Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Everything should be perfect.

Gon cringed at the words forming in his mind. Words that were only reminding him of the constant pain and anguish that he has to endure. His heart rate increased significantly and each time it pounded in his chest, it felt as if it was nearly leaping out of his skin, desperately trying to find a way out of his body.

Everything should be perfect!

Gon squeezed his hands into fists, practically cutting off the blood circulation in his fingers.

But if everything should be perfect…then why do I feel so..down?

Intense confusion seemed to take over in his mind.

It seemed as if he had it all.

He accomplished so much before he even became a teenager. He even met Ging for crying out loud! Someone that he’d struggled so much to find. He squeezed his eyes shut as tears threatened to fall.

Deep breaths
Deep breaths..

He had his hunter license( which he managed to score at the age of 12), Amazing friends that he met during the hunter exam, and he even managed to travel the world all while defeating numerous enemies who proved to be very strong. Those bad guys may have been tough but Gon didn’t mind because every time he fought it gave him a rush. He loved fighting for the greater good, even if it meant that he’d be left all bruised and bloodied. However, sometimes the pain wouldn’t just be physical. Poor mental health is also pretty inescapable as a hunter. With all the bloody battles and suffering that he’s had to go through, It’s not hard to believe that at 14, he began to notice a rapid decline in his mental state.

How does Killua do it?

His lips began to quiver as he thought of his best friend.

Killua.

His white haired comrade had been through it all. From the intense abuse in his household that was supposed to be a part of his training, to being forced into the family business as an assassin, all while having to deal with some of his family members giving him the cold shoulder for releasing his dear sibling Alluka from the trenches of the Zoldyck mansion.

Desperately trying to swallow the lump in his throat, Gon suddenly felt an immense amount of guilt.

I can’t believe I’m being a big baby when Killua has it so much worse.

Gon’s arms suddenly felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds. He just couldn’t bring himself to wipe the tears away. In comparison, He was probably way more privileged than his best friend will ever be. Despite the fact that Ging wasn’t around for his son the way that Silva was for Killua, Gon was aware that he was still loved way more by the people in his household. Aunt Mito and his great-grandmother were always there for him no matter what. Once he got his hunter license, he secretly swore that he would protect both of them forever and that if someone wanted to harm them, they’d have to go through him first. Aunt Mito may not be his biological mother, but she’ll always be his mom no matter what.

Whenever Gon would get frightened by a thunderstorm as a small child, Aunt Mito would always allow him to sleep in her bed, stroking his hair as he fell asleep. He smiled weakly at the thought, suddenly feeling immensely grateful that he was visiting home at the moment. 

Poor Killua. I bet he’s never had anyone comfort him whenever he was afraid.

True, his family did love him, but the Zoldyck family isn't touchy-feely or known to coddle their children at all. If any of the Zoldyck children got hurt, they were told to “walk it off” or to “just deal with it”. It was rare that they gave each other hugs or showed any sort of affection at all( which was also a part of their training).  The only family member that Killua has ever been openly affectionate with was Alluka, and even that was frowned upon( and not just because Alluka wasn’t considered a family member). Assassin’s aren’t supposed to be soft and emotional. They’re supposed to be cold and ruthless. So naturally, it took Killua a long time to get used to the soft nature of his best friend who was so used to being so affectionate. 

Gon smiled at the thought of Killua and decided to whip out his beetle shaped cell phone to shoot him a text. 

I can’t wait until our next adventure :)  

Gon stared at his phone for a couple of minutes after he sent it and slowly placed it face down beside him on his bed when he didn’t get a reply right away.

He’s probably busy

Sighing, he crawled under his blankets and curled into a fetal position. If only he could shake this feeling. This nagging feeling that everything was all of his fault. If it wasn’t for him, his father’s dear friend would’ve never died in such a horrific way. If it wasn’t for him…Kite would still be here. 

“Kite..” He whispered into the darkness. Saying his name aloud was enough to trigger a cascade of negative emotions and Gon didn’t even seem to notice when a very intense, depressing aura surrounded his limp form. 

His tears were unstoppable now.

“ I was supposed to save you, but I couldn’t.” He sulked. Gon made a feeble attempt to wipe his tears away as if that was supposed to stop them. But the waterworks kept coming. Which annoyed the hell out of him. He was tired of crying. He needed to calm down. Sitting upwards, Gon tore off his blankets and pulled his legs into a criss-cross position and placed his hands on his knees, shutting his eyes as he attempted to control his breathing.

Breathe in

Breathe out

Calm down Gon…

The negative aura surrounding his form finally began to cease after what seemed like forever. Even after his negative aura went away, Gon continued to meditate for at least 5 more minutes to further ensure that he would be able to get some rest tonight. The more relaxed he was at bedtime, the better. 

Opening his eyes, he couldn’t help but notice the stark contrast in his emotions. Gon felt happier and the suffocating feeling in his chest was finally gone. Uncrossing his legs, he slowly laid down flat on his back and pulled the blankets back up to his chest. He tried his very best to push his negative thoughts to the back of his mind, for he was very exhausted and finally wanted to get some rest. 

When he still couldn’t fall asleep, he did what he always did. 

Count sheep. 

With ease, he began to create cute little nen sheep. They hopped over his bed one by one, very slowly and gracefully. The sheep were absolutely stunning . They had thick fluffy coats that had a wonderful sheen, and a golden aura illuminating around their form. The best part is that when they leaped over his bed, they left golden glitter behind. Up until he was 13, he always had to imagine the sheep, but now that he was good at nen, he decided to create some realistic looking sheep to help him sleep. Gon didn’t resort to counting sheep every night. He only did it when he was desperate. And right now, he was desperate to not let his negative emotions get the best of him again like he always does.

The thing about Gon is once he feels a certain way it’s hard for him to control himself. It took years before he finally started to use meditation and even now, he still can’t meditate unless he’s completely focused on calming himself down. So that means, even if he’s been swallowed up by his intense emotions he just can’t meditate. He has to have at least some willpower to pull himself together and as much as Gon didn’t want to admit it, his meditation rarely worked. 

He just got lucky this time. 

Gon smiled to himself and turned on his side to get more comfortable as the sheep kept hopping over his bed, one by one. A couple minutes later, his breathing began to slow down and his heartbeat was finally beginning to relax as well.

Before long, he was whisked away into dreamland without a warning. 

Chapter Text

Gon felt as if he was superglued to the floor.

Where was he?

He shivered ever so slightly as he began to take in his surroundings, his eyes widening as he slowly started to recognize where he was. It was the same room that Morel and his gang brought Kite after retrieving him from the Chimera ants.

Gon inhaled sharply when he heard a noise stirring in the background. Putting his hands on the floor by his sides, he made a feeble attempt to get up but for some reason he wasn’t strong enough. He perked up ever so slightly when he began to hear footsteps heading in his direction. Trying to remain calm felt nearly impossible because the room was dimly lit and the hallway leading out of the room was pitch black so he could barely see a thing.

“W-Who’s there?” He questioned. It was a lame attempt to sound brave but instead his words came out quiet and apprehensive.

No response.

Almost immediately, someone emerged from the darkness, exposing themselves. His jaw dropped at the sight of his late friend.
“Kite!!!” He shouted with glee.

Gon quickly shot up like an arrow without even thinking. It was as if God himself granted the 14 year-old boy with the ability to get up from the cold, hard floor. Gon stretched his arms out as he ran at full speed to greet his long lost friend. He practically threw himself at the man, immediately breaking down into a crying mess. “Kite I’m so so so sorry! It was all my fault you were captured!” Kite’s body was limp as Gon shoved his face into Kite’s chest and held on tight. “Please forgive me..” He pleaded quietly. Gon didn’t want to let go but his nose started to get runny and he pulled away ever so slightly to wipe his face with the back of his arm. Slowly looking up at Kite, he managed to get a good look at him for the first time since Pitou captured him.

Gon suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to vomit. “What…what happened to you?” He asked with a horrified expression on his face. Kite was covered head to toe in several large scars that stretched across his body and his eyes were twitching in an odd way, making Gon feel uneasy. He was also filthy, shirtless, and his pants looked tattered and covered in mold. One whiff of his scent was almost enough to make Gon double over and empty out the contents of his stomach right then and there but instead he swallowed the bile that was threatening to arise from his throat.

The young boy didn’t have time to react as Kite’s fist made contact with his jaw, sending him flying backwards.

“AH!” Gon cried out in agony, spitting out blood as his back hit the hard stony wall. He slid down the wall and winced when the back of his legs made contact with the cold floor once again. Gon mustered the courage to stand and slowly approach Kite once more, one hand gingerly rubbing his jaw as he looked at him in complete and utter disbelief. Before he had a chance to do anything else, Kite used that opportunity to continuously punch him again and again. And Gon allowed him to.

Why?

Because he deserved it.

Kite wouldn’t be in this state if it wasn’t for him. Kite wouldn’t be in Pitou’s control if it wasn’t for him. Gon fell to his knees with Kite’s last punch and started throwing up blood. He started crying even harder as he curled up into a fetal position as Kite continued his assault on Gon’s small body

Kite would be happy if it wasn’t for him….

“ Why did you let her hurt me Gon??” Kite cried out. The young boy became a blubbering mess as he uttered out his reply, “I-I didn’t mean to!” he whimpered. The slender man picked Gon up by his white tank top,“ It’s all your fault!!” He screamed as he shook the child. Gon wiggled around in the air, desperately trying to get free. 

“ It’s your fault that I’m dead!”

Gon shot straight up in a panic, drowning in sweat. 

“KITE!!!” His chest heaved up and down as he started to cry uncontrollably. It was only a nightmare , he realized. This wasn’t the first time he awoke from a nightmare crying out to his late friend. In fact, it’s been happening more frequently these past couple of weeks. The nightmare always started out the same way and much to Gon’s horror it always ended the same way. 

Throwing his blankets off to the side, he swung his legs over to stand up. 

I wonder if Aunt Mito is awake, He wondered.

Gon hated to bother her late at night but right now he wanted nothing more than to be with his mom. He slowly walked over to his door and let his small hand hover over the doorknob, contemplating whether or not he should disturb her at this hour.

Taking in a deep breath, he slowly turned the doorknob and exited into the hallway. Luckily for him, Aunt Mito’s room was right across from his. Pausing in front of her door, he peered through the crack to try and see if she was awake. He could tell her lamp was on and that gave him the courage to open her door even wider. 

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Stretching his arms over his head, Ging slumped back against the tree that he was leaning against, letting out a great big yawn. He had just come back from one of his adventures and he was patiently waiting for the next boat that’ll take him to whale island. 

Last time he saw Gon, Ging swore to himself that he would finally go visit him. However, now that the day had come to go visit his son, he felt like changing his mind. Not because he didn’t love his son but simply because as much Ging Freecss didn’t want to admit it, he was a coward.

He hadn’t even seen his baby sister or grandmother for years or even visited his poor son which made him feel an overwhelming amount of shame. 

Ging knew Mito would take care of his son better than he would, so that’s why he put Gon in his sister’s care. With everything that Ging had going on, he felt as if there was no way that he could take care of him. He’s a hunter and it would’ve been ridiculously stupid and dangerous to take his son with him. Ging may not have been the ideal parental figure, but even he understood that a baby needs to be taken care of properly and loved well by the right people. They shouldn’t constantly be in the eyes of danger.  

He definitely made the right decision to leave Gon with his sister. But he made the wrong decision to completely abandon him for 13 years.  Poor kid, Ging sighed as he ran his fingers through his jet black hair. Despite the fact that he wasn’t the best father, in Ging’s weird little way, he did care for his son.

He may not have been there physically, but he believed that he was there in spirit. Ging knew that his son would become a hunter like him because from the moment that he was born, he knew Gon was special. 

That’s why he created Greed island. The video game’s purpose was to train Gon. It may have been a dangerous game but he knew that it would dramatically improve his son’s skills as a hunter. Some thought he was out of his mind for creating something so hazardous that could possibly kill his son but Ging believed in him.  Leaving behind little tricks and clues, he managed to lead Gon to all sorts of people who wound up helping him in his journey to becoming the very strong and powerful hunter that he is today. Ging chuckled at the thought of his son. 

That kid really is something huh? 

He ran his fingers through his hair one more time before putting on his head scarf. Ging wrapped his scarf around and around, until it covered his forehead. When he was finished, he stood up, taking a deep breath before throwing his backpack over his shoulder. He jumped at the sound of the boat horn in the distance. Suddenly he felt sick with anxiety.

Well….here goes nothing.

Chapter Text

The house was filled to the brim with delicious smells of Aunt Mito’s cooking. She was making a grand breakfast of pancakes, sausage, eggs, and freshly squeezed orange juice. Gon was unaware of this as he was still fast asleep in her bed. She couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he wasn’t awake to cook with her like he used to. Gon would always be up bright and early right by her side helping her concoct the most delicious breakfasts. Aunt Mito smiled to herself at the very thought of it. Oh how he would always be so excited to make the eggs or to at least help her set the table.

His great-grandmother, Abe, was the one setting the table this morning. At her old age, she was still able to get up bright and early to help out around the house or to tend to their lovely garden out back. Just like when she was young, Abe still continued to wear her big floppy straw hat whenever she was outside for lengthy periods of time as she pulled weeds or tended to the flowerbed.

Aunt Mito always insisted on helping out but Abe didn’t want to hear it. She would snap at her granddaughter in annoyance from time to time or threaten to stop gardening altogether if it meant she would be left alone. If it was one thing that woman had, it was independence. However, there was only one person she would allow to help her and one person only.

Gon.

She had quite the soft spot for her great-grandson and to this day she could never say no to him. Especially with his big puppy dog eyes and pouting lips, it was unbelievably difficult to deny him of his desires. Abe loved that boy to death and when she noticed he wasn’t up bright and early like he normally was, she just knew something was off.

“ What is taking that child so long?” Abe questioned with a hint of worry as she placed the final piece of silverware on the table. Aunt Mito pretended as if she didn’t hear and began to sit down with her grandma after she placed the food in the center. Abe raised a brow but chose to not ask anything else.

Not too long after being seated, they both gave their thanks.

Normally they’d wait for everyone to be seated but Gon was exhausted from last night’s ordeal. Aunt Mito almost choked on her food while thinking about it.

“ C-Can I sleep in here?” Aunt Mito glanced up from her book to see an unexpected visitor.

Gon was standing there by her door, sheepishly staring at the ground. She smiled and gave him a nod,” Of course you can.” She already knew why he was here and didn’t bother asking. Without saying a word, he climbed in bed with her and she shifted her body so she was facing him.

Gon avoided eye contact as she took in his appearance. He looked awful. His shirt was soaked with sweat, his eyes were puffy, and his nose was dripping with snot. It had been years since she’d seen him in such a state.  Aunt Mito wasted no time sitting up to grab a tissue from her nightstand, “ Blow.” she commanded. Gon blushed from embarrassment as he reluctantly blew into the napkin. She then allowed him to shift his head over to her lap so she could stroke his spiky hair as she sang sweet lullabies to help him sleep. 

  “ Thank you...” He sniffed.  Everything was perfect at that moment. The way she stroked his hair, her singing, and the sweet smell of the candle on her nightstand. Gon suddenly felt like he was a small child again and he loved every second of it.  No matter how old he gets, he’ll always be my little baby boy. She thought sweetly with a smile. 

Aunt Mito suddenly snapped back into the present when she heard a loud yawn from the kitchen door. Gon stood there, barely even awake with a dazed look plastered on his face, “ Good morning everyone.” he said with a yawn as he rubbed his eyes. They both replied with a very happy ‘Good morning’ as he sluggishly walked over to his chair. Plopping himself down, Gon became more aware of his surroundings as he gaped at the delicious array of food set before him. 

Wasting no time, he hurriedly stacked up his plate with everything on the table. All that crying last night sure made him hungry. In fact Gon was so hungry, he almost forgot to give thanks for his meal. Heck, he was so hungry that he didn’t even have time to properly savor anything on his plate. Mito giggled to herself as she watched him eat. Seeing people enjoy her food was one of her favorite parts about cooking. Especially when it was a beloved family member enjoying one of her meals.

It wasn’t long before Gon announced he was done and scampered away to clean his dishes, leaving his relatives behind. After putting away his dishes, he hurried up to his bedroom to shower and get dressed for the day. Even after he changed into his black tank top and green shorts, he spent an ungodly amount of time combing his hair, contemplating everything that happened last night.

His thoughts were interrupted by an ear splitting scream coming from downstairs. Gon wasted no time, slamming his comb down and racing down the steps. He made it to the living room in no time to access the situation. 

“ WHAT’S WRONG?!? WHAT-”  Gon’s breath was caught in his throat as he saw the sight before him. He couldn’t help but be In complete and utter disbelief at what he was seeing.

“ No way…” He whispered to himself.

Chapter Text

Gon couldn’t help but tear up a bit.

It was quite the challenge to compose himself as he began to walk towards his relatives, taking one small step at a time. Aunt Mito and Abe were a crying mess, very rightfully so since this was the time to be emotional. Especially for Aunt Mito. After 13 years of not seeing her older brother, he’d finally returned. “Ging…” She whispered in disbelief. Both Aunt Mito and Abe pulled him into a group hug while continuing to shed some more tears. Ging was very flustered by their reactions as this was not how he expected them to react. “What’s up?” He said awkwardly with a laugh. He looked up to see his son standing there a few feet away, wiping his tears away in embarrassment.

“ Gon..”

Gon perked up at the sound of his father calling him and looked up, “ Y-Yeah?” Ging gave him a small smile and stretched out his arm, allowing his son to join the hug as well. When they finally pulled away from each other, Aunt Mito smacked Ging across the face with a quickness, leaving a small bright red handprint on his cheek. Gon was taken aback, while Abe remained composed and completely unsurprised. Ging felt stunned as he rubbed his stinging cheek.

I deserved that…

Biting back the pain, Ging took the time to look at his younger sister, fully taking in her appearance. The last time he saw her was when she was a young teen and now she was a full grown woman. All those years that he spent running away from his past, running away from his responsibilities, running away from…Gon.

He slowly made eye contact with his son and suddenly he didn’t feel so good. Ging found a nearby chair and slid down onto it with his hand still on his cheek. It was as if a cascade of emotions had suddenly hit him like a truck. He betrayed his family and he didn’t even know if he’d ever be forgiven. It was so selfish of him to just assume they’d welcome him back with open arms after how he discarded them as if they were absolutely nothing. That’s not how he actually felt about them of course but he was aware it’d be hard for them to understand, especially his baby sister. 

 Mito was a wonderful woman who was forced to grow up so young because her brother chose to be irresponsible. After all, someone had to look after his baby. Abe, his poor grandmother, looked so much older than he last remembered and that made his heart hurt. She probably doesn’t have much time left.. He realized. She too helped raise his son.

But Gon… 

One look at his son was enough to break his heart the most. Ging knew that there was no denying that he was a horrible father. Due to his terrible parenting skills, he managed to miss out on some of Gon’s most important milestones. His first words, his first steps, Gon receiving his hunter license, and so on and so forth. Now that he was face to face with his family again, it was hard to act like everything was ok. He not only abandoned his son, he abandoned his entire family.

And for what? To go out and be a famous hunter? To have endless adventures with little to no responsibilities? 

What have I done? He thought wistfully. 

Gon reached out to touch his shoulder, shocking his father out of his train of thought. Ging slowly turned to look at his son, expecting him to be furious as well but instead he looked absolutely delighted to be in his presence. His eyes were shining bright with glee and his mouth was turned upwards into a beautiful smile. The innocence behind his eyes was what made Ging even more sad. It was like no matter what he did, his son would always welcome him with open arms. 

Gon’s naivety allowed him to continue to love his father the way that he did. He always believed that maybe if he forced his way into his father’s life, perhaps Ging would suddenly be enthralled with the idea of having a son. Deep down, Gon had always hoped that he could repair their relationship and to say he was disappointed when his father left him again not too long after they finally had some bonding time at the world tree was an understatement. It was tough having a father like Ging but he still loved him regardless.

Right when Gon opened his mouth to say something Mito cut him off, “ And exactly how long do you plan on staying this time?!” She spat, crossing her arms and eyeing him with contempt. Ging sighed, and stood up before he slowly approached his sister. Mito wanted to back away as her brother came closer and closer but she couldn’t get herself to move. Ging stopped a couple inches away and stared into her eyes for a couple of seconds before closing the gap between them, enveloping her in a warm embrace. Gon and his great grandmother watched this interaction silently with their eyes open wide with interest.

Mito almost immediately melted into his arms, feeling tears brimming in her eyes once more. She wanted to push him away but instead she reluctantly raised her arms to hug him back, “ You left us for so long..why?” She whispered as she felt a hot tear roll down her cheek. Ging opened his mouth, hesitating for a split second, “ Because…I was irresponsible.” He let her go, and held eye contact, “ I should’ve been there but I wasn’t.” Ging looked at his son, “ I should’ve been there for you too Gon.” 

Ging walked towards his son, feeling ashamed, “ You deserved better.” He said as he pulled him into a hug. Gon immediately hugged him back as he felt himself become full of joy. Rubbing his face into his father’s chest, he couldn’t resist the urge to inhale his scent. Oh how he dreamed of this moment for so long. How he yearned for many, many years to be in his father’s presence to hug him, smell him, and even hear his voice in person. Gon felt as if he was meeting his father for the first time all over again. 

It felt surreal.  

Gon giggled as he felt his father gently run his fingers through his hair. Ging couldn’t resist smiling at the sweet wonderful sound of his son’s laughter. Pulling away, Ging rested a hand on his shoulder and stared into his son’s eyes, suddenly wearing a serious look on his face, “ I’m sorry..Gon.” He looked up at Mito and Abe, sending them apologetic looks as well, “ I’m sorry that I left you guys too."

Mito opened her mouth to reply when out of the corner of her eye, she saw Gon and instantly got an idea, “ Please take your father’s things up to his room Gon.” Of course he happily complied, grabbing his father’s backpack and suitcase before scampering up the staircase with his belongings. Once Gon was out of earshot she approached Ging with a dark look on her face as she began to walk towards him. Suddenly it was clear to Ging that telling Gon to put his things away was just a ploy for Mito to get alone time with him, “ If you ever leave your son like that again-” She began, jabbing a finger at his chest.

Ging rubbed the back of his head as he cut her off, “ I know, I know I messed up but I promise I’m ready to try again.” Ging looked at her as he held his breath, waiting for her reply. She was two seconds away from cursing him out before Gon came back, breaking away the tension.

“ I put all his things away!” He announced happily.

Mito’s angry expression faltered at the sight of Gon. Collecting herself, She sighed and forced a smile before making eye contact with her brother once more. 

“ Welcome home!” 

Chapter Text

it didn’t take long for Ging to realize that something was off.

Specifically with his son. There was something about him that seemed so terribly wrong and he just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Due to the fact that they had yet to establish a real father-son relationship, Ging was still a little hesitant to ask Gon about his sudden change in attitude since he didn’t want to potentially scare him away by prying too much. Before they officially met, it had been years since he had Gon in his care and he was tired of messing things up between them.

Sitting on the couch, Ging was so deep in his thoughts that he almost didn’t hear when his sister called him over for dinner. Pushing himself up onto his feet, he made his way over to the small kitchen/dining area.

The kitchen was full of delicious smells from Mito’s cooking.

There were mashed potatoes with gravy, rolls, and roast beef which happened to be Ging’s favorite. Much to his delight, there was also some chocolate cake for dessert. He wasted no time filling up his plate with everything on the table except the cake since he was saving that for last. Taking a seat, he used his spoon to scoop up some mashed potatoes and right as he brought the spoon up to his mouth, Mito placed a hand on his shoulder.

“ We have to wait for Gon.” She explained. Ging groaned and placed his spoon down, feeling more than just a little irritated. This was the third time this week Gon had skipped dinner and she was beginning to get insanely worried. He was known to always have a big appetite and suddenly out of the blue he declares he’s not hungry. That wasn’t like him at all.

Not to mention his nightmares about Kite haven’t stopped. Night after night Mito found him standing at her doorway to her bedroom looking sweaty, startled, and ready to completely break down. It broke her heart to see him like this and she was just waiting for the day everything would go back to normal.

Despite the fact that she was aware that it was highly unlikely that Gon would join them for dinner, MIto still insisted on waiting just in case he decided to turn up. So the adults waited and waited until finally Ging couldn’t take it anymore and stormed off to his son’s room. Mito tried to stop him and attempted to convince him that he’ll come down soon but Ging wasn’t having it. Clomping up the stairs, he raced over to Gon’s bedroom and flung the door open. The lights were off and since it was pitch black, he could barely make out his son’s form from underneath his blankets. Sighing, he flipped the light switch on but stayed close to his door,

“ Gon, dinner’s ready.” 

When he got no response in return he rolled his eyes and walked over to his son’s bed, forcefully yanking off the blankets, “ We were waiting for-” Ging shut his mouth at the sight of him. Gon’s face was tearstained with a blank expression and he didn’t bother to move an inch once the blankets were torn from his body. Ging slowly sank down on the edge of his son’s bed, studying his facial expression. As his father, he realized that this was his cue to show some concern, however that was easier said than done. 

Ging didn’t have much practice showing compassion and he was pretty bad at comforting people in general. Honestly he didn’t know what to say. His words seemed to be caught in his throat but somehow he managed to force them out, “ What's…wrong?” he asked, his question sounding more awkward than concerned. 

Gon acted as if he didn’t hear him and instead pulled the blanket away from his father’s grasp before concealing himself beneath the material. Ging stood there for a moment, considering whether or not he should just carry him downstairs but decided against it. With a shrug, Ging began to make his way downstairs to eat his dinner. He wasn’t about to sit there and argue with his son on an empty stomach. 

He’s just feeling unwell, Ging figured. He’ll eat eventually.

Once he made it back to the kitchen, Mito opened her mouth to say something and he held his hand up to stop her, “ I know what you’re going to say, and I’m just letting you know he’ll eat when he’s ready.” Ging announced. Mito let out a sigh of defeat before sinking down into her chair. She wanted to fight her brother on this but she was much too hungry to do anything. Mito and Abe both placed their hands together to do the silent prayer that they normally do before eating right as Ging raised his spoon up to his mouth. Before he took a bite, he stopped to stare at them with curiosity. 

“ What are you guys doing?” He questioned, rudely interrupting them. 

Abe couldn’t help but roll her eyes, “ We’re giving our thanks for our food and I suggest you do the same.” She replied in a sharp tone. Ging raised a brow. He hadn’t done that at mealtimes since he was a child and now he wasn’t sure if he even believed  in a high power or entity. The entire concept was weird to him and he just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. 

So instead of complying he just sat there, not touching his food( or praying)  until he realized both pairs of eyes were focused on him. This elicited a groan from him and Abe immediately smacked his arm in response to his disrespect. With a sigh, he reluctantly placed both hands together and began to pray along with them. 

When they were done, Ging couldn’t help but notice a look of relief flash across their faces. Restraining himself from rolling his eyes, he decided to focus on the food. He quickly picked up his spoon and dug it into the mashed potatoes. The creamy butter went so well with the gravy and he just knew after eating everything, he’d immediately go into a food coma.

Mito’s cooking seemed to have that effect on everyone. Ging remained silent as he continued to consume his meal while Mito and Abe quietly spoke of casual topics like the weather.

However, it was difficult to truly enjoy his meal when his mind kept wandering back to Gon. 

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“ Stupid! Why won’t you pick up??” Killua huffed in frustration. It had been the 5th time he  dialed Gon’s number and every time he was met with Gon’s voicemail message which was becoming more and more annoying each time he heard it. 

“ Maybe he’s busy?” Leorio suggested with a shrug. 

Ignoring Leorio, Killua dialed Gon’s number again. He started to get excited as he heard the phone ring but his happiness was killed instantly when he heard that stupid voicemail all over again.

Hi! I’ll Get back to you whenever I can! Sending lots of love! 

Killua screamed in frustration and chucked his phone towards the wall but luckily Leorio managed to catch it, “ Hey I bought this for you and it was expensive too! Are you out of your mind?” He seethed.

Killua sighed in defeat and slid his back down against the wall before sitting on the floor cross-legged. It had been so long since he’d heard from his best friend and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. Last time he saw Gon was when he had taken him to the town where the world tree was located before running off with Alluka to see the world. 

So basically it had been months .

Suddenly the most dreadful tear jerking, heartstopping, gut wrenching thought crossed his mind.

What if he was kidnapped?

The thought was enough to get his heart racing. That would explain everything! Maybe that’s why he hadn’t been returning his calls! Gon would never go this long without contacting him unless something was wrong. 

If someone hurt him I don’t know what I’d do…

Leorio noticed his freaked out expression and placed his hand on his shoulder, “ Hey, hey what’s wrong?” Killua immediately released himself from his mental prison and quickly stood up. Leorio took a couple steps back as he watched the boy pace back and forth in an anxious manner.  “ What’s wrong?!” He asked again, feeling slightly annoyed that Killua wasn’t responding. 

Suddenly he stopped pacing and made eye contact with Leorio. His gaze was so intense, it  elicited a sharp inhale from his friend.

“ Gon better pick up at some point or we’re going to Whale Island!” Killua announced.

Leorio perked up at his sudden statement. Raising a brow, he thought about how he was in absolutely no position to travel. With how close he was to finally achieving his medical degree and with finals around the corner, this was the worst possible time for him to leave town.

 “ What do you mean we’re ?”  

Chapter Text

Gon shot straight up like an arrow, his chest violently heaving up and down with sweat beaded on his forehead.

“Kite…” he whispered solemnly into the darkness. It all felt so real. The smells, the sounds, the entirety of it all. Kite’s words echoed in Gon’s head, torturing the hell out of him, not allowing him to get back to sleep. As he shut his eyes tight, he swore he could almost feel Kite shaking him with anger just like he did in his nightmare.

“ Why did you let her hurt me Gon??”

“ It’s your fault that I’m dead!”

Kite’s words continued to echo in his head and his words were so loud in his mind that it felt as if he was there in the room with him. Gon felt the strong urge to bang his head on the wall to discard his negative thoughts but he restrained himself from doing so,“ No, no, no, no! STOP!!!” he shouted in a lame attempt to get his overbearing emotions to cease.

“Stop what?”

Gon’s eyes flew open in shock to see his father standing at the door with his arms crossed. In an instant, he felt the heat rising to his cheeks and he quickly turned his head to avoid making eye contact. Gon was perfectly fine with having Mito know about his nightmares but when it came to his father, it was the opposite. Ging was someone that he looked up to and he didn’t like the idea of looking vulnerable around him. It sort of reminded him of how they first met. Gon was a crying, blubbering mess when he met his father for the first time and to this day, he’s still humiliated by this. So much for making a good first impression, He thought wistfully. He was tired of looking so weak. Slowly turning his head to glance at his father, he searched Ging’s face in a desperate attempt to read his thoughts.

I bet he thinks I’m useless. No wonder he left me…who would want a son like me anyway?

Gon quickly turned his head again as he felt tears threatening to fall.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. He pleaded in his mind.

His father watched him silently. Feeling a bit unsure of what to say. Ging continued to stand there with his arms crossed as he mentally traveled back in time to when he was a child living on whale island. Something that he always loved was when his father would always have these late night talks with him. They would discuss just about anything and sometimes, they’d take walks together and go fishing too. Ging smiled at the memory as he envisioned him and his father sitting on the front porch just like old times, bonding together.

Maybe that’s what he needs, he decided with a smile.

“ Get up, we're going out.” Ging instructed before turning on his heel and making his way out of the room. Gon’s eyes widened as he glanced at his clock. It was nearly 3 in the morning. “
But-”

“ No buts, be ready in 5.” his father yelled down the hall, leaving him with his mouth agape. Gon groaned loudly as he plopped backwards onto his pillow. Sure he wanted to spend time with his dad but it was sooo early. He continued to lay there with a glare on his face until he began to hear his father’s footsteps heading back in his direction. Gon’s eyes widened as he nearly fell flat on his face trying to scramble onto his feet. Quickly bending over to grab his green boots from underneath his bed, he attempted to put them on as fast as possible. Once he had one boot on, he found himself hopping up and down on one foot to get the other one on.

Once he was finished, he ran over to his dresser to grab his green jacket and wasted no time slipping it on. With his father’s footsteps getting closer and closer, he could feel the anxiety rising up in his chest. Sitting down on the bed, he crossed his legs and waited patiently for his father to enter the room. Gon’s face immediately turned red as he replayed everything in his mind. Oh how he was so sick of everything. So sick of his negative emotions, so sick of his nightmares,...so sick of looking like a weak fool in front of his father. 

Gon forced a smile when he saw his father re-enter his room. This time Ging was dressed in normal attire instead of his pajamas. He sported a white tank top with brown cargo pants and black boots. He would normally wear his scarf to cover the top of his head, but decided against it. Tonight his hair would be free from any sort of cloth that would normally conceal it.  

Feeling the corners of his lips turn upwards into a soft smile, Ging couldn’t help but feel satisfied when he saw his son fully dressed. 

“Ready to go?” 

Gon’s eyes were downcast, as he played nervously with his fingers. He heard his father but pretended as if he didn’t hear a thing. A part of him was afraid of what his father might say. What if he’s going to lecture me? What if he’s going to tell me I just need to get over it? What if-

“GON” 

Ging’s voice was loud and firm, which was enough to get Gon off the bed and on his feet. He stood straight up with his head high and his arms by his side as if he was a soldier and his father was the drill sergeant. Ging chuckled at his reaction,“ I said, are you ready to go?” Gon relaxed ever so slightly at his father’s amused expression. “Y-Yeah” he stuttered. 

“ Then let’s go.” Ging said as he slowly left the room. 

Gon gulped nervously and followed his father, taking small footsteps behind him. Together, they left home and began to head towards town. It was 15 minutes on foot so they had a little while before they reached their destination. While walking, Ging had to stop a couple times, to let Gon catch up. His son was by no means a slow walker and Ging knew this. It was obvious that he was anxious, why? Well he had no idea. Ging frowned when Gon did it again. Turning around, he saw that his son was somehow walking 5 feet behind him, taking the slowest steps ever. He wasn’t even paying attention to his surroundings, instead he just continued to walk while staring at the ground as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. 

Gon stopped walking and tensed up as his father made his way over to where he was standing. Looking up at his father’s face, he expected him to be upset but there were no traces of agitation on his features. Instead he appeared to be nonchalant. Gon opened his mouth to say something but his father cut him off, “Do you need me to carry you?” 

Gon was caught off guard by his question, “What? I-.” 

Before he even got to finish his response, Ging picked him up and threw him onto his back, causing him to yelp in surprise. “ I’m trying to make it back before the sun comes up and here you are walking like a grandpa.” he joked. For the first time in a couple days, Gon laughed. His laughter was beautiful, intoxicating. Wrapping his arms tightly around his father’s neck, he sighed and closed his eyes in an attempt to get some sleep. However, his attempt to sleep was in vain because  he was wide awake now. Ging wrapped his arms underneath Gon’s  legs to keep him in place so he wouldn’t fall before starting on their journey once more.

Despite the fact that Gon couldn’t sleep, his eyes remained closed as he listened to the sounds of the night. There were Crickets chirping, cicada’s buzzing, and the crunch of the leaves from underneath his father’s boots. “ So-” Ging began, snapping his son out of his relaxed state. “ Is there anything you’d like to know about me? About your mom maybe?” Gon’s eyes flew open, “ I already know all about my mom.” he replied, his eyes sparkling with glee. His father raised a brow at his reply. What could he possibly know? Ging wondered. Did Mito tell him anything? Before he got a chance to sink down further into his train of thought, Gon began to talk again, “ She raised me, took care of me, and nursed me back to health when I was sick-” Wait, is he talking about- “ Mito is the best mom I could ever have!” 

Ging stopped dead in his tracks, cringing inwardly. Does he even understand what he’s saying? She’s my sister! Pinching the bridge of his nose, he let out an exasperated sigh, “ You know she’s not your real mom.” Gon frowned. Of course he knew that. Although as a small child he genuinely did think that Mito was his real mom up until a certain age. “ Yeah I know but she’ll always love me like a mother would.” he explained. Ging stayed silent for a moment, “ I understand.” he mumbled softly. As they continued on their way, in the distance they began to see some lamp posts indicating that they were getting close to their destination.

In a way, it broke his heart that Gon wasn’t even the least bit curious about his mother. His real mom, not Mito. Sometimes Ging wondered what life would be like if everything was different. If all three of them stuck together like a real family would. Pushing his thoughts aside, Ging continued to walk until he stopped in front of a cafe. Crouching down slightly to let Gon onto his feet, he was secretly relieved that he didn’t have to carry him anymore. It wasn’t that he was heavy or anything, in fact he was incredibly light especially with all the weight he had been losing from missing meals. It was just that Ging was trying to function with only 2 hours of sleep and without proper rest he wasn’t nearly as strong as he’d normally be. However interestingly enough he was still plenty strong even when he wasn’t feeling up to par. 

The second Gon’s feet touched the floor, he stood on his tip-toes and yawned while stretching his arms over his head. To his surprise, they were at the local cafe. Since Whale island had a small population, most stores and restaurants closed down at 10 or 11pm. The cafe and the hotel  however, were the only places open for 24 hrs since a lot of tourists would pass through. 

“ What are we doing here?” 

Ging started towards the door, “ I just thought we could rest here and talk.” he explained while holding the door open. Gon smiled and thanked his father as he walked through the door. Almost instantly the second they both entered the establishment, Gon's eyes landed on a booth and he ran towards it in excitement. Ging smiled and followed suit, sliding into the booth and sitting across from his son. Together they both looked at the menu and tried to decide what they’d order. Gon settled on hot chocolate while his father decided to get a coffee. Ging was never much of a coffee drinker but he really felt like he needed it especially since he felt as if he was two seconds away from collapsing from exhaustion. 

While sipping on their beverages the pair discussed everything from the amazing people they’ve encountered during their adventures, to the worst things that have happened during their hunter career. And yes, that includes what happened to Kite. Ging didn’t want to press his son to tell him anything because he knew it was an extremely sensitive topic but surprisingly, Gon felt comfortable enough to open up.

Ging listened intently to everything he had to say and refused to interrupt even for one second and with the coffee’s help, he was able to stay alert during the conversation. Despite the fact that he had every intent on making it back before daybreak, the pair wound up leaving later than expected and totally crashed the second they got home.

One thing’s for sure,  this was definitely going to be a new tradition. 

Chapter Text

No response.

Not a single text back, call, or anything and it was driving him absolutely insane. With the amount of time that had passed since he'd last heard from Gon, Killua was beginning to believe that his worst fear was finally coming true.

Despite everything that they had been through together, he always had this horrendous voice in the back of his mind telling him, no, warning him that their friendship would be short lived. Killua’s breath became hitched in his throat as he clutched the front of his shirt, desperately trying to catch his breath.

Gon’s disinterest in their friendship would explain everything. With the fact that he’s gone AWOL for far too long and with Killua’s texts being left on delivered, it would be no shocker if this was just his way of communicating that he no longer wanted to be friends.

Hot tears stung in his eyes as his breathing intensified and with each breath that he took, Killua soon found himself feeling dizzy. Carefully lowering himself onto the cold, hard floor, he shut his eyes as a bunch of memories came rushing back to him in an instant. All of them were memories of him and Gon. The time they took the hunter exam together, competing in the heaven’s area, fighting the chimera ants, and all for what? Just for them to become distant?

I can’t lose him…he’s the only friend I have! Killua thought frantically as he hugged himself.He began to hear footsteps down the hall but ignored it as his inner turmoil continued.

Leorio had just finished studying when he found him, whimpering and shaking on the floor. He wasted no time and immediately rushed to his side. The poor boy was drenched in sweat and clutching onto his chest as he gasped for air. Killua barely even noticed someone else was in the room with him until he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. 

“ Are you alright? What’s wrong?” Leorio questioned with a worried expression. When he got no response, Leorio grabbed the younger boy by his shoulders and shook him lightly to try and wake him up from the trance that he was in. He’s having a panic attack, He realized. I wonder what could’ve set him off.

“ I’m dying, I can't breathe.” Killua whispered in a hoarse voice as he violently clawed at his neck. He managed to break the skin as he scratched and scratched, which was no surprise since Killua had a habit of sharpening his nails for whenever he’d need to unleash them during combat. Leorio gasped as he began to see blood oozing from his neck and quickly grabbed both of his wrists to stop him. “ You are not dying, you’re only having a panic attack.” 

Killua seemed to be completely unaware that he had hurt himself and attempted to try and reach for his neck once more. Leorio continued to hold his wrists tightly. Physically, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, their strength was unmatched. Killua had gone through all sorts of torture that made him into the person that he is today. That’s why he’s stronger than the typical 14 year-old kid and definitely way stronger than his friend. Luckily for Leorio, Killua stopped trying to move around and instead sat there limply on the floor.

“ I’m going to need you to breathe with me…breathe in…breathe out.” Leorio instructed. Throughout his state of panic, Killua tried his best to focus on his breathing which proved to be extremely difficult. Together, they did breathing exercises for a couple minutes that dramatically improved his mood.

 Leorio let out a sigh of relief as he examined him. The kid looked disheveled, sure, but at least he was able to finally calm him down.“ Do you need anything?”

Killua’s face remained blank as he stayed still for a long moment before slowly nodding his head in response. “ Water,” he replied quietly. Leorio hesitantly let go of his wrists and slowly stood up to head into the kitchen. “ Don’t do anything reckless.” He muttered as he walked off. Killua rolled his eyes in annoyance without saying a word. 

Once he was in the kitchen, Leorio couldn’t get his mind off of what just happened. Turning on the tap water, he wondered what could’ve caused the panic attack. He never thought he would ever live to see the day Killua would ever lose his cool. The teen was always calm, collected and well..badass. What could possibly make him act that way? Or maybe the question was who could possibly make him act that way? 

He was so deep in thought he didn’t notice when his glass started overfill. Shutting off the tap, Leorio walked out of the kitchen and back into the living room only to see that Killua had disappeared. 

“Damn it!” 

Groaning in annoyance, he slammed the glass of water on the coffee table before setting off to check every room in the house. Finally, he found Killua perched on the bathroom counter staring into his reflection as he caressed the deep gashes that he made onto his neck. 

“ Did I..do this?” Killua whispered in disbelief as he made eye contact with his friend. 

Seeing his expression broke Leorio’s heart but he tried not to show it on his face,“ Stop touching it, I don’t want you to risk getting an infection.” Killua immediately dropped his hands at his sides as Leorio reached into the medicine cabinet and pulled out his first aid kit. They were both silent as he treated the wounds. Killua couldn’t help but flinch as Leorio used a cotton ball to gently dab alcohol onto the hurt area. “ So..are you going to explain to me what happened back there?” Killua opened his mouth to reply but instead groaned in pain as Leorio finished cleaning up his wound. 

“Sorry.” He said as he began to slowly wrap his friend’s neck with a bandage.  

When Leorio was finished, he stood there with his hands on his hips looking at him expectantly, “Well?” 

KIllua sighed and looked down at his hands in his lap before balling them up into fists, “ I don’t think he wants to be friends anymore..” He whispered underneath his breath. Leorio gave him an exasperated look,” What?” 

Killua slammed his fists on the bathroom counter causing Leorio to instinctively back away, “ I DON’T THINK HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE!!” For a second, Killua looked up  when he saw his friend's shocked expression, Killua silently cursed in his mind for getting so upset, “ Sorry.” he whispered. 

Leorio looked confused for a second,” Are you talking about Gon? Why wouldn’t he-” 

“ Because he doesn’t reply to my messages anymore!” Killua replied, cutting him off, “ I’ve tried everything and he still won’t reply!! What if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?” Leorio placed a hand on his shoulder, “ Hey, hey.” He said gently, “ There’s got to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.”

Shutting his eyes in thought, Leorio heard Killua’s words in his mind. “ Gon better pick up at some point or we’re going to Whale Island!” 

Right now, Leorio was days away from his big exam and now was not the time for an adventure but if it makes his friend happy…“ How about we go see him?” Leorio suggested with a smile. Killua raised a brow, “ I thought you were against the idea.”   

“ I never said that, I just said I have a test to study for.” Leorio shrugged, “ However, I guess I can make time for a friend.” 

Killua leaped off of the countertop with a wide smile, “ Well, what are we waiting for?” 

Chapter Text

One night after a binge, he found himself sitting in front of the toilet again.

That night he had consumed two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, one bowl of shoyu ramen, 6 chocolate peanut butter cookies, two bowls of strawberry ice cream, and some really old leftover candy from a birthday party he had last year all in one sitting.

To say that he felt disgusting was an understatement. Gon had never intended to stuff his face. In fact, he was hoping to do the complete opposite. He was supposed to fast for a whole week but when he got to the fourth day, he couldn’t take it anymore. The hunger overtook him, and before long he was in the kitchen eating anything he could find. Normally whenever he purged, Gon would run the water to conceal the sounds of him vomiting but that night he forgot to do so. Just as he began the self induced vomiting , Ging had woken up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and as soon as he opened his bedroom door, he could hear his son’s violent retching coming from down the hall.

In an instant, he rushed towards the bathroom and threw open the door. Gon was so focused on emptying the contents of his stomach that he didn’t even realize his father had discovered him. Ging stood there in horror as he watched his son shove two fingers down his throat and vomit into the toilet bowl.

As soon as Gon was done he couldn’t help but feel relieved, dizzy, but relieved. Using his non-dominant hand, he flushed the toilet and tried to stand up. As soon as he did, his hairs stood up on the back of his neck.

Without turning around, he could tell someone was there. For a second he hesitated to turn around but when he did, he met the eyes of his father. The very thought of his father watching him was enough to make Gon want to hide away forever.

“Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.” Ging whispered in disbelief. Gon’s eyes were as wide as saucers as he tried to manufacture a decent answer,”I-I um” he stuttered nervously. Ging sighed and shut his eyes as he rubbed his temples in a circular motion.

Gon decided to talk once more, “ I uh..I accidentally ate some food with mold on it.” Judging by the look on Ging’s face, Gon could tell his father thought he was lying so he kept talking, “ I just didn’t want to get sick so I um…had to throw it up.” Ging studied his son for a moment before sighing and ushering him out of the bathroom. Once Gon left, he shut the bathroom door and stared at himself in the mirror and then glanced at the toilet. 

“He better not be lying to me.” Ging said under his breath.

Gon felt a weight lifted from his chest when he realized he was in the clear. The fact that he somehow managed to escape this situation made him feel as giddy as ever. He practically skipped down the hall as he made his way back to his bedroom. 

“ Gon?” 

Snapping his head in Mito’s direction, he gave her a startled look. He was so busy thinking about what happened last week that he hardly noticed she was trying to get his attention. 

Sitting up in his bed, Gon eyed the plate of food in Mito’s hand with contempt. “ I just wanted to bring you your lunch.” she explained, walking towards his bed. As she held out the plate of food, she waited for him to grab it. 

Chicken Katsu. 

One of his favorites.

The smell of the chicken was so alluring that his stomach growled loudly as he contemplated grabbing the plate. Gon slowly stretched his arms out to take the plate but stopped himself before he could do so.

I can’t eat now, I’m so close to my goal.

He practically began to drool at the sight of it and yet he still couldn’t help but have second thoughts.

Sighing loudly through her nose, Aunt Mito shook her head, “ We talked about this, you promised you’d eat something from now on.” Hearing the annoyed tone in her voice was enough for him to give in and without saying a word, he slowly grabbed the plate from his aunt’s grasp. Giving Gon a satisfied smile, Mito exited the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts. 

Despite the fact that he still had a habit of being very restrictive with his food, everyone was just happy that he was making an effort to eat at all. Little did they know, he was just getting better at hiding his horrible eating habits. 

Honestly when it came to eating, Gon only did it sometimes to keep everyone off his back. At this point he felt as if he had no choice. Seeing Mito cry every time he missed a meal made him feel like dirt. Especially since she would spend hours cooking all of his favorite meals in hopes that he would cave in and devour it all. Day after day, Mito would knock on his door hoping that he would join them for a meal and Gon would always insist that he wasn’t hungry. Of course that was total bullshit. He was ravenous. 

And whenever he did eat, he refused to eat in front of everyone else.

Every time he agreed to sit at the table, there were always constant glances in his direction as he slowly picked apart his meal.  It made him feel incredibly awkward having his father, Aunt, AND great-grandma monitoring him so closely, so Gon stopped joining them for meals altogether. 

He only agreed to eat if he was within the comfort of his own room. Mito wasn’t happy about this but she also wanted him to eat so she felt like she had no choice but to let him have his way.

 Gon had rules that he created for eating. No eating after a certain time, only take small bites, always drink a tall glass of water before every meal, and he only allowed himself one meal a day. He still had his days where he wasn’t eating at all and on those days, Gon resorted to his nasty habit of biting his lips until they bled just to taste something, anything. 

Although he may have had plenty of rules for eating, now that he was alone with his food, Gon lost all control. In an instant, every single well thought out rule went completely out the window.

The teen practically inhaled his food, not even stopping to chew. It made him feel repulsive but he couldn’t stop. Within minutes, the chicken was all gone and so was the buttery rice too. 

Regret. 

The only word that could perfectly describe what he felt in that moment. 

The idea of spending 30 minutes in the bathroom with his fingers down his throat seemed compelling. It had been a couple days since he had forced himself to upchuck any meals. However, Gon had no choice but to lay off the vomiting due to his father’s growing suspicion.

Setting the plate down on his nightstand, Gon groaned loudly as he fell back onto his pillow. 

As he continued to lay there, he felt his eyelids get heavy and he found himself getting sucked into a food coma. 

******************************************************************************************

Sunglasses? Check. Underwear? Check. Phone? Check.

As he looked over his list one more time, Killua couldn’t help but feel a strong wave of anxiety come over him. He wanted to feel happy, excited even, but that was hard since he didn’t know how Gon would react when seeing him for the first time in a long while. 

He gripped his notebook tightly as he held onto that thought.  

Does he even want to see me? Killua wondered as he stared grimly into space. Plopping down onto his bed, his head hung low as he contemplated that horrible thought. It wasn’t long before he started noticing acute symptoms of a panic attack. Sweat beaded his forehead as he felt his chest begin to feel tight. 

Remembering what Leorio told him, he began to focus on his breathing so he could soothe his nerves. It had been four days since he had his first panic attack and honestly the last thing he wanted was another one.  

In order to prevent it from happening, Leorio instructed him to always take deep breaths whenever he was feeling anxious and to try to meditate so he could clear his mind. Killua hated meditation, it was too boring, so he only did the breathing exercises. 

Luckily for him, the breaths that he took in and out were enough to ease his nerves. 

Standing up, he zipped up his suitcase and rolled it out of his bedroom. Once he left the room, he decided to place it by the front door next to Leorio’s suitcase. As soon as he put his suitcase by the door, Leorio strode by and casually grabbed Killua’s wrist, dragging him into a different room. 

“ Hey what are you-”

“ It’s time to change your bandages.” Leorio explained in a beat.

 Hearing that was enough to make Killua sulk again. He hated bandage changing time. He hated what he did to himself. And he hated how his friend was forced to see his wounds. 

Once they made it to the bathroom, Killua jumped up on the bathroom counter and kicked his feet back and forth as Leorio fished out his first aid kit from the bathroom drawer. He wasted no time slipping on his gloves and slowly, he began to peel off the blood encrusted bandages. Leorio hated this part as much as Killua did. As much as Leorio wanted to be a doctor, he still hated having to treat the wounds of a friend.

The injuries on his neck were pretty bad, but not so horrible that he needed to get more intensive care.  Just by looking at it, Leorio could tell that if Killua dug his nails even an inch further, he would’ve damaged his vocal cords. The thought was enough to make him wince. 

Using rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, he cleaned up Killua’s wounds before wrapping his neck in a fresh bandage.  It only took him 5 minutes to do all of this but to both of them, it felt like an eternity. Once Leorio finished, Killua jumped down from the counter and ran off to wait by the front door. 

It didn’t take long before Leorio joined him, first aid kit in hand. Killua groaned at the sight of it, “ Hey! You already bandaged me up, put that thing away!” He demanded. Leorio rolled his eyes, “ You know I have to keep changing your bandages while we’re away from home too.” 

Knowing that he was right, Killua didn’t even bother saying anything back. Instead, he angrily grabbed the handle of his suitcase and tossed his backpack over his shoulder before slinging open the front door and storming outside. 

Quickly stuffing the first aid kit into his suitcase, Leorio hastily zipped it up before running after his younger friend, “ Hey, wait for me!”  He took off in a jog, pulling along his suitcase.

 By the time he got outside, Killua was already down the street, not even bothering to wait for him. It took a while before Leorio caught up with him, and Killua couldn’t help but find it amusing that his friend was completely worn out. “ Hey, I told you to wait for me!” Leorio said in between breaths. Killua smirked, “ My bad, I couldn’t hear a thing.” Leorio shot him an incredulous look before rolling his eyes, “ Yeah..sure.” 

The pair continued down the street, dragging their luggage along. It was a 20 minute walk to the boat but they didn’t mind. 

Normally they would’ve simply driven to their location, but Leorio’s car was at the mechanic’s. The week before, his battery went out, so he was waiting for them to install a new one. They also could’ve taken a taxi, but Leorio decided that they should just walk instead. 

And what a wonderful decision that was. 

The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, the flowers were blooming. The weather was absolutely perfect and they were both enjoying it. 

When the pair arrived at their destination, they got in line to board the ferry. The line was incredibly long. It went down the street and around the corner much to their dismay. “ We’re gonna be here all day!” Killua groaned, facepalming. Leorio nodded in agreement, “ I wonder how long this is going to take?” he mumbled to himself. 

Suddenly, Killua remembered that he brought his game boy along with some snacks. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out a family size bag of chips, took a handful and shoved it into his mouth. Looking over at Leorio, he held the chips up in his direction, “ Want some?” Killua asked with his mouth full.

Leorio quickly grabbed a handful and happily began munching away.

The wait was about 4 hours but it felt like less than that since they were able to keep themselves entertained. They both took turns on Killua’s gameboy, played some board games that Leorio brought along, ate more snacks, and before they knew it, they were at the very front of the line. 

It felt incredible to finally board the ferry because it meant that they were one step closer to seeing their beloved friend again. Once they got on, they quickly realized that about 98% of the seats were taken. 

As Killua quickly scanned the area for a place to sit, he saw someone waving their arm to get his attention at the very back of the ferry. Squinting his eyes, Killua tried to get a better look at who it was.

No way…

His eyes widened as he tugged on Leorio’s sleeve to get his attention. “ Is that-”

“Kurapika!” Leorio called out, running towards him. Killua could hardly believe it as he took off after Leorio. 

When they finally made it over to the seats, Kurapika couldn’t help but smile, “ Took you guys long enough.” 

As Killua stared at Kurapika in disbelief, he took in his appearance. As usual, He was sporting his blue and yellow Kurta outfit and Killua couldn’t help but notice that he was still wearing the chains around his fingers. Ever since Kurapika dealt with the spiders, he hadn’t taken the chains off since. 

“ Hey!” Leorio said defensively. “ That line was ridiculously long and you know it.” Killua looked at the pair of them as it slowly dawned on him, “ Wait..” he began, “ You KNEW Kurapika was going to be here? Why didn’t you tell me??”

Leorio shrugged, “ I wanted to surprise you.” he explained, “ I thought it would be nice if we all went together.” Honestly he was right. It had been quite a long time since the three of them went anywhere together and it felt nice to be together again. Killua sighed with content as he relaxed in his seat. Shifting his body towards the window, he looked out at the sea with a faint smile on his face. 

Next stop, Whale island.

Chapter Text

It had been a minute since Gon allowed himself to be seen by the public.

The only time he left home at all was whenever his father would drag him outside to spend some quality time with him, whether it was to go fishing or to go into town to chill at the local cafe.

Gon only left the house at all to please everyone else. Despite the fact that his disordered eating habits were pretty much taking over his life, he tried incredibly hard to pretend as if things were okay. Which was pretty ridiculous considering the fact that he's terrible at putting up a front.

Today, it was Aunt Mito that dragged him out of the house much to his dismay. Mito decided that enough was enough and that it was time for him to get some help. The day before, she took him to see his pediatrician and was horrified when she found out that he only weighed a mere 68 lbs. Gon is 154 cm( 5,1) and that was obviously too little for someone his age and height. His pediatrician, Dr. Akiyama was shocked upon seeing him for the first time in two years. He was so frail, so withdrawn, so anxious. It was a stark contrast from his usual bubbly and outgoing self. Gon had become a shell of a person and it broke her heart. He had always been her favorite patient especially since he always wore a huge smile everywhere he went and now he could barely look her in the eye.

“ I’m just going to listen to your heart okay?” she announced as she grabbed her stethoscope from around her neck. “ Would you mind taking your shirt off?”

Gon lowered his head in embarrassment, “ Do I have to?” He asked quietly, blushing.

“Gon.”

Looking over at his aunt, he gulped nervously when he saw the stern look on her face, “ Just..do what she says.” Mito said in an exasperated tone.

He nodded and without saying a word, he slowly unbuttoned his top and opened it slightly so his upper half became exposed. What he wasn’t prepared for was the reactions everyone had to his gaunt frame.

The silence was loud.

Mito stopped breathing right then and there and covered her mouth in shock as she gawked at him. Dr. Akiyama was appalled as well and even she wasn’t sure what to say. The happy and healthy patient that she once knew was gone. Quickly scanning his body with her eyes, she didn’t hesitate to stick the plugs from the stethoscope in her ears so she could listen to his heart.

As she did so, he flinched as the cold metal made contact with his skin and then muttered an apology. She removed the tool briefly and smiled, “It’s okay, I promise I’ll be quick.” She assured him. As she slowly pressed the stethoscope onto his chest once more, her eyes widened.

“ Is everything alright?” Mito asked nervously, sensing Akiyama’s alarmed state.

Pressing her lips together in a tight line, Dr. Akiyama lifted her hand up from Gon’s chest to remove the stethoscope and breathed out through her nose, pausing before opening her mouth to talk,“ He has Bradycardia.” 

Mito looked concerned, “ What is that exactly?” she inquired. Akiyama put the stethoscope around her neck in a swift motion, “ Basically his heart has weakened severely, causing his heartbeats to be far too slow.” Mito looked at Gon to see his reaction of his newfound diagnosis, expecting him to look afraid or at least a little sad but instead he had a neutral look on his face. 

“ I know it’s due to his weight loss.” Akiyama continued, “ He’s severely underweight.”  She hesitated before shooting an accusatory look at Mito, “ You are still feeding him, right?” As much as she hated putting someone on the spot, it’s not the first time she’s had to deal with patients being abused in some way, shape, or form. Aunt Mito’s face quickly turned bright red from anger. No way, did she try to accuse her of starving her child.

“I’ll have you know,” She began, standing up to look her in the eye, “ I love that boy more than anything!” Mito yelled, jabbing her index finger in his direction. “ I’ve tried everything! I begged him and begged him to eat and he just…won’t.” Mito said as tears began to fall. Feeling as helpless as ever, she slid onto the floor and covered her face as the waterworks continued, “ And the worst part is…I thought he was finally starting to eat more until I found out he was throwing up his meals on purpose!” 

  Feeling guilty, Dr. Akiyama helped Mito to her feet and apologized profusely. The doctor then revealed that (since she was able to rule out abuse) he had anorexia. The binge-purge subtype of anorexia specifically.

 For a while, it seemed as if he was getting better since he agreed to eat a little more. Until recently while Gon went fishing with Ging, Mito came into his room to collect his laundry and she smelled something so putrid, it made her gag. 

She searched his room for the source of the smell, afraid of what she might find. It took a couple minutes but eventually, she found a plastic bag tucked away underneath his bed containing his vomit. It was a gut feeling that told her Gon made himself sick on purpose. If he was just vomiting because he was genuinely sick, why would he hide it? 

The minute the pair came back from fishing, Mito went into full on interrogation mode. Gon felt so ashamed that he could barely utter a single word as she questioned why he was hiding the bag underneath his bed and demanded to know what was really going on. The whole ordeal lasted for an hour, with Gon driven to the point of tears as he reluctantly told Mito the truth.

So you can imagine that the walk over to the therapist’s office was absolutely daunting for him. Every step he took felt like a workout for him both because of fatigue and sadness. His head hung low like an ashamed pooch as his arms lay limply by his sides. Not to mention he barely got a wink of sleep. The appointment that he had yesterday with Dr. Akiyama was quite upsetting. With the memory of Mito crying seared deep into his hippocampus, he couldn’t sleep due to the immense amount of guilt that he felt and with the dark circles around his eyes accompanying his starved figure, Gon was a pitiful sight. 

He was also pretty pissed that he had to leave his bed at all. The only reason he complied was because deep down he just couldn’t tell her no. He already felt as if he disappointed her enough so the least that he could do was at least try to get some help, not that he wanted to. In fact, the very thought of a random stranger hearing about his problems made him want to curl up and die. 

As they quietly walked side by side, Mito glanced over at him for a brief moment, the very sight of him making her wince. His face was becoming so gaunt and his clothes hung on his small body so loosely that it made her want to break down. It was summer and yet the teen was sporting a sweater that was much too big for him, coupled with a pair of green pants and his usual choice of footwear. Gon chose to wear a sweater due to the fact that he was absolutely freezing which made sense considering his rapid weight loss. In total, he had lost 37 lbs which was already proving to be detrimental to his health since he was already skinny prior to his weight loss.

So much for him getting better, clearly it was all a facade. Oh Gon, why are you like this? Mito wondered as she clutched her purse tightly.

Before long, they found themselves at the therapist’s office and the second they entered the building, Gon chose to sit in one of the chairs in the waiting room as Aunt Mito signed paperwork in the next room. As he swung his legs back and forth, he quickly scanned the room. Luckily, it was vacant with the exception of one other person. It was a woman, well into her 30s sitting at the front of the room. She had long beautiful black hair and she was wearing a bright yellow sundress. 

As he marveled at how shiny her hair was, she turned her head ever so slightly and when he managed to catch a glimpse of her face, it was like time stopped right in that moment. Sweat beaded his forehead as the painful memories suddenly came flooding back, causing him a significant amount of distress. 

It can’t be..

He struggled to breathe.

Please tell me I’m imagining her!

Gon was in such a state of shock that he didn’t realize he was staring at her for so long until she turned around to make eye contact. In a millisecond, he ran over to Mito in the next room where she was still filling out paperwork and clutched onto her like nothing else mattered as he began to cry hysterically. 

“ P-P-Please…take me home.” he begged, his voice wavering with every word. 

Mito felt a pang in her chest as he clung onto her. Putting down the paperwork and pen, she rubbed his back in circles, “You need to get help sweetie.”she replied in a soft voice. Gon lifted his head slightly to look at her. As much as he wanted to argue, he didn’t. Instead, he stayed beside Mito as she continued what she was doing

Because Mito was so distracted, she almost didn’t notice when he slipped his cold bony hand into hers. At this, she couldn’t help but smile warmly. Despite the fact that he was getting older, he still had no problem with holding her hand. Most boys his age would be too embarrassed to do such a thing but Gon never grew out of it since it provided him with comfort and a sense of security. 

When Mito finished the paperwork, she turned them in to the lady at the front desk before making her way over to the waiting room with Gon. The very thought of going back in the same room as that woman made him want to scream. As him and Mito made their way into the hallway leading into the waiting room, Gon’s heart rate increased(despite him having Bradycardia) and he quickly looked around for somewhere to hide . 

In the corner of his eye, he spotted the men’s bathroom and tore his hand away from Mito’s before running in and locking the door behind him.

“ Gon, Wait!!” She called as she ran after him.

In a panic, she wiggled the doorknob, discovering that he’d locked her out. “ Gon please!! Open the door!” Mito cried, as she banged her fist on the door. 

Inside the bathroom, Gon pretended as if he didn’t hear her. Feeling grateful that it was a one person restroom, he slid onto the floor, hugging himself. The last thing he needed was for a stranger to witness his mental breakdown. Mito continued the incessant banging for a couple minutes until she grew tired and walked away. 

Listening closely, he heard her footsteps become faint and the second she was completely out of earshot he allowed himself to cry. His choked sobs came out loudly as he rested his head in his hands, trembling with each sob that escaped his throat. 

Gon had so many repressed memories that he didn’t even realize he had until he saw that woman again for the first time in 3 years. It was in that moment that he could feel everything all over again and suddenly he became 11 years old again as he relived the pain. 

……………………………………………………………………

“ Can you help me?” 

Gon turned around at the sound of her voice and smiled when he made eye contact, “ Sure! What do you need help with?”  The woman’s hair blew in the wind, truly captivating her beauty. “ I’m new to Whale island and I was wondering if you could give me a tour.” She explained, gesturing towards her luggage. Gon nodded enthusiastically, “ Sure but let me tell my aunt first.” 

Right as he began to walk over to Mito, the woman placed a tentative hand on his shoulder, “ Oh don’t worry about that, it’ll be a quick tour.” she insisted. Gon thought for a moment, and contemplated on whether he should go tell his aunt where he was going anyway.  

Mito always warned him that he wasn’t allowed to run off with people unless he knew them and felt safe with them. Looking up at the woman, he didn’t feel like she was capable of causing him any trouble. True, he didn’t know her but she looked completely harmless, angelic even. Besides, how could he say no? He didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Besides, it wasn't the first time he’s helped someone find their way around town. 

“ Okay, let's go.” he replied in a chipper tone. 

She smiled devilishly at his naivety as he marched along, showing her the beautiful sights of whale island. “ So,” She began, “ What’s your name?” She asked, looking down at the small child. He glanced up at her, “ My name is Gon, what about you?” 

“ My name is Akira.” 

He smiled, “ Akira? That’s such a pretty name!”  She blushed, “ You think so?” 

He nodded, “ Uh-huh” 

Akira shyly looked down at the floor as her cheeks reddened even more, “ Do…you think I’m pretty?” As soon as she asked, he stopped in his tracks to really take in her appearance. Her face was absolutely breathtaking and the dress she was wearing happened to be a pale pink that complimented her features well. “ You’re very pretty.” He whispered, feeling surprised when he felt his cheeks become warm. 

Seeing the little boy blush did something to her. He looked so innocent and in a sick and twisted way, it turned her on.  “ Hey.” Akira called out, snapping Gon back into reality. “Yeah?” he asked, cutely tilting his head to the side. 

“Can you help me find my home?” Digging into her purse, she pulled out a crumpled piece of paper with her address on it and handed it to Gon. Taking the paper, he looked it over once before handing it back, “ I think I know where it is.” he replied, giving her a confident smile.  “ That’s great!” Akira giggled, pulling him into a hug. Gon felt surprised at the sudden hug but even more so when he realized her cleavage was right by his face. Awkwardly laughing it off,  he quickly averted his eyes since he knew it was considered rude to look at women that way.

As they continued the unnecessarily long hug, a small part of him felt uncomfortable but he refused to show it in fear that he would upset her. Gon was much too nice to reject a hug and he knew that Akira was only trying to show how grateful she was so he tried to not think too much of it.  

When she pulled away, he grabbed her suitcase so she didn’t have to pull it around herself. After all, how could he resist when Mito raised him to be a gentleman? As they continued walking, Gon looked up at the sky, starting to feel concerned. It was getting late and he figured that Mito was probably freaking out about his sudden disappearance . 

To soothe his nerves he tried to think about how he was doing a good deed. If it wasn’t for me Akira would be lost, he thought proudly. 

On the way there, they spotted a restaurant and Akira suggested that they should stop for a quick bite. Again, not wanting to be rude, Gon reluctantly agreed.  “ Then it’s a date!” she declared excitedly as she pulled him along.  They both ordered the same thing, spaghetti and meatballs which was absolutely delicious. As they ate, Gon couldn’t help but notice how for the majority of the time, she stared at him and she’d look away every time he looked up at her. 

He couldn’t help but feel unsettled by it all but yet again, he ignored his gut and tried to enjoy the moment. By the time they made it to their location, it was already sundown.  It was a beautiful brick house with a white picket fence and a freshly mowed lawn. Turning around to look at Gon, she smiled, “ Do you want to see what it looks like inside?” 

“ Sure!” He said enthusiastically.  Tugging along her suitcase, he followed her into the house.  As she flipped on the switch, Gon looked around in awe, “ It’s even prettier on the inside!” he exclaimed, slowly turning around to scan the room. Carefully placing the suitcase by the door, he took a couple steps forward. As he walked into the next room, he was delighted to see that she had a fireplace, something that he wished he had at home. 

Walking out of the room and back over to the front of the house, he got a sinking feeling in his chest as he watched her lock the door. “ Akira,” He began, his voice sounding small. “ I’m sorry but I should be getting back home.”  Making eye contact with the small boy, she smiled eerily, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up, “ But I was just about to reward you for being so kind to me today.” she pouted. 

As she took a couple steps towards him, Gon gave her a nervous smile, “ Reward? Oh that’s okay..I really need to go home now.” As he walked past her in an attempt to leave, she grabbed his arm and held on…tight. Opening his mouth, his words got caught in his throat and he shut his mouth as she dragged him into her bedroom and sat him on the bed. As Akira sat beside him, she looked at his small frame up and down seductively, “ Have you ever done anything before?”  Gon, still feeling afraid, shot her a puzzled look, “ What do you mean?” 

Akira placed a hand on his lap dangerously close to his private area and Gon looked down at the floor, refusing to make eye contact. “ You know, like have you ever kissed a girl or have you done something more?” Goosebumps covered his skin, “ More?” he whispered, still not fully understanding what she meant by that. 

Hooking a finger underneath his chin, she forced him to look up at her, “ How would you like to have your first kiss with me?” Gon’s eyes widened at her question and he began to stand up, “ Look, I really gotta-” He let out a squeak of surprise as Akira pulled him back onto the bed and forced him into a kiss, running her fingers through his thick black hair.

Gon felt glued to the bed as she grew bold and began to touch him outside of his clothes, slowly dragging her hand up his thigh and then resting her hand right on the waistband of his shorts. Akira pulled away for a while to make eye contact with him as she toyed with the hem of his shorts, “ Wait…Please! DON’T!!" he pleaded with tears in his eyes.

Akira stopped pulling at his shorts and began to glare at him for an unsettling amount of time. Gon was taken aback when she slapped him across the face. She slapped him so hard that he almost fell off the bed. His eyes stung with tears and he refused to look at her as she pulled him into another kiss. 

Despite what was happening, Gon chose to focus on finding a way out. All he had to do was break away from the kiss and run home! Wait, but the front door was locked. He needed the keys. Where did she put the keys? He needed to leave NOW. 

He racked his brain trying to remember where she placed the keys. The keys. The keys. Where the hell did she put the keys? He wondered. In between kisses he let out a gasp when Akira slipped her hands into his shorts, fondling him. She forcefully pressed herself against him as she kissed him more aggressively, shoving her tongue into his mouth as she continued assaulting his most private area. Akira then began pulling at his clothes in an attempt to take them off and as she did so, he heard the keys jingle in her dress pocket.

His eyes widened when he heard the sound and in a swift movement, Gon took the keys and made a break for it. His heart was beating so fast that his heartbeat sounded loud in his ears as he ran to let himself out. Akira ran after him but he was much faster than she was. Once he made it to the front door, he fumbled with the keys and somehow managed to escape.  

Akira ran outside after him and because it was so dark, she couldn’t see where he ran off to. She spent a couple minutes looking around her house for the child but he was nowhere to be found. 

“If you tell anyone, I’ll find you and punish you!!” she yelled into the darkness, unsure if he even heard him. Little did she know, he definitely heard and only used that as motivation to keep going, thanking the gods that it was too dark for Akira to see him take off. He ran and ran, afraid to even look back. 

 Hot tears were streaming down his face, and his throat was dry which caused him a great deal of discomfort. His legs felt like they were on fire and although he was exhausted, Gon ran all the way home. Not even bothering to stop once.   It took a while to find his way back but when he saw his house in the distance, he felt an overwhelming amount of relief. Once Gon got to his front door, he hesitated with his hand hovering over the doorknob. 

What if she’s mad at me for being away for so long? Gon wondered. Grimacing at the thought, he slowly cracked open the front door. The second he stepped inside, he made eye contact with Mito who was sitting on the couch. His aunt ran towards him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. “ I was so worried about you!” Mito said as she let out some tears of joy. Gon hugged her back as he began to cry as well, feeling so many emotions at once. 

As she pulled away from the hug,  almost immediately she spotted a bright red handprint on his cheek. Grabbing his face in her hands she inspected it carefully, “ Who did this to you?” she demanded, “ And where were you?” 

Gon looked down in shame as he struggled to come up with an excuse.  If I tell anyone, Akira will find me and she’ll probably do something worse next time, he thought wistfully.   Mito rubbed his shoulder in a comforting way as she sensed his discomfort,“ Promise that you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” she looked him in the eye as she held up her pinky finger. Giving her a nervous smile, he carefully wrapped his finger around hers. 

Looking satisfied, she put her hand down and looked him over once more. Something in her gut told her that something bad happened. The poor kid was drenched in sweat and trembling like a scared kitten. Not to mention, every time she reached her hand up to touch him he would flinch.  Mito, feeling uneasy, stood up straight and began to make her way over to the kitchen to prepare dinner for him, “ Go shower first and then you can eat your dinner.” she instructed.

Normally she would always make him shower right before bed but he was so sweaty, he needed one pronto. “ That’s okay, I think I’ll just shower and go to bed.” Mito stopped dead in her tracks and turned around, wearing a troubled look on her face, “ Are you sure?” Gon rubbed the back of his neck and nodded slowly, “ I’m exhausted.”  She had an understanding look on her face, “ Alright.” 

Feeling relieved that he could finally go have some time to himself, he gave her a grateful smile before running up the stairs leading to the bathroom. He wasted no time locking the door behind him to inspect his face in the mirror and just as Mito pointed out, he had a bright red handprint on his face right where Akira slapped him. Just the sight of it gave him a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

He could almost feel her hands on him all over again. 

Staggering over to the toilet, he threw up his lunch . Even after he emptied out his stomach he began to dry heave, only spitting up saliva since there was nothing left. Using his sleeve to wipe his mouth, he stood up and began to fill the bathtub with warm water (and bubbles of course) before undressing and climbing in. The memory was still fresh in his mind, tormenting him. Because of what happened, he felt disgusting and attempted to scrub away the filth. Using a loofah, he scrubbed and scrubbed at his skin for an ungodly amount of time until his skin looked raw.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

At some point he’d fallen asleep and when Gon woke up, he was curled up on the bathroom floor in a fetal position, feeling completely numb. He cried so much that he had a migraine. The memories felt so unreal, they didn’t feel like his own memories. But somehow, he knew that they were his. 

When he tried to sit up, he froze when he had a haunting realization. 

Slowly reaching his hand down to lift up his oversized sweater, Gon held in his breath as he prepared for the worst. Just like he’d expected, his pants were completely soiled with his urine. It was an embarrassing habit that never seemed to go away.  

He was perfectly fine until 3 years ago. Shortly after he was assaulted it was like his body regressed somehow. Gon never made the correlation in his mind though. In fact the entire thing confused him. He always wondered why he became a chronic bedwetter out of nowhere when he was way too old for that sort of thing anyway. Unfortunately, it was just something he had to learn how to deal with. Since it one of his biggest secrets, he would rather die than let anyone know that he was still wetting himself at 14. Every time he fell asleep it always happened. Which is why he normally tried to avoid taking naps.

I’m such an idiot for letting this happen…again , he groaned in annoyance.

Luckily, he always brought a backup pair of shorts and underwear just in case he would have an accident. His change of clothing was kept in his fanny pack that he hid underneath his sweater. Because his fanny pack was so small, he had to fold his clothing many times just to get it to fit inside. When he unfolded his shorts, they were wrinkly but he could care less. At least he had something to wear. 

Right as he started to unzip his pants he heard a knock on the door, causing him to jump. “Gon, I found someone who’s going to unlock the door!” Mito announced. Recognizing his aunt’s voice, he started to sweat profusely.

  No way I’m going to let her see me like this!

“ H-Hold on!” He called out nervously as he shoved his wet pants off and tossed them off to the side. He wasted no time changing into his fresh clothes and right when he pulled on his shorts, the doorknob rattled as they tried to unlock it from the other side. Gon felt relieved that he managed to change in time until he realized that his pants were still laying on the floor.  In a split second he ran over to grab them and tossed them into the cabinet underneath the sink. Right at that moment, the door opened and he met the eyes of Mito and the lady from the front desk. 

He stood there awkwardly with a faint blush on his face, not really knowing what to say. 

The lady from the front desk sighed in annoyance and went back to what she was doing, leaving the pair alone. Mito walked in slowly with a worried look on her face, “ You can’t be running off like this.” she frowned, crossing her arms. When Gon walked towards her, he pulled her into a hug. Instinctively, she ran her fingers through his soft silky black hair and he leaned into her touch as she did so. “ Please..” He began, his voice trembling, “ I want to go home.” 

Mito’s heart sank.

Pulling away from the hug, she looked him in the eye, “ I understand you’re afraid but I want you to get better.” she reasoned. “ And getting down to the crux of the problem is the first step.” Walking towards the door she stopped when she realized Gon wasn’t following her. Mito turned around and smiled warmly as put out her hand so he could take it.

He froze for a second before hesitantly grabbing her hand and allowing her to drag him out of the room. As they began to make their way back into the waiting room, hand in hand, he shut his eyes tight in fear that Akira might still be there, waiting for his return.  

When they got into the waiting room, he still had his eyes closed as Mito led him to his seat. She looked at him strangely when she realized Gon had his eyes closed the whole time but didn’t question it. Maybe he’s just tired , she rationalized. When they finally sat down, he leaned on her shoulder with his eyes still closed while she flipped through a magazine. A couple minutes went by before he finally heard his name called, “ Gon Freecs.” A loud clear voice said. 

Ignoring the person calling out to him, he stayed still in his seat not bothering to move.

Mito patted his head lightly to get his attention, “ Gon, it’s time for your appointment.” Opening his eyes slowly, he considered bolting out the door but as he looked at Mito, he remembered that the last thing he wanted to do was cause her more trouble. 

As he rose from his seat, he walked towards the woman who was calling his name. As he continued walking, he froze when he realized Mito wasn’t coming with him. Turning around to look at her, he frowned, “ You aren’t coming?” he asked, his voice exhibiting hurt and confusion. She shook her head, “ It’s a therapy session, you have to go alone.” 

Alone

A word that he hated oh so much. Nodding in understanding, he turned around and took a deep breath. 

Here goes nothing. 

Chapter Text

As Killua stared out the window of the ferry, he could feel a pair of eyes on him. Without having to look he already knew it was Kurapika, who happened to be sitting across from him. Slowly turning his head to face him, he was met with the eyes of his friend. Kurapika’s gaze remained intense as he scanned him carefully. Killua shot him an annoyed look as he fidgeted in his seat,” What are you staring at?” he asked in a defensive tone. Before opening his mouth to speak, Kurapika found himself hesitating for a moment, feeling unsure if it was okay to pry.

The bandage around Killua’s neck concerned him and Kurapika knew he couldn’t go this entire trip without asking. He continued to hold his gaze as he thought about whether or not he should even bother questioning him.

Finally, he chose to speak up,“ What happened to your neck?” 

Feeling thrown off by the sudden question, Killua raised a brow in confusion. “ What are you talking about?” Kurapika frowned and pointed to his neck, “ It’s all bandaged up.” Killua’s eyes widened slightly as he instinctively raised his hand to his neck and felt the bandage secured around it. 

Oh yeah…

For a split second, he contemplated telling Kurapika everything but a part of him felt ashamed. The memory of it all was much too embarrassing for him to handle. Killua gritted his teeth and looked down into his lap as tears threatened to fall. He could practically hear his father scolding him as he struggled to keep it together. 

Never let your emotions out in front of others, you don’t want to look weak. 

Shutting his eyes tight, he clenched his fists so hard that it looked like he was cutting off circulation. Gon and Alluka were the only people he allowed himself to cry in front of. Not to mention, he had a major freak-out session in front of Leorio two days ago, as if that wasn’t embarrassing enough. Sensing his discomfort, Leorio decided to jump in the conversation,“ He was attacked by an animal!” he blurted out suddenly. Kurapika rubbed his chin in thought while shooting him a skeptical look,“ Really? What type of animal was it?” 

“U-Uh it was a bear! That’s right, a bear! I had to wrestle the damn thing off of him too,” Leorio explained, waving his arms around to demonstrate how he did it, “ If it wasn’t for me, the poor kid would’ve been a goner!” As Kurapika stared him down, Leorio began to sweat profusely, hoping that he wouldn’t smell right through his bullshit. 

Unexpectedly, Kurapika smiled, “ Well it’s a good thing you were there to save him.” he replied as he reached over to pat Leorio on the shoulder. As soon as he turned away to look through the window, Leorio let out a sigh of relief and looked over at Killua, who was sitting next to him.

The boy then opened his eyes and made eye contact with Leorio, silently thanking him for saving him from that awkward conversation. After that, the trio stayed silent for the rest of the boat ride. As Leorio read the newspaper, Killua had somehow managed to fall asleep on his shoulder while Kurapika continued to stare out of the window as he replayed the conversation over and over again in his mind. The entire story seemed odd. Killua being overpowered by some animal? Leorio coming to the rescue?

Yeah right. He scoffed.

Kurapika was so deep in thought that he hadn’t even realized they had arrived at their location. The second the boat stopped moving, Leorio stood up immediately, causing Killua to hit his head on the arm rest. Yelling out in pain, Killua held his head as it began to throb,“ Hey! Watch it!”he screeched, shooting a glare in his direction. Leorio laughed sheepishly as he gave him an apologetic look, “ My bad.” He replied as he stretched out his hand, helping Killua to his feet. Kurapika chuckled at them as he slung his duffle bag over his shoulder before exiting the ferry.

When they finally got off the boat, Killua turned around slowly, taking in the beautiful island. “ I can’t believe we’re finally here.” he whispered to himself.

Kurapika placed his hands on his hips and faced Leorio,” So where are we going first? The hotel or Gon’s place?” Before Leorio got a chance to respond, Killua butted in, “ How could you even ask something like that?” he seethed.  Kurapika stared at him blankly, “ What are you talking about?” Killua threw down his backpack in anger and approached the older teen, “ It’s been almost a whole year since we’ve seen Gon and you’re seriously asking where we should go first?!” In an attempt to defuse his anger, Leorio took a step towards Killua and placed a hand on his shoulder, “ Hey Killua-” he began in a calm tone. 

“ And you stay out of it!” Killua snapped, shrugging his hand off of his shoulder. Leorio recoiled, looking as if he’d been slapped. “ Fine.” he muttered, feeling offended. Turning back towards Kurapika, Killua shot him a menacing look before bending over to pick up his backpack and suitcase, “ We are going to see Gon first. “ He declared. “ And that’s final.” As he walked past his friends, Killua ignored their shocked expressions. 

Kurapika watched him storm off and just by looking over at Leorio, he could tell they were thinking the same thing.

What’s his deal?

Once they got over their shock they began to follow behind Killua, deciding to keep their distance by walking a couple feet behind him to give him his much needed space. As they walked and walked, Killua began to realize that he didn’t even know where he was going. He’d only been to Gon’s house once, and it had been a little over a year ago. The more and more that they walked, the more he began to feel anxiety bubbling up in the pit of his stomach. A part of him felt too embarrassed to admit that he had no idea where he was going but he realized that he had to speak up or they were never going to make any progress.

Turning around, he averted his gaze as a faint blush appeared on his cheeks. Killua rubbed the back of his neck and sighed as he struggled to find what words he was going to use.  From the moment he turned around, both Leorio and Kurapika also stopped walking to see what was wrong. Leorio took a couple steps towards him, “ Is everything alright?” Killua looked up to make eye contact but didn't respond. At first glance, his expression was nonchalant but looking into his eyes, all Leorio saw was sheer panic. This was beginning to concern him. "Is everything alright?" Leorio repeated, waiting impatiently for his reply.

Taking a deep breath, he finally spit it out, “ I forgot where he lives.” his words came out so fast, Leorio almost didn’t comprehend what he was saying. Kurapika approached him with his arms crossed, “ Why didn’t you say something sooner?” he scolded. “ Just call Gon and ask him for his address.”Killua looked away with his head drooping slightly, “ I-I can't.” he replied quietly. Kurapika was starting to get annoyed, “ What do you mean you can’t? You literally have his number.” The younger teen stared at the ground without saying a word and gripped the strap of his backpack. “ It’s because everytime I try to reach out-” 

“ He never picks up.” Leorio said, finishing Killua’s sentence. 

Kurapika’s face fell instantly when the harsh reality of their situation sunk in. They came all the way out to Whale island, bags packed and all, only to discover that they didn’t even know Gon’s address. Running one hand through his bangs, Kurapika tried to keep his composure as he dug one hand into his pocket and fished out his cell. “ I’m going to call him and if he doesn’t pick up, well…” his voice trailed off, not even bothering to finish his sentence. Killua’s eyes widened when he realized what Kurapika was trying to say. If he doesn’t pick up, well I guess we’re gonna have to head home. There are no words to even begin to describe the overwhelming amount of distress that he felt right in that moment. As Kurapika searched through his contacts to find Gon’s number, Killua held his breath in anticipation. Raising the phone to his ear, he cursed silently when it went straight to voicemail.

“ His phone is dead.” Kurapika announced as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. “ Not much we can do now.” he shrugged, kicking a rock on the ground. Leorio silently nodded in agreement, disappointment written across his features. Killua looked at the pair, taking in their defeated expressions,“ We can’t give up now!”

The last thing he wanted was to go back home when they came this far already. Leorio glanced over at Killua,” What do you expect us to do?” Killua thought for a moment,“ This island is quite small, and Gon’s the type of person to get along with everyone…do you think?” Leorio’s eyes glistened with hope at his words, “ Are you saying one of these residents might know where he lives?” The idea wasn’t completely crazy. It was a very small island. It was so small that the fact that there was even a hotel for visitors was pretty surprising to say the least. Normally in small places like this, everybody knew everybody so someone was bound to know about Gon’s whereabouts. 

Without wasting any more time, Killua took off running with Leorio and Kurapika not too far behind. They immediately went deeper and deeper into the island and found the Town square, where they discovered the farmer’s market. The place was filled to the brim with residents. More people meant more options for possible directions they could receive. Killua turned around to face his comrades, “ Hey, let’s split up and ask anyone who might know Gon and then we’ll meet right back over here when we’re done.” 

Kurapika and Leorio nodded before racing into the crowd. Killua watched them run off, feeling his anxiety threatening to take over. It was very possible that they would get absolutely nowhere with this and that they were wasting their time. Only one way to find out. Shaking his head, he discarded his feelings before running after them. 

The trio asked pretty much anyone they could find. Some people had no idea who Gon was, others knew of him but had no idea where he lived, while others only knew Mito but not Gon. 

When the trio met up again, it was clear that no one had made any progress. Everyone was exhausted from running around and defeat was abundantly clear.  Leorio had his hands on knees trying to catch his breath as Kurapika drug his arm across his forehead to wipe away his sweat. Killua just stood there panting slightly, unsure of what he should do next.

“ You think…we should head to the hotel and try again later?” Killua suggested in between breaths. 

Right as Leorio was about to reply, Kurapika beat him to it, “ There’s a man over there!” he exclaimed, pointing a finger in that direction. “ We haven’t asked him yet! Maybe he might know Gon!” Killua turned his head at the same time as Leorio to see an elderly man hunched over a cane. They both looked back at Kurapika with a doubtful look on their faces, “ Why would some grandpa know Gon?” Killua huffed, placing his hands on his hips.

Kurapika shrugged, “ You never know, after all we can’t quit now! We have to keep going!” Killua smiled at his words as he gained more motivation. “ Let’s go then!” Instead of splitting up this time, they chose to go together. Kurapika led the way with Leorio and Killua trailing not too far behind. “ Excuse me sir.” Kurapika said politely, attempting to get the man’s attention. The older man turned to face him and smiled, “ What is it young man?” He replied, shifting his weight from one foot to another as he clutched onto his cane with a tight grip. 

Kurapika pulled out his phone and searched for the only photo he had of Gon and showed it to the man. “ Do you know our friend? His name is Gon and we don’t remember where he lives.” The man placed a hand on his chin and squinted his eyes at the photo,” Gon…Hey isn’t that Mito’s kid?” Killua perked up at the sound of Mito’s name and took a step towards the man, “ Yes! Please tell me you know where they live!” At this point, he couldn’t even hide the desperation in his voice. 

The old man smiled, “ I do, let me show you.” The three of them could barely contain their excitement. “ Thank you so much!!” they all said simultaneously. The man chuckled, “ Don’t mention it.” As they walked away from the Town square following behind the man, Killua felt so much happiness when he realized he was actually going to see his best friend again for the first time in what felt like forever.

“ So what are your names?” The old man asked, the trio, breaking the silence. 

“ I’m Kurapika.”

“ Oh, my name is Leorio.” Killua remained quiet as they introduced themselves and when they were finished, Leorio elbowed him as a signal to do the same. Killua glared at him as he rubbed his arm. “Killua.” he replied curtly.

The old man smiled, “ My name is Ichiro, nice to meet you guys.” Kurapika was the only one walking beside Ichiro while Leorio and Killua found themselves trailing behind them. “ So, how do you know Gon?” Kurapika asked out of curiosity. Killua leaned forward slightly as he waited for Ichiro’s response. 

Ichiro’s eye wrinkles became more prominent as the corners of his mouth turned up even more, “ We met one day at the supermarket..I had a lot of groceries to take home and he offered to carry them all the way home for me.” he laughed at the memory. “ I insisted that I didn’t need help but he didn’t want to hear it. “ Suddenly his face became serious. “ That boy really was the happiest and kindest person I’ve ever met…he was so full of energy too.” Kurapika detected a hint of sadness in Ichiro’s voice and looked back at his friends to see if they picked up on it too. 

They did

“ Was?” Killua questioned feeling panic threatening to take over. “ What do you mean was ??” Everyone couldn’t help but notice the shift in Ichiro’s attitude. One second he was sporting a smile and now it had completely vanished. 

Leorio looked over at the man, “ Is he…” he began, his voice trailing off. Ichiro waved his hand as if to dismiss Leorio's concerns, “ No, no, that’s not what I meant at all!” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief at his words. “ But still, what are you trying to say? Is Gon alright?” Kurapika questioned, staring at the man’s face as he anxiously waited for his reply. “ He’s changed.” Was all he said. The rest of the walk was silent, leaving Killua alone with his thoughts. Changed?? What does he mean by that? Changed how? Is he alright? Gon please be okay! Please be okay? Please be-

“ Killua!” 

Jumping at the sound of his name, he blushed when he realized everyone was staring at him. He couldn’t help but feel the tips of his ears turn red, “ W-What?” he stuttered. Leorio rolled his eyes, “ I was trying to tell you that we’re here.” Killua looked up at Gon’s house and felt a rush of emotions. Gulping nervously,  he found himself staring down at the ground, “ Right.” Ichiro chuckled at his reaction, “ Well, I better get going.” He turned on his heel and slowly but surely, started going back the way he came. 

“ Thanks again!” Leorio and Kurapika shouted after him as he began to walk away. 

Killua shut his eyes as he tightened his grip on his backpack strap. Sensing that something was wrong, Leorio approached the teen cautiously. As he took a step towards him, he put a hand on his shoulder, bending over slightly to whisper into his ear, “ Are you alright?” Leorio whispered so quietly, only Killua could hear. 

Killua let out a shaky breath, “ I’m fine .” 

Leorio could hear traces of anxiety in his voice and shot him a skeptical look, “ If you say so.” he finally took a couple steps back when Killua opened his eyes and silently, they all made their way over to the house before stopping at the front door.“ Who’s going to knock?” Killua asked, looking between the two. Kurapika shrugged, “ You’re the closest one to the door.” he reasoned. Killua turned around to face the door and realized that he was right. He was the closest. As he raised his hand to knock, his heart beat faster and faster and right when he was about to knock he hesitated, leaving his hand hovering only a couple inches away from the door.

Leorio groaned in annoyance“ Well, what are you waiting for?” 

Killua’s eyes widened as he thought of the possible things that might happen when they see Gon again. Suddenly Ichiro’s words were echoing in his mind. Torturing him. He’s changed.   Dropping his hand at his side, he took a couple steps back with a frown on his face. Leorio sighed and gently pushed Killua to the side so he could knock on the door. He did three light knocks on the door and waited. 

No response. 

“ Maybe no one’s home?” Kurapika figured. 

Leorio had an exasperated look on his face,“ We didn’t come all this way for nothing!” He raised his hand to knock again but this time he did faster, louder knocks and continued banging on the door until he heard someone on the other side of the door. Everyone took a couple steps back as they anxiously waited for the door to open.

Click!

When the door finally opened and no one could’ve expected him of all people to greet them. Killua tilted his head to the side as he stared at the strange man who opened the door. He was kinda scruffy looking, looked as if he hadn’t showered in three days, and was in desperate need of a shave. His hair was jet black and spiky, just like…

Wait 

Killua gasped and pointed at the man, “ Are you-” 

“ Ging Freecss!!!” Leorio growled at the man. Without hesitation, Leorio charged at Ging with full force in an attempt to knock him to the ground but Killua and Kurapika each grabbed one of his arms and held him back. Ging looked as if he had just seen a ghost and took a couple steps back as he put his hands up, “ Please…I don’t wish to fight you.” Leorio stopped struggling as they tried to hold him back and looked into Ging’s eyes to see if he was telling the truth. His eyes looked…sincere. And tired. Ging looked as if he had been going through it.  

Kurapika and Killua slowly loosened the grip they had on Leorio and stepped away from him. Ging sighed and leaned against the door,“ I’m assuming you’re here to see Gon right?” They all nodded without saying a word.

“ He’s not here right now.” 

Killua groaned in disappointment, “ We came all the way out here for nothing!” he screamed in anger, balling up his fists. Ging opened the door a little wider, “ If you guys want, you can wait inside." He suggested. "He should be back soon.”  That was music to their ears. Everyone's mood changed in an instant. In a haste, Killua scampered inside and placed his backpack and suitcase by the door. Ging watched silently as everyone followed suit, placing their suitcases right beside Killua’s. Afterwards, Ging led them to the living room and gestured towards the couch, “ You can all wait here until he gets back.” As he started to walk off, he felt a warm hand tighten around his wrist. Taken aback by this, he turned to see Killua staring at him coldly. 

“ We need to talk.” 

Ging stood there awkwardly as Killua continued to stare him down. “ Okay…what do you need to know?” Killua squinted at him in thought. There were so many questions he needed answers to and not enough time for Ging to answer them. “ For starters, what kind of father doesn’t visit his son in the hospital?” Killua’s voice broke at the last word. Ging looked uncomfortable as he saw the rage and sadness in his eyes.

 “ I was there...I saw how weak he was..” Tears brimmed his eyes, “ He was going to die and you didn’t even care.” Ging sighed and avoided eye contact, “ Why didn’t I visit him?” He repeated the question almost as if he was talking to himself, “ Because how could I even face him after all that I’ve done?” Everyone fell silent as they watched him squirm under their stares. “ I know I haven’t been a good dad. I’m still trying to learn how to be a good dad.” Ging admitted. It was true. He had been making a valiant effort to heal their relationship and build a stronger father/son bond. It hadn’t been easy but he tried his best. 

Killua, without saying a word, released Ging’s wrist and sat on the armrest of the couch. “ Whatever you say,” he replied dismissively. Killua had gotten so pissed off that he almost forgot why they even came here in the first place.“ Is Gon okay?” he asked suddenly. The moment the words came out of his mouth, Ging tensed up, “ He’s..had better days.” he muttered tentatively. Killua studied his expression as he leaned against the couch with his arms crossed, “ Can you elaborate on that statement?” 

Ging gave him an incredulous look. The way Killua kept asking questions felt like an interrogation. He understood it was only natural for them to care about Gon since they were his friends after all, but it was seriously getting on his nerves. He groaned, I should’ve left them outside, He thought as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Ging honestly didn't feel like talking about it. 

 “ Just wait until he gets back,” he turned to exit the room, “ You’ll see.” 

Once Ging left the living room, everyone stayed on the couch as they waited for their friend’s arrival. “ I wonder how Gon’s gonna react to seeing us.” Killua said quietly as he closed his eyes and put both hands behind his head. Leorio tilted his head back so that he was staring at the ceiling, “ I’m sure he’ll be happy to see us.” Kurapika sighed as he rested one arm on the side of the couch, “ Don’t you think it’s kinda rude to pop in on him so suddenly?” Killua opened his eyes and sat up, “ What do you mean?”

Kurapika turned his body slightly to face him, “ Well sometimes people are busy." Killua raised a brow, " So?" he didn't understand where he was getting at. Kurapika rolled his eyes," So, they might have a lot of things going on and visitors might get in the way.” Killua suddenly felt guilty. He hadn’t thought about that. “ He’s right, you know.” Leorio chimed in, “ I hate it when people do that to me. “ 

Killua leaned back against the couch and scowled. If he wasn’t so busy ghosting me I would’ve let him know in advance.

“ We’ll apologize when we see him.” Killua decided.  Leorio and Kurapika nodded in agreement. Right at that moment, they heard the front door open followed by some footsteps. “ Speak of the devil.” Leorio smiled widely. Everyone jumped up from the couch and ran over to the front of the house where they saw Mito, Ging, and Gon talking amongst themselves. 

Gon’s back was facing them and even from behind, they could tell he looked.. different . His once shiny head of hair looked brittle and his legs were undeniably very thin and bony. Ging looked up when he saw them enter the room, “ Gon, your friends came to visit you.” he said softly as he placed a hand on his shoulder. Gon furrowed his brows in confusion before turning around to face them. The trio continued to gawk at him when Gon turned around, giving them a full view of his appearance. The second he turned to face them, it was like time froze. It was like they were staring at a completely different person. His face was so gaunt and despite the fact that he was wearing an oversized sweater, it was still fairly easy to tell he weighed much too little. 

Killua was the first to approach him, taking only a couple small steps at a time before running to pull him into a hug. Their bodies collided so hard that upon impact, Gon’s legs gave out from beneath him as Killua wrapped his arms around his small body, causing both of them to fall. Because of this, the back of Gon's head hit the floor hard, completely knocking him out. Killua managed to place his hands right by Gon's head so he could hold up his body without completely crushing Gon. “ Are you okay?” As Killua looked him over, he realized Gon hadn't moved an inch. His skin was pale and his head was turned at a weird angle as he just laid there with his eyes closed.

Immediately, he climbed off of Gon and backed away, trembling slightly. 

As he did this, Mito ran over and picked him up, holding Gon close to her chest. As she reached her hand underneath Gon’s head to support him, her eyes widened when she felt warm liquid oozing out. Mito shook violently as she removed her hand momentarily to get a look, confirming her fears. When she saw her hand was drenched in blood, she yelled so loud that Abe rushed inside from her garden out back to see what all the commotion was. The first thing she saw was Mito hugging Gon’s limp body tightly as she cried and cried, with Ging rubbing her back in comfort and two new faces she had never seen before. However, standing a couple feet away was a face she did remember,“ What happened?!” she asked frantically. Abe scanned everyone's faces as she waited for someone to respond, her eyes lingering a little too long on Killua before looking away. 

Killua's eyes widened.

She knows.

His breathing became more erratic.

She knows it's my fault!

Killua’s breath became hitched in his throat. I hurt Gon. I hurt my best friend. It was an accident but still...I never meant for this to happen. Leorio, overcoming his shock, rushed over with his first aid kit in an attempt to stop Gon’s bleeding and Kurapika ran behind him to help as well. 

As everyone tended to Gon, Killua quietly snuck out of the house and ran away as fast as he could. He hadn’t even spent a full five minutes around Gon before he messed things up. As he ran down the dirt road, he visualized Gon’s face as he just lay there, bleeding out. The image in his mind was tormenting him as he began to cry. Killua couldn't help but feel pain and anguish for what he had done. With tears streaming down his face, he continued running until he accidentally tripped on a rock, falling face first. Moaning in pain, he rolled onto his back and attempted to sit up. As he did so he felt a sharp pain shooting up his side. Ignoring the pain, Killua forced himself onto his feet and panted loudly from exhaustion as he held his side. 

What have I done?

Chapter Text

Darkness.

That’s all there was.

Even though Gon was finally awake, he couldn’t get himself to open his eyes. His discomfort was too great. The tenderness of his injury coupled with his fatigue was overbearing. As he lay there on his side, he finally built up the courage to open his eyes despite the fact that he was writhing in pain.

His head was on fire, throbbing with each passing minute and the bright lights in his room certainly didn’t help with that. Gon cringed at the glaring lights and in an attempt to shield his eyes he tried to reach over to grab his pillow so he could cover his head with it. However when he tried to move, his head only ached more, nearly making him vomit from the pain.

Gon was in so much agony that he almost didn’t feel the cold and moist sensation at the back of his head. It was soothing the pain a bit but it still wasn’t enough.

Someone was using the cold item to apply pressure to his injury and Gon was so out of it, he didn’t even bother turning to see who it was. As he continued to lay there on his side, the cold substance started to drip down his shirt causing him to shiver.

Ice? He wondered

When the cold substance was removed momentarily, the pain became even more magnified. Instantly, Gon cradled his head in his hands and whimpered as the pulsating sensation in his head continued. It felt as if someone was continuously hitting his head over and over with a club. Rolling onto his back, he shakily pushed himself onto his elbows and leaned over the side of his bed to spew out the contents of his stomach. 

As Gon sat up, he finally managed to open his eyes as he used the back of his sleeve to wipe his mouth. Turning his head to the left, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Leorio sitting in a chair right beside his bed. “ How did you get here?!” he exclaimed. Looking down at Leorio’s hand, Gon discovered that he had been holding an ice bag. 

Leorio’s face was serious as he raised his hand to place the ice bag at the back of Gon's head once more, “ Hold this.” he said, ignoring his question. Gon complied, still feeling as confused as ever as he grabbed the ice bag to hold it in place. “ What happened?” Leorio hesitated for a moment as he silently wondered if he should give him all of the details. Not my place , he decided. He knew Killua was anxiously waiting for Gon to wake up so he could give him a proper apology. The poor boy was on the living room couch completely worn out emotionally and physically from the accident he caused. “ You hit your head.” Leorio responded finally. “ Do you remember your name?” 

Giving him a funny look, Gon smiled at the ridiculousness of the question, “ It's Gon Freecss.”

Leorio gave him a nod,“ Good. What day is it today?” 

Gon sat there on his bed as he racked his brain for the answer, “ Monday?” Leorio slowly shook his head, “ It’s wednesday.” Gon laughed awkwardly, “ I really should keep a calendar in here.” he joked. Leorio remained serious as he stood up to reach into his suit pocket to fish out his penlight. He carefully placed his left hand underneath Gon’s Jaw and tilted his head back slightly as he used his other hand to shine the penlight at his eyes. Gon flinched when the light hit his left eye, “ What are you doing?” 

 Leorio moved onto his right eye, “ Checking your pupils.” he replied curtly as he stared into his eye for a couple seconds before shutting off his tool. 

“ Why?” 

“ I was trying to see if you had a concussion.” Leorio said as he slipped the penlight back into his pocket. Gon tilted his head to the side in confusion. Taking that as his signal to elaborate, Leorio continued, “ If one pupil appears to be bigger than the other,  it can mean that a neurological problem might be occurring.” He shifted his weight from one foot to another as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

Gon removed the ice bag and laid it on his leg, not caring that it was dripping all over the place, “Oh.” he replied quietly. “ So..do I have a concussion or not?” Leorio smiled as he shook his head, “ Nope, you’re good.” he couldn’t help but let his eyes travel down his gaunt frame, “ I’m not so sure about the rest of you though.”

The knot on the back of Gon’s head was the least of Leorio’s worries now. The boy was undoubtedly underweight and it was starting to weigh heavy on his mind. As a future doctor( and as his good friend) there was no way he could just overlook it. Leorio slowly sat back on the chair before he dropped the bomb, “ Either you have a tapeworm or you’re not getting enough food in your system.” His gaze was intense, “ If you have a tapeworm, you’ll have to go to a doctor now and give them a sample.” Leorio rubbed his chin in thought, “ I would do it but I’m technically still in training.” 

Gon’s eyes widened, “ S-Sample of what?” Leorio looked over at him with a blank expression, “ Your stool.” He recoiled at his words, “ I don’t have a tapeworm, I promise.” Gon hugged his body self consciously, “ I already went to see my doctor.” Leorio leaned back in the chair, “ What did they say?” 

Gon looked down as he toyed with the hem of his shirt, “ I don’t feel comfortable talking about it.” Leorio gave him an understanding look, “ That’s fine, I just want you to be healthy.” he gently ruffled up his hair, causing him to smile, “ I promise I’ll talk when I’m ready..It’s just too soon.” Gon explained.

After a couple of seconds of sitting in silence, he decided to change the subject, “ Where’s everyone else?” Gon asked as he swung his legs over the side of his bed, “ I want to see them.” When his feet made contact with the floor, he tried to move his legs but he couldn’t. It felt as if he was superglued to the floor. Leorio panicked as Gon’s knees began to buckle underneath his body and using his quick reflexes he picked him up and placed him back on the bed.

“ You need to rest.” Leorio explained, “ I’ll go fetch them myself.” 

As he turned to leave the room, Gon couldn’t help but feel his nerves eating away at him. The second he heard his door creak, he reached down and grabbed his blanket to cover his body. The last thing he wanted was to be stared at like some sort of creature. It was how everyone looked at him now. They looked at him like he was some pitiful little thing and he hated it.

I’m not even that skinny , he thought wistfully as he turned onto his side to avoid eye contact. Kurapika came in first and sat on the chair beside his bed with Gon’s back facing him. Killua was lurking nearby in the hallway, leaning against the wall closest to Gon’s door as he listened in. 

“ Gon,” He began, “ I just wanted to see if you’re okay.” Kurapika leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees as he clasped his hands together. He waited a couple seconds for his response before continuing, “ and I wanted to apologize..”

Gon turned around so that they were now facing each other. He had a slight frown tugging at his lips as he rested one hand underneath his pillow, “ Apologize..for what?” Gon searched his face for the answer as Kurapika shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I wasn’t there like I should’ve been.” Gon watched as he bowed his head in shame, “ What are you-” 

Kurapika cut him off, “ I never came to visit you in the hospital, I had so many things going on at the time.” he replied, his voice wavering slightly, “but that’s no excuse, I should’ve been there. “ He continued to stare at the floor as his chest became tight, “ And for that, I am sorry.”

“Kurapika."

He looked up at Gon, expecting him to look annoyed but instead he looked content, “ It’s okay, I forgive you.” Kurapika looked relieved, “ Thank you.” As he stood up to leave the room, he was taken aback when he felt a tug on his sleeve. Turning around, he was caught off guard when Gon pulled him into a hug. Overcoming his shock, he smiled tenderly as he wrapped his arms around him, trying to ignore the fact that he could feel his spine. 

When they pulled away, Kurapika finally exited the room and found Killua sitting on the floor beside Gon’s bedroom door. They both made eye contact, “ He’s waiting for you.” Was all Kurapika said before walking away. Killua stood up and took a deep breath as he stood in front of Gon’s door. It was cracked open slightly, allowing more light into the hallway. Placing his hand on the doorknob, he braced himself as he slowly pushed it open inch by inch. Sweat dripped down the side of his face and he quickly wiped it away. Lately anxiety was all he could feel and it was eating him up inside. The very thought of even facing Gon was enough to make him squirm. 

Why would he want to see me anyway? 

After all the trouble Killua had caused, he felt like he was going to be sick. He had been gripping the doorknob for so long that it became slippery from his sweat. Taking in a couple deep breaths, he finally forced himself to enter. 

As Killua closed the door, Gon’s eyes immediately lit up at the sight of him and he sat up quickly, too quickly. His head began to hurt even more from his fast movements. Yelling out in pain, he sank back down onto the mattress while holding his head. Killua raced to his side in an instant, grabbing the ice pack and handing it to him. Giving Killua a weak smile, he grabbed the ice bag and turned his body to face Killua as he sat on the chair. Because of the way he angled his head, he was still able to properly place the ice bag on his injury. 

Gon’s eyes rested on the bandage on Killua’s neck, “ You’re hurt.”

The fact that Gon was more worried about him than his own well being broke his heart. He was so frail looking and here he was worried about some stupid injury Killua caused all on his own. Killua waved a hand dismissively, “ I’m fine.” he assured him. “ You need to worry about yourself.” Right when Gon opened his mouth to continue speaking, Killua cut him off.  “Gon,” Killua began with a frown, “ I can’t begin to express how sorry I am.” Gon looked at him with confusion etched across his features, “ But..you didn’t do anything wrong.” his reply came out like a whisper. “ I caused your injury, it was an accident and I never meant to cause you any pain.” Killua held his head in his hands as tears threatened to fall, “ You were knocked out for hours because of me!" 

“Killua, it’s okay.” 

“ No it’s not!” Killua screamed, “I should’ve been more careful.” Gon’s eyes moved away from his face and he stared at the wall behind him, “ I’m the one…who needs to say sorry.” Killua stared at him in complete and utter disbelief, “ What are you sorry for?” Gon dropped the ice bag on the nightstand and rolled onto his back so he was now staring at the ceiling, “ I’ve been a horrible friend.” 

“ But-” 

“ But what?!” Gon was sitting up now, ignoring the pain, “ You called me all the time and I never answered.” He was crying now. “ I wanted to respond but I just couldn’t do it.” Killua’s heart ached at the sight of him so upset, “ Why?” he asked, surprised that his voice was shaky. 

Gon looked down into his lap, “ I was really going through it.” he sighed, “ Even doing simple tasks felt like a chore..I don’t know why but I had no motivation to do anything.” Killua stared at him for a long moment as he felt so much guilt overcome him. Looking back at all those times he would get angry whenever Gon had refused to pick up the phone only made him feel like a jerk. “ I had no idea.” Killua finally responded. Gon wiped away the last of his tears as Killua stood up and sat on the foot of his bed. They sat a couple inches away from each other before Killua slowly leaned forward to pull him into a hug. Gon smiled at the gesture and returned the hug and they stayed like that for a moment before finally pulling away. 

“ It’s so good to see you again, Killua.” he sniffed. 

Killua smiled, “ It’s so good to see you too.” When Gon looked away for a brief moment, Killua found himself staring at his tiny frame. When did you get so skinny? 

Killua wanted to ask about it but held back from doing so. Not yet , He decided. I’ll ask later. For all he knew, his weight could be a touchy subject and he wasn’t sure if it was right to ask about it just yet. The door creaked open, causing both of the boys to look up. Mito appeared with a smile on her face, her expression was a stark contrast from how she was earlier. 

“ Dinner is ready!” 

Gon’s smile dropped almost immediately. As much as he wanted to object to eating, he knew he couldn’t. I’ve caused enough trouble already. She looked over at Killua, “ Leorio and Kurapika already went back to the hotel but you can join us if you’d like.”Killua looked grateful, “ Thank you.” The second she left the room, Killua ran behind her, ready to devour whatever food she prepared tonight. He made it halfway down the steps before he realized Gon wasn’t behind him. Turning back around, he went to go fetch him. When Killua made it back to Gon's room, he discovered that he hadn’t moved an inch. 

“ Gon dinner’s ready.” Killua said as he took a couple steps towards his bed. Gon looked up briefly before staring into his lap, “ You go ahead, I normally eat in my room anyway.” Killua gave him a funny look but chose not to question it. Turning around, he made his way back downstairs and right before he entered the kitchen, he saw Mito leaving with a bowl of soup. 

That’s probably for Gon , He figured. 

As Killua got settled at the dinner table, Mito finally made it back to his bedroom with his food. When she entered the room, Gon refused to look at her as she sat down at the foot of his bed, “ I made you your favorite soup.” 

As he turned his head to face her the smell hit his nostrils immediately. It was so intoxicating that it practically made him drool. She held up the spoon to his mouth urging him to swallow, but his mouth remained closed. “ Gon.” Mito said in a stern voice, “ You promised me you’d try to eat.” He hesitantly opened his mouth and allowed her to feed him. The chicken broth was as delicious as ever and the pieces of the succulent chicken only added more flavor. Gon grabbed the spoon from her and wolfed it down in a matter of seconds. He scraped the spoon along the bottom of the bowl to collect every last piece of chicken he could and practically inhaled it. Mito looked satisfied, “ Would you like some more?” 

 “ Yes please.” He mumbled as he handed her the empty bowl.

She hurried downstairs in an instant with the biggest smile on her face. When she entered the kitchen, much to her surprise, everyone stopped eating to glance at her. Ging noticing how happy she looked, couldn’t help but smile as well, “ What’s got you in a good mood?” he inquired while elbowing her in the rib as she walked past him. Mito giggled at the gesture before stopping at the large pot of soup and using a ladle to scoop some more soup into the bowl, “ He wants more soup!” she replied excitedly. Ging looked surprised, “ Gon wants more ?” he asked in disbelief. Mito looked over at Abe only to discover she was just as surprised as he was, “ That’s wonderful!” Abe replied with a wide smile.

 Killua stopped eating to listen to the conversation. The way that they talked about Gon eating his dinner put him on edge. He had always known that his best friend had a large appetite, so why were they making it seem as if Gon hardly ate anything at all? Mito rushed out of the kitchen almost as fast as she had entered with the bowl in hand, nearly bumping into the table on her way out. 

As Killua finished up his own dinner, he couldn’t help but wonder about the conversation they had. 

Maybe Gon is sick? Killua wondered, Maybe that’s why he lost his appetite.  

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Waking up in a cold sweat, Gon awoke, sitting straight up with his heart pounding violently in his chest. Looking over at his clock he discovered that it was only 2 am and he still had a ways to go before daybreak. 

Using his dominant hand, he wiped the sweat off of his forehead before pulling his knees up to his chest. As he sat there, he contemplated whether or not he should go see if Aunt Mito was awake. Gon craved the feel of her hand caressing his cheek as he dozed off to sleep. He yearned to have her hold him. He needed her more than ever and it was driving him insane. 

As Gon took in a couple deep breaths to calm himself he suddenly remembered that he wasn’t alone. Glancing over, he watched silently as Killua lay fast asleep on his air mattress. 

Although Leorio and Kurapika were staying at the hotel, Mito allowed Killua to stay the night. After everyone finished eating, it was so dark outside that she couldn’t possibly allow him to go outside on his own. 

Killua enjoyed being fussed over so he gladly accepted to stay despite the fact that he was used to being independent and walking in the dark was nothing to him. 

Envy was seeping through his veins as he watched his best friend sleep. 

The rise and fall of his chest coupled with the tranquility of his appearance was enough to make Gon want to scream. Oh how he wished he could sleep without a worry, without constant inner demons eating away at his very soul. Lying back down, he closed his eyes and attempted to force himself back to sleep. Alas, this was done in vain for he couldn’t possibly catch some shut-eye no matter how hard he tried. 

Groaning in anger, he shot back up and held his head in his hands as he tried to hold in his tears. I need Mito, I’ll never fall asleep now , He thought dejectedly. And as much as he wanted to go across the hall to see his aunt, he didn’t want to risk waking up Killua. His thoughts were rudely interrupted by Killua’s loud snore, which made him jump slightly. 

After a couple of minutes of debating on whether he should go across the hall or not, Gon decided to just go for it since Killua was fast asleep anyway. Besides, he slept like a rock and Gon doubted Killua would awake just from him tip-toeing across the room. 

As he threw the blankets to the side, he sat up to get ready to hop off the bed. Gon tensed up as he felt something wet trickle down his leg as soon as he sat upright. It was a familiar sensation that he grew tired of. This exact scene played out many times before except this time was slightly different due to the fact that he wasn’t alone. Gon scowled as he stood up to change his clothes. As he flipped on the light switch, thoughts of regret flooded his mind as he remembered how much soup he had for dinner. Normally before bed, Gon would try to avoid liquids all together to reduce the likelihood of bedwetting but he was so hungry that he completely forgot.

Placing his hands at the brim of his shorts, Gon started to pull them down to change but stopped when he remembered Killua was in the room. Immediately, he pulled them back up before grabbing a fresh pair of shorts. Before Gon left the room, he glanced over at his bed and couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Great , now I have to wash my blankets..again, He thought with a scowl as he exited the room to change in the bathroom. 

The sound of the door shutting was all it took for Killua to wake up. As the bedroom light hit his eyes he groaned and rolled onto his side. Turning over to face Gon’s bed, Killua expected him to still be there but much to his surprise, the bed was vacant.  I wonder if he’s okay, Killua wondered as he peeled off his blankets and stood up from the air mattress. 

The second he got onto his feet, he noticed it almost instantly. The sight of the soaked sheets alone was enough to leave Killua feeling perturbed. All he could do was gawk at the blankets in surprise as he tried to think of possible reasons why Gon’s blankets could be wet. Did he wet himself? Killua quickly dismissed the thought. Why would he wet the bed? He’s too old for that! The very thought seemed ridiculous. They have had sleepovers in the past and Gon had never wet the bed back then. 

Maybe he was drinking something and he spilled it accidentally? 

That one seemed the most rational reason to him. As Killua continued to list possible reasons in his mind, the door opened and he turned his head only to be met by the eyes of his friend. All the color was drained from Gon’s face as he realized that Killua had discovered his secret. He was frozen in the doorway, unable to move as Killua’s eyes traveled down to his shorts. 

Gon wasn’t wearing that when he went to bed …

Killua’s eyes widened as the realization hit him.

Maybe he did wet himself. 

Chapter Text

“ Yes, I win!” Leorio shouted as he raised his arms in triumph. Killua rolled his eyes and threw his cards down in frustration before getting up from his cross-legged position. Leorio watched as he did this, and nearly had a heart attack when Killua flopped onto the bed, causing it to creak loudly

“ Are you trying to break the bed?!” He yelled out in shock. Killua shrugged as he laid flat on his back, staring intensely at the ceiling. Kurapika had left the hotel room earlier to collect some food from the market, leaving the two boys to entertain themselves while he was gone. For the past hour, the pair chose to entertain themselves by playing poker and Leorio managed to win every single time.

It’s not that card games weren’t Killua’s forte, it’s just that he was distracted. Every waking moment, he couldn’t help but think about Gon. The sickening memory of the bed wetting incident was becoming incredibly difficult to bear, especially since it had been Gon’s deepest darkest secret. That secret alone was meant to stay a secret and even though Killua knew they were close, it still felt wrong to know about something so personal. 

The sheer panic across Gon’s features partnered with the soaked bed sheets were permanently seared into his mind and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Killua felt ridden with guilt when he realized that he never noticed Gon’s problem. All those times they shared hotel rooms and had sleepovers and yet he still failed to notice he had a problem.

As Killua continued to stare at the ceiling, he began to think of possible reasons why Gon would be wetting the bed at this age. Maybe he has a condition? he figured. That seemed to be the only logical explanation. Glancing over at Leorio, Killua couldn’t help but feel the strong desire to ask him if he knew anything about bedwetting. Leorio was studying to be a doctor after all. Killua sat upright and rubbed his chin in thought as he thought about how he would phrase the question without revealing too much. 

As he let out a sigh, Killua clasped his hands together and rested his elbows on his knees as he built up the courage to ask Leorio. I won’t tell him it has anything to do with Gon..I’ll just ask him if he knows anything about bedwetting, he decided silently.

Swallowing the growing lump in his throat, he remembered how Gon begged him not to tell anyone. The poor boy was frantic and inconsolable. It took about 30 minutes for Killua to calm him down and another 10 before he gained Gon’s trust that he wouldn’t tell anyone. 

Besides, I made a promise that I wouldn’t tell.   

“ Hey Leorio,” 

Leorio flipped through the medical journal he was reading, “ Yes?” he replied without looking up. Killua swung his legs back and forth as he nervously tugged at the bandage around his neck. The silence stretched loudly between them as Killua contemplated what he would say next. 

“ Do you know anything about bedwetting?” 

Leorio looked up from the medical Journal while wearing a bewildered look on his face, “ Bedwetting?” he asked with a hint of surprise in his tone. The question was so random, it completely caught him off guard. Killua nodded as he avoided his gaze. Leorio put the article down and intertwined his fingers, “ Why do you ask?” Leorio asked as he eyed him suspiciously. Killua chuckled nervously as he waited for his response, “ I have a… cousin who still..wets the bed.” He cursed silently at how spaced out his response was and fought back his panicked expression as he tried his best to remain calm. If Leorio caught on to his lies, he would be done for and Gon would never forgive him.

Leorio rubbed his chin in thought, “ How old is your cousin?” 

No way he was going to give Gon’s exact age. The last thing he needed was for Leorio to figure out who he was really talking about. Killua shrugged, “ I don’t know, like 13.” Right away, he regretted his answer. Sighing, he crossed his arms and stared at the ground in frustration. Too close to his real age.. Killua realized. Luckily for him, Leorio still didn’t make the connection. After all, if Leorio knew Killua was talking about Gon, he would’ve said something by now.

Leorio sat there silently as he tried to remember a book that he read about bedwetting. The book itself mainly covered toddlers and discussed lots of creative ways to get your child to use the toilet. However, there was one section that stood out to him so much that he could never forget it if he tried. Much to his surprise there was a section for teens and young adults that still wet the bed. When he first picked up that book, it was the first time he had even heard of such a thing. 

“ Sometimes bedwetting can be linked to genetics,” Leorio began, “ There are some people who stop the habit later in life because their relatives had the same problem.” Killua listened intently while he spoke, desperately trying to make sense of what he was saying. Relief flooded through him when he realized that he probably got worried for nothing.  

“ It could also be caused by stress.” 

His worry returned just as quickly as it left, “ Really?” Killua replied, feeling dejected. Leorio nodded in response, “ There are some teens who continue to wet the bed due to constant stressors in their life and trauma could be another big reason.”

Trauma

Killua shuddered at the word. A part of him wondered what kind of trauma could cause that. How damaged does one have to be mentally to suffer from such a noticeable physical symptom? Killua wanted to know, no, he needed to know despite the fact that he was terrified of what Leorio’s answer may be.  “ Like..what kind of traumatic event could cause that?” As soon as he asked the question, he instantly regretted it when he got his answer. 

“ Sexual assault could be a reason.” Leorio replied without batting an eye. 

Killua’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened at his words.

  That can’t be the reason why. 

Shrugging, Leorio picked up the medical journal he was reading and flipped back to the last page he was on, “ You never know, it could be anything.” Shaking off his feelings, Killua quickly regained his composure as he lay back down on the bed with his hands tucked beneath his head.“ Yeah it could be anything.” He echoed before staring at the closest wall he could find. 

If there was one thing that he knew for sure, it was that from here on out Killua was going to do everything in his power to get the old Gon back. No matter how long it took, no matter how much sleep he would lose searching for the solution, he would make him happy again.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Gon jumped and turned around in a haste only to be met with the eyes of his father. As usual, his mind was elsewhere. He hadn’t even heard Ging open the door, much less walk over to his bed. In his hands, Ging was holding two fishing poles and wearing a small smile, “ Don’t forget we’re in charge of catching dinner tonight.” 

Gon forced a smile back and nodded. He hadn’t forgotten at all, it was the only reason he was even awake. However, he was feeling exhausted and just wanted nothing more than to just rot in bed since last night he wasn’t able to sleep well due to the fact that he was up early changing his blankets again. 

Ging raised a brow as he stared at Gon’s pajamas," You were wearing something different when you went to bed last night." he realized. Gon froze at his statement, " No I wasn't." He lied, hoping his father wouldn't ask any questions. The last thing that he needed was for someone else to find out he had a bedwetting problem. The thought of that happening was absolutely mortifying. If his father found out, he would tell Mito, and then Mito would tell Abe and then soon the entire household would know that not only did have an eating disorder and suffer from nightmares but that he also couldn't control his bladder.

Ging had a lot more to say but glanced at his watch, realizing that now was not the time for an interrogation. “ Be ready in 10.” he said before quickly exiting the room. As soon as his father left, Gon let out a loud groan and dragged himself out of bed to brush his teeth. Once he was in the bathroom, he locked the door behind him and put toothpaste on his toothbrush. Be ready in 10 , his father’s words echoed annoyingly in his mind, making Gon roll his eyes. 10 minutes was barely enough time but he’d have to manage. At least he didn't ask any more questions. Gon thought with a smile.

 As he stared at his reflection while brushing his teeth, he could see the bathtub in the background and felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

When was the last time I showered?

After Gon finished brushing his teeth, he peeled off his clothes and hopped in. He didn’t have time for a bath so he decided to shower instead. Instead of washing himself properly like he should’ve been doing, Gon just stood there as he allowed the water to fall on him before turning off the water after only a couple of minutes. Grabbing the nearest towel, he lazily tied it around his waist before going into his bedroom to change. Once he made it back to his room, he quickly searched for an outfit to wear in his closet. Deciding to settle on his normal attire of his green top and matching shorts. Much to his surprise, his shorts weren’t that loose. However, they didn’t exactly fit him perfectly either. He gained enough weight for the shorts to stay up but not enough for them to fit him just right. 

That meant the meal plan that Dr. Akiyama gave him was actually working. Gon only cooperated when it came to following his meal plan because he felt guilty. Aunt Mito only wanted the best for him and all the damage he’s done to his body for the past 3 months has caused her nothing but pain. 

Gon had to admit, although he still struggled with following his meal plan at times he couldn’t help but enjoy the fact that he was finally able to stand upright for longer periods of time without wanting to faint. Slipping on his boots, he ran out of the bedroom to meet Ging by the front door.

Once Ging saw Gon coming towards him, he couldn’t help but feel the strong urge to scold him. They had a limited amount of time to fish since Gon had another therapy session at 10. Glancing at his watch, he sighed when he saw that it was almost 7 am. That took way more than ten minutes , he wanted to say but a small part of him held back from doing so. With a sigh, he concealed his annoyed expression before handing Gon both of their fishing poles and a picnic basket. 

Ging chose to carry the backpack since it was the heaviest. Normally he would be quick to hand Gon the backpack but his son still had a ways to go before he would be back at his full strength. The lack of nutrition did a number on his body and despite the fact that he was aware Gon was slowly getting better, Ging didn’t want to push him too hard. 

Opening the front door, Ging walked through it and paused momentarily to let Gon walk underneath his arm before shutting the door. The walk over to the lake was peaceful. Birds could be heard in the distance and the wind blowing in the grass was bringing a sense of tranquility to the father/son duo. 

The more and more that they walked, Gon started to feel as if he was about to collapse at any second. This time it wasn’t because he didn’t eat enough but simply because he was exhausted. He wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to walk before his legs would give out.

“ Ging?” 

His voice sounded small and shaky, which immediately caught Ging’s attention. Feeling concerned, his father stopped walking and discovered Gon was 4 feet away and panting like a dog ,“ What’s wrong?" he asked as he started walking towards him. 

“ I’m tired.” Gon admitted, shame showing across his features. Ging nodded in understanding and took off the backpack and sat it on the ground, “ Fishing poles.” he said flatly as he held out his hand. Gon handed them to his father and watched as he shoved it into the backpack along with the picnic basket before putting it on again. 

The second Ging put on the backpack he picked up Gon, cradling him in his arms as he held him close to his chest like a baby. Normally he would just give Gon a piggy back ride but since he had a backpack on today, that obviously wasn’t an option. Being in his fathers arms was enough to make him feel relaxed and it wasn’t long before he fell asleep. 

Ging couldn’t help but feel surprised when he noticed Gon felt a little heavier than usual. Looking down at his son, he noticed for the first time how his body was filling out more. His cheeks were looking less gaunt and his legs weren't as bony then he remembered.

A couple minutes later when they arrived at the lake, Ging couldn't help but start smiling to himself. Normally, there would be a bunch of people out on the lake trying to catch some fish but surprisingly for once, it was vacant. That was the only way he could fish properly after all, with little to no distractions.

By the dock there was a grassy area with a large tree which was perfect for picnics or for putting down your tired son. Walking over to the tree, Ging chose to carefully place Gon against it so his arms could be free while he prepared the fishing poles for usage. The second Gon’s back touched the tree, he moaned quietly in his sleep but didn’t wake. 

Ging smiled softly at the sight of him sleeping and couldn’t help but feel a pang in his chest when he realized this was the first time since coming here that Gon truly looked at peace. Taking off his backpack, he dug out the bait for the fish and placed it on the hook of his fishing pole. Ging also grabbed a small bucket to place the fish before walking over to the dock. Taking in a deep breath, he inhaled the smells of nature. The air, the pond, the birds. Everything was just right for fishing. Placing himself at the very edge of the dock, Ging got into a crouching position as he tossed the line into the lake. 

“ Now all I gotta do is wait.” he said to himself, thinking aloud.

The wind blew through Ging’s hair and tickled his scalp as he waited patiently, causing him to shiver. Fishing was something that he could never grow to hate. It was a hobby that required dedication and patience, two things that most people didn’t have. A couple minutes of waiting passed by before he finally felt a tug on his line. A wide smile played on his lips as he stood upright and leaned back, attempting to reel it in. There was definitely some resistance on the fish’s end, causing Ging to yelp as it pulled him forward a bit. His expression changed into a snarl as he took a couple steps back to prevent himself from falling in the pond. “ I’m not gonna let you win!” he shouted, turning the handle on the fishing pole as fast as he could. 

As Ging struggled to reel in his fish, Gon stirred in his sleep when he heard his father yelling. He wasn’t sure if his father’s shouts were a part of his dreams or if they were real. Eventually he woke up, stretching his arms above his head. The second Gon’s mind became clear, the panic set in. He found himself briefly evaluating his crotch area before letting out a sigh of relief. 

I didn’t wet myself. He realized with a smile. 

His focus was brought back to his father who was still trying to reel in the fish. Ging twisted his upper body to look at Gon and with the jerk of his chin he ushered him over. Immediately, Gon hopped onto his feet and ran over to help, the burst of energy coming to him as a surprise. 

Ging felt relief once he heard the sound of Gon’s boots coming his way. “ I need you to grab the fishing pole and pull with me, this is a huge one!” He said without turning around. Gon nodded and did as told, gripping onto the fishing pole with all his strength before leaning back with Ging and attempting to reel it in. 

With one last pull, the pair pulled it out of the water which elicited a gasp from both of them once they saw how big it was. It was even bigger than the lord of the lake which was pretty ridiculous considering the fact that the lord of the lake was huge. The second both of them managed to bring it onto the dock, it started flopping around like crazy, making the dock shake beneath its body. “ Go get my camera quick!” Ging instructed. For a second Ging felt worried the dock would break, bringing him down into the water with the large fish. 

This has to be the lord of the lake’s mother! Ging thought as he gazed at the fish in wonder.

In an instant, Gon ran over to Ging’s backpack and dug around, but to no avail. Looking defeated he looked over at Ging ,“ I can’t find it!” Ging was now holding the fish down with both hands to prevent it from flopping back into the water, “ Front pocket! Check the front pocket!” he yelled back.

Gon unzipped the front of the backpack and retrieved the camera before running back to take pictures of the fish. Ging smiled widely as his son snapped pictures of him with the fish, doing different poses in every photo. Once Gon was finished, they both pushed it back into the lake. “ Good thing we got pictures.” Ging said as he used the back of his forearm to wipe the sweat off of his brow, “ No one would’ve ever believed us if we said we found a fish bigger than the lord of the lake.” 

Gon nodded in agreement, “ Can we show everyone in town?” 

Ging smiled at his question, “ You bet.” he replied as he started to walk away, “ Let’s eat and then try to catch smaller fish for tonight’s dinner.” Ging said with a chuckle. Gon followed behind him, feeling his stomach churn at the thought of eating. “ O-Okay.” he replied quietly. Ging sat down on the grass and crossed his legs before patting the spot beside him. Gon obeyed and sat down as well while glaring at the picnic basket. Ging opened it and pulled out two sandwiches, one for him and one for Gon. As he took one bite, he handed Gon his sandwich and stopped mid-chew to watch him. 

Gon shuddered under his father’s gaze as he hesitantly brought the sandwich up to his mouth. As he contemplated whether or not he should take a bite, he managed to catch a whiff.

Tuna

Glancing over at Ging he shot him a look, silently pleading him to stop watching him so closely. His father took a hint and looked away, feeling a bit of regret.

I forgot he won’t eat if I watch him, Ging remembered, taking another bite out of his tuna sandwich. 

Gon hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until he let out all the air he was holding in the moment his father looked away. He also hadn’t realized how hard he was gripping his sandwich until tuna started to spill out from the other side. Once the tuna hit the ground, ants claimed it, devouring the fish bit by bit. 

For a second, Gon stared at the ants and felt so many emotions all at once. Sure, they were nothing like the huge mutated ants that they had to fight but it was still triggering. All the fighting they had to do, all the lives that were lost. Gon fought back the urge to break down right then and there.

Lives were lost.

“Kite, it was all my fault…I’m sorry” he whispered to himself as his lip trembled, not realizing that Ging overheard him. His father stopped eating and looked over at Gon who was now shaking. Ging hadn’t heard any talk about Kite for a while and assumed that he was over it. Ging was always bad at words and comforting people in general but his son needed him. Placing a hand on Gon’s shoulder, he rubbed it in an attempt to comfort him as he struggled to find the words to say. 

“Gon.” 

Looking up at Ging, Gon couldn't help but feel embarrassed when he realized he had been heard. He didn’t even bother replying and looked away as his face turned red.

“ Kite would want you to forgive yourself.” Ging continued as he absentmindedly grabbed a handful of grass and watched the wind blow it out of his hands, “ I understand you’re grieving but I want you to understand that you need to learn to move on.” Suddenly Gon’s embarrassment turned into anger, “ Move on?!” His head snapped in his father’s direction so fast that the sudden action made Ging flinch,” It was all my fault and you want me to forget about Kite just like that?!” There were tears in his eyes now, “ He was my friend!”

Ging nodded in understanding, “ He was mine as well and I’m not telling you to forget about him,” he clarified, “ I just want you to let go of your guilt.” 

“You don’t know anything !” Gon spat, glowering at him as he wiped his angry tears away.

Suddenly Ging didn’t feel like eating anymore. That very statement made his blood boil and in that moment he lost all control of his emotions. “ I know EVERYTHING!!” Ging’s booming voice caused Gon to recoil violently. “ He was my student, my comrade, I practically raised the kid and you’re telling me I know nothing?!” Ging stood up and paced back and forth as he continued his rant, “ I know he would want you to forgive yourself because this has gone on for too long!” 

Gon felt as if he had been slapped, “ What has gone on for too long?” he asked quietly, shooting daggers as if he was daring Ging to answer. Gon knew what he was implying and he hated the fact that this was how his father really felt about him. Ging stopped pacing long enough to look at Gon carefully. Despite the subtle weight gain he was still frail, still having nightmares, still wetting the bed( although nobody but Killua knew about that yet) and in everybody’s eyes he was…broken.

Ging waved one hand around gesturing towards him, “ Whatever this is…I don’t know if this is some phase or what.” With one look at Gon’s hurt expression he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose when he realized he took it too far, “ Look, I just want you to get better Gon..we all do.” Gon threw down his sandwich and stood up to look him in the eye, “ I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.”  he said quietly, his voice breaking with every word.

Ging didn’t even know what to say in response. He already figured he did enough damage so he decided not to say anything. It was easier not saying anything. Even as Gon started walking back home, he didn’t say a word to stop him. Despite the fact that he felt nothing more than regret in the pit of his stomach. 

Ging frowned to himself as he was left to pack everything away on his own. It took him a couple minutes to find the fishing poles and when he finally did, he discovered they were still on the dock. After he grabbed the fishing poles, he glanced at his watch and groaned. It was 9:30, which meant he was supposed to be walking Gon over to therapy right about now. 

Shit

Throwing on the backpack, he started the long walk back home. Ging dreaded going back because he already knew he would get chewed out by Mito the second he arrived. He had to admit, he deserved it. A mosquito landed on his forearm, distracting him from his thoughts and Ging wasted no time swatting it away. 

So much for trying to be a better dad, He thought wistfully as he kicked a pebble in his path. It was probably going to take an eternity for Gon to forgive him this time. Mito too. Heck, she might kick me out for upsetting him. Ging groaned as he raked one hand through his jet black hair. 

It was safe to say that they were definitely not having fish for dinner tonight.

Chapter Text

Hello! I'm just letting you people know that life has been lifing which is why I haven't posted as of late. Trust me, I'm still working on the next chapter! I've been so busy and I swear these teachers have given me like BUCKETLOADS of homework this semester😭 I just felt like it was appropriate to leave an author's note so I could let you guys know that I haven't given up, it's just that this semester has been kicking my butt so far!! I'm almost finished with this fanfic and I have every intent of finishing it! Thank you to anyone one who reads this and I hope you have a nice night/day :)

Chapter Text

As Leorio carefully peeled off Killua’s bandages from around his neck, he couldn’t help but feel the corners of his mouth turning upwards. It had been a couple weeks since Killua first injured himself and he was beginning to seriously hate having his neck covered up with a thick bandage. Most of the time it was itchy and there was no way for him to comfortably scratch his neck without injuring himself further. Because of this, he had no choice but to simply ignore whenever he got itchy which was easier said than done. Now that he finally recovered from the injury, having the bandage finally come off was liberating to say the least. “ Am I healed?” Killua asked expectantly as Leorio carefully inspected his neck. Giving him a small nod of confirmation, Leorio tossed the bandage into the nearest trash can. Killua smiled and instantly jumped up from the bed to scurry over to the bathroom. Once inside, he looked into the mirror only to feel sickened by the sight of his nasty scar. Bile threatened to come up but he quickly swallowed it before it could even make it past his lips. 

Four dark pink lines stretched across his neck and It was such a gnarly sight. He already had to deal with having an annoying neck injury but now that he was healed, he was stuck with this thing on his neck. Raising his right hand, his fingers hovered ever so slightly over his scars. 

How did this happen? I don’t remember hurting myself this bad. 

As he stared back at his reflection, he couldn’t believe that these marks were left on his beautiful, pale white skin. It wasn’t done on purpose, sure, but just the sight of it was still enough to shake him. Slowly, Killua allowed his right hand to make contact with his neck and he gently ran his fingers over the scars that his injury left behind. He then dropped his hand, allowing his arms to lay limply at his sides and stared into his reflection for a brief moment before turning his head away in disgust.  I can’t stand to look at myself. Killua thought with contempt.

As he walked out of the bathroom with a frown, Leorio looked up from his first aid kit, “ What’s wrong?” He asked with concern etched across his features. Killua pointed to his neck, “ This scar is huge.” Leorio waved his hand dismissively before he tucked away the kit back into his suitcase, “ Oh that? It’ll most likely go away on its own with time.” He assured him. With a sigh of relief, Killua sat down into the nearest chair and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure how true Leorio’s statement was but he just decided to go with it since the thought provided him with comfort. Plus Leorio was studying to become a doctor and that made Killua feel like he could trust his word even more.

Kurapika looked up from the book he was reading, having overheard the entire conversation, “ Not all scars disappear you know.” Killua opened his eyes and sat up, “ You don’t know that.” he replied defensively. Killua thought his scar would disappear in a couple months, he couldn’t imagine having the scar for a couple years . The thought of having that scar on his neck for an extensive amount of time made him feel uneasy. Kurapika closed his book and rolled up his left pant leg, exposing a large scar. It stretched from his kneecap all the way down to his ankle.  Is that why he never wears shorts? Killua thought as he gawked at the sight of it. 

Kurapika cleared his throat in an attempt to get his attention. Killua jolted at the sound and sat up straight in his chair as he met his gaze. With a sigh, Kurapika started explaining what happened, “ I got this when I was 5,” he began, laughing quietly to himself in a sad sort of way as if he was pitying himself, “ I’m almost 20 and it still hasn’t gone away.” Killua’s eyes widened slightly as he continued to eye the scar on his leg, “ How did you get it?” he asked out of curiosity. Rolling down his pants to conceal the scar, Kurapika paused for a second as he tried to remember, “ I got hurt climbing a tree,” he replied, picking up his book once more, “ I wanted to be seen as cool by the older boys in my neighborhood so I climbed to the very top to prove myself I guess.”

Leorio, having heard the conversation, sat on the nearest bed with a hint of interest in his eyes. He couldn’t help but feel invested in the story, “ And then what happened?” he asked, butting in the conversation. Kurapika turned a page in his book without making eye contact with the duo, “ Once I made it to the top, my foot slipped and I fell.” he winced at the memory but still continued. “ And on my way down, a branch scratched my leg up pretty bad and I couldn’t walk for a couple weeks.” Leorio raised his brows as he let out a high pitched whistle, “ The fact that you did that at 5 is pretty impressive.” 

It was such a bitter memory that the very thought of it began to make Kurapika feel uncomfortable. “ Isn’t Gon supposed to be stopping by soon?” he suddenly mentioned, changing the subject. As if on cue, they heard a quiet knock on their hotel door and Killua immediately raced over to open it. A smile formed on his lips the second he saw him. They had pretty much hung out everyday since Killua arrived on Whale island and yet this was the first time he noticed Gon’s subtle weight gain. He also noticed that upon seeing Gon, something was off and his smile faltered instantly.

Right as Killua opened his mouth to ask if he was okay, Leorio and Kurapika ran over to greet Gon as well. “ There he is!” Leorio said excitedly as he picked up Gon and spun him around, earning a laugh from him. When he finally put him down, he ruffled up Gon’s hair, “Have you gained weight?” Leorio beamed. Gon’s body tensed up instantly and he shyly looked away,  giving Leorio a half-hearted shrug in response. So, I hadn’t imagined the weight gain. Killua thought with a surge of joy. Kurapika nodded in agreement, “ You’re not wrong.” he mumbled in surprise as he looked Gon up and down very quickly.

Instantly Killua noticed a micro expression flash across Gon’s face when they made those comments. It was an expression mixed with embarrassment and sorrow. After Gon made that expression, it was hastily covered up with a nervous smile a couple seconds later. His countenance changed so quickly that no one else except Killua seemed to notice. It was obvious that Leorio and Kurapika had no ill intent behind their words. They wanted nothing but the best for him, especially since he was clearly going through a hard time. However, Gon was still affected by them calling out his weight gain and they were completely oblivious. Pulling Killua out of his train of thought, Gon laughed awkwardly as he reached over and wrapped his fingers around Killua’s wrist, gently tugging him out of the hotel room, “ We have to go now,” Gon said abruptly, ending the conversation.

“ Oh okay.” Leorio replied in understanding. “ See you guys later.” Kurapika said with a smile as he waved goodbye at the pair. Gon waved back and gave him a weak smile in return as he shut the door behind him. As they walked through the hallway that led towards the elevator, not a single word was exchanged between the two. Once they made it inside the elevator, Gon finally let go of Killua’s wrist and pushed the number 1, which led to the hotel lobby. As the elevator descended, Killua looked over at Gon and saw how he wore a serious expression. His body language was off and it was apparent that Gon was still thinking of the interaction he had with Leorio and Kurapika.

After two minutes, Gon finally broke the silence. “ Me and Ging had a fight a couple days ago.” he blurted out as they walked out of the elevator. Killua immediately looked over at him in concern. Although he was well aware of the rocky beginning Gon and his father had, Killua couldn’t help but feel taken aback. Ever since he came to whale island, he’d heard so much about how Ging was making more of an effort to get close to him. “What happened?” Killua asked quietly as they exited the hotel. 

For a while Gon didn’t respond and instead he dug his hands into his pockets as he stared at the ground. Killua watched him closely as he suddenly felt a twinge of regret. “ Sorry I shouldn’t have asked,” he muttered. Gon looked up at him, “ No, no it’s okay.” he assured him, “ It’s just that Ging said some things that…” his voice trailed off.

“ Hurt your feelings?” Killua replied, finishing his sentence. 

“ Exactly.” Gon replied as he swallowed the lump in his throat, “ We talked about Kite and he's aware that I still blame myself for what happened.” Killua’s eyes widened at his words. It had been so long since they’ve talked about anything in regards to the chimera ant war. It was just now dawning on Killua that Gon was still in mourning. 

Suddenly everything made sense. Gon’s lack of appetite, the nightmares, and his somber attitude. He was depressed. 

I’m such an idiot! Killua thought as he facepalmed, How could I not notice this before? Looking up, his cheeks immediately turned red when he realized Gon was watching him the whole time. As Killua let out a shaky sigh, he lowered his head to the ground in embarrassment, “ I’m sorry Gon...” he mumbled. “ I knew you felt guilty about Kite but I had no idea that’s why you were struggling this whole time.” 

Gon shrugged, “ It’s no big deal.” He replied dismissively. The last thing he wanted right now was more pity. Gon was sick and tired of people seeing him as damaged goods. He so desperately just wanted things to go back to normal already. 

Killua looked over at him, “ What else did Ging say?” he asked reluctantly. Gon sighed loudly in annoyance as he kicked a rock in his path, “ He thinks I’m going through a phase.” Killua cocked his head to the side in confusion, “ A phase?” 

“ He thinks my anorexia and depression are some sort of phase.” Gon elaborated with a frown. Killua felt himself recoil at the words anorexia and depression. It was painfully obvious that his best friend had been struggling with those mental disorders but hearing him finally admit to having it aloud was so jarring. Killua had only been on Whale island for almost two months now and the entire time he had been here, Gon would always deny having any issues. The fact that he was finally admitting his mental health struggles meant one thing.

He was finally making the first steps towards recovery. 

Yes, while there may have been some physical signs that he was recovering, i.e. his weight gain, admitting that there’s a problem alone is such a mighty accomplishment. Killua actually had to stop himself from smiling at this revelation since now was a really bad time to show any happiness. 

“ He also said that..” Gon’s voice trailed off as his throat suddenly closed up as he remembered the argument with his father. The look of Ging's annoyed expression was permanently branded into his mind and the very thought of it was enough to make Gon shudder. He finally seemed to be getting closer to his dad after not knowing him for years. All the times they would go fishing or have late night talks in the diner suddenly appeared to be for naught. Now they were barely talking because of some stupid argument. “ He also said that..” Gon repeated with a blank stare. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to talk about this anymore.

“What Gon?” Killua asked, urging him to finish his sentence.”What did he say?” he asked as he stopped walking to place a hand on his shoulder. Gon recoiled ever so slightly when Killua did this, halting their stroll. Looking straight ahead, Gon wore a sad expression on his face. 

“ He wants me to forgive myself for Kite’s death.” Before Killua could open his mouth to say anything else, Gon cut him off. 

“We’re here.” Gon said flatly. 

Killua removed his hand from Gon’s shoulder and looked at his surroundings. He had been so focused on the conversation, that he didn’t even realize that they had already made it to the children’s mental health treatment center. At the center you can receive therapy for all different kinds of mental health disorders ranging from anxiety to schizophrenia and everything in between. They offered inpatient care, where the patients have to stay there overnight and outpatient care for patients who simply come for therapy once or twice a week. 

Gon normally received outpatient care. The only reason why he was allowed to continue to live at home instead of the treatment center was because he was finally starting to improve. Despite the fact that Gon was still not fond of the idea of receiving therapy, something that he did like was that there were many different types of therapy to choose from. Such as art therapy or animal therapy. Most days Gon received regular counseling sessions and then afterwards he would participate in animal therapy.

Killua and Gon wasted no time entering the building and making their way to the waiting room. When Gon first began therapy, he begged Mito to let him walk by himself. Eventually, she gave in and allowed him to do so until Mito found out he had been skipping therapy all together. Now Gon was under close surveillance. Normally Mito and Ging would take turns walking him over and today was supposed to be Ging’s turn but ever since the argument they had a week ago Gon had been keeping his distance, hence the reason why his best friend was here to escort him instead.

As Killua sat in his chair, he leaned back, placing his hands behind his head as he put his feet on the coffee table. For a moment or two he stared at the ceiling, thinking back to the conversation they had. 

He wants me to forgive myself for Kite’s death.

Sitting up quickly and dropping his hands down at his sides, his sudden movements garnered a look of confusion from Gon. “ I’m sorry..Gon.” Killua whispered. Gon looked even more confused, “ Sorry for what? You didn’t do anyth-”

“ I’m sorry for everything you have been going through.” Killua replied, cutting him off without a second thought. “ I think..” he began, “ I think you should forgive yourself.” he said briskly. Looking over at Gon to see his reaction, Killua expected his face to be ridden with sadness but instead Gon looked relieved. “ You really think so?” he replied slowly. Killua nodded, “ You totally destroyed his murderer, remember?” he said with a laugh, “ If anything Kite is proud of you!”

Gon smiled for a brief moment and imagined Kite telling him that he was proud of him. After the thought vanished from his mind, his frown returned as he looked down at his hands. Killua, quickly sensing the shift in energy, shot Gon a pleading look. Silently begging him to let him know what was wrong. 

“ My nen..isn’t that strong anymore.” he replied almost as if he was reading Killua’s mind. Killua could only stare at him in shock as he continued to explain what happened. “ Ever since I was released from the hospital after the whole chimera ant fiasco, I noticed that my nen completely disappeared.” Gon flexed his fingers and then closed them into a fist. “ It took me months before I relearned some of the nen abilities that I lost and even now..” he let out a huge sigh,“My nen still isn’t as strong as before.” Gon said with a sad undertone in his voice.

“ Why didn’t you tell me?” Killua whispered. 

Gon felt his cheeks heating up at the question as he subconsciously began to pinch the skin on the side of his hand. It was a habit he recently adopted in an attempt to regulate his emotions. “ I was so used to being able to master things quickly, so when my nen disappeared..” Gon pinched his skin even harder before finishing his sentence, “ I felt so embarrassed.”  Killua nodded in understanding, “ No need to feel embarrassed.” He raked his fingers through his hair before choosing a single strand to focus on. As he started to twist the strand of his hair between his fingers he started talking again, “ You hurt yourself really, really bad.” The thought of him laying in the hospital bed was enough to make Killua feel past emotions rushing back to him but for Gon's sake he chose not to show any indication that he was sad even though he really wanted to.

Gon was so frail and on the verge of death. The overwhelming feeling of sorrow and uncertainty of whether or not he was even going to live was so unbearable at the time. The very thought made Killua feel faint, “ I was the one who asked Nanika to heal you.” Killua glanced over at him for a second before looking away, “ I didn’t know that would mean you would lose your nen.” Gon didn’t reply as he slumped down further into his seat. “ For that, I am sorry.” He said quietly. When Gon continued to stay silent, Killua shifted his body in his direction and cringed inwardly as he looked down to see Gon pinching himself. Without hesitation, Killua placed one of his hands on top of Gon’s, inhaling sharply when he felt the harsh coldness of his skin. 

“ Stop it.” Killua said firmly, “ You’re going to leave a bruise if you keep doing that.” Gon looked up at Killua to see the concerned look on his face and suddenly felt compelled to listen. Slowly, he released the skin between his thumb and index finger as Killua pulled his own hand away from Gon’s. Despite the fact that he had only been pinching his skin for a couple seconds, it had already left a light bruise. Gon was a bit surprised at this.

I didn’t mean to pinch myself that hard. 

Right when Killua opened his mouth to say something else, a loud voice spoke, causing both of them to freeze momentarily. “ Gon Freecs?” 

Gon looked up to see one of the nurses on staff standing at the door of the waiting room. It was Aya, one of his favorite staff members. She wore her blond hair in a low ponytail and clutched a clipboard to her chest as she patiently waited for Gon.

Gon gave Killua an apologetic look, “ I’ll be done in an hour.” he said hastily before running over to Aya. Killua groaned to himself when they both left the room. Now that he was alone he had no one to talk to. 

“ Hurry up Gon.” he said to himself with a sigh.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

In an attempt to enjoy this nice summer day, Ging decided to spend his morning outside while Abe tended to the shrubbery in front of the house. He initially tried to help his grandma, but quickly gave up when he realized that he definitely lacked a green thumb. If anything, he made more of a mess instead of actually helping. 

So now he just decided to enjoy the rest of his morning relaxing instead of gardening. Ging lay in the grass with his hands behind his head with his eyes closed as he tried to take a nap. As the minutes slowly inched by, it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so because his mind was crowded with thoughts of last week’s events . As he continued to lay there with his eyes closed, Mito came outside of the house carrying a laundry basket filled to the brim with wet clothing. When she spotted Ging laying in the grass, she placed the laundry basket on the porch and went back inside the house. Once Mito found what she was looking for, she exited the house clutching a bottle of sunscreen in her right hand. 

Walking past the laundry basket, Mito strode onto the grass in front of the house. Unbeknownst to Ging, she sat down next to him and opened the sunscreen, dabbing a bit of the contents from the bottle onto the palm of her hand. She giggled at the sight of her brother laying there as she reached over to put sunscreen on his face. Ging immediately sat upright once her hand made contact with his forehead. 

She giggled again at the sight of his bewildered expression. “ I brought you some sunscreen.” He gave her a look of appreciation as she reached over to hand him the bottle, “ Thanks.” Mito continued to sit there quietly as he wiped the sunscreen on his face and arms before handing back the bottle. When Mito tried to stand, Ging grabbed her arm and gently pulled her back onto the grass. “ What’s wrong?” she asked as she searched his face for some answers. 

Ging laid back down on the grass and silently watched as the clouds moved slowly in the sky. “ What should I do about Gon?” Mito cocked her head to the side in confusion. She was expecting anything but that. “ Whatever do you mean?” Ging turned his head to look at his sister with a faint look of surprise,” Haven’t you noticed that we’ve been distant?” Mito tilted her body back slightly, resting her body weight on her elbows as she stared off into the distance. 

Now that she really thought about it, she had noticed that they had been acting differently around each other. Throughout the whole week, the father-son duo hardly exchanged any words with each other and whenever Gon would walk into the same room as his father, he would even avoid looking at him. Ging was painfully aware of this and didn’t know how to fix it. He knew that this was all of his fault. Gon was already struggling with his mental health and Ging only made matters worse by being far too abrasive.

“ During the fishing trip I may have…hurt his feelings.” Ging said with a hint of shame in his tone. Mito sat up instantly and raised a brow, “ What did you say to him?” she asked with an edge to her tone. Ging twiddled his thumbs nervously as he avoided her gaze, “ I just said that it was time for him to move on from the whole Kite situation.”  With a sigh, he braced himself for her reaction before continuing, “ I yelled at him, told the kid that he needed to forgive himself…I was too harsh.”

Ging looked over at his sister and watched as her face fell, “ So what do you think I should do?” he inquired in a quiet voice. Mito thought for a moment before responding, “ You need to apologize.” Standing up, she dusted off her dress, “ I get that you meant well, but better words could have been used and a nicer tone would have sufficed.” Mito replied with a hint of anger in her voice. “ There was no reason to yell at the poor boy.” Ging stood up as well and together they both started to walk towards the porch. Right as Mito picked up the laundry basket, she turned to face him with an agitated look on her features. Wrapping her hand around his arm, she stopped Ging in his tracks and he turned to look at his sister, “ What?” 

Mito stared at him for a moment with a hard look on her face, “ Apologize .” Releasing her grip on his arm, she walked away, the laundry basket firmly in her grasp. Standing by the front door, he watched as his sister disappeared around the corner to hang up the laundry outside. Ging sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, “ Right.” he uttered quietly to himself before entering the house. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Now that Gon’s therapy session was over, Killua decided to walk Gon home so they could hang out once they got there. As they walked down the street, Killua swatted away a mosquito buzzing by his ear and grimaced when he started to feel sweat trickle down from his hairline. Today was one of the hottest days of the summer and the unbearable heat was starting to drive him insane. “ Gon, is it always so hot on this stupid island?” Killua said as he fanned his face with one hand. “ I know it’s summer but damn.”

Gon nodded, “ It’s always this humid around this time of year.” A couple of seconds later, Killua spotted a man walking down the street shirtless. A light bulb instantly went off in his mind. Smart ,  Killua thought with a smile. In an instant, he began to peel off his shirt. His body was so drenched in sweat that his shirt clung to him, making it harder to pull off. Once Killua finally got it off, he was overcome with relief. Glancing over at Gon, he gave him a smile, “Take off your shirt, you'll feel better.”  Gon’s head snapped up instantly. Subconsciously he wrapped his arms around his small frame, “ Oh..I don’t know.” he replied quietly as he stared at the ground. He watched as Gon shrunk into himself and Killua couldn’t help but feel his smile disappear. “Gon…it’s just me.” He said as he stopped walking. Gon refused to look at his best friend as he was grabbed by the shoulders and forced to face him. Killua winced as he noticed how uncomfortable Gon looked,“ I’m not your friend.” The words came so suddenly, that it felt like a punch to the gut. Gon looked up into Killua’s eyes with a horrified look on his face. His lip began to tremble upon hearing those words. “ What?” he said quietly. 

Killua smiled warmly with a faint blush on his cheeks,“ I’m your best friend.” Gon released all the air he was holding in at that moment and closed the gap between him and Killua, embracing him in a hug. “ Don’t scare me like that.” Gon replied in a quavering voice as he rested his head on Killua’s shoulder. Patting his back, Killua listened quietly as he heard Gon taking in shaky breaths. “ I won’t judge your body, I wouldn’t dare .” Gon pulled away from the hug and held out his pinky finger with an intense look on his face. “ Pinky swear.” 

Killua stared at his finger for a brief moment before interlocking his pinky with Gon’s. To be honest, he’s never done a pinky swear.  Luckily for him though, he remembered when Gon made a pinky swear with Palm so he had an idea of what he was supposed to do. “ I hereby swear that I will never ridicule you in any way.” he said in a monotone voice. Gon raised an eyebrow, “ And?” he replied expectantly. Killua’s mind went blank for a moment before he remembered the next part of the pinky swear song, “ And if I break my promise I have to stick a thousand needles in my eye." he continued in the same monotone voice.

Gon let out a laugh, earning a quizzical expression from Killua, “ You’re a little off and you were supposed to sing it but close enough.”  Killua looked surprised, “ Off? How? I said it correctly.” he said as he crossed his arms. Gon gave him an amused look, “ You’re supposed to say, ‘ I pinky swear so if I lie, you can stick a thousand needles in my eye.’ “ Gon replied in a sing-songy tone. Killua rolled his eyes playfully, “ Same thing,” he said with a shrug,” now take your shirt off, I know you’ve gotta be hot.” Gon hesitated for a brief moment before he finally did as he was told. Before he took his shirt off however, he placed the plastic bag that he was holding on the floor. 

Killua tilted his head in confusion. Where did that come from? He thought as he eyed the bag. By the time he looked up, Gon’s shirt was off and it was time to start walking again. On their way to his house, Killua snuck a couple glances at Gon’s body. It was no surprise that his abs were completely gone. What surprised him however, was how small he looked. Even though Gon had definitely gained some weight, he still had at least 20 or 30 pounds to gain before he looked normal again. Not only was he still sporting the gaunt look, but he was also lacking in stature. Killua used to be the same height as him and now he was at least 3 inches taller than he was. 

Gon was still the same height since he met him. Killua knew everybody grew at a different rate, but he couldn’t help but feel as if he was still the same height because he was lacking in nutrients. It’s either that or genetics. Killua figured. Ging isn’t necessarily that tall either so who knows. Gon felt Killua’s glances but didn’t say a word. It took every fiber of his being to ignore him. Instead, he tried keeping his mind occupied. Unfortunately for him, all he could think about was the therapy session he had today.

Gripping the plastic bag in his hand, all Gon could think about were the words exchanged between him and his therapist. So many tears were shed in such a short amount of time. It was, undoubtedly, the most intense therapy session he had to date. Normally whenever Gon had therapy he would typically beat around the bush instead of actually giving real answers. His therapist, Dr. Minato would ask questions such as "why do you refuse to eat?” and Gon would always give the same answer every time, “ I don’t know.” he would always say.  Even though he claimed to be unaware of the reason why, he knew exactly why he was doing it. One reason was because he wanted to punish himself for the sins he committed against Kite.

Kite died trying to protect him and Killua. That weighed heavily on his mind everyday. Everyone keeps telling him to let it go and to move on but that’s easier said than done. After doing therapy for a couple months now, Gon finally made the tough decision to finally open up. For the first time, he finally opened up a month ago. Gon figured that the only way to get out of therapy was to make progress. There were many layers that so desperately needed to be peeled back and there was no better time to start than the present. The first thing he talked about was his eating disorder. At the time, Dr. Minato was surprised that Gon was finally opening up and allowed him to unravel whatever feelings he was holding onto.

Two weeks after that, he also talked about Kite which was a challenge all on its own. Last week he talked about Ging and how they fought.  And today however, was the first time he uncovered much deeper wounds and put them on display. What happened to him 3 years ago was something that he refused to talk about with anyone. Even at 14 years-old, he still struggled to understand why. Why did he allow himself to fall prey to a predator?

Why him? 

Chapter Text

“ Can you explain how you felt afterwards?” Dr. Minato asked in an attempt to get more information out of him. As Gon leaned back in his seat, he gripped the armrests and stared at the floor. “ I-I felt…ashamed and dirty.” he replied in a small, shaky voice. “ I still feel that way.” Gon admitted. Dr. Minato scribbled into his notepad, “ Those feelings are common in sexual assault victims.” He said as he placed the notepad down on the coffee table, “ Experiencing something so traumatic at a young age can really affect someone in a negative way.” Dr. Minato crossed one leg over the other, “ It must’ve been so hard coming to terms with what you experienced.” 

Gon lifted his head slightly but still refused to look directly at him, “ Initially, I was really upset about what happened but then over time I forgot.” He wore a confused look on his face, “ I don’t know why but recently I remembered again.” Gon shut his eyes tightly and started digging his nails into his skin. As he recalled the past events, Gon suddenly felt her hands all over him again and within seconds, he soon became a crying, hiccuping mess. 

He had never broken down in front of Dr. Minato before and it felt humiliating. The worst part was that now that he started crying, he couldn’t get himself to stop. “ It was all my fault!” he exclaimed. “ I let her touch me and I shouldn’t have.” Dr. Minato grabbed the box of tissues and handed them over  to him. Gon stopped digging his nails into his skin and grabbed a handful of tissues before blowing into them aggressively. 

“ You were 11 and you couldn’t consent to what she did.” Dr. Minato assured him. Gon stood up momentarily to dump his tissues into the trash can before sitting back down. “ I still blame myself though.” He replied with a dejected look on his face. Grabbing his notepad, once more, Dr.Minato scribbled down more notes before looking at his patient,“ It’s not your fault.” Gon looked at him with an expression that was hard to read before shaking his head, “ W-What? I don’t understand.” 

“It’s not your fault.” Dr. Minato repeated, “ You had no control over the situation,” he reminded him. Gon stood up from his chair, “ But I did! I-” Dr.Minato put his hand up, signaling for him to stop talking. “ Did you give her permission to touch you?”

Gon’s eyes widened, “ W-What?” 

“ Did.You.Give.Her.Permission.To.Touch.You?” He repeated, enunciating every word. Gon slumped down into his chair and mumbled a response. Dr. Minato raised his hand to his ear, “ What was that?”

“ I said no!” Gon exclaimed.

 “ Of course you didn’t.” His therapist replied with a frown, “ And even if you did, you would still be a victim regardless.” Gon tilted his head to the side but said nothing. Sensing his confusion, Dr. Minato decided to explain, “ If you’re under the age of 18 you legally cannot consent to any sexual acts with an adult.” 

Gon didn’t notice as more tears came, “ I never wanted to do anything with her.. I-I just wanted to show her around Whale Island.” His therapist leaned back in his chair slightly as he placed a hand on his chin, indicating that he was deep in thought, “ Do you always do that?”

Gon tilted his head to the side, “ Do what?”

“ Are you always helping newcomers find their way around this island?” He elaborated. Gon thought for a moment, “ I used to do it all the time until I met her.” Dr. Minato scribbled down more notes, “ Did any of the other newcomers assault you in the past?” Gon’s eyes widened as he slowly shook his head , “ No that was the only time.”  Dr.Minato looked up from his notepad with an incredulous look on his face, “ Are you certain? None of the other women tried touching you in any way or…” his voice trailed off as he waited for a response. 

Gon racked his brain for any possible memories he could be forgetting, “ Well there was this other lady who kissed me on the cheek.” he said with a nonchalant expression.  Dr. Minato tensed up in his seat when he heard his reply, “ How did you feel after that happened?” Dr. Minato asked with an expression ridden with worry. Gon shrugged, “ It didn’t bother me, she was just being nice.” 

Dr. Minato looked up at the ceiling for a second as he tried to gather his thoughts, “ But you said your abuser kissed you too and that made you feel uncomfortable.” he reminded him. Gon shuddered at his words. The very thought of Akira kissing him was enough to make him feel sick. His stomach began to churn as he gave a response, “ When that happened it felt different.” Gon explained, “ It wasn’t a friendly kiss…it was different.” he said as his cheeks heated up from embarrassment. His therapist raised a brow but said nothing. 

The more Dr.Minato listened to Gon talk, the more he realized the kid had never been properly informed on what was appropriate and what wasn’t. There’s no way that the other newcomer who kissed him on the cheek had pure intentions. Dr.Minato started to worry so much more had happened to Gon and he was simply too innocent to realize it himself. “ You said the kiss was different when your abuser did it?” 

“ Yes.” he replied quietly. “ I don’t know…she kissed me in a weird way.” Gon tried to find the proper word to explain what type of kiss it was. He had been educated on this before by one of the women who he helped around Whale island but he couldn’t remember at the moment. Finally after a couple seconds, he snapped his fingers when he came to the realization, “ It was a french kiss.” Dr. Minato’s eyes widened slightly as he scribbled down more notes before placing his notepad back on the coffee table. “ By the way, I just want to let you know that the lady who kissed you on the cheek was most likely a predator as well.” 

Gon looked confused, “ How? She gave me a kiss to thank me for showing her around, it wasn’t at all like the other time.” Dr. Minato shook his head, “ She was a grown woman and you were still a child.” Gon tilted his head to the side, feeling more oblivious than ever.  “ A random person should not be touching you in any way.” Dr.Minato explained.  He watched as Gon slowly started to realize what he was trying to say, “ You think that woman..” his voice trailed off and didn’t even bother to finish his sentence.“ Assaulted you too? Yes I do.” Dr. Minato said with a steady tone. “ All kisses should be consented, and legally you can’t consent to anything.” 

Gon felt his heart sink to his stomach. He never understood that cheek kisses could even be inappropriate. He never knew there was a difference at all. He always thought that one lady was being nice to him. He never knew she might possibly be like Akira too. “ Would you care to share what else happened when you showed the other older women around Whale Island?” Dr. Minato said, helping Gon regain his focus. 

So he told him everything. 

Gon talked about all the things the women taught him and all the other times the women would take advantage of his innocence. His therapist cringed at his words but refused to show it in order to remain professional. Turns out his suspicions were right. Gon had been assaulted before he met Akira. He just didn’t realize it. Gon admitted more than once that the women were normally touchy with him and he thought it was normal. To him, Lingering hugs didn’t raise any alarm bells and neither did the lustful stares. He was an innocent child, and never picked up on any of it.

The only time he felt truly uncomfortable was when Akira molested him. He had never been touched down there and it was so sudden and very confusing for an 11 year-old. He didn’t understand why he felt so disgusting during and after the molestation or why his body actually reacted to her touch. All of it was very foreign. The day that he was molested was the day he realized that it felt good to touch down there. He didn’t like it while it was happening of course but a couple weeks after the assault, he grew more curious about his body and decided to try and see if he would get that same feeling again. 

Sure enough it worked. Every now and then he would touch himself to feel something, anything and every time after he was finished, he would cry himself to sleep. It was so triggering yet so addicting and he didn’t understand why. He never told Mito about his discovery because he felt awkward even approaching her about the subject. For years He just kept it all to himself. Due to the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable asking about it, Gon never truly understood what he was doing. 

True, while he may have been taught some stuff by those women, he had never been taught about masturbation at all. He just knew that he felt funny after he was touched by Akira. It was a feeling he never got before. The fact that it felt good made him feel more confused. He felt disgusting after the assault so why did he also get that warm and fuzzy feeling when it happened? After Gon explained his internal struggles, his therapist reassured him that what he experienced was normal. “Sometimes when someone is taken advantage of sexually, they can still experience some pleasure during the assault.” 

Gon looked surprised but said nothing as he allowed his therapist to continue, “ It doesn’t mean the victim likes it though, it’s normal for your body to react that way.” he assured him. In that moment Gon let out the biggest sigh of relief. For so long, he thought there was something wrong with him. He always felt extremely confused by the entire situation and the fact that his therapist had finally provided him with clarity made him feel elated. Gon stared at the ground as he struggled to ask Dr.Minato another question, “ Then why do I..” his voice trailed off as his face turned bright red. With a deep breath, he forced out the rest of the question, “ do that to myself?” 

Dr. Minato looked confused, “ Do what to yourself?” Gon gulped as his eyes practically bore a hole into the floor, “ Why do I..touch myself?” his face felt very hot.“ I started doing it two weeks after..you know.” He lowered his head in shame, “ And I haven’t been able to stop.” 

“ When someone goes through something extremely traumatic and disempowering like assault, some victims use masturbation or even sex as a way to regain control over their body,” he explained. When Gon stayed silent, his therapist took that as a sign to keep talking, “ Also since we’re on the subject of the effects of sexual assault…” Dr. Minato’s voice trailed off as he pulled out a white plastic grocery bag from behind his chair. Gon's eyes flitted between the plastic bag and his therapist’s face with a confused look. “ I believe these shorts belong to you.” Dr. Minato said as he stood up and handed Gon the bag. 

Gon grabbed the bag with a bewildered look on his face, “ Shorts? What are you-” Stopping himself mid sentence, the memories came back to him in a flash. He had completely forgotten that he wet himself the day he saw Akira in the waiting room. He completely forgot he left his wet shorts behind in the clinic. That day his mind was in such a frenzy that he didn’t even realize he had misplaced his shorts. Suddenly he felt sick and threw the plastic bag down before running over to the trashcan across the room. Gon fell to his knees as he spilled out the contents of his stomach into the small trash can. Dr. Minato’s eyes widened as he watched the scene play out in front of him. 

“ Gon, are you alright?!” he shouted with a troubled look on his face. As Gon finished retching into the trash can, he stood up and wobbled a bit before grabbing a tissue to wipe his face. “ I’m fine.” he replied, his voice sounding a little raspy from all the vomiting. Gon threw away the tissue and sat back down, curling up his body into a fetal position on the cushioned armchair before closing his eyes and lying his head against the armrest. 

“ We can stop if you-”

“ I’m fine, just give me a second.” Gon replied without opening his eyes. For a couple minutes, Gon laid there without saying a word. Dr. Minato thought he was asleep for a moment until he finally opened his eyes and sat up. “ How do you feel? Are you sure you want to continue with this session?” Gon nodded without saying a word.  “ Would you care to explain what happened?”  Gon hesitated as he started pinching himself. Taking in deep breaths, he tried to desperately calm his nerves. “ What did I say about doing that Gon?” Dr. Minato said in a harsh tone. Looking up at his therapist, he shot him a befuddled glance in his direction for a couple seconds before looking down at the floor again. “ Doing what?” he replied in a monotone expression. 

“ Stop hurting yourself.” 

Gon looked up with a horrified look on his face as he removed his hand from his arm, “ S-Sorry.” In a flash he stood up from the chair, making sure to grab the plastic baggie with his pee stained shorts inside before making his way to the door, “ Maybe I should leave after all.” he decided.  Dr. Minato’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly but he decided not to protest, “ Very well.” As he placed his hand on the doorknob, his therapist stopped him once more, “ I just thought you should know,” he began, as he stood up from his chair to put his notes on his desk,  “ Legally I cannot withhold the information of the assault from your parents or the authorities.” 

Gon’s heart started beating faster at his words, “ What?” his breath became hitched in his throat. “ But on our very first therapy session you told me what happens in this room stays in this room, remember?” he reminded him with a trembling voice. Dr. Minato nodded before exchanging a sad expression with his young client, “ That I did say.” He confessed, “ However, you’re a minor and your safety is my top priority.” Gon’s face quickly changed from hurt to anger, “ You promised!” he spat as hot tears streamed down his face. “ A-And you’re never supposed to break a promise!” 

Dr. Minato felt a twinge of guilt. He did promise. Unfortunately, in situations like this, he was forced to report the situation. Especially since he was so young. For a couple seconds it was dead silent in the room except for the sounds of Gon crying. Suddenly, Dr.Minato got an idea, “ Fine I won’t tell your parents.”  Gon continued wiping his tears and sniffed, “ Liar.” he whispered. 

“ No, I mean it.”  His therapist replied in a steady tone. “ I won’t tell them.” Gon stopped crying long enough to look him in the eye. He wasn’t sure what to think at this point so he decided not to say anything.

Dr. Minato pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose,“ I won’t tell them.. because you will."

“Gon.” 

Upon hearing his name, he didn’t react. The events from today's therapy session was still etched into his mind. Gon was aware that his friend was calling out to him but he was too deep in thought to even register what was happening. With a loud groan of annoyance, Killua slammed down his video game controller, instantly bringing Gon back to the present. “ Ugh! This game is no fun if you won’t even play with me!” he exclaimed, as he crossed his arms with a pouty look on his face. Gon blinked, not even realizing the iron grip he had on his own controller. “ Huh?”

Killua sighed loudly, “ You promised that once we got to your house that we could play video games together.” he crossed his legs and brought up his arm, resting his head against his palm, “ But you’ve been completely out of it since we got here.”  Gon frowned, “ Yeah... right, I’m sorry.” Instead of looking Killua in the eye, he cast his eyes downwards and chose to focus on the scar on his neck instead, “ Does it hurt?” he asked, changing the subject.

Killua looked confused for a moment before realizing that he was talking about his scar. Suddenly he felt self conscious, “ No it’s all healed.” he replied as he raised his hand to cover it. “ How did you get it anyway? You never told me what happened to you.” Gon said with a curious expression upon his features. Killua’s face reddened slightly as he remembered the panic attack he had. Looking away from Gon, he spotted the white plastic bag once again, sitting on the floor underneath Gon’s desk. There was no way in hell that he would admit what happened, unless…

“ I’ll only tell you what happened if you tell me what’s in the bag.” On the way back from Gon’s therapy session, he asked Gon to tell him what was in it and he refused to spill the beans. Because he was so secretive about it, it only sparked Killua's curiosity even more.

 Gon tried to remain nonchalant, “ What bag?” he replied. In a flash Killua was standing by Gon’s desk, “ That bag.” He pointed to the white bag underneath his desk. Gon could no longer hide how he truly felt, “ NO!” Killua flinched slightly when he raised his voice, making Gon immediately feel guilty. “ I mean, I’m sorry I can’t tell you.” Killua walked away from the desk and took a seat beside Gon on the floor. Without saying a word, he picked up his controller and started the game again. Gon felt relieved that he dropped the subject and happily played with Killua. This time, Killua was the one whose mind was elsewhere. 

Right when Killua was about to beat Gon, Aunt Mito appeared in the doorway, “ Boys! Time for lunch!”  Both of them jumped at the sound of her voice and gigged amongst each other. “Okay!” they replied in unison before racing past her and speeding down the stairs. “Last one there is a rotten egg!” Killua said as he was going down two steps at a time. 

Gon smiled,“ Oh, you’re on!” 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Using her fingers, she combed through his hair while she hummed a lullaby that she always used to sing to Gon when he was a baby. It had been a couple weeks since he had a nightmare, so Mito was caught by surprise when she caught him standing by her door at 1 am in the dark narrow hallway on her way to the bathroom.  

Mito was sitting up with her back resting against her bed frame as Gon laid his head on her lap with the blanket pulled up to his chin. His aunt yawned, bringing a hand to her face before looking at her nephew’s face only to see that much to her surprise, he was still wide awake. Glancing over at the clock she frowned. An hour had passed and he was still up. “Gon?” she whispered, as she stroked his face lovingly. He pretended not to hear her. “ Sweetheart, you need to go to bed.” 

Silence. 

“ If you don’t plan on falling asleep, I’m going to have to ask you to lea-” 

“NO!” he yelled, quickly sitting up and wrapping his arms around her. “ I don’t want to be alone, Aunt Mito please!” Her eyes widened for a couple seconds before she began to rub his back in circles to ease his nerves“ Alright.” she replied softly. For a couple minutes they sat in her bed while hugging before Gon broke the silence. 

“ Aunt Mito?”

She continued to run her fingers through his hair as he held onto her,“ Hmmm?” Gon hesitated as he contemplated what he was going to say next. “ C-Can I tell you something?” he whispered. His heartbeat was so loud that he could practically hear it in his ears. For three years, Gon held onto all this pain. For three years, he so desperately tried to block out his trauma. For three years…he was too scared to tell anyone.  He couldn't even bring himself tell his Aunt Mito.

Mito.

How he loved her dearly. 

Over time, Gon had grown to loathe himself for not being able to tell her. He loathed himself even more for confiding in his therapist before confiding in the woman who he claimed as his mother. They always talked about everything together. So why was it so hard to talk about this one thing? The fact that he kept it a secret from her made him feel a vast array of emotions. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, and…sadness. 

When Gon sat up to look her in the eye, Mito could immediately see that something was wrong. He wore that same broken look that he had on his features the night that he got assaulted. “ Gon? What is it?” she asked in a panic. He lowered his head in shame before finally deciding to speak. “ Remember that night when..” his voice trailed off as he broke out into a cold sweat. As his hands started to shake, he balled his hands into fists to stop himself from doing so. 

Mito instantly placed her hand on his when she saw him shaking. Little did she know, this small act gave him the courage to continue. Gon took a deep breath, “ Remember that night when I came home late, three years ago?” Mito searched through her memories in hopes that she could remember what he was talking about. Suddenly it came to her, “ I believe so, you came home with a handprint on your cheek. You never did tell me what happened by the way.” she said with a sad undertone in her voice.

That night, Mito knew something was wrong but she couldn’t put her finger on it. The next day, she questioned him again and Gon acted as if nothing had happened. For days, weeks, months, she wondered what really happened that day after they got separated from each other and he refused to talk about it. Gon fidgeted under her stare, “ I know..but you made me promise that I would tell you when I was ready.” Mito nodded as she remembered the past events but she remained silent. Gon took in several deep breaths before continuing, “ Something...happened that night.” he said in a shaky voice. Mito looked concerned, “ What happened?” she asked as her heart began to beat faster.
 

Squeezing his eyes shut, he decided to finally just spit it out. So he told her everything. He told her about Akira and how she touched him. He also mentioned all the older women who taught him stuff when he showed them around Whale Island. He talked about why he struggled with eating sometimes and how he was still grief stricken after losing Kite. Gon also told her about how Akira threatened to punish him if he ever told anybody about what she did to him. 

For the first time since he was sexually assaulted, he felt exposed once again. Disgust and shame was all he could feel for months after it happened and even years after he still felt the same way. When he finally told Dr. Minato about what happened, it made him realize that Akira wasn’t the first person to assault him. There were other women before that too. It just wasn’t as bad as what Akira did so he thought that the other times were okay. As a small child, Gon wasn’t educated well on “good touch” and “bad touch” which resulted in him getting into plenty of other scenarios where he was taken advantage of. 

In an instant, Mito wrapped her arms around him and started crying. Hard. For many years, Mito always wondered if she was fit to be a parent. For many years, she wondered if Ging made the right decision to leave him with her. Now after 14 years she finally had her answer. 

She was the worst parent alive.

As a parent you’re supposed to do 4 basic things. Feed, Clothe, house, and protect. Mito felt so inadequate for not being able to protect him from having his innocence stolen away so young. Her sobs grew louder and louder as she hugged him even tighter. There was no way she was ever going to forgive herself for committing such a horrible sin. “ It was all my fault Aunt Mito. I should’ve never let her touch me.” 

Pulling away from him, she gently grabbed his face, forcing Gon to look into her eyes. Gon gasped at the sight of her. Her nose was beginning to run and her eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. “ Don’t you dare say that!!” she yelled angrily. Gon's lip trembled slightly,“ But Aunt Mito, it is my fau-” 

 “NO IT’S NOT!!” 

Gon flinched violently at her words as he watched his aunt breathe heavily from anger. After a couple seconds she released her grip on his head and looked away as more tears streamed down her face. “ It’s not your fault…it’s mine.”, Her voice broke on the last word. “ It’s all my fault.” Gon’s face fell as he watched how distraught she had become. He had never seen her so upset before. 

“ I let you out of my sight and someone took advantage of you because of it.” She cupped his face with one hand and lovingly rubbed his cheek with her thumb. Gon slowly leaned into her touch, “ Aunt Mito..” he mumbled as he watched more tears slip out of her eyes.  “ If I knew this happened to you, I would’ve never let you become a hunter.” Mito admitted. Gon immediately pulled away from her and furrowed his brows in confusion, “ What? Why?!” he asked frantically. Aunt Mito hugged herself as she stared at the bedsheets, “ Because I would’ve been scared of somebody else hurting you.” she sniffed, quickly wiping  her tears away. “ I should’ve done a better job of protecting you.” 

Gon instinctively pulled his aunt into a hug, which she gratefully returned. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, hugging in silence until it was time for bed. As Gon slept peacefully on the other side of the bed, Mito struggled to do the same. Her mind kept going back to their dreadful conversation. 

“ I have to tell Ging.” she whispered to herself as she watched the rise and fall of Gon’s chest. Lord knows how he would react to this newfound information. As the minutes kept passing by, she eventually closed her eyes and before long, she too joined him in slumber.