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Chapter Text

Mahangin, malamig, pero tama lang ang pagka-presko. Yakap na ni Wonwoo ang sarili niya gamit ang isa niyang braso habang nakasandal sa pader na markado na ng iba't ibang graffiti, ang isa doon ay pinturado na ng berde, nakasulat gamit ang malalaking letra: SMOKING AREA.

Tinaktak niya muna ang yosi na namamahinga sa pagitan ng mga daliri niya bago nilagay ito pabalik sa labi niya at humiphip. Salamat naman at medyo umiinit na rin ang pakiramdam niya dahil dito.

"Hi."

Napalingon si Wonwoo sa nagsalita, tinignan ito mula paa hanggang ulo. 

One thing about Wonwoo is hindi siya ang tipo na nakikipag-usap sa mga strangers. But at that moment, having a temporary company doesn't seem like a bad idea at all.

"Hi," sagot ni Wonwoo, may maliit na ngiti sa labi.

Tinanguan siya ng lalaki. "Ngayon ka lang dito?"

"Oo," sagot ni Wonwoo na mabilis niya rin pinagsisihan dahil masyado naman yata siyang honest. Napansin 'to ng kausap niya kaya napangiti ito.

"Lagi kasi ako dito, pero ngayon lang kita nakita," the man stated to which Wonwoo just nodded at. "But to be fair, wala naman talagang nagpupunta dito. Kaya gulat din ako na may ibang tao dito sa self-proclaimed space ko."

Bumuga si Wonwoo bago nagsalita, nakatingin lang ng diretso sa mga rumaragasang sasakyan. "Wow, sorry ha." Natawa lang ang kausap niya at umiling. Napangiti na lang din si Wonwoo bago tinuloy ang sasabihin niya. "Dito kasi ako unang beses nagyosi."

The guy tilted his head, medyo hindi na-pick up ang nais iparating ni Wonwoo. 

Gets naman ni Wonwoo dahil of course, hindi naman agad makukuha ng isang random na tao ang context no'n unless manghuhula sa Quiapo ang kausap niya but by his looks, eto yung lalaking halata mong tambay lang talaga, mahilig siguro sa beer at constant smoker, dagdag pa na may pagka-Kiyo listener vibes. Magtira ka naman, 'ya.

"Eto na ang huling beses na magyoyosi ako," Wonwoo explained casually, na para bang hindi ito big event sa buhay niya.

He's been smoking for about 2 years now. Una, subok lang. But then, wala naman yatang subok-subok sa pagyoyosi. So he picked this habit of smoking, starting from only doing it weekly until it became a daily thing. Then wala na, hindi na niya maalis sa sistema niya.

Kaso dahil malapit na siya sa working phase, medyo naconscious na siya sa health niya. Kaya gusto na rin niyang itigil sana 'tong kaadikan niya sa yosi. His sentimental self, however, took over for his last smoke. So here he is, standing in this old abandoned building with a heavily drawn smoking area.

"Wow," saad ng kausap niya, pero parang hindi naman siya ganu'n kabilib base sa tono niya. "Congrats siguro?"

"Thanks," tipid na sagot ni Wonwoo dahil hindi niya alam ang dapat sabihin. Baka makaoffend pa siya kasi who knows? Baka smoking is this man's coping mechanism tapos siya ito, binabalandra na mag-ttry na siya tumigil.

Bumuga ang kausap niya at tinaktak ang yosi niya. "Could never be me.” Tinignan niya si Wonwoo pero diretso pa lang din ang tingin niya sa daan.

After that, the silence took over the environment. It wasn’t necessarily awkward, with the honk noises from the vehicles, the small sounds coming from this other smoker’s shoes as he taps his feet while smoking, and probably some handful of insects buzzing around. 

Wonwoo is a timid person, but he’s not naive. Nakikita niya sa peripheral vision niya kung gaano katindi tumitig ang kausap niya at kung paano walang hiya ito sa ginagawa niya. Hindi man lang natitinag kahit na noong binalik niya ang titig nito pabalik.

Tinaasan siya ng kilay ni Wonwoo. “Ano?”

“Wala naman,” sagot nito, hindi pa rin pinuputol ang titig. 

“Sabihin mo na, baka hindi mo na ako makita pa ulit,” biro ni Wonwoo, pero it came out kind of foul, so he partly took it back. “Baka ‘di na ako bumalik dito, e.”

Ngumisi ang kasama niya. “Balik ka, please?”

“Quit na nga ako.”

Umayos ng tayo ang kasama niya. Medyo naintimidate si Wonwoo dahil may aura lang talaga ang kasama niya na parang laging hawak ka niya lagi sa palad niya, although so far he hasn’t done anything vile yet to him, so he settled in.

“Eto number ko,” saad ng lalaki sabay pakita ng number niya na nakalantad sa screen ng phone niya.

Wonwoo grunted, a hint of annoyance laced in it. Ang kulit lang talaga nito, ha. “‘Di na nga ako babalik.”

Umirap ang lalaki. “Sino ba kasing nagsabing magyoyosi ka?” He then smirked again, parang default expression na niya. “Unless you want to, who am I para pigilan ka?”

Nilabas ni Wonwoo ang phone niya at tinype ang numero na pinakita sa kanya. Pinakita niya rin ang number niya sa lalaki para masave naman nito ang kanya. Hindi naman siya napilitan, but at the same time, wala rin siyang choice. Mukhang hindi naman titigil itong si kuya, so sige, pagbigyan na.

“Paano ko masisigurado na wala kang balak sa’kin na masama?” seryosong tanong ni Wonwoo pero akala yata ng kasama niya ay joke lang ‘yun dahil tumawa lang siya. “Seryoso kasi,” dugtong ni Wonwoo.

“Tataya ko lahat ng yosi sa mundo.”

“Not convincing.”

The other guy let out a thinking noise. “Okay, kita na lang muna tayo sa 7/11 para maraming tao, wala akong takas no’n. Tapos yosi break na?”

“Break?” nagtatakang tanong ni Wonwoo.

“Ah, ‘di ko pa pala nakwento.” Natawa siya ng mahina. “Nagttrabaho lang ako diyan sa malapit.”

Tumango na lang si Wonwoo, wala na talagang masagot. Hindi pa nag-ssink in sa kanya lahat ng nangyayari as of the moment. Kasi naman, he’s just supposed to take his last whiff of smoke, pero ano ‘to? Bakit may continuation pa yata? At bakit may nakilala pa siyang biglang ganito?

“So, okay lang ba sa’yo? Baka ayaw mo naman pala,” tanong ng kasama niya. Medyo sincere naman ang delivery, pero hindi niya alam bakit tila nanggagago pa rin.

“Oo na nga.”

Ngumiti ito sa kanya, ‘yung malaking ngiti. ‘Yung ‘di mukhang may masamang balak. Very masaya lang. Nakampante naman tuloy bigla si Wonwoo. Okay, fine. What could go wrong, right? Sasamahan niya lang naman mag-yosi break ‘to.

Sabay silang naglakad at tumawid sa kalsada bago naghiwalay. May small talks naman na palitan, parang preparation na rin kasi Wonwoo could feel malalim-lalim ang mapag-uusapan nila niyan sa mga susunod na gabi. But at least now he knows random things about this guy, tulad ng sobrang lala pala magyosi ng isang ‘to dahil nakaka-isang box siya sa 2 araw, graveyard shift din ang work niya, at higit sa lahat…

“Jeonghan, ‘yon na lang itawag mo sa’kin,” pakilala ng kasama niya sa sarili niya. 

Hindi alam ni Wonwoo kung inaantok lang siya pero sa ilalim ng ilaw ng poste, parang hindi pagod at puyat ang dating nitong si Jeonghan. Ewan, ang ganda at pogi pa rin tignan. Unfair.

“Wonwoo,” maikling pakilala niya sa sarili niya, gets naman na siguro ni Jeonghan ‘yan.

Tumango si Jeonghan at ngumiti. “Good night, Wonwoo. Salamat sa ngayon. See you soon?”

“Yeah, good luck sa work,” sagot nito at saka kumaway sa kanya dahil nagsimula na siyang maglakad papalayo.

Bumuntong-hininga si Wonwoo at nagsimulang maglakad na rin palayo. This was just a crazy night for him. Parang hulog ng demonyo etong Jeonghan na ‘to. Alam naman niyang hindi siya pinipilit nito, pero of course, hindi naman basta lang mawawala ang habit niya overnight. So how can he stop it when he will be surrounded with a chronic smoker na enticing bumuga? 

Yosi quit na sana e, mukhang magiging yosi break pa lang. Jusko, wag naman sana.

Napatigil sa paglalakad si Wonwoo nang maramdaman niya ang pagvibrate ng phone niya sa bulsa niya. Kinuha niya ito at binasa ang text na nareceive niya. Ah, galing kay Jeonghan. Ano na naman ba ‘to?

+639657839102

hi 

nahihiya ako sabihin kanina pero haha ang cute mo 

see you sa next yosi break :D

Kaya naman pala humihirit pa na kitain siya ulit, e.

Kailan ba ang susunod na yosi break na ‘yan?

Chapter Text

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

tara, yosi break? ;)

You

Sige

Baka malate lang pala ako ng konti, see you sa 7/11

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

grabe talaga ang trust issues :(

Napailing na lang si Wonwoo at tinago sa bulsa ang cellphone. Nagpunta muna siya sa banyo para mag-ayos ng sarili as an ultra mega self-conscious person lalo na he needs to present himself well, moreso to a guy he just met yesterday. At saka may hiya rin naman siya kay Jeonghan kahit na nakakabwisit ang aura nito minsan, 'no. Ang linis niya kasi tignan palagi tapos ang bango-bango pa, syempre dapat mapantayan niya ‘yun.

After changing his clothes, kinuha na niya ang wallet at ang susi ng apartment niya. Out of instinct, he also grabbed his lighter, but then narealize niya na lang na he’s quitting pala. It’s not like he could smoke din naman kasi ‘yung hinithit niya kahapon, ‘yun na talaga ang huling yosi na meron siya. Wala ng kawala.

Walking distance lang naman ang layo niya sa smoking area na tinambayan nila kahapon. He’s just not the type to settle in a place para lang magyosi unlike what Jeonghan was doing. If he wanted to smoke immediately, he would. If he needed warmth, he would light a cigarette agad. Gano’n lang. Ang tawag doon ay Wonwoo math.

Pero ayon nga sa napag-usapan, sa 7/11 muna ang meeting place, which is just a few steps away sa smoking area. And as soon as he drew closer towards the chain, he immediately saw Jeonghan outside, standing and leaning on the wall. Napangiwi na lang si Wonwoo dahil ang dumi ng pader. Baka nga naihian na ‘yan, e. Pero sige, ang pogi naman ng dating niya, pagbigyan na.

Medyo nanginginig pa si Wonwoo nang batiin niya si Jeonghan, hindi niya alam kung sa kaba ba o sa lamig. In his defense, Jeonghan is still basically a stranger na makarisma pero parang demonyo ang vibes. 

He was proven wrong though, when Jeonghan smiled sweetly. Or at least the one that does not exude any evilness. At that moment, medyo kumbinsido na nga siya na wala namang masamang balak si Jeonghan… which could also lead to another conclusion.

Type ba ako nito?

Pero hindi naman pinalaking assumero si Wonwoo, so he just shrugged it off. “Wala ka bang bibilhin?” tanong na lang ni Wonwoo kahit na tinutulak na niya ang pinto pabukas.

Jeonghan laughed at the contrary of his words and actions. “Wala, kakabili ko lang ng isang pakete kanina. Ikaw?”

“Meron, bili lang ako ng inumin.”

“Ge, wait na lang kita,” Jeonghan affirmed, with an intent look in his eyes. Hindi alam ni Wonwoo kung default na rin ba ‘to gaya ng pa-ngisi effect ng mga labi niya, pero nakakalula. Ang lalim. Parang nang-aakit. 

Wonwoo shook his head and headed straight towards the refrigerator. Kinuha niya ang go-to drink niya na Monster Energy at saka dumiretso sa counter para magbayad. Sakto naman na may mga display sila ng bubblegums kaya kumuha na rin siya. Maybe this could somehow contribute to his journey of freeing himself from smoking.

Nilingon niya si Jeonghan para senyasan na pumunta na sa smoking area. Tumango lang ito sa kanya at sinabayan ang lakad niya papunta sa lugar. Walang nag-initiate na magsalita. Tahimik lang na sumisimsim si Wonwoo sa inumin niya at pilit na pinaglalaruan lang ni Jeonghan ang lighter nito.

Sumandal ulit si Jeonghan sa pader nu'ng nakarating na sila sa smoking area, gaya ng ginawa niya sa labas ng 7/11 kanina. Sinamaan naman siya ng tingin ni Wonwoo, napataas tuloy ng kilay ang nauna dahil bakit ba tila ang sama-sama ng loob nito sa kanya?

“Madumi,” sagot ni Wonwoo na para bang nababasa na niya ang naiisip niya.

Jeonghan let out a chuckle. “Ayos lang, sakit na kasi ng likod ko, e.”

“E ‘di umupo muna tayo?”

“Dito?”

Wonwoo let out a frustrated grunt. “Madumi nga, e.”

“Cute mo,” biglang sabi ni Jeonghan habang nakatingin sa kanya. Namula naman si Wonwoo pero hindi pa rin naaalis ang irita niyang ekspresyon sa mukha.

Ngumiti na lang ulit si Jeonghan bago sindihan ang yosi niya. Hindi naman sa masyadong observant na tao si Wonwoo pero ang galing pala pumitik ni Jeonghan ng lighter? Siya kasi minsan nakakailang-ulit pa, pero kay Jeonghan, ang bilis lang. Ganito na talaga ‘yung mga pro na sa pagyoyosi. Dapat sa susunod testing naman niya kung pati sa posporo mabilis siya.

“Musta?” Wonwoo asked, initiating the conversation because he could slowly feel the awkwardness seeping in between them.

Bumuga si Jeonghan. Pinanood ni Wonwoo kung paano unti-unti nawala yung usok. “Pagod.” Tumawa siya. “Pero wala namang choice. Kailangan ko ng pera.”

Wonwoo sipped on his drink. He glanced at Jeonghan and instead of being relieved that the man is not sparing him any attention right now, parang mas gusto na lang niya makipagtitigan na muna. Maybe deep down, he’s a fan of intimacy, particularly in mata-mata gaming.

“Just don’t forget to rest,” Wonwoo advised, not that he’s one to talk.

Jeonghan laughed shortly as he threw his head back. Isininandal na niya muna ang ulo niya sa pader. “‘Di naman gano’n kadali.”

Naupos na ang yosi niya kaya hinulog na niya ito at tinapakan. Pero ‘di naman do’n nagtatapos lang. Kumuha na naman siya ng panibagong piraso at sinindihan ito. 

“Makatingin ka na naman?” puna ni Jeonghan dahil nanghuhusga na naman ang mga mata ni Wonwoo.

“‘Di mo ba naiisip na mag-quit?”

Bumuntong-hininga si Jeonghan. “Minsan syempre, oo. Pero madalas, ayoko.” Lumingon siya sa kabilang side para bumuga at saka binalik ang tingin kay Wonwoo pagkatapos. “Eto na lang nagpapakalma sa’kin, e.”

Tumango na lang si Wonwoo. Gets naman niya. At some point, ganyan din naman siya. Gumagaan ang pakiramdam tuwing nakakahithit, nakakahipak, at nakakatikim ng lasa ng yosi. Pero he’s striving to change, and so far, he’s been doing well (unang araw pa lang).

“Ikaw? Ayaw mo bumalik sa pagyoyosi?”

“Awat na kasi,” kontra ni Wonwoo na ikinahagalpak ni Jeonghan. “Ayoko. Gusto ko kasing alagaan naman sarili ko dahil pa-graduate na ako niyan, tapos magttrabaho na.”

“Hay, Wonwoo.” Umiling-iling si Jeonghan na para bang mali ang sinasabi nito. “Pagsabak mo sa trabaho, mapapabalik ka rin naman sa pagyoyosi.”

“‘Wag mo kasi i-jinx.”

“Nagsasabi lang ng totoo.”

Napili na lang manahimik ni Wonwoo dahil feeling niya pointless lang makipagtalo sa kanya. I mean, gets naman. Nahihirapan siya sa work niya, pero ‘wag naman sana niya kontrahin ang kaisa-isang goal ni Wonwoo na mapanindigan ang pagtitigil sa pagyosi.

Sinilip ulit ni Jeonghan si Wonwoo. “Ano bang gusto mong work?”

“Bakit? Bibigyan mo ako?” natatawang tanong ni Wonwoo, medyo nabibilib na rin siya sa sarili niya na nagagawa niya pang magbiro.

Natawa rin si Jeonghan at marahang napailing. “Tatanong lang.”

“Corporate,” Wonwoo replied, scrunching his nose to display his abhorness in it. “Wala namang choice, ‘yun lang aligned sa program ko.”

Jeonghan let out another laugh, an annoying one at it. “Right. We’re basically the same.” He blew his final smoke before dropping the cigarette on the ground and stepping on it. “‘Wag ka na tumuloy.”

“Desisyon ka, ah. Kanina ka pa,” reklamo ni Wonwoo sabay hablot na rin sa bagong yosi na kinukuha na naman ni Jeonghan sa pack na dala niya.

Inagaw naman ulit ito ni Jeonghan dahil syempre, he can’t let his emotional item go. “Yosi break pa ba ‘to kung hindi ako magyoyosi?”

“Enough na ‘yung dalawa. Sobra naman."

Hinarap ni Jeonghan si Wonwoo. “Ayaw mo na ba ako kausap?”

Wonwoo was too stunned with his choice of words, but he knew enough than not to get used to it. “Minamasama mo naman.”

Jeonghan just shrugged, not wanting to have this yosi break discourse anymore. What Jeonghan wants, Jeonghan gets.

“Pero seryoso, ‘wag ka na tumuloy sa corporate work, nakakamatay,” sabi ni Jeonghan habang nakatingin ng diretso sa mga mata ni Wonwoo. Just to show na seryoso siya sa gusto niyang iparating, lalo na mukha pa naman siyang puro kalokohan, but this time he wants Wonwoo to listen. Kahit ngayon lang.

Tinignan siya ni Wonwoo mula ulo hanggang paa. “E, buhay ka pa naman?”

“Pilosopo,” nakangising saad ni Jeonghan bago bumuga at nagsalita muli. “Kahit na buhay ako, pakiramdam ko patay naman ako sa loob.”

Pinaikot ni Wonwoo ang lata ng Monster Energy niya, parang mga isip niya sa utak niya ngayon, naghahalo-halo at nagpapaikot-ikot na. Sobrang hirap ba ng corporate work? O sobrang malas lang ni Jeonghan sa trabaho niya? Baka naman sobrang OA lang niya?

Nilingon niya si Jeonghan na nakatitig na sa kanya ngayon. Parang gawain niya na lang talaga palagi. Mga limang segundo sila nagtititigan, hindi pa rin humihithit si Jeonghan. Si Wonwoo na lang naunang umiwas kasi ang tindi talaga ng titig ng isang ‘yan. Hindi niya pa kayang pantayan. Baka kahit kailan, hindi rin naman niya kakayanin.

“Bakit?” Wonwoo finally asked after seconds that turned to minutes of hesitating. Baka kasi ‘di naman ready mag-share si Jeonghan, but then by the looks of it, mukhang willing naman siya.

Jeonghan sighed deeply that it took him more seconds than usual before blowing on his cigarette again. “Hindi naman ako ganito dati. Hindi naman ganito buhay ko.” He paused a bit to hit another blow. “Ni hindi nga ganito ang pinangarap kong buhay para sa’kin.”

“E ano pala?”

Jeonghan languidly shook his cigarette as he dropped his arm to his side. "Akala ko lang kapag nagkapera na ako, magagawa ko na lahat ng gusto ko. Pero dito, ang hirap. Tuloy-tuloy ang routine, ang schedule. Puro trabaho, ni hindi ko na mahanapan sarili ko ng oras para mag-enjoy."

Wonwoo did not reply. Taimtim lang siyang nakikinig, pinapanood kung paano ang default expression ni Jeonghan ay unti-unti nang nawawala. Ang mga nakangisi niyang labi, parang papunta na sa simangot. Ang mata niyang matinding tumingin, nababalot na ng kalungkutan.

Maybe Jeonghan is not all that. Not in a sense na he's perfect but then he turned out not to be, but in a way na he's not super cool and mischievous, may tinatago rin palang lungkot.

"Wala, ang sad lang. My past self won't believe na ganito sasapitin ko," Jeonghan muttered, blowing another smoke. "Dati pa-club-club lang ako, gala-gala with friends, just figuring new things out. Saya-saya lang. I mean, of course there were struggles, muntik na nga bumagsak sa isang major e, pero kasi ngayon, puta. Ni isa, wala na akong nagawang masaya sa buhay ko."

Gusto sanang uminput ni Wonwoo pero ayaw niya rin mang-invalidate, kaya hinayaan na lang niya si Jeonghan na magsalita lang. Bumuntong-hininga ang huli. "Wonwoo, alam mo ba sobrang pogi ko dati? Ngayon, naiirita na ako sa itsura ko, puro eyebags. Tanginang buhay 'to."

"Pogi ka pa rin naman," mabilis na sagot ni Wonwoo, pangdagdag assurance lang.

Ngumisi na ulit si Jeonghan, pero sobrang liit lang ng pagkurba ng labi niya. "Ikaw, ah."

"Kapal," biro na lang ni Wonwoo para pagaanin lang ang nararamdaman niya.

Sobrang bigat ng atmosphere parang gusto na rin ni Wonwoo ng yosi pero nilalabanan niya na lang ng matindi ang mga boses sa utak niya. He's doing fine, he's doing fine, focus na lang sa energy drink.

"Pero you don't look bad at all naman kasi."

Jeonghan rolled his eyes. "I feel bad, that's the point. 'Tsaka ewan, parang na-sucked out kasi 'yung soul ko. That's how it feels."

"Ah, that sucks then."

"It does!" Jeonghan grunted. "Gusto ko na lang mamatay."

Wonwoo snapped his head at him. "Hey, don't say that." 

"I'm not acting upon it. Kaya nga eto, oh. Yosi-yosi lang." Pinakita ni Jeonghan ang yosi niya bago hinulog ito at tinapakan. This time, hindi na siya kumuha ng panibagong yosi at pinaglaruan na lang ulit ang lighter.

Napakagat sa labi si Wonwoo. "Sorry."

"Bakit?" Natawa si Jeonghan. "Ikaw ba ang kapitalismo?"

Natawa pabalik si Wonwoo, pero umiwas din ng tingin nang magsalubong ang mga mata nila ni Jeonghan. "Ang harsh ko lang kasi yata sa'yo."

"Sobra." 

Wonwoo cringed at the sight of Jeonghan pouting, but he still smiled and said, "I hope it gets better for you."

"It will only be if I get out of it," Jeonghan replied, with a small smile on his face, quite different from his eyes drowning in despair.

Wonwoo shrugged. "E 'di just get out?"

Jeonghan reached out for his hand, asking for a gum. "At saan naman ako pupulutin?" Nilapagan naman ni Wonwoo ang palad niya ng isang piraso.

"Hindi mo alam," mabagal na sagot ni Wonwoo, pinapanood ang reaksyon ni Jeonghan at kung paano niya higupin ang mahabang doublemint. "Hindi mo pa alam. But that's the past you, 'di ba? Exploring while having fun?"

Jeonghan shifted in his position, his feet now slightly touching Wonwoo's toes. "There are risks that come with it if ginawa ko 'yan ngayon. It's not the same anymore."

"At 'yon ang nakakaputangina?"

Jeonghan let out another sigh, hindi na niya alam kung pang-ilan na niya 'to. "Oo, 'yon ang nakakaputangina."

Napailing-iling si Wonwoo. "I think takot ka lang mag-risk."

"Obviously, duh. Kaya nga payosi-yosi lang ako, e."

"That can still change."

Jeonghan looked at him again, this time with curiosity. And this time, for a first, Wonwoo stared back at him. Hindi mabasa ni Jeonghan ang naiisip nito, pero mukhang seryoso na siya, not that he's not before, but this one's more intense.

Si Jeonghan ang naunang umiwas. Kahit na gaano pa kaseryoso ang tingin ni Wonwoo, hindi siya madadala. Kahit na ano pang sabihin niya, pareho pa rin ang nararamdaman niya. So he resigned. "I'm not having this conversation.”

Tumitig pa nang mas matagal si Wonwoo bago niya ibinaling sa daan ang mga mata niya. Napabuntong-hininga na lang siya at nagkibit-balikat. "Sure," he said, not quite convinced, but also understanding where he was coming from. "Basta nandito lang ako, at least for now. I can listen to you."

Jeonghan flashed a smile, a genuine one. Hindi naman napangiti si Wonwoo, pero internally, he's happy to see that. In his mind, he's sharing him a piece of his old self that he's longing, 'yung puno ng buhay at masaya. He hopes he can get it back.

"Thanks," sagot nito. "Kaya ayaw kitang pakawalan, e," Jeonghan followed it with a wink.

Napairap na lang si Wonwoo. "Kulit mo."

Jeonghan laughed once again as he hit Wonwoo's shoulder. Napa-aray naman ang isa out of ka-OA-han. 

And after their few last exchanges of conversations, as they walked back to their final point before separating ways, Jeonghan smiled at Wonwoo once again, hoping he could see how lighter he felt after the yosi break. 

Hoping he could see how it wasn’t all because of just mere three pieces of cigarettes.

You

Tara, yosi break?

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

wow

bago yan ah

gege later?

You

Yeah

See you

Pinatay na ni Wonwoo ang cellphone niya at saka sumigaw na parang timang sa inis. Paano ba namang hindi, e hindi nasunod ang balak nilang gawin sa group task dahil hindi sumunod ang iba sa mga dapat gawin. 

Pumunta na lang siya sa cabinet niya at naghanap ng damit na isusuot niya mamaya. Midway through rummaging, ‘tsaka lang siya natauhan na bakit ba namimili pa siya ng susuotin? Yosi break lang naman, ah. Mauusukan lang, poporma pa?

E, bakit ba? Si Jeonghan na ‘yon.

“Wow, nauna ka ngayon, ah?”

Jeonghan showed him his default smirk. “Syempre, bago ‘to, e. Ikaw nag-aya.”

Napailing si Wonwoo dahil alam na niyang hinuhuli lang siya ni Jeonghan. He couldn’t blame him din honestly lalo na sa dinami-dami na nilang yosi break, ngayon lang siya nag-initiate. And that could also mean one thing: he will smoke.

“What happened to quitting?” pang-aasar ni Jeonghan na medyo effective dahil napapairap na naman si Wonwoo.

“‘Wag na maraming tanong,” sagot ni Wonwoo, nilalahad ang palad para manghingi ng yosi sa kanya.

"Nagyaya magyosi break pero walang dalang yosi?" Jeonghan asked, quite amused with him.

Wonwoo sighed, too tired to even argue. "Jeonghan."

Natatawang tumango na lang si Jeonghan kahit hindi siya sobrang kumbinsido. Inabutan niya ng yosi si Wonwoo at pinanood ito na maghanap ng apoy para masindihan ang pampakalma niya.

Just to tease him more, kumuha na rin si Jeonghan ng yosi na para sa kanya mismo at sinindihan ito gamit ang sarili niyang lighter. Hinampas tuloy siya ni Wonwoo dahil he’s not really on the mood to joke around. Unfortunately for him, tinawanan lang ulit siya ni Jeonghan. Okay, that calm and vulnerable Jeonghan really was just a rare sight. Eto na naman siya sa mapang-asar niyang personality.

“Dali na,” Wonwoo whined, biting his cigarette.

Jeonghan stared at him, enjoying the sight of him begging. “May bayad.”

Wonwoo grunted in annoyance. “Ano?”

Pasimpleng tinaas ni Jeonghan ang kilay niya habang ginigilid ang yosi na kagat niya. Naaaliw na siya, para siyang binigyan ng one-day break ng kumpanya.

“Kiss.”

Wonwoo let out a “tsk” and acted out like he was about to leave pero hinatak siya ni Jeonghan pabalik, tumatawa na naman. Hindi na talaga nakokonsensya sa taong masama ang araw. 

“Okay, sorry na.” Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ni Wonwoo na nakabusangot niya ngayon. Pinisil niya tuloy ang pisngi niya dahil ang cute lang ng pagtatampo face niya. Sarap pala suyuin.

Nilabas niya ulit ang lighter niya. “Lapit ka dito,” utos niya kay Wonwoo na ginawa naman ng huli.

Wala pa siguro sa kalahating metro ang layo nila, tipong pwede na ngang nakawan ng halik kung wala ang mga yosi sa bibig nila. Nagtataka na si Wonwoo dahil pwede namang ibigay na lang ni Jeonghan ang lighter, pero ang dami niyang balak gawin.

Halos napigil naman niya ang hininga niya nang hawakan ni Jeonghan ang batok niya at nilapit ang sarili niyang mukha papunta sa kanya. Pinagtapat niya ang mga yosi nila at hinintay na masindihan na rin ang yosi ni Wonwoo mula sa apoy na nagbabaga sa yosi niya.

Sobrang bilis na ng tibok ng puso ni Wonwoo. Amoy na amoy niya ang mabangong pabango ni Jeonghan kahit na napapaligiran sila ng usok. Ang ugat din pala medyo ng kamay niya. Tapos ang haba ng pilikmata, at ang ganda ng kurba ng labi. Ang lambot tignan. Parang hindi nagyoyosi.

Hindi niya alam kung bakit, pero bigla siyang nagkalakas tignan si Jeonghan sa mata. Kung minamalas nga lang, hindi naman sa kanya nakatutok ang mga mata nito. Busy siya paapuyin ang yosi ni Wonwoo kaya pilikmata lang talaga ang mas kita. Maganda pa rin.

Nang paunti-unti na ring naaapuyan ang yosi ni Wonwoo, inangat na ni Jeonghan ang tingin niya sa mga mata ni Wonwoo. Hindi naman siya umiwas. Nagtitigan lang sila. Parehong inoobserba ang mga kulay nito. Grabe. Ang lalim pa rin tumingin ni Jeonghan. Nakakahulog. Ang sarap magpahypnotize. Kung sabihin niya man na nakakatulong ang yosi sa katawan, maniniwala na lang siya.

Syempre, eme niya lang ‘yun.

Lumayo na nang kaunti si Wonwoo kaya dumulas pababa ang kamay ni Jeonghan mula sa batok niya hanggang sa balikat at hanggang sa tuluyan nang napabitaw. Ang lamig na ulit tuloy sa pakiramdam. 

“Thanks,” sagot na lang ni Wonwoo.

Nag-salute sign naman si Jeonghan. Umiwas muna siya ng tingin para bumuga bago tumitig ulit kay Wonwoo. Magkakaheart attack na nga yata talaga si Wonwoo sa ginagawa ng yosi buddy niya. Bare minimum lang, pero ano ba? Bakit ba ayaw niya malanghap ni Wonwoo ang amoy? Bakit ayaw niyang ibuga ang usok sa kanya? ‘Di naman sa gusto niya, ah. Pero bakit niya ba ginagawa ‘to?

Hindi naman na napabaling ulit si Wonwoo dahil naiilang na siya, lalo na sa mga naiisip niya. Pakiramdam niya kasi kapag tumingin ulit siya kay Jeonghan, kakawala na ulit ang puso niya. Hindi niya rin alam bakit bigla niya naramdaman lahat ng ‘to. Baka dala lang ng inis o baka dahil ngayon na lang siya nakahithit ng yosi.

“Ayaw mo pag-usapan?”

Umiling lang si Wonwoo dahil alam niyang nakatitig pa rin ito sa kanya. Kita naman niya sa peripheral vision niya na tumango lang siya. At para magdagdag-asar lang, hinawakan ni Jeonghan ang kamay ni Wonwoo at pasimpleng pinaglaruan ito.

Alam naman ni Wonwoo na habit lang niya humawak ng kung ano-ano, at siya lang ‘tong hindi mapalagay kasi puta , bakit ang sarap sa pakiramdam na hawak niya ang kamay niya? Bakit ang lakas ng urge na ipag-intertwine na ang mga darili niya? Bakit ba ang lahat na madali lang para kay Jeonghan biglang naging mahirap sa kanya?

Oo, alam din naman niya ang sagot.

Inangat niya ang tingin niya para pagsalubungin ang mga mata nila ni Jeonghan at binati siya ng mga ngiti niya, hindi na mukhang may masamang balak o ‘yung tipong para wala ka nang masagot—eto ‘yung ngiti na parang nangungusap sa’yo na hindi ka naman nag-iisa. Nandiyan naman siya, pinapanood ka.

Ngumiti pabalik si Wonwoo, simbolo ng pasasalamat niya. 

Parang magic lang na nawala na lahat ng inis niya, marahil siguro ay dahil sa pagyoyosi niya na pinangako niya kay Jeonghan na huli na talaga na tinawanan lang din ng isa. O baka ang pakonting paghagod ni Jeonghan sa mga daliri niya habang nagtititigan sila.

O baka it’s the mere fact that he’s there. That Jeonghan was with him that night, accompanying him.

Oo, tama, alam na nga niya ang sagot.

Hindi na lang yosi ang kaaadikan niya ngayon.

Si Jeonghan na rin yata mismo.

Chapter Text

Wonwoo has always been a slave of technology. He's known to smoke, oo, but he's just as addicted to his computer, mainly for gaming, and also to his phone, na sometimes he uses for playing din or pretty much just to catch up on the latest chismis.

This time around, hindi niya mababa ang phone niya for another reason. Siguro isang malalim na pindot pa sa power button para tignan ang notifications ay babaon na ito. Hindi kasi siya mapakali, not that he had any reason to be. 

He can be a slave to technology, but it would be more appropriate to call him a slave of Jeonghanㅡin a sense na adik na adik na siya sa kanya kahit na all they did for the past months was to smoke and talk around.

Valid naman siguro, Wonwoo always affirms himself. Jeonghan is not that all bad, he's a nice company. He would've been a nice friend. Oo, would've. Because with Jeonghan's behavior? Hindi 'to pwedeng tropa-tropa lang. Ano siya? Si Bujoy sa "Labs Kita, Okey Ka Lang"? Oh yes, kaibigan mo ako! Kaibigan mo lang ako! And that's all I ever was to you, Jeonghan!

Hindi naman niya kasi masisisi sarili niya, in his defense. It's Jeonghan's gaze that makes his knees frail all the time, dagdag pa na he has started to like his default smirk, too. Sobrang gwapo at astig niya lang talaga in general, tapos very nice personality din. He couldn't help but be addicted to him.

Napaayos naman ng upo si Wonwoo nang tumunog na ang cellphone niya at makita niya ang notification mula kay "Jeonghan (yosi boy)". Hindi na niya namalayan na unti-unti na pala siyang napapangiti. Malala na nga 'to.

Hindi na rin niya napansin ang matinik na side-eye ni Soonyoung sa tabi niya, ang kaibigan niyang ilang buwan nang duda sa inaakto nito. Wonwoo has kept this whole Jeonghan situation a secret kasi, lalo na sa kaibigan niya na madulas ang dila.

"Ano?" tanong ni Wonwoo habang tinatago ang phone sa bulsa niya, his smile slowly fading along.

Soonyoung tilted his head before shaking it. Napili na lang niyang manahimik. And Wonwoo thinks it's better that way.

Nag-vibrate na naman ang phone niya kaya kinuha niya ito para basahin ang pinakahihintay niyang notification. Sobrang adik lang talaga. 

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

alam mo saan company ko di ba hahaha

You

Oo, bakit?

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

don na lang tayo mag yb mamaya hahahaha

see you ;)

Patay. Kinindatan na.

"Sorry, kanina ka pa ba naghihintay?"

Napaangat ng tingin si Wonwoo nang marinig niya ang boses ni Jeonghan. Something inside him sparked, but physically, he genuinely felt tired. It's already ass o' clock at midnight at may pasok pa siya bukas ng umaga.

Jeonghan doesn't have to know that, though. Hindi niya pwedeng malaman na nagpapakatanga na 'to sa kanya. Not that Wonwoo's aware of how he's being a fool for him din naman. It's an unconscious action at this point. Hintayin na lang magising sa katotohanan.

Wonwoo gave him a feeble smile. "Medyo, but it's fine."

Naguilty naman bigla si Jeonghan, so he gave him an apologetic look. "Sorry, pahinga ka na lang, if gusto mo. I'll smoke alone."

Parang tanga naman. Napagod na nga siya pumunta at maghintay, tapos paaalisin pa? "Nandito na ako, e. Just make it as you will," Wonwoo says, not really wanting to argue anymore.

Jeonghan just shrugged, feeling the same. "Tara, sa likod."

They both walked their way towards the vacant spot at the back of the building. Wala masyadong tao do'n, Jeonghan assures. Napansin din ni Wonwoo na halos graveyard shift pala mga working hours ng employees kasi halos bukas pa ilaw ng buildings. Parang wala tuloy siyang karapatan mapagod sa dinadanas nilang lahat.

Kumuha agad si Jeonghan ng yosi sa pakete niya pagkarating nila ro'n. "No time to waste," nakangisi niyang saad kahit na kita sa mata niya na pagod na siya.

This, at some point, concerned Wonwoo. Okay pa ba siya, at least physically speaking? Sana kumakain pa rin siya sa tamang oras, or may maayos na tulog naman siya pag-uwi. All these concerns, however, will be thrown out his head. He's apparently not God's strongest soldier, and he won't definitely ask those, both in fears of offending Jeonghan and baring a part of his soul, a part na adik na adik sa kanya, something that shouldn't be known and shown.

"Just smoke one piece," is what Wonwoo chose to say as a concerned citizen.

Natawa na lang si Jeonghan kahit na he's supposedly about to do that naman. He's deadass serious when he said na wala siya masyadong oras ngayon.

Wonwoo looked down on his feet. "Sana 'di ka na lang nag-imbita kung wala ka ng oras."

Hindi sumagot si Jeonghan kaya napaangat ng tingin si Wonwoo para tignan reaksyon niya. At tama naman siya sa hinala niya dahil ang sama lang ng tingin ni Jeonghan sa kanya. Hindi naman galit, just a look na parang nagsasabing, ginagago mo ba ako?

Jeonghan puffed out a smoke. "You really like fishing for good words, 'no?"

It's Wonwoo's turn to give him a questioning look. Ano bang pinagsasabi nito? Nagtatanong lang, e, kung ano-ano pang akusasyon nakukuha.

Tinaktak ni Jeonghan ang yosi niya gamit ang iilang daliri niya, doon lang din nanatili mga mata ni Wonwoo. Normal bang magandahan pati sa daliri?, he thinks. Napailing na lang siya dahil obviously, ang sagot ay hindi.

Napabuntong-hininga si Jeonghan. "Gusto kita makita." He looked on the other side, na para bang bigla siyang nahiya sa sinabi niya. Okay na rin 'yan , isip-isip ni Wonwoo. He won't get to see my cheeks burning in that way.

Jeonghan cleared his throat and looked back at him, slightly looking cocky. "E, ikaw. Bakit pinuntahan mo pa ako kahit na parang hinihila ka na ng kama?" Tinapon na niya ang yosi niya na naupos na sa basurahan na malapit sa kanya.

Wonwoo rolled his eyes before his gaze followed his shadow. Parang naka-programmed na mga mata niya na panoorin lang si Jeonghan, pero 'yung bibig niya, hindi na ata makokontrol na hindi maging makatotohanan minsan. Especially when Wonwoo answered, "I made a commitment with you, 'di naman ako nang-iindyan." Which is true, but also it's not just because of that.  

Napangiti si Jeonghan at hindi na niya napigilang kurutin pisngi ni Wonwoo. "Ayaw mo ba talagang sabihin na gusto mo lang din ako makita?"

Ayan, e. Sino bang hindi mahuhulog sa galawan niya na 'yan?

Normally, tatabigin lang ni Wonwoo ang kamay niya sa pisngi niya, but tonight, he leaned on Jeonghan's palm. Nagtitigan na naman sila, at habang mas tumatagal, palakas ng palakas na naman kabog ng puso ni Wonwoo.

He didn't know kung saan niya nakuha ang courage to speak, or to even think of the thought he has in his head right now. But he still spitted it out.

"Jeonghan… what if huminto ka na sa pagyoyosi?" Unti-unti nang nawawala ang ngiti ng kausap niya sa mga nabanggit niyang salita kaya hinabulan niya na agad ito ng, "I'll help you naman."

Hindi na ulit bumalik ang ngisi ni Jeonghan, pero his look still has a glint of amusement in it. "Paano naman?" he asked, his voice low, but soft, it came off as a whisper.

"Do you really want to know?" Nawawala na rin ang lakas sa boses ni Wonwoo, halos nagbubulungan na lang tuloy sila kahit na wala namang tao sa bakanteng space na 'to.

Jeonghan shrugged. "Indulge me."

It was a challenge. A challenge that Wonwoo should've dodged instead. Pero hindi. Pinanindigan ang pagiging tanga at talagang kumagat pa siya.

Halos mabingi na siya sa sariling tibok ng puso niya, he could seriously hear it ring within his ear. Pero ang katawan niya, parang tinatakwil na siya. Sobrang dysfunctional na ng katawan niya, kung tutuusin, hindi na maikontrol ang ibang parte. Probably the doing of Jeonghan drugs (na gawa-gawa lang niya as a Jeonghan addict) running in his veins.

Wonwoo swiped Jeonghan's cheek before cupping it softly with his warm palm. Kitang-kita niya ang pagtataka sa mukha nito, pero he doesn't necessarily want him to stop, so of course, Wonwoo didn't stop.

He closed his eyes and slowly let his lips touched with Jeonghan's. For the first time in a while, paki-ready na ang headline, mainit-init pa ito, natanggalan ng angas si Jeonghan. It took a while bago niya maprocess ang nangyayari. Nakadilat pa ang mata niya, pero nakahawak na ang kamay niya sa balikat ni Wonwoo, pang-suporta sa sarili niya kasi pakiramdam niya tutumba na siya sa nangyayari.

Jeonghan genuinely can't comprehend everything, but fair enough, Wonwoo couldn't grasp whatever he's doing, either. Hinalikan lang naman niya ang yosi break (kahit na hindi naman na siya nagyoyosi) buddy niya. Absolutely insane thing to do, nice one, Wonwoo.

Napayuko si Wonwoo nang ilayo na niya ang labi niya at saka natawa. Parang nag-sisink in na sa kanya ang mga ginawa niya at tinamaan na siya ng hiya. Nice one talaga. Eto na last yosi break mo niyan. Sobrang tanga lang.

He heard Jeonghan chuckle. "That's gonna stop me from smoking?"

"Kasi naman e…" Wonwoo whined, feeling more embarrassed now that he had to cover his face with both of his hands.

Jeonghan, still laughing, removed Wonwoo's arms from his face. Sinalubong niya ang mga mata nito bago sabihing, "Ulitin mo. You can do better."

"If you say it like that, mas lalo akong mahihiya."

"Dali na," Jeonghan said, prolonging the last syllable. Tinapik niya ang pisngi ni Wonwoo. "Again."

Hindi na napigilang ngumiti ni Wonwoo at saka kinabig si Jeonghan bago halikan ulit. Ramdam ni Jeonghan ang ngiti ni Wonwoo sa pagitan ng halikan nila kaya napangiti na rin siya before letting himself be taken by the moment.

The taste of cigarette was still etched on Jeonghan's lips kaya nalalasahan pa ito ni Wonwoo. Ganto pala ang yosi break. Nakatikim nga ng yosi, sa ibang paraan nga lang.

Wonwoo then sucked on Jeonghan's lower lip and it elicited a soft moan from the latter, which hindi i-dedeny ni Wonwoo na sobrang sarap pakinggan no'n. He became more eager, so he kissed him harder than he ever did, tongue messily entering their mouths, nibbing from there and then, and as if to drive Wonwoo crazy more, he could hear the sloppy noises they're making. God, sobrang sarap, 'yan lang ang paulit-ulit na binabanggit niya sa utak niya the whole time na nag-momomol sila.

Nang nararamdaman na ni Jeonghan na mauubusan na siya ng hininga, humiwalay na muna siya at sinandal ang noo niya sa noo ni Wonwoo. He swiped his finger across Wonwoo's lower lip. Napatingin tuloy si Wonwoo diretso sa mata niya. He couldn't help but think, ano ba 'yan, lahat na lang ng ginagawa niya, sobrang hot.

"So, eto na ang idea mo?" Jeonghan wriggled his brow.

Natawa si Wonwoo, 'di lang sa kanya, kung hindi sa buong sitwasyon na rin. "Oo. May explanation kasi."

Amusement did not leave Jeonghan's face. Nakinig lang siya kay Wonwoo habang hinahagod ang batok nito na parang gusto pa umisa. Na-pick up naman niya ang sinasabi ni Wonwoo, na kissing actually relieves stress, tapos healthy pa kaysa sa pag-ssmoke, na kissing him also has no cost kaysa sa yosi na ang mahal-mahal, na kissing is so much better or whatever, ang ganda-ganda tignan ni Wonwoo with his lips plump from the long kissing.

Napahinto naman sa pagsasalita si Wonwoo nang mapansin na hindi na nakikinig si Jeonghan. "Titig na titig ka na naman, crush mo ba ako?"

Napangiti si Jeonghan. "Oo nga." Hindi naman, e.

Parang natauhan naman bigla si Wonwoo. Ano ba 'tong ginagawa niya? Jeonghan, out of all the people? He doesn't like him, he's naturally a flirt, but that's it. Oh, god, this sucks.

Tumunog naman ang alarm ni Jeonghan na agad nitong pinatay kasi baka may makarinig pa at masita sila. 

He left a last kiss on Wonwoo's lips. "Una na 'ko, thanks for today, Wonwoo."

Pero bago makaalis si Jeonghan, hinatak siya ni Wonwoo, na ayan na naman! May sarili na namang isip ang katawan niya.

"Think about my offer," seryosong saad ni Wonwoo na ikinatawa ni Jeonghan.

"I will, text-text na lang." But Wonwoo can't help wondering… will he really? 

What if Wonwoo genuinely wanted him to stop smoking? Pero what if Jeonghan perceived it as him wanting to kiss him lang? He just wants him to stop smoking, in a subtle way nga lang, kasi it's really turning unhealthy. At ang pag-kiss, healthy? Pwede na.

He's so torn on the action he made tonight. He was so fucked.

Alam na nga niyang nauulol na siya sa kanya, hinalikan pa! And what would happened next? Malamang mauulol pa lalo. 

But at least, he gets to relieve his' and Jeonghan's stress, 'di ba? So, there's that. May positive outcome naman. 'Wag na masyado mag-overthink.

Because best believe Jeonghan didn't. Not when he sent a message the next day, a notification na nagpasigaw kay Wonwoo at nagpalingon na naman kay Soonyoung sa kanya.

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

avail ka ba mamaya hahahaha

tara

momol break?

Yeah, Wonwoo is so fucked.

He still went that night, though. And suffered with the repercussions, in a form of a realization.

Na hindi na lang parang shabu si Jeonghan na hinahanap-hanap niya sa gabi.

Na hindi na niya magawang makinig kay Al James, na nagsasabing 'wag maaning kay Jeonghan dahil hindi naman siya PDEA.

Na hindi na lang isang yosi si Jeonghan dahil lang adik siya sa kanya.

Isa na siyang yosi dahil hindi na niya mapigilan matuwa kapag nakikita at nahahawakan siya, lalo na kapag nararamdaman na niya siya sa labi niya.

Isa na siyang yosi dahil kahit na ang laki ng nagagastos niya, ang laki ng bininigay niya para rito, hindi na niya iniinda kasi gusto niya, e. Kasi napapakalma siya. 

Pero gaya nga ng yosi, at gaya rin ni Jeonghan, dapat na niya 'tong itigil.

Hindi siya pwede magkagusto sa kanya, he should stop. 

He should've stopped. Something he should've done earlier.

Pero paano ba 'yan, pambansang tanga si Wonwoo, e.

He didn't stop, so he let himself fall harder and harder and harder.

Kahit na wala namang sumalo.

Chapter Text

“Wait, wait.”

Wonwoo pushed Jeonghan away, but not exerting too much force because the last thing he wanted to happen was to intentionally hurt him. Medyo hinihingal pa siya nu’ng sinalubong niya ang mga mata ni Jeonghan na puno ng pagkwekwestyon sa ngayon.

“Lasa kang yosi,” Wonwoo answered to his unspoken question, which made Jeonghan grunt, kaya sinundan pa ito ni Wonwoo. “Sabi mo kasi ‘di ka na nagyoyosi after ng…” momol sessions natin. Pero kahit naman si Pinocchio ‘di talaga masasabi ‘yan, e.

Bumuntong-hininga si Jeonghan at umayos ng tayo. “Tara na.”

Wonwoo did not move from his position. Nakaramdam na siya ng slight—very slight lang naman—na inis kasi umiiwas na agad si Jeonghan sa tanong niya. So he dared to ask once again, “so nagyoyosi ka pa rin?”

There were a few seconds of silence where they merely just exchanged glances bago nagsalita si Jeonghan. “Ngayon lang, okay?” Sinuklay niya ang buhok niya gamit ang mga sarili niyang daliri. “Ngayon na lang naman ulit.”

‘Di na lang sumagot si Wonwoo because he figured one more word from him would make Jeonghan agitated. It’s not that Wonwoo’s mad, kung siya ang tatanungin. And it’s not that he had any right to be, anyway. Pero he just doesn’t get how Jeonghan is saying one thing, then doing another. Pero sige, wala naman nga kasi siyang karapatan.

Jeonghan let out a sigh once again, his shoulders sagging, all the tension on it being released. “Sorry, ‘di ako galit,” he said, na para bang alam niyang inooverthink na ni Wonwoo kung galit na ba siya ngayon. “Just really had a bad day.”

“Gets ko naman,” mabagal na sagot ni Wonwoo, nananantya. “Kahit naman magyosi ka, hindi mo naman kailangan mag-explain.” That’s what he told him. Or that’s what he mostly convinced himself of.

Tinaasan siya ni Jeonghan ng kilay bago hinawakan ang braso nito. “Galit ka?” Wonwoo gave him a wary look na ikinatawa ni Jeonghan. “Masarap naman ‘yung momol ngayon, e, pinutol mo nga lang.”

Hinampas siya ni Wonwoo kahit na ramdam na niya ang pamumula ng pisngi niya. Jeonghan just gave him his usual smirk once again, but this time it looks softer and more fond than the ones he had shown before. 

“So, tara na?” Jeonghan offers, clinging his arm around Wonwoo’s. Tumango na lang si Wonwoo at nagpatianod kay Jeonghan who had him in control.

Wonwoo is so good at this—acting like he’s unaffected.

Oo, both of them shared multiple heated kisses before. Wonwoo has touched the delicate softness of Jeonghan’s skin when they do, from his cheeks to elbow. They have closed the distance as tight as they could ever know. 

But Wonwoo still thinks that he won’t ever get used to all of it.

He still has the urge to flinch, just an urge, kapag nadadaplos ng kamay ni Jeonghan ang balat niya. He still treats his touch as a foreign thing, one that seems like it happens rarely, pero hindi naman. Everything just feels so surreal. Jeonghan is in his proximity. It doesn't feel so true.

Pero the only explanation na Wonwoo could offer is that theme song na kasi ng buhay niya ang "Backburner" ni Niki dahil isa siyang bare minimum. Lalo na kay Jeonghan. Whatever he can offer, he will take it without leaving any crumbs, kasi nga, si Jeonghan na 'yan, e.

And it's not because he's putting him on a pedestal again. He has seen him in his worst. He knew na he's more of that maangas persona na ipinakita niya nu'ng una. Pero even then, he still thinks of him highly. He admires how Jeonghan can keep him sane and intact, kasi moments before he met him, he's losing it. And he's still losing it now, by the way. But at least a part of it is because of Jeonghan na lang. 

If he's going to lose his mind and the reason for it is Jeonghan, wala siyang pake. Magpalechon pa siya sa asylum.

"Saan tayo pupunta?" tanong ni Wonwoo nang maputol ang pagmumuni-muni niya at mapagtanto niyang hindi sila padiretso sa pinagtatrabahuan ni Jeonghan.

"Kakain. Nagutom ako, e." 

Napatingin si Wonwoo sa relo niya. "Sure ka? Meron ka na lang 15 minutes."

Jeonghan grinned. "'Di naman tayo sa restaurant kakain, ‘to naman." 

Wonwoo just shrugged, wala ng laban sa kanya. Naglakad pa sila nang kaunti bago huminto sa isang street food vendor. Amoy na amoy ni Wonwoo ang bagong pritong fishball at kwek-kwek at narinig niya pa ang pagkalam ng sikmura niya. Gago, totoo pala talagang exercise ang pakikipagmomol. When Wonwoo spelled out to him every single benefit a kiss gives, most of it were just pure blabbers, but then somehow it makes sense now that those are true.

"Tusok ka lang, ako magbabayad," sabi ni Jeonghan bago nagsimulang magtusok ng sa kanya.

Kumuha ng baso si Wonwoo. "Ako na magbabayad ng sa akin."

Nagpalabas ng mahinang tawa si Jeonghan, na para bang isang joke ang sinabi ni Wonwoo. "Nahiya ka pa. Nagpalitan na tayo ng laway."

Sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Wonwoo sa walang prenong bibig nito, pero 'di rin naman nasindak si Jeonghan. Sinilip tuloy ni Wonwoo ang tindero kung narinig ba nito ang sinabi niya, pero mukhang wala naman siyang pake at busy lang siyang magprito ng tinda niya. Buti pa siya 'di infected ng chismosavirus.

Gaya ng sinabi ni Jeonghan kanina, siya na lang nagbayad ng pagkain nila. Syempre, wala na rin nagawa si Wonwoo para pigilan siya. He just took this moment as an opportunity para enjoyin ang piling niya. 

"Thank you po, kuya!" maligalig na paalam ni Jeonghan sa nagtitinda pagkatapos magbayad, which Wonwoo found cute. Sana pwede niya na lang ibulsa ang lalaking 'to.

Unbeknownst to him, however, a ghost of smile hasn't left his lips as he stared at him, kaya naman napansin pa ito ni Jeonghan mismo. Hindi naman niya siya inasar, pero sa pagngisi niya, it's obvious that he noticed it. 

Tumambay muna sila sa tahimik na lugar ulit, pero mas malapit na lang sa kung saan nagtatrabaho si Jeonghan. They filled themselves with the street foods as of now, along with the privilege of silence that both of them could barely experience when they are not together. It's so nice like this.

Sa mga nagdaan na buwan, this yosi break thing between them really has gone beyond their usual stress-relieving way through smoking. Of course wala naman sila sa stage where they exchange specific information about each other, kung ilan sila magkakakapatid, kung ilan na ba ex nila, they really did not bother finding it qll out. But they still shared some deep conversations, one where they could pour out their worries and souls that not even they could spill to the people they are close to.

Kahit na all they did was dine, or puff out some smoke, or kiss between those times, Jeonghan and Wonwoo has become each other’s escape from their everyday struggles. They have slowly become each other’s person.

“Tapos ka na?”

Nilingon ni Wonwoo si Jeonghan na kanina pa nakatingin nang diretso sa daan. Hindi na naman niya namalayan na nakatitig lang ito sa kanya magmula pa kanina, and when he finally did, lumakas na naman tibok ng puso niya. And maybe this is also one of the few things he won’t ever get used to—si Jeonghan na ang mata ay laging na sa kanya lang.

Pinunasan ni Wonwoo ang sauce sa gilid ng sarili niyang labi gamit ang hinlalaki niya at kahit ang daliri niya na iyon ay sinundan pa rin ni Jeonghan ng tingin. 

Lumapit si Jeonghan at hinawakan ang kamay ni Wonwoo para pigilan siya. “Akin na, tulungan na kita.”

Wonwoo expected to feel Jeonghan's warm touch once again through the swipe of his own finger, pero nagulat na lang siya nang maramdaman niya ang init ng dila nito, dinidilaan na ang natitirang sauce, bago niya pinatakan ng mabilis na halik ang gilid ng labi niya.

Napalunok si Wonwoo nu'ng lumayo na si Jeonghan, pero nakangisi lang ito sa kanya, parang wala lang nangyari. Sobrang sama talaga sa kalusugan ni Jeonghan, malala pa sa yosi, actually.

"Napakababoy," na lang ang nasabi ni Wonwoo kahit na rinig na niya ang pintig ng puso niya sa tenga niya. Jeonghan knew that was not what Wonwoo was thinking though, prompting him to wriggle his brows at him.

Pinahinga muna ni Jeonghan ang kamay niya sa bewang ni Wonwoo at pinahinga niya rin ulit ang mata niya, tumititig lang ulit sa mukha nito. Wonwoo did not dare to look away from that stare. Nagtititigan lang sila na parang tanga hanggang sa matawa sila dahil mukha nga silang ewan.

At parang pinipiga na naman ang puso ni Wonwoo at the sight of Jeonghan's smile. Sobrang cute. It's so pure. So different from his default smirk. He likes to see it more often. 

As if to make things worse for him, Jeonghan’s smile escalated as now his teeth were starting to show, his eyes were turning even more crescent, and little giggles were coming out of his throat. Tangina, ang ganda. Wonwoo had it so bad that all he wanted to do was to keep him, hold him, or squeeze him. 

He ended up not doing any of those.

Instead, lumapit lang siya nang kaunti at saka hinagkan ang pisngi ni Jeonghan. Nawala tuloy ang ngiti nito at unti-unting nabalot ng gulat ang kanyang mukha. Wonwoo caressed his face first, letting his hand memorize its details and its downiness. Both of them could hear their respective breaths getting heavier, but it did not faze Wonwoo. It did not stop him from moving closer and placing his lips on top of Jeonghan’s.

There were few seconds that have passed where none of them moved, their bodies left immobile. It was only when Jeonghan held on Wonwoo’s elbow that urged Wonwoo to flick his lips open and slowly moved it, savoring his lips.

Jeonghan exhaled before responding back, going along with the pace. It wasn't rash or messy. It was different. Sobrang bagal. Sobrang maingat.

It was so tender that Jeonghan felt like he was some sort of a breakable figure with the way Wonwoo was holding and kissing him. It just didn't feel like how they used to make out before. This alone didn't feel like making out.

Hindi rin alam ni Wonwoo kung bakit niya ginagawa 'to. Pero alam niya kung ano ang nararamdaman niya at this very moment. Alam niya kung bakit sobrang maalaga ng paglapat niya ng bibig niya sa kanya.

Kasi, fuck, gusto na niya si Jeonghan. Gustong-gusto.

He probably knew it naman even before. With how he was getting affected over him, this isn't big news. But still, meron something kanina about him na pushed his heart to explode. Para bang that was the last straw, for him to express whatever he's feeling for him.

And he's bad with words, so he hoped na with this tender kiss, unlike to his usual untamed one, napapaparamdam niya sa kanya. How he wanted him so bad. How he wanted to do this with him for so long. How he wanted their deal not to be just a "break".

Si Jeonghan ang unang lumayo sa halikan nilang dalawa, naghahabol pa ng hininga. Bumuka-sara ang bibig niya, nag-cocontemplate kung magtatanong pa ba siya pero umiling na lang siya at ngumiti kay Wonwoo. 

Ngumiti rin siya pabalik at nilagay ang kamay sa bewang ni Jeonghan. The latter moved in closer, resting his head on Wonwoo's chest. Binalot ni Wonwoo ang mga braso niya sa katawan nito, and they settled in that position for a good two minutes. They both ignored the sound of their heartbeats, not that they both knew na it wasn't because they were still catching their breaths from their kiss, but because of the adrenaline that both of them could feel from simply being magnetized. 

"Alis ka na?" Wonwoo asked in the softest way possible.

Jeonghan hummed. "Tara na."

Kumawala na sila sa yakap ng isa't isa. Hinawakan ni Wonwoo ang kamay ni Jeonghan at saka yumuko para takpan ang namumula niyang pisngi. Napangiti naman si Jeonghan bago hinigpitan ang hawak niya sa kanya.

"Alam mo, Wonwoo, dapat mag-inom naman tayo sa susunod."

Natawa si Wonwoo. "Kung may time ka, sige."

Jeonghan made a disgusted expression kaya lalo lang natawa ulit si Wonwoo. After no'n, balik na naman sila sa pagiging tahimik, but also once again, not the uncomfortable kind of silence. Enough na ang malalakas na tibok ng puso nila para paingayin ang kapaligiran.

“Wonwoo, alam mo, sa ginagawa mo, aasa na ako niyan,” Jeonghan said, a pout can be heard along.

Umangat ang labi ni Wonwoo. Parang ‘di naman siya ang nagpapaasa, e. Parang si Wonwoo pa nga ang umaasa.

Pero hindi naman siya nanunumbat kasi ginusto niya ‘to, e. Kahit ano pang sabihin ni Jeonghan na ikakaasa niya, sige lang (paiyak na talaga siya).

When they finally reached Jeonghan's site, nagpaalam na sila sa isa't isa. Just simple hand waves, though. But with their longing glances, they both knew well enough.

Wonwoo knew na Jeonghan was now aware of what Wonwoo was feeling towards him.

At sa mga nagdaan na araw, 'yon lang ang nasa isip niya. Every time he gets lost on his trance about Jeonghan, kailangan pa siyang tapikin ni Soonyoung para i-reality check, literally.

"Huy, ano? ‘Yung jowa mo na naman ba ‘yan?"

“Wala nga akong jowa.”

Soonyoung snickered. “E ‘di ‘yung ‘di mo jowa. Iniisip mo na naman. Tama na ‘yan.”

Napairap na lang si Wonwoo dahil as if naman gano'n lang kadali na itigil na 'tong pag-iisip sa kanya. He's so deep into this na he felt like he won't ever get back up.

And that's dangerous. But he really couldn't care less.

Not until few days have passed by again at hindi na nga siya nakakarinig muli kay Jeonghan, which is unusual na ngayon kasi they really often message each other kahit na hindi naman sila mag-yoyosi break. And now, ayan, talagang wala siyang ni isang pa-seen.

You

Buhay ka pa ba?

Delivered 1:43 p.m.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang si Wonwoo, sa inis at gulo. Kahit naman siguro sobrang busy ni Jeonghan, e, makakapagtext pa rin siya, ‘di ba? And it’s just hypocritic kasi Jeonghan is the type of person who jokes around about demanding replies, pero siya ‘to ngayon na walang isang salita. Nakakainis.

Wonwoo tried to not get affected dahil baka magtanong pa si Soonyoung, at ayaw niya pa i-kwento lahat sa kanya sa ngayon. When he’s ready, he will. But not now when naguguho na ang lahat.

Fuck, the thought of whatever he has with Jeonghan being crumbled feared him. Hindi pwedeng mawala si Jeonghan, dahil paano na lang siya? Paano na lang niya kakayanin?

He sent another message, and another, and that summed up his days as it passed by again. Just him waiting and yearning for Jeonghan and his responses.

You

Naaalala ko sabi mo nun may presentation ka ngayon

I’ll be there at 10

See you

Wonwoo pressed “send” with another sigh being released out of his mouth. Oo, pagod na siya. Mukha na siyang tanga. Pero hindi niya rin naman mapigilan sarili niya. It’s such a paradox on how Jeonghan is the person who can make him sane, but also the person who can make him do such insane things.

Pero syempre, Wonwoo knew his boundaries din naman. If he was insane, he would’ve gone to Jeonghan’s company site, pero ‘di naman siya gano’n kalala. He won’t go there unless invited by Jeonghan himself. 

So all he could do right now is just wait sa tambayan nila, dito sa smoking area. He stood there, just like what he texted, anticipating Jeonghan's presence. Kung anu-ano na ngang dahilan ang nabuo na niya sa isip niya para lang depensahan ang kawalan ni Jeonghan ngayon, na baka overtime lang, o kaya sira pala ang phone niya kaya ‘di niya nababasa mga message ni Wonwoo, o basta kahit ano na hindi tumutumbas sa dahilan na ghinost lang siya nito. Kasi ‘di niya matatanggap ‘yon.

Ilang oras na ang lumipas at napapapikit-pikit na rin si Wonwoo, pero hindi pa rin siya umalis. Nakaupo lang siya sa maruming sahig, contrary to what he always says to Jeonghan na huwag gagawin ‘yon kasi nga marumi.

Tinignan ni Wonwoo ang relo niya. 1:56 a.m.

Napailing na lang siya at tumayo. Okay , this is it for today. There’s still tomorrow. Baka pagod lang si Jeonghan at gusto na niya magpahinga agad. He’ll probably drop by bukas. Yes, that how it will most likely go.

And well, that was not how it went by.

Wonwoo waited tonight for another one hour more , kaya naman nakatulog na siya sa paghihintay. He probably looked like a homeless person na natutulog na lang sa kalsada, pero wala na siyang pake. All he could think of right now is Jeonghan. Si Jeonghan lang.

Kumain na ba siya? Anong oras kaya siya lalabas? Baka nagpalit na siya ng schedule? Ayos lang ba siya?

Kasi si Wonwoo, hindi na, e. 

Ang natitirang pag-asa sa puso niya parang napapalitan na lang ng takot at lungkot. Talagang iniwan na nga yata siya ni Jeonghan. Tangina, ang sakit naman.

Hindi na rin alam ni Wonwoo kung ilang gabi pa ba siya nagpunta sa smoking area na ‘yon, o kung ilang beses pa ba siya nakatulog, pero alam niya na hanggang ngayon, wala talagang kahit anong paramdam si Jeonghan. Mapa-social media o physical presence, wala talaga. 

Parang bigla na lang siyang bulang naglaho.

Tonight, though, he tried not to fall asleep. Baka kasi bumibisita naman talaga si Jeonghan, pero ‘di lang nagtatagal. Ayan na naman siya sa mga “baka niya”. Umaasa na naman kahit na nasa harap na ang sagot, na iniwan lang talaga siya ng taong ‘yon.

Wonwoo laughed at himself. Never would he ever thought na itatapon niya self-worth niya for this. Kahit na awang-awa na siya sa sarili niya, dedma lang. Para kay Jeonghan. Tanginang Jeonghan ‘yan.

Napayuko si Wonwoo, iniisip kung matutulog ba siya dito ulit o uuwi na lang. Mag-iisip na ba siya ng matino o magpapakatanga ulit?

Pero bigla na lang siya natigil nang may anino sa sahig, isang taong nasa harapan niya ngayon. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya at bumilis ang tibok ng puso niya sa tuwa. Eto na ‘yun. Nandito na siya! Right… right?

Well, not really.

It’s another stranger na nakapiling ang ulo at pinapanood siya. May hawak itong stick ng yosi sa pagitan ng daliri niya. Bumagsak tuloy ang puso ni Wonwoo dahil nabigyan na naman siya ng maling pag-asa. Siguro nga ay kailangan na niya magpunta sa Stage 5 ng Five Stages of Grief at tanggapin na lang na wala na talaga.

Nagdikit ang kilay ni Wonwoo nang maramdaman niyang umupo sa tabi niya ang lalaking nasa harap niya kanina. ‘Di naman gano’n kaliitan ang smoking area, makadikit naman ‘to.

He doesn’t like the idea of someone taking up the space beside him because that was meant for… Jeonghan. Siya na naman.

A piece of cigarette was handed out in his sight, and he felt shivers kasi ang tagal na niya huling makakita ng ganito. Kahit na noong nagmomol sessions sila ni Jeonghan, he barely saw cigarettes anymore. Pero ano bang ineexpect niya, malamang smoking area ‘to, may yosi.

“Nangangawit na ako.”

Umirap si Wonwoo at kinuha ito. Hindi naman niya hinihingi, para siya pang agrabyado.

Pinahiram din siya ng lighter ng katabi niya. Tahimik na sinindihan ni Wonwoo ang yosi niya at parang may kakaiba siyang naramdaman nang malasahan muli ang ito. It felt so foreign, but also familiar. The comfort it gives is. Ang sarap pa rin sa pakiramdam.

But it sucks.

He should’ve had his lips at Jeonghan’s right now, instead of this fuckass cigarette. Or even if he has one, dapat si Jeonghan ang nagbubukas no’n gamit ang sarili niyang yosi. Dapat kasama niya siya ngayon, at dapat gusto niya ang katahimikan na bumabalot sa kanya, ‘di tulad ng sa ngayon kung saan para siyang sinasakal.

Tangina, miss na miss na niya si Jeonghan. Hindi na niya kaya. Sobrang kulang ng buhay.

After days of suppressing all of his feelings, sunod-sunod na lang na tumulo ang mga luha niya, pero hindi na niya pinunasan ang mga ito. Hinayaan niya lang habang bumubuga siya ng usok. Ramdam niya ang panginginig ng mga kamay at labi niya, pero ang nasa isip niya lang talaga ay si Jeonghan.

Si Jeonghan na kasama niya para sa huling yosi niya dapat. Si Jeonghan na sinubukan niyang patigilin magyosi. Si Jeonghan na laging nakikinig sa mga rants niya. Si Jeonghan na nagtiwala at binuhos ang mga inipon niyang saloobin sa kanya in return. Si Jeonghan na nagpapabaliw sa kanya. Si Jeonghan na gabi-gabi niyang inaabangan. SI Jeonghan na… wala na ngayon. Si Jeonghan.

Napahagulgol na nang malakas si Wonwoo, at mukhang wala lang pake ang katabi niya ngayon. Diretso lang ang tingin nito sa daan habang si Wonwoo ay patuloy pa rin sa pag-iyak, nakakapit ang paupos na yosi sa mga daliri niya. Lumalabo na rin ang paningin niya at parang pinapalala pa ng utak niya ang nararamdaman niya dahil tila may nagrereplay na mga moments nila ni Jeonghan, mula sa mga hawak nila hanggang sa tawanan—lahat. 

Wala na. Iniwan na siya ni Jeonghan. Mag-isa na lang siya. 

Humithit si Wonwoo sa yosi niya bago tinapon ito at tinapakan. Bumuga siya bago tumingala sa langit para pigilan ang mga nagbabadya na namang mga luha.

Yosi break lang dapat.

E, bakit umabot sa ganto? Bakit ang sakit-sakit? Bakit kahit na nagyosi siya ngayon, ang bagay na nagpapakalma sa kanya, hindi pa rin siya okay?

Bakit mas masakit pa ang lahat ng ‘to kaysa sa tumigil sa pagyosi?

Tumayo na ang katabi niya at kinita ang mata niya. “You’re welcome sa yosi,” saad nito bago tumalikod at naglakad papalayo.

Not that Wonwoo has something to thank for, anyway, because it just made him miss someone even more.

Jeonghan, nasaan ka na ba?

Jeonghan, balik ka na.

Chapter Text

“I wanna see you.” 

Napadikit ang mga kilay ni Wonwoo bago humagalpak ng tawa. He leaned closer to his phone as he shuffled up the bed, na para bang mas mapapalapit siya sa kausap niya sa ganitong paraan.

“Busy ka, ‘di ba?” Wonwoo genuinely asked kasi he didn’t want to bother him.

The man on the other line snickered, but even then, Wonwoo could hear the sound of him smiling. “Sobra.” He let out a grunt before following, “ayoko na magwork.”

“Kailangan mo. Paano mo na lang babayaran ‘yung utang mong tusok-tusok sa’kin?” 

Wonwoo pulled his head away from the speaker when he started arguing out loud. “Hoy, ang kapal mo! Ang tagal na no’n! Kahit sampu pang gano’n, kaya kong sagutin, e!”

Napailing-iling na lang si Wonwoo kasi ang hirap naman magbiro sa kanya. Minsan namimiss niya rin si Soonyoung na at some point, gets ang humor niya kasi that’s how they figured out before na they were so platonically compatible, e kaso nilamon na rin ng pagkayod sa buhay, kaya ayan, Wonwoo is stuck up talking to this guy on his phone na lang.

Not that he’s complaining kasi at the end of the day, he enjoys his company the most naman.

“Eme lang, ito naman,” pambawi ni Wonwoo. “Puntahan mo na lang ako maya dito if ‘di ka busy.”

The man hummed in response. “Sige, tignan ko. Text kita.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Natawa ulit si Wonwoo and it felt so much lighter every passing day, being able to laugh without anything to worry about, without anything to restrict him from his moves. 

“Bye na,” saad ni Wonwoo bago pinatay ang call after magpaalam pabalik ng kausap niya.

He let out a sigh, not a deep one that sounds like releasing all of his inhibitions, but one that felt so fulfilling. 

Talking to Minghao just always feels like a breath of fresh air. It always puts him at ease without doing anything much.

When he felt deep in misery before, trying to salvage his constricted lungs that weren’t from the intoxicating doings of cigarettes, but from too much yearning for Jeonghan, Minghao was there, never leaving his side. 

Of course, hindi intentional ‘yun.

Minghao merely wanted to stay in the smoking area to, ano pa ba , e ‘di mag-smoke. However, Wonwoo’s just out there mourning for Jeonghan's "ghosting", waiting for him patiently to come back. And Minghao just kept coming back to the smoking area rin, constantly offering Wonwoo a cigarette like he did the first time, but Wonwoo turned it down the second time and for the others that have followed.

Unfortunately, nakakasampung kaha na yata si Minghao, pero hindi pa rin bumabalik si Jeonghan. Mas matibay pa siya sa Rugby. And it pained Wonwoo, of course. Kasi it’s a clear sign na hindi na talaga siya babalik pa. Hindi niya truly ma-grasp ang thought na nawala na lang siya na parang bula. Na ang dali lang para sa kanya na iwan siya nang walang paalam. Pero ano ba kasi magagawa niya? Wala naman siya pinanghahawakan. Hindi naman sila. Yosi break buddies lang sila.

But fortunately, Minghao was there to accompany him in his awful days kahit na as mentioned, hindi naman intentional ‘yun. After days of spending the suffocating silence together, they started to exchange small conversations. Wonwoo learned na Minghao just found the place to be really comforting for some reason and he’s just deep into smoking because he got accustomed to it na. There wasn’t any special reason behind him staying unlike him who was anticipating someone who was long gone already.

Because of their continuous conversations every following day, Wonwoo found his presence comfortable, and it meant a lot as a person who finds it hard to be easily at ease with people. 

From thereafter, they both realized na they both have so many things in common, so Wonwoo did what he couldn’t do with Jeonghan. He started spending time with Minghao outside of the smoking area. They drank beverages together, dined in to restaurants, and visited museums to adore breathtaking pieces, though Wonwoo wasn’t all that oblivious when Minghao was treating him as one. 

They basically became friends, and with the absence of the cigarette pa, which is why it was more intimate and deep for Wonwoo.

Hindi naman pinagkait ni Wonwoo si Minghao sa kwento patungkol kay Jeonghan. Sinabi niya rin na may poot at lungkot pa rin na naninirahan sa puso niya. But Minghao just smiled at him. He wasn’t very subtle about his feelings, but Minghao assured him multiple times na he was fine with being just friends. They were comfortable like that, and who was Wonwoo to say no?

They have grown closer together in the passing time. They have gravitated more towards each other, like magnets being pulled in conjunction. And honestly, it became easier for Wonwoo to move forward from the burdens that Jeonghan has left him with because like lungs being filled with dangerous smoke, Minghao came like a puff of clean air cleansing those organs.

Tatayo na sana si Wonwoo mula sa kama niya nang biglang tumunog na naman ang phone niya. He lazily picked it up, expecting another text from Minghao. He rubbed his eyes, trying to read the message clearly.

From: Je ㅡ putangina?

He rubbed his eyes again after reading the contact name, na para bang bigla na lang ito mababago. Kinuha niya pa ang salamin niya dahil baka namamalikmata lang siya kahit na siya lang naman ang may ganoong kahabang contact name sa phone niya hanggang ngayon. 

And well, yes. He still kept his number, not removing him from his contacts list. Because he wasn’t responding, anyway, so ano pa bang pinagkaiba kung tatanggalin niya.

Ramdam na ulit ni Wonwoo ang bilis ng tibok ng puso niya nang tignan niya ang screen, pero it's not because of kilig or anticipation. It's merely just out of nervousness. Kasi what could he possibly texted? After a year and a few months? Biglang nagparamdam? 

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

tara, yosi break?

Baka prank lang 'to . Wonwoo nodded his head repeatedly as if letting that belief sink in. Sobrang random lang kasi. Parang nagkasnow bigla sa Pinas. 

Does he think everything is still the same? Na pwede na lang siya mag-aya out of nowhere? Yosi break na lang bigla after mangghost? It doesn't work like that.

Tinignan ulit ni Wonwoo kung tama ba ang number at kung siya ba talaga ito, at mas lalong nais nang kumawala ng puso niya nang mapagtanto niyang tama nga ito. From the extensive times he waited for a message or call from him, memoryado na niya ang twelve-digit numbers na ‘yan. And it’s so spot-on. That is so him.

He started pacing back and forth in his room, and he wanted to hate him. He wanted to shout at him and say “ang kapal ng mukha mo!”. But he knew deep down na niloloko niya lang sarili niya.

Because after all, Wonwoo still wanted to see Jeonghan.

He wanted to know how he’s doing. Wanted to know what really happened. Wanted to have a closure for the tiny wound left in his heart. Wanted to give a part of his soul a relief.

He thought of informing Minghao about it, pero he knew it wouldn’t even take long if he ever decided to meet Jeonghan, so if he’s still up for meeting him in his house, he would be able to go back agad. Hindi naman sila mag-iinuman at kakain ng pulutan doon ni Jeonghan while bonding over the times they have missed. 

And it left a bitter taste in Wonwoo's mouth kasi that was one of the plans they were supposed to do. E kaso, paano pa? Ghinost na nga siya.

But still, as if his hands have their minds of their own, it started typing a reply to Jeonghan’s message.

Jeonghan (yosi boy)

tara, yosi break?

You

Ok

Kasabay ng pagdagdag ng tapak ni Wonwoo paharap ay ang paglakas ng tibok ng puso niya. Dahil sa kaluskos ng sapatos niya sa gitna ng katahimikan, agad na napaangat ang tingin ni Jeonghan sa kanya. May maliit na ngiti na pumorma sa labi nito, pero prente pa ring nakaguhit na linya ang kay Wonwoo.

Wala siyang dapat ikangiti. Wala siyang dapat ikatuwa. 

Pero, tangina , bakit ba kailangan niyang diktahan ang sarili niyang nararamdaman?

Tumayo siya sa harap ni Jeonghan, at kahit wala pa silang palitan ng salita, unti-unti na agad namuo ang luha sa gilid ng mata niya.

Nakakainis. 

Nakakainis kasi kahit na halo-halo na ang galit at inis niya sa kanya, hindi niya maitatanggi na namiss niya siya. Namiss niya ang Jeonghan, na once in his life, he was able to call his, despite having not any rights to do so.

Napatayo na rin si Jeonghan, his eyes attempting to glued its gaze on his. “Won—”

“Tangina mo.”

Napanganga si Jeonghan sa gulat, his eyes widening with the sudden curse, pero he eventually nodded. “Gets.”

Wonwoo let out a short, humorless laugh. “Nakakainis… nakakainis.”

Jeonghan’s expression softened, and he was immediately greeted by a sudden urge of guilt. “If ‘di mo kaya, or masakit talaga na makita ako, you can go. I wouldn’t mind.”

“Well, I mind if I leave you alone dito without even talking,” Wonwoo said, wiping his tears and sitting down after dahil nagsisimula na siyang mangawit.

Umupo na rin si Jeonghan sa tabi niya. Nakayuko lang si Wonwoo, hinahabol pa ang hininga habang pinaglalaruan ang sarili niyang mga paa. And like before, he could feel the weight of Jeonghan’s stare at him. 

At gaya ng dati, hinayaan niya lang siyang gawin ito.

Jeonghan let out a deep sigh, na para bang kanina pa siya nagpipigil ng hininga. Narinig na lang ni Wonwoo na may kumalakuskos na plastic at maya-maya ay may Monster drink na sa harapan niya.

Tinignan niya si Jeonghan para magtanong, pero naunahan na siya nito sumagot. “Baka kasi ‘di ka na talaga nagyoyosi.”

Napakagat si Wonwoo sa labi niya, pinipigilan ang paparating na naman na mga luha. 

It’s not about Jeonghan knowing or trusting him na nag-quit na talaga siya, though it means a lot to him.

It’s more about Jeonghan remembering what drink to buy sa dami-dami ng mga inumin sa convenience store. Because it just means that Jeonghan never forgets, and it’s starting to hurt Wonwoo more.

Kinuha niya ang lata, pero nanatili lang ang hawak niya roon. Pinanood niya na maglapat ng yosi si Jeonghan sa labi niya. Nagtaas ito ng kilay sa kanya, nagtatanong kung ayos lang ba, at tumango naman si Wonwoo, kaya sinindihan na ni Jeonghan ito.

Napalunok si Wonwoo.

It also hurts him to learn that Jeonghan still hasn’t quitted at all. Probably he didn’t even try to. 

Ibig sabihin, he’s still on his fucking loop of a stress hole. 

Bumuga si Jeonghan ng usok at kahit sa peripheral vision, nakita pa rin ni Wonwoo ang pag-iwas niya ng mukha para hindi sa kanya tumapat ito. Napakuyom siya ng kamao at nagpigil ang nagbabadya na naman na mga luha.

“Musta?” panimula ni Jeonghan at halos maihagis na ni Wonwoo ang nakakuyom niyang kamao sa kanya kasi ang kapal naman ng mukha niyang magtanong.

Napainom na lang tuloy siya sa hawak niyang drink from Jeonghan bago siya sumagot. “Ayos lang.” 

Jeonghan let out a short laugh, na para bang aware siyang walang kwenta ang tanong niya kaya ganyan lang din ang isasagot niya. 

They shared a strip of silence after that awkward exchange of conversation. Although they know naman na they have missed each other’s presence, it just wasn’t easy to act upon that feeling. Wonwoo didn’t know what Jeonghan had gone through, pero for him, he was hurt as hell when he was left alone without any prior notice.

“Nag-quit ako sa work.”

Mabilis pa sa alas-siyete na napabaling ng tingin si Wonwoo kay Jeonghan, na sa ngayon ay diretso lang ang mga mata sa daan. Wonwoo wasn’t sure if he had heard him right, but with this deafening environment they are in, at this hushed dawn time, sigurado namang tama ang mga narinig niya.

Tumango si Jeonghan, hindi pa rin siya tinitignan. “Oo, nag-quit na ako,” ulit niya na para bang alam niyang hindi makapaniwala si Wonwoo.

“Wow.” Wonwoo swallowed down the lump on his throat, shoving the rising uneasiness he’s feeling. “Kailan pa?”

Finally, Jeonghan looked at his way, and it almost broke Wonwoo’s heart seeing his eyes full of anguish for some reason. “Simula nu’ng ‘di na kita narereplyan.”

Napaawang ang mga labi ni Wonwoo.

Tangina , ganoon katagal? Magmula nang naghintay siya at umasa na babalik siya? Magmula nang gumawa siya sa isip niya nang kung anu-anong dahilan, na baka busy lang siya sa work o kung anuman, e, ayon pala, wala naman na siya roon.

Parang lalo umiikot ang sikmura niya kasabay ng unti-unting pagtagos ng saloobin na para siyang pinaglaruan ni Jeonghan.

Ang unfair.

Alam naman pala niyang nagtetext siya nang walang katapusan tapos hindi niya man lang pinagkaabalahan ng oras. Sa tagal niyang nag-rreach out sa kanya, imposible namang hindi niya kakayanin na mag-reply. 

Siya itong tila makarelate na sa “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved” ng The Script dahil umaasa pa rin siya na babalik siya sa lugar nila, pero siya pala, nakalaya na sa nagpupumigil sa kasiyahan niya.

Pero ayon na nga, e, nakalaya na ba talaga siya?

E, bakit parang puno pa rin ng kalungkutan ang mga mata niya?

So, Wonwoo once again swallowed down, not only the forming lump, but also the pride and anger that had been building up once again. “Anong nangyari?” tanong niya, rinig na ang nginig sa boses.

As if their actions are still in sync, nagsimula na ring manginig ang labi ni Jeonghan kahit na sinusubukan niyang ngumiti. And it’s so paradoxical for Wonwoo once again kasi dapat galit siya, e. Dapat naiinis siya. Pero hindi niya magawa kasi Jeonghan barely showed his vulnerable side, pero tonight, this is probably the most vulnerable state he has seen of him. He wasn’t crying, but he looked so transparent that Wonwoo could clearly see how much despair was painted on his face.

Jeonghan sighed, “ang haba ng proseso. Ayaw akong paalisin.” Yumuko siya pagkatapos, probably because he wasn’t confident enough in breaking his strong facade. “Pagod na pagod ako.”

Wonwoo inhaled sharply, finding it hard to breathe in ease. Parang sumisikip ang dibdib niya sa mga nalalaman niya. 

“Pero pinilit ko. Pinilit ko, Wonwoo,” nakangiting sabi ni Jeonghan, sounding like he was convincing Wonwoo to be proud of him. Pero hindi alam ni Wonwoo kung ano ba dapat niyang maramdaman. Gusto na lang din niya maiyak.

“And you got out, right?”

Jeonghan nodded eagerly, at hindi maintindihan ni Wonwoo kung bakit parang may pinapatunayan siya. Si Wonwoo lang naman ‘to, e. Wala naman siyang dapat patunayan sa kanya.

“E, bakit ang lungkot-lungkot mo pa rin tignan?”

“Wonwooㅡ”

“Kung nakaalis ka rin pala, bakit ‘di mo man lang ako pinuntahan dito? Bakit ‘di ka man lang nagreply ni isang beses? Jeonghan, bakit?” Pinunasan ni Wonwoo ang pisngi niya, pero hindi niya siya binigyan ng oras para magsalita. “Ang tagal ko naghintay, Jeonghan. Halos ilang buwan ako rito, ni isang beses, ‘di mo ba ako naisip? Gano’n na lang ba lahat sa’yo?”

“Bumalik ako.”

Umiling si Wonwoo, isa hanggang sa paulit-ulit dahil hindi siya makapaniwala. Ayaw niyang maniwala kasi kung totoo ‘yan, sana nakita niya, pero hindi.

“Bumalik ako, pero may kasama ka ng iba.” He puffed out a smoke again. “Ayoko namang guluhin kayo.”

Wonwoo snickered in annoyance. “Gano’n na lang ‘yun?”

It was Jeonghan’s turn to shake his head. “Hindi mo kasi naiintindihan, not that I wanted you to understand. It’s just— god —sorry. Pero Wonwoo, nag-quit ako sa work ko,” Jeonghan said firmly, trying to repeatedly let that fact sink in deep on Wonwoo. “After years of being so soulless, I spent days still thinking na I was supposed to feel the same kasi nasanay ako. Everything was not fucking easy.”

Gustong magsalita ni Wonwoo, gusto niyang magmura, pero parang unti-unting nasasampal sa kanya ang katotohanan na wala naman nga siyang karapatan na mag-demand. Wala naman siyang karapatan na pilitin si Jeonghan na mag-stay sa lugar na ‘to.

Wala namang sila. There was never an us , ika nga ni Sarah G.

Pero valid naman siguro ang maghintay, ‘di ba? Valid naman na umasa kasi tangina, ano palang meaning ng nga halikan nila? Ng mga hawak ni Jeonghan sa kanya na tila ayaw na niyang bitawan ito noon? Ano palang ibig sabihin ng pinagsamahan nilang dalawa?

Wala.

At alam naman ni Wonwoo ‘yon. 

Pero umasa pa rin siya na baka meron. At siguro nga, kasalanan naman niya kung bakit siya nasaktan nang ganito.

But Jeonghan knows he’s at fault, too. 

Wonwoo watched him puff out a smoke again, harsher than he ever did before. Just by observing him, Wonwoo could feel the extreme frustration he’s feeling, kaya naman itinikom niya na lang bibig niya at hinayaan si Jeonghan na magsalita.

“I’m not even trying to make an excuse, pwede ka namang magalit sa akinㅡeverything was just so overwhelming back then. Hanggang ngayon, iniisip ko lang kung tama ba ‘yung desisyon ko na umalis sa putanginang kumpanya na ‘yun. Iniisip ko kung deserve ko ba magpahinga. Araw-araw ako nag-sself doubt, para na akong tangang ‘di nauubusan ng problema na parang sarili ko lang din naman ang gumagawa.”

Nalasahan na naman ni Wonwoo ang alat sa bibig niya.

“Pero Wonwoo, kahit na ganoon, hindi ko naman ginustong hindi ka siputin ka nu'ng tinatadtad mo ako ng texts. Hindi ko lang talaga kaya mag-show up, even sa sarili ko,” may pahabol na piyok sa dulo nang bigkasin iyon ni Jeonghan, pilit pa rin na nilalabanan ang pag-iyak.

“But I waited…” mahinang saad ni Wonwoo, trying to suppress the dripping pain in his tone, but visibly failed. Gusto niyang maging malinaw ang lahat, pero he didn’t expect the pain that comes within.

Jeonghan moved his fingers to shake the ashen part of the stick. “Bumalik naman nga ako.”

Lalong humigpit ang hawak ni Wonwoo sa lata. “Sana nilapitan mo ako.”

“Ang hirap, Wonwoo,” Jeonghan gave him a small smile that barely reached his eyes. “Kasi mukhang ayos ka naman na sa kasama mo. Baka hindi mo na ako kailangan.”

Wonwoo bit his lips to stop himself from saying, he always didㅡalways needed him.

But Jeonghan was partly right, kasi the longer he realized na Jeonghan won’t come back, the longer he barely ached for his presence.

And maybe all he really needed was answers to soothe him, to put a stop on his pining heart.

Jeonghan was a special person for him before, but that’s all he ever was to him now. A special person once in his life.

But despite that, Wonwoo is just an ever loving person, a person who shows so much care for others. A person who despite collecting too much pride and resentment, still finds himself to understand and empathize.

And so he swallowed once again, much deeper this time, and waited for Jeonghan to continue.

Kasi kahit na yosi break buddies lang sila, kahit na they don’t owe each other anything at all, kahit na nasaktan siya nang sobra kakahintay, a flash of raw conversations hit him to remind him the state Jeonghan was in before. Na he wasn’t in the best state, na all he wanted was to get out, and when he finally did, it doesn’t instantly mean na he’s doing fine.

There were just so many things to ponder and so many things to set aside.

Wonwoo assessed in his mind what matters the most right now.

At isa lang naman ang tamang sagot — hindi ang makapaglabas ng sama ng loob, hindi ang makapagbuhos ng hinanakit, pero ang malaman ang kalagayan ni Jeonghan sa mga panahon na ‘yon.

“Baka nga tama ka,” panimula ni Wonwoo nang mapagtanto niyang hinihintay lang din siya ni Jeonghan na magsalita. “Pero it still would mean a lot if you have spared me a single proof of life.”

“I’m sorry… but nandito na ako, oh. Buhay pa rin.” Nakuha pang matawa ni Jeonghan kaya hindi na rin napigilan ni Wonwoo na mapangiti nang kaunti. 

“Are you okay?”

Napahithit ulit si Jeonghan sa yosi niya, probably not expecting that question, and it just proved Wonwoo right. Kung paanong hanggang ngayon ay tila hindi pa rin siya nagiginhawaan. And he thought it would’ve been better if Jeonghan had left him while fleeing happily, kaysa ‘yung ganito na parang mas lalo lang siyang pinagsakluban ng mundo.

Jeonghan’s voice croaked when he started to speak. “Hindi… hindi ko alam.”

And with all his might, Wonwoo just decided to let go of all the rationalities of being angry at him. It all didn’t matter now. Jeonghan needed him, and he wasn’t there. And he still needed him now, despite how Wonwoo didn’t need him anymore, but he wanted to be here. Wanted to be there for him.

Kaya hinawakan niya ang kamay ni Jeonghan, pinisil ito, at iniwan na ang lahat ng galit sa nakaraan. Binalot niya ang mga braso niya sa kanya, pinapalupot siya sa isang mahigpit na yakap. He visibly saw how his shoulders sagged against the tight hug, na para bang lahat ng tensyon sa katawan niya ay unti-unti nang nawala, na para bang eto lang naman talaga ang kailangan niya mula pa noon.

“Proud ako sa’yo,” bigkas ni Wonwoo habang sinusuklay niya ang buhok ni Jeonghan gamit ang mga daliri niya.

Jeonghan leaned on his shoulder, settling in there and letting go of his worries and perturbation aside after years of agonizing. “I did it. Fuck , I did it.”

Wonwoo nodded, finally feeling the pride seep in. “You did it,” he repeated. “Ang galing mo. You’re so strong, so brave. You did so well.”

Inangat ni Jeonghan ang ulo niya para tignan siya. Throughout the night, Wonwoo saw how his eyes were clouded with nothing but gloominess, but right now, a glow of joy was lit within. At kahit sa maliit na bagay lang na ‘yon, parang may kung anong kasiyahan na rin na namuo sa loob ni Wonwoo.

Kumawala na si Jeonghan sa yakap, pero ramdam pa rin ni Wonwoo ang init na naiwan mula rito. Tinapakan na niya ang sarili niyang yosi at naglabas na naman ng isang malalim na hininga. After seconds of staring at the nothingness and after the other waited patiently for him to calm down, he finally glanced at Wonwoo and smiled at him.

“Wala bang magseselos niyan? Okay lang sa jowa mo na nandito ka?”

Napakunot naman ang noo ni Wonwoo. “Walang magseselos. Wala naman akong jowa…” He suddenly paused and squinted his eyes, suddenly thinking of something. “Baka ikaw ang meron?”

Napahalakhak na lang si Jeonghan, now his eyes actually crinkling, and Wonwoo did miss seeing that. “Lalo namang wala.”

They spent another minute savoring the silence, but now it was more comfortable kumpara sa kanina na halos masakal sila. Jeonghan was enjoying this after times of being stuck in a state of hearing loud noises of doubts, but Wonwoo was trying to navigate the right words to say to him now.

“Do you have plans ba niyan? You should rest muna, just until you feel one hundred percent confident and at ease,” Wonwoo said softly.

Napanguso si Jeonghan at napatango-tango in agreement. “I probably will muna nga.” He cleared his throat. “Ikaw lang naman talaga ang hinihintay ko.”

Hindi na sinubukan ni Wonwoo na magsalita, pinanood niya na lang si Jeonghan na tumitig sa kanya.

“It had only felt right when you said how proud you are right now.”

Wonwoo could only watched him in fondness, wala na kasi talaga siyang masabi. He didn’t want to carry the guilt because he knew that was not Jeonghan’s intention, pero masakit lang din siguro, na he was all Jeonghan ever had until right now. 

But at the very least, he knew it would be the start for him to slowly walk away from the intersecting dot meeting their separate lines.

“I’m sorry, Wonwoo. I would never intentionally leave you alone. I would never purposefully hurt you. If things were just in a different circumstance, hindi ko naman hahayaang gawin ‘yun.”

Pinisil ulit ni Wonwoo ang kamay niya. “It’s okay, Jeonghan. I understand.” He does. And something in his heart is starting to grow because despite everything, he always will, understand him that is.

Nanatili ulit sila sa katahimikan, magkahawak ang mga kamay at ninanamnam ang kapaligiran. Compared to a while ago, both of them were put into ease now. Lahat ng binibitbit nila, nabitawan na nila. Ang sama ng loob ni Wonwoo? Wala na . Ang mga alanganin ni Jeonghan? Nabura na.

Perhaps why they both clicked in an instant before, because it was just too easy being around each other. Because they understand each other so much, they could communicate their sorrows easily and take it in as if they know the world is just too heavily cruel on them.

“Gusto mo ba ‘yung lalaking kasama mo dito no’n?”

Tila nakarinig tuloy si Wonwoo ng record scratch at nahinto bigla ang mga thoughts niya.

Napapilig tuloy siya ng ulo, at saka natawa at the suddenness of the question kasi nagmumuni-muni lang sila tapos biglang ganyan. But what could he expect with Jeonghan? Everything is unpredictable when it comes to him.

“No… I don’t know,” Wonwoo answered honestly, also with uncertainty. “He’s nice… pero I don’t see him that way for now.”

Jeonghan hummed in acknowledgement. “Pero gusto ka niya, ‘no?”

This time, Wonwoo’s brows were furrowed in confusion kasi bakit ang dami namang alam nito? Ang dami-dami na niyang pinagdaanan, pero no one would have ever predicted na ganyan siya kachismoso.

And Wonwoo enjoyed him like that.

He initially responsed with a shrug, followed by, “‘Di ko rin alam. We don’t talk about it. I do feel it, though, his feelings. He just doesn’t like taking an extra step kasi he likes being just friends.”

“Cute niyo kaya.”

“Para kang tunog-martir naman diyan,” natatawang sambit ni Wonwoo.

Nilapit ni Jeonghan nang kaunti ang mukha niya kay Wonwoo, not too close to freak the other one. “E, what if nasasaktan nga ako?”

“As if,” pailing-iling na sagot nito. 

Jeonghan pulled away and chuckled. He looked down to pull and light another cigarette, and by instinct, pipigilan na sana siya ni Wonwoo, pero kinuyom na lang niya ang palad niya. He couldn’t do that anymore. 

Nilapit ni Jeonghan ang box ng yosi sa kanya. “Gusto mo?” Umiling lang si Wonwoo. “Talagang nag-quit ka na, ah? Nice, galing.”

Tumango si Wonwoo because he himself was actually proud of his own achievement. Akala niya pa nga, e, mapapabalik siya sa pagyoyosi simula nu’ng hinihintay niya si Jeonghan, but thankfully, mas malakas ang self-control niya. Despite the many excruciating times of staying with Minghao, hindi talaga siya natempt at all.

He’s finally free… from the chains of cigarettes.

Umilaw bigla ang phone niya, prompting him to check the message he just received. It wasn’t surprising when he saw na it was from Minghao, asking him if pupunta pa ba siya sa bahay niya o hindi na.

He replied with a short “yes” because he needed to spill everything that had occurred tonight. Because everything was so overwhelming that he couldn’t keep this to himself.

Tumayo na siya para magpaalam. Naalarma naman si Jeonghan because he wasn’t expecting him to leave so early, hindi pa nga nauupos ang bagong yosi na nagpapahinga sa pagitan ng mga daliri niya.

Napatayo na rin tuloy si Jeonghan. “Alis ka na?”

Wonwoo bit his lips, a bit hesitant, but still nodded. 

Hinawakan ni Jeonghan ang kamay niya, pressing it lightly. “I’m sorry, Wonwoo. I really didn’t mean to leave you before.”

“Ayos lang nga,” Wonwoo assured, a soft smile drawn on his face.

“Mamimiss kita,” mahinang saad ni Jeonghan na halos bulong na ang naging dating nito.

A sharp inhale was heard from Wonwoo, feeling his lungs constricting again. “Pwede mo naman akong i-message… if need mo talaga,” he replied, his voice small too, losing all his strength.

Jeonghan merely nodded and smiled, urging him to go. Wonwoo found it hard first to leave him. He felt bad having to do so, but it’s not like he’s abandoning him. This is them parting ways, leaving all their ties in this very forsaken smoking area.

Dahan-dahan siyang naglakad palayo at sinubukan niyang hindi lumingon patalikod. Huminga siya nang malalim at sinubukang alisin ang imahe niya sa utak niya.

Pero hindi niya napigilan at humarap siya ulit kay Jeonghan. The latter’s chest was heaving rapidly, and his eyes were gleaming, but not in joy. It was more of anticipation. Jeonghan stood there as if he’s waiting for Wonwoo to do something. To change something.

But all Wonwoo ever did was say, “Jeonghan, I really liked you. Before.”

Wonwoo’s eyes were glued on Jeonghan’s face, watching his expression shift multiple times, kaya hindi na niya nakita kung paano napapisil ito nang mahigpit sa yosi niya at kung paano siya napaso, pero parang namamanhid lang din siya lalo.

“I don’t know, I just feel like I should say it,” Wonwoo laughed, kahit na he himself was shaking from the abrupt confession. “Ayun lang, I’m rooting for you always.”

Jeonghan slowly nodded, at dahan-dahan niya rin kinolekta ang sarili niya. “I did, too.” Napakagat ng labi si Wonwoo. “Liked you.”

Natawa ulit si Wonwoo at how ludicrous their situation was, all feelings pent up for that long amount of time. Such a Wonwoo and Jeonghan brand, honestly. They like waiting—yearning.

Ngumiti si Jeonghan sa kanya, so Wonwoo took that as a sign to start moving forward, finally leaving everything that he has associated with this place. This smoking area will be nothing, but merely just a smoking area for him. And it felt so much better, especially how he had already blurted out everything to Jeonghan.

He felt so fully clean.

He didn’t need the whiff of cigarette anymore to calm him down. He didn’t need to go here to clear his mind. He didn’t have to ponder every other night kung bakit ba talaga siya iniwan ni Jeonghan. He didn’t have to worry at all anymore.

Everything was in place. Everything was clear enough. Everything was where he wanted it to be.

Sumaludo si Jeonghan sa kanya, ala-”John Lloyd Cruz” sa Biogesic commercial style. Ngumiti si Wonwoo at ginaya ito pabalik. For the last time, he saw Jeonghan’s genuine smile. The wide one, the one that doesn’t look like his default smirk because he has that maangas aura. It’s the one shown whenever he’s happy, whenever he’s with Wonwoo.

Nagsimula nang maglakad si Wonwoo papalayo, and this time he didn’t look back anymore. His mind was finally fixated on whatever’s ahead of him. And whatever this was was just yet another chapter.

But it wasn’t the same for Jeonghan.

For Jeonghan na hanggang ngayon, ay nakatayo, pinapanood siyang maglakad. Si Jeonghan na mahigpit pa rin ang kapit sa yosi niyang durog na. Si Jeonghan na matibay ang imahe sa mata ni Wonwoo, pero tuloy-tuloy ang daloy ng luha mula sa mga mata niya ngayon.

Tila chinachannel na niya ang inner Kitchie Nadal niya because why is he the only one, standing, stranded on the same ground?

Simula noong nabuo ang yosi break sessions nila ni Wonwoo, all Jeonghan ever thought was how his once dull, monotone life was splashed some colors in it with how bright it has come to become through the existence of Wonwoo. And it’s so surprising kasi he really did consider fighting to get his way out. He finally has a reason to leave, and a reason to live.

Simula noong nalasahan na niya ang labi ni Wonwoo, it made him realize how there are so many flavors of joy in this world na hindi lang nalalasap sa stick ng sigarilyo. It can also come in the form of his soft, plump lips. And it did get more addicting. And it made him want to have so many time with him. Ayaw na niya ng putanginang break lang, gusto na niya ng pangmatagalan.

But it wasn’t easy, not with his inhumane setup of being stuck in the company who jailed him in the demonic corporate life.

Pero ayaw na ni Jeonghan ‘yun. Gusto na niya ng lasap ng buhay. 

So, he started arranging his papers and began to practice his perfect dialogue that would have made the managers and boards understand his decision.

And yet, it wasn’t perfect enough.

They fed him with flooding bribes just to let him stay, but Jeonghan was too tired to play the games. All that money in exchange for what? His time? His life? His soul? Hindi na niya kaya ‘yun.

Hindi na niya gusto ‘yun.

He focused on fighting for it, reiterating his rights to them. It was a long, hellish process. But he made it. They got too tired to figure out that they had to let him go, an burnt out employee who they thought was loyal enough to stay.

Pero noong nakapagresign na siya, parang hindi na niya alam ang direksyon ng buhay niya.

It was supposed to be for freedom, but his nights that were supposed to be a time to sleep were taken up by his thoughts na dapat sana ay nagtatrabaho na siya ngayon. All he kept on thinking was… would he ever find a source of food that won’t ever take his soul up? Was this even the right decision?

And he didn’t know the answer, but maybe Wonwoo did. 

Wonwoo who he thought would stick around, and also at the same time, whom he thought would leave.

He did stick around, though, but he was laughing when Jeonghan stepped into the area. At hindi siya ang dahilan noon.

He was laughing with someone, and they weren’t even smoking. They were staying in that smoking area just because they found that convenient, and not because one of them had to escape from a brutal job. It made Jeonghan feel pathetic.

Hindi ako ang kailangan niya , he thinks. I was needed for a passing moment only.

And for some reason, it made him slump more. He found it harder to get out of his bed. Natatawa na nga lang din siya kasi ano ba ‘yang attachment issues niya? Parang ilang buwan lang naman sila nag-uusap at nagpapalitan ng laway, tapos ganyan na siya magmukmok?

But can someone blame him? For once in his life, Jeonghan has felt like someone could understand him. Until wala na ulit. Until he has to wallow onto his thoughts again.

He knew, however, that he couldn’t go on with his life forever like this. 

Kaya naman biglaan na lang ng isang araw ay gumalaw ang malikot niyang kamay at tinext ang number ni Wonwoo, and he wasn’t even sure if he was keeping the same one.

But there was something within him that was lit when he received a reply saying, “Ok” .

It was a heavy night for him, so many confrontations he was not used to dealing with. Pero si Wonwoo ‘yan, e. Kahit ano naman, kakayanin niyang harapin para sa kanya.

What he didn’t expect, though, was how he admitted na he liked him. He wouldn’t have expected that. He would’ve held on to that.

Only if Wonwoo didn’t look so relieved saying that out loud, like it was a huge burden he needed to let go para makalimot.

Because when he responded saying na he did, too, it was all a lie.

It was not a past tense, but it still is an ongoing process. He is still liking him. And he doesn’t think he could ever get out.

Sometimes, he wished he was brave enough to reply noon to Wonwoo’s bombarding messages, maybe it would’ve turned things around. O kaya sana lumapit na lang siya, baka tatanggapin pa rin naman siya ni Wonwoo nang buo.

Pero aanhin niya naman ‘yun kung kuntento naman na si Wonwoo ngayon, e, ‘yun lang naman ang mahalaga.

Maybe instead of mourning, it was his time to finally find a way to delve into the realm of contentment. Siguro dapat nga ay isipin na niya ang sarili niya sa ngayon, take advantage of the freedom he fought for.

Kasi wasn’t that the reason for his severe smoking? To relieve his stress? 

Maybe he could work on that.

But it doesn’t have to happen overnight.

So yet again, he grabbed his third piece of cigarette and placed it on his lips. He inhaled the taste of nicotine, trying to feel better, but it only felt somewhat worse. 

Baka karma niya lang ito. Baka turn naman niya ang mapag-iwanan.

He doesn’t know, but all he knows is it pains him so much that his vision gets blurry again, and he doesn’t attempt to wipe the tears, either. He lets them fall.

Baka bukas, magiging okay na din ang lahat.

Kasi si Wonwoo, okay na siya, baka sa susunod, siya na rin. 

And he’s happy that Wonwoo was finally taking a step.

But he could never do the same, at least not now.

He still couldn’t step his feet away from this place. He still couldn’t erase Wonwoo’s existence in his mind, like it was the easiest thing to do, anyway. Hindi niya pa kayang kumalma nang walang sigarilyo sa bibig niya. Hindi niya pa kayang baguhin lahat.

Jeonghan dropped the piece of cigarette once he had finished savoring it on the cement floor and stepped on it, completely hitting the fire off.

And yet tomorrow is another day to smoke.