically angry.

Kat looked down at the street. Lauren sidestepped in front of her. “Hey, it’s not like that. We told them to evacuate the civilians, and we figured if 106 was weak to light, a big enough fire might destroy it.”

“A decent strategy, but it’s not that simple.” Dr. King told her, “SCP-106 is completely indestructible, or at least based on everything we know about it. Even if you somehow managed to get him to near-death, which, good luck to you there, he’ll just teleport out and regenerate. No doubt he’s already somewhere else in the city.”

“Great. Now we’ve got two monsters to worry about!” Katherine screamed, kicking the ground in frustration. “And Marina’s mad at us!”

“Hey, Katie, it’s okay.” Marina gently squeezed her shoulder. “I’m not mad at you. I was just worried about your safety. And right now, we need to ensure the safety of the entire city.”

“She’s right. SCP-457 is our top priority right now, though. We’ll deal with 106 afterwards. In the meantime, we’ll just have to hope that nobody touches it.” Clef reminded them.

The burning man continued to wander, setting everything in its path ablaze.

Marcus and SCP-2006 had just entered the New Squidbeak Splatoon’s base when they were joined by dr. Kondraki, running in with a folded blanket. “Dude, what are you doing?”

The only answer Marcus got was a rushed, “Can’ttalkverydangerousgottacontainnowbye!” Kondraki activated the portal device and ran through it.

“That was weird. Do you think he had something dangerous in there?” SCP-2006 asked.

“Clearly. I guess they’re not all as friendly as you.”

“Got that right. I just want to scare people. Scaring and being scared is fun. Hurting people and getting hurt isn’t fun.”

“You’re not half bad. Maybe we could see each other again sometime.”

SCP-2006 shook his head. “Nah, probably not.”

“Right. Too bad. I’ll remember you.”

“Thanks. I’ll remember you too. By the way, was I scary?”

Marcus smiled. “You were horrifying.”

“Thank you.” SCP-2006 grinned.

Drs. Gears and Bright entered the base, carrying an unconscious humanoid monster between them. “Woah! What is that thing?” Marcus yelled in shock.

“This is SCP-001, the Prototype. We encountered it on our way back, and incapacitated it. We plan to put it back in containment before aiding with the recovery of SCP-457.”

“Wait. Clef mentioned the number 457 when he was talking on the communicator, before he sent me here with 2006. That must be where he went.”

“Got that right, kid. Once we get 001 and 2006 back into containment, we’ll go after 457.”

Marcus lowered his forehead into his hands. “So many numbers… But in that case, I’ll come too. Kondraki just left through the portal with another SCP. didn’t see which one, though.”

“It would seem a disturbing amount of SCP items have escaped into this dimension tonight.”

“Thanks for the revelation, Gears.” Marcus snarked.

The creature Gears and Bright had been carrying began to stir. At first, its muscles were twitching and its eyelids were shifting. After a moment, it was screeching, and effortlessly tossed the two scientists away.

Dr. Kondraki walked back through the portal, just as Dr. Gears and Dr. Bright fell to the ground nearby. “Oh hell, not another one.”

“I’ve got an idea.” Marcus turned to 2006. “Listen bud, I know you don’t like hurting others, but this guy does. You don’t have to kill him or anything; just knock him out so these guys can get him someplace where he can’t kill us. Okay?”

SCP-2006 hesitantly nodded. “Okay.” He ran at SCP-001, shapeshifting while running, until he’d turned into an exact replica of the Prototype. The two SCP-001s collided into a mass of claws and teeth.

“Great strategy. Now how can we tell which is which?” Kondraki asked.

Marcus realized his point. “Oh, crud, you’re right! 2006, turn into something else!”

One of the monsters swiped its opponent across the chest with its claws. He transformed into an upright six-foot tall gorilla wearing a diving helmet. “Fear me, monster, for I am the mighty Ro-Man!”

“That’s 2006’s favorite form.” Dr. Kondraki remarked.

Marcus facepalmed. “Of course it is.”

SCP-2006 didn’t notice their remarks. He punched 001 in its oversized eyeball, knocking the creature to the ground. The rest of the group started shooting their blasters at 001, allowing 2006 to grab it and throw it into the portal.

Kondraki closed the gateway between Inkopolis and the Foundation. “They shouldn’t have any problem getting it back into containment now.”

Marcus approached 2006. “Woah...that was terrifying. And kind of awesome.”

“Thanks. Just imagine how the other guy feels.”

Craig approached them at that moment. “Tell me something. Now that this SCP has proven himself to be a valuable ally, will you allow him to fight alongside you?”

The three scientists thought about the question. Marcus didn’t hesitate. “Of course! With a shapeshifter on our side, there’ll be no way we can lose! Besides, he’s harmless.”

“He’s right.” 2006 transformed back into his inkling form from earlier. “I only scare people, without hurting them.” He turned to the foundation personnel. “Plus, once we’re finished dealing with this 457 guy, I’ll go back into containment. You guys treat me well, and I think I should keep honing my scaring skills before going out into the world for good.”

Gears nodded. “An adequate point, SCP-2006. Given previous interactions, I believe you can be trusted in this instance.”

Bright sighed, “Not to mention we’ll need all the help we can get against 457.”

“Well then, what’re we waiting for?” Marcus gestured to the exit. “Let’s move, team!” The five-man group exited the base, Marcus and SCP-2006 through the main entrance and Gears, Bright, and Kondraki through the auxiliary entrance.

“So, Clef, now might be a bad time, but I’ve got something I’ve been meaning to ask you for the past month.” Katherine blurted out.

“Fine.” Dr. Clef rolled his eyes. “What is it?”

Katherine narrowed her upward-gazing eyes. “Why did that lizard monster stop when you looked at it?”

Clef shrugged. “I’m not sure. Sometimes, anomalous entities get ‘cancelled out’ I guess by my presence, and other times I have no effect. No clue why, and I honestly don’t care.”

Kat sighed, “Thanks. That really clears it all up. Now where are the others already?”

No sooner had she asked that then Marcus appeared, along with Drs. Gears, Bright, and Kondraki, as well as another inkling they didn’t recognize. “Kid, I thought I told you to bring 2006 back into containment.” Clef was practically growling in his anger, “What is he doing here?”

“Sorry, but the guys decided it’d be best if I helped out. Plus, it looks to me like you guys could use the extra help.” SCP-2006 pointed out the massive flaming beast, which had already set a good-sized portion of downtown Inkopolis ablaze.

“Maybe. Any bright ideas on how to stop that thing?”

“I believe this city is near an ocean. If we can-”

“No good.” Marie interrupted Dr. Gears, “Our species is made of ink, which means we dissolve in water. It’s way too risky.”

Dr. Bright’s eyes widened. “Then why would you build a city on the coast?!”

“Wait a minute.” Marina ignored Dr. Bright’s question. She smiled, as though she’d just had some sort of epiphany. “Firefighters use a specialized variant of ink to put out fires, but the regular type of ink also has a cooling effect. Maybe if we shoot the SCP with enough ink, we could take it out.”

“Nice plan, but where could we possibly get enough ink to put out something that big?” Marcus asked, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but it’s a little big to go down from just a few weapons.”

“What if we used the special weapons?” Lauren piped up, “If all 7, or I guess 8 of us use the tenta-missiles at the same time, we might be able to turn down his flames.”

“8?” Pearl scoffed, “In case you didn’t notice, there’s thirteen of us.” She pointed over to the humans.

“Hold up. How do we know us humans can handle your weaponry?” Dr. King asked.

“We don’t.” Marcus admitted, “But it could be worth a shot. Now the only problem is getting enough tenta-missiles to actually pull this off.”

“The base!” Marie yelled, “We’ve got plenty of weapons there, including specials. If there’s anywhere we could get enough tenta-missiles, then it’s there.”

“What, you mean we have to go back to where we just left?” Dr. Bright complained. He was interrupted by the sound of a helicopter’s rotors chopping the air far above him. It was flying erratically as though piloted by a rookie. A rope ladder descended near the agents and scientists, writhing and undulating like a serpent.

“Hey. Hold up, that’s our helicopter.” Marina realized, “But then who’s-”

“Hey! You kids gonna come up, or would you rather stay down there with the arsonist?”

“Captain?” Marcus asked no one in particular.

“Sounds like it. Come on!” Callie grabbed onto the rope ladder.

The group gradually made their way up the rope ladder, partially weighing it down while it swayed and undulated. The interior was barely spacious enough for the lot of them to squeeze inside. Marie squinted at the old man who was already inside. “Gramps? If you’re back here, then who’s flying the chopper?”

“Right up here, agent 2.” The group turned to the source of the somewhat high-pitched voice. A small humanoid horseshoe crab was piloting the helicopter, directly towards SCP-457.

“Sheldon? You’re here?”

“Of course I am. When captain Cuttlefish approached me for help in getting some weapons to you, well, how could I refuse?”

“Wait, weapons? Does that mean-” Dr. Clef looked over at the back of the helicopter, where several weapons were stashed.

“We’ve got 8 tenta-missiles and 5 stingrays.” The elderly captain had a spark in his eyes. “With any luck, they should be enough to vanquish that beast.”

“Thanks, sir.” Marcus acknowledged.

“Well I figured if all of you were going at once, you could probably use some reinforcements.” The old soldier admitted.

“In any case, we are truly grateful. I suggest the cephalopods-and, in this case, SCP-2006-utilize their weapons, while us humans use the other available ink-based weapons.” Dr. Gears recommended.

“A splendid strategy, human! Also, just in case these weapons aren’t enough to stop that beast, I’ve made an enhancement to this vehicle.” Sheldon pressed a large red button in front of himself. The helicopter’s seats folded into the walls, while the middle of the helicopter’s floor descended, carried by unfolding metal rods to leave a long, rectangular hole in the middle of the floor.

The top and sides of the piece stuck in the air unfolded, revealing a massive cannon directly below the chopper. “Behold! Quite possibly my magnum opus. I’ve actually been working on it ever since I heard about the incident with commander Tartar a couple months ago. Of course, adjusting the thickness of the bottom of the helicopter in order to accommodate the amount of space required was the biggest challenge, but the pulley system-”

“Sheldon! Time and place, dude.” Marcus stopped Sheldon from going on another weapon-based tangent.

“Right, right. Sorry, agent 4. Now then, I’ll control the ink cannon from up here, while you guys use those special weapons. I’ve modded them so they should have infinite use.”

“Good. this strategy may yet prove sound.” Gears stated approvingly, while grabbing one of the stingrays. The others followed suit. The Foundation scientists grabbed the stingrays, while the agents and SCP-2006 took the tenta-missiles.

“Okay, how do we use these in here?” Dr. Clef asked.

“You won’t. I’ll drop you off at a roof so you can get a proper aim.” Sheldon looked over to the side, ahead of where SCP-457 was walking. “Huh. Do you guys want the bad news, or the terrible news?”

“Surprise us.” Kondraki droned.

“Okay. The bad news is that the burning man is walking right towards a gas station. The terrible news is that there’s a gas truck there right now.”

“What?!” Marie nearly fell out of the helicopter in her horror. “If he gets there, he could reduce the surrounding district to a crater!”

“It’s not just that.” Dr. King added, “If SCP-457 uses that gas station for fuel, it could easily double in size. It’s already bigger than I’ve ever seen it; I’m not sure if everything we’ve got right now could stop it if it got that big!”

Marcus narrowed his eyes to glare at the kaiju. “In that case, it’s now or never. If we don’t take out SCP-457 immediately, we’re all getting burned.”

“Okay, we’re almost at the drop zone!” Sheldon called from the cockpit, “Everyone get ready to jump out the floor!”

Within the next minute, the squadron was dropped off at a nearby roof that hadn't been wreathed in flames. "Now, does everyone remember our stratagem?" Gears called to the others.

“Of course we do. It’s only been a few seconds!” Clef snapped.

“Right, of course. I was merely making sure-”

“We don’t have time for this!” Marie ordered, “Everyone, fire up your specials now!”

The air was filled with the deafening blasts of 160 tenta-missiles, as well as the shrill whistling of five stingray beams, all directly striking the burning man. SCP-457 stopped in its tracks and began struggling and roaring in pain. The sound of crackling flames filled the entire city block. A massive beam of blue ink shot out from the helicopter’s cannon, striking SCP-457 in the back of its head, far above the rest of the group. SCP-457 began to speak. “No. Must have fuel. Fuel to burn.”

After a few minutes, the artificially enhanced special weapons were showing no signs of slowing down, while the burning man had been reduced to the size of an ordinary human. Katherine turned on her communicator. “Sheldon, you can take us down now! And then we’ll take that flaming monster down!”

“Right away, agent 8.” Sheldon lowered the rope ladder from the helicopter.

Katherine glared at the rope ladder, as though it had personally offended her. “Oh great, this again.”

As soon as the group ascended back into the helicopter, Marcus gestured at the cockpit. “Alright Sheldon, you put out those fires so the SCP can’t get any more fuel. We’ll take care of the burning man himself.”

“Affirmative, but how do you plan to do that?”

“At his size? Please, there’s only one of him and thirteen of us.” Clef answered.

“Perhaps, but I trust you know numbers aren’t everything in battle.” Craig pointed out.

“Wow, gramps. Thanks for the confidence booster.” Marie deadpanned.

Six inklings, two octolings, and five humans jumped out of the helicopter from ten feet in the air, landing on the hard concrete below with sharp pains in their legs. SCP-457 performed a facsimile of a vocalization, with a voice that sounded like a raging wildfire. “No. Must burn. Fuel.”

Marcus, Lauren, Katherine, Marie, Callie, SCP-2006, Marina, and Pearl all started firing their weapons. Marina and Callie had eschewed their typical weapons in favor of longer-range and faster-shooting N-zaps, whereas SCP-2006 had grabbed a standard splattershot. By the time their weapons had run out of ammo, SCP-457 was only a few inches tall.

“SCP-2006, how’d you like to do the honors?” Dr. King offered 2006 a glass with a strange-looking top. “This container is hermetically sealed, so SCP-457 will be reduced to his smallest possible size by the lack of oxygen.”

“It would be my honor.” SCP-2006 walked over to SCP-457, and imprisoned the tiny burning man inside the container. The living flame was instantly reduced to nothing more than a flicker. “Good news, everyone.” SCP-2006 held up the jar. “The threat’s been neutralized.”

“Good work, team. How’d you guys like to join up with the New Squidbeak Splatoon officially? You’ve proven more than useful.” Marie offered.

“No, I think we’re only going to stay for as long as it takes to stop these SCPs from transferring into this dimension.” Dr. King answered.

SCP-2006 added, “Yeah, and plus, I’ve gotta get back to containment.”

“Ah well. Fair enough.” The group started on their way back to the base.

“Sheldon, do you have a visual on the old man yet?” Callie asked over her communicator.

“Nope. nothing. Oh, wait, I think I see-no, false alarm, it’s just a guy in a really dark coat.” Callie leaned back as Sheldon yelled, “Hey buddy! get inside, will ya?! Don’t you know the city’s on lockdown?!”

Callie groaned, “It’s been hours! Where is that thing? Every minute that monster remains free, we risk another innocent civilian being killed. Except if what Gears told me is true, those are just the lucky ones. Either way, I need you to find it immediately.”

Sheldon sighed. “Sorry, agent 1, but I’m just a weapons designer with bad eyesight in a helicopter a hundred feet in the air looking for a pitch-black humanoid in the middle of the night. I’m doing the best I can.”

“Alright, keep the chopper’s lights on and keep searching.”

“Will do.” Sheldon hung up.

Callie transferred her call over to Craig. “Gramps, how’s the lockdown going?”

“It’s going about as well as we could hope. Dr. Gears and I have been setting up respawn generators all over the city, and making sure everyone stays inside. Of course, we don’t have nearly enough respawn generators to cover the entire city, and there’s no way we can patrol the whole area.”

“Okay, well, hopefully the civilians will trust us enough not to go outside while this guy’s still out there. Just keep going, and if you see 106, teleport here immediately and call Gears so we can all go and try to capture 106. Don’t even think about engaging it on your own.”

“Very little risk of that, kiddo.”

“Thanks, gramps.” Callie hung up the communicator and stood up. “Alright, someone please tell me there’s some good news.”

“There’s some good news.” Dr. Kondraki interjected.

Callie’s face lit up. “Really? What is it?”

“I don’t know. You just told me, ‘tell me there’s some good news’. Besides, I’m sure something good is happening right now somewhere in the multiverse, or even just this world.”

Lauren offhandedly tossed her hero shot to conk Dr. Kondraki on the head. “Dude, try to take this seriously! Kat and I fought that thing ourselves, and we barely made it out alive!”

“She’s right. If that monster is still out there, we have to contain it as soon as we can.” Katherine added.

“Ow!”

“Everyone, come inside, now!” Dr. King shouted from inside the shack.

Everyone from outside the shack rushed inside, hurriedly sitting around the table. With Craig and Gears out in the city, there were 11 of them at the moment, though Dr. King also had his communicator on the table with Dr. Gears. “What is it, Everett?” Bright asked.

“I just got a call from a civilian who said they looked out their window and saw a tall creature shambling around. Apparently, the pavement dissolved everywhere it took a step.”

“Really? That’s gotta be 106! Where was it?” Katherine asked excitedly.

“They said it was in the middle of Oyster avenue.”

“Seriously? You guys have a street called ‘Oyster avenue’?” Clef sounded exasperated.

“Yeah, got a problem with that?” Marcus asked.

“Enough, you two.” Dr. King slammed his palms on the table. “Marie, call your grandfather and tell him to use that teleporter we gave him to fall back here. Callie, tell Sheldon the same. Then, you two catch up with us so we can all take on 106 at once.” He addressed the communicator on his wrist, “Gears, you bring the dimensional transporter so we can get it back to its chamber on the spot.”

The two cousins and Dr. Gears spoke their affirmatives and left to do their jobs. “You’re going to need us to take you to Oyster Avenue. Hopefully, we’re not too late.”

“Well, then, let’s leave already.” Kondraki got up from the desk.

Within half an hour, the entire dozen-piece militia had arrived at Oyster Avenue. “I’m noticing a distinct lack of SCP-106 here.” Clef noted.

“Thanks, captain obvious. Wait.” Marcus knelt down to investigate the pavement. “Look at this. The ground here looks kind of malleable.”

“What do you mean, ‘malleable’?” Katherine knelt down next to him. “Oh, yeah, it’s almost liquid.” Marcus leaned over to touch the pavement. “No!” Katherine smacked his hand away. “Let me.” She dipped one of her dualies into the pavement. It bent around the weapon, like some viscous fluid, almost as if it was trying to climb the weapon and encroach upon her hand. When Kat pulled it out, half the object had melted into a smoking, lopsided mess. “Guess I’ll have to buy another one from Sheldon.” She lamented, “Probably should’ve expected that.”

“I can’t believe I almost touched that thing. Thanks for the save.” Marcus stood back up.

Katherine followed suit. “Don’t mention it. At least now we sort of have a trail to follow to SCP-106.”

Gears took note of the pavement. “If the road is still solid where we’re standing, we must surmise that it continues forward.” “So, what, we just walk on a road that’ll melt us? Speaking of which, what are we going to do about that after we deal with 106?” Marie asked.

“I recommend that we simply keep to the sidewalk and hope for the best. Every other time SCP-106 has breached containment, the effect it had on the pavement wore off by the morning.”

“Good. Once we’re on the sidewalk, I’ll keep ahead of you guys and hold my roller out in front of me. That way, we’ll have an early warning system in case there’s any 106 slime on there.” Callie suggested.

“I’ll admit, that’s not a half-bad plan.” Dr. King agreed.

The group followed their plan, with Gears pointing out where 106’s trail led while Callie’s roller didn’t encounter any acid the entire time. After some 10 minutes, they encountered SCP-106. It was standing in the middle of the street, perfectly motionless, staring dead at them.

“What’re the odds it’s been waiting for us?” Pearl asked apprehensively, gripping her dualies.

“I’d say pretty good. Or bad, actually.” Lauren gripped her splattershot hard enough to whiten her knuckles. “Everyone, weapons ready!”

The entire squadron pulled out their blaster rifles. “Fire!” Marie screamed.

Marcus, Lauren, Dr. King, Callie, Pearl, and Dr. Gears fired a storm of white-hot plasma directly at SCP-106. Drs. Bright and Kondraki, Marie, Marina, Dr. Clef, and Katherine all turned on their flashlights while approaching SCP-106.

The eldritch humanoid vocalized its horrific, shrill screech, writhing in agony. When she saw Marina hesitating, Katherine told her, “Don’t pity it. It’s just trying to trick you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I got that.” The half-dozen of them managed to use their flashlights to completely paralyze SCP-106.

“Now for me to perform my part of the plan.” Dr. Gears stopped firing his blaster along with everyone else. He rushed over to SCP-106, throwing down the dimensional transporter directly below it. The monster immediately fell into the portal, before Gears deactivated it.

“Is.. is that it? We won?” Katherine stared at where SCP-106 had been standing just seconds before. “We won! Finally! Please tell me that’s it.”

“Looks like it.” Kondraki smiled. “Merry christmas, or something like that.”

“Kondraki, it’s halloween.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Alto. Were you under the impression that I cared?”

“Enough, you two. Let’s get back to base.” Dr. Gears instructed.

Chapter Text

Exactly a week after Halloween night, Pearl and Marina were doing another news broadcast. “Some of you may remember last week, when several dozen buildings were burned down by a colossal humanoid entity.” Pearl added, “And if you don’t remember, then I’m guessing you either weren’t there or you were really disappointed when your night at the bar got interrupted.”

“Yes, well, anyway, in light of the recent broken masquerade and the fact that no anomalous activity has been reported in a week, we finally have some good news.” Marina finished, “Turf wars are back on!”

Pearl elaborated, “The first turf war will be held today at 6 pm. Also, as part of our effort to integrate the New Squidbeak Splatoon’s human auxiliary agents into the city, one of them will be joining a turf war team consisting of their three youngest agents.”

“Any team that wants to compete against them, feel free to sign up as usual. And now to discuss the aftermath of the fires last week.”

At the base of the New Squidbeak Splatoon, Marie, Callie, Marcus, Katherine, Lauren, and Drs. King, Gears, Kondraki, Clef, and Bright were sitting around what’d become their makeshift conference table. While Craig was sleeping in his quarters, the ten of them were discussing their plans for the day’s turf war.

“Alright, run this by me again. Why exactly are the three of us going to compete in the turf war?” Katherine asked.

Marie answered, “Because you three are the youngest and therefore the most endearing to the public, and since Callie and I are celebrities, if we competed, everyone would just see it as corporate shilling.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Lauren confirmed. “It’s true that Katherine’s adorable.”

Katherine nodded. “Yeah, I- wait what?!” Her eyes widened and she blushed, her face turning purple from ink-blood.

Lauren quietly giggled.

“I guess this plan makes sense.” Dr. King agreed.

“You’re just saying that because they put you on our team.” Marcus noted.

“That’s not true. I hope you remember our discussion last night.” Gears told him.

“Yeah, I know. He’s the only one of you guys whose stupidity won’t get everyone killed.”

“What about me? I consider myself fairly well-adjusted.” Dr. Gears calmly argued.

“Yeah, but Dr. King’s actually got a personality.” Callie stated.

“The rest of us have personalities.” Bright pointed out.

“Dr. King is the only one of you who overlaps between having a personality and being mostly sane.” Lauren interjected.

“Alright, so we’re all in agreement that Dr. King will try and help us get integrated into this society by competing in a popular sport alongside those three against four random idiots. Right?” Dr. Clef asked.

“Yeah, pretty much. I’m surprised you of all people managed to follow all that, Alto.” Kondraki answered.

”This is going to go so well for us.” Bright deadpanned, holding his forehead in his palm.

“Okay , so all I have to do is use this weapon…” Dr. King held up a splattershot pro. “...and use it to cover as much of the area as possible, right?”

“Yep. and if someone gets in your way, just waste them.” Lauren confirmed.

“Right, right. And you’re sure this’ll stop me from dying?” He held up his forearm, showing a long strip of blue metal strapped from his wrist to his elbow.

“Yep. Marina and Sheldon built that specifically to connect its wearer to the respawn point, meaning if you’re splatted your human body will just reappear there like we do naturally. We already tested it with Dr. Bright, and the results were completely successful.” Katherine explained.

“That’s a relief. Can we go in now?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re already signed up, so all we have to do is go in the lobby and confirm ourselves as the blue team. Then, it’ll automatically change our ink color to blue and we’ll get teleported to a turf war stage, where we’ll have to wait until one of the other teams that signed up gets selected by the randomized computer thingy.” Marcus instructed.

The group of four walked across the turf war lobby, over to a wall-mounted monitor with a keyboard jutting out below it. “Okay, first we select the blue team.” Lauren started typing. “Okay, now I’m gonna enter our team name. Mobile… Ink… Force.”

Dr. King squinted at her. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. I heard offhandedly that you guys have Mobile Task Forces. We use ink in turf wars. Hence, Mobile Ink Force.”

“And you guys are both okay with this?”

“I like it.” Katherine confirmed.

“Works for me.” Marcus agreed.

An automated female voice emerged from the speaker above the monitor, and instructed them, “Please stand on the blue teleportation point.”

They did as they were instructed. “Brace yourself.” Katherine told Dr. King, “Teleportation might be kinda-” They were shattered on a molecular level for three seconds, before reconstituting atop a building. It was in the middle of a small group of buildings, connected by a system of roads that zigzagged up and down, leading to a center area far below. “Oh, moray towers! I love this stage! Said no one ever!”

Marcus chuckled. “Alright, now all the other non-blue teams who signed up will have to wait until their team name gets called, then they’ll have 5 minutes to do what we did.”

“Yeah, I remember. We’ve got 3 minutes to shoot as much ink as possible while competing with the other team, right?” Dr. King clarified.

“Yeah, man. You’re pretty good at this.” Lauren confirmed.

“Let’s test that theory.” The Foundation scientist nervously adjusted his weapon.

After a few minutes, a green beam of light appeared on the other side of the stage. Marina’s voice came through several loudspeakers scattered around the stage, “Alright, folks! Our blue team is Mobile Ink Force, consisting of three members of the New Squidbeak Splatoon and the first-ever human turf war player! The green team is the Splat 4, consisting of the former leaders of four different teams from the past two years!”

Lauren blanched. “The S4?!”

“I’m guessing these guys are a big deal?” Katherine asked.

“I know you’re pretty new to turf wars, but these guys are legendary. I led a team of randos against them a few days before the Deepsea Metro fiasco, and we got completely stomped.”

“Great story, Lauren, especially considering I’ve only ever heard of these guys, but we’re not exactly helping our chances just standing around and talking.” Marcus pointed over to the other side of the stage, where several dozen square feet of the stage had already been covered in green ink.

“The kid’s right. Let’s move already!” Dr. King ran forward, shooting the ground to cover it with blue ink.

“Remember, territory is more important than splats, walls don’t count, and you’ll have to refill your ink at some point by touching your weapon to any ink that matches our color!” Marcus yelled over.

“Got it!”

Pearl’s voice emerged from the loudspeakers, “It’s already a close match, with both teams going gung-ho! Of course, they have yet to run into each other, but when they do, it’s sure to be a fight to remember!”

Marina’s disembodied voice interjected, “Unless, of course, they remember the importance of inking turf.”

Within a few seconds, the four members of both teams had started to split up, heading onto different paths. Marcus was shooting the ground with his splatling gun when he came across one of the S4 combatants. “Hey man, ready to lose?” The enemy splatling user taunted him.

“To who, a guy whose face looks genetically engineered to be as obnoxious as possible?”

The S4 member looked around. “There must be a misunderstanding. I don’t see any mirrors around here.”

“Oh, a funny guy, are you? Let’s see how funny you are when I splat you back to spawn.” Marcus fired a half-loaded shot.

The enemy inkling spun to dodge and immediately loaded his weapon, while Marcus dove back into the ink with his squid form. He swam through the blue liquid while refilling his ammo, barely keeping ahead of the stream of green ink.

Once the S4 member’s weapon had run out, Marcus jumped out of the ink with his splatling, charging it and firing at the opponent. His enemy backflipped out of the way of the oncoming blue barrage, while Marcus found himself unable to move. He looked down to find that he’d landed in the opposing team’s ink.

“Nice try, man. I’ll admit, you’re fast.” He held his weapon up, fully reloaded. “Just not fast enough to win.” He fired the splatling at Marcus, instantly transporting him back to base.

Katherine was heading down one of the middle paths, firing her dualies behind and in front of her, until another octoling jumped out at her firing green ink. In his hands, he held a pair of his own dualies. “Woah, dude, nice sneak attack.” Katherine held her dualies forward. “Too bad you missed.” She fired her own weapons at the opponent, who effortlessly rolled out of the way.

While Katherine was adjusting her aim, the S4 dualie user had already dove back into his own ink, moving too fast to hit. Kat tried to shoot her opponent. He moved too erratically for her to figure out where to aim either of her weapons, as though he could anticipate her aim. “I guess that makes two of us.”

The two dual-wielders started slowly circling each other, each sizing up the competition. “Don’t get cocky just because you got lucky!” Kat yelled over to him.

“Luck? I prefer to think of it as strategy.” He lunged forward, firing his dualies.

Kat tried to dive into her ink. The other octoling already had his other dualie pointed at the ground, instantly forcing her out of the ink. She tried to dodge-roll, only to find herself surrounded by green ink. With Katherine nearly immobilized, the green team member was easily able to splat her back to her team’s spawn point.

Dr. King was absentmindedly shooting the ground with his splattershot pro. Most of his thoughts were focused more on his current situation than the actual sport. His train of thought was interrupted when he came across an inkling splatting the road with her own green ink. Her back was turned to him. Dr. King used the opportunity to fire his shooter at the opponent’s unguarded back.

She dove into her ink, before jumping back out several feet away. She pointed her Splattershot pro at the human. “How dare you attempt such a dishonorably dishonorable attack? I shall now vanquish your dishonorable dishonor by honorably defeating you with honorable honor that honorably counteracts your dishonorable dishonor with honorable honor!”

Dr. King stared at the girl, trying to process what she’d just said. “What-”

The inkling proceeded to fire her splattershot. Dr. King’s Foundation training enabled him to easily dodge, despite being unable to go into the ink. “You are surprisingly skilled, which is very surprising indeed! I almost consider you a worthy opponent, but I will still conquer you in glorious combat!” She threw down a splatbomb, covering the entire front of the scientist’s torso in green ink. By the time he was able to see again, the girl had completely disappeared.

“Hey, where’d you go you little-” Dr. King felt something on his back, and realized she’d snuck up behind him. “Wait a second, I thought you said that was a dishonorable attack!”

The inkling stepped back, horrified. “Curses! Could my opponent be correct? Much as I hate to admit it, that seems to be the case! I know now that the only way to honorably restore my honorable honor is to commit sudoku!” She pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil, and started writing. “Could you give me a minute here?”

Dr. King stared at the girl, trying to process her actions. “I give up.” He fired his weapon at the girl. She threw her puzzle off the side of the building and dove back into her own ink, swimming directly towards Dr. King, who barely managed to dodge backwards as she jump-kicked out of her ink.

While skidding on the ground, she tossed her weapon into her other hand, and fired at her human opponent. “Now I have well and truly vanquished you, my opponent. However worthy you may have been, the simple truth is that I have achieved magnificent victory in this glorious combat!”

The inkling pressed the trigger on the splattershot, only for a barrage of appleseeds to fire out. “What the-?” She hit her weapon twice before shaking it, firing one last barrage of ink that banished Dr King back to the start.

Lauren sprinted down one of the roads connecting the buildings on moray towers, one of her favorite turf war stages, constantly watching out for her opponents. While she was lost in thought, her head was covered in green ink. She barely managed to dive backwards into her own ink before she would’ve been splatted. She immediately rose back up into humanoid form “Hey, show yourself!” She looked all around herself for her opponent.

“As you wish!” A voice came from directly above Lauren. An octoling jumped down from a higher position on the stage. She fired her octo shot replica downwards, creating a small pool of ink for her octopus form to safely dive into. She eagerly resumed her humanoid form. “So, you’re a member of Squidbeak? Who would’ve thought?”

“Yeah, I’m still kind of trying to wrap my head around it myself.”

“So did you join before or after the last time you went up against us?”

“That’s a secret. Besides, I was with strangers back then. Things are different now.”

The S4 member laughed. “Hate to break it to you, agent, but the S4 aren’t exactly strangers either.” She dove into and out of her own ink, moving too erratically for Lauren to properly aim at her. By the time she jumped out, Lauren had wasted her entire ink supply without landing any hits.

The S4 member had already started to fire ink out of her weapon, easily keeping up with Lauren’s attempts to dodge. “You may be a good agent, maybe even great. But as far as beating the S4 goes...” She twirled her octoshot, then tossed it to the other hand and back. “...don’t quit your day job.” She fired one last barrage, banishing Lauren back to the blue team’s spawn point.

“You guys too, huh?” Lauren looked at the rest of her team.

Dr. King looked down at his hands, as though trying to process what had just happened. “That girl was insane.” His voice was soft, quiet, and nervous.

They all heard Marina’s voice on the loudspeakers, “We’re at the halfway point, and it’s not looking good for Mobile Ink Force! The Splat 4 have knocked all their members back to spawn and nearly made it to the center. With over half of the stage covered in green team’s ink, blue team’s going to have to pull off a miracle to win.”

“Fortunately, it’s not like turf wars are a cornerstone of our society, meaning that the first ever human turf war player being on a losing team could potentially spell disaster in terms of integrating the human scientists from the other dimension, nor is it at all worrying that three members of a militia group meant to safeguard the city can’t win a turf war game.” Pearl briefly paused. “Wait. Oh no.”

Marcus started gesticulating wildly. “Come on, guys! We’ve still got a minute and a half to turn this around. If we can get to the center before them, maybe we can take the game back!”

Dr. King thought for a moment. “Let’s go!” The four of them managed to reach the center of the stage at the same time as the S4.

The dualie wielder laughed aloud, “There you are! I anticipated your inevitable return, my opponent, for it was inevitable. But now we have assembled our forces, so let us see which of our teams are superior in glorious combat!” The S4 brandished their weapons.

Katherine observed the competition. “They’ve all got the same weapons as us, so let’s try and switch it up.”

“Sounds good!” Marcus engaged the octoling boy with the dualies.

Katherine started firing at the inkling girl with the splattershot pro.

Dr. King fought the octoling girl with the octoshot replica.

Lauren engaged the inkling boy using the splatling.

Pearl’s voice came over the loudspeaker again. “Just as I expertly predicted at the start of the match, the two teams are engaged in an all-out brawl at the center of the stage! With only a minute left, blue team’s still got their work cut out for them, but this is going to be one turf war to remember!”

By the time they only had 30 seconds remaining, alarms started blaring from the loudspeakers, causing the combatants to all drop their weapons. “Everyone stop fighting! This is not a drill, I repeat, this isn’t a drill!” Marina was making no effort to hide the fear in her voice. “The respawn generators have stopped functioning. We’re cancelling the turf war until we can get them reliably back up and ready. Once that’s done, we’ll hold another turf war with free attendance. In the meantime, I’d recommend going home, and maybe picking something up from the gift shop.”

While everyone started to leave, the two teams looked at each other, disappointed. “What an unfortunate turn of events, especially for such worthy opposition! May we have better fortune come next battle!” The girl who’d fought Dr. King earlier held out her hand.

“Feeling’s mutual. I think.” The scientist accepted the handshake.

“Come on, let’s head back to the lobby.” Marcus gestured back over to the elevator that would take them back down to ground level.

“Yeah, of course.” The S4 splatling user pressed a button on his weapon, causing it to fold until it was small enough to fit on his back. “I’ve got some cash on me. How about we all stop over at Crusty Sean’s and get something?”

Lauren stepped in front of him. “Sorry, but we’re kind of busy. We should probably investigate this. Besides, why’re you all so chummy all of a sudden?”

The octoling Lauren had fought earlier shrugged. “We don’t wanna be a bunch of jerks who use our talent and fame to walk all over others, so-”

“So you’re trying to save face.” Katherine interrupted.

“What?”

“You wouldn’t have gotten that reputation if you didn’t act that way at some point, right?”

“Okay, maybe we were like that at some point.” The octoling admitted, twirling his dualies on his fingers. “But we’ve been trying to change, since now that we’re actually well-known players, that means others might be influenced by us.”

“Wait. Where’d that thing come from?” Dr. King pointed over to a modest-sized cubic stone, with strange markings all over it.

“I dunno. Do you think it might be one of your anomalies?” The S4 splatling user tried to get a closer look.

“Hey, don’t touch that.” Dr. King pushed him back. He saw a note attached to the box, and carefully picked it up. “Let’s see here. ‘I read one of your documents, and they were fascinating. I hope you’re able to appreciate this gift I sent you with my new teleportation tech.’ This doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone...” Dr. King’s eyes widened in realization. “Oh no.” He turned over to the other 7, horrified. “Run! Everybody run now!”

“Why? It’s just a rock.” The S4 member with the dualies questioned.

Dr. King yelled, “It’s not the rock I’m worried about; it’s what’s inside the rock!” The rock started glowing.

The two teams ran over to the elevator. “C’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon!” Dr. King frantically pressed the button rapid-fire until the doors opened. “Come on, we need to get out of here!”

“Dude, mind telling us what’s going on here?” One of the S4 members snapped.

There was a blinding flash of light, followed by a low-pitched scream for blood.

“Oh no. He’s out.” Dr. King sweated, punching the button to take them down to the first floor.

“Who’s out?!” The S4 member with the dualies asked apprehensively.

“A nigh-invulnerable, murderous demigod, that’s who.”

“Hey, didn’t you find something on that thing?”

“Yeah, here.” Dr. King handed the note over to Katherine. “It’s signed Octavio.”

“Wait, Octavio sent that guy here? How’d he find…” Marcus read the note over Katherine’s shoulder. “What document?!”

“The best I can figure is that the document and SCP-076 appeared somewhere in this dimension, and he decided to take the opportunity somehow.”

“Okay, but why would he attack a turf war stage?” The enemy splatling user asked.

“Why wouldn’t he? It’s a densely populated public area with a lot of televised coverage. The real mystery is how he managed to shut down the respawn generators.” Dr. King pointed out.

“Actually, there’s no guarantee it wasn’t a coincidence. The respawn generators haven’t been used in over a month, so they might’ve had something to do with the malfunction.” The girl with the octoshot told him.

“I see that introductions seem to be in order, so just know you can call me by my real name, which is Sydney.” The splattershot pro girl held out her hand. “You see, you’re meant to do this...” She took Dr. King’s hand and started shaking it. “We consider this gesture to be a most honorable sign of greeting.”

“We have this where I’m from, too.”

“Hey, how about you guys introduce the rest of your little squad?” Lauren gestured over to the other S4 members. “The whole reason Dr. King’s a member of our team is to help integrate his group into our society, after all.”

“Yeah, why not?” The splatling user approached the other team. “Just call me Ethan.”

“Trent.” The dualie user introduced himself.

“Name’s Madison.” The octoling girl clapped her weapon on her wrist.

“So, which one of you’s the leader?” Dr. King asked.

Sydney laughed wholeheartedly. “Right to the point, huh? I didn’t know how amusingly funny it would be to have a foreigner from a foreign dimension here! Since all four of us once led our own teams, that means none of us are really in charge of leading this team. Any one of us four can take the helm and lead the other three!”

There was a loud ding, and the elevator opened up inside the building’s lobby. “Come on, we have to get out of here.”

“Dr. King, no offense, but that elevator’s the only way down here aside from the stairs. There’s no way he’s even close to us.” Ethan pointed over to a comically tall flight of stairs.

“That doesn’t mean we’re anywhere close to safe. As long as SCP-076-2 is awake, nobody in this city is anywhere close to safe.” The scientist got out his communicator. “Charles, I’ve got bad news. SCP-076-2 has escaped. We have reason to believe it was teleported here by Octavio, the guy our allies in this dimension have been after.” He paused for a minute. “I want everyone to get over here. I’ll send you my coordinates now.”

Dr. King turned to address the blue team. “You four get out of the city. Tell everyone you see to evacuate this city. Marcus, Lauren, Katherine, you three are coming with me.”

The 4 inklings and 3 octolings nodded, before sprinting out of the building and splitting up. “Where are we going?” Marcus asked.

“We’re headed back to base, assuming we can survive.”

“Oh come on, there’s four of us and one of him. We can take him!” Katherine brandished her dualies.

“No, we can’t!” Dr. King grabbed her by the shoulders. “Four of us won’t be nearly enough to fight 076-2. Honestly, I’m not sure all of us together could take him! Not with brute force alone, anyway.”

A bloodthirsty yell echoed from far above.

“We need to get out of here, now!” Dr. King dragged the young agents out of the building and onto the street, alongside dozens of evacuating civilians. Something fell down from the roof, leaving a large smoking crater in the pavement.

After a few seconds, a lean man walked out of the smoke. He looked 25 years old, yet his void-black eyes carried the rage and pain of uncountable millennia. His tanned, almost bronze body was covered in muscles as well as arcane and occult tattoos. The only thing he wore was a toga that covered his upper legs and the left half of his torso. In his hand, he held a jagged obsidian-black sword with a four-foot-long blade.

“I’m guessing that’s SCP-076?” Marcus whispered from behind a building where they were hiding.

“O76-2, but yeah. He’s nearly unkillable, and he’s obsessed with killing everything he sees. One time, the higher-ups tried to make him part of a mobile task force squadron with anomalous agents pulled out of Foundation containment.”

“I’m guessing that didn’t end well.” Lauren remarked

Dr. King winced. “Have you ever seen a guy get his jaw broken by a foam sword?”

Lauren’s eyes turned back to the man’s saber. “We need to get out of here right now.” Before the group could find a way to sneak past 076-2, they heard Dr. Bright screaming.

“I found you, you monster! Do you remember me? The guy you attached to this cursed amulet, doomed to live forever?! Doomed to watch everyone and everything I’ve ever cared about die, until the heat death of the universe?!”

SCP-076-2 didn’t pay any mind to Bright’s words. He instead charged directly at the scientist. “I’ll hold him off! The rest of you, run!” Dr. Bright charged at SCP-076-2.

Callie, Marie, Clef, Gears, and Kondraki ran over to team Mobile Ink Force. “What was that all about?” Katherine yelled, “Why’s he trying to get himself killed?!”

“You know how Dr. Bright’s got that amulet that lets him come back to life?” Dr. Clef asked. Kat nodded. “076-2 is the reason for it. When we first brought in the amulet, SCP-963, Dr. Bright was bringing it into containment. 076-2 breached containment and Dr. Bright was in the wrong place at the wrong time. 076-2 killed him, and then his soul got bonded to SCP-963. He still holds a grudge against 076-2 for forcing him into immortality.”

“Guys, look!” Dr. King yelled over from the end of the alleyway facing into the street. SCP-076-2 had disappeared from view. Dr. Bright's amulet was sitting in the middle of the street, next to his disemboweled corpse. “He killed Dr. Bright again!”

Dr. Kondraki pointed at the amulet. “That bastard!”

Katherine sighed, “Don’t worry, guys, I got this.” She sprinted into the street.

Dr. Gears called to her in a monotone, “Wait. I must warn you what happens if you touch that amulet.”

“What’d you say?” The oblivious octoling picked up the amulet, blinked, and put it around her neck. She stumbled, holding her head and groaning.

“Kat?” Marcus hesitantly leaned forward. “You alright, bud?” He and Lauren ran over to her.

Katherine looked up. “Hey cool, I’m a teenager now. That’s new.”

The two inklings stepped back. Upon closer inspection, they could see that the octoling’s eyes had a different light behind them from usual. “Bright?” Marcus practically whispered.

“What? Yeah, of course I’m Jack Bright. Your friend really shouldn’t have-”

Lauren interrupted the new Dr. Bright with a punch to the face. “Take off the amulet. Now!” Her voice was a quiet snarl, dripping with contempt and rage. “I’ve been mind controlled before. I’m not letting my friend go through that hell.”

Dr. Bright shrugged. “Sorry, kid, but I can’t transfer out of this body until it dies. If it makes you feel any better, it’s less mind control and more possession.”

“And that’s better how?!” Lauren screamed, barely containing the urge to tackle the thing that used to be her friend.

“Eh, I mean, it’s really not, but...”

Marcus had to hold Lauren back from attacking Dr. Bright. “C’mon, let’s get back to base.” He entered the code on her transporter, teleporting her back to base before facing Dr. Bright’s new form. “Are you sure you can’t get out?”

“I’m afraid so.” The doctor almost sounded remorseful.

Marcus looked down at the street. “Okay. Okay, we need to find a way to get you out of there, without killing Katherine, right now. Any ideas?”

“Sorry kid, but you need to accept that that’s impossible and move on. Stopping SCP-076-2 takes priority.” Dr. King told the inkling.

Marcus scowled. “Fine. I won’t accept that Katherine’s dead, but you’re right about one thing. Let’s head back to base and figure out a way to beat that swordsman.”

Dr. King shook his head. “You go on your own. I don’t think I should go near your friend right now.”

“You got it.” Marcus punched in the code to teleport himself back to the group’s headquarters.

Dr. King, Callie, Dr. Clef, Marie, and Drs. Kondraki, Gears, and Bright ran through the streets of Inkopolis, trailing SCP-076. “At least this guy’s easy to find!” Callie remarked, “All we have to do is follow the trail of death and destruction!”

On the wall-mounted monitors above them, Pearl and Marina were already reporting on the situation. The death toll was in the dozens, hundreds in property damages, and a mass evacuation was in progress. “This is everything the Foundation has feared might happen if SCP-076-2 escaped the facility.” Kondraki stated, face pale.

“Is it just me, or has Octavio really stepped up his game?” Marie asked.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Her cousin agreed, “Last time his plan just amounted to stealing our power source and mind controlling me into helping him fight the newbie. He didn’t even cause any lasting damage.”

“Perhaps being presented with SCP-076, and the knowledge of its capabilities, was what motivated this individual to launch such a devastating attack.” Gears suggested.

“If that’s the case, we’ll have to stop him as soon as possible so he can’t weaponize any more of these things.” Marie stated decisively.

“Agreed. First things first though, we’ve got to figure out a way to beat 076-2.” Bright dictated, “I know more than anyone that thing can’t be beaten with brute force, not without turning this city into a crater.”

“Sounds like we need a strategy.” Callie started thinking, “Actually...”

As soon as Marcus teleported into the base, he found Lauren sitting on the couch, head down and body language closed off. He sat down next to her, feeling the springs and tufts of cotton dig into his back. “Hey, Lauren.”

She had no visible reaction to his presence.

“Come on, I just want to talk.”

She looked up at him, her eyes red.

“Dude.” Marcus reached up to touch his friend’s shoulder. “Have you been crying?”

“Sorry. It’s just... I can’t believe she’s gone.” Lauren had started shaking. “She saved my life and got me out of the Metro months ago, but I couldn’t save her from an amulet!” She screamed in Marcus’s face, causing him to fall off the couch. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” She helped him back up, wiping tears from her eyes. “It’s not your fault. I can’t forgive myself for-”

“-For what? I was there, Lauren. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything was just happening so fast that there was nothing either of us could’ve done. If anything, I share just as much blame as you.”

Lauren thought about it for a minute, slowly leaning in closer to Marcus. “Maybe you’re right. That doesn’t change the fact that our best friend is dead.”

Marcus held Lauren in a loose grip. “She isn’t dead yet.”

“Oh please, you heard what Bright said. We can’t get him out of her without killing her.”

“Yeah, I know. If only we had something capable of killing someone without actually killing them.” Marcus smiled. “Actually...”

“Callie if you have a plan, now would be a really good time to share it.” Dr. King requested.

“Okay, hear me out. Can you guys change where that portal thing opens up?”

“Of course." Kondraki confirmed, "That's how we got 106 back into containment. What's that got to do with anything?"

Marie’s eyes widened. "Oh, I think I get it! We're going to open a portal and have that guy walk back into containment, right Cal?”

Dr. Bright shook Katherine’s head. “That won’t work, kid. Even if we could get SCP-076-2 into a containment chamber, there’s no material on earth that can hold him for longer than five minutes at best. Whenever he’s reborn from that stone, we just do what we can to get him back in until we can figure out some material he can’t rip through like tissue paper.”

“First off, that’s horrifying. And second, I’m thinking more like, what if we don’t teleport him back into containment at all?” Callie suggested, “What if we use that dimensional portal device to teleport him into deep space?”

Gears thought for a moment. “That is a rather intriguing idea. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work, considering that even if SCP-076 isn’t immediately neutralized, it will be unable to cause any more harm for the time being.”

“Right.” Callie nodded. “So we just find that guy, get him to run at us, throw down the portal-thingy, and send him into the cold, infinite vacuum of space.”

“Ixnay on that first part.” Clef pointed over to the end of the street, where SCP-076 had turned the corner and was glaring straight at them from a few hundred feet away.

Lauren jumped off the couch, grabbing Marcus by his shirt collar. “You’ve got an idea to save Kat? Tell me! Tell me now, please!”

“Well first off, I’m starting to miss breathing. That was a fun hobby.”

“Oh! Sorry, man.” Lauren released Marcus.

“It’s fine.” He readjusted his shirt. “Right, so I’m thinking we can use the respawn generators to kill Katherine, transfer Dr. Bright’s soul somewhere else, and then let Kat respawn as herself.”

Lauren gave him a disappointed look. “Don’t you remember? The respawn generators are down.”

“Yeah, maybe at moray towers. maybe. Not necessarily at, I dunno, port mackerel for example.”

A smile appeared on Lauren’s face. “Holy… you’re right. Okay, let’s get Dr. Bright and Dr. King so they can help us out.”

“You got it.” Both of them teleported out of the base.

“I got this!” Marie loaded her charger, firing a stream of green ink in the SCP’s path. The demigod wasn’t slowed in the slightest. “No I don’t! How long’s it gonna take-”

“Portal’s ready!” Dr. King tossed the device over to Bright. “You’re closer!”

Dr. Bright tossed the portal device onto the ground the exact second SCP-076-2 passed over it. Instantly, he disappeared in a flash of light. “Yes! I can’t believe that actually worked”

Gears walked over to the device, closing it and tossing it back to Dr. King.

“Thanks.” His and Dr. Bright’s communicators started beeping on his wrist. “Hold on, let me take this.”

“Same here.” Dr. Bright opened the same 4-way call on Katherine’s communicator. “Hey, kids, you figured something out?”

”Yeah, I think we’ve got a way to separate Bright and Kat without killing either of them, at least not permanently.” Marcus explained.

“Tell me then, right now. I swear, this is making me miss being a monkey! At least then I could fling my-”

“Please just tell us.” Dr. King interrupted him.

“Okay, so the respawn generators on moray towers are broken. Port mackerel, though, has perfectly good, functioning respawn generators. If we can get there, we can kill Dr. Bright, let Dr. King figure out what to do with the amulet, and let Katherine respawn like normal.” Lauren explained.

“Huh. You know what? That’s actually not a bad idea. We just took care of SCP-076-2, so right now is perfect timing. How long will it take us to get there?”

“Wait, you got rid of that guy already? Dude, that’s great! Anyway, the port should only be a few minutes’s walk away.”

“Good, good. Tell you what, you two stay at the square so Bright and I can rendezvous with you, and then you can lead us over there and finish your cockamamie plan.”

“You’re a cockamamie plan.” Marcus responded.

“Well, appleseeds tend to appear wherever I go for no apparent reason, so you got me there.” Dr. King hung up. “Bright, you ready?”

His colleague turned off his communicator. “You bet.”

“Hey. Are you two ready?” Dr. King called over to the table where Marcus and Lauren were waiting in the square.

“Yeah man, we’ve been waiting for you guys. Let’s go already!” Lauren jumped out of the chair, practically dragging Marcus behind her.

“Yeah, port mackerel’s only a couple blocks away.” Marcus pointed over in the general direction of the port.

“Good work, kid. Now let’s go and kill me so I can come back to life.”

“Makes perfect sense.”

At the roof of the central moray towers building, a pitch-black cuboidal stone engraved with occult imagery pulsated with an ancient energy. It was neither demonic nor holy, yet completely unnatural. A few dozen feet away, the elevator opened to reveal 2 inklings and 3 foundation scientists.

“I’d recommend we spread out. Otherwise, it could potentially take us hours to locate-”

“Hey, is that it over there?” Marie interrupted Dr. Gears.

“What a rude little girl you are.” Gears looked over at the stone. “Although, you’re evidently a correct rude little girl. That is indeed SCP-076-01.” The five-member team hesitantly approached SCP-076-01.

“Something about this… I don’t know, it feels wrong somehow.” Callie whispered, like she was afraid of someone or something overhearing her.

“You’re not wrong.” Kondraki acknowledged, “We don’t know what this thing really is, only that 076-2 resurrects inside it whenever he dies.”

“So, just out of curiosity, how long will the resurrection take?” Marie asked, slowly stepping backwards away from the stone.

Dr. Clef shrugged. “Who knows? Could be hours, could be decades. Of course, asphyxiation usually takes an hour to do him in, so there’s that.”

“Oh, okay. That’s reassuring.”

“C’mon, you two. We’ve gotta take this thing back to base so we can wait for the others to get back with the portal generator.”

“Right. Let’s get it into the elevator.” Callie decided, as the five settled for pushing the stone.

Once they got to the elevator, Clef realized, “Wait a second. How’re we going to get this thing into the elevator?”

Kondraki thought for a moment. “Oh. We are so boned.”

“Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?” Lauren asked.

“Yeah, we’ve been over this multiple times. You guys kill me, Dr. King takes my amulet back to our dimension to find me a willing host, and the respawn generator brings your friend back with her own mind.” Dr. Bright stated casually.

“Good. Ready, Bright?” Marcus asked, pulling out his splatling.

“Of course I’m ready! You think I’m afraid of some ink? I’m Jack Bright, mother-” He was interrupted by a barrage of blue ink, instantly killing both him and Katherine.

“That was fast.” Dr. King mused, taking a metal grabber out of his pocket to pick up Bright’s amulet without actually touching it. Nearby, the respawn generator on their side of the port started glowing pink, as Katherine respawned there like they’d planned. “You two take care of your friend. I’ll see what I can do about this.” He activated the portal, reprogrammed to take him back to site-19.

“Ugh… guys, what’s happening?” Katherine groaned, holding her head as though she had a migraine.

“Katherine, you’re back! It worked!” Laren yelled, running over to embrace her. “How does it feel?” Marcus asked.

Katherine purred in her friends’ arms. “How does…? Well, I’ve got a headache. Almost like I’ve got two different people in one body. What’d I miss?”

Marcus winced. “That depends. What’s the last thing you remember?”

Katherine hesitated for a short moment. “I remember that Dr. Bright died. I picked up his amulet and then, I don’t know, I guess I just blacked out. What happened?”

“Come here. We can explain while we walk back to base.” Lauren suggested.

“Got it. Anything that gets me caught up.” Katherine jumped down from the respawn generator, and the three started walking back to their headquarters.

"Okay, I'm in position. Everyone else ready?” Clef asked through the communicator.

“Yes, we’re ready. Is the building empty?”

“Of course it’s empty, Kondraki; I checked a dozen times. Send it down already.”

“Alright. Let’s just hope this works.” Dr. Kondraki pocketed the communicator, before turning to the other 3. “Clef’s in position. Now for our part of the plan.”

The four of them pushed SCP-076-01 into the elevator, where it barely managed to fit. Before they could get it in all the way, a portal opened with Drs. King and Bright coming through, the latter now inhabiting the body of another D-class. “I hate to ask, but what are you four doing?”

Dr. Kondraki pointed over to the stone. “Isn’t it obvious? We’re trying to push SCP-076-1 into the elevator so it’ll fall down and we can push it back to base.”

“You’re aware that’s a terrible plan right?” Dr. Bright scoffed, “And this is coming from me, the guy who once tried to secure a containment breach with a chainsaw cannon.”

“Yeah well, without the dimensional portal doohickey, this was the best we could come up with. Besides, we waited until everyone left the building.” Marie tried to justify their plan.

“Good news. I’ve got the portal device right here, so now there’s no need to cause tens of thousands of dollars worth in property damages.”

“Oh, thank you so much!” Callie acknowledged before turning to her cousin and whispering, “What’s a dollar?”

Marie shrugged. “Beats me. Some kind of currency?”

“Okay, now we just have to push it into the portal.” Dr. King told the group. After a few minutes, the six of them managed to push SCP-076-01 back into its containment chamber.

“Good work, team. Now let’s head back to base.” Callie recommended.

“Huh. So that’s what happened. You know, that explains a lot, actually. Like this sudden banana craving, considering the guy was a monkey when we first met him.” Katherine told Marcus and Lauren, while sitting between them on the couch.

Callie, Marie, and Drs. King, Gears, Bright, and Kondraki teleported into the base. “Good news, everyone. We managed to get SCP-076-01 back into containment, and SCP-076-02 is probably still stranded in space.” Bright told them, “And more importantly, I’m no longer a scrawny little teenager.”

“Good. That means we can...” Marcus started, before realizing they were one short. “Hey wait a minute, where’s Clef?”

An hour after the moray towers’ closing time, Dr. Clef had started to realize the SCP wasn’t going to fall in his direction. “Well, this blows chunks.”

“Oh, Alto, you’re back.” Kondraki acknowledged his colleague teleporting into their base.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me you came back here? I was waiting by that elevator for two hours.”

“We were going to, but someone-” Katherine pointed over to Dr. Kondraki. “-decided it’d be better to wait and see how long it took you to figure it out. Of course, now he owes all of us 5 dollars each, which would be great if our currency wasn’t snail-based.”

Dr. Clef scanned the nine of them, slowly putting his hand up to his head. “Okay. I can see most of you doing that, but you, Charles? Really? I always thought you were above these sorts of shenanigans.”

Dr. Gears shrugged. “Dr. King managed to convince me it’d be a worthy experiment.”

“And funny!”

“Whatever. Let’s see what’s on the news.” Dr. Clef turned on the TV, in the middle of a news broadcast.

“Now, just as a reminder, we’ll be sending search parties out into the surrounding areas to look for those who managed to evacuate.” Marina added, “And now, something else.”

The screen transferred over to the forest, where Sheldon was holding a microphone. “Oh, are we-yes, it seems we’re on. Well, I’m a bit new to this whole, ah, news anchor, but, uh, here’s the ones who found the thing I’m supposed to be reporting on.” He handed the mic over to someone offscreen, while the cameraman panned over to Ethan, holding the microphone, and the other members of the S4.

“Hey, those’re the guys we fought in the turf war.” Dr. King realized.

“What’d they find?” Marcus asked.

Ethan started speaking into the microphone. “We were evacuating the city when we realized it was under attack by one of those, I dunno, those SCP things. We found something, but I'm not sure what it is. I mean, we know what it is, but I’m not really sure how to explain it. Here, let me...” The S4 members turned to the side.

The camera zoomed in to reveal a clearing with a small cluster of simple wooden cabins.

“Wait a second.” Marie squinted at the TV, horrified. “Is that...?” Her fears were confirmed when several humans passed into frame, completely oblivious to the fact their new settlement had just been exposed to the inhabitants of a foreign dimension.

“Well, everyone.” Callie practically whispered, trying to hold back her panic. “Our secret’s out.”

Chapter Text

In the year 8000 A.D., the apocalypse was approaching mankind. Only one man had realized the danger before it was far too late. Professor Vincent Schlumper had been fascinated by the ocean ever since his childhood, which he considered likely had something to do with the fact that the land had been consumed in a fifth world war for as long as he could remember. Somewhat recently, his studies had revealed that the ocean was starting to expand. He realized humanity, and quite possibly all land-dwelling life, was well and truly doomed a few years ago after the Antarctic ice caps had been melted by an atomic explosion.

The utilization of alien technology had been ubiquitous for as long as crashes became increasingly frequent. The United Central Eastern government had set up a facility in Antarctica to reverse-engineer a crashed spacecraft, filled with extraterrestrial technology. Antarctica had legally been an international neutral zone for millennia, meaning that the UCE using it to develop technology for their own war efforts was considered a blatant violation of international law. The propagandists had a field day with the incident for obvious reasons.

Vincent, however, had been more horrified than anything else. The melting of the Antarctic ice caps had only exacerbated the rising sea levels, a problem that’d been happily ignored by most governments over the past few decades in favor of the war. He had tried to warn the local, state, and federal governments, but he’d been turned down at every turn. He wasn’t sure if they didn’t believe him, or if they just didn’t think the problem was as urgent as it really was, but the outcome was clear. Unless the governments of the world put aside their petty differences, the whole of mankind would be consumed under the seas within the year.

Vincent was well aware that there was little to no chance of such a thing happening. Even though the war had continued far past the point where everyone had forgotten its original cause, the dozens of world powers involved refused to concede defeat. To concede defeat would be to admit weakness, and to admit weakness would be tantamount to treason.

Vincent, for his part, had opted to attempt the invention of a cryogenic stasis pod in order to save as many people as he possibly could. However, he’d only perfected a small prototype meant for his pet cat before he realized he was already much too late. With full knowledge that squids might walk on land sooner than the government would heed his warnings, he’d opted to place his cat Judd into cryogenic stasis in the vague hopes that after 10,000 years, he’d awaken into a new world.

The professor hadn’t planned any further ahead than that. He was fully aware that he wouldn’t be around long enough for it to matter. While he didn’t have sufficient time to create a single human-sized cryogenic stasis pod, he’d been working on an artificial intelligence for several years by that point. It’d originally been meant as a simple household assistant, albeit highly advanced, but over the past several months it’d gained a new purpose: to pass humanity’s knowledge on to the next dominant species of earth.

Because of its original intended purpose, Vincent had named the AI Tartar, after his favorite condiment to have with fish. With his cat sleeping in cryo-stasis and his AI set to provide mankind’s knowledge to whatever species would inherit the earth, Vincent was as satisfied as he could be, watching over the ocean that would soon engulf him and everything he held dear.

10 millennia later, a new species had come to dominate the earth, just as the long-forgotten professor had predicted. Cephalopods, as well as a few other aquatic species, had evolved to live primarily on land. Now self-aware, the creatired had decided to give their species new names. The creatures evolved from squids had called themselves inklings, while the descendants of octopi had taken to referring to themselves as octolings and octarians. The two species, both coming from the same origin, had quickly become allies. Once they’d managed to get a proper civilisation going, the two species had invented a new sport.

Turf wars were 4-on-4 competitions to see which of two teams could cover more of a certain area in their team’s chosen color of ink, and quickly caught on as the flagship sport of the first cephaling settlement, Urbem Maris . However, the fact that octolings were naturally more mathematically-inclined than inklings meant that they had an unfair advantage in determining how much of an area had been covered in each team’s ink, and therefore an unfair advantage in determining the winner of a turf war. At first, this had been seen as a minor inconvenience.

Once turf wars became a prominent facet of cephalopod culture, however, it eventually became apparent that the situation couldn’t continue as such for much longer. After much debate, the leadership council-a governing body consisting of 6 octolings and 6 inklings-opted to send out an inkling, Gregory Cuttlefish, and his octoling friend, Decimus Julius Octavio, to find someone capable of settling the turf war disputes while remaining as neutral as possible. The two of them had been wandering around for about a week without finding anything of note, when Decimus decided he’d had enough.

“Gregory, pray tell, how long have we been searching for an individual capable of solving our turf war plights?”

Gregory paused for a moment. He looked up at the position of the sun, and then counted how many times since they’d departed that he’d seen it in that same position. “I’d wager around 7 days and 7 nights.”

“Just as I thought. Now, how long were we supposed to be out here?”

Gregory shrugged. “In case you’ve forgotten, Julius, we didn’t have any plans for how long this would take. We both agreed we wouldn’t return without someone fully capable of judging our turf wars, completely unbiased.”

“I am well aware of this, Gregory. However, I agreed to this before I realized we would be no closer to our goal by the time we were nearly halfway through our rations. I’m afraid if we go any longer without turning back, we may not have enough food to get us back to Urbem Maris . On that note, do we even know how to get back?”

“We’ve been going like this for a week, and you just now decide to ask how we’re getting back?”

“Until now, I had faith in your judgment. Now that we’ve been out here this long with our still-dwindling rations, I’m starting to become more skeptical.”

“Please, Decimus, of course I’ve marked the trees with my knife. They now bear the symbol of Urbem Maris , so we just have to follow them to get back. Besides, when have I ever let you down?”

Decimus thought for a moment. “Well, there was that time we were chasing that chicken and you-”

“Okay, very well, so maybe I’ve made a few mistakes.” Gregory tried to interrupt his friend, “And besides, we agreed to never speak of that again. Now, are you really sure you want to quit? You know the council won’t be happy if we return in failure.”

Decimus was given pause by the last part. “Very well then.” He sighed, “I suppose if we run out of food, we could always become hunter-gatherers, like our ancestors.”

“Are you sure? You have always preferred the agricultural life, Decimus.” Gregory joked.

“Don’t worry. I practiced my weapon for a day before leaving Urbem Maris. ”

“That’s the spirit, Julius. Now come. While I was keeping watch over our campsite last night, I could’ve sworn I saw something wash up on the shore.”

“Really? Why didn’t you mention this earlier?”

Gregory shrugged. “I wasn’t sure if it was important. I was so tired, I wasn‘t even sure if it was real. Still, I think I’ve got a good idea where it should be.”

“Well, what’re we waiting for, then? Let’s go find it already!” Decimus ran off in a random direction, before stopping after a few seconds. “I’m going the wrong way, aren’t I?”

Gregory pointed his thumb backwards over his shoulder. “Yes, you are.”

By the time the sky was red with a sunset, Gregory had been leading Decimus down the coast of the nearby beach until they came across some sort of device. It resembled a sort of capsule, large enough to fit a small object inside. It was stark white, though turning it over revealed that the front was a window. The inside was blurred by the sand and ocean, leaving only a vague shape visible inside.

“What do you think it is?” Gregory asked his companion.

“How do you expect me to know? It’s your discovery.”

“I only saw it wash up. This is my first good look.” Gregory looked down at the ancient pod, a remnant from a long-dead civilisation that predated his very species. “Whatever it is, we should open it together.”

Decimus immediately agreed. The pod, having been cryogenically sealed for 10 millenia, didn’t open until after several minutes of prying. Dry ice billowed out of it like smoke, as a small, round figure crawled out.

The creature was a cat, not that the humanoid cephalopods could have any way of knowing that. “Ah, after 10,000 years, I’m free! Oh, ow my back. What happened?” The cat looked around as it spoke. Gregory and Decimus weren’t aware of the fact that most cats had been incapable of speech before going extinct along with most other mammals, though this one had been genetically engineered by its owner to be far more intelligent than its feline brethren.

Gregory kneeled down to make eye contact with the small animal. “Greetings, strange creature. What do you call yourself?”

“Well now, I remember my owner called me Judd. I was a pet, you see. In the old world, a long time ago. My owner was a scientist, who built that device to preserve my life. Now that we’ve properly introduced each other, I suppose we’ll be going our separate ways.”

“Now, wait just a moment there.” Decimus stopped the cat. “We haven’t introduced ourselves to you, and we have a problem back home I’m thinking you might be able to help us with.”

“Very well. I suppose I have nothing better to do.”

“Excellent. I am Gregory Cuttlefish, and my fellow here is Decimus Julius Octavio. We were hoping you could become the judge of our turf wars.”

The cat gave him a strange, confused look. “You want me to judge what now?”

“Apologies.” Decimus clarified, “It’s a sport played by inklings, like my friend here, and octolings, such as myself. Recently, it’s come to our attention that octolings are statistically superior at math, which is integral to the sport. Pray tell, are you competent with mathematics?”

Judd shrugged his tiny shoulders. “Yes, I suppose I have some knowledge of math. It probably has something to do with my owner being a scientist.”

“Good, then. we’ll need you to tell us how much of a turf war arena has been covered in each color of ink after every game.”

Judd looked at Gregory, confused again. “Did you say ink?”

Once Gregory and Decimus returned to Urbem Maris with Judd in tow, they were given a hero’s welcome. Judd proved his competence in impartially judging turf wars, and became something of a symbol for the town. Over the years, Urbem Maris grew in size and population. Turf wars changed over the years as well. Though the basic structure was always the same, new technologies brought new rules and regulations.

Arenas became larger and more complex, while the revolutionary invention of the respawn generator allowed weapons to become more advanced, as well as the removal of armor, making turf wars faster-paced without fear of permanent death in sports. If a competitor perished during a game, they would simply return at the respawn generator none the worse for wear. Judd discovered a method his professor had left to create a clone of himself, allowing his legacy to continue for thousands of years.

Over time, the separations between inklings and octolings grew more pronounced, until the octolings elected to found their own city and establish a separate culture and government. Initially, the two races maintained a mutual respect. However, the sea levels were still rising. At first, this problem was safely ignored, but at some point it became clear that only one of the two species could remain on the surface while the other would have to retreat underground.

Naturally, the inkling and octoling governments both refused to move their respective peoples belowground. As a result, the great turf war officially began in the year 1900. Before that, however, the members of the two species were generally friendly on a personal scale, if not a governmental scale.

“You coming, Craig?” David called.

“Yeah! Just give me a second.” The fourteen-year old Craig Cuttlefish and his similarly-aged friend, David Jones Octavio, continued on their way to their meeting place. A few years ago, the inkling city of Oceanside and the octarian city of Octoberg had declared war on each other. However, the great turf war was still new enough that the younger generation was mostly unaffected. All they knew was that the adults were fighting over space.

After some time, the two cephalings made it to a cave in the clearing in the middle of the forest, which they had set up as their meeting place with their friends, the horseshoe crab Ammoses Shellendorf, and two inklings, Carter and Kelsey. As always, Craig had slept in, necessitating David to go to his place and wake him up.

Between the distance and the fact that octolings like David visiting Inkopolis were now frowned upon at best, it was a couple of hours before they made it to the cave, which Carter and Kelsey had discovered a few years ago and shown to the other three. After about five minutes of amateur spelunking, they managed to find the natural alcove where the other three had set up.

The makeshift room consisted of Carter, Kelsey, and Ammoses sitting on a blanket to make up for the hard cave floor, around a large, circular rock, which they used as a table for their snacks. “Hey guys, sorry we’re late.” Craig apologized, taking a handful of squid rings out of his bag.

“What makes you think ‘sorry’ is going to cut it this time?” David snapped, grabbing one of the squid rings from out of Craig’s hands.

“What are you… what was that for?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe how you made me go out into Oceanside again, even though my kind are becoming more and more unwelcome by the day. Do you even know how many times I was nearly spotted?”

“Come on, David. He didn’t mean anything by it, and besides, you’re just a kid. It’s not like anything would’ve happened if someone saw you.” Kelsey tried to assure the octoling.

David sat down across from Craig. “Maybe, but that’s not a chance I’m willing to take. You know I saw a bunch of inklings tearing apart a photo of inkling and octarian integration?”

“Oh, come on.” Carter rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen news reports of octarians burning books depicting the inklings as good.”

“Yeah, but those are just civilians. The octarian government is still focused on the actual war.”

“Yeah, David, that’s the problem.” Craig bitterly snapped, “Your people are trying to kill my people.”

“Forgive me, but I’m afraid I don’t see the purpose of this conversation.” A small, tinny voice piped up.

Carter, Craig, David, and Kelsey looked at Ammoses. “What do you mean? We’re just talking about the war.”

“Exactly my point, Carter. I allowed the four of you to establish your club here specifically so you could avoid worrying about the war. Really, I’m just here as a supervisor to make sure you don’t do anything you’re not supposed to. Especially not those two.” He pointed at Carter and Kelsey.

“Wait, why are you pointing at us like that? What do you think we’d do without you here?” Kelsey asked.

“At your age, you should know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Carter immediately realized what he meant. “Woah, woah, no, that’s not...it’s not like that, I swear! We can’t even physically do that yet!”

Kelsey just laughed. “I dunno, we do know each other pretty well. Maybe we could-”

“Alright, you two, that’s enough. Does anyone have anything to talk about besides the war? Or your adolescent hormones? You can save that for your parents.”

“You mean the parents who’re trying to force us to stop seeing each other? The parents who are trying to turn us to their side of the war?” Craig asked, growing angry.

“Well, uh, yes?” Ammoses glanced around nervously.

David smiled. “My parents are training me for combat. They want me to join the war as soon as I come of age.”

“I’m sorry, David. If you want, you could stay over at my place.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Kelsey. If I lived with you, our parents would find out immediately and then who knows what would happen?”

“Sorry, it’s just...I want to help.”

“Thanks a lot, but there’s nothing you can do.”

“David, that’s not true.” Ammoses stated bluntly, “I’m sure if you talked to the right authorities-”

“That’s the problem, Ammoses! There are no ‘right authorities’! The octarians want me to join their side of the war, and the inklings want me to stay at octoberg. Either way, I’m going to join the war! I’ll use that to my advantage! You know what I’ll do? I’ll climb the ranks until I’m in charge of the octarians, and then I’ll put an end to the war peacefully. I’ll go down in history as the man who single handedly ended the conflict between the inklings and octarians.”

David sighed, “I’m sorry, I can’t be here right now. I’m going home, or at least what excuse for a home I have.” He left the cave, trying to hide the fact he’d started crying. The other four stared after him, too stunned to try calling him back, in an uncomfortable silence.

Come the year 1910, the great turf war had been raging nonstop for a decade. Craig, David, Carter, and Kelsey had reached the age of twenty. While the three inklings joined the war on the inklings’ side, David found himself with no other choice than to join the octolings’ side of the conflict, over time buying more and more into their propaganda until he no longer remembered his old friends. Craig had recently been promoted to second lieutenant, and had been tasked with forming a specialized militia group to combat the octarians. To that end, he’d called Carter and Kelsey to meet with him at one of the inkling army’s bases.

“So, what you’re saying is you want the two of us to help you form a team to fight the octarians.”

“Actually, Carter, I was just about to introduce our fourth member. Now where is-”

“Right here, Craig!” A familiar voice called out from the other side of the room. Ammoses shellendorf paused his blow torch welding, lifting the protective goggles off his eyes.

“Ammoses!” Kelsey smiled at her old friend. “It’s been years! Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been hired as the technician of the Squidbeak Splatoon.”

“Squidbeak Splatoon? Is that what this group is called?” Carter asked.

Craig shrugged. “I thought it was a good name.”

“No, no, it’s fine. What’s our first assignment?”

“I’m glad you asked.” Ammoses pulled out a map, unfolding it until it covered the table. “The octarians have taken control of Arowana castle, outside the city limits. If they’re allowed access to the weapons our forces have got stashed there, the results would be disastrous. Therefore, you three will have to go there, leading a group of 2 dozen soldiers, and take back the castle for our forces. It’d be preferable if you could leave the place intact, considering how valuable it is to our arsenal. Understood?”

Craig nodded, while Kelsey squinted at the map. “Three of us? Why aren’t you going with us?”

“Did you not hear me earlier? I’m just a technician, not a combatant.”

“Alright.”

“Right.” Carter stood up straight. “When do we leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.” Craig answered, “Best get some rest tonight.”

By noon of the next day, Craig, Carter, and Kelsey found themselves looking out on a cliff over Arowana castle, where half a dozen octarian sentries stood guard. “Here’s the plan. We’ll split into three groups of 9, one of us plus 8 soldiers. Kelsey, you lead your group to the front of the castle and draw the majority of fire. Carter, you and your group use the distraction to take out the front guards. I’ll lead the last group into the castle itself, where we’ll rendezvous and take out the remaining octarians.”

“I’m not sure I’m okay with being bait.”

“Kelsey, don’t think of it as bait.” Craig patted her on the shoulder. “You’re a tactical distraction.”

“That just sounds like bait with extra steps!”

“Quiet!” Carter hissed, “Do you want them to hear you?”

“Right, right. Okay. I suppose I can work with this plan.”

Craig turned around to address the other soldiers in their platoon. “Everyone ready?”

The infantrymen all cocked their bamboozlers, specially designed for the war, to signal in the affirmative. The sound echoed loudly, just out of earshot from the opposing forces.

“Then let’s move.” Kelsey instructed, “Squadron 1, you’re with me. Squadron 2, go with Carter. Squadron 3, you’re with Craig. You know which one you are. And remember, even if we can only see six of them, there’s going to be more in hiding.”

The members of squadron 1 followed their leader down a nearby slope to the front of arowana castle. Kelsey couldn’t help but choke back vomit, as she gazed upon the castle that had been corrupted by the enemy forces. Tall spires that had once served as a symbol of inkling bravery now served as a symbol of octarian conquest, the people who wanted nothing more than to see her and everyone she loved forced to live in underground hovels. Time and again, she had asked herself if her side was any better, how what they wanted for the octarians was any better.

Over time, Kelsey and everyone else had taught themselves to push those feelings aside and focus solely on the war. ‘Better them than us’ was the dominant philosophy of the war. Kelsey’s mind raced as she led her squadron to the front doors of the enemy’s newest stronghold.

The lookouts immediately noticed the Squidbeak Splatoon, and alerted the sentries to their presence. There were about a dozen being sent out against them, far less than they expected. She could hear Craig calling out from the cliff, “Carter, I think they’re catching on to our plan! You’re up early; go, go, go!”

Squadron 2 charged the front gates, joining squadron 1 in combating the octarian forces. With the slight advantage in numbers, the inklings were able to take out the guards. “Okay, squadron 3, the coast is clear; let’s go!” Craig led the last third of the platoon down the cliff. They entered the castle alongside the rest of the group.

There were a few dozen octarian soldiers, who were clearly waiting for them ever since they’d started assaulting the front of the castle. The octarians surrounded the inklings on all sides, some maneuvering to the front so they could block the exit. “Outnumbered, outgunned, and surrounded? Bring it on!” Carter yelled at the enemy forces.

The 2 dozen inklings spread out to fight against the octarians that outnumbered them 5-to-1. Roughly half of the platoon was killed, though their superior weaponry allowed them to visit grievous losses upon the octarians who had yet to unlock the code for the weapons vault.

After several minutes of combat, Craig had pinned an octoling soldier to the wall. “Where’s the commander in charge of this stronghold?” He held his weapon to the enemy.

The soldier choked, eyes wide in fear. “He’s at the vault, trying to blow it open.”

Wordlessly, Craig knocked the octoling’s head against the stone wall, knocking him out while keeping him alive for the time being. “Carter, Kelsey, the commander’s at the vault! Let’s go already!” His fellow commanders, as well as the remaining dozen or so infantrymen, followed him into the room at the end of the nearby hallway.

There, they saw someone laying down explosives, while the half a dozen guards who’d been flanking him charged at the inklings. “Squadrons 1 and 2, keep the guards busy. Squadron 3, we’re neutralizing the commander.” As the two groups split off, Craig was given pause when he saw the enemy commander. “David?”

David Jones Octavio turned around. He took a few moments to recognize the man he had once been proud to call his friend. “Who?” His squinting eyes widened in recognition. “Craig? Is that you?”

“David, it’s me. Please, call off the attack, and we can-”

“Save it, inkling.” The octarian snarled. “I have no choice in this war, and neither do you. Let’s just get this over with.” He knelt down, lighting a match.

Craig panicked. “David, stop!” one of the infantrymen in Craig’s squadron fired a shot at octavio. He dodged the shot, which harmlessly struck one of the bombs. Octavio ran forward, throwing the match behind him.

After half a minute, the explosives activated, blasting apart the vault door. However, the octarians had overestimated the structural integrity of the castle, resulting in most of the weapons stored there being rendered useless.

The castle was crumbling around them. Most of the infantrymen on both sides were dead. Craig pleaded, screaming to be heard over the falling stones, “David, come on, please! You can defect! You can join our side, you can-!”

“No! I belong here, Cuttlefish! I am a leader to the octarians! A hero to my people! My life has purpose here! If I joined your side, I’d just be another disposable soldier, forced to fight my family in the hopes of banishing my own species underground!”

Craig, Carter, Kelsey, and David escaped arowana castle, while only a handful of infantrymen survived on both sides. Arowana was destroyed, crippling the inklings’ arsenal.

The octarians built giant machines called the great octoweapons, which laid waste to the inklings’ bases. One day, however, the carelessness of one particularly inept technician resulted in the great octoweapons losing power before they could storm the inklings’ central stronghold.

By the year 1918 of the Mollusc Era, a full 18 years after the war started, the octarians were forced to admit defeat and send their species underground.

The inkling’s city of Oceanside continued to grow as it once had, engulfing the territory the octarians had once claimed for themselves. The name of the city changed multiple times, until it was finalized in the late 2000’s as Inkopolis. Technology continued to advance and turf war rules kept changing without altering the overall structure, while Judd continued to follow the instructions left by the professor to clone new generations, keeping turf wars properly judged for decades to come.

Over time, the existence of the octarians was reduced to history books, until they were thought to be all but extinct. In the year 2018, the octarians stole the great zapfish, Inkopolis’s primary energy source. Unable to find anyone else to believe him who’d be young enough to venture into their territory, captain Craig Cuttlefish recruited a 14-year old named Lauren to join his granddaughters, Callie and Marie, as members of the new squidbeak splatoon.

The group was ultimately successful in recovering the great zapfish while keeping the octarians’ continued existence a secret. Two years later, the octarians used newly-developed mind control technology to turn Callie to their side. Marie recruited the 14-year old Marcus to recover the great zapfish a second time and break the octarians’ mind control.

At the same time, captain Cuttlefish and Lauren found themselves in an eldritch place called the Deepsea Metro, where they met a 15-year-old octoling named Katherine. They found out that hundreds of octolings had moved to Inkopolis after witnessing the battles between the new squidbeak splatoon and their ruler, DJ octavio.

While trying to help Katherine escape the Metro, they discovered the telephone that’d been guiding them throughout was actually Tartar, the AI built by the long-forgotten professor Vincent Schlumper 12,000 years ago. Over the millenia, Tartar had become corrupted, until it saw inklings and octolings as unworthy to inherit the planet. Enraged by the inklings’ obsession with fashion and turf wars, and the octarians’ obsession with revenge, Tartar tried to wipe out all sentient life on the planet.

With the help of two civilians, Pearl and Marina, the three managed to annihilate Tartar and save their planet. Afterwards, Pearl and Marina declined joining the group, instead remaining as auxiliary support.

Katherine opted to join the New Squidbeak Splatoon under the moniker of agent 8. Under the supervision of Craig, Callie, and Marie, the three agents became the guardians of the peace in Inkopolis, ensuring that there would never be a second great turf war.

Chapter Text

“We need to think of a plan. Some way to gain the humans’ trust.” Craig told the assembled group.

The meeting consisted of fourteen individuals. The captain of the New Squidbeak Splatoon, his granddaughters, the three youngest agents, Sheldon, off the hook, and Drs. King, Bright, Kondraki, Clef, and Gears.

“The way I see it, we’ve got to send some of us out to properly introduce your people to theirs.” Dr. King suggested.

“Makes sense. How many do we send?” Marie asked, “And which ones?”

“Seeing as there are 14 of us, I propose we send half our number.” Gears replied.

“Right. And since this is our attempt to integrate them into our world, we should send inhabitants of our world.” Sheldon added, “Namely myself, the agents, and the captain. The rest of you can stay here and monitor for SCPs.”

“Sounds good. I’ve been wanting to get out of town for a while now. Everything’s just been changing so fast.” Marcus accepted.

Callie patted him on the shoulder. “I say we leave immediately. Any objections?” She looked around at the team. No one raised any dissent. “Okay then, let’s go.”

“Yep. We can take our van.” Marie stood up from the table.

“Got it.” Kat turned to the rest of the group. “You guys try not to burn down any more of the city while we’re gone.”

“We’ll see what we can do.” Clef shrugged.

Pearl facepalmed. “How reassuring, that I can’t even be sure if that was sarcasm.”

Some hours later, Callie was driving her and Marie’s van. Her cousin slept in the shotgun seat, while Sheldon and Craig sat in the backseat.

In the middle of the van, the three kids were arguing about how the humans’ society would function. “They’re probably hunter-gatherers, like our ancestors.” Marcus guessed, “Maybe we could start food trades.”

“How?” Lauren asked, “They’re from another dimension; they’re economy is completely different from ours.”

“I heard from Clef their economy is based on pieces of paper called dollars.” Katherine interjected.

“Oh, come on, seriously. Who ever heard of a paper-based economy?” Marcus questioned.

“I don’t know. Who ever heard of a talking sea slug, or a time-changing history book that makes you use your blood as ink, or killer teddy bears made of organs?” Callie added from the driver’s seat.

“I don’t remember any teddy bears.” Lauren pointed out.

Callie shrugged. “We don’t tell you everything.”

“Fine, but it still makes no sense. Like, why paper specifically? Why not rocks, or plastic, or some other material? Plus, why did that lizard monster go through the portal to our dimension of all places to begin with? Not to mention we still don’t know what the deal is with this Khahrahk thing Dr. Gears told us about, or what it has to do with the multiverse being destroyed. Oh, and did I mention the multiverse is being destroyed?!” Marcus had started to hyperventilate, overwhelmed by everything happening all at once.

“Dude, calm down.” Katherine put her hand on his shoulder. “Just remember, one crisis at a time. For now, let’s just focus on making first contact with the humans.”

“Alright, alright, I-I’m good. You’re right. One thing at a time.”

“Hey guys, we’re here!” Callie turned around. “You ready, team?”

“I think we’re as ready as we’ll ever be.” Sheldon responded.

“Good, then I’ve just got to wake up Marie.” Callie opened the door next to her cousin, leaning over and shouting, “We’re here! Wake up!”

Marie startled out of her seat, falling out of the van through the open door. Immediately, she stood up and reached into the van to try and throttle Callie. “Callie I swear if you ever do that again I’ll-”

“That’s enough, agent 2.” Craig pulled Marie out of the van. While Callie was getting out, he added, “And agent 1, please refrain from doing that again.”

“Yes, gramps.” Callie agreed.

“Well, this peace visit is off to a great start.” Marcus snarked. The five inklings, the octoling, and the horseshoe crab started walking into the makeshift town.

Craig stepped to the front of the group, approaching the nearest human. “Excuse me, sir, would you happen to know the leader of this settlement?”

The human smiled. “Well of course I know him. He’s me.”

Marcus squinted at the individual, before his eyebrows shot up in recognition. “Shotgun?”

“Wait, you recognize this guy?” Sheldon looked between the two, confused.

“Yeah, he was the leader of the firearm tribe at the infinite IKEA.” Marcus turned back to Shotgun. “So, they made you the leader of this place too?”

Shotgun shrugged. “We all held a vote between the tribe leaders, and I somehow managed to win. The other former leaders decided to volunteer as my advisors.”

“Dude, that’s great! We’ve actually come here on a peace visit.”

“What he means is...” Craig clarified, “...we’ve come here in the hopes of establishing peaceful relations between our communities.”

“Good to hear. We figured it was only a matter of time before we became public knowledge in your world.”

Kat realized, “Hey, have any of you noticed anything weird or anomalous around this area?”

“I dunno. Does a pond made of blood count as anomalous?”

“Oh, what? No, no, that’s not-of course that’s anomalous! That sounds very anomalous!”

“I’ll call Dr. King and ask him about it.” Marcus pulled out his communicator.

“Oh hell, what did you kids do this time?”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence. Anyway, the leader of the human settlement just told us there’ve been sightings of a pond made of blood. Any info on that one?”

“Oh, that’s SCP-354. I’d advise not going near it. Sometimes, it spits out random monsters. Also, it might lead into another dimension.”

Marcus rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. “Oh, oh of course, that makes too much sense. We can’t just have a pond that happens to be made of blood. No, of course it’s also a two-way portal to a monster dimension. Okay, we’ll deal with it somehow.” He hung up the communicator. “Change of plan, guys. I’m thinking we should check out that blood pond.”

“Agreed. If it is a portal, then no doubt its inhabitants will pose a threat to this settlement at some point.” Craig continued, “Callie, Marie, Sheldon, you three help me with the peace visit. Lauren, Marcus, Katherine, you three go investigate the pond.”

Lauren protested, “Wait a sec, why do we have to go to the dangerous blood pool?”

“Because you three have plenty of fighting experience, the four of us are more mature for this visit, and you’ve got experience in alternate dimensions.” Sheldon answered.

“Oh, right.”

Marcus turned to his friends. “Come on, girls. Let’s just get this over with. Shotgun, where are we looking?”

“Right over that way.” Shotgun pointed across the area.

“Thanks.” While the other four went off with Shotgun, the three youngest agents started going through the makeshift town. Aside from some odd looks and the occasional thanks from people who recognized them from the infinite IKEA, the walk went much more normally than they’d expected.

After slightly less than an hour, the three found themselves in a clearing in the forest. There, they saw a moderate-sized, irregularly-shaped body of water made of a viscous red liquid. “Man. Either someone spilled a lot of juice, or we just found what we’re looking for.” Marcus leaned down, sticking his finger in the pond and bringing it to his mouth.

“Oh, gross, dude! Are you actually going to taste that stuff?” Lauren yelled.

“What, can you blame a guy for being curious?”

“In this case, yes. Very much.”

Marcus shrugged. “Mih.” He put the blood-soaked finger in his mouth. “Huh. actually not half-bad.”

“Great, now my friend’s a vampire.” Katherine lamented, “Actually, considering the past few weeks...”

While Marcus was leaning over to get another sample, he saw something rippling in the middle of the pond. “Game faces, girls!”

A few seconds later, a creature launched out of the pond. It landed on the banks of the pond next to them. The thing was small, almost resembling a hybrid of a frog and turtle. Lauren looked down at it, as though she was disappointed. “That’s it?”

“It’s kinda cute. Can we keep it?” Katherine started petting the creature.

“No way. I don’t trust anything that pops out of a pond made of blood.” Marcus refuted.

While Kat was trying to hold the animal, it started shifting and changing. It turned into an almost liquid state, falling out of her hands and growing. “Kat, what did I tell you about feeding animals from another dimension?” Marcus yelled.

“Nothing! And I didn’t feed it anything!”

The organism had started to solidify. By the time it finished, a duplicate of Katherine was staring at the trio with glowing red eyes. Compared to the original, its skin was even paler. From a far enough distance, it could’ve easily passed for the real octoling. “That’s not true. You fed me your DNA. Now you’ll feed me your flesh.” It lunged at them in an attempt to bite Katherine’s jugular.

Lauren pounced on the duplicate, pulling it off of her friend. “More genetic information. Delicious.” The shapeshifter altered itself slightly until it became a pale, red-eyed doppelganger of Lauren. “I can only hope the rest of your species is as appetizing as you.”

Marcus punched it in the face, yelling, “Sorry, buddy! Kitchen’s closed!” The creature turned into a double of him.

“I get it. You’re turning into us by analyzing our DNA when we touch you, right?” Katherine realized.

“Very smart.” The shapeshifter clapped sarcastically. It jumped and tried to kick Marcus in the face. He dodged to the side, only for his copy to roundhouse kick him in the stomach, knocking him down to the ground.

Lauren grabbed and tossed a 3-foot stick from the ground. Before it could strike the creature’s head, it shrunk back down into its initial form. “Gotcha!” Marcus kicked the animal before it could change again, launching it a few feet into the air. After it fell on the ground, it turned back into Lauren.

The pseudo-Lauren ra n at the group, dodging their attempts to attack it. The thing started punching the true Lauren, before pivoting on one foot to jump sideways and kick her in the face. The impact knocked out several teeth, and spilled yellow ink-blood from her nostrils. Lauren collapsed to the ground, holding her bleeding nose.

Katherine grabbed the creature’s arms from behind to kick it in the back. While it lay on the ground, Marcus stomped on its back to hold it down. “Now! We need to kill this thing!”

Lauren stood up. “On it!” She shot the creature in the head with her splattershot, killing it. “Victory is ours, forevermore.” Her voice was still distorted by her nasal injury, and she was still wiping her ink-blood off on her sleeve with her free hand. “What? Trust me, I’m fine.”

“Right…” Marcus looked over at the blood pool. “What do you suppose we do with this thing?”

“Beats me. We can’t just leave it like this. Who knows what might pop out next? The longer this thing stays here, the more we risk something being released that we can’t handle.” Katherine replied, “I think I speak for all of us when I say the last thing we need is another giant monster like the one that came out of the mirror.” She taped a leaf to Lauren’s nose as a makeshift bandage. “On the bright side, I’m a medical genius. Or at least, enough to hopefully last until we can get you to an actual first aid kit.”

“Thanks, Kat.” Lauren stood up. “We need to find some way to drain that pool.” She dialed her communicator. “Dr. Gears?”

“Hello. Pardon, Lauren, but why does your voice sound different?”

“Ah don’t worry, I just got my nose kicked by a shapeshifter. And then I killed it. Anyway, we’re looking for ideas on how to take care of a monster-spewing pool made of blood.”

Dr. Gears apparently thought for a few short moments. “I’m not sure, but at the Foundation, we have sentries set up to monitor its activity. My apologies that I can’t be of any more assistance.”

Lauren pinched her forehead. “Okay, we’ll investigate the blood pond, and then we’ll call you back later.” She hung up the communicator, kneeling down next to the pond.

Despite staring right at it, the blood was much too viscous to make anything out beneath the surface. “Maybe we could convince the humans to move their settlement somewhere else. We could even try and get volunteers from Inkopolis to help. If something really bad comes out, we could just take care of it on a case-by-case basis.”

Marcus considered their options. “Maybe. I don’t like the idea of just leaving this glorified monster factory here. C’mon, let’s get back and tell Shotgun and the others what we found.”

Before they could leave, the pond rippled far more intensely than the last time. “Oh, hell. What is it this time?” Marcus pulled out his splatling, ready to shoot whatever came through. The pond erupted in a fountain of blood, staining the three agents bright red.

The monster that emerged almost resembled a massive worm, about twenty feet in length. Its circular mouth, lined with 5-foot razor-sharp teeth, opened into a hellish screech. Dozens of tentacles surrounded it, emerging directly from the pond as though a significant portion of the beast remained submerged.

“Is this what you were talking about, Kat?” Marcus asked.

“Yeah, that-that’ll do it. Come on, let’s kill this thing!”

“Hey, wait, maybe we don’t have to. If it’s stuck in the pool, it might not be a threat. Maybe it could even clog up the-” Lauren was interrupted by one of the tentacles stretching out far longer than it looked capable of, shattering several trees. The agents barely dodged being ripped to pieces. “I stand corrected.”

Marcus started firing directly into the organism’s mouth. It didn’t react in the slightest. “Okay, maybe a splat bomb.” He tossed a pyramidal device towards the creature’s mouth, only for it to catch it in its tentacle and shatter the bomb without effort. “Well, I’m out of ideas. You two, any plans?”

“Nope! Just this!” Kat started running at the beast, dodging its tentacles until she jumped on one to use as a bridge over the pond. She’d underestimated how slippery a monstrous tentacle covered in blood would be, thus screaming as she tried in vain to grab onto it, before she inevitably fell into the mass of blood.

“Katherine! What do we do now?!”

Marcus thought for a moment before answering, “The stupidest thing we can.” He grabbed Lauren’s arm, dragging her past the monster’s tentacles and diving into the portal.

Katherine, Marcus, and Lauren found themselves abruptly reversing direction, accelerating until they surfaced in an expanse of red sand. They spent a few seconds crawling out, while Lauren glared daggers at Katherine. “What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Lauren, I’m sor-”

“You could’ve gotten killed, you idiot! You could’ve gotten us killed! We had to leave without telling anyone! Who knows what could happen while we’re gone?”

“Hey, I did what I thought-”

“Save it! That monster is still alive, and you’ve been useless this whole time!”

Katherine’s jaw dropped. “Useless? How have I been useless?”

“Oh, well, let me count the ways! You forgot where the base was so you were late when we were trying to discuss the lizard monster, you got infected by a zombie, you spent a week gallivanting with an art terrorist while I was being mind-controlled to do who-knows-what by the Chaos Insurgency, and you did nothing to help us find Sinning Jessie!”

Katherine stammered for a moment. “Gallivanting? I thought I was helping you guys! it’s not my fault he lied to me! Besides, I saved you from the old man, and I fixed your nose after you got it kicked by that shapeshifter despite the fact that we left with absolutely no actual medical equipment!”

“Well, whoop-de-doo, it’d be better if you hadn’t been the one to give it your DNA in the first place! Marcus, back me up here! Wait, Marcus?”

The two girls looked over to Marcus, who was kneeling in the sand drawing something. He stood up, brandishing some kind of card covered in red sand. “Oh, I’m sorry. Clearly, you two are busy fighting like a couple of toddlers, so I thought I’d make us a Way out of here.” He pointed at the ground, where he’d drawn a series of familiar runes.

“What is this?” Lauren asked.

“It’s a Wanderer's Library card. Jack gave it to me after Sloth’s Pit. Why do you think I was the one who dragged you in here after Kat, or didn’t have a panic attack from getting stuck in another wasteland dimension? It’s because this time, I have a plan. Now I’ve just got to open the Way.”

After rereading the back of the card, Marcus stated, “Magna bibliotheca ad centrum omnium, aperta tibi ad me!” The Way flickered open, fluctuating in size. “Best hurry!” He jumped into the portal.

“Come on, you freeloader!” Lauren grabbed Katherine’s arm, dragging her through the portal a second before it closed.

“Mark, can you please explain to me why that Way almost cut our legs off?”

“Sorry, Kat. That was only my first Way. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, we’re okay. Guess we’re just three typical, average kids lost in a library at the center of the multiverse.”

“Lost? Please.” Marcus placed his hand on his hip. “My friends from the Serpent’s Hand and I journeyed all over this place while they were helping me look for you last month. Together, the five of us shattered the moon-stone sword of lunaris over the head of a wyvern, perused the bloodstained pages of the Necrotic Grimoire, and encountered a dimension where they had a word rhyming with both orange and purple. That last one was weird.”

Lauren crossed her arms in frustration. “Alright then, Mr. Expert. How do we get out of here?”

“I’m honestly not sure. Jack was our guide, but it’s not like I got his number. Still, we should be able to find a Way home eventually.”

“You’re saying we should just wander around aimlessly until we find our dimension? I thought you said you had a plan!” Lauren pointed at him accusingly.

Marcus held up his hands defensively. “Hey, I never said it was a good plan. I didn’t exactly have time to think of one after Katherine jumped into that blood portal.”

“Oh, so we’re back on this again? Listen, I’m sorry. It was impulsive of me, and I haven’t been on my A-game since this whole thing started. I’ll try to be better, but right now, we have to work together if we want to get out of here.”

“You’re right about that, at least.” Lauren confirmed, “We can save the fighting for when we’ve got the other agents to talk sense into us. Right now, let’s get started.”

Chapter Text

“Why’d you call us all, Gears? Was there another call?” Marina asked.

“Of a sort. I was just recently contacted by Craig. He informed me that his group lost contact with agents 3, 4, and 8 a few hours ago.”

“Oh no. You mean the ones who were asking about the blood pond?”

“Hold up. You sent my friends out to investigate a blood pond?!” Pearl yelled, glaring as if ready to commit murder with her bare hands.

Dr. King held up his hand defensively. “No, of course I wouldn’t do that. I specifically told them not to go there.”

“Those three will do anything to protect civilians, even at their own risk.” Marina pointed out. “If they heard about something dangerous, they definitely would’ve-” She was interrupted by the phone starting to ring.

“Perfect timing.” Clef growled, stalking over to pick up the phone. “Hello, what’s your-” His eyes grew wide with shock. “I-I see. Yes, of course we’ll be right there.” He slowly hung up the phone. “There’s a little girl performing magic in the middle of the city.”

Marina smiled. “Oh, that sounds adorable! What’s got you so spooked, Clef?”

“Maybe he’s the father. Whaddaya say, Clef? You secretly a dad?” Pearl grinned at the scientist.

“What?! No, of course not!”

“Why don’t you tell us, then?” Kondraki was looking at Clef with something between joy and rage.

“SCP-239 is none of their con-”

“Oh really? So it’s none of their concern how you tried to murder a kid? How you practically tore apart site-17 trying to kill an 8-year old girl?”

“You what?!” Pearl jumped up, trying to strangle Dr. Clef. “We trusted you! We left you alone with Marcus last week, and now we find out you’re some kind of kid-killer?!” She glared at the other Foundation employees, eyes blazing with anger. “How many of you were in on it? How many of you took his side? Any other earth-shattering secrets we should know about?”

“Pearl, let him go.”

“What are you saying, Marina? You’d better not be taking the child-murderer’s side.”

“No! No, of course not! I’m just saying, killing him won’t fix anything.”

“Yeah, I know. Any of you guys taking his side on this?”

“Of course not. I was the first to fight Alto when he tried that stunt.”

Dr. Clef scoffed, “Oh come on, Konnie. You know as well as I do that 239 was a threat.”

“No, she wasn’t! And you know it! There were procedures in place to prevent 239 from misusing her powers, and you willfully ignored those procedures.” Dr. King refuted.

“Really?” Dr. Clef narrowed his eyes. “Am I the only one who sees sense here?”

“Looks like it.” Pearl noted, glancing around to observe everyone else in the group glaring at Dr. Clef.

“Well then. I guess I’m out.” Clef activated the portal device. Before walking out of the dimension, he snapped, “Hope you guys learn for yourselves who’s really right here.”

The hole in the universe deactivated a few seconds later, leaving Marina to pick up the device. “I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it. Now we’ve gotta find that kid before something happens to her.” Pearl started off towards the base exit.

“Wait.” Dr. King warned, “I should let you know that SCP-239 is capable of subconsciously making whatever she believes come to pass. In other words, if she thinks something is true, it’ll become true.”

“Thanks, but that doesn’t matter.” Pearl insisted, “She’s just a kid. Magic or not, anomaly or not, she’s gotta be scared.”

“Pearlie’s right.” Marina agreed, “We’ll keep it in mind, but we’ll treat her like a kid first and foremost.”

“Alright, Marina, we’ve just gotta find a human child in a city full of inklings and octolings.”

“Right. I’m keeping my eyes open.” While Marina was alone, scanning the central district of Inkopolis, she heard a high-pitched voice yelling from somewhere a short distance away.

“I cast magic missile!”

Marina barely had time to dodge a bolt of white-hot plasma rocketing toward her. The intense heat brought a brief, scalding pain to her skin, before reducing the car behind her to a flaming wreck. “What-who threw that?”

A little girl appeared out of the alleyway. “I did, evil witch.”

Marina stood upright. “Hey, wait a second. I’m not an evil-”

“Silence, dark sorceress of the shadow realm! You can’t trick me! The great music magician DJ Octavio told me all about you! He even gave me a picture, and told me of your mastery of the dark arts! He sent me to slay you and save this world so I may return to my own!”

“Wait, wait, wait, Octavio put you up to this? You can’t trust him! He’s evil!”

“Octavio told me you’d try to trick me with your silver tongue! I see right through you! I cast magic missile!” Another beam of plasma rocketed out of the girl’s outstretched palm, much too fast to dodge.

Marina uselessly held her hands out in front of herself. Before the magic missile could strike her, a pitch-black barrier appeared to dispel the blast. “Huh. that’s new.”

“A-hah!” SCP-239 pointed at Marina. “Proof of your dark sorcery! You really are a wicked witch!”

“You’re really starting to get on my nerves, kid.” Before the girl could say anything else, Marina found herself surrounded in purple smoke. By the time it dissipated, she’d been relocated to the top of a building, where she briefly stumbled in surprise. “Woah, okay, I teleported. I teleported!” She hastily set up a six-way call on her communicator. “Guys, I found the kid at 541 crab street! Octavio convinced her I’m evil, and I think I somehow have magic powers. It must have something to do with her perception.”

“If that’s the case, you might start turning evil soon. Just stay there and avoid her as much as possible.” Dr. King instructed.

The girl reappeared, floating just above the building. “Yeah, that might be tough. I’m gonna need backup.”

“Foolish evil sorceress! You can’t escape me, coward! Now face me and accept your fate!” SCP-239 cast another magic missile, forcing Marina to jump off the building and start floating in midair herself.

“Please, stop this, 239! I don’t want to hurt you! Octavio’s just using you! Yesterday, he tried to destroy the city!”

SCP-239 stopped, her eyes widening with shock. “Wait. How do you know what the wizard teachers called me?” She slowly floated back down onto the roof of the building.

Marina followed suit. She could feel a dark cloud dispelling itself from her subconscious, that she hadn’t noticed until it was gone. “I, uh, I’m working with some of the…” She cleared her throat, “The wizard teachers.”

The girl looked at the octoling suspiciously. “Prove it.”

Marina’s communicator started beeping. “Hold on a sec. I’m getting contact from the other wizards. Hello?”

Dr. King’s voice came out of Marina’s communicator. “We’re at the address. Where are you two?”

“Sorry, sir. We’re coming down now.” Marina looked back at SCP-239. “The other wizards are down on the street. They want us to come down.”

“Okay. But you better not be lying.” The little girl disappeared, bringing Marina with her. The two reappeared on the ground, facing the four scientists and Pearl. “Over council wizard Gears! Swordsman Kondraki!” The girl ran over to hug Gears.

Dr. Gears patted SCP-239 on the head, with a subtle smile on his face. “Greetings, Sigurrós. I trust you have managed to avoid involving yourself with too much trouble during your stay in this dimension?”

“Sigurrós?” Marina knelt down next to the girl. “Is that your real name?”

“Sure is!” Sigurrós looked up at the scientists with wide eyes. “Is it true that she isn’t evil?”

Dr. Kondraki answered, “Yeah, she’s working with us. Whoever told you she was evil was lying to you.”

“Wait, so you’re a good witch?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t blast me.” Sigurrós looked down, eyes watering in fright.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Marina gently pressed her palm onto Sigurrós’s cheek. “I’m not gonna blast you.”

“You can trust her, kiddo.” Pearl confirmed, “Marina’s one of the nicest mages I know.”

“So Mr. Octavio really was lying to me?”

“Clearly.” Dr. Bright confirmed.

“Of course Octavio would be behind this?” Pearl glared as if she was ready to murder someone. “First he steals the great zapfish, then he brainwashes Callie, then he teleports a murderous demigod into a turf war stadium, and now he tricks a kid into trying to kill my best friend? That’s it. I’m killing him.”

“Hey, wait, let’s not be rash here.” Marina tried to hold her partner back. “I get that you’re upset, but there might be a better solution than going off on your own after the most dangerous octarian in the world.”

“Like what?”

“We should wait until the others get back. We’ll need help to take him down, especially if he’s got access to SCPs somehow.”

“How long will that take, though? I called Sheldon while we were searching, and he said they were leading the humans to war against a giant tentacle monster that came out of the blood pool. Not to mention, the kids are still stuck in some other dimension for all we know. We’ve been constantly splitting up ever since this whole mess started, so what’s one more? You guys can come with me if you want, but there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“You should listen to your friend. Even I know this is too risky.” Bright said.

Pearl looked down, fists clenched. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should- Gotcha! Epiphanies are for suckers!” She ran in the direction of the city border.

“I got this.” Dr. King tossed a portal device, allowing Pearl to accidentally run through it just before it closed. “There. Now she’s back in the base.” He teleported after her.

“I hate tonight.” Marina activated her own transporter.

Drs. Gears, Kondraki, and Bright all stayed behind with the little girl. “Sigurrós, I have the means to return you home. I want you to step into the mystical portal I’m going to open, but I’ll have to stay here for a few more months. Do you understand?”

“Of course, over council wizard Gears.”

“Good.” Dr. Gears activated the portal. “I promise, they’ll take good care of you at the magic academy.”

“I know. Thank you, over council wizard Gears.” Sigurrós walked through the portal into site-17.

Dr. Kondraki wiped his brow on his sleeve. “Glad that’s over with. Let’s hope those three haven’t killed each other yet.” The three activated their transporters.

Six individuals stood in the headquarters of the New Squidbeak Splatoon. “Hey kid, you still want to go on your own?” Kondraki asked.

“Nope! The captain just called, and they’re coming back from a successful peace visit.”

Marina raised her eyebrows slightly. “Does that mean the other three are back now?”

“Well, no, but apparently some guys from a group called the Serpent’s Hand are coming with them. They said they know the kids, and they’ve got knowledge of dimension-jumping.”

“The Serpent’s Hand are normally opposed to the foundation, but I suppose they’re our best bet this time.” Dr. King added.

“If they can help us find the kids, then that’s good enough for me. Let’s just hope for the best.” Marina decided.

Chapter Text

“So, Marcus. Is there any particular reason we have to wander around here?” Lauren asked.

“Simple. According to what Jack told me a couple weeks ago, Ways are like doorways between dimensions that can only be opened by skilled thaumaturgists, mostly people in the Serpent’s Hand. Ways are usually stuck in fixed locations, invisible to the naked eye, but some really skilled Wayfarers-that’s people who use Ways a lot-can open temporary ones anywhere like what Jack did when David first attacked us. Sometimes, less skilled Wayfarers can use things like the Wanderer’s Library card to open Ways that only last a little while. Make sense?”

Lauren stared at Marcus, trying to process the information. “Uh, yeah. That makes all of the sense.”

“Speak for yourself.” Katherine interjected, “By the way, what do you guys think happened with David?”

Before anyone could answer her, they heard a psychotic laugh. “Speak of the devil, and I shall appear!” David jumped down from the top of a bookshelf behind them. He brandished a pistol covered in runes.

“Snake dude!” Lauren yelled.

“What are you doing here?” Marcus asked.

“How are you not a corpse?” Katherine inquired.

“Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, you insult me. Did you really not think I could escape the Serpent’s Hand while they were distracted? Ever since then, I’ve been roaming the Wanderer’s Library in the hopes you would return and rejoin Are We Cool Yet?. With your artistic skill, combined with my magic, we can finally break the masquerade.”

“Hang out with you in alleyways making murderous paintings? Hard pass.” Katherine snarled, “By the way, what’s with the gun? Where’d you get that?”

“Oh, this little thing?” David twirled the pistol in his hand. “I bought it from MC&D a few weeks before you joined me. It cost me my own house, but it was worth it for the superior firepower!” He abruptly fired a thaumaturgic blast at the three teenagers.

They dove to the ground, leaving the shot to explode behind them and set part of a bookshelf on fire. “Okay Kat, you want to be useful to the team? Draw the runes, say the spell, and open the Way.” Lauren snatched the Wanderer’s Library card out of Marcus’s hand, and shoved it into Katherine’s.

“Right. I won’t let you down this time.” Katherine tightened her grip on the card.

“You’d better.” Lauren and Marcus ran at David, simultaneously punching him in the face. He stumbled back, firing at the inklings again. They each dodged to one side, getting knocked back down by the blast.

Marcus tried to get up, only for David to step on his back, pointing the gun at his head. “I win.” He half-whispered.

Marcus grinned. “Sure about that, Davey?” He turned into his squid form, causing David to lose his balance.

Lauren took the opening to jump on David’s back, knocking him to the ground.

Katherine’s voice called from the other side of the bookshelf, “Guys, it’s ready! Hurry up!”

Hastily, Lauren got off of David to follow Marcus around the corner, where Katherine was struggling to concentrate on maintaining a Way. “No seriously, hurry up! I can’t keep this up much longer.”

“Good work, Kat!” Marcus congratulated her. All three of them leapt through the Way. David caught up just as the Way closed, and the Wanderer’s Library card fell to the floor.

“Alright. Good work team.” Katherine smiled, despite how tired she was.

“Good work? Kat, that was great!” Lauren hugged the octoling. “I can’t believe how I’ve been treating you.” She looked down at the floor.

Katherine hesitated, before returning the hug. “It’s fine. The stress must be getting to you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but that’s no excuse for treating you like garbage. You made a mistake, and I’ve been verbally abusing you for hours. I feel terrible.”

“In that case, I forgive you.”

Marcus knelt down next to the two girls. “Hey, it’s great that you two are friends again. If you’re done making out, can we address the fact that we’re back in a Foundation site?” He gestured around them.

As Lauren and Katherine looked around, they recognized the familiar metal walls bearing the SCP Foundation logo. “Oh no. No no no no no no no no.” Lauren started panicking, frantically looking for a way out. “I am not getting my mouth burnt again!”

They heard a tinny, robotic voice cackling. “There is no escape! So say I, the dreaded Princess Priscilla Pie!”

While the three agents tried to find the source of the threat, David jumped out of a Way behind them, holding the torn halves of the Wanderer’s Library card. “Did you three children honestly think you could escape me?”

Katherine glared at him. “Can’t blame a girl for trying. Hey, wait a-” She felt around in her pockets. “Ah, squit! The card!”

David tossed the card pieces on the ground. “What is that thing?” He pointed behind the teenagers at a 3-foot metal robot, with a poor balance and what resembled a permanent smile on its upside down voltmeter face. “Tremble before my infinite might, mortals! For I am Deathkill the Destructinator, the instrument of your destruction!”

“Hey look, something therapeutic.” Katherine smirked. “Ready, team?”

“ Ready! ” Marcus and Lauren sprinted over to the robot, while Katherine engaged David.

The teenager shifted into her octopus form to dodge a blast of thaumaturgic energy, leaving a harmless mark on the nearby wall. She turned back into a humanoid and kicked the gun out of David’s hand. She tried to punch David, only for him to hold her fist and start squeezing it. “I’ve got a spare.” She snarled, using her other fist to sock David in the gut. While he was holding his stomach, Kat slapped him across the face.

David groaned in pain. “How can something so cute be so painful?”

“A year of being a secret agent might have something to do with it. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that you’re just a pretentious fop with no real combat experience who hides behind his weapons.”

“Ya really think so, Kathy?” David jumped at Katherine. She turned into an octopus, allowing the human to knock himself face-first on the floor.

Katherine stood up. “One more thing.” She slammed the sole of her shoe into David’s back. “Never call me ‘cute’ again, you disgusting old creep.”

While David looked up, with a small gash on his forehead, Marcus and Lauren were staring down the little robot after it’ d fallen to the floor. “How dare you? Hoist me up so that I, Castratinator, may bring death upon you!”

“You really need to work on your negotiation tactics, my guy.” Lauren shook her head pitifully.

“This guy isn’t exactly what I expect from an evil robot.” Marcus picked up the robot. “Hey, little buddy, what’s your name?”

“Unhand me, mortal! I, the glor ious Pesterbot, will not stand for this humiliation!”

David ran away. While opening a Way to jump through, he shouted, “This is not over, squids!”

“Great. Now what do we do?” Marcus wondered aloud. “I never memorized the card!”

Lauren blanched. “So now that it’s destroyed…”

“Yeah. We’ve got no way out of this universe.”

“I’m so sorry. I-I can’t believe I dropped the card. How could I-” Katherine started breaking down.

Lauren tried to reassure her, “Hey, Kat, listen to me. You opened the Way and got David off our backs. Dropping the card was an honest mistake, just like what happened back at the blood pool.”

Katherine shook her head. “No, you were right the first time. I’m-”

“An agent. That’s what you are. More importantly, you’re my best friend. I’m sure if we find a way out of this facility, we can figure out some other way back to our universe.”

“Not a bad plan, but how do we get out in the first place?” Marcus’s question was answered by footfalls rapidly approaching them, echoing within the hall.

A human ran towards them, with bright red burn scars covering the left half of his face, being pursued by a 10-foot-tall humanoid made entirely out of a soft, red substance. The clay man picked up the scientist, tossing him towards the teenagers and Pesterbot. He got up, muttering to himself, “What was I thinking, putting 705 through 914 on very fine? Holy hell, I’m drunk.”

“Dude, what are you talking about? What was that thing?” Lauren demnded.

The man answered her, “That’s SCP-705, the militaristic play doh. I decided it’d be fun to stick it into the transformation machine on the highest setting, but, well-” He was interrupted by SCP-705 running through the next room over, until it escaped the facility.

Marcus, Lauren, Katherine, and the human left Pesterbot struggling on the floor in favor of investigating the room the clay giant had decimated. Inside, there was a man in a black cloak wearing what appeared to be a stark white mask with a long, sharp beak. “SCP-049, the plague doctor. How are ya, buddy?”

“Oh for the love of... Are you drunk again, doctor Cimmerian?” The masked man held his head in what could only be described as disappointment.

“Shut it, plaguey. I’m not-” The man was briefly interrupted by his own very drunk-sounding hiccup. “I’m not drunk. Hey, where’s your kid?” Cimmerian looked around the room.

“Wait, this dude has a kid?”

Katherine’s answer came in the form of a half-sized version of the plague doctor charging at her bearing a rather large and pointy stick. “I am the cure!”

“Wait wha-” The smaller copy jumped up, whacking her on the face with the stick. “Ow! Dude! Ow. Ow. Ow.” The plague doctor ran over, trying to pull its offspring off the octoling. “Ugh. Thanks, man.” Katherine got up, rubbing a small blunt-force welt on her forehead.

“I apologize for my son’s behavior. I’ve been trying to teach him to be a proper doctor-”

“Let me go daddy! I wanna cure her! I am most effective!”

“-to varying degrees of success.” The doctor finished, holding his still-struggling son.

“Well now, what really matters is...” Cimmerian trailed off. “Huh. What was it again?”

“Uh, hello? Giant clay dude? Tore through the wall? Ring any bells?” Marcus pointed to the gap in SCP-049’s cell.

Dr. Cimmerian snapped his fingers. “Oh, right, that. Well the thing about that is-”

The scientist was again interrupted by a deafening, “Cack!”

The bird call was followed by another voice shouting, “Get back here, you damn bird!” A corncrake flew into the cell, landing on 049’s shoulder.

Marcus recognized the bird and immediately started backing up. “No, not you again. Get that bird the hell away from me before my ears start bleeding again!” Not paying attention to where he was going, Marcus tripped over the Pesterbot, windmilling his arms and falling on his back next to it.

“I see you have fallen in fear of I, Prime Minister Sinister. Perhaps if you grovel at my feet, I will make your death swift and painless as I rip your soul from your flesh.”

“Not in the mood right now, dude.” Marcus got back to his feet, just in time to witness another Foundation scientist pursuing the bird.

“Spanko, get back here or I swear- Oh, for the love of… Cimmerian, what did you do this time?”

Dr. Cimmerian sighed, “You crash the foundation servers for a week by sending too many emails at once one time and suddenly you’ve got a reputation. What makes you think I did this?”

The other man crossed his arms and tapped his foot. “Did you?”

“Yes.”

The newcomer sighed, “Okay, now one more thing. Mind explaining to me why there’s three kids here with Pesterbot, Spanko, the plague doctors, and a massive hole in the wall?”

“Oh, that’s a very funny story. The hole came from someone who wasn’t me putting 705 through 914-”

“Because of course you did.” The other scientist put his head in his hands. “Now what’s the deal with...” He gestured towards the three teenagers. “With all this?”

Marcus stepped forward. “It’s really simple, sir. We’re actually from another dimension. We were contained in one of your sites a while ago, but you must not have got the memo before we escaped. If you can just help us leave this universe and get back home, I promise this’ll all go back to normal.”