Archive of Our Own ^beta

Most people can say they’ve been lonely. Maybe after a breakup, someone doesn’t know what to do with themselves after their other half left. Or young adults after they’ve left home for the last time and don’t know how to cope without their parents by their sides. Kids without friends swinging on the swingset, watching the other kids play. That loneliness gets better. That loneliness can go away.

The lonely is as much a part of Pearl as her very soul. It will never go away.

The feeling fades sometimes.

When she causes chaos, people stepping back. Soulmates shielding each other from her. Scott shielding Cleo from her. They reacted with fear, and that’s a reaction. It means they were doing something together. It means she wasn’t alone.

When she hurts Scott, and she can hear the anger in his voice, echoing in the wind. Echoing in the stars. It’s loud and clear, and Pearl doesn’t feel like she’s alone. He’s angry, which is a reaction. She isn’t alone.

When she heard Tilly’s bark, calling her out of her sadness. Tilly loved her. Tilly was her friend, her soulbound, her everything.

Tilly died.

Loneliness is her soulbound. Loneliness doesn’t leave her, loneliness doesn’t hate her. Loneliness is there in her darkest moments, in her times of need. It’s familiar. Pearl isn’t sure when it became comforting. She wouldn’t call it comforting. It’s grounding. It keeps her sane.

So most people can call themselves lonely, but they haven’t felt their heart start to tear apart their stomach when they’re trying to eat. They haven’t felt what it’s like to scream and cry without sound and without tears because there’s people around, but they might as well not be because they don’t care. They don’t pretend to. Would they care if Pearl tore out her heart and stomped into the dirt? Probably. They would care that Scott had gotten hurt.

Scott is no angel, despite how much he pretends to be. He lies and hurts people just as much as Pearl did. If she’s the monster, he’s the one that made her. Would an angel make a monster? Maybe. Maybe to protect the innocent, the wicked may die. Maybe Scott is an angel. Does it truly matter? No. Not anymore.

It’s hard to care for anything anymore.

There’s nobody around for it to matter to, not for Pearl. If you scream in a forest, and there’s nobody around, do you even make a sound? Yes. Nobody hears it though, so it doesn’t matter. Not to Pearl. Not to anybody else. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t happen.

She’s tried so hard to be someone that people can like. She’s done everything she possibly could. That doesn’t matter. Not to Scott. Not to anyone. It matters to Pearl, which means it’s going to be broken. All of her attempts were shot down because they mattered to her. That’s how this always goes. That’s how it always will.

Rain pours down from the sky, and Pearl stands in it, relishing in the cold, cold water falling down her skin. Scott must love this more than the snow, but she can’t imagine it feels very good. She knows he can feel the water pouring down his skin just as much as she can. Pearl loves it. He doesn’t.

Pearl can feel his anger bubbling through his veins. Scott has long since been cut off from her emotions, but she can feel his as much as her own. He doesn’t feel her loneliness. She feels his anger. In a way, it feels good. Pearl knows what sh’s doing wrong. That’s everything. It’s easy to know.

They say that when it’s raining, it’s because an angels crying.

They must have lied.

There’s only one person crying right now.

Pearl is certainly no angel.