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“Regulus,” James breathes against the man’s mouth “We can’t do this.”
“Do you not want this, Baby?” Regulus asks, running his hands over James’ shoulders, scraping his nails across the fabric as he presses painfully close.
“N- no, I do- it’s jus-”
“So then what’s the problem?” Regulus’ breath flutters over James’ neck and he pulls himself away quickly, he can’t do this, it’s not right. James' hand stays pressed to Regulus' shoulder, holding him at arms length, his fingers dig in, he can't let go though, not yet.
“Regulus, if we do this people will get hurt, and you know that. I don’t want to be the kind of person who does that, I was and- and I didn’t like it,” He says, his voice feeling tiny like a baby bird locked away in a cage, not able to fly out into the sky out of fear of what’s waiting for it.
This will destroy all of his relationships and as soon as it does he’ll become too much, too much for one person to handle and Regulus will leave too, he can’t take that. He doesn’t remember a time he wasn’t too much of something, too happy, too loud, too cocky, too distant, too overbearing, too affectionate, too clingy.
And now he doesn’t even like who he is anymore, he’s not happy anymore, he doesn’t like how cautious he is, how scared he is of everything, it’s not like him and he hates it, but he can’t change it. He doesn’t know how. He’s never had to ask for help before because the issue was never so big that it began to swallow him whole, who knows, maybe it already had.
“You are such a bloody martyr,” Regulus sighs, turning his head away like he’s disappointed, with Regulus' head turns his body as James' hand slips and hit his thigh, Regulus' words, his look, they sting like a poison kiss, its like drinking from a fountain of death, but it’s what’s needed to get his head back on the right way, so instead he teases back, trying to turn the situation light, to get rid of the tension clogging the air like blistering smoke.
“I’m not the one who nearly got himself killed to save the wizarding world from a war,” He smiles but it’s forced, they’re all forced nowadays, he’s just so tired and nothing helps, he wants to lay down and never get up. He wants to scream at the world for continuing to spin while he’s stuck in one place. But he can’t. What good would it do? “So I’d say you’re the martyr in thi-” James cuts himself off as Regulus tilts his head looking up at him with something that looks painfully like hope.
“In this what?” Regulus prompts but James stays silent “What are we James? You know what I want us to be, but what do you think we are?” He asks shifting his body back towards James, the swirl of hope brewing into a thick storm, one that threatens to drown James out, maybe James isn’t too much, maybe he’s too little. He was too much at one point but maybe he’s outgrown that so much he doesn’t have anything to give anymore, hell he barely has enough to give himself, so how could he ask another person to stay with him through that.
“In this- this acquaintanceship,” He says with a shaky voice lowering his head “You should go.”