Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Since Maria’s return from the snap in the last three months things were nothing but pure chaos and overwhelming in every aspect of her life. She couldn’t even try to focus or grasp everything that happened. Right now she was still stuck in a grieving period from learning about Natasha. It seemed like ‘old news’ to everyone else and she never talked about it. Instead, she laid awake in that lingering state of insomnia and never ending exhaustion.

It was some overtired state that compelled Maria’s brain to conjure up a scenario and once she was there, she couldn’t leave. She was sitting a bar, in a corner booth. The bar was empty, not another person around but you could still hear light bustling like people were there. It was warmly lit and the wooden booths had a light oak wood color. Maria looked around confused for a moment. In reality, she wouldn’t mind sitting in a bar right now, so she guessed that’s why she was here.

Suddenly Natasha showed up, Maria was a mix of shocked and unsurprised. Natasha was sitting across from her, casually, in the cool relaxed way Natasha always sat. Natasha’s hair was a rich red, it was was long, a little unruly but in an ‘out running errands’ type of vibe. Natasha didn’t look surpassed to be there at all.

“You’re late.” Maria said a bit annoyed. Even in her mind she had to wait for Natasha to show up. This was the first thing Maria said to Natasha? Seriously?

“This one is on you.” Natasha smirked as it quite literally was and Maria laughed.

“Hill! How’s life?” Natasha joked with a little play on words or play on the situation.

“I don’t know. Chaotic, overwhelming, louder than I remembered it?” Maria mumbled.

“I guess it’s okay though.” Maria shrugged.

“How is death?” Maria in the same tone as Natasha joked.

“After the initial shock and fear of it, it’s not so bad. Surprisingly warm. I don’t have to tell you, though.” Natasha smirked and Maria looked a little glum.

“Yeah, I guess it’s not so bad when you can’t think about it anymore.” Maria mumbled to herself.

“Debbie downer over here, yikes.” Natasha took a sip of her beer and even though she drank from the mug the amount of beer in her cup stayed the same.

“Oh, bottomless, nice!” Natasha held up her beer mug to cheer hers with Maria’s but Maria didn’t hold hers up.

“You are going to leave me hanging, seriously, Hill?” Natasha asked stunned. Natasha was so full of life and energetic, she just glowed from the joy of being here in this bar alone with Maria.

“You can’t cheer if you take a sip first, it’s bad luck.” Maria cautioned.

“You think my luck is going to get worse?” Natasha couldn’t help but laugh, but Maria looked serious.

“Fine.” Natasha said she slid the beer glass across the table and it fell off the edge, onto the ground it didn’t crash or break and a new one appeared immediately appeared on the table.

“Wow! I love this place. Talk about the Avenger we always needed. Come to Hill’s brain where there’s no mess and never ending drinks. And when you sit with someone at bar you can actually hear them talk and it’s not too hot or too cold, and the lighting is just right, a warm dim-y glow.” Natasha held her beer up again and this time Maria did cheer her before they both took a drink but neither of their cups lost any beer. It could be great up in Maria’s head if she wanted it to be.

“Why isn’t there any food?” Natasha looked around at the mostly empty table that had nothing on it except their beer mugs.

“Oh my god.” Maria groaned. Was Natasha this annoying in real life?

“You think I want to come out of the void for there not to be any food? I’m not in my twenties anymore beer on an empty stomach just doesn’t sit right.” Natasha said with a big playful grin on her face.

Maria imagined two plates of some fancy salad that’s all she could think of.

“Happy?” Maria asked and Natasha looked down at her plate.

“Hill, what is this? Am I happy to eat a meal of beer and salad? What is wrong with you? You think I came out of the dark for iceberg lettuce overpowered by like old goat cheese or something, what are you thinking? Ordering this in a bar?” Natasha laughed as she examined the plate.

“I hate you.” Maria groaned as the food changed again to buffalo wings.

“You’re making me say these things.” Natasha said with a laugh again because it was true.

“Better?”

“Too messy.” Natasha squinted.

“There’s no messes here remember?” Maria pointed out.

“I know that’s a cute little gag for this bit you have going on but you know your mind is a total mess, right?” Natasha asked a little more seriously.

“Don’t even get me started.” Maria muttered and she changed the food again to one large shared basket of French fries that sat between them.

“There we go!” Natasha approved.

“You don’t want anything with protein?” Maria questioned.

“Protein? For what? No. I want to stuff my face with unlimited fried potatoes and never feel bad about it again.” Natasha answered gleefully grabbing a handful of the fries and Maria smiled.

“So, buddy, what’s going on?” Natasha asked leaning in toward the table looking at the dismayed Maria. She would have thought Maria would be pretty happy to see her, instead she looked so sad despite her attempts at smiling and laughing.

Maria thought about how to answer Natasha and she was quiet.

“Why are you laying your bed at 2:45 AM awake and conjuring up dead women in your mind at a bar we clearly have never been to but is a mix of like four places different we’ve gone to? Are you having a nervous breakdown?” Natasha asked.

“That seems the most likely.” Maria nodded.

“Well snap out of it. Ha! Get it, snap?” Natasha joked.

“That’s not funny.” Maria dismissed.

“Ahh give it a couple years.” Natasha waved her hand and Maria looked unimpressed shaking her head no.

“Alright, alright, it’s not funny, I know, I do know that, for real.” Natasha got a bit more serious to match Maria’s tone.

“Why did you leave me here with all these people? I hate all these people.” Maria finally asked Natasha abruptly and sadly. Natasha looked around the empty bar there wasn’t a soul around but fake Natasha knew that wasn’t what she meant.

“Do you even notice them?” Natasha joked.

“I notice that you’re not here.” Maria pointed out quickly.

“Oh c’mon.” Natasha waved off. This wasn’t going to be a grief session, was it? Natasha was not a therapist.

“Can’t we have a good time, can’t we just have fun and laugh like before?” Natasha asked.

“I don’t think so, not yet anyway. I want too, but it’s just so hard.” Maria sighed.

“Well, you have to try harder than this.”

“What do you even know?” Maria dismissed annoyed and Natasha glared at her.

“What? What! What do you mean? What do I even know? I had to do this same thing five years ago!” Natasha pointed out with a laugh. Where was Hill even getting off with that question.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Maria realized that was true and she didn’t mean to get mad, her grief was mingling with that anger stage pretty closely.

“And, I lost you and Yelena, too.” Natasha pointed out.

“Is she okay?” Natasha asked about Yelena.

“Nobody’s really okay right now.” Maria sighed. There was a lot going on, it was impossible to think and process and realize the loss and change the world had been through.

“Oh..” Natasha made a face.

“I mean, they’re happy to be back and alive again.” Maria quickly added, Maria realized she probably shouldn’t have said that to the woman who died for everyone, but it was true. This was a struggle for everyone.

“Oh! Okay, good. I’m glad. Thank god.” Natasha and Maria both laughed a little.

“But I miss you.” Maria said lovingly and out of nowhere.

“I miss you, too.” Natasha agreed and she tried to smile and Maria just stared at her.

“What?” Natasha asked.

“You had to do it this way?” Maria asked skeptically.

“Yes!” Natasha had no doubts or second thoughts about her decision.

Maria looked at her like she didn’t believe her.

“No, Hill, I just did it because eh, why not? It was faster.” Natasha said sarcastically. Maria looked unimpressed at Natasha.

“Are you mad at me?!” Natasha asked Maria and Maria raised her brows at her and then she shrugged, Maria was afraid to admit that part out loud even in this fake imaged conversation.

“I wanted people to see their loved ones again. You could see your mom again. I just wanted the world to go back to feeling whole.” Natasha admitted.

“What if you are the loved one?”

“You have to get over it.” Natasha said with a loud yet smug sigh.

“Natasha!” Maria scolded sternly and Natasha was not phased.

“No, get over it. People didn’t die so you can wallow around and be miserable, hanging onto an idea of me that was never going to be the same when you came back anyway.” Natasha dismissed rather casually.

Maria looked angry and offended.

“What?” Natasha asked.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Maria asked stunned.

“Hill. First of all, you are doing it to yourself. I was hanging out in the nothing, just fine, no responsibility, no thoughts, no problems, and suddenly I’m just popped in here to deal with your internalized emotional crisis.” Natasha pointed out pointing a French fry at Maria.

“I get to be sad, I get to miss you and grieve and I get to ask questions and have emotions, even if it’s just in here.” Maria asserted, she was saying to herself but in the image of Natasha who she somehow changed into adversary.

“Yes. You can always miss me and you can be sad. But, this? Girl. This is like … a lot …” Natasha gave side eye to the bar set up and then opened her hands and gestured to the this imagined world Maria created in her grief.

“Like look at this mash up level of detail, there’s a pool table over there, and you can vaguely hear people playing pool despite nobody playing pool.” Natasha pointed out.

“I wanted to be alone.” Maria shrugged.

“But I didn’t want to be a weird alone where it was too quiet.” Maria added in.

Natasha raised her brows and tilted her head at Maria.
“So you are focusing on setting the ambiance for a fake conversation with a fake person?” Natasha laughed.

“I wanted to feel chill!” Maria explained.

“You’re right. There’s nothing weird about being in a ghost bar.” Natasha couldn’t stop smiling and it was totally the opposite of Maria’s mood. Like Natasha just wanted to goof off and have a nice time. She didn’t want take things too seriously.

“You know what? Get lost. I can’t, even.” Maria huffed jokingly at Natasha for smacking her fake bar and Natasha immediately disappeared. Maria gasped as she didn’t realize she could do that as the logic of this fake place was very unclear to her. She didn’t mean to do that… right? Wait did fake Natasha do it?

“Oh no! Come back to the ghost bar. No, no.” Maria shook her head and covered her eyes with her hands upset with herself. And Natasha reappeared again this time in a cute gray leather jacket and she had blonde chin length bob that was very cute.

“Whoa, you full on ‘Thanosed’ me there.” Natasha said grabbing her beer again and taking a drink.

“I did, a bit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay, just a warning though I’m not going to sugar coat anything in order to just keep sitting here. I guess unless come back with a haircut I really like, then I’ll try to stay around longer.”

“I like this haircut.” Maria said.

“Me too, it’s a good one. You should cut your hair like this.”

“Maybe I will. Should I dye it blonde too?”

“You, a blonde?” Natasha asked curiously.
“I can’t see that.” Natasha shook her head.
“No, I don’t think it would look right.” Maria agreed and they both laughed.

“Can you make mine red again?” Natasha pointed to her hair and then her hair changed back to red but in the same bob and it looked awesome.

“This is kind of fun. We could just stay in here change our clothes and hair and never think about anything real or important again.” Natasha proposed.

“Okay.” Maria agreed with a smirk she was fine with that.

“I’m being sarcastic.” Natasha looked down at her jacket.

“Oh! Is this one of the jackets you stole from me?” Natasha asked.

“I gave that one back, it was too short in my arms.” Maria defended herself.

“Yeah, yeah. Remember that one you “borrowed” the dark brown one, with the gold zipper?” Natasha asked. Maria shook her head no.

“I want that back.” Natasha added.

“I don’t have it.” Maria lied and suddenly she was wearing that same jacket that Natasha described.

“Did… did your subconscious just betray you?” Natasha asked with a big grin.

“Just because I remember it doesn’t mean I have it.” Maria clarified.

“You can keep it.” Natasha said with a little laugh.

“Thanks…” Maria bit her bottom lip.

“Which you were clearly going to do anyway…” Natasha glared at Maria with a light smile.

“Can’t give it back if you’re not here.” Maria pointed out.

“You’re right! Reverse time!! Go back!! I take it back! I changed my mind if I can’t get my jacket back that Maria stole I’m going to reverse everything! Fuck the soul stone!!!” Natasha yelled into the empty bar jokingly.

Maria rolled her eyes.

“If you really wanted it you knew were I lived and you could have raided my closet and taken what you wanted.” Maria snarked.

“You are right, I should have showed up to your grieving mother’s house and been like ‘I just want my jackets back.’ Did you notice I said jackets, plural?” Natasha teased.

“I didn’t have that many.” Maria rolled her eyes. What? Did she have like two or six of them?

“It’s fine, I had a better eye for jackets than you, that’s fine. You can’t have every skill.” Natasha teased and Maria grinned but shook her head no.

“Ohhhkay, lady.” Maria said like Natasha was nuts.

“Truth is truth.” Natasha stuck to her guns and she looked at Maria to confirm. Maria sighed loudly.

“Fine! You happened to get lucky a few times, and found better jackets than me. Sometimes.” Maria admitted with an eye roll.

“I’ll take that one to the grave.” Natasha joked with a laugh.

“Stop it!” Maria huffed, it wasn’t funny.

“That was hilarious.” Natasha defended herself.

“No it isn’t.” Maria snapped back.

“Is it doing you a lot of good to pretend I’m not dead?” Natasha asked.

“No.” Maria answered quickly.

“And I’m not. I asked you how death was, if you recall.” Maria pointed out.

“I mean, does that count? What else you were going to ask when you made me show up late to your own imagination?” Natasha asked with a little laugh and Maria sighed.

“I’m dead, I died. Gone forever. Never coming back, dead, totally dead. I died alone on the cold hard ground.” Natasha said and she wasn’t sad about it, it was like she was saying it boldly.

“Stop.” Maria said in a demanding tone.

“That’s the truth. It sucks, but it is what it is. I’m over it.” Natasha said confidently. Maria looked stern and mad at Natasha for saying those things.

“Hill, c’mon. It was going to happen one day any way. It’s going to happen to you too… again…” Natasha said with a lighter sigh.

“It’s harder, knowing what’s waiting for you even though you already, always kind of knew there was nothing there.” Maria admitted. There was a lot of emotions going on, grieving Natasha, recovering mentally for being dead for five years without knowing it.

“At least next time when it happens to you, we’ll be together.” Natasha offered some relief.

Maria shook her head no.

“You know we won’t.” Maria said solemnly.

“It’s just nothing and nobody. You know it and I know it too. Nothing means anything, everything is pointless. It’s stupid, it’s dumb. Everything is so fucked up.” Maria said in a frustrated and aggravated tone yet she couldn’t even believe she was complaining to the woman who sacrificed her life so Maria could be back in this fucked up place.

“Well, not to quash this misery party early, but everything was pointless and meaningless and fucked up before you blipped too. It was like that before you were born and it will be like that after you finally leave this life for good. It doesn’t mean you can’t make it meaningful or have purpose again, if you so choose.”

“Why? Why even bother? We do all the work that nobody sees, that nobody even knows exists and in the end what do we get? Nothing. Literally. You got nothing.” Maria sighed.

“Since when do you care about getting something out of it?” Natasha asked skeptically, who was this woman? This was not the Maria the Natasha remembered.

“The men always get to go home and we don’t, and never makes any sense to me.” Maria said annoyed.

“They have families.” Natasha shrugged.

“We…” Maria started

“You have family and you just left her!” Maria raised her voice at Natasha. Maria’s own underlying abandonment issues coming through as she referenced Yelena.

Natasha looked shocked and then sad, because it was true.

“I know.” Natasha acknowledged.

“What were you thinking?” Maria scolded more than asked.

“That I’d miss her a lot.” Natasha admitted and Maria shook her head at Natasha.

“What did you expect me to do?” Natasha asked seriously.

“Something else!”

“There wasn’t anything else I could do.”

“You guys cheated time once and you can’t do it again?” Maria scoffed.

“Yeah, you’re right, I should have lured another timeline’s version of me back to this timeline, tricked her and then forced her to sacrifice herself for this timeline that she does’t live in, just so you wouldn’t have to be sad for a while.” Natasha muttered but she added a little laugh. Maria rolled her eyes, she didn’t mean it like that. Surely, they could have found some way.

“But go head, go find some other me. Steal a variant of me away from another variant of you. Very ethical.” Natasha nodded as she sipped her beer again which was now a bottle and not a mug. Maria didn’t even notice when she changed it in her mind.

Maria just sighed, the Natasha she imagined up in her mind was right.

“There are more important people in this world than me.” Natasha pointed out.

“To who?” Maria asked. To Maria? To Yelena?

“You’re right, Maria, you’re right. I’m sorry.” Natasha said trying not to sound sarcastic even though she was.

“I was only thinking about myself and no one else.” Natasha added.

“Extremely selfish of you to sacrifice your life so everyone could see their loved ones again even if you couldn’t.” Maria agreed. This was Maria joking to herself, since there was nothing but selflessness about it even if Yelena and Maria did get hurt. Maria knew she was the one being selfish because it hurt so much but she could never say these things out loud she could only think about them in a place like this where nobody would ever judge her for thinking them, except this fake version of Natasha who was appropriately harsh on the topic.

Maria and Natasha stared at each other.

“Can this be tacos now?” Natasha asked pointing to the never ending basket of fries. Suddenly it changed to tacos and Natasha examined it.

“Chicken?” Natasha asked skeptically and Maria changed it to steak tacos.

“Much better.” Natasha nodded.

“Include your specifics I can’t read your mind.” Maria sighed.

“Which is weird because I am a creation of your mind so you can read my mind actually.” Natasha grimaced.

“I can’t believe all you want to do is eat.”

“I mean, c’mon I’ve been dead for what like five years? Ten years? I’m starving.”

“Like.. three months.” Maria corrected.

“Three months!? That’s it? It feels like forever.”

“It really does.” Maria groaned.

“Only three months? Ohh. No wonder you are mess. I feel kind of bad, I thought you were like beside yourself for years and just reached in the depth of your mind for momentarily relief.” Natasha realized Maria was in a hard spot for healing.

"Three month mark? That’s the hardest when you lose a loved one. Because everyone else has moved on, and you know you should be too but you just can’t let go. But then you start to let go a little on accident and then you remember that you forgot and you get hit with all over again and now this time you are mad at yourself too. It sucks. I remember that three month when you were gone, it sucked a lot.” Natasha acknowledged as she grabbed a taco.

“It sure does. Even if people don’t say it. It’s like you can see them thinking that you need to put your grief away now. I saw so many happy people reuniting and I just wanted that moment with you so bad.” Maria sighed.
“Yeah.” Natasha mumbled.

“I wish I could have given it to you.” Natasha sighed. The two of them paused for a minute and it was quiet. Even in her mind Maria had awkward pauses.

“So, what have you been up to since you’ve been back?” Natasha asked in a light tone.

“I’m thinking about becoming a villain.” Maria joked.

“Uhm, is my death your origin story?” Natasha perked up.

“Yeah.”

“And what would do?”

“In my goal to avenge your unnecessary and cruel death, I’ll be like a villain of minor inconveniences. I’ll set Thor’s shower so it will always be lukewarm no matter what he does.”

“Vicious.”

Maria laughed.

“What else?”

“I’d set Fury’s devices to reverse autocorrect so all words are automatically spelt wrong.”

Natasha laughed.

“Bruce?”

“None of his food would ever be seasoned enough.”
“Careful, don’t make him too mad.” Natasha grimaced and Maria laughed.

“Clint?”

“Decaf, watered down, cold coffee forever, and his socks are always dirty and not matching.”

“Ohh, wow, someone arrest this evil mad woman, she will stop at nothing to avenge me in the most meager ways possible.” Natasha laughed and Maria laughed too.

“Wait, why are you avenging me by going after the people on our side?” Natasha asked a little confused despite how much she liked the ideas.

“Uhm… I don’t know. But, see how it works is I’ll just drive them all crazy until they give up, turn on each other.”

“That’s a good plan.”

“Wait, what about Tony?” Natasha asked, Maria had to want to mess with Tony she worked for him he was a lot at times.

Maria paused and she looked at Natasha with a questionable look.

“Tony died.” Maria revealed.

“He did?” Natasha asked surprised and she frowned.

“Yeah, he died killing Thanos.” Maria explained.

“We killed Thanos.” Natasha looked confused.

“He jumped timelines and came back and tried to snap again.”

“After I did all that!” Natasha yelled stunned.

“Yeah. But Tony died killing him and his army so you didn’t die vain or anything.”

“Well that was nice of Tony.” Natasha laughed.

“Tony was a good guy.” Natasha looked glum.

“Yeah.” Maria nodded in agreement.

“You going to do this with him after me?” Natasha teased.

“Christ, no.” Maria shook her head.

“Let’s invite him!” Natasha said and Tony appeared with a confused look on his face.

“What the…” Tony started to ask but was cut off before he disappeared immediately.

“No! This is our time.” Maria shut it down and Tony disappeared instantly. Maybe he popped in for .2 seconds.

“Wow, ruthless. You are a villain.” Natasha laughed.

“Your sacrifice gets a little washed over sometimes.” Maria admitted.

“That’s okay.” Natasha didn’t mind.

“No it’s not.”

“I didn’t do it for the recognition.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve any.”

“I had to get the soul stone, I had to. You can’t say you wouldn’t do the same thing.” Natasha sighed.

“Fuck, the soul stone.” Maria huffed, echoing Natasha’s joke from before but Maria said like she really meant it and she ignored Natasha’s point.

“Wow Hill, are you trying to curse yourself with infinite powerful stones? I can say that, I’m dead, you still have a life to live, don’t want infinite all powerful soul stones lining up to get you.” Nat asked raising a brow.

“Those stones let everyone come back but you, they seem pretty finite to me.”

“Even magic has rules.” Natasha shrugged. There was nothing they could do about that.

“I hate it, it’s stupid.” Maria dismissed. Every time she thought about it she got so mad.

“I know. Me too.” Natasha agreed.

“I’ve never missed someone so much in my whole life.” Maria admitted changing the topic.

“I know the feeling.” Natasha agreed.

“That doesn’t help.” Maria sighed.

“No, it doesn’t.” Natasha sighed too and then the two of them were quiet again.

“We’ve been here awhile…” Natasha pointed out after a pause.

“I don’t want you to go.” Maria said she knew she was hanging onto the pretend Natasha in her mind. She could see things start to disappear slowly in the distance.

“I am going to have to go.” Natasha said plainly not as a warning but as a fact and Maria knew it was true.

“I don’t want to keep having to miss you.” Maria admitted.

“Then don’t.” Natasha said confidently.

“I meant I don’t want to miss you because I want you to be here.”

“I know. But there’s just nothing we can do about that.” Natasha admitted and Maria was quiet because she could just tell her fake time with fake Natasha was coming to an end and still felt has cold and miserable as all the time they lost in the real world.

“When you go through the anger stage of this process, can you conjure up Tony instead? But then me after so we can laugh about it?” Natasha joked with a smile and Maria barely faked a smile as her eyes swelled with tears. Maria saw the food between them disappear.

“C’mon, don’t go.” Maria said in a bit panicked.

“I think you know this little mind mesh imagination land thing has run its course.” Natasha sighed.

“No, I don’t, it hasn’t, I get to decide that.” Maria lied but she knew it was going to be over so soon, but Maria and Natasha exchanged a glance that they both knew this moment was almost over. It wasn’t even real and it still hurt.

“Maria, it doesn’t matter, it is not real.”

“I don’t want to try live carrying all these things I can’t say or feel.” Maria admitted sadly and she grabbed her beer bottle. Originally it was just a glass bottle with no label, now it had paper label she could pull at anxiously.

“So say them and feel them, in the real world, in your real life.”

“To who?” Maria asked again.

“Anyone you want…” Natasha narrowed her brows at Maria and then Natasha paused as she thought about Maria’s point again.

“Anyone but me.” Natasha added.

“It doesn’t help.” Maria sighed.

“It will one day.” Natasha assured. She went through this same thing too.

Maria shook her head no.

“You have a lot of things you need to get back to and I’m keeping from.” Natasha said the way she would excuse herself or leave someone’s company.

“No. I don’t have anything I need to do. I don’t. Don’t go.” Maria asked tearfully. Natasha tried to smile through a grimace but she knew she was about to go.

“Look have your jacket back, I don’t care.” Maria like a little kid bargaining and Natasha’s jacket switched to her dark brown jacket with the gold zippers that Maria was wearing.

Natasha just laughed.

“Thanks, but I don’t think I need anymore.” Natasha looked down admiring her long lost jacket from Hill’s closet. It did look good on both of them.

“There’s too many things we left unsaid.” Maria said quietly and sadly and her eyes were already red from tears swelling up.

“We could have said them now.” Natasha pointed out.

“I want it to be real.” Maria sighed her voiced choked up from crying.

Natasha leaned back against the booth chair. She sighed slowly and quietly as she looked somber, she no longer had that high energy return to the living glow that she did when she first appeared. Even the lighting in the ghost bar started went from a warm to a cold color.

“I had a good time, even if was all fake, but seriously, Hill, please don’t make me cry, I don’t want to leave here sad.” Natasha asked quietly.

Maria didn’t want Natasha to leave sad either. Natasha was right, they just should have had a good time and Maria wasted this whole time grumbling and complaining, feeling sorry for herself, and goofing off a little. The jokes were the best part, even if Maria resisted them at first.

Maria didn’t say any of the things she always wanted to say to Natasha. But, Maria couldn’t say the real things she needed to say to a fake Natasha because it didn’t go anywhere. It just stayed with her. This was the problem Maria was having, too much love, grief, and regret and no where for it go.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, please don’t leave sad.” Maria apologized, she was apologizing for all of it, not saying what she should, making Natasha sad, not just wanting have fun. Maria had too many feelings and emotions coming up she could’t get together. She looked at Natasha and Natasha smiled at her. Maria reached her hand out to Natasha before the moment was gone but bumped her beer bottle and it fell over it shattered on the table. Maria looked down quickly at the broken glass, the glass breaking startled her and then when she looked back up to reach her hand across the table to Natasha before she left, but she was gone and this whole thing was over. Once again, everything between them left unsaid and unfinished.

Chapter Text

Six months post-blip
Three months since Natasha’s last appearance in Maria’s mind.

It was around 8 AM in the morning and Maria had gotten up to make herself some breakfast. Her current state of depression had improved some days and worsened other days. It was impossible to get help to talk about these things mental health professionals had years long waiting lists now that people had come back from the blip. It took so long for people to get their lives back together and the chaos of it was very overwhelming.

Maria was in her kitchen, the early morning sun was shining brightly through he windows over her plants that were clinging to life as she barely remembered to water them anymore. She once lived a life where her apartment was a meticulous living space. So clean and organized that people thought a robot lived there or no human at all. Now it was much more lived in, it was still pretty clean and organized, but for her it was like a total mess.

Maria stood over her sink as she washed some organic blueberries in a colander. She had placed a banana on her plate and a yogurt. This was what she did every morning. It was very mundane and ritualistic at this point. She didn’t even like this for breakfast, she’d love a New York style bagel or a croissant with jam. She dried off her blueberries with a paper towel returning to her basic, boring, life.

Suddenly, Natasha was sitting on Maria’s kitchen counter. Wearing ripped black jeans, and a black leather jacket, that admittedly Maria would ‘borrow’ if Natasha was really around. Natasha’s hair was a light red with a blonde ombre at the bottom and it was pulled back in the messiest ponytail.

Maria jumped from being startled by her presence. She realized this time that fake Natasha wasn’t appearing in her mind but now was out in the open in her kitchen while she was wide awake. Maria shook her head no.

“Yep! I’m back!!” Natasha said with a big grin.

“Natasha Romanoff, Dream Ghost: Part II!” Natasha said eagerly and looking at somewhere random like she was talking to a camera.

Maria groaned and then Maria shook her head no.

“I can’t do this again, shut it down.” Maria muttered with a loud depressed sigh.

“Shut it down? We just got up and rolling.” Natasha whined.

“I can’t do this today, but feel free to leave those boots and that jacket here on your way out.” Maria mumbled.

“Leave my jacket with you? Over my dead body.” Natasha snickered and Maria glared at her.

“You are.. you are unbelievable.” Maria huffed a deep sigh of annoyance.

“C’mon that was funny! It was a good one. Give me some credit already.” Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Are you kidding me!” Maria’s voice got louder, her annoyance very evident now.

“Nope, I’m not kidding you, round two, let’s go!”

“This better not be a trilogy.” Maria muttered and Natasha just smirked and laughed under her breath.

“Why aren’t you just vanishing like last time? Last time I said go away on accident and you disappeared now you won’t leave.” Maria said ready for Natasha to leave, she didn’t have the mental bandwidth for this.

“Also, how is this happening, I’m wide awake.” Maria said trying shut this whole dream ghost thing down before it even started a second time.

“I hate to break to you, but you were wide awake the last time too.” Natasha smirked in her gotcha moment and Maria started at her and then continued to blot dry her blueberries.

“You might be depressed.” Natasha said with obvious tone of voice.

“What? No.” Maria replied sarcastically acknowledging that was clear.

“I’m glad you are feeling normal and not acting out in any unnatural or concerning ways.” Natasha and Maria exchanged a glance as Natasha called her out on what was happening.

Maria paused and she looked around the room, she was too uneasy about this. It wasn’t like before where it was obvious it was fake and she remembered creating the moment in her mind this was happening in her real space, in her actual kitchen.

“Am I in a coma? Am I about to die?” Maria asked, she felt awake and alive, she could feel her finger nails scratch her skin as she ran her right hand over the back of her left hand to make sure she could feel something.

“You are very much alive and not in a coma.” Natasha assured.

Maria stared at Natasha again. This time Maria was very uneasy and skeptical about this whole thing.

“What’s the matter?” Natasha asked.

“I think I’m having full on psychotic break right in front of my face.” Maria admitted, this was too much.

“You know, dream ghosts are actually a normal part of grieving lost loved ones, like for example losing the love of your life.” Natasha winked at Maria.

“The love of my life?” Maria asked trying not to roll her eyes.

“Are you going to tell me I’m wrong?” Natasha baited.

“Are you going to tell me where I can get that jacket?” Maria asked.

“TJ Maxx.” Natasha said deeply sarcastic biting her bottom lip and Maria scoffed.

“Ok. What are you doing here, for real?” Maria asked a little nicer.

“Telling you where to go to update your wardrobe.” Natasha looked at Maria’s drab lounging sweatpants and sweatshirt that were a soft gray and she had been wearing for far more than one day.

Maria looked at Natasha as she put her blueberries in her bowl of yogurt.

“Well, thanks, bye!” Maria said with a short tone and Natasha was still there and Maria groaned.

“Uh.. do you want to tell me what I’m doing here?” Natasha asked Maria. She didn’t make herself appear.

“I did not make this happen. I was just washing some fruit, getting ready for the day.”

“Your day doom scrolling and watching the news and shitty reality shows on the couch?” Natasha asked and Maria rolled her eyes.

“Maybe you’re right, and I am supposed to be haunting someone else.” Natasha looked down at her phone.

“Yeah, what’s Clint doing?” Maria asked.

“Oh, no, look, 8:15 AM ‘haunt Maria.’ It’s right here in our shared calendar, event added by Maria Hill.” Natasha held up her phone.

“We don’t have a shared calendar!” Maria dismissed with a loud sigh.

Natasha looked up at Maria and smirked.

“Could you imagine? Brunch at 11:00 AM, save the world 2:45 PM, rock climbing at 7:00?” Natasha joked.

“Even if we had one, you still would be late.” Maria asserted.

“Time is meaningless, so who cares if you show up a little late or unannounced.” Natasha shrugged with a grin.

“Why are you so happy when you come here?” Maria asked.

“You are so much happier than I remember.” Maria added.

“Oh, did you want to remember me sad?” Natasha asked quickly changing her demeanor to a somber look.

“No!” Maria huffed.

“I’m in a good mood, I’m happy to see you.” Natasha admitted with a surprisingly sweet smile but Maria rolled her eyes despite Natasha’s sincerity.

“Why did you come back?” Maria asked again.

“Why did you make me come back?” Natasha grimaced.

“I didn’t! I wasn’t even thinking about you.”

“I mean, you scheduled it, I showed it to you on the calendar.” Natasha joked. Maria glared at Natasha.

“How come we’re not at the ghost bar?” Natasha asked looking around the kitchen.

“It’s 8:15 in the morning…”

“Time is meaningless!” Natasha repeated.

“Okay, yeah I get it, but like we have to have some standards.” Maria cautioned.

“Glad you’re still Maria Hill in there somewhere.”

“I think most people don’t go to bars at 8:15 in the morning.” Maria shrugged.

“Says the woman talking to a fake woman in her kitchen before she’s even had breakfast.” Natasha laughed.

“Well, thanks for the pop in, I guess, but I’m going to eat breakfast now. So..” Maria looked at Natasha hoping she would disappear. Maybe if she ignored her she would leave.

“I’ll wait.” Natasha said.

“You don’t have to wait.” Maria assured.
“Nah, it’s fine, I have all the meaningless time in the multiverse.” Natasha shrugged.

“No, no, you’re so busy, remember? So just poof and go.” Maria looked at Natasha and she still didn’t disappear.

“I mean what’s the difference if I am here silently looming in the background of your mind while you do mundane things verses if I am not here and still looming in the background of your mind?” Natasha asked.

“I guess I am going to find out.” Maria muttered as she started her coffee. Maria had no sense of urgency just took her time pretending Natasha was not sitting on her kitchen counter, a stupid reality t.v. show was playing mildly in the background on Maria’s T.V. She had been up all night watching these awful shows on a loop. Maria didn’t pay attention to it really but she just couldn’t handle watching anything else last night and she couldn’t be left alone with the misery of her own mind.

Maria took her coffee and her bowl of fruit and yogurt and moved to the couch. She put a blanket over her legs and sat down and put her food on the end table as she switched on the news for awhile.

“Wow, eating on the couch? Not at the table?” Natasha questioned as Natasha appeared next to her on the couch. Maria ignored Natasha.

“What time do you have to be at work?” Natasha asked eagerly.

Maria was quiet.

“Where is work nowadays?” Natasha asked still with an eager voice.

“We aren’t going to work.” Maria said flatly.

“It’s like a Wednesday isn’t it? Isn’t that a work day?”

“For some people.” Maria muttered and her eyes were glued to the news story on the tv.

“Oof, doom news watch.” Natasha narrated as Maria watched the always terrible news and Maria looked pretty glum.

“Remember when the news used to announce all the people whose birthdays it was who turned 100 years old?” Natasha asked.

Then Maria looked over at Natasha unimpressed and then back at the news.

“I guess they aren’t doing that anymore.” Natasha muttered.

“How come you’re not going to work?” Natasha asked surprised.

Maria sighed.

Natasha pointed at some devastating news story on the t.v.

“Seems like the Avengers have a lot they could be doing.” Natasha pointed out and Maria sighed loudly this time.

“I don’t do that anymore, I quit.”

Natasha looked stunned.

“You quit?” Natasha asked shocked.

“Yep.” Maria said like she had no remorse, regret, or second thoughts about it.

Fake Natasha was uncharacteristically quiet. Maria was waiting for Natasha to yell at her or act all over the top, yet she didn’t. She was just quiet as she leaned against the back of the couch. Maria noted the bizarre silence, Natasha was acting like a five year old asking non stop questions and now, nothing?

“What?” Maria asked harshly and she glared at Natasha.

“I didn’t say anything.” Natasha answered quickly.

The two of them exchanged a glance and Maria waited for Natasha to say something but still she said nothing.

“I didn’t want to do it anymore.” Maria defended herself from no one.

“Hey, that’s fine. You can change jobs if you want.” Natasha assured.

Maria looked back at the news for a few moments and then back at Natasha.

“It’s not like I was going to be good at it anymore. They don’t need me, clearly. And it’s just not what I thought I was going to be doing with my life.” Maria again defended herself to no one.

“Maybe Fury will hook you up with something else?” Natasha shrugged.

“I think we’ve gone our separate ways for good. I’m done with all of it.”

“You’re not doing anything with Fury?” Natasha was shocked.

“We don’t even talk.” As Maria said that out loud she kind of surprised herself as she slowly turned her head and looked at the tv and then back at Natasha. It was kind of hard for her to say. It broke her heart too.

“I’m sorry.” Natasha said sympathetically.

“Why would you be sorry?”

“Is that a relationship you want to have in your life?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Okay..” Natasha was quiet because that was very surprising news to her.

“Well, hopefully it will work out."

Maria shrugged like she didn’t even care, but it was clear she did care as her eyes were glued to the chaos unfolding in the world, feeling stuck here unable to do anything about it. She used to be someone who do could something about this kind of stuff, now she ate a breakfast she hated everyday and sat on her couch and just watched everything unfold. She just felt overwhelmed by grief all the time.

“Is there something you want to do?” Natasha asked.

“Eat my breakfast.” Maria answered flatly.

Natasha made a sour face at Maria.

“Why do I have to do something? Can’t I just do nothing for awhile? How many times do I have to be on the brink edge of the world ending before I can just be done and give it to someone else?” Maria asked in a pathetic whine.

“Sure. Of course. It’s a lot, we did a lot. It just seems like maybe you don’t really want to do nothing, though.” Natasha pointed out and Maria groaned.

“I do.”

“How long have you been doing nothing?” Natasha asked.

“I don’t know.” Maria lied.

“Like six months?” Natasha asked and Maria didn’t answer and the two of them were quiet for a minute but Maria could feel Natasha thinking at her.

“What?” Maria asked annoyed and she glared at Natasha.

“Nothing.” Natasha shrugged again.

Maria glared at Natasha again who was now also wearing lounging gray sweatpants and a sweatshirt sitting on the couch and sharing a blanket with Maria. Maria squinted at her.

“Six months is kind of a long time for someone who can’t take a vacation for three days.” Natasha finally said.

“This is different.” Maria mumbled.

Maria sighed and she turned her attention back to the news that just got worse and worse the longer she watched it. Then Maria changed the channel back to a reality show she couldn’t stand but she couldn’t stand to watch anything else.

“Ohh what city of housewives are we watching?” Natasha feigned interest and excitement and then Maria turned the t.v. off.

“I can’t go back to work because I don’t know anything anymore, five years out is a long time. And if I try to go back to what I used to do, I just think about what happened to you and I can’t do it. It just feels personal and miserably dark and hopeless. You died and you didn’t even know if you were doing it for anything.”

“Yeah, it was a big risk, huh?” Natasha said with a little smirk but it faded when she saw how sad Maria was still.

“Is it more miserably dark and hopeless than doing this, alone?” Natasha asked.

“Yes.” Maria confirmed.

“Do you like doing this?” Natasha gestured to the living room.

“What do you think?”

“So go do what you want. You get to live so go live!” Natasha encouraged.

“I can’t do what I really want to do.” Maria looked at Natasha and Natasha sighed because clearly now they were getting into the emotional bit.

“So you’re just going to do nothing?” Natasha exclaimed that was very un-Maria Hill like.

“It’s called being depressed and it’s a normal part of grieving a loved one like the love of your life.” Maria snarked back to Natasha, echoing what she told her before.

“Ha. I knew I was the love of your life.” Natasha said smugly and Maria shook her head.

“I’m going to go take a nap.”

“You just got up!”

“No I didn’t! I went for a run, took a shower, called my mom, started laundry, made breakfast, watched the news, and have dealt with you. That’s a full freaking day.” Maria huffed.

Natasha looked at Maria skeptically with those claims.

“You did not do those things, I for sure can say you definitely did not take a shower.” Natasha joked with a laugh and Maria covered herself with the blanket and let out a frustrated groan as Natasha called her out on this lie that Maria lied to herself somehow not expecting to get caught.

Maria pulled the blanket off herself and sighed.

“You know, look, I can tell you going through something, but it’s hard for me to see you not want to live your life. I’m not saying you have to go to work but go travel, go do something. It’s been six months. That’s a long time to try and get it together. The world could use you if you wanted to lend a hand. Or you should try parasailing. Open a bookstore.”

“Open a bookstore? In this economy, are you kidding?” Maria ignored everything else with her little joke.

“I just kind of thought if people like you came back you’d be kicking ass and saving the world and making sure these huge threats and scary things never happened again. I didn’t think you’d be watching it all unfold on the news in your pajamas isolating yourself from everyone you’ve ever known or cared about.” Natasha said with a grimace.

“Well, I have company today.” Maria shrugged.

“No you don’t, I’m not really here. This doesn’t count.”

“You didn't do it because you wanted people to live their lives you did it because if you didn’t you knew there would be absolutely no chance.” Maria pointed out to Natasha’s claim.

“Yeah, I did it just for a chance that everyone might get to see their loved ones again.” Natasha said calmly and Maria and Natasha were quiet for a moment.

“And, also, I would hope you would wanna keep the world safe and kick ass and do all your cool shit even if your jacket wardrobe got a downgrade.” Natasha added as a joke.

“Well, you were wrong.” Maria said sternly.

“Was I?” Natasha asked skeptically.

“Yes.”

“Mmm, I don’t think I was. In fact, I’m never wrong.” Natasha claimed.

“Yes you are, you’ve been wrong before.” Maria pointed out quickly.

“You’ve been wrong before.” Natasha snarked back.

“Yep.” Maria didn’t even fight it.

“Maybe you’re wrong about this.” Natasha proposed.

“I’m not.”
“What’s Steve doing? You love Steve, go work with him.” Natasha suggested and Maria paused and she looked at Natasha kind of seriously.

“What?” Natasha asked.

“He didn’t die too, did he!?” Natasha asked stunned.
“Steve’s gone.” Maria answered quickly and flatly.

“He’s gone? What do you mean he’s gone!” Natasha asked surprised.

“Yep, he left.” Maria was being short.

“Like he left where? To another planet?” Natasha asked skeptically.

Maria looked at Natasha how did she even explain what Steve did?

“Steve… Steve… went back in time to be with Peggy Carter so he could grow old with someone he loved, in his own era.” Maria explained and Natasha looked surprised, sad, happy for him, but she could tell it was complicated.

“Did Bucky go too?” Natasha asked.

“No, he’s here, him and Sam.. I don’t know.” Maria mumbled. It sounded like Maria kept in touch with some people at least.

“That’s where Steve belonged, I guess.” Natasha sighed.

“So, wait does that mean he didn’t fight Thanos 2? I’m confused. Remember when you said Thanos came back last time…”

“Apparently, if you travel back to the past you don’t mess up the future?” Maria questioned that logic but it seemed okay so far since Steve vanished.

Then Maria looked at Natasha.

“I don’t know why he gets that option and you don’t.” Maria said flatly and with a depressed manner.

“You can’t cheat the soul stone.” Natasha pointed out.

“Sure you can.” Maria quickly retorted.

“If other variants of Thanos exists another variant of you exists.” Maria explained.

“Who told you all this?” Natasha wanted the gossip.

“Sam. We hung out a few times.” Maria shrugged, Maria ghosted everyone though after awhile.

“So, if Steve went back in time to be with Peggy Carter, does that mean he knew he kissed his niece or…” Natasha asked and Maria laughed.

“I don’t know…” Maria laughed again.

“I bet self indulgence based time travel would be a great business, and no consequences since it doesn’t impact the future.” Natasha joked.

“I’m not knocking Steve’s choice, it’s whatever, it’s his life. I just wish you had the chance for it too, that’s all. A lot of people miss you.” Maria admitted.

“Where would you steal me from?” Natasha asked excited.

“I don’t know I’ll have to go back and look at your haircuts.” Maria teased and Natasha tossed a pillow at her lightly.

“Okay, go get me.” Natasha dared jokingly.

“Don’t think I won’t.” Maria said seriously.

“So that’s your self indulgent time travel scenario.” Natasha asked.

“Mmmm, yep.” Maria nodded.

“You could travel back in time and do anything and that’s what’d you do? Steal me from the world for your own selfishness.”

“No question.” Maria said confidently taking a bite of food.

“Well what if that’s not an option?”

“Then I’d go back in time and stop Hydra from infiltrating SHIELD at its formation, and then it wouldn’t have turned out to be an evil monstrosity and then it wouldn’t have to fall an then I’d go destroy that fucking Red Room and free all those women and offer them jobs and mental healthcare.”

“Do I get to help?”

“Yes. You get to do it, if you want it, you know to gut that fucking monster who tortured you and all those women.” Maria offered.

“I’ll take it.” Nat said confidently.

“But how is that self indulgent time travel for you? Shouldn’t you like go invest in some Stark stock back in the day to be super rich or something?” Natasha laughed.

“Uhm first, what makes you happy makes me happy and also, tied for first, I’d get to be the boss, because Nick would retire or move on and then I could run SHIELD and it would be very different and very ethical, as ethical as secret global spying and saving the world could be.” Maria explained. Her morals had really changed through out her experiences.

Natasha laughed.

“Spying is known for its ethical nature.” Natasha couldn’t help but laugh.

“It could have been done right, you know? There were ways.” Maria sighed, she had really faced moral challenges later in life as she realized more of the gravity of SHIELD and the things that happened.

“So in your self indulgent time travel fantasy, you’re the boss and I work for you?” Natasha clarified.

“No, you’re my stay at home wife.” Maria couldn’t help but start laughing and Natasha shook her head no dramatically biting her lip but a big smile was on her face.

“Get out of here!” Natasha groaned.

“So, you get to go to work and after I kill Dreykov I sit at home and fold napkins all day?”

“I like that you think we’d live the kind of lifestyle where we have cloth napkins to fold.” Maria joked and Natasha and Maria stared at each other.

“You better adjust that fantasy before I orchestrate a coup de taut and I run SHIELD and you get to stay home and take care of our two dogs and two cats.” Natasha jokingly threatened.

“Four pets!?! Are you kidding!” Maria gasped.

“Yeah. That’s not a lot.”

“Yes, it is. That’s too much pet hair for me. We can have one.”

“Four.” Natasha held onto this.

“One.”

“Four and a third cat, so five.”

“One.”

“They need to have a friend.”

“Yeah, they will have us!”

“No they need to have a friend of their own.”

“Okay, fine one of each.”

“No.”

“There are dogs and cats who or friends I have seen them in videos on the internet.” Maria clarified.

“Ohh maybe I will be a stay at home pet parent and I can run our pets' instagram account and become a pet influencer, while you go off to Washington and run everything.”

Maria glared at Natasha.

“We’ll name them Maple and Waffles.” Natasha added clearly joking.

“Nope, stop. No. Nope. I’m not naming fake pets in a fake life with a ‘dream ghost’ in a depression delusion state that my brain can’t even comprehend. This is too far.” Maria put her hands up.

“Pet names is what broke the bank, huh?” Natasha sighed.

“I don’t want to talk about everything that could have been. That’s why I can’t move on.” Maria admitted. It was hard to hang on to all the lost potential.

“You know, you still have a lot that you could be, if you wanted.”

“Nah. You’re dead, Tony’s dead, Steve left. Fury’s gone. It’s all over, it’s nothing, it’s not a thing anymore. It’s over. It was nice for awhile, but here we are.”

“Oh.” Natasha paused.

“Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.” Natasha mumbled to herself, this news wasn’t really what she was expecting to hear but nothing she could do about it. Natasha was quiet for a moment.

Then Natasha slapped her hand on the back of the couch.

“I got it! Avengers 2.0!” Natasha exclaimed excitedly.

Maria stared unimpressed at Natasha’s excitement.

“You can do that.” Natasha said like it was no problem. “There’s tons of gifted people out there who can protect the world and can come together under your experience. You’d be perfect for that. No SHIELD, nothing just teamwork, no politics.” Natasha suggested.

“I’ll pass.” Maria dismissed.

“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to babysit a bunch of grown ups with personal problems and too much power and lack of accountability, again.” Maria rambled off.

“Good to know what you really think of us.”

“You guys went to war!” Maria exclaimed exasperated.

“Yeah? And where were you?”

“Not getting involved.”

Natasha gave Maria a glance and Maria rolled her eyes.

“I don’t really think I was on a great career trajectory anyway. It’s time to do something else.” Maria changed the subject.

“Really? I just assumed you’d be running the place by now? You know, that’s like what you were destined to do.”

“Yeah? How? After I spent over a decade of my life working in agency that turned out to be a bunch of fucked up nazis who tried to murder Nick and then came literally crashing down, and then I got doxxed— thanks for that by the way, made my life super easy—”

“You’re welcome!” Natasha said gleefully and Maria groaned. Natasha had to drop the SHIELD docs no question but Maria couldn’t help but get a quick jab in about it.

“What? If anything that helped prove you weren’t in on it.” Natasha defended herself.

“And then I had to hide behind Tony Stark during a political witch hunt and then he went off and almost destroyed the world, and we get that fixed only for all of you to start trying to kill each other and then suddenly I’m snapped out of existence for five years! Run the place? Run what place? It was chaos when I was there and chaos when I was gone, clearly I make no difference to anyone anywhere.”

“Wow, sounds tough. Did you file a complaint with the human resources department?” Natasha snarked.

“I basically was H.R!!!” Maria huffed an tucked her head into the side of a pillow frustratedly and Natasha burst out laughing.

“Why is this so funny to you?”

“You realizing that a hard job was hard?” Natasha asked with a grin she could not hide even if she tried.

“And then! And then! I somehow appear back on this earth to learn that the one of the only people that I’ve ever cared about was dead and pretty much everyone else I know or worked with died or left or has changed so dramatically they aren’t even who I thought they were.” Maria sighed loudly. Did she forget anything? Probably a lot but that seemed like enough.

“So if I want to take a little six month mental health break and grieve and think about my career choices? I am going to do that, because clearly this is not the right line of work for me. Where I go, disaster follows.”

“Uh-huh.” Natasha sat back.

“It’s you, hi, you’re the problem it’s you.” Natasha tried not to laugh as she sang that popular song.

“I have lost count of the number of times I have tried to get you to disappear today.”

“Yeah, it’s a lot, it’s not working, huh? But keep trying.” Natasha gloated.

“I don’t understand the rules of this dream ghost mind magic thing.” Maria sighed.

“I think it was good you took a break, but thing is.. the six months are up, so what are you going to do now?” Natasha asked.

“It can be seven months.” Maria shrugged, she looked at Natasha who was eating a New York bagel with cream cheese.

“How did you get a bagel and I have yogurt?” Maria sighed.

“Yeah, thanks for this.” Natasha smiled.

“We never got to do so much stuff.” Maria said out of nowhere.

“I mean, realistically, we probably weren’t going to do them anyway.” Natasha tried to offer solace. They were career women.

“But now we definitely aren’t.”

“I mean if you go try parasailing, I can pop up right next to you.” Natasha joked, Maria laughed a little.

“Sometimes I wish you blipped too, so when we came back we could just leave and never look back.” Maria sighed thinking about it.

“We’d be working. If we came back at all, we would come back and go right to work.” Natasha corrected. Natasha was right that was probably true.

“Are you a little less sad from three months ago?” Natasha asked.

“Yeah, but I’m just kind of lost.” Maria admitted.

“Well, that’s okay, I hope you figure it out.”

“Isn’t that what you’re here to do?”

“No.”

“Yes it is, that is what you are for, you are supposed to tell me what to do and straighten my mind out because my time that I gave myself has ended and now I am still not even an inch closer to knowing what to do.” Maria explained.

“Oh, so that’s why you summoned me here.”

“You appeared!”

“Sure.”
“Okay, tell me what to do. I give up, just tell me what to do.” Maria pleaded.

“What do you mean?” Natasha looked lost.

“That’s why you’re here, this is why you have been pestering me about going back to work and getting out of the house, so what should I do?”

“I have no idea.” Natasha shrugged and Maria narrowed her gaze at her.

“Is there like a dream ghost supervisor I can file a complaint to?”

“I’m looking right at her.” Natasha smirked glaring at Maria.

“You’re not here to tell me what to do? C’mon.”

“Obviously not, you are responsible for your own choices and decisions, your own happiness and misery. Don’t place this burden on me.” Natasha stated and Maria looked surprised.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You’re right. I just didn’t think this day would come and it came so fast. Every day moves so fast and so slow at the same time.”

“Yeah, they really do.”

“I think once things start to pick up and I’m focused, and I figure out what I want to do, I probably won’t ever see you again.” Maria admitted to Natasha sadly. She knew this was all fake but it felt so real.

“That’s not the worst thing.”

“Thanks for letting me complain and whine and groan for a bit, even if it was all pathetic and stupid.I know I don’t deserve a pity party.”

“Everyone needs to vent and air the grievances. It’s not pathetic and stupid, everyone gets to feel bad a sorry for themselves sometimes. I mean don’t make a habit of it or anything.” Natasha quipped.

“The six months ended so quickly but yet it feels like you’ve been gone for years.”

“Yeah, but time is meaningless.” Natasha reminded.

“Time might be meaningless but timing always matters.” Maria pointed out rather sadly.

“Yeah, that is the catch, isn’t it?” Natasha agreed.

Maria went to make a joke and she turned to fake Natasha who she was sharing a blanket with in their pajamas, eating a simple breakfast with while the sunlight peered in from her window. It was such a nice moment, it was simple and beautiful and she sighed realizing she would never have it again, and Natasha disappeared for real this time.

Chapter Text

9 Months Post Returning from the Blip
------

Eventually, after the re-emergence of ‘dream ghost’ Natasha, Maria did get it together. She didn’t know what it was that made her finally start to want something more, but she did. Sitting around doing nothing trying to cope was just not her style. Dream ghost Natasha was right. She had to dive back into work to forget about her problems. She just had to figure out a job… and having missed last five years of life it was kind of hard to be qualified security related.

The urge to jump back in to something meaningful felt like it washed over Maria rather suddenly, but in reality it took months for there to be a single day where she forgot about grief, where she did things and didn’t remember how bad it felt to be without Natasha. The pain was still there, but it moved to new a space in her mind. It occupied a different realm of existence. It was both hard and good, it allowed her to move on but not to forget. Instead of trying to ‘get over’ grief, she had learned she had to exist with it, work with it, not against it. Move forward so she wasn’t stuck in a mental purgatory, clinging to what could never be. It didn’t really feel better or anything, but it didn’t feel worse.

Over the last 20 years, dealing with unsurmountable crisis after crisis, world changing events that got more and more serious each time, they somehow affected her less and less as she aged despite the gravity of the situations. One of the things she learned was that world still turns no matter what happened, no matter who won, who died, it spun on, rather inconsiderately in her opinion, but it was a lesson in itself. Not even the Avengers could stop the world from moving on.

In Maria’s effort to reconstruct her knowledge base in the five years she was gone she read a lot. She learned a great deal about her five year absence, but she never felt like she was truly back in the world, could anyone who blipped ever feel that way again? It was very clear to Maria as she re-engaged with the world that there were two distinct groups of people, those who vanished, and those who remained. It was just another way to make people different from one another and cause problems and it was evident that there were many problems. Politicians were exploiting this divide and so were hate groups and things were just bad. People did not need more reasons to hate each other, and yet they wewrehanded one on a platter.

Dream Ghost Natasha had been right, Maria did want to do something. She couldn’t sit around and do nothing any longer, the truth was, she hated doing nothing, she always had, even as a young child. Her mind was very active and she just had this need to feel useful, and she hoped she would find a way to fill that void for herself.

The first thing Maria was going to do? Pay some respects to Natasha’s gravesite. She had never visited, she thought Natasha would hate it if she did. ‘Go be sentimental and nostalgic somewhere else.’ She could hear Natasha’s voice in her head saying that to her.

The drive from Virginia where Maria was staying to Ohio was about seven hours. The trip was pretty sad, the roads were lined with people holding signs ‘I blipped, I lost everything can you help?’ It was grim until Maria got onto the highways and then it was like driving on auto pilot.

Maria had an automated playlist on, she missed out on a lot of new music and she did enjoy catching up on that. One of the strangest things she found about all the music made in the five years that half of everyone was gone… it all just felt slightly sadder, even the happier songs. Music just hit different now. They people who made it in their absence were all so sad, but the people who came back were desperate to hear music again. Once you blipped and came back, it was like you couldn’t stop listening because you knew on the other side you never heard a sound again—even if you already kind of knew that beforehand, now you certain of it. Everything just sounded so much more beautiful and interesting. You could hear the artistry and emotion in every guitar strum, the lyrics moved you in such a deeper way knowing for certain that your time listening music was finite. Having that knowledge made so many people never want a quiet a moment again.

Maria read a book on this phenomena, the fear of silence for those who blipped and she didn’t realize that she was going through it until she read it. She had to have the news on all the time in the background, she had to be aware of sounds in presence. if she tried to sleep she had to play music, or her mind would do crazy things—like imagine her ex-girlfriend at a bar in the middle of the night.

The entire drive to Ohio, Maria felt something was missing. She expected the fake Natasha to show up and yet it was a shockingly lonely drive. She figured the dream ghost visions were over now, finally. She was a bit more stable, had processed more, had accepted more about the situation, the delusions were over. It was a relief.

As Maria parked her car in the cemetery lot, she turned it off. It was a beautiful day, the sun gleamed down on the greenery, the flowering trees, the cemetery was so bright and peaceful, a quiet park of lost memories. Maria stepped outside and all she could hear were birds, the birds were so loud, they couldn’t stop singing. Their chirps and calls vibrantly filled the air that it was almost obnoxious, but Maria enjoyed it. The sound of the world at work.

Maria carried a bouquet of flowers, red poppies, with black centers, some of them blossomed and some about to bloom. God, Natasha would hate them. Maria thought to herself and smirked, but it’s not like Maria could leave a gun there or something. Maria rolled her eyes to herself just thinking about Natasha’s complaints about the bouquet.

Maria found Natasha’s headstone. She could tell it was well loved and many visitors had come to leave gifts. She noticed some clay pottery hand painted left at her head stone, photos of people that Natasha helped bring back, unopened letters of thank you and appreciation left to her, stuffed animals, wilted flowers, a forever flame burning candle. A lot of people had things they wanted to say to Natasha for what she did. Maria was probably the only person who didn’t have anything good to say about it.

Maria knew Natasha wasn’t there, but still having concrete place to remember her was emotional. In fact, the sight of it gave Maria pause as she took it all in. She did not want to cry but she could feel it. She was going to cry at nothing, Natasha’s body wasn’t even there. Stupid. Maria grumbled in her mind as she felt her eyes getting warm and watering.

“Woman, those better not be flowers.” Natasha’s voice said from behind her.

Maria gasped a bit and then she actually sighed with relief. The delusions were not over. At least this one last time.

“They’re red and black.” Maria pointed out, “not pink at least.” and Natasha smirked and moved over to stand beside Maria and look down at her own headstone.
“The flower of remembrance.” Natasha nodded.

“Okay, you do not know that.” Maria rolled her eyes.

“No, I stole it from your brain, trying to be all cute and symbolic like a nerd.” Natasha laughed. “Oh, look, someone left forget-me-nots here.” Natasha pointed to the ground at the little blue flowers growing in the grass.

“Yeah, I can tell, they’re a very invasive species, they’re kind of taking over the whole cemetery.” Maria acknowledged observing the forget me nots growing everywhere as she looked beyond Natasha’s grave.

Natasha laughed at Maria’s information dump, classic Maria.

“I guess people want to be remembered here.” Natasha shrugged, the little blue flowers were cute, so what if they took over the whole grassy area… well Maria would probably have something to say about that.

Natasha observed Maria, and she wasn’t wearing all black like Natasha would have expected.

“Real bold of you to come here wearing that jacket.” Natasha observed her tan leather jacket and made a note to herself.

“You know, I thought I was making a solo trip here.” Maria mumbled.

“Did you? Because I can tell you finally took a shower.” Natasha joked biting her bottom lip and grinning through it.

“Shut up.” Maria said under her breath through a laugh.

“You look better, more … like yourself.” Natasha said happily.

“Yeah?” Maria smiled a little. She felt a bit more like herself now. Things were somewhat easier, getting better, the new normal was becoming a bit more tolerable despite everything being a mess.

“Yeah. I feel more like myself, I guess. Or have accepted this new version of myself.” Maria nodded and the two women were silent for a moment as they looked down at Natasha’s gravestone.

“Is this cathartic? It seems kind of sad. I don’t think I would have driven seven hours to see a stone that I am not even at…” Natasha said staring at her own headstone.

“It says Natasha.” Maria made a questioning face.

“Yeah…” Natasha made the same questioning face.

“It should say Natalia…?” Maria asked.

“It’s the thought that counts, right?” Natasha shrugged.

“Kind of puny headstone. Where’s my giant pillar, my monument?” Natasha asked sarcastically and Maria looked at her. Everyone knew Natasha would hate that for real.

“You bring half of civilization back to life, you’d think you’d get a statue in Central Park.” Natasha went on and then Maria glared at her.

“If Stark got one and I didn’t…” Natasha started and Maria just laughed, Maria had a genuine smile on her face as she heard Natasha joking as this fake version of her stood over her own grave which was quite morbid really.

“Oh, he got tons of them, all over the world.” Maria laughed.

“Of course he did. Clearly, he was inspired by me. Man can’t even get his own ideas.” Natasha sighed.

“Clearly. What else would you expect?” Maria asked with a smirk glued on her face. Ragging on Tony was just so fun for them.

The two women were quiet for a few moments again.

“You and I, we really messed up.” Maria sighed. She finally admitted it. They had their chance, they lost it.

“Yeah, but it was pretty fun when it was fun.” Natasha nodded.

“It was infuriating too, and I loved it.” Maria sighed.

“Me too.” Natasha echoed her sigh. “It was never going to be normal, we aren’t normal, we don’t get normal things.” She added.

“Loving you is … was kind of lonely.” Maria admitted surprisingly.

“All bad things come to an end, you know? Eventually.” Natasha shrugged.
“I didn’t say it was bad.”

“You just said it was lonely.”

“It is.” Maria emphasized, and she paused for a few minutes. “But it was worth it, it wasn’t bad.”

“Oh, god. Do not get sentimental. Just go, go, go away, and go do good things.” Natasha rolled her eyes to herself as even in this imaginative version of her she could barely handle a compliment.

“Actually, I thought about it, and I decided to just do bad things from now on.”

“Now you want to explore the dark side….I mean I tried to suggest… you know before when I was alive…. You know what, never mind.” Natasha sighed frustrated and Maria shot a sharp glance at her and Natasha laughed as she always got a good chuckle out of teasing Maria for being so uptight about intimate things.

“Never gets old.” Natasha bit her bottom lip laughing through her teeth at Maria’s glare.

“No, it does.” Maria asserted in a stern voice.

“No, it doesn’t.” Natasha spoke playfully.

“You are not funny.” Maria shook her head like she was disappointed in her.

“Okay, but pause, objectively speaking, I am hilarious, and everyone said so at my funeral.” Natasha was sure of that.

“I was at your funeral and absolutely no one said that.” Maria had a solid poker face when she said that and Natasha glared at her trying to read it.

“Wow, you would lie to d a dead woman?”

“Oh, you know what, you’re right, that was Tony’s funeral I’m thinking of.” Maria corrected with a smirk and both of them laughed. The two of them took a moment and it got quiet again.

“I never imagined I’d be alive in a world that you weren’t in.” Maria admitted, it still felt wrong, like it wasn’t right.

“Surprising, considering the line of work we were in.” Natasha made sour face at Maria, tilting her head. That seemed so un-pragmatic of her.

“I guess.. what I mean is, if you were dead I assumed I’d be dead too.” Maria clarified.
“Oh, yeah, that makes sense because I am much more talented than you and more capable of surviving and everything.” Natasha smirked and Maria rolled her eyes. “Well, think about it this way, there was that time we were both dead at the same time… little bit of overlap. And, really, we leveled the playing field, we both get experience the loss of each other. We always keep it even. That’s good for relationships.” Natasha tried to joke lightly.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to keep scores in relationships.” Maria looked at Natasha with a little side eye.

“No, of course you do, you compare stats, and talent, and who wins more arguments, and who is right most often, and who has better jackets…” Natasha made a face.

“No, that’s friendships.” Maria corrected.

Natasha smirked at Maria’s joke and laughed.

“You’re right. Natasha nodded.”

“And you didn’t level the playing field or make anything even, by the way. It’s not the same since I get to come back and you don’t.”

“And there she is…” Nat snickered to herself. “Well…” Natasha paused. “It felt the same. I didn’t know you’d be coming back either, I just hoped that you and Yelena, might.” Natasha sighed and Maria shook her head because it still upset her. She couldn’t help it. She knew what Natasha did was right, but she still hated it, and she was still sad.

“I guess it depends if you think what matters is what I thought at the time, or how you feel now? I don’t know which one is right, I think it’s just preference.” Natasha shrugged as she offered her thoughts to Maria and Maria looked at Natasha offering this deep insight. What mattered more? Clearly, what Natasha thought thought at the time, right?

“That’s a good point. You’re right.” Maria paused.

“I’m not judging, just so you know, it’s okay to feel the way you feel and be mad.” Natasha said a bit quieter.

“I just wish you hadn’t been alone. I wish you weren’t still alone there.”

“I wasn’t. I promise, I wasn’t alone.” Natasha assured. Maria started to get emotional again. And she took a deep breath, they were both quiet for a few moments.

“Did you know you were loved?” Maria blurted out unexpectedly in a soft but serious tone.

“Yeah, by you, you big loser.” Natasha laughed but then she saw Maria’s face was serious.

“Nope, try again.” Maria shook her head no, this was a serious moment and Natasha half frowned.

“Yes, I knew I was wanted, and that I loved very much, by many people.” Natasha nodded.

“Do you?” Natasha asked back echoing Maria’s soft serious tone she asked Nat in.

“Yeah, by you, you big loser.” Maria mocked with a smirk.

“No! Not fair.” Natasha shook her head.

“It’s my delusion so it’s my rules.” Maria smiled.

“Unbelievable.” Natasha grumbled and let out a slow sigh and then Maria saw Natasha’s reaction, and she figured she at least owed her something a little bit more than a joke.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say it to you all the time. You deserved to be told you were loved far more than you ever were ever told. That I know for sure.” Maria apologized, she was not good at saying those deep personal and emotional things.

Natasha groaned at Maria being sentimental.

“You said it enough, trust me, I couldn’t get you to stop saying it, it was the worst.” Natasha snickered turning the sentimental moment into a joke to give Maria some relief.

“I hate you.” Maria shook her head jokingly to herself and Natasha laughed.

“Now, there’s something you said plenty!” Natasha smiled, because she knew a groaning sarcastic ‘I hate you’ was really ‘I love you.’ “Who cares how many times it’s said, what matters is that it’s felt, right?” Natasha asked.

“Right.” Maria nodded in agreement. “And you felt it?” Maria asked again a bit more serious and Natasha nodded and Maria smiled.

“Were you ever happy during the blip? It wasn’t just five years of misery, was it? Even for a minute? Did you feel anything other than being sad, alone, and tired?” Maria couldn’t imagine, she really wasn’t sure how she’d survive if the other half stayed.

“Maybe a few times but it’s hard to feel happy when you feel almost nothing but the unbearable weight of unsurmountable and unstoppable problems all the time.” Natasha shrugged.

“That’s what I thought you’d say.” Maria sighed.

“Well this is in your weird head so you can make me say something else.” Natasha pointed out with a smirk.

“Did anyone ever thank you for all the work you did keeping everything together?”

“Thank me? It’s not really a crew with a lot of manners, but you know that. I didn’t keep everything together.” Nat laughed.

“You did a lot. Thank you.” Maria said sincerely and Nat lightly smirked to herself, and sighed deeply, because it was a really thankless job trying to keep the world together.

“No wonder you quit, it sucked.” Natasha laughed and Maria laughed with her.

“Sure does.” Maria nodded with a little laugh.

“Is it weird looking down at your own headstone?” Maria asked.

“Certainly humbling.” Natasha said rather proudly.

“Well the dead are one group of people who really need to be humbled.” Maria joked.

Natasha grinned and then laughed.

Maria looked over at Natasha and she forced a smile a she saw standing outside and next to her.

“We weren’t very good for each other. Our relationship, or lack there of, was pretty frustrating sometimes.” Maria sighed, and the two of them were both quiet thinking about it. “And I loved every minute of it, even the parts I hated.” Maria admitted and Natasha smiled. “I would do it all again just to get to do it all.” Maria admitted finally really saying something serious not cloaked in sarcasm.

“Me too.” Natasha nodded. “I hope we find each other in every timeline. I bet we’re enemies in a few.” Natasha smirked.

“Yeah.” Maria nodded and laughed. “Bad news for me, being your enemy is a death sentence.”

“Hey, likewise.” Natasha winked at Maria.

“I’m sorry this story for us is over.” Natasha sighed starting to get emotional, and she hated being emotional even more than Maria hated being emotional.

“but at least you get to remember it.” Natasha added and smiled and Maria looked at her, standing next to her, like she had never died.

“Yeah, at least.” Maria sighed as she dropped the poppies down at Natasha’s headstone, and then Natasha was gone.