Archive of Our Own ^beta

Neither Suna nor Kaya give it a second thought until the moment İfakat opens her mouth, putting in words something neither of them was willing to confront.

the attraction that they feel for each other

Suna's initial reaction is disbelief, because she wears the scars of a lifetime of silence and solitude, always being treated as an afterthought, a quiet, withdrawn girl whose opinion does not matter, and never will.

and her dreams were always fractured to the point where she actively suppressed them, because useless hope can be worse than resignation

Kaya looks at İfakat, knows that whatever game she plays, can't be in his interest, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to go along with it, if it will get him one step to the revenge that seems to be the only way in which he can calm the storm that rages inside of him. Also, if İfakat thinks she can play him, she better think again.

and somewhere deep down inside, even if he is unwilling to admit it, he does have a bit of a soft spot for the beautiful girl who is not afraid to criticise him, and is not afraid to apologise to him either

Can he be her rescue? Suna wonders, when the aftershock has passed, and İfakat's words have started to settle in a bit. Or is this just another door that opens to a wall?

and what other option does she have, except submitting to endless humiliation, to the point that she will be nothing but a broken shell?

Is it worth it? Kaya asks himself. Sacrificing his freedom just to wildly bet on an outcome that might not even be in his favour at the end?

but was he ever really free? and would it be so bad to take this risk?

Suna thinks and thinks.

She believed she had found a shelter before, through a love that was at one point the only source of joy in her miserable life, a love that is still unfinished, drowning in bitterness and more pain than she thought she would be able to handle. She's here, still standing in spite of everything, locking down her pain and pretending, in order not to collapse.

But she doesn't know how long she is going to last like this. What word will destroy her completely. What pain will finally be too much.

Part of her still doubts that Kaya is affected in any significant way by her. The spare, the girl who always gets ignored. How could this ever happen?

It's not possible.

And yet...

what if it is what if it is what if it is what if it is

What exactly did she do to him to be dragged into this twisted game of revenge? Kaya muses.

And of course, the answer is nothing. Nothing at all.

She bears no responsibility for the rage that boils inside him, threatening to spill over and destroy everything in its path. She has no fault for the dark shadows that loom around him, for the insecurities that he would never acknowledge out loud, for the fear that he will always be left behind, that he will never be good enough.

He does not know her that well, but he did pay attention to her a bit, he noticed some things. She's living her own special kind of hell - what use is it to add his own on top of that?

It would be bad.

And yet...

maybe not that bad maybe not that bad maybe not that bad maybe not that bad

In spite of herself (don't dream, Suna, don't you dare), her heart flutters when he compares her to a water spirit.

he doesn't know that she cannot fly because they cut off her wings until there was barely anything left anymore

He does try to keep his distance. Says he won't come to her sister's celebration because he does not want to cause any more tension, but she insists.

she doesn't know that something in him warms up when hearing her words, because he sees himself reflected in her eyes, and it's almost like he's a human being, and it's almost like he matters

She can't go to his room, she can't, she won't. She already risked more than she could possibly imagine by leaving the mansion with no permission to go with him at the market, she can't take one single step further.

But İfakat insists that she should, because he got in a fight and got wounded because of her, so she gives in. And really, a part of her might have been on board with it all along.

She should be afraid. She saw his anger, the way it exploded almost unprovoked. She should be, but...

but this is her choice, hers and no one else's, and it might result in heaven or hell, but it's the first time when she feels she might be in control of something, when she feels she's more than a simple pawn

He thought she would be scared of him, but she's not. Quite the contrary, she surprises him by knocking at his door and offering to apply some cream to the wound he got when fighting with those guys in the market.

It goes against everything he knew, or he thought he knew, about her upbringing, about who she is as a person. She either likes him that much... or she is just that desperate.

Neither option is good, and he should put a stop to everything before it's too late.

it's hard when she is so close he can smell her perfume, the sweetness of her breath when she blows over his eyebrow, where they hit him, and if only someone could heal all of his wounds like that

He tells her they should stop. He tells her it's too soon. He tells her she's not sure of her feelings.

She freezes, mortification taking over her entire being. Of course she interpreted all of it incorrectly. She bet on an illusion and lost again. And she knows she will never be able to look properly into his eyes again, and tells him as much.

Oh, and it's so familiar to him, the way tears suffocate her voice, the effort she makes to keep her head high, to not crumble. He knows it. He lived it.

He only tried to be kind, the way he knew how to be, at least, but his kindness hurt her.

She's brave, the way she tries to stop crying, the way she tells him nothing happened, like she's trying to convince herself.

this is another nightmare and then she will wake up and she will lock everything down and she will survive because she has to

He stands still, looking at her, understanding in his eyes.

he knows, he sees her now

With measured steps, he approaches her, the decision taken before he can even be properly aware of it. She could step back, get out, but she does not. Brave girl.

There's nothing tender in the way he grabs her face, but his fingers wiping her tears feel gentle on her skin. She closes her eyes, breathes in, breathes out, and reaches out to him, touching his cheek with her hand, his own hand immediately moving to cover hers. Like he's not allowing her to let go.

Like they are the only remaining living beings in the entire world.

Then he kisses her.

he tastes like hope and dreams and desire and everything she never dared to wish

she tastes like salt and desperation and want and everything he never knew he needed

it turns to hell two seconds later

but when all is said and done and after all the tears and commotion, there are no regrets to speak of