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“Oh- oh my god.. those are.. dead bodies.”
“Cowabummer.”
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From this day on, the act of standing in an alley will be irrevocably linked to homosexuality to her.
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One surefire way to get your cat to stop purring is to show him a puddle of human blood- unless your cat is Beans, in which case doing such a thing would be nothing but presenting a snack.
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Relaxing on his couch, Adam groaned when he heard a knock at the door.
“Hello?” He called, receiving no verbal response. The only clue that his words had been heard was the increased rate of knocks at the door.
“I’m coming, chill!”
Getting up, Adam opened the door.
“There’s… no one here?” He questioned. Glancing to see if he had missed anything, Adam’s gaze latched on to a small box placed neatly on his doorstep.
“Odd, I could’ve sworn I hadn’t placed any orders recently,” Adam mused, regarding the small package with suspicion. He also didn’t have any clients today as far as he was aware.. Due to his… less than legal employment, Adam prided himself on his situational awareness. That being said, there was always one person able to slip between even his sturdiest defenses unnoticed.
“I swear to god if this is another one of shitty Sam’s pranks I’ll murder him,” He muttered, crouching down to pick up the parcel. In it lay yet another Erotic Gnome Candle. Adam cried.
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Nathan lives a quiet life, his free time mostly spent maintaining his microwave-themed aquarium shop
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[REDACTED] did not like grapes. It also didn’t like seeing it’s best friend be blown up in a helicopter only to subsequently become Jesus Christ.
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Actually, she had never really put too much thought into it. “Hey,” Sarah said, turning to [REDACTED]. “If you had to bludgeon someone to death with a door, do you think they would be more accepting of it if they liked the look of the door?” She paused. “Wait, now that I’m thinking about it, wouldn’t it be even better if they got to pick out the door? I mean, I may not be a great point of comparison for literally anything, but I’d feel a hell of a lot better if the door I was gruesomely murdered by was a pretty one.”
[REDACTED] merely shrugged. “I don’t know why you’re asking me. I’m not exactly human myself, and as such, I doubt my preferences would be particularly indicative of the common human opinion.”
“Fair enough.”
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“He’s as homeless as I was before I invented money!”
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“Hey Daniel, remember that time a Honda Civic jumped me in a 5-below parking lot?”
“No”
“Oh okay”
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“Sarah dear, why is your father in a straitjacket in this photo?” Anna asked, worry lacing her tone.
“Huh?” She glanced at the photograph her aunt held in her hand. “Oh, that!” Sarah’s eyes lit up in recognition. “That’s from when papa was sold to the French Mafia!”
Anna sighed. You’d think she’d have learned to stop questioning her niece after the helicopter incident. “When and why exactly was my brother,” she pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing. “sold to the French Mafia? And why do you have a picture- you know what, I don’t even want to know.”
Sarah just grinned
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“I’m not like other girls, I wash my clothing in a microwave,” Sam declared.
“That’s not a fucking flex dude wtf?” Adam’s face contorted into an expression of sheer disbelief. “How do you even wash something in a microwave??? Is this why your house burnt down?????”
“Nah that’s my dryer”
“??????????????”
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“Elliott..” Anna’s worried voice drifted to him, and he shifted his attention to the hallway from which she was approaching. “Are you truly sure about this? Sarah is only eleven after all- isn’t that a bit young for such a thing?”
Elliott paused, recalling a time during his youth when he had slain a lesser manifestation of Cthulhu’s avatar with the help of the French mafia.
”Yeah,” he stated confidently, “she should be fine.”
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During the yearly board meeting, only one thing was on any of the higher-up’s minds; the French mafia and their rapidly growing finances (as well as the increasingly odd excuses provided as an explanation. Seriously, did anyone believe their so very clearly fabricated story about being hired by an inordinately rich child to take out the lesser manifestation of an eldritch being?)
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Sorry sir, but ur gay *starts default dancing* *runs off into woods*
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“You know what?” His voice rang out. “I give up. This is all quite frankly absurd, and all of you are insane. I can’t do this anymore.”
Elliott then proceeded to turn into a tree.
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Uninvolved? [z] was an uninvolved party? How could [z] possibly be an uninvolved party when they had taken [y]? [y] was all [z] had left, the only thing [z] loved, the only thing keeping [z] in this world . [z] would do anything for [y], and [x] knew that. So how could [x] possibly- how-... [z] wanted to cry.
"[x]," [z]'s voice echoed with disbelief, an undertone of despair lacing every spoken word. " You of all people should understand-" [z] broke off, a strangled sob forcing its way from [z]'s throat. "They took [y]. They took [y] and I couldn't fucking stop them."
[x] sighed, crossing the room to place [x] hand on [z]'s shoulder in a seemingly comforting gesture. "I understand [z], but you will survive. I raised you to be strong enough to survive this."
[z] let out a low, wet chuckle. "Yes [x], I will survive. But without [y], I will never live .”
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“Why are apples and bananas considered rival fruits? Why not apples and lemons? Even apples and grapes would make more sense…”
“What the fuck are you even talking about.”
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“I am going to replace every single object in your house with xanthan gum whilst you meander about the world. I am going to perfectly recreate every single piece of furniture in your posession with gum, and you will never be able to tell the difference by sight alone. All of your furniture that is, except your bed. I shall replace your bed with one singular wrapped piece of gum, so that you may lie upon that bed which you oh so gleefully made.”
“Please don’t”
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“Currently, my thirst for knowledge outweighs both my fear of human experimentation and my hatred of paedophiles,” Sarah stated, completely unprompted.
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“Hypothetically, is it bad to drink 46 fluid oz of pineapple juice out of a can at once?” Daniel asked
“Yes,” [REDACTED] stated in a monotone voice. “Yes it is.”
Daniel was a bit insulted that [REACTED] didn’t even sound surprised, though he didn’t take it too hard, considering [REDACTED] had only ever been seen actually emoting around Sarah.
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Sam wonders how large the wrappings of a sausage made of children would be.
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Sam’s fish quite frequently unlocked his phone. This is exceedingly odd, as not only did Sam not own a fish, but as far as he was aware fish did not have arms, or legs for that matter. He also had never seen one breathe air, but that wasn’t something he put much stock into considering That Time With The Asparagus.
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Elliott still hadn’t fully recovered from that one time Sarah went on a several-hour rant about how much she despised Nathaniel Hawthorne
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“I am the textbook example of a philanthropist,” he said, nudging the bodies of multiple orphans behind him in a totally not suspicious manner at all.
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Daniel threw his hands in the air. “Time to get frostbite out of pure spite because I grew up with no familial love!” He exclaimed joyously, then proceeded to run face first into a brick wall.
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She autismed so hard she invented the concept of death itself, then proceeded to constantly defy it at every possible opportunity (much to her own dismay).
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The hidden door swung open to reveal hundreds, if not thousands, of rubber ducks. ‘One for each woman that rejected me!’
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Greg lived a peaceful and good life. That is until he was tricked into becoming the owner of a massive MLM scheme. (It wasn’t his fault, not really. He doesn’t think anyone would’ve expected that the nice old lady next door who often mistook him for her grandson would end up being the owner of such a large scam, or that she would name him as the one to inherit the majority of her assets upon death).
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In a different part of the city two men wearing rat costumes were sitting backstage at a cosplay competition.
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“So, are you a summoner, small woman?”
“No, I’m the water lord.”
“Who wrote this magic system??”
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They rounded a corner in the dark hallway of the building. “So that room is where we have meetings, and over there is where we do evil.”
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“Do you have any alleys to crouch totally heterosexually while brooding dramatically around here?” He asked.
“Oh, do we ever!”
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Somewhere in grishaverse purgatory, a consumptive Victorian sat in a cafe carefully gluing his eyebrows back on.
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He stood and left after two more coughing fits and a brief existential crisis.
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Despite his rather plain appearance, he was known best for his void-like eyes, pools of an endless darkness devoid of both feeling and empathy birthed from the depths of hell.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local Man Waits 30,000 Years, Utilizes Power of Fanfiction and Bullshit to Beat Up God. (Some Sources Note They Might Be Exes)
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Since they knew no other way to take pills, the rat dropped them back into the
Costco medication bucket (1,200 pills for $20! What a steal!)
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One of the envelopes is suspiciously blank. There’s no name or address, or anything really to indicate who the letter’s intended for, let alone who the sender could’ve been. Out of curiosity, Sam opens the letter and is taken aback by what he sees, as the letter is filled with beans. ‘What the actual fuck’, he thinks. How would that many beans even fit there? The envelope was flat, and beans most certainly weren’t.
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Adam groaned, dropping on to the couch next to Sam. He forgot they didn’t own a couch though, so he really just fell directly on the floor and looked rather stupid.
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"Why, whatever do you mean?” Greg asked. “I am perfectly fine, so there is no need to worry.”
Seeing as Greg was still actively bleeding out, Anna decided not to believe him.
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"Yeah, sorry I can’t come in to work today, I broke my femur."
“WHAT?"
"Ah- spiritually that is."
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“Haha loser you only know 4% of the future”
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“YOU’VE POISONED ME!”
He sighed. “Poison is really just a question of different perspectives.”
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Sarah stared up at the figure. “Are you god?” She questioned. Really, she was quite curious. After all, this didn’t seem like the kind of thing you got to ask every day.
The figure froze for a little while, as if pondering the question. “Probably?” a pause. “I mean,“ it hurriedly added, as if noting her flat expression, “I never really thought about it y’see-“
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“Karl,” Daniel chided. “You can’t just commit identity theft as a coping mechanism.”
“Oh well fuck you too then,” Karl glared. “I’m not ‘coping,’ I’m perfectly mentally sound!”
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He then summons a giant fuck off dragon.
“Fuck off,” he says.
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At the end of every class day everyone except her would walk home hand in hand with their parents. (Except Adam, but his parents got stabbed so he didn’t count).
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It was an amorphous amalgamation consisting of a bio-engineered substance of sour-patch-kid mixed with human flesh, taped to a Roomba with a knife. They named it Shelby.
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“Nah, I don’t really care.” He shrugged. “I mean you eat fear, I eat pizza, and that massive fucking loser over there eats sin. It’s not really all that different at the end of the day.”
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“Why did you murder me!?”
“You were within murdering range.”
“W-well you still shouldn’t have murdered me!!”
“…then don’t be so murderable next time.”
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“You killed them all! The entire fucking population!!!!” Her eyes were fearful, manic as she screamed at Them, tears streaming down her face. At the lack of a response, the emotion contained within her gaze shifted from terror to horror, the horror being quickly replaced with a new emotion, one They had never seen on her before. Fury. It was as if the universe itself had shifted, granting her the ability to see Them for what They truly were, what They had been all along. Inhuman. “You fucking bastard,” She snarled. “Billions of people dead at your hands, and yet you dare- you dare feel no guilt??”
They shrugged. “Whoopsie lmao”
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“Do you have the urge to rip someone apart with your fingers, dig into their skin and tear it apart? Separate their bones with a sickening squelch. As vivid red blood pools around you, chunks of flesh wedged beneath your cracked and aching fingernails, the crimson splattered across your face contrasted by long-dried tear tracks; for you have long since forgotten the reason for your slaughter. It has become monotonous, the death. Tell me, why do you kill? Why do you hunger so, o blessed child?”
“I’m hungy (。-∀-)”
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There was a cat sitting out front his door- or at least something that looked like it could be one. Greg couldn’t quite tell. Though the amount of limbs, and the colour of its (fur?) seemed to shift with every glance, calling it a cat seemed like a safe enough guess, as that was what it resembled most. (Though he would never say so to the being’s face- thanks to Elliott, he knew upsetting a creature like that was never a wise decision.) Held within what may have been a mouth, albeit one with far too many teeth, was the upper part of a severed leg, fresh enough for there to be a sluggish drip of blood coming from it. With every drop of blood, the cat would hold out a limb to catch it, bringing the collected liquid to another mouth to consume. At the sight, Greg sighed mentally. So it was one of those days, huh.
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At the sight of the level she had requested, there was a sharp intake of breath from Sarah’s right.
“Ah… are you sure you’re up to this?” Anna asked, “You’re still recovering and this level has over twenty constructs..”
She shrugged. “Nah, I’d Win.”
“Sarah,” Elliott stated, “did you just quote Jujutsu Kaisen?”
She grinned “Yep.”
Elliott laughed delightedly, “Jujutsu Kaisen doesn’t even exist in this universe!”