Chapter Text
Part I: Got so much to lose
🍆H 🍆
When it comes to finding that perfect partner, why beat around the bush? We’re stripping back the filters and the clothes as we have a more instinctive way to find love. Can picking a partner based solely on natural beauty help you find the one? We like to start where a good date ends. NAKED.
Tonight a flight attendant, a librarian, and a makeup artist bare all for their potential soulmates. When we’re entirely unfiltered, what do we really find attractive? Let’s find out by dating in reverse! This..is Naked Attraction.
Harry lip syncs the last portion of it perfectly in dramatic fashion before popping a few more pieces of popcorn into his mouth. He can pretty much recite word for word the familiar intro to his absolute favorite show by now. He’s even to the point where he sort of turns it on for background noise while he’s cleaning the house or just in need of something mindless to glance at once in a while. This one in particular, though, he’s seen more than any other episode.
The concept of the show is so bizarre, which is what turned him onto it in the first place. Imagine meeting someone you fancy enough to date or even marry while stark fucking naked. It’s absurd when you think about it, but despite the unconventionality of it, Harry still can’t help but feel it could work under the right circumstances. After all, you pick the people you’re attracted to based on looks alone. You don’t know them, their likes and dislikes or their little quirks and idiosyncrasies at first. No, you pick them solely on their appearance…so what’s a little more skin? He knows physical attractiveness isn’t everything there is to a relationship, in fact, it’s far from it, however, there’s something to that initial spark or chemistry, if you will, that he finds intoxicating and absolutely fascinating. And that’s why Harry had decided to go on the show as a contestant in the first place.
He had watched a full season of the show before he decided to apply to be in one of the pods. Harry had really enjoyed the questionnaire part of it, the extensive interviews to make sure he wasn’t a serial killer or some sort of creeper. He’d met his now best mate and roommate Niall, a production assistant on the show, in the process, and overall it had been a good experience. He’d been chosen by the picker in the end, a lovely girl named Taylor who had picked Harry despite him being the only bi-sexual male in the pods and their date was fun, the conversation was easy, and at the end of it they shared a kiss that was extremely awkward and a bit like kissing a sibling. Ultimately, they’d looked at each other and realized simultaneously that their connection was absolutely not romantic, but that they definitely wanted to stay in touch and to continue getting to know each other as friends.
So much has changed for Harry since the show. He thinks of how far he’s come in his career and how he’s now able to be his own boss. His brunch restaurant and bakery, Daylight, is doing extremely well and he knows some of that has to do with the notoriety he got from being on Naked Attraction. But boy had it also brought some interesting people out of the woodwork. They’re not all bad, though. Some people are genuinely intrigued by him and just want to get to know him, and he’ll admit that he’s had more than his fair share want to get to know him biblically as well. It never results in a relationship sadly, which is what Harry wants more than anything. His life feels secure and stable now and he is ready to add a bit more salt to his popcorn, for lack of a better metaphor.
In front of you, you’ve got six colored pods. Inside each of them is a naked man, each of whom has a physical attribute you’ve told us you find physically attractive. We’re going to reveal them bit by bit and all you’ve got to do is whittle them down from six to one just using naked attraction alone. Are you ready?
Anna’s voice is so enthusiastic. He can’t imagine how she keeps a straight face the entire time with some of the jokes she makes and the things people say. Being a presenter on any reality or dating show has to be an absolute laugh, but just imagine having to ask someone about their preference for vulvas and penises all day? What does the job interview for that even look like? He chuckles at the thought of some network bigwig sitting down with a potential candidate and asking them how they feel about talking about pubic hair and nipple size.
“Can we reveal the bottom half of the gents please?”
The rainbow screens start to rise on the telly revealing that same spider web tattoo and familiar pair of muscular thighs, a little smiley on one. And we’re not even going to discuss the thick uncut cock with a trimmed thatch of reddish brown hair. Fuck. He promised himself he would stop watching this episode. It’s just pure torture. The first time Harry had watched this episode he couldn’t take his eyes off of Louis. Once the rest of him was revealed for the first time, it was a combination of his crystal blue eyes, a smile that carved crinkles next to them, and that raspy voice flavored with a Doncaster accent that had made Harry’s legs stop working and the insects he didn’t know he had in his tummy take flight.
“Yes, green’s got a great package. I can definitely work with that. The thickness of it is right up my alley. The artwork is interesting too. He looks edgy and I like that.”
Ugh. Harry almost wants to mute the telly when that absolute twat starts talking. Louis’ picker, Chris, had picked him, and rightfully so because he’s perfect, but the guy had turned out to be a complete wanker and had a boyfriend. Louis had only found out via social media after they’d gone on their date because the guy was an American influencer. Louis had seemed to be really into him, which made it even more heartbreaking when Louis showed up to their final interview and the guy stood him up. What a coward. He couldn’t even face the music after he’d been found out as a big fat phony. He only went on the show for fame or follows or whatever it is influencers value nowadays. He didn’t deserve that date with Louis.
“Mate, we seriously have to have a talk about how often you’re re-watching this episode.” Niall’s voice slices through the sound of Harry’s munching and being one with the couch and his shit TV and Anna and Chris’s conversation about all the genitalia on display for him. “Well, at least you weren’t wanking this time.”
Harry’s face snaps to his smirking roommate. “THAT WAS ONE TIME, NIALL, AND WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT IT EVER AGAIN. Besides, when did you even get here? You’re like an Irish ninja or something.” Harry brushes the popcorn crumbs off the front of his crewneck.
Niall starts doing the worst attempt at karate moves Harry has ever seen. “HI-YAH! Pour me a Guinness.” Harry laughs at his ridiculous best mate. “Seriously, H, we’ve got to get you a date or something. This obsession is starting to become pathetic.”
“I’m not obsessed, Ni. I’m passionate. There’s a difference. Louis’ just…”
“Yeah, I know, H. I’ve listened to you ramble on about him for a year.” Niall grabs a handful of popcorn out of Harry’s bowl, shoving it into his mouth.
“That’s a gross exaggeration. I don’t even talk about him that much.”
Niall sits down in the armchair, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Mmmm. Are we gonna talk about the pub incident? Where you dragged me out to sit for hours at the place he works and you still couldn’t get up the nerve to talk to him? Or what about the fact that you insisted on buying a duvet the EXACT color of his eyes and you literally pulled up his picture in Ikea to make sure it was the perfect match? And don’t even get me started on that tattoo–”
“Ok, ok. Listen, I just– I feel connected to him somehow and I don’t know why and you’re right, it’s making me kind of crazy because I don’t even fucking believe in soulmates but–”
“He’s gonna be on the show again.” Harry’s neck snaps so fast in Niall’s direction you’d think his head was on a fucking swivel, his eyes widen at Niall, whose eyes are conveniently trained on the floor. “They’re doing a whole–” Niall gestures his hand in a swirling motion. “...second chances type of thing where everyone has been on the show before and it didn’t work out for them.”
Harry’s mouth is agape now, his eyes locked onto Niall’s face in a daze. He raises his hand to run his fingers through his hair, his typical nervous movement, but he realizes his hair is in a bun so his fingers just sort of get stuck and then he nervously starts twiddling with a loose strand of hair that’s escaped.
“Wait. Why are you telling me this?”
“BecauseIalreadysubmittedforyoutobeacontestantagain.” Niall exhales the words all in one breath.
“Niall. YOU DID WHAT? ” Harry sits straight up on the couch with a squawk. He practically throws his bowl in shock, showering them both in salt and popcorn, prompting Niall to look up at his face finally.
“Number one, you’ve already been naked on TV so I figured it wasn’t a big deal. In reference to appendix B of the declaration for lonely hearts, you deserve to shoot your shot. And according to section twenty-eight of the by-laws of sad single people, you’re clearly not going to take it upon yourself to make something happen so this gives you an arena where you have to talk to him. I think it’ll be a good thing.” Niall lays out his case in front of Harry as if he were a barrister presenting it to the Supreme Court. Harry laughs internally at the thought of Niall wearing a peruke and a robe.
“But Niall, what– what am I going to say to him?” Harry lowers his head to his hands.
“How do you even know he’s going to pick you, H?”
That’s a good question. Harry doesn’t know how to explain it, but somehow…he just knows. Niall’s question, though, plants a seed of doubt within his mind. It grows in a matter of milliseconds, branching out to every part of his body and taking root specifically in his gut. He doesn’t know if it’s the uncomfortable feeling that Louis would choose someone else over him or if it’s too much popcorn, but he suddenly feels incredibly nauseated.
“Look, it’s not a sure thing yet. They haven’t made any final casting decisions aside from knowing Louis’ going to be the picker.”
“Niall– it’s not the getting naked on TV again thing…I just– I’m afraid to put myself out there. I mean, I’ve been wanting to meet him and get to know him for so long and now– what if I don’t get that chance?”
“Then you’ll move on and I’ll be here to help with that. But you still have the chance, H, that’s not passed you by yet…if you don’t agree to do this, then it will have.”
Niall really does have a point there. At least then Harry would know for sure. Worst case scenario is that Louis takes one look at Harry’s cock and sends him packing, whereas best case scenario is he gets to see Louis naked again and hear his voice and look into his eyes and go on a date with him where they will fall hopelessly in love with each other and wind up having lots of sex and then getting married and have lots of babies. It’s a good thing Harry’s being so logical about this and not giving into his romantic fantasies.
“I–” Harry takes a deep breath before he gives Niall a final answer. “Ok.”
Niall fist pumps in the air. “Fuck yeah, bitch. Let’s celebrate!”
“Niall, they haven’t even picked me yet.”
“I mean, of course they’re gonna pick you…you own a restaurant and it’s like– stupidly successful and you’re the prettiest dude I’ve ever seen AND you’ve got a massive willy. And I should know because that time I walked in on you wanking to Louis’ voice I–”
“NIALL! WE ARE NOT SPEAKING OF IT. It’s like Voldemort-level off limits.” Harry gets up and heads into the kitchen to refill his now empty popcorn bowl.
“Christ, H, if mine was that big I would–”
“NIALL.”
“I’ll keep going until you feed me your eggs benny to shut me up.” Harry knows Niall’s telling the truth because he has zero shame and he also knows how much Niall loves his eggs benedict, and if there’s an opportunity for Niall to manipulate him into making it, Niall’s going to take it. He doesn’t blame Niall, though, he knows his eggs benedict is fire.
“Consider it done.” Jesus, he can’t believe he’s doing this again. And that it’s going to be with Louis this time. Fuck, Harry might come on live TV when he hears that gravelly northern accent in person. It’s gonna be all he can do to not pop a stiffy right there in front of everyone. Oh shit, he didn’t think this all the way through. Christ, he needs to go get a mani/pedi beforehand and maybe he should think about trimming his hair? He needs to start doing like a zillion squats a day because he knows Louis is an arse man, which, by the way, don't ask him how he knows that little tidbit. Yeah, good thing he’s not spiraling about any of this. Suddenly a thought occurs to him out of nowhere. “Oh fuck, Niall. What am I gonna wear?”
“H, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re going to be on NAKED attraction. Which means you will in fact be nude.” Harry gasps dramatically and pretends to clutch his pearls. “That’s right. Cock out. Tits out. The whole nine yards, bub.” Harry brings his hands up to frame his mockingly over exaggerated surprise face. They laugh as Harry starts poaching the eggs with expert ease.
Something dawns on Harry as he’s whisking the butter and eggs for his hollandaise.
“So, Niall…you kind of owe me since you signed me up without asking, right?” Niall pops a piece of banana in his mouth and takes a sip of the orange juice he’s just poured, looking up at Harry with ‘what are you up to’ eyes.
“Guess I do. Sort of…why?”
“I’ve got an idea.” A crooked smile blooms on Harry’s face as a sneaky idea blooms in his brain.
🍑L 🍑
“Explain to me why you’re doing this again?” Zayn takes a big sip of the old fashioned Louis just set in front of him.
Louis wipes down the bar, takes another customer’s drink order, and starts making the dirty martini, rolling his eyes internally at the order before he returns to Zayn. In Louis’ experience people only order a dirty martini when they want to sound posh, because on the inside they are truly boring and painfully mundane. In his opinion it’s a drink for pretentious wankers and phonies. Hopefully in the couple of minutes Louis was gone Zayn forgot that his favorite pastime is criticizing Louis’ life choices.
“So did you go home with that tall, broad lad the other night? What was his name again? Jacob…Jesse–? J– something, innit?”
“It was Jarrod, but that’s not what we were talking about, Lou.” Zayn arches a perfectly shaped eyebrow in Louis’ direction.
“Jarrod! Sampsonite, I was way off.” Louis knows a Dumb and Dumber reference is not the ideal distraction to keep Zayn off his arse, but it’s worth a go anyway.
“Louis, I will sit here all night drinking your alcohol for free until you talk to me about this.” If there’s one thing about Zayn it’s his determination. Now whether that determination is to get pissed for free or to get the truth out of him, Louis doesn’t quite know at this moment. But what he does know is that neither of those options sound very appealing to him.
“El, you got it for a bit?” Louis motions toward the bar. Eleanor turns, her long brunette ponytail flipping around her shoulder as she nods and shoots Louis the A-OK signal, winking for good measure. He knows she’s got kind of a crush on him which is– well, yeah, it’s a thing. But Louis is her boss and he’s not really attracted to her, honestly. She’s just kind of there. So that means Louis is going to ignore it until it goes away or until she goes away, whichever comes first.
Louis and Zayn head out the door to the patio area, leaning up against the brick exterior and lighting their ciggies.
“You know, I’m just being a dickhead, mate. You really don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“You’re so full of shit, Z. You would have sat at the bar drinking me dry until I cracked and we both know it, you stubborn motherfucker.”
“You’re–” Louis raises his eyebrows at Zayn. “...right.” They laugh, clouds cascading out of both their mouths.
“I just– I’m at the stage of my life where I want something real. The place is doing well. I feel more confident in myself and it’s almost symbolic to go back on and strip down again for a second chance at finding something great.” And he’s being honest. He’s at a stage in his life where he’s ready for someone to share it with. He wants a partner. Someone warm lying next to him at night. Someone to laugh with and cry with and make midnight memories with.
End Of The Day has been lauded as one of the most popular night and after work spots in several magazines and blogs recently and Louis’ had multiple offers to sell after he’d turned the place around. He’s proud of how far he’s come since starting out as a bartender. His charisma, a creative specialty cocktail menu, and Louis’ ability to hire a staff he treated like family and who wanted to stick around and do a good job for him, had made End Of The Day a place where people loved to spend their time.
“And I guess I just– I have a good feeling about it. And you know I don’t believe in all that fated destiny bullshit and the stars aligning in Capricorn’s arsehole or whatever the hippies and their crystals tell them, but I just have a feeling that it’s…gonna be good for me. I can’t explain it.”
“A good feeling is amazing, Lou, but do you really think you’re gonna find something real on Naked Attraction? I guess I’m just wondering how you think going back on a show where you pick people based on what they look like without their kit on is gonna help you find your life partner.” Zayn’s brows furrow as he takes another deep drag of his cigarette, exhaling billowy clouds of smoke.
“Z, you know my fucking dating history. You know how many absolute arseholes come into this, my place of business, just to get a piece of me to get some goddamn TikTok views because they’ve seen me on the show.” Louis laughs sadly at the memories of people he’d been attracted to and who had filled him with hope that maybe they really liked him, only to be after a quick fuck to brag about on social media. So many people just saw him as a quick ticket to fame or an easy lay. “Fucking TikTok.” Louis throws his cigarette on the ground, stubbing it out with the toe of his converse. “At least this is the beast I know. And yeah, it turned out shit last time, but this time it’s all people who’ve been on the show before and they want a second chance too. They’ve been in bed with the monster just like me, and just like me, they’re hopeful enough to come back for another try. Maybe they’ve got a good feeling about it just like I do.” Louis shrugs and Zayn smiles softly at him in reply.
“What about El? Pretty sure she’d jump right on your dick and ride it like Lane Frost.” Zayn spins his fist around above his head like a lasso.
“Who in the fuck is Lane Frost?”
“Famous bull rider, mate.” Zayn lights another cigarette as if they’ve got all the time in the world and Louis doesn’t have a semi-busy bar to get back to.
Louis clears his throat. “And why exactly do you know about a famous bull rider, pray tell?”
“Because Luke Perry played him in the biopic, DUH. Picture Dylan McKay but instead of a leather jacket he’s wearing leather chaps and he’s still got the sideburns that make you quiver, but he’s also a cowboy.” Zayn fans himself and whistles, puffing out his cheeks.
Louis rolls his eyes fondly at his best mate and his very specific tastes. “Listen, El’s great, but she’s also my employee and I feel like– this might sound mean, but there’s really no chemistry whatsoever, Z. It’s almost like she’s just– like furniture or a painting in a hotel room or something? It’s there, but you don’t really care what the fuck it looks like. It’s just kind of taking up space. And to be fair, I can’t even remember the last time I shagged a girl or was into one. I even told them at the show that I only wanted lads for my episode.” Zayn looks surprised by that. Louis had always considered himself bi, but lately he wasn’t so sure considering that when he pictures himself in the future, it’s with a male partner.
“Well, then I guess I have just one question…”
“Yeah, mate?”
“What are you gonna do if one of them has a micropenis?” Zayn guffaws, apparently he thinks himself hilarious.
“Z, oh my god! They ask your preferences about all that stuff, but fucking hell, you know I’m no size queen. I’ve had my back blown the fuck out by average sized cocks more times than I can count.”
“Shit. If I ever went on there I’d be like– ‘Please find a cock that’s so big it would split me in two.’ That’s the size she’ll be having, thank you.” Zayn looks dead serious back at Louis as he snickers at him. “I’m so serious. I want it to stare me down like Captain Ahab staring down Moby Dick. Emphasis on the DICK.” They both burst into giggles at that one.
“The great white willy.” Louis chokes out through his breathy giggles.
“I just– the premise of the show just seems so shallow to me and I know you want something deep. Just– just be careful, babe, yeah?” Zayn clasps a hand on his shoulder. It makes Louis feel all fuzzy inside when Zayn shows that he cares with little gestures like this. “No more dickheads like the last one.”
“Hey, at least I get a choice this time. Hopefully at least one of their genitalia whispers to me that they’re the one.” They both chuckle as Louis pulls Zayn into a side hug. “Thanks for– thanks for looking out though, Z. It’s nice to know you give a fuck about something for a change.”
“I’ll have you know I give plenty of fucks.” Zayn’s grin is simply dripping with innuendo.
Louis groans. “Ugh, forget I said anything about you giving fucks.”
Louis follows Zayn back inside and as he approaches the bar he notices a familiar pair of bright blue eyes boring into him while drinking a pint.
“Niall! It’s so good to see you again, mate! Thanks ever so much for coming here to meet me. Feels way more comfortable than a stuffy office at the studio.” He slings an arm around Niall’s shoulders. He’d grown quite fond of Niall during his time on the show. Niall had this way of making an awkward and uncomfortable situation a bit more bearable.
“Pleasure’s all mine, Louis. Plus, I get to see what you’ve done with the place since last time I was here and it’s just a bonus that I can have a pint while on the clock.” Niall winks playfully.
“Glad I could help with the thirst, mate. Should we move to a booth over here? Bit more private, yeah?”
Louis grabs a pint for himself and settles in across from Niall at the booth in the back corner of the room. This way he can get his preferences questions out of the way and keep his eye on the bar at the same time. It’s a win-win.
“Alright so, this is the plan. I’m gonna ask you a series of questions about physical attributes you like in a partner.” Niall lifts his iPad up. “Just try to be as honest as you can and for the love of God and the sweet baby Jesus, please remember that I didn’t write these questions.” Niall puffs out a big sigh. Louis can tell he doesn’t quite like asking people about what they prefer in a partner’s body parts.
“Don’t worry, mate. We can skip the cock questions for now if you want.” Louis chuckles to try and ease the tension he’s feeling radiating from Niall.
“Oh no, it’s not the cock questions that– Nevermind.” Niall shakes his head, seeming to cut himself off halfway through his thought. Well, that’s– ok. Just what kind of questions are these then?
“Ok, question one. What are the first three physical attributes you look for in a potential partner?”
Starting off shallow. Ok, Louis can do shallow before wading into the deeper currents. He takes a deep breath, realizing that voicing the things he likes to a complete stranger for the purposes of making a TV show might be more difficult than he thought. “A nice smile? With dimples if possible? Dimples make me melt.” Louis sort of whispers the last part hoping Niall didn’t hear. “Umm– nice skin, I guess? Or no, eyes. I like eyes that tell you something about the person. Like they have this– twinkle or sparkle to them.” Niall doesn’t say anything in response, continuing to furiously type on the iPad. “And I guess– I guess I like a nice bum?” Louis mutters under his breath. Ok, now he’s the one embarrassed to talk about body parts.
“What was that, mate?” Niall leans over the table cupping his hand behind his ear for emphasis.
Louis takes a deep breath. “Arse. I’m an arse man, ok? I like a cute, pert, peachy bum to grab on to.” Louis laughs with his nervous, slightly pinched voice. Niall chuckles a little to make him feel a bit more comfortable. The thing is, this feels weird to be sitting down one on one with someone talking about what he likes in a human. When he’s on the show, he’ll turn on the drama kid in him and make it all a big laugh, but right now this feels very vulnerable and Louis doesn’t really do vulnerable very well.
“Mate, I really don’t care about what the answers to your questions are. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it. I’ve done this dozens of times and I’ve heard everything from ‘I like for their toes to look like sausages’ to ‘I like them hairy like a Sasquatch’.” Louis almost spits out his beer at that. “Everybody’s got their own appetites and tastes and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Louis should have known Niall would be absolutely lovely about his hesitance. He can understand exactly why Niall was hired for this job. He’s so good at making people feel like they can be themselves with him. He genuinely sets you at ease and makes you feel like you can tell him anything. When you’re with him, no judgment.
“Ok, so eyes, smile, and bum. Got it. Next question, how do you feel about tattoos?” Louis looks down at his tattoo covered arms, his eyes moving from his chest piece peeking out from the collar of his shirt down to his finger tattoos, as Niall tracks the movement.
“Firmly against.” Niall opens his mouth wide, his loud HAHAHA could probably be heard for miles, Louis thinks. “Of course, tattoos are amazing. Though most of mine are a bit stupid, to be fair. It doesn’t really matter that much to me if a guy has them or doesn’t.”
“And what do you prefer for height?”
“I like tall guys or like– short guys too, I guess? I don’t really know.”
“What about hair?”
“On the head or the body?”
Niall clicks his tongue. “Body hair is farther down the list of questions but you can go ahead and tell me about both if you want.”
“Mate, are all the questions about the body or physical appearance?” Louis inquires gently. He knows what the show is about and he’s not trying to disrespect Niall, but he thought for sure there’d at least be one or two deep questions about what he wants in a partner.
Niall looks up at him from the iPad with raised eyebrows, his blue eyes two pools full of questions. “I do have some– new questions that we’ve ummm— recently added about like– emotional shit.” Niall seems hesitant to say anything about the ‘emotional shit’, as he so eloquently put it. All this talk of cocks and bums and body hair and yet it seems Niall is worried about asking Louis questions about his feelings. Weird, but ok. Louis figures those questions can wait until Niall feels comfortable asking them.
“Alright then, for hair…I like all types. I guess in the past I’ve been more attracted to guys with dark hair mostly–”
“Curly. Just say it, Lou. You like boys with curly hair.” Zayn interrupts sitting down next to Niall, Louis glares at him before his face morphs into his signature smirk.
“Niall, this is my best mate, Zayn. Zayn, Niall.” Louis gestures back and forth between the two lads.
“Oh aces, mate! I bet you can give me the goods. Lou-Lou, here is a wittle shy.” Niall puckers his lips, his voice taking on an annoying condescension as if he were talking about a toddler.
Louis’ face scrunches in disgust at the nickname. “Lou-Lou? Really? M’not a poodle.”
“No, we’re both well aware that you’re actually a cat.” Zayn quips as Louis shudders. He fucking hates cats.
“On second thought, I’d rather be a poodle.”
The trio laugh and drink and carry on as the evening gives way to the night. Turns out that Zayn takes charge of most of the physical questions, which relieves Louis a little bit. It’s not that he doesn’t know what he likes, it’s just that he doesn’t want to commit to one specific thing because what if he unintentionally weeds out the love of his life? Thankfully, Zayn has no problem telling Niall all about how Louis likes tall, lean but soft, and curly. He also filled Niall in on cock size preference and Niall seems to be smirking every time Zayn lets out another piece of the puzzle that makes up the kind of man Louis tends to bed. Once they’re several pints in, Niall seems to switch gears, finding his courage to ask Louis about the personality traits he likes in a man, or perhaps he’s just run out of questions about ear shape and calf thickness.
Niall clears his throat. “Why umm–” Niall exhales, his cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk. “Why did you decide to go back on the show?” Ahhhh the million dollar question. Now they were getting somewhere.
“I’m doing it because I’m looking for a partner. I’m tired of one night stands and quick meaningless shags in dirty club loos. I want something long term and something authentic. As for the reason I’m looking for it on the show–” Louis pauses for a moment trying to calm his nerves. He’s not sure if he should tell Niall this or not. “...the show kind of ruined my dating life. Now everybody either seeks me out because I was on the telly or they want some kind of notoriety from rating if I’m good in the sack on fucking TikTok. So I figure, if I go back on the show, maybe this time it’ll be a bit more in my control. And everybody there already knows I was on it and they’ve been on it too. So it kinda brings it all full circle, in a way.” Louis swirls his finger around an invisible orb.
“That actually makes complete sense to me.” Niall nods at him.
Niall looks back to the iPad and his eyes widen in disbelief. “Do–” Niall scrubs a hand over his face. Why is he so anxious about these questions? He’s just doing his job, right? “ Fuck it. Do you want marriage and children?”
“Yeah, of course. Want a house full of kids, a husband to kiss and cuddle through the night. Family holidays and birthday parties. Maybe a couple of dogs? Absolutely, mate.” Louis nods excitedly, hoping the eagerness of his answers is dampening Niall’s anxiety about the questions.
“Describe your ideal date?” Um, ok. Louis’ a bit confused by this line of questioning. Maybe they need to know this for compatibility? Or maybe they’re going to plan the date for Louis and his new beau? He doesn’t really remember them doing that last time, but maybe they did and Chris just didn’t tell him.
“Umm–” Louis tilts his head to the side and looks up to the ceiling to think for a moment. “I like a date with something fun and maybe a little adventurous. Maybe a little surprise? I really love when a guy is spontaneous. And then dinner or drinks afterwards so we can get to know one another.”
“H– have you ever been in love?” Ok, now this is getting a bit personal. Why the fuck would they need to know this?
“I– I–” At the memory of the one time Louis’ been in love and Blake’s face floating in his mind, all the air from his lungs is wrenched right out of him. Zayn reaches across the table, laying a hand over Louis’ to give him strength to push the words out. “Yes. Once. It– it didn’t end well.” Louis takes a deep breath, silently willing the tears to stay in his eyes. Niall looks at Louis with sympathy and he hates it. He hates the pitying stares when people hear how bad he was fucked over, which is why he doesn’t tell anyone. “Anyone need another pint?” Louis snaps himself out of his reverie and hopes his companions don’t notice the subject change.
Niall looks at him apologetically and Zayn reassuringly smiles. Of course, they noticed.
“In lieu of another drink I think I’ll just head off, mate. I think I’ve kept you long enough and I’ve got all the answers I need.” Niall winks and slides out of the booth. “I’ll email filming details to ya tomorrow, Lou-Lou.” Oh great, so apparently that’s going to become a thing. “See you soon. It was nice to meet ya, Zayn. Place looks great by the way, mate.” As Niall’s eyes scan around the fairly busy establishment, he flashes Louis an impressed look and then heads toward the door.
“Hey, look at me.” Louis looks up from where he’d been watching his own fingers picking at his cuticles. “It’s not too late to back out of this if it’s too much. If it’s going to bring up all that past shit, you don’t have to relive any of that.”
“Zayn, when I left him I promised myself that he’d never have power over me again. Yes, it’s going to bring up my relationship with Blake, but I have to talk about it at some point, right? Me staying silent about it is the same as giving him the power. I can’t explain it, but I need to do this. It’s almost like there’s this gravitational pull inside me that’s drawing me into it. I think it’s my last step in healing.” Louis wipes his eyes at the very threat of the tears filling them. “I need to move on or at least take a step toward moving on.”
“You know I’ll support you regardless, yeah?”
“Yeah, I do, Z. Never doubted you for a second.” Louis smirks and Zayn broods. It’s just what they do.
Ultimately Louis knows that Zayn would do absolutely anything for him and that his concern is of a protective nature. It was evident years ago that Zayn was willing to be his lifelong partner in crime when Louis showed up on Zayn’s doorstep in the middle of the night after only knowing him for a few weeks, crying and red faced and drenched to the bone after a particularly nasty fight with Blake, and Zayn had asked him if he needed help hiding the body. He knew then that Zayn was his ride or die and that the feeling was mutual.
They say their goodnights as Zayn heads home for the evening, leaving Louis in the booth with only his thoughts and an empty pint. He knew this wasn’t going to be as easy and carefree as his first time on the show. He wasn’t the picker the first time so there was a lack of pressure and it felt like he’d had nothing to lose back then. Louis had only agreed to do the show on a dare from a mate after a busy shift at the bar and one too many shots of vodka. This time, it definitely feels like the stakes are higher. Louis feels like he’s working a solo shift at the bar servicing three hen dos, a twenty-first birthday celebration, and a karaoke night all at the same time. Louis shudders at the mere thought. And yet, no matter the stress and tension he feels from it, he can’t seem to talk himself out of doing it.
Louis finally looks up from his trance of sorts to find El killing herself slinging drinks left and right and running back and forth at the busy bar. Well, it seems the thirsty Thursday crowd has arrived. He jumps up to help, hoping to lose himself in the distraction of making cocktails and pouring pints and saying a silent prayer to the Gods above for no hen dos or twenty-first birthdays tonight.
🍆H 🍆
Harry flips the last couple of slices of his french toast before pouring himself a mangomosa. It always seems to work out that Niall is more than eager to test new recipes for his restaurant. Daylight boasts a wide variety of diverse menu items despite only being open for brunch hours. Harry often includes a special he feels particularly inspired to create. This month it’s going to be Bluebird French toast, consisting of banana brioche french toast with a honey drizzle. And if the recipe has something to do with Louis, well that’s between him and Aphrodite, goddess of love. Perhaps this special french toast will summon Louis’ attention like a powerful love spell. Or maybe once– if Louis picks him, he can make it for Louis and it’ll be so perfect and so delicious that Louis will fall for him with the speed of an asteroid to the earth. Here’s to hoping that french toast is the equivalent of a love potion for Louis.
Harry hears the door to the flat open and close and the accompaniment of approaching footsteps.
“Dear Barbara, it smells like unicorn jizz in here.” Niall’s booming voice carries over the sizzle of the bacon Harry’s candying.
“Well, that’s a disturbing mental image you’ve conjured for me, Ni, thank you for that.” Harry sprinkles a bit more brown sugar onto his bacon. “What did you mean by– nevermind, I don’t think I want to know.” Harry shakes his head at his stupidity in even mentioning it because now he’s absolutely sure–
“Magical creatures, unicorns are, mate. I’m certain their spunk smells like heaven, why wouldn’t it? It probably sparkles like a fairy’s arse too. I’d imagine it tastes like–”
“OK. Got it, mate. Magical creatures.” Yep. Harry definitely didn’t want to know.
“Anyway…want to know where I’ve been?” Harry’s eyes shoot up from his bacon to Niall’s awaiting pools of mischief. Harry’s eyebrows raise as if to tell him to go ahead with what he was going to say, although, Harry has an idea where he was or who he was with, rather. “I was hanging out with your boyfriend.” Harry just continues staring at his face, adamantly waiting with bated breath. “Bacon’s burning.” Harry looks down quickly to find his bacon perfectly candied and not burnt at all as Niall’s annoying HAHAHAHAs pelt him in the face like machine gun fire. Apparently Niall thinks his laughs and pranks are cute.
“Not funny, you sweaty nutsack.”
“Ah-ah-ah don’t go insulting the guy who gave Louis your invasive arse dating questionnaire, H.”
Harry rolls his eyes. “Jesus. It was just a few questions, Ni, you don’t have to be all–” Harry gestures wildly with the spatula above his head. “...dramatic about it. And besides it was the least you could bloody do for me after entering me onto the show without asking!” Harry says, pointing the spatula accusingly at Niall. Harry starts to sweat at the thought of Niall actually asking the relationship questions he’d begged Niall to ask for him. It’s not like it was a huge deal, he just wanted to get an idea of Louis’ state of mind going into all this. It would be nice to know if Louis was just looking for a quick shag or if he actually wanted to date someone. Niall’s smirking knowingly at him. “Well, don’t just stand there grinning like a fox, what did he say?”
Niall sighs dramatically, his cheeks puffing out and his eyes widening. “He said a lot, H.” Niall presses his lips into a thin line, looking serious. “I mean we were there for–” He looks at his non-existent watch. “...three hours. He said…so many words.” Niall snags a piece of the candied bacon from the cooling rack. “I mean he was verbalizing and articulating and uttering–”
Harry picks up the entire rack of cooling bacon, holding it over the bin. “For fuck’s sake, Niall, if you don’t tell me what he said I’m going to chuck every last bit of this delicious bacon I candied for you.”
Niall throws up his hands in surrender. “Haz. Put. The Bacon. Down.” Harry flinches toward the bin to fake him out. Niall sucks air in through his teeth. “I’ll tell you everything, please. Just no more sudden moves with the bacon. Don’t let this piggy have died in vain.” Harry gently sets down the rack and starts to plate up Niall’s brinner.
“Talk.”
Niall pulls out his iPad and starts filling Harry in on what Louis said. Part of Harry really can’t wait to find out if Louis’ looking for something serious and the other part of him would rather not know and leave it up to chance. But overall, he’d rather go into this with a protected heart than to lay himself out stripped bare (no pun intended) for Louis to destroy.
“So he definitely wants marriage, kids, the house in the suburbs…and a partridge in a pear tree.” Harry releases a tiny bit of the tension in his shoulders with a deep breath. “But I have to break it to you, mate–”
Concern fills Harry’s body as his brow furrows and his muscles freeze up. “What? What is it?”
“He’s definitely a dog person.” Niall’s face is terribly serious before he breaks into a shit eating grin.
Harry swings the tea towel from its resting place over his shoulder to hit Niall with it three or four times. “Goddamn it, I thought you were going to tell me he swore off penises and he decided he only wanted female contestants.” Harry wipes the sweat from his brow with the towel. Remind him to pour cold water over Niall while he’s in the shower tomorrow morning.
“Lou? Swear off penises? No way, mate. He definitely likes a good dicking from what his mate, Zayn, was telling me. Or maybe he likes to do the dicking? I’m not sure Zayn wasn’t exactly clear–”
“Ni, I really need you to focus right now. This is my potential and hopefully future lover we are talking about here.”
“Alright, alright. Calm your tits, mate. All four of them. Also, stop being so stingy with that french toast.”
Harry looks at him with the most annoyed and unimpressed stare he can muster. He moves to place another piece of french toast onto Niall’s plate.
“Geez, H, I don’t know if one piece is gonna loosen these lips enough to tell you the rest.” Harry adds another piece, staring daggers through Niall’s face as he does so. “That’s it. And be generous with the honey, honey.” Remind him to also throw a pair of his red pants in the washer with Niall’s whites next time. On second thought, Harry thinks Niall would probably proudly wear pink shirts and flaunt himself around like a flamingo on display.
“His perfect date?”
An evil smirk crosses Niall’s face. “April 25th. It’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”
Harry wants to scream, instead he collapses onto the countertop, his forehead cradled by his forearms crossed on the surface. Niall’s munching away on his french toast, completely unbothered and chuckling under his breath.
“Alright, alright. I’ll knock off the torture and spill. Fuck, would I make a shitty interrogator or what?” Niall laughs to himself as Harry’s head pops up, ready to finally get his long awaited answers. “He likes to do fun activities, something adventurous or spontaneous and then go for dinner or drinks afterwards. He’s been in love once and it apparently didn’t end well. His face got really sad when I asked him that question, by the way. He looked like he was almost in physical pain from the reminder of it.”
Oh, no.
Harry doesn’t want to think about Louis being sad in any way, shape, form, or fashion. Seeing those blue eyes filled to the brim with tears. He imagines Louis’ the type of person who puts on such a strong front but occasionally lets the mask slip and shows a bit of his real emotions. Harry shakes his head and reminds himself that the image he has in his mind of Louis is made up of his own assumptions and ideals. He really knows very little about Louis, just a bit of what he saw on the show and the tidbits that have come up when he’s googled him or searched his Facebook. He just knows that he definitely likes what he’s seen of Louis.
Harry can tell that Louis is a kind and honest person. He’s a hard worker and a generous employer. You can tell that his staff really love their jobs, and Harry knows from his own entrepreneurship that the business owner has so much to do with workplace morale. Louis seems to really love his friends and his family, constantly posting silly selfies with them and pictures from family dinners, birthday parties, and lads’ nights. But the thing that Harry likes the most about Louis is his gentility. Louis gives off an air of confidence bordering on arrogance and a bit of a tough Donny lad facade, but Harry can tell that, beneath all that pomp and performance, Louis has a soft interior. It’s almost palpable, the affection that radiates from his precious heart. Harry can feel it and he’s attracted to the connection he shares with Louis’ yielding soul.
“And what about the reason he’s doing the show again?”
This is perhaps the most important question of all. He wants to be assured that Louis is going back on the show for something more serious than a stupid bet or a one-night-stand. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but Harry is subjecting himself to having his nude body broadcast a second time because he wants a boyfriend. And he’s finally ready to bare it all. The symbolism is not lost on him that he’s stripping himself down to nothing but skin for a chance at love, but if that’s what it takes to deserve someone like Louis, he’s willing.
“And I quote,” Niall says, eyes dragging down to the iPad. “‘I’m doing it because I’m looking for a partner. I’m tired of one night stands and quick meaningless shags in dirty club bathrooms. I want something long term and something authentic. As for the reason I’m looking for it on the show– the show kind of ruined my dating life. Now everybody either seeks me out because I was on the telly or they want some kind of notoriety from rating if I’m good in the sack on fucking TikTok. So I figure, if I go back on the show, maybe this time it’ll be a bit more in my control. And everybody there already knows I was on it and they’ve been on it too. So it kinda brings it all full circle, in a way.’ My Yorkshire accent is shit, I know, but that’s word for word what he said.”
Harry’s eyes light up so bright he thinks there must be sunbeams pouring out of them at hearing Louis’ own words about his motivations to do the show a second time. Nothing has ever made Harry feel so warm and so alive inside as hearing Louis say he’s looking for a partner. “Long term and authentic,” he had said. Harry’s heart starts beating faster at even the prospect that he and Louis are going to be in the same place at the same time and looking for the same thing…pure and genuine connection.
“Niall. Did I ever tell you that you’re my favorite roommate?” Harry rises from his seat at the counter and starts to circle around to the other side, slowly approaching Niall.
Niall rockets out of his seat. “Oh, no. Oh, no you don’t. The last time you looked at me like that you–” Niall doesn’t finish his sentence before Harry’s crashing into him with all his force. They collapse onto the kitchen floor, Harry falling on top of him and proceeding to plant little kisses all over his face while tickling his ribs.
“HAZ, THIS IS TERRIBLE. HAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS LIKE BEING ASSAULTED, BUT IT’S CUTE AND FLUFFY AND I’M BEING FORCED TO LAUGH. AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA STOP IT THIS INSTANT!” Harry just keeps on tickling and kissing him. Deep down he knows Niall secretly likes it.
Harry clambers off of Niall after a warning that he’s about to piss himself. Niall rushes out of the room, but Harry stays there on the kitchen floor, sitting with his back against the cabinet and his arms wrapped around his knees, smiling to himself. For the first time in a long time Harry is hopeful. Louis’ words have brought him assurance and optimism. For the first time in a long time there’s something to look forward to. He feels like love is waiting right around the corner and all he has to do is show up, strip down, and let it choose him. His heart is open, his belly is warm, and his hands are empty and cupped in front of him, ready to receive.
🍑L 🍑
“My name is Louis and I’m twenty-five years old and I’m– I’m– really bad at this. Jesus Christ, Niall, I sound like a complete knob.” Louis collapses from the waist up, his elbows resting on his thighs, wiping his hands across his face, hoping it will rub some composure into his brain.
“You’re fine, Lou. Just pretend like it’s just you and me getting to know each other. You don’t have to sell yourself, mate, people naturally want to buy already.” Niall’s words are comforting, but it doesn’t change the fact that Louis feels extremely self-conscious recording this little intro.
Louis knows he can tap into the magnetism and the charisma once he’s recording the show, but here in this little room with just him and Niall and a camera, it feels…different. He knew that recording the intro and the pre-show interview stuff would be more intimate, but he didn’t expect to be nervous about something as silly as giving an introduction and talking about himself for two minutes. Maybe it’s bringing up his insecurities lurking beneath the surface? His ex boyfriend had definitely done his part to make Louis feel like he was nothing. Like he was unworthy of love, but that’s what you get when you date an emotionally abusive choadburger like Blake.
He was never physically violent with Louis and he never cheated on him, at least not that Louis was aware of, but his slicing words and his bruising manipulation…they were far more damaging to Louis than any strike on the face could ever be. There’s only so many times a person can tell you that you’re a talentless, dumb piece of shit before you actually start to believe them. Those are the types of wounds and abrasions that leave invisible scars far deeper within. His lies had grown on and inside of Louis like a fungus, covering his inner light. Blake had tried so hard to extinguish the light glowing within Louis, and he had almost succeeded until one night Blake had said something he could never, ever take back. It was also something Louis could never, ever forgive. So Louis left, running barefoot in the rain to Zayn’s flat in just a t-shirt and joggers, not giving a fuck if he froze to death.
From that moment on, standing on Zayn’s doorstep freezing and wet and scared out of his mind, Louis made the decision to take control of his own life back. Blake was wrong about a lot of things he said that night. Louis was a good person, a good son, a good brother, and a hard worker and he knew he was going to amount to something someday. He hasn’t told another soul the vile things that slithered out of Blake’s mouth, but the main thing that stuck with him that Blake was wrong about was that Louis was unloveable. He knew he could be something important to the right somebody and now here he is putting himself out there again in hopes that the right somebody will be standing naked behind one of the colorful screens, willing to be just as vulnerable as Louis is.
The idea of talking himself up so that people will like him and want to watch Louis’ episode feels very used car salesman. He’s spent a lot of time over the past couple of years in therapy learning to like himself again and he'd be lying if he said he’d figured it out and that it wasn’t an everyday battle. Imagine not fully liking yourself and being expected to tell people why they should like you while being filmed for television. He feels a bit like a phony doing this. The nakedness was the least of Louis’ worries at this point.
Before he realizes it Niall is standing right in front of him, looking down with kind eyes. Niall places a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Lou. You’ve got nothing to prove, you know? Not to me, not to anyone else. There’s nothing to lose here either, mate. Nothing to prove, nothing to lose.” Louis raises his gaze to Niall, blinking up at him.
“Have they picked them yet?”
“Picked who?”
“You know– them. My– God, it sounds shitty to say it like this, but…my choices?”
“Oh, the singletons? Yeah, they’re being notified today, I think? Lovely looking lads if you ask me.” Niall winks for good measure.
“I don’t care what they look like, are they–”
“Mate, you might be on the wrong show if you don’t care what they look like.” Niall chuckles. “Might I recommend Love is Blind?” Louis giggles, covering his mouth with his hand to dampen the sound.
“I mean, I do care, but I’m more interested in what’s on the inside.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’re thinking about what’s inside.” Niall makes a crude gesture, his index finger slipping in and out of the circle his other hand forms. Louis laughs despite the inappropriateness of the whole thing.
“S’not about sex for me, mate.” Louis shakes his head.
“I know, Lou, I’m just trying to keep the laughs going so you’ll feel comfortable enough to get through this.” Niall gives him a playful pat on the cheek. “Laughter is my chosen lubricant in the intercourse of conversation.” Niall shakes a finger in the air and winks again as Louis sputters a laugh, spitting his sip of tea out in the process. Note to self: do not imbibe while Niall is speaking. “Alright, mate, let’s try it again and this time, just talk to me.”
Louis nods as Niall positions himself back in his seat next to the tripod. It seems Niall was right. All of a sudden Louis feels much more at ease and much more himself after laughing with his friend and having a minor emotional outburst. He lets out a deep sigh and places his hand over his diaphragm to feel the movement of his breath to ground himself. Niall’s words run through his head on repeat as the red light on the camera pops on.
Nothing to prove, nothing to lose.
Louis flashes a mischievous smirk to the camera. “Oi, oi. I’m Louis…”