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Chapter Text

“And you want me to write it?.”

Edward crossed his arms and shook his head. The man who appeared to be in his late thirties looked tired from the lack of sleep and exertion. Saving the family business after his father's involvement in the scandals became clear was difficult.

Stocks were losing value and customers and investors were withdrawing faster than the wind.

Edward wasn't like his father, he didn't even show interest in taking the position the first time Remus met him years ago when he started working here. But the situation was critical and his father's failing health did not help.

"I don't understand. Wouldn't the company get into more trouble if we tried to publish a book about it when thinking about how we got the copyright?.”

Edward sighed, heading towards his laptop, opening it, looking for something to turn to Remus so he could read the email he received two days ago. With every line Remus read, his eyebrows rose more and more,

"How do you know that she was the one who sent this?."

“I contacted her law firm. They confirmed to me that it was indeed her.”

This made Remus even more surprised. Not more than two years have passed since everything happened. Since the end of the trial, no one has been able to remain silent about what happened because of the impact of everything that appeared in the trial.

The collapse of many companies was the end of the careers of many famous names. The trial of Regulus Black against his parents has been the talk of the whole world since the shocking news appeared, especially with the court sessions being broadcast to the whole world for more than five months until the ruling was announced in favor of Regulus Black, which sent his parents to prison for more than twenty years.

Remus recalled following the trial like a cult. Hearing about the life of Regulus Black since the day he was born was like watching a series written and directed by a director who had not seen the sun for years.

The actor began his career at the age of seven with a catalog full of successful films by directors with a reputation for their craftsmanship. Heir to the House of Black Empire after his older brother gave up all his rights. Everyone always talked about how Regulus Black was the epitome of a dream life.

The blue-blooded prince, the young man with a thousand masks. Shattering the imagination of millions about one of the country's most beloved national treasures was like bearing witness to a new flood. Remus remembered the number of people glued to their phones watching the trial even as they walked down the street, and he was just like them.

Seeing Regulus sit so stoically while his lawyers explained all the horrific things he had been through as if he were watching a boring play always made Remus feel strange.

His answers to his father's lawyers' contemptuous questions, which mocked him with a lot of words between the lines calling him an addict and a lunatic. Even his interactions with the press crowding outside the court made him want to talk even for a minute with him.

Perhaps in another world, writing a book about the life of Regulus Black would have been a wonderful experience. Talking to one of the most influential faces of the industry, someone whose mind was clearly like an endless maze, someone who knew that his answers would make you think for days. In another world, perhaps.

Because in this one, on the same day, the trial ended that ruled in his favor and gave him freedom and his life again. Regulus returned to his apartment in West Hollywood and killed himself.

“What are you doing?”

Lily asked as she entered their shared apartment, turning on her heels at the door.

Remus was relaxing on the couch in front of the screen that was showing a movie. He sighed and placed his empty coffee cup on the wooden table.

Lily threw herself next to him, watching the movie with him.

“Every time I see his face, I feel suffocated.”

Lily commented as Regulus appeared on the screen.

"Edward wants me to write a book about him.”

Lily furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Remus in confusion,

"Didn't his company collapse for the same reason?.”

“You mean his dad being there while a father drugged his minor son and forced him to sign a contract that gave all his rights if he ever wanted to write a memoir? Yeah.”

“Then why is he still going through it?.”

“Because Regulus Black's lawyer contacted him and told him to do it.”

“His lawyer? The famous lawyer from the trial? Dorcas Meadowes?.”

“The one and only.”

"Remus, this is great! This is the opportunity you've been waiting for!."

Lily's happy features as she wrapped her arms around him in a hug made him feel bad. The heaviness had not left his chest since the moment Edward informed him of this in the morning.

“Lily, I'm declining the offer.”

“What? Why!.”

“Because it is inhumane!”

His loud voice shocked Lily. Remus sighed as he hid his face with his palms, the sound of the movie being the only thing audible around.

“He was only twenty-four. The first thing he did after the judge ruled in his favor and granted him his freedom was to kill himself.”

Researching Regulus's life, the interviews, the films, and the most important scenes from the trial made Remus feel great guilt. Because if he accepts this offer, his name will be a drop in the ocean of people who exploit him for their interests. A new name, his name.

"It hasn't even been two years. Just imagined myself meeting people close to him to ask them about his life. Recording them makes me want to punch myself. How would you feel if I did what he did and a stranger idiot came months later asking you about me for his benefit?.”

"What's the first thing you want to do the day after tomorrow?"

It was the only interview he agreed to do, and with Remus' research, he learned that his brother, who had chosen the interview specifically, was behind the cameras ready to intervene at any moment.

Regulus cocked his head to the side, his eyes watching the ceiling, his lower lip between his teeth.

"I don't think what I want to do will be affected by the jury's decision.”

The interviewer adjusted her body, curiosity occupying her eyes, as she looked at the camera for a few seconds and then at Regulus again.

“Don’t you think the court will rule in your favor?”

"My opinion is unimportant. I lost faith in the system years ago. This whole trial was just a debt I had to pay to a friend. A court ruling in my favor won't change anything. But it will be a golden star on my lawyers' resumes. It will make the last five years of my parents' lives comfortable in a luxurious prison with ugly uniforms which will be an entertaining addition.”

Regulus's sarcastic smile widened when he looked at something behind the camera, which Remus assumed was his brother, who smiled at his comment.

Remus did not move from in front of the TV. Lily returned to his side after changing out of her work clothes and making something for them to eat. They both didn't speak, and Lily didn't try to convince him again. They just watched the movie while eating in silence.

Remus didn't allow himself to think about it. Not when he fell asleep, woke up, got ready for work, or visited the usual café, ignoring the smiles of the workers who contained a hidden message and clear interest. Not when he knocked on Edward's office door.

But what he encountered was not Edward's tired face, his messy hair and clothes, which indicated that he had not gone home. But a woman watching the view from the window, her pistachio-coloured suit, dark skin, sharp features, and braids.

It didn't take Remus another glance to know who she was, the famous lawyer who had shocked everyone with her first trial and who had paved a successful path for her career.

Dorcas Meadowes noticed him from the moment he opened the door. Her palms were hidden in the pockets of her dress pants, which matched the color of her jacket. Shoulders straight and head held high. Everything about her confirmed the extent of her confidence in her presence, and her sharp eyes watched him as if she could read his soul and all his thoughts from a glance.

"Mr. Lupin. I've been waiting for you."

Remus walked in, closing the door behind him. He wasn't planning on losing their staring contest.

"I assure you that your coming was a waste of your time, Mrs. Meadows. I was coming to inform Edward of my rejection of your offer.”

She smiled, shaking her head. Her eyes left him to fall to the ground as she took her steps towards him, her heels hitting the ground echoing with each step.

“Can I ask why?”

She asked while sitting on one of the two chairs in front of Edward's desk, pointing with her hand to the other chair as an invitation to him. Remus sat down, pushing the small table between them with his knee to make room for his long legs, placing his bag on the floor next to his chair. Dorcas watched his movements, one thigh over the other, waiting for his response.

“I don't plan to base my success on someone else's.”

Dorcas nodded, her hands gathering on her knees, showing the many rings on her fingers, and a clear tattoo on the back of her palm, of a star constellation.

"Not every writer succeeds in writing someone else's story. Many autobiographies have been published in the last few years, and ninety percent of them are garbage. Celebrities don't write their books, Mr. Lupin. They just tell the story to someone who will.”

"We both know that the way I tell it won't matter. People will buy just looking for new details. It won't be a legacy."

Dorcas smiled, her eyes wandering to the table in the middle.

“I chose you specially, Mr. Lupin. I read all your works, even essays from your university days, and all your opinions on any social networking sites. Let’s say I expected this response from you, so I came to meet you specially.”

Silence occupied the place, Dorcas returned her eyes to him as if deciding whether he deserved what she was going to say or not. The answer was clear.

“Many people were shocked that I was the main attorney. I had passed the bar exam two months before. Giving a case of this importance and public nature to a novice lawyer was a waste of money and time for many people, even the judge, and the other party thought the same thing…”

Remus remembered these comments from everyone, all the news bulletins that talked about the trial, no one knew why Regulus Black had chosen her as his lawyer, and that a landslide victory awaited his parents with their elite team of lawyers.

“I chose my major for him. Many saw me as a beginner with no experience. But every lesson and every exam I took in law school was preparation for this case. It was almost an obsession, I thought about every outcome, every possibility, everything.“

She effortlessly demonstrated her prowess with every court session. Nothing the Blacks' lawyers did surprised her, angered them, or made her lose her way.

Just thinking about the fact that she had chosen her major and the job that she would continue to do for many years just to free him from the hands of his family added new poison to the cup in Remus's chest.

“I still don't understand why you want me specifically.”

“I do not want the world to remember Regulus as a poor young man who only tasted suffering to the point that he thought the most appropriate solution was his departure from the world. He was more than that. I was very fortunate to witness and know this firsthand. If I have the opportunity to show even a tenth of what I saw to the world, I will take it.”

"And you think I'm the most suitable choice to help you?"

“I want someone who sees him as a human being with feelings, thoughts, and dreams. To respect him and not butcher his memory. You check all my boxes.”

Remus didn't answer. It seemed as if he entered an imaginary maze with his thoughts and got lost in it.

“If you had the chance to choose another life, would you take it?” The interviewer asked. It seemed like a ridiculous one, a waste of the number of questions she was allowed to ask, a question they had not agreed on before. But her curiosity was evident.

“Maybe saying that I wish to be a person without lineage would sound like a denial of grace. But I don’t see myself as someone who won’t settle for less.”

“So your answer is yes?”

Regulus leaned his back against the chair, his eyes falling on the same point behind the camera. He seemed to be studying something with the reaction of the person he was watching and then smiled. It was not one of his famous smiles full of charm, but a rare one, its feelings occupying even his eyes, which were filled with tenderness and softness.

"No. I think I'm lucky in terms of my identity. And the people around me. To be honest, I don't like the possibility that if I live another life, I might not be the same person I am now."

Dorcas waited impatiently. Remus seemed to be in a completely different world as he knocked his knuckles. She got up from her position and went to where she had put her bag, taking out two things and returning to her chair, placing them on the table between them, which brought Remus's attention back.

"My business card. I wrote down my phone number as well. And…”

Her eyes landed on the second object. The black leather journal looked full. A thin rope wrapped tightly around it.

"One of Reggie's diaries. The last one. I hope you read even a page before informing me of your decision.”

Remus did not move from his place even after Dorcas left, his eyes never leaving the notebook. Noticing the details drawn on the cover. The three letters were in the corner, but he didn't dare to open them and browse through them.

Remus knew the purpose of the diary. His own was inside his bag, similarly full. The idea of someone opening it and reading even a single line terrified him. It seemed as if he was interfering with the sanctity of someone who trusted that no one would read these pages except him.

Fear was also present in a dark corner. Entering the mind of a person who had to relive everything he experienced. With the understanding that millions will know as well. Remus didn't think he was psychologically strong for this.

“Remus? All right?.”

Edward's appearance caught Remus' attention. Edward closed the door behind him as he entered the office, heading towards his seat behind the desk. Remus took the diary into his hands.

“If I wrote this book, would it help you?”

Edward sighed, wiping his face with his palm.

"I don't want to influence your decision. Just know that I will understand if you refuse."

Remus nodded, licking his lower lip as he got up to grab the business card as well.

"Give me twenty-four hours."

Edward did not object as he watched Remus, who left his office, telling him not to pressure himself. Remus went about his work day, as usual, with some interviews. Giving notes to writers who sent the first copies of their new books to him. At five o'clock he left work.

His after-work routine was similar to his morning routine, the only difference being that he stopped at the supermarket to buy groceries with the list he made with Lily. The place was almost empty, Remus pushed the cart and looked around. Putting everything they need in the cart and crossing it off the list on his phone.

He tried not to pay attention to the journal in his bag when he returned his phone after he finished shopping. To push the cart towards the payment area that was next to the magazines and newspapers.

He browsed some newspapers while waiting his turn. Magazines did not usually attract his attention, despite their bright colors, but seeing a semi-familiar face attracted his attention to take a magazine in his hand.

A person would not have noticed the similarity between them except with concentration. Long, dark hair reached his shoulders highlighting his pale features, and his light eyes almost blended into the whites of his eyes. A cigarette between his lips, he looks at the camera while raising his middle finger, which the magazine has hidden.

Sirius Black's name always came up every time Remus searched for any article related to Regulus. The brothers were close even when Sirius left the family as a teenager and began his music career. Their encounters at parties and on the red carpet always made journalists go crazy for a photo.

Sirius Black, who was by his brother's side from the first day of the trial until the last day, postponed his tour, which was going to happen in the same year. And Regulus' attempts to keep attention away from Sirius, and not mentioning any details to his lawyer regarding Sirius and his life before he departed from home, caused a lot of attention to focus on their relationship.

Curiosity overwhelmed Remus, who sat in the driver's seat of his car in the parking lot. He took out his phone again and looked for Sirius Black this time. The singer had finished his world tour several weeks ago, returning to America. Lots of photos taken by the paparazzi occupied the screen. They all shared the intense look the musician gave to whoever was taking the pictures.

The headlines talked about various topics, his relationships, his work, and his being chosen as Man of the Year by GQ. Seeing him on the cover was no different from the photos taken of him on the streets. He was not someone who would wear anything simple, even if he was only going to appear in public for five minutes.

One headline caught his attention.

The fall between Sirius Black and James Potter after the tragic events.

The article did not contain any important information other than the close friendship between the two singers.

About their constant appearances together, with many attached photos of the duo, about them not communicating with each other for many months, which was a very strange thing. No public appearances, no moments at award ceremonies where they are present, no photos published on social media, or attendance at each other’s concerts.

The article did not mention Regulus, which seemed ridiculous due to the title, but turned out to be written for attention. Which was talked about in the comments that criticized the publisher.

There were so many loose endings. Remus was exhausted from overthinking with every new character that appeared. He felt like he was a detective looking into a cold case. This was indeed like that as he wrote their names on the whiteboard in his room, which he usually used to plan his books. Lily watched him from the open door silently, clearly concerned.

“You're acting like a celebrity freak.”

Her comment made him realize that this was indeed the case as he looked between the board and his open computer.

“Feel like it too.”

“Rem, I don't think you should accept the offer either.”

“I Shouldn't.”

“Final answer?.”

“Still have seven hours.”

Lily shook her head as she placed the cup of coffee on his work table and then left, closing the door. Being alone finally prompted him to take the journal from his bag and open the rope wrapped around it. While he sat on his bed, leaning his back against the wall.

The first page was simple and contained his name, signature, start date for the journal, and no end date.

The next page contained something similar to a playlist. Next to it was a full reading list. He didn't recognize many authors on that list.

Several pages were character studies for films he was planning to act in. Other pages in French and Arabic-Persian? Remus didn't know the difference between them so he had to take his phone from his bedside table to find out.

Now I leave you with wounded hope
I may rest from sorrow, I may rest
How long have I lived, my friend, dreaming of light?
And I saw my dreams vanish into space
So I killed this love deep inside me
And I forgot the pain of longing after you
They became days filled with magic
To become poetry in the visions of lovers.

Remus watched the translation on his phone for long minutes. Maybe he would have liked the poem. If he did not know the end of its reader.

It seemed as if his mind was trying to connect everything written with its writer's end. This made him think. How can he write something that commemorates a person in people's eyes without thinking about the end if he couldn't do it in the first place?

"Remus? Honey, did something happen?"

His mother's sleepy voice over the phone made him realize how late it was. But just hearing her voice made him feel comfortable and silenced his mind for a few seconds.

“No. I wanted to ask you something.”

He listened to the movements on the other side. He could easily imagine her getting up from her bed and heading towards the chair placed next to the balcony door to sit on it and watch the outside.

“Ask.”

“What do you remember about Dad? I mean, what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear his name, for example?.”

"Hmm. Him sitting in the back garden, taking care of the plants."

“Is there any particular reason?”

"No. It just was a rare moment of the day where he seemed peaceful.”

"The memory that comes to my mind about him is that day. I have no other memories."

Remus listened to his mother's silence. The sound of her breathing confirmed that she felt sad just mentioning the matter, which made him feel bad.

"I wish I could give you my memories of your father. I know he loved you very much from day one. And I know if he were with us today he would be very proud of you.”

Of what?. Being an average adult?

“Thanks, Mom. Sorry to bother you."

"Remus, come home soon?. We can talk more.”

“I will. Love you.”

“I Love you too.”

Remus threw the phone to the side and went back to the journal. Browse pages without focusing until he reaches the last used page.

The funny thing is that nothing comes to my mind in these last moments. No specific memories, no feelings attacking my heart. How did I suddenly succeed in silencing my mind after trying for years? Why is the taste of peace so tasteless?

Then nothing. It was the last line.

Chapter Text

''Sirius, love, can you open the door? I'll explain everything. You misunderstood.''

The knocking against the bathroom door continued, and Sirius could see a shadow of two feet from under the door.

he leaned his head against the wall, the floor cold against the back of his thighs spread comfortably in front of him. He raised his head when he heard the movement of the door handle again. He then heard a sigh mixed with annoyance.

Footsteps entered the room, then a female voice,

''I think I'll go.''

Hesitation took over her tone making Sirius smile sarcastically as he looked back at his lap. Alex's voice, quickly tried to dismiss the girl, making him close his eyes and take a deep breath while scratching his scalp.

''This is rock bottom even for you Sirius.''

His mind could imagine the ghost chasing him for many months standing above his head, eyes devoid of any shine, pupils that almost disappeared due to their small size in the middle of a gray storm, and pale skin without any lively colors. He was sometimes frightened by the clarity of the voice and its resemblance.

''and with a girl? Oh, that's shameful.''

''Sirius, stop being so disgustingly spoiled and open the damn door. I'm fucking sick of your dramatic tantrums.''

The force of the blow against the door did not startle him. But he was shocked that it didn't start sooner.

' 'You remember how he used to fight you over your sensitivity after I died? Sirius, is this the straw that broke the camel's back? or will it continue?''

''I don't know why you're having such a big reaction. It's not like we're in a relationship I can do whatever I want!''

"But he almost broke your wrist when a photographer you worked with hugged you for a few seconds as a hello."

"Sirius!"

"At least the album will be good."

Sirius smiled. A laugh escapes from his chest as he opens his eyes. It took him several seconds to gather the strength in his legs so that he could stand up and face the mirror. Controlling his anger took some time.

"Sirius open the fucking door!"

His hand went towards the door handle to open the lock, and the door immediately opened with force. His eyes met Axel's widened eyes. It seemed as if he did not expect to be able to enter for long hours.

"Sirius."

His tone was softer, taking Sirius into a hug and making him sigh comfortably, closing his eyes and accepting whatever this was.

"Eternal fear wins again? Does being alone really scare you this much?"

And suddenly Sirius is eleven again. He watches his mother, who sees pictures of her husband in tabloids out with a new woman every week, then throws it in the trash and begins preparing for his return.

He looked more and more like her as the days passed. He forgot the specific day he looked in the mirror and saw her instead of his reflection, like the devil chasing him from the depths of hell to remind him of his origin and his destiny.

When he parted his eyelids and looked at their reflection in the mirror, he saw his parents living the same scene in front of his eyes. His brother's reflection is in the background, watching him with disappointment evident in his white features.

Perhaps Sirius knew that he was defeated from the beginning, from the first time he looked at someone with different feelings growing in his chest in the same second.

Because love was the thing he craved most. Like a thirsty sailor in the middle of the sea.

The words have no meaning. When you face situations that you talked about theoretically and defend yourself that you will not accept something like this to happen to you, perhaps your reaction will shock even you at the time. A person can only sometimes stand behind his words. 

It was in his blood, something that was passed down to him along with every other curse of those who shared his name.  

Sirius was the biggest liar and deceiver to ever exist.

Sirius gently pushed Axel off of him, his eyes glued to his hands still against his chest. 

“This is the first and last time. Right?”  

The silence that met him coincided with the feeling of Axel's heart beating rapidly against his palm.  

"Right?."  

He repeated the word, looking up at Axel's face, who looked shocked and uncomprehending.

“Yeah. First and last.” 

“Good. Now I'm gonna shower. Can you order us something to eat? And…” 

Sirius moved his hands away from Axel, taking a deep breath, evident fatigue was visible from the sluggishness of his shoulders while he wiped his face with his palms. 

“Change the sheets.”

Sirius, twenty years old, stood outside his dormitory door, clearly bored. The empty hallway was a normal sight at this hour of the day because of lectures. It was a time that Sirius tested out for a whole month to make sure that no one would enter or leave the residence.  

He tried not to pay attention to what was happening inside his dorm or hear any sounds to give those inside privacy.

Sneaking his little brother into the place has become more difficult, especially after he gained double fame due to his latest movie, which made everyone recognize him easily. The mere thought that someone might see him and post it online made Sirius tense as he looked intently at both sides of the hallway and then sighed, leaning his back against the wall.

A voice from his right made his eyes widen as he straightened up, quickly following the sound to see someone coming out of one of the rooms at the end of the hall, which made him furrow his eyebrows, his heart beating hard at the thought that Regulus might come out at any moment for the stranger to see.  

"Who the fuck are you? This is Ben and Larry's room.”

The young man looked at him over his shoulder with brown eyes full of confusion, wearing one of the straps of his backpack while ruffling his hair.

"Sorry?."  

“I asked you who you are and why are you here?”

The man turned his body to face Sirius with raised eyebrows, watching him from head to toe. 

“Why should I tell you?”  

The stranger closed the door behind him with ease while leaning over it, sending Sirius a provocative smile.

Sirius’ eye twitched, and the guy laughed.

“Relax, pretty boy. Ben forgot his laptop and wanted me to take it to him.” 

The man looked ready to leave, but the door that opened from the opposite side caught his attention. As for Sirius, he wanted to scream as he looked over his shoulder to see James, who turned pale at the sight of an extra person, immediately closing the door behind him.

"Sirius. Everything okay?"  

James, whose grip was still tight around the doorknob asked. His brown eyes did not leave the stranger among them, adjusting his stance and raising his shoulders to hold him taller, as if trying to make the other fear him.

Sirius returned his gaze to the boy standing in front of him who had done the same, focusing on his features, his stance, and his arms crossed against his chest, 

"Yes, everything is fine."  

Sirius muttered as he took a few steps back, putting both hands in the pockets of the hoodie he was wearing, and turned back to where James was without giving an extra glance behind him.

Sirius's eyes did not leave his phone screen, listening to the music coming from his headphones as he sat outside after his music theory lecture.

A text from his brother caught his attention so he clicked on the notification to see the link sent by Regulus. It was a performance by a Lebanese band he recognized. 

His Arabic was not as good as his brother's, who began learning the language seriously several years ago. But he could understand the words easily if it was in the Lebanese dialect. He closed his eyes and focused on the song. Resting his head against the wall.

Don't leave me like this, 

searching for you.

At the bottom of each empty glass, 

between the beds of others

Imagining your face, 

calling your name

As if it is tattooed on my lips with poison

Written by a demon with deadly ink

There is no cure for the disappointment of emptiness

Sirius smiled with a sigh, Regulus' attempts to get him interested in Arabic music was warming him. Although his attempts had been successful for a long time, to the point that there were many songs in his playlists, he had not yet admitted this to his brother because he liked Regulus' effort to find songs that he might like.

Baby stay, and the evening will become more beautiful.

We will drink the moon and its light will quench you.

I will pick up the stars for you and put them on a crown

I will build us a sanctuary behind the clouds.

Abd if you're leaving take my heart and soul with you

leaving me with nothing but bitterness.

He opened his eyes intending to send a reply to his brother, but seeing someone above his head nearly stopped his heart, causing his entire body to shake and his phone to fall from his hands into his lap.

“Fucking fuck!.” 

He took out his headphones and placed his hand on his chest, taking a deep breath that made the witness to his fear attack laugh.

“The fuck are you laughing at!?”  

Sirius got up from his place, taking his bag and phone, which he put inside the bag with his headphones so that he could see who was in front of him.

The man's smile widened as he took his time observing Sirius, who raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest.  

“Like what you see?”  

"A lot.”

Sirius's eyes widened and his lips parted with clear shock on his features. His heart went from almost exploding due to fear to other feelings that he did not like, even for a second.

"Look, Ben's friend."  

"Axel."  

“Ben's friend. I don’t appreciate the looks and laughs your damned friends and you throw at me every time you see me. But sneaking around like this without me realizing is much worse!.” 

"If you weren't trying to burst your eardrums, you would have seen that I came quite normally."  

“Naturally, a person who wears headphones sends a clear message to others that they do not want to be disturbed.”  

"Now where's the fun in that?”

“Apologies, but I forgot the day I agreed to be a toy whose main goal was to entertain you.” 

“But you're pretty as a doll.” 

Here it is. The moment that took his breath away. Axel approached him slowly, giving him time to move away, to refuse, but Sirius did not want to. Curiosity overwhelmed him and Axel's fingertips that touched his elbows were warm against his skin and traveling to his shoulders so slowly that it almost killed him.

It wasn't a special kiss, maybe it wasn't even the best kiss he'd ever had. Especially since it was in the hallway in front of his music theory class and his professor could leave at any moment. But something inside him snapped and he surrendered to the feeling.

“He kissed you just like that?.”

“Yeah.”

“And you…let him?.” 

James didn't seem satisfied with the story Sirius told him upon his return to the dormitory.  

"Siri...don't you think this is inappropriate?"  

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, putting down his phone, 

"Why wouldn't it be appropriate?"  

“Maybe because he kissed you during your first normal conversation after weeks of watching you? Without your permission? When you were literally scolding him.”

“Isn't that a normal thing to do?.” 

“If you were dating. But even then not everyone likes it.” 

Sirius didn't respond, turning his attention back to his phone, lying on his bed with his back to James. He knew James was right but he needed this. He needed him in a way he couldn't explain.

Even the smell of clean sheets did not soothe his mind as usual as he lay on his side, watching the pale wall. Axel was still awake watching something on his phone, the audio was clear but Sirius didn't care.

The imaginary point on the wall increased the pain in his throat and the burning in his eyes from the tears, but he did nothing. It was more like he froze. Something inside him was broken forever because the last thing resembling good was shattered in front of him without mercy.

He buried his face in the pillow, pulling the covers around him. The sound stopped for a few seconds and movement behind him was clear. “Sirius?” no answer.  

The hand that landed on his shoulder made him realize their trembling. It was a green signal for the tears to start flowing.  

"Sirius. Look at me." Axel grabbed his shoulder, trying to get him to move away from his pillow, to show him his face.

He wanted his brother, needed him more than anything right now, his real brother, not the broken fantasy that haunted him and spit his ugliest thoughts at him without empathy.

But the ugly feeling and realization that Reggie was no longer there hit him hard.

That there is no way, no energy, and no chance to see him again, that he will not be able to complain to him about what happened today, that he will not be able to hug him until he forgets everything until he is convinced that perhaps it is not the worst thing that happened and that they will laugh about this after many years.

"Sirius."  

Sirius hid his eyes with his hands, silencing himself. He did not want to let out his sobs to Axel, who succeeded in making him lie on his back.

“What did I do wrong?”

His voice was hoarse, trembling.

“Nothing!” 

Nothing.

Sirius wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands and then opened them. He took several breaths to calm himself.

“Then why?.” 

“I don't know. It just…happened.” 

“Just…happened?.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” 

It took Sirius several moments to collect his thoughts, breathe, wipe away his tears, shake off Axel's hands that were still touching him, and stand up.

“Where are you going?.”

“Fucking away from you.” 

Sirius changed his clothes in the bathroom and tied up his hair as well. His reflection in the mirror was pathetic with red eyes and traces of tears covering his cheeks, but he didn't really care as he left the bathroom to get his things, ignoring Axel who tried to stop him.  

"Do not touch me!."  

He pushed Axel's hand, which tried to stop him in front of the door, 

"Where are you going!? It's two AM!"  

“And you miraculously care about my safety!? I'd rather get fucking killed than stay here for another second!.” 

When he left the apartment and went to the elevator, he realized that leaving now would be really dangerous and might affect his reputation, especially if he was photographed in this state. His eyes landed on the stairs sign and he left the wait for the elevator and headed towards the door, pushing it to meet the empty stairs.

He sat on one of the stairs, leaning his back against the wall and sighing, his heart still beating because of everything that had happened. He took out his phone wrapped in wired headphones that had been fighting for its life for a while. He put them on, opening his phone so he could browse his playlists. Seeing the new release under Pandora's name made him pause for a few seconds as he saw the cover and title.

It was a picture of her and Regulus… She made a song about him.  

His fingertips pressed the song without thinking and the opening notes began.

He opened the lyrics so he could see them when he heard Pandora's familiar voice. Many memories of their singing and making music together attacked his mind. She was a gifted woman with a wonderful voice and the most beautiful personality.

The same ghost is back. He took slow steps to sit facing Sirius, but this time Sirius did not feel a sense of dread as he looked up at the illusion, but rather smiled at the same moment he felt a familiar burning sensation under his eyelids.

“She made a song about you.”  

The ghost smiled back, a familiar one.  

"At least one of you is making the best of it."  

Even the ghost was unusually kind in his response, representing his brother correctly from hundreds of memories.

"I don't think I can do that."  

whispered Sirius, who bowed his head.

"Why? Because I don't deserve one?”

“No. Because a twenty-minute song instead of four will ruin my career.”

Laughter. Just like his brother's laugh.

“And…If I do it…everything will be real. I-I don't want that.” 

“Sirius, you've got to stop.” 

“No.”

“I'm not here. I'm not coming back.” 

“Please stop.” 

“Denying it won't help.” 

“I can't.”

“You can't live like this.” 

“I don't want to fucking live!.”

“...”

“Y-you…you're selfish and heartless. Because you thought I could do this. Because you chose this so easily, knowing that I am terrified of the idea. Because you were sure that I wouldn't even try to follow you.” 

“...”

Sirius closed his eyes tightly, the lump in his throat painful, his breathing quickening.

"Why can't I do it? I'm the brave one. How can you do something I don't dare to do?”

“I don't want you to.” 

“I didn't want you to take my fucking brother from me but that didn't stop you.”

The lack of a response even after several seconds made Sirius open his eyes to be met with emptiness, just ugly stairs. 

He was alone, again.

Chapter Text

The sunny weather hurt his eyes, and the approach of summer was clear, which made Remus feel disgusted just thinking about the temperatures as he sat on the several steps in front of his mother's door, waiting for her.

The door was open. He could hear her movements nearby as she changed her shoes. He could easily imagine what she was doing, standing in front of the mirror hanging next to the door so that she could put the light black shawl on her head and wrap it around her neck loosely once. The same thing she does every year on this day. Remus himself was covered in black as well, although it was a color he didn't much prefer but it was a tradition they both had followed for years.

Every year since the age of eight, after his father died of a heart attack. Seeing his mother, who was trying to follow customs and traditions that she did not know much about, made him feel respect for her since childhood.

The story of his parents was sad because, after all the struggle and suffering to be able to choose each other, they were only able to live in this happiness for ten years. His mother lived and lived twice as long without his father as she did with him.

“I talked with Mr. Amir, do you remember him? He said that he would solve the problem of Qurban and that he knew families who would appreciate it. I also donated to some associations in your father’s name.”

His mother told him as she went out to lock the door and wrapped her hand around his arm. The black dress was simple and reached her knees, her brown hair was visible from under the shawl, and a beautiful smile was on her lips as they slowly walked towards the car.

“Is there anything you want me to do?” Remus asked as he opened the door to help his mother get in.

“Taking time off from work to come with me is enough, dear.”

Hope smiled as she cupped his face with her hands, the same smile on her lips as she kissed his forehead. He smiled too.

Remus tried to make the most of these days because he knew that he would have to travel and meet a lot of people after a while due to his acceptance of the book offer.

Edward began clearing his work schedule, giving his clients to his colleagues. Which made it easier for him to take today off for the anniversary of his father’s death.

"Summer is approaching. Your father loved summer very much. He would not enter the house until the evening if he didn't have to. Your grandfather was like him. They both spent their time tending to the garden. Your grandfather always said that this reminded him of home.”

Since their call, his mother has begun her new habit of talking about his father every chance she gets. He knew she felt guilty for not doing this in the first place, but he didn't blame her.

There were many memories of his mother after his father's death. Her eyes, which would sometimes focus on a simple object such as a chair in the living room or a spot on the kitchen ceiling, would wander to it for a few seconds, and then her eyes would soften and fill with tears that she would hide every time after realizing that he was there as well.

Memories of the gardener telling her that the olive trees would not survive, which was strange because the weather was suitable for the trees that had been standing for decades. She sat in front of those trees for hours, watching them, as if searching for a reason why.

Remus, who decided to join her after a while, sitting next to her on the grass, sees her watching the trees, her hands playing with the fabric of her shirt, her head tilted to the side.

"The same thing happened when your grandfather died. I thought it was a miracle that your father was able to save them. I think they know. They are loyal to those who care for them.”

Hope sighed and then looked at him with a smile, running her fingers through his thick hair to pull him towards her, kissing his head and hugging him to her chest. Remus watched the trees with her for hours.

The cemetery was almost empty, and walking to his father's grave did not take long. Seeing the familiar stone made him feel suffocated, as every time he realized that what separated him from his father's remains was some dirt beneath the stone. Remus looked away slightly to give his mother privacy when he saw her kneeling next to the stone and touching it with her hand. He put his hands in his pants pockets as he watched the rest of the graves around them, several people were there visiting as well.

All that occupied his mind in the past days was the book he was going to write. Researching the life of Regulus in all its detail, seeing all his works, every acceptance speech, and every interview, and re-watching the trial.

The emails he exchanged with Dorcas told him that she was in the process of discussing and convincing some people to talk to him and conduct the interviews they wanted, but she did not give him a list of names so that he could search for those mentioned as well.

But this did not stop him from guessing the names, as Regulus Black's circle was known. The first was his close friend who published a song she wrote about him several months ago. He had watched her interviews as well, the rare times she talked about Regulus after his death.

“Regulus i-was…”

Pandora Lovegood furrowed her eyebrows and was distracted for a few seconds as if searching for the appropriate definition. Her blonde hair flowed around her, with her lips parting every second and closing. Then she looked at the interviewer again, smiling,

“Everything. I always felt lucky that he chose me as someone he could trust. Sometimes my mind can’t comprehend that he’s not here... sometimes I call him without thinking, confident that he will answer and listen to my usual complaints, but all I encounter is the same voice telling me that this number does not work anymore.”

The interviewer seemed affected by her words, looking towards her with a smile full of pity. Remus felt angry. All he could think about was his mother, who had gone through the same thing, along with so many people who looked at her with pity, thankful inside that what had happened to her had not happened to them.

Because he hated the looks of pity towards him in the first years after his father's death, the teachers who used to give him excessive attention with their "gentle" tones provoked him.

"Remus."

His train of thought was interrupted and his eyes fell on his mother, who seemed worried as she approached him with cautious steps.

"Yeah?.”

“Don’t you…want to say something?”

His gaze fell on the grave behind his mother, and all he wanted was to return home. But he did not want to break his mother's heart. His mother moved away this time to give him some privacy.

He looked over his shoulder at his mother, who was with her back to him, almost at a distance, watching random graves, trying to read the names. Then he looked back at his father and sighed.

He didn't say anything, his mind was blank. In addition, he did not find any benefit. To speak with a stone, which was the only evidence that a human being with that name existed at some time.

A man who wasn't brave enough to even give his son his name. He did not know when this hatred toward his father began to form inside him, but it grew very slowly over the years, to the point that it choked him every time he thought about it. He was unappreciative of grace. Because other dads did the worst to their children, his research on Regulus Black confirmed this. That Remus was ridiculous with silly hatred towards a ghost he had only known for a few years.

"It was a difficult time back then... He didn't want you to be in any danger, Remus."

It was his mother's excuse when he asked her years ago why he didn't have his father's surname but hers.

But a voice inside him always told him that the real reason was that his father was ashamed of his feelings and identity, that he did not want his son to cling to an almost impossible hope, to be woven into a history filled with sadness to the point of killing him, just as it did with his father, and his grandfather before him.

So he hid it like a corpse in a closet, clinging to his origins from his mother and completely forgetting the existence of another half. No one knew anything about his identity. He did not know much.

He did not see any logic in his mother continuing to learn the language that would no longer benefit her, continuing with customs that did not represent her, like the veil she wrapped around her head today despite her not following its religion.

He remembered the moment Lily learned of his identity. The fear that entered his heart at that moment held his breath violently against his ribcage, with a trembling hand. Then he ran away from her, ignoring her for days. He did not tell his mother this because he knew that she would feel guilty, thinking that she had failed so miserably in honoring his father's memory that his only son would be ashamed of him.

Lily found him in one of the empty classrooms after classes ended, a full week after he ran away from her to sit next to him on the floor. Her eyes did not leave her fingers that were fiddling with her shoelaces.

“Did you not tell me because... you thought I would hate you?”

Remus did not answer. His eyes did not leave the lines of the book that was in his lap, but he felt the weight of his eyelids, a burning that he knew would bring tears in a few seconds.

“Yes.”

"Remus...do you hate me because I'm Jewish?"

"What? No! That's ridiculous!”

Their eyes met for a moment. Hers was filled with similar tears with trembling lips.

“Then how can you think that I might hate you because you are Palestinian!?”

Lily sighed, tears streaming down her cheeks, turning her eyes away from him, hiding her face behind her palms.

"God. Of course, you would after my stupid parents bragged about their ridiculous trips in front of you. I-I've been thinking about that dinner the whole week.”

Lily's parents invited him to dinner years ago, when they first got to know each other. Remus didn't have any problem with it, to the point of spending a long time researching religion and customs so he could respect them and not do anything that might offend her family.

Lily didn't care much but he felt like he had to prove that he didn't hate them, that he didn't develop any bad feelings towards people because of their beliefs. And what they follow.

But his whole world froze the moment her parents mentioned their birthright trips. How they got to know each other because they both went to one at the same time.

He didn't blame them, he didn't feel any hatred towards them. But he couldn't stop thinking about the story of his grandfather that his mother told him. About losing his home, and his farms. About the death of his wife in a refugee camp in Syria because of her grief. About how his grandfather fought with all his might to be able to save his son, who was still an infant. About the rusty key that was still in his mother's house. Which belongs to a house that either was destroyed or belonged to a stranger now who only had to change the photos in the frames in a city that did not even retain its old name.

"Remus, I don't believe in that. I see it as a cruel thing that has nothing to do with what I believe in. My belief alone is not enough, and it does not add any impact to the injustice that is happening, but I do not. I would never hate you for a reason like that.”

The hug between them lasted for a long time, and they both cried.

Remus left the cemetery with his mother. The return trip was quiet. He was going to stay at his mother's house like every year. His mother will cook his father's favorite foods, they will watch old movies, his mother will brag that she understands everything without any translation, and Remus will roll his eyes when she asks why he hasn't started learning Arabic yet.

Regulus' diary was still in his possession. He decided to continue reading it until his mother prepared dinner. The list of songs caught his attention this time because of the number of songs that seemed strange to him, so he searched for them on his phone and played one at random.

His mother looked at him over her shoulder from the first second the song started with a raised eyebrow.

“When did you start listening to Fairuz?”

“You know her?”

"Oh, sweetheart. It's like you're asking me if I know Madonna.”

Remus smiled, shaking his head to return his attention to the diary before him. He did not stop the song because he noticed his mother, who began singing along with a smile.

I always see you in front of me. I miss you. I torture myself by trying to forget you, so I plant you more in soil that has become like the fields in which they grow weed. My tragedy and your tragedy is that I love you too much to hide it, and too deep for you to bury it.
- Ghassan Kanafani

His eyes did not leave the written quote, reading it over and over again. Thinking about it, the answer wasn't buried deep.

He never loved anyone like that.

Sirius was semi-conscious, the warmth surrounding him and the small sleeping body above him gave him peace as he kissed Luna's head. The little girl was sleeping deeply, holding his shirt tightly in her fist. The book they were reading was banished to the floor next to the sofa.

He felt guilty for not visiting her more often in the past months when he witnessed her reaction when Xenophiles opened the door and Luna, who watched with wide eyes from behind her father's feet, screamed excitedly, running towards him with open arms.

He immediately kneeled, taking her in a deep and long embrace. Under the eyes of Xenophiles, who smiled brightly, motioning for him to enter and close the door behind them.

She ended up sleeping comfortably with him on the couch, with a steel grip ensuring that he was not going anywhere. But he did not plan to leave, but to take advantage of every minute he was allowed with the little one.

Sleep took over him little by little and he easily surrendered to it. His dreams were more like memories long ago forgotten in a dark corner of his mind.

Regulus smiled brightly as he pulled him into the house,

“I want to introduce you to the most important person in my life.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow with an expression that was insulted, making Regulus roll his eyes, the smile not leaving his lips as he pulled him deeper into the house until he reached the living room, which was filled with people gathered around the smiling Pandora, who looked at the small bundle in her arms in awe.

"Give me my daughter!"

Regulus ordered, letting go of Sirius' hand and approaching the group.

“God-daughter, Reg.”

Evan corrected, making Regulus look at him provocatively as he carefully took the little girl from Pandora's arms.

"Can't even hide your jealousy, Ev?"

Evan rolled his eyes with a similar smile, giving his attention to his sister, and placing a pillow behind her back.

Regulus turned back to him so that he could see the little girl who was barely opening her eyes, watching Regulus with parted lips.

Sirius wanted to laugh at another victim falling in love with his brother, but it seemed as if she was the one who had him wrapped around her little finger.

"Meet Luna."

Regulus raised his eyes to his brother, who watched the little girl with amazement, a warm feeling occupying his chest,

"She is my goddaughter, and that makes you her uncle as well.”

Luna parted her lips making sounds, something resembling a smile forming on her lips.

"Wanna hold her?.”

Hesitation occupied Sirius, who watched the little girl for a few seconds, then looked behind Regulus towards Pandora, who shook her head with a smile of approval.

"Let me sit down."

He couldn't remember the last time he held a child, which added to his fear when he saw the little girl who was only a little larger than the palm of his hand.

But she was very soft, with the smell of flowers and powder, trying to keep her eyes open as if the view in front of her was unmissable, blonde locks visible under her small hat.

Regulus was sitting next to him with a wide smile as he watched her grab his finger with both of her gloved hands so she wouldn't scratch herself.

It didn't take long for Luna to fall into a deep sleep in his arms, which made him feel a little proud of himself because she slept in his presence. His brother was still beside him, leaning his head against his shoulder. The rest of his friends decided to go out to the backyard.

"Reggie. Okay?"

"Yes. happy.”

“Yeah?.”

“Yeah.”

Sirius kissed Regulus' head, seeing his brother in good condition, admitting his happiness with ease, made him happy as well.

"We've grown up."

Regulus sighed as he leaned back to rest his head against the couch.

"We did."

Sirius answered, who looked back at the sleeping Luna with a smile while covering her with her little blanket.

"You'll be a great dad."

Regulus said, watching him with a smile, Sirius raised an eyebrow and asked,

"Where did this come from?"

Regulus shrugged as he watched the ceiling,

"I've been thinking about the future a lot. It's…one of the things that never changes in those fantasies. You are always happy with someone who deserves you, and your devil-like children with their hyperactivity and pranks. I love it.”

Sirius could imagine that future easily and hope sprouted in his chest. The same hope that seemed to occupy him every day.

The hope that occupies you when you see a young child who is fascinated by everything about life without any knowledge of the bad and dark.

Because seeing Regulus and his dealings with Luna as the days passed, and her growing little by little, made him forget everything else, these were their months of peace. The happy months before the war.

They all cleared their schedules and stayed in the same house, Pandora was still recovering from her cesarean section, and taking care of Luna was like a team effort. The last to join did not arrive until two weeks later.

The sound of the bell caught everyone's attention. Regulus, who was on the floor with Barty watching Luna during her tummy time, got up, a smile occupying his lips and expanding with every step he took until he disappeared. They could all hear his steps, which quickened, and became closer to running down the hall and the door that opened after that.

The fingertips that touched his shoulder made him twitch, opening his eyes wide. He could feel Luna, who was still asleep, in his embrace, and his gaze moved to Pandora, who was standing near him. Her blonde hair, similar to her daughter's, was flowing around her. She looked as if she had just returned from an event due to her makeup and clothes, but the smile that occupied her lips was comforting.

"Hi.”

“Hi, Pan.”

Xenophiles approached, taking Luna, who opened her heavy eyes with difficulty, then her eyes fell towards Sirius, and she frowned while holding her hand towards him,

"Don't leave."

Sirius smiled as he sat up and took her hand, holding it tight.

“I'm not going anywhere.”

His sentence comforted Luna, who nodded and put her arms around her father's neck, burying her head in his shoulder. The two leaving returned Sirius's attention to Pandora, who took him in a long hug.

He couldn't remember the last time he saw Pandora, which added an amount of guilt to his chest as he gladly returned the hug to her.

"It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, Pan.”

Pandora ended the hug to sit next to him, taking his hand between hers, a smile not leaving her lips.

“You came because of Dorcas?”

Pandora asked, and Sirius nodded while running his fingers through his hair and tucking the rebellious strands behind his ear. He had not been to California for a long time except on his tour, in which he did not prefer to stay for more than two days.

But now, after the calls between him and Dorcas that lasted for long hours, she was able to convince him to leave New York and come to LA. His intention to escape from his ex-lover, who did not realize that their relationship, or whatever it was between them, was over, was a factor influencing his decision.

“Everyone is here. I can't remember the last time we were together like this. In the same city.”

It was a lie. They both knew when the last time was.

"Everyone?."

“Yes. Evan and Barty came two days ago, and Dorcas is already here. And…”

The clear hesitation in Pandora's tone informed him of the latter's identity. His eyes did not leave the floor, feeling Pandora's tight grip around his hand.

James is here.

Chapter Text

"Oh dear God, this is bad.”

Narcissa covered her mouth with her palm, her eyes not leaving the screen in front of her.

“Do we know the Identity of the gentleman? I want to send a thank you card.”

Andromeda spoke with a completely satisfied smile on her lips, also watching the video with amusement.

"took them long enough. should've done that on his first day.”

Bellatrix sipped her coffee.

Sirius didn't say a word, preferring to sit there, putting on his black sunglasses and relaxing. But he had so much fun watching the video over and over again on his way here.

Gathering the Blacks in the same room did not occur to Dorcas when she woke up this morning. Nor with her agenda, which she devoted to much more important matters. But the numerous calls and articles sent to her were also unexpected.

The leaked footage from one of the surveillance cameras in the prison that held Orion Black was the subject of news broadcasts and websites.

The video showed Orion being beaten by one of the prisoners, who didn't look like he was held back. He was then left with his blood on the ground, with a face whose features could not be distinguished and a body that did not move.

"He's brain dead.”

“So we can pull the plug right?.”

“Yes. And…”

Dorcas' eyes landed on Sirius, a certain hesitation occupying her features that made him know that he did not like what was coming.

“His lawyer will be here soon to open the will.”

And then all eyes were on him. But his own was lost in emptiness and all he could see was the pathetic old man standing in court trying to convince the jury and the entire world that his brother was a lying spoiled monster and all he wanted was to embarrass his parents because they wouldn't let him buy his cherished drugs.

He was not the first example of an adult ignoring everything he witnessed or abandoning them for the sake of a few zeros. But this one was difficult.

Seeing someone who has shown them kindness since they were young trying to ruin their lives in front of everyone made him feel suffocated every day in court, every time Mr. Campbell got up. Trying to prove to the jury and judge that everything Regulus went through was lies even though he witnessed half of it. Even though he had a son at the same age, one who was so precious to him.

They have known Ronan since childhood. He always accompanied his father on his visits to their home. Which made them some friends. With Regulus more because they were the same age, unlike Sirius, who went through a new phase every year he grew up, which sometimes made him see himself as better than hanging out with younger kids.

The last time he saw Ronan was on the day of the funeral. Sirius had not moved from his place next to the coffin since the moment he arrived. His eyes never left the same point. Many sat next to him, comforting him, but he did not listen to most of their words, nor did he acknowledge their presence.

Therefore, a new person sitting next to him did not attract his attention, but the voice that spoke did. Father and son carried the same tone, the same voice that became provocative because it had been playing in his mind for days, and months.

He moved his head to the side so that his eyes met Ronan's blue ones, the whites of which had turned red.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

But Sirius did not respond, but returned his eyes to the coffin, watching. He didn't move even when he felt Ronan's head against his shoulder. Because it was a regular song. Crying filled with remorse after choosing their best interests. Because he is still like a priest to whom sinners come after enjoying sin to cry and apologize.

Because he always had to forgive. To forget. To accept attempts to apologize over and over again.

Even the judge came that day. Most of the jury. Everyone was present even for a day in that court.

By the end of the day, no one was left. Everyone went back to their lives, forgetting. But life was on hold for Sirius from that day on. Because when he saw Mr. Campbell it seemed as if he had seen him yesterday. Not two years ago.

The same old man who sweats when he makes eye contact. He could only look at Sirius for two seconds, then open his bag while wiping the sweat from his forehead with his handkerchief to take out the file and give it to Dorcas.

The will was expected. So none of them were shocked by every line Dorcas read. Orion didn't seem to change his will after everything that had happened, so hearing Regulus' name made one's breath catch.

“The shares and properties that belong to R-”

Campbell's hesitation to say his brother's name was so funny it made him want to slam his wrinkled face against the wall.

“Goes to Sirius or Walburga?”

“I had a meeting with Mrs. Black this morning. She gave away her rights. So it will be transferred to Mr. Black.”

“Actually…”

Dorcas began speaking while she placed the paper containing Walburga's signature renouncing her rights on the table with the will, then looked back at Campbell with a provocative smile.

"That's not gonna happen."

Campbell raised his thick eyebrows, his brown eyes looking puzzled behind his thick glasses as he looked at the people sitting at the table who did not seem shocked. Especially Sirius, who put his black glasses back on and put his feet on the table, throwing his head back.

"Sorry, I don't understand.”

“what's not to understand? Relatives don't have rights unless the person in question doesn't have any partners or children.”

It took Campbell no time to understand the significance of the statement.

"It's impossible. We would have known if something like this had happened."

Dorcas did not seem satisfied with the entire conversation, disgust was evident on her features at the mere recollection of any details from the past. It was as if she had just remembered that the person standing in front of her was one of the biggest causes of her long-time friend's problems.

"I don't think you understand the seriousness of what you're implying. A stranger owns half of a centuries-old fortune. Regulus has always been a fool who believes in people easily. What proof do you have that this person, whoever she is, didn't do it for the sake of getting rich?”

The sound of a blow against the table silenced Campbell, who looked towards Sirius, who threw his glasses on the table so that he could see Campbell well with a raised eyebrow, and eyes with almost no pupils in them.

“Wanna repeat what you just said, John?”

James put the last book on the shelf and took a few steps back to look at his work with a smile. He felt proud as he placed both hands on his waist and sighed in relief. He looked around at the room, which was perfect and tidy. The sound of hasty steps approaching the door caught his attention until he saw the little girl, who stood with half her body hidden behind the door frame, looking at the place curiously, with curly hair messily scattered around her and bright blue eyes.

“You like it?”

Asked James, who knelt with his arms open in welcome, so that she could take courage and run towards him, holding both hands as she looked at the full shelves with a wide smile.

She shook her head as she moved forward to wrap her arms around his neck, her eyes not leaving the shelves.

“Use your words, starlight.”

“Yeah. I like it.”

“Good. It's all yours!.”

“Can we… get more?.”

“Of course! We can go to the bookstore tomorrow.”

James and Mia walked out of the room, heading towards the living room where Monty sat watching TV.

“Your phone was ringing.”

Monty told James as he opened his arms James approached him to give him Mia and turned to his phone with furrowed brows.

Seeing the number of missed calls from Dorcas did not worry him, but rather annoyed him as he opened the voice messages and placed his phone against his ear.

"James, I told you to attend today's meeting! We've opened the will. You'll want to know the details-"

He deleted the message and hung up his phone, throwing it on the couch. His eyes moved to the television, and he felt tired when he saw the news. He took the remote to change the channel. But it was of no use. The story was the talk of the entire country.

“Daddy.”

The small hand that held his own brought him out of his thoughts and his eyes fell on Mia, who watched him intently and then pulled him towards the other end of the room, where there was a colorful board. She points with her other hand at the colors, waiting for any movement. James smiled as he sat on the floor next to her,

"You first.”

Mia twisted her lips while observing the colors, then pointed to orange.

"Orange?." Mia shook her head,

"Are you happy?"

"Yes. You?.”

"Sad."

Mia frowned and immediately hugged him.

"No."

"Starlight, it's okay to be sad.”

“Why sad?.”

James broke the embrace so he could see her and kissed her forehead deeply, trying to tidy up her messy locks to no avail.

“I miss someone.”

"Call?." Mia made a phone with her hand and placed it against her cheek which made him smile.

"I can't. He's very, very busy.”

Mia furrowed her eyebrows in clear annoyance at the uselessness of her solutions.

“Panda and Luna busy. But calls.”

“Some people can't call starlight. They are in a very far place where there are no phones.”

“That's sad.”

“It is and that's okay.”

Helping Mia adapt has become easier compared to the first months after bringing her home.

Life became slow, but his mind was either silent or filled with mia. Perhaps his obsession with the little girl seemed to exceed the limits to the point that he did not feel comfortable without knowing where she was all the time or making sure that she was near. In the same place with him, protected. Living with his parents made it easier, they tried to give him space. To remember that he is a self and a completely separate person. That he wasn't just a father, but he did not feel the need for another job. becoming a father was the best decision for him.

Now something new was threatening his peaceful life, trying to return him to a swamp from which he was still trying to get rid of its stains.

Dorcas was trying to ruin his life. A life whose foundations only began a while ago. He was comfortable for the first time in a long time. Because after months of helplessness and darkness, a light decided to look at him. Get close to him.

Mia was sleeping deeply, her hand holding his tightly, James didn't even think about getting up but just rubbed his thumb on her hand, his other hand bearing his weight, positioned against his cheek. He was satisfied. He was satisfied with something for the first time in a long time. All he wanted was to give his little girl the best life she deserved.

“The more you run, the more it chases you.”

His eyes landed on his mother, who was at the door, holding its handle. Her withered eyes watched him, her tied hair occupied by whiteness. In a way, they were all like casts of souls that had left long ago.

"Dorcas called you?"

Their voices were low, for fear of waking Mia. Effie approached the bed to sit on the edge of it.

"You have to accept reality, James. Kids notice. You know that better than most."

His mother did not support the idea of him adopting a child. Because she was afraid of the repetition of time. Because having a depressed parent becomes an illness. Something that stays with you even after a long time.

"I'm doing everything I can."

"I know. But you have to accept it. He's not here anymore. Running away from Dorcas or the news and pretending he's on a long business trip is not the solution. Raising Mia with a dead parent and a depressed one is not the solution. She is just yours. Not his too.”

She doesn't understand. His heart told him, tried to convince him. Because he was afraid of the consequences because he was convinced that this was all just a test, at the end of which he would return either satisfied with James' actions or broken.

Because Mia was supposed to be theirs. This house was supposed to be theirs with walls filled with frames that waited for memories.

Regulus was supposed to enter the room, sit on the edge of the bed, and talk to him in a low voice while they both watched Mia.

Because the moment he meets Dorcas, he will be forced to comprehend reality.

To accept that the man he loved killed himself several months after their wedding, leaving him with unfinished plans and broken hopes.

Remus felt tired just breathing. It was one of his bad days that made him depend on his crutch, and because of his misfortune, it coincided with the day that Dorcas planned to make him meet one of the most important people for the book.

Lily was one of the few good things in his life, and being a wonderful person who loved him miraculously, she did not allow him to drive and decided to drive him herself. The last several days were like a dream from which he could not remember anything because of the pain that accompanied it, which made doing normal things more difficult than anything.

As he grew older, Remus was able to adapt to the fact that his body took revenge on him. The pain will not go away, so he must suck it up and continue with his life.

But the fact that he would meet a global star in a few minutes with this condition made him feel strangely shy and embarrassed with hatred for every living thing.

It reminded him of the beginning of his diagnosis at the age of sixteen. Going to school with a dead father and a cane only attracted negative attention to Remus, who only wanted the day to end since he opened his eyes.

“When you want to come back, call me okay?”

said Lily, who got out of the driver's seat to open his door and help him get out while she took his belongings and crutch from the back seat. He gestured to her while he transferred his body weight to his crutch as he took his bag.

Her worried features confirmed that she was not happy about leaving him or him leaving the house today, but she learned a long time ago not to interfere with his decisions for fear of his health because he felt threatened by anyone who did it, no matter how good their intentions were.

He waited for Lily to leave, then took out his phone and called Dorcas, who answered from the first second. "Coming." Ending the call.

Living on the hill gave the house freedom as if it were more like a house in the suburbs. Without even a fence surrounding the house. The large door opened behind him and Remus turned around to see Dorcas.

“Come in.”

Dorcas moved away so he could enter. What awaited was a large room with a staircase at one end, and several corridors that led to blind spots.

He could hear several semi-distant voices and the sound of musical instruments.

“They're brainstorming ideas for a new album. So no. You're not interrupting anything important.”

Dorcas answered before Remus tried to ask as she led him to the source of the voices.

The living room was large, with windows and a door leading to the back garden, sofas scattered throughout the place, and a giant television with speakers mounted on the wall. Lots of paintings covering the rest of the walls.

"I can't listen to this argument again."

A blonde girl almost screamed as she threw herself onto the couch she took one of the pillows and hugged it against her chest.

"This is real art Marls!"

A man on the opposite couch displayed a musical instrument that Remus immediately recognized in his hands, tuning the strings. Brown hair, lots of tattoos, and blue eyes.

"Just shut up Alp."

Another girl with long curly hair said hazel eyes, dark eyelashes, and a nose piercing. She had a similar instrument, but fatter and with many more decorations and strings. It didn't take Remus long to figure it out.

"You Arabs always do this. You think you have the best things. Guess what, Yara? Our music is better! And the saz is better than the oud. End of discussion.”

Between them sat Sirius Black. Giving all his attention to his phone in his hand and the black cat sleeping on his lap while he scratched behind her ear.

Dorcas cleared her throat To get the attention of those present. All eyes were on them. Seeing the color resembling a violent storm up close made Remus tighten his fist around his cane head. suspecting that he might have made the mistake of his life.

Because without a doubt, when you meet Sirius Black, you will not be able to forget him no matter how hard you try.

Chapter Text

"Sirius, I swear. If you do anything, I will kill you."

Dorcas' threats didn't matter much to him as he slammed the door in her face. He knocks against the door once because he knows that she is eavesdropping and smiles when he hears her insulting him. His office didn't look like one.

There wasn't even a desk. Just musical instruments hanging on the walls with awards and certificates. Two crimson sofas in the middle of the room and a glass wall overlooking the backyard and the pool. Books lined up on top of each other in that direction because the shelves he ordered have not yet arrived. Coming back to California wasn't as bad as he expected. New York made him feel suffocated in his last days, and his ex-boyfriend knocking on his door repeatedly didn't really help.

He was not convinced by Dorcas' idea at all. Just thinking about it upset him. The ease with which she trusted a stranger to know all these sensitive details worried him.

“Bad injury?”

He asked as he walked over to one of the sofas to sit on it facing Remus, whose grip against the head of his cane tightened in a way that Sirius noticed. Some tension took over him, cracking his knuckles as a result.

"Bad day."

Remus answered, who messed up his brown hair while trying to sit up straight under the gaze of Sirius, who felt awkward. He did not know what to say.

"Look.”

Remus began with a sigh, running his hand against his thigh with furrowed brows.

"I don't even know why I agreed to do something like this. Just the planning and research I did made me feel so angry because I know the feeling of spite a person feels when they are asked about sensitive matters. I want you to know that I am not here willingly. Kind of.”

Sirius watched him for a few seconds, blinking slowly as if trying to comprehend what he was saying, his curly hair tied up and many star clips occupying his head. The black hoodie he wore was too big, showing his collarbones and many black ink lines, but what brought the tension were those gray eyes that he almost swore could read his soul and every life he lived very easily.

Sirius then sighed as he lowered his body so he could sit on the floor.

“The floor gives me comfort.”

Sirius explained when he felt the gaze of the person sitting across from him as he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Remus.

"Shall we start?”

Sirius waited patiently while Remus took out his belongings, the recorder and his notebook, which he opened to a page full of writing. It was like many of his encounters, but in a way he was relieved because he felt like Remus didn't know what he was doing which was kind of nice in a way.

"So…Lupin. French?"

Sirius asks, watching the ceiling boredly.

"No. It's my mother's last name.”

Remus answered while adjusting the recording device settings.

“Absent father?”

Remus hesitated for a few seconds. He didn't want to talk about his family, but when he thought about the reason for his coming here, he didn't give himself the right to refuse.

“No. He thought if I had my mom's name life would be easier.”

“And why is that?.”

“Because he was a Middle Eastern Muslim man in the early 2000s.”

Sirius didn't look shocked or uncomfortable. But interest was evident on his features as he leaned his head against his hand.

“Gulf or Levantine?.”

“You seem to know a lot about that geographical spot.”

“You say that you understand my feelings about sensitive topics, but you cannot answer a simple question even though you know that you will ask me worse questions in a few minutes.”

“You don't have to act like you're forced to do this. You're not.”

“You don't have to lie that you understand my situation to show that you're a considerate person, then.”

Remus couldn't even reply, which seemed like the signal Sirius was waiting for to get up.

"You know where the door is." He then left the room,

"Sirius?"

Dorcas' voice made him stop for a few seconds and look at her over his shoulder. His eyes fell on his friends who were still there as well and he returned his attention to Dorcas,

"I'm not doing this. Find someone else.”

Dorcas got up and approached him.

"What happened?."

"Nothing."

"Sirius."

"Dorcas, please leave.”

Sirius then disappeared into the hallway, and all they could hear was the sound of a door opening and closing quietly.

“What did you expect?”

Dorcas turned her head towards Yara, who rose from her place next to the door, folding her hands across her chest with a raised eyebrow.

"Excuse me?."

"I'm saying you are insensitive, Dorcas. Because you treat him like a toy in your hands!”

“What the hell are you talking about?.”

"I'm tired of you treating him like he doesn't have fucking feelings! You summoned him to your office to tell him that his father is dead, that you're waiting for him to pull the plug within two business days, as if you were sending him shopping!. Then you make him meet the damned lawyer who was the cause of half of his brother's suffering. You bring a stranger whose name he did not know until half an hour ago, and you expect him to explain his whole fucking life story and talk about his brother who died less than two years ago! Because, you know that he cannot refuse any request of yours!”

Yara approached her. The spark in her eyes did not subside, and the resentment was evident in her.

"Did you ask about his life lately? Did you take a minute of your damned time to think that this is all too heavy for him!? Bringing him to a city he last was in when he buried his brother! Did you know that he ended a toxic relationship that lasted for years just two weeks ago? Do you know why? Absolutely not! Because you don't care!”

Alp got up and grabbed Yara's shoulders, pulling her away from Dorcas.

"Dorcas. I think you should leave. Please,"

Alp suggested calmly, but Dorcas was frozen in place, a terrible guilt occupying her chest, sucking out all the oxygen. But the hand that landed on her shoulder pulled her out of the vortex that had nearly swallowed her up,

"Let's go."

Marlene didn't say another word.

"You wouldn't have done this to Regulus."

Yara's closing sentence is what broke everything. Because she was wrong. Because she did the same thing to Regulus.

"I'll get you out of there Reg."

"I know you will."

The same response every time over the years. With the same calm smile. Because it was the main goal for many years of her life. Because it occupied her life in such a disgusting way that it made her forget the reasons. She turned into a creature that only cared about winning that court.

Not her friend, who had to relive everything bad in his life in front of the eyes of millions. To see faces that haunt his nightmares, so close to him, watching him with every answer to a question they are asked, as if they are threatening him with what will happen because he made them live something like this.

To testify against people who were like heroes trying to tear him apart, to convince the jury that he was a spoiled liar, that he was hungry for fame and money, that everything that happened behind the scenes was with his consent. He enjoyed it.

Because she was the one who stained the last pure thing he was holding on to.

"Reg. I don't think it's a good idea."

Regulus, sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, looked dissatisfied,

"Why not?”

James approached him and knelt in front of him, holding both of his hands together.

"We just don't want them to...use it against you."

“Against me?”

It was his only request since the beginning of the sessions. Nothing was left but a few. All he wanted was James by his side instead of behind the scenes. To be in the room with him instead of waiting for him at the hotel.

“Love. I know what I’m saying is wrong in every way. But we think your chances might be harmed if you...come out now.”

"But they have been using it as an excuse from the beginning."

"But this time...there will be a source.”

“What because a straight man getting raped is worse than a gay man?.”

“Reg.”

“Leave. Both of you. Please.”

Because when the court decided in his favor, he did not find any place for happiness. Even when he saw Dorcas, she exhaled in relief as she buried her face in her hands, not believing that everything was over.

Even when she looked at him with a wide smile as she took his hand to hold them tightly,

"I got you out, Reg." Even as he smiled back,

"I knew you would.”

Sirius did not move from the moment he threw himself on his bed, watching out the window, even when Yara checked on him every now and then. On the one hand, he felt guilty. And tiredness on the other hand. His eyes landed on the figure lying next to him.

Regulus was watching the ceiling, he seemed to be in a good mood.

"I shouldn't have acted like this."

Regulus sighed, "Dorcas is strong. She can handle it.”

"Not just her. I was rude to him."

“Yes, it was impolite. He was just trying to do his job.”

"Not that. I think seeing the crutch provoked me."

“What? Are you saying that you felt that the man who is obviously suffering from chronic pain is imitating me because he has the same disease?”

When Sirius did not respond, Regulus laughed. The place was silent after that.

"Father died."

Sirius spoke next.

“You feel sad?”

Sirius frowned, feeling his eyes suddenly filled with tears.

"I'm sorry."

He felt deeply guilty at that moment as he avoided looking at Regulus.

"It's okay. You can. I won't blame you.”

“You should.”

“But I won't.”

After many hours, the sun set, darkening the room, which finally made Sirius begin to fall asleep. But the vibration of his phone next to his head brought him back to consciousness for a few seconds as he saw the message that occupied the screen. A message from a strange number, but it did not take Sirius long to find out the identity of the sender.

Levantine.

Chapter Text

His mother didn't even need to ask why he came when she opened the door. One look alone made her understand everything as she turned away for him to enter.  

Remus sat in the chair next to the door with a sigh, pulling on his cane on one hand and stroking his thigh on the other. It took him several seconds to gather the energy so he could remove his shoes. 

“Hungry?”  

"No."  

Remus didn't get up even after he finished taking off his shoes. Everything about this day had been bad.  

Hope understood easily as she approached to hug him to her chest, kissing his head several times, which made Remus's eyelids burn and become heavy.

“One to ten?.” 

“Seven.” 

“Oh Remy, I'm so sorry.” 

It took them a while, but in the end, Remus was able to get up with Hope's help until they entered the living room so he could lie down on the couch.

His mother covered him with a blanket, then disappeared into the kitchen for several minutes and returned with water and a bowl of fruit that she had apparently prepared before.

She then sits down to make him place his head on her lap.  

"Let me explain quickly."  

Hope started to point at the television that was showing a series.  

"Her husband abused her, and in order to escape from him, she faked drowning in the sea when they went on a yacht trip with their friends. Then she went to another city and started working. And now she is falling in love with her boss at work! It seems that her husband began to suspect that she was not really dead and is trying to investigate the matter.”

Listening to his mother's words did not ease the pain. He never did but it was something they had been doing since the beginning of his illness. Because the bad days consisted of his mother calling the school to tell them he wouldn't come today, sinking into the couch in front of the TV, watching everything they could think of, and binging on unhealthy foods.

It didn't help, but it was a relief, something that made him not hate his entire existence, even when he felt as if his body was taking revenge on him with something he didn't know the origin of. Because he always knew that his mother would be by his side. She might not understand everything, but she would try with all her might to do so.

"So? What happened?"  

"I...I don't think I can deal with people. Even without pain. I don't see myself as someone who can win anyone's admiration from the first meeting.”

"You never cared about that."  

“Because it never affected my life.”  

“Has it affected your life today?”

“It just made me realize that I am twenty-seven years old and the people in my life are my mom, my roommate, and my boss. And two of these people are kind of forced to put up with me. I have not accomplished any achievement that I am proud of other than editing books with my name not even printed on them. And I- I still feel like someone is choking me when they ask about dad.” 

Hope did not respond and ran her fingers through her son's hair. The only sound audible was the television, and all he felt was a noise resembling a party with every inch of his body.  

“All I see is that you are the perfect person for this job.”  

Hope started, not lacking in details about Remus' work, which he explained in every detail during his last visit.  

"What do you mean?."  

"You're treating them like a book that you have to edit. Remus...it's hard to talk about someone you cherish after losing them. Maybe he also feels suffocated every time his brother is mentioned. So be a friend who understands this first. Before you try to turn something about him into lines that will be read by millions." 

“I understand that but…” 

“Remus. You don't.” 

Hope's words were like a slap to him as he sat up so he could look at her. She sighed and faced him, taking his hands between hers. 

"You...you didn't feel a connection to your father. I know that, and I don't blame you because you were young. I don't think what you missed was your father specifically. Rather, it was someone with those qualities to fill that empty place. And that's okay. But you have to understand that what those people lost is not a character that needed to be there for the plot or the development of a character. This one… It would be like you losing me or Lily.”

He did not say anything yet, leaving his mother to hug him to her chest, covering him again like a child at the beginning of his life and not an adult man. At that moment, he was terrified of an unknown day in the future when it would be the last time he would see her face, feel her touch, or hear her voice.

So, after hours, he gathered the courage to open his phone to the number that had been sent to him from Dorcas several days ago, to write the message with a sigh.

He received a response after several minutes.

Obviously

Which made him smile for an unknown reason.

The vibration of his phone in his hand made him flinch as he saw Sirius' name occupying the screen. He looked at his mother, who had fallen asleep next to him on the couch. The faint sound of the television was still in the background. 

Remus looked at his phone screen again to accept the call, while he removed the cover from above him and took his cane so he could get up. 

"Wait a minute." "  

He spoke on his phone, getting close to his mother, covering her well, and turning off the television, heading toward the door leading outside to the back garden.

“Hi.” 

He spoke on the phone again while sitting in one of the chairs.  

"Hey, Hate texting.”

“It's okay.” 

“So… Remus. Any brothers?.” 

Remus smiled as he rested his back against the chair.  

"No. I don't have a Romulus."  

“I don’t know whether to congratulate you or feel sad for you.”  

“You feel sad for me because all the attention was on me?”  

"My God, only children. Why do you all give me the same excuse?”

Remus giggled. And silence prevailed. The smell of herbs and flowers in the garden was refreshing and made him feel relaxed. His eyes fell on the same spot where he sat with his mother for hours years ago. In front of trees of which no trace remains.  

"Sorry. Someone made me realize that I don't really understand."  

Silence continued from the other party, which made Remus feel nervous and sighed, 

"I lost my father when I was eight. We were both at home that day, and my mother was at work. He...had a heart attack. I didn't know what to do. By the time I brought a neighbor to help, it was too late."

All he could hear was the sound of movement from the other side. 

“So every time someone tries to ask me about my family or about him, I somehow lose my mind. It wasn’t personal.”  

"I get that. I'm sorry too. Today...wasn't easy for me. And somehow it exploded on you.”

The news that spread everywhere informed him of the most important reasons for this.  

"You really don't have to do this if you don't want to."  

"I do.”

“No.”

“I do.” 

Silence.  

"Okay.”

Remus didn't want to insist, and he wasn't really in a position to think of really logical reasons. Even Sirius didn't seem like he wanted to listen to someone he had just met trying to teach him what to do.  

"So. What's your favorite song?"  

The question was so stupid that it almost caused a smile to split Remus's face.

"Right now? Wasted Love by push baby.” 

"I love Wishing We Were More Than Friends.”

“It's literally their most famous song.”  

“You really give off the energy of a person who, if he sees someone wearing a band T-shirt, asks to name ten of their songs.”

“I do that with authors actually.” 

"Me too."  

"Really? What's your favorite book?"  

"I don't think you would know it even if I told you."  

"Tell me anyway.”

“The proof of the honey.” 

“I don’t know it.” 

“Told you. Yours?”  

"The Master and Margarita.”

“Read it in my atheist era.” 

“You had an atheist era?.” 

“Every middle eastern kid had one. Didn't you?.” 

“I'm still in it though. What made you switch back?.” 

The silence from Sirius's side worried him a little.  

“My mother’s side is from Lebanon. No one knows this because she was born and lived in France, and after her marriage to my father, she changed her name as well. My grandfather is a Muslim and my grandmother is a Christian. He broke off his relationship with his family because they tried to force my grandmother to change her religion after their marriage, but he always said that a person’s religion is his own thing and that if he was not willing to change his own for anyone, he had no right to ask his wife to do so. 

When I began to discover my sexuality, I felt a deep fear that he would hate me. I blamed myself and God. Because my grandparents were the only ones who loved me without demands. That I would lose the only love I had because of something I couldn't even see and something I couldn't control. But... when he found out he just hugged me and started crying. It was the first time I saw him crying in my entire life, which increased my fear. But only after that he told me that he loves me no matter what my nature is. And if he were to be punished for this in the afterlife, he would accept the punishment graciously.

And it just feels less lonely. When I think that there is that power that watches over me and gives me chances everyday.” 

“That's beautiful actually. I don't think I can do or think like that.” 

It was the first piece Sirius gave him. A beautiful one in a way.

At the end of the evening, a strong desire made him search for the book, buy it, and begin reading it, trying to find Sirius's dimensions. Lines that he may have read more than once. Because he was caught in a net, he did not know whether it was planned or existed innocently. But he wanted to enter that man's mind more than anything else.

Some people conjure spirits. I conjure bodies. I have no knowledge of my soul or of the souls of others. I know only my body and theirs.

And I content myself with that.

I conjure them and I see myself with them once again—ephemeral travelers in an ephemeral body; they were never more than that. The rules had been laid down. What, men as mere objects? And why not?

Chapter Text

The long hall was occupied by whiteness, and the smell of detergent was so clear that it made his nose burn. He knew that he had reached his destination when he saw guards in front of the door who did not even blink to stop him when he reached for the door handle to open it and enter.

The body lying among the medical equipment made him stop for a few seconds, leaning his back against the door, his hand still around the handle, holding it tightly. His father's face did not even appear clear because of the gauze that covered most of it, but he did not need to see it to be able to recognize the face that had haunted him for years.

"This looks...interesting."  

Regulus was standing next to the bed that held Orion, his hands in his pants pockets and a smile on his lips.  

"The bastard escaped easily," Sirius replied.

“Yeah. He always lived as if the world was on its knees for him.” 

“It's not fair.” 

Regulus looked back at Sirius with a raised eyebrow.  

"What?."  

"That he's with you now.”

Regulus grinned.  

"I like to think God doesn't hate me enough to put Orion with me in death too.”

It made sense. Because Regulus had the right to hate their father more than him. Everything that occupied Sirius's sight at that moment was a memory that he tried to bury so deep in his memory that he could not remember it even in dreams. Orion, stood straight and bored while watching Regulus, who was trembling in front of him from head to toe.  

"Please. Just a little."  

Regulus' voice was hoarse as he knelt, his fingertips stuck in his hair as if he wanted to rip his head off.  

"Why? You haven't done anything to make you deserve even a little bit."  

“Father, please.”

"Words don't work on me, Regulus. If you want your reward, you have to work for it.”

Then Orion left with ease, without looking behind him except for a few seconds, his eyes making contact with Walburga, who was standing at the end of the stairs, also watching him with blank expressions.

As for Sirius, his eyes could not leave his brother, who let out a scream that seemed to tear open his throat as he hit his fists against the ground. The trembling did not leave his body even for a second, even when the ground was stained with blood. Nothing stopped him.

"Sirius, go to your room."  

"But!."  

"Now!.”

It was Orion Black's way of life. Convinced that every human being had something he feared losing. When he can't find it, he makes one up. He knew about Regulus' abilities and potential from the beginning. But Regulus did not even seem interested in these opportunities or their meaning, which made him not strive to obtain them.

Nothing caught his attention, not fame, money, or attention. So Orion had to create something that would attract his attention. It started with alcohol. Then weed. Finally, the drugs made his son do anything he wanted him to do without thinking for more.

When he was disappointed, he cut it off with ease.

He shackles Regulus to his bed and leaves him there for several days, threatening everyone to the point that they do not dare think about helping him.

So he stood at the beginning of the stairs in the shadows, watching his mother, who approached Regulus, kneeling next to him, trying to stop his meltdown. One among many.

At that age, thoughts that he did not want to acknowledge were occupying his mind. Every time this happened, a deep anger filled his chest in a way that was shocking even to him. Hope that Regulus learns from his mistakes so that they do not need to live a week that resembles hell because of Orion punishing him.

But Regulus learned, with time, to act his role with shocking perfection. To the point that even his brother couldn't understand anything.  

"You need to get out of here."  

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows as he saw Regulus, who entered his room, closing the door behind him.  

“What are you talking about?”  

Sirius asks in confusion, getting up.  

"Sirius."  

Regulus placed both palms on Sirius' shoulders, 

"He's starting to get bored with me.”

“What?.” 

“You don't see it. The way he looks at you has changed. You are his new guinea pig. You have to escape from here.”

The words sent a violent shiver through Sirius' body. 

“Sirius, go to James, do not come back here no matter what happens. Until then...do not eat or drink anything offered to you! Do you understand?”

“What about you?.” 

“It's too late for me.” 

"You've always been the one to protect me."

The sound of the heartbeat in the room was somehow disturbing, perhaps because it belonged to the person who was the cause of everything. It provoked him that Orion still had a beating heart despite everything.  

“You protected me first.”  

They were both sitting on the floor in the corner, 

"Not enough.”

“Sirius.” 

“You would have been with me today if I had succeeded.”  

"I am with you."  

"No, you're not.”

Their eyes met, and it was perhaps the first time he saw some emotion in the ghost that had been following him for months. With a sad smile and pained eyes. He looked like the real Regulus. Perhaps this is what broke Sirius' heart. He forgot his brother's smile, and all he remembered were the moments when he was miserable.

“I miss you so much.” 

Remus sat there with the same tension he had felt a few days ago when meeting Sirius. Not thinking about the consequences of accepting the offer was the biggest mistake of his life.  

His research on Pandora Lovegood calmed him down a bit. She seemed like a kind and respectable person, and fortunately for him, it was one of his good days, an unusually active one.  

His phone rang in his pocket, and he thought to take it out, observing the message that had arrived, causing a smile to subconsciously occupy his lips.

Sirius: I'm not trusting your taste in books ever again.

Remus: Come on, it's a classic.

Sirius: Classic or not I hate every goddamn character in this book. And Leo Tolstoy is a fucking cunt his wife's dairies broke my heart.

Sirius: ffs Sofia what do you expect from someone who wrote a character like Anna 

Sirius: God I wanna kill her. 

Sirius: BRINGING YOUR BOYTOY TO YOUR HOUSE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD!?? 

Sirius: And her husband was the only good character until he started to hate said child because his wife cheated on him wtf???? 

Sirius: I hate you for this terrible recommendation. 

Remus: You missed the whole concept of the book didn't you?.

Sirius: My grandparents' stories are more philosophical than an idiot who pursues a married woman and is shocked that she ignores him and can't see a single reason why she would do that.

Sirius: And while I suffered with these spoiled mfs I just know that you enjoyed my recommendation. 

Remus: I will not say my opinion until I finish it unlike some people.

Sirius: admit it.

Remus: okay it's good but not perfect.

Sirius: NAME ONE THING

Remus: it's fucking weird to enter seclusion with a man you do not know for forty days!

Sirius: What's weird about this!?? It's not like they're doing anything. Shams is teaching Rumi the lessons he knows.

Remus: Imagine telling your wife. Hey, I'm going into this room with a man I just met because he's going to teach me some things. See you in forty days!

Sirius: Yes, because calling your lover to the house where you live with your husband and the two meeting at the door is very normal.

The sounds of approaching footsteps made him turn off his phone without answering, put it in his pants pocket, and stand up to see Pandora, who entered the place with a wide smile.  

Her blonde hair was tied up, with blue jeans and a white dress shirt. She looked really warm as she approached him.  

"You must be Remus."  

Her voice was also soft, with a calm, slightly hoarse tone.  

"Yes. Nice to meet you Mrs. Lovegood.”

“Call me Pandora please.” 

They shook hands and Pandora sat across from him.  

“Did they offer you anything?” 

 Her eyes searched over the table and any surface around her. She looked as if she was going to call one of her assistans.  

"They offered but I declined. Thanks."  

The same smile played on her lips as she placed both hands on the table that separated them.  

"So, Remus, what did you do to make Dorcas like you enough to give you a task like this?"  

In a way, Remus felt comfortable with her. Perhaps the reason was the conversation he was having with a certain man, which made his fingertips itch to open his phone and answer Sirius.

“I myself don't really know.”

“This is her nature. She always loves finding different people. It's a hobby she picked up from Reggie.” 

“Really?.”

“Yeah! Reggie has always been the anchor of the group, the one who miraculously brought us together. He and Dorcas studied together for two years. Barty and him were childhood friends. When we got to know each other, I somehow involved my brother as well.”

“How did you meet?.” 

“Mental hospital.” 

Remus paused for a few seconds, watching Pandora silently, her smile not disappearing as she placed her hand under her chin.  

“Strange, right? I was there because I was suffering from a severe eating disorder and suicidal thoughts. He was there because it was some kind of punishment from his father. Our rooms were opposite each other. We suddenly became friends.”

“How are you now?.” 

“Really good actually thank you for asking. So yeah Reggie and I have always been good friends. He even wrote songs for me under a fake name.” 

“He did?.” 

“Yeah. He wanted to be a musician. He didn't really like acting, he was forced into it. He was always sending me demos. Music was our common ground really.” 

Talking to Pandora was easy and comfortable. She did not seem to feel threatened by his questions, but rather answered them with ease, giving him many details, memories, the nature of Regulus and his personality over the years.

"He was by my side throughout my pregnancy. Even though he got into a lot of trouble with his father because he was absent from work. But every time I called him, no matter how far away he was, he came. I was still suffering from my disorder, and every day was difficult because I felt like I was slowly killing my daughter, and some days I hated her because she was the reason for all these changes that I did not want. I did not want to share these thoughts with my husband for fear that he would see me as a monster. But Regulus didn't, no matter how bad my thoughts were.”

Pandora's eyes were shining as she broke eye contact between them to look at her hands that were on the table.  

"So I wanted him to be her godfather. From the first day until the end, he always called her his daughter. Which made Evan, my brother, correct him that she was his God-daughter. A quarrel would start between them every time. He loved her very much. Even she, from the beginning, always watched him with complete fascination. She did not cry. Never in his arms, she fell asleep easily between them.” 

Pandora's features changed, the smile fell from her lips.  

"He called me that night. We talked for several minutes. At the end of the call, he asked if he could talk to her. But she was asleep. I didn't want to wake her up because those months were stressful for all of us and she was affected by this as well. It was difficult for her to sleep. So I told him that she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her up, and when she wakes up, I will call him immediately so they can talk. He said it was okay, I didn't have to do that and said to just tell her that he loves her and to give her a kiss.” 

A lump occupied Remus's throat, who rubbed his eyes, avoiding looking at Pandora, who hid her face in her palms.  

“I robbed her of an important moment. I know that when she grows up, she will hate me because I did not let her talk to him even for a few seconds. And perhaps... if he had talked to her, he would have retracted his decision.”

“I should've known. More than anyone.” 

Sirius was struggling to read the ridiculous book, and Remus ignoring his letter annoyed him so he decided to force himself to finish the book. Yara and Alp were not home when he returned, which made him bored.  

“My God, what a farce this is that makes Stiva my favorite character.”

Sirius lay on his back after closing the book to watch the ceiling. His fingertips drew circles against his stomach. He took his phone to see the time and the last message he sent to Remus. He sighed when he did not see any response, but he did not turn off his phone, so his fingertips searched unconsciously for the name.  

His eyes watched Axel's name for long minutes. His fingertips were dangerously close to the call button. Yara was not around to stop him this time, and the storm in his stomach and his suddenly rapid heartbeat encouraged him in some way. But the vibration of his phone in his hand stopped him when he saw Remus's name, so he had to respond immediately.  

"Look I tried again but I can't, every line makes me want to pull my hair out. And I really love my hair.”

“Can we meet?” 

“Right now?” 

Sirius moved the phone away from his ear so he could see the time and put it back again. "Did something happen?."  

"No. I just want to give you a hug.”

Sirius could hear his heart with his ears, which made him panic at the thought that Remus might hear it as well. Comfortable silence occupied the call for a moment.  

"How did you know?." 

"Know what?"  

"That I need a hug.”

“Maybe I am your Shams.” 

“God told you that you should hug me?” 

“Didn't you know? Me and him are really close so yeah.” 

“That's not true. You don't even give Shams vibes. You're more like the moon.” 

“And you're a star.”

“Oh really? I didn't know that. Interesting information.” 

“Shut up.” 

Sirius' smile nearly split his lips to the point where his dimples showed.  

"Yes, Remus. We can meet. and you can give me a hug.” 

“Good. You deserve one.” 

Chapter Text

Have you ever visited France or Lebanon?”  

The question sounded ridiculous in Remus's mind after asking it, but Sirius smiled willingly as he rested his back against the driver's seat.  

“France every year since I was a kid. Lebanon never.”

“Why?”

“Every time Tita tried to convince my mother to take us for the summer, she refused. I don't think I have the same enthusiasm to go anymore.” 

Remus nodded, his back was against the door, and the only light was from a lamppost in the corner of the parking lot.

“What about you?” 

Remus's eyes fell on the outside, some tension occupied him and the feeling of itching in all parts of his body made him just want to run away. Talking about these matters was not easy for him. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much he wants to get over it.  

"I've never gone before. And I don't think I will.”

“Why?”

“I don't think I can bear to go and see the ghosts of a future that would have been mine. It's infuriating. My mother wants to go. People she knows told her that it would be easy for us if we decided because there is nothing official that tells them that I have Palestinian origins. This alone makes me angry.” 

"You have every right to be."  

Silence occupied the car for long minutes, and only the sounds of their breathing could be heard.  

"I've always thought about it. What life would have been like. If my grandparents hadn't had to flee their country for better opportunities. If my mother had never met my father. A part of me always believed that she wouldn't have ended up like this. That she would have been a wonderful person, full of life. Like my grandparents. Being thrown into a society that sees you as less because of your origins is tiring.”

Sirius sighed, closing his eyes, a feeling of exhaustion taking over him.  

“My best friend didn’t learn about my origins until my last year of high school.”  

"Really why?."  

“Maybe shame. Maybe it was what you said. Fear of being treated as less. I don't even know how to speak, read or write. I can understand though. And sometimes…” 

Remus lowered his gaze to his hand that was playing with the fabric of his trousers.

"Sometimes he appears in my dreams. With a look full of disappointment. Because I'm trying to bury what he was trying to save. Mom always says that he is proud but I don't think he is.” 

"I don't think that's true."  

Sirius interrupted, their eyes meeting.  

"You're a wonderful person, Remus.”

“You don't know me that much.” 

“True but you can count on me to recognize bad people. And you're not one. Even though your literature taste who you based Your whole carer on is questionable.” 

They both smiled. The calm between them was comfortable after that, as they watched each other without any fear, each immersed in the sea of their thoughts.

"You're repeating the same mistakes, Sirius."

His brother's voice rang in his ears in a way that overturned all the calm and relaxation he felt. But he was never that strong. Because he has not yet learned how to hide his heart and protect it between his ribs as he should.

Or maybe he wanted proof that he was still breathing.  

And Remus has not yet understood the truth about Sirius. He couldn't understand him as someone he could talk to yet. Messages and calls were easy but seeing him face to face. It was making him pay attention to details that he shouldn't have even paid attention to. It wasn't like seeing pictures of him on magazine covers or on his phone.  

Sirius did not look like the character the media painted. At this moment at least, he seemed to be the softest person in existence. With curly and messy hair, although he tied it up with a ponytail and star clips. 

A shirt that shows some parts of his skin, decorated with many drawings that caught Remus's attention more than once. He wanted to trace it with his fingertips, every line and every word. Many piercings in his ear, the last of which was a dangling star that danced with every movement.

Empty neck and fingers and eyes that dim lighting does not do justice to. But what caught Remus's attention most were the small moles scattered around, especially one below his right eyebrow. Small, almost invisible from afar.

“So did you start your book yet?.”

And unmissable lips.

“No. Still researching.” 

“Did you meet the others yet?”

“Just Pandora.”

A soft smile graced Sirius' lips.  

"She is wonderful.”

“She is.” 

“Reggie knows how to find them. The good ones.” 

“What about you?”

"Me? I have the worst taste ever. Somehow I succeed in finding those who vow to fuck up my life.” 

Remus didn't answer. And Sirius didn't want to talk about this.  

"Hungry?."  

asked Sirius, who turned on the car that lit up the parking lot.  

"Yes."  

Remus looked at his phone to see how late it was, he didn't really care but he texted Lily so she wouldn't worry.

"So Remus. Do you have bad taste in music as well?"  

Remus rolled his eyes, but the smile did not leave his lips.  

"To be honest. Lately? Yes."  

His eyes did not leave his phone to show it to Sirius after, who took his eyes off the road for a few seconds to see, and then laughed.

“Fuck you! My songs are good. And 800 liked songs? Jesus, Remus there are playlists for a reason.”

“What's wrong with it? All my songs are in one place. Who has the time to make playlists?.”

“Everyone!.”

“That's not true!.”

Sirius stopped at a red light and took out his phone, opening it. 

“This is normal!”  

Remus's eyes fell over dozens of playlists with a raised eyebrow.  

“Just seeing all this hurts my brain. How do you decide which one to listen to?”  

"Depends on my mood.”

Sirius hung up his phone to return his focus to the road. 

 "So? You started listening to my music?"  

"Yes. Pandora as well."  

“She has great songs.”  

"Lily is obsessed with the latest song she released. She can listen to the same song for months.”

“I played it once.” 

It made sense. It was a song about his brother. Which actually made Remus feel guilty for bringing it up.

"You don't have to feel guilty. I'll have to talk about it sooner or later. I know that.”

“You don't have to.”

“Remus I actually enjoy talking about Regulus. He is my light. He deserves to be mentioned without feeling pity for him. He was the reason I survived the first two decades of my life. He's the reason I keep going every day. Because I want to live a life for both of us.” 

“He always lived through me. I know it wasn't healthy but it was the only solution. Everything he wasn't allowed to do, I did. Even if I didn't want to, I did it for him.” 

“Not speaking yet is not because it is difficult for me. Rather, it is selfishness because we have always been together. No one knows us the way we know each other. I want to keep him for more time, even if it is just a little. Before he becomes the world’s darling again.”

He wanted to keep this fantasy as much as possible. So he can memorize all the details. Because not having his brother in his life was lonely. But this hallucination was dear to him. His mind pitied him to the point of making him see it as a consolation.

Maybe it was the thing that finally made Remus relax. Without any apparent guilt on his features, time passed as they talked about different things until they found a place to eat.

“Yes, you can see the names of the lists they add my music to.”  

The restaurant was almost empty and they restarted the music discussion as they waited for their order, Sirius was standing next to Remus showing him all the playlists on his phone.

“Rip Van Gogh's left ear, you would've loved these songs?” 

“Did your mother drop you when you were a child, or are you just homosexual. It is my favorite.”

"They're very creative.” 

Whispering voices from the other end of the counter caught Remus' attention, who froze in discomfort at the number of people watching them. But Sirius didn't even seem to notice as he scrolled through his phone. 

"I have to go to the bathroom."  

"Okay. Want to leave your things with me?."  

“No it's okay.”

Sirius looked up from his phone, watching Remus who headed towards the bathroom to realize the number of eyes on him at that moment. His eyes fell on the two closest people who were whispering, and he smiled politely when their eyes met. Which gave them the courage to approach him and talk.

As soon as Remus was in the bathroom, he felt like he wanted to vomit. Just breathing seemed difficult as he washed his hands and face. It was terrifying, having others realize his presence even if he wasn't the center of attention.

He wasn't used to this. He hated it so much. His eyes watched his reflection in the mirror for a few seconds while he took deep breaths to calm down while drying his hands. It took several minutes for him to come out after that, but he stood far away, watching Sirius smiling brightly at the two girls who were talking to him, nodding his head from one sentence to another as evidence that he was listening. One of them gave him a pen so he could sign something to do, and after taking several pictures, the two girls left, bidding him farewell, and Sirius returned to boredly observing his surroundings until his eyes fell on Remus.

Then another smile appeared on his lips. It was not as clear as the one before. It did not even show the dimples on his cheeks, but it was much more beautiful. It gave an opportunity for the shine and softness of his eyes to appear, and at that moment a scream occupied Remus’s mind, as he felt his heart almost explode. He was so fucked.

Remus didn't know much about love. But he was sure of one thing. He was afraid of it.

It seemed as if a demon was standing on his shoulder and was always whispering in his ear that he should run away before he discovered that he did not deserve to be loved. It is not something that is given to imperfect people.

But this did not stop his heart from becoming attached to people at first sight. Because he usually loves at first sight in a way that he cannot explain, when he sees someone for a second, he can know that their mark will leave a scratch on his soul.

But he never crossed the red line he set for himself. Because he preferred to live everything in his mind instead of putting his fate in someone else's hands. Because he was afraid of it. Because he was afraid that he would end up like his mother, who was paying the price for ten years of living at double. In the shadow of a person whom no one remembers, not even himself.

Because he was not convinced that he was good enough for anyone, no matter who he was. Because he hated himself and did not want to live hypocritically, expecting someone to love what he hated.

So when he felt similar feelings, wrapping fingers around his heart, all he wanted to do was run away.

Because this time it wasn't just doubts. This time it seemed like the whole world was against him, telling him that he would never be good for this person.

Because he was so radiant that even he himself could not comprehend it. Something inside him made him believe that Sirius, even if he did not have a face known to millions, would have had the same brilliance and influence on people.

“I met Alp several years ago. His father is a close friend of someone I know. His family is wonderful, his mother prepares the most delicious food I have ever tasted in my life. His father owns a Turkish pub here.” 

“A Turkish pub?.”

Sirius nodded, half focused on his food.  

"I haven't gone yet since I came. I know Alp is planning to take us soon. You should come.”

“Never been to one before.” 

"It's a great experience! The food is great, the music is great. You have to try the raki. And the seafood. You like seafood right?”

“Yeah.” 

“Great! You can bring Lily too if you want. Alp’s parents will be there too. Wanna invite your mother?” 

The silence that fell between them made Sirius stop eating and raise his head towards Remus, who seemed frozen in place. He watches him with such concentration that Sirius straightens up.  

"What?"  

"We are friends."  

Sirius raised an eyebrow.  

"Yeah?”

“I feel like a teenager.” 

A smile came to Sirius' lips as he leaned his back against the booth.  

"Why?"  

"Because that was the last time I made a friend.”

“You are an interesting person Remus.”

“Why do I feel like you just insulted me by saying that?”

“That's what friends do?”

“You should really be afraid of my mom then.” 

“Why?”

“Because she will want to keep you in her pocket when she meets you.”

This made Sirius laugh. It was a beautiful laugh that resonated with every fiber of Remus.

He was truly fucked. Especially when he could see the tattoo of a quote he read a while ago. 

Between my eager haste and his pleasured slowness, we find our rhythm

Chapter Text

If they all know one thing, it's that no one can refuse a request from Pandora. It was the norm. If Pandora asks you for something, you will drop everything and do it for her. Perhaps because these requests were extremely rare.

So when she called and told him that he was invited to her birthday celebration, which was going to be held after a show she had, and that he had to attend the show as well because everyone would do it, he could not refuse. Especially because he rejected two requests before this, which made him feel bad. So he agreed after much hesitation.

Both his parents were happy about it, encouraging him to go and that they would take care of Mia and he could stay late as much as he wanted. Even Mia seemed happy about it. So much so that she demented to help him get ready. 

This did not ease the tension he felt to appear in public like this. He hasn't done it in a long time. He couldn't remember the last time he went out for something that didn't concern his daughter. The last time anyone noticed him on the roads. He hasn't opened any social media app on his phone for months. He informed his company that he was on a long vacation, the end of which he did not know yet, and he isolated himself without waiting for an answer. He didn't care if they didn't like it. If they fear that this will affect his reputation and fame. People will forget him if he disappears like this. But that didn't matter to him because he didn't know why he was in such a mess in the first place. It was as if he woke up one day and realized that every decision he made was the wrong one. It is as if his soul, years ago, woke up in his current body and felt terrified because this was not what he wanted at the time.

It was something he was used to by now. Being jealous of his 20 year old self. Resenting him, because he did not know the value of every moment at a time. Happy to have started a path that seemed right. Found the love of his life despite all the difficulties. With his best friend who was with him every step of the way.

Sirius. 

Stopping for a few seconds in front of the mirror. The necklace is still in his hands. His thoughts leading up to Sirius made him want to laugh at himself. Mia was on his bed playing, losing interest from the first minute to be busy with something else.  

"He is fine."  

Alp's voice that came from his phone made something inside him calm down several days ago. 

"James. Don't you think it's enough? He needs you and you need him.” 

"Don't stick your nose in something you don't know about. Alp."  

It was natural, Alp being protective over Sirius ever since they had known each other. It was normal for anyone who knew Sirius.  

"Does it not hurt you? Living a life away from the person you shared everything with? Not being able to share every milestone with him?”

There is nothing great in his life to share anymore. 

"Doesn't it hurt you that your daughter doesn't know him?”

It did. 

He even remembers the exact day. When Mia found her first friend. It was different from how she knew Luna. He was a friend she had chosen. He remembers her excitement when he came to pick her up as she explained every detail about her friend. For him and her grandparents. His father smiled and then looked at him with a look that broke something in him. Because he knew its meaning.  

You did the same thing when you met Sirius.

"James?"  

James's eyes landed on Evan, who had come from the opposite end of the hallway. Backstage was filled with chaos as the show approached. They could hear the audience singing along to the songs that were playing before the show started.  

"Evan."  

A polite smile graced his lips as Evan approached him, hugging him without warning. 

He didn't remember the last time they saw each other.

"How are you?"  

asked Evan who broke the hug, both hands still on James' shoulders, a comforting smile, not much had changed except for the hair that was shorter than he remembered, several new tattoos visible on his neck.  

"Fine. You?"  

"Same. I didn't know you were coming."  

"Believe me, even I'm shocked at myself. I don't remember the last time I left my house for more than an hour."  

"Fatherhood has made you boring then." 

It was natural for Evan to know about Mia because of how close Pandora and Luna were to them, but something uncomfortable occupied him for an unknown reason.

Which Evan easily noticed and patted him on the shoulder, the same smile on his lips, 

"I'm happy for you. You've always wanted this right? Having a kid.”

He did. 

“What about you? How's life?” 

They both started walking when they realized that the show was starting. Evan shoved his palms into his pants pockets. 

“Travelling. Barty has made me visit every European country you can think of. He’s planning a trip to Asia when we finish with the book that Dorcas is planning.”

“A book?” 

Evan looked at him with furrowed brows. Confusion took over his features, 

"You don't know? Didn't Dorcas talk to you?"  

James remembered the number of unanswered texts and calls from Dorcas, perhaps he should have at least read the messages.

“I've been ignoring her for a while. Ever since that man's will was opened.”

“Well you better prepare yourself, she's here.” 

“I can handle Dorcas. So what book?” 

Evan did not answer immediately, until they reached the end of the road that led to outside where they have to appear in front of thousands to reach the VIP tent.  

"I think it's Dorcas who should tell you about this.” 

But James didn't really care about it at the moment. All that occupied his mind was the number of people at the end of the way. He could hear them, and the noise hurt his ears.  

"James? You okay?"  

It was ridiculous, for him to be afraid to be in the middle of a gathering like this. With his history that made him the center of attention with similar situations.  

"Just a minute."  

He hid his face with his hands, trying to control his breathing.  

"Do you need anything? What can I do?"  

"Nothing."  

James moved his hands away from his face, 

"Let's go.”

Evan didn't object, especially seeing the stern look in James's eyes as they continued on their way. It took a minute for them to come out into view with the guards who looked like they were waiting for them. The walk to the VIP tent seemed long to James, who noticed a lot of eyes on him, some chants of his name, phones starting to film him. It was his first appearance in two years. Maybe Evan understood this when he saw how much attention they were getting.

He felt better when they reached the tent. He enters first, followed by Evan. The first person he laid eyes on was Barty, who stood up when he saw him as well. The change in him was much greater. No crazy hair colors. Or the malicious smile that used to accompany him. Most of the piercings were gone.

He looked older. The Barty he knew never looked his age no matter what. It was…heartbreaking.

“James.” 

“Hi.” 

They both smiled, and it only took two seconds for the second hug James received today. Barty's arms tightened around him strangely, as if he knew all the empty areas in his soul, which made James close his eyes and return the embrace.  

"It's good to see you. Really" 

"It's good to see you too.”

“James! You bastard!” 

The hug ended the moment he heard Dorcas' loud voice and saw her face.  

"Hello to you too.”

"You've been ignoring me for a month."  

"And whose fault is that?”

An ear-ringing scream interrupted the conversation, causing their attention to turn to the right, and then James regretted every decision he had made today when he saw Sirius, who was approaching the tent, a simple smile on his lips.  

"James." The voice of Dorcas, who was holding his arm, seemed very far away as he watched Sirius, who was getting closer and closer every second. In a simple moment, their eyes met and that smile fell. 

It was another moment when James felt hatred for his twenty-year-old self. Because he didn't suffer from this. Because that James was on the floor of his dorm room at that moment laughing with his best friend, his friend who he saw when he was young for a few seconds and decided at that moment that he was his soul mate.

He remembered the last time he saw Sirius. He remembers because it was one of the moments he regretted most in his life.

“You knew.” 

Sirius didn't answer. His eyes had not left the same point on the ground for a long time.  

“You knew he relapsed. And you didn't tell me.”

Just then their eyes met. It seemed as if the connection that had been between them for years, the one that made even breathing without the other impossible, had disappeared.

Chapter Text

Sirius swore he wouldn't repeat the same mistakes. The moment he had to stay for long hours outside his apartment because there was no one he could go to after finding Axel with that woman.

The cold hours he stared at his phone screen until it ran out of charge to remain with his thoughts, observing the emptiness

So he ended up returning to the apartment full of shame at sunrise. He stood in front of the door for long minutes, but at least the warmth made his bones stop trembling.

He could hear steps coming from inside and the door of the room opening to let out Axel, whose shoulders relaxed when he saw him. Just seeing Axel reminded him of the reason for his escape again.

"What do you call what's between us?"  

Axel shifted in his place at the sound of the question, his fist did not leave the door handle.  

"What?"  

“I have been trying for hours, years to be honest, to understand what we are.”

Sirius wiped his nose with his sleeve when he felt it was runny, knowing that he was going to get sick because of the cold he had to stay in.

“But I couldn't find an answer. We sleep together, you kiss me, we spend time together, we go on dates? Or will you get angry now because I call them dates? I don't really care. What was I saying? Oh yeah. You get jealous if someone accidentally looks at me, you make it my problem, you make me feel bad about myself because of it. But when I do it, I'm crazy and insecure. You hate my friends but I have to put up with yours.

You hate my job, you think it's the silliest thing in the universe and that it's not "real work," but you absolutely enjoy all the advantages of it.”

The amount of situations that played out before his eyes made him feel sorry for himself.

"You sleep with other people. You tell me every time I find evidence of it that it's none of my business because we're not in a relationship and that you can sleep with whoever. But when I do it, I'm a slut. My-”

He had to stop for a few seconds, his tongue was suddenly heavy and the lump in his throat was painful. His eyes fell to the ground instead of Axel, and all the confidence he had was gone in an instant.  

"My brother died. You got angry at me. Called me spoiled because I didn't get over it quickly.”

It was one of the moments that broke him, broke something in him to the point where he didn't know how to fix it afterward. Because in the first days after Regulus' death, Axel changed in a shocking way. He treated him as if he was the most precious thing in his life. It reminded him of the beginning of whatever was between them, Axel following him around the university, caring about every detail of his life, giving him all the attention. But after the first week, boredom with his condition appeared clearly on Axel's features, who did not seem as enthusiastic about consoling Sirius as he had been for the first several days.

Returning to his old characteristics, which made Sirius face everything alone. They did not speak for three weeks at that time. He did not see Axel's face during that period. When he visited Sirius in the end, all he told him was that he was pathetic and spoiled because he had not returned to his life yet, that life is like this, people die. What will he do when the rest of them die?

“I-I can't be with you, Sirius.” 

He wanted to laugh, until his stomach hurt. Then cry for hours. But he just froze. Because he realized at that moment how many years he had wasted with this person.

Sirius promised himself that he would not repeat the same mistakes again. To find himself at the age of thirty-four with someone who tells him that he cannot be with him. After seven years of throwing his dignity on the ground, forgiving and ignoring all the signs.

“Is this a new fact you discovered, or did you intentionally waste seven years of my life?” 

He won't cry, he won't do it. He would do it later while alone, for hours if he wanted, but he would not forgive himself if he cried now in front of Axel, who had begun to approach him.

"You don't know how much I love you. I do. I-I don't like what I've become. What I made you become. I lied to myself for years that it would be okay but it won't.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“I-I can't be with a man. My family won't accept it. I can't do this to them. They gave me everything. I Can't not do the only thing they ever wanted from me.” 

It took him long seconds to comprehend the words, until he felt Axel's palms around his face, perhaps his worst action yet. He suffered for years with this man because he was not a woman. Everything he experienced, everything that felt like revenge against him, was really revenge. For being a man.  

“They will enjoy playing with you and then throw you away for the first woman that their family and community approve of.”  

His mother's words rang in his mind along with her disgusted look at him when she found him in a "shameful" situation for the first time with a boy. Even though she completely hid it from his father, she couldn't look at him the same way afterward.

“But I love you Sirius. I really do.” 

Love is never enough. His brother said once.

Only love will not help a relationship continue. Love is easy, but respecting the person you love is more important.

He was not respected in this one. 

Sirius swore he wouldn't make the same mistake And maybe it was the time to quit love because it always made him feel worse.

Some people just weren't made for it and he was one of them.

So when Remus hugged him goodbye at the end of the day, despite the warmth and comfort he felt he knew this didn't have to grow into anything else. Having this wonderful person he accidentally discovered as a friend was enough.

Friends were good, keeping them in your life was almost possible.

Almost.

Because when he laid eyes on James for the first time in more than a year, he felt as if the entire world stopped around him. He seemed much older. His hair, which had always been messy in a way that you could not control, was not there. It was much shorter to the point where you could not see its curls. No glasses. And a light beard.  

The screaming of the crowd around him as the countdown to Pandora's appearance began brought him back to reality at that moment and he ignored James as he entered. He greeted the rest and Pandora appeared on the stage a minute later, making the audience's screams ring in his ears.

His eyes fell on Dorcas, who preferred to stay in the corner, a cup in her hand, sipping from it every minute. And then he realized when was the last time they talked. He went towards her until he stood next to her. They both watched Pandora on the stage with her wide smile, her hair scattered in waves around her, and a white dress, singing.  

"Sirius."  

"Dorcas.”

Their eyes met at that moment, and Dorcas's rigid features turned into a smile, a real one reflected in her eyes.  

"How are you?"  

She asked. He smiled too, opening his arm to hug her to his side, 

"Fine. Really."  

Dorcas shook her head, wrapping her free hand around his waist, so they could stay like that while watching Pandora on the giant screens.

“God that's a good song.” 

Dorcas laughed while shaking her head to the melodies and Pandora's voice.

I hope you never fall in love again

I hope you be yourself and lose your friends

I hope they call you out for shit you said

I hope you're miserable until you're dead

"So you two really broke up?"  

“Yes. The fucker wants to find a woman to marry and have ten children for his parents.”

“Is it the right time to say that we all hated him?”

“You're a little bit late. Regulus told me he wanted to punch him in the face after their first interaction.” 

Dorcas' smile widened as she leaned her head against his shoulder.  

“He always knew people's truths from a glance.” 

Sirius smiled, it was true. His eyes traveled to the other side of the tent, landing on Regulus, his ghost as he always tried to remind himself. Smiling while watching him as well. 

Even he seemed at peace. Happy because he was in the wind where all his loved ones were. Watching them.

Looking at Evan and Barty who were in the front, Evan hugging Barty to his chest, Barty singing along to Pandora who looked like she's having the time of her life on stage with the biggest smile ever.

Dorcas who watched with a smile as well, shaking her head from time to time, arm still around Sirius’ waist.

Then at James. Always at James. 

Maybe this proved that he carries a shred of Regulus' soul. Because in every life, in every world, Regulus would always look at James like he was the center of his world, everything he knew and didn't know. Everything he dreams of, what he wishes for. In some of them he would be lucky enough to get him, some of them their paths would never cross no matter how hard he tried. And some of them like this one he will be lucky enough, but not for long.

James has always been the lucky one between him and Sirius. 

It was a thought that Sirius was embarrassed to think about sometimes. It seemed like he was biting the hand that reached out to help. Jealous of his friend sometimes because of his life, which often seemed perfect.

But there were moments where you could see things you couldn't normally see. Like the nights when Sirius would wake up and his eyes would fall on James, who would be lying on his bed, watching the ceiling without any movement. Or when he sees him from afar talking with someone he knows, with the biggest smile you have ever seen, only to fall immediately when the person turns his back to him.

This James he didn't know well, a lot of changes happened to him. It seemed as if the person appearing in those rare moments became constantly in control.

But it seemed familiar. In one moment. Two years ago, James sat on a bench in the hospital hallway, hands folded in his lap, watching the ceiling.

He did not move, he rarely blinked, and the sounds of his breathing were quiet. There was nothing behind those eyes. nothing.

Many of the details may have been missed by Sirius, who did not remember how to move even his feet that day, but it was the turning point.  

To James, who was no longer patient, hoping that everything would be resolved with time.

Pandora sat in the middle of the stage, one foot on top of the other. The music changed after the end of the last song. The audience suddenly quieted, and Sirius's attention returned to the giant screen that showed Pandora, who raised the speaker to her lips to begin singing.

For an instant, it seemed as if Sirius' entire world froze. And Regulus no longer stood where he was, nor at any point where Sirius' eyes fell.

I hope you know I'm sorry 

That I'm not with you right now.

Can't pick up when you call me 

Can't hear it through the clouds.

Many eyes and cameras were on him, as if they were waiting for a reaction from him, for him to do something that would please them, like a tragic play that has been boring for a while.

Because they have always been elephants in the circus, doing their best throughout their lives to please the audience. It was the reason for the ruin of their lives from the beginning, the reason he lost his brother, his entire family, and his best friend.

And Sirius was perfect for the role, he was the original. Orion's first invention. The invention that Orion always looked at with regret because he knew its potential, had it not been for Sirius' tongue and his ugly behavior that made people repel him.

The music never stoppin’

And the lights never turn on

The scenes are all in molly 

And you're talking shit with God

Sirius was used to all of this. But James wasn't. James felt like he couldn't breathe for seconds as he listened to Pandora's voice.

A voice in his mind shouted at him to control himself because of the number of eyes that were on him. Acting his role perfectly. Because he was a man affected by the memory of the passing of someone with whom he had no more than friendship with.

Someone who would see him by chance sometimes at award ceremonies, someone who would attend Sirius' concerts by coincidence on the same day with him because he was their special person.

Not the love of his life. The one who occupied every part of him without mercy. Regulus was more than someone he had known for years. He was everything. Still is everything.

The hand that landed on his shoulder made him freeze. It took several seconds for his mind to process Sirius who was standing next to him, his eyes still on Pandora. But his tug on James' shoulder was a clear message. Get your shit together.

What if I can't get in

How will I see you again 

What if I can't get in

How will I see you again 

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath when he felt Sirius's head resting on his shoulder above his hand. It was a play he started with ease, the sad brother who misses his brother and is trying to take strength from his best friend.

Sirius always had his back. Always took the spotlight when it was too much. He knew him more than he knew himself. 

Every time he felt like he was the loneliest person in the universe, Sirius was there. Every time he watched the ceiling for hours at night, Sirius got up from his bed, approaching James' with sleepy eyes, trying to find a place to squeeze himself into.

He hugs him to his chest with a frightening force that makes James almost suffocate, but makes him feel safe at the same time. It makes him realize who he is, and the limits of his body, so he can sleep easily at that time, with a completely empty mind.

Pandora preferred to celebrate her birthday at her home after the concert. Despite her obvious fatigue, the moment she entered her house with everyone, the smile on her lips widened, hand in hand with Xenophilus. Luna was at her grandparents' house for the night, and preparations for a late dinner were being made in the garden. There was only them, no other people. James couldn't remember the last time he was together with all of them like this.

"James."  

Dorcas stood in front of James, who was busy choosing his drink, humming as proof that he was listening to her as he poured himself a drink.  

"I need to tell you something, because you're definitely going to hear about it tonight."  

“Evan mentioned a book.”

"I'm getting someone to write a book about Regulus. It's already started."  

James's hand stopped in the middle before the glass reached his lips to finally look at Dorcas.

“Do whatever you want.” 

“James, I need you to be a part of this.”

“No.” 

James's answer was stern, leaving Dorcas behind, heading outside to the garden where everyone gathered around the dinner table. Pandora's voice was clear, 

"My God, he's so sweet. He didn't know how to deal with me. Every time I told him something sad, he was filled with tension because he didn't know what to do to console me.”

Pandora's hands were on her face, a bright smile on her lips as she spoke to Sirius, who was smiling as well.

“Is that why he suddenly called me and told me he wanted to give me a hug?”

“was it on 18th April?” 

Sirius took his phone out of his pocket to check what was going on, and then his smile widened, 

"Yes."  

"God, this is so adorable.”

Pandora snatched the phone from Sirius' hands and Sirius allowed her to do so, it was nothing strange.

“Sirius, this is literally your dream man.” 

Pandora was browsing through their conversations, a warmth suddenly filling Sirius' chest.

“What are you guys talking about?” 

Barty asked as he sat down across from them, 

"Look at this one. Isn't he ideal for Sirius?” 

Pandora showed the phone to Party, who picked it up, observing the picture, then his eyes moved to Sirius, then to the picture.  

"He is. Is he tall?”

"He is. I can barely reach his chest."  

Pandora answered while trying to describe with her arms.

“How the fuck do you guys even know my type?” 

Sirius asked as he took his phone off and placed it on the table.  

"We just know that you like them ugly and spoiled by their mamas. So years ago we started a project trying to find someone perfect for you.”

“We even signed you up for Raya.” 

“You just need to know that you sexted with a couple of people because we had bets about them.” 

“The next time you see Austin in an award show try to act like you've seen his dick.” 

Sirius was shocked.  

"What are you talking about?" Evan joined them to sit next to Barty, wrapping his arm around his shoulders.  

"We are telling Sirius about project S.Y.O.D.A.” 

Pandora didn't wait until Sirius asked the meaning to answer.

“Suck your own dick Axel.” 

“How did I not know about any of this?” 

“We didn't want to tell you anything until we found someone but we didn't so it never came up. And you were so blinded with that fucker to even see the potential in other people.” 

The conversation was interrupted when Sirius' phone vibrated on the table and he immediately stood up without thinking, turning away from the rest so that he could answer. "Do we really trust his taste after the last one?"  

Evan asked boredly as he watched Sirius, who answered his phone with a smile. But Pandora's soft gaze and relaxed features did not change.  

“I have a feeling this one is different.”

Chapter Text

Dorcas was in a state where she preferred dreams to reality. Sometimes life was too harsh for her to bear the weight on her shoulders.

Every conscious moment she spent seemed to hurt someone she cared about. 

Maybe it was her new entity's obsession. Hurting those you love. Not thinking about their feelings and how her decisions will affect them. Maybe this was all the result of two years of guilt that had built up inside her to the point of almost drowning her.

So dreams were better. Comfortable.

Dreams were the only way to meet her mother, who died when she was young. Her mother, who smiled widely when she saw her, took her in her arms entering their house. No one else from her family was present, neither her father nor her siblings. Perhaps this pleased Dorcas, who was receiving her mother's full attention.

Her mother who cooks for her, who changes her clothes, who does her hair. She always loved the way her mother styled her hair, sometimes braiding it. Her father didn't know how to do it like her mother. Going to the salon always gave her beautiful braids, but she missed her mother's touch.

She always loved her hair because it was the thing her mother loved most about her as well. Even when she was growing up, she saw girls who made fun of her hair, touched it without permission, compared it to a bird’s nest, and worse things. The matter did not affect her because it was the most valuable thing to her, the only thing she inherited from her mother.

She loved her culture, her family history, all their customs and traditions. Going to a school where there wasn't a lot of diversity was a bit upsetting because she couldn't find a friend who understood this. A friend who did not find her different in this aspect is not strange or disgusting as some people do. There were a lot of mean people. But there were good people as well, who tried to understand it, but even when there was good intention, sometimes the frequent observation of differences and treatment as if the “different” nature of your hair or skin was something special and wonderful was as bad as the insults.

Not being white was something that others had to mention every time as if it were a wonderful achievement, one that you should be extra proud of. She hated this more than anything because even if the treatment based on her skin color was good, just treating her differently seemed racist to her as well, which angered her even more.

So when she met Regulus she didn't expect much from him. From a famous white boy who everyone treats as if he were a god, one who does not attend for most of the year.

He did not talk to anyone. Never bothered to listen. Always sleepy with headphones on. 

So when she saw him talk to someone in the hallway with a smile on, leaning against a locker in front of a new girl she knew about Because the principal called her to his office on the day the girl transferred as a clear message that the school contained people “similar to her.”

“You're both African so I thought having a familiar face would help.” 

Said the principal with the biggest smile. 

“I'm Saudi Arabian.” 

The girl said. And Dorcas didn't even bother to correct him. 

Seeing someone trying to talk to Reema wasn't strange, but Dorcas hated it because everyone was talking to her because she was one of the "different ones."  

Perhaps because it was the first time they saw a Muslim girl who did not wear a hijab, so the ridiculous questions began about why she was not wearing it if she was a Muslim. She could easily see Reema getting tired and bored with the questions.

So seeing Regulus talking to her made something inside her explode and a strange feeling of protection took over her towards Reema as she turned towards them with the most threatening eyes she possessed.

“What do you want, Black?” 

They both looked towards her, and the smile on Reema's lips did not shock her. It was the same smile that occupied every girl who saw Regulus or met her eyes with him.  

“Dorcas! He was welcoming me.” 

“Since when do you even talk to people?” 

Dorcas’ eyes never left Regulus who didn't even blink. Then he returned his eyes to Reema. To talk to her and then leave. But Dorcas did not understand a word.

"I was shocked. He doesn't look like he's Middle Eastern.”

“What are you talking about? He's French.” 

“He's half Lebanese. He just told me. And his Arabic is perfect so he can't be lying.” 

It was the first time she saw Regulus smile. 

Several days before she saw him crying.

He was in the library, she saw him by chance, sitting with his back against the wall, in a dark corner that not many people could see.

Something was different, and perhaps that was what made her move forward until she sat next to him, not speaking a word, just sitting.

Seconds, minutes, long minutes, until he finally spoke even though Dorcas did not expect him to.  

"My brother ran away from home.”

Dorcas always had a sense of protection for anyone she saw suffering even a little. It was something she was used to because she was the older sister in a house where there was no mother and father who worked all the time to earn a living. Perhaps seeing someone so privileged in a state like this shocked her a bit.

But Regulus was never what she thought he was. He was overwhelmed with worries, full of fatigue, and without energy, and yet he had to do millions of things that would destroy any teenager his age.

Perhaps the presence of another person suffering made her feel a sense of belonging as well in the beginning, because she always felt as if life was unfair and made her worry about many things, taking care of two children, a full house, and worrying about money, her studies, and her future at the same time.

So they were two people tired of living side by side.

With time, life began to improve, or rather, she was blind at the time, life was getting better for her, not for Regulus. And when she sat these days and thought about it, life had never been so good for Regulus. He was accepting the truth. He might remain silent to feed her illusions that everything ends with him escaping from his parents and nothing more.

So now instead of her mother she saw him in her dreams, Smiling wide, with eyes full of shine. As if death was the best thing that happened to him. 

And just Like with her mother no one was around except for them and all the attention was on Dorcas who loved that so much even though she was a woman in her late 20s.

They were in their teenage years again, in school, spending their days in a normal and boring way.

“You, Dorcas Meadowes were the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

He would say, and she would cry apologetically a second later, convinced that she was the reason, that he would be alive if she had not pushed him for all of this.

“You were the reason I survived that long.” 

Remus stopped the recorder and let go of the pen from his hand, giving all his attention to Dorcas, who was sitting in front of him. They had been talking for a while. Finishing the Dorcas part was the easiest with Pandora. The Sirius part needed some work. A lot of details were missing, but she knew that Remus didn't force him. To talk, which was the reason for the delay. Dorcas was thankful for this.

“I've been wanting to ask you a question for a while.” 

Remus took the pen back in his hand, the tension evident on his features which assured her that it was not a question she might like.  

"Ask me.”

“I know this from experience, that the people who have spoken to me so far are not the ones…”

Remus fell silent, seeming to retract his decision to ask.  

“Who found him that day?” 

Dorcas completed the question for him.

Silence fell between them. The question wasn't hard to predict, as it was a topic she was forced to remember on Pandora's birthday several days ago.

“Barty did.” 

Chapter Text

Remus was half asleep on his laptop at his mother's house. He didn't prefer to stay in his apartment because Lily, who had returned to her parents' house for a week to celebrate Passover was not there. 

He saw it as an opportunity to stay with his mother for several days and work on the book.

So when his phone next to his head vibrated, he straightened up to look around him first. He was in the living room. His mother had entered her room to sleep hours ago. Finally, his eyes fell on his phone and he rubbed one of them. Seeing Sirius' name shocked him because the hour was late, so he responded immediately.

“Sirius?” 

“Hi.”

“Is everything okay?” 

They had spoken several hours ago, and from what Sirius remembered, he was still at Pandora's house. Sirius had told him several days earlier about his plans for the day, not as if he wouldn't have known this with the number of pictures that filled his Timeline from Pandora's concert.

Maybe because he stared at them for a long time, replaying the videos more than once, analyzing every detail of any image that came out in front of him.

“Yeah. It's nothing I'm sorry for calling so late.” 

Remus stood up, closed his computer and took his cane in hand.  

"You can call me whenever you want, you know that. I'll always listen." The silence on the other end lasted for long seconds.  

"Really?"  

"Yes. I like hearing you talk.”

“Can I… come to see you?” 

Remus could hear his heartbeat with his ears so he moved the phone slightly away from his ear for fear that by some miracle Sirius would hear as well.  

"Yes. But I'm at my mother's house now. It's a little further away."  

"I don't care. I'll come. If that's okay?"  

"More than okay. I will send you the address.”

The call ended then, and Remus felt a tension that he did not remember the last time he felt while looking at everything around him. Something inside him wanted to clean the entire house in the hour it would take Sirius to get here. But he merely scanned the place with his eyes to see if it was acceptable and sat down again, absently watching his laptop screen.

He tried to complete even a little of his work until he heard the sound of the wheels of a car that stopped outside. He got up again, forgetting even his cane this time. His mother would have scolded him for this, but he did not care as he headed towards the front door to open it and saw Sirius, who got out of his car at that moment, closing the door and the car. His eyes fell on Remus at that moment. He stopped there for a few seconds, his hands fiddling with the car key. 

He was still wearing the clothes he was wearing in the concert. Perhaps it was the first time he had seen Sirius with his hair down in reality. And his heart somehow longed for the star clips he loved to use. 

Remus felt like a teenager at the moment, not a twenty-eight year old man. Trying to sneak a boy into his house without his parents knowing.

Sirius approached him with somewhat quick steps and all Remus could do was open his arms to take Sirius between them. His heart was beating so fast that he wanted to stop it for fear of Sirius hearing, who buried his face in his chest and wrapped his arms around his waist.

But he tightened his arms around him, as if trying to bury Sirius in his chest forever, burying his face in his hair. It felt right, this was right, this was his place, that every decision he made in his life was right because it led him here. 

Remus didn't want to break the embrace, Sirius didn't look like he had any intention of doing so. So he only stepped back with cautious steps, Sirius following him, his face still buried in Remus's chest, his arms tightening around his waist as well especially after Remus moved one of his arms away so he could close the door.

Only then did Sirius break the embrace, hiding his face with his hands. Remus' hands on his shoulders.  

"I'm sorry. It's all ridiculous. And I bothered you in the middle of the night. I should really go.”

“What? No! You're not going anywhere. Come in.” 

Just then, Sirius straightened up, pulling his hands away from his face so he could see everything around him. Remus took several steps back, giving Sirius some space, who bent down to remove his shoes.

And Remus found himself smiling at that until Sirius stood up again and raised an eyebrow at Remus, but a similar smile occupied her lips. 

“What?”

"Nothing. It's just that you did it without me telling you."  

"You don't know my teta. If you dare to enter her house with outside shoes, she will disown you.”

Remus laughed as he turned around so he could go to the couch with Sirius, who followed him, but suddenly the steps stopped and Remus looked over his shoulder at Sirius, who stood in front of the wall that was filled with many pictures. He stood next to Sirius. 

"This is your grandfather?"  

Asked Sirius who pointed to a black and white photograph, there were several, but they were very few compared to the rest. The picture was full of cracks, of a standing child smiling to whoever was taking the picture.

"No. My grandfather's little brother. We don't know what happened to him. He went missing on the day my grandfather's village was attacked. When he arrived at the camps in Syria, he tried to search for him and ask around, but he found no trace."  

Remus explained, pointing at another picture, of a couple on their wedding day.  

"These are my grandparents.”

Sirius watched the picture that Remus pointed at intently. It was like the others, full of cracks. Even more than the rest.  

“He kept this picture in his pocket for years. My mother told me that it was my father who took it out of his jacket pocket after he died and hung it.”  

“Your grandmother...didn't survive?”

“She died several days after giving birth to my father in a refugee camp in Syria.” 

Remus pointed to another picture, "My father." The photo was in the back garden. His father and grandfather were in the picture, both smiling at the camera. His mother took it while they were busy tending to the trees.

"You look more like your mother."  

Sirius looked at him this time, more like checking if what he said was really true.

“What was your dad's name? I don't think you ever mentioned it.” 

“Iyall.” 

“That's… an interesting name?”

“Originally, it was Layal. But those responsible for translating his papers ruined it when he migrated, so it remained that way. And my Grandfather thought he will fit in better with it like that.” 

“Seems like your dad had the same ideas as him.”

“Yeah. He did.” 

Remus's eyes fell on another picture, of his father sitting on the couch with the two-year-old Remus hugging him, a book in his father's hand.

“What about you?” 

Sirius' question made Remus look at him, and all he saw were prominent silver eyes amidst thick black lashes, watching him intently.  

“What about me?” 

“Will you raise your kid to be ashamed too?” 

The breath caught in Remus's chest as his lips parted, but no sound came from between them. As for Sirius, he crossed his arms over his chest, giving one last glance at the wall to look at Remus after.

Perhaps Sirius contained some force that saw through humans. The reason for the hardness of those eyes that leave an impression on you from the slightest glance.

Or maybe Remus was so easy to read, but so forgotten that he thought the whole world wouldn't understand his complexity because no one looked at him for more than two seconds.

“What are you trying to do, Sirius?” 

“Understand what you are afraid of.” 

At that moment, Remus missed his cane, feeling his nails digging into the inside of his palm. Knuckles became under the gaze of Sirius who nodded, bringing his arms back to his sides as if he'd expected all of this. It was as if he had witnessed this scene millions of times, and it ended in the same way every time.

“Wanting something I don't deserve.” 

The matter never made sense to Remus, his fear of that area, his feeling that giving anyone a chance would waste the other party's time and nothing more because he is not the person you should choose thinking about your future. Because he was never perfect. From the first time he held feelings for anyone in his heart until this moment. Where he looks into the eyes of perhaps the biggest spoil that may appear before him in his entire life.

“Is…is it me? The thing you don't deserve?” 

Remus didn't answer but it was clear, it was all written down.

“Because I was thinking the same thing. Me not deserving you.” 

“Sirius.” 

“I told myself that over and over, even on my way here. But you hugged me and I realized that the only time I find myself breathing without feeling like my world is falling apart is in your arms.” 

“Sirius.” 

“And I'm so tired of always choosing the wrong choice. I'm tired of you ruining my life. From not feeling happy, from every time I try to change, to be a better person, one who deserves good things, to end up failing. But with you it just feels so right.” 

For a moment, it seemed as if his entire world had calmed down, as if the planets had stopped rotating in their paths and the sun had exploded, allowing the world to live the last eight minutes and twenty seconds of peace before perishing when he felt Remus' hands that warmly surrounded his jaw and the lips that embraced his.

He felt as if the entire world had been created just for this moment, with his soul blossoming for the first time in his entire life. He always thought that God did not create anyone for him. Believed will be the torch that lights the entities others, lighting the way for them to find the body that possesses half their soul.

But now it seemed as if every belief he believed in was just heresy. Everything he ever felt burned to make room for a new flame, one that wouldn't boil his blood and hurt his muscles and bones. 

Pandora didn't move from her place for a long time, everyone was silent. Frozen in place. Neither of them knew how a peaceful evening turned into a war zone, especially for Sirius, who was sipping his drink one moment and looking at James with a look that no one had ever seen in another after one of them mentioned a detail that no one even remembers now.

The voices between the two rose with a fierce spark that no one expected. Ending up leaving, each in their own way.

"We should go."  

"Yeah, me too.”

Evan, Barty, and Dorcas all got up at the same moment with the intention of leaving, but a bang against the table from her head and Pandora's angry voice stopped them. 

“Sit down.” 

The three exchanged glances between themselves and then at Xenophiles, who was sitting next to Pandora, placing his hand on her shoulder with clear concern on his features.

Barty, who sat down first, took one of the bottles and poured himself a glass, followed by the two sitting down.

At that moment, Pandora got up, placing both hands on her waist, walking back and forth.

"I hate you. All of you. I'm tired of seeing you destroying yourself little by little. I'm tired of being separated. You!"  

She pointed towards Barty and Evan, 

"You left! Suddenly! Without giving me any time! Without giving me a chance to accept it and get used to it! You told me of your departure on the day of your fucking plane!”

Then she looked towards Dorcas, bringing her hand back to her side. Her angry eyes suddenly filled with tears, clearly sad.  

"And You. You ignored me for months. You didn't even open the door for me when I came to your doorstep and waited for hours.”

Tears started to stream down her cheeks, and the trembling of her lips was evident.

“You all... erased him. Or are you still trying to erase him? Whenever I mention his name, you make me feel as if I had committed a great sin because I had not forgotten him yet. You look at me like I'm crazy because I didn't bury him in the deepest part of me like you did!

Because I choose to remember the good parts, To teach my daughter that there was a person in this world who loved her so much that he did not want to leave without telling her how much he loved her. 

He has been-he is a huge part of my life! Our life! What he did, I will never forgive him for all my life, even in the afterlife. When I see him, I will slap him as hard as I can but…” 

Pandora stopped speaking, both of her hands were trembling before her eyes as she gathered them above her stomach, looking at them again 

"I don't want to forget him. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be just a name that is mentioned every ten years and then forgotten but it started. I can't even remember his favorite food. I can't remember the last time we met. The last time we laughed. I'm starting to forget his face.” 

Her voice broke at the end, as if it was the most painful part.

"And I need you. Now. Because Reggie was there with Luna but he's not here right now. And I can't bring another kid to this life without most of my family." 

James stood in front of the door, memorizing every detail, every line. The keys between his fingers and their weight were once beloved to him, with memories of him inserting the key into the hole with enthusiasm and a wide smile, not wanting to wait for any more moment to enter.

But now he felt as if the metal was burning his palm, and his hand seemed numb so he raised it with difficulty so that he could open the door. The hall was empty, there were only two apartments on the entire floor, so he did not care if anyone saw him as he finally opened the door to be greeted by darkness.

His mind returned to a time that began centuries ago. He could see everything as if it were a movie he was watching, with the same jealousy and envy every time. To himself, the twenty-four-year-old, as he opened the door with a wide smile to a bright apartment, where he could hear voices, music, humming, life.  

Then his eyes fell on Regulus, who immediately raised his head, abandoning everything he had on his hands, and went towards James, who immediately closed the door, leaving his bags unattended, opening his arms for Reggie to enter between them. They couldn't see each other for months, and the last time they were able to talk was two weeks before that day.

Regulus was able to escape for several days as a vacation after finishing filming a new movie outside the country. His father did not care much about it because he was busy with his father's death, which forced him to return to France for the funeral and several other matters.

"Did you cut your hair!?"  

Was the first thing Regulus said with a raised eyebrow and insult evident on his face. James laughed.

“They forced me for an awards ceremony. But I fought with all my might to save as much as I could.” 

Regulus twisted his mouth, eyebrows furrowed and fingers running through James's locks, which were shorter than he remembered, although the difference was not obvious. But Regulus frowned again.  

“You know I love your hair.” 

“I know baby I'm sorry.” 

James watched the scene from his place, his hand raised towards his head, feeling the short strands were much shorter than they were then. He didn't even remember when he cut it, and how he kept doing it for two years. To the point where he couldn't remember what he looked like without this haircut.

His hand went towards the light and he finally opened it and closed the door behind him after taking out the key. The place was clean, nothing had changed since the last time he was here.  

He watched every wall, every antique, every painting, and with every glance another memory played before his eyes and with every step he almost swore he could still hear the echo of the voices from the past.

When his eyes fell on the television, he stopped, the keys fell from his hand, and he looked towards the cabinet located under the television, then went towards it, kneeling until he opened one of its doors and found what he was looking for.

He sat on the floor, taking the CD. And the remote control for the television, it seemed as if his body was moving on its own and his mind stopped thinking until the CD was played on the screen.

The first thing that appeared was Sirius's face, with his tongue out in full focus as he tried to steady the camera.  

“Jamie and Reggie's wedding day take one and no there will be no other takes because I'm too fucking lazy and you guys are too cheap you didn't even think about hiring a photographer or someshit.” 

Sirius pulled away slightly to show most of his body, which also showed Regulus who was sitting in the middle of the bed watching Sirius, a mud mask on his face.

“Remind me who invited you?” 

Sirius smiled sweetly, 

"Oh Reggie, we both know you wouldn't have agreed to today if I didn't come."  

Sirius leaned down, hugging Regulus tightly, who tried to escape with loud voices of protest, 

"Get away from me!”

The shot ended and moved to another, which showed Pandora who was in front of a semi-open door. You could see James behind it, 

"I swear to fucking god, James, if you don't get out of here, I will kick your ass so hard! Sirius! Where the fuck are come get this fucking idiot!” 

The one holding the camera, who was clearly Barty by the sound of his laughter, moved the camera towards Evan, who was sitting next to him, watching the whole scene boredly, then looked towards the camera and whispered, 

“One would think that after she became a mother, she would stop fucking cursing so much.”

“Pandora! I haven't seen him today! Come on!” 

The camera pans to Regulus, who has just emerged from the bathroom, after his shower with his wet hair and new clothes.  

"What’s happening?"  

He asked with a raised eyebrow as he moved towards the door to stand behind Pandora. The smile was almost evident on his lips when he saw James, 

"Hi.”

Pandora moved away from the door with obvious annoyance, and James's wide smile was very evident as he immediately hugged Regulus, burying his face in his wet hair.  

"Hey firefly, I wanted to see you. God, you smell amazing.”

The annoyance on Pandora's face turned into a tender smile, raising her hands in surrender as she sat on the bed.

“I told you all the effort would be in vain, Pan.”

Sirius appeared from behind James who was still hugging Regulus, a cup full of ice cream in his hands.

Regulus' eyes immediately turned to the ice cream and Sirius handed him the extra spoon he had in his hand.

“You are heartless for a decision like this in the first place. If you count the number of days I was able to see this beautiful face in the last five years, it will not exceed a year, and you want to deprive me even more!?”  

Said James cupping Regulus' face as he put a spoon full of ice cream into his mouth. His back against James' chest.

“Ice cream?” 

asked Regulus, who raised the spoon towards James' mouth this time. James immediately opened his mouth.

“That's disgustingly sweet.” 

Barty's voice came from behind the camera. 

Another shot, you can see Dorcas smiling brightly in her green silk dress, little Luna in her arms, who was in a white dress and a flower crown that fell from the first second.

Evan entered the shot, taking the crown from the ground and placing it on Dorcas' head this time. Who could not refuse even because both her hands were busy with the little girl, who started laughing when she saw her uncle.

Regulus also appeared, bending down so he could kiss Luna's cheek deeply. She began waving her hands and laughing more. He then kisses Dorcas on the cheek as well, looking at the camera, 

"My flower girls."  

He said, returning to the mirror to finish getting ready with Barty, who helped him by styling his hair from the back.

Another shot, James is clearly visible, tying his tie in front of the mirror, you can see Peter in the corner using a lint roller on James’ suit Jacket before giving it to him. 

The camera moved to Marlene lying on the bed. She was also ready, smiling and waving at the camera and giving it the finger after.

“That's for you Sirius.” 

“Fuck you, Marls.” 

Sirius spoke from behind the camera.

“By the way, I am the ring bearer!”  

Marlene spoke excitedly as she got up. 

James appeared behind her, hugging her shoulders.  

"The cutest ring bearer."  

“She threatened that she would expose the wedding if it wasn’t her.”  

Peter, who stood on the other side of Marlene, spoke.

"True, but we were going to give her the task anyway because she's short.”

“Suck a dick, James.” 

“I mean...” 

“Hey! We talked about this! No details while I'm around!” 

The camera showed their feet for several seconds.

Another shot, but it was of James and Regulus alone, 

"Sirius told us to just talk?"  

Said Regulus, looking in the mirror, checking his appearance.  

"You look breathtaking, Reggie."  

spoke James who had his hands tucked into his pants pockets, watching Regulus from the beginning. Regulus, who looked at James at that moment, straightened up.  

"And you look hot as fuck."  

James laughed, taking his hands out of his pockets and wrapping them around Regulus' waist, who smiled brightly.

“Form today until the rest of our lifes.” 

“It's cute that you think death can get you out of this marriage.” 

Chapter Text

Barty doesn't feel like a human most days.

It's like watching a play where there is no one present but you sitting in the first rows, but you can see yourself from the stage at the same time. You both have the same face, the same character, the same movements. But you don't feel life going on, the principle of time doesn't seem convincing anymore.

Or like a dream, you are present in it but you cannot control it, and everything that happens, no matter how normal, seems very strange.

You're living your life, doing everything normal in your routine but it all doesn't seem real to you.

It's like getting drunk, but you're fully conscious at the same time.

And it comes in fits and starts. You don't know when or how it starts, you may be the happiest person to ever walk the earth, and suddenly everything stops.

"The mind will do anything to protect you. Sometimes with things that don't seem logical like this. Something so horrific happened that your mind went into survival mode to protect you."  

His therapist told him. It seemed logical.

He had a complete routine, routines made him feel better. Many things are forbidden to him as well. No alcohol, no medications without his doctor’s permission, no stressful situations that might put pressure on his mind. The most important thing is to stay away from the cause. 

He loved physical activities, anything that made him use his body. Fatigue and stress on his muscles after exercise were among the things that always reminded him that he's alive.

And Evan was perfect. Always there, his efforts to understand Barty were perhaps the only motivation for him to try to be better.

At first he would find Evan searching for hours for all the information, reading article after article, swearing that Evan had talked to his therapist more than him, always full of questions.

He was the one who forced Barty to follow a routine in the beginning instead of sinking into bed for days. Which caused many quarrels to occur between them, quarrels after which Barty would not have blamed Evan if he decided to leave him. Because he was like a child. He cannot take care of himself. 

Evan would leave after the fight, leaving Barty to go back to bed, watching an imaginary point in the wall for hours. But he always came back.

He always came back, taking Barty in a hug, apologizing even if it wasn't his fault. Barty would start crying because he felt guilty, because he was too much. Because Evan didn't even had the chance to grief his loved one for fear of losing another.

Pandora's words occupied his mind for hours, even after everyone had left and they entered their room. They both preferred to stay with Pandora and Xenophiles because they did not plan to stay long in the first place.

He was in front of the mirror brushing his teeth. Evan was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He was worried about the glass of alcohol that Barty drank at dinner, perhaps angry at him for doing it.

"You can yell at me if you want."  

"Not gonna do that.” 

Barty dried his face and turned around to watch Evan. He wasn't even looking at him, but at the ground, his fingers playing with each other.

Barty moved towards him and stopped in front of him, between Evan's thighs, who separated his hands from each other to raise his head towards Barty, who cupped his face with his palms.  

"We should stay.”

Evan's hands were around his waist. He nodded.

“We can stay for another two weeks.”  

But Barty shook his head both ways.  

"I mean permanently.”

Evan's eyes widened, with parted lips that made Barty smile as he ran his fingers through Evan's hair, pushing the messy strands away from his forehead.  

"Pan is going to need help. With Luna and the new baby...I know it's hard for you. Leaving them for so long to come back and see a lot of changes.”

Evan's face in the first days of their return as he watched Luna, who had grown since the last time he saw her, occupied Barty's mind for seconds.

"What about Asia? You've been planning this trip for months."  

But Barty just shrugged.  

“We can go in the future with the girls.”

“B-”

“Evan.” 

Barty immediately interrupted him, sighing and raising his head to the ceiling to take a deep breath and return his gaze to Evan, Smiling again.  

"I'm tired of running away. Of trying to erase everything.”

Pandora was right, all of it. It was tiring, all he wanted was to live in peace with the people he loved.

“I don’t want to lose you again.”

Evan was tired too, since the first day of their return. He did not rest for even a second because he felt as if they were in the middle of a minefield. Everything reminded them of the past in some way. He was filled with fear that they would be back to square one again.

Barty felt him every night, watching him for hours, as if he was looking for any wrong or unusual detail to start panicking.

“You won't. I will try with all my might, I promise you. Pandora is right. I don't want to forget either.” 

Evan didn't object. It was what he wanted too. Living in instability for two years was enough for both of them. So he just nodded and Barty hugged him to his chest, sighing in relief.

"Reg?"  

Regulus turned his head, looking at Barty, who entered the room and looked forward, watching the sunset again.

“Still mad at them, huh?” 

Regulus didn't answer. Which made Barty come forward and sit across from him.

"It's all for your own good.”

Perhaps Barty was saying the phrases he heard in these situations because he did not know how to talk to Regulus, especially in the last weeks since the trial began. Perhaps Regulus knew this.

“Can you imagine your future?”

Regulus' question in a quiet, almost inaudible tone made Barty think for a moment.  

"Kinda?”

“I can't.” 

“Not even a little?” 

“No.”

Barty got up from his place at that moment, approaching him and inserting himself into the chair that Regulus was sitting on next to him. Which made Regulus sigh in annoyance, but the smile that occupied her lips even though his eyes did not leave the window.

Barty put his arms around him, a similar smile playing on his lips. 

“I'll imagine it for you! Let's see.”

Barty curled his lips in thought when he felt Regulus' head lean against his chest.  

“The first thing we will all do is travel for a long time. We will start with Europe. Then Asia and yeah we will visit the Middle East and not just Dubai. Cairo too maybe?.” 

“Cairo is in Africa.” 

“Whatever. Yeah after all that we all will live on the same street! I was gonna say the same house but that's weird when you are literally married. So we are going to be neighbors.” 

“May God help the rest of the street.”  

"Amen. We're going to be so annoying. What's next? Oh! You're going to go to university like you always wanted. You'll be an old man with a cane by the time you graduate but that doesn't really matter because with your health you're already going to start using a cane soon."  

Barty felt a slap against his arm, but feeling Regulus' smile against his shirt confirmed to him that he knew it was a joke.

"You're going to have kids. We're going to ruin them because they'll be spoiled as fuck. We're going to continue with the plan to find someone better for Sirius because if I have to sit for one more minute with the idiot he's dating, we're going to have to find a place to hide a body. And most importantly…” 

Barty tightened the hug. He wanted to make his friend feel as if they were one body. Nothing can separate them. Because perhaps then he might be convinced by what Barty wanted to say.  

"You will live freely with the person you love for a long time. And we will all be with you to the point that we will end up in the same nursing home. Until the end of our lives.” 

Barty was right about one thing. He was with him until the end of his life.  

But it was not the end he expected. After many decades full of wrinkles and a head full of gray hair.  

Regulus did not die at the age of eighty or ninety, after many years full of happy memories and freedom that he deserved.

He was twenty-four.  

It started with the ten-year-old boy whom Barty met one random day at lunch between their families. and decided at that moment that he would be by his side no matter the cost.

It ended with the moment he entered the bathroom after searching for Regulus throughout the apartment. With the red that covered the water of the bathtub and a body that had not had a soul in it for hours.

“No-”

Barty did not know how he got into the bathtub, using all his strength to pull out Reg, whose head was hanging like all his cold limbs, and they ended up on the ground.  

"No please.”

"You are so loved Reg. I wish I could open your eyes to that truth."  

Barty told him that evening. Then they both watched the sunset in silence. 

"I'm sorry."  

Regulus whispered then, his voice low and trembling. Barty thought it was an apology because he was not convinced by it.

So he just nodded, running his fingers through Regulus' hair, 

"It's okay.”

"No."  

Barty pushed away the wet strands clinging to Regulus' face, but his objection did not change the result, or the blood that stained his wrists and palms and occupied the floor at that moment.

He hugged him tightly to his chest, but this time he was not met with warmth, a slap because of his mean joke, or complaints. because of the small chair. 

He was cold. Very cold.

Chapter Text

Remus wasn't brave. He never made hard choices. He preferred to wait for life to take all his decisions and determine the course of his life, which led him to live a boring life without anything worth remembering.

But it was safe. Because the idea of him making the wrong choice and ruining his life made him panic.

Perhaps it was the first time he chose the unknown path on his own. Which scared him, but it made him feel alive for the first time in a long time.

Seeing Sirius in his childhood room seemed inexplicably right as he sat on the edge of the bed and watched him.

"You play guitar? How did I not know this before?"  

Asked Sirius, who noticed the guitar that was sitting on top of one of the cabinets filled with books, making Remus smile.  

"I don't. It was a gift from my uncle when I was sixteen.” 

“Your uncle doesn't know you much then.” 

“He wasn't on talking terms with my mom until that year.” 

“Because she married your dad?” 

“Yeah.” 

Sirius didn't seem shocked at the reason as he returned his attention to the guitar, raising his hand so he could reach it and take it.

His fingers played with the strings for a few seconds, then he looked towards the door.  

"Your mother can't hear us, right?”

"No. Her room is on the second floor on the opposite side.”

His answer made Sirius sigh in relief and move towards the bed and sit down. He busied himself with tuning the guitar for a while until he smiled contentedly and then looked at Remus. Their eyes met and something flared inside Remus's chest. He needed to remember how to breathe.

"I don't know how you do this."  

"Do what?"  

“tuning. It's what made me give up learning.” 

“You can hear it.” 

“You can. I don't.” 

"Everything has a rhythm. Like your heart. You just need to listen." 

 What Sirius didn't know was that the heart he meant would almost explode between Remus' ribs because of his eyes.

Because Sirius's eyes were a color he had never seen in his life. The silver almost blends with the white. An almost invisible greenish ring hugging his pupils, and a random blue dot on his left pupil, parallel to a mole located below his eyebrow.

“Requests?"  

Asked Sirius, raising his feet to sit cross-legged, guitar still in his embrace.

"Your favorite song."  

"It's not fair. I have a lot of favorite songs." 

 Remus thought for a few seconds as he laid on his back, 

"The first song you learned to play?”

“It's french.” 

“Okay.” 

Sirius looked back at the guitar as if trying to remember the chords.

“You know Dalida right?” 

“Who?” 

Sirius looked back at Remus with a raised eyebrow, insult evident on his features.

“You don't know Dalida.” 

“Should I?” 

“You're telling me you never heard her songs? Even her cover of La vie en rose? No, scratch that you never heard Helwa ya baladi?” 

“I mean…I just discovered who Fairuz is a couple of months ago.” 

Sirius looked horrified by Remus's sentence.

"You didn't know Fairuz?”

"I thought we established that I didn't know anything about that side of me.”

"I didn't know you were that ignorant. And for your information, you cannot say that you do not know Fairuz in front of a Lebanese person. It's Like someone saying they don't know who Freddie Mercury is.” 

“That's not that bad.” 

“Or Bowie.” 

“You take that back!” 

The posters around the room made Remus easy to target, making Sirius smile and shake his head.

“I kinda regret it now.” 

“Regret?”

“Burying that part of me. Not knowing these simple things. Inability to speak or read the language.” 

Remus watched the ceiling, feeling Sirius move, putting the guitar away to lie next to him.  

"I have always convinced myself that I do not need these things to form my identity. That even though I had it in my DNA I don't belong to it. I think it was a slap in the face when I picked up a specific book and found pages describing my situation, which I always thought was complicated, with ease, despite the fact that the only thing we have in common is our backgrounds.” 

“It's never too late.” 

Remus's eyes fell on Sirius, who was also watching him, and a smile occupied his lips when their eyes met.  

"You’re right."  

He whispered for fear of breaking the peaceful silence, concentrating on his details with all freedom that he did not usually allow himself.

What broke the silence was the sound of a phone ringing, which made Sirius sit up at the same moment, taking his phone out of his pocket, furrowing his eyebrows when he saw the caller, and answering immediately, 

“Effie?”

The video was still playing in the background, and James could easily hear it from the living room even though he was in the bedroom. Everything was as it was, nothing moved or changed. Even the things on the bedside tables.

The only change was the loss of the picture that was on his side, but he found it when he opened the drawer and took it while sitting on the bed.

They were much younger, one of the few photos they took. Just observing their details and their wide smile made James feel like an old man at the end of his life remembering a time decades ago. 

He returned the frame to its place on the table and then closed the drawer and went to the other side. Hesitation occupied him. He did not want to touch anything. He felt as if he might erase the last traces. But he opened the drawer, observing the things inside it. What caught his attention was the shiny ring in the corner, so he took it in his hands. The engraving inside was clear, similar to the ring that had not left the chain around his neck.

They couldn't wear them comfortably at all. He couldn't remember a day when the metal saw the sun, always having to take it off, hide it. 

He tried to remember the last time, and the first thing that came to his mind was the moment in the hotel room. James was sitting on the edge of the bed, fiddling with his ring around his ring finger. Regulus was moving around the room, getting ready.  

"James, can you tie it up for me?”

James stood up from his place at that moment, facing Regulus, who stopped in front of him to give him the tie, adjusting his collar first to begin tying it.  

"Thank you."  

Regulus tried to smile when their eyes met, but all that showed was the fatigue that took over his features at the moment because he had not slept even for a second at night.

James couldn't sleep either, which made them lie watching each other for hours on end.  

"What do you want to do the day after tomorrow?"  

James asked in a low voice. But Regulus did not respond, averting his eyes. The atmosphere between them had been tense since the day James refused to appear next to him. It seemed like he didn't want to see his face or talk to him, but he didn't want to stay away at the same time. 

“Are you happy with me?” 

Regulus asked and James felt like drowning.

It was his turn to not answer and Regulus didn't say anything after that, only giving his back to James watching the bathroom door instead for hours. 

Maybe it was the moment that wrote his destiny. Maybe if he had found an answer, his life would have been completely different.

The sound of knocking against the door brought them out of the moment and Regulus, who adjusted his tie in front of the mirror for the last time, turned away and headed towards the door.  

"Regulus."  

Regulus stopped, looking over his shoulder at James.  

"Your ring."  

Regulus's eyes went down to the ring that was around his finger. He raised his hand, taking out the ring and putting it in his pocket, opening the door after that.

And now it was in his hands. Cold, left too long in the dark.

James always believed that everything would have been different if he had met Regulus later. But another voice in his mind convinced him that if he had not met him as a teenager, going with his mother to the set of the same movie with Regulus, he would never have met him at all.

He knew Sirius before, and they had both met in the same way before. He remembered his friend who was standing behind Orion when they met by chance at an auction, warming up to each other quickly while their parents talked.

"Euphemia."  

Orion was a tall man, broad-shouldered, with an upturned nose and sharp eyes that would make anyone who met them freeze for seconds.  

"Orion."  

His mother's tone was cold. She did not seem interested in meeting the man as she sat in her chair, a magazine in her hands, waiting for her turn.

“Trying to convince your boy to follow in your footsteps?”

Orion's silver eyes fell on him for a moment that sent shivers all over his body.

"I'm afraid he finds this profession boring and prefers to follow in his father's footsteps."  

His mother's tone was strange, somewhat defensive.  

"What a shame."  

“You've always been greedy.”  

“You mean diligent?”  

"You talk like you're doing all the work and not your son. How old is he? Sixteen?"  

"Fourteen.”

"Fourteen. And working nine hours a day."  

"What can I say? He's an ambitious boy.”

James noticed the silhouette behind Orion's tall body, and his mother's eyes fell on the same silhouette that moved to stand next to Orion, a boy who could barely reach his father's chest, with headphones covering his ears, and a beanie covering his hair. Fatigue was evident on his shoulders, which were slumped forward, and the bag in his hand seemed heavy, but all that James could focus on was his face.

“I'm read- Good afternoon Mrs. Potter.” 

Regulus addressed Euphemia upon noticing her, only to be met with a genuine smile from the woman who patted his head making him look at his shoes with rosey cheeks all shy. 

Regulus didn't even give him a glance that day, leaving behind his father after putting on his bag, but he occupied James's mind for days afterward.

Even begging his mother to take him with her, her reaction was shock due to the few times he had accompanied her over the past years, complaining all the time about how bored he was.

"Are you happy with me?"

If it were a question you asked fifteen-year-old James after he kissed the boy who occupied his mind in one of the dark corners of the set, he would tell you without hesitation that he is the happiest person in the universe.

What was between them was the most precious thing in James's life. This has not changed for years. His hope for a better ending has not changed for years.  

But he realized that he was looking at everything in garish colors. He realized how much Regulus was protecting him from the ugly facts.

That the same place he saw as the stage where his legendary love story began, was filled with disgusting, desolate things behind closed doors.

With each session, every detail revealed by the lawyers, another piece of glass was broken.

And James discovered how blind he was. How much he was a burden on Regulus who came back every time, not being able to look at James afraid of his reaction.

“Are you happy with me?” 

"I am. I just lost it inside of me, but I will find it again I'm so sure. I will find yours too, I promise.”

James wanted to answer, scream. But he couldn't. Regulus lost hope, and James consoled himself that the day after tomorrow they would have a full life with which he could make up for his failure to answer at that moment.

James got up from his place, the ring still in his hand, and headed towards the closet, opening it. Everything was in its place. There weren't a lot of colors, which made the white cardigan easy to spot. 

The ring was still in his hand, so he looked at it for the last time, put it on the ring finger of his right hand, and returned his focus to the cardigan, taking it in his hands.

He could remember the number of times he had seen Regulus on the sofa in the living room, wearing the cardigan, with messy hair and sleepy eyes, with a cup of coffee.

He loved wearing it when he felt a cool breeze in the air, and he loved it so much because it was a gift from Pandora who knitted it.

It didn't have any smell. Perhaps this is what made James finally break as he sat on the floor hugging the cardigan.

The cardigan lost his scent because James did not come sooner, because he was that much of a coward.

You will regret it.  

His mother told him the day of the funeral when he refused to go.  

You will regret it.  

When he got rid of everything that reminded him of Regulus.  

You will regret it.  

When he couldn't breathe near Sirius because of the almost negligible similarity between them.  

And he did. Took two years but he did.

All he wanted was to see him for the last time even for only a second.

He wanted the last sentence he said to him to be that he loved him more than anything in the world instead of reminding him to take off his ring.

He wanted to tell him that all the thoughts that occupied his mind in his last moments were wrong, because he knew that he thought that his departure would not really be noticed. They may all be sad for several weeks and then forget about him completely.

The door to the room opened, bringing James out of his thoughts, and his eyes fell on Sirius, who looked inside the room with all caution until he noticed James, sighing in relief at the moment.

“Jesus Christ James, that was the worst drive of my life.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

James did not recognize his voice as he tightened his grip around the soft wool. Sirius sighed, both hands on his waist. He took a deep breath and then looked at James again.  

"What I always do.”

James parted with his lips, but all the words remained buried in his chest about the feeling of the arms that surrounded him. Sirius sat next to him, hugging him to his chest so tightly that it almost suffocated James.

But he closed his eyes, accepting his position. His burning eyelids held an ocean of waiting tears.  

"You are very brave Jamie.”

“I'm not.” 

“You are.” 

“N-no you don't understand. It has faded.”

James pulled away from the hug, showing what was between his hands, and as soon as he opened his eyes, tears began to fall. 

“I don't remember what he smelled like.” 

Shame occupied his entire being, the moment he confessed.

His hands were trembling, eyebrows tied, and eyes that never stopped producing tears that began to fall on the cardigan.

How do you claim you love someone if you don't remember something as simple as their smell?

“James.”

“It's all my fault. He would've been here if I said yes when he asked me if I was happy. I-If I agreed to be there with him. He was going through so much and he needed me but I was a coward.” 

“Jam-”

“-And my last words to him? It wasn't I love you, no because telling him to take his fucking ring off was more important than that.” 

“...”

“He wanted me to be by his side, hold his hand. Maybe he was too tired of standing strong by himself that he just wanted me to stand next to him so he could lean on me.

Wanted to show the world that not everything in his life sucked, that there were good parts too. Parts that he's fighting to keep.

But I didn't. I was too fucking scared. I feared what they could twist the last thing that he owns into. His identity was his. The feelings we had for each other were ours only, we kept it safe for years so I thought what a couple of extra months will do? But I didn't get that he needed me there. I didn't understand when I looked into his eyes that he needed me there, closer.” 

James Spent long months trying to figure out when he decided to do it?. Which plan did he make with him knowing he will not be there to fulfill his promises.

He just wanted to know which day Regulus looked at him so boldly with the love and affection distracting James with it knowing he will not have him for enough time to be full of it.

Which moment made him realize, and how could he touch James so easily knowing he would take himself from him and James would envy dirt touching his bones. The closest thing he would ever have is a piece of wool that lost its scent and warmth.

He realized that he didn't really have the ability to read Regulus like he thought. That even though Regulus gave him his heart. His mind was so much darker. He gave him the only untouched piece in him.

Chapter Text

That night was the last meeting in the land of dreams. The first and the last. James, lying on the floor with his head in Sirius' lap, hugging the cardigan, closed his eyes for a few seconds and then opened them to find himself on the side of the road.

In a place he did not know, and a bright sky devoid of clouds. He took his first steps towards the unknown to assume his place the moment his eyes fell on the person standing at the end. 

Regulus watched something across the road, leaning his back against a lamppost, his palms tucked into the pockets of his long jacket, his hair was longer, touching his shoulders and hugging his face.

With a glance, he found himself standing next to Regulus, following what was happening on the opposite side of him, but all he saw was endless darkness.

"In any universe. Whenever our paths cross, it does not end well.”

“Yeah?” 

Regulus finally looked at him at that moment and smiled, 

"Yeah.”

James smiled as well, taking in a shaky breath.  

"None of them have a happy ending?"  

"No."  

"Don't we have happy moments?"  

"We do."  

"That's enough then.”

“A few moments for a lifetime of suffering?”  

“One second with you would have been enough.” 

Their eyes did not leave each other, and the smile that occupied Regulus' lips widened.  

"You love me that much?”

“So much.” 

Regulus' cheeks turned red, his eyes lowered to the ground, his hair falling around his face. And James wanted to touch him, cup his cheeks, kiss his eyelids.

James moved closer until there was no more distance between them, his hand around Regulus' neck, rubbing his thumb along his jaw, 

"So much.”

James whispered, bending his neck and connecting their lips. breathing for the first time in ages.

Their lips parted, one brow against the other.  

"I love you too."  

Regulus' hand wrapped around James' wrist, kissing him again.

“How can I live without you?” 

Regulus smiled again, their eyes meeting, one brow against the other.  

"You'll find a way."  

His free hand rose to stroke James’ hair, some sadness occupying his eyes for not feeling the long, messy strands that he loved so much.  

"No.”

“Yes. You will live a long happy life.” 

“Not without you.” 

“You will. You will find someone new. You will fall in great love, live happily. A long life that will end with you warm in bed surrounded by all your family." 

James's eyes were heavy. He couldn't see much because of the tears, a lump in his throat. 

"A long life with them. Then you will be mine again.”

“Why couldn't it be both?” 

But there was no answer that would satisfy him.

"Then you will be mine again. I will not give up on you even if God tries to force me. So please live a happy long life.” 

Another kiss, the last.  

"I love you."  

Then he opened his eyelids, his head still on Sirius' lap, hugging the cardigan.

Sirius opened his eyes when he felt James move to sit next to him, and they both watched the other side of the room.  

"What now?"  

Sirius asked as he gathered his knees to rest his head on top of them. 

Then their eyes met.  

“How did you know?” 

James didn't need to explain the question.  

"Because you always do it."  

"Do it?"  

"You resort to Regulus to silence the world and the voices in your head."  

A frown took over James's features as he brought his knees up against his chest as well.  

"Even on that day." 

 All that occupied Sirius' eyes was the moment when James entered the morgue with the permission of the officials because he had the first right to see him.  

There was chaos in the hallway, many people were there, whether their friends, guards, or people who worked with them, trying to figure out what to do before the news spread.

Everyone in his own world, trying to comprehend what happened. Sirius was in front of the open door, watching James who got close to the metal table. Sirius felt as if he was going to vomit when he saw the dangling hand that the white cloth could not hide, the ugly lines that occupied the pale hand. His brother's hand. It was his brother's hand, who was no longer breathing. Which made his own tremble.

And James just gripped that hand so hard that his knuckles turned white. And he stood there, just stood there with stiff shoulders.

“All I could think of at the time was that he was punishing me because I didn’t say the right thing.” 

"No James-" 

"Sirius. I know."

James's voice was filled with fatigue. Everything about him indicated his exhaustion. But he was lying. James believed what he said. And Sirius saw it all too easily.  

“You cannot take a bird out of its cage after years of imprisonment and expect it to behave like a free bird immediately.”

“Are you saying it's my fault for wanting us to live?”

"Regulus was not a normal or healthy person, James. He had never known what normal tasted like. His whole mentality was fucked up because he had never witnessed anything else.”

"Sirius, shut up.”

"What do you think would have happened? After the trial, Regulus would have completely changed within hours and you would live happily and peacefully for the rest of your life?”

James stood up, leaving the room but he couldn't escape Sirius who followed him.  

"Look at me damn it! Stop running away!”

He slammed his hand against the door and James stopped in the middle of the living room but did not turn around, did not even look over his shoulder at him.

"I won't let you blame him. It's not his fault that you thought everything would change easily."

"Is that why you hid from me that he relapsed? To prove your point that he wouldn't change?”

Sirius's eyes widened, his lips parted in shock and at that moment James turned around, his features filled with coldness.  

"Or were you the one who was afraid of change, Sirius? Seeing Regulus live his life without any problems would have proven that you were the reason for ruining your life with all your bad decisions. You will no longer be able to blame your failure on your father.”

"Isn't that why you stayed with that bastard for so long? Because you found comfort in living a bad life, having someone else ruin your days and control you. Not giving you value.”

James waited for an answer, but nothing. Which made his chest fill with an unpleasant feeling.  

"What did Regulus tell you to keep you quiet? Let me guess. I can't handle everything that's happening. I need an escape or I'll lose my mind. I'll quit using after this is all over, I promise you. You know I keep my promises.”

Sirius didn't take his eyes off the floor, which confirmed James' suspicions.  

"Same scenario he always uses.”

“He is my brother.” 

"That's your excuse? That you know his best interests better than me because you're his family? Orion was his family as well.”

"You think you're perfect James?"  

It was a game that Sirius knew better than anyone else, how to spread poison easily, as he was Black before anything else.

"Or is it normal for you to be ashamed of Regulus and hide him from the world? Do you really think you have the right to hold me accountable?”

"You have no right to talk about that Sirius." 

 "And you have the right to analyze my life and thoughts? You really think you're not in the wrong about anything?” 

“Sirius-” 

"I lost my brother James! My brother! You may get over him one day and find someone else to continue your life with, but I will never have another brother.” 

Sirius slammed his fist against his chest more than once. His eyes didn't leave James this time, widening, red, and James fell silent.  

“Do you think what you feel reaches my pain? I held him in my arms when he wasn't even a day old. I saw him grow up, I saw everything. I taught him to talk and walk, even though I had only just learned those things as well. Do you really think you have the right to tell me I didn't want him to be happy?” 

“That I would feel even an ounce of envy when I see him happy? Because if you are convinced of this, then you have never known me at all.”

It was something that anyone who got to know them noticed from the first meeting. Sirius was clinging to James like a lifeline. From the beginning, James loved his friend more than anything, telling everyone that they were brothers. He always looked for Sirius in his best moments, or in any room he entered, because he loved going through everything with Sirius. It was a deep friendship, perhaps rare for viewers, but it seemed natural on James' part.  

As for Sirius, he seemed to need James because he was the one who filled every void in his life, and there were many voids. Perhaps his obsession seemed to others to be that he was secretly in love with a friend. Axel believed this, hundreds of fights happened because of it.

James was part of Sirius. A deep part very close to his heart. Or perhaps he was his entire heart.

"It's dangerous to give all of this to someone, Sirius."  

Peter told him one day. He did not remember what led to his words.  

"It's James."  

It seemed like a compelling reason. But Peter didn't shake, his eyes didn't blink.  

“Giving all this power to someone even if they are the most exemplary person to ever walk this earth is wrong.”  

At that time, Sirius did not understand the meaning of Peter's words, perhaps he thought that he was even jealous. But now he understood everything. Giving someone a part of you kills you more times than it saves you.

Sirius was a lonely man. The only person who shared his loneliness was uprooted from his hands when he was eight years old. So he searched for someone, anyone, to distance himself from the lonely feeling that occupies every time he stands in the middle of the big world alone.

Even if this means that he gives a part of his soul to each person without thinking for fear that they will leave if he does not give them enough.

Sirius has always given. In quantities that burdened him many times. 

"You don't."  

Sirius sighed, the anger that had occupied him suddenly disappeared, his hands relaxed at his sides. James seemed to have emerged from a long delusion as well, his features filled with harsh coldness fading away to remain wide eyes and parted lips.  

"Of course not. What was I thinking?"

"Sirius-" 

"Call your mother James. She's worried.” 

Sirius moved past him, heading towards the door and grabbing the handle. He paused for a few seconds, taking a deep, shuddering breath.  

"Congratulations, by the way. I always believed you would be a great father.”

Chapter Text

Sirius wasn't a good person. He knew this from the beginning. Life gave him many things that others wished for and worked their whole lives for, and perhaps not thanking god for all these blessings made him miserable to this degree.

“You should always be thankful for every blessing. Others do not have a tenth of what you have.”  

It was something his grandfather said all the time. His grandfather was the type of person who prostrated and thanked god even in the face of misfortune. Perhaps his lack of understanding of all this led to his situation now.

Life has no taste anymore. All the colors faded suddenly. The days passed quickly and the hours were neglected due to their lack of importance.

Sirius couldn't remember the last time he was isolated for more than a full day. But now ten days have passed in the same way. He wasn't even depressed. He did everything any human being would do. He wakes up, makes his bed, cooks his food, eats, cleans up, sits, watches TV, and does all the tasks of any adult.

But he didn't feel anything. Neither happiness nor sadness. His chest seemed empty of everything and his mind was so full that there was no room to think.

He responds to texts that come to him, especially to Remus, who is busy starting to write the book, which makes any message from him interesting in some way, but also leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Is this how you felt?"  

Asked Sirius, who was lying on the couch watching the TV screen.  

"Regarding?"  

Regulus was sitting on the floor with his head resting against the couch, also watching the TV.   

"Life.”

Regulus didn't respond. He doesn't talk much these days. Rarely looks at him.

Even his ghost seemed tired, unable to raise his head for more than five minutes, as if living was painful for him. It reminded him a lot at the beginning of his illness. After his diagnosis.

Several months before the trial, Dorcas was so busy, she didn't even have time to speak. The amount of busyness and stress she was in made her unable to comprehend how painful the details she threw around were, the files thrown around, the sudden questions she asked Regulus that made him freeze for seconds. Long to answer in a voice that was almost inaudible.

Regulus was tense and in a constant state of worry, he didn't seem to feel safe anywhere. The open windows terrified him, the moments when he quickly turned his head to watch a corner with wide eyes, as if he noticed something terrifying out of the corner of his eye, but nothing was there.

It started with normal pain, but the pain did not go away after a while, but rather got worse. There were days when Regulus couldn't even move in his bed to change his position because of the pain.  

"One pill won't change anything!"  

Barty was at the door, Regulus had his back against the bed shield, James sitting next to him 

"No painkillers!"  

They both shouted towards Barty, who sighed loudly, closing the door as he left.

Regulus sighed as he tried to carefully adjust his position under the gaze of James, who seemed reluctant to even touch Regulus at this time.  

"It's time to go to the hospital."  

"No."  

"Regulus" 

"No hospitals, no doctors, no medicines!”

“This isn't normal!” 

"James. Please."  

James' eyes widened at the sight of tears streaming down Regulus' cheeks, who didn't seem to have the strength to speak. Regulus didn't cry. No matter what happened, whether happy or sad, he never cried.

It happened for the first time and James couldn't do anything. He could not hug him because he was afraid that his pain would increase. He could not find any words to console him. He was hand and tongue tied.

“Reg.” 

“I just want to sleep.” 

James hated Orion Black so much. His hatred towards that man doubled with every passing day and hour. But he did not remember any situation that made him feel as hateful as this moment when he saw Regulus in pain. He cannot even give him a painkiller for fear that he will return to his addiction, from which he is still struggling to recover

Regulus' tone was filled with helplessness, as if sleeping was the most difficult task in the world. Something he hadn't tasted in a while and everything he wanted in this world.  

"Reggie."  

James' voice was soft and he didn't know what to say next.

"If I get out of here. He'll find me. It's a miracle he hasn't yet.”

"Reggie."  

James approached cautiously, his hand around Regulus' cheek, who looked at him with glassy eyes filled with tears that were still falling.  

"No one will dare take you from me. The world will end before the day I allow you to return to that man's grasp.”

Regulus didn't speak, his eyes didn't meet James's. Sometimes silence was not a sign of satisfaction.

"Regulus was not a normal or healthy person, James. He had never known what normal tasted like. His whole mentality was fucked up because he had never witnessed anything else.”

James hated every letter so intensely, just hearing them choked him up. But he understood that Regulus' silence at that time was not because he believed it. But because he thought it was the most ridiculous thing anyone could say to him. It's just talk to make him feel better, nothing more. James has made a lot of similar promises before. Breaking them was nothing new to him.

They were imperfect. Their relationship was very difficult and full of misery. Perhaps if Regulus had not done what he did that day, they would have ended up separated after a period of time.

It seemed as if Regulus wanted to prove to all of them that life wasn't worth all the effort everyone put in to live it. It was easier to put an end to it than to live an extra second. He 9was relieved at his end now while they were still suffering.

Hatred occupied him, and even his parents noticed the change in his mood after he returned home at dawn. The intensity that accompanied all his actions, the furrow of his eyebrows that no longer left his face. Anger was drowning him with every passing day.

His mother was hovering around him more than usual. His father preferred to stay away and give him his space as usual. Mia herself took in the change in a way that made her feel a little nervous. Which made James try to hold everything back and smile at her, hugging her and telling her that everything was fine.

It seemed as if a battle had begun between him and his mother, who told him that she had been very patient with him until now. Her first steps were the photo albums that he saw open in Euphemia's hands with Mia in her lap. 

James’ eyes twitched but he said nothing as he watched Mia looking through the photos with wide eyes filled with curiosity. 

Looking between him and the photos It was as if she did not understand how her father was the same as the one in the pictures.

"His hair is pretty."  

James didn't need to look at the album to know who Mia was talking about.  

"This is Sirius. Your uncle.”

“Uncle?” 

“Like Aunty Pandora and Dorcas.” 

Mia's eyes widened in amazement as she looked back at the album.  

That's how he ended up on the veranda in the middle of the night, watching the garden.

A can of beer opened but he didn't touch it for the last half hour. 

"Don't be so angry with your mother."  

James looked over his shoulder at his father, who came out of the house and approached to sit next to him.  

"I'm not angry.”

"Aren't you?"  

James watched the sky at that moment. The stars were clear due to the new moon. He was able to find the star Sirius so easily that it made him suffocate again.

“Not with her.” 

“Sirius?” 

“Myself.” 

Angry at every decision he made to get him to this point. Especially every decision he made in the last two years.  

“How could I fail so badly?”

"You didn't fail James."  

“Yes, because this is the state you wanted your only son to end up in?”

“I always wished for you to be happy.” 

“Then I disappointed you more than I expected.”

Flamont did not speak for several minutes, but his eyes did not leave James.

“It's not like you care about what we think about, James.” 

“Dad, please.” 

“What do you want? What's your plan now? Live in misery until the end of your life?” 

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  

"I'm not waiting for you to understand me. Any of you.”

“Do…do you know how hard it is to see your kid struggling? Everyday. Seeing him being disappointed because he woke up to live another day?” 

James wanted to disappear, to a place where no sound echoed.

“We have lost a son whom we will never be able to bring back no matter how hard we try. The remaining two,, one of them does not even answer a call because he does not want to cross the borders you set. Unjust borders, I remind you. And you are living as a ghost.”

“So you think it's my fault too? Everything that happened is one big fault of mine.” 

“Everyone carries the shame of their mistakes, James. We have all made terrible mistakes over the past few years. No one holds everything on your shoulders. But it's time to fix the mistakes you can fix. All of us should.” 

“Why do I always have to be the one who makes an effort for everything?”  

“You haven't made an effort for anything in the last two years. Are you satisfied with yourself now?”

James stood up, anger occupying every part of him as he looked towards his father, who only followed him with his eyes.  

"Why can't you just support me? Tell me some niceties. Why do you and my mother like to criticize me so much?"  

"Because we are your parents. Not your friends.”

“Being my parents, you can't say anything nice or encouraging to me?”  

“Not if it is an encouragement for you to become a person you yourself are not satisfied with.”

Monty raised his hand, grabbing James' wrist and pulling him so he could sit next to him again.  

"James."  

Both of Monty's hands landed on James' shoulders. At that moment, his father's features changed in a way that made James' shoulders relax.  

"What you are going through is not a small thing. It is something that scares me, even after such a long life. The possibility that I might lose your mother terrifies me. It makes me unable to sleep comfortably at night sometimes.

And this is what I feel despite the long decades I had with her. I can't even imagine how you feel because you haven't had enough time. Or lots of happy times. Even the way you lost him...it's so cruel.”

James felt the burning in his eyes, which suddenly became heavy, avoiding the gaze of his father, who tightened his grip on his shoulders.  

“I want to give you all the time to process this, to be sad, to be angry. You have every right, but I don’t want you to wake up after several years and realize that you lost everything good in your life because of your grief. Maybe I can't understand what you are going through. But there is someone who does. Because he feels everything you are feeling, because he is going through the same grief.” 

“I-I don't know how to fix it. How to make him forgive me.” 

“You will find a way.” 

Sirius woke up from his heavy sleep when he heard the bell ring. It took him several seconds to realize that he was asleep on the sofa in his living room. His entire body was heavy, even his head, and he sighed in agony as he forced himself to get up and head towards the door.

Bright blue eyes met his in a way that took his breath away. The little girl looked at him with fascination, her curly hair tied up very cutely. He forced his eyes away from her to look at the person standing behind her. He didn't expect to see James on his doorstep even years later. But he was standing there, clearly tired, it seemed like even standing was exhausting.

“Hi!” 

The excited little voice returned his attention to the little one. A smile occupied his lips unconsciously. His heart nearly exploded from the cuteness as he bent down to be her height.  

"Hi.”

"Siri."  

She pointed towards him with her little finger to look in James' direction, waiting for his confirmation.

"Siri." 

“It's Sirius, starlight.” 

She looked at James in confusion as if she didn't understand the difference. But Sirius seemed to be entering another world. Perhaps it was a mockery of fate or a consolation that the little girl resembled his Reggie to this degree.  

"Mia."  

Mia pointed to herself as an introduction and then smiled broadly.  

"Nice to meet you."  

Sirius replied with the same smile.  

“What do we say?” 

“Nice to too.” 

Close enough.

Chapter Text

“These are grape leaves.” 

“Leaves?” 

“Yeah. You can eat them.” 

Sirius put his palm against Mia's mouth as she quickly tried to eat the leaves.  

"Not like that!."  

His eyes were wide and a laugh escaped his lips. They were in his garden, which was full of plants and several trees that gave them shade to protect them from the sun. A project he started a year ago, and after he started his tour, he hired workers to take care of the garden because he was not there.

“We have to boil them first, put stuffing inside and wrap them in it.”  

Mia looked at the leaves with concentration, trying to imagine how they would end up, and Sirius smiled as he took his phone out of his pocket to show her.  

"Look. It's so delicious."  

"I want to."  

Mia pointed to the pictures with shining eyes.  

“I don't have the ingredients.”  

Mia frowned, looking at her feet.  

"Next time you come I'll make it for you."

James smiled as he watched from afar. He seemed at peace from the moment he entered the place. 

Mia's fascination with everything Sirius did pricked his heart to its deepest parts. Sirius sat cross-legged on the grass, Mia at his feet, explaining something to her while she listened intently.  

The garden was breathtaking and the air was fresh despite the unbearable heat of the day. 

All James wanted to do was sleep under the shade. The drowsiness that came over him was strange, and the heaviness of his eyelids made him fight to stay awake instead of laying his head on the table where he was sitting and sleeping.  

Mia was talking, using her hands extensively as she explained something and Sirius was watching her with a smile, nodding his head every second

It felt right. Bringing these two together felt like the first right decision he made in years.

Perhaps Sirius would not forgive him for many things, perhaps their relationship would not return to what it was, but all he needed was a look to know the amount of love that had occupied the man's chest since the moment his eyes landed on Mia.

“He's made for it.” 

Regulus told him once. With tender eyes and a warm smile, he watched his brother from afar, who was listening to the sounds Luna was making as if it were the most important conversation he had listened to in his entire life, shaking his head from time to time, saying, “You are so right.” or “That's a valid point.” 

James always felt warm when he saw the actions of the two brothers that were evidence of how much they wanted the other to be happy. Although all this emotion appeared when the other was not present or not listening, and when they were together, the quarrels did not stop.

“Sirius?” 

James had witnessed all of Sirius's crazy, rebellious moments which made imagining him in charge of a human being a little difficult.  

"Don't be tempted. Siri would be the best. He just needs someone to take this step with him. Someone good."  

Regulus's hatred for Axel was crystal clear. Even after they all lost hope that Sirius would abandon him one day, Regulus did not.  

“He has someone who was made for him, he just hasn't met him yet.”

“Am I the person you were made for, then?”  

James asked with a playful tone and a smile as he pulled Regulus until he was sitting on his thigh, wrapping his arms around his neck, rolling his eyes in annoyance despite the smile that covered his lips.

“I'd like to believe it.” 

Everything was right then. It was one of the moments when James felt thankful for his life as he buried his face in Regulus' chest, who ran his fingers through his hair, placing a kiss on its top.

The echo of something placed next to his head made him jerk up. His eyes watched his hands for a few seconds to see the coffee cup first and Sirius, who also sat down second. He opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius preceded him, 

"She fell asleep. I put her in my room.”

Sirius's hand was around a cup of coffee and he sipped from it while observing the table top. James nodded, taking the cup to take a sip.

"Why are you here?"  

"To apologize."  

Their eyes met, and Sirius hugged himself, turning his face away for a moment. 

“Sirius-” 

“I don't forgive you.” 

James was silent, unable to find any words.  

"I'm sorry."  

Sirius didn't answer.  

"What I said. What I did to you over the last two years was not fair. Even if you don't want to accept an apology, you deserve one. From all of us, to be honest.”

“...” 

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry that I pushed you away from me. I'm sorry that I found it easier to blame you than to blame myself.”

“...”

"I can't imagine your pain. What you're feeling and what you're thinking. Reg- what he did-" 

"He didn't do it to get back at you, James. Or anyone else.”

James closed his mouth, Sirius looked back at James. With furrowed eyebrows, and looks full of reproach.

“It's ugly. The ugliest act he has ever committed in his entire life. But you cannot blame him. His life has not been easy. Two days will not make him forget all the years of torment. But-” 

“Even though I know all of that I can't forgive him. I don't blame him but I can't forgive him. And I don't forgive you either. You left me.” 

James's eyes were heavy and burning, and the lump in his throat was painful.  

"You left me. When I needed you most. I understand your pain, but I cannot forget mine.

I'm sorry for undervaluing your pain. For everything I said that day, but one apology will not make me forget all the days I was suffocating and no one was there. Myself in those moments deserves some respect and dignity.”

“What can I do for you to forgive me? Anything Sirius. Because I cannot live a life without you in it anymore.” 

“James is not about anything you can do. I just need time to think about everything. To decide what I want to do with my life. I have no identity outside of the people in my life. Regulus, you, Axel. I know you all like the back of my hand, but I discovered that I don't know myself.” 

He didn't even know if he had a favorite color. Or a favorite day. Which season does he like the most? Because he was never his priority. Tucked into a dark corner of his mind to make space for others. He didn't want it to be like this from now on.

“I'm not pushing you away, I'm not telling you that I don't want you in my life, I just need to figure out who I am first. And you need to do that too. Stop living through others, stop blaming yourself. Stop trying to just fill the shoes of a son, friend, or father. Because these qualities are not all you are.” 

James just watched him without a word in a way that made Sirius tense, afraid that he had crossed some line. But then he smiled with tender eyes and relaxed shoulders.  

"I'm proud of you.”

Sirius's lips parted in shock, as he sat still and stared at his hands gathered on the table. He didn't expect this reaction, all he was waiting for was anything negative and him being told how selfish he was for his decision.

Was it really that simple? Giving himself priority was his biggest fear because he always feared that this would make everyone around him alienate him. But it was that easy. The whole mountain of fears was in vain. His comprehension made his eyes burn, heavy and his lips tremble.

He did not want to cry, but he could not control his eyes, which released the tears that raced down his cheeks, so he hid his face in his palms, holding his breath.

The arms that surrounded him from behind did not help his situation, James's hug was always warm and made him feel safe. 

The right place to cry until the tears turn into blood.

“So proud of you.” 

"Don't laugh!"  

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, embarrassment taking over him, thinking of giving up at that moment. Sirius put his palm against his mouth, hiding his face with the pillow he was hugging, but the echo of his laughter was still audible.

“I'm sorry. So sorry.” 

Sirius said the words with difficulty between his laughs.  

“I knew I should have said no.” 

“I'm sorry.”

It was the first time he had been able to see Sirius in a whole month, and one of his mistakes was that he invited him to his apartment, where he was learning Arabic.

When Sirius saw the number of books and notes on the coffee table, he became curious, insisting that Remus show him his progress.

Remus would understand most of what was said if someone spoke to him in Arabic, or rather the dialect used by the Levant. But speech, reading and writing were deserted areas for him.

And Sirius burst out laughing at the sight of Remus' Arabic handwriting, which looked very funny next to his elegant English handwriting.

Sirius stopped laughing and leaned down, taking one of the pens scattered on the table to correct some of the mistakes. Of course Sirius’ handwriting would be beautiful, even in Arabic. The man had nothing imperfect about him. 

"Are you bragging?"  

Remus asked with a raised eyebrow as Sirius let go of the pen and rested his back against the couch.  

"You're so bad at it that you think I'm bragging. My handwriting is the worst in my family."  

At that moment, Remus remembered the notebook he had and Regulus writings in Arabic on it. It was beautiful as well but he didn't know the difference yet. His mind wasn't so accustomed to them that he knew the difference yet.

"I'm still learning!"  

“What made you suddenly want to learn anyway?”  

Sirius asked as he got up and headed towards the door where he had left a bag that Remus had just noticed.

"I just think it will be necessary." 

Remus shrugged, avoiding looking at Sirius, who furrowed his brow as he sat down again.  

"Necessary? Are you planning to move or something?"  

"No."  

"So? There's really no need for it, especially here."  

Sirius took a container out of the bag. The conversation was forgotten when Remus saw the container.  

"What is this?"  

Sirius looked towards him, feeling insulted  

“What do I see in you?”

“My charming personality?” 

“Actually your intolerance to spices is what captivated me.”  

"Hey! I'm good with spices.”

“Good open your mouth.” 

Sirius shoved the food into his mouth without warning and Remus began chewing, his brows furrowed and then raised.  

"It’s delicious."  

“I made them for a friend and then I remembered your sad situation and made some for you.”

"What is it?"  

Remus asked as he took the container and continued eating one after the other.  

"Stuffed grape leaves. It's part of your culture too. It's originally from Turkey but a lot of middle eastern countries make it as well.” 

“I didn't know you could cook.” 

“I learned from my grandma. You can't?” 

“I can but not ethnic food.” 

Sirius was smiling, watching Remus with soft eyes, his hair tied up, stray strands that had escaped from their confinement hugged his face.

Remus got up and headed toward the kitchen to wash his hands and quickly returned to find Sirius in the same place, hugging a pillow.  

"Thank you."  

Remus whispered, leaning down, his palms surrounding Sirius' cheeks, placing a kiss on his lips, feeling Sirius, who was holding his breath at that moment.

Slow and soft, almost not felt. But Sirius seemed otherworldly at that moment to smile radiantly a few centimeters away from Remus, his hands still circling his cheeks.  

"You're welcome.”

It felt good. Kissing Sirius felt good. 

And his reactions made it a lot better.

Everything was soft, tender. Sirius seemed happy just to be around. Not being able to see each other for a while after the night at his mother's house made Remus worry that Sirius would change his mind.  

But this moment made him realize that nothing had changed. Sirius' smile was so bright that it made Remus bow his head for another kiss.

Remus wasn't good at relationships, he was so overwhelmed with his mind most of the time that he sabotaged everything out of fear of the future.  

He felt like anyone who gave him a chance was wasting their time because he wasn't interesting, ideal, or even compassionate. But this time. He wanted this one to last so much that it made his bones tremble.

“If I knew this was my reward, I would have cooked for you a long time ago.”  

Sirius said, a laugh escaping his lips. And Remus smiled as he sat back down.

A finger curled into a rebellious lock next to Sirius's eye.

“Where are the clips?” 

“The clips?” 

“The star clips.” 

“I only use them at home.”  

"What a shame.”

Sirius' smile widened, his heart was beating fast, he felt like he was in a dream. It was as if the whole world had disappeared outside the room they were in. And only then did he realize that on the right path, life might not be so bad.

“How was your month?” 

Remus asked, his finger still tangled in his hair.  

"Good. Writing songs.” 

“Yeah?” 

Sirius nodded.  

“I'm still working on some old songs that I haven't finished. But it feels good. I haven't worked on any music in years.” 

“That's good.” 

“What about you?” 

“Writing.” 

“Wow, we are interesting people.” 

“Are you calling yourself boring, Mr. Celebrity?.” 

“I think I've let Hollywood down because I'm here with you on a Friday night instead of a nightclub, doing drugs and causing scandals.” 

"And this is my fault?"  

Sirius smiled, leaning his head against the sofa for Remus to imitate.  

"It is.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

There were only a few centimeters between them, Remus felt their noses touching and Sirius's eyes evading his own.

It made him feel so afraid, every fiber of his wanted to be near Sirius, to touch him, to spend every minute with him, to hear him speak, to watch him.

“I want to keep you, forever.” 

Sirius looked into his eyes, his forehead touching his own, which made him see every detail in his breathtaking eyes, his pupils that were larger than usual.  

“Is this an offer?”

“Only if you accept it.” 

Sirius's hands cupped his cheeks, a soft flush occupying his own, he tilted his head so their lips met again. And Remus felt like he was about to explode from everything he felt at that moment.

It felt right.

So right. 

Chapter Text

Evan couldn't sleep. But it was nothing unusual. He had always suffered from insomnia since his childhood, unlike Pandora, who could sleep anywhere at any moment, even if she had gotten ten hours of sleep beforehand.  

It was a joke between them that she would steal the sleep from his eyes as revenge for the fact that he was the one who woke her up from her sleep while they were in the womb. 

Their mother always complained about Evan's excessive movement, which did not stop even during doctor's appointments, punching her stomach the moment her doctor used the ultrasound to see them. Moving as much as he could. 

Barty did not like to sleep at night. He always said that it was a loss because the night and its calmness were much more beautiful than the day. He loved the idea of ​​being awake at a time when everyone around him was asleep. Because he loved his isolation in a way that he did not like to admit to those around him.

So it was perfect. Their nights are always busy, they live their lives in it instead of the day, which puts them in a bad mood at any event they are invited to because they do not sleep even for a minute because the hours of the event conflict with their sleeping hours.

but now. Barty was sleeping deeply next to him, hugging his pillow to his side, burying half his face in it. It was one of the things he had to give up if he wanted to live a normal life. A healthy routine was important for his mental health. Sleeping at least eight hours a night was also important.

Evan did not complain, because if he had to give up the nights, which had become his favorite time after he hated them due to the amount of loneliness he felt, so that Barty could live in his reality and with his entire soul, then he would give up the matter in the blink of an eye.

He was always ready to give up, to sacrifice. It's all he knows. It comes with you when you are the eldest twin in a family full of neglect and abuse.

Regulus was like him. Sleeping was as difficult for him as it was for Evan.

It was the first point that broke all the barriers and caution that Evan had put in place, the moment Pandora introduced him to her friend.

No one could blame him because rich kids with drug problems were a normal thing he saw due to his family environment and connections.

He knew the Blacks. The whole country knew them, they were like royalty, making even the most elite families look like nobody next to them.

And his sister was easy to exploit. Hundreds of situations taught him this. That's why he didn't like Regulus at first, his looks alone revealed what he felt. Regulus knew this, so he set boundaries with Evan as well, rejecting Pandora's many invitations to hang out so he and Evan could become friends too. 

And with Regulus came Barty and Dorcas, who seemed like normal people, good and kind people who weren't spoiled kids who thought they rule the world because of daddy's money. 

Dorcas came from an ordinary background, hardworking with many goals she was trying to achieve.

Evan didn't learn Barty's background until months after they met, due to him having been disowned by his family the moment he turned eighteen. Evan knew his father and it made him feel stupid for not picking up on things sooner. Barty was a carbon copy of his father, right down to his name.

His mother, Evan did not know much about her. She was not a lady who liked to talk or mingle, even at the dinner parties she attended with her husband, in the most elegant dresses and jewelry. She was an extraordinarily beautiful lady who did not look like she belonged to the old man who surrounded her waist throughout any evening.

The night Evan first met her, Barty was in the hospital. It was a minor accident that happened as Barty was in one of his episodes..

Barty refused to take any painkillers or drugs which made everything worse and Evan felt bad as he sat next to Barty's bed who buried his face in the pillow.

His rapid breathing was audible, and Evan raised his hand and placed it on Barty's shoulder, who stopped moving for a moment. 

"Hey." 

But Barty didn't answer, he just froze for a few seconds, Evan feeling Barty's body tremble under his touch. 

"Barty." 

Barty said something under his trembling breath, and although it was difficult to understand, Evan did.

“Okay.” 

Evan got up from his seat, bending down to place a kiss on Barty's head before taking the phone that was on the side table.

He waited outside the room after he finished the call, his eyes fixed on the white wall opposite him. The nurses passed by him every now and then, watching him curiously, but he didn't even blink. 

It took him half an hour to hear the sound of heels clicking on the floor, so he looked to his left and saw her. But he didn't focus on her as much as the man who followed her with a bored expression, as if he was wasting his time just being here.

Mrs. Crouch did not even glance at him as she entered the room, her features filled with worry and the moment Mr. Crouch tried to enter, Evan put his hand in the open door. His eyes met the old man's, who looked at him with knitted brows.

“You are not welcome here.” 

Evan's voice was cold, his features showing no emotion. The man watched him with the most disgusted look in the universe.

“Out of my way.”

“I won’t repeat myself.” 

Evan was taller, wider than the old man who needed the cane in his hands. It was a battle with clear results.

Eventually Mr. Crouch gave in, and Evan remained at the door just in case, glancing over his shoulder now and then to see Mrs. Crouch sat in the chair he had been in, with tearful eyes and a tender look as she stroked Barty's hair, who was holding her other hand tightly.

Maybe it was the first time he saw a mother's true love. Because at that moment, Barty seemed to forget all his pain and could finally sleep.

Now he was staring at the ceiling of their room, Barty still asleep beside him. Their encounters with the writer Dorcas had found had Evan thinking about the last few years more than he should have.

It seemed surreal how one decision by one friend of theirs could affect their entire lives.

He had been thinking about Regulus more than usual, especially since they had decided to stay instead of travel, as if the world had finally given him permission to grieve his loss.

They weren't close at first, even after Barty and Dorcas came into their lives and they became a group of friends who couldn't live without each other. Regulus wasn't one to initiate friendships but something about him seemed to draw others to him, whether it was his sister, Barty or Dorcas.

But they hadn't been close until the day Evan had overheard James and Regulus fighting. 

"I'm tired of you choosing them over me! Over us!”

“It’s not that easy!” 

“I can’t believe you’re still defending them after everything they’ve done and are still doing! Regulus, you have to understand that they’re not your family, they won’t change no matter how much you wait and hope.” 

It was easy to say. But it was a mindset he knew better than most. 

Families are special, you can't wait for a stranger to understand your family and how you feel about them because they won't understand unless they've been through it themselves.

He understood loving someone with a history of hurting you just because of a few small moments of kindness they showed towards you.

He forgave his mother over and over again because she used to stroke his head and kiss his cheek when he was little, and let him sleep in her arms after a sleepless night.

Evan would never admit to witnessing that fight, but he was finally beginning to understand Regulus.

Evan got out of bed and carefully walked out of the room. They were still in Pandora's house until they decided on a new place. Silence was something Evan was used to at this hour, so he headed to the living room to sit in front of the TV and turn it on with a sigh.

“Ev?” 

His eyes fell on Pandora who had come out of the bathroom. He raised an eyebrow. 

“Why aren’t you asleep?” 

“I threw up.” 

Pandora walked over to him and sat beside him. 

“Why are you throwing up here and not in your room’s bathroom?” 

“I didn’t want to wake Xeno.”

Pandora grabbed one of the pillows and hugged it to her chest, sighing. 

“You alright Pan?” 

“Just tired.” 

Evan opened his arms for Pandora to hug him and placed a kiss on her head. 

“So, what’s up?” 

Pandora asked, both of them watching the TV without paying attention.

“Nothing, just thinking.” 

“Thinking about what?” 

Evan paused for a few seconds, his fingers tangled in Pandora’s locks. 

“Reg.”

“That's good, Evan.” 

Pandora sighed in relief. 

“We have to...forgive him.” Pandora continued. 

“We? He's the one who has to forgive us.”

Pandora pulled away from his embrace, a smile on her lips.

 “You’ve always felt more protective of him than others.”

Because he reminded me of you. What your life would be like if I wasn't around.

But he didn't say it, he didn't want to tell her. Regulus, though lenient, had never fully forgiven his brother for leaving. And even though he had no right to, Evan had never forgiven Sirius either.

Because he couldn't even think about leaving Pandora behind with their parents, the idea alone disgusted him.

“Don’t judge him, Evan.” 

Regulus had said once, at one of their evenings after everyone had gone to sleep.

“I’m allowed to think what I want, Reg.”

“You can hate Sirius if he did something bad to you, but I don’t want you to hate him for me.” 

“I will not promise you anything.” 

Regulus smiled, sighing as he rested his head against the arm of the couch. 

“He's my world. I only admit it to myself, but he is.”

His heart clenched for a second, everything seemed real for a moment. Evan wanted to scream at him that Sirius didn't deserve this position. He hadn't done anything or made any effort to take this place in Regulus' heart, his loyalty. His silence for years about so many things just to protect him.

Regulus knew this but said nothing. But Evan understood how true it was too late.

Sirius never shed a single tear after that day, even with all the funeral arrangements, even the moment he opened Regulus's closet to choose his clothes, Pandora couldn't stay in the room even though she said she would help and left with eyes full of tears.

Evan didn't leave, but watched from the corner, Sirius picked everything out with ease as if he were choosing something very simple, not the clothes he would bury his only brother in.

But the moment Pandora left the room, something seemed to change.

Maybe it was because Sirius was taking everything in at that moment or the missing button on the shirt he had chosen.

But he let go of everything, and sat on the edge of the bed at that moment, leaning his body against his knees, his face hidden with his hands. It was the moment Evan decided to leave the room. It was the moment Evan realized that Regulus was Sirius's world as well.

“I never doubted for a second that he would do it. He was a coward in that aspect, what came after death always scared him.”

“When his roommate died he couldn’t sleep for a week.” 

Pandora didn’t talk about her days in theerr much, not even Regulus. It was as if they had agreed to forget those days and never talk about them.

“Luna doesn't remember him well.” 

Pandora's eyes didn't leave the TV, but something in her features changed. 

"When she saw him in the photo album, she asked who he was. I felt like I had betrayed him at that moment. He loved her so much that he didn't want to leave without talking to her one last time, and my failure made her not even remember him.”

“Pan...” 

He didn't have the words to comfort her, something had changed a while ago, Evan no longer had the words because he didn't believe them like he used to.

He could no longer comfort Pandora or tell Barty that everything that was happening was just an obstacle in their way.

Life didn't seem real sometimes. It seemed like everything was a dream waiting to be awakened from.

He was lost, surviving by living through people. There was no reason or purpose to keep going, he was just a human breathing because his heart hadn't decided to stop yet.

If Regulus, who was the most deserving of a happy ending among them, did not survive, what would happen to the rest of them?

“Reg?” 

Regulus looked over his shoulder, they were still inside the courtroom and smiled at the sight of Evan. 

“Hey.” 

All their friends were busy feeling victorious, planning for their celebration tonight. 

“Alright?” 

“Yes.”

Silence fell between them and Evan didn't know what to say at that moment. Only Regulus stood in front of him, fingers reaching for his left ring finger to comprehend something and then put his hands at his sides. 

"Can I hug you?" 

Even Evan was shocked by his question but Regulus nodded. Evan moved closer to him and wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight.

It may have been the first time they had ever hugged in as long as they had known each other, but Regulus had melted with relief. And now Evan felt guilty. 

For how much time he had thrown away. For spending the first few years of knowing Regulus in the confines of something that had no value, because he had never held him, had not comforted him even though he knew that their suffering was what they most resembled each other, that Evan would understand everything that others might find illogical, that Regulus was not alone.

“He never got to grow up, like he was still stuck in his childhood years, contemplating everything, giving bad people a million chances because he loved them. Forgiving the same things over and over because all he wanted was the love of his family.”

Dorcas didn't even blink. Barty looked uncomfortable next to him and Remus Lupin stopped writing in his journal to look at him.

“Did he…forgive his parents?” 

The question made Barty furrowed his brow as he grabbed Evan's hand under the table, distracting himself. 

"Hundreds of times. All Orion had to do was show some kindness and say sorry." 

Evan had seen it dozens of times, Regulus running to them, promising himself that this time he wouldn't go back, that it would be the end of it. 

Orion would appear on their doorstep hours later, burying himself in the mask of a caring father, placing his hands on Regulus' shoulders with a smile on his face, wrapping his arms around him in a long hug, whispering every apology in the dictionary. 

"You know you're my little star. Named after my favorite one. You're my heart." 

Orion knew every word his son wanted to hear, reciting them smoothly as he lured his runaway son back to his lair.

“What changed?” 

Lupin asked. 

“Hope runs out. Love easily turns to hate.” 

Mia was standing behind him, watching all the stuff scattered around in confusion. The attic was packed full, and the stuff he brought from the apartment took up a lot of space as well. 

“What is this?” 

James looked over his shoulder at Mia who was trying to pull out a guitar case, and he immediately grabbed it before it fell on her. 

“This is a guitar.” 

He smiled widely as Mia sat next to him, watching the case with such patience and curiosity that he had no choice but to open it.

There were so many old instruments here that it was hard to remember which one was which, but when he saw the red color, his smile disappeared for a few seconds.

He took a few deep breaths as he pulled out the red guitar to stare at it for a few long seconds. It was in good condition, full of random phrases and drawings that reflected his teenage years, which made him smile again as he turned it over to see the back where his eyes fell on the inscription in the middle. Mia pointed to the inscription, looking at him waiting for him to read it to her. 

“Regulus.” 

Mia raised her eyebrows. 

“What's Regulus?”

“It is a name, starlight.” 

“The guitar name?” 

“Kinda.” 

He couldn't remember the last time he had spoken about him without feeling sad and resentful. 

But Mia's waiting eyes didn't give him another chance as she put the guitar aside and sat her on his lap.

“Regulus is Sirius’ brother.” 

“Like Pan and Ev?” 

“Exactly.” 

“Where?” 

“Remember when I told you about a far away place we couldn’t call?” 

Mia nodded.

“He's there. And you know how everyone has a special someone they love so much?” 

“Like Mimi and Momo?” 

It's still funny that she calls his parents those names in a way that makes him smile. 

"Yes.”

“Pan and Eno?” 

“Also Yes.” 

He kissed her cheek deeply making her laugh as he nodded in response. 

“Regulus is my special someone.”

“He's far.” 

“He is.” 

“That's sad.” 

Mia looked back at the guitar to touch the engraving.

“Sometimes people we love can leave early.” 

“Are you…leaving?” 

It didn't seem right to explain what death meant and that they would all go away one day to his daughter so he just smiled and shook his head both sides as he placed a kiss on her head, inhaling her scent as he held her against his chest. For the first time in a long time he felt as if everything was going to be okay.

“You know I can't use that if I ever have a good career right?” 

James asked, a smile on his lips as he watched Regulus who was intently carving his name into the back of the guitar. 

“Why not?” Regulus asked. 

“It’s not like your name is the most ordinary name in the universe, if people saw it they would dot the i’s and cross the t’s with ease.” 

Regulus lifted his head, brows knitted. 

“Are you thinking of hiding me for the rest of your life, James Potter?”

Jest filled Regulus' tone, it was one of the good days, having a long time to spend together.

“Just say the word and I will scream your name from the top of every roof of the city.” 

“Oneday.” 

It was a promise, sealed with a kiss they shared as James helped Regulus complete the inscription of his name.

Mia got bored after that so he helped her down so she could play and went back to what he was doing. His eyes fell on the guitar again, taking it in his arms, his fingers tracing the name over and over.

It took him some time to adjust the strings and he stopped when he felt satisfied, taking a deep breath.

There was nothing specific in his mind, so he played randomly, his fingers moving between the notes with an ease that his body remembered.

But he felt nothing, not a shred of the enthusiasm that had occupied him since he was a child, all the times his father had taken him to the studio, the moment he was given his first guitar, or the number of hours and nights he had shared with Sirius on the floor of their dorm, writing songs for hours.

He started losing it before he lost Regulus, music was no longer his passion, and Regulus was the excuse he took to stop completely.

“It’s okay if it’s not your passion anymore.”

James jumped at his father’s voice and looked over his shoulder at Monty who had climbed up and watched the attic around him to turn his attention back to James.

“That’s easy for you to say.” 

Both of his parents were retired, but that didn’t stop the offers that came in from time to time for both of them. James wasn’t like them, he hadn’t practiced his craft for decades before he decided to stop. The world still, like a hawk, wondered every now and then about the break he took so suddenly. Even his company, but they knew why.

But it was an excuse, the original reason was because he had lost his touch, his entire passion.

"You know, even though we agreed when you were little not to interfere or try to influence you, your mother wanted you to be like her.” 

“I can imagine her disappointment.”

“You never were a disappointment to any of us.” 

“Even now?” 

“Especially now.” 

James didn't even smile. 

"I've never felt so lost.”

"That's okay.”

Only at that moment did James smile as he ran his fingertips over the strings and sighed.

“You’re dangerous.” 

Sirius chuckled, tilting his head back to give Remus room to give his neck attention, feeling Sirius’ fingers tangle in his hair so that his eyes almost rolled back.

“Am I?” 

He was. Scarily dangerous especially with such deadly gorgeous eyes and shamelessly perfect lips.

Remus nearly lost his mind, giving up on the reason for his presence. Kissing and touching Sirius seemed more tempting than doing his work, the damned book could wait.

Sirius gasped at the feeling of the couch against his back, Remus on top of him. 

“Careful!” 

Remus rolled his eyes, supporting all his weight on his elbows. 

“When are you going to stop treating me like an old man?” 

“You talk like you didn’t use the aching joints as an excuse when I wanted to get out last night.” 

“What’s the point of suffering in pain your whole life if you can’t use it to excuse your way out of situations?”

“Are we really arguing right now?” 

Sirius raised his eyebrows, his arms wrapping around Remus's neck who smiled again. Sirius pulled him in for another kiss.

They were in the early stages, the honeymoon period that made Remus remember Sirius during his day and smile like an idiot, leaving his work to stare at the ceiling for long minutes, cherishing the idea that he could call the most beautiful person in the world at any time, touch him and kiss him.

Remembering this made Remus deepen the kiss, making Sirius laugh, interrupting them. 

"I'm sorry." 

But his constant laughter made kissing him impossible especially when their teeth clashed making them both groan and cringe.

Which made Remus join in the laughter for no good reason. 

“Why are you laughing?”

“Why are you laughing?” 

Sirius smiled widely, both hands cupping Remus's face. 

"Just. Happy." 

Remus' heart nearly exploded. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah. You make me happy.”

“I didn't do anything.” 

“You don't need to. Just you existing is enough.” 

This made Remus smile widely as he sandwiched himself between Sirius and the couch, lying on his side. Sirius shifted his position so that he was on his side as well, facing Remus as he offered his hand as a pillow under Sirius' head, who readily accepted, giving Remus a chance to play with his hair. 

Sirius' hand gripped the necklace that was around Remus' neck, the smile that had occupied his lips disappearing within seconds.

"I wish I had met you sooner.”

“I don’t think you would have liked me if you knew me before.” 

“Really? Why?” 

“The first thing that comes to mind is that I went bald two years ago. Lily and I dyed my hair for a change for New Year’s but burned it so horribly that it was impossible to save so I shaved it.”

The smile returned to Sirius' lips as he listened to the story intently, his eyes soft. 

"Something you need to know is that my shaved head is not a pretty sight, Sirius. I mean it, because I always wear headphones." 

Remus took Sirius' hand and made him touch his head until he felt what he meant. 

"Oh my god." 

Sirius started laughing.

"There's not the worst part! I was trying to grow a mustache at the time, imagine a bald, burnt head with a mustache with no personality." 

Sirius laughed loudly, making Remus smile.

"All that's left is an Adidas tracksuit and a silver chain.” 

Sirius spoke with difficulty between his laughs as Remus started laughing as well.

It felt good, it made Sirius laugh. Because it was the softest laugh he had ever heard. 

"You make me happy too." 

It was a barely audible whisper, but Sirius looked at him, eyes wide and full of sparkle. And he kissed him again, one so soft he almost didn't feel it.

The sound of Remus' phone made him stop and raise his head towards the table as he took the phone to answer Edward. 

"Yes?" 

"Did you see the news?" 

"No? What happened?" 

Remus got up with furrowed brows and Sirius did the same in confusion at Remus' tone as he opened his laptop on the table to receive a message from Edward with a link.

It was an article that had been published exactly half an hour earlier, Rita Skeeter's name beneath the title. But what made him freeze was the title.

Regulus Black and James Potter: A tragic love story or the heist of the century?

Chapter Text

James opened the door after a long hesitation. The room was quiet, the lights on. He closed the door behind him with a sigh, the bed was empty even the chairs as he walked towards the bathroom and opened the door, feeling relieved when he saw Regulus who was in the tub with his eyes closed, the steam still rising from the water. 

Regulus opened his eyes at the sound of the door but didn't even blink when he saw James. 

"Still mad?"

"What do you think?”

James smiled, closing the door and kneeling beside the tub so they were face to face. 

“I want what’s best for you.” 

“I guess you all do.” 

Regulus turned his head the other way, his arms hugging his knees to his chest.

“Do you blame us?” 

No response. James sighed as he bent down to place a kiss on his wet shoulder, his neck and finally his head.

"Sometimes I feel like you're ashamed of me.”

“Reg. No.” 

“Then why?” 

Regulus met him again, their foreheads pressed together. 

“What are you afraid of? you have something to lose?” 

“You. I’m afraid of losing you.”

Regulus said nothing more, and the subject of James coming with him to the trial was never reopened.

And in those moments, only two years later, James realized that Regulus' silence wasn't because he was convinced by James' words. It was a clear answer that he felt stupid for not seeing. You already did. You lost me.

The article was ridiculous, he would have laughed at it if they were in another life, in another situation. If none of what happened had happened and they had come out into the world by their own decision. 

He could almost touch Regulus who laughed with every line then looked at him with a sarcastic smile.

But he wasn't. He was in the middle of a meeting room in the company he represents, about ten people discussing what they should do to save his reputation after the article. But his eyes didn't leave his hands gathered on the table, the ring still clutched in the ring finger of his right hand, its twin still on the chain around his neck.

A tablet is on the table in front of him, the article is still open and his eyes can see the lines. 

A plot that even the devil wouldn’t think of.

Regulus Black was fighting the villains, unaware that their master was sharing his bed.

How to Become a Billionaire: A Guide by James Potter.

The wounded prince who thought he had found the love of his life did not know better.

It seemed like every line was erasing a sacrifice, time spent apart, millions of fights, thousands of kisses and hundreds of I love you's. And every person who insulted him on social media was erasing a memory.

Not like he had much left to begin with.

But it was a fitting punishment for his cowardice. A fitting punishment for doing nothing, for not fighting hard enough. For the lights terrified him so much in a time Regulus was thrust into the middle of them without even asking his opinion.

Everyone was talking about him, his life, everything. Many people came out to talk about the subject despite having signed NDAs that forbade them from speaking. Maybe they thought that no one would care if they broke the contract now.

And James just sat, in the middle of the chaos, silent.

“James?” 

James lifted his head to see Dorcas. 

"Hey." 

"You okay?"

Dorcas puts her hand on his shoulder. He smiles at her.

"Yeah." 

He looks back down at his hands, fiddling with the ring again.

Dorcas dropped her bag on the table and knelt beside his chair. 

“James.” Her tone was different, tender.

But James didn't look at her, he couldn't, because he felt ashamed of his heavy, burning eyes.

“I will take care of everything. You don't have to worry.” 

“I didn’t want that money. I told you thousands of times.” 

His tone was shaky. 

“James. It’s yours, it’s the last thing Reg left—” 

“No. It’s something built on his exploitation and his pain. It’s filthy.”

“Ja-” 

"It's the dirty thing that caused him years of suffering. I don't care what it's worth when I say I don't want it, it means I don't want it!”

His voice was loud, he didn't want to be loud. He didn't want to yell at anyone but it was all too much for him.

“Stop acting like a fucking child!” 

Dorcas's loud voice made even the people present freeze in place. James didn't move from his place, but his eyes didn't leave Dorcas who looked angry, her eyes wide and her chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Why don't you try to understand!? It's his whether you like it or not. He spent his life, all his blood and sweat for it and you want the harvest of his efforts to remain in their hands!? Is this what you want James? For everything to go down the drain.” 

"Didn't it all go down the drain already? The moment he killed himself.”

“No, it didn't. Because unlike you I didn't erase him from existence the moment he left.” 

“Of course you didn't. You are the reason he's dead after all.” 

Dorcas didn't even look shocked by his words, or moved by them. Her eyes were hard, nothing clear in her features.

"You finally mustered up the courage to say it to my face after thinking it every time you saw me, Potter?" 

“Because I've made my peace with my sins but nothing you will ever do could wash up your cowardness. His blood is on your hands as much as mine.” 

“Shut up.” 

“You were nothing but a burden on his shoulders after all. Isn’t it embarrassing that you burdened him more than his father? Do you know how hard he worked to protect you from the truth? For fear that if you knew the details you would leave him because he wasn’t pure enough like the version of him you created in your imagination?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

"You didn't even notice he relapsed! After claiming you knew him better than all of us! And what's worse is that you left him alone! You let him leave that fucking courthouse alone! Go to that fucking apartment alone! Where were you!? Why the hell was he alone that night? Weren't you the one who blamed every problem you had between you on his family? Funny how the first thing you did after getting rid of the root of all your problems was to leave Regulus alone.” 

“Dorcas, that's enough.” 

Dorcas took a deep breath as she turned her back to them both, hiding her face between her hands when Sirius appeared.

Dorcas didn't understand what had come over her at that moment, the sudden amount of hatred. Saying things she had never even thought of before. It was the truth in a way, that it had been her fault.

Was it all okay in the end? She lost her friend, and the person who caused all the pain lived comfortably for two years before his death. Was this what she wanted? No one got the punishment they deserved.

"Death takes the good ones first." Her father has always told her to console her every time she misses her mother.

They were both in the car taking them to court, Regulus watching from the window, fidgeting with his fingers. 

"Reg." 

They were both nervous about the court's decision that would be handed down today. Regulus looked at her. 

"Yes?" 

"It will all be over today." 

She tried to give him hope, both sides had fought fiercely in court. 

"I know. I trust you." 

This made Dorcas smile. 

"In a few hours you will be a free man." 

Regulus smiled back. 

"We talked about this day a lot." 

"We did. For years." 

"For years.”

At that moment, she did not know that twenty hours later, she would receive a call waking her up from her deep sleep, informing her that Regulus had died.

What would you do if you knew it was the last time you would see someone you loved? 

She remembered her mother's last day, she thought about it a lot. What did she do with each hour? Until the countdown to her last breath.

She swore she would treasure every minute with her loved ones from now on, to give every hour its due. But less than a decade later she found herself standing in a dull hospital corridor, in the same position again. And making the same mistakes.

Dorcas left the hall, her quick steps making her find the emergency exit faster to enter, allowing herself to finally collapse as she sat on one of the steps, hiding her face between her hands, allowing the tears to finally fall.

What would you do if you knew it was the last time you would see someone you loved?

She wouldn't have cared about something as silly as a court ruling, she would have changed their path, telling Regulus that he didn't have to end it all like this, that she would be by his side every minute until he got better, that if he wanted to run away to a place no one knew, far from everything, she would help him. 

But she knew how stubborn her friend was, how negative he looked at life, he would just smile, hold her hand and tell her with the ease and peace she had never seen in his eyes. 

"Nothing will change. I tried, I swear I tried with all my might.”

She would have broken down, crying just like she was doing now.

James wasn't feeling any better, even with Sirius kneeling in front of him, holding his hands together. The tears didn't stop, the burning didn't stop, the suffocation didn't leave him even as he hid his face with his arm.

It didn't stop, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much hope he had, every foundation he tried to build would collapse with the slightest wave.

He had dreamed of a day like this for years, the day they wouldn't have to hide anymore, the day he wouldn't have to look over his shoulder a thousand times before going to meet Regulus, the days they wouldn't have to build their entire world inside a cube.

But he was a coward indeed, Dorcas was right, his cowardice debt was greater than anything.

He didn't feel like life was worth living anymore. 

"It's okay, everything will be okay." 

Sirius was saying things even he didn't believe, there was no way out of this hole.

What would you do if you knew it was the last time you would see someone you loved?

James somehow made it back to the hotel room, to Regulus who was about to leave. 

“Reg.” 

Regulus stopped, looking over his shoulder at James. James came closer, wrapping his arms around him, hugging him tightly as if he wanted to hide him in his ribs. 

“I am the happiest man in the universe. You know why?” 

James didn't even wait for an answer as he kissed Regulus' head. 

"Because you're here, because you're with me.”

He would have gone that day, with him. Despite all his fears, he would have been in that hall, close enough for Regulus to see him easily when he looked over his shoulder. 

Would that have changed the course of things? Would the axis of their universe have moved differently? Or the stars aligned in a different formation?

"You're both fucking idiots! You're blaming each other? Is this how things turned out!?”

Sirius looked angry, scolding them like a parent. There was no one in the room this time except them and Remus who was standing in the doorway feeling uncomfortable witnessing this.

“Grow up! Stop blaming each other and let's focus on finding that bitch and killing her!” 

Remus didn't know why he was here, he himself hadn't yet digested the news, the article in its entirety and the idea that it was somewhat true.

Remus didn't have an interest in celebrities before, he didn't know much about them, even the Regulus case attracted his interest because of the severity of its events and not because of his well-known name.

Sirius didn't talk about James, no one he met did. It seemed like they were all protecting him in some way. But now he was witnessing someone he didn't understand why he felt so lonely just watching him.

The same feeling from years ago while watching his mother rearrange photographs in albums months after his father's death.

Both held the same empty gaze, as if they were dead as well with a moving skeleton.

It was scary, the thought of death was scary for the first time ever. Remus had nothing to lose, an ordinary guy who went on with his life without making place for new people to join the journey. He had three people he cared about, he lived everyday the same and life went on.

But now it felt like his whole life turned upside down without realizing.

And seeing James Potter made him realize new fears he didn't know about.

Losing loved ones was brutal but he doesn't remember much about it because it happened with his dad when he was so young.

But now he couldn't breathe. 

At the end of the day, Sirius sat in the driver's seat after they had dropped James off at his house, watching the void with no intention of moving. It took seconds for his blank features to turn into a collapsed one, with furrowed brows, angry eyes, and trembling lips, as he hid his face against the steering wheel between his arms.

Remus didn't know what to do, but one thing he was sure of was that he didn't want to be left out like that. 

"Hey." 

His hand came to Sirius's trembling shoulder. "Sirius, look at me, please." 

But he didn't move and just closed himself in further, filled with shame at having a witness.

Because he wasn't used to sharing his grief with anyone but his brother, his brother who had become the root of all his sorrows. His brother who had waited impatiently for a day like this which had turned into a tragedy that made Sirius sarcastically thankful to fate for him not being there to witness it.

But the arms that wrapped around his waist did not leave him alone in the darkness. Remus did not say another word, but he did not leave Sirius either, not caring about the time or anything else.

Which made Sirius cry even more.

“We are getting married.” 

Seconds later, congratulations and happy screams erupted. Regulus smiled widely as he hugged Pandora back, Dorcas hugged James who stood beside Regulus clearly proud of himself. The rest waited their turn. 

Finally, Regulus met Sirius who still hadn’t reacted, making Regulus tense under everyone’s expectant gaze.

“Are mad? It happened so fast, we don't even have rings yet-” 

But Sirius just hugged him tightly, as if he wanted to bury him inside his chest. 

“Be the happiest person in the world. Okay? That’s all I want.” 

“I will. You’ll see.”

Chapter Text

“I’m not the good guy they say I am.” 

Regulus said as he peeled a pomegranate, sitting where his father usually sat in these dreams of Remus’s, in the back garden under the olive trees.

Remus sat across from him, his father's radio on the table playing songs he didn't recognize. 

"It's a habit, in the Levant. Fairuz belongs to the morning." 

Suddenly, a blurry memory from his childhood occupied his mind, a similar voice surrounding his father who sipped tea sitting in the garden in the mornings. 

"Why are you here?" 

Remus asked as Regulus pushed the plate to the middle. 

"You know. My grandfather always said that if you dream of a dead person, it's not an imagination, but their spirit coming to visit you. God allows them to visit their loved ones and check on them.”

“Even the wrongdoers?”

Remus' sarcastic statement made Regulus smile as he shook his head. 

"He is more merciful than they claim." 

"So God is real?" 

"I'm not here to change the basis of all your beliefs, Remus." 

"Then why are you here? I'm not one of your loved ones.”

“You are not but you hold one of the most valuable things to me.” 

“Me?” 

"Do you know the story of Cain and Abel?" 

"I do.”

“Their story has always amazed me. How could you kill your brother without even knowing it was possible? They say that Cain buried Abel for fear that the rest would discover the body but I have always believed that it was brotherhood between them, your brother might do something to kill you or kill you with his own hands but he will do what is necessary when needed.”

Regulus looked at his hands, which were blackened by pomegranate seeds. 

“How did you do it?” 

“You mean die?”

“Yeah.” 

“It was easier than living.” 

But Remus didn't understand or believe a word. Because his mind couldn't even comprehend the idea. 

"Your happy ending was waiting for you, but you chose to end your life and ruin the lives of everyone who loved you." 

Regulus just smiled. "The greatest tragedy of humans is that they will never know if they were loved enough. That's the way of life.”

“But you were loved, still by millions, by people who still grieve for you!”

“But not myself.” 

“Is that so important?!”

“It is.”

“I don't love myself that doesn't mean I should kill myself!”

“You hate loneliness and your weaknesses, not yourself.”

“I don't understand, how could I do it if I don’t understand you?” 

“Remus, I don't remember a point where I understood myself my whole life. I don't think it's possible for you to.” 

“You ruined my life in a way too.” 

Regulus laughed as he took one of the pomegranate slices and began eating it. 

“Have I? That takes talent.”

“I was content with my simple life.” 

“Really? If you woke up now and found out you hadn’t lived any of this would you be happy? Because we can do that.” 

“Are you hallucinating? How would you do that?”

“We’re wizards in a parallel universe, Remus, I don’t think it would be that hard.”

It made Remus think, really think. 

“Would you be alive?” 

“No.” 

“Then no.” 

Regulus smiled then, the breeze playing with his hair, he looked radiant, relieved in a way that Remus couldn't comprehend. 

"Is death better?" 

"I don't know. You lose every feeling when you experience it." 

"Everything?" 

"Everything."

"Then why are you here? If you feel nothing?" 

"Because my love for my brother is greater than the nothingness that occupies me. I want him to be happy, the happiest man in the world. He deserves that more than anyone." 

"And you think I can do that?" 

"I do." 

"Why?" 

"Because you've longed for a love like that all your life. I don't think you're a person who kicks away blessings that come after praying.”

Remus got up, Regulus watched him. "Your father says hello." 

That was the moment Remus opened his eyes. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was, the sound of the TV coming from Sirius's living room made him jump out of bed as Sirius's side was empty and he went outside to see the TV on and Sirius sitting on the couch.

He was hugging himself as he watched an awards show being broadcasted.

“Sirius?” 

“We are all here to celebrate the arts, the people who have dedicated their lives and years to creating pieces that millions enjoy. And out of those great names we want to celebrate one now. One of the most successful and accomplished directors, someone whose films launched many successful careers and well-known faces of Hollywood. Please welcome — to the stage to take his honorary award.” 

The woman on stage began to clap along with everyone present, evident in the multiple camera shots, finally revealing the face of the man mentioned. 

“Is that-” 

“Yeah.” 

Sirius didn’t take his eyes off the screen. He was the director who featured Regulus in several of his films. A best friend of Orion's.

All Sirius could remember were the recordings that had been shown in court that showed this man abusing Regulus in every way. The same man who would laugh as he gave drugs to a teenage boy when he was drunk and out of his mind. Or cut them off with the help of his father when he didn't like something. The man who felt he had the right to lay hands on him since he was fourteen. Raped him, abused him physically and mentally.

This man was celebrated. He was applauded. He's the biggest reason his brother is no longer alive.

The screen showed him smiling, kissing his fucking wife and heading towards the stage.

Suddenly the screen changed to show Narcissa and her husband who immediately got up from their seats ready to leave, several of those sitting with them also stood up. Several actors who had acted in his films also got up, with disgusted, sad expressions. But only one got up to walk unlike the rest towards the stage at the same moment Christopher began his speech of thanks with his award in his hand.

Sirius' eyes widened as he watched Bella climb the few stairs towards them even Narcissa stopped, watching her with wide eyes like everyone else as she took the award from his hand and threw it to the ground with all her strength.

A buzzing sound drowned out Bella's voice as she approached him with the intention of hitting him, and the broadcast was cut off at that moment.

Remus came closer to sit next to Sirius, whose eyes did not leave the screen despite the commercials starting to play. His lips trembled.

“I can’t believe she did this.” 

Remus said and began to stroke his back.

Sirius and Bella had never gotten along. Maybe the first time was on the day of the funeral, when they met in the morning at the church door waiting for the attendees. He never expected Bella to willingly embrace him even if hell froze over. But she did. Because they had both lost a brother.

"I saw your brother in my dream.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, he was peeling a pomegranate.”

Sirius smiled.

“You only peel Pomegranates for your special people.”

“Yeah?”

“You know my grandfather always said…”

“If you see the long gones in dreams it is actually them coming to check on their loved ones?” 

“Yeah. How did you know?”

“He said it too.” 

The smile didn't leave as he watched Remus with soft sleepy eyes.

“What else did he say?”

“To take care of you, make you the happiest man on earth because nobody deserves it as much as you.” 

“The little shit. What else?” 

“He said we are wizards in another timeline.” 

“That's kinda cool.” 

Sirius leaned his body against the couch, taking the remote control to change the channel into the music app. 

“Do you know about the majnun and Layla?” Sirius asked, typing something into the TV.

“Craziness?” 

The word was familiar to him. 

“The madman. Junoon means Craziness” Sirius corrected him.

Remus didn't say a word, just settled himself down next to Sirius who started playing a song that took over the place, the guitar sound was soothingly quiet, and the man's voice harmonizing with the guitar started. 

"He's a poet, he loved a girl named Layla and when he wanted to marry her they rejected him and married her to someone else. He loved her so much that he went crazy and started writing poems about her. To the point that they started calling him Majnun Layla, Layla's madman.”

“The song sings one of his poems.” 

The English translation was below the Arabic, but Remus didn’t need to read to feel a shiver run through him at the tone of voice filled with sadness and despair.

“I wanted to love like this, to go crazy with feelings for one person all my life. Regulus used to make fun of me, saying that such a love was impossible in our time.”

“How does the story end?” 

Remus asked and Sirius smiled, leaning his head against his shoulder and sighing. 

"I'm not sure. I think she came back to him but he was so mad he didn't recognize her and then he died and she followed him.”

“That's sad.” 

“All great love stories are.” 

“Not ours.” 

“You think we have a great thing?” 

“I wish too.” 

“Just wish?” 

“I want it, I want you. You have no idea how much you make me feel. You tell me all these stories and I find myself trying to make them fit us.” 

“Fit us? I don’t want them to fit us.”

“Then?”

“There are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.”

“What's your kind?” 

“I'm starting to feel like I don't know.” 

A laptop opened on Sirius's other end, its screen lit up, indicating that something had finished.

“What are you doing?” 

“Also being a good brother.” 

Sirius took the laptop into his lap which displayed YouTube, a video uploaded to his music channel seconds before Sirius clicked on it and started playing.

The video showed Sirius first, trying to adjust the camera, talking about a wedding and filming, then he moved away a little to show Regulus, who looked at him with an annoyed expression. 

“It's their wedding video.” 

“You recorded it?”

“Yeah. They were scared of hiring someone who can film them and spread the word easily.” 

“That's kind of you.” 

Remus opened his arms for Sirius to enter his embrace as they watched the video in silence.

Sirius started it, but it was Pandora who really made it happen. After posting the video that nearly broke the app and its views increasing by millions every hour, she started posting pictures she had collected over the years on her account, from their teenage days, birthdays, holidays, the wedding. Pictures of Regulus, Luna, and more.

Then Dorcas, Barty and Evan. All their friends, even Regulus's co-stars. As a protest against the horrible awards show.

It made Sirius smile as he saw all the pictures and videos that filled every platform, the amount of love that covered all the hatred because of the silly article.

Ricky Nelson's voice filled the recording studio that James usually used, his eyes falling on the red guitar that was in James' lap. 

"Hey." 

Sirius walked in making James open his eyes which immediately fell on Sirius. 

"Hey.”

“Effie said you were here.” 

“Yeah.” 

“About the video-” 

“Thank you. For that.” 

Sirius smiled as he came closer to sit next to James.

“Writing?” James laughed sarcastically. 

“No. I lost it.”

“Lost it?” 

“Passion, spark, whatever.”

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Maybe you're just burnt out.” 

“Maybe.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t enjoy it anymore. So I guess I will retire.”

“Work with me.”

James raised his eyebrows as he looked up at Sirius. 

“What?” 

“Work with me. My producer is an idiot, he doesn’t understand what I want to do. But you do. I am rebranding, and the idea in my head doesn’t get through to him no matter how hard I try.”

“The Arabian Nights fiasco.” 

James smiled as he remembered Sirius’ failed attempts to incorporate Arabic melodies and instruments into his early music, which led to the most unsuccessful pieces he had ever heard in his life.

“See, you knew immediately.” 

“That's because I know you.” 

Sirius smiled back. 

"You do.”

“I don't know Sirius.” 

“Sometimes I miss the days. The nights we spent on the floor of our dorm, listening to everything and writing and composing. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything that could compare to those days.” 

“I was a fool in love with a good outlook on the future. I’m not anymore.” 

“You are. That’s what caused all this suffering. You still are. Sometimes I think I came up with this whole idea of ​​music because of Regulus. He loved it with all his being but couldn’t do it. I think you did the same thing. The passion was there before for you, but his presence made the flame stronger.”

James took a look at the guitar between his arms, all the words written in marker, stickers and doodles, he then turned it to its clean back which only had a name engraved at its middle.

When Sirius saw it he smiled. And he remembered a song he started to listen to more frequently because of a certain someone.

“And he took it with him.” 

“James-”

“Sometimes I feel like I've truly moved on, life would be good and full then at random moments I remember it all and it hits me. That there is no Regulus anymore. I can't call him, touch him or even look at him. I can't even remember the good moments anymore. It's just… I don't think I can move on from him because he is everything. And every time I remember that he's not here, not on a trip because of work waiting for a break to call me, he's just…gone.” 

“...”

“Mom scolds me, telling me that I go with life and treat Mia like she's our kid but in reality she's only mine. That it's cruel. But… I wanted her to be our kid so bad. We've dreamed of this. I love her to death but it kills me that he's not here too. She should've been ours not just mine.” 

James touched the name, brows furrowed and shoulders heavy. 

“He appears in dreams, tells me to move on and find someone else, that in every life we ​​end up like this but I don’t think I can. I can’t touch someone else, spend time, share a bed or even a ring with someone else.” 

"How does a whole life end in a second? The presence of someone who disappears and we expect life to go on? I don't know what to do, to think about him, to feel about him." 

Sirius didn't even blink as he watched James, he wanted to hug him, to comfort him. But it was the one thing he couldn't do it with. Because he himself didn't know how.

“He reminds me of my mother.” 

Remus said, both of them lying down, Sirius’ head on his chest, his fingers tangled in his hair and twirling it around his finger, watching the ceiling. Sirius said nothing. 

“It’s scary. Losing a partner Like that.” 

Sirius’ frown didn’t leave his lips. Even as he felt Remus’ kiss against his forehead.

“How is she now?” 

“At peace. She didn't try to find someone new even when they showed interest in her. But she lives peacefully.”

Don't the greatest stories end like this? With one party leaving and the other remaining in eternal torment? Wasn't the point of separating two souls and putting them in two different bodies, spending their lives trying to find each other?

Love is dangerous, it stains you with a stigma that will be seen on your forehead for eternity. It leaves you in a sad state trying to survive.

But love is what makes life. It feeds you as much as it leaves you hungry, it keeps you alive as much as it kills you. Maybe that's why Sirius decided to give it one last chance. Dorcas had contacted him days after the scandal, telling him that Walburga had contacted her and asked to see him.

“You should go.” 

Regulus’s ghost had been appearing less often these days, his voice echoing further than usual and his tone changing. 

“Why?” 

“She’s a victim too.” 

Sirius laughed sarcastically. 

“You forgive her?” Regulus tilted his head. 

“Do you want me to forgive her?” 

Regulus asked, Sirius’ eyes widening in shock. 

“What?” 

“Will that make it easier for you to forgive her? Because I will if you need to.”

“Reg-”

"I don't hold a grudge against anyone, Sirius. Don't do it for me. If you hate her for what she did to you, I understand. But don't do it for me." 

"She's part of-" 

"Of what? My death? I did it to myself. I'm the only one to blame.”

“No.” 

“I couldn't live with myself anymore. It happens sometimes. It's okay.” 

“It's not okay.” 

“It is.” 

“No.” 

“You realize it too. That's why you don't see me as much anymore. Because you don't need me. That's not even my voice. You forgot it. And that's okay. I don't want you to need me.” 

Dorcas frowned when she heard the bell and got up from her seat after putting her laptop aside.

Seeing James on her doorstep made her freeze.

“Because I was tired.” 

“What?” 

Confusion took over Dorcas’s features. 

“Leaving him alone that night. After seeing the decision, the fatigue of all those months made me break down. I didn’t want to appear in front of him like this. He needed a shoulder to lean on, not for him to be mine.”

“James.” 

“I don’t even remember how I fell asleep, but I slept for hours! More than fifteen! I woke up to a call. The call.”

“James.” 

“I hate myself for it, Dorcas more than anyone.” 

“I'm sorry, James.” 

“No, you're right-”

“James, no.” 

“I thought about everything, every what if for months, you know? All of them lead to that one. It would’ve changed everything. I know it.” 

He did. Imagined himself going through that door thousands of times. Hugging Regulus the second he saw him, through the happiness because all of it was over, the sadness because it took that long and the tears. Through everything. 

“We will find it together. Happiness.” 

He wanted it so bad he could almost touch it with the tip of his finger but never close enough to actually do.

“It’s nobody’s fault, James.”

“I left him when he needed me.” 

Dorcas’ eyes softened as she took James’s hand between her own, shaking her head. 

“I think… you prolonged his life. If you hadn’t been there, I don’t think he would have waited this long.” 

But that only made James feel worse. 

“Nothing would have changed his mind, he’s stubborn like that.”

“Why wasn’t it enough?” 

“James, it was.” 

“Then why?” 

“I don’t know, some things just don’t have an explanation and we just have to accept it eventually.”

But nothing could extinguish the fire lurking in his chest, no consolation, no sadness, no anger. A part of him was suddenly violently torn out, and the empty place was still bleeding profusely and unceasingly, flowing to every corner of his soul, leaving behind burning, screaming scars.

How do you get over something like that? How do they expect you to adjust to not having a whole person in your life anymore? Someone you shared everything with suddenly disappears without a trace. And the cruel time forces you to forget the memories but sews the pain of separation into your skin.

He left Dorcas’s place and while he was intending to go home he couldn’t. It was a road he took for the first time but knew by heart. 

It took him some time to get in and it took him half an hour to find the place but he finally stood in front of the grave for the first time.

And he just stood there, for hours.