Archive of Our Own ^beta

Shara was laying in her bed, wide awake, and not wanting to go to sleep yet. Chloe lay next to her, asleep.

It felt so easy for Chloe, and maybe that wasn’t fair for Shara to think, but that’s how it felt. Like it was easy for her to be herself, be confident in herself, all those things. All those things that Shara wasn’t yet, and maybe never would be.

What felt easiest for Chloe at least, was that her parents didn’t have any issues with her being with another girl. All while Shara’s parents still refuse to acknowledge that she’s with Chloe. Shara was happy about it, to an extent. Of course she wanted her parents to be okay with this, and of course she wanted them to stop throwing their religion in her face, but she wasn’t bitter about Chloe’s parents being who they were and happy with who Chloe was.

Part of her wanted nothing more than to throw passages from the Bible in her parents' faces. Passages about loving thy neighbour. Passages about how withholding love from anyone isn’t how it’s meant to be. Passages about loving everyone the way God loves us.

She had the passages near memorized for whenever she got the courage to remind her parents. Not that they would listen. She can’t really control how her parents take anything she says, but she can control what she says, and how.

It took forever for Shara to even admit to herself who she was and the type of people she likes. She didn’t know how long it would take her parents to come around to it, if they ever did, but she hoped they would. If she could come around despite her initial guilt about it, then maybe they could too. And she wanted to hold out for that to happen.

Chloe rolled over in her sleep, wrapping her arm around Shara, while Shara just smiled and went back to her thoughts.

It was still early in their relationship, and Shara still wasn’t confident with anything. At the very least, she wanted to be allowed to kiss her girlfriend without feeling like she was letting someone down. Without feeling like she was letting Him down.

The longer she spent around Chloe, the less connected she felt with her religion, and the more she wanted to simply believe in Chloe, believe in them together. As days went on, she believed more in her love than in someone her parents told her to believe in. Not that she wanted to completely give up her religion. She still wanted that same stability it had given her for her whole life. She just didn’t want to only rely on that for stability.

She wanted to rely on Chloe too.

On their love.

As much as Shara didn’t believe her parents when it came to what would happen to her for following her heart, following who she loved, the threat of damnation still haunted her some days. And as unfair as it was, when she felt herself start going down that route, she thought bitterly that at least she wouldn’t be alone if that was the case.

The thought still scared her, but she chose not to dwell on it most days since there really wasn’t anything she could do about it. If according to the Bible, the thought of sin is just as bad, then not acting on it won’t mean much for her case. So she mind as well just try to live her life in a way that she sees fit.

And being next to Chloe?

Nothing felt more fit than that.

Nothing felt more like a religious experience than getting to be with Chloe whenever she could.

Just then, Chloe woke up, as if she could hear Shara’s thoughts, even in her sleep.

Opening her eyes, she took a quick glance at Shara before yawning and sitting up. “You look frustrated. You wanna talk about it?”

“Did you ever deal with… I mean going to a school like ours-”

“Internalized homophobia?” Chloe finished for her when Shara stopped abruptly.

Letting out a breath, Shara only said, “I guess?”

Chloe shook her head. “Not really. Having two moms kinda helped with that. It did suck having so many people at the school telling me I’m going to Hell for simply… loving people. That doesn’t feel right.”

“Did you ever believe them?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

Shara wouldn’t look at Chloe. She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to know her reaction.

“Sometimes.” Chloe wrapped her arms around Shara, now having at least an idea of what was going on. “I try not to let it consume me, though. It’s just the thoughts from ideas bigots have about the world and what’s beyond, versus what I know is the truth about myself and the world around me. Being bi could affect my chances of some things, but that’s only if homophobes get in power, and that’s not exactly a guarantee.

What comes after this life isn’t a guarantee either. There’s no telling that homophobic religious folks are right about all, just like there’s no guarantee that I’m right about what happens after. It’s just whatever makes each person feel better about themselves and their beliefs. Nothing is set in stone quite yet.”

“You don’t think we’ll go to Hell for this?”

“I don’t.”

“Do you think we’ll still make it to Heaven?”

Chloe shrugged. “Isn’t there some population limit to how many people can make it to Heaven?” Shara nodded, vaguely remembering the passage she was talking about. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. But I don’t want to spend my life stressing over whether I’ll go to Heaven or Hell. I’d rather worry about what happens to me here, on Earth.”

“How do you get over the fear of damnation? If that’s where most of us will end up anyway…”

Chloe racked her brain, thinking of anything to say that would feel at all comforting. “Like I said, I try not to think of it.” She let out a small laugh. “But… I don’t think it would be that bad. I mean hey. If being queer is what gets me into Hell, then at least I’ll be surrounded by like minded people. If it really is the case that straight bigots have a better chance at Heaven, then at least I won’t have to deal with them anymore.”

Shara nodded. She didn’t like the idea of going to Hell, obviously. Who would? But Chloe had a way of making her slightly less nervous about it.

“Maybe we get some sleep? Sleep away the fear for tonight and we can maybe talk about it more tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Maybe that’s a good idea.”