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Chapter Text

"Miss David - the liaison position between NCIS and Mossad was considered temporary. You will fly back to Israel first thing in the morning.McGee - you are transfered down to computer crimes unit.DiNozzo - You, by this time tomorrow, will be the new agent afloat on the USS Reagon, the captain expects you bording the ship at 2pm in Cartaghena. Your plane takes off at 5am.Gibbs - Meet your new team"

Even hours after his departure from the Navy yard the words from Director Leon Vance were ringing in his ears. And the voice wouldn't stop. Weirdly enough it wasn't Vance's voice who said those words, but Jennys. Jenny. Although with so many different bad things happening, she, or better the memory of her, was all he could think about. He could feel guilty about the fact that his actions caused the teams' breakup. He could be sad that yet another of his colleagues, no, one of his friends, had to be buried before she could fulfill the dream of a family. Or he could be mad at Jenny that she send him on that mission with La Grenuille in the first place. Beeing mad would definitely make him stop crying. But no. Everything he felt right now was anger. Anger pointed at himself, because he was the fool who was happy about a couple hours of freetime and refusing to look for Jenny while Ziva was determined to do her Job and make sure their protection detail was okay. Ziva told him a handful of times during their flight back to D.C. that the Directors death wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't listen, he is the senior field agent, he should have known better. Oh no,wait. He WAS the senior field agent. With that thought he stood up from his couch and made his way into the kitchen and opened the liquor cabinet.

"We should have tailed her...Ziva...she wanted to tail her"

"Yeah, why didn't you?"

"We had orders not to"

"So you two were just following orders"

While refilling his glass with any liquor he could find, Tony guessed those words were his boss' way to say that this wasn't his fault. But Tony also saw the look on his face, the sadness in his eyes and so no matter what phrases would come out of Gibbs mouth - he didn't believe them. Couldn't, because he just killed the love of his life. It seemed like the whole team was able to see how much he was hurting over this and how he made himself responsible. Therefore it didn't help that they were telling him, that "this was her way out. And it was probably more mercyful". Because he should have protected her. And if he had done just that, maybe he would have given her a few more months, so she could have told Gibbs how she felt. Because Tony knew.

Right now, the clock already showing 11:30pm, all he knew was that thinking about her wouldn't bring her back. So because he had to catch a plane early in the morning, he drowned the contents of his glass and then tried to get some sleep. Tried. The second he closed his eyes he saw her lifeless, bloody body and her pale face. His mind was replaying the moment of Ziva and him pulling up infront of the diner, getting out of the car and looking at a wooden door scattered with bullet holes. That was the moment he knew it was bad. With all the guilt eating him up he couldn't find any sleep. So he took a shower. And then watched a movie. And then another one. Until his alarm made him aware that he had to leave for the airport.

During the flight he thought about his ex-teammates and what they have been doing since they got the news of their split up.

Abby would be sad about the realization that they won't be sharing another of their loved movie-nights in the near future.

Ziva for one would be disappointed in him for not talking to her before he took off, because she told him she wanted to make sure he is alright first.

Probie probably thought he would end up drunk infront of his door at 2 in the morning, cause that was what he was always doing when he lost someone. That was what he was doing when Patchi died and it sure as hell was what he was doing when Kate got shot right next to him. The only reason why that didn't happen this time around was because Tony felt guilty and wanted to avoid McGee's sorry face. So he drank alone in his apartement instead of heading out into a bar.

And then there was Gibbs.

Well Gibbs more than likely was furious right now that he didn't show up in his basement for another heart-to-heart conversation about how all of this is not his fault and that Gibbs isn't mad and that he will do everything to reunite them as soon as possible. At least that would explain the 3 unanswered calls in his phone from late last night. But he wouldn't, no couldn't answer the phone. Any crying from all the memories or any indications of him drinking last night over the phone would have resulted in a worried Gibbs on his doorstep. And he couldn't handle, couldn't face Gibbs. Not like that. Not in his state of mind, because Gibbs would have looked right through him. In fact Gibbs was the only one who could look right through him and ignore all the clown masks he put on for strangers. Maybe Ziva could, too. At least sometimes.

After the flight, where he couldn't get any sleep either, the plane landed in Cartaghena and ex-senior field agent, now agent afloat Anthony DiNozzo Jr. boarded the USS Reagon as the only cop on a ship with a crew of 5000. The second he arrived in his little room, the captain called out for him, there was a video call from Washington.

Great. Now, sleepy, a little hungover and still drowning in self-pity he had to face the one man he never wanted to let him see weak. His boss. His friend. His father figure.

In the end of their video call, that was mainly consistent out of small talk, Gibbs made sure to tell him to contact the rest of the team from time to time and "put your head back in the game". "Easier said than done, boss". He was the one to carry the guilt, see Jennys dead body over and over in his dreams and being aware that if he had done his job she could still be alive, not Gibbs. But he was just thinking that last part when Gibbs ended the call. Ah, thinking. Something he told himself he shouldn't do too often while on the ship. Because he is alone and there is no one there to keep him sane. No Ziva and McGee to mock or share intimite moments with, no Abby to receive hugs from, no Ducky he could get advise from, no Jimmy he could talk to when he feels lonely and certanly no Gibbs to admire and learn from. As much as he hated the head smacks, he knew he needed them to keep him focused. It was a weird feeling. On the one hand he missed every single one of them, but on the other hand just remembering memories made him depressed. And then there still was Jenny. He knew she was dead but he felt like she was able to haunt him from the beyond every time it got silent around him. And against all expections, there WERE 5000 people on this ship, it got silent around him very often. And it was killing him.

Chapter Text

Rule #5: "Never waste good". Those were the words Gibbs told him after he quit in Baltimore and questioned his choice of a career in law enforcement and those would be the words of disapointment Gibbs would say to him if he quit now. And he doesn't want to let Gibbs down...Again. Tony is a brilliant investigator and he knows it. But he also knows that right now for this job it doesn't need an agent to end illegal poker games twice a week or confiscate liquor from the sailors from time to time.

On the other hand any other cop who could do this job probably wouldn't drink the confiscated alcohol or even participate in some of the poker games when the table was occupied by sailers he liked. The last month he went completely off the grid and ended in a dark place. The guilt is growing stronger and stronger with every day and his drinking has improved. By breaking the rules himself the sailors didn't take him serious anymore and during their occaisonal video calls even Gibbs noticed that his agent is in trouble. Most of the times when Gibbs called him in the morning he still had bloodshot eyes and looked disheveled from yet another sleepless night where he drank himself into a stupor. When drunk, Tony send Abby and McGee emails and once drunk dialed Jimmy in the middle of the night. He slurred an apology for not saying goodbye before leaving for the ship and Jimmy swore he could hear Tony crying.

Then, one night, he sat in his cabin and for once not thinking about Jenny. A bottle of Bourbon still infront of him on the table, out of habit. That night he was thinking about Ziva. She is the only one he hadn't contacted yet and that likely was for the best. She hated it when he lost himself in self-pity and she even more disliked it when he was drinking to forget something, or get over a loss.

"Don't do that Tony"

"Don't do what...?"

Of course, he knew what she was talking about when she arrived in autopsie to see Jenny, but saw him drinking Scotch at Duckys table instead. That was one of the rare moments she was able to see through his facade and discover his pain. And he let her because he knew she was his partner and full of worry. But he also knew that she was right, they should have stayed by Jennys side. That actually was the reason for his lack of calls towards her, although she gave him the number of her new mossad phone.

It seemed so innocent back then, however, nowadays drinking to forget was all he did. Like tonight.

Only tonight it wasn't Jenny he wanted to forget, it was Ziva. He sat with his shirt unbottened on the cabins floor, leaning against the wall and bringing the bottle to his mouth. He didn't even bother to get a glass anymore. Where is the point? The liquid is going to end up in his mouth anyway. Taking another gulp and feeling the Bourbon burning while going down his throat he looked around his room. And for the first time in months he realized that it was covered in empty bottles of any kind of alcohol he could find. Even the DiNozzo-defibrillator didn't do his good in the morning anymore. Noticing that, he stood up from the floor. Well at least he tried his best. After a couple of beers in the afternoon, tequila shots during the poker tournament earlier the evening and the now half empty bottle of boubon standing was kind of hard. He didn't realise that he drank that much today, but that was no suprise since he has been binge drinking during the last 132 days. That certainly not means keeping count of HOW MUCH he drank. Just as he managed to bring himself up and near his bed he passed out, bottle still in his hand, and collapsed on it.

Next morning he woke up to sirens with the worst hangover. Man overboard! Damn. His presence was needed and he still smelled like a destillerie because he had no time to shower. But he had no choice. Good thing he was too drunk last night to take off his clothes, now he just had to button his shirt and he was ready to go. He ran through the hallway, passed a couple of sailors and made it out on deck. Due to the first results of his investigation he had to team up with team Gibbs. Through the Emails and Video calls to Washington he knew that Ziva and McGee were back again and that he would be next. This shared investigation might even be the first step. He still felt embaressed towards them but everything would be better than staying on this ship any longer. The discovered corpes of the missing sailor led him back to Cartaghena where the USS Reagon last was on land and the poor guy murdered. And apparently Gibbs and Ziva are going to join him. That was good, right, he hadn't seen them for quite some time. Whatever, he hadn't had time to think about that, because the moment he turned around they were standing infront of him. He noticed the worried looks, on the outside obviously covered with happiness but he could see that they also kept an eye on him to watch how he was doing. He got nervous when he looked in the eyes of his old partner again. Nervous that she might know how bad he is coping with things, nervous that she might be angry that he didn't call her. And just nervous because it's her. Ziva. He knew she could tell when he was lying which is why he got REALLY nervous and quite uncomfortable when they were alone for the first time. Gibbs was away and now it was just the two of them.

"You look..."

"Smarter, sexier, what?"

"Older"

"Well, it's been 4 months"

Tony knew that Ziva could feel that he was nervous. He was nervous because he knew what questions came next. Nervous that if he lied to her she would be able to see right through him just like Gibbs would.

"Still beating yourself up over Jenny?"

"Not as much as I used to"

Ziva could tell he was telling the truth. She already knew the answer to the following question but she wanted to hear it from him. To see if he lied to her. To see if he still trusted her.

"Drinking?"

"Not as much as I used to"

With that said he had to swallow hard and he knew Ziva realised that he was lying. But instead of a lecture she simply said "you could have called".

Well he could. But he chose not to. Right know he wondered whether that was a mistake, because it actually felt really nice to talk to her and see her smiling at him.

After the case was solved Gibbs managed to get him back into the bullpen. And everything seemed to get back to normal. During the day it did, but the second Anthony DiNozzo left the office he felt alone, haunted from memories of Jenny and he had nightmares whenever he tried to sleep. Because he hadn't had time yet to go grocery shopping he decided to drown his thoughts in a bar this evening.

He was determined to break this habit because he realized that this is developing into a problem, but not today. Today he wasn't trying. Today he would celebrate that he is back in D.C.. At least that is what he is going to tell anyone who is giving him questionable glances about his alcohol intake.

Two hours later he sat at the bar, his head in one of his hands and in the other a drink that he holds as tight as possible when his phone starts ringing. Gibbs.

"Grab your gear, dead sailor in Baltimore. Navy yard in 20."

"Heyyy bss. I don think I cn maket. Thoght were already off duty tday."

"You drunk again DiNozzo?!"

"Hoow didya know that. Do I soun like ona these dudes from the hangova movie?"

"Ah hell DiNozzo. Where are you? I'm going to pick you up and get your drunken ass out there before you get in trouble again."

"Ehh...don reallly kno where I m but I cn geta cab n come to you. How ds that soun huh"

"No. drive home and get sleep. And no more alcohol. Got that?"

"Drivin home bss"

"With a cab DiNozzo. Don't you dare drive by yourself. The way you sound you won't even stay steady."

"Copy that bss"

Great. Now his boss knows he was drinking and soon are his coworkers. Because he couldn't show up at a crime scene and he is too drunk to walk straight. What a wonderful way to start into the first week back. Like his boss told him, he finished the rest of his drink, stumbled out of the bar and got in a cab to drive home. He is already thinking about the things his teammates will say to him tomorrow morning. Teasing him? More worrying? Or another of Gibbs famous conversations in his "office"?

Chapter Text

The entire morning he had been sitting at his desk, actually WORKING on cold cases, not saying a word. And the weirdest part - he not once had teased McGee about his geekness or interest in Jet Packs. Not once. That was very suspicious, because Tony was the class clown, always had to say something, make others happy or impersonate actors from his favourite movies. The one sitting on his desk today was cold and outgibbsing Gibbs if that is possible. He was not the Tony they all knew. The Tony she knew. The Tony she wanted him to be again.

Although his Boss hadn't tried to talk to him about the other night, he knew he was in trouble. First of all, while the others were working on a homicide case he had to do paper work and look over cold cases. Second of all he hadn't received a head slap yet. He hated them, however when he didn't get them he had the impression that Gibbs was too angry to care when he messed up. And that feeling of not being appreciated was actually worse than getting head slapped. The lack of appreciation even underlined his feelings of Gibbs being pissed at him cause he messed up his protection detail over Jenny. To make up for his unprofessional behavior he decided to be as concentrated and focused as possible today, so Gibbs would consider letting him take part in the current investigation. He hated to be sidelined. Because of that he cut out the inapropriate jokes, the silly nicknames for Tim and the movie quotes. He did it to be professional. And because he was feeling sick. THAT especially was the reason for his silence. His head was acheing and he felt like he had to vommit all over the bullpen at any moment.

He knew Gibbs didn't tell Ziva and McGee why he was absent on their latest crime scene, cause otherwise they would have already cornered him by now. And questioned him about it. But they aren't stupid. They notice. They notice his pale face, they notice his increased visits to the bathroom, they notice that he is very short tempered and they notice the decent smell of alcohol still in his breath.

But none of them had said a word yet. Gibbs was probably still wating for a moment alone with Tony to have a talk. Ziva acted like she didn't notice anything at all, but he catched her looks, that seemed understanding and deadly at the same time. McGee just offered him a gum and asked if Tony wanted to come over tonight to catch up and talk about the last months. But Tony declined, said he already had plans. Yes, he had plans. He didn't need to elaborate that his plan is to going to watch an old classic movie and drink himself into oblivion so he woundn't blame himself for his friends death 5 months ago.

Wow. Has it really already been 5 months now?

It's been quite a long time and he wonders why her voice and those feelings of guilt, shame and blame are still in his head, no matter what he tried to do to forget them. Drinking only helps to a certain degree. When he drinks he feels numb and forgets everything bad around him but as soon as he wakes up in the mornings the pain is still there.

Deep in his thoughts he didn't realize until just know that his team was talking to him...

"...out on a stakeout. What do you say DiNozzo?

"DiNozzo?...HEY! DiNozzo!"

"Huh yeah. That's a great idea, boss"

"Right."

"I will take the shift with Tony in the morning, yes."

It was more a statement as a question. That way she had some time alone with him. To talk. To get a hold of his questionable behavior.

"Alright. McGee and I will take tonights shift. You'll replace us at 5"

"Will do, Gibbs"

"Okay head home now, so you are fit tomorrow morning"

With that Ziva and Tony stood up at headed to the elevator. Ziva was already staying infront of the elevator doors when Tony was only half way there. He had to take things slow, otherwise he would have felt dizzy and everything would have turned. They got inside the elevator and Ziva asked him what kind of plans that were he had mentioned to Tim.

"Actually they just changed due to the stakeout"

"You do not look happy with that change of events Tony, why. Usually steak outings are your favourite part of the job. You get to interfere in other people's privacy"

"Steakouts Zi-vah. And let's just say I would have enjoyed my other plans, too"

7:30pm and he was sitting alone on the couch in his apartment. He told Ziva his plans had changed because of the steakout. He wanted to be great at the job when working around her. To impress her. But he wouldn't be at his best when half-drunk and besides, showing her how weak he really was, was not an option. He had to stay strong because he was Anthony freaking DiNozzo.

But right now he felt everything but strong. Leaving work early to get some sleep was a nice gesture of Gibbs that didn't happen very often but it also gave Tony more time in his apartment. Alone and thinking too much. He thought about how things would be different if he acted like Ziva wanted him to. Once again he saw Jennys dead body infront of him and heard her voice in his head. It won't stop and he felt how tears were rolling down his cheeks and he started crying. He got goose bumps and when he wanted to rub the tears away with his hands, he noticed how much they trembled.

By now he would normally have drunk so much that he never had to endure the memories for so long. But he couldn't drink today because Ziva would notice it in the morning. But he really wanted to. He needed to. To get through the night, to pass out, so that his body gets at least a little rest, to not always feel guilty and to be able to live with himself. And that's what really starts to piss him off right now. That his head and mind are already dependent on alcohol to be able to think and act clearly. That if he gives in to this desire he is a failure. A failure Ziva certainly doesn't want to know anything about.

But now he still needs a drink.

No matter how much his gut tells him to let it go and get by without any booze, his head needs it to switch off, to become silent.

So he gets up and walks into his kitchen to grab a glass and a liquor bottle. He pours himself so much that the glass is filled to the top. And then he drinks it. He surrendered to the urge. And in less than an hour he would be lying wasted on his couch and again drown his feelings in alcohol. It was his only way out of this misery but he hated it. He hated that it infected him that way. He is weak and that pisses him of. Makes him angry. He reaches for the glass, screams and with tears in his eyes he throws it against the wall.

After Tony didn't really answer her what he was going to do in the evening, she decided to visit her colleague to make sure he wasn't doing anything stupid. Gibbs didn't have to tell her, she knew it anyway. Everything she saw on her partner's face this morning and throughout the day confirmed her suspicions that he had been drinking since Jenny died.

She warned him ...

"Don't do that Tony"

And she gave him her Mossad phone number and offered to be reachable for him.

"You could have called"

But to see him harming himself and blaming himself for the death of a mutual friend makes her sad. And she wonders whether she could have helped him more.

She got in her car and 20 minutes later she stood infront of his door. That's when she suddenly hears noises, a scream and the breaking of an object. Without thinking for too long, she breaks Tony's door lock and storms into his apartment.

She looks astonished at Tony, who is leaning against a chair while crying. Deep in his grief, he does not seem to have noticed that Ziva is standing in the middle of his living room. Just as Tony angrily reaches for another glass to throw against the wall, she calls his name.

"Tony!"

He turns his head at her and she sees the feeling of shame in his eyes because he didn't want Ziva to ever see him so weak.

"Ziva? What are you doing here"

"I was worried about you. And as it looks like i had a good reason to"

"Everything is fine..it's no..."

"Nothing is fine, Tony. You are clearly hurting and I am here to listen. Please tell me what is wrong with you so I can support you"

"You should leave, I'm not worth it"

"Yes you are. You are my partner. And my friend. And I can't continue to watch you drag yourself down and turn up hungover or still drunk in the office every day. Did you think I didn't notice? I don't want to know how much you drink, but I would appreciate it if you explained why"

"Seriously!? YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY!

"Please, Tony. Stop shouting at me. I understand when you feel like we let you down when you needed our help the most, but I am here now and I won't leave until you talk to me"

"Fine. You want to know why? Why I'm angry all the time, why I'm feeling like shit and why I drink like there's nothing else left for me!? Because I fucking killed her Ziva. And every time I sit alone in a room it doesn't matter where I am...I hear her voice and she is telling me that it is my fault that she's dead. And that it should have been me instead. And as if that's not enough, every time I close my eyes and try to sleep, I see her dead body covered in blood. I see her pale face and her dead eyes and they remind me of my screw up all over again."

Listening to his desperate voice and literally seeing him ask for forgiveness makes her cry, too.

She approaches him a few steps and takes him in a tight hug. Both standing in each others embrace, crying, they hold on tight for almost an hour and talked through the night. And he told her that he needed her help to get through this because he couldn't make it on his own anymore.

Chapter Text

It felt very liberating for Tony to finally entrust his feelings to someone. Most of all, that this someone was Ziva. In the past, he had always tried not to get too close to anyone because that resulted in a broken heart many times. But since their conversation late last night, which lasted until the early hours of the morning, he felt for the first time that things could be different. With Ziva. Because she cared. She would not have left until he had entrusted his worries to her. She was deeply concerned about him and she was ready to give him the support he needed at the moment and would need in the future. She was there when nobody else was and she was listening to the story of a broken man that many took for granted in the past months, without ever telling him what he really meant to them.

Confronting her with his struggles was not his plan. But once she was standing in the middle of his apartment and offered him an open ear, he let his emotions run free and tears escaped from his eyes. He couldn't hold it together anymore. And he didn't want to. He didn't want to be strong all the time. Didn't want to keep such big things, like his nightmares, feelings of guilt or blame and his struggles with alcohol, a secret anymore. Contrary to his usual behavior and character traits, he wanted to be real. Wanted to be honest. So he told her everything.

Ziva spent a lot of time with Tony over the next few weeks. They spent their lunch break together and every second evening they watched movies, sometimes at her place, sometimes at his place, they talked a lot and sometimes cried together. They cried when Tony was having a bad day, because something reminded him of Jenny and he told her that that was why those bad memories and the guilt came back. Then Tony confessed to her that he hadn't been able to sleep the night before and had picked up the bottle again. Even if Tony never managed to stay sober a whole week in the last month, there was progress.

The other team members noticed that Ziva and Tony were even closer than before. And they also noticed that Tony had different kinds of days. Tony's days lately were either black or white. On some days he's the well-known Tony DiNozzo, joking, distracting the others at crime scenes, giving McGee nicknames and doing everything he could to avoid paperwork. And on other days he is hardly recognizable. He has dark circles under his eyes, only speaks when asked to, stays voluntarily longer at work and sometime has anger issues. Just today, a Friday and apparently one of "those" days, before lunch he had shouted at another agent and pushed him against a wall in the bullpen, because that agent screwed up a protection detail over a child, that got abducted under his nose and was found dead later the day. He was furious. Angry. So damn angry. Because it reminded him of his own failure. It reminded him of Jenny. When he realized he was close to tears, he ran to his desk, grabbed his backpack, and stormed out of the Navy yard. Ziva knew what he would do next. And to keep him away from relying on alcohol every time he couldn't deal with a situation, she wanted to follow him. But Gibbs stopped her, told her that he would look for DiNozzo himself and that she and McGee had to interrogate their suspect in the homicide case. Ziva feared that Gibbs would be too hard on Tony once he found him, but at the same time she thought that if the boss opened Tony's eyes it might help. But Gibbs promised to be kind because "I know what today means to him" .These words left a stunned Ziva behind.

Tony ran out of the Navy Yard as fast as he could and got into his car, driving away, no matter where he headed to. After driving around in his car for 6 hours, stopping at a gas station once to get new fuel and two bottles of cheap Vodka, he found himself in Long Island. More specifically, he was parked on the street across his old family home.

Due to the fact that it was still in his father's possession, it had been empty for a long time. Because his father has no time to take care of such things. He took the two Vodka bottles and a DVD case with him and entered the house. After he found an old TV and a recorder he got the CD out of it's case. He took a pillow from the couch, put it on the floor and sat on it. While the movie started playing he broke the seal of one of the liquor bottles and started drinking.

In memory of Jenny 'It's a Wonderful life', his mother's favourite movie, was playing and Tony thought about the irony. Dying by getting shot five times in the torso didn't really say "hey you know what, that is wonderful, I should do that more often". He knew the movie by heart and therefore he didn't care that the more he drank, the less he was able to focus on the movie. His original idea behind watching this film was that he hoped to remember some good advice from his mother that could help him escape his situation. When he was younger his mother always gave the best advice, and he missed that, because from time to time even a grown man would need great advice once in a while. But now after finishing one of the Vodka bottles, he, again, was too drunk to remember anything, especially words his mother had said over 20 years ago.

He left the house, got in his car, and drove off. He was on his way to the cemetery to visit his mother's grave, which he did too rarely, when police sirens and flashing lights asked him to turn right. When the officer approached the drivers door, he immediately noticed the smell of alcohol and ordered Tony to get out and walk in a straight line. After he failed miserably, he was arrested for DUI. Great. Now he was the proud owner of a prison cell in the one police department that he had left seven years ago to work for Gibbs at NCIS. He suddenly felt sick and started puking all over the bed in his cell. He guesed that ruled out sleeping tonight.

After Gibbs left the bullpen at noon, he tried to find his senior field agent before he drowned the last brain cells that remained in his head. He should have spoken to Tony right away after he thought his lead agent was going to develope an addiction to alcohol. And he already had the impression after his last video call with Tony on the USS Reagon. Instead of the usually cheerful Tony, a tired, exhausted and exasperated young man stood in front of the screen. But he ignored the signs. Because Tony is strong. He would pull through this, sooner or later. At least that's what he thought. But now Gibbs felt like he let his friend down. That's why he told Ziva that he would look for DiNozzo, so he could make it up to him. Gibbs drove to Tonys apartment. But Tony wasn't there. Just to make sure, he drove to Zivas apartement. But Tony wasn't there. Nor was he with one of his fraternity brothers or in one of the 12 bars Gibbs went to. 'Damn Tony, where did you go'. He wondered when suddenly his phone started ringing. DiNozzo.

"DiNozzo where are you. I have been looking all over for you"

"Agent Gibbs? Hello my name is Officer Kelly. I am a former co-worker of Tonys. You are his boss, right? 30 Minutes ago one of our officers arrested him for driving under influence and he really didn't look good. I thought to let you know so you could pick him up to avoid an entering of this incident in his file."

"Thank you officer kelly, I'm on my way. Make sure no one talks to him until i get there"

"Of course, sir"

When he arrives at Baltimore PD, Gibbs redeems a few favors to help Tony out of the mess he brought himself into. Tony gets off lightly and he is allowed, with no entry in his NCIS file, to return to D.C. together with his boss. The men do not say a word during the entire drive home. Instead of taking him home, Gibbs takes his agent home with him. To talk. To apologize. And to warn him. In his basement Tony and Gibbs started to work on the latest boat.

"You okay DiNozzo?"

"I am fine, boss. No need to worry"

"That why I just picked you up at your old police department"

"It won't happen again"

"Yeah, sure. Cause you got in under control, right"

"right"

"Tony... you do know I'm not mad at you cause of Jenny, don't you"

God. His boss just used his first name, that can't be good. He's probably going to have "the talk".

"sure, i guess"

"Come on Tony. I don't blame you for any of that. If you got that impression, it's wrong. You followed an order. You did your job. You couldn't have known"

"I know that. Ziva made me realise that,"

"But?"

"BUT...realising that it wasn't my fault doesn't make her disappear"

"Who"

"Jenny"

"DiNozzo she's gone. You can't change that"

"You know what day it is today, right"

"yeah. But she wouldn't have wanted you to drive through the night and get arrested for DUI on her birthday. And she sure as hell wouldn't have wanted you to beat yourself up because of her"

"I'm not beating myself up. I was just drinking to her honor."

"That's what you call the last 5 months? Ziva isn't the only one who noticed"

"But the only one who cared enough to help"

"So you do need help"

"What do you think, Gibbs? That I'm stupid. Of course I need help. I can't sleep, I don't eat...I'm exhausted"

"what about the drinking. Don't you think you need help with that, too"

"Why do you suddenly care"

"I don't 'suddenly' care, Tony. I always do. Just wanted to give you time. To fix it. Or ask for help yourself"

"I did ask for help. Every morning you called me on that ship I showed you how miserable I am. The night I was too drunk to join the team at the crime scene. I asked, you just didn't listen"

"I'm sorry"

"Ha! Wow, I didn't expect that"

"Well I am. But the drinking has to stop. Now. It's not healthy and you jeopardize your entire career with that"

"I'm working on it"

"Yeah, I can see your work. Resulting in a DUI charge. ... Tony if you continue I have to put you on desk duty. I can't be responsible for you appearing drunk to work or carrying a weapon in that state"

"WHAT!? YOU CAN'T DO THAT"

"I HAVE TO, TONY. YOU ARE A DANGER FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS. YOU'RE NOT WORKING PROPERLY. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ZIVA OR MCGEE BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT AT THE TOP OF YOUR GAME. ... I can tell you what happens. You'll carry even more guilt than you already do. It would destroy you. So if you're still drinking by the end of next week I want your badge and gun and you'll be put on desk duty for an indefinite periode of time."

With that Tony stormed out the appartment and out in the rainy night.

Chapter Text

Tony ran out in the cold night. He was wandering down the empty streets, everything was dark, only the street lanterns made it possible to see his hand infront of his eyes. It was raining heavily, so that his wet shirt stuck closer to his body with every second. He walked around the city with no final destination in his head. He would go home, but he left his keys in the office when he stormed out earlier the day. Ah, no, when he stormed out yesterday. It was already Saturday morning, 0:30am. But where else could he go? Ziva? No she was having a dinner date with Michael...her boyfriend. And Tony didn't want to interfere. Well actually he did want to, but he knew he couldn't do that to Ziva. Because apparently Ziva developed real feelings for this man during her time in Israel. Feelings that Tony had long imagined would be nice if they were addressed to him. And not Rifkin. He didn't really know anything about that guy besides his name. Michael Rifkin. Probably a mossad officer, too and most likely close to Zivas father. But that was it.

Now, where else could he go?

Abby? No chance. It was Friday night slash Saturday morning, which means Abby is on a tournament with the bowling nuns. McGee? Although he likes Tim, he was reluctant to turn to him. Tony was supposed to be the SENIOR field agent, therefore he kinda was Tims boss ... well if Gibbs wasn't there, but still. He didn't want to open up to the McNewcomer and show him his weaknesses. Because Tony is the older one, the grown-up, the big brother. And a big brother cannot be comforted by the little one. It's supposed to be the other way around. So that wasn't an option either. Jimmy was on a weekend vacation with Breena and Ducky had to take care of his mother. Once again, Tony feels alone. Going back to Gibbs would be a desperate sign after disappearing so furiously before.

So Tony crawls back into the rabbit hole and does what he's obviously been doing best of lately. Drown grief, worries and insecurities in alcohol. Because in D.C. there is a bar on every street corner, that shouldn't be a problem. He enters the first bar he could find, went all the way to the back and sat in a dark corner. Because that made sure he'd stay alone and nobody could judge him. Tony realizes that by talking to Ziva, Jenny is no longer the reason for his alcohol abuse, but his own feelings, uncomfortable situations and his occasional desire to be able to ignore reality. And that was far from good. Because he no longer drank only to be able to try to forget his feelings, he HAD to drink to forget his feelings. And this is a dangerous game.

Alone and depressed drinking he spent most of the night in the bar until 3:00 am. He was so frustrated, disappointed and angry with himself. Tony had drunk more than ever before, he was totally wasted and could no longer think clearly. Because he was too hammered to be able to call a cab, he went home on foot. Stumbling now and then and not being able to walk straight led a 10 minute walk turning into 20. But at least he walked this time instead of driving and getting arrested for DUI again. On his way home, his phone started ringing. Twice. It was Ziva. But he couldn't answer and let her know in what state he was in right now. Because she thought he was doing better. And he did. But answering the phone, drunk in the middle of the night and not being able to speak clearly would not really reflect that impression of developement.

20 minutes later he was at his front door. It seemed like he had forgotten a tiny detail though. His key. It was still in the office. But the way was definitely too far. Without really assuming success, he shook his lock and leaned against the door, hoping to crack it. Suddenly the door opened from the inside with a swing and Tony literally fell headfirst into his apartment because he was too shaky on his feet to intercept the fall.

After her dinner date with Michael, she drove to Gibbs' house. After her boss told her he had found Tony she assumed he had taken him to his house, considering the "Gibbs talk" and the fact that Tony left his keys behind when he left in a hurry earlier the day. She took them from Tonys desk and was now on her way to return them to their owner.

When she arrived at Gibbs' house and got into his basement he was surprised to see Gibbs working on his boat. Alone. Gibbs told her that Tony left furiously after he told him what he needed to hear. Ziva didn't know where he went so she decided to go to his apartment and wait for him outside. When it got really cold outside and Tony was still nowhere seen, she went inside, sat on his couch and looked around. While letting her eyes slide through his empty apartment she wondered where he'd go. Maybe he was seeking for relief in another womans embrace and called one of the many ladies he has had sex with in the past. But then again since Jeanne, Tony changed and he wasn't that One-night-stand type of guy anymore. He was looking for something deeper and more meaningful. And for that she actually was kinda proud of him. After having ruled that out, she decided to call him, when he didn't answer the phone, she would wait for him and ask him where he's been once he returned from whatever he was doing.

After another hour, she suddenly hears a rustle at the door and realizes how someone is pushing the doorknob. It had to be Tony, so she opened the door to his apartment. At the same moment a person came towards her and fell head first into the apartment. She knew immediately what was going on and could smell it too. He was drunk. And he was completely out of it. He was so drunk that she worried about alcohol poisoning.

She helped him get up, put one of his arms around her shoulder, and supported him with her body as they walked. They went to his bedroom together, she carefully put him down on his bed and went to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. When she came back, she ordered him to drink the water, got a wet towel and put it on his forehead. He lay down and the only thing he said since entering the apartment and before he fell asleep was "I'm sorry, Ziva".

When Tony fell asleep, she called Gibbs, suspecting that the reason for his escapade and finally hitting rock bottom, was related to the conversation between the two men. She didn't confess the whole truth to Gibbs, just said that Tony was exhausted and worried about the conversation. Because she didn't want to betray Tony and get him into more trouble than he was likely to be in, anyway. She asked about what the two of them had been talking about, and soon realised what was reason for Tonys intense drinking tonight. But she was going to talk to Tony in the morning. Since she didn't want to leave him alone and suspected how bad he would be feeling in the morning, she decided to sleep on his couch and be the comfort he would need.

When Tony wakes up in the morning, jazz music (his favorite music) and the smell of scrambled eggs with bacon await. Did he bring a girl last night? He wasn't sure cause he couldn't remember. When he got up slightly from his bed, he felt his head start to pound. He saw a glass of water and two aspirins next to his bed and accepted the offer, even if he didn't know where it came from. He was still wearing the clothes from yesterday, so he hadn't had sex with a total stranger, but still...who was cooking eggs and bacon in his kitchen. He got up and made his way to the kitchen. As good as the food smelled, it was initially the reason why he had to turn into the bathroom and vomit. He rinsed his mouth at the sink with water, splashed something on his face. When he looked in the mirror, he saw his tired face and bloodshot eyes on one side and Ziva in the door frame on the other. He could tell she was upset. But she didn't say a word, just looked disappointed before she got back into the kitchen. They ate in silece and Tony felt her constant looks at him like a knife in his back. That made his stomach turn and to run to bathroom again.

"Is that worth it, Tony? Is the drinking worth all your vomiting, your headaches...our friendship?"

She didn't get an answer. He just looked away. Ashamed.

"Before I saw you yesterday, I thought you were doing better. But then... you were... literaly FALLING in your living room and now I'm not so sure anymore."

He bit on his lip and pulled a hand through his hair. He looked at her, then to the ground, still not saying a word.

"I know you and Gibbs talked last night. I know you are hurt. But I think he is right, Tony. This has to stop. Imagine you had to work today. How could you possibly think that I would feel protected in the line of duty, next to you, when you walk around like a mommy"

"Mummy"

"Oh. It can talk"

"I'm sorry, Ziva... I... I want this to end. Once and for all, I want this to end"

She looked deeply in his eyes and all she saw was honesty and regrets.

"Okay"

Ziva offers Tony a hand and together they go into the living room and sit opposite each other on the couch. Tony explains to her that Gibbs has threatened to take him out of the field and that that was the reason why his visit to the bar escalated yesterday. He tells her that his job is all he has at the moment and that he can't lose it, too. He said as hard as the boss's words had hit him, they opened his eyes at the same time. Finally, he thanks Ziva for staying with him throughout the night and not leaving him alone in the morning. She assured him that she would always be by his side and that they would get through his struggles together. She told him to call her, whenever he felt like drinking, so they could sit and watch a movie together instead. And if something happened at work that triggered his desire for something alcoholic, he should send her a message with a codeword. He chose "pizza". She would calm him down and distract him so that he could concentrate fully on his work again. So neither Gibbs nor anyone else in the team would notice anything. When they finished talking she got next to him on the couch, turned the TV on and put her head on his chest. He put an arm around her and in that position they spend the whole day. Watching movies and tv shows.

And for the first time, she felt like the old Tony DiNozzo was back. The one she adored, the one she admired. The one she secretly had feelings for, but would never be allowed to show them.

Chapter Text

Gibbs didn't know what Ziva and Tony were talking about the other night but by watching his senior field agent very thouroughly during the last week, he felt like Tony actually got a hold on things. And not only temporarily, but permanently. He wasn't as moody and filled with anger anymore, towards the team he was more open about his feelings, let his guards down and most of all, for the first time in 6 months, he looked sober. Clear eyes, a healthy color on his face, no bags under his eyes and when the team celebrated Duckys Birthday, Tony volunteered to be the designated driver. Maybe Tony was even trying too hard, but it worked for him, and Gibbs was happy about that developement. Gibbs knew he had to thank Ziva for that, big time, because she was the one who turned to Tony to help him, when he, the boss who should take care of his crew, messed up and didn't have Tonys six.

As good as Tony had been feeling last week, the important moments that mattered were still ahead of him. The past days have been very harmless and stress-free compared to other MCRT cases. These were the stressful situations in which it is also important that Tony, as a senior field agent, takes responsibilities. That's the moments the others were waiting for. Of course, they noticed that Tony was on the mend, but they all wanted to see how such cases would affect his newfound sobriety. Because of that they were watching him constantly. As if they were waiting for the day he would break and crawl back into the bottle again. But he had sworn to get it under control. To himself. But above all, he had promised it to Ziva. And if it had been anyone else to whom he would have promised, he is certain that he would have broken it soon. But it was Ziva and he didn't want to disappoint her. So he held on. And was now already up to 19 days of sobriety. To make her proud.

She knew that the past week hadn't been a big challenge, but she was still proud of Tony for pulling himself together since their last heart-to-heart conversation. And indeed for the first time since Jenny, he hadn't touched any alcohol for over a week.

She could only imagine how he would feel with everyone watching hom constantly, probably like a tiger in a cage. So when she felt he was getting uncomfortable, she casually asked him to get her a coffee, so he could get out the bullpen for a couple of minutes. She turned to Gibbs and McGee and told them to stop watching him like he were a criminal on the electric chair. She told them that Tony is doing better and that they should support him instead of waiting for a moment where he could relapse.

Nobody had to wait long for such critical moments. To watch if there still was a security breach at NCIS after Agent Langers death, the team was forced to steal intel, called 'Domino', from a high security facility with navy background. It was an unofficial mission and only a handful of people where supposed to be in the know about it. Tony and Ziva should play the 'burglars'. If caught, they were ordered not to intervene, since the guards knew nothing of the plan and would fight back with real weapons. The safety alarm went off, through to no fault of Tony or Ziva, which confirmed that someone had warned the facility and that there was still a mole at NCIS.

Although Tony screamed and reminded Ziva not to physically intervene, she started to fight and the two agents found themselves both beaten on the ground after a short time. When Ziva regained consciousness, a man was sitting in the chair in front of her, presumably the person responsible for this game, and Tony explained to her that it was the Secretary of the Navy.

"Well, there is this little drinking game sailors taught me during my time as agent afloat. Someone calls for a coin, you pull out one, and whoever has the highest officers coin, whoever's rubbed elbows with biggest brass - everyone else has to buy him drinks. That's who that man was. The downside here is, someone's lying to us, the upside is, we never have to pay for a drink again."

When they got back to the Navy Yard and found out that they were only chess pieces in a larger game and were not allowed to decide which move to go next, Tony was beside himself. Ziva was already worried about him when she pushed into the elevator.

"I'm going up there and give the toothpick a piece of my mind"

"Those things are just part of our job"

"I like the job, I just don't like the politics"

"That's not for you to decide, we have to follow the orders"

"Oh like you? Going all karate-kid at these guards. If I remember correctly, last thing before I went down, was you kicking and pushing them against the wall."

"It was a reflex" ...

"I'm tired of pretending, Ziva"

What did he mean with that? She wondered when he left the elevator.

It was their first argument since they started working together again and it was intense. In addition, they were lied to by everyone, even Gibbs, and were not fully informed of all the details. She knew Tony felt betrayed and as if he had failed on the mission. To make sure Tony doesn't have stupid thoughts in the evening, she secretly follows him after work. She is very relieved to see that Tony has evidently learned over the past few months. Instead of drinking to forget worries and stress, Tony went to the shooting range in the afternoon and then to the NCIS sports hall to let out his remaining emotions on the punching bag.

A few weeks later, the team finds the body of a man everyone, except Gibbs, knows from a previous case 3 years ago. A man named Renny wanted to point out, by throwing the man's body in a sack down the garbage chute, that Tony had innocently put him in prison when he was teamleader. And it turned out that the man was actually innocent. Back then and now. And Tony wasted 3 years of that mans life. This case tugged Tony even more than the search for the NCIS mole a few weeks earlier. Because it was an old case, Gibbs gave Tony the lead for this case. Like months before, feelings of guilt came back to him. Guilt for the man's innocent imprisonment, and therefore not being able to see his family, for judging the man without reaching deep enough for the truth. After all attempts at clarification went nowhere, and Gibbs noticed that Tony was very tense and about to burst, he took him aside to assure him that he was not alone in this mess and that he should rely on his gut feeling.

"Anthony, you're doing a hell of a job. Until bout 3 Minutes ago. You're making things right... and me proud"

"Thanks. But I don't know what else to do, Gibbs"

"Listen to your gut"

After their conversation Tony did just that. Abby had some results about matching fingerprints from the crimescene with afis and so short after, they were able to catch the murderer. And Renny. But Tony let him go and later claimed that he could not find him at the airport. Gibbs knew what Tony did, and again he was proud. He was making things right.

But then the team had to face something that none of them would have expected. Tony was the first to find out that Ziva's friend Michael Rifkin was in the United States and was supposed to carry out a Mossad mission. While working with the NCIS team from Los Angeles, the rest of the team came across the said man in an undercover case without knowing about his relationship with Ziva. When Gibbs asked her about her relation to said man she just said that he worked with Mossad and that she hadn't been working with him for a long time. Tony knew there was more behind it and that the guy was playing her. He was mad that she didn't tell Gibbs the whole story and left all of them in the dark about what part she played and whether she still carries out her father's orders after she returned a year ago. While investigating, Tony found that American intelligence had previously been shared, from Zivas laptop, with the Mossad. Since it was already late at night and he wanted to give her the opportunity to explain, Tony drove to Ziva's apartment. To his surprise, he found Michael instead of Ziva and he immediately realized that he was behind the crimes, not her. But why hadn't she stopped him? Did he play her so well or didn't Ziva want it to be true because she had actually fallen in love.

When Tony stood infront of Zivas door, Michael knew that Tony was here to confront her, and when he found him instead, Tony got his answers. They got into a fight. Michael dislocated Tonys shoulder and Tony pushed him into a glass table. After the table broke, there was one of the sharp shreds in Rifkin's stomach. But that didn't stop the man from pulling it out and trying to walk towards Tony. Since Tony could not defend himself because of his injured shoulder, he fired three shots. At that moment, Ziva stormed into the apartment. She only worried about Michael and was very angry with her partner. After the ambulance pulled up, Tony, Ziva, Michael and later the rest of the team met in the hospital. Michael eventually died and Ziva is in deep grief. She didn't talk to Tony anymore and ignored him completely because she was confident that Tony killed her boyfriend out of jealusy. When Tony went home that evening he hit the wall with his hand from his good arm. He hurt her, but he had no chioce. Michael would have killed him, if he didn't do it first. But Ziva could, maybe didn't want to, see it.

He couldn't sleep that night, because he lost his friend. She was so mad. Why couldn't she see, that he was only protecting her. The only reason, Tony did not relapse that evening was because Ziva cleaned out his apartment of any alcohol, and his shoulder hurt too much to leave the house and go to a bar. And besides, if he crawled back into the bottle now, he would only meet the expectations of others that he would become weak again as soon as things got complicated. And the worst part, Ziva wouldn't be there to help him again. So he resisted the urge.

When he fell asleep, all he dreamed about was Ziva. How he hurt her, how she hurt him. And in his nightmares he realised that he is very afraid of the fact that Director Vance agreed to Eli David's request to interrogate him about the murder of a Mossad agent in Israel.

He was alone in this mess but he had to pull through. For Ziva. Because even if she hated him right now, as long as she was by his side everything was going to be alright.

Chapter Text

When Tony and Director Vance already sat, and Gibbs eventually joned them in the plane, to fly back to D.C., Ziva was left behind. And Gibbs didn't have to tell him, he knew exactly why she wanted to stay in Israel. He knew she made Gibbs to choose between the two of them. And as happy as he was about the fact his boss chose him, as bitter and disappointet did he feel during their flight. Because Ziva wouldn't be around him any longer. She would stay and soon will be a part of Mossad again. Her father would send her to end the suicide mission that Rifkin started.

He missed her and more than one time he found himself looking at his phone, with Zivas number ready to call.

"I guess she'll call when she's ready"

But she didn't call. Not once. Neither him nor Abby or McGee. And when he was having dinner with Tim one night he adressed the big elefant in the room.

"It's not normal. It's not normal that we haven't heard from her Tim."

McGee agreed and together they decided to dig a little deeper and try to gather information about Zivas mission with Mossad. With Abbys help they found out, that Ziva was supposably staying on a cargo ship on its way to a terrorist training camp in Somalia. Ziva's target was the leader of this camp. Gibbs overheard his team's conversation. He admitted that he had known her position for a longer time, but did not want to share it on suspicion. But now there were new information. The ship on which Ziva was supposed to be on has sunk in a storm. There would be no survivors.

His bosses words swirled around his head for the next days. She was dead and he would never see her again. She was dead and everything he remembered from their last conversation was that she had been in love with Rifkin, that she would have prefered it, if Michael had survived instead of him and that she almost shot him where he stood. Oh, no, he wasn't standing. She almost shot him when he was laying on the ground. Defenseless. Life and work stopped mattering to him. "After that, Buisiness as usual lost all meaning" to him. Technically he had lost her a few months before but back then she was still alive and could have walked back into the bullpen any second. But now... Now she would never go anywhere again. And it was his fault. Because of him she wanted to stay in Israel and work under her fathers orders again. Because of that she had to attend that mission and because of that she ended up staying on that sunken ship. And now everything that was familiar to him was gone. No Ziva who would sit at her desk, smiling at him, every morning he entered the office. No Ziva to share the lunch brakes with. No Ziva who would cover his six when he was up to something stupid again. No Ziva as his partner. No Ziva as his friend. No Ziva waiting on his doorstep after work to watch movies with. No Ziva to share deep emotions and secrets with, that he would never tell anyone else. Again, after his mom, wendy, kate, paula, Jeanne and Jenny he lost another woman close to his heart. And once again, it felt like it was his fault.

The last few days he reminisced in old memories but today the knowledge hit him like a blow. Realizing that Ziva is dead. He couldn't concentrate at work, missed an essential detail at the crime scene, wrote a very shitty case report, didn't get into the elevator at time when he was supposed to leave for the pentagon with Gibbs. He didn't say much during the day and when one of the female applicants for the open position flirted with him, he ignored it and told her that they weren't hiring. He was a mess lately but today he was even worse.

Instead of driving home in the evening, he drove to Ziva's apartment. He had a second key, let himself in and went through the apartment. He didn't know why he chose to come here. He decided to leave again, when he saw that before Ziva left she had hung her star of david necklace over a picture of the two of them. Next to it was a small piece of paper. 'I am sorry, he was right'. Obviously Tony was the 'he' she mentioned in the letter, so he took the letter and the necklace with him. He felt sad and guilty again and was full of regret for being so mad at her that she trusted Rifkin. But he could not make up with her, although he really wanted to get that dispute out of the way, because he was too late. Ziva was dead.

When Tim got the news of Zivas death from Gibbs he was shocked. Not as much as Tony, but close. Instead of wallowing in grief he tried to find a location of the person responsable for Zivas death so that NCIS could continue what she had started and bring that man and his terrorist camp down. His fellow members into jail, and Salim, that was his name, 6ft under the ground. He did notice that Tony was really hurt by the latest events. But he also knew that Tony would go as far as no one else to revenge Ziva's death and therefore he did not worry about his friend too much. As long as Salim was a free man or alive, catching him would be Tony's top priority and therefore he wouldn't take a break long enough to let the bad memories and grief get onto him. That is what he thought. Until right know. His phone starts ringing and he answered the phone. DiNozzo.

"Yo, you Tim?"

"Yes, who are you and where is Tony?"

"Well I guess Tony is your little friend in my bar. He is hammered so I got his keys but he drank so much that he has no money left for callin' a cab. He didn't want me to call a 'Gibbs'? So you were his next best thing. Said you'd pick him up and pay for the rest of his drinks."

"Pick him up where?"

"Bar next to the Navy Yard. Look I gotta close soon. Either you get him or I'll just leave him outside the door."

"No, I will pick him up. I'm on my way."

Damn, Tony was drinking again? That was not good. Tim wasn't sure about calling Gibbs and read him in to his discovery. Considering Tony didn't want the bartender to call Gibbs, Tim chose not to, either. He got into the elevator to leave the bullpen and went to the building next to the Navy Yard, into the bar Tony apparently headed to after leaving the office. When he got in, he found Tony half-sitting on a bar stool, his head lying in his hands that were placed on the counter. Next to Tony a couple of empty beer bottles and glasses. When Tony was about to down the liquid in the glass right in front of him, he grabbed his arm tenderly and led it back on the table.

"I think you've had enough. Come on, Tony, I will drive you home. You'll come with me tonight."

Tim payed the bartender and carried Tony out of the bar into his car. On the drive home they were silent, but when they walked the stairs up to Tims apartment, Tony started talking.

"Sh's dead Tim"

"Yeah, I know Tony. But she wouldn't want to see you like this"

"Dsn't matter Timmy... sh's not gonna see it anyway. She won bemad."

"Well I am and if Gibbs were to find out, he'd be, too"

"Don care. Don need this job. Just liked doin it, 'cause she wus part of it"

That's when Tim realised what Ziva really meant to Tony.

For the next few weeks Tony hadn't shown that he had started drinking again. Even Tim hadn't suspected him anymore and it seemed like the evening he had to be picked up from the bar was just a slip, an exception. But Tony had just gotten better at hiding his problem. Instead of going to bars in the evening, he bought the alcohol at gas stations or while shopping on the weekend after work. Because he couldn't sleep very much he showed up to work early so the others would think he was in top of his game, when in reality he was drinking heavily. And even more than after Jenny's death. Every day after work he would drink until he passed out. He knew she wouldn't like this, but she wasn't there anymore so no one would stop him.

Then came the day McGee's extra work to find Salim paid off. They were able to trace the trail of one of his deliveries and now knew where he was. Without hesitation, Tony named himself and Tim as volunteers for the mission. What did he have to lose? He had already lost what was important to him. The two of them got captured by Salims men on purpose and while Tim acted like he was unconcious, Tony was chained to a chair. They were taken prisoners. Tony was given a truth serum to tell Salim why he and Tim were there, how they found him, and who else was involved. Tony revealed a few secrets under the influence of the serum but managed to keep the most important ones to himself. He knew he would just have to waste time because then Gibbs would have the opportunity to position himself to kill Salim. Tony's hands started to tremble and his head started to pound. Apparently that serum had bad influence on his alcohol withdrawls. He had to try to cover it up so that Salim and Tim didn't notice. He tried it seriously

"I'm here to kill ya"

He tried using allusions and quotes from films, and last but not least he tried humor.

"Could I get a glass of Chardonnay or somethin' "

Tim and also Salim didn't take his words seriously, both for different reasons. Salim thought the serum he drugged the agent with just made him chatty and Tim thought that was Tony's way of buying time and persue the plan.

Because Salim couldn't get the answers he was looking for, he brought in a woman, with a bag over her head, and told the two of them that the one who tells him what he needs to know, is free to go while the other one is going to die. When Salim tore the sack from the woman's head, Tony was overwhelmed to see an injured, probably starving, but alive Ziva.

" So, how was you summer?"

"Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you... Tony, why are you here?"

"Couldn't live without you, I guess"

Chapter Text

If she only knew how much that was true.

They were back and Ziva was safe, she wasn't an agent anymore, but at least she was alive and maybe they could form a friendship outside from the office again. But once they were back, Tony hadn't heard a word from her. Instead of talking to her he decided to give her the time she would need.

The next day Ziva appeared in Gibbs' basement, apologised and thanked him for what he did. She asked for his blessing to be allowed to work at NCIS again. After speaking to the director and having completed the first psych evaluation, she was standing in the middle of the bullpen in front of Tony and McGee. She overheard a conversation about an ongoing case and gave them a tip on how to convict the suspect, thus solving the case as a visitor. McGee felt like she was avoiding Tony. She didn't want to admit it, but maybe that was because she knew deep inside that Tony was right about Michael and that she was sorry she ever had doubted him. She did not really know what to say to Tony, but she knew she had to say and do something. So when he hit the head later the day she followed him inside the men's room and they talked.

"I'm sorry, Ziva"

"No, it's I, who am sorry. I was wrong to ever question your motives"

"Then why did you"

"I guess I trusted my father, Ari and Gibbs, they let me down. I could not afford to trust you."

"I thought you weren't sure what to say"

He felt that they were coming back to good terms. Should he open up to her about his relapse or should he wait for another intimite moment to come clean, he wasn't sure so he decided to stay silent. She had a lot to deal with herself right now, she wouldn't need his struggles on top of that. Instead of disappointing her again, he reached into his pocket and took out her necklace. He takes a few steps so that he is standing right behind her, both facing the mirror. He ran a hand over her neck to pull her hair aside. He put the necklace around her neck and let her hair fall back over her shoulders."Looks way prettier on you than on me" he says with a smirk and walks out of the bathroom.

The first time they had a real talk in months and he could feel that the spark between the two of them was still there. That was a good sign.

Everything at work was back to normal and Ziva was going to work with him again, so any reasons for his drinking and him relapsing when Ziva was announced dead were cleared and gone. He still felt like he let her down in the first place. And that his actions caused her imprisonment in Somalia. But Ziva didn't blame him, therefore he did not do it either. He was back to the point where he drank because his body and his mind told him that he had to do it. And not to forget something or ease any pain. She never really talked about the things she had to endure in Africa but he knew when she came back, that Salim had done pretty bad things to Ziva. And she would talk with him about it, when she's ready. And like she was for him - he will be there for her. And listen. And hopefully, contrary to his problems, hers would be solved once and for all.

He continued blurring his days with the sweet taste of alcohol. And because he'd gotten better at hiding the indications, none of the other team members, not even Ziva, noticed it. It was the little things, that most of the time were not really work related, that were infected by his alcohol abuse.

He no longer drove Tim home if he wanted to spare him a bus ride, because he feared that the probie would smell the alcohol he drives home from the liquor store in his car every evening. He no longer came to team celebrations, officially of course, since he already had other plans, but in reality he had to maintain his facade that he was sober. Therefore, he would not be allowed to drink on such evenings, and he fears that his co-workers would notice the signs of withdrawal after an entire day of abstinence, since they have seen it on him before. He only wore full suits, didn't take off his jacket even at the highest temperatures. Why? Because he carried a stainless steel flask filled with something alcoholic in his pocket and didn't want the others to see. When he came to the office still a little hungover in the morning, he said that his childhood migraines had returned and he had been struggling with them again for some time. And on worse days, when he started drinking unnoticed in the bullpen shortly before closing time and was therefore unable to drive his car, he slept in Abby's lab to not get arrested for DUI again. Of course he waited until Abby drove home and set an alarm that rings before she reappears for work. He didn't know that Abby knew. She didn't know why, had the theory of a crazy ex girlfriend stalking him at his apartment, but she didn't ask him. Until now, he had been lucky that his alcohol consume hadn't interfered with his work yet. But that was going to change during the next day.

The team, for a long time now, has been after a man who drugs female Navy officers, rapes and kills them and cuts off their pinkys as trophy. So it was a big and important case, in which team gibbs hadn't got any further in months. Till today. Abby had found a substance in the sole prints of the last crime scene that she could now assign to a very specific warehouse. So far, they had never found any clues that could indicate who the culprit was. Neither fingerprints or hair, nor cigarette butts or other things that perpetrators usually leave behind at crime scenes, were found. All they could get from witness testimonies was that it was a man. Not exactly much to go with. But now, thanks to Abby, they may have found that guys location. Since the warehouse was very large, Gibbs ordered the others to split up. Everyone would encircle the suspect from a different direction so that he could not escape. Inside, Gibbs could only see a single person, which was a good thing. No civilians present who could get injured. He passed the information on to his team and on count of three they all entered the warehouse. The suspect seemed to have heard them before though, because he was on his way to the back exit. Towards his weapon. Towards Tony. The man seemed to know the area well because he could get out of sight. Tony just ran in the direction where he had last seen the man, and when he was walking around a container he was hit. A single bullet. In the chest, a little higher than where his vest reached.

When the others heard the gun shot they immediatly started worrying about Tony. It was just one, so either Tony hit the target or the target hit him, otherwise the other party would have fired back and more than just one gun shot would have appeared.

It was weird. Tony felt like, and actually was, hit, but he wasn't in pain, nor could he see a bullet wound. And no blood. He wasn't bleeding. He just had a slight pain on his chest, but nothing that prevented him from getting up again. He was standing on his feet again and looked down to his chest. That's when he realised why he wasn't hit. Well not properly hit. He saw what stopped the bullet, saw what his guardian angel was. And he smiled out of sheer irony. His steel flask (currently filled with Scotch) was, what stopped the bullet from entering and killing him where he stood. But he couldn't tell that to his team, so he took the flask and hid it in his pocket, behind the wallet. He pulled his bulletproof vest a little higher so that the others could not see the bullet entry in his shirt and ran after the suspect. He knew he would no longer catch the man, but he had to maintain the impression that the shot had missed him and that the suspect could distract him with that shot to escape. Tense and worried, his team caught up with him and examined him for a bullet wound. After finding none, they asked what had happened. Tony thought about a cover story and said that the moment he walked around the container, he saw the man and his gun and could dodge in time. Before he could continue on the trail, the man had disappeared and he would have had no chance of firing a shot at the guy as well. Tony hoped to God that they wouldn't be able to call him on his lie... and they didn't. They believed his story and Gibbs told them to look for the bullet. He said the murderer made a mistake and due to the fingerprints that will be on the bullet, they soon will be able to tell who their suspect is. Due to Tony's story the bullet had to be in one of the containers on the left behind him.

Tony, Ziva and Tim started looking for the bullet. Tony had a guilty conscience, but knew that he had to play along for the time being and pretend that the bullet had really missed him. Only after he and his colleagues had unsuccessfully searched, he could think of something he would do with the bullet, without on the one hand confessing his secret to his team and on the other hand sabotaging the investigation. Wow. What a job.

Chapter Text

It's the third day in a row that Gibbs wants his team to look for the bullet in one of the containers at the warehouse. Since Tonys shoot out with their suspect they hadn't found his projectile yet. Gibbs was mad and even grumpier the last days than usual. He belived Tony and had no doubts in his story but he couldn't figure out why his agents weren't able to find the one thing that would convict the killer. He was convinced that Abby could give them a name and picture of their perpetrator as soon as she ran the fingerprints, that would be on the cartridge, through the database. For that reason he did not want to give up the search, a bullet cannot simply disappear.

His boss would be beside himself and would probably take him off on leave if he knew that the evidence they had been looking for for days was in a flask in his apartment. And he would have every right to do so. But he couldn't say it. If he admitted to hiding evidence after such a long time, he would not only be excluded from the case, but fired for violating the law. Not to forget the alcohol problem, which he would have to admit. Even if he were not fired, he would have to attend rehab in a clinic at the instruction of the NCIS and that visit would be recorded in his file for the future, making it impossible to ever become a respected team leader or even keep his position as senior field agent. That was a real mess he got himself into. Three days ago, on the evening where it all happened, he already had doubts as to whether he could go so far as to damage his integrity as a professional investigator. But by serving up a wrong story to his team and writing the case report that fits the story, he was so caught up in the lie that the moment to tell the truth, was gone. As soon as they got back to the Navy Yard, the shirt with the bullet hole was hidden in his spint. Together with the flask and bullet they were looking for the entire day. After 13 years as a cop, detective and agent, it was now that he violated the law for the first time. He had sworn the only reason for that would justify arresting a criminal from the most wanted list. But now he lied and jeopardized the job he loved, only to save his "worthless ass", as Ziva once put it. He was walking between right an wrong. Between legal and illegal. And as rarely as it happened, Tony DiNozzo was scared. Scared of the consequences, sure. But also scared of what he had become. He went down on the same level as the criminals he was otherwise responsible for arresting. And maybe the current villain, because of him, would have another chance to kill another innocent woman before they could stop him. Because he hides the bullet that could convict him.

These doubts, and allegations about his actions, have made Tony appear very closed and mysterious to his colleagues over the past few days. Above all, Ziva noticed that he very much withdrew from the investigation and did not contribute to solving the case as usual. She noticed that something was bothering him and that he was unusually unfocused. She watched him closely for the past two days and today, and it seemed as if he was deep in his thoughts. Sometimes he goes to the men's room for several minutes. He then comes out with a wet face, as if trying to clear some thoughts and wash them away. Other times he disappears into the elevator alone, as if it were a space in which he could collect his thoughts and refocus. But if that was his intention, it didn't work very well, because she could still see that something was going on. He was torn. Between what, she didn't know. But she would find out.

On the weekend he had time to think about how he would proceed now. He sat down at his kitchen table with a bottle of whiskey and wrote down several options on a sheet of what he could do with the bullet. When he decided on one, he put on gloves, took tweezers out of his bathroom and, like a doctor during an operation on the human body, carefully took the bullet out of the flask.

On Monday he went down to Abbys lab and told her that he finally found the bullet when he was, seperated from the others, looking for it again. He told Abby she should run the fingerprints on it, but shouldn't tell Gibbs or anyone else, because it could be a bullet from a totally different action that took place sometime else than when they have been there. Abby was suspicious, what other actoins would take place in an empty warehouse than their haunt after a killer, but agreed to his condition not to tell anybody. What the two of them didn't notice was, that Ziva was standing outside the door, she happened to be listening in after she was originally on her way to Abby because of developments on a cold case. She wondered why Tony tricked Abby into lying to them , so when Tony got into the elevator to go back to the bullpem she followed him inside.

"What was that about? You have found our missing bullet?"

" I found A bullet. Not sure it's the one we were looking for"

He decided to play along with the lie he just told Abby because he wasn't sure how much of the conversation was overheard by Ziva.

"How many bullets would be there, in a container close to an empty warehouse?"

" I don't know Ziva, I am not a psychic"

"You are very pensive. Have been for the past days actually. You mind telling me what's going on inside there"

While saying that she came closer to him and tapped at his head. And she warned him to say :"nothing" because she told him she had eyes and wouldn't believe him.

"You ever told a lie that big, that if the wrong people find out, the entire life you build for youself is in jeopardy?"

"What do you mean, Tony. Are you troubled?"

" - in trouble... and no. Not yet, anyway. I just did something... not exactly brilliant. But I can't tell you, Ziva, so please stop asking."

With that he got out of the elevator.

"Can't or won't?"

But she didn't get an answer.

Before he went home this evening, he took his shirt from the shoot out of his locker and took it home with him to get rid of it. He felt like he told Ziva too much and that she may would figure out that something is wrong, soon. Just when he was about to leave he got a call from Abby. He should come to her lab because she had found something. When he got down, Abby and Ziva were standing infront of him and the goth closed the door behind him. His heart began to race. Ziva apparently told Abby about her concerns and Abby on the other hand had told Ziva everything about the bullet she got from him. He couldn't look the girls in the eyes and suddenly the floor became very interesting to him.

"So, I ran the fingerprints on the bullet you gave me. And everything else that was on it."

In her Abby-way she told them that she had found another metal besides the one from the bullet. One that, however, has nothing to do with the material of a container, so she had doubts that Tony told her the truth about where he had supposebly found it. In addition, she would have discovered traces of alcohol and a white fabric. She excitedly told Tony and Ziva that she would never doubt their abilities or statements. But now she had doubts. She insisted on Tony telling her where he really got the bullet from and was outraged that he believed he could outwit her with such a bad lie.

"Tell me where you really found it!"

After seconds of hesitation he finally came clean and told the girls ashamed the story of what really happened when they were out in the field that day.

"In me. It hit me"

"What, Tony when we found you, you were not harmed. You were fine."

"That's because something stopped it from hitting my chest."

"But your vest wasn't hit either"

"But my... flask was. The guy shot me when I got around the corner. I'd be dead if I hadn't had it with me. I hid my shirt in the locker and didn't tell you guys I was hit because I was ashamed that you'd find out."

"What, find out what?"

"That he's drinking again, Ziva"

After Abby uttered this sentence out loud, his eyes fluttered back and forth, looking at everything but the eyes of the two women. From one second to the next, Ziva's gaze turned to stone, resulting in an image mixed with disappointment and anger. She ordered Abby to open the door and the next moment she ran out of the room to the stairs.

"Ziva!"

But she didn't stop at his words. She was too angry with him.

Abby didn't know what to say, probably for the first time in her life. She only said disappointed that he still did the right thing by bringing her the bullet instead of hindering the investigation. Then she said that he should get help, urgently, and that he should talk to Ziva as soon as possible, because he needed her. After that Abby, too, left the lab and he was standing alone in the middle of the room. He headed to the wall, leaned against it and slid down his back against it so that he was sitting on the floor. He pulled his legs up, put his arms on them, and dropped his head. NOW he could really use a drink, but that's what got him into this mess in the first place. It would be a bad idea, but considering that other people knew now anyway, where was the point of hiding it any longer. Besides, as soon as Ziva or Abby tells Gibbs tomorrow morning he will be on administrative leave and wouldn't need to work. So it makes no difference what state he shows up in tomorrow if he is not working anyway.

He got up from the ground and out of the lab, into the elevator, down to the parking lot and then into the bar next to the Navy Yard where Tim had to pick him up once, before.

Chapter Text

While running she was... actually she didn't know what she was. Angry? Disappointed? Hurt? Betrayed? Or even all of it together. Tony was drinking again and he never told her. They always cared for each other and therefore shared intimite emotions and feelings that they would never entrust anyone else. But this time he didn't, he stayed silent and lied to her and eventually it got him in really big trouble. She knew she had to get out of Abby's lab, otherwise she would have done something she may regret later. She had started crying the second she reached the stairs and heard him calling her name. But she couldn't stand looking at him right now. In the past Tony had struggled with alcoholism before and it wasn't easy but they got through it together. So why didn't he tell her? Didn't trust her? Rule#28: 'When you need help - ask'. It is even a rule. She would have been the supportive friend that he WITHOUT A DOUBT needed.

She ran up the stairs and was very happy when she realised that Gibbs had already left when she entered the bullpen. Because Gibbs was always able to read their minds and tell what is nagging on them. And she would have been afraid that she would not have been able to look him in the eyes and tell him she was okay. Probably all her worries and all her anger towards Tony would have found their ways out of her mouth. That would not have been within her interest, although she was mad at her Partner she knew she couldn't call him out on Gibbs. Because that would bring Tony in much more trouble and it would break his fatherly relationship with their teamleader. Tony and Gibbs were like family. Families love stronger but she knew, out of own experiences, that in families feelings of disapointment and anger are stronger, too. And if Gibbs found out what Tony did and that he fell of the weagon it would only make matters worse.

Abby was considered one of the happiest persons on earth. At least that's what many people she dealt with told her before and she actually felt it was nice to have such a positiv impact on other people. But why, why couldn't she have such a positiv impact on Tony. Since he started at NCIS about 9 years ago, the two of them were very close. She could tell, just as Ducky said once before, that Tony was a lonely man and in some aspects of his life was very similar to Gibbs. But to her it seemed like he always had a blast and a wonderful time when they spend time together. They had less contact when Ziva came into the picture, but that was okay with Abby because she thought that the Mossad liaison officer could fill a void in Tonys life that had been there since Wendy broke off the wedding a day before it was supposed to happen. When she remembers correctly that was the first time that she had seen Tony roaringly drunk. He didn't handle the breakup very well, but besides Abby no one knew what really happend. Tony showed up that night at her doorstep and couldn't stand on his own feet alone. He smelled like he had been swimming in a big pool of booze had even cryed infront of her, although that was a sign of weekness. But the occaisons on which Tony would be drinking this heavily were very rare and he always seemed to know his limit. That's why she is wondering right know how it gotten so far. So far that Tony was drinking on the job. So far that even after he was sober he fell off the weagon and drank himself into a stuper every night. So far, that he was about to interfere with one of his own investigations and so far, that he actually betrayed his own team. What rule was that exactly... yeah, #1. 'Don't screw over your partner'. Well that probably counts for the whole team, too. Tony broke Gibbs most important rule and Abby knew Gibbs would not be forgiven that easily with Tony like he was the first time. Tony needs help. He ist stubborn, so he probably wouldn't talk to a shrink and would only consider checking himself into a clinic if the director told him to, to keep his job. But as long as the others don't know that Tony started drinking again, he would not seek for professional help. However, THAT is what Tony really needs. Abby didn't know what to do next, should she tell the others or let Ziva try to handle it. She knew Ziva was mad at Tony right now, but she also knew that she would never let him face something like that alone. She was ready to lie for Tony anytime, but this time around she wasn't sure that it would be the right thing to do or that it would even get him into more trouble.

Like he thought before, he was sure to have lost his job by the morning. When he walks in the bullpen, when he walks towards Gibbs. Because Abby and Ziva would tell Gibbs. They had to. Abby for the sake of their investigation and Ziva for the sake of her own safety out in the field when he, a drunk, a failure, a nobody was to have her back. He could see the disappointment in her eyes and Abbys words to look for help just made his current state of mind worse. Because he knew she was right, he knew that she herself knew that she was right and he was just pissed that it seemed like everyone around him but himself noticed that he needed help. He was ashamed. And he felt guilty Ziva had to find out this way because deep down he wanted to tell her, because he trusted her and was closer to her than anyone else. But after she returned from Somalia he thought she had enough bad things on her mind and wouldn't need his struggles on top of that.

Right now Tony was torn between so many emotions. He worried to loose his Job in the morning, he was ashamed that his coworkers, two of his best friends found out about his dark secret, he was sad because he knew he let Ziva down and because of that he was insecure that she would agree to help him this time again. But what did it matter now? Tomorrow he would be screwed and Ziva would want nothing to do with him anymore. He was supposed to be her rock, the one she could come to for safety or when she was scared, of course she would never admit she was scared - but it happend before. So it doesn't matter what he would do tonight.

He ordered another drink and he could feel the alcohol already in his system. Tony was literally lying on the bench in the back of the bar. Everything turned around him, he saw things all blurry and he had immediately dumped any women who wanted to sit down at the table with him. Currently he was nursing a bottle of tequila. he thought about how much Ziva used to enjoy that drink at office partys or when they had movie nights before the happenings with Jenny. The bartender was about to close the bar. But Tony thought he wasn't drunk enough yet when he still could think about Ziva and Jenny. He put money on the table, becuase he couldn't see straight he probably paid wayyy too much. He stumbled out of the bar, his head hung low and he made sure to touch the wall with every second step to make sure to not fall over. When he was outside the door he asked another man wether he knew a 24/7 diner he could go to that serves alcohol. The man offered him a cigarette and proposed to give him a ride to a place he knew. In his drunken state he took the cigarette, let the man light it up but refused the offer. He would walk, he could use the fresh air.

As he stumbled down the street, he took a few drags from the cigarette. He didn't like the taste at all and although he wasn't a smoker, he often found himself with a cigarette in hand on his particularly drunken days. As he once drunkenly watched a documentary about alcohol, the voice in the TV explained, that this phenomenon happened to lot of people because of the positive chemical reactions the combination of alcohol and tabacco brought to the brain cells. He exhaled smoke out of his mouth as he found himself infront of the 24/7 place he was looking for. He finished the cigarette outside, went inside and ordered himself a boubon and a mixed drink of vodka-redbull. The sweeter the drink, the less it burns going down his throat. He didn't notice that it was already 5:30am. He had to show up in the office at 7:00. He was already completely wasted but was sure that by the time he showed up at work it would be even worse. And the others would be bloody mad. Speaking of the others - through his blurred view he saw that Ziva had called him a couple of times during the night, it seemed like she couldn't sleep either. But during his drinking binge he hadn't noticed his phone ringing but he was sure she would be disappointed enough when she saw him in the morning and in addition to her feelings she would have the answer why he couldn't answer her calls.

Chapter Text

Gibbs entered the bullpen at 6:30 this morning and wondered why Abby was already in, too. He went downstairs into her lab and caught her deep in thought. He didn't know what was bothering her, but he was sure she would tell him. Because the young woman, like a daughter to him, had always confided in him with all her worries.

Abby was writing her forensic report on the bullet Tony had given her, trying to include enough details to make sure the criminal could be arrested on the basis of it, while also making sure she didn't extradite Tony and risk his job. Although he owed it all to himself. But Abby was sure she couldn't see her friend lose his livelihood due to a mistake and his only relationship with a father figure being destroyed in the long term. She was deep in thoughts and didn't notice Gibbs walking into her lab. When she turned around to get a caf pow, though, she was faced with the teamleader. Stumbling over her own words as usual she tried to convince Gibbs that everything was fine and that he would have her report by lunch. Gibbs gave her a caf pow and turned around on his heels, not really fooled by Abbys sudden positive attitude. He faced her again and saw Abby almost crying. She demanded that he could not be mad if she told her what she was about to tell him. She explained that Tony brought her a bullet with the fingerprints of their suspect on Monday although he had found it on Friday. The reason for that she didn't want to tell, so he had to ask Tony himself. Although Gibbs promised Abby to not be mad, he was very furious to discover that his second in command hindered the investigation and lied to his teammates. He didn't know what to think about this and now he had to get back to work and confront Tony with the allusions. He went to the elevator and when it opened he didn't believe his eyes.

A disheveled, tired, bad smelling and, oh yeah, completely wasted senior field agent was sitting in the elevator. Beer bottle still in his hand and Gibbs actually was surprised that security let him inside the Navy Yard looking, smelling and very likely stumbling through the hallways like that.

When Tony spend the rest of the night in the diner, he left about 6:00am. It wasn't that far away from the Navy Yard, so no need to call a cab. Not that any cab driver would have accepted to drive him anyway. He wanted to enter the building through the evidence garage so he had not to face the security guards, he just needed to pass the iris scanner. Due to his dialated pupils from the booze though, that didn't work. He walked back to the parking lot and asked another agent to get him into the building. To not cause any suspicion he told the agent that he was returning from an undercover mission in a bar and forgot his badge inside. Pretty smart consodering the amount of alcohol he consumed over the past 8 hours. Once Tony was inside he took the elevator because he wasn't in any state to be able to climb the stairs. Inside the elevator his legs gave up under his weight. It was obvious enough that he was too drunk to be working today and there was no way in hell his boss let him carry a weapon like that. But that was the point. His boss probably would never let him handle a gun again once he found out about his actions. Because of that he got out another beer bottle out of the bag in his pants. Opened it with his teeth. He didn't care that at any time someone could come inside and see him like that. He took another gulp from the bottle and let his arms slide to the sides of his body. He drank the entire night and he couldn't even pull a button to one of the stairwells so he just decided to wait until the next person enters the elevator. It only needed a few seconds until the door slid open and in front of him stood his boss Leroy Jethro Gibbs. For the first time since he worked for Gibbs he didn't care what the man thought about him or his actions. He didn't even realise the man's presence at first. It needed a big fat head slap to bring Tony back to reality and the famous Gibbs stare to make him to try to stand up. After failing two times Gibbs helped him up and made him lean to the elevator walls. He looked his agent in the eyes and anger turned up inside his stomach when he saw how glazed and bloodshot they were. Tony must have been drinking heavily.

"What the hell, DiNozzo!?"

But he didn't get an answer.

Suddenly Gibbs realised that this had something to do with the fact that Abby was so mystical about the reason why Tony gave her the bullet but lied about where he found it. The boy was hitting the bottle again. And by the look of it - he didn't care to hide it anymore. He could only guess. Gibbs thought that Tony, probably in his alcohol imbided mind, forgot to tell them and couldn't think straight earlier than monday morning. And then Gibbs understood why Abby didn't want to tell him everything and why she told him to talk to Tony in person first.

Gibbs grabbed the bottle out of Tonys hand and asked again.

"What's going on with you? How did they let you enter the building like this?"

"Parta my charm, bss"

"Not what I was asking, DiNozzo. Come on, let's get to my car, I'll get you home. Can't work like that."

"Thass the poin, isn it. Don hava job anymore. Doesn mattr. She's mad, you're mad, am justa screw up."

"God, DiNozzo. I have no idea what you're talking about. ...You up to walking through the office like a normal person?"

"Don know, bss. Evrythin's petty blurred righ now."

To get back to the parking lot Gibbs would have to carry Tony through the bullpen, through a room with more curious eyes than anywhere else. If anyone notices what's going on with his agent, he would be the new number one topic of the office chatter. Not to forget Vance. The director doesn't treat a drunk agent lightly.

"Well you don't have another option. Just act as normal as possible. You can sit down again after we're outside."

The two of them left the elevator and headed to Tonys desk, another place he could sit down for a little time so no one would notice how much he actually trembled over his own two feet. McGee already sat on his desk and his eyes followed the movements of his colleagues. By the look on Gibbs' face he didn't dare to ask what was going on, though. Just when Tony passed Gibbs desk and was about to stumble to his own, Ziva entered the bullpen. When she saw his sore movements and the drunken gaze in his eyes, she got mad at him. Because he drank. Again. Even after Abby told him to get help and even after what trouble his drinking got him into. He let her backpack slide behind her desk and then stood infront of Tony. Close enough that she could smell the alcohol on his breath through his closed mouth. Close enough that if one of them would move forward only for an inch, their noses would have touched. She didn't say anything, just waited for him to say something. Her expression still filled with anger because he left her in the dark about his problems although she had helped him in the past with it. When he didn't say anything she gave him a very painful slap in the face in front of everyone. Gibbs kind of catching him was the only reason he didn't fall over. Even Gibbs was surprised, ordered all the other people to care about their own stuff. "Show's over!". He guessed she had a reason for it considering Tony didn't say anything and looked like he earned it. Ziva rushed passed them without looking at Tony again, a tear escaped her eye and she was on her way to Abby. McGee stood up and was right behind her. For different resons. Of course he wanted to know what happened and why Ziva slapped their colleague, he wanted to know wether they knew how long Tony had been drinking again, and the whole situation made him uncomfortable enough to know that he didn't want to be in the same room with Gibbs right now.

The two men went out of the Yard, inside Gibbs car, he warned Tony to puke or he would have to clean it up himself, and then Gibbs drove to his house. He assisted Tony to get out of the car, through the door and into bed. To sleep it off. He went to his basement and got rid of all the alcohol just to make sure. He would talk to Tony later when he was sober. Or at least not that drunk as he was right now. Before he left again, he placed two aspirin, a bottle of water and the trash can next to the bed to make sure his boy had everything he needed once the hangover started.

The rest of the day in the office was rather quiet. Neither of the three dared to say a word about Tony to the others. His welfare was the big elephant in the room. After Abby was able to take the fingerprints from the cartridge and they had a face and name for their culprit, he was caught by local leo's in the middle of today and got arrested. After an interrogation with Gibbs, he had finally confessed to all deeds and they could consider the case as solved. It just felt kind of wrong for all of this to happen without Tony. Around 5pm Gibbs let his team go and he drove home to devote himself to his problematic agent.

Tony was still asleep on the bed, but Gibbs didn't want to wait any longer to talk to him. So he woke him up with pouring water over his face. Tony woke up, but his sudden movements made him puke. He managed to sit up on the bed after that, trash can infront of him in his hands and his boss sat down next to him.

"So... explain"

"Nothin' to tell, boss"

Gibbs just glared at him, he knew better than to argue with Tony now. He would tell him eventually. At the latest when he feels the desire to drink again, but will not find any alcohol in the house. He closed the door, hid the key and told Vance that he and Tony would be out of the office for a few days, following a lead on a cold case. Gibbs made them a steak and in the evening they were watching an old western together. Everything seemed so normal but both men knew it was just a hallow shell that would soon burst. Tony got to sleep early and Gibbs got down in the basement working on the boat, going to bed late. The next morning they sat at the breakfast table.

"Can I go home now, I'm better already and don't need a babysitter"

Gibbs didn't say anything, he thought Tony would continue to speak.

"What? You think I can't take care of myself!?"

"Didn't look like it yesterday."

"I give you that, but I am fine."

"When you're drunk, I'm sure you are. How long?"

"How long, what?"

"Don't act stupid, Tony, you know that doesn't work with me."

"Okay... I don't think that's any of your buisiness. Point is, you know now that I do again, so I figure I'm off the team. Would do the same thing if I were in your position."

"I won't kick you out. Not now at least. You found the bullet, the only thing we got to get that SOB. ... Abby told me you gave it to her on Monday although you had it on Friday already. Why did you wait. Why act as if and search for it with Ziva and Tim?"

"Cause it hit me, well not properly obviously, but it hit my flask. I didn't want you guys to know about my thing so I waited to think about my choices."

With that Gibbs understood that Tony was actually about to interfere with the investigation and that the case report he wrote was wrong. He had comitted a fallony just to protect his lie.

"That why Ziva slapped you?"

"Because of what? Got a lot of reasons here, Gibbs. You gotta be a bit more specific."

"You lied to her."

"And to every single other person on the team, I'm aware. But I don't think that's it. She's pissed cause I didn't tell her about my slips and she found out through Abby."

"Don't think your drinking binges are just slips anymore, Anthony."

"Fine, she's mad I didn't tell her I'm a drunk. She's mad she didn't realise I fell off the weagon again a while ago. She's mad that our relationship wasn't the same anymore after Somalia and she thinks that's why I didn't tell her. Cause she thinks I didn't trust her. She's mad that I risked my job over this, although I think that's really not her problem. Like I said, there are lots of reasons."

"Think she's mad cause she cares about you. You two should talk."

"How am I supposed to do that when I'm locked up in here!? And besides I don't think she wants to see me right now, showing up at her's would be a bad idea."

"Not if you show up sober for once."

"Haven't been entirely sober for over half a year now, how do you suppose I do that."

"Stay here. For one more day. Then you go to her. And start with an apology. She deserves to hear one from you."

"Oh she deserves an apology!? I mean I was drunk, but I remember it that way, that SHE hit ME!"

"Cause you acted like an ass. Man up. I know you can do better than this, Tony. I have known you now for over 9 years. You made me proud several times over the years, but what you're doing now, doesn't only hurt you. And you're right, I have to put you on desk duty now. But I WANT you back in the field, because you are the best agent I ever worked with. Get your act together, and if you need help with that - ask. It's one of the unwritten rules, I learned as a marine 'never leave a man behind'. I never did and I'm sure as hell not doing it now."

"I'm not sure I can do it, I tried to dry out a couple of times, but with every relapse it just got worse. ... I'm a screw up and nothing like the guy you hired back then."

"You're right, you're not like him anymore. You're better. At least if you want to be. And we will help you through it. But I really think you should consider getting professional help. We will be there to help you, but we have no experiences with that."

"Okay. ... Thanks boss. I think I really needed this... talk."

Chapter Text

As agreed, Tony spends the next day with Gibbs. However, not too much is left of the positive mood of the previous day. Tony gets upset very easily and gets angry quickly when Gibbs speaks to him about his whims. The team leader had already twice caught his senior field agent looking for alcohol in the basement. And also more than once the young man had looked for the front door key in order to disappear and probably to take refuge in the next bar.

At some moments Gibbs did not recognize his protégé. How did it come that far, that Tony had completely succombed to alcohol without him noticing it. Come on, he saw him every day. In the office, out in the field. What if something had happened? And it would have been Tonys fault because he was loaded? Yet, nobody had been hurt, but Tony already wrote a false report and hid evidence from the rest of the team. He had to help Tony through this phase to make sure that he would never have to lie again or risk is job. To make sure that he has his loyal st bernard right behind him in the future. He would do everything for Tony. That's why he erased the case report he got from his agent a few days ago, and wrote a new one. One were Tony is neither lying nor exposed. A move he wouldn't do for anybody.

Tony felt bad during the day. He tried so hard to hide the shakes, his mood swings, his anger, his trambeling hands and the sweat attacks. He felt exposed to Gibbs and ashamed that the one man who was like a father to him had to see him like that. So weak. He tried to stay strong and even managed to get through the first night, have that conversation and the will power to stop this. But the longer he went on without any alcohol for too long, it got harder. First his body betrays his mind and signalises that it needs the booze. After that his mind starts to betray himself and all he can think about is that first drink. That in the last month had always turned into many more. And more. And more. And right now, he needed more, or at least some. But his boss apparently hid everything when they got there. And on top of that, for the first time in his life probably, Gibbs closed the front door. And then hid the key.

Tony was angry. He was beeing treated like a five year old who wasn't allowed to go outside. Tony's pressure to drink grew stronger and his actions and reactions to Gibbs' statements became more and more unpredictable. He could see the helplessness in the eyes of his "father" and now suspected that the man was not aware of how bad he really was. The next moment Tony suddenly ran into the bathroom and locked himself in it. He hit the mirror until his hands were covered in blood and the mirror was completely destroyed. By the time Gibbs got upstairs, the young man was apologizing but shouting at him. It was frustrating to watch. Tony said that knowing and realizing for himself that he has a problem makes him angry. He's angry that he can no longer rely on his own thoughts, feelings, and instincts. Angry because that's what made him a failure and his father confirmed when he once told him he would end up in the gutter.

No matter how long Tony could stay here in the house without the alcohol, Gibbs knew that as soon as he had to go back to work and Tony left the house, he would seek refuge in the bottle. Gibbs knew this and was 100% sure about it, but had no idea how to prevent it.

Only one single person would have enough power and influence over Tony to stop that from happening. Ziva. Aside from rule 12 everyone knew those two had a special bond and a tight relationship. While this relationship had been put to the test lately, Gibbs was certain that the young woman was the only authority in Tony's life he would do anything for. Tony had managed to get better with Ziva's help once in the past. It would be worth trying to include her in Tony's recovery this time as well. As far as she wants to. Gibbs was deep in thought, so he didn't notice Tony climbing out of the bathroom window. He was gone even before Gibbs could enter the room. He knew that he couldn't do much more at this point and decided to go down to the basement and continue his work on the boat. He figured Tony would show up later the night, drunk, and once again apologise and promise to change and get better. The same few words he told Gibbs yesterday evening would be said in the morning after Tony recovers from yet another hangover. Same shit different day Gibbs thought and went downstairs.

After climbing out the window and running away as fast as he could, he was sure Gibbs didn't follow him. He was free now. He could do whatever he wanted. And he knew exactly what he wanted. A drink. And probably more than just the one. To his own suprise though, he didn't call a cab to drive him to the next bar. Instead he called Ziva. She didn't answer, likely because she was still mad at him and figured he called for a ride home after another drinking marathon. But in reality he called her because he missed his friend, wanted to hear her voice to calm him down and make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid. Hers was the only voice that had such an impact on him. But when she didn't pick up he took it as a sign. That a higher power didn't want him to stop. Didn't want him to stay clear headed tonight. So he started walking and within 10 minutes he found a nice bar.

He got in, ordered a gin tonic and just when he wanted to take a sip (or down the entire glass) he saw the silhouette of a familiar face on one of the stools. Ziva. She was drinking a non-alcoholic cocktail. Tony got up took his drink with him and sat at the stool next to her. She looked at his choice of drink and was about to leave just when Tony ordered a coke from the bartender and told him to bring the gin tonic to girl a few steps away.

On the inside Ziva was smiling, on the outside she was still all cold on emotion.

"I see you ended up in a bar again."

"Well, I could try and lie, tell you I was just following you, but I guess that would be a bad idea, considering that's why you're pissed at me."

"I am not pissed at you, Tony. Just disapointed. Because I have known you for a little while now and still you refused to come to me."

"After Somalia you didn't come to me either. Ya know, this is a road that goes both ways."

Ziva knew that one day they would talk about all those things, but she figured a bar filled with strangers wouldn't be the right place to discuss such sensitive feelings and topics. She paid for both of their drinks, got up and left the bar.

"Are you coming already, DiNozzo?"

He smiled, got up and followed her outside. They got into Zivas car and drove to her apartment. Once they were upstairs they sat down on the couch. In the light of her apartment she saw Tonys bloody hand for the first time. She got bandates and medicine, put his hand under cold water and then took care of it. She told him that it was nice to see him aside from the office again. Because she missed their talks and she admitted that she had missed Tony as her friend. Ziva told him that the reason she's so upset is that on the one hand of course she was disapointed he hadn't told her about his problems and on the other hand she was angry with herself because she felt bad for not realising that something was wrong with her partner in crime and honestly best friend. She was angry with herself that after Somalia she didn't tell him about her nightmares and they kind of stopped being there for each other. And she missed that. And she missed Tony.

"It is very nice to have you over here again. You have not been over for quite a time."

"True. ... That's cause nobody invited me."

"You really need an invitation? You have been, and always will be welcome. ... When you're sober. I do not ever want to see you drunk again. And I will not ever take care of you again when you are. You are too important for me, to watch you hurt and destroy yourself."

Tony listened intensively to her words and he was fascinated. Right now every word out of her mouth was truth- and regretful. Nothing like her actions back in the office a few days ago. That actually made Tony feel more uncomfortable, because he could handle an angry Mossad assassin. But he was not very trained in talking with her when she got emotional. They have had those talks before, but never had he seen her that open and honest. And certainly NEVER ever had she admitted she made a mistake. And right now she even was apologising for something that, in Tonys point of view, wasn't even her fault.

"Look... I want to apologise to you, too, Ziva. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I really wanted to but after Somalia I feared you couldn't handle any more pain ... emotionally spoken.

It was just ... when they said you were dead, that really shocked me and I missed you. A lot. I felt it was my responsability because you left because of me in the first place. I couldn't stand that the last thing I remembered us doing ... was fighting. That hurt and without you I didn't know what to do. I am honestly sorry."

"You didn't know what to do, so you started drinking again - like the time when we lost Jenny and you felt responisible. Tony you are too hard with yourself, not every bad thing is your fault. And I forgive you ... for not telling me. I am not sure that I can forgive you anout your actions that easily, too. Because you are a very important person in my life and I do not enjoy watching loved ones struggling."

"Loved ones, huh" .

He said that with a big smile on his face. And she said he'd know what she meant. It felt a little like in the old times again. For both of them. But every partie knew that with a simple conversation this situation wont be solved. Ziva certainly realised again, when she noticed Tonys trembling hands and his nervousity.

" How was it in Gibbs' house the last two days? I have actually thought you would still be there instead of a local bar. And I would have expected Gibbs to head slap you into unconsiousness if you left the house to get drunk again."

" Well I am a smart guy, managed to escape the casa de Gibbs."

" To get wasted again. I would not be so proud of that. But it is a start that you reconsidered your choices when you saw me."

" Hmm... I couldn't let you down and make a pretty woman sad. And I'm sure as hell not proud of it, it's just what I needed in that moment."

" Do you need it now?"

She asked when she was pointing to his shaking hands and in reality already knew the answer.

" Kinda need it all the time. But I don't want to anymore.

Sometimes it get's pretty damn hard although I have only been sober for about 2 and a half days now. And I get weak and want to drink something. Gibbs was smart, though. Hid or drank all his bourbon by himself before I could get my hands on it. That was probably for the best, but still very deliberating. He told me to ask for help. Professionals. I don't really want to. I'd prefer my friends or people I know, so I wanted to ask you to help me ... again. I know it's a lot to ask and you can say no if you don't want to, I understand... but I'd appreciate it."

Ziva came closer to him and put one of her hands to his cheek. After telling him "I would do everything for you" she gave him a hug and thanked him for the return of her friend. They watched some movies together, for the old times sake and in the evening they cooked together. Tony made italian pasta and Ziva an israeli dessert. They laughed together and some of the ingredients landed on their clothes and faces. Luckily she still had a few of Tony's change clothes in her apartment from the last time he stayed after a movie night. He changed - infront of her. And neither of them felt weird about it. Ziva smearked a little and Tony actually tensed his stomach so that he could show off every muscle on his body. When Tony wanted to make his own bed for the night on Zivas couch, she offered him to sleep in the bed. It would be much more comfortable and he would have more space than on the couch even with her in it, too.

When Ziva opened her eyes the next morning she notices Tony is almost cuddling and his hand is around her. Instead of getting up or putting it away, she takes it into one of her own hands and continues sleeping. Tony had been awoke as well and was watching Ziva sleep and slowly waking up. When she took his hand into one of her own, he knew they would be good. He would be good. And if she needed something in the future he would be there for her to make sure, she would be good, too.