Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tris's POV

The chasm has never seemed this peaceful. It was a sign of my weakness, my determination…my love. Decades have passed since Tobias and I were sat on the rock. I thought that we were complicated then but now I don't even have the words to express our relationship.

The words of my father find their way into my head, “what makes you think you have the right to shoot someone?” He wasn't questioning the choice that I made rather than the reasons I had for declaring power over someone's life. I didn't have a gun, a knife or any kind of lethal weapon but by choosing to save Hector, I condemned Marlene and the green haired girl to death. A laugh hitches in my throat at the fact that even her name is lost along with her life. Is that what death is;losing your identity? If it is then I fear I am already dead.

Five lives. Five people that I condemned to death simply for knowing me. Who am I to have that power and who is Jeanine to thrust it upon me? I know I am a danger to those around me yet I can't bring myself to leave them. Like Caleb, my selfless brother who always knew the right thing to do (how Erudite of him) who I still clutch in these fatal hands of mine. No one can die on my account. Not Uriah, not Zeke or Shauna or Lynn or Christina…or Tobias. He loves Tris the divergent; Tris the divergent who killed her mum and her dad and her friends and complete strangers; Tris the divergent who was so scared, that he would see her for who she truly was, that she broke them to the point that they were held together by a strand of hair; Tris the divergent who is such a coward, she cannot stand to face Uriah or any of the dauntless, instead leaning against the railing of the chasm, whose sound fills the night with roars and crashes, alone with nothing but fear. He calls me brave, smart, kind and selfless but right now, I'm finding it difficult to be one of those. How can I be with him when he is who I want him to be, need him to be and I am nothing but a disappointment in his eyes. I killed my parents and he supported me, I killed Will and I kept it from him, now I've killed Marlene and a young girl I don't know how he will stand to look at me.

Dauntless was just a label, a label that wasn't true to its wearer. I thought I was brave listening in on Jack Kang, thought I was brave stabbing Eric with no back up, I even thought I was brave when I was an initiate. Turns out I was wrong. He was the brave one. Taking shit from Marcus for all those years. Being first in initiation without any help. Discovering dauntless for what it was and deciding to not be part of it, to be his own person, to be divergent. He even risked his position and life to get me through initiation, to keep me with him. He says he loves me but I never answer him back. He says he wants me back but he's changed just like me. He says I'm perfect as I am but I am not. Yet he's the only one who has ever filled the hole in my heart. The only one who has ever truly believed in me and ignored my weaknesses. The only one who can love me and find a way for me to love him back.

He'll tell me not to go. He'll make promise to stay with him but I won't listen. I won't listen because to be selfless, kind, brave and smart I have to give myself to Jeanine. I've resolved my issues with Christina, I've caused more than enough trouble here, there's nothing to keep me. Nothing but the dark blue eyes that can see into my mind within a moment of looking into mine. Tobias is the only one who'll persuade me to go so as long as I stay away from him and I distract myself from the feelings that run through me when we touch, like flowers will grow and bloom from that single touch because when he kisses me it's like life its self is spilling into my body. I have to go. To save him and save myself.
After dinner the obvious place of refuge is Tobias’s apartment. The only place in this god damned city where I could be myself and be with him. I nudge the door open with foot. I stride across the room to the bed, my hands clutching the quilt that lays upon it. Once upon a time it smelt of him, but now it smells of dust with only a hint of Tobias cause he hasn't slept here in so long. Yet when he finds me sat here in his apartment sniffing his belongings he does not look confused or worried(for my sanity) or happy to see me, he just looks angry.

As I expected, he tells me not go and I tell him I have to. He tells me he needs me and I tell him I am insignificant. He tells me he wouldn't move on if I died and I tell him there is nothing special about my life, my love. I promise him not to go. I promise. A promise that makes me ache and scream in pain at what I'm doing to him but he will move on and he will love another; and although it breaks my heart to think of him with another, I am happy to know he will be happy and loved. But now is not the time for me to think of him with someone else. Now is the time for me to focus on Tobias. On his lips on mine. His hands roaming up and down my back.

Chapter Text

Tobias’s POV
She didn't go. She can't have gone. She promised. She told me she wouldn't. After last night how could she. Surely she felt it too. Surely she realised just how much she means to me. She must know that last night wasn't enough. It will never be enough.

I crash my lips against hers in a desperate attempt to show her how much I love her. It starts out desperate and sloppy before evolving into a kiss of such passion and lust. I lick her bottom lip, immediately opening her mouth up to me. Our tongues touch and I am lost in the moment-lost in her. She fights to dominate like she always does. I win. Pushing her down onto the bed I can feel fear in my heart mixed with the need to be with her and I know she feels the same way.

I walk to the dining hall. I run. Uriah and Zeke are sat on a table with Lynn. No Tris. Zeke meets my eye and knows that somethings wrong. How could anything be right at the moment. I hasten to take a seat beside them.
“Please tell me you saw Tris this morning,” I ask before my backside hits the seat.
“No mate sorry,” Zeke replies, “though I am told she spent the night with you?” He adds raising his eyebrows in that cocky way.
I do not reply.
“The stiff?” Lynn interjects, “with you? I don't believe that for a second. She wouldn't.”
Oh, but she would.

My pulse quickens and our kiss deepens. When we eventually break apart I stare into her stormy grey eyes like they are the gateway to a distant world; a world where the storm that lies within us both will carry us into a distant dream. I start to kiss her neck. Her jawline. Any part of her body that is revealed to me. I leave a trail of kisses on her ivory skin before kneeling above her. Slowly, so as to not scare her or myself, I take my t-shirt off. I look back at her, her eyes dulled by the look of awe and lust. I reach down to help her with her top. In one swift motion her back is bare and she lays on my bed looking like an angel in disguise. She looks me up and down and smirks, a smile of amusement and fear. Suddenly my trousers feel uncomfortably tight and I know my face is going red. I'm about to move off the bed when her hands move down my body. Unzipping my trousers, she pulls them down for me to kick off my legs. She then lays back down, an invitation for me to do the same for her. My hands hovering above her hips, I look at her for confirmation. Before she knows it she's spread on the bed in nothing but her bra and pants.

I can't sit here listening to mindless chit chat and noise. She left me and I can't do anything but wait for her inevitable death. I'd go if I could. I'd storm the headquarters on my own, without back up just so I can find her. So I can save her. Yet I'm just sat here. What would Tori say if I did that? But why should she dictate what I do? Nobody controls me except Tris. I move so quickly that by the time anybody realises I have left the table I'm a foot away from the door. My legs carry me to the weapons chamber, my mind lingering on thoughts from last night.

My kisses seem to burn into her skin. I move down her body kissing, biting, sucking. I leave a couple of marks on her skin, (on places you can't normally see because she wouldn't like the world to know what's happened tonight)marks that I want her to see when she wakes up. When I reach her boobs she arches her back high enough for me to undo her bra. I take a moment to admire how beautiful her body is. How each part was made to specifically fit her perfectly. A sigh leaves her as I take one of her mounds into mouth, my hand relentlessly working on the other. Her moans and sighs only increase when I swap and start to knead the one I was working on. I leave a sloppy trail of kisses down her abdomen until I reach her pants. Her eyes now bathed in lust meet mine. With one nod of approval I slowly pull down the last piece of clothing on her striking body.

A machine gun, two handguns, a couple of knives, some knockout gas and just about any weapon there is, stashed in my bag. If I want to get her out alive I'm gonna need to make sure anyone in our way disappears…one way or another. I rummage the drawers for any spare tools or ropes, just in case.

“Told you,” says Tori, in the doorway, “you owe me a drink Harrison.”

“Yeah I do. I thought he'd be more rational than this, I mean gas, really?” He sounds almost disappointed.

“I don't think rational is an option when your girlfriend decides to walk straight into a bloody death trap when she promised you she wouldn't leave!” I retort, barely able to control my anger.

“Four, you can't just follow in her footsteps.” Tori, always trying to find the calm rational solution – how erudite. “You love her I get it, but that doesn't mean that you've become stupid. We’ll sit down together and make a plan. Maybe we can save her and kill Jeanine.”

“You don't get it do you?” I exclaim. My frustration has taken over. There's no control anymore. “I don't give a shit about Jeanine anymore. I don't care about myself, or about the war, I just want her. The point of this, the point of war, for me, is to spend the rest of my life with her. To stop running and dodging bullets. To just live a normal life. That can't happen when she's dead buried in a bloody ditch. When will you get it? I will die a million fucking times if it meant she could live.”

“Listen son. I have a wife, I get it. If she did what your gal did then I'd be right in this room ready to jump the next train into the city. But I wouldn't have two people stood in my way making me think rationally. Making me take others into consideration as well as myself,”Harrison responds, his emotions teetering on the edge, ready to erupt. “All we're saying is that you're a leader now. You have other people to care for than Tris.

“If Jeanine went to that much trouble to get her then she wouldn't just kill her. She needs her and I'm not saying she's gonna be perfectly safe and comfortable but as long as she's alive there's hope she'll be back in your arms.”

I know he's right, I know he is. But how can I stay here planning and plotting when she is being experimented on and tortured. My head hurts. So many thoughts fill my mind. Thoughts of Tris, of war, of survival, of love, of hate, of death, or loss, of Jeanine, of dauntless, of the faction less. I breakdown. My scream of frustration filling the room, my eyes spilling tears into my face. There's no Four anymore. Just Tobias the eighteen year old boy, who was weak, alone and defeated and more in love with Tris than Romeo was with Juliet.

“It's okay Four,” soothes Tori, “we’ll get her back. I promise.”

Chapter Text

Tris’ POV

I'm being brave. I'm being brave. I'm being selfless. I'm being selfless. Brave like Tobias. Selfless like my parents.
I have to keep telling myself this. Embedding it deep in my thoughts like a mantra that will play repeatedly in my subconscious. It's what keeps my legs moving, my heart beating, my eyes from streaming tears down my face. I have to be strong when I face Jeanine; be strong, brave, selfless, fearless and determined. Determined to do what has to be done if it will stop the death of my friends turned family in my heart and people who I don't even know by name.

He’ll be angry. I know he will. We never really fixed things; still broken pieces that are yet to be put together. But we know who we are, that's why he made me promise. He knows me, even when we were asleep he knew I would leave, his arm wrapped around me like a protective bind. I don't want to hurt him, I didn't want any of this. Yet I chose to leave. I chose to leave the love of my life (short though my life may be) and face the person who created this war, who murdered and corrupted my family. He has to understand. He must realise that every step I take towards Jeanine is another step away from him and the life we dream of, with children playing and laughing and nothing or care about other than each other. And that in its self is killing me. But like I said, that's a dream. If he's as smart as I believe him to be then he won't come after me. He won't carelessly throw his life away for someone as replaceable and insignificant as me. He'll treasure the time we had and move onto something better. And as that thought fills me and overwhelms my mind, I can't help holding onto a piece of Tobias. My pace slowing as if wanting to turn back and go to him, go to last night.

My heart beat quickens to such a pace that I feel as if I'm about to burst. He lays soft kisses on my newly exposed skin, the places of contact filled with electricity as if his lips are transmitting it directly into my body. I trace the hem of his boxers with my fingers, ignoring the fear that rises in my chest. I expect to see disbelief as I look into his eyes, but all there is is love and lust. Which I am sure are reflected in mine as well. Pulling down his boxers, my hands shake, whether from fear or pleasure I don't know. Soon there isn't q single piece of clothing separating our bodies. His mouth laying kisses light as air on my inner thigh make my breath hitch in my throat every time.

Lighting up the dull sunrise, the erudite buildings at the heart of our city darkening everything that falls in their shadow…especially me. I could run, turn back to the compound, back into Tobias's arms. Then people could carry on dying, carry on jumping off roofs and shooting themselves and others until I'm the only one left and all my efforts to fight Jeanine and save us all were pointless because I've ended up in her grasp anyway. Anyway, I can't stand to see the hurt in Tobias's eyes, to tell him I came so close to leaving him and see the damage I've done. At least this way I will never have to see the outcomes of my decision on others, especially Tobias, whether they be good or bad. I remember when he was Four, the training instructor who didn't scare me rather than intrigue me. I was intimidated yes, but curious. Curious to see who this boy really was and how an 18 year old could be so reserved and unapproachable but then help me and save me and confuse me and just completely change me. I remember the day of the choosing ceremony. Right from the start I was running, jumping, falling; sometimes it feels like I still am. Running from the consequences, jumping into situations without thinking, falling forever into the inevitable pit of despair that I'm creating for myself-I'll eventually hit the ground. But still if I hadn't jumped first that day, if I hadn't grabbed Tobias's hand I wouldn't be here. Initially I don't know if that's good or bad but when I think back to everything we've done and said even the moments where I felt as if he were ripping out my very heart I don't regret it one bit.

Then I can feel his breath on my womanhood. A loud moan escapes from my lips when I feel his tongue licking my folds, my fists grabbing a hold of the bedsheets, my body unable to cope with such intense pleasure. He does this a few more times, each time I sigh and moan, oblivious to the fact that his neighbours may be able to hear us, I'm to involved in the moment, in the feeling, in him, to mind. He sticks his tongue in, exploring, my hands shooting down to grab a fistful of his hair.He then nibbles my clit, my hips bucking up to him involuntary, my breaths now in short huffs and puffs. He keeps sucking my clit his tongue replaced by his finger.

At the feeling of it at my entrance I'm apprehensive. He must realise this as he stops for a second, bringing himself up to kiss me, whispering in my ear, “You know we can stop whenever you want, everything that's new for you is new for me and I want us both to be ready and comfortable. Not to mention really turned on.” his breath tickling my neck making me shiver. A shaky laugh leaves me, though it could be confused with a sigh, as I reply, “ Don't worry I'm always turned on when you're around. I just want to be with you Tobias and if this is one way to do it then I'm ready and comfortable.” I kiss him, a strong, passionate kiss that lets any doubts in our minds fade before he moves back down my body. I feel him push in a finger. My breath hitches. Well it's not uncomfortable. He pulls it out ever so slightly before pushing it back in, deeper. He does this repeatedly my moans getting louder, his name rolling off my tongue, before I feel him hit a bundle of nerves that practically make me scream. He gradually adds two more fingers. I can start to feel my climax approaching and I tell him as much. Much to my disappointment he pulls his fingers out of me. And though my heart is beating with apprehension and my thoughts are scattered, the only thing I can focus on is Tobias, I look straight into his eyes, dark pools of lust and love.

The middle building, that's where she'll be. I don't need to be a genius to understand that the most important building will be the on in the centre and that the leader, who holds herself above all others, will be in that building. Maybe I should check in the others though. I mean she might be in a lab working in the other buildings, or she might be getting a book that was borrowed from her back. I have to shake my head to get all of these ideas out. I can't stall for time. People might already be lining up to fall of a bridge for all I know. I try to plan out the scenario that will take place once I step into the building in my head. There will be traitors standing at the entrance, so I won't have to declare myself. If I don't have to even open my mouth this will be a whole lot easier. At this point I could simply collapse and just let them do whatever they want with me. But it's too late to bang my head against a lamppost as the door opens for me to enter.

Dauntless traitors, wearing blue armbands, are placed on either side of the door. Their arms instantly restrain me, pulling my arms behind my back till the wound in my shoulder creates a throbbing pain that tears throw my body forcing me to release a strained scream. My mind escapes from my current situation to prepare myself for my confrontation with Jeanine, the only person who makes me scared. Other than Tobias. Only he has control over my emotions. Only he knows what I'm thinking, what's running through my mind just as I can see into his. Yet the sight of him fills me with unspoken feelings and word of love whilst the sight of her only reminds me of hatred, anger, a desire, a thirst, to torture and inflict pain on her.

I'm brought back to reality at the sight of Peter, strutting from the elevator doors. Of course. There would be no fun if it wasn't him. I expect him to make a snide remark or comment on Tobias or my friends, but his mouth stays shut, the only words he speaks are orders. He marchers me through corridors and doorways until we reach my “room” though to me it seems more like an upgraded cell. He pushes me in and closes the door. All alone in a cell. It seems I have been locked up with my own worst enemy, my only comfort the thoughts that were paused upon entering the building.

I knew it would be painful but it takes me more than a few minutes to adjust to having him inside me. A silence fills the room, made more awkward by the fact that he hovers over me, waiting for my approval to continue. I shuffle around a bit until I feel more comfortable, nodding at him as a signal to move. He pulls out of me a bit then pushes back in. I can hear him grunt but I don't take much pleasure in these shallow movements. He then thrusts back in hard. A mixture of a scream, moan and grunt hitches in my throat at the feeling. We look each other dead in the eyes. He starts to move. Quicker and with deeper thrusts than last time, but still with the feeling of testing the waters. I start to elicit moans and grunts as if I'm unable to create any words that my mind will comprehend other than, “I love you”, “oh my god”, “yes Tobias”, “do it again”, “don't stop” and other cliched sex noises and phrases. His thrusts speed up, a pit in my stomach feeling full and empty at the same time. I can tell I'm close as is he. His thrusts getting shallower, our moans getting louder. I pull him down into a sweet yet passionate kiss, our tongues dancing, exploring what we already know from memory.

As my walls clench around him, I break and the kiss and whisper into his ear, my breath making him shiver as it tickles the sensitive skin of his neck,“ Tobias I love you so much, forever. That's my promise forever.” My sentence ends as I release a moan so strong it seems to bounce of the walls of the apartment and echo around the room. He pushes into me a few more times before he spills deep inside me. Our breathes mingle as we pant, coming down from the high we've just experienced. He rides out his orgasm before pulling out and lying down next to me. We do it again. This time knowing what will happen, what to do. But still I lay in fear as he pushes into me. Fear of losing him, of breaking his heart;fearing the end of tonight and the first signs of dawn. But when we've cleaned up and lay spent together on his bed, his body encompassing mine, my heart breaks at the last word he whispers into my ear.

“Forever.”

After countless hours pass, the time unknown to me thanks to my own incompetence, and I find myself pacing up down the room, stretching to relieve the stiffness in my limbs and back. A brief encounter with Jeanine has led to my discovery that cruelty doesn't require malice. Simply determination to break your victim and discover how they respond. I will die on that table. I will die at her hands. That's what she thought scared me back to my cell but she was wrong. I was scared that I would die here alone, surrounded by people who mean nothing to me, whilst the man I love is heart broken and my family has died or are ignorant to my circumstances. To paraphrase T.S.Elliot, this is the way my world ends, not with a bang but with a whimper.