Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

HOW I HANDLE CANNON:
i wanted to include this because i may vary A LOT the cannon, in short words, i will just go off from memory, and of course, my memory isn't incredibly sharp, so MANY things will vary from the actual cannon of the series, including scenes that will happen during the fic and also happened during the series, but the dialogues won't be the same, etc

Danielle sat there, looking around the bar, cleaning a glass, until Clay Puppington, the mayor, entered the bar, looking drunk already

The man was about 1.75, brown short hair, he had a slight receding line, product of his age, with dark circles under his eyes, product of the stress of his life and job

Danielle would be lying if he said he didn’t have his eyes on him for a while now

“hey” he said, sitting down “where is Dolly?” he said annoyed, he didn’t really care, he just wanted to drink

“she changed to the day shift, just ask a drink to me” Danielle answered in his deep voice

“blah” he rolled his eyes “just pour me a whisky, blondie” he said tiredly, and Danielle smiled while pouring him alcohol, the man drinking it as if it was a shot, something that he hadn’t seen… well, never “stupid dead end job” he muttered as he extended the glass for Danielle to refill

“well, you have a gift for drinking, don’t you?” he said pouring another whisky “ehehehe” he laughed “you drink like there’s no tomorrow, for what I have seen”

“well, I wish there wasn’t” he started drinking his whisky “two illegitimate children, one that takes everything ridiculously literal, and a wife that I just simply hate” he started saying “and the most stupid, dead-end job you could think of!”

“aren’t you the major?” Danielle chuckled, weirdly attracted to him, finding something interesting in the wreckless man in front of him

“it pays the bills….” he sounded annoyed “you try being the mayor of this absolutely helpless mess of a town!” Danielle nodded acknowledging that it was dead-end with how fucked up the town was

“bet it keeps you busy?” he got closer to him, in an attempt to flirt

“like a male beaver” he answered, not really making sense to Danielle, but not thinking much about it

“my type of beaver” he smirked, and Clay raised an eyebrow, looking at him up an down

“so, you’ve always worked here?” he asked

“yeah”

“never seen you around” he sounded skeptical

“usually Dolly takes care of this shift, but we switched” he explained again, Clay nodded, satisfied, by now, Danielle was leaning almost fully in the table

“shitty job, isn’t it?” he tried to start conversation, as the bartender poured him another drink, Clay feeling slightly interested too

“in the day this isn’f as full, but I can handle this anyway” he answered simply, looking around

“you can handle a lot, can’t you?” Clay raised an eyebrow, flirting slightly

Danielle smiled widely

“I sure can, Mr. Puppington”

Danielle woke up happy as hell, while Clay woke up with the worst hangover ever

After their conversation at the bar, they made out heavily in some alley

But Clay was black-out drunk, barely on his senses, and not thinking straight

He was thinking anything but straight

He just followed what his drunk mind and body told him to do

And Danielle was sober, but enjoying It truly, knowing it wasn’t just a fantasy or a dream anymore, that he could actually feel how Clay grabbed his arms for his dear life, while they kissed as if it was their life purpose, Clay kissing him back as he could

He remembered when he first saw him after he moved out, making fun of Reverend Putty while he was giving a sermon, Orel writing down everything, unlike his father who wasn't paying attention, but he still seemed like a Christian, self-righteous man

But everyone knew he was everything but that

He was an alcoholic, irresponsible, bad husband and emotionally distant father

But for some reason, it made Danielle more interested... About how he wa sable to keep up that facade, and Danielle wanted to know how deep that facade went, but it somehow went further than that

It wasn't just pure curiosity, there was something about Clay, even other than physical that made him to want to stay with him, to pursue him

There was nothing that would make anyone fall in love with Clay... But there was something that Danielle couldn't describe

They were panting, and they were getting heated, but the moment Danielle made the slightest try to take off Clay’s shirt, he seemed to get sober enough to grab his hand stopping him and looking at him, lust with the most slight hint of nuisance

He made Danielle let go of him, and left, leaving Danielle conflicted

Should he feel bad or satisfied for what he accomplished for the day?

Oh, what the hell, he would take it as a win

Clay didn’t remember shit of what happened last night, he just remembered drinking, and going to a bar, and nothing else

He standed up and looked at himself in the mirror, he had a hickey

He wondered who even made that… certainly not Bloberta, the stupid lust-whatever a thousand wall impeding them having anything close to intercourse, not like he even wanted to

A side of him wanted to know, the other felt like it would just give him trouble

Well, of course it would give him trouble, but at this point, any woman was better than Bloberta

He even considered for a moment it being that attractive bartender he saw a few times around town

No, that would be crazy, and gross

He couldn’t even picture himself with a man

Or well, that’s what he tried to say to himself

But when he saw that man, slightly shorter than him, with tanned skin and deep black eyes, the blond hair and moustache, the way the suit fitted him so perfectly, maybe a bit tight in the chest, it showcasing how in shape he was… how fresh he seemed, even though he probably around his same age, he looked younger, and his voice….

God, he could listen to his voice on repeat, to that laugh that I anything but that deep, incredible voice would sound annoying, he just seemed so goddman relaxed all the time, like he had everything in the palm of his hand, just like he had Clay in the palm of his hand without knowing.

Without trying.

He shook his head In hopes for those sinful thought to just disappear, pouring a glass of whisky, getting dressed to another day at his stupid dead-end job

“have a good day on work, honey” Bloberta said, cooking, making Orel's lunch, while Block and Shapey played with the vacuum cleaner

“have a good day yourself” he groaned and slammed the door on his way out

He was doing paperwork

Of course he was doing paperwork

Apparently now Mrs. Censordoll wanted to ban ice cream and other dairy products? Her reasoning behind this was that it was gross to eat or drink anything that comes from the boobs of an animal

He sighed and approved it, Mrs. Censordoll was not someone he should or wanted to mess with

He rubbed a hand on his neck, as he drank more alcohol

Stupid paperwork

Stupid Censordoll

Stupid town

And stupid Mayor

He began drinking more and more, not caring and just signing whatever was o his table, god knew that there wasn’t a way to make that goddamned town worse than it alredy was

He drank all the bottles he had stashed in the third drawer, making him go stupidly drunk, and falling asleep in the table

“I love you, Clay” Danielle said, his deep voice slightly deeper “your wife is stupid and so is the man that got your wife pregnant” he started caressing his hair

“I wish I could put your brain in my wife’s head” he sighed

“there is no need, baby, I’m right here, ehehehe” he laughed, and kissed Clay softly, but Clay pulled him in to kiss him more passionately

And for first time, it felt right, he actually felt his body heating up, and he could stay like that forever, feeling Danielle’s warm hand going under his shirt, touching the naked skin of his chest, the other one going lower…and lower…and…

“Mr. Mayor!” Roger Papermouth yelled and he woke up quickly, stopping to drool all over his desk “have you gotten the papers for the anti-dairy yet? Mrs. Censordoll told me she would move to more extreme ways soon” he muttered

“yeah, yeah” he throwed the papers at him “go away” Roger went out quickly, to stop Mrs. Censordoll from whatever she was going to do

He looked down to his lap

“eh, what the hell” he unbuckled his belt, going back to the feeling of his dream, just where he had left, sighing deeply

Chapter Text

Danielle was laying down in his bed, thinking about what he should do next

he picked up some paper and a pen, he knew where Clay lived anyway

“Dear Clay,
I hope I get to see you again, I hope we get to share an even more intimate moment…”

He ended up writing a total of 11 pages, finishing it off with

“seeing you in church next Sunday,
sincerely yours,
Danielle Stopframe”

He was gonna bring his nephew along, he could win some time alone with Clay

God knows where that rascal is

“hey, you” Danielle said, grabbing by the arm his nephew’s half-sister, Dirma or something like that

“oh, hey Daniel” she said, in a deep masculine voice, even deeper than his

“it’s actually Danielle” he corrected “but hey” he wrapped his arm around her, as if hugging her, while they walked up to the school “how’s my nephew doing”

“oh, you know” she sighed “same as ever, I try to understand him, y’know, if it’s stressing to me, then I can’t imagine for him, that doesn’t understand that—” Danielle cutted her off

“yeah, yeah” he said “it’s a hard life, but uhm, where is he generally on Sundays?” he asked “you know, I think church may help him”

“I didn’t know you were a church-goer” she raised an eyebrow

“I have my reasons” he shrugged

“this Sunday he’ll probably be at home, he sometimes go out more early, I don’t really know where he goes, i just know he gets in trouble, but i--”

“great, I’ll be there at 6:00am” he patted her shoulder and went away, as they were in front of the school, Diorma just sighed and entered the school

“Orel!” Clay said sternly “what in heaven’s white clouds are you doing?!”

“I’m doing what you told me, dad!” Orel said smiling “i’m doing a car crash!”

Clay’s eye twitched “you know young man, you gotta meet me… in my study”

Orel gulped, giving Clay a sense of control and power, he knew what was going to happen next

“I’m sorry I stole the car and crashed the old lady” Orel said pulling his pants up, making Clay more angry

“have you learned nothing? No one cares if you stole the car and ran over a old lady, you are saying it wrong, that’s what I pay school for? So my son mispeaks?” Clay said sternly

“oh, I’m sorry dad” he scratched his head, as they stood in silence, along the liquor bottles and the empty glasses, he noticed some papers “what’s that dad?” he asked, looking at it, feeling the typical curiosity of a 12-year-old as innocent as him

“oh, just a letter” he smiled and grabbed the papers “a beautifully written letter” he said softly and sighed like a teenage girl

“oh, from who?” Orel asked smiling

“no one you should care for” he said coldly “you may leave” he took a sip of his drink

“bye dad” Clay just nodded and sighed, pouring more alcohol into his glass, before looking back at the letter

The more he thought about it, the more his brain tried to process the person he made out with was Danielle

He felt disgusted, but at the same time he cursed himself for not being sober enough to remember it

He had the chance to actually feel Danielle’s lips on his and his strong arms wrapping around him, to hear his deep voice saying sweet nothings to his ear

He tried to make those thought go away, sober enough to be self-aware

But sin be damned, Danielle was the hottest man to ever exist

What was he if not the pure form of temptation? Of lust? And what was he but a simple human to not give in?

How could god put such perfect man in front of him wanting him to just look at him at the distance? Why would he make the clue to salvation something he couldn’t get his hands on?

Give Icarus wings, but making them of wax

There must be a reason, right? There must be a reason the simple sight of Danielle made him feel a way no one could ever make him feel

It couldn’t simply be a test

No, that’s stupid

Why would God want to test the faith of a man such like him?

He was perfect the way he was, wasn’t he?

He lived the way that God intended, even the lost commandments!

There was nothing wrong with the way he was… maybe it was a treat?

Yes, it was a way of God to reward him for being such a good Christian man

Danielle was a reward

Of course! That’s what it was, that’s exactly what it was, he deserved it for keeping up with his horrible wife!

The next the day he woke up smiling like crazy, it was Sunday, meaning he was going to meet with Danielle

But maybe, like Icarus, he would fall from the sky eventually when trying his newfound liberty

Danielle was fixing his hair, and shooting glances at himself in the mirror, putting moisturizer in his tanned skin, making sure he looked as good as he could, fixing his yellow suit a bit

It was 5:45am, yes, very early, but he was going to make sure that everything was going to go absolutely great

He fixed his cross necklace and putted more cologne on, walking to his nephew’s house

“hey, Danielle” Diorma said, her voice even deeper because she had just woken up “Joe is sleeping”

“wake him up, it’s Sunday, it’s church day or whatever” Danielle demanded

“yeah, yeah” she sighed and went to Joe’s room

Danielle heard some yelling from Joe, such as “church is dumb” or “you’re not my mom”, but still he went out, with a black shirt and slightly baggy jeans

“I don’t want to go to stupid church!” he stook his tongue out to him

“yeah, whatever” he grabbed him by the arm strongly, starting to walk “you’ll just stay with Orel for a while”

“I don’t want to be with dumb Orel!” he protested

“just do whatever, I don’t know what kids do these days, but you are not fucking these up for me” he said, sternly, he was going to get to Clay a way or the other, but giving up wasn’t a choice

“Hey Danielle” Clay smiled, lifting his eyebrows

“D-Danille?!” Reverend Putty said in surprise

“yes, it’s me” he chuckled fixing the neck of his shirt dramatically “uh, hey, Orel” Danielle called him, while Orel was staring at him innocently with a slight smile, like always, willing to do anything “this is my nephew, Joe” he pushed Joe, who was scowling, close to Orel “he’s new to all this church thing, so help him out”

“of course, Mr. Daniel!” Orel smiled, grabbing Joe’s hand and leading him inside the church “I’m gonna tell you everything about my favorites apostles!” he said excitedly

“it’s actually—” he sighed as he watched Orel walk away

“I think we should go too, Clay” Bloberta said, crossing her arms, knowing the look his husband had on his face

“shut up, I’m staying here” he sounded angry at her, she just rolled her eyes and went inside, feeling enraged, but wasn’t going to do anything just yet “so… Danielle” He smiled shyly, like a love-stupid teenager, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, blushing like crazy and holding his hands in front of him

“Clay” he answered back smiling too, but way more confident, looking at him up and down

“do you… do you come around her often?” he tugged his hair behind his ear nervously

“dad! You’re gonna miss the sermon” Orel said, grabbing Clay by the shirt softly, Clay took Orel’s hand off him harshly

“don’t you see I’m busy? You go back inside!” Orel just went back inside, even though he was trying to help

“so… kids, huh?” Danielle said and Clay rolled his eyes

“don’t even remind me” Danielle chuckled, making Clay feel weak

“you look handsome” Clay blushed harder, even though Danielle sounded so casual about everything

“thanks” his voice sounded slightly more high-pitch

“I should head inside now” Danielle walked pass him and Clay wasn’t sure if to feel confused, bad, angry or just more attracted to him

Danielle wasn’t going to just be Clay’s bitch, he wasn’t gonna let Clay have control over him, even though he knew he had him eating at his hand

Clay groaned and entered the church, still hearing Danielle’s voice in his head, fantasizing about what could happen, smiling dumbly

Bloberta was aware that his husband probably wasn’t the straightest man on earth, god knows that in his honeymoon, in the hotel, as always, he got black-out drunk, and found him a few hours later making out with some random man

But she wasn’t gonna let some rando sissy take away his husband, but for now, she just frowned and took it

“you see, the thing is, God’s biggest mistake is making raisins” the Reverend said, doing his usual sermon, Danielle looked around, seeing the back of Clay’s head, and smiled, starting to wander in his mind about all what he would do with him

About what he was going to do

“Amen” all the church said, making Danielle go back to himself

He standed up quickly, going up to Clay

“hey, Clay” he said in the usual he used with him “wanna go to the bar?” he smiled

“of course” he said, trying to sound nonchalant, but making Danielle let go of him when he reached to grab his arm, something about that made him feel weird, making Danielle confused

“uhm.. well, let’s go” he smiled and walked next to him, Clay not noticing his wife with a scowl and his son walking away with Joe in his good church suit

“so…” Clay started, and smiled “when did you start bartending” he felt slightly more comfortbale with him, but still feeling butterflies in his stomach, flying around like it was their last day on earth

Meanwhile, almost next to him, Joe and Orel were robbing a store

But that’s not really relevant

“no” he answered “but, y’know ‘it pays the bills’” he smiled and chuckled, Clay chuckled too

“amen to that” Clay rolled his eyes

A man stormed out of the building of the bar to throw his guts out, but nothing could bother them

Something felt so right

Something felt like they could hear each other for days, hear their laughter, their smiles, their mannerism

Like they wanted to see each other in such way that they memorized every part of each other, knowing that nothing in the world could make them not love what they could or would find

Clay felt like he had found a god, an angel

And Danielle felt like he found the most abstractly perfect man in the world

Chapter Text

“give me a whisky” Clay asked, and Danielle didn’t get anything, he wasn’t a special fan of drinking, despite his job

Clay chugged down his whisky quickly, coughing slightly and asking for a whole bottle

Danielle raised an eyebrow, trying to analize him to a deeper level, and noticing it was the first time he ever found the barbaric drinking kind of attractive

“so…” he cleared his throat “why do you like drinking so much?” he asked, wanting to understand him

“well” hiccup “I, uhm… I don’t know, why don’t you drink?” he avoided the question, because he truly didn’t know

He was always the uptight Christian boy, not that he minded the Christian part, but he was such a loser, he was bad with women and could barely bare to live, he had no friends, no family, no one, and he was fully aware of that, he had nowhere to be but his heartbreaking reality

A dead mother, and a father that never loved him and made him feel worthless

That’s all that he had

When he met Bloberta, he felt nervous and could barely talk, then she made him drink, and he felt like his world had just opened up

It felt like he could finally be himself, like the burden of his past, his present, and himself simply wasn’t there

He knew he wouldn’t remember anything the next day, and that was the best part, but he couldn’t be more okay with it, he couldn’t be more okay with forgetting his life

And then, suddenly, he was married with Bloberta, because of all the promises of taking care of him, of how necessary she was in his life, that he needed her as much as she needed him, of promises of an actual caring love

But now her hand felt even colder

She had trapped him in a loveless marriage, and alcohol was the only he now chose to believe the promises of ‘I will make you feel better’, because he knew before hand It was true, he knew that alcohol allowed him to scape the life he would never admit he got himself into, even though, just like everyone else, it was breaking the promise of making it all go away slowly

“because I’m a fan of remembering what I did” he half-joked

“well, I’m not, my friend” he chuckled and wrapped an arm around and immediately taking it back slightly nervous, Danielle chuckled

He was going to love his alcoholic drunk-ass regardless, even though something little, very deep within himself, wished he wasn’t drunk

“I can see that” he replied back and smiled, the smell of alcohol, familiar in Clay’s body, filling his senses, as he watched Clay serve a drink of whisky for himself

“so, uhm… the new no-dairies, huh?” Danielle said to strike up a conversation

“not one of the most stupid laws I had to pass because of Censordoll” Clay rolled his eyes

“I gotta say, her ability to see everything as anti-christian is amazing, there should be an actual prize for that”

“can’t, she’d cancel prizes too for some stupid reason too” Clay half-joked

“I definitely could see that” He said smiling, looking at Clay, who was smiling slightly too, and Clay could admit that was the happiest he had been in a long time “why did she cancel dairy products anyway?”

“she said that is a sin that men touch Cow’s boobs to get milk” Clay sighed “I said that then let’s make them have babies, and that when the baby cows try to get milk, we take them out of their mouths, but apparently that’s wrong because the the milk is contaminated because the baby milk wasn’t born from a married couple” Danielle couldn’t help to laugh slightly

“and why don’t you make cows get married with bulls, then?”

“because they’re stupid cows, they would then commit adultery” he scoffed “I’m lucky I realized that before proposing it, she would’ve banned all cows”

“can’t you… ignore it? You’re the mayor” Danielle proposed, if presidents ignored the people, you’d think for a mayor it would be easier

He shook his head while drinking his whisky “well, no, because I may be the mayor but, y’know, she can influence the whole town, and can make very drastic moves I don’t truly want her doing” he said simply

“she has you on a chokehold, huh” Danielle frowned, planning to do something about it in his mind

“it’s better that way” Clay said “that way every bad decision I make they blame It on her, and it’s not like they care, and most people, for that, will see it as good”

“oh” he erased the plan out of something he would do soon, but kept it, jus In case “then I guess It’s okay” after that, the room was filled with silence

“so… why’d you wanna come to the bar?” Clay asked, unable to make an actual move, because even with so much alcohol in his system, he felt like that shy young adult around Danielle

“can’t I want to go to a place with such a handsome man?” Danielle raised his eyebrows

“well, no, it’s okay, you’re not bad yourself” he smiled

“Not bad as if in what?” he was going to squeeze that answer out of Clay if he needed to, but he wasn’t leaving until Clay called him handsome

“well… y’know, you look… attractive, pretty” he looked away

Pretty? Well, that wasn’t exactly what he was going for, not at all, but he would take it, even though it made him feel a bit weird in his chest, and it showed in his face, but he shook his head and putted up his normal face up

“do I, hmm?” he got closer to him

“yes, you do” he got closer too after checking no one was in the bar, almost kissing

They felt the breath of the other, their noses touching, and they saw the angel of kissing, Closeface. It sounded childish, truly, but Danielle couldn’t help but think of that

Danielle had heard Stephanie rant about “Closeface” not long ago after serving her a bit too much alcohol. And he wasn’t sure if it was because he was tired, because the bar was empty or if it was actually kinda poetic that he had heard her with such attention and made sense out of wat she was saying instead of taking it as something a stupidly in love or heartbroken teenager would say, or maybe it was because he was in love

it was hard to deny that “Closeface” was a funny “angel” no matter in who it shows, you could be angelic, and you would still look funny as Closeface, it could funny when you gave too much thought of what the characters actually saw when the narrator said that they putted their foreheads together, or like in this moment, they were really close, almost kissing, and they saw Closeface

if someone were to show you a picture of the view they had, you would’ve laughed… but they didn’t

Not only because it wasn’t the moment or the mood, because they were stupid in love wouldn’t put much thought to it and instead they would focus on the moment they were sharing, and they could appreciate so much such a silly view, and still wanting to stay like that forever

And they kissed, Danielle putting a hand on Clay’s cheek, it was quicker than Danielle would like, but by the look on Clay’s face, and what Danielle knew about him… it was all he could and would give for now, not being as drunk as he was that one night

“Anyways I should go back home and do some other stuff, and whatever” he stood up quickly a bit nervous, wiping his lips and going away

Danielle only smiled like a fool, not wanting to wipe away the memory of Clay’s lips on his, the ghost feeling that was still there

He closed the door behind himself, he had stayed doing actual stuff he had to do after his encounter with Danielle, it all piling up to him arriving home at about 7PM, as he left the bar 4PM

“Hey! Dad, you won’t believe what I—” Orel was cut off by Bloberta, him not being more than mere background noise almost all the time to his parents

“you’re late” Bloberta murmured, annoyed, while she cooked, with Orel sitting in the table, with some scratches in his face

“well, I was busy, because I have to actually do things, unlike you” he said sassily, Orel watching it all with a smile in his face, he had grown used to the fighting so much he just passed it off as normal and what it was supposed to be a marriage like, as he never was shown otherwise

“what do you mean I have nothing to do?!” she turned to look at him “don’t you see me cooking? Cleaning?” she putted her hands in her hips

“that’s just your duty, duhh” he putted his hands in his hips, mocking her “I have other more important things to do! Such as making money so you can actually cook!”

“oh, great, but I still don’t get what part of that includes Danielle” she crossed her arms

“well, that’s none of your business, woman!” he shot back, Bloberta had definitely striking a nerve, feeling angry and proud of her victory as she watched Clay walk to his study

“golly” Orel said from table, Bloberta turned to keep on cooking “dad sure is angry, I guess he just likes to pass time with Mr. Daniel” Bloberta was ignoring him until that one last line, she then putted a plate of meal in front of him

“eta and don’t talk, it’s rude to talk on the table” she said harshly, frowning

He married Clay out of obligation, but she wasn’t about to lose his husband to some homo bartender

Because if she wasn’t married then what she would do? Be a spinster? Move to Aloneford? Be a disappointment? No way in hell

Clay opened up a bottle and drank it, then another, then another, then another, and then another

He was laying in the floor of his study, looking up to the sky, so stupid drunk that was an interesting view, though in his opinion, that was more interesting than his actual life

“I hate this” he slurred out and stood up grabbing a photo of Bloberta and him in his wedding he had because Bloberta thought it was rude that he didn’t have one and smashed it into the floor

His life was depressing, and he could feel alcohol working every time even less, but he would do whatever it takes for him to be able to stay in his drunken state, to scape his true reality, and make it fuzzy with liquor

And if he was lucky, he would die on the path

Meanwhile, Danielle wasn’t sure what it was, but he was sitting in his shower staring into nothing

He generally had good life, and wanted to consider a good enough mental health too

He didn’t even live in Moralton, he grew in Clacton, a place far away enough to not be taught in Moralton’s geography classes, trying to scape exactly the stress, and just live an average life in another place where most people know each other, and somehow he found himself in another Christian-extremist town, but unlike Clacton, they kept their opinions to themselves, and, sometimes show it as gospel to the people and/or his children, but he felt that was better

Maybe it was the “pretty” comment

No, it wasn’t that… it felt a bit bad deep inside his chest, but by the way Clay said it, the slight shyness and the honesty, and the fact he did not meant any bad… it was as if it took all the weight of that word from the past and the definition that his brain had provided and instead it felt like what it actually was

Just a compliment

He couldn’t avoid but to smile slightly, but it was shot down slightly quickly

Would Clay ever love him without being drunk? Would he ever actually accomplish the fantasies that weren’t anything dirty, but just were Clay hugging him and telling him he loved him no matter what, just as he loved Clay?

For him to be in those moments where he would stare into the shower in complete silence

He wondered that if when he felt bad, happy, or just normal, like him, he was in his mind

Even though they had formally met a few days ago, Danielle had his eyes on him for a long while, and observed every move he made, and the more he did, the more he stupidly fell for such a non-righteous man

He stepped out of the shower, now sleepy and smiling slightly, still with that weird feeling in his chest, as all those pretty thoughts were consumed with doubt if Clay had fallen as nearly as hard as him, or if Clay had fallen at all

But he decided to sleep, hugging his pillow, and with a smile in his face imagine that pillow was Clay, knowing that most likely he would be in his dreams too

And Clay fell asleep too, drunk as he could be, with vomit by his side, hugging a bottle of alcohol, also thinking it would be nice for that bottle to be Danielle

Because maybe those were the only two things in his life that could keep him afloat, and maybe those were the two thing that were on his mind, because today he felt something else than alcohol give him actual joy and happiness, and that warm feeling in his stomach.

But at least he didn’t doubt if one of them actually loved him or not

Chapter Text

They both had dreamed about the other, leaving Clay with a bittersweet taste

I was in the church and accidentally attended to a wedding thinking it was normal service, I obviously couldn’t stand up and walk away, so I waited until it finished, slightly daydreaming of being the groom up there, marrying the love of my life, on the other hand, it felt weird, the whole joyous aura of the wedding wasn’t something that I really enjoyed

Even though i didn’t know the groom or the bride, I decided to listen intently with a smile, sometimes just starting to read my bible

“so… friend of the bride or the groom?” i heard from behind me when I was outside the church after the wedding

“huh? Oh, neither” i said turning around, finding a man slightly shorter than me, with blond hair and a mustache that seemed like he had grown it recently, and then I realized I probably sounded mean “I mean, I’m sure they’re nice, I was just…” I shrugged and sighed “I thought it was normal service and was trapped in there before it got all weird and joyous” the man laughed, and I unconsciously giggled, way more stupid than i would like, but the vibe the man gave off was kind of intoxicating, his deep voice making me feel so attracted to him in a way I didn’t remember to ever feel, and his laugh was so stupid, but the tone of his voice saved it and instead it sounded kind of sexy

“same here” he admitted “you’re going to the reception?”

“oh, no, I couldn’t, I don’t know anyone”

“well, that would make two of us, wouldn’t it?” he smiled “it wouldn’t the first time I sneak into a random party, so you’ll be with someone that has experience” he winked at me, making my face feel hot

“I guess you have a point” I was not looking at him, trying not smile

“then let’s get going, handsome” he offered his arm for me to grab, while my heart skipped a beat with the nickname he had called me, and even though of that, it didn’t really ever came to my mind to actually ask his name

When we entered the reception, the groom and the bride seemed a little confused on who we were, the blond man was about to just walk past them after they said “oh, uhm, hey, welcome to our reception, make sure to try our food” the man only nodded, but I stopped him from walking away, not wanting to be rude

“yeah, y’know, I’m so happy you’re married, congrats, I hope you find true happiness within each other” I said smiling, and the man once again just nodded politely

“so… ‘find true happiness within each other” The man chuckled when we were further from the now married couple

“what? You got to desire good things for the just married couple” i scratched the back of my neck, smiling slightly

“I guess you’re right” we sat down in a random table and he called the waitress “what you want to drink?” he asked me

“I’m taking an apple juice” he raised an eyebrow

“you don’t drink, y’know, drinks?” he asked me

“well, isn’t drinking a sin?” I thought that was basic knowledge, so it surprised me for him not to know

“well… didn’t Jesus turn the water into wine or whatever?” he seemed genuinely curious

“I guess” i thought about it, I mean, he was right, Jesus did drink and he even served wine to his disciples in the last supper

“hum” he shrugged “I’m not a fan of drinking anyway, I act all crazy” he chuckled/scoffed, he had his head leaning in his hand, he looked like he was remembering something “well, uhm, yeah, give us two apple juices, then” he turned to the waitress, asking the drink

“like?” I was curious, because if drinking wasn’t a sin…

“well, I made out with a cousin” he stated, well THAT sure was a sin

“oh, good lord” I exclaimed shocked, I guess that meant that alcohol made you sin, right? I never had the need to drink anyway

“yeah… I regret it, obviously” he clarified, making me feel calmer “she was kind of… weird” he gave me my apple juice that the waitress gave to us

“in what way?” I drank a bit, it tasted incredible, I had always loved apple juice, they used to serve it at my school’s cafeteria, I remember sharing it with my best friend John

“she always had like some sort of weird crush on me, I guess” he explained “and it just became awkward, safe to say, that kiss did not help”

“I imagine” I nodded, drinking more of the juice

“what about your family?”

“don’t have one” I answered quickly “Only child. My parents are dead” I looked away, I hated to talk about my family, I did not care if my father was alive, he wasn’t for me

I didn’t know anything about him nor I wanted to, as soon as I moved out from Sinville I promised myself to not ever once go back to see him, and just let him die alone and miserable in his stupid farm, like he deserved to

“oh” he seemed surprised, and I felt a bit of guilt, thinking I made him uncomfortable “well, uhm, sorry for asking”

“no, I get why’d you be curious” he took a sip of his apple juice “and what about your family?”

He shrugged the answer off “they can go fuck themselves” I only nodded at that even though I was dying to know why

“guess we didn’t have luck with our family, huh?” I said, and the music started playing, and he grabbed me by the arm

“let’s dance” he pulled me to the dance floor and I immediately got nervous

“oh, no, i-I don’t know how to dance. Heh” I chuckled nervously, trying to get away

“I don’t care, you have a pretty face, that’s enough to make me think you dance good no matter what” he pulled me close, and started dancing, telling me to just follow him

Needless to say, I did not do a good job dancing, while he seemed so gracious, I was just stupidly trying to follow him

But he seemed like he flowed with the music and the air, it all seemed so natural, and with so much rhythm, that I don’t know if it was just the way I was looking at him, but in my eyes, he was the best dancer in the whole world, and it truly made me look at him with other eyes

There was no way a man could be as handsome as him

“you okay there?” he asked, smiling “you spaced out”

“oh, no, I’m sorry, it’s nothing” I felt my face once again got hot, it felt like he was very close to me and I could smell his cologne clearly

“as you say” he chuckled

The hours passed by, I was all the time with the blond man, he made me laugh, and made me feel in a way I couldn’t really explain, but it was addicting and I wanted to feel it all the time

I wanted him

It was night, about 9:00pm, and the reception had just ended, everyone walked out, we were the last ones, so for a few moments we were alone, before we could get out, he grabbed me and once again pushed me really close to him, closer than ever

I then felt his lips over mine and I wondered if that was what heaven is supposed to feel like, butterflies in my stomach going crazy, I felt nervous but at the same time I didn’t wanted the kiss to end

But sadly, it did, I looked at him, perplexed, it was against all I believed… but goddamn, it was so alluring, and it felt so right

I stayed in shock, as I watched him walk out the place, but in the last moment, he turned to look at me and said:

“the name’s Danielle, by the way” he winked and walked out the door, into a blinding light

He woke up slowly, feeling grossed out by the vomit on his side, his head hurting, and feeling deeply depressed because of the dream

He could’ve had everything if he hadn’t met Bloberta, they both were in the same place at the same time, but it was the wrong place and the wrong time to be

They should have never met

He thought about how perfect his life would be if instead of Bloberta, he had Danielle

He would be happy raising children with Danielle, he wouldn’t have that stupid wall, and could happily wake up next to the man he loved

Ugh, he surely was still drunk, that’s totally why he thought that

Meanwhile, Danielle had also dreamed of Clay

I entered the bathroom, breathing heavily and trying not to cry, I looked up and saw myself, that being the breaking point, starting to cry helplessly

I had a few bruises on my face and lipstick erratically in my face near my mouth, and of course, in my mouth

They had kicked me down to the floor and tried to put lipstick on me, saying that if I was going to act as a woman, i may just as well look like one

What did I do to ever deserve for them to this to me? i had done nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Fucking nothing, and I still was treated like shit

And a part of me still believed I, somehow, deserved it

But I despised the picture of me in that mirror, I hated myself, helpless and humiliated from stuff I couldn’t control

Someone came out of the bathroom stall, and i started to try and wipe my tears and take the lipstick off my face, just smearing it more on my face on accident, making me cry harder

“uhm” the guy said “are you… okay?” he got slightly closer, but I didn’t look at him, covering my face, and wiping the tears that wouldn’t stop running on my face

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry” I started apologizing, not really sure on what, but I felt like I had to

“n-no, it’s okay, it’s okay” he putted his hand on my back, I flinched, I hadn’t realized he was so close

“I just—” I couldn’t finish my sentence, crying, he turned me around and hugged me

“it’s okay” he repeated “you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all” I hugged him back, tightly

“thanks” I cried more, this time not so much because I felt so hurt, but because I needed to hear that, I truly did

“I love you, Danielle” I didn’t question it, because I guess my subconscious knew it was Clay, and instead it made me feel even better, I was hurt, but a part of me felt home and believed every word that came out of Clay’s mouth

“I love you too, Clay, I truly do, I fucking do” i hugged him even more tightly

“do you want me to help you clean your face?” he asked and I nodded

He helped me wash my faced and told me that they were just stupid, and that they would get their karma soon enough

But even though I knew that wasn’t true, I chose to believe it

Because in a world where people like them where a lot of times reassured they were in the right, and they never got justice for making other people suffer, they never learned, never regretted it, the hope of someone making them realize they were wrong was little to nothing

But he said it so reassuringly I chose to believe it, I gaslit myself into thinking that would happen, and to forget the amount of injustices in this world

I looked at his face and he seemed so merciful and so eager to help, he didn’t feel pity, but just genuine love and care

But like every good dream, he had to wake up and face the reality: no one came to save him

Though that was too many years ago to actually give it more relevance than what he thought it should have, he had escaped from that hellish town anyways

But he felt the need to hug himself and he felt a few stubborn tears go down his face, but he decided to let it be, and decided to comfort himself like he had to do all those years ago, all the time, he was a grown man now, but a part of his heart kept being that teenager that got bullied, that young adult that got the dirty stares and was excluded from everything, the adult that finally was able to leave town, arriving to one that was the same but wasn’t aware of his pitiful past, gaining the minimal decency that he was almost never provided in his hometown

His phone rang and he stood lazily from his bed, he was reading some soft porn magazine, because there wasn’t anything better to do

“hello?”

“Danielle?” the man on the phone said he recognized Clay’s voice, making him smile immediately

“how’d you even find my phone?” he raised an eyebrow

“you have contacts when you’re the mayor” he sounded slightly cocky, and Danielle couldn’t like It more

“Well, great, Mr. Mayor…” that nickname made Clay feel superior. He liked that. and Danielle knew “why did you decide to call me… sir” he sounded flirtier than Clay remembered and it made him want to repress a giggle, getting a feeling he knew where Danielle wanted to go with that, but also, Danielle always sounded horny, but he wasn’t about to complain about that

“can I want to have a call with such an attractive person?”

“I can’t argue with that” Danielle smiled

“anyways, do you want to come to my office?”

“oh, I get to go to the Mayor’s office?” he fed his ego more “in that case, yeah” he played It cool, but his heart was going crazy, and couldn’t help but smile, obviously liking the idea of going to his office, his mind wandering on what they could do

“of course you get to be here” he smiled and grabbed a bottle and quickly drank it all, coughing a bit for saying the next thing: “you’re privileged”

“you’re privileged”

That’s what clay had said, but Danielle heard “You’re special” he would say it was because he knew it was what he meant to say, but in reality, it was just what he chose to believe without fundament and without nothing that proved it

Their “relationship” wasn’t ideal, of course it wasn’t

It was the fifth time they met, but he would admit it was the first time in Clay’s office

But still, even though as always he wanted to think it would be different, he knew the drill: He would arrive, they would talk-flirt for about 10 minutes, giving Clay enough time to chug down alcohol like an animal, and then Danielle would get close enough so they would kiss-makeout, for 8 minutes tops, that taking into account the times Clay took a sip of his drink

But he wasn’t going to complain, of course he wasn’t, because he was well aware of what he signed up for, and still, that disgusting alcoholic, had something that made Danielle stay, and long for him even though he was right there when Clay pulled away from a kiss, something that longed for something more

And it’s not like Clay didn’t wanted something more than that, but that was still what he made himself think, and thought that if he drank enough to forget it almost all it wouldn’t matter anyways, but even after drinking so much he still felt Danielle’s strong hand in his arms and his lips over his, so he decided to blame it on the alcohol, because he couldn’t bare to just admit he was in love

He was truly in love with a man he met formally almost a month ago, because it was wrong, but he still wouldn’t leave Danielle because it was addicting, and he had at all times an excuse, and a way to drown the guilt, because at the end he knew he would never be able to drown the desire, the lust, and the love he felt for a man

He also tried to use the fact that Danielle wasn’t “as masculine” everyone from a mile away could notice he was gay, even in a town where everyone wanted to act like that didn’t happen

Clay tried to convince himself he saw Danielle as a woman, his “feminine” traits deceiving him, even though, in reality, Danielle wasn’t unmasculine, he was just gay and people knew that easily, and that was considered unmanly

And of course, such a righteous man like himself could only feel attracted to man that’s almost the same as a woman

Danielle knocked on the door and waited for Clay “hey, Clay” he said his name flirtier, as always trying and being willing to take things further

“Hey Danielle” he leaned his head on his hand and raised his eyebrows “how’s you’ve been doing?”

“same as always, serving drunkasses beer” he sighed, as Clay noded and chugged down a beer

“I imagine it gets annoying” he stood up and kissed him

“hmm, more eager than usual, I see?” Danielle said, a bit surprised

“yeah, yeah” he had had a particularly horrible day, having to deal with Orel, he had once again fought with his wife and the both Shapeys were particularly annoying today, plus he had to deal with a bunch of complaints from Mrs. Censordoll of kids that weren’t even his

So he decided to use Danielle as a scape, because at the end of the day that was all he was, right? Some kind of reward for being a good Christian man, and it’d be useless to not actually use his reward

And because his mess of a mind felt comforted in Danielle’s lips

He was already drunk, but a drank a bit more, so he didn’t mind when Danielle started to slip his hand under his shirt, or the way their kissed were turning more passionate, more hungry

Or the things he’s say when they weren’t kissing, so he was barely conscious about the absence of his shirt, and instead look with pure admiration the way Danielle took his own shirt off, and intead just think he was truly blessed man for being able to see that

But something truly clicked the moment Danielle reached for his belt

He wanted this, he truly wanted this and his drunk mind wanted it more but something was trying to pull him back, so he pushed Danielle away and drowned whatever was holding him back in alcohol and went back to Danielle’s arms, praying to not throw up

And Danielle had no regret, even though he knew he could be one of the last straws in tearing that family apart, Orel was a nice kid, he was sure

But in all honesty, he couldn’t care less, about Orel, Shapey and Block or Bloberta

To him all that mattered in that moment and in the rest of his life was Clay

It wasn’t a tantrum, well, it kind of was, but in the “I was a rich kid and my parents gave me anything” kind of way, but more of “I never got what I wanted but this I will have by any means necessary” kind of way

And hell if he wasn’t getting what he wanted… feeling Clay’s body so close to him in such an intimate fashion, and giving himself to him, the way Clay looked, because behind his drunk expression he could see true lust and love

He wanted this, truly wanted this

He wondered if Clay’s love and desire were as strong as his, but it didn’t matter in that moment, all he could only think of Clay’s body

He had done this many times with other people that where mere whims, with people he didn’t like or loved the way he loved Clay

Because, for Danielle, they weren’t just having sex, they were making love

He was ready to submit to him, to spend the rest time of his life with him and he couldn’t be happier to finally do this with him, to see all his body and looking at him and doing everything like it was the last time he would ever do this

Like it was the las time he’d ever love someone as much, because it truly felt like that, he didn’t want anyone, or anything

He wanted Clay Puppington

And he was too love-blinded to realize that Clay wouldn’t even remember this, less cherish it the same way he did

He didn’t realize that after years of seeing gay people with such repudation, he saw that side of them both the same way

That the only reason he drank more when they were together was from the pure disgust and guilt he felt about his feeling, and how scared he was of the fact that something as stupid as love for another man could give Danielle power to make Clay feel so small and needy

In Clay’s head it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, and there was no gaslighting himself that would stop that thought enough for it to not hold him back at least a bti

But there was nothing that could stop the need, the desire either

Danielle was a need, a true need

And Clay, hypocrite to his religion and his beliefs, listening to his body and drowning the guilt was something he could do

He would cherish those moments if they existed for him, but they didn’t, and it made things worse, craving for remembering it vividly, to being able to not just phantomly remember one thing or the other to know that it happened, he wanted to feel Danielle and remember that feeling for the rest of his life

But he couldn’t, so he did what he always did, he would do it, drowning his conscience telling him it was wrong with alcohol, blurry his senses, and run away from the consequences like a coward

Because at the that was what he was. A coward that did not know ho to love, nor understood that here was nothing wrong with loving

Because for him, he wouldn’t care to know he had sex with Danielle, he could brush it off easily enough, he didn’t care for submitting to Danielle that way

But he wouldn’t be able to stan making love with him, look at him in the eyes through it and tell him the truth, express how much he loved him

To not see it as mere earthly, sinful desires, but as love, as the beautiful thing it was, and appreciate becoming one as an act of love, not pure lust

But again, he was a coward, a coward that woke up first than Danielle and after throwing up all the alcohol in his body and having a mini-crisis because of what he had done, he drank a bit more, to settle once again on the lies he built for himself and ran away to his home

Danielle woke up to an empty office, locked from the inside so no one came in and watched him naked

He had looked to his side in hopes to see Clay, but of course he found no one, it in a sense felt like a bucket of harsh reality, but he wasn’t gonna let that bring him down

He was a step closer, and at least that was something

Clay drank and he drank in his study, not leaving time for his hang over to feel better, thank god he woke up first

It was sex and sex only, he never felt anything with Bloberta while doing so, so it truly didn’t matter

So he decided to smile and let his true feelings for the situation slightly come out

a man had his needs, right? He only did it with Danielle because he was the easiest one to access, and he didn’t even remember it! So, it didn’t matter, and of course after a one-night stand everyone felt better, it would be o difference if he had slept with dolly or some whore he found on the way

he was lucky that it was Danielle, such a gracious man

he started wandering in his mind about the stuff he probably had done with him, the hickeys in his thighs prove enough, and pushing the guilt that could et him alive to the back of his head, along with all his sins and regrets

and of the back of his mind his honeymoon resurfaced, not the time he had spent with Bloberta but rather that man that approached him in the hotel’s bar

he was shorter than him, and had slightly long blond hair, he looked very laid back and confident

maybe he just had a type

Chapter Text

Bloberta was cleaning the floor, she had already cleaned everything, once, twice, one hundred times, but it wasn’t enough, it was never enough, her house may be glowing clean, but her life was still a mess and the only thing that gave her a faint sense of control was cleaning

“Milk!” Shapey grabbed her

“Shapey, no!” she hit his hand away and Shapey screeched, starting to throw a tantrum

She lowkey wished to be more caring of him, she truly did, but most part of her only saw Shapey as a prove that how desperate she used to be and how she still is

How absolutely nothing had changed

She craved for feeling anything aside from stress, she had become numb enough to not feel anything nice and it was killing her slowly

She wanted something, someone that would take her out of her suffering, she thought that Clay would help her, and that she was helping Clay, but instead they just destroyed the little they had left and trapped each other in an unhappy life, though they were both searching for it so they were victims and perpetrators of their own story

Clay would rather look past it and blame it on anyone but himself, and she preferred to live up what she thought was the key to the perfect life brought her

But she just wouldn’t let go of Clay, she had at some point proposed divorce, but she took it back, not only because people would look down to her, but because there wasn’t a single chance that she would get back to living a life socially approved, and well, of course, it was a sin to get divorced

Because then it was when it counted, didn’t it? When it made her feel miserable, then it was when it mattered, no one cared about all the sins everyone committed every day, further than the “we’re all sinners” kind of stuff, all the lying, when it was used to make happy everyone but her

Adultery was a sin, but it was something they wouldn’t talk about, but god forbids she divorced the asshole of his husband

Judgement was a sin, but everyone made each other miserable worried of the judgment of other people, using the excuse of the same thing that prohibited it

At the end, Clay was the only thing that made her feel slightly holy and right, because she was completing the thing she was meant to do

Married, and raising her children, but she couldn’t avoid to wonder if misery was supposed to be part of it all

“hey mom” Orel called her

“what, Orel?”

“Do you think you can help me study?” she started cleaning the floor harder

“you can do it yourself, sweetie” she forced herself to smile slightly to him

“But—” she interrupted him, just giving him a silent frown “sorry” he walked away, book in hand

She sighed and got up, there was nothing left to clean or re-clean, so she sat and started to knit, wondering and lamenting of her life

She heard Clay arriving and she stood I front of the door, with her arms crossed

“where were you?” she asked, Clay had never slept somewhere else than home without her making him

“what do you care?” he frowned

“well, I do, I’m your wife” she noticed a hickey on Clay’s neck and her heart skipped a beat, but not in the good way “What’s that in your neck?” she got closer and he backed away

“a bruise” he answered without hesitation, assuming she meant the hickey he had more visible on his neck “a… a branch accidentally hit me in the neck” he didn’t even know why he was lying, he was almost 100% sure Bloberta had cheated many times, because there was no way in hell she just happened to get pregnant out of nowhere

But still, he lied, because that’s what they did, they were slightly more themselves, but only to let show how little they cared about the other

“oh, really now?” she crossed her arms, clearly not believing him

“yes! Why don’t you ever believe me?!” he asked, starting to yell at her, while Orel walked down the stairs

“oh, why would I even believe you in the first place?” she kept a normal tone, ad with the same expression, as if she was not faced by anything he was saying

“Because I’m you husband! You’re not a good wife and I don’t put that up your face all the time!” he was tired, really tired and just wanted to go to his study and drink, but it infuriated him how she didn’t yell, scowled ever so slightly but it generally looked like a neutral facial expression, her tone sounded colder but that was it

“I’m not a good wife? Oh, sure, then I guess I won’t cook for you anymore” she turned around

“Fine!” he walkedto his study, quickly pouring himself some alcohol, leaving his wife infuriated giving him a dirty stare

Orel, quietly hearing from the kitchen, started to pray for his mother and father, hoping for them to stop fighting like that

Bloberta stayed in the first floor, she knew how it went: They fought, then he would come down and act like nothing had happened, sometimes she would act like that too, others she would ignore him

It’s not like they talked much anyway, they just were… there, but they weren’t there for the other, they were married and that was all, and for some reason, she didn’t want to lose that

It was complicated, and she didn’t even get it, her thoughts being too contradictory, and she knew it, but a part of herself wanted to stay there and not lose her husband even though it made her miserable, because in some way she saw Clay as a trophy, a trophy for accomplishing what she was taught she had to do, and what was that truly mattered

She was crying onto the floor, having to clean her own tears, just as depressing as having to mop a floor under a rain that won’t stop, as that was the last thing you had and you could hold onto, useless but still the last thing you had to not lose yourself and feel good

When she first met him, she approached in hopes of having the life she wished since she was a child that all her friends seemed to be accomplishing

As a kid, every time she was excluded from her own family, she was thought and swore that she would never make her kids feel that way, that she would be the mother she had wished she had, but she was far from that, she was aware one day her kids had to realize she wasn’t truly a good mother, no matter how hard she tried

She couldn’t be a good mother, she wasn’t made for it, but she wasn’t going to try and change it

It was in mornings like this she became more self-aware, remembering how it was when she was a little kid, and she imagined her young self looking disappointed at her

She hated Clay as much as she hated herself

But Clay also felt Bloberta, having a wife, was the last thing keeping him thinking he had made what he had to

They weren’t meant to be together, they knew and didn’t want to be with the other, but they were like two negatives magnets, holding into each other regardless of repealing the other out of nature

“hello mom” Orel came down the stairs at about 7:00pm for dinner

“hey Orel” she smiled putting the plate in front of him and another one for Shapey, knowing he would probably not eat anyway

“why isn’t dad here?” Orel asked and she frowned, even though Orel was just worried and wanted to eat with him

“I don’t know, go ask him if you care so much” She started to clean the dishes harder

Orel was too innocent for his own good, too innocent to understand everything or the reality of his parents and the town he lived in, because is brain chose to believe in the people around him, and that made him joyous

Anyone would call him dumb, naïve and that he had to grow up, but truly all of the town wished they had half of the happiness he had, because, truly, ignorance was happiness

It was sad to think, that sooner or later, that innocence had to be shattered for his own good

He just looked down, guessing they hadn’t made up yet, did they never, anyway?

“Do you like the food?” she asked, just because she felt uncomfortable

“yes, thanks” he answered, smiling as always

“did you forget to pray?”

“of course, I did” He sounded even slightly offended, he believed prayer was more important than eating itself! “we are going to church tomorrow, right?” he got excited just by the thought of it

“of course, what kind of family do you think we are?” She mimicked his offended tone from earlier “we are a good, Christian family, Orel, we could never skip church, then god wouldn’t love us, do you want God and Jesus to not love you?”

He felt sick just at the thought “golly… no” he wasn’t going to be able to bare god hating him, god was the most appreciated thing he ever, ever had and he didn’t now what he could do without him

“good, then you better believe we will be attending church” she wasn’t sure if it was a threat, because she was certain it wasn’t a bad thing for Orel, if anything, it was his favorite thing in the world, she wished she had that enthusiasm

“great” he smiled wide and kept eating, excited for going to church

Meanwhile, in his study, Clay looked at nowhere in specific, his mind blank, whoever saw him would say he was lost in thought but he truly wasn’t thinking of anything, just mindlessly taking sips from his drink and drinking more when he had finished it

It was a routine at this point, like Danielle would lay on his bed, waiting for Clay to call, he tried calling him of course, but all the calls would be rejected

He knew this would happen, but it still hurt

Why love had to be so complicated? Wy it couldn’t just be good?

He loved the feeling of being in love, but he couldn’t finish of enjoying it, with Clay running away in such way from him, he was raised in a religious environment, so he couldn’t say he blamed Clay, as he knew where he was coming from

It was always the same, and at this rate he had learned what it felt like from so many men trying to explain to him why they wouldn’t and couldn’t be with him

Love was shit

Well, it was for him, and it was too unfair, but he couldn’t do anything about it more than suck it up and conform himself with what Clay gave him and gaslight himself into thinking it was enough and romanticize it

Because that’s what he always did, he would think or realize it wasn’t that good to then romanticize it and thinking it would be a love story, where in some way or the other, they would end up together, he could see how fucked up the town was, be one of the rational adults - that definitely said a lot about the adults there – but he couldn’t and didn’t want to see that Clay was far from having an actual good love with him or wanting to change for him

He sighed and picked up the phone once again and dialed the phone he had already memorized

He sat there knowing he would most likely not answer, regardless, he held a bit of false hope

Bloberta heard the phone ring in Clay’s study, she knew she shouldn’t… but what was the worse that could happen? She was his wife after all, she should be able to pick up his calls, plus, why would someone call him instead of the house?

“Hey Clay” Danielle said in a playful tone, not even Bloberta say anything and she knew exactly who it was, her blood starting to boil, was Clay entertaining this little… whatever it was

“It’s his wife actually, do you need anything?” she sounded sassy

“oh” his voice tone changed to more serious, if she thought he would have some sort of respect or the littlest bit of fear from the actual wife of the man he had whatever it was, she was sadly wrong “well, Is Clay not around or something?” he asked, checking his nails

“He’s busy”

“with?”

“his actual family” it was a lie, of course, he was most likely in the bathroom throwing his guts out and chugging more alcohol

“great, then tell him to call me when he’s done doing whatever with his kids” she frowned, that had struck a nerve

“You’re going to burn in hell”

“boo-hoo” he mocked her “you’re just angry your husband likes me more than he will ever like you, at the end he loves me and he’s just with you because he has to”

“I’m sorry you actually believe he actually loves you” And now that had struck a nerve in Danielle “if you think that Clay, Clay puppington, actually loves you in any way or form, I feel sorry for how stupid you are… you’re just another craving he has, this isn’t the first time he just goes ahead and tries to be with someone, and I guarantee you… he will back down quicker than you think, and at the end you’ll die alone and spend the rest of your life in hell for a man that doesn’t care for you” Danielle had nothing to say, he just frowned there “Good night, Stopframe”

He cringed slightly at her calling him his last name

“good night, Stopframe” He mocked her voice after throwing the phone, crossing his arms

Who she even thought she was? Though he was sure Bloberta truly knew that even if he didn’t love him, the tiniest amount of want he had for him, was more than the want he had for her

It was a low bar, but Clay felt more for him than for her, and he would take that as a win

He would take anything as a win

And in her house, going out of the study, Bloberta cried slightly, out of anger, prepotency, disappointment, disgust and sadness

She could nothing to keep her husband, right?

She knew the twinkle in Clay’s eyes when he saw Danielle, she recognized it

He actually loved him, he actually felt something, no matter how much she denied it, there was something

But she trusted that Clay “knew better”, that he would reject those feelings enough for him to stick around, and well, she wasn’t wrong

But she wanted to simply end it, end the thing between them, because if Danielle was able to change Clay’s mind, he wouldn’t doubt to ditch them, and it wasn’t fair that Clay, the mindless, selfish, careless, asshole alcoholic would have his fucking happy ending, and she would have to figure it out as a single mother with three kids, she wouldn’t be able to stand it

She had to break them apart, some way or the other, she didn’t care if it meant hurting someone in the way, ruining a life, it didn’t matter, but they weren’t going to ruin hers

As selfish as that sounded

And Danielle was thinking that in one way or the other he had to make Clay ditch Bloberta and his family… well, maybe he could tolerate Orel

He didn’t care to ruin Bloberta’s life, but he was going to have Clay no matter what

They were both some selfish people fighting for a “clueless” alcoholic dumbass that also didn’t care for the consequences his actions had on other people’s life, all of them thinking they deserved everything in the world and had done nothing wrong, their morals being almost perfect, unlike the other

The price was Clay and ensuring misery for the other, and that seemed worth it

“Bloberta, were you in my study?” Clay asked frowning, drinking more whisky

“I saw that something had fallen and I just picked It up” she lied, and Clay’s drunk mind just decided to not care, he groaned and turned around to go lay on his bed

Bloberta was just about to stop him because of the fight earlier, to send him to sleep on his study or the sofa, but she thought about it, taking Danielle into account

It was a like of chess, they had to sacrifice things and think it thoroughly to win

They were both thinking it too much, clearly, because Bloberta was trying to make him not realize something was up, but he was drunk he wouldn’t’ve realized or cared, he was barely aware of himself

But when something that you held on as Bloberta held to Clay, you would think it too much too

She also knew her husband, he would not care for the little things but would remember glory, good things, stuff that made him feel powerful and superior without doing really anything, he liked feeling like he could control the person, he liked when people weren’t people but puppets eager to follow his orders and not have to deal with disagreeing

“Who told you you were going to sleep in my room?” she placed her hands on her hips, stopping him

He groaned “oh, so now I can’t sleep in my own bedroom?” he turned around, and drank more

“wouldn’t be the first time” she looked away

“we don’t even sleep together!” he made a week effort to point to the bedroom, but it just ended up being him just raising his arm briefly to that direction “because of that stupid lust-whatever wall!” his voice was slurred, but kept drinking more

“you’re right” she sighed, Clay, clearly surprised, raised his eyebrows

“really?”

“yes. I’m just so stressed with women stuff that I couldn’t see you were right all along” details didn’t matter, he heard her saying he was right, and it was was filling up his mind, she had said he was right, he smiled proudly

“well, of course I am” he stood straighter “I will now go to sleep” he entered the bedroom and Bloberta rolled her eyes

Orel, a quiet viewer, smiled, because he thought that his parents were genuinely making up again and they weren’t mad at each other, and, you see, little things like him gave him hopes of them being happier and fighting less often

He thought his parents maybe were truly fixing themselves, and actually were starting to love each other, instead of just being a trophy of “I did what I was meant to do”, or stopped seeing the other as some book you bought for school

There was a high chance they would stick together, of course, but it would never be because of love

But maybe they would stick together, and that was what Orel saw as love

Chapter Text

Danielle looked at himself in the mirror, he was frowning and looked exhausted

He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been thinking about what Bloberta had said

I mean, it was true, wasn’t it? it was Clay Puppington after all, but he always chose to believe that he would change for him, that he would leave all his trauma behind for him

Even though he knew first hand how hard it was when you were religious to be okay with being in love with someone of your same gender

He was agnostic for the same thing, he was always taught that homosexuality was something God despised, he was taught that he had to be miserable in order for god to love him, and “fight the flesh” by suppressing feelings he had no control of, being told that it was just lust and sin when it was love, it was actual love

He was sick of feeling guilty, of trying to ignore, well, himself, so he unconsciously stopped caring about religion altogether, just joining whatever worked for him at the time, he would shift between satanism and Christianity

Sometimes he felt like he hit a wall, because sometimes nothing worked and he felt like he had nothing from above to help him

He walked into his bed, completely naked, and laid down on his bed, looking up once again, wondering who was up there, if anyone

What it felt to be a god, looking down to his creation, making themselves miserable, and even the ones who seemed to “follow him more devoutly” decided to take everything out of context, change it, translate it wrongly and still, with what was left, they decided to change it

He couldn’t avoid to think about what happened after death when thinking about it, if there was a true heaven and if he was truly going to hell, or if there was absolutely nothing, and he wondered if there was people out there clinging to religion for the illusion of an afterlife

Or if for some people, they actually felt what they said and just felt someone was up there listening and looking after every single one of them

He knew he didn’t deserve heaven if there was one

And he did what he always did in times like this, he closed his eyes, and not knowing if there was truly something up there, started praying

He didn’t know if he was talking to himself, or if god was listening, but it was in moments like this where he didn’t care, he just hoped someone was indeed listening

He asked for everything he was missing, every single time

And it never changed, no matter who he wished to, who he prayed, he always asked for the same things every time

Clay would too from time to time doubt the reality of their religion, of course he did, just like everyone in moralton

He would look up and think about his misery

Why someone that’s supposed to be so merciful made him live in misery? Who would leave their creations to suffer?

Why would he not listen to his pleas no matter how much he asked?

He would never admit it, too drunk and self-absorbed to notice, but he never actually even tried to follow what was preached, even when it was wrong, he would just go against everything he was supposed to believe, but still judge like he was following everything by heart, expecting people to follow what he didn’t

But he needed to hold onto something, hold into a faint hope of that even though he was dirt, simple dirt, something was out there, more powerful than anyone, who had control of his life, because he didn’t

He had been lied to all his life, and religion was the last thing he could hold onto, the hope of something else being there, the hope of hope

And also, deep within himself, he felt like he did so little he couldn’t stand the thought to just be bones in the dirt, so he needed to believe there was some place to go after life

Because his life wasn’t one worth living

He would never pray, he would instead drink himself blind, just like every adult in Moralton except, ironically, Danielle and Steph

They weren’t good people, and they wouldn’t admit it but they knew, and they made themselves miserable listening to the part of the religion that made them not happy

So, he would think of Danielle, of his body, his voice, his demeanor, all himself and wondered how someone could be so calm in life

Of course, it would look like the thought was depressing, but sometimes your life was so bad that thinking of the truth of himself and everyone was better than paying attention to his surroundings and responsibilities

The quiet loudness of the town, the voice of the reverend sounding around all the church, filled with hypocrisy in every single one of his words, hearing but not listening, nodding along even though he was drunker than Bloberta or anyone would like

No one looked at the other and realized they weren’t just themselves in the world, they weren’t the only ones that felt every second passin that made them become closer to the inevitable death and the uneasiness of not knowing what was next and gripping to religion with their both hands without actually believing

Fake prophets, you could call them

Danielle only wanted to be loved

And he wouldn’t be able to fid that within Clay easily

And when they met

When Clay grabbed his hand, and when Danielle kissed his lips and felt the alcohol in Clay’s mouth, and knew that Clay was senseless, he decided to make himself think that was love, and was the closest thing he would get to it

He would ignore how Clay would back away from him near people when he was gonna kiss him, but still accepted when Danielle offered to take care of him, how he would call him pretty, how he would misgender him, how he would not look at him in the eyes, how much it hurt when Clay acted like nothing happened the next day and how he would simply forget the stuff he cherished with his heart

Clay also wanted to be love, but he couln’t stand that the only person he felt like he wanted it from was Danielle

“I love you Clay” Danielle said while sliding his hand in Clay’s naked back, he looked truly beautiful that way

“thanks” he slurred out, so close Danielle swore he could quite literally get drunk from the strong smeel of alcohol in Clay’s breath, but he ended up accepting that as normal in clay

Danielle kissed him slowly, and Clay kissed him hard, fast and passionate

Danielle was Clay’s boytoy and even with that he couldn’t stand to be with him at least a bit sober

“You’re the best woman in the world” Clay grunted, his hand going onto Danielle’s shoulders

And Danielle just took the words that would chase them in his mind since forever, he embraced what he feared and hated in the worst way

But he loved Clay, so he just kept going like nothing happened and tried to kiss him, being met with the same desperation than from the beginning, because couldn’t get enough, could he?

For Danielle it was enough, the almost nothing he got from Clay was more than enough, he was living off the crumbs Clay left in the floor for him

He would decide to just not think about it when he was with Clay, not giving it much thought when Clay would just act as normal, flirting with him, but not drunk enough to actually kiss him, for now he had just kissed him once or twice in the bar

He would talk with him while he worked, serving him drinks until Clay couldn’t think straight

But this time

This time he couldn’t just pull it aside

It had been a long day, well, no, a long week, he hadn’t even been able to see or being with Clay aside from when he went to the bar during his shift

His mother had called him at like 3 AM, he had just arrived home from his work

He felt an instant chill when he heard his mother’s voice

“hello? Danielle?” she sounded weak, but she had the same tone of voice, and he swore he could still hear her yell while he cried in the floor

“You’re talking to him” he answered, acting like he didn’t remember her

“Hello honey, it’s your mom” she sounded so more… gentle, fragile

“oh, how you’ve been doing” he said acting like he didn’t care

“I’m going to visit you, soon” his eyes widen

“wha… what?” he looked around at his room, filled with photos of Clay and crosses, some of them upside down, others normal and others halfway “well, I mean, how long it’s soon?” he wasn’t eeven going to try and stop her to come home, ask why or nothing, he had gone zero contact but was still too terrified of his mom, he had no idea how she got his phone number, but it would end up badly if he stood up to her

And he was scared of her, really scared of her, that type of scared that he would just obey without second thought, like if he was being held at gunpoint, but she had just called him

He was almost 40 years old, but even after 20 years of not hearing of his mom, he was still a sacredly kid for her

“tomorrow” his heart dropped

“tomorrow today or tomorrow tomorrow?” his voice shook slightly, quickly taking all the photos down and trying to make all the upside-downs crosses into normal

“oh, Danielle, are you stupid? Of course tomorrow today!” she rolled her eyes and Danielle felt between small and angry

“shit” he whispered

“what did you say?!”

“that I’m going to clean stuff up” he corrected himself, why couldn’t he just stand up to his mom?

She scoffed “of course your house is a mess, I don’t even know how you have lived by yourself for so long!” she hadn’t even arrived and he was already remembering why he left, and why it was quick and without explanations

“in peace” he whispered

“beg your pardon?” he quickly said “nothing” again, but what she said next truly made his blood boil and his heart hurt just a little “Ah! You’re still such a fag you can’t even stand up to your own actions, and I that I thought you had become a man after all those years” though he did what he always did, he ignored it like a coward

He frowned and just kept cleaning “I’ll wait for you then” he sighed and hung up, he was already feeling stressed but didn’t let that get to his head and just started to put all the photos in a box and started to think where he could hide them

They where having whatever they had going on for like 4 months, when did he take so many pictures? He truly needed to stalk Clay less… no, that wasn’t it

He fixed everything as quickly as possibly as he could, her mom was a beast, a bitch and everything that was wrong with the world was in her

But even still he had the courage to leave far away from his hometown, far away from her, he never faced her, and it was the first time he would see her after almost 20 years

He was starting to cook after cleaning everything in his house when he heard a knock on the door

He was gonna make her speechless

“Hey… mom” He opened the door and greeted his mother, she looked like the time hadn’t been treating her well, she slouched a lot more, her face had a lot of wrinkles and looked like she had tried to get botox, and used a stick to walk

“hello, my love” she hugged him and kissed him in the cheek, he was sure it would leave a red mark, she started to look around “hm… it looks good… a bit small, but good” she nodded in aprovement and it made Danielle surprised, that was the first time his mom approved anything of his it made him feel… nice, maybe age had helped her? Maybe she just lashed out that once time on the phone, she hated long trips after all “what are you cooking”

“oh, yeah, I’m cooking chicken alfredo” it was his mom’s favorite and when she smiled at him, he felt extremely good, like if he had just become the champion of the world… maybe this wasn’t going to be s bad after all

“it smells good” she sat down and sighed, her back aching, age had really gotten to her, and she wanted to at least have one nice moment with her son before dying, and Danielle couldn’t like it more, as a kid, he never had moment like this

He would try and hide from his mother, he tried to be anywhere but near her, even if that meant having to take all the bullying he received at school or really anywhere

“what have you been doing lately, honey?” it was the first time those words weren’t spoken with hatred

“well, not much” he muttered as he went to the kitchen to keep cooking

“you don’t have a girl yet?” she asked and Danielle started to get nervous

“no, not really”

“oh, you never got lucky on those topics, did you?” she chuckled

“yeah, I never did” he served the food and she thanked him

Everything went so well he was actually surprised

Sure, a few comments he didn’t like here and there, some lies… but overall, it was the best time h ever spent with his mother and he was happy he actually got to have a mother, even if he was 39 now and she was just an old lady

It was the second day that his mother had been around, they were playing 21 and the phone started to ring

“oh, I gotta pick that up, sorry” he stood up and grabbed the phone, smiling slightly

“hey Danielle” Clay side on the other end of the phone, though this time he sounded more sober

“oh, hey Clay” he smiled more and shifted his weight form one leg to the other

“you’re going to work today?”

“you know I will” he knew he had a different tone of voice with Clay, aiming to sound more seductive

“hmm, I will see you there, then” Clay played slightly with the cord of the phone, sounding like a teenage girl

“see ya, then” he chuckled, and, oh, that laugh made wonders to Clay, he swore he could just get off with hearing him laugh

“see ya” he said back giggling

They stayed doing that for about 10 minutes, his mother could hear him, but decided to let it be, he wanted to stay with the hope it was a girl he was talking to, but she knew it wasn’t so she didn’t ask, wanted to ignore the reality

“hey, mom” he was smiling like stupid as he sat back down, she frowned slightly, but Danielle was too caught up thinking of Clay to realize

“Looking handsome, are we?” his mom teased Danielle as he went to work on his uniform

“Thanks, mama” she stood up with a lot of effort and kissed him in the cheek, Danielle having to bend down a bit

“you’re such a gentleman now” she passed a hand over Danielle’s shirt “go make a girl happy, will ya?” she truly was trying to convince herself his son had changed on that side

“I will” he was lying, but he wasn’t about to ruin this nice moment with his mom

“I know” she sighed as he walked out, trying with all her might to not ruin it too

He was serving a beer to Mr. Papermouth when he saw Clay entering the bar, making him smile instantly

“is there here any bartender that could serve me a whisky?” Clay asked while looking at Danielle

“you’ll have to do with me” he got closer to him

“oh, I’d do you” Danielle laughed, he would swear Clay wasn’t as drunk as other times, but still seemed confident

Clay got obscenely drunk in the bar, asking glass after glass, and complaining of his job, kids and wife, it was normal, but at some point, they were having a normal conversation, sometimes saying flirty stuff

At 1AM, they were all alone in the bar

“y’know, I like you more than my wife” he slurred “I wished you were a woman so I would marry you and whatever”

“I would like it too” he sighed and then went to kiss him, he liked this, he liked being with Clay, it didn’t matter if it was always the same, he would never get tired

He arrived home smiling, but then his heart stopped, seeing his mother looking at all the photos of Clay in a box

“what are you… what are you uhm, d-doing with that?”

“who is this man?” she was frowning “nothing, has changed, has it? You’re still some effeminate fag, I swear I thought that I raised you well enough for you to grow up into an actual man instead like a freaking woman!” she finally snapped

He felt between angry and between horribly sad

He stood up “What is wrong with you?!” he yelled at her, she was very surprised, it was the very first time she ever heard Danielle yell, she was sure it was the first time ever did

“to who you’re talking to like that?!” She yelled back

“to you, you stupid bitch! I don’t want you here, not anywhere near me and I hope you burn in hell for the rest of eternity!” He wasn’t saying that out of anger, he meant every single word, but it still hurt deep in his heart “so go get the fuck out of my house!”

“oh, now you act like a man?!”

“I said: get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House” tears were streaming down his face, most of them of anger

“I want you to know that I hate you and I never held a single grain of hope for you to succeed, you’re a disgrace for this family, a disgrace for your town, and a disgrace to whoever ever saw you, I swear I’ve seen women more masculine than you” she grabbed her stuff and left, leaving Danielle once again, and he dropped on the floor, hugging himself and crying

He couldn’t find it within himself to feel better, so he went to the kitchen and opened the top cabinet, grabbing a big bottle of vodka he bought back when he just moved out, but never opened, so he started drinking, all those years of not drinking had really messed up with him, being very drunk just after 3 shots, when he used to be able to chug the bottle down and just starting to feel a bit tipsy

So, he drank half the bottle and passed out on the floor

He woke up with a head ache and nausea, he had almost already forgot what it felt like to have a hang over

But he saw his home, feeling more empty than usual, tears threatening to scape again, it had been long enough since someone like his mom came in and called him effeminate, first time in the last 24 years he had cried in front of his mother

He had taken pride in not crying so much, of being able to have a tough skin, not being sensitive

So he dialed Clay’s phone, he had slept through the whole day anyway, so he called him, wanting to get his mind off everything

“Hey Clay” his voice sounded even deeper

“hey Danielle” he answered smiling, trying to sound nonchalant

“are you by any chance… free?”

“oh, for you? I’m always free” Bloberta was out the door, and heard this, so she knocked on the door, alarming Clay “uh- though right now I’m busy see ya later” he said quickly hanging up

“who was it?” she asked, crossing her arms

“this is a reason to enter my study? If you have nothing to do or tell me, then you gotta leave MY study!” he really just saying anything to get her to leave

“well, I’m here to pick your dirty clothes up” she bent down to pick up a sock and then walked out looking at Clay directly in the eyes scowling

9PM, they were on Danielle’s house, Danielle was whispering sweet nothing into Clay’s ear, saying how much he loved him, he had grown used to the smell of alcohol, starting to even like it a bit, he was stressed, and he was taking the stress out on Clay, but he didn’t seem to mind

Not that he would remember anyway

“y-you’re the best woman ever” Clay slurred out, grabbing more alcohol and chuggin it down, something broke inside Danielle, he wasn’t sure what, but he started to cry, he didn’t stop, but he felt embarrassed, humiliated and stressed, Clay was almost passing out of how drunk he was, but still Danielle felt like he couldn’t stop, to not bother Clay, because at the end that was the only thing Clay cared about in Danielle wasn’t it?

Chapter Text

While Clay was sleeping by his side, he couldn’t find within himself to sleep, feeling slightly humiliated, weak

He had taken pride for not crying often, not looking so emotional, for not showing any emotional weakness in front of other people, and Clay was the last person he wanted to show weakness to

He looked at his side, Clay sleeping so calmly, he knew that Clay may not even remember it, but he will and that would hunt him down

He stood up starting to put everything in place, moving the half-empty vodka bottle, though a thought of drinking the rest of it was tempting, he just put it back where it was

Feeling like shit he started making breakfast for him and for Clay even though he was almost fully sure Clay would just wake up and awkwardly leave but still he was hungry either way, and he would always make two plates, fantasizing for Clay to eat with him

He made toasts with cheese and scrambled eggs inside them, he sat down with both plates, one in the empty chair in front of him, the other in front of him

It felt weirdly more lonely than usual

Clay was there, in the other room, and even though of that he had to eat by himself, and fake he was eating with him

He was there, but not in the way he wished he was there… that was selfish, wasn’t it?

He wanted Clay for himself, and only himself

He wanted to be held by him, he wanted for him to kiss him sober

He wanted love

But that wasn’t how it was meant to be, it never was, and he knew that, so he just started eating his food, looking at the empty chair where, in a perfect world, Clay was sitting

Clay woke up slowly, recognizing that the sheets that were covering him weren’t his, he looked around and recognized the house he had woken up at a few times, the stupidly soft sheets and the overall good smell…

He searched for his clothes on the floor picking them slowly, his headache making him slightly dizzy, getting dressed and feeling slightly embarrassed thinking of the things they probably did, but he had to admit, whenever he slept over at Danielle’s, he would sleep like a baby

“oh, hey Clay” Danielle greeted, even though he was lost in thought a few seconds ago

The look in Danielle’s face, looking slightly sleepy and calm at the same time, eating his breakfast while shirtless, it made his heart jump a little, it made him want to stay there, but that wasn’t was he was supposed to do, because the voice in the back of his head told him so

God, he hadn’t felt guilty in so long, and every time he felt guilty for the butterflies in his stomach it hit him like a fucking train

“yeah, whatever, I have to leave” Clay said nervously, making Danielle feel slightly hurt as he watched Clay walk to the door, while searching for alcohol in his coat pockets, drinking it as fast as possible when he closed the door behind him, trying to drown the guilt, the butterflies in his stomach and try to find comfort in the faint burn the alcohol gave him while going down his throat

Danielle just looked back at his almost full plate, he wasn’t even hungry anymore, but still forced himself to eat

Alone

For now, and forever, doomed to eat whatever was given to him

His mother’s backlash played over and over in his mind, he felt so guilty, he wasn’t easily hurt, but he had felt so vulnerable and disappointed, after all those years of resenting his mother, he was actually building a relationship with him

He didn’t even know how or why he forgave her so fast, he guessed the idea of having a good relationship with his mother made him excited, so when she started treating him slightly nice, like she had never before, he just got too happy

But then she yelled at him, exactly liked she used to when he was just a teenager, when he didn’t even understand why

But now he understood and somehow it hurt more

He looked at his food, and stood up, the silence was deafening, and the loneliness was crushing him

Clay was finishing the drink by the time he arrived at his door, opening it to find his wife frantically cleaning the floor

“where were you?” Bloberta asked, in her usual calm and near monotone tone of voice “you really should start to sleep in your house more often, you have a kid and wife after all”

“yeah, whatever” he frowned, he felt annoyed by going back to his life

“you were with Danielle, weren’t you?” she asked, she couldn’t help but feel slightly bad, because she knew the answer anyway

“so, what if I was? that’s none of your business, I’m tired” He walked past her, making Bloberta’s blood boil, taking out on the perfectly cleaned wooden floor, searching for the slightest mistake to clean it, and even if there wasn’t any, she would find a way

She was going to find a way to break them apart, it shouldn’t be hard anyway, she knew her husband and knew how easy it would be to destroy the faint thing he thought was love

She had no other choice than to attack the only thing that knew could make Clay feel guilt: Religion, and it’s that she was fully aware that homosexuality was so drilled into his brain that it’s the only thing he could actually feel guilty of through religion, she was aware of the how heavy the guilt was, and she knew how weak Clay was

“Hey, Clay” Bloberta said sternly as he drunkly stumbled into their bedroom

“what?!” he half-yelled at her, his voice slurred

“I hope you enjoy hell” there was a thing with Bloberta… she had such a calm and comforting voice that when she spoke and sounded serious, it would somehow stick with you “you are a disgrace to your family ad to the whole town, sleeping around with a man-whore, I hope you know you’re disgusting to god and to everyone with a single brain cell and an ounce of dignity” She crossed her arms, and while it made Clay angry, a little voice, in the back of his head, told him Bloberta was actually right “you’re not worth of anyone’s love anyway” not worth it? That had hit a nerve

The rest of harsh words from Bloberta became faint, he could only hear over and over “you’re not worth it”

“you’re not worth it”

“you’re not worth it”

“you’re not worth it”

The voice of Bloberta saying it got mixed with his father’s voice, the day of his mother’s dead, a death he carried within himself, a death he tried to convince himself wasn’t his fault with his own mother’s words

“there are no mistakes, only evil and miracles”

A death that changed his life, a death that brought him where he was right now, a dumb tantrum that brought him so much regret

And being unworthy of the love of his father

Of being unworthy of doing anything, of never being enough

He only perceived Bloberta walking past him, but he felt guilty, guilty again like that little kid, why was it so hard anyways?

Why is it so hard to let go of troubles when you were kid? Why are we always just grown up kids?

Why we never had a shot at good childhood?

Maybe they didn’t deserve it, maybe they weren’t destined to it

He hugged his pillow, dirty and tear-stained, Bloberta not even trying to clean it from time to time, but that was far from important right now, because maybe Bloberta was indeed right, maybe he didn’t deserve love in any way

That would make sense, he wasn’t worth the time of his father, he wasn’t worth to be loved, at the end of the day his life was driven by simple obligation, and probably that’s how it should be

The obligation of being a father, and the obligation of being married, and acting like he actually cared for them was what a righteous man was supposed to do no matter what

Sacrifice for them, every single time because that’s the only thing important, to fake to care for his family

But then Danielle took every single one of that obligations away, took that heavy weight off his shoulders and left him at peace, made him happy in a way he could never explain, but in reality, he never deserved it, he wasn’t worth of that peace

He felt like crying but nothing came out of his eyes, making him more frustrated, he had grown used to this feeling but it felt different this time

Maybe it was truly wrong, maybe for the first time he should listen to the truth, to the right

Maybe he should stop drowning the guilt, stop hiding from his reality

But that wasn’t going to happen, of course it wasn’t going to happen, as always, he would choose what to believe, when too be a hypocrite and when to make himself suffer

but the problem was that he was trapped, trapped with a wife, and kids, two of them that weren’t even his! On the other hand… he was weak, and he wasn’t just a weak man that took pride in his son’s fear of him, to make him gulp with just a phrase, but he was weak to his feeling in a physical, mental way, in a way he could never explain and a way he never was

So, he would run back where he was happy and he would carry that burden, that thought would be there, in the corners of his mind, but the weakness he had for Danielle would be too much for him, and he would give in sooner or later, with the guilt eating his drunken mind

Danielle was a drug to him and he was a total addict, Danielle was something forbidden, then he was a criminal, a sinner, and he would sin again and again and again, because he just couldn’t run away from it, how could he run away from something that was a need?

He needed like he needed to breathe, to eat, to sleep, to cry

Like he needed love

And when he had the most stressful week of his entire life, he needed him

So even with the voices of consciousness in his head told him not to, he looked for him, like a starving man looks for food, like he just walked the dessert without a drop of water and Danielle was a lake of the most pure and fresh water ever

And when they were kissing, they both felt like their lives depended on the other, Danielle served him the alcohol he was addicted to in the bar, and in his house, he gave him the kisses that relieved him more than any alcohol ever could

He didn’t need words, he knew the drill, just let himself be loved, lose himself in the loving arms of Danielle, at that point, he had started to cry, he hadn’t even drunk from the stress, he could only think of Danielle, of the kisses he left on his tear-stained cheeks

He felt in heaven, and he couldn’t thank more to be sober, for the first time, reality didn’t hurt, he couldn’t help but to feel stolen

Stolen from this, from the love, by the church, by the people, by the stares, by the guilt

Danielle wanted to cry too, but made himself not to, knowing damn well that Clay was a mess in that moment, filled with guilt, sadness, hate, happiness, stress, so all he could do was hold him, help him in the only way he could

Other day, same routine for Danielle

Wake up next to Clay or with Clay already gone, eat alone and depressed, do whatever, nothing or trying to make Clay love him, and then go to work, generally actually see Clay, have sex with him, repeat

He liked the last two parts, of course, but hated the rest

Meanwhile, Clay felt more like sinking

The fuck had he done, well, no, he remembered it perfectly, every kiss, every word, every movement, every look

He felt like dying, he was happy but the guilt was even bigger, how could he even do this? He was supposed to be a perfect man, to be a good Christian, he never was, of course, but he wouldn’t realize that and this seemed like he was going to go hell already

He had gone to heaven and now he was descending to the hell of his own ashamed mind, he had felt free but now he was the prisoner of his own actions

And a part of him felt even more mortified of the fact his heart started to beat faster, that he had butterflies in his stomach and had to stop the urge to smile

But he could swear he felt the disapproving gaze of God upon him, trapped between he thought was right and what he needed, what he did

And as always, guilt took over him, overthinking again and again, drinking to drown the butterflies that flied like it was their last day on earth as he remembered Danielle’s soft hands on his hips

They were so soft… how were there so soft? Did he have some kind of routine? His hands were so big too… and his smell… he smelled like a forest, a nice forest, he could smell him for hours and hours

Fucker

He wasn’t even a real man now, was he? He was a pansy, one which’s mind is filled with the fantasy of a man, of the love he could give him

Why had the only man he could ever love a man? Why he had to fool himself, his family, his kids, everyone?

Because of god, and because of the pride of being a true rightful man… he couldn’t continue this, he was going to starve himself from a true need if he had to, because the guilt he was feeling was killing him, he had never felt like that, and if he felt like that it was for a reason

He couldn’t just love someone, he didn’t deserve it, and that feeling was the prove of it, he would never be happy and he should never be

Thinking about that, looking at the floor, taking a sip of his drink, about to cry he heard a knock on the door

“not worth it” he mumbled before shaking his head “I mean, come on in” he said in his normal voice

Orel came in, and Clay felt like sighing, but Bloberta was holding his arms so he preferred to save it

“do you remember the Posabules?” Bloberta asked angrily and Orel was looking down, feeling extremely sad and guilty

Clay groaned in annoyance and rolled his eyes “yeah, yeah” He answered

Orel felt like crying, remembering what had happened

He greeted the little girl, smiling, he immediately felt something in his stomach, making him smile, “Oh, Golly” he smiled even more with Christina’s smile, before her father, with a drink in his hand, made her go in

He was excited to tell his father about the new neighbors, thinking nothing could go wrong, feeling this great feeling of happiness when they invited them over

“I’m Art Posabule, this is my wife Poppit, this is our boy Block, and this” Christina placed herself in front of her father, and that feeling of butterflies in his stomach were present again, he felt nervous but at the same time never wanted he to leave

They stared at each other while smiling, not caring for his parents talking or anything around them, he felt mesmerized by Christina for reasons he couldn’t understand

“Hi” Orel greeted Christina

“hi” She answered back, feeling the same as Orel, ever so slightly nervous, but the butterflies in her stomach made her feel good

“I’m Orel” he extended his hand of her to shake

“I’m Christina” she shook his hand, that was sweating slightly “Hi” she repeated

“Hi” Orel shook her hand, looking her into her eyes and something feeling just right, like he wanted to hold her hand for a long time, he bet she smelled good too…

“I-i made you a welcoming present” he showed Christina the little Jesus-themed welcoming gift he made after he saw Christina and knew she was coming over

His chest fluttered when Christina pulled a similar one that she had made for him

It was all perfect, he felt falling for her harder and harder, they were meant for each other, Orel didn’t know much about love aside form parents, but he was sure this was it, far from everything he thought it was, except one thing: it was perfect

They were at the table, and he had just found out Christina meant ‘Little female Christ’… wasn’t she just perfect?

Well, apparently, no

“and forgive our debts” The Posabules said

“and forgive our trespasses” The Puppingtons said, making them all stop and look at each other carefully, or at least the adults did

“as we forgive our…” they said slowly

“debtors” Posabules finished the sentence

“Trespassers” Puppingtons did too

Christina and Orel gave each other one last sad look before their parents dragged them out of the house

He knew it was wrong, but he still ended up there, with Christina in the top of that hill, so close with her, he could hear the voice of his father, telling him ‘to get it right’, but in that moment, Christina’s eyes made him not care, and he prayed hesitantly, but it felt right

For her, for Christina

But then the voice got stronger “Get it right”, it would repeat, over, and over, and over again, but when he was running home, he found Bloberta, standing angry before him, and for the first time, he gulped for his mother

“Well, Orel here was seeing the daughter of that unholy family” Bloberta seemed quite angry, so Clay faked to care too and frowned

“and why is that young boy?” he asked, already taking his belt off, as Bloberta left the room

“but dad! I love her!” Orel refuted, he felt guilty, sure, he remembered what his father had said, but the love he felt was just too strong

“oh, Orel” Clay shook his head and laughed slightly at the innocence of Orel “love doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t matter if you love someone, it’s about who you HAVE to love, not who you want to, because if so, people would be just with whoever they want! And that would be horrible” Clay explained, so matter-of-factly that even though it hurt Orel, he didn’t seem to have any other choice other than believe him… but at the same time, why?

They were both thinking about love, about Clay’s words, because it cut deeply

He couldn’t love Danielle, that would be terribly wrong. He rejected his earthly power to a wife, to a church that told him that if he had to be miserable for the rest of his life, then that was God’s will

That he didn’t deserve nor could love

He would never express enough, think about it enough, how much he hated Bloberta and how much he loved Danielle, even though of how wrong it was, or how he could try to be with million women, and hell he had, but all of them would feel as cold as Bloberta

The thought of Danielle being there, but at the same time not being able to touch him made his heart ache, but that was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? He gave his life away to misery, and he had to stick to it, and so did everyone in this world to be righteous

To be a real Christian man, and while the tears started to for in his eyes he saw Orel, looking down, he seemed sad, what a stupid thing. He didn’t understand that concept yet maybe it was his place to now teach him to be a real man

Though they were in a similar situation, Orel just wouldn’t understand it… he loved Christina, in every single way, wasn’t that what mattered? Why would God made him not love the girl of her dreams?

When he saw her eyes, he felt more at home and at peace than he ever did in his own home, she was what made him feel a type of right he didn’t know he needed to feel, he wanted to hold her hand and be by her side all her life

She was everything that was right to him, but if it wasn’t to God… then what?

He felt like it was unfair, but he saw his dad, he was drinking, Orel was seconds about to cry, and honestly, Clay wanted to cry too, but instead he cleared his throat, finally making up his mind, smiling slightly, while he chugged down more alcohol, as he patted his lap, Orel gulped, knowing damn well what was gonna happen next

After he stood up, and pulled his pants up, he waited for his father to continue lecture him

“you can go now” he said

“really?” Orel somehow felt disappointed, the times his father spanked him and lectured him were the times where he felt like his father actually cared for him, so I some way, he cherished them, so it made him feel somehow sadder

“how would you like to go to a father and son outing together?” he asked, smiling like an idiot from the alcohol, and Orel couldn’t avoid getting excited by this, his father actually showed interest in doing something with him

“Father and son?! And how!” he felt happy now, he was doing something! With his father! And outing! Just them two! How could that not be simply a dream? The best dream ever, for that matter

“Good! It’s about time I taught you how to hunt” Clay said while shooting a fake gun, which Orel wasn’t really sure where he got from

“Hunt?” But… that was killing animals, wasn’t it? Why would he do that? But Clay looked even excited about it

“yup! Men has been able to artificially replicate many things that God originally invented!” Clay smiled while explaining “but there’s one thing we’ll never be quite able to copy… even with our scientific bullshit and advanced laboratory rats” Orel listened intently, every word coming out of his father’s mouth, he was already over boarding with excitement

“what, pops?” he asked smiling

Clay smiled “playing God” if this didn’t help him feel like a man and forget Danielle, nothing would, there’s no such thing as killing animals to truly be a man “God’s greatest archievement” he already felt slightly better at the though and drunk too, he would also be demonstrating to his father that he was, in fact, worthy of going to a father and son hunting trip “yes, Orel, I think it’s time for you to experience the wonder and majesty of shooting a gun”

Because of course, the way to stop heartaches is to make an animal’s heart completely stop for mere entertainment

And even if it felt wrong

Well, guilt was for Catholics

And his father would never do anything wrong, never harm him

Chapter Text

They came back from the trip, Orel with a newfound emotion.

Hate.

Hate for the person he loved and admired the most, who now he could only see as disgusting.

The innocent kid who looked at his dad like he was his hero, because he truly was, had died along the bear he had to shot because of his father’s negligence.

He laid in the floor with an open wound for hours, and his father expected for a cast to fix everything.

A side of him, of course, wanted to believe it was a nightmare, but the truth fell on him like a cold bucket of ice.

His father was a bad man.

When he drank, at least.

He had faith within himself, that maybe his father, behind all the alcohol, was a good person.

But every time he looked back, at the lectures his father gave him, that at the time for him was just a display of affection, but now he only saw how wrong his father was.

How wrong he is.

Despite that little flame, fighting for its life within him, he couldn’t help but look at his father with disgust.

Some questions go unanswered, while others, you never understand the answer.

“No, why did YOU marry… dad?” those were one of those questions

“Oh well… why not?” because that answer wasn’t enough

“Because when he drinks… he changes” his voice was a whisper, he needed to know how she could stand it all these years, how could she know how messed up Clay was and stay by his side.

“Oh, Orel, he doesn’t change, that’s just his true nature coming out” his heart shattered, he was waiting for a reply filled with love, for her to say she loved him and knew the real him, that she knew far beyond the alcohol persona he had.

But her heart shattered too, because she was faced with the harsh reality: she married for convenience and was paying her price, she didn’t look twice because she felt useful and was desperate.

She refused to check the monster she was marrying because after all, it was marriage.

Bloberta had helped shape Clay into what he was today, she was to blame for the life she provided her children, the man she chose for her life in the desperation.

She didn’t mean for everything to end the way It did, but now she had doomed herself to an unhappy marriage for the rest of her life.

And even now, when she was accomplishing her duties as a wife, deep down, she could never feel useful enough.

She closed the door behind her and cried, her heat heavy from seeing her horrible decisions reflected on her child.

On her life.

Quickly, she noticed Clay, who stood there with a glass of whisky, looking at her with disdain despite his mixed feelings, as she saw his presence she collected herself, and also looked at him with the same disdain she did every day.

Clay felt… Proud.

And weird, disappointed, sad, miserable, etc.

That’s whom he was at the end of the day, a proud, miserable man.

Deep down beneath all the alcohol, he wished to lay down and never wake up, seeing his failure as a father who shot his son.

He could’ve killed him; the same way he killed his mother.

He wanted to believe he was better than that, but he proved time and time again he was still that spoiled child, and despite his best wishes, he proved his father right.

He constantly did, but he would never be sober enough to admit that.

But he knew, and he knew it damn well, which only filled him up with a kind of hatred and rage for himself he could never explain.

He decided he wanted to not see Orel at all, as it reminded him of his wrongs and all the hurtful words that ha truth to them.

He went to sleep, telling himself the very next day he would go see the only person, the only man, that could make him feel sort of okay.

He dreamt of him, of his understanding and him telling him it was okay, it wasn’t his fault after all, that it was a mistake and his father was an asshole and he would never, ever, be right about him.

He was in his arms, feeling his ever so soft touch and light kisses that made him feel appreciated and loved.

Every worry he had melted unto the man, who looked at him like he was the only on the world and the only he could ever love.

Because to Danielle, he was.

Danielle missed him like hell, he felt a void in his soul, that was only faintly filled when Clay was around.

It was a fake feeling he liked, because like a drug, even if it only lasted 10 minutes, he preferred that than just not feeling anything.

But at the same time, oh, how wrong Clay was.

Clay went to Danielle’s house that night, enjoying of losing himself and handling the control to a man, who deep down, could barely handle himself.

They both were on the verge of breaking down, they were like two trains, wrecked by live who still, like a sick joke, crashed on each other.

They fitted perfectly, but they were broken, they crashed because life is vile, life is a joke so it handed Danielle the man he wished, the man that kept him awake, so Clay could shamelessly sink his teeth onto the man and try to find the life he was missing.

Clay was hungry for love, it’s a tale he knew way too well, he took what he could and he thought he deserved, always making the wrong decisions.

But they weren’t accidents, he knew what he was doing.

And Danielle did too, being open to take the man who he knew didn’t love him, but fed off him like a parasite, and even if it was the case, he would let him.

Because he was blinded for a specific version of this man.

So he was willing to keep serving the alcohol straight from his own veins, to refill the glass as much as Clay wanted, and for now, not putting a stop to it

“We can’t be doing this so often” Danielle said in his gruff voice, smirking to the drunken man

“but everything’s so messed up” Clay groaned, his eyes barely open

“I know baby, but I have a job, remember? You can’t keep pulling me out of the bar like that, I’ll get fired or sum” He explained despite knowing damn well he would cut his shift short as much as Clay asked him.

“you don’t need that stupid job”

“You’re my special client anyway” he kissed Clay’s forehead before standing up and going to sleep.

Clay spent the night there, and both slept better than usual.

Maybe it was tiring to Danielle, and maybe he wasn’t always sure of the relationship, but he could never trade this.

He knew what he was doing.

He aimed to break the Puppington family and he couldn’t deny it.

He wanted Clay for himself.

Clay woke up to the smell of breakfast and a cure for hangover.

Orel woke up to absolutely no one, his father nowhere to be found.

He tried to believe Clay would call or say anything, tell him he was sorry and acknowledge his faults, despite knowing that was never going to happen.

Still, he tried to go on about his day, being swarmed by questions on what happened to him, on why he had a cast on, the question always being met with a deafening silence

He just didn’t want to acknowledge fact that his father… was an asshole.

He knew it, but he didn’t want to say it out loud.

Of course, word got out quick, the mayor’s son was suddenly with a cast, coincidentally after their hunting trip and the happy, innocent kid that went to said trip was just nowhere to be found.

He was now as depressed as anyone from Moralton.

But Clay also got there fast, claiming it was a bear who shot him, and him, heroically, shot the bear dead, meanwhile Orel said he shot himself because he was still at disbelief his father shot him.

He knew it was the truth and he hated his father for it, but the words, despite his feelings, didn’t sound right to him.

Some believed the excuse, many didn’t, which only fed to the nuisance Clay felt towards his son, because elections were near, and many believed Clay was a bad person.

Generally, he wouldn’t even be preoccupied, because no one ever dared to go against him, well, actually, no one in Moralton gave enough of a shit to try and go against him.

But now, he had denied Mrs. Censordoll far too many things, and she had threatened repeatedly his position, not directly, but he knew that’s what she had meant.

He could try to mend the things with his son, but he just didn’t want to see the kid, the leg just being proof of everything that was wrong to his life and everything he wasn’t going to admit.

“where were you?” Bloberta asked, as Clay passed past her

“Don’t you get tired of this, woman?” He groaned “it’s always the same thing” he looked at her, complaining like he hasn’t lost track of the times he came home late after the camping trip, and it had barely been a few months.

“Well, maybe if you actually were at home we wouldn’t have to do this thing over and over again!” She placed her hands on her waist “you have-“

“Responsibilities, yeah, yeah” he interrupted her, already knowing this speech by memory “this is getting old”

“And what do you think I feel like?” she wanted to keep arguing, before Clay went upstairs, completely ignoring her

His mind was way too busy thinking about the upcoming elections, feeling like he was about to lose his seat as the town’s mayor to care about having the same conversation he always had with Bloberta.

He knew very, very well Mrs. Censordoll was plotting against him, so when he announced that she was running against him, it was absolutely no surprise.

“Dam town!” he threw away another paper “damn Censordoll!” he threw another “oohhh, look at me, I like eggs I don’t want eggs to be banned, I’m an old hag!” he said in a high-pitched tone to imitate Mrs. Censordoll, the show being, honestly, humiliating to him

“Mr. Mayor?” His assistant walked inside his office

“WHAT?!”

“your paperweights” she handed them to him “Mrs. Censordoll is starting her campaign today… she seems to have gotten a grasp of Orel”

“…She what now?” he bit his lip, repressing all the things that wanted to come out of his mouth.

“He’s been helping her for the elections” she flinched, already ready for Clay to take it out on her and start yelling many horrible things, by this time, she was used to it.

Maybe it was spite, maybe it was pettiness, Orel couldn’t figure why he was helping who is going against his father, but he didn’t feel one once of remorse, not at all.

He didn’t feel as depressed after the Sunday sermon (Revered Putty always knew what to say), but still, he held a huge grudge against his dad.

He was… fine generally and interacting other people, but when he saw his dad, he couldn’t help but feel a deep annoyance, now seeing his dad as pathetic as he truly was.

Clay of course didn’t want anything to do with Orel either, every

So now, he was, once again, helping an old pal: Mrs. Censordoll, just that this time they weren’t trying to ban gruesome things, they were trying to ban a gruesome man from being mayor again.

“Orel! What are you doing?!” his father yelled from his car, watching Orel with a huge sign that said ‘VOTE MRS. CENSORDOLL!’

“I’m campaigning, dad” he said in a monotone voice, barely even looking at him

“Then you should meet me… at my study” This time, Orel had no reaction, Clay had already enforced bigger pain in him than just some spanks.

He had betrayed him, resented him, and shot him.

“In my study….” Clay waited for Orel to scaredy gulp, so he can know he had some form of control over his own kid in a way he could never have control, over himself.

“In my study” he repeated a third time, which only made Orel feel embarrassed for his father “c’mon, do it for me kid” out of mere pity, Orel gulped before going into the car

“I have things to do, dad, so can we make this quick?” he condescended, his stare blank

“oh, Mr. Busy now!” he joked, trying to get the kid on his side “I’m sorry your agenda was filled with helping a mad woman go against me!”

“You don’t like your job” he deadpanned, not interested in engaging in conversation with him, he had avoided Orel for 6 months, so he could get the favor back.

“LIKE?” he scoffed “do these dead animals eat my words before they get to your ears?” that sentence made him want to get out of his father’s sight faster, as he shamelessly talked about one of the many things that made Orel know his father was disgusting.

“can I go now?”

“you know that think you like to do with your mouth? ” his tone was way more desperate, every chance of not scolding his kid being thrown through the window the moment he didn’t immediately agree, the moment he just wasn’t the same kid that listened to every single command he gave. “Eating? Well, say goodbye to that if I lose this election!”

For Orel, this fueled his need to just go against him even more, wishing his father would be obliged to just… take a loss, for his pride to be hurt.

“Then campaign” he looked away, he knew this could take a toll on their living, but at the same time, his own hatred couldn’t make him care.

Now it was debating day, and Orel knew his dad was going to mess up so bad, sure, he had been mayor for years now, but he never even had to debate with anyone, he doubted he even knew the state of moralton.

“So… uhm, what is your stand….” Putty said uninterested, almost falling asleep before it even started “…on the recent probation of eggs?” the crowd gasped like Putty just said a slur by bringing up a law that had affected and disgusted all people in Moralton.

Clay started to sweat, he expected this, he knew this question was going to be asked, and the further and further he dove into the speech, he felt mixed feelings: nostalgia, stress, missing the embrace of his mother…

And without even thinking about it, already zoned out a “…mommy?” slipped his lips, remembering back when he felt like he was his mother’s one and only

He reincorporated, but unknowingly, he had sparked something inside of Censordoll, something that turned down every single thought of getting Clay out of his seat as a mayor

“I have no rebuttal” Mrs. Censordoll said without shame “I hereby let the place of mayor, to my worthy opponent” the crowd once again gasped and Clay’s body shot up with anxiety, because that mad woman would’ve never just give him the seat.

Orel, on the other hand, as shocked as he felt he was also disappointed, as all his hard work was seemingly going to waste.

“What? But Mrs. Censordol, what about the plans of-“ Orel couldn’t finish his sentence before she cut him off, seemingly in a rush to leave.

“no woman has any business running in a position of power, Orel! I have books to burn” As Mrs. Censordoll ran away, Clay grabbed Orel in a rush, scared as he could be.

“I’m sorry Orel! I was a bad father! Sorry about shooting you ignoring you blah, blah, blah” he sounded desperate, but Orel wasn’t innocent enough to believe what his father was saying, not anymore. “just tell me what that witch woman is up to!” and there it was, the reason he even turned to speak to him.

“some people don’t speak their mind, dad” Orel said, reminding Clay of his previous advice.

“That’s my line, kid!” He couldn’t even get angry, he was just scared, he knew Mrs. Censordoll could be mean and could absolutely bring him down.

“then I guess it’s true”

“of course it’s true!” he exclaimed, just showing he never doubted his beliefs or what he said to his son.

Orel kept denying the truth, he just wasn’t going to give his dad the pleasure of manipulate him once more.

“I’m glad I shot you”

That was the last words Orel received before his father left to God knows where, and those were the words that Orel was going to have imprinted in his mind for the rest of his life.

He went to school like normal, the phrase still sounding in his head over and over and over again, like a broken alarm clock whose alarm went off every 4 minutes.

“I’m sorry coach” Orel apologized looking down, the spark in his eyes almost fully gone.

“Why?” Danielle asked, as he had not even said anything to the kid.

“for not being able to participate, the doctor says it’ll be a couple months more”

“Oh, that, yeah, it’s okay Orel, just watch out for bears” he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Bears?” he looked up, not understanding the joke at all, ignorant to the lie his father had been spreading around.

“you know, because a bear shot you” He almost wanted the kid to laugh and said it was true, not because he wanted the kid happy, but because he wanted some confirmation that Clay hadn’t shot Orel.

Danielle excused many things from Clay, but while Clay was in the camping trip, Danielle though about many things, one being how much of an asshole Clay truly was.

Not that he cared or was going to break up with him, as every time he saw the man, a thrill ran though all his body.

And at the end of the day, he was no saint either.

But every time Clay did something bad or something horrible, when he showed his true nature of selfishness, he also felt something in his chest, yelling at him that this was disgusting and wrong.

The thrill always surpassed the guilt, but he knew how innocent Orel was, it was almost annoying.

But the sight made anyone want to cry out of pity, one of the only people with hope in Moralton, also destroyed by life.

Destroyed by Clay.

By the man he craved to hold in every passing second, and the one he knew like the back of his hand.

The man that shot his own son.

“oh, so that’s what he has been telling people” he murmured, not even trying to hide the fact that it was Clay who shot him anymore.

He felt fucked up.

Because the man he loved was a fucking asshole, sure, he could’ve played dumb, ignoring the faults of someone so cruel.

But it itched from the inside.

He felt all the guilt that Clay didn’t even think of having, that never even crossed his mind.

He wasn’t sure why.

Maybe it was the times he saw him being a bit too flirty with other people, or all the times he was so petty it was embarrassing even for him.

He could ignore it, but he wasn’t dumb.

He wasn’t blind either, sure, he was blinded by his love but those were glasses stained with dependency, something he was too aware he had.

He was aware of himself, and all the events of his life fell on him like a bucket of cold ice, making him look at the reality of everything.

He felt disgusted, but there was one last thing that made him feel even worse.

He was serving the drinks and flirting with Clay like he had done far too many times, until Mrs. Censordoll called him.

The bare sight of anyone kissing that old hag would be enough to make him throw up, but the man he was devoted to? The man he craved every second of his life? That was enough for him to be sick for months.

He had to face the reality because it was right in front of him, he walked out of the bar, Clay not even noticing it, as he threw up on the closest trash can.

This was enough.

He had been pining for this man for years, and when he finally had what he wanted, like far too many things, he realized that what he held in his hand was pure trash.

His heart was broken and he didn’t know what else to do, he would have to go back to being lonely but this, this time, he wouldn’t be able to stand it, he just didn’t want to be alone.

Then he saw a dude he had seen a few times while playing Golf.

“Hey, got anything to do later?” he said, the words coming out of his mouth without a thought behind them, just pettiness and a wish to prove Clay that it could be a game of two.

To prove he could also run off with someone else if he wished, and that he wasn’t going to accept all his faults.

Because Clay always though Danielle would just sit there and take it, but sadly for him, his lover finally had enough.