Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hyung it’s Friday night, you’re not gonna sit in your apartment alone again .” Felix’s voice crackles through the receiver of Changbin’s phone. He means well, wanting to make sure he doesn’t get too tied in knots thinking about his ex.

“There isn’t really anything out there for me, Yongbokkie, besides it’s pouring rain. My hair looks terrible with the humidity..” Yes, blaming frizzy hair on why he doesn’t want to go out works. Bad hair days are the best way to get out of going to a club that Changbin doesn’t recognize or want to be in.

“Okay, fine. Then I’ll just come to you. Open your door.”

“Why are you already at my door.” Changbin continues to speak into his phone even as he opens the door, looking at Felix with a flat look on his face. Felix isn’t dressed for going clubbing, his usual Friday-night-whore attire traded in for a comfy buttercup yellow sweater he clearly knitted himself and a pair of fleece pajama pants. He’s holding an umbrella in one hand and a bag with what looks like wine and instant ramen in the other.

“Because my best friend has just gone through a really shitty breakup and needs comfort food.” The breakup wasn’t that bad. Getting out of his ex’s place, however, sucked . “Now, are you gonna make me stand here and freeze all night or are you gonna let me in so we can drink and watch anime?” Changbin steps aside wordlessly to let his friend in, shivering at the gust of cold air that comes with him.

“I dunno how much I wanna watch anime right now, Bokkie.” Changbin’s voice is heavy and he pouts as he closes and locks the door behind them.

“That’s fine, and if you don’t want to drink drink I have nonalcoholic options too.” There’s a clinking of glass as Felix produces a bottle of cheap Pinot Grigio and two additional bottles of pastel pink Guava Jarritos from the black plastic bag. “And I brought ramen and some sweets because I haven’t had dinner yet and wanted to cuddle while we eat?” Felix stops and chews his lip as he asks, knowing it has been something they couldn’t do for a long time. “If… if that’s okay…”

“Of course, Bokkie.” Changbin can never say no to Felix. No matter how much he wants to curl up and go to bed he knows that if he indulges Felix he’ll feel better for it in the end. “I’d love to cuddle you all night.”

“Good because I don’t think I’ll be able to leave you until morning, the rain is kinda nasty.” Felix coos as he sheds his coat and shakes out his ears and hair, his tail wagging and sending water flicking around the room. “Can I shower?”

“Sure, you wanna borrow some pajamas too?” He has a drawer of pajamas that he doesn’t use very often specifically for when Felix comes over to stay the night, most of which he hasn’t looked at since he was in college.

“Do you still have that green hoodie?” Felix is already stripping out of his layers as he walks through the apartment toward the bathroom in Changbin’s apartment.

The space isn’t large by any means but it’s enough for Changbin. A single bedroom with the en suite bathroom. A cozy living room with enough room for his TV stand and his couch and desk, he’s grateful the carpet is brand new so he can walk around as barefoot as he wants without worrying about what could be lurking in the fibers.

“Still with the rest of the hoodies on the door, Bokkie.” Changbin laughs as he gets a pot out to make the ramen with, knowing Felix will at least trust him with that (they don’t talk about the one time Changbin tried to cook for the house when they were still living together and ended up with the kitchen on fire). He listens as Felix showers, hearing the water run and the blond singing along to whatever pop song has been occupying his mind lately. It feels like the world is healing. Like his breakup really wasn’t that bad.

The thought of his ex makes his chest ache and his stomach drop. He’s not sure where he fucked it up but he knows it was his fault. Maybe he was too clingy? Or maybe he didn’t put enough back into the relationship? He thought he’d been enough, at least his ex made it seem that way. Right up until he told Changbin they weren’t working. That he needed space. It would be good for both of them.

The timer for the ramen goes off and Changbin shakes his head, sniffling when he feels something on the tip of his nose. He brings his hand up to wipe it away and only then realizes the reason his eyes have gone blurry is because he’s crying. He’s spent too much time crying. He’s sick of it. The worst part was when his boss pointed out how puffy his eyes were today and sent him home early.

“You need rest. We can handle this.”

He doesn’t think he looked that bad.

“You okay?” Felix asks as he comes back into the kitchen, pressing himself against Changbin’s side gently. “Here, let's drink some wine and forget about him.” Felix kisses his cheek, turning to grab the wine and unscrewing the cap unceremoniously. Changbin doesn’t have any wine glasses yet so Felix takes a swig straight from the bottle before holding it out for Changbin to take.

“I’ll be okay.” His voice is wet and he sniffles at the end of his sentence. There’s a long pause as he looks at the bottle and then at Felix. “I just… I dunno what I did…” His voice tightens in his throat as he takes the bottle and downs two big mouthfuls.

“You didn’t do anything, Bin.” Felix’s voice is so tender as he slowly moves Changbin away from the stove toward the living room. “Now, you sit down, I’ll finish making the ramen and then we can curl up on your couch and watch something silly like Bluey or something.”

Changbin lets himself be shoved with gentle hands out of the kitchen, around the pillar and over the arm of his sofa. It’s a small miracle he doesn’t spill the wine as he lands on his ass, sighing quietly as he lets himself lay back slowly before setting the wine on the cheap, glass-top coffee table. He lets himself rot there for as long as it takes Felix to finish the noodles, body feeling heavy as he closes his eyes and lets himself sink into the cushions.

“Y’know, I’m not sure how much you wanna meet new people.” Felix starts as he sets the tray with two bowls of ramen on the table in front of the couch.

“Felix.” Changbin warns as he sits up, pouting softly as his body sags.

“I know! I know, but he’s another bull, and you were complaining how you don’t have enough cow friends!”

“Felix.” He groans, making himself sit up as the collie joins him on the sofa. “Let me recover from this breakup and then try to get me laid.”

“I never said I would get you laid! I just wanna find you a new friend, you deserve more friends!” Felix’s arms find their way behind his neck and he gives Changbin a squeeze, it’s warm and inviting and Changbin doesn’t want to let him go.

Part of Changbin wonders why he needs more friends. Then he remembers that meeting people as an adult is hard. Whether it’s romantic or platonic it’s stressful to put oneself out into the world and trust other people to be gentle with your heart. Changbin knows this and he’s tired of the challenge.

“And you’re always saying how you want more prey friends and more cow friends. At least just– Just come get coffee with us, it’ll be low-key, I promise.” He pouts as he moves to turn the TV on for them. “Or don’t get coffee, it’s up to you. But I’m gonna be meeting him tomorrow and you’re more than welcome to join us.”

“Felix that sounds like a date.” Changbin sits up and turns to grab the bottle of wine from the table for another drink. “Are you inviting me to join you for a date you’re having with another man?”

“What? No, it’s not a date, hyung, I promise. Just two new friends meeting for coffee.” Felix waves his chopsticks dismissively as the Bluey intro, all cheery and bright, starts playing through his TV’s speakers. “Besides, even if it was, it wouldn’t be the first time either of us got to play chaperone.”

“But I don’t wanna interrupt if it actually is a date. Does he know you’re inviting me?” His voice is soft as he moves to set the bottle back on the glass top.

“Yes, he knows. Don’t worry you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes, Bin.” Felix is gentle as he strokes his hand over Changbin’s back tenderly. Changbin wants to believe him but something about this feels wrong.

But then again, meeting people as an adult is hard.

“Fine. But if it’s weird I’m leaving.” He warns before Felix leans over to kiss his cheek gently.

“I promise it won’t be weird, hyung.” And that’s the last they speak on it, letting silence fall comfortably between them for a while as they eat and drink, ending up cuddling with each other on the couch before Felix starts to fall asleep, asking quietly to be carried to bed.

When Changbin wakes up in the morning he’s alone. The bed is cold, Felix has been gone for a while and Changbin feels lonely. He can still smell him on the blankets as he twists himself up in them. He doesn’t want to go to the coffee shop. He wants to text Felix that he isn’t feeling well and wants to stay home but knows the collie will see through every word of it. So instead he sucks in a deep breath and forces himself out of bed, shuffling tiredly to the kitchen in nothing but his pajama pants.

The leftovers from the night before are cleared away from the living room, Felix must have done some cleaning before he left and as Changbin rounds into the kitchen he sees some breakfast has been made for him with a note and a bad doodle of a pair of little dog ears are on the whiteboard on his fridge next to his grocery list. It’s stupid but it makes him smile to know he still has someone who will do those silly little things to make him happy. He fires off a quick thank you text as he gets a glass of water and takes himself out onto his balcony for a cigarette.

Maybe making a new friend through Felix won’t be so bad. Maybe they could be more than a friend. Changbin doesn’t want to get his hopes up as he stands out on the balcony and stares out into the cold grey mist. He doesn’t remember fog being in the forecast but for some reason it feels like it belongs. Fog in his thoughts and fog in the streets, obscuring them from his view all the way up in his balcony, hiding what is yet to come for him. It’s scary, looking out over the edge of his safe little bubble of visibility down into the unknown.

Sometimes, taking a leap into the unknown is necessary.

Not here, though, all that’s necessary here is a cigarette to get his mind clear and water to wash away the taste of last night’s wine.

His phone pings in his pocket and when he checks the message from Felix all it is is a time and the address of the coffee shop he’s meeting them at. He smiles and takes a long drag of his cigarette blowing the smoke away slowly.

He takes his time getting ready, not needing to meet them for another couple of hours yet. He takes a bubble bath and soaks his tired body in it for a while before showering away the remaining suds under the warm water.

‘It’ll be fine when you go to see them .’ He tells himself as he goes through his skincare routine, taking extra time to do a little sheet mask before his eye serum and moisturizer. It will be fine, as scary as it is, it will be fine. He’ll feel good about himself and he’ll even dress nice, he’ll even wear the sweater Felix knitted him over the summer and look nice and approachable. He debates for a second changing his septum ring from his usual thick, silver bullring to something a little more disarming but that wouldn’t quite feel right.

He blots a little bit of makeup on, color-correcting his dark circles and light spots on his face with some concealer and swiping a little bit of pale pink lip gloss on before he steps out the door, dressed in the soft, fluffy yellow sweater and a pair of distressed light-washed jeans. He feels better about himself as he trots to his car, his ears sitting higher than usual and his tail swishing playfully behind him.

The good mood lasts until he’s in the parking lot of the coffee shop and his anxiety is starting to crawl back up his throat like a hungry caterpillar, looking for something to eat behind his teeth.

‘It’ll be fine .’ Changbin tells himself as he clenches his teeth tightly closed, hoping to keep the caterpillar at bay. His hands haven’t let go of the steering wheel since he killed his engine and he keeps his eyes locked on his knuckles as they steadily turn white with how tightly he’s gripping the wheel. ‘ It’ll be fine.’

He takes a few deep breaths, sighing each out slowly through his lips before he works up enough courage to open his door and step out into the brisk late morning air. Fall weather is tickling at his ears and he wishes there was still at least a little bit of summer left in the year before things quiet back down and turn somber with the cold. He’s not looking forward to the snow, it seems to get worse and worse with every passing year, and being stuck in a city like Seoul doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. He wishes he could get out to the countryside again before it gets too much colder. Maybe in November before the first snow he can carve out some time to get to a cabin for a weekend.

He stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he makes his way from the barren parking lot to the cafe’s door, pulling it open and feeling a rush of warm air on his cheeks. It’s cozy inside, in temperature and atmosphere, all warm hues of brown and golden yellows wrapping themselves around each patron, all of whom are accompanied at small tables by steaming mugs or glasses with condensation dripping from the sides to make water rings on the varnish. It smells like coffee and pastries, flaky croissants and sweet breads filling the air and dancing with the soft music that’s playing. It’s welcoming and brings a soft smile to Changbin’s face.

He scans over the different patrons, looking for the familiar reddish-blond ears that twitch and swivel with everything Felix says and emotes. After a moment he spies them in a back corner, swiveling away from his seat on a worn leather sofa where he sits opposite someone with tall, angular horns sticking out from a black beanie. He waits for a moment before he raises his hand to catch Felix’s attention, smiling as he begins walking toward the pair.

“Oh, hyung!” Felix calls out softly as Changbin gets closer, turning to his companion to say something in English before standing. That’s when the stranger turns and Changbin finally makes eye contact with him.

It’s Chan. He looks the same, a little bit older, more tired with bags under his eyes. His hair is longer than it was in college, flopping over his forehead and he’s let it be the natural red color it usually is.

“Oh… Bin.” Chan’s voice is one of disbelief, something that matches how Changbin feels. Changbin’s smile fades and he lets out a heavy sigh.

“Chris.” He responds once he’s close enough, heaving a sigh before shaking his head. “Y-y’know I just remembered I gotta go home and do some work, deadlines and all that.” He takes half a step back even as Felix begins to approach him with a confused look on his face.

“Wait– you know each other?” Felix glances between the pair, doing his best to try to put together exactly what’s going on in front of him.

“I-it’s a long story, Felix.” Chan is the first one to speak and Changbin just scoffs at that, shaking his head with an incredulous grin.

“It’s really not, Christopher.” He laughs before heaving a big sigh. “You remember that ex-whatever-the-fuck I told you about from college, Felix? You’re having coffee with him. Enjoy your drink, Chris. I have work I need to do.”

He turns away from them and takes his keys out of his pocket, trying to fight the feeling of… betrayal? No that’s not quite right. Whatever it is it tastes bitter and sticks to his tongue like molasses and makes tears prickle at his eyes. This isn’t what he needs on top of dealing with his break up and the shit going on in his life. He doesn’t need every memory of their relationship being dragged back up to the forefront of his mind.

He doesn’t need to think about the fights or how stupid he was about it all. They were just friends with benefits, nothing more, nothing less. He shouldn’t have let himself think he could’ve had anything more than what they were. He had been used, taken advantage of. It was as simple as that. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It burns like nothing else.

It’s fine .

He’ll repeat it to himself over and over again as long as he can. Until he actually starts believing it. He can live his life with Chan creeping into it, hanging onto the edges. Though who knows how long he’ll stay at the edges.

He needs a cigarette.

Chapter Text

Changbin knows he shouldn’t have just bolted out of the coffee shop like he did but, honestly, seeing Chan sitting across from Felix had made all kinds of bad memories flood back. Memories of things he doesn’t really want to remember. Tear-swollen eyes, hoarse voices, the bitter taste of jealousy on the back of his tongue like moths creeping up his throat. A broken heart that still stings when he thinks too long about everything

But he has an easy way to block that out. A quick, cardio-heavy session at the gym is enough to get his brain back into shape and get him not thinking about when he and Chan were whatever it was they had been in college. So, when he gets home from the cafe, he changes out of the sweater and dons his usual black workout clothes, throwing a mask on to cover his face in case any colleagues happen to be there too. He doesn’t need a conversation right now.

The gym is busy, people on their lunches trying to squeeze in a workout or a class before they have to go back to the grind. Changbin blends in easily as he scans his card and finds a free spot to start warming up and stretching. Normally he’d skip this, but today the sound of Felix’s voice scolding him echoes in the back of his mind.

“You’re gonna tear something if you don’t stretch.”

Slow and methodical is what he needs right now anyway. So in his little corner, he stays, his shaker full of pre-workout poking out of his gym bag where it sits against the wall as he rolls through some fairly basic stretches, feeling the burn turning into easy stretch and comfort through his body with every position. He raises his head as he’s coming up from a seated forward fold and locks eyes with a figure across the gym being shown the floor by a member of staff.

No fucking way.

Chan. It’s Chan. Because of course, it is. The one person he’d come here to avoid is standing at the entrance to his gym, staring at him like he’s the weird one here. He looks just as surprised as Changbin feels. And better than he should in his loose-fitting shirt and joggers.

Don’t think that.

Changbin blinks a couple of times before taking a deep breath, grabbing his bag, and exiting the gym once the other bull no longer stands at the entrance. He does his best not to blow a loud breath through his nose as he feels warmth radiating up his body. He shouldn’t be getting angry about this. It’s such a stupid thing to get mad about. They can go to the same gym, it’s fine .

It’s really not fine. My one place of quiet is probably going to be permanently ruined.

He holds in the frustrated growl building in his throat until he’s in the parking garage, wrapped safely in the solitude the cold concrete provides. It crawls past his lips as he leans on his car door, staring through the window at the empty driver’s seat for a long moment. He contemplates, only for a second, smashing his horns into the glass before deciding against it. Instead, he clicks his key fob to unlock the door with a beep and tosses his gym bag into the back seat before dropping heavily behind the wheel.

For the second time that day, Changbin presses his forehead into the steering wheel, taking a few more deep breaths before turning his key, feeling the engine rumble to life beneath his feet and through the steering wheel. Straight-piping his exhaust was a mistake, He shouldn’t have let Jisung talk him into doing it. He knows he won’t be angry for long, but the sound of car horns in a parking garage isn’t pleasant.

The drive home is normal, quiet even, as he follows the familiar route almost on autopilot to his apartment building. He feels his head spinning as he rides the elevator to his floor, trying to parse together how exactly it could be happening that the man who broke his heart so many years ago could be seemingly worming his way back into his life. The bell brings him out of his thoughts and he steps through the door. Maybe tomorrow he can just go to work and forget about Chan. Maybe Chan won’t be back at his gym tomorrow.

He steps into his apartment and heaves a sigh, dropping his bag by the door as he toes out of his gym shoes and goes to the kitchen. Even though he didn’t actually workout it would be wrong if he didn’t make a protein shake. Just something to try to maintain some level of normalcy for how weird his day is. 

He sets his phone on the counter while he shakes up the powder and water, absently staring at the cabinets as his mind wanders back to some of the music he’d been working on the night before. Personal projects that likely aren’t going to see more than his home recording studio. It can’t even be called that, really. It’s just his laptop set up with a soundboard, keyboard and a small mic stand with a sound-proof shield around it.

Maybe I can get the topline recorded today .

He thinks back on an old track he’d started months ago that’s been gathering dust in his files. It never felt good enough to actually record any kind of vocals for it. A stupid love song he’d originally been writing for his ex that he’s spun into something different for the sake of his own heart.

He pops the cap of his shaker bottle just as a notification pings on his phone, drawing his attention down to the countertop. It’s a message from the head of the production team at his company.

[bosscat]
Heads up Changbin we have a new producer coming in tomorrow, he’s jumping on to help you head the GG album.

Changbin scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion as he takes a drink of his shake, picking his phone up to shoot back a reply.

[me]
I didn’t think I needed help with that one.
It’s almost done? Why are we bringing someone new on at the end?

He really doesn’t think he needs any kind of help heading a girl group album . He has a formula for them that sells. He doesn’t need another producer to come in and fuck up all of his hard work. Sure this one is a little more experimental, but it’s not too different from what he usually does.

[bosscat]
It’s just to put some finishing touches on, he’s new to the team so we figure have him tail you for the end so he gets comfortable with the way things work here

[me]
Still dunno why you can’t have him shadow a different project. There’s nothing left on this one but recording and polishing.

[bosscat]
Just go with it, dude, he’s a good director and knows what he’s doing.

Changbin groans as he shoots back an “O-K” emoji. He really is so close to being done with this album that he doesn’t think he needs anyone else’s opinions or flavors on it. Unless this guy is a genius or something he doesn’t think it’ll be worth it to bring him on.

He huffs through his nose, feeling his sinuses shake with the force of it before he shakes his head to clear the bubbling anger. He chugs the rest of his shake as he walks to the shower, depositing the empty shaker bottle on the sink as he starts the water and strips out of his clothes. It’s fine. He can work with someone new, it’s not a big deal. It’s just dumb to have them come on at the end when the whole album is pretty much finished.

He showers quickly, letting his brain turn off a bit when the hot water runs over his skin. He can feel every muscle in his body begin to relax as he soaks in the water, taking his time running his loofah over his skin and making sure his white spots on his arms and legs aren’t pinker than usual. He’s been less than perfect with his sunscreen regimen lately and doesn’t want to show up to work with puffy eyes and a sunburn. Luckily he doesn’t seem to be any pinker than he usually is during a hot shower so he just lets himself relax under the hot water.

By the time he’s done, he feels like he’s able to breathe again and his body feels much looser than when he left the gym. He’s relaxed enough to finally actually sit down and start working on his personal projects. He doesn’t even bother fully getting dressed, just throwing on a pair of sweats to sit at his desk and click away at the tracks.

He doesn’t notice he’s falling asleep at his desk until his phone goes off, waking him up from his state of somewhere between sleeping and waking. It’s a phone call vibrating away on his desk.

“Hm? Hello?” He answers tiredly without even looking at the contact.

“Changbin-ssi, where are you?”

“At home?” He asks tiredly before he registers that it’s Yoongi who’s talking to him. “Oh fuck–”

Yoongi just laughs on the other end of the line as Changbin pushes himself up out of his chair and panic runs to his bedroom.

“You’re good, Changbin-ssi. The new guy isn’t coming until well after noon but we do need you here soon to get the girls started.” Yoongi laughs again as Changbin puts him on speakerphone so he can get dressed in real clothes.

“Jesus, I’m so sorry. I’ll be there in like fifteen minutes.” He pants as he throws a jacket on. He knows it’s not a big deal, he’s a lead on this project so nothing really moves in any direction without him being there. “Can you start with them until I get there?”

“ Sure, don’t worry about it. Grab me some caffeine on your way in and we’ll call it even. ” Yoongi laughs before hanging up, leaving Changbin to scramble as he brushes his teeth and throws some deodorant on.

He makes quick work of stopping at a convenience store to grab a handful of energy drinks for Yoongi and the girls after texting him to ask what they all prefer. Some of the flavors are, quite frankly, weird and Changbin thinks some of them taste like cigarettes and not in a good way. He bypasses waiting for the elevator and runs up the stairs after he scans his card to come into the main building from the parking garage.

“Fuck– Jesus I’m so sorry.” He breathes as he comes into the studio, panting as he leans on his knees. The only person in the studio is Yoongi sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone as if they aren’t doing anything important today.

“You’re late.” His ears twitch toward Changbin and his tail swishes where it curls over the arm of the chair. “The girls are taking a break, they went to get some breakfast.”

Changbin groans as he collapses to kneel on the floor, panting as he slides the black plastic bag toward his boss.

“You coulda fucking told me, hyung.” He grumbles as he falls to his side, smacking his own tail angrily on the floor. “I sprinted up the fucking stairs. Jesus.”

“That’s no way to talk to your hyung.” Yoongie nudges him with his foot and Changbin groans in return, standing up to set himself up at the desk. “Thank you for stopping. Give me the receipt and I'll get you reimbursed.” He motions toward Changbin with a pair of clawed fingers. The action should feel demeaning but it never does with Yoongi, he’s just a little short with the way he talks but his smile makes it easy to tell when he’s serious or not.

“Just buy me lunch with the company card and we’ll call it even.” He huffs as he sits in the desk chair, groaning as he feels his back lock up a little bit from sleeping in this exact position all night.

“Are you okay? You don’t look like you slept at all.” Yoongi muses from behind him as he stands next to Changbin’s chair.

“I’m fine . Fell asleep working on some personal stuff.” He groans as he stretches his back, gasping as it pops with a twist. “Also ran into my ex from college yesterday. Not a good day all around.”

“The bull guy?” Changbin can see the way Yoongi snaps his head up with eyebrows scrunched in curiosity. “What’s he doing out here? I thought you said he moved away after college?”

“I thought he did. But it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. I can stop thinking about him for a while to finish this.” Changbin turns in his chair to face Yoongi, motioning with his hand out to ask for his wallet.

“Okay, just a heads up the new guy is a bull too so don’t get too in your head about that.” Yoongi sits forward enough to get his wallet out of his back pocket and hand it over.

His ex-something isn’t the only other bull in the world, Changbin knows this. It’s why he wants to meet more cows and bulls, because they’re out there and they’re nice and normal enough that he won’t freak out.

“Thank you for the heads up, it won’t be an issue.” He takes out the company card absently, starting an order in a food delivery app before the studio door swings open to reveal a gaggle of five twenty-something girls walk in with their manager in tow. They look comfortable, dressed in sweats and loose tees, he’s pretty sure some of them aren’t wearing bras but he honestly couldn’t care less. They’re grown women, if being braless makes them more comfortable for recording that’s fine by Changbin.

“Hi girlies, how was breakfast?” He smiles disarmingly at the girls as they sit down on the couch after offering both him and Yoongi respectful bows. They all begin chattering almost at once as Changbin just watches fondly. They talk about where they went and what they ate and Changbin takes it in at a surface level, chatting back as he checks his notes from the last recording session he had with them for the guide track. Yoongi leaves after letting the girls in, trusting Changbin enough to guide and direct them on his own.

The session goes well. The girls have fun with recording, like they always do with Changbin, dancing and playing along with the song when they aren’t in the booth and even offering to help each other when they’re struggling. It honestly makes Changbin feel good about them as a group, they’re newer, more experimental, and don’t have the biggest fanbase yet but the company has high hopes for them.

One of the girls finishes her first shot at her line in the studio and Changbin sits back for a second, checking back over his notes since something doesn’t quite sound right. As he’s about to press the button to talk to her the studio door opens and he catches the sound of an unsettlingly familiar voice greeting the rest of the girls.

“You’ve gotta be kidding.” It’s Chan. Again. Because of course, it is. It’s just Changbin’s luck that he honestly could not avoid Chan if he wanted to right now.

“Don’t make it weird, Bin.” Chan also visibly sags when he registers who it is that’s talking to him. He lifts his backpack from where he’d been holding it in one hand to place it on an empty part of the sofa before coming to sit in the empty desk chair next to Changbin.

“I’m not the one making it weird.” He grumbles to himself as he turns back to the mic on the table and hits the button. “That was good, Chae, but I think if you make the ends of the phrases more punchy it’d be better with how the track sounds behind you.”

He can hear the way Chan scoffs next to him but says nothing about it, helping Chae correct her intonation as best he can. He loves Chae, adores her like she’s his own little sister but sometimes she can really struggle with taking direction. She’s not stupid, he knows that, she just can’t get herself to be as hard as he needs her to sometimes and it can make recording sessions a little bit of a struggle.

“Can I talk to her?” Chan’s voice asks tentatively next to him and Changbin really can’t say no. She’s not picking up what he’s trying to get her to do and it’s starting to get on his nerves. Chan had always been a good director, even if he was never good at talking emotionally, he’s good at vocal directing and Changbin can’t fault him for that.

“Sure, I need to step out for a second anyway.” He needs a cigarette, or two. He can leave Chan on this while he steps out for ten minutes. He’s too stressed for this shit. He’s pretty sure he’s had nightmares about this exact situation. It’s fine, he’ll be fine.

He stops at the door to pat himself down to find his cigarettes and lighter, catching Chan talking to Chae as he goes into the booth. He doesn’t hear exactly what he’s saying but he can see him walk into the booth, talking directly to her. It’s sweet, the way he seems to make himself seem on the same level with her. Changbin only lets himself think that for a second before frowning and turning his attention back to finding his cigarettes. The sweet face he’s putting forward is all it is, a sweet face.

Changbin scoffs quietly as he steps out of the studio, making his way to the smoking balcony to clear his head. Chan is the new guy at work. The new hire that everyone had been excited about. Changbin had been excited too, hearing his credentials. To say he isn’t excited anymore would be an understatement. When he gets out into the open air he’s grateful to see the fog has burned off, showing the glittering buildings of the city. He can feel the last vestiges of summer clawing into the back of his neck with the sun’s rays and wishes they could stick around a little longer. As he lights his cigarette he reminds himself that things need to change and he needs to accept it, as dirty of a past as it drags up, he needs to let change happen.

He doesn’t like this change. He’s already sick of it and it’s only just started.

Changbin finishes his one dart before coming back inside, doing his best to spray himself with perfume before he reenters the studio. He knows it doesn’t do much to cover the smell but it’s better than nothing and Chan has never had the best sense of smell to begin with. This is more so Yoongi won’t tear him a new one for stinking up his chair.

“That sounded good, Chae, I think we’ll hang onto that last one for now and see what Bin thinks after we finish everything up, okay?” Chan sits back from where he was leaning over the desk to speak into the mic. His hair looks healthier than it ever did in college, he probably started to take actual care of it instead of covering it up. Changbin wonders for a moment if he smells the same as he used to. Probably not.

‘Don’t think that, weirdo.’ He shakes his head as he almost says it out loud, blowing a quiet snort through his nose as he comes to lean against the desk.

“Mind if I have a listen before she goes?” He asks as he crosses his arms, looking from Chan to where Chae is starting to take her headset off. He leans over and presses the button to talk to her, smiling apologetically. “Give us two seconds, Chae, I wanna listen to what you guys did while I was out.”

He sits down as Chan starts to pull up the tracks, overlaying what they had on the track Changbin had built. A couple of the other girls are sitting chatting behind them on the sofa. It’s reminiscent of what Chan and Changbin had actually been doing in college as music production majors helping out their musician friends with building tracks and final projects. It was simpler times. Easier to deal with. Harder emotionally, sure, but easier in the long run.

The track itself sounds good, Chae’s vocals mixing easily over the track, almost perfectly even. The little imperfections can be adjusted when they polish it but as it stands it’s good. Changbin nods approvingly, jutting his lower lip out and raising his eyebrows as he shoots a thumbs up toward Chae. Her little squeal makes him smile as she bounces out of the booth, her cute little curl of a tail bouncing behind her.

Pig hybrids aren’t particularly popular for idols but Chae has perfected the “cute piglet” look and refuses to hide the way her nose is turned up slightly or her curled tail. She’s part of what makes the group “experimental” and Changbin loves it. Hybrids like them aren’t usually seen as anything that should be center stage, given they aren’t anything particularly exotic or exciting, even when they come with spots or stripes they’re brushed aside for more enticing hybrids. Hence why Yoongi had been an idol before becoming a producer, male Calico hybrids are rare, he’d been extremely popular at the height of his career.

But a Holstein hybrid like Changbin or Highland like Chan isn’t seen as more than something big and intimidating. Usually used as security guards for idols. Changbin still finds himself getting roped into more physical roles from time to time, usually by the girl groups he works with in the studio for an escort in the airport while they’re still small.

“Sounds good, Chae, you’re good for the day!” Chan’s hand reaches in front of Changbin, holding the button before he turns back to the rest of the girls. Changbin recognizes the bracelet he’s wearing. It had been a gift Changbin had given him for his graduation, a simple, very chunky, dark silver chain that contrasts against Chan’s pale skin.

‘Why would he still have that?’ Changbin takes a deep breath before distracting himself by checking his notes for what else they need to finish on this track.

“Maybe Jiwoo can go in next? She had some good ideas for the bridge.” Chan injects himself into Changbin’s thought process, leaning closer to the other bull. Changbin already has everything he needs laid out for the bridge. They’ve already pretty much finished recording that section so he just looks at Chan, taking a deep breath and closing his notes with maybe a little bit more attitude than he means to.

“Sure.” His voice is curt and sharp and he leans back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap as he stares at Chan. “Go for it, if you wanna direct this session I’ll happily sit back on the project I’m supposed to be leading.”

Chan sags at that, shaking his head as he pushes himself away from the desk with a sigh. He bites his lip in a way that Changbin can tell is meant to hold in something he wants to say. Chan glances between him and the girls, thinking for a moment before turning back to the soundboard to start pulling up the next part of the track.

Should Changbin feel a little bad? Maybe. Does he? Absolutely not. Not after Chan seems to be barging into every aspect of his life with no regard for what it’s doing to him. It’s dredging up old feelings Changbin had thought he’d buried long ago. He sucks in his own deep breath, cooling himself down for a second before turning his chair around to look at the girls.

“What did you have in mind for the bridge?” He needs to learn to let go of grudges, relax when they’re splashed in his face and just go with whatever the world has for him. So he lets it go, for now and lets Chan have his way as bitter as he is about it.

The rest of the session goes smoothly, even with the lingering tension between the two bulls. Changbin does his best to ignore it, focusing more on his work than how he feels about Chan being in his space. But it’s there, the creeping nagging feeling of this person who hurt him so terribly invading his peace consistently.

By the time they’re done Changbin’s food has been delivered and he’s turned himself away from the soundboard to eat, the girls have left by now so it’s just the bulls in the studio. The air is tense, almost uncomfortable as Changbin eats and Chan finishes up saving the files for the day. Changbin almost wants to check and make sure he’s saving them right but Chan was the one who had taught him the format he still uses for labeling his files. It’s stupid how much one person can influence everything you do and alter habits to fit their own. Especially since they had only been whatever they were for two years before Chan graduated and moved away.

That thought makes Changbin stop for a moment, why is Chan even here in Korea? He’d moved back to Australia after he’d graduated. At least… That’s what he’d told everyone his plans were. He thinks for a moment before coming to a conclusion that is maybe a little bit of a leap from their current situation.

“Are you stalking me?” He turns his chair so he can face Chan who doesn’t react beyond freezing in place. There are two beats of pause before Chan sits a little more upright, bringing his hands into his lap and turning to face Changbin robotically.

“What?” He’s acting like it’s a ridiculous question. It… It is but Changbin needs confirmation that it’s not true before he stops believing it.

“You moved back to Australia after you graduated. What are you doing back in Korea, working here , meeting my friends. Going to my gym.” Changbin’s voice starts to take on an accusatory edge as his eyes narrow at the other bull.

“What, am I not allowed to exist in the same city as you?” Chan’s lip curls as he asks, ears pinning back behind his horns. It’s the same look he’d give Changbin when he’d ask him questions in college. Suddenly Changbin feels like that stupid kid again, heart leaping up into his throat as his own ears flatten some and he tucks his chin down.

“You can’t not have known I work here, Chris, my name is all over the company’s music.” Changbin scoffs as he leans back in his chair and tries to school his features to not seem so scared. “Unless you sent in that application because I work here.”

“You sound insane! Why would I move back across the world for you ?” That burns. “And yes, I knew you worked here before I sent in the application, I thought, just maybe, that this company would be big enough that we wouldn’t see each other.”

“You thought, being hired as a music producer, that you wouldn’t see me, also a music producer, at a music company.” Changbin clarifies flatly, arching a brow as he stares Chan down. “Do you think I’m that stupid?”

“Don’t fucking put words into my mouth, Changbin.” Chan growls in response, his tail whipping back and forth with an agitated flick. His nostrils flare like they always have when he gets angry and Changbin just finds himself getting angrier at the display.

“I’m not the one saying dumb shit, Chris! You really sound like either a fucking idiot or a stalker–” He leans forward in his chair, shaking his head at the other before he’s cut off.

“Fine! Fine! I chose this company because I saw your name and thought ‘Hey! I know him’ Does that make you happy?” He sounds tired of Changbin with a sharp edge to his voice, the same edge. he used to whenever Changin would bring up whoever else he was fucking in college. Changbin’s stomach turns over and he turns back with a shake of his head to pack up his food and store it away. “I didn’t come here because of you. But I was hoping we could at least be friends.”

At this, Changbin snorts. Friends. Not something he’d really describe their relationship as ever being. They fucked, they fought, they had been somewhere between hating each other and an actual relationship. It had been messy and raw and definitely not healthy.

“Friends? Coworkers.” Changbin corrects quickly. “You’re shadowing me until you get how the company works, then you’re getting cut loose to work with other engineers.” He keeps his voice sharp as he packs everything up, snapping the cheap takeaway chopsticks before tossing them in the trash.

“You’re really doing that? Two years of friendship and you’re just focusing on where it went wrong?”

“Yes. You made my life fucking hell Chris.” Changbin hisses as he stands with his takeout in hand. “I wasn’t anything to you but you wanted everything from me. You’d be bitter too.” His words taste like bile as he shoves his way past Chan to get to the door. “This conversation is over. If you need anything else talk to Jihoon. I’ll see you when I see you.” He’s out the door before the sentence is even fully finished, letting it click closed behind him.

This fucking sucks .

Chapter Text

Fuck this.

Changbin groans as he leans on the balcony outside the studio. A cigarette is dangling from his lips as he stares out at the city. It’s cold. Summer is gone even the air itself has a bluish color, making all the metal and glass look like ice. He’s using this cigarette break to get away from Chan, the problem that has been eating at every part of his life and has forced him to change every aspect of the routine he’s built over the past few years. Fucking everything up.

“Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck everything.” He grumbles as his tail swishes from side to side agitatedly behind him. They’ve been working together for a week. Every day there’s always something new for them to fight about. Quiet arguments behind closed doors, biting words when they don’t have space to actually argue. It has, shocking no one, made things a little tense around the office.

“Hey.” Yoongi interrupts his thoughts as he joins him on the balcony. “Chris needs you back inside to sign off on some stuff.”

Changbin hates that everyone is comfortable enough with Chan to call him by his English name. It’s his name sure but it feels more intimate than what coworkers should call each other. Changbin still remembers how it used to taste in his mouth when he was moaning it like he was getting paid to.

“ He couldn’t come ask me?” He clarifies with an arched brow, taking a slow drag off his cigarette before releasing the smoke from the corner of his lips. Yoongi rolls his eyes at the attitude before heaving a dramatic sigh.

“Fine. I’m asking you to come back inside. Finish your cigarette before I finish it for you.” And then Yoongi is gone, the balcony door closing behind him with a click. He doesn’t want to go back in. He… doesn’t have much of a choice. He needs to work and get this shit done as fast as possible so he can cut Chan loose to run around the company on his own.

So he takes one last drag before putting his cigarette out in the ashtray on the rail, blowing the smoke away as he sprays perfume mostly in his hair before stepping back inside the building. Dread fills him with every step as he makes his way through the hall to the studio he and Chan have been occupying for the better part of the week.

Changbin doesn’t want to have another argument. He doesn’t want to deal with the passive aggression or see the look on Chan’s face when he’s the one biting at him with the aggression.

He’s sick of being reminded of how attractive Chan gets when he gets upset too. It had been a bit of a thing when they were in college. Arguments sparking and ending with them all over each other because Changbin couldn’t figure out how to control himself when his whatever-the-fuck looked at him like that . It was stupid. And it persists. Even now, as Changbin is grown and should be better than that, he’s still just a man at the end of it all. He still thinks about kissing Chan when they fight. He shouldn’t! He knows he shouldn’t, but he does.

He sneers at the thought and pushes the studio door open, seeing Chan already sitting at the soundboard, phone in hand and the ever-present bottle of pineapple juice sitting on the desk.

Huh… Wasn’t Yoongi just ahead of me?

The door closes behind him with a click and he hears the external lock turning into place.

“Yoongi?” Changbin calls through the door, ears pinning back behind his head. He can hear something heavy being dragged in front of the door, probably one of the stupid potted plants that dot the hallway outside.

“You guys need to get along. I’m not unlocking the door until you guys stop fucking arguing.” He sounds irritated before he thanks someone on the other side. Then comes the telltale sound of him changing the lock code on his side. “A bunch of trainees are starting to gossip and it doesn’t look good on the company. Figure your shit out or you’re getting pulled from the project.”

Changbin growls as the digital woman in the lock thanks Yoongi for changing the code. His tail flicks angrily behind him before he turns to face Chan who just looks like this is just another day. Fucking stupid.

“Well.” Chan starts before tossing his phone onto the desk with a sigh. “Guess we better get some shit done while we’re in here.” There’s an edge to his voice as he wheels his chair back into the desk.

“We? You can work on what I left you with.” He sneers as he walks to the other end of the soundboard to get his laptop out. “Which I’m assuming you don’t need me to sign off on. I have some other shit I need to do.” He’d left his personal project sitting at an awkward spot the night before. He wants to take some time to iron out some of the kinks left in it.

“Y’know, I really just don’t get you.” Chan snaps back, turning his chair to look at Changbin. “You can’t even be civil for an hour, can you?”

The accusation has Changbin whipping back around to stare Chan dead on, ears pinned sharply behind his head, and nostrils flaring with his anger.

“No! No, I can’t! I don’t want to be fucking civil with you, Christopher!” He can’t control the way his voice raises as he glares. “I’ve been as civil as I can with you this week but you keep fucking bothering me. You keep butting into my life and you keep trying to shove yourself into every place I thought was safe from you!”

Earlier in the week he’d found out Chan had indeed gotten a membership at the gym Changbin attends every day. And that he’d started going to the same grocery store on the same fucking schedule as Changbin. The only safe place he has left is his home. And even then, Chan texts him and emails him. Sure it’s about work but it’s still an invasion of his final respite from the other bull.

“Safe? What the fuck do you mean safe ? You’re acting like I’m attacking you every time we’re around when you’re the one who gets fucking pissed every time I so much as look at you!” Chan pushes himself forward in his seat, waving his hand toward Changbin.

“BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE !” Changbin explodes as he stands over Chan, likely the only time he’ll ever be able to feel bigger than him. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE GONE BUT YOU’RE STILL! FUCKING! HERE!” He takes a few heavy breaths before shaking his head. “You broke my heart and left, Chris. You weren’t supposed to come back into my life.” He takes a few more deep breaths to level his voice as he turns back to his laptop.

“So, what? You think I owe you something? You think because I hurt you when we were in college that you can treat me like shit now?” Changbin doesn’t turn back to take the bait, focusing instead on setting his laptop on the desk. “You’re unbelieva–”

The world goes quiet as Changbin puts his overhead headphones on, sufficiently blocking Chan out so he can actually get work done on his personal project.

It takes him an hour to iron out the kinks to his liking, the process cooling his temper down from where it had been soaring earlier. Music making has always been meditative for Changbin, somewhere for him to turn his brain and emotions off for a while and just let the music roll through his body and out of his fingertips. He takes a breath as he sits back in his chair, stretching his back before a thought pops into his head. He may as well get his vocals recorded while he’s in a facility that can actually make it sound good.

But that means he needs to talk to Chan.

May as well bite the bullet.

He almost says the thought out loud as he takes his headphones off and adjusts his glasses on his nose, turning to face Chan where he stays sitting at the soundboard, eyes glued to the large screen next to the window that looks into the recording booth. God, he doesn’t want Chan looking at him in the booth. It’s something little but it’s never been something he’s enjoyed, hence why he’s chosen to take a background role rather than be in front of an actual audience.

“I’m gonna record some stuff in the booth. You good to just cut it where I need you to?” He doesn’t want to have to ask Chan to help but he also doesn’t want to go through the hassle of disconnecting the recording equipment just to reconnect it to his laptop. Of the two evils, Talking to Chan is the easier one to deal with.

“Sure. I’ll start a new file for you.” Chan sighs through his nose as he speaks, voice flat and tired sounding. “Need anything else?”

“I’ll let you know.” He responds with an edge of sass in his voice, raising his eyebrows as he goes into the booth with his phone and water in his hands, tossing the latter on a small sofa at the back of the booth. He doesn’t actually need the backing track to record what he wants, it’s just the roughs for now, guides for later when he’s able to record the real thing without Chan in the room hopefully.

“Is Yoongi okay with you doing personal stuff in the studio like this?” Chan asks with his hand on the button, eyebrow raised suspiciously.

“Yoongi doesn’t care .” Changbin retorts as he stands closer to the mic, setting his phone on the music stand next to it. “Start the recording, eighty-eight bpm please.” He can have manners when he wants to, though, this likely won’t last long. If Chan is anything like how he used to be, he’s going to offer help and solutions to problems that Changbin doesn’t have.

“Sure.” The response he gets is short and sharp as Chan gets the settings set to his request, sitting back once it’s done and Changbin can hear the metronome playing through the headphones.

Changbin counts himself into the rhythm, starting with the chorus of the song. He keeps his vocals softer, almost dreamy to suit the R&B instrumentals he’s already put together. He lets himself get lost in it for a long moment, pausing when he finishes the chorus to wet his lips and motioning to Chan to cut the recording there.

“You could’ve done that better.” Chan interjects through the headphones once the metronome stops. “Wanna try the pre-chorus again?”

“You don’t know what I’m recording, stop butting in.” Changbin says almost absently as he motions for the recording and metronome to start again.

“Even if it’s just a rough, you could’ve done better.” Changbin can hear the click of the button as Chan releases it and rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

“Fine, Mr. Director. If you wanna show me what can make this guide better, please, by all means, do better.” Changbin pulls the headphones off and steps back, staring challengingly through the window as the other bull stands and comes to the door of the booth. “I’m literally just recording guides. It doesn’t need to be good.”

“Even if it’s just guides you shouldn’t half-ass it, Bin.” Chan admonishes him as he steps inside the booth. Changbin doesn’t want to hear this, it’s not something he meant to ask for but it’s happening anyway. Great .

“Fine, then I won’t ass it at all. You wanna record my guides?” He steps back from the microphone, taking the headphones off to offer to him. “Go right ahead, since you seem to think you know what this song you’ve never heard needs.”

“Can you be nice for five minutes?” Chan doesn’t take the headphones, instead, he stares at Changbin like he has a second head growing out of one of his horns. “Stop acting like I’m such a bad fucking guy for wanting to help you, Changbin.”

“You’re not helping, Chris, you’re sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.” He hangs the headphones on the stand next to the mic before shaking his head.

“Because believe it or not I want to be friends again. I want to get along with you, Changbin, why can’t you let old shit go?” Chan seems like he’s barely keeping himself from blowing up as he crosses his arms on his chest.

“I can’t let old shit go because old shit just suddenly came crawling back into my life after treating me like shit before he fucking vanished.” Changbin hisses as he goes to sit on the stool inside the recording booth.

“Okay, y’know what, I’m done trying to be nice to you since all you wanna fucking do is insult me and throw it back in my fucking face every time!” It’s Chan’s turn to explode now, his raised voice being dampened down by the soundproofing in the room. “You need to fucking let that shit go!”

“Let it go? As if you using me for sex and then just fucking dipping didn’t have me spiraling for months after?!” Changbin leans forward on the stool, glaring hard at Chan before he lets out a snort. “Not everyone is emotionally constipated like you! Some of us feel our emotions.”

“Don’t act like you know me anymore!” Chan steps closer, almost crowding into Changbin’s space as he almost looms over him. “You stopped knowing me five years ago.” At this Changbin snorts a laugh, standing and crossing his arms.

“Chan, you haven’t changed at all. You’re still the same emotionally stunted, people-pleasing fuckboy that you were back then.” He shakes his head and pushes himself up into the other bull’s face. “You look the same you act the same you’re the fucking same!”

“Don’t fucking act like you’re better than me! You’re still the same short-tempered, sensitive little shit that I’m already so fucking sick of!” Changbin’s phone buzzes in his pocket but he ignores it, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists tightly at his sides.

“Jesus, the worst part about all of this is you’re still fucking hot!” It tumbles out of his mouth before he can even think to bite it back, snapping his jaws together as soon as it’s out. He sees Chan calculating for a second before Changbin surges forward to grab his face between his hands, kissing him hard with more teeth than tongue or lips.

He’s surprised when Chan starts kissing him back, taking control of the kiss as his hands begin to touch Changbin. His hands aren’t tentative or soft, grabbing his hips and pushing him back toward the sofa. Changbin feels himself trip into it before he knows what to do and Chan’s hands grab him by his shirt, holding it roughly as he gets a knee on the cushion next to Changbin’s hip, kneeling over him to reconnect their lips.

He’s less intense than Changbin had been, but only a little bit as he bites his lower lip to barely ask for permission before his tongue parts Changbin’s lips. It’s all very familiar, a bite while they kiss followed closely by a tongue tasting like pineapple. Hands grope his waist and travel lower lifting him off the couch by his hips so he’s sitting in Chan’s lap now and Chan snakes a hand under the waistband of his pants and Changbin feels like they’re back in his dorm, exiling his roommate while they fuck in the shared room. It’s rushed like they don’t have much time before someone walks in

 It feels wrong but altogether right at the same time. Changbin’s heart swoops down into his stomach and he lets out an involuntary, half-swallowed whimper. It’s all desperation and need that neither of them understands really but it feels good and Changbin presses his chest up into Chan’s, trying to feel more of him through the fabric of his shirt that suddenly feels like too much. He lets out a moan as his hand travels under Chan’s shirt, digging his fingers into the meat of his pec as Chan starts to push his pants down his legs.

“Off.” Chan growls against his lips as his hands grope and grab at every inch of flesh and skin they can reach, his callouses are rough against Changbin’s body as he bends and moves willingly to his touch, doing his best to wiggle free without disconnecting from Chan. Changbin’s hands move to start undressing Chan, tugging the back of his shirt up before there are hands on his own shirt, pulling up the front. “ Off .” The growl is more insistent this time as Changbin’s lip is caught between Chan’s teeth again, a much less gentle bite than before that has Changbin gasping sharply.

He lets a curse slide between them as he backs off to pull his shirt over his head, cursing again when the fabric gets caught on the curl of his horn before Chan takes it and tosses it away. Changbin finally gets a good look at him and takes in a small breath at just how unchanged Chan looks from when they were younger. His face still flushes the same and he still has that exact same look in his eye that should make Changbin feel guilty or nervous but in all honesty, just makes him hornier the longer he stares into the depth of them.

Chan backs away for a moment before grabbing Changbin by the horn and pushing him down onto his knees in front of the sofa. All Changbin can do for his part is stare up at him, eyes searching for… something in Chan’s gaze. He pushes himself forward to nose at Chan’s cock through his pants, sighing as he tugs at the waistband of his pants to free his cock. And of course, it’s just as big as it’s always been, even as soft as it is. It makes his mouth water as he gets his lips onto it, moaning out as he sucks the tip into his mouth. 

The hand in his horn gives a sharp tug as Chan’s hips cant forward, bucking his dick deeper into Changbin’s mouth that has him letting out a low growl in response, trying to pull back as best he can to fight against the grip on his head. Not the first time Chan has held him in place to fuck his face. Changbin likes it, when he expects it. He’s not expecting this and lets out a sound to tell Chan not to try that right now.

“Fuck… you still feel the same.” Chan moans out loud, stilling his hips as Changbin begins to bob his head over his cock eagerly. He works his long, thick tongue over Chan’s length after pulling back, moaning as he tastes precum already leaking. “Fuck—“

Changbin moans as he backs off, dragging his tongue along as he tightens the coil it holds around Chan’s dick. It seems like the action squeezes more precum from Chan and it drips down his throat. It’s familiar and sweet, the pineapple juice clearly working through his system after he’s been drinking it all day. Changbin hates to admit it, but he’s missed it.

He moans as he nuzzles against the base of Chan’s cock, lapping his thick, strong tongue at his balls to make the redhead moan out loud. He still sounds the same too.

Fuck .

Changbin moans again as he pulls himself back and brings two fingers to his mouth to coat his middle and ring finger in his thick, tacky saliva before running it back to start prodding at his hole. Changbin knows where this is going, it’s going the same place it did in college

“Stand up.” Chan pulls his horn up and Changbin goes willingly, letting himself be manhandled around until his face is being crushed into the back cushion of the sofa. The bend of his back and hands on his ass send him rocketing deeper into neediness and he can already feel his cock getting harder between his legs, throbbing where it hangs. “Fuck…” Chan squeezes his ass before slapping his hands down on both cheeks, he must be marveling at the way it jiggles under his ministrations as he slaps it again, pulling the cheeks apart to spit directly onto Changbin’s hole.

Changbin moans out, body shaking as he feels Chan’s thumb prodding at his hole dryly. He pushes back into it, keeping the sharp bend of his body as Chan starts to finger him, barely working his thumb in and out as he spits again. They did always like it messy. Changbin still does, and clearly Chan hasn’t changed as well.

Typical .

“Fuck… more—“ Changbin whines, dropping his head between his shoulders as Chan keeps fingering him. He expects to feel the pressure on his hole change from Chan’s thumb to his forefinger but instead, he feels Chan’s face wedge between his cheeks, kissing and lapping at his hole sloppily. One hand comes down to stroke Changbin’s cock as the tip of his tongue prods at his hole simultaneously. He sounds obscene behind Changbin as he groans into his hole, tongue working slowly into him. It’s wet and warm and feels so fucking good stretching him that Changbin can’t help but let out a low moo, gripping the pleather of the sofa tightly.

Chan moans into his ass, hands wandering from his cheeks to stroke the back of his thighs in the way he knows Changbin likes, pushing his face harder into him. His gut twists as he feels Chan’s tongue reaching deep into him. He reaches a hand back to tangle in Chan’s hair, feeling his fingers dig into the soft, red, curls as he pulls Chan harder against his body.

This is stupid. We shouldn’t be doing this.

As he’s thinking, Changbin feels Chan’s tongue work against his prostate, shocking him back out of his head.

“O-oh fuck—“ He gasps, tensing momentarily as he pulls Chan’s hair roughly. “There right-right there please—“ He shouldn’t be begging. He’s not above it but with Chan, he shouldn’t. He needs to keep himself together and not let Chan pick him apart and hurt him all over again.

Chan’s tongue wiggles against his prostate and Changbin feels  tears starting in the corners of his eyes as he starts to feel overstimulation edging into his pleasure. God, it’s so good, it’s so fucking good and it has no fucking reason to be this fucking good. Chan lets out a messy moan and Changbin can feel a finger joining his tongue, worming its way in to loosen his hole alongside the thick, wet muscle. It fucking burns but it feels so good, Changbin has always enjoyed a little bit of pain with his pleasure. Right now he can’t tell if Chan is remembering that or if he’s just in a rush, trying to open Changbin up as fast as he can so he can get his dick wet. He doesn’t care if Chan remembers, honestly, he’s just as pent up by now that he just wants a dick inside him, something to fuck the frustration and anger out of himself. He’d tried on his own but it just ended up making him angrier because he’d been thinking about Chan the whole time like some love-drunk idiot. But this isn’t love. This is barely lust. It’s a need for release and nothing more.

“M-more~” Changbin whimpers as he presses himself back into the finger that’s now plunged up to the second knuckle alongside the tongue. “Fuck—“ He feels it get worked in deeper along with the start of a second finger, working in to the first knuckle. He lets out a heady moan as he spreads his knees as wide as he can get them on the couch just as the tongue withdraws from his hole.

“Fuck, Bin.” Chan moans as Changbin whimpers, his ass clenching around the digits still inside him trying to suck them deeper into his body. Chan drags his tongue over Changbin’s ass cheek, kissing and biting the round of flesh as he goes. He’s not gentle and it feels like he’s just as pent up as Changbin is.

“Fuck me— just fuck me already.” He does his best to keep the whine out of his voice, demanding as he tries to gain control back as he presses his forehead into the sofa. He gasps when he feels Chan spit on his hole again, the saliva thick and warm as it drips from where two fingers are stuffed into him down his taint onto the back of his balls and he shivers a little bit, whimpering as Chan wiggles his finger to rub against his prostate again. “Don’t make me beg, just fuck me.”

“Why not? You seemed ready to earlier.” Chan slaps his hand down on Changbin’s ass, making him jump in place.

“Fuck you—“ The fingers are drawn from him and Changbin whines at the loss, mouth falling wide open as he feels the tip of what can only be Chan’s cock nudging against his hole.

“Thought you wanted me to fuck you .” Chan chuckles as he pushes his cock in, the stretch burning through Changbin’s body as he goes breathless, his throat seizing up as he feels the intrusion pushing slowly past his rim. It’s dry, even with the spit it’s barely enough to make it nice. He feels another glob get spit where he’s joined to Chan, the slide made a little bit easier with it as his cock is pushed deeper in.

“Just-fuck-just do it.” Then Chan is thrusting his full length in and Changbin almost regrets being so demanding. But the blunt head of Chan’s cock pressing against his prostate feels like heaven as he draws back, spitting again before thrusting back in slowly, filling Changbin inch by inch until he’s seated fully inside him once again. It’s almost too much. Chan is big , almost bigger than Changbin remembers but he doesn’t have long to dwell on it before Chan starts a quick pace with his thrusts, punching little moans out of Changbin with each one.

Changbin feels Chan’s hands start to wander, one gripping his waist in such a familiar way as the other continues to travel up his back and into his hair, finally wrapping around his curled horn and giving a sharp tug in time with one of the harder thrusts. The hand on his waist falls to slap his ass again as Chan continues to fuck him, thrusts getting harder as he pulls Changbin’s horn to deepen the arch of his back.

“Oh-oh fuck!” Changbin moans out, eyes scrunching closed as he pushes himself back into it. “Just! Like! That!” His voice jumps with every thrust, strained and needy as he listens to Chan’s own moans, muffled by where he’s holding his shirt up in his mouth. God he wants to turn around and see him, see the way his body looks, if he’s letting his happy trail grow instead of waxing it like he used to. He wonders if Chan’s body still looks like it’s carved of marble and shaped by the gods. The wondering doesn’t last long as the tip of Chan’s cock hits his prostate, sending pleasure shocking through his system.

“Still so fucking tight—“ Chan growls as he thrusts fast and rough, the sound of wet skin-on-skin filling the booth in harmony with their matching moans.

“Chris— Chris I’m—“ He whimpers, feeling the edges of his orgasm start in his hips. It’s been too long since he had sex. At least since he had relatively good sex, and this is pushing him toward the edge way too fast.

“Fuck, cum on my cock.” Chan’s voice bounces as he keeps thrusting, holding a steady pace that has Changbin moaning louder and louder with each thrust. His hands wander the familiar shapes of Changbin’s spots, more delicate than they have any right to be before one is tangling back in his hair and the other is gripping his waist hard enough to bruise. “God your ass is so fucking tight.” Chan growls, tightening his grip on Changbin’s hair and giving a rough tug. Changbin can feel himself clenching up as his orgasm coils between his hips

“Don’t stop- don’t stop—“ Changbin gasps desperately, one hand dropping to stroke his cock in time with Chan’s thrusts. Chngbin’s mouth hangs open as he lets unabashed moans drip from his mouth with the drool he can’t keep contained as the drops fall on the leather, mixing with droplets of precum that are already there. “O-oh fuck.” Changbin squeezes his eyes shut as his orgasm washes over his body, drawing loud moans out of him as he cums.

Changbin wonders, for a moment, how they’re gonna clean up the mess. It’s interrupted as the pleasure he feels begins to overwhelm him in the best way possible. He lets out a shuddering moan as cum spurts from his cock, splashing messily onto the couch. It sounds obscene, wet and too much all at once. It feels so fucking good as Chan fucks him hard and rough through his orgasm, chasing his own release as Changbin’s hole clenches tightly around him. It’s too much, Changbin can feel tears starting in his eyes with every thrust, the edges of overstimulation bleeding into his pleasure so perfectly that his moans start pitching up with every bounce of his body on Chan’s cock.

Chan’s hands wander down to grip his hips, pulling Changbin back as his thrusts pick up in intensity and speed, a telltale sign of his own orgasm. Changbin’s whines and moans get louder with every thrust and he digs his nails into the sofa, cum dribbling uselessly from his cock and adding to the mess on the couch.

Then Chan pulls out, moaning around his shirt as Changbin gasps, hole clenching around nothing as he feels hot cum spray against it and then again across his ass and up his back. Chan cums too much, they both do really, but Chan was always the worst of the two of them, leaving a mess even if he came inside Changbin. Changbin shudders as he feels the cum flowing up his back and into his hair.

Jesus fucking Christ.

“Fuck..” Chan slurs around his shirt again, stroking himself through the last of his orgasm over Changbin’s ass and slapping the head of his cock against his gaping hole just enough to have Changbin jolting forward and moaning through gritted teeth.

Then the hands are gone and Changbin pants tiredly, his whole body slumping into the cushion as he feels himself coming down from the high of his first good orgasm in weeks. As he does the shame begins, starting in his stomach and crawling up his throat as he realizes what exactly he let himself do.

“Here.” He can’t dwell on the thought for too long before Chan throws his shirt at Changbin, the fabric sticking in the pool of cum on his back in an unpleasant way. He smears it around in the puddle on his back before dragging it up to get the trail leading to his hair, sucking up most of the cum that hasn’t already soaked into his hairline. Changbin reaches back to grab it once he feels relatively clean, using the fabric to mop up his own cum on the sofa. “Hey.”

“Don’t.” Changbin snaps back as he straightens up, kneeling on the edge of the couch as he looks back at Chan.

Of course, his body hasn’t changed . Changbin thinks with an ounce of envy, eyes tracing over the sharp edges and defined lines of his abdominals and obliques. He feels, consciously, just how bare he is now, naked as the day he was born with a layer of fat around his middle, and stretch marks on his legs and chest. He looks nothing like how he looked in college. Back then he was the twink to end all twinks, nothing like what a Holstein should look like. He doesn’t know which is better to feel. But he feels somehow less than Chan as he is now with all the fat on his body when Chan looks like he’s carved from solid marble.

He ducks his head and grabs his clothes, letting the shameful quiet settle around them as he pulls them on piece by piece. Distantly he hears a ticking sound, assuming it’s the clock outside the booth where the door is left open before realizing it’s going too fast. It’s the metronome of the recording software. His head snaps over to look at it as the color drains from his face. Chan must have the same realization as Changbin looks at him and his face fully drops in dismay.

Changbin just shakes his head, leaving the room to turn the recording off. He leaves his own shirt balled up in his hand as he does his best to get comfortable with how his body feels. He feels better but simultaneously he doesn’t, he hurts and feels lighter and heavier all at once.

His phone buzzes in his pocket again.

[bosscat]
Stop screaming you are scaring the children (me, I’m the children)
I know I said get along but I didn’t mean fuck in the recording booth
DO NOT GET CUM ON THE CARPET

Changbin grumbles as he glares at the text, lip curling at it before he shakes his head and drops it onto the table.

“You’re gonna delete that recording, right?” Chan interrupts his thoughts as he exits the booth, staring at Changbin as he balls his shirt up in his hands and drops it in the seat. Changbin finishes saving the file to his thumb drive before Chan can come closer to the computer screens to see what he’s doing.

This is so fucking stupid. He doesn’t say anything as he pulls the drive free, not bothering to eject it in his haste. He doesn’t even know why he’s doing this, he shouldn’t be hanging onto this piece of something he never should have had in the first place. It’s stupid. Chan will know. He’s not sure how he’d know but Chan always seems to know things he shouldn’t. It’s fucking stupid.

“Already done.” He wipes it from the computer’s memory banks, chewing his lip for a second before he hears the door to the studio unlock. He doesn’t need to check his phone to see Yoongi telling him to get out of the studio he also doesn’t need to be told twice to fuck off. “I’m going home. I trust whatever you did is fine.” He pulls his shirt back on and grabs his bag from where he’d deposited it under the desk. He stops as he starts to leave, grabbing Chan by the arm and making sure he looks him in the eye. “This didn’t happen.”

“No, it didn’t.” Chan agrees quietly before slumping back into his seat in front of the computer. Changbin leaves without saying goodbye and doesn’t look Yoongi in the eye as he goes.

Chapter Text

Felix and Jisung are… Gossips. The worst gossips Changbin has ever encountered. He’s not sure introducing them to each other was the best idea in the world but he’s made his bed, he needs to lay in it now.

He also shouldn’t have told them he fucked Chan - or rather that Chan had fucked him . He shouldn’t have told them anything about Chan at all. If he hadn’t he wouldn’t be here, sitting in Felix’s apartment next to the blond’s bed with a bottle of white wine split between them. But he’s here now, a little tipsy and pouting at the foot of Felix’s bed.

“ Why doesn’t matter as much as how it was!” Felix is animated, excited even as he leans on Jisung who sits cross-legged in the center of the mattress, his stemless glass nestled neatly in one hand as the other loops over the brunet collie’s shoulders. “Did it feel good?”

“Feel so fucking good.” There’s a hand on Changbin’s throat, holding him upright so lips are pressing against his ear, breath hot and wet as pleasure rockets through his system where the cock buried in his ass hits his prostate repeatedly. Changbin’s hands slip where they try to grip the arms holding him up and the tile wall his face is being pressed against. The gym is not the place they should be doing this, but Changbin can’t find it in himself to care, his body hurts and he needs this more than he cares to admit. He needs the release that comes quicker than it has any reason to, pleasure bursting so brightly behind his eyes that his vision goes white with it.

“Felix, that’s not the point of this.”
“You’re dodging the question!” Felix snaps before Changbin can even do more than groan, his tail thumping on the pillows behind him. “Was the sex good or not?”

“I’ll be honest, hyung I would also like to know if the sex was good or not.” Jisung speaks into his glass, not making eye contact with Changbin as he leans into his boyfriend.

“It was…” He starts, taking a deep breath before chugging the last of the wine in his glass before dropping the empty vessel on the bed. “It was good! It was so fucking good! It was the best sex I’ve had since we were in college and that feels so fucking shitty to admit!”

“Why is it bad! What makes it so bad that you enjoyed having sex with someone who you know fucks good?!” Felix laughs incredulously shaking his head before taking a sip of his wine.

“ Because he’s my shitty fucking ex from college who used me! He treated me like garbage, Felix! He’s still the same fucking asshole he’s always been!” Changbin whines as he falls back on the floor, putting his hands over his eyes, and digging the heels of his palms into the sockets tiredly.

“You don’t know that Changbin! Maybe he’s changed!” Felix laughs again, finishing his wine before standing up and coming to sit in Changbin’s lap, straddling him and taking his wrists in his small hands to pull them away from his eyes. “You were in love with him once, he can’t be all that bad if you loved him.”

Love doesn’t lead you to your knees in a dingy parking garage, wishing for more than what you’re being hand-fed by someone who no longer cares for you. Love shouldn’t have led Changbin to lowering himself to his knees for Chan over and over and over again. But it does. Before work, in the garage, Changbin is doing his best to try to swallow everything Chan spills into his mouth, reduced to nothing more than another toy sitting on the oil and gas-stained concrete waiting to be used again. There’s a curse above him as Chan backs off, the hand that had been holding his head in place by his horn backing away. The loss is stark, warmth, taste, everything is less and Changbin yearns for more. To have it back and to have anything he can take for himself.

He looks up at Chan as he tucks himself back into his trousers and does his best to will his own arousal back down as he tastes the remnants of Chan’s pineapple-sweetened cum sliding down the back of his throat. He wants more , more than he deserves. He wants to feel Chan touching him and to taste him every chance he gets. He wants to have him in whatever way he can and his heart breaks in his chest as Chan steps away, fishing his keys from his pocket as he looks at Changbin like he’s a cornered animal, waiting to bite. Changbin can feel himself almost ready to plead to Chan to stay but the words die in his throat as Chan leaves him kneeling next to his car.

“Oppa” Chae plops into the chair next to Changbin where he sits at the recording desk, pulling him out of his own head as she leans close, grabbing the arm of his chair to pull him closer. “Changbin-oppa.”

“What.” He responds flatly as he looks up at her from where he’d been staring at Chan working with Issie in the booth.

“Are you and Chris-oppa dating?” She’s earnest as she asks, her eyes big and shiny as she rests an elbow on the arm of the chair and her chin in her hand.

Lips press tenderly to Changbin’s shoulder as the hips fucking into him still, treating him with much more kindness than he’s ever experienced with them. They kiss a soft little line from his shoulder up to his neck, stopping behind his ear as the two of them pant, trying to catch their breath in the quiet soundproofing of the recording booth. The hands on his hip and throat are gentle as they release him, stroking over his body with more reverence than they have any reason to, given who they belong to.

“Absolutely not.” He’s short and sharp as he denies the allegation, arching a brow as he turns away from her to go back to his phone. “Why are you sticking your nose in my business?”

“Because you guys have such good chemistry, Oppa!” She scoots herself closer to him again, grabbing Changbin’s arm and shaking him.

“We don’t have chemistry, Chae. We fight more than we talk. That’s not ‘chemistry’.” He puts air quotes up as he tosses his phone onto the desk and starts fucking around with the file on the screen.

“You’re like an old married couple! It’s cute, you guys look good together anyway, why don’t you try dating?” She swings her chair back and forth and Changbin can feel his irritation rising as he stares at her.

“We look like a pair of bulls, Chae, that’s all. Drop it.” He’s sharp as he waves her off, making her pout as she leaves the chair to go back to the couch to sit with the rest of the girls.

“Rude oppa!” She sticks her tongue out at him and twitches her nose as she sits back in her spot, sipping her water inelegantly.

“Nosey piglet!” He shoots back with his own tongue sticking out at her. He’s being childish, sure but he has a right to be, she’s like his baby sister, bothering him about things she has no idea about.

He lets it die at that, letting the girls go back to their own devices and pulling his own attention away from the file on the big screen to work on the lyrics he’d been writing before Chae interrupted his train of thought. He glances from his phone back at the two in the booth and feels a smile start to quirk at the corner of his mouth, allowing himself the thought of maybe just maybe that they could be more than just fuck buddies. Chan turns back and he forces the smile back down, focusing on what he’s writing again as a break is called. Issie needs to work on some of the English and they’ve been at it all morning, lunch is starting to sound delicious.

Changbin sits himself on the sofa once the girls leave, enjoying his lunch while Chan sits at the desk to finish some of the work. It’s quiet, for once they aren’t fighting or fucking. It feels comfortable, easy even, to be around each other for once and Changbin can appreciate it. He looks up from his phone to stare at the back of Chan’s head. He’s broad, all square angles and firm muscle where it’s always clung to his bones though now his shoulders are more prominent. Like he’s trying to gain muscle on top of what he naturally has. Changbin would love to pick his brain about his routine the next time they end up at the gym together.

He feels himself wanting to reach out and touch his curls, play with the long, red waves while they sit but he knows that’s beyond the scope of their relationship. The temptation is strong but Changbin does his best to not touch, just staring at Chan longingly. It’s stupid. For how much Chan has mistreats him and acts like Changbin is just a toy to be played with he still wants more from him. He wants too much from him. He wants what Chan will never give.

But he doesn’t want… anything from Chan. He wants... To not be so confused about how he feels about Chan. He knows he shouldn’t be hoping for anything from him but part of him hopes for something he shouldn’t have.

Chan swivels in his chair to face Changbin, lips spread thin in the flat smile he uses when he has something he wants to say but doesn’t want to be rude in getting Changbin’s attention.

“Hi, everything okay?” Changbin asks after swallowing his food, not breaking eye contact with Chan.

“Yeah, just finished up and had a uh... Had a question for you.” He’s hesitant, making Changbin uneasy as he puts his fork down.

“About work?” He narrows his eyes and feels himself getting ready for what will probably be an unpleasant question.

“Is Felix single?” He asks it so easily. So normally. As if it doesn’t actively break Changbin’s image of whatever they’d been doing. As if those three words aren’t the loudest proof Changbin needs that Chan hasn’t changed at all since college.

“Are you fucking serious?” He growls, tail thumping hard against the sofa in his irritation. Chan looks at him like he’s crazy, like Changbin is the one who’s just said something absurd. “No. He’s not single, Chris.” He’s maybe being a little bit mean, but can you blame him? He’d been thinking about trying for something with this man, only for him to whip around and pull this shit on him again . “I can’t fucking believe you.”

“What, am I not allowed to be interested in dating someone?” God he doesn’t fucking get it. He really really doesn’t fucking get it.

“No. And you’re not allowed to try to fuck my friends either.” He feels the bitterness of betrayal crawling up the back of his throat as he holds his glare on Chan. “You’re already fucking me, Chris, or am I not enough?” His tail thumps again and his ears pin themselves back behind his head. “You’re un-fucking-believable, Chris.”

“ I’m unbelievable?” Chan scoffs as he stares at Changbin, his own tail starting to swing itself angrily against the desk chair. “Changbin we aren’t in a relationship. You have no stake on me right now.”

“So what, I’m nothing to you? Every time we fucked? That was nothing ?” Changbin does his best to keep the growl out of his voice, lip curling enough that he can feel his nose ring brushing against it as he leans back on the sofa.

“You’re kidding, right?” Chan scoffs, disbelief plain on his face as he crosses his arms and blows a heavy breath through his nose. “We aren’t dating, Changbin. This–” He uncrosses one arm to motion sharply between the two of them. “Is nothing . We are nothing. We fuck and that’s it.” He wishes it wasn’t. “It’s convenient and easy and nothing else.” Changbin shakes his head as he packs up his things, throwing them into the plastic bag he’d brought it all in. “And you should remember who was desperate enough to kiss who first.”

Changbin snaps his mouth closed when he realizes it’s dropped open, teeth clicking together loudly as he stands. He can’t… really come back from that. Chan is right, like always. This all started because Changbin couldn’t control himself around Chan. He still can’t. So, instead of controlling himself and holding his tears in, he ties off his bag and leaves .

When he leaves the studio is left quiet, the only thing after the click of the door being the quiet hum of the computers running on the wall. Chan sits in it, letting himself simmer in his anger as he tries to take a few deep breaths. Something in his stomach twists and he feels it coiling angrily and biting at his ribs like a snake trying to punish him. He knows he’s being selfish, he has Changbin to satisfy his needs but he’s missing something. He needs something more from this but he’s not going to get anything from Changbin. Especially after this. His ears droop next to his head and he sighs softly, staring at the imprint left on the sofa cushion. A shadow of someone he thought he knew.

He wants to hold Changbin again. Like they used to. Like they had in college, tangled up in each other any chance they got. Soft touches and love lingering behind each other’s eyes and lips when they so much as glanced at each other. Jesus he fucked this up.

Chapter Text

Changbin wants to stay and work. He needs to, realistically. But he doesn’t think he can right now. He doesn’t think he can look Chan in the eye without his chest clenching up desperately with something he wishes he wasn’t feeling. This is too much like what they used to have. He can feel his eyes welling up and takes a deep breath before starting down the hall toward the elevators.

A notification pops up on his phone and Felix’s smiling face fills his screen with a phone call. He doesn’t want to talk to Felix. He desperately needs to talk to Felix. He needs the sunshine in his voice, but he doesn’t want to admit that he’s been doing exactly what he said he didn’t like. He doesn’t need that shame. Not that Felix would actually shame him, he would just feel it in every fiber of his being.

He answers the call anyway, pinching his phone between his shoulder and his ear so he can get his keys out of his pocket and scan his key card to get to the lobby.

“Hyung I know you’re working but I wanted to ask if you wanted to come over for dinner? I made too many cookies and wanna share.” He sounds distant like his phone is sitting out on the kitchen counter while he bakes.

“You’re sharing with me, isn’t that enough?” Jisung’s voice rings clear and Changbin feels part of himself deflate.

“Shhhhh you need to go to work, I already packed your cookies.” There’s a quiet thwap of a towel hitting Jisung and a small yelp before Changbin hears a door distantly open and close. “Sorry about him, he’s got a late shift tonight so it would just be you and I if you want.”

Changbin sighs, thinking for a moment if he should tell Felix over the phone or in person.

“I’m actually taking a half day at work, you mind if I just come over now?” He doesn’t mean to sound as… sad as he does but there’s no fighting it in his voice. Felix clearly picks up on it immediately and Changbin can hear him picking up the phone from where it’s resting.

“Yeah of course, are you okay?” His voice is so gentle as Changbin steps into the elevator. There’s a deer hybrid standing in the corner on their phone and Changbin suddenly feels self-conscious.

“Yeah. I’m coming from the office so I’ll be there in like twenty minutes.” He glances between the deer and the button panel, seeing the garage button is already illuminated. “I gotta go, Lix, thanks for letting me come over so last minute.” He keeps his voice low and leans into the corner of the elevator as far from the deer as possible.

“Of course, hyung. Text me if you have any requests for dinner, yeah?” Changbin can hear the smile in his voice and it makes his heart jump in his chest. He has so much love for this kid.

“And remember he’s still mine at the end of the night.” Jisung is not helping the way Changbin’s heart clenches in his chest. Changbin sighs quietly to himself before hanging up, dropping his phone into his pocket as he waits for the bell to sound and the doors of the elevator to open.

It feels like it takes forever for the elevator to get below ground but once it does, Changbin bolts out of the doors before the deer can move toward them, almost bumping into them in the process. He throws a half-mumbled apology over his shoulder as he fishes his keys out and sounds his horn. Tears are still fighting their way up into his eyes as he sits heavily in the driver’s seat. The car feels stuffy, even with how cold the interior is and he just wants to catch the breath that’s bubbling in his throat but refusing to move.

He can’t help when it escapes as a sob, tears finally breaking free and running down his cheeks in thick, steady, tracks. He’s been crying too much for this to be a surprise. It’s the same thing he went through in college. Falling for someone who just wants to use him and move on to someone else when he gets to be too intense for him. It’s the same thing over and over again.

Stupid that you fell into this shit again .

The same pattern he’s always fallen into. Catching feelings for a fling and it turning bad for both of them.

He takes a deep breath, scrubbing his hand over his face to wipe the tears away. His stomach rolls and he feels sick as he grips his steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. He doesn’t want to have to face these feelings again. He should’ve buried them when he graduated.

He hears his phone ping and glances down for a second before shaking his head. It’s probably Felix texting him about dinner. If he leaves him unanswered for too long Changbin knows Felix will start to worry so he grabs his phone despite the aching in his chest.

[chris]
Let me know when you get home.
Please?

Changbin stares at the text for a long while. It’s… Sweet. Chan has no reason to be kind to him. He’s made that much clear.  Just a stress relief when deadlines get to be too much. Physical company when neither of them can stand to be alone. But also then come the gentle touches, fingers brushing Chan’s hair out of his eyes when Changbin is riding him, a hand touching Changbin’s lower back when they squeeze by each other in the tight space of the studio, a too-tender kiss after they’ve both come down from their highs, both pretending they still need something from the other.

It feels like a relationship. Especially with Chan texting him like this. It’s… Too much to not be hopeful for what they could have been. Again .

He takes a deep breath, dropping his phone into the center console before starting the drive to Felix’s apartment. He doesn’t bother going into the garage, instead parking on the street and buzzing himself in with the code to the building. He’s able to get himself to stop crying by the time he gets into the thankfully empty elevator. He scrubs a hand over his face and tugs at his ear as he waits for the lift to reach Felix’s floor, sniffling tiredly to himself as he walks through the halls to the familiar apartment door. He hesitates reaching out to knock, feeling lead settle in his belly as he thinks about the kind of burden he’d be putting on Felix by showing up like this but the decision is made for him when the door swings open and Jisung nearly collides with Changbin as he rushes out.

“Oh shit- sorry, hyung, I gotta go.” It’s quick and before Changbin can respond Jisung is gone, leaving the front door open.

“Changbin hyung?” Felix’s voice calls from inside the apartment, snapping him out of the daze he’d caught himself slipping into after Jisung ran into him. “Hey, are you okay?” He’s closer now, having rounded around the counter toward the front door.

Changbin has half a mind to lie but he knows he doesn’t look okay. His eyes are puffy and red and there are unshed tears hanging onto his lashes and his lips are chewed almost raw from trying to keep himself from crying out loud in the car. His arms are wrapped around his body, making himself seem smaller in the doorway.

“C-can I come in?” His voice is weak as he refuses to make eye contact with Felix but before he can even make a move to step in Felix is throwing himself onto Changbin in a tight hug. It takes every ounce of Changbin’s control to hold himself together and not break down with how good it feels to be touched like this, his arms wrapping tightly around Felix’s middle.

“Of course, come on, I just got some cookies out of the oven.” Felix squeezes him tightly. It’s stupid, how this little touch sends tingles up his spine and makes his muscles melt away from his bones. It reminds him how Chan used to touch him when they were younger, tender and sweet like there was love beneath his skin.

“I’m sorry.” Changbin buries his face in Felix’s neck, his voice weak as he cries and grips the collie tightly.

“Hyung, why are you apologizing?” Felix just squeezes him tighter, taking half a step away to get them inside the apartment and close the door. He wraps himself around the bull again, letting his hands tangle in his black and white hair, scratching at his scalp gingerly. “What happened? And- you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, hyung.”

Changbin doesn’t want to talk about it. He needs to talk about it but he doesn’t want to dig around in that wound anymore. He doesn’t want to make himself bleed anymore he needs to fix himself and make the hurt stop .

“C-can I jus-just sit do-down for a bit?” Hiccuping sobs keep him from stringing a sentence together easily, tears flowing freely down his cheeks as Felix leads him in slowly, small hands stroking his broad back gingerly as the door closes behind them.

“Yeah, Changbin you don’t need to do anything. Do you want to cuddle for a bit?” Felix is so soft as he sits Changbin down on his sofa, plopping down next to him. Changbin can’t find it in himself to actually want to cuddle, his skin feels like it's sloughing off of his bones and burning as it goes. He sucks in a deep, shuddering breath as he shakes his head, wrapping his arms around his body to try to hold himself together. “That’s fine. Here, you want some cookies? Something to drink?”

A drink sounds nice . Changbin thinks as he nods, wiping his eyes when Felix brightens, smiling sweetly as he stands to go to the kitchen. He comes back with a plate of cookies and two bottles of peach-flavored soju to share.

He stops crying for a while after that, the cookies helping to soothe him as he drinks and drinks and drinks . Two bottles of soju turn to five and somewhere in the middle of the third Chanbin is back to crying.

“I-I’m not good enough for anyone.” He whimpers from his place where he’s slipped to sit in front of the sofa, feeling his heart shatter in his chest repeatedly as he looks back at the message left on his home screen.

“Changbin, stop thinking like that.” Felix is, for all his kindness, doing what he can to keep Changbin from tipping into doing something dangerous. 

They move from the couch to the kitchen where Felix feeds the bull food and water between drinks of liquor and Changbin can feel his heartbreak morphing into something meaner and he can’t stop himself from letting the anger run freely from his lips.

“He’s the fucking worst, I-I do all of this and give everything to him and you know what he asked me today?” He asks as he puts his chopsticks down. “He asked me if you were single.” Repeating it feels bitter, the little claws of heartbreak digging into his tongue as he tries not to make Felix seem like he’s the one at fault here.

“He– what?” The shock is clear in Felix’s voice as his brows knit together in confusion. “What the fuck is wrong with him.” He snatches the soju away from Changbin, taking a long drink from it.

“I know ! I told him you aren’t and he got fucking defensive! Like I was the one in the wrong to be getting mad!” Chan’s words ring through his mind as clearly as if he’s in the room again yelling about how Changbin is nothing and they aren’t anything to each other and Changbin can feel the anger melting away into the sharp pang of heartbreak laying its eggs in his lungs. “He– he treated me like-li-like I’m just.. Just something he can play with whenever he wants.”

Felix is quick to act once he starts crying again, pulling the pair of them from the kitchen back into the living room, and leaving him there as he steps into his bedroom for  something. Changbin, for his part, is set on the couch comfortably, wrapped in blankets and staring at the black TV when someone comes to the door. He hears Felix answer distantly, he sounds angry and for a moment Changbin worries the collie is angry at him .

“What the fuck is the matter with you, Chris?” English, something Changbin has a loose grasp on thanks to the time he spent with Chan and a sentence he said several times to the redhead himself. He hears some excuse from Chan and a moment of quiet arguing before Felix and Chan come over to him, a warm palm runs over his shoulders and up into his hair, making Changbin hum softly and shiver at the tingles it sends through his body.

“Hey, Bin.” Changbin stiffens at Chan’s voice, ears pinning back behind his head as he turns away from the other bull, scooting clear to the other end of the couch as best he can without the world spinning too much. “ Why did you have me come here, Lix, he’s still fucking mad at me.”

“Because, Chris, you made this fucking mess. You hurt him, again and I can’t be the one to help him through it again . You said it yourself, Chris, he’s still the same guy you hurt the first time around,” Changbin is too drunk to try to decipher what they’re saying, blowing a hard breath through his nose to show his displeasure. “Changbin-hyung, Chris is here to help you get home, okay?”

“Not him.” Changbin growls, keeping his arms and legs crossed and his back turned to the Bull.

“Stop being an ass, Changbin. I get why you’re mad but you need to grow up and stop being such a fucking dick about this.” Felix is stern as he stands by the door with his hands on his hips, significantly more sober than Changbin is.

“ I’ll stop being a dick when he does.” Changbin spits as he shakes Chan’s hand off his shoulder.

“ Nah fuck that. I’m going home.” Chan takes a step away and Changbin continues to glare, the denial making his stomach and heart twist up inside his body.

“ Both of you need to shut the fuck up! Jisung has the car and I’m too drunk to try take him home anyway, he can’t stay here. Take him, Christopher. And you— “ Felix whirls on Changbin, one sharply clawed finger pointing squarely between Changbin’s eyes. “Are too drunk to have anything good to say about anyone, stop making fucking demands and just go .”

Changbin pouts and then feels a clawed hand on his neck, scruffing him roughly and making him face Chan.

“I love you, Changbin but this is stupid. You’re being stupid. Go home with Chris he’ll make sure you get home safe.” The claws turn gentle on Changbin’s neck, stroking tender circles as Felix sighs. “Please, Changbin, for me? Do this for me so I know you’re safe?”

He doesn’t want to relent to this and give Chan any kind of satisfaction but Felix is being so sweet and his voice is maybe a little bit dangerous, playing into Changbin’s prey side more than he usually would. He lets out a sigh and his pout deepens.

“Fine… only cause I love you.” Changbin slurs as he stands to his feet, stumbling for a second as he finds his footing.

“Thank you, Changbinnie.” Felix coos as he kisses Changbin’s cheek. “As much as I would love to take you home, baby, I am too drunk to drive you.” He strokes a hand through Changbin’s hair before kissing his cheek again. “Be nice for Channie hyung, okay?”

Changbin whines as Felix starts to push him toward the other bull, maneuvering him around the couch with claws digging into his back as a mild threat. Changbin just groans as he approaches Chan, crossing his arms before stumbling into his shoes clumsily.

“Don’t be like that, Bin.” Chan sighs as he bends down to help him with his shoes. Changbin is too enamored with the sight to argue, arms falling to his side as he holds himself on his own feet. “There, now come on, I have your keys—“

“Don’t wreck my car.”

“I’m not gonna wreck your car.” Chan huffs as he puts his hands on his hips. “I have your keys, Felix gave me your address, let’s go, drunkie.” Changbin sways on his feet and pouts as he looks back at Felix, a little bit wet in his eyes since he doesn’t quite want to leave.

“Come here, you big baby, gimme a hug.” Felix opens his arms for Changbin to reach out and wrap his arms around him, squeezing tightly before letting him go. “Be good for Chris, he’s doing both of us a favor.” Felix pulls back, kissing Changbin’s cheek gently before spinning him back around to push him toward Chan again.

He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to sit in the car with Chan even for the five minutes it will take to get back to his building or the walk through his building up to his apartment. He doesn’t want to be that close to Chan again, he doesn’t want to have to face the feelings that he’s starting to realize as the hurt permeates deeper into his being. He shouldn’t be jealous that Chan would want to be with Felix. He shouldn’t be jealous of Chan sleeping with anyone. Chan isn’t his .

He wishes he was. Deep down in the part of him that Changbin wants to bury he knows he wants Chan to be his again. Even if Chan was never actually his he can pretend for a moment that he was. He can hope that he will be in the future, even if that hope is misguided.

Why would Chan want to be with him? He’s said it himself, Changbin is too temperamental, too sensitive, and fucking desperate. Not exactly the kind of partner anyone would want. He’s pathetic. Stupid, falling for someone who has repeatedly treated him like a toy and thrown him away when he was done playing with him. He’s stupid to endure the heartbreak over and over and over again.

But then he feels Chan’s hands on him, they’re gentle as they guide Changbin through the halls of the apartment building, one on his arm and the other holding his waist to keep him from stumbling too dramatically into the walls. Chan is calling him an idiot, chuckling the whole way before they both get into the elevator.

Chan stands next to the buttons and Changbin positions himself opposite him, leaning back against the railing as he stares at the other bull. He looks tired. More tired than he ever has. Maybe this whole situation is getting to him too. Changbin’s ears droop and he coils his tail defensively before sighing and moving to stand next to Chan.

“‘M sorry.” He mumbles softly, leaning himself into Chan’s warmth and resting his head on his shoulder. He doesn’t expect Chan to accept his apology or even acknowledge it, but Chan doesn’t pull away as Changbin turns so he can hook his chin over Chan’s shoulder and press his body into him. He feels a hand come to rest on his lower back, rubbing back and forth gingerly as Chan lays his head against Changbin’s.

It’s… Confusing. Chan had told him not a few hours ago that they were nothing , but now he’s being so gentle with him, touching him like he actually cares about him. Changbin wants to bite him or cry and kick and scream but for now, all he can bring his heavy limbs to do is wrap around Chan’s middle and hold onto him. Warm lips press to his temple and Changbin sighs, turning to return the kiss to Chan’s neck.

They don’t talk as they exit the building, nor as they drive to Changbin’s, save for parking directions and giving Chan the building code. Changbin doesn’t say a word as he pulls Chan through his apartment to the bedroom and forces him down onto the bed. He waits until he’s sitting in Chan’s lap, straddling him and staring down at him with a blank, studious expression as a million choices run through his mind from wanting to bend down to bite him or kiss him or strangle him. He finds a compromise in himself and just lays himself down on top of Chan’s body.

“‘M still mad at you.” He mumbles quietly, kissing Chan’s neck gingerly before he gets rolled onto his side by him.

“I know.” Chan’s hand comes to stroke through Changbin’s hair. “You’re allowed to be mad at me, Bin.” He whispers as he strokes Changbin’s body under his clothes. “Go to sleep, baby. Get some rest.”

“‘M sorry ‘m not very nice…” He mumbles as he pushes himself tighter into Chan’s space, pressing his nose into his neck as his arms wind tightly around his body. “Nothin’ is good right now.”

“I know…” Chan’s voice sounds hollow, his words meaningless as he continues to stroke his hands over Changbin’s body slowly. The delicate touch sends zips of pleasure radiating over his skin in waves of goosebumps and makes his ears twitch and swivel against his horns. His tail thumps against the bed and he pulls back to stare Chan in the face.

“Why’re you hurting me?” He doesn’t mean to ask it out loud, but it comes out before his alcohol-slowed tongue can stop it. “Why do you always hurt me when I just wanna love you?” He can feel the prickle of tears in his eyes as he forces himself to sit up and lean over Chan. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted from you and all you ever do is hurt me.” His voice begins to shake and the tears begin to fall from his eyes, landing on Chan’s cheeks.

Chan, who won’t look him in the eye and instead is staring at something on his shirt. Chan whose hands have stilled on his body. Stupid, beautiful, Chan who has always done the same thing when Changbin tears himself apart to show his heart and lays himself bare at Chan’s feet. Chan, who leaves him cold and desperate and brings Changbin his warmth only when he finds it suitable. Chan who won’t ever love him back.

“Please say something.” Changbin’s voice is soft and his face is placid as he stares down at Chan before he brings a hand to grab the other bull by the face and make him look Changbin in the eye. His gaze is empty, an undercurrent of something akin to fear rolling through his eyes but otherwise Chan is placid. It’s infuriating how unaffected he seems by everything.

“Go to sleep, Bin.” His voice is soft as he brings his hand to stroke the tears away from his eyes.

He’s not going to get anything out of Chan. Changbin isn’t sure why he even bothers expecting something when Chan has never given him anything. Changbin takes a deep, shaking breath before releasing Chan’s face and flopping down with his back to Chan. He’s too fucking drunk and tired to fucking deal with it. Chan sleeping in his bed is a problem for morning Changbin to deal with.

But when morning comes Chan isn’t in bed anymore. Changbin’s head hurts, his mouth is dry and he can’t breathe through his nose. His eyes sting with the remnants of crying himself to sleep in Chan’s arms. When he sits up he can hear his coffee machine running through his open bedroom door, he can’t see Chan but he can hear him making something in the kitchen, the smell of something hot on the stove pulls Changbin more out of his sleep and hangover addled headspace. He stays in bed, dressed in the same clothes he wore to work and he feels… sweaty, gross, cold. He takes a second to take a couple of deep breaths before forcing himself out of bed, fighting the sandpaper sensation in his eyes as he blinks and rolls them around as best he can without getting dizzy. He doesn’t say anything as he closes his bedroom door and gets himself to the bathroom for a shower.

Decency now is a silly thing. Chan has seen him naked, bent over a desk with his cum pouring from his hole but now he’d rather not be seen. At least… he thinks he doesn’t. Until even standing in the warm, steam-filled room he feels cold and empty. He steps out of the bathroom with naught but a towel around his waist and goes to the kitchen to grab Chan by his wrist, not pulling or tugging yet, just holding him and waiting patiently for him to finish what he’s doing and turn the stove off.

“You need to shower too.” Is all Changbin says as he tugs on Chan’s wrist. The redhead hesitates and Changbin, for a moment, thinks that this could be a mistake. But then Chan is coming with him, feet shuffling over the carpet until they’re both in the bathroom. Again, Chan hesitates as Changbin drops his towel and steps into the water, only removing his clothes once Changbin has his back to him.

The shower barely has enough room for both of them to fit, but they make it work. The touch stays innocent, Changbin shampoos Chan’s hair, like he used to when they were younger. Chan strokes Changbin’s spots as he washes him with his loofah, fingers tracing the borders of the white sections that he scrubs hesitantly. They don’t say anything, lips sealed together as they rinse away everything. Chan leaves a feather-light kiss on Changbin’s cheek before stepping out of the shower to dry himself. Changbin tells him he can borrow his clothes. Funny, he used to be the one borrowing clothes, swimming in Chan’s hoodies and shirts, he thinks Chan might be in that position now, though their builds aren’t too variable between them.

Changbin takes his time after Chan leaves, letting the water run through his hair and down his body, hot enough to relax his tense muscles and settle his stomach where it’s rumbling and revolting quietly over his choice of drinking on a mostly empty stomach. When he steps out of the bedroom he sees Chan in the kitchen wearing his clothes, an old t-shirt that doesn’t fit quite right anymore and a pair of Changbin’s sweats slung low on his hips, he’s ladling a bowl of whatever it is that he made before he turns back to see Changbin standing there. His hair is still dripping onto his shoulders, the curls starting to return around his ears and along his fringe.

“Don’t take too long coming into work.” Chan starts as he nudges a bowl and spoon toward Changbin. “We have a deadline.”

He turns back to the stove to put the lid on the pot, leaving the kitchen to grab his clothes and exit the apartment. Changbin sighs deeply when he’s left alone with his bowl of hangover soup and a glass of water in a cup Changbin had forgotten he’d had. Badtz Maru glares at him from the side of the blue plastic cup, head cocked and eyelids heavy as if he’s asking Changbin why the fuck he’s going through all of this. He groans as he leans on his elbows on the counter, letting himself slide until his forehead meets the cold of the countertop.

Why is he doing this to himself? Torturing himself over and over and over again as he falls in love with the same man who doesn’t want anything from him but his body. Because he loves him? That’s not enough of a reason anymore.

Chapter Text

Changbin doesn’t smoke in his car. He rolls the windows down and lets the hand holding his lit cigarette dangle over the side of the car, even in the cold.

He remembers everything he said. Everything Chan didn’t say. Every touch that held hesitation and a promise of nothing. He remembers Chan’s hands lingering on his body in the shower and the way his lips felt on his skin the night before.

Changbin doesn’t smoke in his car.

He stares at the text Chan sent him yesterday as he takes a drag from his cigarette, blowing smoke through tight lips before sitting up a little straighter in his seat.

What right does Chris have? Yanking Changbin back and forth by his heart like this only to give him nothing when Changbin admits something he barely even admits to himself.

It’s exhausting. Changbin can’t find it in himself to want to step away though. He loves Chan. He’ll admit it now that he’s said it out loud, he’s in love. He always has been, even when Chan treats him like shit he feels this unending tether to the other bull.

He takes another drag, adjusting his hand on the steering wheel before flicking the remnants of the dart out onto the pavement. It’s dark, the sun having long since left the city to be illuminated by neon and fluorescence humming tiredly away under skyscrapers and decades-old buildings that by all accounts shouldn’t be standing anymore.

That morning, after he’d left Changbin’s apartment, Chan had greeted him at the office with a paper cup of hot peppermint tea and a bottle of painkillers in front of his station. They didn’t speak. At all. Nothing either of them could say would have brought anything to light that they didn’t already know. They worked, silently save for when they spoke to other team members, both too embroiled in their own work to think of any talking at all.

He’d taken another half day in the office under the guise of not wanting to fight with the poor weather that had been predicted, promising to clock on again when he got home to finish the work he needed to. He couldn’t spend another hour in the office, stationed right next to Chan who wouldn’t even look at him.

It was 6 when he got the text.

[chris]
come over?

He shouldn’t have. But he agreed, taking a long time to get ready, showering, prepping himself, not bothering to dress himself up to leave his house.

The light changes to green and Changbin continues the drive across the city to Chan’s place. He regrets tossing his cigarette. He pats the pocket of his jacket with the hand on his shifter before sighing. He’ll need to get a new carton on his way home. Maybe he can ask Jisung to grab him some before the next car meet.

Streetlights pass him with every block he drives, casting stripes of shadow and light across his face in a way that feels almost scripted. Everything is washed in cold, the air, the lights, everything feels like it’s turned its back on him, left him to make this mistake on his own. He’s been making mistakes since he was in high school so no part of this is new to him. Not even the man he’s doing it with or the reasons he’s doing it.

He parks on the street some distance away, grumbling to himself as he gets out to pay the meter, stuffing his hands in his pockets to fight the biting cold and small snowflakes falling and melting on the street as he walks to the building’s door. A text gets him buzzed in, no response from Chan, just a buzz and the building door unlocks. He hates how automatic this feels like he’s moving without any real meaning and without any control, stepping into the building and then the elevator. The door sings to him like it always does when it slides open, telling him to turn around, go home, never come back. He itches with wanting to as his finger hovers over the age-yellowed button.

It’s all going to be the same as it always has been, Chan forcing him down into whatever position he wants, getting his satisfaction from Changbin like a dog with a piece of meat. Changbin knows he’s more than just that. He’s not just a toy or something to gnaw on when things get hard. He blinks as he stares at the number on the panels inside the elevator, taking back control as he presses his knuckle squarely in the center of the 8. The button sticks for a moment before popping free like it always does and the elevator doors sing to him again that this is a mistake, go home, things won’t be the same after this.

He blows a breath hard enough through his nose that he feels his sinuses shake with it, shaking his head and wiggling his ears to try to brush off the nerves settling over him like the mist settling over the city. The single fluorescent bulb overhead buzzes as he stares at the close door button. The floor bell tolls his arrival, a symbol that the end of everything he had nad had been is done. He can almost feel the hand on the back of his neck trying to pull him away and he exits the elevator, walking with ease through the building, punching the code into Chan’s lock, waiting for the delayed whirring and click of the lock disengaging.

Chan is waiting for him on the couch as he enters, glancing up from the phone in his hand as Changbin toes out of his shoes and approaches him. A hand comes to touch his hip as he steps to straddle the other bull, looking down at him as a second hand joins the first. Both wrap around his legs and Chan sits up, pressing his body flush to Changbin’s. The air feels like it’s thrumming as Changbin watches Chan hold him, phone abandoned on the couch cushions and he can’t help but bring his hands to tangle in Chan’s hair, stroking through the red curls reverently before gripping them and turning Chan so he can look him in the eye.

He looks tired. Just as exhausted as Changbin feels in every part of his being and the undercurrent of fear still swims in his eyes. Changbin moves to plant one knee on the sofa, wordlessly climbing into Chan’s lap and settling there without breaking eye contact. They’ve done this for so long they don’t need words anymore. It’s a bit ridiculous. To have loved someone for so long in so many ways that you no longer need words to feel their emotions. All without them ever loving you back. At least, not out loud. Not with words that they no longer need. Touch can only do so much. Kisses and lingering hands are no longer enough because they never were enough.

Changbin leans down to press his lips into Chan’s, tender and sweet and tasting like pineapple like they always do. He sighs and lets his body sag into Chan, arms loosening and falling so they’re just dangling behind Chan’s head as Chan’s hands begin to wander. They take a familiar path over his ass, giving generous squeezes before falling to his thighs where they’re already spread. Chan hums into the kiss and pushes Changbin down to sit on his thighs, opening his mouth as Changbin pulls his arms back to shed his jacket, dropping it on the back of the sofa as Chan introduces his tongue to Changbin’s lips, bullying his way into Changbin’s mouth as his hands turn hungrier, gripping at Changbin’s body and pulling at his shirt. He doesn’t need to be told twice before he’s stripping, beckoning Chan to do the same with hands tangled in the back of his shirt as he reconnects their lips. He bites and suckles as Chan makes him wait, asking for something as he waits but all he gets is a grunt and Chan’s body twitching toward him. He doesn’t need to say the words as Chan backs away to strip out of his shirt, eyes landing back on Changbin’s body where his hands begin to stroke over his spots.

The love in his touch is absurd for how hungry his eyes are. The difference between what Changbin is seeing and feeling is dizzying. He wants things to be easier. He wants so many things but his mind goes blank when Chan gets his hands on Changbin’s chest, groaning as he grips at the flesh and gives a shake. He loses himself when a thumb brushes over his nipple, sending a shock of pleasure through his body that has him trembling in Chan’s arms with the fight to not grind on him already. His body wants to move of it’s own accord, wants to feel the shape of Chan against him. He uses every ounce of himself to hold back, shaking as Chan’s lips begin to kiss down his neck and onto his chest, biting and sucking marks that will disappear before the night is out. He runs his tongue along Changbin’s neck and Changbin doesn’t think too hard about the implications, letting his mouth drop open into a moan as his head tips back and his eyes close.

Chan’s hands continue to stroke ove rhis body, his touch changing from reverent and hungry to downright carnal, grabbing what flesh he can as if Changbin is going to run away from him if he doesn’t hold him tight enough. Ironic, considering he’s the man who’s been running. Lips attach to his left nipple and Changbin gasps, chest arching up into the touch as his hands come grip Chan’s hair tightly, tugging like he knows he likes.

“Fuck, baby.” Chan slurs around his nipple, hips rocking up so Changbin has no choice but to feel his arousal, barely hard but enough that it’s nudging against the inside of his leg. It never takes much for Chan to get hard. Kissing, touching, pulling, grabbing. Changbin wonders for a moment if he gets hard this quickly for other partners before Chan is biting his nipple, not too hard, just rolling the hard bud between his teeth that has Changbin moaning again, pushing himself into it. He bends himself so he can rut his hips into Chan’s, groaning at the friction on his own neglected member before Chan is reaching a hand between them, palming himself as he pulls back to start working his gym shorts down his thighs. His other hand grabs Changbin by the shoulder and starts to push him back, forcing Changbin to fall to the floor on his knees as elegantly as he can. He spreads his knees and arches his back to kick his ass out and feels his heart thrumming in his chest and rushing through his ears as he stares up at Chan, shoulders barely fitting between his knees as he waits for what he knows is coming. He blinks up at Chan and waits for the hand in his hair, it’s tender, not enough to be considered gentle but it’s not pulling him onto Chan’s dick like it used to. It guides him by the back of his head to where Changbin can press his nose into Chan’s shaft, humming and flagging his tail as he opens his lips and begins to suckle at the side, moaning as he gets his tongue on it. He tastes the same as he always has, clean and salty when his tongue gets to the tip. He’s not even completely hard and his cock is already leaking precum.

Slut .

Changbin admonishes both of them in his head, the pain of what this really is trickling down his spine before he sets himself to distraction, bobbing his head once he gets the tip of Chan’s dick into his mouth. He starts slowly, dragging his lips over Chan as his tongue curls around what his lips can’t reach, squeezing as he hollows his cheeks to suck a little bit harder. He pulls back for a moment to lock eyes with Chan where the redhead has leaned against the back of the sofa, lounging as he watches Changbin making out with his cock, kissing and slurping around the skin and running his teeth gingerly along the sensitive underside of the tip. It twitches and Changbin brings a hand to hold it in place as he continues to kiss and moan around it, tongue working along the frenulum before he dives back down to suck him down his throat.

Chan curses again and Changbin keeps his eyes on him, moaning around the mouthful and a half that is Chan’s dick. A hand comes to hold his horn, not pulling, tugging, just holding him as Changbin sucks and bobs slowly, keeping his eyes locked on the underside of Chan’s jaw where his head has tipped back and his eyes have no doubt closed., they always do. Chan can’t look at him when he’s like this, he’s never been able to even when they were in college. So Changbin pulls off, goes back to kissing the shaft as he strokes it slowly, kissing and lapping at the base before reaching his tongue under to run over his balls. Chan hisses and lifts his head, making eye contact with Changbin again as he goes back to suckling at the tip, groaning as it finishes filling out and starts burning a bright red at the tip.

Another curse and Chan begins tugging on his horn, pulling him off of his cock and onto the couch next to him, pushing him to kneel with his head hung over the back and his knees digging into the cushion. It’s not long before a pair of hurried hands are on the waistband of his jeans and underwear, tugging them down enough to expose his ass before coming back up to spread his cheeks. He lifts his tail, flagging it so the longest hairs brush along his back and Chan can see the way his hole winks and twitches with anticipation for what’s coming. The underside of his tail is still matted with lube and Changbin feels all the more lewd for it, sighing when one of Chan’s thumbs brushes over his hole. He digs his hands into the cushion his chest is pressing against, moaning as the digit presses into his hole, barely getting in to the knuckle, his moan morphs into a moo as he starts to shake and his cock begins to fill out more where it hangs between his thighs. He whines and digs his teeth into the cushion, trying to muffle himself when Chan adds his other thumb, pulling them apart and stretching his hole before spitting into it. Changbin gasps at the sensation, a shiver running up his spine as his eyes roll back in his head. He reaches a hand back to reach for some part of Chan, wanting to feel more than his hands, grabbing blindly at nothing as he feels Chan’s face press into his ass, tongue rubbing against his open hole hungrily. His hand catches on Chan’s horn, tugging it as his tongue works into him and against his prostate, making Changbin groan low in his throat at the pleasure that washes over him. Chan shifts onto his knees and his hands move from holding his hole open to just spreading his cheeks, squeezing and playing with his ass as he licks and sucks at Changbin’s hole. He changes from just having his tongue in Changbin’s hole to almost making out with it, sucking and kissing at him as he groans lewdly against his skin.

Changbin has never understood how Chan can be so backward with his pleasure. Most men, when they ask someone to come over it’s because they want to take their own pleasure from whoever they’re with. Chan, at least with Changbin, has always put his pleasure last if they have the time and place for it, opting to have Changbin coming with his tongue buried in his ass or in his mouth before he gets his cock anywhere near Changbin’s hole.

He doesn’t need to understand it to enjoy it, though and he takes all the pleasure he can, grinding his hips back to feel the tip of Chan’s nose pressing against the base of his tail, adding another level of pleasure to everything.

Maybe he does understand it. The need to give someone pleasure and put himself second. It’s what led Changbin to seek Chan out the first time, the admiration for him and the want to give him anything he could desire. Funny, how their roles have changed. Even in this moment, Changbin can feel the shift, his want for control over what Chan can and can’t have.

He pushes himself up, getting his face out of the cushions as he keeps a hold on Chan’s horn, holding him in place so he can grind his hips more effectively, using all of his weight to nearly sit on Chan’s face. He spreads his knees a little wider, bringing his other hand from the back of the sofa to grab Chan by his other horn, arching his back as he lets his head tip back. It feels so fucking good, having Chan at his mercy like this. He groans and shudders as Chan’s tongue works back into his hole, stretching it with the girth of the muscle as the tip works against his prostate. His cock is already hardened, beginning to leak precum down his shaft in thick globs with every brush of his tongue into Changbin’s prostate. He slurs a curse as he draws his tongue back, leaning away when Changbin releases his horns. There’s a hand between Changbin’s shoulders, pushing him down as he feels the heat of Chan crowding into his space, the wet, blunt head of his cock nudging against his buttcheek.

“Lube.” Changbin grunts out as he folds himself over so he’s leaning against the back of the couch again. The hands are gone quickly, leaving him there with enough time to turn back to face Chan’s bedroom door with lips dropped open and breaths coming labored as he stares at the redhead. Chan strips completely out of his shorts before coming back, dropping the lube unceremoniously onto the sofa as he stands over Changbin, seeming like he’s trying to regain some of the power he once had over him. Changbin doesn’t move from his place, leaning back on the couch as he lifts his left leg and continues to stroke his cock. He doesn’t need prep or any of this foreplay. He just needs Chan to believe that he has the power in his hands.

Changbin grabs the lube, uncapping it as he keeps his eyes locked on Chan’s, he takes his time drizzling lube onto his palm, spreading it over his fingers before he gets two into himself right down to the knuckle. He groans as he wiggles his fingers and massages his walls, mouth falling open at the pleasure of it. Chan doesn’t move from where he stands over him, stroking his own cock as he watches Changbin finger himself. Changbin can tell he thinks he’s in charge, smirking as he gets a third finger into himself and groans as the squelch of lube fills the room and drowning out any other thought from his head other than the need to get Chan inside of him. He doesn’t say anything as his mouth falls open again, wordless moans falling past his lips as Chan drops to his knees in front fo him, still stroking his cock before batting Changbin’s hand away to line the head of his dick against his hole. He thrusts without much preamble, the head of his cock pushing in quickly, filling him and punching Changbin’s breath out of him.

It almost feels wrong, to be able to look Chan in the eye as he fucks him, they never have sex like this. It’s always too intimate for what they are. But Changbin wants that. He needs the intimacy. He’s going to do whatever he can to take it.

He moves his hands from holding his leg and stroking his cock to grab Chan by the back of his hair, dragging his face down to capture him in a hard kiss, all teeth and tongue and longing behind his gums. He groans when Chan’s hips buck, seeming of their own mind, driving his cock against Changbin’s prostate before bullying deeper into him. Chan pulls back enough to curse, hands moving from where they’d been holding him up against the sofa to grip Changbin’s thighs, his touch bruising and burning with desire where he grabs and holds as tightly as he can. He tries to bury his face in Changbin’s neck but the grip on his hair keeps him firmly in place, eyes locked on Changbin as he pulls back slowly. He pauses for a moment with just the tip of his cock in Changbin before thrusting in hard enough to move the whole sofa, its feet scraping along the wooden floor in harmony with Changbin moaning, pleasure washing over him as he holds eye contact

The fear he’s expecting to see is gone. It’s replaced with something Changbin can’t name floating under the haze of lust and arousal. He smirks, feeling his lips touch Chan’s with how close they are, their breath mingling with every punched groan coming from each of their mouths. Chan picks up the pace, thrusting harder and harder as he grips Changbin tighter, meeting his gaze as if it were a challenge. Changbin knows this isn’t a challenge, this is a demand. He’s demanding everything he can get from Chan. His body, his gaze, his soul if he can. He’s tired of asking for what he wants. Chan’s hands move again to grip the back of his thighs, pushing Changbin’s knees up to his chest to start fucking him faster at an angle that makes Changbin’s eyes roll back in his head as he moos out loud. His grip tightens on Chan’s hair as he feels precum leaking onto his abdomen, matting down his happy trail and spreading over the rolls of his stomach and into his tits. Another thrust has another wave of precum leaking and Changbin can feel pleasure starting to burn in his hips. He moves to press his fott into Chan’s shoulder, pushing him back and loosening his grip on his hair enough to let him go. He doesn’t break eye contact or say a word as he rolls them so Chan is sitting at the edge of the couch, groaning when he feels Chan’s cock slip out of him.

“Back.” He orders as he pushes Chan to sit back properly, scooting up the couch on his knees until he’s able to get a grip on Chan’s cock between his legs. He gives it a few idle pumps before adjusting the way he’s holding him to start to sink back onto him. Chan flexes his hands as he stares between them at where his cock disappears into Changbin’s ass.

This position was always a weakness for Chan when they were younger. He rarely lasted more than a couple of bounces when Changbin was a tiny little twink. He wonders if that’s changed at all, bringing his hand to hold Chan by the face, seating his chin in the curve between his thumb and forefinger and gripping his cheeks as he forces Chan to meet his eyes and starts to ride. The redheads face goes lax, save for where his brows knit together and his eyes try to close. He can’t even look at Changbin like this.

Fucking bastard.

Changbin does his best to keep the admonishment behind his teeth as he rolls his hips in circles, savoring the way Chan’s cock rubs all the right parts of him and has him moaning into Chan’s open mouth.

“Fuck baby.” Chan groans, hands coming to grab at Changbin’s waist as he pushes himself up to kiss Changbin. He tries to thrust his hips up but Changbin uses his weight to hold him down, growling as he rides Chan harder, moaning into the kiss as he begins picking himself up and dropping into Chan’s lap hard enough to have the couch creak under them. He brings both hands to grip Chan by his face, biting his lips and starting to build a slow rhythm with his hips, raising and dropping in Chan’s lap as he does. He feels something wrap around his heart as Chan’s arms wrap around his waist, holding him tightly as they kiss, tongues playing together before Chan tips his head back, disconnecting their lips and falling out from where Changbin’s palms had been holding him. He brings one hand to grab the back of Chan’s head, forcing him to look him in the eye. It’s not something Chan ahs ever granted himt he dignity of when they’d fucked before so it’s something Changbin is going to take for himself now.

Chan groans when their eyes meet and he pushes himself up to kiss Changbin, lips desperate for anything Changbin will give him. But it’s empty, just a need for sex and release, not anything like what Changbin is seeking out. It hurts. Knowing that he actually does love Chan but Chan will never love him back the way he needs. But he keeps going, he doesn’t stop riding him as he holds Chan’s face and kisses him back, love and adoration pouring through his lips as Chan kisses and bites and licks everything he can. He can feel his orgasm building between his hips as one of Chan’s hands comes to stroke his cock where it leaks precum between them. He bucks up into it in time with rocking his hips down on Chan’s cock, whimpering and moaning into his lips all high and needy like he does as his orgasm approaches. He can feel Chan trying to take control but he doesn’t let him, growling as his hand shifts from Chan’s cheek down to hold him by his throat, not squeezing just holding him there as the beginning of his orgasm starts to wash over him. His bucks into Chan’s hand turn wild as he feels himself coming, hot, white splashing up Chan’s stomach onto his chest.

He comes too much, always has, it’s a problem when they don’t have the time to clean up or are in places they really shouldn’t be doing this in but Changbin finds it only right for Chan to be covered in his spend right now, as he’s trying to claim him as his own. He doesn’t stop riding as he comes, even as his hips stutter and his moans turn to grunts of overstimulation, he keeps riding harder than he had before. He knows it might take a little while to get Chan to come but he couldn’t care less, he has control over him now, he has every part of Chan beholden to him and he is going to ride him for all that he’s worth. His breath begins to get ragged and his throat raw as he holds Chan and presses their foreheads together. He must have been closer than Changbin could tell because after a moment Chan’s hands come to grip his waist, guiding Changbin gently to ride him faster, bouncing on burning legs as Chan’s hips buck and twitch uncontrollably with his impending orgasm.

“Fuck-fuck-I-I’m gonna..” He squirms almost like he wants to pull out but Changbin seats himself firmly onto him, grinding his hips in slow circles to make sure as Chan comes every drop stays inside him. It’s funny, how it doesn’t feel like anything, not beyond the twitching of Chan’s dick and the hot breath of a wordless groan into Changbin’s open mouth that gets silenced with a heady, needy kiss.

He doesn’t know when it starts but at some point, Changbin begins to cry, fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he lets go, relents his need for control for the need to be loved. He kisses Chan like he’s never going to kiss him again, his heart clenching in his chest and pulling him away as sobs hiccup from his lips, unstoppable even as Changbin wishes he could keep them in. He sniffles and the tears keep falling, another sob breaks through as he kisses Chan again, his own lips salty with his tears before he pulls back and just stares at him. He can’t keep himself or his desires at bay as he brings both hands to hold Chan’s cheeks, feeling the hands on his waist tighten for a moment before releasing him.

“Please…” It almost doesn’t come out, his mouth sticky and throat raw from crying swallowing the vowels and leaving just consonants to voice his message. He’s not above begging, not anymore. Not with how badly he needs Chan to love him again. They’d been in love once. They can do it again. They have to do it again.

He opens his eyes and locks onto Chan’s. They’re barely open, staring at Changbin’s lips as he sits there, catching his breath. Changbin swears for a moment that he sees tears glistening on Chan’s lash line. But then he blinks and it’s gone. Anything that might have given away any kind of emotion Chan could be feeling is lost and Changbin’s heart aches and yearns and feels like it’s being eaten at by a cancer. Funny, how love can be like that, starting small and evolving into something that eventually swallows you whole. Changbin wants to cut it out, to free himself of the cancer and the pain of loving Chan. He can’t. Even when Chan treats him like this he can’t no matter how much he tries.

So he doesn’t. He pulls himself off of Chan and stands, ignoring the cum dripping down his legs as he wipes the tears from his face with one hand and he feels his skin buzzing from the loss of contact. He backs away, grabbing his clothes from the floor and redressing himself, checking the time on his phone. He’s barely been here half an hour. Changbin scoffs under his breath as he turns away before being stopped short by a hand on his wrist.

“Don’t.. Don’t go.”

Why shouldn’t I? Changbin wants to ask out loud, throw back in Chan’s face everything he’s made Changbin suffer through for months. But he can’t find it in himself to be strong enough to. So he just turns his head back and stares at Chan. Chan who hasn’t moved from where he’s sitting on the sofa, still breathing hard as if he’s the one who’s just been doing unprompted cardio. Chan, who is staring at him like Changbin just kicked his dog.

Changbin pulls his hand free, shaking his head as he steps away, looking Chan over for a moment before turning to go through his bedroom to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and towel. He comes back to the living room to find Chan already standing, like he’s assumed Changbin is going to shower with him.

“Clean yourself up.” He shoves the linens into Chan’s hands and backs away before Chan can do anything to try to get him to stay, turning to leave.

And he does! Leave, that is. At least, he tries to until he gets to the lobby and sees that the entire street is obscured by heavy snowfall. That light sprinkling that he had encountered on his way over had turned into the blizzard they had been warned about while he was with Chan. The sidewalk and street are beginning to be blanketed white with snow, parked cars have the beginnings of what will no doubt be thick layers by morning and have windshield wipers sweeping fast across the glass if they’re being driven. Every part of him freezes up as he stares out at the snowflakes falling on the other side of the glass.

This can’t be happening . Changbin had assumed when they had mentioned a blizzard that it would end up being a flurry and nothing more. An hour or two of light snowfall at most. Weather he could drive in. As safe as his car is to drive, he doesn’t want to try his tires in the snow right now. So he stands in the lobby and stares out at the street, contemplating getting a taxi home. Then his phone buzzes in his pocket.

[chris]
you shouldnt drive in that

It’s almost like he’s inside Changbin’s head, the same way he has been since college, needling his thoughts and predicting what he’s going to be thinking before he can think it.

[me]
can i come back up?

[chris]
if you want to

[me]
dont have much choice do i?

He doesn’t want to admit defeat and go back. The elevator laughs at him as the door closes and seals his fate. Perpetually stuck being in Chan’s space even when he’s trying to pry himself free.

He doesn’t wait for the text back, letting himself back into Chan’s apartment where he can hear the other bull is already showering behind the closed bedroom door. He looks around and starts to feel uncomfortable in his own clothes. He can wait for Chan to finish before washing himself. But he has to busy himself somehow. He hasn’t eaten anything since the kimbap he’d had for lunch and even then, that wasn’t very much. He starts to dig through Chan’s pantry, digging out two instant ramen cups.

As he “cooks” he hears Chan finish his shower, taking the time to eat his own ramen and set Chan’s on the counter to finish the three minute wait before Chan joins him at the counter. His hair is wet, still dripping some and he’s undressed save for sweats slung low on his hips. Changbin tracks his eyes over the redness from the heat of the shower before pulling his eyes away and looking back down at his cup of noodles. He doesn’t look up again until he’s finished eating, drinking the too-salty broth and still-crunchy vegetable mix at the bottom of the styrofoam before tossing it into the trash.

“You should shower too.” Chan’s voice is soft as he looks up from his own cup, almost tentative in how he regards Changbin. He wants to say no but a shower is something he needs right now. So he nods, shucking his jacket and hanging it by the front door.

“Thanks.” He mumbles as he steps into the bedroom and closes the door behind himself. He doesn’t need Chan’s help with a shower this time. He’s been here enough times to feel familiar with everything. He takes his time with it, letting the hot water steam his hair and release the tension he doesn’t realize he’s holding until it’s already gone. He cleans himself thoroughly, trying to erase any mark that Chan had ever been inside him. He can’t do anything for the teeth marks around his nipple other than sigh and make a face. It’s fine, not the worst thing to deal with after they’ve fucked.

He steps back into the bedroom to find a set of clothes folded on the bed for him. His own clothes, he realizes as he sees the logo on the shirt. Changbin sniffs a small laugh, he’d been looking for these clothes for what feels like forever. He slides into his briefs and the sweats that aren’t his because Chan is wearing his, foregoing the shirt as he walks back out into the living room and sees Chan sitting at the counter, hunched over what remains of his noodles. His shape is absurd, broad at the shoulders and defined all along his back. Changbin can see the knobs of his spine between the muscles and almost remarks that Chan needs to eat more. He doesn’t, though, instead he grabs his phone from the table and goes to sit on the sofa as Chan speaks to him.

“You can… you can sleep in the be–”
“I’d rather sleep on the couch, if it’s all the same.” Neither of them deserve the intimacy of sharing a bed. Changbin decides he doesn’t deserve the comfort of a bed either, having stooped to Chan’s level of greed.

“Okay.” He’s grateful that Chan relents, defeat evident in his voice as he finishes his noodles and stands to get linens from the cupboard.

This never should have happened.

Chapter Text

Changbin is glad Chan hadn’t fought him about sleeping on the couch. He’s grateful for the fresh linens and the soft pillow he knows Chan prefers to sleep with.

It smells too much like him to be anything other than his favorite.

The top of the pillowcase is even torn slightly, probably from Chan’s horns where he tosses and turns when he can’t sleep.

The bathroom had a spare toothbrush for him after he came back, too kind a gesture for either of them for it to not mean something. Funny how their “nothing” seemed to become “something” overnight. Changbin wonders for a moment if Chan’s mother had anything to do with this change. She had always liked to see them together.

But she’s thousands of miles away, back in Australia where the people she loves love her back.

And Changbin is here sitting up on her son’s couch, scrolling through his phone in the dark.

3:34AM

Changbin almost scoffs out loud at the time, lip curling for a moment as he glances back toward Chan’s bedroom. He’s asleep, snoring loud enough for Changbin to hear it through the closed door while Changbin has been up all night, watching the blizzard fall from howling winds and blinding snow to lazy flakes falling from the nearly black clouds.

He takes a deep breath as he turns back to the window to watch where the flakes have stopped falling. He feels part of himself seize up and his chest gets tight as he recognizes what’s coming.

Or at least what had come the first time.

No warning. No preamble. No goodbye .

Just a cold bed at 3 AM and Chan long since boarded a flight out of the country.

Changbin feels something curl up in a ball in his chest, swarming itself around his esophagus and crawling up the back of his tongue, trying to get into his mouth like a ball of moths seeking light.

He stands quietly, then walks from the living room to the kitchen, digging through Chan’s cabinets for a glass so he can drink something and quell the moths. Pochaco stares him in the face when he opens the cabinet next to the fridge. Changbin turns the glass he’s dancing on around and grabs the plain one just behind it. He doesn’t need to remember what they didn’t have in college. Or his own matching cup with Badtz-Maru that still hides deep within his cupboards.

He goes to the sink, filling his glass with tap water before going to grab his cigarettes and lighter from his jacket pocket. One dart left. Enough for now. He forgoes putting the whole jacket on, slipping his feet into his boots once he gets to Chan’s balcony door so he doesn’t freeze his toes off in the snow that has collected on the ground outside. He closes the door behind himself as quietly as he can so he can just have a moment in the cold, lighting his last cigarette in the box as he stares out over the hazy city.

It’s funny how the cold can change so much in a city. It’s dark, but everything feels like it’s saying ‘ I told you so. How could you be so stupid? ’ He takes a drag and blows the smoke through his nose, following it up with a sip of water that’s metallic and filled with who-knows-what— Bitter punishment for letting himself do this all over again. However, the act itself is punishment enough. Loving someone who can’t find it in themselves to love you back burns more than anything carcinogens could do to his body.

The moths flip over in his chest and flutter back into his stomach, coating everything in their wing dust and leaving him feeling hollow and full all at once. He wants to be sick but is hungry all the same. He takes another drag and another sip of water, sucking it through his teeth to feel the sting of sensitivity. He doesn’t notice the balcony door open until there’s a voice behind him.

“What’re you doing up?” Chan will always find him. Changbin sighs and turns around to lean back on the railing, leaning on his elbows with the glass of water held loosely in one hand and his cigarette in the other.

“Needed some air.” He motions with his cigarette to the snow-covered city behind him as he looks over Chan wrapped in his duvet but otherwise dressed in just his sleep pants. His hair is wild from his tossing and his eyes look heavy with sleep as they land on his hand.

“When did you start smoking?” The door slides closed behind him as Chan steps into the snow in house slippers.

You’re gonna catch a cold .

“Things got hard after you left.” He takes a long drag, as if to prove a point, blowing the smoke from the corner of his lips. “This was harder to quit than drinking.” His voice gets small, swallowed by the city sounds as he looks away from Chan’s face.

“I’m sorry.”

Changbin doesn’t dignify it with an answer at first, eyes downcast at the glass in his hand where he swirls the water slowly. He clenches his jaw and takes a breath through his nose before finishing the glass.

“I can’t forgive you. Not for what you did then or for what you’re doing now.” He turns back to face the city, ashing his cigarette over the edge of the balcony as his ears pin back behind his head and he flicks his tail against the wall.

“I know.” The snow crunches as Chan steps closer to him, Changbin can feel him stop short, his presence just beyond where he can touch. “I don’t expect you to.” A hand comes to touch Changbin’s shoulder, tentative at first but when he doesn’t shy away Chan squeezes and steps closer so he can lean his entire body into Changbin’s back. “I… I can’t ever make up for how much I’ve hurt you all this time, Bin. I know. I’m not giving excuses when I say I was stupid– I still am stupid.” He pauses and Changbin leans forward and away from Chan, taking a deep breath as Chan’s stubbly chin scratches roughly at his shoulder.

“Why’re you doing this, Chris?” Changbin knocks their horns together and continues to stare out at the city, trying to parse together whatever the fuck is going on in Chan’s head. “You act like you don’t want me and then you ask me to come over, you tell me we’re nothing and then treat me like we’re something . This is getting exhausting .”

“I know, believe me, baby, I know.” He nuzzles into Changbin’s neck and his arms slink around to hold his middle, giving Changbin a squeeze before letting him go and sliding to lean next to him on the rail. “I… I don’t..” Changbin can tell he wants to lie. He wants to hold back what he’s really feeling but Chan lets his body give up the fight. “I was scared… I am scared. Of loving you.”

Changbin snorts, shaking his head as he takes another drag of his cigarette.

“I’m serious, Bin. I’ve always been scared that I’m not.. Not good enough for anything more from you than a physical relationship.” It makes sense. This all started because the second Changbin found out Chan wasn’t straight he took advantage of it, tripping into love in the process. “I thought that… If I held you at arm's length and just stayed physical with you that I’d be okay. And things wouldn’t get to where they were when I left but–”

“But you didn’t expect me to still have those feelings.” Chan closes his mouth when Changbin finishes the sentence he knows he isn’t going to say. And it’s fine. Changbin knows this is scary. He knows love is so all-encompassing that the idea of it for some people can be overwhelming, but he’d never thought that Chan would be so afraid that he would hurt both of them over the fear. He thought Chan had changed, had grown, and had been different. “Chris, I dunno what you expected but you really really fucked up.”
“I know, baby, and I’m sorry. My apologies mean nothing. But I’m so sorry I hurt you, I never ever want to hurt you. I…”

Changbin isn’t going to put the words into his mouth, he takes a drag of his cigarette and just stares at Chan as he looks down at the snow around their feet with his mouth open as if he’s trying to find the words. It’s three words. He needs Chan to say them out loud more than anything in the world right now.

“You can’t even fucking say it.” He bites around a mouthful of smoke, trying to not sound as bitter as he is.

“I love you.” Changbin’s heart seizes in his chest and his body goes a little bit numb as he leans harder on the railing. “I’ve always loved you.” Chan sounds like he’s about to cry, the way his voice shakes and tightens up in his throat. “E-Even before we started messing around. I never thought you’d… You’d even like me for more than sex. That’s– it’s all anyone has ever wanted from me. It’s what I thought you wanted.”

Oh .

Changbin’s heart squeezes even tighter. Chan has never had a glowing opinion of himself, despite all of his bravado and confidence.

“I was stupid. I was scared of things that didn’t exist.” Chan sighs as Changbin watches his jaw clench and work. He swears for a moment there are tears in Chan’s eyes as they lock back onto each other. He is crying. “I’m sorry, baby…I fucked this up even more didn’t I?” Changbin sighs and bites his lips together as he stares at Chan. He wants to scream. He wants to grab Chan and shake him to within an inch of his life and throw him over the balcony so he’ll never have to deal with him again.

“ Yes ,” Changbin hisses, flicking his cigarette over the balcony. “Chris you ruined everything. I was fine before you showed up. I had a life , I had everything figured out and then you came back and you did the same shit you’ve always done and I don’t know what to do anymore.” Changbin feels tears start in his own eyes and his voice breaks with emotion as snowflakes start falling again, dry and cold as they land on his skin. “I love you, Chris but you abandoned me and then came back like nothing happened and you expect me to just pretend you didn’t do any of that?” A tear falls down Changbin’s cheek, hot and wet as it tracks down to his chin.

“I know–”
“Then stop. If you know how much damage this is doing please just stop.” Changbin holds a hand out to Chan, feeling himself getting angrier than he means to. “I’m… I’m going back inside. We’re done talking, Chris.” He sniffles a small breath and shakes his head when Chan tries to come back into his space, planting his hand firmly on the center of Chan’s chest. He hates how raw he sounds as he takes another sniffly breath and walks around him to get back to the door.

He toes out of his boots once he’s back inside, leaving them by the balcony door as he scrubs the tears from his face and walks blindly to the bathroom, leaving Chan to himself out in the falling snow.

The city is quiet. Quiet enough that Chan can hear his own hiccups and sniffles over the falling snow. Everything feels muffled, especially with how the duvet is wrapped up near his ears, his chest aches but he can’t feel it.

He can’t feel anything but empty and alone .

And cold. His toes have gone numb. What he deserves for walking into the snow in nothing but a pair of house slippers.

He sucks in a sharp breath as he shakes himself free of the self-deprecation and forces himself back inside. The sink is running in the bathroom, Changbin must be cleaning himself up from everything, the glass he’d been drinking from is on the kitchen table, half empty with condensation dripping on the outside. Chan sighs as he steps out of his soaked house slippers, shuffling on cold feet to the thermostat to turn the heat up a little bit.

He catches himself hiccuping a little sob when Changbin comes out of the bedroom with a hoodie in his hand. He holds it out and Chan just stares at it, hands tightening in the duvet around his shoulders as another sob bounces from his lips.

“You’re gonna catch a cold.” Changbin’s voice is soft but his posture is as rigid as his decision— unmoving as he rolls his eyes. “Don’t make me dress you, Christopher. Just put the fucking jacket on.” Changbin’s teeth are gritted together and Chan does his best to appease him, dropping the duvet on the sofa,  pulling the hoodie over his head, and making a noise somewhere between a gasp and a whine when it gets caught on his horn. “Stop— hang on.” A second pair of hands comes to help untangle the hoodie from Chan, pulling it down over his head and looking his face over.

Chan can’t look him in the eye. If he does, he knows he’ll start crying more and he doesn’t need Changbin pitying him, though he thinks they might already be well past that point. So he does anyway. He looks from where he’s been focusing on a shadow on the ground to looking Changbin in the eye. He looks tired, pale, face puffy and eyes red from crying as he stares almost vacantly at Chan.

There’s nothing behind his eyes and Chan’s chest squeezes so tightly he fears he might implode on himself. But, instead, he lets out the most pitiful sound, something between a whine and a sob as he rips his eyes from Changbin’s. It’s 4 am, they shouldn’t be awake. They shouldn’t be together . Chan is beginning to regret asking him to come over.

“I’m.. gonna go back to bed.” He tries to level his voice as he shuffles back to the bedroom, grabbing the blanket on the way. He doesn’t close the door behind himself and just lays in bed and curls himself up as much as possible in the blanket so he can disappear. The pillow he’d lent Changbin is back on the bed and he fights the urge to pull it against his nose and take a breath. He can smell Changbin on it anyway, even with it on the side of the bed he doesn’t use. He doesn’t deserve it, any of this, not the jacket, not the duvet, nothing.

He doesn’t realize he’s started crying harder until the breath he takes shudders in his throat and is followed by a sob. He can hear Changbin walking around the apartment, no doubt grabbing his things to leave when the bedroom door creaks open a little bit. Chan does his best to quiet himself but little hiccups break through.

Then there’s weight on the bed, Chan tightens up the way he’s curled into himself, scared of Changbin coming closer to him. He doesn’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve anything Changbin could give him so he won’t peek his head out of the blanket. He'll stay curled up until the weight leaves and he hears Changbin close the bedroom door. He lets out the most pitiful sob once the door is closed and his hands come to wrap behind his head, pulling at the back of his horns to feel something other than the pain in his chest. He lets out another sob, something closer to a wail that gets cut short by Chan clamping his mouth closed. Changbin can’t hear him like this. One hand comes to cover his mouth as the other grips his horn tighter and pulls on it. He bites into one of his fingers when he hears Changbin stomping into his boots and the front door opening and closing and then silence.

He stays in bed until he stops crying, his pillow soaked through with tears and snot and his body feeling sticky with sweat and weak from how tightly he’d been clenched on himself. He pulls the blanket back to peek his head free of the stifling confines of the cotton and goose down, taking a breath of the warm apartment air. He looks to the window and sees the sunrise starting on the other side of the blinds, a harsh reminder that the world is still turning. In the kitchen, his coffee machine begins whirring to life, brewing a pre-set pot of coffee for the day. He forces himself to sit up, eyes wandering from the ajar bathroom door to the pillow next to him up to his hat rack on the back of the closed bedroom door. Changbin has been gone for over an hour. He’s not out there.

He’s not coming back .

Chan’s mind helpfully supplies as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and plants his feet on the carpet. His hands ball into fists and he presses his knuckles into the mattress to force himself to stand. He sways when he’s up — his sinuses drain when he’s on his feet and it makes him dizzy for a moment. He takes a slow breath through parted lips, shuffling across the room to push the door the rest of the way open. The toothbrush Changbin had used is gone, understandable, why waste it when it can be used again?

Sometimes the waste is easier than the struggle to keep things up .

He shakes his head and grabs a washcloth from the shower, running it under cold water before scrubbing his face. He looks in the mirror, splashed with old water stains and handprints that don’t belong to Chan. He looks away from them and his reflection quickly before getting some tissue off the roll to blow his nose. His face is so puffy, and he’s not sure he’s going to be able to get it to go down in time for work so he walks back into the bedroom, firing off a text that he’ll work from his home studio today if it’s all the same. They don’t need to be physically in the studio, certainly not Chan since he’s mostly there as support for Changbin. He was at least. He’s not so sure about his future at the company now.

He sighs as he drops his phone into the pocket of his sleep pants, which he realizes belated are Changbin’s. It’s stupid how every part of him is drawn back to Changbin no matter what. Chan stares, for a long moment, at the bedroom door before forcing himself to face whatever is left for him. Changbin’s jacket is gone, and his boots too. There’s just the puddle left from when he’d come back in from their “talk” shining at the balcony door. Thinking about the way Changbin had been talking to him and the boundaries he set makes Chan’s stomach do a flip and settle heavily on itself.

Chan takes a deep, dry breath, clenching his jaw as he scans the rest of the apartment. It feels so cold like Changbin took all the comfort with him when he left. He looks over the linens folded on the end of his sectional, blinking and tearing his eyes up to lock on something shining on the kitchen counter. He walks over slowly, seeing his Pochaco cup sitting out next to a lighter— A nice lighter. It looks expensive. He reaches out to hold it, turning it over in his palm before flicking the top open and staring at the flame as it burns a soft orange flame.

He did this on purpose.

“Why would he do that…” He doesn’t mean to say it out loud but he can’t stop it, closing the top to tamp out the flame. Unless it was on purpose if the second, plain, glass in the sink is anything to go by. The one Changbin had actually been drinking out of flipped on its top next to the drain. Chan’s chest hurts. He feels like crying again. He’s cried enough. He needs to feel something different.

He walks slowly from the kitchen to the living room, falling heavily on the sofa and pulling his phone out as his other hand fiddles with the lighter.

Open

Closed

Open

Closed

He goes to a chat he hasn’t touched in a while, taking a slow, nervous breath as he hovers over the name. He glances from the phone to the flame and back again, clicking the lighter closed and shoving it into his pocket as he fires off a text.

An hour later and there’s a knock at his door. A beautiful leopard-hybrid woman is waiting for him just beyond. Chan doesn’t remember her name. They don’t hook up very often, not at all since he’d been spending more time with Changbin. She’s aggressive, takes what she wants and likes when Chan gets rough with her. Her teeth and claws are a quick, easy way to forget when things get hard.

“Hi,” She starts when Chan opens the door, both hands holding the straps of her purse in front of her body. Obviously a tactic to make her chest look bigger, even if she doesn’t need it.

“Hi,” He parrots, stepping aside to let her into the apartment with a tight smile. “I know it’s a weird time.”

“That’s okay.” She smiles sweetly, shaking her head and making her blond and black streaked hair swish along her back. “You okay?” She clocks his cried-out eyes, her own brows twitching together.

“Yeah, just.. long night, couldn’t sleep well.” An excuse he’s used before, a real reason most days, so it’s not totally a lie.

“That’s okay, lemme help you relax then, baby.”

Baby .

The word feels sharp when she says it and Chan nods, trying to keep himself from reacting. It feels wrong for her to call him that. He’s not her baby. She’s not his.

He doesn’t stop her from coming closer, but he doesn’t push her away when she puts a hand on his chest and her lips find his. She sighs into the kiss and Chan does his best to react, leaning into the kiss and letting his hands come to hold her waist like they always do. She presses her hand harder into his chest to push him back toward the couch until he trips into falling on it.

“Good boy.” She drops her purse next to them on the couch, the bag tipping as it lands on the folded linens and spilling some of its contents on the couch. Chan watches as she comes to straddle his lap, his hands falling to her hips when she settles into his lap. She bends down and captures his lips in a heady kiss and Chan reciprocates, pushing himself up when she introduces tongue only to be shoved back down by one clawed hand. He groans, squeezing her hips and nipping her lips before she pulls back to kiss from his mouth to his neck.

She’s grinding on him the whole time and Chan would normally already be getting hard by this point but he just… can’t. His body isn’t reacting like it should be and he just sits there, letting her kiss and bite at his neck. Until she starts to suck a mark on his neck, at which point he grabs her by her hair and hauls her away from him.

“Don’t—“

“What’s going on?” She’s mean. Meaner than she intends, he thinks. But when he gets a look at her face he can see every intention in her words. “Are you high or something?” Her lip curls and Chan shakes his head.

He can’t… think of a reason to tell her. Not a single excuse comes to mind as he stares blankly at her and feels his heart breaking. He can’t do this. He can’t hurt Changbin, not that he’d ever tell him about this. But still, he can’t think of what this would do to him.

“I can’t do this…” He starts to push her off of his body, angling himself away from her as he gets up from the couch. “I’m… I’m sorry I can’t do this.” He’s not even a little bit hard. It’s not as embarrassing as it should be, or even shameful. It’s… he feels shame in himself. Hatred for the things he’s turning to again to try to feel less broken and alone.

“What do you mean you can’t do this?” Her voice is so shrill and sharp with confusion and clear anger.

“I said I can’t do this. I can… I can get you an Uber home or something but I can’t fucking do this today.” He turns back to face her where she’s glaring at him. “I’m sorry you came all this way but I can’t do this again.”

He doesn’t hear what the woman says but her hand on his chest shoving him out of her way is enough of a message. The front door slams and she’s gone.

And Chan is alone, again.

Like he’ll always be, despite it all. He’s tired of being alone. He wants someone to be with him. He needs someone with him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls the lighter back out, flicking it open one more time.

Open

Closed

Open

Closed

Open

Chapter Text

Chan spends the rest of the morning alone. He watches the sunrise through his living room door and a new flurry of snow start, the flakes reflecting warm yellow and cold blue as they fall to join the drifts. He flicks the lighter a couple of times and does his best to ignore the lingering stench of cheap perfume that permeates his sofa cushions. There’s a tube of expensive lip gloss wedged between the seats that he’ll find months later, he can’t see much beyond himself and his own wrongs at the moment, unfortunately.

“ You idiot .” He growls as his tail slaps on the sofa. His eyes itch and burn with the want to sleep but his heart won’t let him rest with how it aches in the pit of his stomach. He looks down at the lighter, opening it and staring at the flame absently before closing it and dropping the metal box on the floor. It sounds hollow as it bounces and Chan can’t help but feel it resonating within himself. He almost feels like he’s going to start crying again but he’s not sure he has any tears left.

He leans back on the sofa, tipping his head over the edge to stare at the ceiling as he drops his hands to the side. He idly starts thumbing at the sheets that are still folded on the seat he turns to look at them for a moment before fisting his hands into the top sheet and unfolding it sloppily, knocking the rest of the bedding to the floor. He rolls himself in the sheet and brings the hem to his nose. It smells like Changbin. He thinks, for a moment, to be normal about him but he can’t.

He takes a deep breath and sighs through his nose, closing his eyes as the familiar scent floods his brain. Floral, woody, expensive. Love . Changbin has always smelled like love even in his worst moments. It’s what makes him so dangerous for Chan to even think about. He takes part of his sheet into his mouth, biting the hem gently as he pulls it tighter around his body. He takes a shuddering breath as he pretends Changbin is hugging him, his arms are wrapped around himself tightly as he grips his arms and breathes in his scent again. He feels tears start in his eyes and he brings part of the sheet up to rub them away, sniffling softly and keeping his face buried in the soft cotton. He doesn’t want to go out into the world and face the reality of what he’s done to himself.

His phone buzzes on the kitchen counter and he pins his ears back. If it’s work they can stand to live without him for a day. He pulls the sheet over his head, hooking it behind his horns as he lets himself be enveloped by the warmth and the scent that’s beginning to feel like a drug to his system.

He doesn’t know when or how he falls back asleep but his phone wakes him up, his 7AM alarm going off in the kitchen as he wakes from where he’d been asleep, slumped on the sofa. He blinks slowly into a room diffused by the snowstorm slowly dropping thick clumps of snowflakes on the city outside. The scent still surrounds him, it’s quieter now, like the city is, blanketed and muted by snow. He pushes himself upright on the sofa and sucks a slow breath in. His alarm is still going off behind him, loud and aggressive enough to wake the dead. It pulls him toward the kitchen, yanking at the chain it has around his neck as he snatches his phone from the countertop to turn it off. His muscles burn and his limbs feel like dead weight on his body as he stares at the Pochacco cup left on his counter. He reaches out, turning it over in his hand and sighing deeply before dropping it back onto the counter to punish himself with the sharp pings of plastic on the countertop.

He digs through his notifications, seeing his cousin texted him a few times late last night when Chan was occupied, work is eerily quiet, which suits Chan just fine, he fires a text off to Yoongi that he’s going to be taking the day to work at home, he’s not sure he can look Changbin in the eye after the way he acted last night. He lets his phone clatter back onto the table as he looks around his living room. It’s fucking quiet. It feels like the punishment he deserves. He takes a breath and carries himself back to the bedroom, stripping out of his remaining clothes as he showers and crawls back into his bed for another couple of hours, only to be woken again by that insistent alarm in the kitchen.

When he’s standing back in the living room, naked as the day he was born he gets the shock of his life when he sees his cousin sitting on the couch in his living room.

“Why are you in my house.”

“You’re taking me to one of your car things,” Hoseok states matter-of-factly, crossing one knee over the other as he doesn’t bother turning to look at Chan.

“That’s not happening for like four hours, dude, why are you in my house. How did you get in my house.”

“Jess gave me the code.”

“Why are you talking to my mother.”

“Stop bitching and let me love my favorite cousin!” Hoseok throws his hands up in defeat, groaning when Chan goes back into his bedroom to put clothes on.

“I’ll stop bitching when you stop breaking into my house.” Chan comes back out to grab his cousin by the horn and give him a shake. “You fucking creep.”

“I’m not a creep, now please just teach me about car things so I don’t look stupid at your car thing.” He wrenches his head free of Chan’s grip, bringing his hand up to grab his wrist and shove him back. “Jesus, you look bad, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Do you want some breakfast?” Chan deflects as he sits down on the couch next to his cousin and opens a delivery app on his phone.

“You haven’t looked this bad since… Have you been seeing Jackson again?” Chan knows Hoseok doesn’t mean to sound as mean as he is but Hoseok was there for everything with Jackson. He doesn’t know the details of how it ended but he was there for everything including the falling out and aftermath of it all.

“ What ? No. Jackson moved away.” Chan dismisses again shaking his head. “It’s not Jackson. It’s that- you remember that Holstein I was fooling around with around the double funeral?”

“Yeah… He was a cute little twink. What was his name? Chang… something?”

“Changbin. And he’s not a twink anymore.” He pulls up a picture from the company website of them all together, zooming in on the Holstein. “He got hotter and now we work together and we were fucking again.”

“Wait a minute what ????? He’s way hot now.” Hoseok grabs Chan’s phone from his hands and looks closer at the picture. “He’s stacked . You’re fucking that?”

“I was.” Chan takes his phone back with a sigh and drops it on the sofa. “I fucked up… Feelings got involved again and I… I dunno.” He feels the tears start in his eyes again and his chest squeezes tightly. “I love him.”
“Woah.”
“I know.” Chan scoffs, shaking his head as he picks at a stray thread on his sofa, he feels stupid, saying it out loud to someone other than himself and Changbin.

“Christopher, in love ?” Hoseok laughs and moves closer, wrapping his arm behind his cousin’s shoulders to squeeze him tightly. “Oh my god, you’re evolving from being a fuckboy! I can’t believe it!”

“Ha ha very funny.” Chan rolls his eyes. Part of him is grateful for Hoseok being humorous about all of this, but part of him wants Hoseok to leave and stop teasing him. “I can’t be in love with him if he hates me.”

“Okay, enough of that, Chris. I don’t think he hates you. Nobody could hate you.” Hoseok grabs his phone from where he’s dropped it on the couch and Chan jumps when he sees his face recognition picks up Hoseok’s face as his own.  “You’re too lovely, now let's turn that frown upside down.”

“Hoseok, I can’t do anything fun I have to work . I have a real job, you know.” Chan groans as he grabs his phone back and peels himself out of Hoseok’s grasp. “Let me at least get through my emails before you start getting me drunk.”

“God, you’re no fun.” Hoseok pouts, crossing his arms over his chest as he sulks on the couch.

“I’m not no fun, I’m just… going through a…” He doesn’t want to call it a breakup. He’s not sure what to call it, but whatever it is it doesn’t feel good. “I’m not in the mood for day drinking.” He’s lying. He’d love to be drunk right now so he doesn’t need to think about Changbin and everything that comes with him but he also has a responsibility he has to uphold with doing his actual job. He looks back over at Hoseok and shrugs, shaking his head softly as he sees the way the other has softened his gaze. “What do you want for breakfast?”

He orders them something quick and easy, Hoseok eats in the living room, watching some trash TV that Chan is sure is going to ruin his suggested shows while Chan works, building beats for future projects and looking over meeting notes from the one he missed that morning. It’s the same shit as always. Despite his world twisting and turning around him there will be things that are always the same. Work. Hoseok. Cars. They always stay steadfast in the way that they exist in the world. Chan can rely on things like that to stay the same and keep him even kind of grounded.

Unfortunately, as the day goes on Hoseok gets restless , comes into Chan’s office and bothers him, asks him what he’s doing, what this is for what that is for until Chan gets fed up and locks him out. He doesn’t want to get mad but he really does need to work. Work is a distraction from his heartache, something that can keep his mind off things until it isn’t . Until Changbin’s name pops up on his work, not editing or changing anything but Chan can see that he’s looking and he feels shame boil up in his chest.

He clenches his jaw, wiggling his ears and shaking his head the third time Changbin’s name appears on his screen. It’s well past lunchtime now, Chan can take the rest of the day off without feeling guilty about things. So, he stands from his desk, stretching himself once he’s on his feet before he unlocks his office door to see Hoseok sitting on the floor immediately to his left, takeout boxes sat in front of him as if he was waiting.

“I got us lunch.” Hoseok’s voice is soft as he holds one of the containers out to Chan, a small smile squishing his lips together and his dimples into his cheeks. Chan sighs and slides down the wall to sit next to him, taking the container and starting to pick at the contents.

“Thank you. Sorry.” He mumbles his apology as he eats, cherry-picking the best parts as best he can without making a mess. “I didn’t mean to be snippy. It’s been a rough day.” Chan sniffles and takes a deep breath. He glances over Hoseok quickly, appraising what he’s wearing, and makes a bit of a face. “You’re not wearing that to the meet are you?” He doesn’t mean to sound judgy but he knows his cousin. Hoseok dresses up to show out whenever he gets the chance, his current normal-length shirt and baggy sweats are terribly out of the ordinary for him.

“Mmm. No. I brought a change and some makeup.” Hoseok waves softly a he keeps eating, not much because he’s apparently banking on getting laid at a car meet crawling with straights . “You might need some too, you look like shit.” He reaches across and thumbs at Chan’s cheek softly, tugging at the bag under his eye.

“Thanks, dude, real ego booster there.” Chan grumbles and turns his attention back to getting something in his body. “I’ll put some on before we go out. Probably gonna meet some friends there, grab some drinks at a bar nearby before the meat of the people show up.” Hoseok squeals and wiggles in place, clearly happy that there will be drinks involved. “Easy. Don’t go overboard with the drinks, I don’t need you getting sick on my bike.”

“I won’t, promise. Just don’t ask me to behave myself completely.” Hoseok waves again as he finishes what he deems to be enough food. “Can I use your shower?”

“Don’t douche in my shower please, you freak.”

“I’m not, I already did all that at my place, I just wanna shower before getting ready. Oh can I do your makeup?” He turns in place, putting his hands excitedly on Chan’s thigh and pushing his ears so far forward they practically come to cover his eyes.

“Why? You want me to drive home with a backpack?” He snarks, rolling his eyes as he put his food down.

“I mean, maybe, I dunno isn’t rebound sex kind of your thing?”

“Not this time. Believe me. I tried.”

“Oh my god, really?” Hoseok clutches his nonexistent pearls, eyes wide at the admission.

“Couldn’t even get it up.” He feels worse now that he’s talking about it out loud. When he was younger rebounding was so easy. It was so easy. Changbin, originally had been a rebound, something to distract him from a girl that ended up turning into a drug he can’t live without.

“Oh my god, you’re really stuck on this guy aren’t you?” He sounds surprised, as if Chan hadn’t already admitted to loving Changbin which is more than he could say for any of his other partners.

“He’s probably gonna be there. He’s got a great car.”
“Oh, so I have to do your makeup if your ex is gonna be there, got it.” Hoseok talks over him, nodding as he takes the food Chan abandoned and starts packing it up. “Okay, so I’m gonna shower and then you’re going to.. I’ll put my face on while you clean up and pick you out something to wear.”

“Nope I’m just gonna wear normal clothes, dude. I don’t need to dress up for Changbin.” Chan shakes his head, standing and offering his hand to Hoseok so they can be on the same level (kind of).

“But you do . Don’t you remember Diana and her Revenge Dress?” Hoseok cocks his hips, putting both hands on them determinedly as he stares Chan down in a challenge. “We need to make you look so slutty to show this Changbin what he’s missing.”

“Changbin doesn’t give a shit. I don’t need to dress up, Hoseok.” Chan puts his hands on his hips to mimic his cousin’s behavior, shaking his head. “I’m just gonna wear whatever.”

“No!” Hoseok stomps his foot pushing his arms down at his sides in bratty little fists. “You’re gonna wear at least a crop top! Your body is too good not to show off at the very least.” Chan rolls his eyes at this, taking a breath and sighing.

“Fine. Jesus okay relax, I’ll wear a crop top but I’m not wearing any slutty shorts.” Chan huffs, throwing his hands up in defeat as Hoseok squeals and packs up the last of their food before running to Chan’s bathroom.

Chan distracts himself while the bathroom is occupied, going into his bedroom to rifle through his jewelry to pick a belly button ring since Hoseok is so insistent on him being slutty for this. If he’s gonna be slutty he may as well go as hard as he’s willing to. It takes some fiddling but he’s finally able to get the plain barbel out to switch with one that has a ring with a bell attached to the lower part. It’s simple but it’s always made him feel sexy when he wears it. He shouldn’t be going along with this but Hoseok isn’t going to let him do anything other than his plan. His plan to try to get Chan back with Changbin which isn’t going to happen.

So Chan does, go along with the plan, he showers, lets Hoseok do his makeup and dresses him in a slutty outfit (he keeps his ass tucked into some well-fitted pants). The entire time Hoeseok is asking him questions about cars and bikes, Chan isn’t sure if it’s to distract him from thinking about seeing Changbin again or if it really is because he doesn’t want to look stupid in front of the guys in the club. Chan does in fact inform him that a lot of the people at the meet are likely to be straight and wouldn’t be interested in him anyway.

“Do you think I care about that, Chris?” Hoseok snarks when he’s finishing Chan’s eyeshadow, leaning back from where he’d been sitting in his lap. “I just wanna have my tits and my ass out around people. If they’re hot and gay that’s great, if they’re not I don’t care.”

“Just don’t get me in trouble. Please? I don’t need my mom to bail us out.” Chan grumbles as he leans back, fighting the urge to reach up and rub his eyes.

“ Me ? Me get us in trouble??????” Hoseok snaps, packing his eyeshadow palette away before looking around Chan’s bedroom. “Where’s your mascara, you’re not using mine. Also I wouldn’t be the one getting us in trouble Christopher, do I need to remind you who got drunk after the double funeral and almost wrecked Jack’s car?”

“I was going through stuff, get off of me.” He shoves Hoseok back so he sits on the floor before walking to his bathroom to grab his mascara from his drawer. “It was a parts car anyway, dad was about to start stripping it, and I didn’t wreck it. I almost wrecked it.” He comes back to the bedroom, standing over Hoseok. “Do you wanna do it or should I?”

“That depends are you good at it?”

“What do you mean ‘am I good at it’?”

“Like do you get shit on your face when you do it?”

“No?”

“That wasn’t confident, let me do it.” Hoseok stands up and before Chan can even hand him the tube of mascara he’s snatching it from his hands, whipping his tail around wildly and wiggling his ears like he’s agitated. “God, are you sure you’re not straight? You’re hopeless.”

“Be nice to me.” Chan whines, pouting before he makes a mascara face as Hoseok starts to brush the wand through his lashes. “I spent all night fucking crying over a guy .”

“I can tell. Your bags are bad today.” Hoseok finishes his top lashes, pulling back to look at his handiwork before wiggling his ears happily. “Chan you’re getting super in your head about this guy.” He cups Chan’s face gently, bringing one thumb to stroke at the corner of his lips where he can feel gloss accumulating. “He’s just a guy, Channie. There will be more to come after him, you’re hot, I know at least three guys who wanna be with you.”

“He’s not, Hoseok. He’s really not just a guy. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” He can feel tears starting to burn in his eyes as he looks away and goes into the kitchen.

“Have you told him that?” Hoseok cocks his hip again, leaning his fist on his hip bone as he tilts his head to the side.

“Yeah… Too little too late kind of thing.” He sighs and opens his liquor cabinet, staring at the lines of bottles staring back at him with judgment on their labels. Drink responsibly. Chan has proven time and time again that he can’t be responsible when his heart gets broken, certainly not with adult money and a legal ID. “I’m done having this conversation. Do you want a drink?”

So they drink. They drink a lot . Just a little at first before they get to the bar. Chan can see Changbin’s car there before them and he just sighs. He lets Hoseok off the back of the bike before he peels himself off of the gas tank, stripping his gloves off as Changbin walks by the bike. They make eye contact as he walks by the bike and Chan peels off his helmet.

“I can’t believe you.” Changbin sounds bitter, like Chan is doing something wrong, his ears pinned back low on his head as Hoseok comes to stand next to him.

“Calm down. He’s my cousin.” As if on cue Hoseok takes his helmet off and Changbin makes a face, lip curling as his eyes dart between the two of them.

“Don’t say it, we know.” Hoseok holds a hand up, tucking the helmet under his arm. “Don’t worry, you’re not my type.” Changbin has the gall to look offended at that.

Chan rolls his eyes and walks into the bar before he can get too in his own head about Changbin also being there. He approaches the bar, and orders himself and Hoseok drinks. He hasn’t eaten, since lunch, he doesn’t care that maybe drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea he needs to get a drink he needs to to not think about this.

He’s three vodka Red Bulls down by the time the rest of the club shows up along with spectators gathering around the cars and bikes. Chan is admittedly more drunk than he wants to be. He’s… almost plastered. Almost . He’s not that far gone. He feels good when he walks out to rejoin the club, laughing with Hoseok as they go back to sit against his bike but then he sees Changbin leaning on his car talking to…

“No fucking way.” Chan grumbles when he hears a terrifyingly familiar hoarse laugh bubble up from the tall wolf hybrid leaning over Changbin. He doesn’t hear what Hoseok says as he keeps staring, ears pinning back behind his head and tail whipping angrily from side to side as the wolf’s tail wags lazily and he leans on the roof of Changbin’s car.

Chan doesn’t think. He barely feels himself move as memories rush back and he feels every part of his body hurt at the sight of the wolf. He makes quick strides across the parking lot to get right up into Jackson’s business.

“Fuck you!” He plants his hands squarely on Jackson’s shoulders and grabs him by his shirt, dragging him away from Changbin and pushing him so Jackson is facing him. He looks the same and Chan sees red . He’s the same. He’s always the same. He’s not good for anything but hurting people and Chan can’t have that happen to Changbin.

“Wha–” Chan doesn’t hear Changbin as he reacts, half reaching out to grab Jackson as Chan winds his arm back to land a punch squarely to his face.

“DON’T TOUCH HIM!” He winds back again, landing another punch to Jackson’s cheek and they both tumble to the ground. “You fucking monster!” He reels back again and a hand hooks into the crook of his elbow, holding him in place until it starts to haul him back to his feet.

“What is wrong with you!” Changbin shouts as he pushes Chan back to the rear of his car, putting himself between the two.

“Me?! What’s wrong with me?!” Chan snaps back, swinging his arm to get Changbin to let go of him. “ I’m getting this fucking asshole off of you!” He can faintly feel his knuckles throbbing as he jabs an accusatory finger at Jackson where he’s still on the ground, ears pinned behind his head and tail tucked between his legs.

“As if you have any claim over me!” Changbin barks back, grabbing Chan to keep him from going around him. “ You were the one who said this meant nothing stop fucking acting like I’m anything to you! Move on !” He barks the last two words in English, digging his hand more tightly into his wrist.

“I can’t let him hurt you.” Chan’s voice is soft as he starts to come down from the adrenaline rush. He looks around for a second and sees the crowd starting to gather and shame starts to warm his face and neck. “He w’s gonna hurt you.”

“How drunk are you.” Changbin narrows his eyes as he leans into Chan’s space more, and makes a face when he smells the liquor on his breath. “Are you serious, Chris? I can’t fucking believe you.”

Chan just stands there, legs going a little bit weak as he leans heavily on the trunk of the car and just lets Changbin glare at him.

“‘M sorry.” He can’t apologize for this. Or anything. But he can at least say the words, get them out of his system as he tries to restabilize himself.

“Come on.” Changbin grabs him by the wrist, walking him back to the passenger side of his car and the words come tumbling out before he can stop them, the collapse into the seat almost forcing them up from his lungs.

“D’you know who that was?” Chan slurs from where Changbin is helping him get into the passenger’s seat of his car, his head lolling from side to side from how much he’s had to drink.

“ No , I don’t know who that random wolf-hybrid you beat the shit out of is.” Changbin is bitter, angry as he buckles Chan’s seatbelt and starts to lean into the backseat to grab something, muttering about needing more clothes as he shoves an old sweatshirt over his head.

“He raped me.” His voice is flat and he lets it trail off at the end, staring blankly at Changbin’s arms and then up to make eye contact with him. “In college… Before I met you…” His blinks are slow, sticky with intoxication as he watches Changbin’s reaction to what he’s revealed. He hasn’t told anyone about this outside of his mother and his old college roommate and saying it out loud feels like picking at a raw, fraying nerve in his heart.

Changbin slows his movements, the look in his eyes softening as he looks over Chan from head to toe.

“I thought I loved him…” He tangles his fingers into the hem of the sweatshirt, tugging it down and away from his body as he feels himself heating up with… rage? Sadness? He’s not sure but tears are stinging in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks like they do any time he thinks about Jackson. He’d thought he’d gone back to China after he left school. “I didn’t… Wanna see him get his claws into you…” He’s unsure if he means literally or metaphorically but his mind blinks back to the scratches he’d always have to explain away after a night with Jackson.

A warm hand comes to stroke his cheek, wiping the tears as they fall and Chan finds himself sucking in a breath, startling at the touch as he looks away.

“I’m sorry…” His voice is tight, high in his throat as he tries and fails to keep his tears at bay. “I made a mess and fucked this all up I’m sorry.”

Changbin sighs next to him, bringing a hand up to stroke Chan’s hair in a way that makes him feel incredible before cupping his cheek again.

“Shhh. Relax. If you freak yourself out more you’re gonna get sick.” Changbin rubs his cheeks again, hand soft as he swipes the tears away before he backs off, closing the passenger door.

Chan can vaguely hear him talking to Hoseok outside, he can’t hear what they’re saying but before he knows it Changbin is back in the car, in the driver’s seat this time with his seatbelt unbuckled and the door closing behind him.

“I’m sorry.” Chan thinks he’s the one that says it but Changbin’s hand comes across the center console to detangle his hands from his sweatshirt. “I didn’t know.”

“No one does… Just mom and the… The cops.” His right hand stays tangled in his sweater, knuckles brushing his stomach in the worst masking of a self-soothe he’s ever committed. He spreads his hand over his stomach and feels the warmth bloom under his palm as he sucks in a quick breath and tries to keep himself from breaking more. “Bam knows.”

“You could’ve told me ,” Changbin says softly returning his hand back to the steering wheel.

“That I got raped??? That I loved the guy that did it?” Chan scoffs, shaking his head as he tangles his hands back into the borrowed sweatshirt. “That I was stupid enough to trust a wolf ?” He doesn’t think anyone could imagine him being vulnerable and letting himself be taken advantage of. He’s always been the one people can rely on, can trust to be strong, he can’t show people the one time he’s ever let himself be weak and taken advantage of.

“That you were hurting.” Changbin glances at him, taking a breath and wiggling his ears grumpily. Chan feels like shit. He doesn’t know why Changbin is showing him any kind of kindness at all. He’s… been nothing but nasty their entire relationship and it’s coming back to bite him in the ass. “You should’ve told me.”

Chan leaves it at that, keeps himself huddled in the passenger’s seat the whole drive back to his apartment. He insists that Changbin doesn’t follow him in, lying that he’d sobered up on the drive so he can wallow in his self hatred and pass out in bed alone, the lighter heavy in his pocket and Changbin’s sweatshirt wrapped tightly around his body.

He needs to fix this. He doesn’t know how he can even start.

Chapter Text

Driving Chan home was a mistake. It was a favor paid back, but it was a mistake . Chan had opened up to him and it felt strange and wrong to see him as anything more than the monster that kept hurting him. To see him as a human with damage and flaws feels so incredibly wrong he feels like his entire being is blaring alarms at him, trying to tell him that this is a mistake.

Changbin had wanted to walk Chan inside, get water into his system, give him food, but Chan had dissuaded him. He’d told him he doesn’t need babysitting, Changbin’s not even sure he realizes he’d said it, but he didn’t push. He let Chan wobble into his building and that rickety old elevator. He wonders for a moment if he’s ever going to see his jacket again. It’s fine if he doesn’t, it had been one he’d stolen from his ex so he’s not particularly attached to it.

He still has Chan’s motorcycle key sitting heavy in his pocket and he takes a breath, pulling into his parking spot under his apartment complex and sitting for a second, staring at his steering wheel and listening to his car idling. He only stays there for a moment before shutting his car off and getting his phone out. He fires off a text asking Felix for a ride back to the bar so he can move Chan’s bike, he’s not sure exactly where he’s going to move it but he knows it can’t stay parked there. Maybe he can take it back to Chan’s place and bother him a little bit. Though, he’s not sure the kind of welcome he’ll get, showing up uninvited. They need to talk and Changbin needs to make sure Chan doesn’t aspirate in his sleep. That’s really the last thing he needs, the man he loves dying because he was too drunk to roll over.

Changbin cringes at the thought that he loves Chan still. He shouldn’t. He never should’ve let himself fall in love in the first place but he did and now he’ll always love Chan. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the key, sighing before reaching into his other pocket to pull out his cigarettes. Felix won’t be outside for five minutes at least, he has time for one cigarette and some self-reflection. Self-reflection about how he loves an emotionally stunted manchild who can’t make up his mind about what he wants from Changbin.

Stupid .

He grumbles under his breath as he gets out of his car to smoke, hands stuffed in his pockets and ears tucked around the back of his neck to guard it from the cold as he makes his way out onto the street. It’s all so fucking stupid. He’s stupid. He’s mad at himself for being sucked in again. Good dick and a gentle smile shouldn’t be that much of a weak spot for Changbin. Then again, good dick is hard to find in this economy. Especially good dick that doesn’t judge.

By the time Felix gets to him, he’s long since finished his cigarette and discarded the butt into the snow. Changbin still feels cold and empty. He shudders as he gets into what he realizes belatedly is Jisung’s car, shivering and sighing when his tail meets the prewarmed seat.

”Why are you going to pick up Chris’ bike? I thought you’d said he was the devil and deserves what’s coming to him.” Felix’s voice is flat as he looks across the seat with an eyebrow raised. Changbin deserves this, he knows he does, but he really doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

”Because he got hammered and got into a fight.” If you could call him beating the shit out of that wolf a fight.

”A FIGHT?! ” Felix gasps as he puts the car in park and throws his hazards on. “Bang “cries at spca commercials” Chan got into a fight?”

”I know, yes, he beat the shit out of some guy that was flirting with me. Apparentlythey dated or something in college before I met Chan.” He gets himself comfortable and hunkers down in the seat a little bit more, locking his seatbelt in place and crossing his arms in a huff. “I didn’t ask him to but he fucking… took it upon himself to act like he has any claim to me.” Changbin omits the secret that isn’t his. “He made it sound like he was defending me from some great evil as if I couldn’t defend myself or something.”

”Wait a minute, you’re telling me that Chan, the fuckboy extraordinaire, made a big romantic gesture—“

“He was hammered—“

“Doesn’t matter if he was drunk or not, he made a big romantic gesture to defend your honor from another man.” Felix laughs, shaking his head as he turns completely in his seat to face Changbin. “I swear this man is more indecisive than me and I can’t decide anything for shit.” He laughs again when Changbin waves him off, rolling his eyes.

”I know. It’s confusing. I just want…. I dunno, I want him to know what he wants.” He sighs as he pins his ears low on his head and fights off tears. “I guess I thought… I thought things would be different now that we’re both grown and he’s lived his life…”

”I mean… He has, hasn’t he? And things are different, aren’t they?” Felix takes the cue Changbin is giving him and turns back to face forward, starting the drive to the bar. “From what you told me he wasn’t in it for anything more than sex in college. And now he’s literally fighti-“

”There’s more to it than that, Fe. He’s.. Ugh. He’s driving me insane, I trusted him once and look where it got me.” Changbin sighs and shakes his head, bringing a hand up to wipe his eyes and rub his face a little bit roughly. Thankfully Felix drops it and lets Changbin stew for the rest of the drive, his mind swirling and twisting as he tries to distract himself from the conversation he’s going to need to have when this is all done.

They get to the bar fast enough and Changbin laments not having a helmet that will fit him but Chan’s will have to be enough for now. It takes him a second to figure out how to pop the modular part of the faceplate so his horns aren’t being crushed into the sides of them. He feels a little bit exposed without gear and with his face out in the open but he feels like he has an obligation to do this. He’s not used to riding bikes anymore, let alone something as powerful as this.

Being on the road on a bike feels incredible. Changbin never realized how much he missed the sensation until now. He’d been on motorcycles since high school and when he started making more money he sold his bike and bought his first car. He shouldn’t have sold his bike. When he gets out on the bigger road he feels so much more free , like nothing matters anymore and the weight is being lifted from his shoulders. He pulls the throttle and feels the bike lurch, sniffing a laugh as he’s unable to keep his smile at bay. Chan always liked to be surrounded by intensity. Intense bikes, intense sex.

Intense love .

Changbin shakes the thought from his mind and waves his tail over the back of the bike, sitting himself up a little higher and looking around the city as he drives. Seoul on a late fall night is a sight: cold, snow dusted, and quiet. The sounds of night life are muffled and distant and Changbin can see his breath in front of his face when he comes to a stop at an intersection. He takes in a deep breath and shakes his hands out, trying to ease the sting of cold air against his bare knuckles as he gets his left leg on the ground to hold himself and the bike up. He sighs heavily and the breath leaves his nose in two thick streams as tension in his chest dissipates and he comes to a revelation.

He needs to let it go. Everything he’s been hanging onto for years needs to be let go and he needs to stop being bitter and stubborn about what happened in the past. He’s becoming more of the problem here than Chan ever was, consciously hurting him when Chan is trying to make up for the damage he’s done. Chan had never intended to hurt Changbin when they were younger. They were young and stupid and neither knew exactly what they’d wanted and Chan was scared that if he let himself love again that he’d be hurt worse than before. Changbin can’t fault him for that. Being hurt like that is terrifying. It changes you in ways that can’t be undone.

The light changes and Changbin has to move on, kicking off the asphalt and pulling the throttle as he kicks the bike back into gear. He has to move forward and… he’s not sure what’s going to come after moving on. If Chan will let him back in after everything he’s said and done. Changbin knows he wouldn’t. He didn’t for a very long time.

For too long

He cringes at the thought, about how his own pride and childish emotions got in the way. Chan is different now. He’s kinder, softer. Not any more physically gentle than in the past but there’s genuine feeling behind what he says and how he behaves. He sighs again and blinks as he finds himself pulling in front of Chan’s apartment building again. It feels like it’s watching him again. The windows like endless eyes under white eyebrows, warning him if he makes a mistake here that there’s no escaping the aftermath. He’s not sure they should talk. He’s not sure exactly what he’s going to do as he backs the bike into a spot and kills the engine, but he knows they can’t really talk.

Maybe they don’t have to talk. Maybe they can just… be. They can be. The problem with them is when they talk. They don’t have to talk.

Changbin feels his heart beat a little bit faster.

We don’t have to talk right now.

He convinces himself as he makes his way inside, punching in the access code and makes his way to the elevator. The old light that flickers and the cables that groan in protest to lifting the small room feel less hostile than they have in days past. Cautioning him about a fragile heart. Singing to him when they reach Chan’s floor like a relieved sigh. Maybe the speaker is dying, but it feels softer than it has since Changbin started coming here.

He walks himself, quietly to Chan’s front door, the older bull’s helmet in hand as he punches in the code and lets himself in. When he opens the door everything looks fine and smells normal.Chan probably hasn’t gotten sick, thankfully. Changbin makes his way to the bedroom, depositing the helmet on the kitchen counter. As he goes, he stares at the lighter that’s still sitting where he’d left it. Had Chan even bothered to touch it since he left? Probably not. That’s fine.

The bedroom is dark when he gets to it but he can still see a lump under the covers and hear Chan snoring. His heart slows a touch at that and he feels himself come down from the nerves he didn’t realize he was carrying in his shoulders. The room is quiet other than the sounds of him reaching and Changbin feels like his feet have rooted themselves to the carpet. The shape on the bed shifts and Changbin gets half a mind to run but he stays when it results in Chan lying with his back to him. Okay. He can…. He can do this. He can.. not talk to his… whatever Chan is.

He forces himself to move across the room and stand at the bed, staring at Chan’s back. His heart beats twice in his chest before he’s pulling his jacket over his head and crawling into the bed behind Chan wrapping his arms around his middle and tucking his nose into his hair. Chan shifts again and presses himself back into Changbin’s chest, nudging his butt into his hips and breathing deeply. His tail flicks tiredly between Changbin’s legs and he squeezes him a little bit tighter so he can feel Chan breathing against his chest.

He doesn’t really sleep. Not the whole night at least, but he dozes, in and out of a state of semi-consciousness once Chan’s breathing slows back into his usual deep, rhythmic snoring. It feels nice, just being with Chan. He feels like he’s supposed to be here, with Chan wrapped securely in his arms, unaware and protected from the world around them. When dawn comes Changbin wakes first, presses a kiss to Chan’s cheek and temple, brushing his hair out of his eyes with an unsure hand. He looks… quite frankly like shit. But Changbin finds him handsome nonetheless. Eye bags, drool, snoring, and all.

”Mmmh..” Chan groans as he leans into Changbin’s hand, barely making any movement as he opens his eyes. “What’re you doin’ere?” Chan mutters as he does his best to keep as much contact with Changbin as possible.

“Brought your bike back. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Changbin stays where he leans over Chan, stroking his hand through his hair to soothe him tenderly. “Get some rest, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Chan just sighs in response, leaning into Changbin’s hand as he lets his eyes flutter back closed. He looks peaceful, if a little disheveled, and Changbin feels his heart thump in his chest as he leans down to kiss his cheek again.

“Coffee?” Chan brings a hand up to hook two fingers behind Changbin’s horn to hold him in place.

“I’ll get some started.” Chan turns to look at him with eyes that are barely open and Changbin can’t stop his smile.

“Did I make things worse?” His voice is rough and dry and Changbin wants to swallow it whole.

“No.” Changbin sighs, still carding his fingers though Chan’s hair until he gets to his ear. “You made me… realize I was being selfish. I’m sorry.” He massages Chan’s ears, leaning down to nudge their noses together. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“Y’don’t gotta’pologize.” Chan rolls onto his back, releasing Changbin’s horn and staring up at him through his lashes. “I’m th’one th’was a dick.” His hands come to wrap under Changbin’s arms to pull him down. His hands are clammy and weak as they squeeze him closer but Changbin still lets himself be held as he wraps his arms over Chan’s shoulders to hug him back. ”I lied when I said what we have was nothing.” Chan’s voice stays soft as he buries his face into Changbin’s chest. “I was scared to admit how much you mean to me.”

”I know, baby.” Changbin kisses the crown of Chan’s head before letting himself fall completely onto his back, holding Chan tighter to his chest and tangling their legs together. “Let’s not think about it for a while, okay? Lemme make some coffee and we can talk later, when you’re awake.” Changbin digs his fingers into the back of Chan’s hair, detangling knots and massaging his scalp gingerly.

”Okay.” He feels Chan hiccup before he abruptly pushes himself to sit up and dry heave. He is, after all, hungover. And Chan has never had pleasant hangovers, not now, not when they were younger. “Gimme like…” Another hiccup and he’s moving as quickly as he can on shaky legs to the bathroom. “Five minutes.”

”Okay baby. I’ll be in the kitchen.” Before Chan can actually start getting sick he leaves the bedroom, starts the coffee, and gets a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers on the counter. He starts ordering them something to eat for breakfast after scanning through Chan’s fridge and cupboards and realizing he’d better not even try to cook something. A hangover is enough punishment, he doesn’t need to also deal with a burned down kitchen with it all.

Chan emerges from the bathroom just as the coffee is finished brewing, changed out of the clothes he fell asleep in and looking marginally more alive in Changbin’s jacket. He comes to where Changbin is pouring their cups of coffee and crowds into his space, leaning on his back and pressing a kiss to his neck tenderly. At least he brushed his teeth before kissing him.

”Thank you, Bin.” He murmurs softly into Changbin’s skin, nipping and running his tongue along his neck gently. “I feel like I’m dying.”

“You’re not dying.” Changbin chuckles as he brings a hand up to scratch Chan’s head. “Drink some water, take some painkillers. I have food coming.” Chan’s hands start to wander all over Changbin’s body as he keeps kissing and nosing at his neck.

“I love you.” Changbin’s heart sings a little bit in his chest and he sighs and presses himself back into Chan.

“I love you too.” Changbin sniffs a small laugh, unable to hold back his grin as he turns in Chan’s arms and leans up to kiss his lips for real. People describe the feeling of kissing someone you love like fireworks but Chan has never felt like fireworks. He’s steady and warm like a fireplace, soothing Changbin’s stresses away with every beat of his heart.

”We’re gonna need to actually talk later, you know that, right?” Chan murmurs into his lips when Changbin pulls back, voice vibrating in his chest as he moves his hands to brace against the counter.

”I know. But I just… I don’t want to get into another screaming match with you, Chris.” Changbin’s hands come to fist into Chan’s sweatshirt as he leans back into the counter. “All we’ve done this whole time is fight and it’s so exhausting.”

“I know. Hey, we don’t have to talk now.” Chan’s hands come up to stroke Changbin’s cheeks gingerly as he holds him. “It can be tonight, tomorrow, whenever. But we need to talk. Okay?” Changbin nods, sighing through his nose as he pins his ears back behind his head. “Okay. Let’s just have our breakfast and relax for now, baby.”

”Coffee’s done, if you still want some.” Changbin offers as he dips his hands under Chan’s shirt and strokes his stomach slowly. “I would offer you a smoke, but I know you don’t.”

”I feel like I could use one.” Chan chuckles back, leaning into Changbin as his hands come to loop under his arms and hold him up on the edge of the counter. “Coffee and a smoke doesn’t sound so bad.”

”You’re not gonna choke to death are you?” He’s joking, though he knows Chan doesn’t smoke at all. They should be fine if they share a cigarette.

”I won’t, I promise. You forget I hang out with Felix and his Newports.” Chan hooks his chin over Changbin’s shoulder and kisses his neck again. Changbin thinks for a moment that he might be trying to start something but when Chan just sags with a heavy sigh into his body he can ignore his thoughts for a second.

”Okay. You wanna clear the snow off the chairs outside while I pour our coffee and find something warmer to wear?” His hands wrap around Chan’s middle and stroke his back tenderly.

”Yeah, sorry for stealing your jacket, it smells like you.” Chan leans back and smiles tiredly, his heel dimpling as he leans forward to press another kiss to Changbin’s lips. “There’s some sweats in the dresser that should fit.” His voice is soft and he tastes like mint, Changbin sighs.

”Thank you.” He murmurs into Chan’s lips as he’s backing off, detangling their limbs and leaving out onto the balcony. Changbin stays and watches him brushing the snow off the plastic chairs that are set out before turning to busy himself again with making their coffees. One spoon of sugar and a splash of cream for Chan, two spoons and no cream for Changbin. On his way to the balcony, he stops at the kitchen island to grab the lighter, putting it in his mouth so he can carry all three to the door to hand off to Chan while he throws on the sweats and his own boots.

”Hi you.” He’s greeted again when he comes back to the balcony door. “Got some towels down so we don’t get super soggy.”

”Very thoughtful of you, baby.” Changbin coos as he scoots past Chan to sit in the far chair. “I’m surprised you held onto this.” He holds up the lighter, shining gold-colored metal and engravings dulled in the soft dawn light.

”Yeah, well… I was trying to find the right time to give it back. Couldn’t really seem to find it though.” He’s holding his mug close, both hands wrapped around the ceramic as he breathes in the steam from the coffee and Changbin can’t stop his smile.

”That’s okay.” He sets his mug down and taps out a cigarette. “I probably could’ve gotten it back one way or another.” He lights the cigarette and offers it to Chan. “I still can’t believe you asked me if Felix was single.”

“Listen, I was trying to shoot my shot, I didn’t see us going anywhere and Felix is… well you know how he is.” It’s true. Felix is a flirt to a fault and, quite frankly, a little bit of a whore. Changbin had been surprised when Felix said that Jisung had asked them to be official. Even more so when Felix said yes.

“I don’t blame you. He’s pretty. Gives head like nothing else too.” Changbin laughs as he sips his coffee, savoring the sweetness as he looks out over the pink-tinted snow.

He reaches a hand out to hold Chan’s while they sit and smoke. Chan coughs with every inhale and Changbin teases him. It feels good, better than it ever was, even in the beginning when Changbin was blind to everything. It feels like he’s where he’s meant to be.

“I love you.” He takes the cigarette, taking a drag as he gazes at Chan who looks back at him with a soft smile.

“I love you too.” Chan squeezes his free hand and brings it up to kiss the palm tenderly. “I always loved you, you know? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“You sound like you’re gonna propose,” Changbin chuckles, cupping Chan’s chin as he turns his gaze back onto him. “Let’s talk about a relationship before we start talking about marriage, baby.”

“Do we have a shot with a real relationship?” The question makes Changbin snort softly, shaking his head as he stares at their hands.

“I think so. I think we deserve to try at the very least.” He keeps stroking Chan’s chin and cheek as he blows smoke through his nose. “Can we try?”

“We’re gonna need to talk before we agree to anything but I’d like to try.” Chan pushes his face down to kiss Changbin’s palm again, squeezing his hand as they stare at each other. Changbin feels like this moment lasts forever. Like it shouldn’t exist and he’s stealing it away from himself. He feels that ball of moths start in his stomach again, wings bigger and dustier at the idea of facing the way they’ve been treating each other head-on and the repercussions of possibly losing Chan because of it.

”Okay… And if it… it doesn’t work?” He passes the cigarette back to Chan, voice hopeful as he leans a little bit closer. He doesn’t want to think of what won’t be but with their history, it’s a very real possibility that he has to consider, even in passing.

“Why wouldn’t it work? We’ll get where we want. We can at least try to get there, even if we don’t end up there, we can try .” Chan speaks around a mouthful of smoke as he sits up a little bit straighter in his seat. “Let’s talk and figure out what we want and then we can see where that will land us, okay?” Changbin’s heart strains against his chest as he turns his attention back out to the city. “I just don’t wanna fuck this up again.”

”I know. I’m sorry.”

”Why’re you apologizing, baby?” Chan’s hand reaches across the gap in the chairs to stroke Changbin’s ear gingerly, folding it between his fingers as he watches him. “I love you.” A bloom of warmth starts in Changbin’s chest and moths start fluttering in his stomach as he turns to look at Chan again.

”I love you too.” The moths flutter out of his mouth, chasing the sun that hasn’t fully risen yet, he feels lighter than he has in years. “Can we go back to bed? I’m cold.” 

“That sounds good. The coffee is getting cold anyway.” Their mugs are mostly empty by now so they leave them abandoned on the balcony when they go back inside, both wordlessly stripping out of their cold clothes before cuddling up in bed together to share what warmth they can between themselves. The sheets feel like a cocoon, protecting them in their own little world where they can be together and forget about everything they’ve put each other through. Changbin sighs when he buries his nose into Chan’s neck, kissing and nipping at his throat as they get comfortable before he feels himself drifting to sleep to the touch of Chan’s fingers stroking over his spots in idle patterns. It feels like home.