Chapter Text
"Father- please.." He could still hear his cries, cries for a death man to come back. However, he couldn't deny it, the feeling he felt when he saw his son- falling. He could remember his own breathing stopped- he didn't wanted to breathe.
He knew his mask- operated in tandem with his armor to regulate his breathing, facilitate his speech, and protect his body from harmful contaminants. Few or rather no one realized its true function, as they were too fearful to see beyond its grim visage. Luckily for his life support suit, it breathed instead of him. So he wouldn't pass out.
The force though, luckily- managed to slow down the fall, so his son is- he felt he's alright.
His 2.03 meter height, could be scaring. It's scaring. That's what he's supposed to be seen. Big, scary, and all of that.
However, his suit is- the armor's belt and chest plate held the controls for the life support system, ensuring that his body received enough oxygen, nutrients, and medicine; through this system, he could endure nearly any environment, including the vacuum of space and the depths of the sea, although the suit's on board oxygen reserves wouldn't last for long and the suit was prone to rupturing if exposed to a strong enough external pressure. Even Vader knew he- could however use the Force to manipulate external conditions around him to form an environment he could comfortably operate in and even deactivate his breathing apparatus to approach a target stealthily, although the process greatly weakened him if prolonged.
Which would anger his master.
The suit could also withstand technopathy from Eternal Rur. His master really would be angry if he destroyed it somehow. In addition to its life-support functions, his helmet contributed to giving him a frightening appearance, and could be removed to use a feeding tube in his private chamber due to his inability to eat normally. The high pressure and hyper-oxygen supplied while the private chamber was closed around him give him a chance to safely live without his armor.
Vader sighed in relief when he felt his son is okay. That's all what he needed to feel, the force- his son- it's alright.
"Lord Vader?" Piett asked with a little smile, and Vader doesn't know why, nor knows how- but Piett- the admiral, soon captain, is so kind, to him- to everyone.
He doesn't deserve the kind treatment, and maybe Piett doesn't treat him kindly- just like Vader wants to know. Maybe he pretended all of the kindness to Vader- but then, why Vader never trusting anyone- why he can't trust anyone?
"Yes.. Admiral?" Piett then as he needs to, started explaining the new plans- things Sidius wants. The Emperor.
Vader tilt's his head towards Piett. "These plans... Seems.. unnecessary Admiral," He said, but he knew. Piett understood what he wanted to tell. "Alright, Lord Vader,"
before he left, Vader felt his chest- painfully tightening- doing something. After he heard the door closing, Vader let out a tiredly sigh. He was tired- but he couldn't take a 'day off' he's the Emperor- stupiduselessmachineslavelapdogbitch- soldier. Vader looked at the window and slowly putting his hands on the window. Sometimes he just wondering what would've happened if he 'never' met Sidius. Because Vader knew, he's not happy anymore with the Dark side, he never was. He just turned because of his...
Because he was too weak to fight back- because he failed his old master. Obi-Wan, I'm sorry. He never thought he would thought about something like this- but as much as he see the stars, he just wishes he could seek redemption. Even he doesn't deserve it. Even he knows he deserved all the pain he got. He still get. He just got tired about, being like this. Vader sighed- tilted his head then backed away from the window. He has a place to be.
He needs to go.
As he turned away from the window- he again felt his chest tightening painfully, but he ignored it. He deserved the pain.
Even he couldn't protest about not deserving it. He knows too well he does. He's sorry for what he did, and he doesn't want to do thing, do those things. It's making every day, his days, painfully slow. To remember- to hear their screams, pain, fear, all towards him.
All towards the machinethemonsterthecoldsoldier. Vader knew he shouldn't think of-
Do you really think, you deserve a chance? Everyone should be better without you, and you know it. Everyone hates you.
Vader looked down at the floor- he knew these voice's too well. He wasn't surprised anymore when he heard them. His master would just hurt him again if he realizes 'his' soldier has those in his head. I'm sorry for being a failure my master.
He's not sorry.
He's just tired.
He can't explain the feeling he everyday feels. He always feels so angry, much hatred, then just sometimes he would feel hopelessly tired. Sad. Painfully numb. Vader didn't realized there was a trooper, just only when he fell to the floor.
On the floor.
"I'm sorry!" The trooper apologized immediately.
Vader sighed- he heard those words so many times. "It's... an useless thing to apologize," Vader said while standing up slowly, the trooper looked like- Vader looked at the trooper before raising his hand towards him.
"There's no need to apologize, back work." The trooper looked frozen in place but Vader really couldn't stay there more. So he left while feeling the feargladness and pain.
After he- it took sometimes- arrived to the hangar, he saw his ship already prepared. They knew when he wanted his ship, they knew him too well- or just feared their lives.
Maybe that's it.
However, today Vader has a mission, he needs to go to Obi-Wan Kenobi- and make sure his son is alright- they're never separated. No. They kept the distance, but never stopped communicating. Obi-Wan told him how sorry he was, and Vader could've hated the man, but he couldn't. He was too tied.
It was too true to be real.
After some months, Vader got used to meet Obi-Wan and his son(who he fought). Yes, Vader knew about his son, and he really appreciated that Obi-Wan kept his son safe- because Vader was sure his son would be in danger if Sidius knew about Luke. (Looks like Luke already made himself into danger)
"Hello Anakin, it's been long since you came.." Obi-Wan said, while smiled at the Sith Lord. "I'm happy though, to see you Anakin," Vader sighed, because he knew it, Obi-Wan wouldn't call him by his Sith name. No matter how Vader wanted him to.
Though, Vader was a little sorry he hadn't the time to meet them again. (He wanted to apologize to his son for hurting him on bespin)
He hadn't had the time to come, but now he had. So he came.
"As I said. I'll come when I can.. Obi-Wan.." Vader said and Obi-Wan looked like wanted to say something. "Obi-Wan, what's wrong?" The man sighted, but shook his head. "Nothing to be afraid.." but Vader didn't wanted this. "Tell me," he said, maybe harshly- but he really- come to care about them. "I-"
Obi-Wan sighed then sat down, gesturing Anakin to do too. Vader did. "It's.. about 'your' master Anakin. He's ... Tried to-" Vader held up his hand.
"He tried what?" Vader knew Obi-Wan felt his anger, but he couldn't care now.
"He tried- what?" Vader asked again, and he saw Obi-Wan closing his eyes. "He tried to take Luke-" Vader stood up, he didn't let the sentence to be finished, because no. This is not going to happen.
"I'll take care of it.. Obi-Wan.." He said before turning around, and he felt his cape grabbed by someone. That someone was Obi-Wan Kenobi. Vader stopped and turned around to see, his old master holding his cape in his hand. Vader tilted his head to see his old master better. "Let go," He said, but Obi-Wan didn't moved.
"Let. Go." Vader warned- but Obi-Wan didn't let go. Didn't moved. He looked into Obi-Wan eyes and saw something. Pain? No. Strength? Yes, but it isn't what he see in Obi-Wan eyes. Fear.. He realizes.
"I am capable of protecting myself," He said, trying to reassure his old master. It didn't looked like it reassured him. Vader sighed and turned around to see his master in front of him. His eyes looked- fiercely? Vader couldn't explain what he see in his old master's eyes.
"I know you are," Obi-Wan started softly. "But I'm worried about you Anakin," he said and his face softened. "I know, you're a Sith, I know you can take care of yourself but- are you really okay?" Obi-Wan asked, and it made Vader frozen. He couldn't- he doesn't know. He's of course okay! How could he not?
"I'm not talking about psychically, but I'm worried about you, taking care-" the yourself went unsaid. Obi-Wan couldn't said out loud. It was already hard to see his sonbrother like this. In painfearangerhatred, Obi-Wan knows Anakin is still in 'Vader' and he won't give up on his son. He loves Anakin too much to let him go. He doesn't care if it's not a Jedi way.
He isn't a Jedi.
"I am.."
"Don't start Anakin, please stay," with us went unsaid.
Obi-Wan doesn't want to push the Sith Lord. He knows Anakin is struggling, he can see it. Denying he's Anakin Skywalker, denying his love for Luke, denying his health. Darth Vader isn't okay, but he will fix it. He will.
"Please," Obi-Wan says, and he knows Vader, is struggling. "It's okay Anakin," he reassure him, because he doesn't want to force Anakin. He would never call his Sith name, because it isn't his name. Not for him. Never.
"Under one condition," Vader said, almost whispered. "Alright," Obi-Wan said with a soft smile. Vader sighed, although his mask, plus the breathing covers it. "I'll be leaving tomorrow, early morning," Vader said and Obi-Wan nodded. "Alright,"
he said and stopped himself from hugging Anakin. He knows Anakin is, well, not the best of showing affection, not after the 'death' he got, or when Obi-Wan almost left him on Mustafar.
He couldn't, that's why they are still in touch.
Anakin needed him, and Obi-Wan was there. They forgave each other. Obi-Wan would always forgive his light, Anakin. He was like a son to him. Will always be.
"Then, come, I'll show your room," Vader wanted to roll his eyes, but he can't. So he just nodded slowly, almost hesitantly and followed Obi-Wan. "There is it, it's not much but- it's enough I think," Obi-Wan said and gesturing towards the bed, room, and showing where is where. Vader just gave a grateful nod before laying down on the bed. Though, not sleeping. His eyes burning but he can't sleep. Not like he doesn't want to, he just can't.
UselessUselessUseless
Vader turned to his other side and watched the door, which was open, because he can't do anything else than, staying in one place, and being surrounded by his own thoughts. Unnecessary,nonsense,useless
He tells himself, but eventually his own thoughts know better than he is. Right? He never doubted himself, even when he attacked his master, which ended bad for him, Sidius- well, reminded him where his place was. He now knows it. Vader gave away, the tiredness, he can't sleep, if his body is telling him, he can't.
The pain, the pain which he endures is, keeping him up. Through everything is too numb for him. So- different. Vader feels- no, he doesn't feels, he just knows, he's laying on a pillow. Not so soft, but soft enough, he thinks- he doesn't think much. Only when he does. He just doesn't feel he's slipping away, into his thoughts, only when someone talks to him. That's when he realizes when he's- he doesn't fight the urge to sleeping. He can't, he knows he can't.
He only 'sleeps' when he passes out, or he's in the condition to 'sleep' which only, he always forgets when was the last time he 'slept'. He doesn't mind it. If he doesn't know, he doesn't need to worry about it.
'He's was the one.. h-he k-killed m-my fam-family.'
'Oh god.. I'm so sorry about your family..'
'Its.. it's not your faul-fault..'
'I heard.. he's only a heartless monster, like, he doesn't have a heart'
'Yeah.. I know this rumor.. it's true-'
Vader felt the pain again in his head. These voice's was the victims families, and Vader knows he didn't heard those words, but his mind did. Now, they're torturing him even more. He doesn't know, he doesn't wanna know why, he just wanna sleep. He's so tired to hear them.
The voices in his mind.
You killed them.
Without showing any mercy. Vader knows it. He did. He was the one who killed those people. That, it was hard for himself too, but he knows they doesn't care about it. He did, killed them, but they doesn't know how hard was for him. Even he didn't showed any mercy, those pain, only would come when he's alone, vulnerable, and attackable.
It's all your fault.
You know.
Why not killing yourself than killing more innocent people?
Everybody would be better without you.
Vader didn't wanted to hear those things. He already did, and he was tired. The pain, in his body, he can't feel the pain, it's just now feels so numb. He only felt the burning feeling in his eyes.
He knows those words true. But if he would kill himself, his master would not let him go. His master would punish him if he ever did that.
'Hope he dies someday'
'He's a monster'
'He's just a lapdog to the emperor'
'I heard he's more machine than a man'
'stupid soldier'
'he's a mosnter'
Vader was too tired to acknowledge these words. He already heard them a thousand times in his mind. He would only be free from this pain, if he's with someone. Piett, or Tarkin, or even just someone who keeps him company. There's not much choice for Vader, because there's a little people who wants to be with his side. That means he has only Tarkin, or Piett, or Veers. His master is not a choice.
Even Obi-Wan too.
What time is it?
Vader tilt his head to see through the window but he only see darkness. So it's night already. He's needs to endure this pain more, more hours. Vader sigh's tiredly. The eyes was open, even felt like closed. It would never close. Not for his own force. He heard his slow breathing by the helmet. He couldn't take it off, outside, only in his- he doesn't want to think about that place. He doesn't want to think anything. He's just so tired. He wants to sleep- but he can't. Not now.
Hopefully, soon his body would have up on him, and let him fall to the darkness.
"Hey Anakin.. it's.. time?" Vader shook his head before sitting up.
So he ... Okay.
Vader got up and without saying anything he left. He felt Obi-Wan's disapproval but he couldn't care. He have a place to be. Even he doesn't like to be there.
"I am.. coming back.. when I have.. time," and with that, he left them. Hopefully, there would not gonna be more, than a goodbye. Vader walked in the ship and let the droid drive it.
"Back to the emperor.." that's all he said before sitting down, looking down on the floor and crossed his arms. The droid made some sound before he felt the ship moving. I'm sorry Obi-Wan, I'm sorry Luke.. he thought before passing out.
-
After Vader 'woke' up, he didn't needed to know where he was. He recognized the room, where he was been so many times. Now he's curious what the Sith Lord gonna do to him.
He was in the 'medical' room, where he was 'born'. Vader looked around but didn't got a chance to think because-
"Oh my apprentice.. would you mind talking to your master?"
Vader knew that Sidius knew where he was, although, he wouldn't tell it. He can't. He won't. Not until he's dead. No, never. So he did what he shouldn't. Lied.
"I was.. in a meeting.. my.. master.."
Sidius looked at Vader before grinned. "Well then my boy.. you need to learn your lesson about lying, isn't it true?" He said while Vader looked into Sidius eyes. He already struggling to get out from the chains which holding down him. He tried to open his mouth but-
"Ma-" before he could say anything, he realized- his helmet wasn't- his helmet was off. He was- no,nonononono.
Vader felt his breathing fastening, he tried to look anywhere except Sidius, and he felt his heart beating faster, and faster by minutes. He felt the tears in his eyes, which didn't left, blurring his vision and he felt- he couldn't hear. Ring.ring. He felt a cold hand, a droid, grabbing his face. Nonononono. Vader tried to get away, but the droid held his face in place, then another droid came into his view. Vader struggled more and more as the other droid came closer to him. With a- with a- chainsaw. The other droid starting it, and Vader's eyes went wide open. He tried to kick them away, but realized, the force isn't- nononono.
Nonono?
He couldn't hear, he choked back a sob as he tried so much to stop himself from crying. Tried to slowing down his breathing but it was too much. He looked at Sidius before back at the droid.
Please please please please please,
His heart beating too fast, too loud, his breathing, he couldn't, he couldn't hear- Then he suddenly felt so much- so intensive- so- The chainsaw met his chin,
Broom,
grrrewk,
vroom,
crack,
crack,
creaaack,
Then Vader heard something fell. He couldn't tell what it was, he felt so numb, especially his chi-
Vader screamed when he felt something, a hand making contact with his chin- nonononono, the pain was so intensive he thought he would pass out. He didn't.
Vader screamed, screamed and felt his throat burning, but he couldn't stop. The pain was too much. Then just- he heard a sickening crack, and everything was- gone- numb. Vader tried to breathe but he felt his breathing quickening and trembled. He didn't saw anything, except the blackness in the corner of his vision and the so- loud heart beat.
He didn't thought of hearing anything- because his ears was ringing like hell. He tried to take a breath, but he realized his- no...
"Thank you," he heard Sidius's mockingly voice. He couldn't care. It's hurt, it's hurt, please stop,stop,stop,
"So Vader. You wouldn't tell me where you've been. So why would I let you talk, if you wouldn't say anything useful?" And Vader knew what was in- his- no- his chin- Vader eyes went wide open, and he could feel the blood on his body, so-
"Yes.. it is your chin, and I just wanted to remind you, you're mine."
Sidius said while took the chin into a box and sent it away. He walked closer to Vader and smiled. He felt so close passing out.
"So... You a collar too would do a great job.."
and Vader wanted to say no. He wanted to but- "Nnnh.." He shut his mout- he tried to scream but it only- only came out so wrong. So.. so wet sound so wrong..
"It's looks like, working" He heard Sidius's voice.
He felt so numb to care, he was- ithurtithurtithurtithurt. He could think of anything except the pain. Wow
Vader choked out a sob, which came out a gurgling, wet sound, so wrong.
"Good dog.. good.." he heard Sidius's voice, and he doesn't know, but he surely he missed- when Sidius putted the collar on his neck. Around his neck.
He couldn't tell how many minutes he was been in there, or days? Hours?
"It's says-.. -.. -you are my apprentice? -ren't you?"
Vader didn't answered. It was too much. Painpainpainpain, he let his head fall down, and he felt nothing.
The pain, the feeling, everything coming back to him now.
He- before he felt nothing, he felt someone grabbing him and throwing out from the room.
Then everything went black.
-
When he came back to his senses he heard some muffling sounds near him. "Hngn-" He tried to talk, but realized he can't. He let his body fall back to the bed? and tilted his head when he saw two man? above himself.
"-der?"
"-s -ot -re?"
"-n't ...-"
Vader couldn't hear what they're tried to say but- the darkness was so inviting, and he really needed sleep. So he succumbed back to the unconsciousness.